Small Talk: "I'll Take Non-Show Chat For $400, Alex."

[ams1001]

2 hours ago, saber5055 said:

For @ams1001. I hope you are having  a nice day.

Thanks! I am working (from home) but I'm off tomorrow.

[Prevailing Wind]

I remember Ford's WIN - he gave out buttons with WIN on 'em.  He also sent us each $100 to spend. I bought a cuckoo clock and a leather purse. I no longer have either. Do y'all remember when W. sent us money for beating inflation? I bought a guitar with that money. No longer have that, either. Arthritis made me give it up.

[ams1001]

3 hours ago, saber5055 said:

For @ams1001. I hope you are having  a nice day.

 

8 minutes ago, Prevailing Wind said:

I remember Ford's WIN - he gave out buttons with WIN on 'em.  He also sent us each $100 to spend. I bought a cuckoo clock and a leather purse. I no longer have either. Do y'all remember when W. sent us money for beating inflation? I bought a guitar with that money. No longer have that, either. Arthritis made me give it up.

I'm amused that these posts are adjacent because today is my birthday and Ford was president at the time I was born. 🙂  

[saber5055]

1 hour ago, Prevailing Wind said:

I remember Ford's WIN - he gave out buttons with WIN on 'em.  He also sent us each $100 to spend. I bought a cuckoo clock and a leather purse. I no longer have either. Do y'all remember when W. sent us money for beating inflation? I bought a guitar with that money. No longer have that, either. Arthritis made me give it up.

Well, that's a downer since I didn't get either of those. But I suspect someone who used to "get to my mailbox" first and routinely stole/cashed a bunch of other checks I was sent (by poorly forging my signature) reaped those benefits too.

3 hours ago, ams1001 said:

Thanks! I am working (from home) but I'm off tomorrow.

Par-tay! (for one)

[ams1001]

3 hours ago, saber5055 said:

Par-tay! (for one)

I ordered tea from Adagio.com a couple weeks ago, using my 5% birthday coupon, and it came with a surprise birthday tea (in a cute little tin that says "Make a Wish" with a birthday cake). It doesn't actually tell me what flavor it is (ingredients just say "natural flavor" but I think it's their cream flavor) but it has sprinkles in it. 🙂 So I had some of that this morning.

Also I added the birthday hat emoji to my email signature today: 🥳

[peeayebee]

5 hours ago, Prevailing Wind said:

I remember Ford's WIN - he gave out buttons with WIN on 'em.  He also sent us each $100 to spend. I bought a cuckoo clock and a leather purse. I no longer have either. Do y'all remember when W. sent us money for beating inflation? 

After Alex said it, I remembered Whip Inflation Now. He didn't send ME money -- I was just a teenager -- but maybe my parents got some.

[Clanstarling]

10 hours ago, peeayebee said:

After Alex said it, I remembered Whip Inflation Now. He didn't send ME money -- I was just a teenager -- but maybe my parents got some.

I wondered why I hadn't gotten one, as I was a college student when he was president - but I just looked it up and it was in 1974, which was just before I moved out and made my own money. And was just barely eligible for the vote - they'd recently changed the laws, but I wouldn't be able to vote for president until the Carter/Ford election.

[DXD526]

I was also too young at the time to remember those $100 government checks. Though I do still have a WIN button my grandma gave me. 

[ABay]

I remember being aghast when gas went over $1 a gallon.

[saber5055]

3 hours ago, Clanstarling said:

I wondered why I hadn't gotten one, as I was a college student when he was president - but I just looked it up and it was in 1974, which was just before I moved out and made my own money.

I was working full time (for the federal government!) and saving for college since I had to put myself through. I didn't get a WIN check. In fact, I'd never heard of it until reading here. I was still living at home so I'm telling myself that's why I didn't get one. If my mom got one, she never mentioned it.

42 minutes ago, ABay said:

I remember being aghast when gas went over $1 a gallon.

I remember gas wars. I kept track of gas prices and mileage in my first car, and remember 49-cent gas, maybe even lower. Gas wars were a big deal back then, lots of fun for car owners.

[chessiegal]

I remember my mom being outraged that gas went to 29 cents a gallon.

[saber5055]

1 hour ago, chessiegal said:

I remember my mom being outraged that gas went to 29 cents a gallon.

My first job (besides babysitting, car washing and grass cutting) gave me take-home pay of $60. That was so much money, I didn't know what to do with it so told my mom I'd give her half my paycheck. She said no, but said okay to me giving her $10 from each check. The roast-beef-sandwich shop where I worked (not Arby's!) gave us 80 cents for lunch. We could get a sandwich and drink, or sandwich and fries for that, but if we wanted all three, we had to chip in 20 cents of our own. We would only do that on special days, or when we were really hungry!

[Prevailing Wind]

During the gas shortage in the mid-70s, I needed gas and it was the day before payday. I only had $3. This was when ALL gas stations were Full-Service. I pulled up to the pump and asked for $3 worth of unleaded. The guy chuckled and asked, "Is that to-go or will you use it all here?"  I came back the next day after I cashed my paycheck & filled up the tank. Yay, me!

 

[saber5055]

34 minutes ago, Prevailing Wind said:

This was when ALL gas stations were Full-Service.

Ugh, that brought back memories of the full-service gas-station guy resting his "junk" on my car door (the window was down), right next to my face, as he leaned over to wash the windshield. Never went back to that station.

[saber5055]

The Sunday Funnies. Volume 2.

How many weight lifters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to screw in the bulb and three to stand around saying, “You’re getting huge, dude.”

How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six. You got a problem with that?

Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? He knew he’d have to convert.

Psychic hotline costs $5. The lady who answered the phone said “Can I get your name?” What a rip off.

I come from a family of magicians. in fact, I have two half sisters.

My friend doesn’t understand cloning. I said that makes two of us.

My wife left me. She said I’m too insecure. No wait! She’s back! She just went to get coffee.

2020 is such a crazy year. People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

One time I exaggerated so much, I died.

Oh, and by the way, the man who invented autocorrect died. May he roast in peas.

[peeayebee]

😄 I'll have to be careful so I don't say "May he roast in peas" at an inappropriate time.

[Prevailing Wind]

Since it's already Thursday on the East Coast, here's my contribution to Jokey Jokey Thursday:

[saber5055]

The Sunday Funnies, Volume 3

What should Mike Pence have done with that fly on his head. Call in a SWAT team.

What do you call a retired fly. A flu.

I went shopping last night for cherries and a new microphone. Bought a bing, bought a boom.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb. Potato.

How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk. Two cans.

I tried Japanese decluttering where you throw out things that don’t bring you joy. So far I’ve thrown out kale, an electric bill and two vacuums.

Where does a belly button go for fast food. That’d be Innie and Outie Burger.

Who is a belly button’s favorite actor. That would be Lint Eastwood.

What is the belly button’s favorite Lint Eastwood movie. The Outtie Law Josie Wales.

What did the thesaurus order at the bakery. The synonym roll.

They had to stop the hockey play off last night, there was a face off in the corner. It was awful.

Why couldn’t the dung beetle go to the party. Because he was on duty.

I started a band called 999 megabytes. We’re good, but we still don’t have a gig.

Someone asked me if I was looking forward to the fall. It took me a minute to realize he was talking about autumn, not civilization.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes. You get fat.

[Mindthinkr]

Saber, where do you come up with these? Please don’t answer. I just want to come here and enjoy them. 
Thanks for the Sunday laughs. 😊

[peeayebee]

Soooo many good ones! My favorite is probably 

17 hours ago, saber5055 said:

I went shopping last night for cherries and a new microphone. Bought a bing, bought a boom.

Thank you for these. 😄

[saber5055]

18 hours ago, saber5055 said:

What do you call a retired fly. A flu.

I goofed up the spelling on that one. It should be:

What do you call a retired fly. A flew.

Anyway, I think that's the spelling. Jokes I hear don't always come out the best when I write them. Hoping you guys can figure them out anyway.

I'm also not sure if the dung beetle was on duty or on doody. Probably the second one ...

[SoMuchTV]

18 hours ago, saber5055 said:

The Sunday Funnies, Volume 3

 ...

They had to stop the hockey play off last night, there was a face off in the corner. It was awful.

.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes. You get fat.

Okay, I’ll admit I didn’t quite get those two. Or am I overthinking, when I should really just take them at “face” value?

[saber5055]

2 minutes ago, SoMuchTV said:

Okay, I’ll admit I didn’t quite get those two. Or am I overthinking, when I should really just take them at “face” value?

The rule is, jokes should never be explained. Maybe give them a little more time?

I admit I had to do a google search for the photographer who got killed by the giant cheese wheel. I pondered a couple weeks before I finally gave up, while some of you got it instantly.

[SoMuchTV]

5 minutes ago, saber5055 said:

The rule is, jokes should never be explained. Maybe give them a little more time?

I admit I had to do a google search for the photographer who got killed by the giant cheese wheel. I pondered a couple weeks before I finally gave up, while some of you got it instantly.

Haha. Google/Reddit confirms I was indeed overthinking the “pi” joke. I’m going to assume that’s true for the other one as well. 

[Driad]

43 minutes ago, saber5055 said:

What do you call a retired fly. A flew.

People who keep small insect-eating pets sometimes feed them wingless fruit flies. (The flies are bred to be wingless.)  Wingless fruit flies are often called fruit walks.

[saber5055]

The Sunday Funnies, Volume 4

You know why they call them hemorrhoids don’t you? Because asteroids was already taken.

I was in Egypt and saw a couple of mummies kissing. I said “Hey, get a tomb.”

Psychokinesis is the ability to move objects with your mind. Everyone who believes in this power, raise my hand.

Penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my father been here today?" Bartender says, “I don’t know, what’s he look like?’

Dung beetle walks into a bar and says “Is this stool taken?”

Belly button’s playing poker in Las Vegas. What does the dealer ask him? “Are you innie or outie?”

The belly button’s favorite car is the Innie Cooper.

The belly button’s other favorite car is the Outtie. (You might have to say that out loud.)

Three doctors were marooned on a desert island but were never found. They wrote HELP and SOS in the sand, but the search planes never stopped to rescue them, they couldn’t read their handwriting.

I dropped a big tub of Country Crock on my foot, and it still hurts three days later. I can’t believe it’s not better.

Why can’t dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they’re dead.

The clerk at a clothing store said to the psychic, “Try this shirt on.” The psychic said “But it’s too small.” The clerk says “But you didn’t even try it on.” and the psychic says, “Trust me, I’m a medium.”

I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height. They didn’t like my critter sizing.

Where do you take someone injured in a peek-a-boo incident? To the I C U.

[Clanstarling]

16 hours ago, saber5055 said:

The Sunday Funnies, Volume 4

You know why they call them hemorrhoids don’t you? Because asteroids was already taken.

I was in Egypt and saw a couple of mummies kissing. I said “Hey, get a tomb.”

Psychokinesis is the ability to move objects with your mind. Everyone who believes in this power, raise my hand.

Penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my father been here today?" Bartender says, “I don’t know, what’s he look like?’

Dung beetle walks into a bar and says “Is this stool taken?”

Belly button’s playing poker in Las Vegas. What does the dealer ask him? “Are you innie or outie?”

The belly button’s favorite car is the Innie Cooper.

The belly button’s other favorite car is the Outtie. (You might have to say that out loud.)

Three doctors were marooned on a desert island but were never found. They wrote HELP and SOS in the sand, but the search planes never stopped to rescue them, they couldn’t read their handwriting.

I dropped a big tub of Country Crock on my foot, and it still hurts three days later. I can’t believe it’s not better.

Why can’t dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they’re dead.

The clerk at a clothing store said to the psychic, “Try this shirt on.” The psychic said “But it’s too small.” The clerk says “But you didn’t even try it on.” and the psychic says, “Trust me, I’m a medium.”

I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height. They didn’t like my critter sizing.

Where do you take someone injured in a peek-a-boo incident? To the I C U.

What does it say about me that the ones that made me laugh out loud were the poo related jokes? LOL

[saber5055]

3 hours ago, Clanstarling said:

What does it say about me that the ones that made me laugh out loud were the poo related jokes? LOL

Stay tuned for next Sunday. Dung beetle will make a return, just for you!

[peeayebee]

Saber, I like when you do your doody.

[Driad]

A scarab is a type of dung beetle. My Roomba's name is Scarab because it looks like a large bug and cleans the floor.

[saber5055]

No doody on @Driad's floor! I imagine your Scarab rolling little balls of it across the floor and depositing them in its burrow.

(Yes, I've watched dung beetles work IRL!)

[peeayebee]

In real life? Where?

[saber5055]

14 hours ago, peeayebee said:

In real life? Where?

In Arkansas. I spent every summer on my aunt and uncle's farm in the Ouachita Mountains where they raised Hereford cattle. The dung beetles would make a perfectly round ball of cow poo, about the size of a shooter marble, and roll it (using their back legs) to wherever their burrow/hole/nest was. We would sit and watch them roll the ball, and follow along to see where they were going.

One summer there was a migration of tarantulas, a mass of hundreds of brown hairy legged critters moving down their isolated country lane. We left them alone. I also had my first experience with a dead/not-dead possum in their woods. And I got lots of snake experience there, poisonous and non. Terrapins were also common. The dogs liked to retrieve them (they were pointers/retrievers after all) and bring them to us.

Edited October 20, 2020 by saber5055

[peeayebee]

Cool stories! I was under the mistaken impression that dung beetles lived on other continents.

[Prevailing Wind]

I'm not surprised by the dung beetles in Arkansas, but tarantulas? I would have thought the Ouachita area wouldn't be tropical enough. Live and learn!

 

[Clanstarling]

6 hours ago, Prevailing Wind said:

I'm not surprised by the dung beetles in Arkansas, but tarantulas? I would have thought the Ouachita area wouldn't be tropical enough. Live and learn!

 

I've always associated them with arid areas. Don't know why.

[saber5055]

12 hours ago, Prevailing Wind said:

I would have thought the Ouachita area wouldn't be tropical enough.

Tarantula facts! The Texas brown tarantula is the one found in Arkansas. They live in dry, upland areas like the Arkansas River Valley and the Ozark and Ouachita Mountains. This species is also found in Colorado, Kansas, Missouri, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana and along the Mexican border. They are commonly kept as pets.

Interesting fact: Female tarantulas won't just accept any male. If she doesn't like the one that finds her, she may kill and eat him before he can escape. Heh. Females have been documented to live more than 40 years while males, just one. Maybe because of the mating thing.

[saber5055]

The Sunday Funnies — Volume 5

What’s the deal with eBay. It’s so useless, I tried looking up lighters and all they had was 13 thousand matches.

My boss says he finds it’s highly suspicious I am only sick on week days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

My boss said I should participate in the company’s 401K. I said, “401K? I can’t even do a 5K.”

A couple experimenting in the bedroom needed a safe word. So they picked ‘meatloaf.’ Because they’ll do anything for love, but they won’t do that.

Why shouldn’t you kiss anyone on January 1st? It’s only the first date.

How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelight dinner or just another meal?

I phoned into a radio contest and only had to answer a single math question to win two VIP tickets to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him backstage. The DJ said, “What’s two plus two.” And I said “58.”

I wonder how many vampires have been run over by people who back up only using their mirrors.

I should have known the cemetery sale was a scam. I mean, it was a dead giveaway.

What kind of cars do ghosts drive? A Booick, a Boogatti or a Maliboo.

My wife and I decided we don’t want any kids. We’re going to tell them tonight at dinner.

My wife is kicking me out. She’s fed up with my South American animal puns. I said, “Okay, alpaca my bags.”

And, as promised ...

The dung beetle joined the Navy. When he went on board his ship, the captain assigned him to the poop deck.

Edited October 26, 2020 by saber5055
There is no such car as a Boogattic.

[SoMuchTV]

3 minutes ago, saber5055 said:

My wife and I decided we don’t want any kids. We’re going to tell them tonight at dinner.

That one never fails to crack me up. 

[saber5055]

1 hour ago, SoMuchTV said:

That one never fails to crack me up. 

And the kids love it.

[Prevailing Wind]

I laughed out loud at the vampire one.

[peeayebee]

I laughed out loud at “Okay, alpaca my bags.” I'm still grinning.

 

3 hours ago, saber5055 said:

I phoned into a radio contest and only had to answer a single math question to win two VIP tickets to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him backstage. The DJ said, “What’s two plus two.” And I said “58.”

I've tried, but I don't get it.

[Prevailing Wind]

8 hours ago, peeayebee said:

I laughed out loud at “Okay, alpaca my bags.” I'm still grinning.

 

I've tried, but I don't get it.

The contestant WANTS to lose two VIP tix to Bieber.  The number 58 is irrelevant - it could be any number but 4 for the joke to work.

[Clanstarling]

12 hours ago, saber5055 said:

The Sunday Funnies — Volume 5

A couple experimenting in the bedroom needed a safe word. So they picked ‘meatloaf.’ Because they’ll do anything for love, but they won’t do that.

And, as promised ...

The dung beetle joined the Navy. When he went on board his ship, the captain assigned him to the poop deck.

Loved these two (thanks for the dung beetle - as I expected, I laughed out loud.

I always love a good Meatloaf joke. Well, this may be the first one I ever saw, but I'm guessing I'd love them all.

[saber5055]

The Sunday Funnies — Volume 6

In honor of Halloween, we’re promoting some of the scariest vegetable movies. First on the list is Broccoli Horror Picture Show. Also spooky is Silence of the Yams. And don’t forget House on Haunted Dill and I Know What You Grew Last Summer.

Why is stand-up comedian a good job for a zombie? Because he’s dyin’ up here.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? Into what?

What does an eye doctor hand out for Halloween? Candy corneas.

What kind of glasses does a ghost wear? Spooktacles.

If you take the inside out of a hot dog, what do you have left? A hollow wienie.

What kind of potatoes does Frankenstein like? Monster mashed.

Why is stand-up comedian a good job for a zombie? Because he’s killin’ it up here.

I didn’t turn my clock back last night. The last thing I need is another hour of 2020.

For the pandemic, Sony just came out with a new console ... Plague Station 5.

Last night I fell asleep while reading old magazines. I woke up with back issues.

Man, making a login password is frustrating. I put in “beef stew” and the computer said it wasn’t stroganoff.

What do you call an insignificant pachyderm? Irrelephant.

Cowboy rides into town wearing a paper suit. Paper hat, paper jacket, paper pants, paper chaps, paper boots. Everything he wore was made of paper. The sheriff arrested him, charged him with rustling.

And now more from our little buddy, the dung beetle ...

What’s a dung beetle’s favorite movie? Basic Instink.

What’s a dung beetle’s favorite mushroom? Shiitake.

[PBnJay]

It took me a minute to get the cowboy joke. It's a good one. Thanks for the Monday laughs.

[zoey1996]

Plague station!

I'm not looking at the current games thread until after Saturday.  Our station is showing them all, pushed on day ahead, I'm trying to avoid being spoiled.

On 11/1/2020 at 3:05 PM, saber5055 said:

In honor of Halloween, we’re promoting some of the scariest vegetable movies. First on the list is Broccoli Horror Picture Show. Also spooky is Silence of the Yams. And don’t forget House on Haunted Dill and I Know What You Grew Last Summer.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978 film).

[Mindthinkr]

[illdoc]

An anecdote from our Cardinal---He was on a plane, coming here (to Chicago) and struggling to put a bag into the overhead compartment. A man next to him puts down his own bag and easily puts the Cardinal's bag in the bin. The man then loudly says "Will that get me into Heaven?" The flustered Cardinal says "Not on this flight, I hope!" 

[Prevailing Wind]

8 hours ago, illdoc said:

Um... Saw what you wrote  (___ IS__C NEWT_N) and that can't be correct, since there is an S & an I in what you are showing, but there should be another S & I for Sir) That is, it should read  SI-    IS--C  NEWT-N. But then the contestant wouldn't have said "TOM ISAAC NEWTON". If you did write it correctly (---  IS--C  NEWT-N), then what is the first word? Assuming, of course, that they haven't changed the rules of the game since I saw it last. Or was this the "just guess a puzzle to be able to spin first/get $1000" puzzle (which doesn't follow the rules of the game)?

RE: Wheel of Fortune...  I can't recall what they call those puzzles, but it was the kind where you don't spin the wheel, the letters just pop up randomly, so while there may be two S's in the solution, only one pops up at a time. Vanna touches the first letter to get it started and then stands to the side while the letters display.