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Snookums

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  1. Snookums

    S03.E22: Chapter Fifty-Seven: Survive the Night

    That's pretty damn far, though. Marc Consuelos, call me anytime.
  2. Snookums

    S03.E22: Chapter Fifty-Seven: Survive the Night

    Funnily enough, I just finished rereading Daphne du Maurier's The Parasites with the same set up in relationships. Charles is related to Betty and Jughead as a half brother because FP is his father and Alice is his mother, but Betty and Jughead are not related. So no incest, just creepy. They made a big, big point of showing mushrooms growing under a glass bell in Edgar and Alice's scene, plus the whole SOQM head nun teaching Penelope "everything she knows" about poisons and tripping balls in general, so I assume that's got something to do with it. As far as I can remember, though, Betty had never visited the Farm or met Edgar at the point where she was having seizures/seeing floating babies, so either that was a more generalized Fizzle Rocks thing of some kind (all the other girls at school had seizures too) or Alice is so devoted to her undercover work she deliberately dosed her.
  3. Snookums

    S03.E22: Chapter Fifty-Seven: Survive the Night

    Ah, okay! I thought she just gut shot him, which would be painful enough. But wow, girl, work those (cough) serial killer genes to your advantage! Any thoughts on Alice being the most committed FBI informant ever? And how she had enough on The Farm to shut this shit down waaaaay before all this last act nuttery? The FBI is as competent as every other adult and institution in Riverdale, I see.
  4. Snookums

    S03.E22: Chapter Fifty-Seven: Survive the Night

    No shit. These quartet can't just go to Fort Lauderdale and do shots. They end up in their scanties burning their clothes and making yet another blood pact. Riverdale gonna Riverdale, I guess. Well, that honestly wrapped up a lot better than I thought it would! Penelope being the brains behind the crazy makes as much sense as anything does on this show, and Nathalie Boltt has certainly proven she can bring it. Shooting Hal the Whiner was the best bit, by far. "You were always a terrible serial killer," HA! But honestly I like Betty's shooting him in the gut and his grunts of "Oh my God that hurts a lot!" the best. Yeah, no duh, genius. Penelope's motivations make sense in her crazyville way: she was treated like absolute crap by her nutter adopted family and so on and so forth, but I can't help but wonder why she turned that hatred outward rather than against her tormentors. I mean, she was totally down with TSOQM and they did the selling in the first place! Admittedly her evil family all seemed to be dead but Nana Rose and her husband/brother and whats his name, that twin of his, but even for Penelope there seemed to be a bit of a reach between "horrible immediate circumstances" and "KILL THE TOWN." How did she recruit all those Gargoyles, by the way? They seemed very down with committing multiple acts of first degree murder for her. Also, what exactly was the connection between her and The Farm? First they veer one way with making it seem like they're totally united in their bizarro schemes--Edgar seemed fine with Chic/GK showing up and waving his stick arms around when needed and there was the whole Fizzle Rocks thing--but now, what? they don't know each other? Did Penelope slip off to Acscend/Skip Town with the rest of the hard core Farmies? The Dreadful H's continue their reign of petty backstabbery, I see. Also glad that the showrunners took my advice and have Mark Consuelos strip off in all his scenes now. WOOF. Ronnie cannot catch a break, parent-wise. Also, Hiram's total obsession with revenge against teenagers, one of whom is HIS DAUGHTER, continues to creep me out. (Speaking of, whatever happened to Hiram's connection with the GK? Did he know the whole scheme or was it just part of his general Petty Roman Emperor plots or what?) Archie had to fight another bear and once again takes a beating that would kill a normal human. Good thing he hopped right in the ring with Mad Dog the next day! At least he and Veronica seem to be back in a good place. Did anybody else have spurts of giggles while Penelope/the game would go on and on about how these guys are best friends? Because they've barely spoken all damn year, show. Ask Kevin The Abandoned And One Kidneyed about that! Plus, does his father have the slightest notion of what the hell he's been doing? I think Ex Sheriff Keller wins Worst Parent, honestly. Nice to see Cheryl back in control and Queen of the World again! Yeah, she's talking to her remarkably well preserved dead brother but cut her some slack! (Seriously, you guys, that body was in the ground for THREE YEARS. I don't know what the funeral director pickled him with but he should be a lot more--um--shriveled.)
  5. I even wonder if any of that was true at all or if they made it up wholesale. I think I'd remember drowning my cat!
  6. Right up there with "while you were in the hospital for a concussion we ran tons of genetic tests on the entire family just for funsies! The doctors were super understanding about the cost and it took fifteen minutes!"
  7. Ugh, yes. I'm sooooo sick of that crap; this show doesn't understand how to fan-pander. Back in the day when Television Without Pity was running, their reviewer for Supernatural used the personality of a dragon named Raoul to review episodes, it was funny and witty. So when the writers made the brothers go to a bar during one show, they named it The Green Dragon. Just a little joke, you had to watch to see it, one and done. Riverdale has used the word endgame three times in the last five episodes! Reggie said it to Ronnie, Josie to Archie and now Mary to Archie, and each time it's like the writers are physically jumping onscreen waving their phones and yelling WE LISTEN TO THE FANS! Meanwhile, they never dig into anything really juicy that they've actually laid groundwork for, such as what is Polly's deal???? Polly was the first citizen of Riverdale to go to The Farm, and that was way way back in Season One, after the whole mystery of Who Killed Jason Blossom? was (apparently) solved. She fled her own house and the Blossom Manse to go there after escaping TSOQM's clutches, and nobody blamed her, but what were she and Jason planning to do? What are they planning now? Is it really Jason or Chic pretending to be him? Is Edgar in on all of this or does he just think he is? Because either way she's actively recruited her mother, is trying to convince Betty she's got serial killer genes that apparently she didn't inherit from her parents* and should totally embrace the murdery side of herself, and HELPED ARRANGE HER SERIAL KILLER FATHER'S ESCAPE in order to--service what end, exactly? But the show hasn't breathed ONE WORD about any of this! They actually have backstory to support it and Polly The Silent being the end boss would be brilliant in that twisted, insane Riverdale way. So dollars to doughnuts nobody involved will say a thing. * Not only are the idea of "psychopath" or "killer" genes junk science that have been thoroughly debunked, YOU CAN'T HAVE GENES YOU DIDN'T INHERIT FROM A PARENT. You can have RECESSIVE genes that don't manifest as physical traits unless there's another recessive gene in the allele, but once again, Riverdale flunks sixth grade science. Gregor Mendel is rolling over in his grave right now.
  8. OH my GOD, now this is the kind of insanity that Riverdale does so very well. First, let's go over how this is the least lucrative version of organ harvesting ever, shall we? While black market organs are definitely a tragic and highly organized thing, this is not the way to procure them. You don't harvest any kind of organ without a recipient, cash in hand, ready to go for the surgery, because organ life outside the body is a matter of a few hours, even on dry ice and being handled by people whose medical knowledge doesn't begin and end at binging House on Netflix. Those pickled specimens sure weren't for transplant, and that bleached out heart sitting on ice cubes wasn't going anywhere but back to tenth grade biology lab. I don't know who's paying Edgar for these bits and pieces but they sure aren't for transplants. Proof is Evelyn. Why the HELL would she be on immunosuppressive drugs and dialysis at the same damn time? If she's out recruiting teens and their plump, luscious innards wouldn't she, at the very least, demand a working specimen of her own? Preferably one not harvested at the "Sterile Conditions Are For Pussies" excuse for an OR? I'm not even going to go into the whole "I'm walking around mere days after being sawed in half" thing with Kevin and Fangs, both of whom were probably so thankful to actually have screen time they bit their lips and powered through their scenes manfully and with grace. The best part of this whole brouhaha was Jug and Betty's competition over who's got the weirder story to tell, and you've got to admit it was pretty neck and neck. Any other day "Jason FAKED HIS OWN DEATH" would be the clear winner, but between that and Polly apparently stanning for him and Edgar while being A-okay with telling Betty she's got serial killer genetics (WOW) and everything else...all I've got to say is that if they escape with their lives these two will have enough material to win about six Pulitzers apiece. Moving on to Jug, Ethel, the Lost Boys and the Black Hood--that was an admirably compact chunk of exposition/lining up pieces, I must admit. Ethel actually managed to get across some of the desperation that makes a person cling to an abusive relationship and Jughead continues to do most of the police work, which apparently didn't include calling the cops and telling them that the burned out school bus that should have been seized as evidence currently contains a pissed off serial killer but we can't have everything. I honestly assumed Hiram was planning some elaborate double cross all along with this ludicrous boxing match bullshit, because while he is a gorgeous man and in hella impressive shape, Archie is twenty years younger, in prime physical condition, a foot taller and has the arm reach to end this bout pretty decisively if any real world logic were involved here. But nope, I guess one of Ronnie's schemes had to work out just in terms of numbers, so okay! (I also appreciate the commitment FP shows in locking up people just as they're brought in--must have been pretty cold in that cell for sweaty Hiram in nothing but his trunks.) (Also that nearly murdering a minor in the ring isn't among the charges.) (Also that Mary is apparently old college roommates with people in every power position in the United States.)
  9. Snookums

    S03.E20: Chapter Fifty-Five: Prom Night

    The thing is (oh, Riverdale), this recruiter is talking about not just the Navy but ANNAPOLIS, which is basically the equivalent of Harvard. That's where they train the people who run nuclear subs. If Archie can't qualify for community college he sure as hell isn't getting in the door there--their boxing program is not so hard up that Mary's old college roommate has to recruit a seventeen year old who's basically flunking out and has to have his mom sign his fight permission slips. I wish they'd treat Archie's path to the future a bit better. He's not college material AND THAT IS FINE. Considering the astronomical cost and steadily diminishing returns a college education is offering these days, Archie saying I'm not cut out for this is one of the smartest things he's ever done! But that doesn't mean his only options are things like music and boxing; they're both highly unstable, poorly paid, and in the latter case will most probably have him dealing with traumatic encephalitis by the time he's thirty. Mary is perfectly right to be concerned! What in Heaven's name is wrong with him going to vocational school and taking over Fred's business or the like? He already has experience and that's a steady, high paycheck for an in-demand skill! But this ,of course, is Riverdale.
  10. Snookums

    S03.E20: Chapter Fifty-Five: Prom Night

    I saw it as Betty trying to protect her delusional mother, because no matter how sublimely rotten parents are on this show, their kids keep trying to give them one more chance. Plus, the whole "don't want to endanger my boyfriend and his little sister and his HOW IN GOD'S NAME IS HE STILL SHERIFF dad" thing to consider. Add in her Type A sleuth personality and yep, it makes as much sense as anything else on this show. Plus, she was smart enough to bring a gun to Prom! Ah, Riverdale, where a student bringing a gun to a dance is a good thing. Not that she actually fired it but that wasn't her fault. (Where did she get that piece, by the way?) [Gotta say, though: Alice, if you're gonna be down with serial killers for spouses, Edgar is a grade up--YUM. Can see why Evelyn is still catfishing for him (gross) and everybody else is grooving on him. I've had trouble in general with cult leaders in real life and on TV because they're supposed to be all charismatic and give me your wallet and most of the time I'm all I would not give this guy the time of day, let alone my daughter's college fund, you know? I will say that at least Edgar understands the importance of presentation.] So, has it always been that easy to switch up the entire presentation/decorations/everybody's outfits for Prom? Wouldn't most everybody already have their dresses bought and tuxes rented and such? How did everyone have those movie-ready costumes at their fingertips? Were we supposed to know who the murdered people were? Even for Riverdale everybody seemed to take three dead bodies/two serial killers at large very much in stride! Did they even go home early or did everybody dance and head over to Pops? Was everybody else afraid, speaking of, that Pops was going to tell Ronnie he had cancer or something? I was actually relieved that it was just more Hiram bullshit. Good to see True Cheryl is emerging from the puddinglike grasp of the Farm--yeah, yeah, oneness and everything BUT THIS IS PROM QUEEN. I adore the idea of her just turning on the Farmies because dammit, there's cults and there's dead brothers, but you cheated me out of my crown, assholes. Good to see Archie's mother arrive, bringing a breath of realistic parenting to this craziness (and sad to see her because we know Fred is not coming back from his trip.) What ridiculous version of Sarah Lawrence did she say she went to--Florence or whatever? I love how the show so nakedly advertises sponsor products while flamboyantly bowdlerizing real places and things. And while I agree that college is simply not for Archie, Mary is completely right in pointing out that a seventeen year old choosing this kind of brutal and mainly short lived career with no backup plan is ludicrous.
  11. Snookums

    S03.E19: Chapter Fifty-Four: Fear the Reaper

    Oh, he totally did. I assume the rest of the "plot" will involve finding out Betty set up the "accident," him and Chic The Fake Cooper helping Betty run the Farm out of town so we think Betty's started wearing the wig full time, only for her to turn on Hal at the last minute and get rid of him too. Alice will pretend none of this ever happened and end up passive-aggressive snarling at Penelope over who gets to buy the twins the most over-the-top gifts while Polly drifts around like a ghost with no lines.
  12. Snookums

    S03.E19: Chapter Fifty-Four: Fear the Reaper

    It's making that whole Betty's Dad The Serial Killer look well thought out and perfectly timed. And while we're on the subject, I'm pretty damn sick of this whole Farm bit too. They've made them way too powerful and impregnable, to the point where there doesn't seem to be any way to take them down at all, unless Hal (who isn't dead, please, Riverdale, we were not born yesterday) shows up to team up with Hiram and whoever the hell the GK is to run them out of town. (Also, TOTALLY CALLED the whole Evelyn is Edgar's wife bit, not because I'm so brilliant but because it was really the only way to take this whole debacle, which has zigged and zagged enough to paint a whole herd of zebras and finally just is twirling in exhaustion.) (Also, did anybody else snort with derisive laughter when Edgar said "your best friend Kevin" is here? When did he and Betty last speak, even? When has he even had a LINE in the last five episodes?) (Also, suddenly Penelope cares about the twins again? Or, in total fairness, Jason Junior/Dagwood? Since when?) So I'm not crazy? What a relief. Again, Riverdale exists in pockets of time and space that barely interact on a linear level. I guess that explains why Betty and Jug never even tried calling each other; hard to get through when your cell phones are in different dimensions. What the hell was the entire point of that whole D&D thing besides getting Gladys out of town in the most convoluted way imaginable? Because I don't see what anybody on the Gargoyle King side got out of it but a dead Kurtz, which if frankly okey-dokey with me because that freakazoid was a hardcore lunatic killer that would have had Hal going okay, wait, this kid's messed up. But seriously: the GK didn't do much except, as I said, run his Fizzle Rocks seller off and kill his cook. No charges were pressed, Ricky apparently just took off, Jellybean's fine, Jughead didn't bother taking a swing at the pile of sticks and bones that whoever this is runs around in--WHAT. WAS. THE. POINT? Good for Josie fleeing in one piece! Nice for at least one parent to remember she exists, since Attorney McCoy and Ex Sheriff Keller were less of a presence in this than the Pussycats. Don't they care that Kevin has totally drunk the Kool-Aid? Will they even notice Josie's gone? As for the entire boxing brohaha, I cannot care at all. I mean, no parent in this town seems to think that none of these TEENAGERS never going to school, organizing professional bouts, running off on a national music tour or barely escaping a cult with their skin intact seems at all odd, so it's hard to think any of it matters.
  13. Snookums

    S03:E18: Chapter Fifty-Three: Jawbreaker

    Off to Canada to wrestle another bear!
  14. Snookums

    S03:E18: Chapter Fifty-Three: Jawbreaker

    Oh Betty; it ain't your fault your crazy family raised you in Riverdale. I can see why the Farm is so popular around these parts: it probably feels like Old Home Week to most of the characters. While Betty's last ditch attempt to Dark Betty her mom back to sanity was ridiculous and over the top, as is usual on the show, desperate family members have kidnapped their loved ones out of cults many, many times; the film Holy Smoke shows one fictionalized version of this if you're not doing anything. And of course the infuriating thing about trying to rescue somebody from one of these organizations is that they don't want to be rescued! They truly think they're loved and cared for, and a talented, charismatic leader can oil their way out of just about any argument that "rational" people can pose. Edgar's going to a suspicious amount of trouble to keep Alice around. So far, the only people we've heard of seeing dead loved ones are her and Cheryl. Is there a connection? Cheryl has money, but Alice isn't wealthy, and her new job is courtesy of the Farm. Hmmmm. Betty's fear of being a monster is being expertly manipulated by Edgar, but it's not coming from nowhere. She's severely traumatized and hasn't dealt with the fallout of her father at ALL (even though no one else has brought it up even once so it's not like she's being ostracized) and now every time she shows strength or anger she's starting to worry that it means she's "got darkness in her" or whatever. Unfortunately, that appears to be leading to the ludicrous-even-for-Riverdale idea that Hal wants to come home? Ha ha ha NO. This guy is an admitted SERIAL KILLER. The only place he's going besides his cell should be courtrooms and the gas chamber. However, Penelope apparently is slipping in for conjugal visits, so why not???? Speaking of ludicrous, let's swing by the Sheriff's office, which is run by an ex-felon and his underage son, who apparently do every single lick of police work here, including stakeouts, interviews, and not sending wounded and drug-crazed people to the damn hospital (that, unfortunately, is all too real in many cases) when they're not listening to Doctor Ghoul exposit on the idea that you can bleed to death by having your teeth pulled. Hey, guys? Here's an idea: if you really want to clear Fizzle Rocks out of this town, maybe pull in some actual adult cops? You're going to have your hands full with rescuing your recently remembered daughter/sister. Hey! Josie and Kevin's Dad were in the same building! Maybe next week they can actually interact and he can inquire after his cult-stolen son and invisible new wife! Meanwhile, Archie's story is, as per usual, deeply boring and reliant on the idea that a teenager is running a gym while training other wannabe fighters while merrily skipping school for weeks at a time. (Ugh, though, it hurt to see Luke Perry do his scenes--in a way, he was the kind of ghost Toni and Betty are trying to get Cheryl and Alice to see. He's right there, but he's gone.)
  15. Snookums

    S03.E17: Chapter Fifty-Two: The Raid

    I think her reaction, like most of the others this episode, was along the lines of "careful what you wish for." It's one thing to want a huge life change--even one that anybody with eyes could see NEEDS TO HAPPEN, LIKE, YESTERDAY--and quite another to confront the actual thing as it happens. No matter how many times you rehearse or fantasize about the scenario of Hiram being out of your life, when he actually says the words "there is no family anymore" and his idea of taking care of Hermione is annulling their marriage, negating the entire thing and rendering Veronica illegitimate in the process (SYMBOLISM), well. Who wouldn't be thrown off kilter? Who wouldn't at least think up a wild scheme to "make them come to their senses?" (this is Riverdale, so of course Veronica actually tries to pull it off, but still.) Reality is different for every person, and as sad and twisted as it may be, for her it's home.
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