the-grey-lady

I'm watching Juan Pablo's season for the first time, so I'm familiar with Clare when her season starts. I've heard that Juan Pablo was a legendarily shitty lead, and I'm dying to find out if the rumors are true.

If I have to listen to Meri bitch and moan about all the sacrifices she's making for the fambly, and how things aren't great now but she's willing to stick it out because she's so damn dedicated, I'm going to steal her tweezers and pass a law requiring her to use hair conditioner. She does this almost every episode: she whines and complains about how her relationship with Kody "is struggling" (code for "non-existent), but insists that she's willing to make it work and then she...attends every fambly gathering, required or otherwise, lurking in a corner like Gollum, she pouts and stomps her feet when she doesn't get what she wants (even if she hasn't made clear what she wants), and she snarls and scowls and complains about absolutely everything. We get it, Meri. You're a martyr. You're willing to sacrifice your happiness for the fambly. Please. You're freaking miserable, and you're bound and determined to make sure you aren't the only one who feels that way.

One more thing: Can we talk about Darcey's dense, unmoving boobs for a minute? She was running her anger off on a treadmill, but her breasts stayed in the same place. Like, they didn't move one iota. Then, when she was attempting to sit up while weight-lifting, she had to roll over like a stranded turtle.

True story: Mr. Grey does not watch this show with me. The closest he's ever come has involved him walking through the room, shaking his head, and muttering under his breath. I hadn't realized, though, that'd he'd never seen the Silva twins before. He caught a glimpse of Darcey a few minutes ago, and then asked, confusedly, "Is something wrong with her face?" THEN he saw Darcey and Stacey (see above) in all their stretched, shiny, plasticine glory, and he actually yelped out loud in fear.

I think calling those wisps of fabric "bridal gowns" is remarkably generous. I like to talk to the TV during this show. Darcey: You look amazing. Me: And YOU look like the featured exhibit at Madame Trussad's. When Lisa was pontificating about her plans to have total control over Usman's "music career," I chortled and scared my cat. Yoko Ono didn't have the kind of influence over her musician beau that Lisa hopes to have.

Darcey is starting to look like a caricature of a person. Wait. Darcey looks like a caricature of a person.

As a sociological experiment, I just sent Mr. Grey the following text. "You are my ROCK and my KING! I would be lost without you!" He has spent the last 10 minutes gazing at me with a puzzled expression on his face, and he keeps asking me if I'm feeling okay.

If I never have to hear the phrase "you followed your heart" again, it'll be too soon. When did that become the be all/end all of human decision making, anyway?

That convo between Madi and Peter was amazeballs. Madison: I don't judge anyone who has sex before marriage, but I've decided not to. It'd be really weird for me if you slept with someone else a few days before you asked me to become your wife. Peter: THAT'S SO UNREASONABLE. I could totally see you as my wife! Also, these other women, too.

THIS. I ask myself this same question every week when I force myself to sit through this shitshow.

But ever since they moved from there, this show has shown very little of what a functional polygamist family really is like. FTFY

Watching that made me cringe in secondhand embarrassment. I wouldn't want to live with any of the "wives" nor with douchebag Kody, but it's pretty obvious that Queen Meri has had the whole lot of them (save stealth Robyn, who can sometimes manipulate on Meri's level) bowing and scraping at her ever-changing whims. I think Kody's frustration FINALLY boiled over, and it was uncomfortable to watch.

Watching Jessica slur and stumble all over Amber, assuring her much-less-drunk rival that she's soooooo happy for her and Barnett and that she just loooooves Mark was seriously cringeworthy. I had to look away.

"It sounds like a great way to interact with you all...you sending me free shit!"

I've got bad news. I confronted Mr. Grey about his complete abdication of the mating of our souls, and he stared at my blankly and thanked me for picking up brussels sprouts. Oh, woe is me! Whatever shall I do?

I've just had a hideous realization. In the 17 years we've been together, 11 of them married, Mr. Grey has never, not once, told me I'm his soulmate. NOT ONCE. He has never proclaimed our souls intertwined from past lives. He has never declared that we were meant to be from the moments of our births. I'm going to call him at work RIGHT NOW and DEMAND that he proclaim us soulmates brought together by the hands of fate. Wish me luck. (I'm going to need it.)

Um, you can be a father and a felon. Or a husband and a felon. Or a (gag) lover and a felon. They aren't mutually exclusive terms, Kody.

The "wives" don't get the appeal of polygamy for themselves, either.

No place to gather, snork. "Oh noes! Where will this group of people who can barely stand each other gather for canapes and scones?!"

I noticed how irritated he was when they said they might have a long engagement. He wants them to get married NOW NOW NOW because they're so in love so he can generate filming for his declining TV show. He is so freaking transparent.

Can someone GIF Mykenna's face when she didn't get a rose? She bore a remarkable resemblance to a sad clown painting.

I thought that was strange, too. Peter: I don't see you as my wife. Victoria: But I was vulnerable! Me: Um, so?

Meri, Meri, Meri. 3 1/2 years ago, you started hawking cheap, ugly clothes out of your storage room. You did not embark on a vision quest in the deserts of New Mexico or begin a safari across Kenya. You did not begin a fucking journey.

Hot damn, that was painful.

Egads, fellow snarkers. This week's recap is finally ready. Send brownies c/o The Grey Lady. Please.