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  1. Can anybody remember who the current mayor even is? Do they even have one?
  2. I agree! Not everything has to be a plot twist--it's okay to stick to this and make it interesting. I do like the ideas of this being Brett's version, or Jug's double (they're leaning HAAARD on long lost siblings and twins and such this season and Lord knows, this show doesn't really do subtle,) but really, just because we picked up what you've been throwing down doesn't mean you've got to change horses midstream again, writers. As for Hiram, I am as deeply weary of his Battle Against The Teens as everybody else, but now that they are focusing on him and Archie way less and him and Veronica more, at least it's starting to be...less...creepy? is the word, I guess? He's still a villain and Consuelos is having a ball painting in the big broad strokes, but it makes a helluva lot more sense for him to be focusing his hurt fee-fee rages against Ronnie, given their messed up history, than it ever did against Dopey Puppy Archie. Plus, the whole "Everybody's out of prison [again] and by the way you've got a sinister half-sister!" thing is pure soap opera and takes me back to my Days Of Our Lives salad days, when I was unhealthily invested in Steve and Kayla's relationship, so that can't be all bad.
  3. OMG I laughed so so hard. The other best bit was Ronnie emphasizing Governor Dooley's first name, Donald. Well, this one went a fast little trot, didn't it? Nice to see Kevin at least existing outside the Farm crap--he and Betty really have a nice chemistry when the show remembers they know each other. And him calmly telling her that her memories of Caramel doesn't mean she's a killer was quite nice. I'm on record with my fury/weariness about this whole "genes" storyline so I won't get into it again, and if it finally leads us back to Solve A Case Betty I'll forgive a lot. But not everything. OF COURSE Hiram has another daughter (from Miami, where he is not from because his last name was supposedly the kiss of death here in Riverdale!) and she's totally under Be Daddy's Best Daughter spell, gah. Talk about bad genes, although I assume by the end of the season we'll be seeing her switch teams and use her PI skills to help with Jughead's elaborate murder plot. Speaking of shitty genes, I would like to know where Archie inherited his hard head and inability to not do the stupidest thing possible at all times. FP stops by with actual good advice to get to know the store owners? Let's turn that into a threat-filled press conference while being the only sentient being with a brain stem to not grasp that --gasp!--Dodger's behind it all! That same Dodger you've already threatened who hung out at last week's Halloween party threatening kids with guns? Whoda thunk it? Poor Molly Ringwald had to say Tucchi Bag not once, but twice. Is Attorney McCoy not working anymore or something? Where the hell are Kevin's parents, anyway? I really must compliment the actor playing Brett--he has perfected Punchable Face. Everytime I see that smirking entitled mug of his I want to paste him in the chops.
  4. Honestly if you have to be told that massive property destruction is NOT the way to connect with troubled youth you really need a refresher course in, like, life.
  5. I do recall one scene, I think in season two, where FP was trying to get Alice to go to something and she said she couldn't because Hal didn't want to go. He blurts out "than leave him!" realizes what he's said and stutters something about "leave him at home," and it did manage to convey a sense of carrying a torch and the history the characters supposedly had. It was well done. That's the only example of this great love history I can remember, though.
  6. Wrote this over at A/V club and posting it here too: I really loved Ronnie’s plan, especially with the setup of the killer tucking his smokes back in his pocket, so she knows he’s got a lighter or matches, so when she flees she can get the booze ready to dump on him after she cuts the lights! Riverdale is so bizarre in how it minds its Ps and Qs but writes sentences in the manner of a deranged madman’s notebooks. For instance, the only way for these various stories to work is to set up why everybody’s separated and ostensibly why they aren’t being worried about (like Ronnie taking an Uber) but then absolutely ignoring the fact that Archie and Betty would be crazed with worry when V an Jug don’t show up all damn night! You know damn well the pair of them would not be sitting around lecturing preteens and answering prank calls--Archie would end up recruiting Dodger’s gang to head over to Pop’s and Betty would shanghai Jellybean into breaking into Stonewall and Nancy Drewing the shit out of that place.
  7. Well, Cole Sprouse does have a twin and he's an actor as well, I think, so...!
  8. At first I was thinking "Is he hitting on Kevin?" and wound up at "Is he a ghost hitting on Kevin?" Seriously, did he and Stonewall Prep I Had Your Phone But Didn't Know About The Prank Honest guy go to some teaching college run by the Sisters of Quiet Mercy or something? Jug needs to get the hell out of this nuthouse. People there are way too super casual about drugging and nearly smothering kids. (I did like the hookback with Lovecraft and its little shout out to the last Halloween ep with the Cthulu delivery.) Gawd, even for Archie and Vee Archie was a dumbass and Veronica massively entitled this go round. Just volunteer your friend in New York to whip up two custom costumes including boots and accessories with like ten minutes notice, Ronnie, jeez! And while at least Archie remembered police exist, maybe call THE ACTUAL POLICE STATION rather than just leaving messages for Sheriff Jones about the gang with guns threatening a building full of minor children? Of fucking course Charles is a loony tune. Because when has Betty ever had a single nice thing ever? This shit was exhausting the first time with Chic (and I'm not going to get into that serial killer gene bullshit again) and I'm not looking forward to a storyline I thought was blessedly over with getting dragged from the grave (ha.) Once again the propensity for barely acknowledging these people know each other spins into Ludicrous Town with a quickness--Betty barely reacting to Jug never showing up or calling her, telling Jellybean to lock herself in her room and that's it for her for the night, Veronica--quite well, I must admit--fighting off an escaped lunatic without her ever calling Archie at any point to explain why she's going to be late. While I assume some connective tissue was cut for time it made everybody look like they had amnesia. Toni finally got something to do (and those were some damn elaborate costumes for just hanging around the house, but that's Cheryl The Eternally Extra, so okay) but again, they're trying to do something new but there's too much old stuff here. Jason should literally be falling apart at the seams and while I get that Riverdale's a tough town, at this point I would happily join Dodger's gang rather than stay at Thistle House. Cheryl apparently is not only a Blossom but a Venture brother. Movie references I caught: Kill Bill Halloween Have You Checked The Children? The Boy Buried Cache What did I miss?
  9. Yes--that was one of the few times I actually enjoyed this ridiculous-verging-on-upsetting vendetta between these two. The fact is, Ronnie is never going to out-maneuver Hiram in any "big" way--he's simply got too much experience, power and money. It's like trying to fight a gorilla--they just outweigh you by too much and are too strong. So instead you've got to use flea tactics. Burrow under the skin, torture them with itching. The whole "I'm gonna use Grandpa's name" thing was the perfect blend of petty and ruthless. Using the story he told her against him and reviving his old shame while he snarls helplessly from his cell like a dragon with a sore foot? Delightful.
  10. YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE. As for the video, it may be that the tape was made some time ago and never converted to another medium? Who knows with these whackadoos.
  11. Okay, now THAT was worth the extra tickets at the carnival! Could there be a cult not covered by Edgar and his glorious sendoff? We have Manson, The SLA, Heaven's Gate and what the hell, throw in some Evel Kenivel! Ahh, delightful. The only thing they didn't try was hijacking a plane. I agree with SeanC that him not taking off in that thing he ripped off the springs from in front of the Safeway was a truly missed opportunity. Looking forward to Evelyn's trial, though--that should be some unhinged nuttery. (Query; does the FBI need a governor's permission to conduct a raid? I can see where it might be politic but they aren't using National or State Guards, plus these are federal crimes. Also, those other agents were really quite super chill about a teenager being in on the entire operation and defusing a bomb. ) It's a tribute to this show's ability to compartmentalize that I actually forgot about this insanity during the other threads which involved Riverdale's Greatest Hits: 1) Archie having a three second window of maturity while advising Mad Dog, only to of course a) NOT go to Sheriff Jones and b) vigilante it up again. (And again, with nothing but probably permanent damage to his lovely self for his trouble! ) Love the whole Dodger thing--of the Artful Dodgers, I presume. Jughead's pretentious jerk salon cohorts would love all the literary allusions being thrown around. 2) Speaking of, Lovecraft gets another look in with rats in the walls, and FINALLY Toni is clued in that her girlfriend is off the fucking chain and also you should not hire rando "nurses" off the internet. Was Darius supposed to be another reference to something? Otherwise that was pretty random even for Riverdale. Also, how the hell are Nana Rose and the twins even still alive? 3) Mary mentions her, you know, whole entire life and career in Chicago while making what a should be silly but is actually perfectly sound point: Riverdale. Is. A. Shithole. It's the Hellmouth without the charisma. Everything about it is warped and cracked and any attempts to live a normal life there end up on baby rockets to the moon at best! So of course by the end she's totally Team Archie's Latest Boondoggle and screw those clients of hers who were counting on her back in her old life, I guess. 4) And time for the extended remix version of Worst Daddy Daughter Dance Ever as Veronica and Hiram do another pointless turn around the floor and did you know that Hiram is actually a Luna but while that was hell when he was growing up barely twenty years ago EVERY LAST PERSON IN TOWN HAS FORGOTTEN THAT? AGAIN? I don't know if Riverdale gets its drinking water from the River Lethe or what, but truly, if I were the CDC I'd be checking the entire place out. 5) And for the hidden track, everybody takes their shirts off and does a stereotypical sex comedy from the 80s scene but with dudes! Haven't seen that much glistening flesh since Top Gun. I assume they didn't take Kevin's shirt off because they didn't want to show the KIDNEY REMOVAL SCAR KEVIN GO TO THE DAMN DOCTOR.
  12. The best part of Veronica's presser preshow was her having four backup dancers (including Cheryl and Toni) who apparently, what? Agree to learn complicated choreography for fun and a free beer? That teacher couldn't have been more obviously evil if he'd been wearing an I HEART CTHULU tee shirt and Wolfram&Hart beanie. "So, Jug, ready tor our literary salon?" "Sure am!" "Did you bring your fresh, strong beating heart?" "What?" "...er, sorry, got Edgar's notes there. I mean, your sanity and reason, to toss into the void of Elder Gods and their mad geometry, the very glimpse of which will drive you mad?" "What?" "Uh, I mean, a copy of Moby Dick?"
  13. I've read every explanatory thread and still have no idea what was going on. I lasted a while, considering! Also I KNEW DEADPOOL WAS A VILLAIN SO THERE
  14. I'm guessing Jug called attention to Evil Prep School by his story being a finalist and somebody going oh, hey, his grandpa used to be ...one of us.... Because naturally, Riverdale being this small Americana ideal where everybody knows everybody and the entire town throws a parade for Fred, they just forgot the Jones family existed until now.
  15. Seriously; Cheryl's ability to make her absolute lunacy work for her in all ways is one of the show's strongest points. Now, if only they'd realize that Toni isn't a cardboard cutout... So this new principal is the kind of petty dictator who...lets paparazzi swarm his school and kids sneak into the girls locker room to take pictures??? (I was amazed that twit escaped with all his limbs intact.) Plus, Honey seems to be a Hiram Lodge Jr. in that he cheerfully gets involved with pissing contests where his opponent is a teenager. Cheryl and Dead JJ can obviously handle him, but it wasn't a good look in seasons two and three and it's not a good look now, writers. Sheriff Jones once again proves he is the worst law enforcement officer ever by ignoring the beyond copious underage drinking at the party in favor of a noise complaint that was so bogus it should have been found next to the rip off Barbies at Dollar Tree. Now, granted, I get he probably thought it was bullshit and didn't actually want to start a turf war with all these kids' parents, but honestly. Kevin and Betty not just dying rather than deliver the whole "sorry I dragged you by your ankles for a lobotomy" scene with straight faces should earn them both Emmys. Also, Kevin, YOU ARE MISSING A KIDNEY. YOUR PARENTS NEED TO TAKE YOU TO A DOCTOR. Let's see, what else? Jug, you can't tell me you didn't get an off vibe about your new teacher, there--that guy might as well have been wearing an "I Heart Cthulu" tee shirt. Nice riffs on the contrast between public school boredom vs. private school privilege and the fact that neither set of kids seem to care about the material, though. I didn't get Jug's line when he said that the salon participants seemed to have actually read Moby Dick--none of them said a word. (Also nice touch on their fancy hardbacks against Jug's battered paperback.) I was honestly afraid Reggie was going to kill his dad rather than just do a gritty reboot of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, there. When his dad was yelling at him I kept thinking "this kid could really hurt you, dude. Like, you would pee in a bag the rest of your life hurt you. Because you have taught him all the wrong lessons about violence and he is huge."
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