Uncle Benzene

Chris... dude... WTF with that Hitler do? What are you, some kinda long lost Castor clone?

I (think I) see what you did there. XD

"Connie a.k.a. Lovely™" and her "Glam™" or whatever she calls it, and her constant mugging for the camera and weak-ass trash talk, can GTFO ASAP. Nails down a chalkboard. So insufferably obnoxious. And while I know it's amped up for this particular show, I couldn't stand her on Hell's Kitchen or Food Network Star either. One thing that struck me in this episode that's been mentioned before, but I thought it was particularly egregious in this particular episode with the crab cakes, is the semi-ho aspect of it. I realize they only had 15 minutes for that particular round, which is kind of ridiculous in and of itself. But the home cook's crab cakes were canned crab, prepared cornbread, salt/pepper and an egg. The professional chef's were canned crab (which she called "fresh crab" but it wasn't, it was canned), Ritz™ crackers, salt/pepper and an egg. That's barely even "cooking." The home cook's remoulade was some Kraft™ mayo and a couple spoonfuls of prepared "jerk base" from a jar. To his credit, I suppose he did grill an ear of corn and mix it with some peppers and veg for his garnish. I believe the pro chef just pulled some microgreens right out of the package and put them on the plate. I mean, I can understand and totally accept that due to time constraints some shortcuts are necessary. I wouldn't mind at all if the contestants had pre-chopped veg ready to go from the start, for example. And I get that you're not gonna be able to bake cornbread from scratch in 15 minutes (but again, that goes back to the ridiculously short time limit in the first place.) But come on, put some elbow grease into it at least! People opening up several packages of prepared Walmart™ groceries and mixing them up in a bowl isn't exactly the height of culinary competition, nor is it interesting television. It also occurs to me that the "blind" judging isn't really blind when the home cook picks the dish, and the pro chef so often chooses to do a "spin" that barely even qualifies as the assigned dish. It doesn't always happen that way, but I assume the taste testers know the rules of the game, and know that the home cook chooses the dish. So if the dish is "chicken and waffles" and one of your plates is chicken and waffles, and the other plate is quail and a pancake, you clearly know who cooked what. The dish that more closely resembles the name of the dish is the home cook, and if you'd prefer that the home cook win the money, you know what you have to do.

Oh man, I couldn't agree more about "Why?" Hannibal's standup is outstanding, for my money he's one of the best standups currently going. And Lincoln is fantastic on Broad City. My question is "Why?" is this show so much crappier than it has any business being? I really don't think it's Hannibal himself, or at least I can't yet bring myself to believe that. Shitty writing staff? I dunno, even the format seems like it SHOULD (or at least COULD) work. But it's just so flat. I do have to disagree about the "man on the street" segments. I think they've been the best part of the show so far, though it's sadly a low bar. And don't even get me started on booking musical guests on a 30 minute comedy show, for crying out loud. Every now and then, sure. I guess. But every week? Between that, applause breaks and ads, this show is woefully light on actual material.

I find Norm's critiques a hell of a lot more interesting than Roseanne's incessant "Well... I thought you were just great!"

I credit food tee vee almost exclusively for developing my interest in cooking back in my formative years, and for whatever skills (relatively speaking) I possess now. Both my mom and her mom were really good cooks, and we always ate well. But they were also dyed in the wool country ladies, and there wasn't much in the way of adventure on the menu. Not that there's a damn thing wrong with fried chicken and baked ham and cornbread and butterbeans, etc. But it was a limited menu of down home country crowd-pleasers largely geared toward their meat-and-potatoes husbands, and of course the kids. Later, when mom became a working single mother of two, there was also the matter of an extremely limited budget, not to mention time. (Those days are a big part of the reason that, to this day, I'd prefer cottage cheese in my lasagna rather than ricotta. And why I still hold a special place in my heart and on my tongue for "taco sauce" consisting of nothing but tomato juice spiked with a little white vinegar. I make no apologies! Heh.) Anyway, yeah, the ladies in my life when I was a kid had very specific old-school ideas about appealing to the palates of the menfolk and the rugrats, and also held close to their hearts notions about cooking being "women's work." I do think they both appreciated that I was interested, and they'd humor my questions, but ultimately the conversations always ended with "okay run along now, I'll call you when it's ready." So I never received much instruction at home, nor was there ever really interest in anything "elevated" in any way, or otherwise "fancy." The box was tiny. My first "Ooooooooh!" moment was watching Great Chefs of New Orleans/Chicago/San Francisco with my sister on PBS during the middle of the day when school was out. My tween self was absolutely fascinated by all that. Never missed an episode of Justin Wilson either, but that was mostly because I was amused by the folksy "cajun grandpa" stories and humor and such. Anyway, I guess it never really "took" as anything more than entertainment, simply because the opportunity was never there to bring any of that into my real life. The interest was seeded, but it lay dormant until after college when feeding myself was necessary, and the whole pizza/take-out/microwave train had run its course and was no longer getting the job done. It was finally time to grow up and learn my way around the kitchen. Enter Food Network. And re-enter my mom! For a while there, I just pestered her over the phone regularly to walk me through some of my favorite recipes of hers from my childhood. And that was great, but eventually she turned me on to FN. Perhaps just to get me off her back. Ha! (To this day, there are still things she simply refuses to tell me about some of her recipes. "Figure it out! If you can! If not, guess you're just gonna have to come down for a visit and let me make it for you! Muahahahaha!") Alton has probably taught me more about cooking than anybody else on this particular planet. He always has been and always will be my favorite. Mainly because he didn't just teach me what to do, but why to do it. Why to pick a certain cut of meat for a certain application. Why to use one pan over another. Why employing a certain technique will yield the best result (with mileage varying as always.) I find that approach to be far more useful, because rather than just presenting a recipe to mimic, it imparts skills and knowledge that can be broadly applied to all kinds of kitchen endeavors. Personally, I have benefited in real life from watching Good Eats more than maybe anything else I've ever watched on tee vee. (My mom: "Really??? More than Paula???") It's because of Alton that I can now flip to one of the interminable reruns of DDD and see two minutes of disjointed highlights of some dudebro whipping up a crazy OFF-THE-HOOK dish I've never heard of, and think to myself "Yeah, that sounds pretty good. I'm trying that this weekend. Chicken, shiitakes... got it. I can figure out the rest. My version will probably be better." ETF: typos

Heh. Yeah, that occurred to me right after I replied. I can be a bit slow on the uptake sometimes. :) I think Damaris is pretty representative of FN's idea of "relateable to the (female) audience on a she's-like-me basis, to varying degrees." They probably thought the same of Melissa D'Arabian. The extent to which they were correct, of course, is a matter of opinion. Michelle and Emilia from this season probably had a check mark in that particular box as well. As for the male audience, while I don't *hate* Guy necessarily, I don't exactly relate to him either. And I certainly think they give "us bros" WAY more of him than any of us really need or want. And if I had to guess (and it's really just a guess) I would assume that most of FN's male audience probably skews more toward Alton, Mauro, Flay, Ted Allen -or- (because I consider this to be a whole different type) the Chiarello, Zakarian, Wine Country sort. I don't know, I just can't imagine that the frat boy set makes up a large portion of FN's audience. I think Guy's success stems from his (inexplicably?) broad appeal. Or in other words, I think it's mostly because people who you wouldn't think would like him, for some reason, just do. On a personal note, Mauro would probably be the guy who appeals to this particular male viewer on a "he's like me" basis. He's probably the one who looks most like me, anyway. Wait... no, scratch that, I meant Eddie Jackson! Yeah, that's the ticket! I look just like that guy! Definitely Eddie. Or maybe Luca! Heh.

That's interesting. You might be right, but I've always assumed FN envisions most of their audience looking more along the lines of Rachael, Ina, Paula, Ree and/or Aunt Sandy. (Although I do think it has gotten a whole lot more male since Guy came along, and the concurrent ongoing shift from stand & stir towards travel and game shows.)

Wow. All the standard disclaimers about mileage varying and your being entitled to your opinion and all that stuff, but I had to dig really deep to find a statement I disagree with more strenuously than I do this one. He's every bit as beautiful as she is, and he's also every bit as awesome as she is. Perhaps with just a little less swagger, but I'm not even sure that's true. His is just a little less overt/brash, and that's only sometimes. I would assert that Johnny is the only person on this show that actually is in Dutch's league. And I've got a hunch that her perceived "disinterest" might be because deep down, Dutch herself might feel like she's not in Johnny's league. Girl got baggage. (Just for the record, this is coming from someone who never ever has a single fuck to give about who's fucking whom in any tee vee show ever, hasn't the slightest interest in "ships" and who thinks Johnny and Dutch's relationship is a beautiful thing exactly as it's been written so far. But since this seems to be such a popular subtopic...)

The only thing on my DVR that I can't imagine ever being (intentionally) deleted is the folder containing all 57 episodes of Happy Endings.

And quite often, it's downright disgusting. That's one of the things that never ceases to amaze me about FN. After having it drilled into my head by my parents during my formative years to the point that it's now just reflex/instinct -- "Do NOT talk with your mouth full, ever, and if for some reason you absolutely have to, AT LEAST cover your mouth for crying out loud!" -- seems half the people on FN these days do it on a regular basis. On television. It's one of the reasons my mom refuses to even watch FN.

Mileage varies, as always, but I lived in Baton Rouge for six years. Baton Rouge is country. Jackson, MS is country. Montgomery, AL is country. Little Rock, AR is country. Nashville, TN is country. Columbia, SC is country. Oklahoma City, OK is country. Tallahassee, FL is country. Raleigh, NC is country. People think Jay is country because Jay is pretty doggone country. Relatively speaking. He'd probably be the first to tell you that. "Country" doesn't necessarily = "bad" (though, again, as always, mileage varies.) I don't think cooksdelight was intending to insult "The South" though I've never subscribed to the opinion that Jay is overly loud either. Sunny Anderson is loud. Jay, not so much. Not to me, anyway. But yeah, he's country.

Three words: Amy's. Baking. Company. Heh. I also fully support David's choice. I'd have gone with White Bear, myself. But it sure is hard to argue against The National Anthem.

My two "enough already!" ingredients lately are mint and cilantro. I don't particularly care for either, nor do I find either one particularly offensive. My objection is more on the basis of "Really? On pretty much every freakin' dish these days? Give it a rest already."

I'm one of those people who believe that there's no such thing as a bad onion ring. (Not even Burger King's, which I agree are probably as close as it gets. I'll still eat 'em though.) Tempura, beer batter, dry seasoned flour, doesn't matter. I agree with forumfish that Popeye's used to have just outstanding onion rings. But much like the rest of Popeye's menu, the quality has gone down substantially over the last decade or so (not to mention, onion rings are getting harder and harder to come by at Popeye's lately anyway.) I really enjoy Nathan's Famous onion rings, though the batter can be a bit overwhelmingly heavy. My preference is more of a thin, dry flour breading. I'm not sure how many people are familiar with the Frostop™ chain, but they're probably my favorite fast food rings. Just to reiterate though, there's no such thing as a bad onion ring. I find that local, non-chain type places (especially burger joints and fish/seafood type places) usually have really great rings, and they're always Option A whenever they're on the menu. But to answer the question directly... the BEST onion rings? Homemade, hands down. So easy, SO CHEAP(!!!) and soooooo good. Edited to add: Also, Bloomin' Onion, you say? Yes, mate! Please and thank you! And another for my friend here, because I don't think I'll be sharing.

Great googly moogly! How in the blue hell did I miss this moment the first time around?!? Quote of the week goes to Eddie, while commenting on Jay's stuffing of the quail: "He can barely get his fingers in the butt!" Oh my.

Gonna have to agree wholeheartedly with that! Oh, Aunt Sandy. Don't ever change! Heh. Aside from that, though, if you folks don't mind indulging me in a mini-rant here... Halloween is by far the worst "holiday" ever concocted, and as far as I'm concerned it needs to be abolished asap. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. And my objection (like Halloween itself) has nothing to do with anything religious. I mean, hey, to each one's own, and if you and/or your kids enjoy it, then more power to ya. I guess once upon a time I enjoyed it too, and I understand that some people do enjoy it responsibly. Good for those who do. But if we're being honest, it's absolutely terrible. Kids (half of them probably already borderline obese) gorging on candy. Which they took from strangers (and I know that "razor blades and/or cyanide in the candy" and all that stuff is mostly myth, but still) "Tonight you can go ahead and trust pretty much anybody and eat whatever they give you, but just tonight." is a pretty irresponsible message regardless, even if supervised. And sure, I know that not ALL kids are allowed to gorge, but "Just 5 pieces tonight... and every night for the next couple months, or until it's all gone." isn't much better. Meantime, sure, let's put all these kids on (or near) the streets after dark where traffic is a danger to begin with, let alone on one of the biggest DUI nights of any year. I'm sure it'll be fine though. Oh and let's also look the other way while teens indulge in all matter of mischief, from stealing candy from younger kids to egging houses and other acts of vandalism to who knows what else. It's all just "harmless fun" right? Anyway, sorry for the Get Off My Lawn speechifying. It's just that it boggles my mind that something so pointless, that nothing at all good could come of at best, and is so incredibly destructive at worst, is so staunchly defended and celebrated by mainstream America on grounds of "harmless fun." It's anything but harmless. It's an absolutely disgusting ritual on about 47 levels, and should be done away with. Okay, seriously, I'm gonna go ahead and shut up about all that now. Promise. Anyway, when Eddie put his "blood" on the plate, I immediately commented to my friend that I've seen more than enough culinary reality tee vee competitions to know that that NEVER works out. It could be the tastiest and most clever thing you've ever put on a plate. Doesn't matter. As soon as you point out that there's "blood" on the plate, everybody is turned off and you're done. I totally agree that pumpkin or some other fall squash strategy would have been a much better strategy. Especially a soup. If anything about Halloween deserves to be celebrated, it's the whole fall harvest aspect of it, the break from the summer heat and that glorious first chill in the air, and (my favorite thing) the time to start gearing up/running experiments/practicing/etc. for the BEST of all holidays, Thanksgiving. Eddie's problem was that he allowed "Halloween" to put him into a box. A really terrible box. Arnold: "Valentine's Day" Giada: "I KNEW IT!!!!" Me: "Yeah, me too. And so did everybody else in the world." Jay's boudin-stuffed quail? Yes please. Always and forever. Dom is just inscrutable. Don't we all know a guy like that? The guy who you just can't figure out? The guy who just can't seem to get out of his own way? You love him to death, but at the same time, you can't figure out why sometimes he's a douchebag. He seems so capable and has so much going for him, but for some reason he just never seems to live up to his potential. I can definitely see what his fans see in him. But it couldn't be more obvious to me that he was just never gonna put it all together. He's always gonna trip over his own feet in some way or other. He's the George Costanza of FNS. It was a mercy killing.

Norm AND Jeselnik! Can't wait! Will not miss Russell Peters or JB Smoove at all. I hope Wanda makes some time to be on more this season.

See, I don't know if I buy into producer shenanigans here. In retrospect, it seems like this was inevitably how Michelle's run was going to end. Right from day one in the premiere, it was mama this and mama that from her, including her attempted stern mommy lecture to Matthew which naturally began with "As a mother..." I mean, you could see it right from beginning through to the end. Her heart and mind were back at home right from the jump, and I suspect she regretted her decision to go on this show right from the start. And it didn't help that she was never all that good, again right from day one. I do understand people's dislike and/or lack of respect for her, and hell, I'm not at all sorry to see her go my own self. But on the other hand, I'm a little surprised that she's getting shit on rather than being shown some degree of respect for sticking it out as long as she did, despite (my personal assertion, YMMV and all that) looking back on it, it was never going to end any other way for her. It was just a matter of time until the lure of the mommy called her home. And hey.. her body, her choice. I also don't think she owes/owed anything to the contestants eliminated before her, simply because they clearly "wanted it more" than she did. Beef on the order of elimination all you like, I do too, but that's not her fault. Justified or not, the fact is that she outlasted them "fair" (in a manner of speaking) and square, by the decree of the judges. That she eventually broke and decided she'd rather go home and be mommy has no bearing on other more well-liked contestants having been previously judged inferior up to that point, regardless of who did or didn't "want it more." If there's a beef about her having stayed over others, whether based on merit or commitment, it should be with Bobby, Jahdah, Tusch, Sooz, et al for having made those decisions. Cynically though, while I don't necessarily buy producer choreography or even prodding in this particular instance, I do think that Michelle probably concluded for herself that "stepping aside for my own mommy-based reasons" was preferable from a face-saving standpoint than having viewers dancing in the street and chanting "FI-NAL-LY! FI-NAL-LY!" when they eliminated her, and I absolutely think she saw the writing on the wall. This was her week to go, one way or the other. I don't at all agree with her conclusion that going all "You can't fire me, I quit." with it did her any favors. Especially when she had already cried wolf on quitting once before. But I'd be willing to bet that in her mind, it did, and it was her decision alone. Anyway, good luck with all that, "Mediterranean Mama" (from Armenia.) I'm sure the kids won't be nearly as critical of your skills as the rest of the big bad mean ol' world. You won't be missed. Sheesh, enough about Michelle, Ben! Not nearly worth the effort. Plus, you've got an even more unpopular opinion to share! So... yeah... uh... as much shit as Jay has taken all season long for somehow "reminding (people) of Lenny" because reasons, I'm gonna have to go ahead and assert that at this point, if anybody's going all Lenny 2.0 with it, it's Arnold. Sheesh. "I'd eat your meat and buns *coy wink and grin*" indeed. Enough with that shit, Suzy. We get it. And hey, good for you. But at this point I've got a hunch that you're about 10 seconds from telling us about how if it's gonna be that kind of party, you're gonna stick your dick in the mashed potatoes. And yeah, to be fair, it might have been more about the others' reactions to "an innocent turn of phrase" that just happened to be a gay double-entendre (funny how that seems to happen so often just by chance.) But I don't buy it. And I don't need that kind of shit on Food Network. It's every bit as off-putting as Lenny's weird food/sex fetish, or Jahdah's perpetual begging for some sort of wardrobe malfunction to happen, or even Damaris's constant boob-jiggling shimmy shakes a couple years ago during her season. I'm not saying they're all the same thing, because they're not. But they're all on the spectrum. Bottom line: Keep your sex out of my food tee vee, for crying out loud! It's not cute. It's weird and inappropriate. Anyway, to hell with all that anyway. DOM AND ALEX REPEATEDLY SLAPPING EACH OTHER! Am I right?!? It was like some kind of freakin' New Order video! Can we get a half hour of that every Sunday morning at 8:30 on Food Network? Please?

I had been wondering if/when Kate Micucci was going to pop up on this here show. Glad to see Garfunkel & Oates still collaborating!

Gotta say, even though I probably shouldn't be, I'm surprised to see that the comments are still so mixed, because I was coming here all set to propose that "We" declare this show officially awesome. I'm pretty much loving everything about it, and I have to agree with ottoD that it's improving every week. I've been way more than pleasantly surprised. Still, being that snark is its own reward, I can't resist pointing out... Constance: "Why didn't he kill me???" Dutch: "Maybe he needs you alive." That's some goooood deduction there, Dutch. Heh. Gold robe guy... that wasn't Shawn Ashmore, was it? Because I don't think he was, but I spent just about the entire scene thinking he might have been.

I was just a kid back in the late 70s/early 80s, so I don't really have much concept of the relative cost back then, but what I do remember is that back in those days, Taco Bell was also actually good. Really good. And I don't think it's just one of those McDonald's-esque "it was just good because you were a kid" type things. My dad, who has never been one to suffer bad food at home or otherwise, absolutely loved it. Back then, they weren't around every corner, and the closest one to our house was a good 25 minutes away. We never made any special trips for it, but every time we "went to town" and happened to be in that area, without fail, my dad would insist that we stop in. My parents, my sister and I all just loved it. Never occurred to me that the parents might have been paying more than your average fast food bill for it at the time, but if that's true (and I'm not doubting it) they sure did so enthusiastically. Good times. Good times. My 10 year old self would absolutely destroy two crispy tacos and a cup of "beans & cheese."

I immediately assumed she was referring to Bassam (unbeknownst to Jamal, of course.) No? Edited to add: Oh, wait. Your next sentence seems to indicate that you assume the same. Sorry. Reading comprehension. I suppose that's probably the obvious assumption, and I clearly need another cup of coffee this morning. :)

In Big Daddy's defense though, Bobby probably actually asked him what a "chipoltalay" was. So, you know, technically.... (Heh.) Quote of the week goes to Michelle, responding to Dom's "You didn't let me talk!" hissy fit: "Well I'm sorry that your vocabulary isn't (um...) that excelled... that you can't (um...) make up your own things." Awesome. Just an outstanding retort. I absolutely adore everything about that sentence. This episode would have been a whole lot more amusing (and by that I mean cringeworthy) last year with Lenny, and if the sponsorship deal had been with FarmersOnly dot com instead. (WARNING: Might not wanna think too hard about that though. Just sayin'. Sorry for even bringing it up.)