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Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Quotes: "Feet Are the New Butts"

ElectricBoogaloo

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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

(edited)

I wish I had thought to start this thread when I started watching the first episode because I'm already through the fourth episode and can't remember some of the hilarious lines!

[Kimmy picks up Jacqueline's old iPhone]
Kimmy: Is this a Macintosh?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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fantasmik

fantasmik

Kimmy [speaking into her iPhone]: Siri?
Siri: What can I help you with?
Kimmy: I'm a Mole Woman.
Siri: That's messed up.

 

Titus: What?!  Lillian, WHY is my doll furniture on the curb?
Lillian: Because it's all I could carry!

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BoogieBurns

BoogieBurns

(edited)

Song: "I beat that bitch wit a bat"

Titus: I can't change America

 

Logan: Oh, so it's pushy-shovesies is it?

 

Titus: Ass-pay. Why I would I try pig latin for the first time ever now, anyways?

 

Lillian: He picked the wrong Boys II Men song!

 

Kimmy: What would a Care Bear say about how you acted?

Logan: It depends on the bear, Kimmy.

 

Titus: Last time two men fought over me I was a table at an arm wrestling match.

 

Kimmy: Can you teach me math?

Titus: Girl didn't you just hear me say lib-ary?

Edited by BoogieBurns
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fantasmik

fantasmik

Titus: Black, gay and old? Oh, I'm not even gonna know which box to check on the hate crime form.

 

Titus: I got treated better as a werewolf than I ever did as a black man. That's messed up!

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fantasmik

fantasmik

Xan: I don't get you guys. You did all this for Kimmy? She's the worst.

Lillian: Sure, she's not perfect. She smiles too much, like a collie. And red hair, brown eyes? Guess God ran out of crayons.

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helenamonster

helenamonster

Titus: "Come on, Florida."

 

Kimmy: "I forgot my phone had a clock. Where is Cupertino?" Just the way she says Cupertino, like it's some exotic faraway land, cracked my shit up to the point where I had to pause the episode and my mom had to come in to make sure I was ok.

 

All of the wrong things that various characters say about the Bible are pretty funny too. "Gosh, and his son Jeepers."

 

"I don't just like you, Dong. I like you like you." "Yes, but I'm getting on a bus bus."

 

"It went to voicemail. Call it again."

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JakeyJokes

JakeyJokes

Lillian: High heels were invented by a man. Because no woman has ever invented anything. (I laughed out loud because that was a perfect example of a joke not going where I thought it would)

 

Cindy: If none of this would have happened, Brandon wouldn't have chosen to be gay --

Kimmy: Cindy. No one chooses to be gay.

Cindy: I know, I know! You accidentally watch "Magic Mike" during a lightning storm!

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helenamonster

helenamonster

Lillian: "I can't bury another beautiful black man. One night, my husband got up to use the bathroom, and on his way back to the bedroom, he was shot in the face."

Titus: "By you, Lillian."

Lillian: "It was the middle of the night and a black man was trying to get into my bed. It was the '70s!"

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JakeyJokes

JakeyJokes

Jacqueline: You'll need to be here by 6:00 A.M. every morning to get Buckley up for school. Then come back at 10:00 A.M. to get me up, but don't wake me up.

 

Kimmy: So what do you want to do tonight?

Titus: Honestly? Listen to Diana Ross albums alone while I do stretches to alleviate my gas.

 

Jacqueline: Actually, Buckley, this isn't your worst birthday ever. Your worst birthday was when you busted my genitals.

 

Titus: I envy you! I've never been able to meet me!

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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

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(edited)

Kimmy: Titus, do I have any mail?
Titus: Girl, you know I don't know. Check my Quest Diagnostic Barbie chalet.

Kimmy: Lillian, if I just wanted to see Dong, I'd have gone back for my scrunchie already. I mean, that's 78 cents down the drain. Without blue, my whole weekly rotation is off. I can't wear a green scrunchie on Thursday. Everyone will think I'm horny.

Jacqueline: Dyzliplen. Treats hyperactivity, ADHD, and Kanye West spectrum disorder.

Kimmy: Hey, door. What's up? You ever miss being a tree?

Kimmy: Sorry, but giving up isn't my jam. My jams are grape, jock, and space.

Kimmy: Are you sure it's Buckley? Does he have an English accent? Because it could be a Parent Trap.

Jacqueline: I'm like a female Mr. Mom!

Lagerfield minion: She isn't worth it Quenstifer!

Jacqueline: My brain - it's Talbots-ing!

Jacqueline: Holy Jesus! A peplum? Oh no! No no no no no no no! Crepe palazzos?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

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(edited)

Titus: Which incarnation of Madonna do you most identify with? There are wrong answers.

Kimmy: Jeepers G. Christmas! What the heck?

Gretchen: I'd like to cut off his butt and make him eat it and then ask him how he plans to poop it.

Mikey: I've been reading up on all the lifestyle, all the gay types. There's bears, cubs, wolves, chickenhawks.
Titus: I'm a flamingo because I'm delicate and colorful and I often stand on one leg due to a plantar's wart.
Mikey: I think I might be an otter which got me pretty interested in otters as a species. Did you know they use rocks as tools?

Mikey: Hey, princess! Are you a high chair? Cause I want to put a baby in you!

Kimmy: Okay, we got ice cream! Six cones is a lot and strawberry sauce on coffee doesn't make a ton of sense, but the important thing is you made a decision.

Mikey: There are other kinds of being gay though, right? I mean, I always pictured, like, wearing sweaters a lot and cooking together and having a big shaggy dog and the whole place is just covered in fur. It's all just fur and sweaters and hair and fur and hair.

Mikey: Dude, [The Lion King] is my favorite movie, play, t-shirt, and sleeping bag ever!
Titus: I once went to a party as Nathan Lane Bryant.

Lillian: I sprinkled rose petals on the bed. Actually it was barbecue potato chips.

Coach Sergei: Pepsi Cola flip. Yes, Gretchen. Now Little Caesar's Pizza Pizza Pizza side aerial. Good. And rock and roll Elvis dismount. Now never have period.

Gretchen: As we all know, Little Lisa died last night from, I'm told, an exploded boobie. But through her faith, she was taken up to girl heaven which is pink and stupid.

Mikey: Man, you are ridiculous.
Titus: Thank you.

[Titus kisses Mikey]
Mikey: Wow. I mean, I kissed boys before, you know at football camp, at Boy Scouts, at Equinox, but that stuff wasn't really gay. Wait a minute. That was all gay!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

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(edited)

Kimmy: Maybe it's a play about aliens who come to earth and if they're going to save that rec center, they're going to need to start dancing!

Titus: I'm going to do what every actor's friends love most - a one man show about the most scintillating subject on God's green earth.

Jacqueline: A wedding invitation from the Van Rensselaer twins.
Kimmy: Oh, are they getting married on the same day?
Jacqueline: Actually, they're marrying each other. It's disgusting but it keeps the money in the family. And they're so in love!

Titus: As you know, I vividly remember all my past lives. There's Cyrus, the first openly gay slave, Alphonse who almost invented the raisin, and Napoleon, a very sick parrot.
Kimmy: No pug dogs?
TItus: For the last time, no! But none of my past selves were more talented or more troubled than the Japanese geisha Murasaki.
Kimmy: You're playing a Japanese woman?
Titus: Playing? I WAS a Japanese woman!
Kimmy: Well, if Aisha Tyler can play a white woman on Friends, then I guess it's okay.

Jacqueline: Tucker Cobblepot, how do you keep getting younger?
Tucker: I did that thing Trump did where they gather your head skin up and tie it in a knot on the top of your skull and then cut new face holes in what used to be your neck.

Jacqueline: How am I supposed to get back at [Julian]?
Tucker: I don't know. Kill yourself in his office? I always hate that.

Jacqueline: My only options now are tech nerds or Bobby Flay.
Kimmy: Don't ever say that!

TITUS PRESENTS
KIMONO YOU DIDN'T
MURASAKI'S JOURNEY

Titus: My show's on the internet where Beyonce and the president live!

Douglas: May I say you look even younger than you did on the cover of Hamptons magazine last year?
Jacqueline: I do that skin therapy where you put on a helmet full of bees.

Jacqueline: This is my dogapoo, Abbatoir.

Titus: They named me one of their top five Hitlers of all time. Real Hitler wasn't even on the list! Why am I not allowed to be Murasaki? I/she am/was me/her.
Kimmy: Titus, those guys are a bunch of hosers! How can they criticize something they haven't even seen?
Titus: Because that's what the internet is! Just anonymous hosers criticizing geniuses.

Kimmy: Remember the people who called you a Hitler? Well, I mentioned your workshop to them. No, no, no, it's great! They apologized. I told them all about you and the web chat moderator himself typed, "I'm so sorry. We really care that he's your friend. Could you guys be any cooler?"
Titus: Oh no, Kimmy. The internet doesn't talk like that. The internet talks like Chandler.
Kimmy: What? No! "I'm SO sorry. We REALLY care that he's your friend. Could you guys BE any cooler?" You can't tell when someone's being sarcastic on the internet!

Corbin: I don't want to hear the end of anything anyone has to say!

Lillian: The internet is ruining everything!
Kimmy: It's just a bunch of Chandlers!
Titus: Tell me about it.

Kimmy: If anything deserves a high five, it's this!
Titus: And yet nothing does.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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bettername2come

bettername2come

(edited)

Andrea: It's called compartmentalizing and it's not a problem because I know the words to describe it. 

 

Kimmy: You told me this was about your drinking.

Andrea: It is. If I weren't so drunk, I could steal a dog by myself.

 

Andrea: I'm sorry you had a kickass adventure. And met a dog.

Edited by bettername2come
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bettername2come

bettername2come

(edited)

Titus: That was my worst audition ever. Wait, second.

Flashback!Titus: AHHH! You said this was blanks!

 

Jacqueline: ....fashion sense of a Canadian child.

 

Kimmy: Oh, that was easy. WHY'D IT TAKE THEM SO LONG TO FIND ME?!

Edited by bettername2come
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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

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(edited)

Kimmy: How do you know those guys aren't just DTF? Digging true friendship. And don't correct me cause I want to believe that bus driver was nice.

Kimmy: Ooh! Can I get your autograph?
Titus: Titus Andromedon - Apples Need Ducks Rarely Oranges Make Every Duck Oranges Need.

Titus: My agent says I have to lose 160 pounds before I can audition for a reboot of Webster.

Jacqueline: Why are we in a HomeBasics?
Lillian: Well, because this is where the scene is now. Yeah, young guys started looking for places where they could chat up ladies who don't know how to Twitter about it. These poor kids. I mean, they spent 25 years being conditioned to be horndogs. Now they just found out it's wrong. They're caught between worlds.
Jacqueline: They're in perv-a-tory.

Jacqueline: My first day as a stewardess, the pilot asked me to join the mile-high club which is how I realized we were flying way too low.

Mimi: I came in here to see what a clean towel felt like and next thing you know, I'm fooling around on a toddler bed with a Micah!

Titus: Long story short, no one told me that toilets on movie sets aren't real. That's why if you watch Sex and the City 2, during the airplane scene the girls were all breathing through their mouths.

Ilan: I love it. Those before they were stars stories.
Titus: John Legend went to business school and how Tim Allen sold coke.
Ilan: I bet you've got some where you're like, "I hope no one digs this one up."
Titus: You mean pornos? I did so many jobs I thought were pornos that just turned out to be DJ documentaries or me helping Ron Jeremy set up for a garage sale.

Mimi: Ooh, is that an AMBER Alert or do you actually know people?
Jacqueline: It's that guy Matt from this morning. He writes, "HomeBasics is open until 8:30 on Wednesdays," winky face, eggplant, eggplant, eggplant, waterfall, penis emoji, and dick pic.

Kimmy: I'm going to show Donna Maria I'm the opposite of a car wash beefcake. I'm a boat dirt bird salad.

Jacqueline: How are men okay with dating girls that young?
Matt: Oh, because we're gross. We'll put it anywhere.

Ilan: I thought I could get through this dinner, but I just, yeah, I don't know if I can take it. It's just so pathetic. I was once captured by Hezbollah. They got me addicted to opium. They made me beat my best friend to death. I broke both my legs jumping out of the window and trying to escape and while suffering heroin withdrawal, I dragged myself and my friend's dead body 50 kilometers through the Beqaa Valley. You see, I got through that. I made it through that. But this? I don't know if I can take this.
Titus: Well, the thing about fame-
Ilan: Omigawd, would you shut up? Just shut up, okay? I am not a fan of yours. What would I be a fan of? Your only credits are a Bumfights DVD and a YouTube compilation of escalator fails and playing Doorman Number Six on an as-yet unaired episode of Daredevil. I used to be Israeli special forces, and now I work for a company called Mulaney Security. See, we were hired by a certain children's television show to dig up dirt on you. Now my employers, they know that the khara is about to hit the fan on Mr. Frumpus. So they want us to do oppo research on anyone that he may have, um, you know, "auditioned."
Titus: It started that way, but then you fell in love?
Ilan: My job was to find ways that we could ruin you in case you ever went public, but how could we possibly make your life any worse? What could we take away? You live in a sideways tugboat. You steal coffee from a car wash. You need a mnemonic to spell your own last name. I've been watching you for weeks, but just today I saw you eat three jars of mayonnaise.
Titus: Yes, only three.
Titus flashback: Ooh! Caramels!
Ilan: You mistook your own toes for candy. Then you fell and couldn't get up.
Titus flashback: Kimmy! It's happening again! Get the oar! Hurry!
Ilan: And that waitress at lunch, she didn't want your headshot as a tip. I speak Russian. She said she would've wiped her own ass with it, except you already destroyed their toilet.
Titus: Fun Hollywood story: Rocky fought a Russian in one of the Rockies.
Ilan: You win. You broke me.

Kimmy: I finally made you a friendship bracelet.
Donna Maria: Put that away. If they find one more pound of hair in the food here, I'll get downgraded to a Sbarro's!

Donna Maria: I'm Tia Donna Maria. I'm the person who convinced Rachael Ray that her true talent was dog food.
Kimmy: I've seen you throw up into a toilet pumpkin while Cyndee was using it. And then she threw up on you.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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