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Quotes, GIFs, JPGs, and more: "There's a binder? Why didn't you lead with that, you idiot?"

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Jake: I have no idea what a chrysalis is, but serious question: if she farts in that thing, does it blow up like a balloon?

Charles: You have to assume that it would.

Jake: You have to, right?

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Jake: I have no idea what a chrysalis is, but serious question: if she farts in that thing, does it blow up like a balloon?

Charles: You have to assume that it would.

Jake: You have to, right?


Art is so intense!!

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Jake: Why do you follow people's directions when you could literally throw them out the window?


The Vulture: Women love planning parties; it's in the Bible.


Terry: Terry loves responsible agricultural practices.


Gina: Jake. Dope alley.

Jake: I know. I think this is where Batman's parents got killed.

Holt: I'll take your word for it.


The Vulture: Look. This is real important to me, alright. My brother's hot wife is going to be there, and I haven't seen her since his funeral. 

Amy: Wow.

The Vulture: Yeah, right? You only get one shot at your brother's widow.

Amy: *gapes at Rosa*

Rosa: Just go.


Jake: His name is James Dylan Borden and he works the night shift at - creep-a-palooza - the mannequin factory at Red Hook.


Holt: Wunch can probably hear us right now. She has super sonar hearing. Because she's a bat.


Jake: Wow. Never thought I'd live to see the day when Holt sided with the Vulture and Wunch. Mark the day, Gina. May 18th at 4pm.

Gina: Oh, honey. We are well into October.

Jake: Really?

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Jake: Wow. Never thought I'd live to see the day when Holt sided with the Vulture and Wunch. Mark the day, Gina. May 18th at 4pm.

Gina: Oh, honey. We are well into October.

Jake: Really?

As someone who is constantly surprised by the date, I feel Jake right there.

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Rosa: Don't worry. I don't want things to be awkward. I'm gonna send him a text while he's sleeping that says, "We're done."

Holt: Clear. Accurate. But. Do you feel like it's enough?

Rosa: "We're done. Good bye."

Holt: Yes. That should do it.

Rosa: You wanted to see me?

Holt: I told Kevin how I approved of your strategy for breaking up with Marcus, and he said that we were quote sociopaths unquote.

Terry: I guess I got through to you.

Jake: Yeah. Also after you fell asleep, Boyle really laid into me. It was brutal.


Boyle, whispering: I gotta say, Jake, this time I think you're only 99% right.

Jake: *gasps*

Edited by bethy
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Jake: I hereby christen thee Snacky Chan.

Rosa: This place smells like a squid farted inside a whale's butt.

Agneta: We also speak Norwegian, Dutch, German, French, Russian, and Finnish. But not Danish.That is a garbage language for garbage people.

Jake: They can eat our dust.
Rosa: Soren is probably allergic to dust.
Soren: Yes, I am allergic to dust.
Agneta: Everyone is. That's what sneezes are.
Rosa: You're what sneezes are.

Amy: [Jupiter] also has 67 moons. I came up with a fun mnemonic device to remember them all. It goes: every individual gets crayons after telling his aggressive little mongoose painter called Ernest some lies about tiny panda heads, period. Maybe one kid could take her elephant into California except-

Neil: Gina, why did you want to take astronomy?
Gina: Because I thought it would be cool, me just sitting around naming moons left and right. Like zorp, bong, dingo, et cetera. That would be one of the names - et cetera.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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"Grow up? I have a Roth IRA! I eat wheat toast! You grow up!"


"There’s nothing scarier than the realities of the municipal court system. Let’s get back in there…and tell him how bad the website is."


"How did you get him to talk? Did you show him the municipal court website, with the pull-down menus you can't click on?"

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Jake: Why is my phone always dead? I paid 13 dollars for it!


Jake: OK. Yeah. So. Hey, this is awesome! You're gonna have a baby!

Boyle: I know! And you're going to be its best friend!

Jake: Ah, well, based on the age diff, maybe more of a fun uncle slash mentor.

Boyle: Baby's. Best! Friend!

Jake: Alright. So. Non-negotiable.

Edited by bethy
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Another one of Holt's perfect basketball analogies


Holt: You're acting like little children playing basketball, who've fallen behind by several 2-pointer buckets, so you just take your basket home, and now no one else can play!

Terry: I know it's not the time, but you gotta basketball if you're gonna try and reference it.

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Boyle: I figured out the best way to welcome Pimento to the 99.
Terry: Stay out of his way, maybe buy him a drink, not do anything weird.
Boyle: I'm making him a goat stew! Now this Turkmenistani dish is traditionally made from an animal that's been so overfed it can no longer stand.
Scully: That's the dream.
Boyle: Everything is authentic. I even ordered the pressure cooker from Turkmenistan.
Santiago: So you're on a terrorist watch list now?
Boyle: Oh, yeah. Homeland Security's been to my house, yup.

Holt: I understand you have some film making experience.
Gina: I've been revined by Rob Kardashian so yeah, I'm a director.

Rosa: I can be dynamic. Exclamation point.
Holt: Diaz and I have that kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's -
Rosa: Sentences.
Holt: Please, don't interrupt me. That kind of nonsense won't happen on camera.

Pimento: Tai chi helps keep the demons at bay.
Jake: Right. Do you have to do it in your underwear?
Pimento: I can't take them off because then you'd be looking right at my penis and testicles.
Jake: Can't argue with that logic.

Diaz: Something's wrong with that guy.
Jake: Why? Just because he keeps threatening to kill me in the middle of a police precinct? Uh, grow up.
Diaz: Because I'm physically attracted to him.
Jake: And that's bad?
Diaz: I'm only attracted to creeps. The Vulture, the Sham Wow guy. When I was a kid, I had a major crush on the evil gremlin.
Jake: Stripe?! Are you crazy?
Diaz: Yeah, well, I'm not gonna bone Gizmo!
Jake: I would.

Amy: What happened? You didn't grovel enough, did you?
Boyle: Seriously, Amy? You're going to ask Charles Boyle if he groveled enough? Come on!

Terry: This is the grossest thing I've ever seen and I have three kids under the age of four. I live in a house of fluids.

Holt: This is idiotic.
Gina: Maybe because you didn't karate chop your way through the smoke as scripted.

Gina: Pizazz is who I am. Would you tell the sky to stop being so blue?
Holt: Yes, I wish it were tan.
Gina: What?
Holt: It's my favorite color. It's no nonsense.

Mean Marge: And you, Santiago. Maybe the world would like to see that draft of a memo you wrote where you used T-H-E-I-R instead of T-H-E-R-E.
Santiago: You sick son of a bitch!
Mean Marge: I know you call me Mean Marge. Do you even know my last name?
Scully: Mopbucket?
Terry: Scully, don't guess!

Pimento: Come on, Jake. You honestly didn't assume I'd hire a lookalike to wear a fake beard and do tai chi in my window?
Jake: No, I definitely didn't assume that.
Pimento: And plus you seriously thought that was me? You've seen me in my underpants. My butt is rock hard. That guy's got a pancake butt!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Boyle: Your friendship is gift enough for me.
Diaz: Friendship is crap. I want a Ducati Monster 821.
Peralta: Alright, Rosa gets a motorcycle.
Santiago: Oh, cool. I want a fast sports car.
Peralta: Come on, you can be honest.
Santiago: I want old expensive books. I'll send you a list.

Peralta: I thought you'd be psyched. I mean, a week a Captain Holt's house. Wasn't that where you wanted to spend your honeymoon?

Santiago: There's a binder? Why didn't you lead with that, you idiot?

Peralta: Oh, no. [Cheddar]'s turning all the turtlenecks into regular necks!

Diaz: You punching holes?
Pimento: Yeah.
Diaz: That's way too much paper.
Pimento: Not for me.

Terry: I can't even get a cup of coffee.

Terry: Alright, Diaz. That's it. What's going on with you two?
Diaz: Oh, you noticed it?
Terry: Yeah, I noticed it. Everyone's noticed it. A convicted pervert asked me if you guys could cool it.

Peralta: Bonjour, Captain. Voulez vous coucher avec moi?
Holt: No, I don't want to sleep with you.
Peralta: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.

Peralta: You two, grab Cheddar's treats and put them in a bowl outside.
Scully: You mean the little sausage ones that need way more salt?

Pimento: You guys go off the grid. I get you guys Mexican passports, totally untraceable. We fake your death in an apartment fire. I'll need three teeth from both of you. Then you guys just disappear. It's easy. I've done it before.

Santiago: The real hero here is the binder. Under Cheddar, subsection walks, subsection walks with Kevin, we found this special spot.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Peralta: Bonjour, Captain. Voulez vous coucher avec moi?

Holt: No, I don't want to sleep with you.

Peralta: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.


This one - and many of those - oh, Amy, don't ever change - made me laugh so hard. In high school one of my friends who was taking French had an exchange student from France and when my friend rattled off that line to demonstrate that Americans were using it without having any idea what it meant, I remember the French girl's eyes got huge. She was so shocked. 

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I know your spirit animal is caterpillar that was stepped on, but mine is the mighty wolf.


What makes it even better for me was Charles agreeing with her -


Gina: I know your spirit animal is a caterpillar that was stepped on - 

Chales: Mmm-hmm

Gina: - but mine is the mighty wolf. 

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Holt: You don't work with Jake Peralta for 3 years without knowing what the Funky Cold Medina is.

Jake: Oh hell yeah! Ask the guy "Why you so fly?"

Holt: He said "Funky Cold Medina."

Jake and Holt: Funky Cold Medina.

Jake: Zero rehearsal.


Bob: I know Figgis, and you're in far more danger than I. He's coming for you, and I guarantee his soldiers find this place.

Rosa: Not gonna happen. I rent it out under a shell corporation.

Jake: Yeah.

Rosa: My mail goes to a PO Box in Queens.

Jake: Yeah.

Rosa: My neighbors think my name is Emily Goldfinch.

Jake: Oh yeah.

Rosa: The people I work with all think my name is Rosa Diaz.

Jake: Yea-- wait what?!

Rosa: Don't worry about it.

Edited by Maximum Taco
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Jake: Maybe they're talking about something super boring like potatoes or beans.
[cut to hospital room]
Holt: White rice, brown rice. Those are just some of the rices I love. Also basmati. That's all of them now.

Bob: I should have known Agent Wheeler was dirty. There were signs. He wore a v-neck once.
Holt: Bob. You did nothing?

Bob: Chocolate is the devil's carob.
Holt: And carob is Satan's raisin. I'll go down to the cafeteria, see if I can scare up some untoasted bread.
Bob: Yum.

Holt: When I die, please give my regards to Kevin.
Bob: What should I tell him?
Holt: Regards.

Terry: Where would Bob have taken Holt?
Jake: I don't know. A library? Or an index card factory? Is there such a thing as an accounting museum?

Amy: We have to get on that plane! Were you stern?
Charles: Amy, you know I wasn't.

Jake: Omigawd, you're going to zipline off of this thing like an American Ninja. That is such a cool escape plan!
Bob: Actually I was going to throw Raymond over the side and make it look like a birdwatching accident.
Jake: Oh, please. Do you think anyone's actually going to-
Holt: It's genius. There's a red tailed hawk roost a block away and I've got a pair of micro-binoculars in my pocket. Like a fool!
Jake: Okay, well, I stand corrected.

Jake: Scully, why are you lying down?
Scully: Because there was a bed here.

Jake: A bunch of sketchy black SUVs just pulled up outside. Either Figgis's guys or Beyonce stubbed her toe.
Gina: Don't even joke about that, Jake. That would be our new number one priority.

Holt: Wow, betraying the FBI is one thing, but sarcasm, Bob? WOW.

Jake: Captain, you're a grownup. Let's just use your lakehouse.
Holt: For the last time, not all grownups have lakehouses.

Jake: Wow, Sarge, you are just stuffed into those scrubs. How do you do it?
Terry: Exercise and diet. It's not that hard.
Jake: Well, it seems pretty hard to me. I don't think I'm going to do that.

Holt: We can sneak out like this, but what about Bob?
Jake: Not to worry. I've got that covered. Hitchcock? And yes, he is bound and gagged under there but more importantly, you said, "What about Bob?" That's the name of a movie. Holt made a pop culture reference!

Flight attendant: Hot towels?
Amy: For the billionth time, no! We don't want your boiled rags!

Terry: His cerebral blood circulation is infarcted! Give me an ICB catheter, stat!
Jake: Wow, that was amazing, sarge.
Terry: I watch a lot of Grey's Anatomy. That show's surprisingly accurate!
Jake: Yeah, the one episode I watched, there was a bomb in the guy's butt.
Terry: Ooh, that's a good one. He's crashing! Push 10 CCs of corticosteroids! Plus prep an ER for surgical decompression! I don't know what any of this means but I feel like Sandra Oh.

Charles: Are you okay?
Amy: Yeah, I'm just so into [27 Dresses]. I'm really worried about Katherine Heigl and her dress making business.
Charles: I'm sorry, dress making business?
Amy: Her architecture firm? Her cupcake bakery? The magazine she edits?
Charles: Jane is an executive assistant to an outdoor lifestyle entrepreneur. You're not even watching!

Charles: We're going to need a box of tissues and some cozy blankets. And one more thing - y'all got sundaes?

Guard: Code silver. I can't let you out.
Bob: Look, you have to help me. I'm an FBI agent.
Gina: I am Serena Williams!
Holt: I'm sorry. They both suffer from grandiose delusional disorder. GDD.
Bob: I've been taken hostage!
Gina: And I'm supposed to be at Wimbledon. It's my serve!
Bob: No, no, no. I am not crazy.
Holt: Yes, he is, deeply. We need to transfer them both to a secure psychiatric facility. Serena here just bit off a doctor's nose.
Gina: It tasted delicious.
Guard: Yeah, you can go.
Bob: No, no, call the FBI!
Gina: No, call Venus!

Jake: Wow, Rosa. This is how you live?
Rosa: What were you expecting?
Jake: I don't know. Rock walls, weapons everywhere, a waterfall for a door. I guess I was just picturing the Bat Cave.
Terry: Why do you need a vase full of lemons?
Rosa: The room needed a pop of color.
Terry: Who are you?

Jake: I think you'd love Florida, Bob. I've never actually been there but Pitbull's videos make it seem muy caliente.

Jake: Oh, Bob. You are S-ed in the B.

Charles: What if something happens to Jake and he never gets to meet my baby? I don't want to hang out with some stupid baby who's never met Jake.

Amy: Excuse me, two more sundaes.
Flight attendant: We've already begun our descent so we've suspended our food services.
Charles: Oh, I'm sorry. Are we still in coach? Or are we in first class where the rules don't apply?

Jake: Word on the street is you like jazz.
Bob: I don't just like jazz. I'm fond of it.
Jake: I don't understand the difference.

Jake: Rosa and I will find another way out.
Holt: I'm sure you will, son.
Jake: You called me son! No takebacks!

Bob: I made millions. I've travelled the world. I've eaten whale.
Holt: I always assumed whale would be too fatty.
Bob: Well, I don't have to assume. I know for a fact it is. It's disgusting. I threw up.

Amy: Sir, I'm going to need you to cut the power to Rosa Diaz in apartment 410.
Super: 410 is Emily Goldfinch.
Amy: Who?
Super: Curly black hair, always smiling, a little chatty for my taste.
Amy: I have so many questions.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Just watched it again, can't get enough of Pimento's work fantasies

"I guess I could be a teacher....

Sorry Travis the answer is obviously Istanbul--

What did you say to me?!

No! Maybe YOU'RE wasting YOUR life!!

Sorry Principal Reynolds I didn't see you there.

Wait, Travis is YOUR son?!

Ha ha, well I guess you're just gonna have to fire me.

FIRED?! ME!?! How dare you sir! We will settle --- see it just wouldn't work."


"Ooo PI huh? I like that...

Hello Mr. Branville, I found out where your wife's been going at night. Have a seat you're not gonna like this. She's cheating on you.

What do you mean you knew that already?

YOU killed her? And are framing ME for the murder?! I just left my prints all over the crime scene! OH you are an evil gen--- This. This I could get on board for."

Edited by Maximum Taco
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Captain Holt: It's the Monte Hall problem. Imagine you're on a game show. There are three doors, behind one of which is a car.

Kevin: You're telling it wrong. There are three doors, behind one of which is a car.

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Rosa: We have to do our stupid jobs, don't we?!

Boyle: Yeah, let me get my stupid gun!


Rosa: NYPD! Get down on the comfortable matted floor!

Boyle: Put your magical hands where we can see them!

Rosa: You're under arrest for ruining something perfect!!

Boyle: (whispering) and money laundering

Rosa: Yes! Money laundering! Whatever!

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