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Spoilers, New Topics & Co
Celebrating 25 Years Of The West Wing

S03.E01: New Blood

Tara Ariano

By Tara Ariano
in The Following [V]

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Desperately Random

Desperately Random

If you're going to write recaps, Snookums, I will hold you as long as you need it!

I'll bring you some soothing tea (or something a bit stronger?) . Whatever you need to get you through watching Hardy and the perpetually incompetent law enforcement agencies that we have come to know and love on "The Following".

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Snookums

Snookums

OMG, YOU GUYS, this damned, fabulous trainwreck is on at NINE, not ten!

 

That means I won't be able to watch it until tomorrow! ( I work afternoon/evening shifts!) So everybody tear into it tonight like a cougar into an overfed poodle and I will slam the bloodied corpses around tomorrow!

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morgankobi

morgankobi

So everybody tear into it tonight like a cougar into an overfed poodle and I will slam the bloodied corpses around tomorrow!

 

 

You can be our raven, since they also feast on carrion! (Wrong season?)

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Such A Flirt

Such A Flirt

It's almost boring without old scenery-chewing Joe.

 

Max and Mike: those two crazy kids are totally going to get back together, right?

 

Ryan's and Max's new love interests are either Followers or marked for death.

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Ms Lark

Ms Lark

Watched this because a) everything else is in reruns, b) hatewatch time! and c) promise of Michael Ealy. Turns out he doesn't show up until Ep. 6! Curses. I thought he'd be a regular.

 

Last year I felt sorry for Kevin Bacon having to do a second season of this bilge. This year, he's dug his own grave. No sympathy from me anymore. What have you done with your career, Kevin?

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thuganomics85

thuganomics85

 

Ryan's new girlfriend is totally the one pulling the strings here.

If not pulling the strings, she's clearly going to have to be involved, because she's Zuleikha Robinson.  I just can't see them casting her merely as a nice doctor and love interest for Ryan.  On one hand, I love her, so I'm glad to see her.  On the other hand, it saddens me that this is the best she can get.

 

The sad thing is that I actually kind of like the idea of this season being about Mark using Ryan and Max's cover-up of Michael killing Lilith against them.  But, I just don't have faith that these guys won't screw it up.  It doesn't help that now Mark has split-personalities, and is basically a less entertaining Gollum or Barry from Archer.

 

Michael's need for vengeance apparently broke up him and Max before it even started, and she's now dating the guy who I will always think of as Chris Partlow from The Wire.  But, I won't be surprised if Michael/Max reignites the flame soon.

 

Joe's on Death Row... yeah, he'll break out soon.  Considering how incompetent the law is around here, they would have been better off just staging an "accident", when it comes to him.  Noticed Gregg Henry was listed as a regular too (he was Joe's "mentor" from last season), so I'm guessing he's going to be involved in all of this.

 

I continue to be amazed over how much Kevin Bacon is slumming it, and yet I get such a kick out of him when he's on screen. Usually it's boring just watching actors cash their paychecks in junk like this, but Bacon's clear boredom to amusement, can actually be entertaining.  Not sure how he does it.

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Snookums

Snookums

ohhhhhh my GOD you guys! 

 

I was, I admit, a little worried. How could this show keep the level of crazy at up to eleven? Keep all those plates in the air? Yea, I was weak, but have seen the light.

This shit is going nowhere but new heights of Mt. Crazy.

 

Kevin Bacon's so great in his acceptance of his new normal. "Well, I guess...Okay, bring on the files and the gun and the wee little flashlight, I'm in." And Max and Mike all soooooo tortured over his vengeance kick and then "Hey, let's get coffee not together and everything" at work. 

 

I've got SO MUCH to write tomorrow! Thank you, TPTB, for letting me ramble on like that drunk you get stuck talking to at a boring office cocktail party.

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Tarasme

Tarasme

 

Poe Head and Sarah already know who's the craziest of them all as they run down the lowlights of The Following's premiere.

 

 

Poe Head! Thanks so much for visiting and making the drivel that is "The Following" entertaining. Thank you Sarah for opening the door and allowing Poe Head to utilize the dust buster to keep his welcome. Poe Head!

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joelene

joelene

(edited)

Zulheika is clearly in on it. And Valerie Cruz will be one of the first on the team to go because girl ain't a regular. All speculation, obviously.

I can't believe I'm still watching this shite. But Twin Boy was actually entertaining with his mirror dining and crazy talk!

Edited by joelene
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TimWil

TimWil

Wouldn't it have been good forward planning for Ryan and the gang to stake out the site of where Lily was shot dead? Wouldn't they have figured that would be the next logical place for Mark and co. to stage their next recreation?

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GraceAnne

GraceAnne

I used to wonder what the writers room was like for this show.
I was positive they were all drunk, although clearly they’ve moved onto something stronger for season 3… perhaps Meth?

 

The crazy thing is some people actually LIKE this show.  I don’t mean love to hate, they actually think it’s a GOOD quality show.
After I meet one of these people it always makes me reevaluate my life.  I mean is it me, am I actually the problem?? Nah….

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Desperately Random

Desperately Random

(edited)

They had Kevin Bacon say "I can't dance". These writers are geniuses. I still can't decide if I love this show more or less than Under the Dome.  

I think this one edges out Under the Dome by a hair. It could be because I had really high hopes for UTD since I loved the book and I was so disappointed until I realized it was good for laughs and snark. I never had much hope for TF and just watched because I love Kevin Bacon. And yes, that "I can't dance" line was great. I was watching closely after that and of course Kevin Bacon was dancing in that smooth, graceful way he has. Loved it.

So far, TF has been as good (funny) as I had hoped. We got Mark back and the actor is still playing both parts but now they don't have to deal with the hassle of using an acting double. I'm sure both the director and Sam Underwood said a big Thank You for that.

I like how nothing on TF has changed. When Ryan, Mike and Max went out to check out the address of Fake Waiter and didn't call for back-up, I knew The Following was back in all its incompetent glory. Ryan still hasn't learned that when you're checking out a person suspected of multiple murders, you might want to take more than a couple of agents with you. Nope, instead they go it alone because that's how they roll (and more often than not lose the suspect.) I will say they did do one thing different in last night's episode. They actually caught a suspect and brought him in alive! When Ryan was chasing Fake Waiter (can't remember his name) through the downstairs Art Gallery, I thought for sure he was going to go through a door and get away. Ryan would then take a quick look around and call it a day. Instead, they actually caught the guy. Alive. Maybe Ryan has learned something after two seasons after all.

Edited by Desperately Random
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Snookums

Snookums

(edited)

Okay, you guys, here we go!

 

So, were you like me and a bit worried about how the whole "The Following 3--This Time It's Even More Personal; Yeah, I KNOW The Whole Theme Is Ryan Hardy Is The Center Of The Murder Universe But IT'S EVEN MORE PERSONAL THIS TIME" was going to go?

 

I mean, they couldn't very well have Joe escape again, at least not at the outset--even in this brutally, comically incompetent version of the universe I'd hope that somebody with the death count of Joe Carroll would be summarily gunned down by somebody who has a scrap of self-preservation floating around in their brains. So Joe as nemesis is out for at least the first handful of episodes, at least directly. But what does that leave us, you ask? It leaves us in the hands of a writing/producing team who have taken meth and champagne ingestion to a fine fucking art is where it leaves us! The Following may be many things, but dropper of its myriad spinning plates of crazy is not one of them. Onward into the premiere!

 

Starts off with the usual "previously" tableaux--quick catch up on the last two seasons' piles of WTF-ery, shot of that agent with the dark hair who was the one who ALMOST got murdered 'cause her partner was a Follower (go, psych evals at the Bureau for the win!) so we don't forget who she is going in and not the one who got buried alive (ah, Poe themed murders, we hardly knew ye), blah blah blah,Lily Grey and the Drama Twins, truly horrendous police work even by this show's standards, Ryan doesn't shoot Joe, "we're gonna have a life" AND WE'RE IN.

 

We open, according to the card, "One Year Later." Okay. Sounds of applause and cheering as we come in to Ryan applauding and grinning fit to beat the band (is it me or have Kevin's teeth grown in the past year? They're really big) and past him to--hey! It's Almost Murdered Agent and her new bride! Who's also blonde! Like that last one who turned out to be REALLY FUCKING CRAZY! Well, second time's the charm, I guess.

 

The two women kiss and seal their union, then head down the aisle in their fab gowns as we pan over our series regulars cheering, with a shot of Max looking lovely in a sparkly dress and fabulous casual hair (how do these women do it? My hair is never casual. My hair is flipping the double bird at you while skulking behind whatever is the cranial equivalent of a Circle K.)

 

The lovely couple head through their GIGANTIC wedding--there are seriously like three hundred guests, and when you think that Almost Murdered Agent had to fit her considerable recovery from stabbing time into meeting her new love, getting engaged and planning this shindig, I honestly do not get how Joe Carroll got more then ten blocks away from prison. This person is the opposite the horrendously sloppy shit we saw going on at the FBI last season. 

 

Anyway, cut to the reception, where Max is gettin' her drinkie on. Go Max! She heads over to Ryan and they have a little bonding over how beautiful AMA looks and how Max usually hates weddings but this is special argley bargley and then this weird shit happens. Max says "uh oh, two o'clock" and says a hottie by the bar is checking Ryan out. Okay, one, this is her uncle, right? Ryan's her uncle? This is kind of creepy. Not mega creepy but still. Also, given what comes later, this whole scene will either make no sense or become Hieronymus Bosch levels of inappropriate. Let's follow Ryan over and you'll see what I mean.

 

Ryan swings over to where a sultry young lady who's at least three points up from him is indeed smiling in fetching manner. He quips "so, friend of the bride, or friend of the other bride?" The gaze leveled at him tells him that he did not bring his A game. They chirp back and forth with some dialogue that wants to be meet cute and charming but probably has the bartender rolling his eyes and deciding to hell with it, he's stealing three bottles of Cabernet instead of two, and SURPRISE! Ryan and Hottie know each other! Quite well, in fact! We find that out when Ryan leans in for a big ol' smoochie and Hottie is totally down for that! Damn, Claire, I hope you and  that tragic hair of yours don't regret leaving Ryan Hardy in the parking lot of Whipped Cream Mansion, because he has moved on.

 

(Okay, so. We find out later that Ryan and Hottie have been dating for six months. So either Max has no idea that her uncle, Ryan "My Whole Life Is Instagram" Hardy has a serious relationship going on, or she does, and is somehow involved in their little "Pretend to pick up a stranger at a wedding" game. WHICH IS REALLY INAPPROPRIATE. DO NOT INVOLVE YOUR CLOSE RELATIONS IN YOUR SEXY TIME RELATIONSHIP SPICE UPS.)

 

So the music starts up and Hottie drags Ryan on the floor, he protesting that he doesn't dance (HAR HAR!) and the music sting as the camera passes over a glaring, brooding waiter tells us that the characters have had just about enough happiness in their lives. Duh duh duuuuuuunnnn!

 

Series of shots of everybody dancing to Light Your Candle, including Max and NOT MIKE. Who is this handsome stranger? Well, Mike just walked in so I guess we'll find out! 

 

Mike strolls in as all the couples who didn't just meet an hour ago are revolving romantically to These Arms Of Mine. Awww. That isn't going to become yet another ironically heartbreaking footnote in the ongoing pitch black farce that is Mike's life in a matter of seconds. Mike looks around, sees the brides, sees Ryan and Hottie (nobody's said her name yet and I can't remember what it is) swaying romantically and smiles. Then he spots Max and Mysterioso and that smile vanishes right quick. 

 

Ryan, having spotted Mike frozen (HA) in place, heads over, all big grins to see his compadre. He ribs him about being late and introduces him to Hottie (whose name is Gwen! Thank you, IMDb FOR BEING NO HELP AT ALL IN THIS) and they do the whole "heard so much about you" "is that good?" routine--gah, whenever these people try to act happy and normal it's like one long cry for help--which is thankfully interrupted by Max coming over to awkward everything up a couple of levels. Strained compliments all round and Max introduces her guy, who is Tom Rayes and apparently works at the Bureau in Hostage Rescue. Well, he used to. A few weeks hanging around this crowd and he'll very quickly be actively killing hostages off. Mike is super duper thrilled to hear his ex and her new squeeze are both going to be working at his place of employ. Goody goody gumdrops for this situation, says Mike's big grin and "please kill me" eyes.

 

Ryan knows what this needs and hauls Mike to the bar for a drink. Ahhh, booze, is there no horrifically ghastly social drowning pool that you cannot rectify? We cut from a "okay, seriously I didn't think he was coming" smile from Max to Tom over to Ryan...standing alone at the bar with coffee. Okay, I guess Mike just kept going out the doors and off the terrace because he knows from long experience that things are not going to spiral up from here. Anyway, Ryan's coffee has the same idea and makes a leap for freedom when he's slapped on the back by--that guy? I think he's Omnipresent Cop from last season?--coming over for some Exposition Dump about how happy the bride looks and she deserves happiness and segues pretty seamfully into how much happier he'll be when Joe Carroll's put out of his misery. Ryan says "less then a month" and while the writers don't actually jump out waving "THIS MEANS JOE'S GONNA ESCAPE PRETTY SOON" signs it's fairly clear which way the wind's blowing. 

 

OP clinks what clearly is not his first whiskey against Ryan's cup and says here's to all the second guessing dying along with him, which tumbles Ryan straight into a flashback to---A CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATION! OH, BOY!

 

I love everything about the following scene, for the pure and simple reason that The Following is never better then when it's acknowledging, for the briefest of moments, how absolute batshit crazy it is by having a blink and you'll miss it spin through the idea of consequences for anything that goes on.

 

Some prissy mouthed Congressman is getting all snotty about Ryan's "lawless reign of terror"--which is precisely, exactly what it was--to find Joe. OP, whose nameplate reads "J. Clarke", so he finally has a name, at least--leans forward and says that couldn't be further from the truth. Actually, I think it's pretty damn close to the truth. Like, sitting on Truth's lap and ruffling its hair and giving it little kisses close. Ryan apparently agrees with me, if his "I really wish they hadn't eliminated my pacemaker as a source of tension last season because if it blew up right now that would be great" expression is any indication. 

 

Prissy Congressman asks if Ryan's got anything to add, and we cut from Ryan to OP to Max (whose on the other side of OP) to Mike, on Ryan's other side, for a tension build until Ryan leans forward and says "no." Very casually, like somebody asked him if he wanted a sandwich because they're doing a deli run but he already ate. Pretty damn cool for somebody who has, presumably, his career at the very least on the line here.

 

But enough of this pesky reality!  Here is the Congressman's speech, word for word: 

 

"While we're appreciative of the work you've done apprehending Joe Carroll, I don't think we can, in good conscience, simply ignore your methods and the many lives lost." DAMN RIGHT YOU CAN'T. This entire brouhaha was a fucking shambles from start to finish. But wait! 

 

"That said, at this time, our investigation has found no substantive evidence of criminal wrongdoing." Gavel bang and everybody's back to their lives.

 

SEE WHAT I MEAN? IN what fucking universe is there no evidence of Ryan, Max's and Mike's multiple and myriad instances of  criminal wrongdoing? And why the hell would the fucking UNITED STATES CONGRESS call a hearing into the matter if there was no GODDAMN EVIDENCE OF WRONGDOING? Were they bored sitting around defunding Homeland Security and this was a little side project or something? These three helped Joe Carroll escape, let Mark The World's Whiniest Twin get clean away, and Ryan at least shot multiple Pinkwashers at the compound! The only place any of these people should be is fucking prison, or at the very least the unemployment line, while TMZ tracks their every move and various assholes try to provoke them into a screaming match so they can post it on YouTube. Their lives should be for all practical purposes OVER. But no! Not only are the Big Three free, they're all still working for the FBI! 

 

At least, when they're not attending megahuge weddings that must have cost more then MOMAs annual budget to put on, which is where we are now for Ryan and Gwen to have another conversation/expositionfest, as he heads out to her on the balcony (where she's presumably watching in awe as Mike scales buildings and vanishes over the skyline) and she apologizes for not being able to stay late but she's got early shift at the ER. Well, that explains how they met. Ryan probably just drops by there weekly to get his latest assortment of knife wounds and bullet holes spackled over. 

 

Ryan is all stay at my place it's closer, Gwen's all really so you like having me around and Ryan's all uh DUH and Gwen's all super BECAUSE MY LEASE IS UP AT THE END OF THE MONTH! This is the New York equivalent of a pregnancy announcement, as Ryan's panicked charge away from Gwen and towards the giant fondant-encrusted monstrosity of a wedding cake indicates. Gwen smiles indulgently and turns to get her purse....

 

DUH DUH DUUUUUNNNNNN! It's Brooding Waiter! He greasily apologizes for "frightening" her, which would work better if Zuleikha Robinson wasn't an inch and a half taller then he is. He does the whole "just a leee-tle too close for comfort" stance and asks if that was Ryan Hardy, and Gwen's all yep, gotta go and of course he's not done, but goes on about how Ryan's the guy who caught Joe Carroll and people call him a hero and Gwen's YEP HEY TOASTS ARE STARTING AND I AM NOT NEARLY LIQUORED UP ENOUGH FOR THEM ALSO YOU ARE CREEPY AS HELL and dodges around him, leaving the guy to be all broody but clearly not finished.

 

Okay, my cats' dinner will no longer be denied so this is an official pause; back soon for blood throwing and general disintegration of the party. Hey, it's better then the usual route of finding your maid of honor banging an usher in the bathroom, right?
 

Edited by Snookums
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Snookums

Snookums

(edited)

Back for Red Wedding; Talky Version!

 

We're watching Ryan doing a very sweet toast to the brides, all about how finding the right kind of love is the most important thing there is and if you find it, you gotta hang onto it (in a very nice little nod to Ryan's sobriety, he's holding a glass of water for this) and everybody's smiling and wiping away single tears and it's just perfect.

 

Well, it would be, if Brooding Waiter hadn't decided to make this all about him, which he does, right now! Just as everybody's raising a glass, he weaves to the front of the crowd and with a cry of "LIAR!",  DASHES A VIAL OF BLOOD ALL OVER RYAN!  And all over the brides, and of all the crazy shit I've seen on this show, nothing tops two women in designer wedding gowns being covered with blood and not rending the tosser of said blood into gobbets of unrecognizable flesh within thirty seconds.

 

But this is The Following, whose motto is "Every Villain Gets A Monologue," and here's Waiter's! Working each separate muscle of his face like they're a Cold War Soviet Era gymnastics team, he rants and raves that Ryan killed his daughter! She was at the Compound! Ryan shot her! He goes on about how she didn't deserve that, she was nineteen, blah blah blah as various guests (the majority of whom are law enforcement) ineffectually hold him back and Ryan receives an unexpected gift from the universe--something to feel really guilty and obsessive about! Yay!

 

Sob sob sniffles about how Sherry was such a beautiful girl and how she just lost her way (yes, no agency or responsibility for the completely of age young woman who was totally down with a serial killer who just popped up on that compound a year ago!)  and how Ryan and Joe should be sharing a cell on death row (YES. WOULD WATCH THAT) and Ryan stands there all yesssssss, mooooorrrre and tells the guys holding Waiter to let him go.Tom Rayes is all um, really? and Ryan Dramatic Whispers that it's all right, let him go. Because clearly there is no way this situation could escalate.

 

But Waiter's said his piece, and he just walks out, leaving Ryan with a major case of Guilt Balls. Man, it is going to be a real challenge for the DJ to bring this party back up. I don't think even "Happy" is going to do the trick here.

 

Back from commercial!  Yes, it's Ryan in bed! He's deep in Brood Mode, which Gwen clocks when she opens her eyes. She quickly closes them again and does the "pretend to wake up and not notice your giant mood cloud" thing and Ryan obliges her by slipping into that fake cheerful persona he does when he's deep in plans for his Wall of Revenge String Art Redo but doesn't want imput. They talk about that whacko wedding thing--Gwen says she didn't see that coming, which proves that she's from an alternate universe--and Ryan grins ruefully. Gwen does the whole don't blame yourself routine but I'm not listening because I'm staring at Ryan's chest. Not for that reason, you pervs. Shouldn't he have a fairly major scar from his lifesaving heart surgery somewhere on there? I don't see one anyplace. I guess when this show's done with a plot point it's really done.

 

Ryan has a little speech about how it's easy to see the dead as just extensions of Joe but he didn't even recognize Sherry's name. Why the hell would he? That whole Pinkwasher thing was chaos from beginning to end and it's not like he was the only one shooting. And hey not to be a broken record but SHERRY WAS PART OF A CULT THAT WHOLEHEARTEDLY WELCOMED AND OBEYED JOE CARROLL. From, like, out of nowhere. I mean, yes it's a shame she made all the wrong life choices at such a young age but who in this version of reality doesn't? Isn't this the New York State that had seventy-fucking-two cults being monitored within its borders or some such nonsense? If Sherry hadn't been running around killing for Joe Carroll she'd be at some airport insistently trying to sell you crappy ass fake flowers and badly written, horrifically edited pamphlets at the very least. So Ryan? Just let this go.

 

But Ryan has never seen Frozen, I guess, so smash cut to Federal Building, New York City. They must have got the Generic Building Kit and never got around to actually naming it after Hoover or Bush or whoever. Ryan walks in, all set for a day of crises and not shooting suspects, and heads right to a random bit player to request that he track down Deceased Sherry's file. I guess everybody's under orders to humor Ryan because Day Player doesn't say "why can't you get it, able bodied adult?" or even sigh pointedly while looking at his own work, but heads right off to find it. Man, that must be the life, huh? I guess being the object of myriad serial killers' obsessions isn't completely perk free.

 

Ryan heads off (Good luck finding him with that file, Day Player!) and finds Newlywed Mendez, also heading into work! Um, what??? Didn't this woman just get married LAST NIGHT??? I'm pretty sure even the FBI lets you take one friggin' day off after your wedding, for God's sake. Even the little back and forth about how her new bride must just love being married to this job/make up for it on your honeymoon/you mean the one I had to postpone until after Joe's execution doesn't make this make any more sense--why the fuck would Mendez have to put off her honeymoon to attend that? It's a month away!

 

The show realizes it's eating its own tail here, because we quickly cut to a briefing where Mike is giving updates on his progress in tracking down Whiny Mark. Ah, yes, that would be the Whiny Mark that you let escape, would it? Mike goes on about how he's isolated and frozen most of the "considerable Grey fortune." And again we are straight back to What The Fuckville. Mike, personally, alone, is the only agent working on this? The FBI doesn't have entire sub-agencies with actual expertise in financials working night and day to do precisely this thing? There's no concerted ongoing effort between international agencies to track down this highly dangerous crazy person who is deeply embroiled in an entire shadow network of mercenaries and slaughterers? I'm all for a supportive workplace but this is just overindulgence.

 

Mendez acts like this is totally normal and gets up to tell everybody to keep on their toes because with Joe's shotgun marriage with death coming up, there could be an upswing in activity. They're pretty sure they've eliminated the network of Followers (EXCEPT FOR MARK I GUESS) but there's no way to be absolutely sure. Well, hey, maybe having more then one person at a time work on cases? That might help.

 

Ryan reiterates that Joe himself isn't a threat (There's a writer in the back holding up a sign saying YES HE IS JOHN 3:16) since he's on "24-hour lockdown." Good thing it takes only two prolonged killing sprees for the prison system to put that protocol in place. Max then says she's been monitoring the web and there's been lots of chatter but no solid threats. Okay, again, Max is the only person doing this? Monitoring the ENTIRE WEB? Because I'm pretty sure there's some intern somewhere who'd be glad to take a break from making copies to help her out with that.

 

Mendez is all good, stay on that, and tells everybody to be vigilant. No problems there! Hell, everybody's so vigilant that Tom's sitting in on the meeting, even though he's with Hostage Rescue and has absolutely no non-Max related reason to be there.

 

But enough of that, let's move on to what The Following does best--awkward sexual encounters that end super badly! We cut over to what's clearly a midscale hotel bar where a guy who is dating his facial hair but not ready to make a full commitment is scanning the crowd. He spots a pretty brunette in black taking a seat at the bar and says "Her" quietly to the blonde woman at his side. She obediently leaps up and head over, giving a full view of the giant, visible zipper running down the back of her dress. Is this a thing? I don't get New York fashion.

 

Anyway, Blonde strolls right up and introduces herself as Natalie, and that's her husband, Kenny, and it's their second wedding anniversary. And something's up because Brunette doesn't say "Um okay" and beat it out of there away from the bridge and tunnelers but smiles and congratulates them, even throwing in a little joke about how the first year's the hardest. Ha ha, it sure is! What with trying to pick up hookers and all, which is apparently this couples' goal. Luckily Brunette is indeed a lady of negotiable affection and smilingly says that she'd be happy to make their night special. Man, that was easy. I always thought you had to book that stuff through Backpage.com or something.

 

And cut to a hotel room, where Husband demonstrates that he must be a millionaire because his seduction technique is not exactly Fifty Shades of Grey. More like enthusiastic golden retriever puppy who wants to pull your dress off. He tosses Hooker onto bed and she puts up with his slobbering thrashings about for a few seconds before saying this should be fun "for both of you." Leaving Kenny stunned by that idea, she smilingly goes up to Natalie and unzips her dress (aha! That's what visible zippers are for, got it. Thanks, New York Fashion!) She has to tell Kenny to stay put before he launches himself at the pair of them, saying that he should "enjoy the anticipation." Man, I hope she negotiated a high fee for spoonfeeding these idiots.

 

Long story short,  Nat's tied to the bed in her bra and undies (because TV Seks) and everybody's trying really hard to pretend this is super sexy and transgressive rather then something you can see on HBO any night of the week, and the entire audience is bored now and just trying to figure out which of these people is the killer (oooohhh, sorry, did I ruin the suspense for you?) and Kenny lunges for Hooker again while Natalie congratulates herself on finding someone else to take the brunt of his romantic ministrations. 

 

Luckily for Hooker there's a sudden thumping from someplace! "What the hell was that?" she says, forcibly extricating herself from Kenny's octopus grip and  Natalie saying it sounds like it's coming from the closet. Kenny slowly approaches, the thumping getting louder--swings the door open--and reveals a tied up maid! Shit! This was not part of the negotiated package! Is this going to cost extra?

 

(An aside here--why the hell did this tied up terrified woman wait until NOW to start pounding on the closet door? Wouldn't she be trying to get their attention the minute she heard them come in? Also, the maid doesn't look like she's tied TO anything, just tied UP. What the hell, show?)

 

But who cares? She's fulfilled her purpose of distracting Kenny, who will have his anniversary shoot wildly downhill in approximately one second--and STAB! goes Hooker into his neck! Shit! "Oh my God, she killed Kenny!" shrieks 1997.

 

Natalie cries out in shock but Hooker puts paid to that by stabbing the shit outta her too! Damn, she's efficient. She rewards herself for a job well done by stealing freshly dead Nat's wedding ring, then turns at the sound of the opening door, as a guy with short blond hair keycards himself in (which is ridiculous, as we'll see later.) He takes in the dead bodies...

 

And asks "started without me, Daisy?" and BANG we are back into one of this show's favorite tropes, Killer Couple Who Gets Off On Killing. Daisy pulls off her wig to reveal a head of blonde hair and throws herself on the guy, who may be a psycho but is at least a far better kisser then Kenny. Too bad he's too dead to take notes. 

 

The couple smooches and does the whole "I'm Natalie and you're Kenny" so I guess their shtick is murdering couples and then pretending to be them. God, but having a psychosexual personality disorder sounds exhausting. I can't imagine going through all this just for a couple hours of sack time. These two are pretty into it though, and proceed to bone amidst blood, dead bodies, and the presumed viewing displeasure of the maid. 

 

Cut to FBI coffee room! Time for some male bonding, as Ryan tells Mike it's good to have him back and Mike says it doesn't look like he's been missed. Ryan's all, you have, I missed you! Mike's all not what I meant but hey, make it all about you. He says Gwen seems great and Ryan is beaming about how they've been together six months and he hasn't felt like this for a really long time. I guess being pursued by a ruthless band of murderers can interfere with one's pair bonds. Mike asks if he's gone to see Joe (WTF? Why would Ryan go see Joe? Why would anybody LET Ryan go see Joe?) but Ryan just nopes out and says as soon as they catch Mark Mike will be able to move on just like he has. Well, now that they've got more than one lone agent working on it there may indeed be some action there. 

 

Ryan heads out with a cryptic comment about leaving the FBI "When it's time" and Mike, shaking his head over that, goes to leave too--and runs straight into Max! They stare at each other and ZWOOMP we transition to "Eleven Months Ago" and Mike grimly zipping up a suitcase. Max, with equal grimness, says "don't go."

 

Look, long story short Mike is off to singlehandedly hunt down Whiny Mike and Max is opposed to this course of action. She's all you're gonna KILL HIM, aren't you and Mike says UM YEAH, and Max has the nerve to get on her high horse about this; b she brings up the fact that she covered up his extramural murder of Lily Grey for him but since that isn't really strengthening her case Mike grabs his backpack. Back and forth with more press lipped mutterings and Mike is out the door, on his lonely road to justice. Or vigilantism. Those are interchangeable, right? 

 

Smash back to the present and these two blood-crossed lovers are all "we should catch up!" "Yeah, second of Never work for you?" as they walk by the smoking ruins of their doomed pile of romance, cover ups and lies. But hey, free coffee! 

 

Hey, check it out! Day Player found that file on Sherry! Ryan's all thanks for wasting hours of your valuable time looking for this, hope too many mass murderers didn't slip out of our grasp while you were running errands for me. Day Player exposits that Sherry got shot three times but there's no way to know whose bullets killed her and saunters off to collect his SAG card as Ryan goes to find a good brooding spot. Ah, here in the middle of this crowded lobby looks good! He looks at a couple of pictures of a pretty young girl with every thing ahead of her but before he can really work up a major mood Exposition Cop wanders by and uses the keen FBI trick of looking over Ryan's shoulder in a crowded public place and scanning the presumably confidential file before asking what's up.

 

Back and forth about putting all that behind us which Ryan ignores and we cut to The Miller Residence, Queens, New York. Hey, nice house! I can see why Sherry wanted to give all this up to run around in the freezing woods and do naked finger painting for that loser who was running the cult before Joe showed up. Ryan knocks at the door, confident that this dead girl's parents, one of whom publicly assaulted him and called him a murderer, will be thrilled to find him on their doorstep. Everywhere Ryan goes he brings sunshine.

 

A woman opens the door and Ryan introduces himself. She says she knows who he is and Ryan launches into how he just wants to apologize and the audience tenses for the bucket of blood this woman presumably has on hand--but instead she says she loved her daughter but she was troubled, and she doesn't blame Ryan for what happened. Say what now? Somebody who doesn't blame Ryan Hardy for something? Is this Opposite Day?
 

Ryan, blinking in shock at not being slapped or punched, asks if her husband's there, presumably to get things back on an assault-y footing, and she calls for him. A middle aged, bearded guy who clearly is NOT Brooding Waiter comes up asking if he can help him and Ryan's all nope, everything finally makes the kind of sense it always makes in my life.

 

Speaking of Brooding Waiter, he's just come by the hotel room of slaughter and banging. Daisy reprimands him about supposing to be there twenty minutes ago, but he snarks that "knowing you two" he's glad he's late. Gazing at the scene, he declares it "all wrong." Looking worried, he says it has to be perfect or "he'll kill us all." Uh oh! 

 

Part three coming up! 

Edited by Snookums
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Snookums

Snookums

Damn, this thing is kicking my ass. It really was not supposed to go on this long, she said disingenuously. 

 

Okay, so we're finally getting to the stuff's that's The Following's meat and drink--whackadoo highly elaborate murders performed solely to get Ryan Hardy's goat. Ryan could provide an African nation with the goats he has had gotten over the past three years. 

 

He's standing in the hotel room listening to Mendez "Honeymoon? What Honeymoon?" give the details on Dead Nat and Kenny, who are now hung up in the kind of tableau that Hannibal does better and should also be ringing some bells in many heads here, but Ryan's too busy flashing back to Brooding Mystery Waiter to pay full attention. To be fair though, the whole RYAN HARDY LIES written in blood probably is helping remind him of that, as he points out. Mendez asks if this could be Joe's people but Ryan's says there's no mention of Joe, just him. Joe's sun has set, Ryan's is rising.

 

Blah blah blah and Mendez says the room was listed as empty. (Ya don't say! How, precisely, did Crazy Boyfriend get a key card, then? Hmmmm? Oh well, who cares. Daisy probably texted it to him or something.) And that the girl used the maid's card to get in--her body's over there in the closet, bummer. See, this is why you don't wait to start pounding on the closet door with no lock that a crazy person shoved you into. 

 

Mike asks about hotel security video and Mendez says it was disabled "during the attack." What? How does that work? Are there supposed to be cameras in the rooms? I'm pretty sure that's against some law or other. And it's not like Daisy stopped things to run down to the security office, punch out the guards and shut off the cameras, right? That line needed another draft. 

 

Ryan expos that there's more then one killer, and they're not done, they have a message blah blah blah blah. Like, Mendez, do you even lift? All this is pretty old news for anybody who's hung around Ryan Hardy for more than fifteen minutes.

 

Cityscape, and we cut to Daisy and whatshisname drunkenly making out on a posh couch in an equally posh house. Their PDA fest is interrupted by BW, who comes in, glares and says they have a room. Well, yeah, but the police are there now...oh, you mean here. Daisy giggles and Boyfriend, who clearly isn't ready to follow Ryan into AA anytime soon, slurs that their love cannot be contained by rooms, man. BW  gives that shit the eyeroll it deserves, then moves on to bitching them out about touching the food he's clearly got marked as his in the fridge, and everybody needs to respect boundaries, okay? Ahhh, yes, this roommate. Everybody has had this roommate. 

 

Daisy and Boyfriend continue swilling cheap domestic beer and generally being all loosen up guy, life's all about killing and sexing, not getting all tight ass about who ate whose yogurt, amirite? BW changes gears by asking petulantly if "he" has come downstairs yet or asked how it went. Daisy says no, he's in one of his moods. BW's day has been without pleasure or reward. He snaps that they've got a job to do so let's just get it done and we can move on to that glorious period of our lives where we don't know each other.

 

Daisy and Boyfriend agree, but when they get up they're both clearly the worse for wear. Daisy blames it on the time change and BW says there is no time difference between here and Ohio. (What? I'm pretty sure there's a fairly substantial one, actually). Boyfriend insists he just needs a minute but BW is fed up with this sloppy work ethic. He says forget it and he'll do this one himself, then stalks out. 

 

Cut to BW working up a real sob storm at what's apparently a support group for bereaved individuals. From the expression on everybody's faces this isn't the first time they've watched one of these performances. He goes on and on, face all shiny with tears for his nonexistent daughter (well, she existed, just not for this guy) and most of it's padding except for a camera pause on a guy who is clearly marked for death. And after the meet, when Guy comes up to BW to bond, it becomes pretty obvious that whatever BW wants him for, it doesn't involve him being alive.

 

Cut to Mike and Ryan talking about BW and how his pain felt "so real." Well, I hope so, he went to a lot of Meisner workshops to really be in that moment. Ryan says says BW probably couldn't really feel emotions so he learned to mimic and now he's Laurence Olivier. Olivier may have done some bad movies but I don't think he hung around grief groups honing his art, Ryan. 

 

Hey, Day Player's back! And he's apparently Ryan's personal messenger spaniel because he's just there to inform Ry that security called and there's somebody waiting out front for him. Damn, couldn't security just phone up with that info? Doesn't this guy have anything else to do?

 

But hey, it's Gwen! Who was made to wait outside instead of in the lobby for some reason! She's there to bring Ryan a cup of "decent coffee" and some cake pops. Ryan Hardy is fucking KING OF THE FBI HERE. 

 

Aw thanks, you're really sweet, Ryan says flatly, with no more passion or gratitude then he showed the elevator for conveying him to the lobby, and here it comes: the patented Ryan Hardy Push Away! Long scene about how this isn't a good time and how he's gonna be busy for a while and she can't count on seeing him for a while and Gwen, good for her, puts her finger in this Bullshit Dyke right away and calls him on it. He lame assedly denies doing what he is totally doing, but Gwen twigs that "it's happening again."  More back and forth and Gwen says hey, don't be so quick to toss this like you do EVERYTHING that isn't serial killer related, but before Ryan can reply Mike and Max come out with an update on BW, he's apparently some guy named Andrew Jacobs who didn't exist before ten months ago. They've got an address, though, and are going to check it out. The waves of relief coming off of Ryan at being able to track down a crazy killer rather then hang with his loving girlfriend are palpable. I'm starting to think that Ryan has some issues. 

 

Gwen does the Cool Girlfriend routine of it's okay, go, and Ryan says he'll call her (Lame. LAAAAAAME.) and walks off, thanking her for the coffee. But hey, she got to keep the cake pops! Best part of a bad job in my opinion. 

 

The Intrepid Three pull up in front of a clearly abandoned, dark, dangerous building that is quite likely holding a crazy nutjob whacko killer. So they immediately call for backup and a SWAT team and update their superiors on what's going on. Ha ha! No they don't! They just stroll right on in, exchanging quips, as you do. Yes, what could possibly go wrong, based on this  team's history? 

 

Mike forces the door open and they file in, guns and flashlights at the ready. Mike shuts the door firmly (Is that a good idea? That seems like a bad idea) and they move slowly into the place, looking around for any minute clue...

 

Or hey, this wall full of BW's headshots! That'll do! They're all of him just emoting up a storm and I feel sorry for his neighbors having to listen to the endless sobfest that this wall o' emotion represents. Say, wouldn't you think this GIANT WALL OF A SUSPECT'S PHOTOS would warrant some kind of, I don't know, call for backup? You would? Well, you're a big stupidhead because this situation clearly calls for advancing single file up the staircase (Staircase! How are you, you ol' so and so?) towards whatever dangers lay in wait! Hey, it's always worked before! If by "work" you mean "generate a giant pile of bodies."

 

Just a little bit further to go, though, and they run into another tableau, starring an anonymous brunette girl and that guy from the support group. Man, BW really does have a strong work ethic, I should go easier on him. What's most arresting, though, is the big MAX HARDY LIES painted in blood on the wall. Ohh, the blame pool is expanding! Welcome to the family, Max!

 

Okay, that's halfway through the episode and I am exhausted. We'll move on to more fun and games and two for the price of one crazy twins tomorrow!

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TVHappy9463

TVHappy9463

Liked it! Love me some Bacon! The tableau idea is creepy as hell, just like the Joe masks from last season.  And when will Joe be back. I know the Hannibal thing has been done to death, but they will stay his execution and he and Ryan will be insightful together. But there will be a twist.  Ryan is sober, so Max is a drunk? I don't like Ryan's girlfriend, and I won't care when they kill her off.  

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opus

opus

(edited)

 I don't like Ryan's girlfriend, and I won't care when they kill her off.  

Or she's revealed as the mastermind.

Edited by GaryE
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Snookums

Snookums

(edited)

Okay, part FOUR oh my GOD. This damn show.

 

Okay, so we're at the abandoned house with the second tableau and Max is tripping at realizing that a lifetime of professional misconduct can lead to unseemly consequences. Given the whole being called out on their sins thing maybe it's best that the big three didn't call anybody and are proceeding to tromp around the crime scene, scattering evidence in their wake while the suspect is out doing God knows what so they can ask themselves "why this feels so familiar", per Mike. 

 

Ryan, who's had the most practice at this shit, figures out that this tableau is of Max shooting Luke (ahhh, remember that? That was so great!) and there's a little flashback of Max firing and Luke getting it the head. It stops before they show Mark turning into a combination of Flash and The Hulk and getting away with Luke's body, though. Probably wise. 

 

"Mark. Is behind this," grits out Mike, and just like that we're in a nice kitchen watching a nice meal being prepared by a young blonde fellow who looks rather familiar. Who, oh who could it be? We watch as he prances around his kitchen, some song by a girl group playing as he puts the finishing touches as what I have to admit looks like a pretty tasty meal. He comes out with the plates, saying he used goat cheese this time, he saw it on Martha! Is that show still on? Does she still bring her dogs on there? 

 

Mark (DUH) sits down, chattering away about how he wants criticism and be honest, he can take it (so Mark hasn't gained too much self-knowledge, then) to a shoulder and arm of somebody who seems to enjoy both Mark's voice and sitting very still. It will surprise nobody who isn't a mollusk raised in a Skinner box that this, in fact, a full sized crash test dummy with a cheap hand mirror taped where the head should be. Okay, even for Mark? This is leveling up. 

 

Mark stares in the mirror, seeing himself, and answers "Delicious, little bro, Martha's got nothing on you." Oh, I dunno, I bet Mark still needs to work on his hollandaise. And the fact that his dead brother is not only apparently running around in his head but convinced him the best look for life on the lam was Bad Bleach Job Club Kid circa 1993. But other then that, everything's jake!

 

Cut to Ryan in the World's Gloomiest FBI Briefing Room, giving everybody the lowdown on Mark and his latest art installations. He explains the setups, including the fact that the one featuring him was after he killed Giselle, Mark's adopted sister, and I'm glad he did because I'd forgotten about her completely. Mike, whom nobody is directing pointed stares at at all, says that Mark has upped his posing dead bodies game considerably and Ryan chimes in that that means Mark has his own followers now. Um, okay. I've accepted a lot of shit from this show but the idea that MARK could attract followers? Just, no. A handful of psychos he's paying from whatever accounts of Lily's that haven't been tracked down yet, sure, but followers? Even in this version of reality that is just too sad.

 

 

Cut back to Mark's Murder Mansion of Patheticness, where BW is entering to find the master of the house doing a pace and mutter routine that is clearly familiar to him. He gets Mark's attention and says they're heading out to "the last thing" and he said he wanted to come? Mark says he can't and to go ahead without him; BW does a perfunctory "you sure?" but clearly is fine with not bringing Friends Inside My Head here along. He leaves and

 

ACTING MOMENT! as Mark abruptly begins having both halves of a conversation, wherein Dead Luke starts bossing him around and slapping him upside the head (from within said head) and sure enough, within minutes Mark's raring to "make them pay." Sam Underwood does what he can with this trope that had whiskers on it back when soap operas had actual cultural cache, and it is fun to watch him get all huffy. We cut from his daily pep talk to 

 

Ryan and Mendez, who is the only person in this place, apparently, who thinks to ask why Mark is calling Ryan and Max liars, exactly. Yes, why is that, Ryan, my little lost lambikins? Ryan tries to brush her off but she insists, so he stops and points out both the twins were fucking nutballs and Mark probably hasn't gotten any better at the whole reality thing since Luke got lead poisoning. "But I do know who his next target will look like, " he says, deftly turning the conversation. "Lily Grey." Oh, dear. Even Lily's dopplegangers fuck things up.

 

Cut to Daisy and Boyfriend, along with BW, getting ready to leave, when suddenly Mark appears in a very adorable little fake beard and 'stache, along with glasses. His inner twin has done quite the job on him because now he's just positively squeaky with delight over the coming night. "Why should I let you have all the fun?" he chirps. "C'mon, let's go kill some people!" BW doesn't look all that happy, and neither do Daisy and Boyfriend, frankly. I guess that Craigslist meets can be kind of iffy. But they head out, nonetheless.

 

Cityscape, then Max proves her worth by pulling up a CCTV shot of BW in a tux from a security camera! Pretty good considering there's several million people to sort through! But she did have some help from Day Player Agent, who apparently is a jack of all aspects and is currently the one doing her bidding. This show will do ANYTHING to keep the lines on camera actor expenses down.

 

Trying to figure out where BW could be headed, Ryan says they have to think like Mark. So, burst into tears and cook dinner for breakfast? I guess not, because he's focused on where they'd find a Lily lookalike. And Day Player Agent comes through in the clutch again, saying there's an art fundraiser five blocks from the subway stop! Go, Day Player Agent! If you were running things everything would be a lot better. Mendez could probably go on her honeymoon, at least. 

 

Ryan tells Day Player to call NYPD and have them meet the intrepid trio there! Holy Moses, backup? Where am I? I'm so dizzy!

 

The spots clear and we're at Fancy Art Shindig, watching BW circle with a tray bearing a single glass of wine. Really? The rest of the waiters must be pissed at their union for letting this guy work. We cut to Daisy and Boyfriend, then Beard Mark and Luke, whom I shall refer to as Mook for this scene, since the whole "convo with myself" thing is a constant here. They're flower shopping, with Mook scanning the crowd for blond ladies, rejecting them on grounds of beauty. Picky little bitches, aren't they? It's not like Lily's looking too good currently.

 

But wait! Who's this lovely lady in red? The most unfortunate woman in New York, as Mook gasps "she's perfect!" and a couple of texts later, the plan is set in motion. BW moves purposely forward with his single wineglass while Daisy and BF--well, they look pretty purposeful but apparently they aren't directly involved yet. In fact, I'm not quite sure why they're here on the main floor at all. But no matter! BW, using his expertise at getting permanently staining liquids on expensive clothing, dumps that wine right on Blonde Lady's dress! He apologizes and within a few seconds is guiding her to a ladies' room one floor down. Pretty slick, I admit. 

 

Blonde Lady heads downstairs to the only ladies' room at public function in New York City that doesn't have a line out the door. Nothing suspicious here! She does seem a bit weirded out by the utter silence but is mostly focused on trying to save her frock. That will swiftly shoot downwards on her list of concerns, however, since Mook, the world's least reassuring smile on his face, is right behind her. 

 

Cut to Ryan and a bunch of cops arriving at the scene! He tells Mike that Mark will be here; Lily was his mom and he's not leaving this tableau to his followers (NOT FOLLOWERS, SHOW. STOP TRYING TO MAKE MARK FOLLOWERS HAPPEN. THEY'RE A HANDFUL OF NUTJOBS GETTING PAID) and they head into the party, giant FBI logos glaring from their backs and sleeves. Okay, so I guess they want to make sure their quarry has lots and lots of time to spot them and get away. Ahhh, like the good old days. 

 

To their credit, I must admit, it takes them approximately one second to spot BW (who is back up at the party WHY exactly? They've got Faux Lily! What, does he need to work eight hours to make his union dues or something?) Unfortunately BW spots them right back and takes off, leading a merry chase through the gathering and down through the basement (but at least Ryan gets to go down a staircase, hurrah! It's the little things, you know?) And the three of them do the usual "search a dark place WITHOUT CALLING FOR THE BACKUP WHO IS LITERALLY SECONDS AWAY" thing. Ahhh. Little things.

 

Ryan's the star, though, so he's the one who gets to fight BW! He's disarmed within seconds and BW, who's got a knife slashes him a good one on the arm, but it's time for Ryan's personal inner twin to come out! Yes, it's Competent Ryan Hardy, here for his fifteen seconds worth of rescuing the plot long enough to stagger to the next scene! WHACK SMACK and BW's down! He gets away and tries to climb a random chain link fence but nope! Ryan pulls him down and demands to know where Mark is. BW smirks that they're too late. 

 

But we're not! Here we are at a familiar looking road, listening to a familiar argument between Mark and Luke! Of course, there's some differences, as Luke and Mark are currently occupying one body, and their female companion isn't riding in the front seat with her throat cut. Yet. 

 

More acting moments from Sam Underwood and some nifty "now his lips move now they don't" bits as Mook talks himself into this, the final statement about Ryan, Max, and Mike. The best part is him yelling at Faux Lily in the trunk to shut up. After some self-pep talk they move on to the next scene, with Mook leading a sobbing, pleading Faux Lily (who of course has no fucking idea what's going on) into a clearing, where Daisy and BF are waiting with some tied up randoms (I'm assuming to play the other parts of the setup.) Again, why were Daisy and BF at the party at all? Didn't them being there mean they had to capture three people after Ryan and everybody else raided the place? How did they manage any of this?

 

But never mind, because Mark's about to feel really bad for a nanosecond before Inner Luke "makes" him shoot a crying, begging totally innocent woman in the chest. Am I supposed to feel sorry for him or something? Because I don't.  Even Daisy and BF are a bit "That's way harsh, Tai" about this scenario. They watch as Mark clutches the poor thing in his arms, wailing for her not to go, not to leave him, as the three captives still to be posed kneel, completely silent, without reacting at ALL to this horrible scene. Wow. Daisy and BF must have caught some New Englanders. 

 

Well, somebody feels bad! Oh wait, it's just BW, who's doing his sobbing routine in an interrogation room until Ryan comes in and tells him to knock it off. Hilariously, he does, instantly, saying "you're no fun" and asking when's the last time Ryan had a good cathartic cry. Ryan's all I was neck deep in catharsis while you were still running around practicing boo hoo faces and gets down to business. BW rags him about how he seemed to welcome being called out at the wedding and Ryan's all DUDE I just want to know what's up with Mark and why the hell you care about or even know him? And with that we cut back to

 

That mysterious white car that rescued Mark and dead Luke back in the season two finale! Yeah, remember how we were all afrenzy with speculation over who the driver could be? Well, it was this guy. Yay. Goody. That was worth waiting a year to find out.

 

Ryan agrees with me, if his facial expression is any indication, and BW says he's a sucker for a good revenge tale. He is? What's he doing here, then? BW goes on about how "this" is gonna be so much more and how Ryan has no idea what's coming. 

 

And here comes another of my favorite bits about The Following: that moment when Ryan Hardy channels the audience! He kind of snorts and explains that while this little moment may be new to BW, it is very, very old hat to him, and Joe Carroll had it alllll over this twerp in glorious dipshittery and scary proclamations, okay? YES. The writers are getting a lot better at sensing when the viewers' collective bullshit meter needle hits the red zone. Ahhh, let me glory in this for a bit.

 

Time's up! Literally, as BW drops the booga booga routine and asks what time it currently is. "Got someplace you gotta be?" snots Ryan. "No, but you do," BW snots back. And we are driving to the darkened grove along with Max, Mike, a collection of cops at the grove where, as a previous poster pointed out, normal law enforcement officers might have concluded it would be worth while having a stakeout--since it is, of course, the very spot upon which Mike shot Original Flavor Lily Grey a year ago. The three Silent Stoic Extras are strung up to represent them around poor dead Faux Lily, around which the words WHILE YOU LIE MORE DIE are written. Well, hell. 

 

Cut to Daisy, who is showing more self-preservation and brains then anybody else on this show ever, as she is packing her shit and getting ready to leave. Good move, girl. Trust me, you do not want to go down the Emma path. BF is all what are you doing, there's still beer in the fridge but as she points out, the cops got Andrew (that's BW) and how long before they're next? BF says stop, think, if we leave here before we finish, what do you think will happen? They'll lose everything and spend the rest of their short lives on the run; "he'll" make sure of it.

 

That doesn't impress Daisy, though, since according to her, "Mark has no idea what's really going on." OHHHHHH? DO TELL ME MORE, but BF does not oblige me and merely says they have to make sure it stays that way as he begins to take her stuff out of the suitcase. I am positive that this has nothing to do with that guy they showed in the previews getting all Cheshire Cat with Ryan. Nope.

 

Back to the Unsylvan Glen and the tech guys, thrilled to be at a crime scene the intrepid trio hasn't yet trampled into evidential oblivion, are zipping corpses into body bags and generally bustling around pretending they got cast on CSI. Mike looks like he has an upset tummy as he stares at the van with MEDICAL EXAMINER written in humongo letters on the back as the scene cuts to Max, learning the wrong coping lesson from Uncle Ryan and pouring herself a big ol' Scotch. Tom comes out and proves he knows what he's gotten into by not saying a word but merely taking her in his arms. I wonder how long before Max tries out her own version of the Push Away. Probably right after Tom turns out to be a Follower of one of the thousands of serial killers who populate this plane of existence.

 

As the Rock Song Montage plays on, we cut to our final shot of Ryan in his Revenge Room, looking at a file full of pictures--Joe, a couple randoms, EMMA (hi Em! How's hell treating ya?) and finally what's her name, the one who got  buried alive (I am not bothering to look up names, there's like one minute to go here). A doorbell has him tucking his version of a family album back on the shelf with the usual heap of debris that is his life and he heads out to answer it. Hi Gwen! She says she's so glad he called and they hug. She says she's sorry for pressuring him but he tells her she was right, he pushes people away, he needs her, blah blah blah. She says she needs him too and smooches time as they head off to the sack. Calling it now, Gwen's a Follower or a Stabby Free Agent or some damn thing.

 

Last scene, and we are back with Mook, who has separated back into Mark and Crash Test Dummy. They're having yet another meal (good Lord, this guy has the metabolism of a ferret on coke) as Mark has another convo with his reflection about how the day was hard but "he" got him through it and tomorrow will be easier. "You kidding?" says Mirror Luke. "Tomorrow's gonna be awesome! Because tomorrow, one of them dies." We fade out to the clinking of forks and the show logo.

 

Well, my goodness, that was something, right? Watching it it didn't feel like as much happened as it did recapping, and I must admit the show's doing an impressive job front loading suspects and wackadoos and just general crazy. I hope they get to Joe's escape/elaborate hostage situation/puppetmaster stage soon, though; it's just not the same without Purefoy pretending all this shit makes some kind of sense. Until next week, DINNER FOR BREAKFAST ALL AROUND!

Edited by Snookums
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topanga

topanga

 

God it's been so long I was having trouble remembering who's who.

Same here.

 

Did Claire die last season? (I'm really having memory lapses). I just can't emotionally connect with Ryan's new girlfriend for some reason.

 

And is Ryan an FBI employee again, or is he just consulting?

 

And Luke, he was the more sensitive twin, correct? Mark was the tougher one, and he died, which is why Luke keeps relying on him for advice?

 

And who was the FBI agent who got buried alive? I saw Martinez (?) on the screen and got very confused.

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Snookums

Snookums

Claire didn't die--she gave an impassioned speech to Ryan in the parking lot of the twins' Whipped Cream Manor about how they were each others' pasts and they had to move on blargh blargh blargh. It was  completely ridiculous, since her character arc had, until that moment, been "Kill Joe so we can be together." So she's alive, albeit making no sense at all.

 

Ryan is currently a field agent for the FBI. With his pacemaker, history of insubordination, and pile of bodies in his wake. 

 

Luke was the harder, crazier one of the twins. Mark was the booboo kitty sensitive one who couldn't stand being touched and had a bit of a thing for Emma. He's currently letting Dead Luke boss him around from inside his head and apparently thinks he's in charge of the killer couple and Brooding Waiter, but someone else may be pulling strings without his knowledge. 

 

Mendez, the agent whose nuptials will be referred to as "Red Wedding II" for years to come, was the agent whose ex turned out to be one of Joe's Followers last year. Her ex stabbed her but she recovered and is now married and back at work, putting off her honeymoon until Carroll's execution, which will no doubt go off flawlessly and without any drama and everything will be fine. She unfortunately looks a great deal like:

 

Dark haired agent who got buried alive (Ryan was looking at her photo in the file at the end of the episode). Her name was Debra Parker, according to Wikipedia, and she was a cult expert consulting with the FBI to capture Joe. She got killed at the end of season one.

 

See? Makes total sense!

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DrLar

DrLar

I think it took longer to read Snookums posts than the actual show.. however it made me laugh more than the show itself..

 

I'm almost certain that either Ryan's girlfriend or Max's boyfriend will bite the bullet next... I'm leaning more to Max's because, poor Mike, he's alone and angry, needs some sweet love and he'll be there with his shoulders ready so Max can cry on.

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ByTor

ByTor

Ok, I've officially gone from love-to-hate to just hate, but the "can't dance" line was fantastic! Buh bye crazy show!

Yeah, I'm not so sure I'll be sticking around either.  I don't get cable & have to watch a week behind online, so I think I'll get it to episode 2.  I truly despised Lily and her psycho family (and not in a hate-but-love-to-snark way), and quite honestly I don't know if I can take an entire season of the whack job twin.  I'd actually prefer a season where Joe once again busts out of prison over asshole Mark.

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gymratgrandma

gymratgrandma

I quit watching a bit last season then picked it up towards the end.  IMO it gets boring as hell watching the bad guys stay one step ahead of the fbi and other law enforcement all the time.  Really?  I just can't. The same gory killing also gets old.  I love Love Kevin Bacon but not this show so much.  Give me Justified or the Americans any day.

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