Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[ZaldamoWilder]

Stumbled across this video and thought well I'll be damned he just described my childhood in a half hour.   He meanders, skip to the 19:00 minute mark if you're short on time.

 

[Hero]

40 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

Oh jeez...can you block his number?  He's trying to hold you hostage with threats like that - it is emotional blackmail. 

One of my favorite people in the whole world fell into drugs and alcohol to the point where he was an addict.  We had stopped spending time together by then because his life was going some place I did not want to go nor watch him go.  Truth be told, he didn't want to drag me to that place with him.  Things got much worse from that point, including a crack addiction and all the glories that go with that but that all took several years.  I'd like to say he did not pull emotional blackmail on his family, but he did.

Eventually he was busted again and had to appear before a judge.  His older brother was there and asked to speak.  He said where his younger brother was doing was killing their family, especially their parents.  He asked that the judge not release him but sentence him as it was the only hope they had he might face what his life had become and make changes.  The judge did just that.

My friend was furious beyond description at his brother, but came to recognize it was the hardest and most loving thing his brother had ever done.

This all happened before he was in his mid 20s.  He's been clean and sober now over 25 years.  He still goes to meetings.

He was making a conscious choice when he was doing drugs and drinking.  He had to make the conscious choice to NOT do those things.

 That's awesome for your friend! I blocked his number because I couldn't take all that manipulation. He is the type of person who has always blamed others for his misfortune. Unfortunately, we did all we could do for him. The only steps left for him is either jail or death. He is very deep into his addiction and I'm not sure if he could ever be pulled out from it. 

[hoosier80]

I also hear from Mom about how Mrs. Smith has really "aged",  or someone sent a bad Christmas photo. Everything is a big to do with Mom, too.  As a friend said Drama Mama.  I mean it's a HUGE deal if the newspaper isn't on time or it's not in the right spot or it's late.  Or the restaurant she was nuts about a year or so ago, now has greasy food.  It's that way with her a lot, she'll love some restaurant and want to eat there all the time, until, oh they're not the same as they were, then they're on the 'bad' list.

Speaking of 'bad' list, spoke with Mom a few times on Sunday.  She was happy as a lark.  I even wrote in my journal, waiting for the dark side to appear, as it's been a while since she's gone really nasty and moody.  I called her last night and tonight, no answer.  She's pouting again, so I somehow pissed her off from her cherry goodbye on Sunday to Monday evening. I would bet she's spoken with my brother (the golden child) multiple times.  If she were seriously ill, even though we do not get along, he'd call me.  He let me know a few years back when her power was out (and it was very cold), so he had her go to his place, and had her sleep on his couch (yeah he's a prince). I'm sure she's mad because didn't buy a home with her, be her companion, and cave to her every whim.  I'm the cause of everything that is wrong in her life.  Should she come to my house, everything would be 'stupid', why do I do this or that, why do I live here, on and on.....plus fighting all the time.  Sorry, been there and done that.  Maybe a brief visit at best is in the cards - maybe.  

Edited January 31, 2018 by hoosier80

[Zola]

It was Mother's Day yesterday (March 11th) here in the UK, so my girlfriend and I spent most of the day at my parents. 

We went out for dinner, which I paid for (despite their protests), and then we returned back to theirs for my mother to open her cards and gifts from me. I tried to be a little more original this year, but I still bought flowers and chocolates, but also perfume and personalised scarf and gloves. 

So all was going rather splendidly up until she opened her card. I had signed off with something like "... lots of love and good wishes, from your loving daughter, and Chris" 

I could see in her facial expression that she wasn't particularly happy with that. And shortly afterwards she came out and said "Why did you include Chris in your card? She's not part of my family!" (My mother can be rather frank at times, not caring who she offends). 

I am always doing this. Doesn't matter if its Mother's Day cards, Father's Day, birthdays or Christmas - if I have a girlfriend at the time I will always include them in my card message. But clearly my mother felt differently and took great umbrage about me including a non-family member into a "family-only" card message. And as a consequence the remainder of the day kind of sank into a difficult silence until we left them to it later in the afternoon.

[Mindthinkr]

@Zola You meant well. It was your mother’s choice on how to accept it. I thought that it was nice of you to include your girlfriend. 

[Bastet]

Quite frankly, I'd find the card signed that way to be odd, just on general principle, and specific to Mother's Day, I can understand being taken aback - I would never give anyone other than my mom a Mother's Day card, so I can extrapolate to feeling odd as a mom getting someone else's name attached to such a card - but if you always do this on all holiday cards, I'm not sure why your mom chose to bring down her own day of celebration by getting so bothered by it.  It's just something you do, and doesn't mean anything; it's a shame she not only took it in a different spirit than that, but chose to make that obvious and turn a pleasant day together into something uncomfortable.

And if she said that in front of your girlfriend (am I reading it right, that she said it not just to you privately, but while your girlfriend was there?!), that's horrible.  Even had Chris been the one to add her name, it would have been rude to snap at her about it, but the poor woman was just sitting there sharing the day with your family!  It sounds heavily rooted in issues with your sexual orientation and dating life, and that's the real shame.  I'm sorry a nice day devolved into that mess for you.

Edited March 13, 2018 by Bastet

[Zola]

11 hours ago, Bastet said:

Quite frankly, I'd find the card signed that way to be odd, just on general principle, and specific to Mother's Day, I can understand being taken aback - I would never give anyone other than my mom a Mother's Day card, so I can extrapolate to feeling odd as a mom getting someone else's name attached to such a card - but if you always do this on all holiday cards, I'm not sure why your mom chose to bring down her own day of celebration by getting so bothered by it.  It's just something you do, and doesn't mean anything; it's a shame she not only took it in a different spirit than that, but chose to make that obvious and turn a pleasant day together into something uncomfortable.

And if she said that in front of your girlfriend (am I reading it right, that she said it not just to you privately, but while your girlfriend was there?!), that's horrible.  Even had Chris been the one to add her name, it would have been rude to snap at her about it, but the poor woman was just sitting there sharing the day with your family!  It sounds heavily rooted in issues with your sexual orientation and dating life, and that's the real shame.  I'm sorry a nice day devolved into that mess for you.

To be honest, my mother always grumbles about it, and not just the events on Sunday. I guess she and you make a valid point about who should be included in such a family gathering card, but I just do it out of habit. And Chris (short for Christiana - which I still have problems remembering/spelling) was in the room when my mother said what she said, which surprised her somewhat. In fact, Chris did ask me afterwards whether she should have been there at all for such a family occasion!

I don't think my mother is all that uptight about my orientation - she just accepted it more or less. It's my dad who still hasn't got used to the idea, and he too sometimes makes a telling remark should I include my partner's name on a card or gift. Even going out to dinner, he didn't really pay Chris much attention - I guess he feels a little uncomfortable\let down  with the idea of one his daughters dating other women.

So - and this sounds really lame - I have put diary reminders in my mobile, for any up and coming family member holidays, and not to include "outsiders" on the cards I write.  I really should try to respect my parents' wishes.

[theredhead77]

IMHO, it's inappropriate to include a S/O on any sort of mothers day / fathers day card unless the S/O has that sort of relationship with the parents. In addition, I think including a S/O on any card should be after the relationship developed some roots.

I brought a newish boyfriend to father's day dinner one year and my dad was not happy. The day was supposed to be about what my dad wanted, which was a dinner with his immediate family, not what I wanted, which was to include my newish boyfriend.

I realize your parents have issues with your sexuality, @Zola however, in this case I think it was premature to include your newish girlfriend in Mother's Day. You may want to rethink including your her in events that are typically immediate family, or well established partners until your relationship develops deeper roots.

[Spunkygal]

1 hour ago, theredhead77 said:

IMHO, it's inappropriate to include a S/O on any sort of mothers day / fathers day card unless the S/O has that sort of relationship with the parents. In addition, I think including a S/O on any card should be after the relationship developed some roots.

I brought a newish boyfriend to father's day dinner one year and my dad was not happy. The day was supposed to be about what my dad wanted, which was a dinner with his immediate family, not what I wanted, which was to include my newish boyfriend.

I realize your parents have issues with your sexuality, @Zola however, in this case I think it was premature to include your newish girlfriend in Mother's Day. You may want to rethink including your her in events that are typically immediate family, or well established partners until your relationship develops deeper roots.

^^^a million times THIS^^^

[walnutqueen]

Nope.  Not buying into it.  Because heterosexual partners (or casual fuck-buddies) have been brought into these "family gatherings" for as long as I can remember.  And my "family" was also suitably dismayed.  ;-)

[BookWoman56]

I think the appropriateness or inappropriateness of bringing a date, regardless of sexual orientation, to a family event depends on the family dynamics. Some families might encourage family members to bring whomever they're dating at the moment, while others might prefer that it be only spouses or longstanding partners. I personally wouldn't bring someone I'd been with for only a few months to a family event, because to me it sends a signal to the BF/GF that you're starting to think of him/her seriously, as in a "you're practically part of the family now" way.  However, no matter which option might be preferable, it was not cool of @Zola's  mother to criticize her friend's signature on the card when the friend was standing right there. IMO, that's pretty damn rude behavior to a guest.

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, walnutqueen said:

Nope.  Not buying into it.  Because heterosexual partners (or casual fuck-buddies) have been brought into these "family gatherings" for as long as I can remember.  And my "family" was also suitably dismayed.  ;-)

The gender of Zola's partner has nothing to do with my response. I'd say the same thing if the same post was made and the only difference is the girlfriend was a boyfriend. MMV, obviously.

[Zola]

10 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

I think the appropriateness or inappropriateness of bringing a date, regardless of sexual orientation, to a family event depends on the family dynamics. Some families might encourage family members to bring whomever they're dating at the moment, while others might prefer that it be only spouses or longstanding partners. I personally wouldn't bring someone I'd been with for only a few months to a family event, because to me it sends a signal to the BF/GF that you're starting to think of him/her seriously, as in a "you're practically part of the family now" way.  However, no matter which option might be preferable, it was not cool of @Zola's  mother to criticize her friend's signature on the card when the friend was standing right there. IMO, that's pretty damn rude behavior to a guest.

I think you've more or less nailed it with regards my particular family dynamics.  My parents have never really taken much exception to me bringing along partners to special family occasions such as birthdays and Mother's Day etc. In any case I generally do ask a few days in advance to make sure they're okay with that. And my mother didn't register her disapproval when I mentioned if I could be bring Chris along for a Mother's Day dinner I had organised.

So most of the time she really doesn't mind having my partner in tow on such get-togethers, so long as she's informed beforehand. But it's the personal written and/or video messages she really takes exception too should I include my partner in that message (and that includes long-term and short-term girlfriends). So I have learnt my lesson - and not for the first time either - and will make sure it won't happen again!

My mother can be quite belligerent at times, and will quite happily come out and say something potentially offensive and not feel bad about it afterwards. When I have challenged her about being so blunt about people, she always retorts with "Sometimes the truth hurts!" Which I suppose in one respect makes it abundantly clear where everyone stands, rather than trying the more diplomatic option of not being completely truthful for fear of offending. 

[NutMeg]

@Zola, I'm not sure if you're an only child or not, but as the mother of an only child, I quite cherish the cards I get for special occasions like my birthday that seem written with so  much thought about the special moments we shared during the year together or separately, when one of us was there for the other.

I would be shocked and rather depressed if such a personal message was signed by someone else that I don't know well and that doesn't know me well. *Especially* if it was for mothers day: I have one child, one; one child that I want calling me mum; one child that I have that visceral bond with. I'll welcome any partner of any persuasion, but the mum-child bond should remain one-on-one. I'd be very hurt if I got a mother day card where my child's wasn't the only signature actually.

Now, Christmas cards etc. are all fair game, I'm happy to see as many signatures as can be.  

[Zola]

@NutMeg. I have an older sister, but she lives in South Africa rather than here in England. She rarely sends over cards regardless of occasion or to whomever family member, primarily because she doesn't believe in sending/receiving cards. That said she does send gifts, presents and video messages. With gifts and presents she signs off on her own even though she has a boyfriend.

But you're quite right, there is that unique mother-child bond regardless of number of children, and I really should get my act together and remember that in future. And these last few posts on the subject has reinforced that need.

[BookWoman56]

I got a phone call earlier today out of the blue that my oldest sister is in ICU, on a ventilator, and will probably not survive. She'd apparently been ill for the past year, but only her kids knew she was ill and even with them she minimized the seriousness of the illness. So I'm in a little bit of shock because I'd talked to her roughly a month ago and she gave me not the slightest hint that anything was wrong, much less that it was this serious. We live in different states, and the last time I saw her was slightly over a year ago, at which time she appeared to be fine. She is closer to another older sister; they would text each other roughly every couple of weeks, but that sister didn't know anything was wrong until about a couple of weeks ago, when one of the kids called her to say that there were some  health issues, but even at that point it seemed like something that could be stabilized. Our mother is still alive, and so my other older sister will be talking to her in the next day or two, once the doctors give a more definitive prognosis, to let her know what is going on. When I talked to my other older sister today, we both vented a bit about not knowing how serious things were, or in my case, not knowing that there was a chronic illness at all, but I realized that under the circumstances, I'd probably have done the same thing. That is, let my kids know I was ill but perhaps not tell them quite how serious things were until necessary, and not tell other family members until things were close to the end. I'm fairly certain my sister meant to let her kids know her condition was worse than she had let on, but wasn't expecting this rapid dramatic deterioration and so didn't do it. 

But for me it raises the question of whether it's better to let family members know exactly how bad things are right from the beginning, or wait until the illness is much worse. I just feel that while it's better to prepare family members for one's death, there's not much point in doing so when there is still a year or so to go.  I feel I would tell my own kids about any major illness, but if I'm given a timeline by a doctor, I'd probably wait until maybe 3-4 months before my ETA with death to let them know the full prognosis, and wait until a month or so before the end before telling other family members. My goal would be to give my kids the heads up and let them come to terms with it, but not drag it out, and with my other family members, let them know enough in advance that it's not a shock to them but without giving them a huge amount of time to be waiting for the end to come.  I know there are circumstances under which I or others might not have those choices to make; I've seen occasions when a death occurs with no warning, such as my son's father dying in an accident, and also when there was a couple of years between diagnosis of a fatal illness and death. Both of those situations were horrific, in that in one case there was no chance to say goodbye and in the other there were two years of waiting for the end and watching the person suffer.

The one good thing about my father dying a few years ago is that he was in a coma the last few days, and we had to make some decisions about life support. Fortunately, all my siblings and I agreed that since there was no hope of recovery, there was no point in prolonging his life. At that point, we had the discussion that for each of us, if we ended up on life support with no reasonable hope for getting better, then we wanted life support removed rather than lingering for days or weeks for no reason. 

And in the middle of all this, the part I dread the most, having more or less come to terms with my sister's imminent death, is having to deal with my mother and her histrionics. She's always been a bit of a drama queen, and she's now quite old with some minor dementia and decreased emotional control. So I suggested to my other older sister to contact the assisted living facility where my mother is, and ask them to get some sedatives prescribed for her, knowing that major shit is about to happen.  I talked to my brother today, and most likely I'm going to get tasked with taking my younger sister, with whom I have not spoken in over three years for reasons I've explained probably a few times upthread, to the funeral whenever it takes place. Not looking forward to that.

Edited March 19, 2018 by BookWoman56

[emma675]

BookWoman56, I don't really have any good advice, but sending best wishes your way. It sounds like a lot to deal with quite unexpectedly.

[Mindthinkr]

@BookWoman56 I’m saddened to hear about this difficult time for you and your family. One cannot always predict death and I’m glad that you have been at least afforded the time to say your good-byes. 

[DeLurker]

@BookWoman56 - I wish you all the strength and fortitude needed to cope with this situation.  As maddening as siblings can be at times, I am glad that collectively there are others who can be relied on to handle some of the challenges you all face.

[theredhead77]

@BookWoman56 I wish you strength and peace during this time. Contacting your mother's care facility is the right course of action and they may be able to provide guidance and support on how to tell her.

[Mindthinkr]

@BookWoman56 Is your sister using Hospice? They have a lot of support for the client as well as the family. If she is they might be a good resource for helping to deal with sharing this bad news with your mother. I wish you some peace at this difficult time. 

[BookWoman56]

Thanks, everyone, for your kind words. Contrary to the initial prognosis, her condition has improved, she has regained consciousness, and so they hope to take her off the ventilator in a couple of days and then transition her out of ICU to a respiratory unit in the hospital and then to a skilled nursing facility. Essentially, death is no longer imminent but per her doctor, she is near the end of her life because of the lung disease. Best guess now is 3-6 months, assuming that nothing else happens. So I'm relieved that she will have the chance to say her goodbyes to various family members and also that I don't have to deal with my younger sister for a while. I recognize this is just a temporary reprieve, but it allows a little more time for her kids and for the rest of our family to absorb the situation and figure out the best options for her care. 

[backformore]

On ‎3‎/‎16‎/‎2018 at 3:33 PM, NutMeg said:

@Zola, I'm not sure if you're an only child or not, but as the mother of an only child, I quite cherish the cards I get for special occasions like my birthday that seem written with so  much thought about the special moments we shared during the year together or separately, when one of us was there for the other.

I would be shocked and rather depressed if such a personal message was signed by someone else that I don't know well and that doesn't know me well. *Especially* if it was for mothers day: I have one child, one; one child that I want calling me mum; one child that I have that visceral bond with. I'll welcome any partner of any persuasion, but the mum-child bond should remain one-on-one. I'd be very hurt if I got a mother day card where my child's wasn't the only signature actually.

Now, Christmas cards etc. are all fair game, I'm happy to see as many signatures as can be.  

I would be touched if I got a mothers day card from my son and his girlfriend.  It would mean a lot to me, really, that they gave me a card or gift that was from the two of them.  

everybody's different. 

[backformore]

@BookWoman56 I'm sorry for what you're going through.  Take one step at a time, and give yourself time to feel your emotions along the way.  It seems like you'll be tasked with taking care of others in the family, but remember to take care of yourself as well.  

[Breezy97]

@BookWoman56 You don't know me at all because I am brand new here but I read your post and I'd like to wish you best wishes in this difficult time in your life. I really can't offer much advice because I have never been where you are at now and I am not going to try to be. All I can do is keep you in my thoughts during this hard time. Take care.

[walnutqueen]

You have a tough row to hoe, @BookWoman56.  Please remember to take care of yourself during these trying times.

And, welcome, @Breezy97.  I'm sure you will discover this is a wonderful place!

[Breezy97]

36 minutes ago, walnutqueen said:

You have a tough row to hoe, @BookWoman56.  Please remember to take care of yourself during these trying times.

And, welcome, @Breezy97.  I'm sure you will discover this is a wonderful place!

Thank You, it certainly seems that way.

[Mindthinkr]

Best Easter ever because a mama in my murder of crows has a nest near me. With chirping babies  

Worst because...grandchildren problems. (I’m not involved but yet it appeared on my doorstep today). 

[BookWoman56]

My sister died this morning. She had been moved to hospice a few days ago. I had returned home after spending a few days while she was in ICU and then after they transferred her to a regular room on the basis there was nothing they could do for her, as she was at stage 4 lung cancer with it having metastasized to her spine and ribs. Probably the worst day was when they had to keep her off pain meds for a long time so that she could legally sign a DNR, but once that was done and she was able to move to a hospice facility, they were giving her morphine roughly every hour and keeping her sedated to reduce anxiety as breathing became more difficult. I was not happy with the differing timelines given to us by the various doctors and so forth, but I recognize it's hard to predict. At least in the last couple of days, the hospice staff had been upfront with my other sister who was there that the end was near, so it wasn't a surprise to anyone. We've broken the news to my mother about the death and the fact that my sister had opted for cremation, with no funeral service. 

I will say, although this has obviously been very difficult, it's been made easier by the fact that my sister had had conversations with me and my other older sister regarding her views on life support and options for disposing of her remains, well before she became sick. She had not done a living will, but she was able while in hospital to appoint my other older sister as her medical surrogate and to express adamantly that she did not want to go back on the ventilator or to be on other types of life support. Similarly, there was no question regarding the fact that she wanted cremation and no service, with instructions for where she wants her ashes scattered. She was able while she was still lucid to give her daughter the password to her computer and various online accounts, so her daughter is now closing out her amazon account and so forth. 

This did make me realize that while I have had similar discussions with my siblings and my kids about not wanting life support, and preferring to donate my body to science (filling out the forms for that later today to go to the local med school) or cremation if the med school can't take my body (for example, if there is a lot of trauma from something like a car accident, they won't accept it), I need to print out a list of my various online account passwords and so forth. On my fridge, there is a list of emergency contact numbers for both family and work, along with a printout of my life insurance and AD&D insurance benefits. I guess I'm envisioning creating an "In case of sudden death or major emergency" envelope, to be placed either in my filing cabinet or pinned to the wall by my desk, that has the online account info and passwords for those accounts and my laptop. I would then alert my kids to the existence of the emergency envelope, so they're not wondering about those things if something happens to me unexpectedly. Does anyone have other ideas/suggestions? I do need to update my will, but it's only a few minor tweaks, and create a living will.

[Quof]

Bookwoman56, condolences.  Glad to hear there was some measure of peacefulness about it.   

Your Death Planning Binder reminds me of my mother, who has an elaborate list of instructions, taped inside a closet, with back-ups to the back-ups in case her first choice of news spreader isn't available.   She keeps scratching off pallbearers as each one dies, and writes in a new one.  

To give you a giggle (I hope): A friend and I have discussed starting a business that receives a notification when a subscriber dies (perhaps through a Fitbit or other fitness tracker that monitors your heart rate, and thus notices when it stops.)  We send someone to your house, with all of your passwords, to erase your entire online history and life, before your relatives arrive.

[Spunkygal]

@BookWoman56, deepest condolences on the loss of your sister. I hope you all have happy and fun memories of her to ease the grief as time goes on.  I'm glad you are thinking of your own details now. It's hard to do so but we should face facts that we want those who remain behind to know what to do. 

My estate planning attorney gave me a blank Letter of Instructions to leave behind and at least three people in my life know where to find it. It is too lengthy to post but here is one website that gives some things to consider and you can probably find more by googling. In addition to insurance policies, bank and investment accounts, my letter has a place for funeral wishes, even down to scriptures and songs, if any. I have friends who my sister knows only by name, so I've listed friends to notify, a friend who said she'll take my dog, where the deed to my house is, safety deposit box. I also have a small book in my desk that has all my passwords, not only for this purpose but because I can't keep them straight! This letter is in a three ring binder in my office with my will, POAs, living will, declaration of guardian...all in one easy spot. Just found this example https://www.moneycrashers.com/executor-will-responsibilities-duties-letter-instruction/

Kudos to you for thinking about this at such a difficult time. Warm hugs to you.

ETA: many local estate attorneys don't charge outrageous fees for preparing seven documents. I called one in my area, only about 3 miles away, and he prepared all this for about $275. He didn't charge by the hour, it was a flat fee. I think that's a bargain for peace of mind. So, it's okay to compare prices when looking for an attorney.

Edited April 2, 2018 by Spunkygal

[emma675]

BookWoman56, my deepest condolences. Your description of your plans made me think how woefully unprepared I am in the event I get mowed down by a bus tomorrow. I need to get on that.

[theredhead77]

@BookWoman56 I'm so sorry for your loss.
I hope sharing your sisters plans and your plans get others, besides @emma675 to do some planning. @Quof I think that service already exists on some level but you should start your own business!

 

[ebk57]

So sorry for you loss @BookWoman56.  I'm really in awe of your family's ability to organize in this time of stress.  I'm a basket case just thinking about it.  I do have the "If I get hit by a bus" file at work, but I really should do that here at home.

 

Tomorrow.

[BookWoman56]

6 hours ago, Quof said:

Bookwoman56, condolences.  Glad to hear there was some measure of peacefulness about it.   

Your Death Planning Binder reminds me of my mother, who has an elaborate list of instructions, taped inside a closet, with back-ups to the back-ups in case her first choice of news spreader isn't available.   She keeps scratching off pallbearers as each one dies, and writes in a new one.  

To give you a giggle (I hope): A friend and I have discussed starting a business that receives a notification when a subscriber dies (perhaps through a Fitbit or other fitness tracker that monitors your heart rate, and thus notices when it stops.)  We send someone to your house, with all of your passwords, to erase your entire online history and life, before your relatives arrive.

That does provide a laugh and reminds me of an episode of Coupling (the UK version); it may have been the pilot or one of the very early episodes, in which one male character reveals that he and another male character are "porn buddies," which he has to explain is not that they share porn but that each of them has a key to the other's apartment and has promised in the event of sudden death, to go to the friend's apartment and remove all the porn before the parents and so forth arrive and find it. Which has also made me remember that I am a registered user of an online fetish site, which charges my bank card a nominal fee every 6 months, and I would not want any family member to have to deal with closing down that account.  Absent you and your friend setting up your business, I'll have to request that a friend of mine who is also a member of that site shut down my account in the event of my sudden death, and provide him with the username and password. I would absolutely trust him to deal with it, and that username/password combo is unique to that site. But that's a reminder that there's various things in our lives that we aren't ashamed of but don't necessarily want to share with family members.

@Spunkygal, thanks for the website link and suggestions. Everyone else, thanks for your kind words.  I'm still trying to process her death but at the same time, one trait that she, my other older sister, and I all shared is that we are very rational and organized people. So this experience has reinforced for me that it's better to plan ahead and be prepared than to have distraught family members who have no idea what you would want done during final hospital care and death. 

[Quof]

Ah - a Coupling reference!   Best show ever.  I loved Patrick and Sally.

A co-worker has given firm instructions that, should she ever be hit by a bus, one of us is to go through her desk and destroy all evidence of her secret credit card (the bills and receipts) before her husband comes to get her belongings. 

Quote

@QUOF I think that service already exists on some level but you should start your own business!

But does it include the critical element of knowing the precise moment you pop your clogs?

Edited April 3, 2018 by Quof

[Mindthinkr]

@BookWoman56 I’m very sorry for you loss. 

[DeLurker]

@BookWoman56 - I am sorry for your loss and very happy you were able to see her one last time.  I find it comforting that your family had the strength to see her in the pain necessary so she could legally allow her medical decisions to be communicated and binding. 

[AuntieL]

@BookWoman56 I am very sorry for your loss.  As an estate planning attorney, I can't stress enough the importance of living wills, wills, powers of attorney, and listing all passwords, PINs, etc. I hope knowing that you were following your sister's wishes gave you some measure of peace. 

[Fable]

Before I even say anything, I want to preface by saying, as much as my mom drove me nuts, I always knew she cared for me, and I appreciate the lessons I have learned from her.  This isn’t a bad story.  It may be sad or even funny (depending on your sense of humor). 

I was the oldest of the kids and the only one to have a child out of wedlock.  My mother was raised in a strictly religious home and was mortified.   I didn’t live too close, so she was able to keep it a secret.  Mind you, she always called to check on me and my son, so I’m sure she loved us, and I ended up married to the father, and she eventually let the cat out of the bag, acting as though we had been married much longer than we were and had eloped.  I thought it was weird, but no biggie. 

About 15 years ago, she passed away, and by that time, my oldest also had a son out of wedlock, which she apparently told no one about.  However, my grandson’s mother sent a floral arrangement to the funeral home for Great Grandmother, and all of her friends and family were standing around trying to figure out who the great grandchild was.  I owned that it was my grandson, and I was slightly amused at the buzz it generated, though I wish my mom had been able to get beyond her shame. 

[BookWoman56]

Now that my oldest sister's cremation has been done, my siblings and I have had to have some discussions about what to do with our mother. In this case, it came down to me and my other older sister coming up with a plan, getting our mother to agree to it, and then informing my brother and younger sister that we were going forward with our plan. My mother has been in an assisted living facility for a couple of years, in the same city where my oldest sister lived. With that sister now gone, my mother was unhappy and said she was feeling abandoned, when my other older sister announced she would have to return in a few days to her home on the other side of the country. Our plan is that I will go to FL at the end of this month and get my mother to bring her over to TX to live with me. My brother volunteered to go with me, so that he can drive a small moving van of her stuff over here so she will have some familiar furniture and belongings. Of the remaining siblings, I am the only one with a combination of enough space and no other serious caregiver commitments to deal with the situation. My other older sister has opted over the past decade or so to go with very small houses, and just completed construction of a new house that is close to her daughter, so no room. My brother already has serious caregiver commitments because of his wife's mother being in very bad shape. My younger sister, about whom I've ranted numerous times here, has serious substance abuse issues and so does her husband; the consensus among the rest of us is that she and her husband would siphon off my mother's monthly income and spend it on drugs.  All of them have said they're relieved that I am taking on the responsibility for our mother. I'm doing it not so much because I have any intense desire to have my mother live with me, but I just don't see any other good solution. Even if she ends up having to go into another assisted living facility or nursing home here, I would at least be able to check on her regularly. Right now, I'm figuring that once I have her settled in, I will take her out a couple of days a week to one of the local senior centers where she can socialize and play bingo, etc. 

I do need some practical advice from anyone who has experience dealing with a wheelchair. My mother is in a wheelchair but she is able to take a few steps on her own, provided she can hang on to something. The wheelchair is a result of combined leg weakness and extreme vertigo, so she was falling regularly until the use of the wheelchair. It's become obvious I'm going to need another vehicle fairly soon; my daughter and I share one vehicle, which has worked out okay because I work from home so she can generally take the car to her college classes. But we had been discussing another vehicle anyway, and our current vehicle, while not a sports car, has a somewhat sporty design and so would be difficult for my mother to get in and out of. So, here's my question: Given that my mother can get herself in and out of the wheelchair into a seat, should I opt for just a full-size car with enough trunk space for the wheelchair, or would a minivan be a better option?  Up until now, she's been okay in a full-size car but before I make the plunge to get another vehicle, I'd like to figure out what will be the easiest for her and for me to deal with getting both her and the wheelchair transported for doctor visits, excursions to the mall, etc. 

[emma675]

BookWoman56, you're a good egg.

Does she have problems pulling herself up or sitting down? My parents, who are still mobile, have both opted for suvs because they say it's easier to get in and out of with the additional height. 

[ebk57]

@BookWoman56, while my dad was able to get in and out of our cars without too much trouble, a friend of mine who was caregiver for her mother for many years said she preferred a small SUV because of the height, as @emma675 said.

 

Good luck to you.  It's a mitzvah, what you're doing. 

[DeLurker]

As my Dad's strength & coordination deteriorated, my Mom switched cars with me.  She has a Subaru Outback, but as he needed more help getting in and out, she felt a lower profile would be easier.  So we swapped the Outback for my Prius.  Getting in once she had him positioned right, gravity could help.  

Getting out was a lose lose situation.  In the Prius, he needed more assistance getting out, but in the Subaru the slight step down combined with periodic vertigo put him at risk of taking a spill.

They got a smaller travel wheelchair too because the regular one was too bulky & too heavy for Mom to wrestle.

We had grab rails installed in the shower (professionally).  This turned out to be a very good idea.

[theredhead77]

Just now, DeLurker said:

We had grab rails installed in the shower (professionally).  This turned out to be a very good idea

@BookWoman56 no car advice but highly suggest getting grab rails in the shower, and either a grab rail or a support for the toilet professionally installed ahead of your mom's move.

[BookWoman56]

Thanks for the advice. The grab rails are on my to-do list as something that must be done before she moves in, but for the next couple of months I may just rent a different vehicle for any specific days where I need to take her someplace, and get a feel for which type--larger car, minivan, or SUV--works best. Also need to consider a lightweight travel wheelchair. Right now I have created a spreadsheet of tasks and prioritized them into stuff that has to be done before she gets here, stuff that would be nice to have done before she gets here, and stuff that can wait. For example, I had started a DIY project of ripping out my carpet upstairs and installing laminate instead. While I'd like to get that done soon, it's now in the "it can wait" category since my mother will not be upstairs. OTOH, we were about halfway done installing laminate in the downstairs bedroom where she will be staying, and so I've drafted my son to help me finish that this weekend while he's off work. 

[DeLurker]

One of the physical therapist also recommended an auto grab bar for the car - similar to this.

It was a very useful item, low cost and pretty small.  I forget where I got it - either in Walgreen's or a local medical supply store. 

My Dad also had a chest harness - basically a big belt that goes around the chest area - that was really helpful.  If he started to lose his balance, you could grab on to the belt which would provide support to the upper body.  Apparently, if the upper body starts to slump, it is much more difficult to stabilize the person upright (probably not a technically correct definition, but just from an everyday person's experience).

It took a bit for him to get used to it - he resisted because it felt funny to have something around your upper body most of the time.  But it was really helpful on many occasions in preventing him from taking a fall.  My Mom actually broke her finger (pinky) trying to catch him from a fall when he was still resisting wearing it - trying to catch someone when they are falling is an automatic reaction.  After the broken finger, she was insistent that he wear it.

Not trying to overload you - I know you have a lot on your plate right now.

[theredhead77]

17 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

One of the physical therapist also recommended an auto grab bar for the car - similar to this.

My parents were looking at that for my dad but I have serious concerns about the amount of pressure on the door latch.

@BookWoman56 you may want to contact your mom's insurance provider, some of your home modifications (grab bars, etc...) may be covered.

[DeLurker]

On 4/15/2018 at 8:57 AM, theredhead77 said:

My parents were looking at that for my dad but I have serious concerns about the amount of pressure on the door latch.

Understandable.  I'd look for ones with good reviews and a having the product on the market for a good amount of time.  They'd be ripe for lawsuits if there was a problem with the design and a user got hurt as a result.  Reviews would definitely say if someone had a problem with door latch damage as a result.

[PRgal]

What do you do when your parents (or mom, in particular) think having a baby (or wedding) registry can be seen as if you're demanding gifts?  Culturally, people from my background give you cash and registries aren't really "done."  In fact, my mom advised against a wedding registry when my husband and I were planning our wedding and seems very upset that we're going to have one for any kids we may have (we were considering adoption, but are now looking at surrogacy).  Funny, because she seems to be okay with other North American traditions, like having a (baby) shower.