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Galavant Quotes: We Agreed *I* Would Say The Cool Things!

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"Evil?" "Cruel?" "Vicious?" "Sadistic?" "A B*tch?"


"..would love your tight brown body" "How dare you!" "I was talking to Sid..."


"Open wide…..like yo mama"


"How did you get on the horse?" "I slept on the horse."


*some of these may be a bit off, they were my scribbled notes during the first watching....

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"I wish you were my cousin so I could marry you."


"I trained in monologues, not poetry."


"Good Lord, Gareth.  Do you kiss my ring with that mouth?"


"I'll be asking the questions around here.  Oh, go ahead, I don't have a question handy."


Jester, being carried off to jail: "Let me change clothes first, these are gang colors!"

Edited by Rick Kitchen
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Madelena: "Gwen, you're having dinner with Smallpox here."

Galavant: "Is that how you see me? As some well-groomed, ruggedly handsome yet oddly delicate-featured plaything?"

That pretty much describes Joshua Sasse.

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King: "I know you're not a hugger, but if you were, I'd wrap myself around you like a leather jacket made of love!"

Gareth: "Xanax?"

Chef: "So much Xanax."


And the gag of "So, 9 o'clock?" --Rule of threes!

Edited by Trini
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Isabella "You should be with someone small and cute and ethnically hard to pin down."

Galavant, on discovering the doors were unlocked "Did none of you check?"

The Jester on Madelena "Not a fan."

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Madalena: Why do I bother talking to poor people?

Madalena: You're not cousins are you? … It doesn't matter. You guys couldn't look anymore weird.

(in song)

Chef: We'll have a dozen kids!

Gwen: And maybe one will live!

(this line is made funnier with the sight gag of eleven empty bassinets)

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King Richard: [Galavant] will be here tonight as the sun has cast its last shadow upon the earth and the crescent moon is risen above the eastern ridge.

Gareth: So, like, nine o'clock?


Madalena: Attention, donkey turds! Where is that pox ridden sack of deformities known as my handmaiden?


Chef: We could do a picnic, something super cas.

Gwen: For the hundredth time, no.

Chef: Your mouth is saying no but I can see your rotting teeth through that smile.


Chef: As soon as the croaks of the frogs usher in the ravens' last call.

Madalena: So, like, nine o'clock?


Isabella: When the barking of the hounds wakens the fairies in the evening so that they may begin their nocturnal dance.

Monk: So, like, nine o'clock?


Sid: Man, this robe is really itching my junk! Oh, you left your clothes on underneath.


Gal: We were going to live in a cottage by the sea. We were going to make love, plant a garden, have children. I was going to sing songs of your beauty.

Madalena: Oh, Gal. That sounds awful. Look around. I live in a castle. And you know what I've learned about myself? I really like stuff. Why would I give all this up to get fat and pregnant and grow my own food?

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There were so many great quotes this week, and Chef had a number of them. Loved this exchange between Madelena and Chef:

Madelena: You're close with the king, aren't you?

Chef: I wouldn't call us close, but we hang, yeah.

I forget the exact wording, but between King Richard and Chef:

Chef: I buy herbs from Xanax.

King Richard: Herbs? For cooking?

Chef: That's right. Cooking.

Edited by SmithW6079
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These were my faves this week:


Galavant: Galavant doesn’t lose a duel.
Isabella’s dad: Ohhh, third-person alert.


Madalena: Stop being dumb, call this off, take the offer to be my shag-hag, Kingley’s down with it.
Galavant: You know, I think I’ll pass.
Madalena: Fine, come along then. [to Isabella] You should come too. Then I can watch you watch him die. Oh look at that! I just made it FUN for me again.


Isabella’s mom: Up here, we want to go left.
Sid: Really? Because Galavant’s map says we go right.
Isabella’s mom: Well my husband and I have lived here forty years? But really, tell me more about YOUR DEAD FRIEND’S HAND-DRAWN MAP!

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Your breath smells like the time I found my uncle's body in the well.

"Bros before hos"

"She never let me walk through her garden.  I never pollinated her flower."

"I've never walked through anyone's garden."

"It's like your brain exploded all over your face."

"Will all the singing kill our Nielsen ratings?"

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Giles A hero doesn't cry, and you are destined to be a great hero, young Galavant.

Galavant: But they hurt my feelings.

Giles: A hero doesn't have feelings. Talking, feelings, all that stuff and nonsense just clouds the mind.


Isabella's father: Your cousin will save us and then you will marry him as planned.

Isabella: I don't want to marry my cousin. I mean, the age difference is so weird. Plus he's my cousin.

Isabella's mother: Straight up, Isabella. Our family tree goes straight up. No branches.


Madalena: I'm here to catch up my brother in law/future husband.

Richard: You know I can hear you, right?


Galavant: But you were married! You didn't insist?

Richard: I'm not an animal! I mean, sure, I'll kidnap a woman and force her to marry me but after that I'm all about a woman's rights. I'm a modern 13th century man.


Gareth: You're self-centered, self-absorbed, and you wear too much velvet.


Gareth: He can't sleep at night if he ain't got a second pillow to hug. Dairy makes him gassy. And if he gets cross, give him some salty snacks. It's good for his electrolytes.

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Galavant: "I'm sorry we didn't speak earlier. Speaking to you is one of my favorite things to do. Perhaps my favorite conversation ever was our four-hour analysis of what Sid's 'thank you' meant."

Sid: "I meant thank you!"

Isabella: "You're passive-agressive."

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Richard: "Uncle Keith! Dad said you went to the Enchanted Forest and never came out."

Uncle Keith: "The other way around, kid."


Uncle Keith: "My destiny is here.... Destiny, this is Richard..."


Chef: "One daughter -- then we leave the rest to the white walkers."

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Richard: Is there a name for when you throw up through your nose?

Galavant: Oh, please, try and keep it together. We're almost there. And it's called snarfing.


Court herald: Hear ye, hear ye, presenting the queen and the guy that was with the queen when she killed the other guy who was crowned the king.


Sid: Awww, Gareth, are you asking me to teach you to read?

Gareth: No, reading's for morons who can't understand pictures.


Jester: This is easiest gig I've ever had. It's all fart noises and poop jokes with this kid. I haven't had to write new material for months.


Richard: I was breastfed until I was nine.


Richard: Can you get cancer from walking? Because I really feel like my feet are getting cancerous.


Sid: You have a nine o'clock review of the troops followed by a noon burning of poets then the leeches and bleeding at five.


Chef: Isabella's amulet, chef speaking.


Gareth: I like meat with extra meat.


Gareth: Beer beer beer beer beer beer beer.

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Richard: This is where I kept my formal crowns, my casual crowns, my just for fun crowns.


Richard: Greetings, lowly ones!


Sid: Do you think that maybe you're feeling, I don't know, a little guilty?

Gareth: What's guilty?

Sid: When you feel bad about what you've done.

Gareth: That's not a thing!


Wormwood: From now on, we'll call it the wedding plan, the evil plot, and the cover scheme. Got it?


Isabella: I'm practicing writing my married name.

Vincenzo: Isn't it exactly the same as your current name?

Isabella: Yeah.


Vincenzo: What are you doing in [the kitchen drawer]? You have a bed to sleep in now.

Gwendolyn: Like I'm going to sleep in the thing people use to give birth and die in, sometimes simultaneously.


Richard: By the way, I know what you were up to last night.

Galavant: Yeah, I guess it was pretty obvious. Because I sang it out loud.

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Richard: His name is Tad Cooper!


Galavant: These aren't dwarves.

Dwarf #1: We are too. Very tall dwarves.

Giant #1: Look at their hideous little bodies.

Galavant: You are the same height. You could literally be brothers.

Richard: Spoken like a true giant. A giant jerkface, that is.


Bobbi: Do you really want to die in a battle this ludicrous?


Wormwood's Evil To Do List:

I. Buy green poison on sale

II. Mind control tiara on Princess Isabella

III. Snub Alan Menken Re: Emmy

IV. Take over kingdom - PENDING

V. Something with spiders

VI. Identify the One True King to Unite Them All

VII. Kill Jon Snow?

VIII. Get cool, evil haircut

IX. Ask Wanda for ETA on centerpieces

X. Rely heavily on Nielsen ratings


Wormwood's Wedding To Do List:

I. Invitations

II. Isabella pumpkin dress

III. NO CHILDREN except the groom

IV. Order gluten free grog

V. Sit knights at round tables, NOT square tables

VI. Princess Jubilee RSVP - PENDING

VII. More red flowers RE: color palette

VIII. ATTRACTIVE waitstaff this time, Barry

IX. Teach Harry how to read his wedding vows

X. Groomsmen's gifts/engrave

XI. Hire a painter who can really get those action shots


Sid: I'm desperate to find [isabella] and her true love Galavant.

Wormwood: What are you talking about? Galavant told her he wished she would die - in a fart, if I remember correctly.

Sid: Galavant never makes fart jokes!


Galavant: That's the day I won the MVK at the St. Julian' Day massacre!


Galavant: You've been following my adventures this whole time. Why didn't you say anything?

Arnold: You know us old school knights - we can really only express ourselves through tapestry.


Madalena: It's a crystal nut bowl.

Gareth: Nah, it'll never fit.

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Thank you SO much for transcribing the Wedding Plan and the Evil Plan lists, Electric Boogaloo! I only caught a few of them, and they're hilarious, though I must say Wormwood isn't my favorite villain.

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III. Snub Alan Menken Re: Emmy

V. Something with spiders

VI. Identify the One True King to Unite Them All

VII. Kill Jon Snow?

X. Rely heavily on Nielsen ratings

Menken definitely should have won an Emmy for his songs.

"Why did it have to be spiders???"

Wormwood knows about the sword!

No-one thinks Jon Snow is dead!

We can hope!



Galavant: That's the day I won the MVK at the St. Julian' Day massacre!

I kind of wished they hadn't spelled it out, and let the viewers figure out that it was Most Valuable Knight (not that it would be hard!).

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Wormwood: Ha, Valencians! Hortensians!


Gareth: There's sparkly fizz in my nethers.


Sid: Could he be mostly dead but not all dead cause mostly dead is slightly alive?

Neo of Sporin: Yeah, that's not a thing.


Bobbi: Where could we possibly find a bearded middle aged man who hasn't been touched by a woman? Spain?


Madalena: Prophecies are never wrong. That's just science.

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Bobbi: Where could we possibly find a bearded middle aged man who hasn't been touched by a woman? Spain?

Had Richard been unwilling, I'd imagine a few of the bar patrons at the Enchanted Forest could have provided.

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Had Richard been unwilling, I'd imagine a few of the bar patrons at the Enchanted Forest could have provided.


Doubtful, as "man who hasn't been touched by a woman" was simply a long way of saying "virgin."   Just because the men in the Enchanted Forest had likely never had sex with a woman doesn't mean that they were automatically virgins.  Gay men still have sex, just not with women.

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