Relationship Thread: Advice, Venting And Everything Else

[BookWoman56]

1 hour ago, Only Zola said:

I think i will find long term relationships on my "Things to do when I'm 30" bucket list!

It's just as well I don't have  a headboard on my bed - I would feel extremely guilty looking at all of those "notches" running down the bedpost, lol

I've never understood the attitude that a short-term relationship (or a series of them) is supposed to be a source of regret or sorrow by the parties involved, much less the parents. You get into a relationship with someone you find appealing and presumably interesting. After a few months, the appeal and interest fizzle out but you are able to part on good terms. Not the end of the world. Besides, what is the alternative? Yes, I'm going to stay in this relationship with someone who neither appeals to me nor interests me as a romantic partner any longer, just so I can say I'm in a long-term relationship. That makes no sense.  FWIW, as the parent of someone in her early 20s, my attitude is just the opposite of your mother's: This is the age to have short-term relationships, rather than tying yourself down to one person for years and years. That said, one can have short-term relationships at any age. Having stayed in two marriages way the hell longer than I should have, my basic feeling is that you should enjoy relationships while they last but don't use longevity as a performance metric.  Six months of something mostly good is way better than six years of mostly boredom, frustration, and resentment.

Edited July 24, 2017 by BookWoman56

[theredhead77]

@Only Zola If you want to have a series of one night stands be safe and go for it. If you want to date with the purpose of having some sort term flings, be safe and go for it. If you want to date with the intent of having a LTR, be safe and go for it. The person you are is not the person you will become. So the key to a happy life is be safe and go for it.

---

This isn't a vent but more of a follow-up to my follow-up. I have a friend that lives in another state. We have a "long story, convoluted sometimes complicated friendship". We rarely speak on the phone and text only occasionally. He left me a voicemail this afternoon that his new job is sending him to my new area and he was wondering when I was moving because he wants to have dinner or grab a beer if timing works out. Compare/contrast to my other "friend" who can't be bothered to reach out to the correct phone number (or at all) when he is in literally up the street.

[aradia22]

Quote

So quoting myself from the pet thread...my prior relationship advice was you shouldn't get serious about someone unless they had characteristics (and flaw) consistent with the breed of dog you would want to own (based on what I knew about dogs at the time).

For example, if you think a lab is the right dog for you (energetic, pretty happy/smart, loves a crowd, protracted period of puppy brain, prone to enthusiastic play that may involve messes (preferably involve messes)) but your dating someone who is more a chow chow (intelligent, but aloof, strong willed, usually has one person they align themselves with) maybe not a good long run prospective relationship.

What say you good posters?  Any nuggets of truth in my theory?

Late to this but I would say yes and no. On the one hand, yes, because it's just about what kind of energy you want in your life. In both a dog and a S.O. I want someone who is happy to see me when I come home... someone who impresses me with his intelligence... who comforts me when I'm sad... who likes going out but is also OK staying at home and not putting pressure on me to entertain him. But also, no, because to me a dog is more like a child that doesn't grow up. Or at least, that's how my smaller dog breeds have been, especially the one I have now. So then I'm drawn to things like obedience and someone needing me to take care of them and someone I can baby and cuddle. Which is not really what I want in a man. 

[Zola]

10 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

I've never understood the attitude that a short-term relationship (or a series of them) is supposed to be a source of regret or sorrow by the parties involved, much less the parents. You get into a relationship with someone you find appealing and presumably interesting. After a few months, the appeal and interest fizzle out but you are able to part on good terms. Not the end of the world. Besides, what is the alternative? Yes, I'm going to stay in this relationship with someone who neither appeals to me nor interests me as a romantic partner any longer, just so I can say I'm in a long-term relationship. That makes no sense.  FWIW, as the parent of someone in her early 20s, my attitude is just the opposite of your mother's: This is the age to have short-term relationships, rather than tying yourself down to one person for years and years. That said, one can have short-term relationships at any age. Having stayed in two marriages way the hell longer than I should have, my basic feeling is that you should enjoy relationships while they last but don't use longevity as a performance metric.  Six months of something mostly good is way better than six years of mostly boredom, frustration, and resentment.

Personally, I am quite happy with STR of around 2-4 months for precisely the reasons you stated, coupled with the fact I do get a bit bored of the "same old same old" with someone after awhile (or they likewise with me). At present I like to keep things fresh and interesting, because I just don't have the time or inclination to commit to anything long term.

But for whatever reasons my parents, especially my mother, somehow sees my list of STR "conquests" as something to be ashamed of (although I don't know if its her who is ashamed or me). Truth-be-told that I really don't know much about my mother's past glories when she was in her teens, other than she married my dad in 1991 when she was 21. Maybe she's comparing notes of her STRs (if any!) and mine and is shocked in comparison. 

I have no doubt I will have the same conversation/argument in about 4 or 5 months time when I announce my next STR is over. I even quoted Einstein to her on one previous occasion, but it went straight over her head (definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results)

2 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

@Only Zola If you want to have a series of one night stands be safe and go for it. If you want to date with the purpose of having some sort term flings, be safe and go for it. If you want to date with the intent of having a LTR, be safe and go for it. The person you are is not the person you will become. So the key to a happy life is be safe and go for it.

---

This isn't a vent but more of a follow-up to my follow-up. I have a friend that lives in another state. We have a "long story, convoluted sometimes complicated friendship". We rarely speak on the phone and text only occasionally. He left me a voicemail this afternoon that his new job is sending him to my new area and he was wondering when I was moving because he wants to have dinner or grab a beer if timing works out. Compare/contrast to my other "friend" who can't be bothered to reach out to the correct phone number (or at all) when he is in literally up the street.

Thank you. That is exactly how I want to play my life - at least for now

[theredhead77]

@Only Zola 

9 hours ago, Only Zola said:

But for whatever reasons my parents, especially my mother, somehow sees my list of STR "conquests" as something to be ashamed of (although I don't know if its her who is ashamed or me)

Then stop telling your parents everything (and also figure out if you are ashamed of your choices, find out why and decide if it's something to actually be ashamed of or something you think you should be so you are.

Example: getting a bit too toasted at a bar and making out with someone you don't know.

If you're single, nothing to be ashamed of

If you're in a monogamous relationship, something to be ashamed of, maybe

[AgentRXS]

Quote

But for whatever reasons my parents, especially my mother, somehow sees my list of STR "conquests" as something to be ashamed of (although I don't know if its her who is ashamed or me). Truth-be-told that I really don't know much about my mother's past glories when she was in her teens, other than she married my dad in 1991 when she was 21. Maybe she's comparing notes of her STRs (if any!) and mine and is shocked in comparison. 

Everybody has a different view on sex and relationships. Like @theredhead77 said do what feels right to you. If your mom isn't the type to have non-judgemental sex/relationship talk, then just keep that side of your life private from her. My dad and stepmom are the typical right-wing conservative Christian parents. They want to believe both me and my sister are virgins despite the fact that we are both 30-something singles. No way could I have honest relationship talk with them. So not talking about it works for all of us.

Edited July 25, 2017 by AgentRXS

[Zola]

10 hours ago, Only Zola said:

But for whatever reasons my parents, especially my mother, somehow sees my list of STR "conquests" as something to be ashamed of (although I don't know if its her who is ashamed or me).

 

1 hour ago, theredhead77 said:

Then stop telling your parents everything (and also figure out if you are ashamed of your choices, find out why and decide if it's something to actually be ashamed of or something you think you should be so you are.

Example: getting a bit too toasted at a bar and making out with someone you don't know.

If you're single, nothing to be ashamed of

If you're in a monogamous relationship, something to be ashamed of, maybe

 

I think I didn't really explain myself too clearly when I wrote my original post earlier today, with relevance to my quote above. In terms of being "ashamed", I wasn't sure if she herself as a parent was ashamed of my "activities"; or if she felt I should be ashamed of such things!

Personally, I am not ashamed of what I have done, and with the exception of two "couplings" which were definitely ONS due to too much drink; my other relationships were civil and lasting around 3 or 4 months before moving on. 

But I guess you're right - perhaps I shouldn't tell my parents anything! Trouble is, if I don't say anything my mother will start nagging saying that I'm keeping secrets, or not being truthful etc. (There was a great deal of angst, tears, shouting and the slamming of doors on her part, when I told my parents I was lesbian 8 or 9 years ago! I still don't think she's got over that)

[theredhead77]

27 minutes ago, Only Zola said:

But I guess you're right - perhaps I shouldn't tell my parents anything! Trouble is, if I don't say anything my mother will start nagging saying that I'm keeping secrets, or not being truthful etc. (There was a great deal of angst, tears, shouting and the slamming of doors on her part, when I told my parents I was lesbian 8 or 9 years ago! I still don't think she's got over that)

Assuming you are a legal adult in the country of your residence "mom, I love you but my personal life is just that, personal and history has shown you get way to attached to people I'm not sure about. I will tell you when there is something to share" is an acceptable answer. Lather, rinse, repeat. 

[JTMacc99]

Because I'm easily amused:

[Zola]

8 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

Assuming you are a legal adult in the country of your residence "mom, I love you but my personal life is just that, personal and history has shown you get way to attached to people I'm not sure about. I will tell you when there is something to share" is an acceptable answer. Lather, rinse, repeat. 

I will give you an update in 4 or 5 months time, lol

[JTMacc99]

I get together with my college classmates (about 11 of us, fraternity brothers) every spring for more than ten years now. Three springs ago at the dinner table one guy says, "it's amazing that none of us are divorced!"  Awkward silence, especially from me who was separated but not ready to share that information. 

Two springs ago I shared my story as part of JTMacc's big year of hope and change. More than one of them shared with me troubles and difficulties in their homes. I've made sure to check in on them as we go along. I'm good with the humor while also handling as much touchy-feely stuff as they can handle. 

This spring, no news, but one friend who had shared his story with me did not show. He's gone kind of quiet; I think something is up. 

Yesterday I got an announcement email from a different one, who never said anything about his deal, that after 20 years he and his wife are getting divorced. Perhaps unsurprising, but damn! He was already separated when we were boozing it up in May. Just like me, he wasn't ready to share. 

I sent him a note immediately asking when we are getting together. I have opinions and experiences in this world. 

[NutMeg]

The most useful thing I read about relationships is that you can classify them in three types, now here's me paraphrasing because I don't remember the exact wording but the gist of it stayed with me:

- relationships that make you feel better about yourself - these can last from a few hours to two years, rarely more. They make you feel good about yourself, or rediscover a part of you that you had forgotten. I'd call them the fun and/or reconstructive ones;

- relationships with a purpose - these can last for years or even decades, but once the intended purpose has been achieved, they become meaningless. Seeing my longest term relationship from that perspective was strangely liberating in that it helped me stop wondering "why" - it became so obvious that the combination of rupture of harmony in the relationship and achievement of purpose(s) I only just realized was too close to be a coincidence. Stopping fretting about the what ifs and what nots was a great breath of oxygen (nope, there was nothing to been done differently, this wasn't meant to last - hence the unconscious, negative efforts put in to make it fail once the main goal had been reached) ;

- relationships that are for ever. They may be rocky or uneasy at times, but they fix themselves up because both parties are committed to seeing them last. I'd almost call it the Unicorn, but I know it does exist. It's when both member of the couple want to make it last and both will do what it takes to make it last, because they see the relationship as valuable per se, not ego boosting, not as a crunch, just as obviously right. Something like that.

Nothing makes me mushy as much as an old couple looking very much like they love each other.

[Although, I always assumed that they had been together so long that they both saw each other as they looked like when the fell in love, but now I'm wondering: maybe they were tragic lovers and/or young love that just reconnected? or they've just met after decades of loneliness? or they are both on Tinder and on a first date? I wish I didn't wonder about all these possible scenarios, but really, they are likely to be accurate in a non significant percentage of the cases when we see an elderly couple behaving like the world is their oyster.]     

[JTMacc99]

56 minutes ago, NutMeg said:

- relationships that make you feel better about yourself - these can last from a few hours to two years, rarely more. They make you feel good about yourself, or rediscover a part of you that you had forgotten. I'd call them the fun and/or reconstructive ones;

Somewhere in this thread I described that I was once like a flat dollar store sponge, and then I got into a relationship where I got water and suddenly I was full.

Parts of me I had forgotten and hadn't seen any water in a long time. That was definitely fun. I was like one of those people on a game show standing in the glass booth with money blowing around them. Just grabbing as much of it as fast as possible.  And with that visual, you can see why it falls into your description of it lasting from a few hours to no more than a couple years. Eventually there is nothing left to grab.

And for sure it was a fun and reconstructive one. The downside of these is finding the ability, the strength, to let them run their course and build off of them to go find something more long lasting, something truly rewarding.

Edited August 7, 2017 by JTMacc99

[Qoass]

But what if the relationship is like one of those categories for you and like one of the other categories for your partner? I bet that's very common and seldom bodes well.

[JTMacc99]

Indeed. At some point we need to be selfish or protect ourselves. And that's never fun for either side.

[NutMeg]

15 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

Somewhere in this thread I described that I was once like a flat dollar store sponge, and then I got into a relationship where I got water and suddenly I was full.

Parts of me I had forgotten and hadn't seen any water in a long time. That was definitely fun. I was like one of those people on a game show standing in the glass booth with money blowing around them. Just grabbing as much of it as fast as possible.  And with that visual, you can see why it falls into your description of it lasting from a few hours to no more than a couple years. Eventually there is nothing left to grab.

And for sure it was a fun and reconstructive one. The downside of these is finding the ability, the strength, to let them run their course and build off of them to go find something more long lasting, something truly rewarding.

Yep. Had the same experience as yours after a long and draining relationship, made me realize what I had missed and desperately craved (in my case, intellectual and emotional connection, interest in each other's creative endeavours, safe place to be true other than the therapist's), the kinds of relation I needed and had missed without even realising it. It wasn't meant to last but helped me tremendously nonetheless. 

9 minutes ago, Qoass said:

But what if the relationship is like one of those categories for you and like one of the other categories for your partner? I bet that's very common and seldom bodes well.

Indeed, hence the heartaches. I'd think if the two see different versions of pick-me-up and purpose, i.e. limited in time intrinsically, it can work relatively painlessly. The truly hard thing is when one thinks it's forever and does everything towards that goal, without realising that for various (usually unconscious) reasons, the partner doesn't see it as such. That's why the most painful thing is misunderstanding a "purpose oriented relationship" with a "forever" one. I guess mistaking an "ego reflating" relation for a "forever" could be hurtful too, but as it wouldn't last as long, hopefully the mourning would be shorter.  

The purpose-oriented relationship can last for such a long time that it's easy to misread it as a forever one, but I think there are clues that makes one feel all is not as it should be, some repression of self that is only obvious long after, etc. At least in my experience. But then again I only know what I got to know :)  

[AgentRXS]

Question:  How do you all feel about women in heterosexual relationships proposing marriage to men......And I'm not just talking about a casual "Hey, we should just get married" elopement. I'm talking about the woman purchasing the ring, getting down on one knee in front of her friends and family, etc.

Been seeing these kind of proposal videos lately, and its rubbing me the wrong way.I tend to feel like if marriage is something a man really wants, he will propose himself.  I don't know....maybe there are some traditional values from your upbringing you just can't shake.

Ladies: How do you feel about these types of proposals?

Men: How would you feel about a female proposing to you in the down-on-one-knee, ring-in-hand fashion?

[Bastet]

I'm not really down with proposals in general; I think marriage should be something both parties discuss and decide on, not something one asks the other to do.  And I think public proposals are awful.  And, boy howdy, do I think women should pick out their own rings.  But, these are my preferences, and I'd never get married anyway, so what do I care how someone else does things, really? 

So, for those who like the formal proposal route, I don't see how it matters who's the one doing it; I can't think of a single good reason to insist only the man can be the one to take that step.  (I guess lesbians could never get married, because there's no man to propose?  I know you limited this to heterosexual pairings, but I think the fact there would have to be a separate rule just further illustrates the fact it's rather silly to make proposing strictly a "guy thing.")

Edited August 7, 2017 by Bastet

[AgentRXS]

I guess  part of the reason it bothers me in heterosexual relationships, because their is a whole history perpetuating the "women must be subservient to men" myth. So to see a woman committing an act in a public display of subservience ( getting down on one knee) to their male partner just irritates me in a way it wouldn't if it were a same-sex proposal.

[Bastet]

I guess I can see that (and don't like the one-knee thing, whoever is doing it), but I think wanting to propose to her boyfriend but not being "allowed" to, and instead having to sit around and wait for him to do it, because she's the woman and he's the man, is far more subordinate.

Edited August 7, 2017 by Bastet

[theredhead77]

In short: what other people do in their relationships doesn't matter to me (insert disclaimer about being legal, no abuse blah blah).

I think one shouldn't ask a big question like that unless they already know the answer to it. Who knows why the lady is proposing. Maybe it's an inside joke, maybe it's something they've talked about and it was the woman who was always unsure so when she was sure, she did the proposal.

 

1 hour ago, AgentRXS said:

I tend to feel like if marriage is something a man really wants, he will propose himself.  I don't know....maybe there are some traditional values from your upbringing you just can't shake.

 

24 minutes ago, AgentRXS said:

I guess  part of the reason it bothers me in heterosexual relationships, because their is a whole history perpetuating the "women must be subservient to men" myth.

I think you're tied up in one myth (men will propose if they really want to get married) while being bothered by another.

[BookWoman56]

My basic feeling on proposals is that they shouldn't exist in this day and age. If the people in the relationship want to make it legal, then they should discuss it and make a joint decision. If one person in the relationship is ready for marriage but the other person has no clue that his/her significant other feels that way, then to me that just screams that this is a bad fit. Ultimately, I don't really care how other people handle the decision, but I just think it's damn stupid for a guy to presume to go pick out an engagement ring and then ask someone to get married. Of course I think marriage in general is pretty damn stupid anyway, so that may color my thinking. I can say that anyone, male or female, who got down on one knee in a public setting to propose to me would get a response of "Not only no, but hell no."  FWIW, it doesn't matter to me if the person doing the proposal is male or female; the whole idea of making a decision that you are ready to get married, and then asking the other person if he/she will accept just seems really fucked up to me. It should be a decision that is arrived at mutually and organically, not some forced pseudo-romantic moment. 

[ratgirlagogo]

As I've said many times I'd really only consider a deathbed marriage so I don't care how anybody else cares to pursue this line of action.

[Qoass]

Well, I agree with pretty much all of y'all but thanks, @AgentRXS for bringing up such an interesting topic!

[JTMacc99]

16 hours ago, AgentRXS said:

Men: How would you feel about a female proposing to you in the down-on-one-knee, ring-in-hand fashion?

Depends on the girl. Like, if Kate Beckinsale and I met in New York and had a great day, went our separate ways, and then by chance found each other again later this year, and she got down on one knee and proposed to me, I would be okay with that.

And while I'm deadly serious about accepting Kate Beckinsale's proposal, I do have other thoughts. I think that due to societal norms in this country, that it's likely to make many men feel very uncomfortable. I think of my younger friends at work, and it seems like the path they are on would be similar to the one I took, which is to talk about it, make sure you are both on the same page, and then let the man do it in some sort of way that would be a special moment for both of them. What that means definitely varies from couple to couple, where a big public gesture might actually be desired by both people.

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 8/7/2017 at 3:30 PM, Bastet said:

I'm not really down with proposals in general; I think marriage should be something both parties discuss and decide on, not something one asks the other to do.  And I think public proposals are awful.  And, boy howdy, do I think women should pick out their own rings. 

We're in such agreement on this that it kind of makes me want to get down on one knee and ask, "Bastet, will you marry me?"

[Spunkygal]

9 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

We're in such agreement on this that it kind of makes me want to get down on one knee and ask, "Bastet, will you marry me?"

Make room for me! I cringe at all the stupid engagement pics....not just the posed ones after the engagement is announced but the ones where the photographer "hid" in the bushes to capture the moment. A former coworker and her hubby took son and his GF to Paris and then coworker arranged for a photographer to follow them and snap pics at X point outside Notre Dame (prearranged with son) to capture GF's orgasmic surprise when son proposed. Plenty of eye rolling in the office that day.

Edited August 14, 2017 by Spunkygal

[BookWoman56]

I also think many people fall into the trap of thinking that a proposal, if people insist on doing that, has to be in some romantic setting for it to work. I've known quite a few men who were convinced somehow that if they could just get their GF to go to destination X, and then the man would propose, that the GF would of course accept the proposal even if she had no idea he was thinking about marriage.  The worst case I remember was with a friend probably 25 years ago. He'd just gone through a bad divorce where his wife took off with another guy, while my friend was away for the summer doing research. The wife also cleaned out the bank accounts, including grant money that was supposed to pay the expenses for the research that was done in a different country. So, fundamentally, my friend did not have his head screwed on straight, and almost immediately got involved with someone else. Like a lot of relationships, it started out okay but my friend was looking for instant committed relationship and the woman wasn't, having just gotten out of a serious relationship that went bad.  And I'm listening to my friend tell me he's about to go into debt to put together a foreign vacation to some romantic spot, because he's convinced if he can just get her to that place, and propose to her, she'll accept and everything will be wonderful. Cue me trying to bring him back to reality: Dude, if you have to take her to [wherever it was] to get her to agree to get married, then the marriage is not going to work.  Fortunately, she broke things off entirely before he could proceed with the trip plans. Fundamentally, though, this just accords with my overall idea that there should be no need for a proposal and instead there should just be gradual realization by the couple that they are ready to take that step, if they in fact are ready.  My friend's GF had no idea he was thinking about proposing; she thought that if the trip happened, it was just going to be a vacation. If the idea of getting married is a complete shock to one member of the couple, then they're not ready to get married. 

[DeLurker]

On 8/8/2017 at 8:51 AM, JTMacc99 said:

Depends on the girl. Like, if Kate Beckinsale and I met in New York and had a great day, went our separate ways, and then by chance found each other again later this year, and she got down on one knee and proposed to me, I would be okay with that.

I can't decide if you're dropping a Serendipity reference or just like the idea of meeting Kate Beckinsale as a generally good thing.  

[JTMacc99]

I was just trying to think of a scenario where I'd be like "I'm okay with this", and that particular kind of love and that specific lady would do it. 

[DeLurker]

I like the movie - it is fluff, but sometimes I need a bit of fluff.

[Qoass]

I actually did get swept away by a very romantic proposal in a romantic spot. I came to my senses a couple of days later, thank goodness, although I'll always regret the hurt I caused by backing out after saying yes.

[DeLurker]

You probably saved both of you a lot of hurt by having the sense and the courage to give the response that you knew was the right one for you.

[Qoass]

Oh, I'm sure that's true. I just wish I'd worked that out before he called his family.

[JTMacc99]

Feelings are idiots. 

At best, they're 50/50 when they are in charge of decision making.

[Moose135]

On 8/13/2017 at 10:03 PM, Spunkygal said:

I cringe at all the stupid engagement pics....not just the posed ones after the engagement is announced but the ones where the photographer "hid" in the bushes to capture the moment.

That has gotten to be pretty big business for some photographers, with the hope that they will be hired to shoot the wedding as well.

[Qoass]

Wow.

These are the same couples that have gender reveal parties later, right?

[magicdog]

On 8/7/2017 at 2:16 PM, AgentRXS said:

Question:  How do you all feel about women in heterosexual relationships proposing marriage to men......And I'm not just talking about a casual "Hey, we should just get married" elopement. I'm talking about the woman purchasing the ring, getting down on one knee in front of her friends and family, etc.

 

Truth be told, I have a problem with women who propose to men for marriage.  Call me old fashioned (although I think it's less about tradition than the average man's nature) but if a guy wants to go out with you, wants to spend the rest of his life with you, wants you to be mother of his children and grow old with you - HE would be the one making the effort to do so.  I feel sorry for women who buy their own engagement rings!  They do it in the misguided thought that it's "a new modern world"  and that "it doesn't matter",  but in reality it's the immature desire to keep a guy in her life when perhaps he isn't ready or interested in that kind of commitment.  

 

[Zola]

Whilst in a coffee shop near where I live, I noticed my ex-girlfriend walking down the street and doing some window shopping. But she wasn't alone: she was with another woman, presumably her new partner given their positive body chemistry, and that they were holding hands from time to time. 

They didn't spot me from the other side of the street, but my own vain curiosity got the better of me and I just watched them for a good 5 minutes until they finally walked out of my field of vision. 

Even though we split up a couple of months back on good terms, I still felt the touch of envy/jealousy that she was with someone else now, whilst I'm "enjoying" the single life (which is something I currently crave for anyway). I didn't feel any bitterness towards my ex, but I did have the odd pang, the odd yearning, wishing that I was still with her. But then again that's only because I saw her today with someone else. Up until that point I had scarcely paid her any thought. 

That was about 5 hours ago, and even now I still think about her and the good times we had together during out brief 3 months together. Had I not seen her this morning I would have carried on with my usual day-to-day way of life; but on the rare occasions you see or hear your ex being with someone else there is always that touch of anxiety and mild jealousy causing through one's veins. But hopefully it will pass and I can focus on the here and now rather than the past and what might have been.

Edited September 8, 2017 by Zola

[AgentRXS]

Quote

But hopefully it will pass and I can focus on the here and now rather than the past and what might have been.

Of course it will. Evenwhen you ended things with your ex on friendly terms, we all get that little pang of bitterness over seeing them happy with someone else. Like you said, it does tend to remind you of the good times with them. Rationality will return by tomorrow,I'm sure of it.

[JTMacc99]

Human interactions are fucking exhausting. 

Today's JTMacc pearl of wisdom for you all. 

Of course, the vast majority of the exhaustion comes from my own brain trying to navigate around other people's behaviors and feelings. Maybe they're not the ones causing me issues. It's ME creating issues around them. Or maybe they just suck. Probably a combination of the two.

[langway]

20 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

Human interactions are fucking exhausting. 

Today's JTMacc pearl of wisdom for you all. 

Of course, the vast majority of the exhaustion comes from my own brain trying to navigate around other people's behaviors and feelings. Maybe they're not the ones causing me issues. It's ME creating issues around them. Or maybe they just suck. Probably a combination of the two.

lol I struggle with this too. I seem to be irritated by most people/things. For example, my aunt's father in law died. My other aunt (her sister), my grandmother (her mother) and my mother (her sister in law) are all running around to help set up the post funeral luncheon right at this moment (the only ones who are doing this, mind you) while his actual family members and friends couldn't be bothered to lift a finger. When my grandfather died (my aunt's dad), these in laws were no where to be found. Didn't come to the funeral, didn't help with setting up the post-funeral luncheon thing, nothing. In my petty mind, I don't feel like my 75 year old grandmother (who is already in bad health) should be running around doing all of this when they didn't even send their condolences when her husband died 9 years ago. /shrug I know, family, death, not the time to be petty or judgmental, but I can't help it. When my grandfather died, his kids and grandkids did everything, we're a pretty big family, with some help from some family friends. This man's family is fucking huge and he has a huge friend group, and none of these people can help the grieving immediate family set shit up? Fuck outta here. My grandmother ain't gonna get a thank you, a fuck you or a dinner for everything she's done for them to this point and it grates my nerves.

[JTMacc99]

Mindlessly driving to the gym this morning. Have the day off from work. At peace for the most part with where things are heading. 

Stern is interviewing Marilyn Manson, and he is an interesting guy. I'm enjoying it. Then he starts talking about his relationship with Trent Reznor and how Reznor produced the album that made him a star, and then the falling out, and the years of hurt feelings, the occasional contact, the mending of a fence here and there, and that at this point he would love to work with him again. 

And a fucking wave of bullshit went right through me. Broken friendships, desires to get back magic moments, ugh. Who needs that shit in their life?  

[theredhead77]

I love Manson and Reznor is a goddamn genius.

Think of some broken friendships as a sentimental coffee mug that you drank your coffee from becuase it put you back to some happy place. The mug eventually showed surface cracks and eventually fell off the counter and broke. You love the mug so you super glue it so you can at least look back at it fondly but it's never the same and certainly not something you should be drinking hot coffee from.

----

That's how I'm looking at my friendship with the long-time friend who I posted about bailing on me last Black Friday. Other than the hangout we had mid-summer there has been no attempts at contact, he hasn't texted to see how I'm settling in, he didn't acknolwedge my move.  He didn't ghost and I know he's telling all his friends how he was the one that made all the effort to hang out and he was waiting to see how long it took me to try and make plans. It's what he does with everyone, but I know in our friendship I was always the one to initiate. So I look back the friendship with fond memories but I know it's not anything I want to drink from again.

Edited September 21, 2017 by theredhead77

[JTMacc99]

I think the part about the Manson/Reznor story that made me feel for him was the way they crossed paths over the years. It's like you said @theredhead77, he was able to put it to the side and go on and be successful. But to quote Mike Tyson (!) "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth."  

And as he talked about running into Reznor at an awards show or when some other person mentioned that Reznor might want to share something with him, I could hear how those moments messed with his peace. How he probably wanted to pour coffee in the mug. How the contact was a punch in the mouth that derailed the plan he was following. 

Interesting guy, and he definitely struck a chord with me today. 

[BookWoman56]

While I know full well some friendships become too fractured to heal entirely, I do think it's possible to get past hard feelings and become friends again, even if not quite as close as previously. I experienced this myself within the past few years, with a former friend from high school and college who just sort of froze me out when we were in our early 20s. There was no argument or drama, just the slow realization on my part that she was no longer invested in the friendship, and that hurt for a long time. But I moved on. A couple of  years ago, a mutual friend organized an online reunion with a small group of us, her included, and so we touched base for the first time in decades. I was a bit reluctant to make any overtures toward her about resuming the friendship on an individual level, rather than just as group friends, so to speak, but she made the first move and sent a friend request via FB, and since then we have chatted periodically. We're now separated by a couple of states, and we'll never be back to being BFFs, but at the same time, I have enjoyed getting to know her as an adult who has much more life experience than when we were BFFs. I think I understand what was going on in her life at the point that our original friendship dissipated, but don't feel compelled to discuss it. We're comfortable with each other, and at this point, we could hang out together if the occasion arises. Had there been some huge dramatic breakup, I don't think I would feel that way, but I'm not someone prone to relationship drama of any sort, anyway.

[theredhead77]

Speak of the devil. Aformentioned friend texted me this afternoon to see how I was adjusting. I haven't heard from him since the summer.

[Zola]

I have a first date tonight with a woman I've been chatting to online via a computer tech forum.

I am incredibly nervous about it purely because its all rather formal, orderly and premeditated. The fact that the hours and minutes are counting down before I have to go out, arrive at this chosen restaurant, find the woman in question (assuming she doesn't blow me out); and then find a table, sit and spend ages going through the whole "small talk" deal while dining. And all the time I'm thinking ahead of how to prepare for the next step - do we stay in the restaurant? do we go to a bar? do we head home:hers or mine, single or together; stop over or head back? share a bed or separate rooms? kiss or not? sex or not? another date or not?

All of these questions peculating in my head from now until zero-hour, fretting over so many things, even though I've been down this road on quite a few occasions in the past, but I still never get used to it.

Compare that formality to the more spontaneous  dates I'm more use to - usually in a club, pub or concert venue. A few drinks inside me, and perhaps a spliff, and then I just meet up with a complete stranger and if all goes well everything just happens in a very smooth and easy fashion: no fretting, no hang-ups, no advanced planning.

Perhaps the aid of alcohol helps, but to be honest I don't think it does fully because I have gone on formal 1st dates before with a couple of drinks inside me, and it doesn't make much of a difference. On the contrary it can make things worse, not least because my date might think I'm an alcoholic, and secondly, I can't think so clearly.

Ho hum.... just another 7 hours to go (its 12:30 here in the UK), and already my stomach is doing somersaults!

[JTMacc99]

I think this is an appropriate place to put this:

I heard Norm McDonald yesterday on the radio. It was a long bit about the twenty-four hour news cycle and how it does things like tell us that Susan has gone missing. At first he thought, I don't care. I don't know Susan. As a matter of fact, I'm glad it's Susan and not somebody I know. Then he keeps watching the news, and it turns out that everybody loved Susan, and that she's really great. And then at one point he's thinking, "I like the way she's wearing her hair in that photo."  And then they turn up some new clues, and he starts to get hope.  

Which is when he drops this line: "I don't care what Obama says. Hope is never good. Don't try it. It never works out."  That made me laugh really hard, because yep. That's where an awful lot of the bad shit that happens. When you have hope and then get let down.

He finished up the bit with the news cycle coming back to a guy standing with a microphone saying that police are continuing to search the woods and then saying, "The woods? That's never good. It's not like she's going to walk out of woods and say, why are you pointing that camera at me? I was just taking a walk in the woods."

 

So yeah. Hope. Don't try it. Heh.

[Wings]

On 9/28/2017 at 4:33 AM, Zola said:

I have a first date tonight with a woman I've been chatting to online via a computer tech forum.

I am incredibly nervous about it purely because its all rather formal, orderly and premeditated. The fact that the hours and minutes are counting down before I have to go out, arrive at this chosen restaurant, find the woman in question (assuming she doesn't blow me out); and then find a table, sit and spend ages going through the whole "small talk" deal while dining. And all the time I'm thinking ahead of how to prepare for the next step - do we stay in the restaurant? do we go to a bar? do we head home:hers or mine, single or together; stop over or head back? share a bed or separate rooms? kiss or not? sex or not? another date or not?

All of these questions peculating in my head from now until zero-hour, fretting over so many things, even though I've been down this road on quite a few occasions in the past, but I still never get used to it.

Compare that formality to the more spontaneous  dates I'm more use to - usually in a club, pub or concert venue. A few drinks inside me, and perhaps a spliff, and then I just meet up with a complete stranger and if all goes well everything just happens in a very smooth and easy fashion: no fretting, no hang-ups, no advanced planning.

Perhaps the aid of alcohol helps, but to be honest I don't think it does fully because I have gone on formal 1st dates before with a couple of drinks inside me, and it doesn't make much of a difference. On the contrary it can make things worse, not least because my date might think I'm an alcoholic, and secondly, I can't think so clearly.

Ho hum.... just another 7 hours to go (its 12:30 here in the UK), and already my stomach is doing somersaults!

What happened!?   You can't leave us hanging.