Catelynn (and Tyler)

[GreatKazu]

1 minute ago, ginger90 said:

I am sure some of the conversations we see are started before the camera rolls, with a producer suggesting the topics to be covered. Quite frankly, I am getting tired of seeing them. It was interesting at first, not so much to me now.

Sure, but producers don't prod or tell the cast members to act like assholes. That is all on them as Heather B. would say.

[mamadrama]

35 minutes ago, bethster said:

Hi, Tyler!  Shouldn't you be caring for your infant daughter?

You suck at life, by the way.

Damn it! I walk away from the net for one hour and things get interesting!

[teapot]

1 hour ago, GreatKazu said:

I am reminded of Tyler telling his dad how he felt when his dad told him or wrote to him how cocaine meant more to him than his son. Tyler was deeply hurt by that ONE comment that was said to him. I can't blame him. 

Do you know, I ain't never even touched the stuff, but I, too, love cocaine more than I love Tyler.

[Katt]

@poopchute I don't think it's the usual thing to cook separate meals for the family at teatime. I do it because I have to watch my weight and the kids and my husband don't have the same problem. My husband would probably eat what I eat but I'd feel bad because he works damn hard and it's terribly unsatisfying. (He has NEVER made a comment about my weight, EVER. He always says, "You look beautiful, Kitten,"  or, "What the fuck are you on about? There's nothing wrong with you! You need to stop that negativity," even when I'm bitching about period bloat. And he doesn't do it only when other people are in earshot.) I always make sure there are veggies on their plates, though. Also, they order in a lot more than I would like, and I, 9 times out of 10, decline to get anything. I never let my husband cook because he has one speed -incinerate in microwave- and I have more flexible hours than he does. I hate cooking but I don't want the kids growing up on processed shit.
Back OT, Tyler looks like CRRRAP. I'd be surprised if he got a clean bill of health if he went for a physical.
AND, STFU, Tyler!

[evilmindatwork]

@Katt, that's totally great that you have the determination and will to do that. I am single but if my husband was constantly eating junk food around me, I think that I'd probably give in and do the same. If Tyler loved Cate and genuinely wanted to succeed, he'd at least join her, while at home, for a few weeks so she can get started with a solid foundation. And, as you  noted, your husband doesn't bitch at you about things he himself is doing. 

[GreatKazu]

I don't think Tyler has to eat a healthy meal every single time with Cate if she were to get herself together in that department. He can sit with her and eat a salad together. Once she is done, she can remove herself from the kitchen while Tyler prepares himself a main course. (ha!) If he orders in something, he can put it aside, out of view from Cate. It wouldn't kill him to eat healthy with Cate for at least two days a week.

When I was losing weight, I bought and prepared food so the whole house was eating the same way. Then, we would have a cheat day where we would order in pizza or go out to eat. My husband was a huge support. Still is in many ways. I go to the gym which helps me to maintain my weight. There were times when my spouse wanted to eat something that wasn't on my healthy plan. I didn't begrudge him or berate him. He would just eat it out of my view. At the same time, it was up to me to learn to be able to be around other foods and not feel tempted. We'd go to friends' or families' homes for birthdays, barbecues or some get-together. I stuck with my diet, but I also ate a bit of something else. I just didn't eat like I was at an all-you-can-eat-buffet.

At the very least, if these two won't change their eating habits, they should at least be active. And I don't mean lifting a bong to their mouths.

[Tatum]

You know, it's not like eating unhealthy food every meal is only bad if you are overweight. Just because Tyler doesn't have the same weight gain as Cate doesn't mean it's a fabulous idea to just eat crap all the time. They have a child now and should be setting a good example, as well as providing healthy options for Nova. Somehow I doubt Tyler is whipping up an organic, balanced meal for Nova then eating nachos himself.

[ginger90]

I think Nova grazes. There's always packs of crackers and crap around.

[ginger90]

And, it's the edit people: 

https://mobile.twitter.com/TylerBaltierra/status/784110579770286080?p=v

[evilmindatwork]

Tyler's face is so puffy. He looks so bad, I don't understand where he gets off criticizing Cate's eating habits. 

[ghoulina]

Huh? What is he talking about in that tweet? I don't recall Cate crying in this episode. Which scene is he referring to?

[poopchute]

1 hour ago, ginger90 said:

I can't get out of the box!!

oh wait now I'm out

anyway, what is he talking about? I watched the clip and we see his face and mouth for 90% of the dialogue.  So maybe they spliced in one sentence (that he obviously said to someone, at some point, unless he is arguing that they digitally altered his voice) but the rest of the stuff he definitely said to her.  

 

Also, I feel like someone on this show claimed to be bored before and we all laughed and laughed.  What adult is bored???! What is preventing her from doing something, anything?  She's lucky that she doesn't have to work so she should be the last person on earth who is bored.  All the time in the world to do fun things. 

57 minutes ago, ghoulina said:

Huh? What is he talking about in that tweet? I don't recall Cate crying in this episode. Which scene is he referring to?

If you click on the tweet under his tweet you will see a clip from the next episode.  I guess he is responding to that tweet.

[ginger90]

58 minutes ago, ghoulina said:

Huh? What is he talking about in that tweet? I don't recall Cate crying in this episode. Which scene is he referring to?

Apparently it is referring to a clip of the next episode.

[ghoulina]

Thanks, guys. I don't use Twitter, so I didn't realize I could click to find out more. 

Suuuure, it's editing. Look, I have no doubt MTV can and does sometimes edit things funky. But they're not putting words IN his mouth. He still says incredibly callous, unhelpful things. So fuck off Tyler. 

[poopchute]

They probably edited in the sentence about going through life like a log (whatever that means). But he must have said that to someone at some point. Probably his dumb mom.  And they had the rest of the conversation and it seemed like she was upset about the whole thing.

[ginger90]

Tyler explains it as, if you don't see him say the words, they are edited in from a different conversation. If that's the case, MTV sucks. Certainly they don't need to do that, sucky things get said and we see the lips saying them!

Just like this, they aren't holding the bottles, so, they can say it's just an artistic shot, uh huh.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLRwJ-bgSya/

[GreatKazu]

The thing is, they are claiming it is shitty editing, and we can agree the editing monkeys do fuck around. Look at all the shit MTV hasn't aired. MTV didn't air all of Cate and Tyler's dirty laundry until recently. All these years they had the benefit of editing working in their favor. Leah Messer as well. They all have at one time or another.

I just can't with their cry-baby attitude that editing is playing a major part in how they look. If it is that bad Tyler, then leave the damn show! STFU!

[bethster]

Catelynn, if you are reading this:

Yes, living with a mental illness is terribly hard.  You can do it, I know that you can, because I have been doing so for the past 16 years.  There are a lot of people in the world who are mentally ill.  You certainly aren't alone.  And while a mental illness presents many, many challenges, you can still find your way to a happy life.  Believe me.

The "man" you are married to seems to think that mental illness is something you can turn On and Off at will.  This is, frankly, as ignorant as it is dangerous.  One of the most challenging aspects of being mentally ill is how unpredictable it can be.  I know.  Take this year, for example: I was taking my meds regularly, and going to therapy regularly...when all of a sudden, my meds stopped working.  First I went into a mania.  Then I went slamming down into a depression that landed me in the mental hospital.  It sucked.  It sucked so bad.  But unfortunately, that is sometimes how it is.  You need to make sure you understand that, because it's obvious that Tyler doesn't.

YOU CAN LIVE A HAPPY LIFE WHILE DEALING WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS.  You need to take care of yourself.  You need to surround yourself with people who genuinely love you and will accept you just exactly as the wonderful, screwed-up, darling, mentally ill woman that you are.  You need to love yourself and accept yourself enough to view your illness as just simply a part of you: you, wonderful you.  It's an illness, after all.  (Would you hate on yourself if you had cancer?)

You deserve better, honey.  I think you know what I mean.

Take care,

Bethster.

[Pherber]

Thank you for sharing @bethster.  I struggle with mental illness and depression too.  It is brave of you to come out about your disease.  I wish more people understood that it is a disease just as diabetes is a disease.  One doesn't simply "snap out of it" or "get over it."  If only it were that easy.  I'm fortunate that my husband and my father both understand what I go through, and my hospital has an excellent mental health ward.  I'm so happy to read that you also have an excellent support system since that is of the utmost importance. ❤️  

I don't care much for Catelynn's therapist, and I also think she ought to try a different anti-depressant because neither are working for her.  But, then again, I don't know of any anti-depressants one can take whilst still smoking marijuana.  And I don't know how honest she is with her therapist.  

[leighroda]

The thing I always find hilarious is that the word "editing" is never uttered until they are portrayed in a negative light. All the times they edited out their cigarettes, when they got the golden child edit, when they could do no wrong... That's real life... Now it's all editing. 

 

I firmly believe things are edited, I don't doubt that at all. But we are in a day and age where unless you live under a rock you know that's just how reality shows work... So the fact that they have nothing to say when they get the positive edit, but wanna cry about it when it turns negative is lost on me.

[GreatKazu]

When Cate is indulging in some Chinese food or a huge serving of quesadillas with sour cream, and Tyler tells her about her eating all that food, she should blame it on the editing - "This is not a lot of food. It's the editing."

Cate and Tyler, is it the editing when you are both shown lying around on the couch and recliner?

Was it the editors who covered the car cam when you were shown going to Boogietown and getting high while driving?

Was it the editing that made Tyler call you a heifer?

Was it the editing that brought in that pig and chaos ensued?

Is it the editing that shows us Nova eating shit off the carpet and being ignored?

Edited October 8, 2016 by GreatKazu

[Caracoa1]

Catelynn needs to take advantage of the MTV money now and get the help she needs to get healthy both physically and mentally.  If she thinks it's rough now, wait until you have limited funds and have to decide between paying the electric bill or getting your meds....or....working your ass off just to pay your deductible and having to cancel your appointments because you just can't afford it....try seeing if you can go to rehab without insurance or the big bucks to pay your bill.  

[ChristmasJones]

I don't honestly think that Catelyn is that mentally ill. I think her environment (which includes Tyler) is the predominant problem. I think that if she left Tyler, started forming healthy friendships with stable people,  and stopped using drugs, she would be a very different person. She might still need some medication for mood problems and anxiety, but I don't think she is necessarily someone who would need to stay on medication for years and years. She might need it for several years, but if she stayed committed to therapy and learning how to heal from her traumatic childhood, eventually she might be able to get off it.

I also think that Cate being defined as mentally ill has become part of the very dysfunctional relationship between her and Tyler.   I think that is a label that she has allowed to get put on her by Tyler, his mom, and probably other people in their families. It lets everyone else off the hook if the problem is always defined as Cate being mentally ill. It localizes the "problem" as being inside Cate as opposed to there being problems in the relationships in the family. It allows everyone else to keep acting the same way they always have, while putting the blame on Cate. No one else has to look at their own behavior and ask if it is healthy and functional. They get to assume that they are just fine and she is the messed up one.

I hope some day she will be able to realize this.

[CofCinci]

She's a drug addict. Put the bong and crack pipe down and maybe you'll be able to peel yourself of the couch to slice up a banana for your kid. 

[evilmindatwork]

53 minutes ago, ChristmasJones said:

I also think that Cate being defined as mentally ill has become part of the very dysfunctional relationship between her and Tyler.   I think that is a label that she has allowed to get put on her by Tyler, his mom, and probably other people in their families. It lets everyone else off the hook if the problem is always defined as Cate being mentally ill. It localizes the "problem" as being inside Cate as opposed to there being problems in the relationships in the family. It allows everyone else to keep acting the same way they always have, while putting the blame on Cate. No one else has to look at their own behavior and ask if it is healthy and functional. They get to assume that they are just fine and she is the messed up one.

 

Exactly this. I wish I could like it a million times. 

[Chris Knight]

2 hours ago, ChristmasJones said:

I don't honestly think that Catelyn is that mentally ill. I think her environment (which includes Tyler) is the predominant problem. I think that if she left Tyler, started forming healthy friendships with stable people,  and stopped using drugs, she would be a very different person. She might still need some medication for mood problems and anxiety, but I don't think she is necessarily someone who would need to stay on medication for years and years. She might need it for several years, but if she stayed committed to therapy and learning how to heal from her traumatic childhood, eventually she might be able to get off it.

I also think that Cate being defined as mentally ill has become part of the very dysfunctional relationship between her and Tyler.   I think that is a label that she has allowed to get put on her by Tyler, his mom, and probably other people in their families. It lets everyone else off the hook if the problem is always defined as Cate being mentally ill. It localizes the "problem" as being inside Cate as opposed to there being problems in the relationships in the family. It allows everyone else to keep acting the same way they always have, while putting the blame on Cate. No one else has to look at their own behavior and ask if it is healthy and functional. They get to assume that they are just fine and she is the messed up one.

I hope some day she will be able to realize this.

Completely agree. When I think of mental illness, I think of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder . I don't think  Cait has anything like this. I think she comes from a shitty background of drug abuse, poverty, unwanted pregnancy and little or no education. Yes a life like this would be depressing but I don't see how medication would help. What would help is doing something to change these circumstances  like getting off the couch, laying off the drugs, going to school and getting at least part-time work. 

[GreatKazu]

2 hours ago, ChristmasJones said:

I don't honestly think that Catelyn is that mentally ill. I think her environment (which includes Tyler) is the predominant problem. I think that if she left Tyler, started forming healthy friendships with stable people,  and stopped using drugs, she would be a very different person. She might still need some medication for mood problems and anxiety, but I don't think she is necessarily someone who would need to stay on medication for years and years. She might need it for several years, but if she stayed committed to therapy and learning how to heal from her traumatic childhood, eventually she might be able to get off it.

I also think that Cate being defined as mentally ill has become part of the very dysfunctional relationship between her and Tyler.   I think that is a label that she has allowed to get put on her by Tyler, his mom, and probably other people in their families. It lets everyone else off the hook if the problem is always defined as Cate being mentally ill. It localizes the "problem" as being inside Cate as opposed to there being problems in the relationships in the family. It allows everyone else to keep acting the same way they always have, while putting the blame on Cate. No one else has to look at their own behavior and ask if it is healthy and functional. They get to assume that they are just fine and she is the messed up one.

I hope some day she will be able to realize this.

This x100. Your second paragraph is spot on.

Tyler cannot comprehend being told what he says to Cate is not appropriate. Pointing fingers at Cate removes himself of any fault. In the end, Cate cannot force others to see what part they play in the dysfunction and toxicity that exists. It is why I feel it is important she get into real therapy with someone who can help her to understand she is responsible for herself and how she can make better choices. No professional is going to tell her to leave Tyler. That is something that has to come from Cate, but it won't happen as long as she remains co-dependent. Cate doesn't see it as being co-dependent. She calls it "love".

I do believe Cate has issues, but that doesn't negate the fuck-ups around her. They have some major problems. I don't believe Cate is mentally ill as much as she needs to change her environment, her physical well-being, and getting some proper therapy. Her reliance on marijuana and any other drugs she might be ingesting, the drinking, smoking cigarettes, and filling herself up with food, it is a wonder she is able to breathe.  It probably takes so much energy just to do that.  Her overall lifestyle is just unhealthy. If I had to live her life for a week, I would be a crying mess, trying to drag myself out of bed and off the couch simply because her overall existence, physically and mentally, is just not healthy. Her environment is also a toxic one. She has been smoking weed since she was 12 years old. Has she even tried to be live without smoking marijuana and cigarettes just to see how different her life would be? Obviously she wasn't ingesting it at rehab and look how much better she looked and she herself admitted to feeling so much better. My spouse had a bad smoking habit. He quit cigarettes cold turkey after smoking for over 25 years. He said he immediately felt better and had more energy. He began a regimen of walking every single day.  He said he feels better than he did when he was 25 years old. He is the one who encouraged me (not berated me) to lose weight so "we can live together longer."

[poopchute]

Quote

Quote

 

 

Can we talk more about how she says there is "nothing to do around here"?! I can't get over it.  Now I have no idea what kind of entertainment options, like zoos etc exist in their area so I'll just pretend they don't have that there but no matter where you live you can always:

play with your child inside your own home

go on a walk with your child

take your child to a park

take your child to the library

buy a bicycle and go on a bike ride

drive somewhere pretty and enjoy the scenery

read a book

cook a meal

clean your house

go grocery shopping

join a gym

get a job

And probably a million other things.  Who

is bored?!? In my real life I've never known anyone over the age of 18 say they are bored.

[MissMel]

Seriously. If my 15 year old can find "interesting" food recipes on the Internet, C&T surely can. Tasty by Buzzfeed videos are everywhere. They've got all sorts of food videos. Pick a fun one and go shopping. I mean tater tot taco pizzas and Doritos ranch chicken breasts aren't the healthiest options but damn, pick one. Go shopping. Take the baby too. It's at least a step in the right direction.

[GreatKazu]

Quote

Can we talk more about how she says there is "nothing to do around here"?! I can't get over it.

Someone should ask her how she expected her life to be after getting married. Did she expect life to entertain her or for her to be extremely busy? Cate was crying in one episode last season to Tyler and telling him how things change for people after they get married, but for her it didn't. Say what??? What changes is she referring to? Did she except to magically feel better about herself? Did she expect her insecurities about Tyler cheating on her would go away? Cate makes it sound as if marriage was supposed to be this quick fix. Having Nova was also just another quick fix for Catelynn. Tyler himself also mentioned how having Nova has not turned out the way he imagined. He says that several episodes after saying how he and Cate are thinking of having another baby. He flip-flops. He, like Cate, is impulsive. They do things on a whim because it sounds good. He wants kids, she wants pigs. She already has one big pig in her life.

Edited October 9, 2016 by GreatKazu

[Caracoa1]

Just wondering why there is never any mention of Catelynn's younger sister Sarah?  She grew up right alongside Cate but is rarely mentioned 

[MissMel]

I always assumed she meant that things change for "reality" show couples after they get married. Kind of like the vowel renewal curse. I just thought she was saying she was afraid it would be the end of them, as a couple. Which for her, really would seem like a scary thing. Plus, look at her mom. April probably stayed with boyfriends a lot longer than she ever stayed with a husband. Which wouldn't be too long to begin with. 

Add in Tyler's "temper" and the girl was most likely scared of her husband using her head to pound a hole in the bathroom wall. Hell, maybe that's what also happened the night of the pig adventure. Got high with her mom on the way to boogie town, God knows what else she ingested on the way home, the pig woke up the pig, Tyler got pissed just like Cate and the producer seemed to know he would, and here they are. Butch and April 2.0. 

[ginger90]

Wasn't there something about Catelynn and Tyler having custody of Catelynn's sister Sarah?

[Snarky McSnarky]

25 minutes ago, Caracoa1 said:

Just wondering why there is never any mention of Catelynn's younger sister Sarah?  She grew up right alongside Cate but is rarely mentioned 

After Catelyn became her legal guardian in 2013, I found this gem about Tyler, who is always happy to take credit for everything:

Tyler has been keeping fans updated on Twitter, writing, “2 days after taking the responsibility of taking guardianship of my lil sister, she got a job! Me & @CatelynnLowell are beyond proud of her.”

http://screenertv.com/news-features/teen-mom-catelynn-lowell-saved-sister-sarah-haviland-from-drug-addict-through-adoption

[SPLAIN]

Quote

I always assumed she meant that things change for "reality" show couples after they get married. Kind of like the vowel renewal curse.

Catelynn meant she thought things would be better for herself. Her exclamation about things changing was that she thought things would fall into place, having a baby would fill the void and she would overcome whatever was plaguing her.

Upon rewatching the scene where Tyler exclaims Catelynn's problems are hers and his problem are his, I don't think he meant it the way it came out, although it did come off sounding pretty nasty. I think what he meant was, per Catelynn's therapists, he is not to constantly bringing things to her attention such as telling her what it is he thinks she is doing wrong such as her eating too much food or him constantly being on her ass about what he thinks she should be or not be doing.  For example, during the kitchen scene when Catelynn is washing dishes, Tyler brings up to Cate if she has called and made an appointment with her psychiatrist. Catelynn then reminds him he is not supposed to be asking her such questions. He then backs off. Catelynn then says it is ok for him to be concerned, he just needs to lay off pushing and trying to control her. In other words, it is Catelynn's responsibility to follow up with her therapist or psychiatrist. It is on her as a responsible adult and patient to follow through with what she needs to do. She is not a child. If she fails to follow through on her end, she will endure the consequences. You can't force the unwilling to seek help. IMO I think that is what that comment to Kim was what he meant. YMMV.

[geekamonggeeks]

Sarah appeared on "Being Catelynn". I remember that Cate had to give her a talk about using birth control and Sarah was rolling her eyes about going on the Pill because she didn't want to gain weight. At one point, C&T were talking about how tough it was raising a teenager---their words, not mine. And it's like...you're not raising her. Yeah, it's great that they took her in and gave her a place to live, but they weren't raising her. She was already sixteen or seventeen when she moved in. C&T weren't raising anybody. 

[CofCinci]

Where is she now?  Did she get new tits too?

[CofCinci]

Can anyone zoom in and transcribe Tyler's book?

[ghoulina]

Please do. Because I will laugh my ass off if it's just a bunch of typed nonsense. If Tyler actually does write a book, it will be nothing but a bunch of unoriginal, sanctimonious drivel. 

 

As for Catelynn talking about being bored - that's a hallmark of depression. She is looking for something, anything, external to fix her. But she has to go inside herself and fix herself from the bottom up. Tyler can't fix her. Having things to do can't fix her. Depression is not her fault and I have some sympathy for her, but she has to do the work or she won't get better. 

[CofCinci]

When Catelynn cries about being bored, I know I'm not the only one thinking:

[geekamonggeeks]

That electronic typewriter that Tyler has...I think they cost, like, five-hundred dollars. I bet you anything that he doesn't use it as much as he wants us to believe. He probably keeps it in the closet and then brings out to take Instagram pictures and act like he's the next Hemingway. 

The thing about Cate being bored reminds me of a lyric from "Flagpole Sitta". It goes, "Well, if you're bored, then you're boring." And that pretty much sums up both Catelynn and Tyler's lives. They're both so boring. They have all this money, all this time to do whatever it is they want to do, and they're just sitting at home doing nothing. Their lives are so small and minuscule. All of the people in "Teen Mom", with the exception of Farrah, don't do anything. They just move around (but still stay in the same dead-end town), buy electronics and cars they don't need, and just bitch about how bored they are. The world's a lot bigger than your couches, you guys. 

[poopchute]

How many parents would give anything to be able to stay home with their kids?  They are so lucky to not have to work right now (although they should be doing something to plan for the future, but they're not, so whatever).  Most parents would take this opportunity and spend every moment creating happy memories with their family.  DO STUFF!!! They have money and time.  How many people wish they had that??!  I'm on maternity leave now and so sad it is ending.  I am savoring every day.  How amazing would it be to never have to go back to work??! I certainly wouldn't be sitting around my house all day complaining about being bored.

[CofCinci]

28 minutes ago, geekamonggeeks said:

That electronic typewriter that Tyler has...I think they cost, like, five-hundred dollars. I bet you anything that he doesn't use it as much as he wants us to believe. He probably keeps it in the closet and then brings out to take Instagram pictures and act like he's the next Hemingway. 

Oh, that's a real thing? I thought that maybe he purchased typerwritter keypads from Etsy and glued them to his laptop. 

[geekamonggeeks]

Yeah, it's like this electronic typewriter that doesn't have any sort of internet access so you can write without distraction. It also stores your drafts on a Cloud of some sort. Anyway, like I said, I doubt Tyler uses it much. He probably blew his money on it to look like he's so elegant for using a typewriter to compose his crap. 

[Tatum]

13 hours ago, CofCinci said:

Can anyone zoom in and transcribe Tyler's book?

Yes, I actually have some background info on his project.

 

It is a fantasy/sci fi/alternate universe novel that combines greek mythology, Christianity, and modern pop culture. The main character is a combination of God (around the time of creation- creating life in his own likeness), Zeus (all powerful and can rain lightning bolts), and Kanye West (the most important, talented, and deserving individual in the history of all humanity. The page you have screen capped is not an actual page from his to-be-written novel, but a character outline for his main protagonist, a man by the name of Schmyler.

 

From the top of the page:

 

"Schmyler was the wisest and most desirable of all the men in the land. He had a talent for so many things he could not settle on just one. And settling on just one would have been depriving humanity anyways. As a way to allow his talent and wisdom reach as far as possible, instead of focusing on one thing (which would have been unfair and set an impossible bar for the person following his footsteps anyways), he chose to watch others try and fail, and point out why they were failing as a way to educate them. If the individual mistakenly believed he had achieved success, Schmyler would remind them of how much better it could have been if Schmyler had done it. These people were very grateful for his guidance and knowledge and  aspired to be worthy of him. They never were, but they loved Schmyler so much they could not bear to stop trying.

Although Schmyler was desired by all of the land, men and women, he stayed steadfastly true to his long time partner, a simple and fat girl with no ambition named Schmatelynn. Although no one could understand how someone as brilliant and wonderful as Schmyler would choose someone so far removed from his league, Schmyler stayed loyal to her because he knew that without him, Schmatelynn would never find another and Schmyler was much too generous and kind to let that happen. Schmatelynn was always in fear that this wonderful being would leave her, and Schmyler would gently remind her that even though she was fat and boring he hadn't left her yet in ten years because he was such a wonderful man. Schmatelynn was very grateful for this reminder.

Around this time it became harder and harder for normal citizens to procreate. Because Schmyler was a virile man with super sperm and impeccable genetics (a true accident if you knew his parents), he would procreate children and gift them to the most deserving individuals, provided these recipients were appropriately grateful and ceded control of these offspring on the whim of Schmyler. While most people were beyond grateful to be blessed with these perfect children, one or two miscreants forgot their place (it is worth noting these people were chosen by Schmatelynn, in an effort to placate her, not Schmyler. Schmyler had the gift of foresight and saw this coming but chose to let Schmatelynn make her own mistakes that he could remind her of, along with her fat ass and dormant lifestyle, when she felt worried that she was not good enough for him).  At any rate, this practice was forced to stop when the progeny of Schmyler insisted on being raised by Schmyler himself, because although he had chosen the most deserving individuals he could find, no child wanted to be raised by anyone other than Schymler. As Schmyler was too busy to actually raise these children, he was forced to stop this benevolent kindness. Plus, the progeny turned out to be all girls."

 

Coming to Barnes and Noble May 2017!

[geekamonggeeks]

@Tatum, you are my hero. 

[CofCinci]

1 hour ago, Tatum said:

Yes, I actually have some background info on his project.

 

It is a fantasy/sci fi/alternate universe novel that combines greek mythology, Christianity, and modern pop culture. The main character is a combination of God (around the time of creation- creating life in his own likeness), Zeus (all powerful and can rain lightning bolts), and Kanye West (the most important, talented, and deserving individual in the history of all humanity. The page you have screen capped is not an actual page from his to-be-written novel, but a character outline for his main protagonist, a man by the name of Schmyler.

 

From the top of the page:

 

"Schmyler was the wisest and most desirable of all the men in the land. He had a talent for so many things he could not settle on just one. And settling on just one would have been depriving humanity anyways. As a way to allow his talent and wisdom reach as far as possible, instead of focusing on one thing (which would have been unfair and set an impossible bar for the person following his footsteps anyways), he chose to watch others try and fail, and point out why they were failing as a way to educate them. If the individual mistakenly believed he had achieved success, Schmyler would remind them of how much better it could have been if Schmyler had done it. These people were very grateful for his guidance and knowledge and  aspired to be worthy of him. They never were, but they loved Schmyler so much they could not bear to stop trying.

Although Schmyler was desired by all of the land, men and women, he stayed steadfastly true to his long time partner, a simple and fat girl with no ambition named Schmatelynn. Although no one could understand how someone as brilliant and wonderful as Schmyler would choose someone so far removed from his league, Schmyler stayed loyal to her because he knew that without him, Schmatelynn would never find another and Schmyler was much too generous and kind to let that happen. Schmatelynn was always in fear that this wonderful being would leave her, and Schmyler would gently remind her that even though she was fat and boring he hadn't left her yet in ten years because he was such a wonderful man. Schmatelynn was very grateful for this reminder.

Around this time it became harder and harder for normal citizens to procreate. Because Schmyler was a virile man with super sperm and impeccable genetics (a true accident if you knew his parents), he would procreate children and gift them to the most deserving individuals, provided these recipients were appropriately grateful and ceded control of these offspring on the whim of Schmyler. While most people were beyond grateful to be blessed with these perfect children, one or two miscreants forgot their place (it is worth noting these people were chosen by Schmatelynn, in an effort to placate her, not Schmyler. Schmyler had the gift of foresight and saw this coming but chose to let Schmatelynn make her own mistakes that he could remind her of, along with her fat ass and dormant lifestyle, when she felt worried that she was not good enough for him).  At any rate, this practice was forced to stop when the progeny of Schmyler insisted on being raised by Schmyler himself, because although he had chosen the most deserving individuals he could find, no child wanted to be raised by anyone other than Schymler. As Schmyler was too busy to actually raise these children, he was forced to stop this benevolent kindness. Plus, the progeny turned out to be all girls."

 

Coming to Barnes and Noble May 2017!

Pissing myself. I had to skim over it a few times to discern whether or not it was actually the crap he's writing. 

[GreatKazu]

LOL. Tatum you rock!!!

[MyPeopleAreNordic]

5 hours ago, CofCinci said:

When Catelynn cries about being bored, I know I'm not the only one thinking:

Absolutely! Betty Draper is my spirit animal (hence my screen name).

4 hours ago, geekamonggeeks said:

Yeah, it's like this electronic typewriter that doesn't have any sort of internet access so you can write without distraction. It also stores your drafts on a Cloud of some sort. Anyway, like I said, I doubt Tyler uses it much. He probably blew his money on it to look like he's so elegant for using a typewriter to compose his crap. 

What.a.tryhard.

Tatum, your post made my day! 

[ghoulina]

All hail, Tatum!!! That was genius. I would totally read that book.