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Relationship Thread: Advice, Venting and Everything Else

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I do want to get the heart of it, and at least create an understanding, if not a correction (for lack of a better term). I don't like the immediate response to a problem I'm having to be that I am wrong to have it in the first place (not that there can't be cases of that, of course). Why does he not know that solving the problem is valuable because I want to be with him; if I didn't, I would let the problem give me an excuse not to be! I got no time to stay with some incorrigible dude.

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21 hours ago, TattleTeeny said:

Basically, when we have an argument, I feel like 

  • he's less mad at whatever we're arging about than he is at the idea that I am mad at him.
  • that he's less concerned with reaching a solution than he is with winning.
  • he's deliberately obtuse, which leads to false equivalencies, endless "redirects," and repetition.

Not to mention the way he defends himself (like he's a martyr) makes me wonder why he'd put up with someone ever so mean like me, haha!

Seriously, it's the same every time. I don't know how else to tell him I am not interested in old rehashes or past infractions, and I am definitely not picking a fight--why on earth would I want to spend my time arguing with him for fun? If I have an issue, I want to be able to let him know. Further, he should be interested in knowing!

 

21 hours ago, TattleTeeny said:

It's more like, if I say that I don't get why he repeatedly stays excessively late at work, even though he's not getting paid for it (this usually happens after he complains about not having enough free time), he claims I'm "getting on his case," and that he doesn't get on mine for, say, volunteering a few hours a week at an animal shelter. Not comparable (especially considering that the time I am there is never time that I could be hanging out with him). Not really comparable.

And why do we need comparisons anyway? How about just addressing the singular issue first? If he has one of his own, he is invited to bring that up on his own (he doesn't, because it doesn't actually bother him!).

He's way too smart to argue like this, and he knows I know this because I'm no dummy either--he would never even be with someone he thought was dumb! So why the hell is this is damn schtick every time? Maybe it works with other people but keep it away from your chosen GF, please!

Resolution versus Winning - Sore topic for me.  I almost never won arguments with my ex because he was way better at fighting then I was.  He could be defending something that is absolutely totally wrong but make a more compelling argument.  It was infuriating!  The few times I was winning, he would whip out "you're more interested in "winning" then finding a solution!".

When he complains about something that you know leads to a well worn argument, like the free time issue, don't take the next step on that path.  Say "I know.  The job demands have been really long these past few weeks." or "They'll be hurting when you take a new job".  Acknowledge the statement and don't offer up a solution - he's not interested in one.  See what happens after that.

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And he knows that I really hate the whole "you're a nag" defense. Like, hate it! I'm a pretty low-key GF comparatively, so where he gets this, I don't know.

When we fight, and he's being what I think of as "deliberately obtuse," this always comes to mind:
 

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I have no one to talk to.  I am with my spouse and I have had enough.  He is a verbal abuser shit.  We have money problems not horrid but we need a new car and can not afford one.  BUT he has 3 motorcycles probably 25 guns all kinds of equipment etc...I have a broken front tooth and he wont help me at all.  It is going to cost 5k to get it fixed and I have nothing.  I am 66 and have  a chronic illness.  Now six months ago I started to have to use a cane to walk because my back is damaged due to spinal stenosis , he got hurt at work in 1984 and never worked again..he has had 9 back surgeries and was totally disabled  It didn't stop him from riding bikes and going and doing what ever he wanted.  I worked three jobs at time and raised his kids and took care of the house.

I lost my job at 61 due to them doing away with it...and I filed for ssdi due to my chronic illness.  I received it but had no medical for two years and had to pay for all of my meds drs etc from my 401K. 

This idiot constantly calls me the c word and fat and stupid and lazy and an idiot and a bitch.  He tells me that he is going to make sure I am so miserable that I either kill myself or go live under a bridge.  I have no family anymore and no car and nothing other than what I have on my back.  I lost so much when I lost my job and he even blames me for that too.  I am so miserable...I don't love anyone anymore.  I trust no one and pretty much I just don't care about anything.  I am in pain all day everyday and cant seem to get a doc to do surgery on my back. 

I have always kept a nice house and did all the work..i can not do much of anything now and he said I am as worthless as tits on a male hog.  I cry every day my self worth is just nill he mocks me when I cry or if I say anything about my pain.  He makes fun of the way I walk and talk and anything and everything.  My blood pressure from the pain and the mental abuse is 190/110 I take meds but the minute I get upset it shoots up.  I would leave if I had a car and could get a small apt that would let me have my dog...but I have about 200$ to my name and just my social security.  There is no one to help me.Thanks for letting me vent.  I have no one to talk to about this he is a charmer and no one knows what I go through

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@seahag50, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Your husband is verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive, and you need to get out of that situation as soon as you can. Maybe others here can offer advice about social services that might be able to help you with finding a low-cost apartment of your own. A quick look online at HUD shows that if you have a disability, you may qualify for public housing. I would also suggest that you look online for any nearby legal aid group; these groups provide legal assistance for people who cannot afford it and may be able to help you obtain a legal separation/divorce. They can advise you of your rights in this situation, such as whether you may be entitled to at least some of the equity in the house if you divorce your husband.

What I can say with certainty is that you don't deserve this kind of treatment from your husband. Nobody does. He's doing his utmost to make you feel even more depressed than you already are. Anyone who says his goal is to make you depressed enough to kill yourself is an unrepentant jerk, at a minimum. There's no excuse for that kind of treatment.

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BookWoman56 I appreciate your advice.  I have taken some steps and I don't want anything we rent due to losing our house because of his and my medical bills.  He is a jerk and I have quit loving him.  I don't regret not loving him at all I would rather be alone than live like this anymore.  He is so selfish that I bought myself a recliner that I pay monthly on for another 4 months because he told me I can not sit in his chair.  I have made excuses for him all the time.  He complains about everything I mean everything.  I quit having sex because how can you if someone calls you horrid names and insults where you came from and your family.  I was sitting in my chair rocking yesterday listening to Mozart with head phones and he yelled at me to quit rocking I was doing it too much.  Today he yelled at me for not waiting for him to come home to eat while dinner is hot...he was next door watching football.  He said he called me but my phone is upstairs and I can hardly go up and down stairs with my canes.  He is a 66 year old man that acts like a 12 year old who needs mommy to do it all.  He yelled at me that I didn't write down an apt for him on the calendar.  I was supposed to have minor surgery on my back...a spinal shot last Friday and he told me that he wasn't going to take me and I had no ride and I was going to be put to sleep to do it.  I had to cancel it cause no one could take me.  I was crying on the phone when I left a message.  On Friday at 1300 he said what time is your surgery....I wanted to reach into his chest and take a bite out of his heart.  I just turned and said no one was taking me and I can not drive myself..we live in the sticks so there is no uber etc....he then told me he was kidding...I told him I didn't care I would make other arrangements to have it done and find someone to take me.  I am done with all of this...I know if I left he would be begging me to stay.  I wont this time I'm too old to be his punching bag anymore.

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Yikes, that sounds rough. I've seen this kind of thing before, where two people who probably do actually care about each other a fair amount, due to their own personal issues, end up lashing out. You do not need to be his punching bag anymore and you DO need to set a new course for yourself without guilt or shame.

I definitely think being out in the sticks and isolated has made it worse for you. I don't know if you have any old friends you could look up...not necessarily to use as a sounding board regarding your divorce but just so that you have someone else to talk to you even if it's just about television shows or movies or current affairs. I think you need to reconnect somehow because this relationship seems to be your whole world and it's obviously hurting you a lot. As you relocate yourself and try to deal with your medical problems, at least having someone to talk to even once a week in a friendly way could help you get through what I'm sure will be a very difficult transition. I would recommend finding a therapist but I know you don't have the income and sometimes that's a very difficult step to take.

Bookwoman makes a valid point about checking out your local social services and crisis centers. Unfortunately you're going to have to do some research now and see what your options are. My advice? Don't give up and don't get lazy. You will be better off for trying to find your way into a more sane and respectful environment. It's just going to take a bit of struggle now. I know even searching for this kind of thing on the internet can make you feel worthless and upset. The questions might be "how did I screw up things so badly that now I have to run and find help from strangers?" Please, please don't beat yourself up. And remember that you don't need to stay living with this man to still care about him. I think he has fallen completely deaf to your needs and his utterly oblivious to just how abusive he has become. You cannot change him - all you can do is decide whether you're going to spend the rest of your life staying and trying to fight back against someone who will not see what they have become.

Also, try and ask yourself what you would say to somebody else who was in your circumstances. I find this very helpful because it allows me to realize that I wouldn't want somebody else to endure some of the stuff that I'm going through if they could possibly avoid it.

Hang in there. There is a better way to go through life than in some abusive marriage that's past its expiration date.

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I'm glad you wrote @seahag50 - it is a start.  The abuse isn't just verbal - it is psychological as well.  And both those things cause lots of pain and damage.

I went through a very bad marriage and an even worse divorce (but never once reconsidered my decision).  It took a long time to start to unravel the tangled mass of trauma because it was so messy and overwhelming.  What I did find helpful and it kept me focus on dealing with whatever the current problem was, was to artificially separate the past offenses.  They do need to be dealt with for you, but in time.  You current priorities sound like finding a way to remove yourself from this relationship and living situation.

I was fortunate in having family and friends that helped me plus a decent paying career I could pursue.  But looking for help through local social services, religious groups or even a national Domestic Violence number or website is a start.  As hard as it is, seeking guidance from your healthcare provider is also an option - every doctors office probably has the name and number of some local resources.

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@seahag50 - another suggestion is to find something to do to help others with your time - even for a few minutes a day or a couple hours a week.  If you are crafty, make little ornaments to donate to a charity for children, make blankets...I've run out of ideas because I am not crafty in the least!  Find an organization that can use some assistance that you can do remotely like updating mailing lists.  Anything to take your focus off your immediate environment and to help others.  After being verbally beat down for so long, it can be hard to remember that there are positive qualities we all have, but yours have probably gone into hiding.  The focus on something else - even for a brief period - gives our mental/emotional/physical self a short recess.

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23 hours ago, seahag50 said:

He is a 66 year old man that acts like a 12 year old who needs mommy to do it all. 

To me, that one sentence would be enough to end the relationship, regardless of the other issues with the way he treats you and speaks to you. He's a grown-ass man; it's not your responsibility to write down appointments for him, etc.

People like this are users; they don't give anything substantive to the relationship. They use family members, friends, etc., until they alienate everyone, and then bitch and moan that they have been treated unfairly. Nothing you can do is going to make him change his behavior. The only thing you can change is what you do, and from everything you've said,  you would be much better off without him than with him.

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So I'm going through a mess of anxiety in the face of having to make decisions on some big stuff right now. And I was trying to hold on until a call today with a friend who is one of the only people I feel like I can be really honest with about this kind of stuff. I feel weird about unloading onto people and my tendency is also towards making people laugh and putting people at ease so I'll sort of be honest but I also downplay things a lot. Anyway, I compartmentalize and tell each person a little so I get to talk and no one feels overwhelmed. But she is my go-to for emotional mental health stuff and also in a more practical way I think she could help with some formal emails I need to be sending soon. But I signed on to chat with her tonight and her friend just got fired so she's talking to him. And I get that they're close and he's going through something right now. But it's tough when I had it in my mind that I just had to get through to today and also I have the looming responsibilities and decisions I have to make. I'm a ball of anxiety right now. It's not the loud, obvious kind of breakdown. It's the keeping everything tight and repressed so I don't freak the fuck out kind of a breakdown. Like I'm shutting down parts of myself... which is what I've been doing for the past few days in order to function. 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do instead of talking to her tonight. I don't need therapy. I need more like... a guidance counselor/life coach. Right now I want to curl up in a ball and cry and be furious and cancel all the things so I don't have to leave the house for a week. Like, how dare I start to make progress and email people I needed to email and go to the gym and plan dates and try to be normal. I should just lie in bed and watch things online until I'm exhausted and then I can fall asleep and get up and do it all over again. 

I know I'm being self-pitying and self-absorbed right now but I can't help it. I didn't think this call was going to fix everything but it was my anchor to get me through the past few days and it was supposed to give me a boost and some direction to get me through the next few weeks. 

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Chances are your friends know that there are matters you keep on a short leash and they respect your privacy so they don't push. 

Is it possible for you to text an SOS call to the one you were going to talk to tonight?  Maybe you can work out another time in the next day or two because it is really important.

Sometimes we all need that safe person to be our sounding board.  

Hope it works out. 

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9 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I know I'm being self-pitying and self-absorbed right now but I can't help it. I didn't think this call was going to fix everything but it was my anchor to get me through the past few days and it was supposed to give me a boost and some direction to get me through the next few weeks.

It sounds less like self-pity and more like frustration tied into all of the other emotions. It was probably in this thread, but for sure it's somewhere in here where I described a feeling as though I was Charlie Brown and the damn football keeps getting pulled away from me. You have all of the thoughts and emotions tied into what will happen once you get to have that conversation (kick the football) and then it doesn't happen and you really have nothing other than to lie on your back for a while and then regroup.  

It sucks.

9 hours ago, DeLurker said:

Sometimes we all need that safe person to be our sounding board.

So true.  Although I'm more with aradia22 in the way I spread it around. I also get professional help, which I realize is a luxury, and that helps me process and compartmentalize better than I would ever be able to do without it.

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Update, my friend finally texted me (maybe after her friend had left) and we've set up a time to try again on Saturday. I also got the numbers of some counseling facilities around here. I don't know if they'll be covered by my insurance or how helpful it'll be with my shortterm goals but I have them just in case. 

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On 11/25/2016 at 10:12 PM, theredhead77 said:

I just have to vent here before I become a 14 year old girl and rant on Facebook. I have standing Black Friday plans with a friend. We've done something every year for the last 6+ years. I confirmed that we were doing something today back in October and it was confirmed. On Monday I was informed that said friend was going wine tasting with other friends, that they were "roped into it" during a Halloween party. No asshole, you had plans with me, first. Reschedule yours. No, they "couldn't" be rescheduled. You love wine tasting, don't make it seem like a chore and don't be surprised that I'm pissed you're flaking on our standing tradition that I fucking confirmed.

 

On 11/26/2016 at 5:40 PM, theredhead77 said:

Thanks JTMac. I wouldn't have been pissed (or as pissed) if I was invited on the wine tasting trip, or if I was asked if I mined if we postponed our thing until today. At least I know where I stand.

Last night I turned on my work phone in preparation for Monday. I had a message on it from tradition friend, a last minute invite to a bar crawl he was doing Sat. in my neck of the woods. Never in the 10 years that I've known him or the 2 years I've had this second number has he ever called or texted me on anything but my primary phone.  It was a minimal effort make himself feel better text. My response was "hey, not sure if you meant to send this to me but my phone was off, hope you had fun". Response was "Yes, it was intended for you, not sure why it started a new thread though". Me "this is my work phone". Response "oh, well I was a few drinks in when I sent this, I must have selected the wrong number".

No, you intentionally selected it, invited me so last minute that you were already hours into it knowing I wouldn't go, just so you can tell yourself you made an effort so you can bitch to your friends about making all the effort and how you're done with it. When you know someone long enough you know how they roll. Peace.

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I was doing my turn as the listener this morning (I love helping; so much better than being the one who needs help) and have a couple interesting thoughts bouncing around in my head.

First was relationships where one person always needs to take the lead on big steps.  The example would be a couple where one person had to be the one to say we've been staying together almost every day, why don't we move in together. And then that person has to be the one who pushes to get married. And then the one who pushes to have children. And the one who has to almost force the issue for every big thing.

The thought was that it just sounds like such an unhealthy relationship, and for the most part it is.  The other thought was sometimes there are couples where one person actually prefers to let somebody make those decisions. 

 

And then on a completely different topic, my friend mentioned the daily exchanges of "good morning" and "how's your day going" texts somewhere around the same time there was a declaration that "relationships suck."  Heh.  I was honest and admitted that not having anybody sending you the "how's your day going?" texts leaves a void that's hard to fill.  It's not like your dog can check in on you during the day, although I'm sure they totally would if they could figure it out.

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1 hour ago, JTMacc99 said:

daily exchanges of "good morning" and "how's your day going" texts

(Emphasis mine.)  That would drive me nuts.

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1 hour ago, JTMacc99 said:

The thought was that it just sounds like such an unhealthy relationship, and for the most part it is.  The other thought was sometimes there are couples where one person actually prefers to let somebody make those decisions. 

Whether it is healthy or not depends on the couple and that can evolve over time as the people evolve.

The daily exchanges like that could be an attempt of the person in the sucky relationship to reconnect.  Or it could be Stalking 101.

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13 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

The daily exchanges like that could be an attempt of the person in the sucky relationship to reconnect.  Or it could be Stalking 101.

In this particular case, the couple doesn't live together and are just about a year into their relationship.  It's more of a "thinking about you" type of connection. 

They wake up in their own homes; they head off to work; they ping each other in a way that takes the place of what they would say to each other if they were leaving for work from the same home. 

My take on it was that it's nice to have somebody who genuinely gives a shit about you.  Which despite the fact I didn't present it that way above, is what it represents in their relationship. 

23 minutes ago, stewedsquash said:

If the person who takes the lead is keeping a tally of who takes the lead, they need to figure out if they can continue being in a relationship with someone who either does or doesn't take the lead. Either accept that the other person is more laid back or move on to someone who is equally adept at tallying the leads and making them equally divided.

That was pretty much my take on it. In this case, there is one particular action that the leader REALLY wants laid back person to just freaking do. They've actually discussed it, and it ended in a weird "well now if I do it, maybe it will seem like I'm doing it just because you wanted me and not because I wanted" conversation.  And now because it has still not happened within a window that seems appropriate since that conversation, it brought into question if all future things are going to be this way.  

My feeling is also that they have a pretty darn good relationship. They want to be together, they enjoy their time together, they are kind to each other. All of it seems like they've moved along nicely to where they are today, and that my friend is justified in thinking bigger things are either going to start happening or it's time to move on.

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8 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

And then on a completely different topic, my friend mentioned the daily exchanges of "good morning" and "how's your day going" texts somewhere around the same time there was a declaration that "relationships suck."  Heh.  I was honest and admitted that not having anybody sending you the "how's your day going?" texts leaves a void that's hard to fill.  It's not like your dog can check in on you during the day, although I'm sure they totally would if they could figure it out.

I really, really enjoyed waking up to a good morning text and receiving (and sending) those texts. When the good morning texts started consistently coming hours and hours later I knew something was wrong. I made sure to express, on a regular basis, how much I liked getting them and always responded. When I mentioned I missed my good morning texts they started up again (with the reason of stress as the culprit) but quickly faded. We broke up about a month later, he just wasn't feeling it anymore.

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Ok. Need advice on how to get over the silent treatment. I've been hanging out with a former significant other (not the abusive one) since he helped me out with a tight situation back in the beginning of December. He stated he was interested in getting back together and I was was willing to give it a try. The past month has been good, last time we hung out was New Year's weekend. We had pizza, watched football, and a Twilight Zone marathon and all seemed great when he left. All last week up until Thursday we have been in contact. He's always the type that wanted me to check in with him once a day (the aforementioned "How are you?" type text) to let him know that I got in from work safely, since I work nights and he works days. He promised to come over last weekend and help me with some handiwork around the house, and we were both looking forward to watching the playoff games together (or so I thought).

On Friday, I texted him my usual "I'm home" text, no response. Sat, I wished him a nice weekend, still nothing, but wasn't concerned because I figured maybe he was busy running errands or something. Sunday, still not realizing anything was up, texted him about the goings-on in various football games......still nothing. Monday &  Tuesday, radio silence. I called him tonight and the phone rang and went to voicemail. I left a message stating that I hope everything is ok and that if he's ending whatever it was we started, to let me know so I'm not out of the loop. I stated if he just needed space or is going through something, that's fine but I just would appreciate a little communication. All said in a normal voice with no hint of attitude or dramatics. I know this my come across as overbearing, but he's not the type to go more than a day without sending even a short text, and as I said, he expects a daily check-in text from me.

Whether he gets back to me or not, is of course up to him. What I'm looking for is advice on how to get over  possibly being dumped with being told I'm being dumped. I try not to think about it, but its bugging the hell out of me. I'm confused and annoyed and I really don't want to be either. If something happened in his personal life where he needs space, I feel bad for overreacting. If its that he has 2nd thoughts about revisiting our relationship, I'll accept it....I just wish that I knew what was going on in either case. So frustrating.

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@AgentRXS - since you guys went out before, did he ever go radio silent on you before?  And is he the type to need to isolate himself if there is some significant thing going on in his personal life?

Try not to assume it is something you've done or haven't done.  I've played that game lots of time during my marriage because mentally it makes the equation work - e.g., if I did/didn't do X than he would not have done Y.  In reality X = unknown to you only; he knows what X is.  X might not have anything to do with you - it might be something rational like a close friend/family member received bad news or it might be irrational like the Atlantic is to the east of you and he wants it on the west.

You've reached out to him so the next step is up to him.  And it is always a sucky place to be the one on your side.  Unfortunately you are not a mind reader and he is not telepathic, so unless he communicates what is going and and why, you're left wondering.

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Nope, he wasn't.  Even if one of us was not in a good place, we always sent a short text to each other, and let the other know we needed some space. We broke up the first time amicably. I was going to school and working at the time, and didn't have the time to dedicate to the relationship the way he wanted me to. But he was a phone call away if I ever wanted to reach out to him.

What he does or plans to do is his business and I accept that. I'm just wondering how to move on from this sort of situation. Because the frustration and the annoyance of replaying everything in my head is getting to me.

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5 minutes ago, AgentRXS said:

Because the frustration and the annoyance of replaying everything in my head is getting to me.

That would get me too.  If it were me, I'd probably let him know that his handling of "this" is really bothering you (probably more as a friend than anything else) and puts you at a total disadvantage as to how to best support him as a friend.

Short and to the point.  And then do your best to redirect your attention and energy.  There's political chaos going on (no matter which way you lean) so plenty to absorb those negative feelings.

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If it were me, I'd probably let him know that his handling of "this" is really bothering you (probably more as a friend than anything else) and puts you at a total disadvantage as to how to best support him as a friend.

Yes, I said that in my voicemail. Glad to know I'm not really overreacting cause part of me is feeling like maybe I am........And the political chaos has been really bothering me too, but that's for a different thread ;)

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I hate fucking radio silence. 

Went through it with the one I kinda sorta fell in love with at work. Different in that I was able to just walk over and say "what's up", but shitty as can be to have a phone that crackled with life turn into a paperweight. 

I keep my space out of her space these days. Out of sight, less in mind. Crossed her path this morning for the first time in over a month. I was walking with a friend and she was seated with her friend. She waved and said how are you.  I was waving back and said good. Kept walking with my friend and went about my business. 

Then my heart raced for five minutes and now I'm throwing around some weights at the gym. 

Stupid feelings.  

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Being ghosted on sucks ass. If he doesn't come back with a really!good!reason! give yourself a mental time-line and consider him gone. Sending a final text or vm of "I assume you've ghosted so for my sense of closure, unless you've been in a coma consider this book closed" could be perceived as "crazy*" but it helps with the closure.

*and who cares if he thinks you're crazy for wanting closure. he fucking ghosted.

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I don't think this sounds like a classic ghost. It sounds like he lost his cell phone. 

Assuming that isn't the case- here's what you do 

Do not send anything else. You've left vm and texts

do you have a mutual friend that knows he's ok?  If not- repeat above.

Final- let it go you if you know he's ok and not responding .  

How do you do that? You say "damn that must have meant a lot more to me but really what a waste in caring and I know now"  

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do you have a mutual friend that knows he's ok?  If not- repeat above.

Yes, he's (physically) fine. I asked a mutual friend today if they've heard from him and they said yes, and he seemed ok. Even if his cell phone was lost, he has my email address and he has a work-issued cellphone that he's contacted me on before in times of emergency, so their is no excuse he can use. I'm done with him, just would be nice to know why he did this, when a simple "I changed my mind about us" text/phone call would do.

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27 minutes ago, AgentRXS said:

Yes, he's (physically) fine. I asked a mutual friend today if they've heard from him and they said yes, and he seemed ok. Even if his cell phone was lost, he has my email address and he has a work-issued cellphone that he's contacted me on before in times of emergency, so their is no excuse he can use. I'm done with him, just would be nice to know why he did this, when a simple "I changed my mind about us" text/phone call would do.

Because it's hard.  I don't know nor do you what transpired between what sounds wonderful pizza and game nights,

At this point you definitely don't contact him and just have to resort to a lot of "wtf- it seemed so good but wasn't"  

And I'm sorry- and here  

 

.  

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If you need someone who smothers you with How are you? How are you now? How about now? Are you still doing okay?    checks in on you frequently then decide if you can live with someone who doesn't ask routinely but still does care, or if checking on you more is what you need.

Hahaha. Put me down as anti-good morning/how are you messages. When it comes to online dating, I feel all this pressure to respond. I've realized that guys throw that out there like that's all the effort they need to put in so if I want to have a conversation I can't just answer "fine" I need to tell them all about my day and then hope they ask a follow up question. But if that were part of a relationship, it would also drive me crazy. Show me you care about me in person. I'm the same way with friends. I still consider us friends without needing to check in with you all the time. As long as we're there for each other when we need to be, I think it's all good. 

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Whether he gets back to me or not, is of course up to him. What I'm looking for is advice on how to get over  possibly being dumped with being told I'm being dumped. I try not to think about it, but its bugging the hell out of me. I'm confused and annoyed and I really don't want to be either. If something happened in his personal life where he needs space, I feel bad for overreacting. If its that he has 2nd thoughts about revisiting our relationship, I'll accept it....I just wish that I knew what was going on in either case. So frustrating.

I'm sorry. I've never been in what I would consider a relationship but if someone I didn't want to be with had reached out and asked what was going on, especially as many times as you have, I would just be honest about not wanting to pursue a relationship (assuming they hadn't done something horrible that would have made me block them before that). How do you get over being dumped by a ghost? You say, I can't be with that person. That person is a ghost. Then you go on a date with someone new and it's good or bad but at least you move on. Or you realize you're lucky you didn't get in any deeper before he ghosted you and you didn't let your feelings get any more involved. And then you go do something you'd find fun or focus on a project you want to work on.

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On 1/11/2017 at 2:37 PM, JTMacc99 said:

And then that person has to be the one who pushes to get married. And then the one who pushes to have children

I never wanted to get married and was never able to carry a pregnancy to term (I was ambiguous about having kids anyway, and it was probably for the best given present finances) so even with earlier life drama I never went through this - but it's BAD BAD BAD in my opinion to get married when one person requires being PUSHED into it.  And having kids!!!???@#$%!!  Every single couple in my acquaintance who had a mismatch in their  attitude towards having children, whether biological or adopted - has ended up with one parent doing the parenting.  Even when they didn't separate.

So often a couple will embark on a big Shared Project to save a teetering relationship - moving in together, getting married, buying a house, going on a big trip, starting a business - but the worst is having a kid.  Cause there is no going back on that whatever happens, which is exactly why people do it.  Jeebus, it'd be better to get matching full-body tattoos than to have a kid, if you're not both on board. 

Edited by ratgirlagogo
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The only time pushing should be involved in having a kid is during the actual birth. Or so I've heard. I had a C-section, so I have no personal knowledge of pushing.

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I need some advice.  A friend of mine is increasingly forgetting things.  The worst was last week when we made plans for the weekend on Friday and then she called me a few hours later since she hadn't spoken to me in a while.  There are other contuing problems too.  She said the doctor said she was fine.  Should I speak with her adult children about this.  My husband is also having problems which our children have also noticed but he told me he won't go to the doctor because he doesn't want to know.  He also has me to remind him about things but my friend lives alone.

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31 minutes ago, thosme said:

I need some advice.  A friend of mine is increasingly forgetting things.  The worst was last week when we made plans for the weekend on Friday and then she called me a few hours later since she hadn't spoken to me in a while.  There are other contuing problems too.  She said the doctor said she was fine.  Should I speak with her adult children about this.  My husband is also having problems which our children have also noticed but he told me he won't go to the doctor because he doesn't want to know.  He also has me to remind him about things but my friend lives alone.

If this is a recurring issue, you are close-adjacent with them and can provide examples, yes, you should speak with her adult children. Hopefully they've noticed it too.

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@thosme You know more about the situation than we do and also your relationship with your friend and with her children. Do you have any reason to believe that the memory loss would make her a danger to herself or others? Is there any reason to think she wouldn't be able to take care of herself or is she just forgetting plans? If the doctor says she's fine and her children don't seem concerned, I would not intervene unless it seems like she's entering a stage where she's unable to see to her own needs. But perhaps gently suggest things like some kind of automatic prescription refill or some kind of calendar/reminder/organization system that might make things a little easier.

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Thank-you.  I don't think she is a danger to herself or anyone else yet.    I guess I worry because her father had early dementia and then lived for many, many years under care.  Maybe I'll watch and wait unless it appears she is having trouble taking care of herself. Also I will try to remember to be patient which I think I'm getting better at as I get older but certainly had trouble with previously.  

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Is she on medication for any serious health issues?  Because if she is slipping, she may end up over or under medicating herself.

My Mom has to handle all my Dad's med now and there are quite a few - some am, some pm, some with food, some without certain foods, etc...

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I'd talk to her children just in case it is something serious because the earlier it is detected, the better it can be treated. And it might be something that can actually be fixed.

Her doctor may have said she was fine, but may not know everything that is going on with her. Doctors don't often have a lot of time to spend with each patient, and if she hasn't mentioned symptoms or concerns, the doctor may not know.

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I'd also be less inclined to rely absolutely on what her doctor said. If your friend is anything like my parents, she minimizes symptoms when talking to the doctor, so the doctor might not be aware that there is any problem that needs to be checked out.  You don't have to make a big issue of it, but mentioning to her adult children that you've noticed her being a bit forgetful would be just an indication that you are a concerned friend. It would at least let them know they need to pay attention.  

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On 1/12/2017 at 1:25 PM, DeLurker said:

Feelings can be slow learners.

I know, right? My brain finally got the message of "No! Hot! (So hot...) Don't touch!" But my heart is all "Well, let's try to figure out a way to make this work."

Oh well. I hung up that Charlie Brown cartoon over my phone at work. It will serve to remind me that I need to maintain my optimism and keep trying on my one goal that needs to be accomplished, and to not forget that I (actually both of us) keep ending up in the same crappy place on the relationship goal I wish could be accomplished. 

Because to be honest, I hit the new year with a bit of "You tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try" as my attitude. But three weeks in, and I'm staring at footballs again.

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So I've come to the conclusion that my friend really can't be there for me right now. There's too much going on in her own life and I get that. Trying to reach out to her right now is just going to build unfair resentment on my side. 

I made the decision to find a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist weeks ago but I can't seem to take meaningful steps to actually do it. I need to find someone who accepts my insurance. But more than that, I need someone I can tell all my problems and secrets (and this is the important part) that I trust to help me find solutions and plans for confronting. I know how I am. There are certain personality types and approaches that make me shut down. I don't know how you pick a name at random when this is theoretically going to be a very important relationship in your life.

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30 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

 

I made the decision to find a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist weeks ago but I can't seem to take meaningful steps to actually do it. I need to find someone who accepts my insurance. But more than that, I need someone I can tell all my problems and secrets (and this is the important part) that I trust to help me find solutions and plans for confronting. I know how I am. There are certain personality types and approaches that make me shut down. I don't know how you pick a name at random when this is theoretically going to be a very important relationship in your life.

I have talked about my feelings about therapy here and there. It's one of the best decisions I ever made. 

Here's the thing, you can't move on to a second possibly better therapist if you don't have a first one. Yes, once you get going it will be an important part of your life, but the first appointment is more like a blind date. If you don't have anyone around to give you recommendations, you're just going to need to jump in and hope you find someone you trust early on. 

It was so worth it for me. 

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@aradia22 - finding a good fit for a therapist is really important and sometimes it takes meeting a couple before you land in the right place.  If your GP knows you well enough to understand that finding a good fit for your needs is critical, ask if they might recommend someone.  Or if you know anyone with perhaps similar concerns as you and they might be able to help direct you to a good match.

I don't know what your problems and secrets are, but perhaps there are some larger categories they fall into and looking for someone who is experienced in dealing with those might help slim the field.  For example, I was in an abusive marriage which eventually turned physically abusive so finding someone who was equipped to handle that was necessary.  I still had a few false starts because the interpersonal dynamic did not feel quite right to me.  From this side of the internet and factoring in what you have disclosed, let's say that some of your issues are cultural and the difficulty of having an existence straddling two cultures - American and traditional Chinese (I believe that you mentioned that at some point).  If that is true, finding a therapist who understands this aspect would be very important.

And any licensed therapist is going to be bound my codes regarding patient confidentiality.  I think the exception to that is if they feel the person is an imminent danger to themselves or others.

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I need someone to tell that I'm normal and also someone who understands that there's something wrong with me. I'm in a relatively good place right now (which is not a positive, happy, productive place, but it's at least not a sad, angry, self-destructive place). I need someone who can tell me there's a way forward and help give me the steps to cope when I'm feeling overwhelmed and teach me how to break things down into manageable pieces and maybe eliminate the things in my life that aren't healthy for me at the present. But I also need someone who understands that I'm looking for a therapist right now because for me this is good place. And just because I'm not crying or yelling and my negative feelings aren't right at the surface... I'm not all good right now. If all I needed was a pep talk I would have made some progress in the last few years. There are many layers of safety blankets and bad coping mechanisms and lies I tell myself and all sorts of things wrapped around me to give me the appearance of being fine and just ordinarily lazy and unmotivated. Since two weeks ago when I talked to my friend, I've pushed the bad feelings way down deep so I could function but they're still unresolved so even though I seem fine, I still can't seem to do the things I need to.

I feel like I'm talking in circles... Does this make any sense?

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I feel like I'm talking in circles... Does this make any sense?

Absolutely.  And it probably sounds really familiar to a lot of us - I know it sounds very familiar to me.

For over 10 years, I kept it together during the day while I was working and I kept it together as much as I could at home in an effort to act as a shock absorber for the kids.  I became remarkably skilled at focusing on the things that were good and averting my eyes from the things that weren't.  I kept packing up stuff into nice organized boxes and tucked them away in my mind so I could just function.  But the damn things kept spilling out.

A good place for me to start was actually an online forum.  It was a tv forum, but it had all sorts of other things under it.  I started to read the one on Domestic Violence and it was really helpful.  Up to then I felt so so alone and like I somehow did not do the right things to manage the situation.  Reading through those other peoples postings was so enlightening - getting a sense that abuse happens across every way you can slice and dice a demographic - age, race, income ,education, religion, etc...and reading their words helped me find my own.  Because everything up to then was just a big, convoluted mess that was overwhelming and not dissectable.  And through starting to post myself, I had to impose an order to clearly say what I needed to say and by reading their posts I finally had the words.

But it still took me several years after that to actually see a therapist*.  She was actually one that I had been taking my son to because he got emotionally pinata'd by his dad once I filed for a divorce.

A good therapist is going to recognize all those coping mechanisms we have.  And tell them what your expectations are and ask them what their approach would be and why?  The therapist I've been seeing knows that face to face interaction of an issue or situation is hard on me and I am likely to skirt an issue than discuss it in person.  She told me if it is easier on me, write it down in an email - that way I can give a narrative that I wouldn't be able to do if talking.  That gives her the basics and we can go through it from there in our sessions.

I would also suggest a thorough physical with your GP, including blood work.  Sometimes our body is out of whack but we don't know and that physical issue can impact us.  My thyroid starting going out of whack about 5 years ago and sometimes that plays a bit of havoc with me emotionally.  And our vitamin & mineral levels may be out of sync too.

*I may have some trust issues, huh?

It sounds like you've gotten to the point where you are ready to talk to a therapist - and I remember the primal trepidation I felt when I got there.  There can be a lot of stigma associated with "needing help", but I think that is lessening some socially.  The important thing is that you recognize the value to yourself for finding some guidance to move forward from where you are right now,  I think that is a positive.

Edited by DeLurker
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