Explain it to Me Like I'm Lily: Recaps for the Disenchanted

[Canadian]

Hi.  I've had an incredibly stressful week.  I got injured at work, resulting in some bad headaches (will be okay), and Kid totaled his car (he is also okay.).  Y&R way down the list.  Sorry!

So sorry for your nasty week Peach, sending you a hug...so glad you are both ok....take care!!

[Slowpokey]

Big (((hugs))) Peach. Prayers to you and hope things will get a lot better.

[PatsyandEddie]

PEACH!!!!

 

Your household needs to rest and relax! Many hugs and prayers being sent your way.

[NinjaPenguins]

Sending warm thoughts your way, peach. Glad your kid is okay. You just find a nice fruit bowl to hunker down in and take it easy.

[miamama]

Take it easy, Peach!

 

xo

[Foghorn Leghorn]

Aw, best wishes Peach!!

[Desperately Random]

I'll bet you're glad this week is almost over. Take care of yourself and glad LIl Peach is fine.

[ByTor]

I hope things get better for ya!

Edited April 24, 2015 by ByTor

[peacheslatour]

Best wishes, peach!  I'm sorry about your rotten week, but glad to hear your boy is o.k.  Being a mother, I know how it feels when they are out there in the world and you worry.  Please be well and give your kiddo big (((hugs)))).

[peach]

Thanks for all the well wishes.  :)  You guys are great.  So much already going on with graduation and college enrollment, etc etc.  I might have the strength to actually watch the show again, now that I'm on the mend. ha.  I have a "bruised eyeball."  I couldn't inflict any more damage on my poor eyes.  :P

[Capricasix]

Big hugs, Peachy! (I have an imaginary friend named Peachy on another board, so that's what I always call you in my head :D)

[photo fox]

Get better soon, peach! Stabby is finally happening, and I think you and I are the only ones excited about it. lol

You just find a nice fruit bowl to hunker down in and take it easy.

I have to admit, it took me a second to get this. D'oh!

[peach]

Thur, April 16 – Mon, April 20     WHERE THE HELL IS MARIAH?

 

Sadly, Adam and Billy’s fight is broken up by Stitch, who just got home from Dubai.  He drops Kelly’s urn in the process which gets mixed up in the scuffle, and Stitch gets super angry that an Abbott Brother is now LITERALLY kicking Kelly around in death, just as in life.  Ha.  That was amusing.  Blah blah.

 

There’s discussion about Sharon being arrested for Austin’s murder.  We’ve reached  a state of affairs where Stitch and Dylan are the two smartest people in town.  Stitch doesn’t believe for a second that SHARON is a violent murderer with the ability to control time, and he of all people is well aware that things aren’t always what they seem.  Not to mention that she’s supposed to have murdered two people she LIKED, and spared ABBY.  Stitch thinks he better keep guarding Abby since the real murderer is probably still out there.  Victoria agrees it’s better to be safe than sorry, and she doesn’t care much what Stitch does anyway.

 

Stitch and Abby go back to their buddy adventures so that Victoria and Billy can have another of their deep, meaningful, snowflake conversations about themselves which ends in them passionately kissing in front of God and everybody.

 

Adam gives Chelsea an impassioned speech where he admits he’s a big Jerk, but at least HE really loves Chelsea and is devoted to her, unlike that other jerk, Billy, who only cares about Victoria.  Chelsea runs off and catches stupid Billy and Victoria making out right in the middle of the damn club.  They don’t see her, because they’re too busy making out, of course.  So she goes straight to Adam’s penthouse, and basically says, DO ME!  HE DOES!  It’s obviously about way more than revenge for Chelsea in their sexy, deluxe love scene on the shag rug.  Shirtless Adam!  Rawr.  Chelsea immediately has lover’s remorse, but Adam says of course it happened.  They have an Undeniable Connection.  I mean, is there any other kind?

 

Joe’s paralyzed, because the show can’t tolerate his tallness and has sentenced him to a wheelchair.  (Watch out, Adam!) This means Avery needs to stay by his side every moment and make sure he eats his breakfast and such, because there’s nothing that turns Avery on like helplessness.  She also gets a total pass on pushing Joe off the balcony, because she’s not Sharon.  In fact, Sharon will probably get charged, because if Dylan hadn’t been at her house, then Avery wouldn’t have been playing kissy face on Joe’s balcony.  So now Sharon’s paralyzed Joe.  Hopefully nobody lets her get away with it!

 

Obviously, Avery is way too busy and noble to have anything to do with Sharon’s case, so in “some heroic, eleventh hour stuff,” Super Dylan gets Michael to take her case in the nick of time so she isn’t denied bail.  It’s pretty frickin’ hard to find a lawyer in this burg.  The thing is, Arch Villain Sharon is a proven flight risk, so the only way she can be allowed house arrest is if she has a guardian.  Michael sees his perfect opportunity to avoid Lauren!  He agrees to live in the cottage to keep her from escaping, but he’s safe from the wicked demoness since he can’t have sex anymore.

 

Summer and Kyle are just so relieved they don’t have to fear big, bad Sharon anymore.   I really see no point in going over things like “evidence” and “laws” and “reality” and “Nick” concerning this asinine story.

 

Chelsea goes home, and Billy admits he kissed Victoria.  But it was just because of some kind of SPELL they were under, you guys.  You know, the kind of spell after you spend all your time hanging out with someone, talking about how great your relationship was compared to those losers you’re dating now, and staring soulfully into each other’s eyes a lot, and then…I mean, it just HAPPENS.  But Billy totally regrets it, because he loves Chelsea and doesn’t want any secrets in his life.  He wants to marry HER and spend the next 60 years of his life with her, so I’m guessing that will include some kind of cryogenics. 

 

Chelsea decides not to tell Billy about her own spell.  Chelsea understands how people just, you know, get caught up in stuff like smoking hot sex.  We all need to be forgiven sometimes.  Hey, let’s solve our attraction to other people by getting married RIGHT AWAY! That always works!

 

Adam is happy to shove Sage’s divorce papers right back at her now that he’s finally bagged Chelsea.  But gentlemen don’t get into specifics.  Sage is still all up in arms about Adam lying about his identity to her BFF Chelsea.  She’s very smug about what will happen when Adam’s secret is discovered by Chelsea, as if it won’t affect her epic love story with her new boss. 

 

She leaves and makes more digs about persuasive Gabriel to Chelsea out in the hall.  She warns Chelsea against making any life changing decisions because Sage is wise and stuff for a woman whose life decisions include screwing her boss on his office couch and calling it a relationship and a career.  "And Gabriel is a force to be reckoned with.”  Chelsea feels guilty about reckoning with Gabe’s force.

 

It all works out for Sage, though, because when she gets to the club, her credit card’s been declined.  What a surprise, since she HAS NO MONEY.  But Hero Nick’s on hand to whip out his credit card, so she can be dependent on this loving jackass for a while and call it freedom.  And it’s okay, because she’s like this bright light shining in the darkness for Nick.  Because his life is super dark, you guys.  So the least he can do is put her up in a hotel.  They kiss.  #stillnodinner

 

Chelsea goes to Adam and says she just couldn’t tell Billy about all that force reckoning.  He understands, and blah blahs about her inspiring creativity and optimism that Billy just sucks right out of her.  Blah Victoria blah, don’t settle.  SHE’S NOT!  She’s marrying him ASAP!  Adam frowns angrily.  Nobody marries Billy after sex like that!!  This is the rest of their life they’re talking about here!!  Chelsea confesses that she saw Villy making out, so she was just lashing out at Billy.  But, but, he’s not going back to her, it was all just mistakes they made today.  She was just Acting Out and using him.  Let’s pretend it never happened. 

 

She walks out, right when Billy walks out of Adam’s other penthouse.  HEY, what were you doing over at GABE’S, Chelsea?  Shut up, Vicky Kisser.  They tell Gabe he just needs to accept their awesome relationship and engagement.  Adam shuts the door, and he looks like he’s really accepting it, if accepting means looking exceedingly murderous while drama drums play. 

 

Summer tries to let Kyle down easy, even after the amazing escape he’s provided for her lately.  But they spend too much time together.  Kyle pouts, but tries to save face.  Just call and he’ll come running.  He tries to leave, but NO, Kyle, DON’T GO!  Summer DOES need you in her life!  Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum hug.

 

Alas, Courtney’s necklace is found in Arch Villain Sharon’s trunk, because she leaves a lot of evidence lying around for a super criminal.  Noah turns on her, and she gets arrested for Courtney’s murder, too, despite the high frame rate in Genoa City, and its veritable frame culture, if you will.  But Super Dylan still believes in Sharon!!  Paul goes around sternly complaining about how everyone wants to deceive the police chief.  If Dylan keeps GOING ROGUE, Paul will throw him in jail!

 

Master Negotiator Jack moans and screams a lot about how he’ll never love Kelly, who isn’t even around.  HE’LL NEVER CHOOSE YOU, KELLY!!!!  He gives in a little bit, hoping he can just talk to Kelly like they used to, even though he's just talking to himself.  It gets bad enough that Ghost John has to show up and school him for playing into Victor’s hands.  Even if Jackie escapes those bonds, he’ll still be imprisoned by his Victor feud.  Deep.

 

Neil sobers up to go to trial, and he doesn’t want any help from scumbag Devon.  He does accept a handshake from Cane.  Christine still hates Nikki a lot.

 

Hilary keeps up her seduction of super assistant prosecutor Winston Mobley, and puts on a dress cut down to her navel to go the trial.

 

Joe gets super crabby and tries to get rid of stupid Avery, but that’s never going to work.  He just wants to be left alone, dammit. He has NOTHING TO OFFER YOU!!!   Dylan and Avery go to Crimson Lights for maudlin conversation about how they understand each other’s savior complex issues. 

 

Poor, paralyzed Joe shouts at Doc Bart about how life pretty much sucks now. He can live without his legs, but not without Avery, who he just threw out.  She comes back by lunch time, of course.  Doc Bart tells her in the hallway that the right person can make ALL the difference.  Well, that’s music to Savior Avery’s ears.  I think I’ll just call her Savery.

 

Doppel Jack and Phyllis come back to town so he can act super weird and blasé about the ongoing battle with Victor.  Doppel Jack don’t care.  Doppel Jack don’t give a shit.  Well, Billy and Ashley sure do.  This company is their life’s work!  Depending on how you define “work.”  Doppel Jack reminds them that it’s his company, his call, and life’s too short for this lame corporate rivalry.  Later, losers!

 

Leslie goes balls to the wall against Christine on the stand.  Chris is clearly some crazed woman who got in a fight with Paul, and then ran out into the path of the car, and then wanted to keep blaming Nikki Newman because she’s a jealous shrew.  Leslie can victim blame like a pro.  Will it work?  Chris has to leave because she can’t listen to Neil and freaking NIKKI on the stand.  Paul will stay and testify.  Do it for Chris, Paul.  What could go wrong?

 

Win brings his own  shittiness to bear and accuses Nikki and Neil of being just a couple of drunks out for a lark, who didn’t care WHO got in their way!  Lily gets pissed and jumps up and bitches at Win, and Victor stands up and declares that he cannot speak to his wife that way.  Because that’s how trials work. 

 

Real Jack deliriously blathers about Kelly and Phyllis, and Ghost John comes back because he’ll appear if Jackie just admits he needs him.  He does, Ghost Dad, he does!  Then there’s hope for Jackie yet. 

 

Billy and Ashley go to the club to be confused and angry about the new Doppel Jack’s bullshit, like maybe selling out to Victor.  Ashley says he’s forgotten that this is a FAMILY business, and a FAMILY does what it has to do!  She means it, you guys!  They’re going to have rise up as a family and remove Jack as CEO!

 

Neil takes the stand and admits he was drunk and didn’t want to go to the AA meeting.  Then Devon gets to have an outburst.  It’s only fair.  Neil calmly gives his testimony and takes full responsibility.  It was nothing but his own sickness.  Paul ponders.  Nikki purses her lips.  Leslie calls Mrs. Neil Winters to the stand.  She stands up in the back, in her boobage dress, and horny, clueless Win, is like, OOOOMG!!!  Hilary smirks like a cat while swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

 

Savery demands that Joe EAT.  She means it, young man.

 

Doppel Jack tells Phyllis that he’s done taking the high road and staying out of the muck with Victor.  He hacked Newman’s and Jabot’s servers to get Victor’s secret weapon.  “Let’s just say Victor’s convinced things are going to work out one way…and I know they’re going another,” he smirks.  So either Doppel Jack’s decided to double cross Victor and just go ahead and BE Jack Abbott, since it’s a pretty sweet deal?  Or this is part of the plan.  I don’t care.

 

Ghost John gives Real Jack an inspirational speech about Houdini.  He never gave up, he never used strength.  He used agility, flexibility, and patience.  And then he fucking died.  Ghost John says to "make like Houdini."  He talks Jack through a magical ability to just slide out of his restraints.  Easy Peasy.  Should I say this is stupid?  Is that even necessary?  Seriously, I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS UP.   Jack’s FREE!  He opens the door into bright daylight and is SHOCKED BY SOMETHING.   Maybe he’s trapped on an island of doppelgangers, or an island of Kellys, or he ended up on Passions.  Stay tuned to find out!

[PatsyandEddie]

I think I’ll just call her Savery.

 

HAHAHA! This is awesome!

 

Thanks Peach! Hope your life has calmed down! 

[Snaporaz]

Your son's name wouldn't happen to be Bobby, would it? And he didn't happen to bring home a cursed tiki doll, did he?

Thanks for powering through your bruised eyeball pain and handing us all these gems! There are too many to count, as usual. Glad you're feeling better.

Yeech...anything having to do with eyes freaks me out. My parents each had cataract surgery this winter, and that made me queasy. Just reading "bruised eyeball" makes me want to put on safety goggles!

Wasn't Victor talking about swinging pendulums recently? That means your family is due for a major upswing! Bonus!

Edited April 25, 2015 by Snaporaz

[peacheslatour]

So happy to see you peach!

[NinjaPenguins]

You clearly didn't bruise your recap muscle, peach! Top shelf, as always.

[Slowpokey]

Awesome recaps Peach Thanks so much. Hope everything is a lot better for you and your family.

[MollyB]

It's official.  I will never watch this show unless I have Peach sitting with me and commenting as it goes.  Amazing that a woman with an injury, working a job, raising and worrying about her kids can write BETTER THAN YOU, PRATT!

[msblossom]

^^^I second that, MollyB!

PEACH FOR THE WIN!!

ETA: Glad to hear you're on the mend and that you and your son are alright.

Take it easy, Peach. :)

Edited April 26, 2015 by msblossom

[peach]

Tue, Apr 21   A Consummate Waste Of Time

 

Jack makes like Houdini and gets out of his restraints, swings open the door, and is SHOCKED to see…KELLY, with a flower in her hair, AND A BASEBALL BAT.  Well, it’s more like a souvenir bat from souvenir bat night at the Cardinals game, but it’s still made of WOOD.  “You’ve been a bad, bad boy,” she says, and swings it over her head.  CLUNK!  Jack must have a really hard head.

 

Meanwhile, Doppel Jack is smoothing his hair in the mirror like the cock of the walk.  Phyllis really wonders what’s going on with this hacking thing, etc, but why talk when Doppel Jack wants to kiss you and shut you up.

 

Billy and Ashley bicker about how weird Doppel Jack is acting and why.  She says it’s like he WANTED to get caught hacking those servers.  Could it be…could it be the pills again??  Ashley doesn’t know, but the sooner they get him out of Jabot and into rehab, the better.  “The better for YOU, you mean,” smirks Billy.  Is this is a power play for her to gain control of the company?

 

Winston Mobley stares down Hilary Curtis WINTERS on the witness stand, looking like he’s going to puke.  He suddenly jumps up and stammers for a recess.  Everyone’s like wth?  Hilary smirks.  I think Win might cry.  Leslie says she’s NEVER seen him rattled before!

 

Hilary waits in the hallway, smiling slyly.  Devon comes out and confronts her about this whole recess thing.  Hilary says maybe Mobley is reconsidering his whole case.  He calls.  “You wanna tell me what the hell you’re up to, ANN?  Or should I call you MRS. WINTERS!”  Win whines about how Hilary forced him into bed with her sexy hips.  Does she want this trial thrown out or something?

 

Win thought he’d seen his share of vicious predators in this job, but Hilary takes the cake!  Hilary’s like, congratulations for being stupid enough to fall for it, Win.  And you better not recuse yourself.  And Hilary is VERY serious!  But she’s not very QUIET, because Devon is lurking around, eavesdropping. 

 

Victor’s just glad this hasn’t been too hard on his Baby.

 

Phyllis is starting to get a little weirded out by insatiable Doppel Jack.  She loves feeling like hormone crazed teenagers, but this seems like he just doesn’t want to answer questions.  He is not acting normal about Victor!  Oh, come on, he’s fiiiine.  Doppel Jack's NOT going to prison for cyber theft.  TRUST HIM.  Okay, but Billy and Ashley won’t.

 

Ashley doesn’t know what’s worse, Jack going to trial, or Jack cutting a deal with Victor and being his puppet.  Billy says what if it’s some strategy to beat Victor at his own game!  Kid walked by and said why don’t they just hire an assassin to get rid of Victor?  He’s thinking $25,000 tops, but I have no idea where he’s getting his figures.  Ashley says he sure didn’t fill them in on it, then.  It hits Billy that they’re talking about JACK like they usually talk about VICTOR.  “And that is so not good,” says erudite Ashley.

 

Phyllis calls Billy and invites them over for celebration cocktails.  Abby and Kyle are coming over, too.  Billy’s like, okay, whatever, you’re both acting like weirdos.  Ashley thinks this is their opportunity!  They love Jack so much, but it’s time to make hard decisions that put Ashley in charge.  Phyllis hangs up, and hopes Doppel Jack is okay with this idea.  Sure, she’s his queen, he’s her slave. He mauls her again, and Phyllis is really starting to get unnerved by sex crazed Doppel Jack.

 

Kelly has Real Jack all restrained and gagged again, because she's super strong like Sharon, but she doesn’t know he’s Houdini now.  She’s a little DISAPPOINTED that Jack is giving her all this trouble, when she’s DOING all this for his happiness!  She had to hit him with a bat for his own good.  She HATES that he’s making her resort to violence!  But Kelly smiles and says she’ll do everything in her power to forgive him.  When she thought Stitch killed her dad, she managed to forgive HIM.  Not her mom, though.  Kelly has her limits, you guys.

 

Kelly prances around while we hear Jack’s thoughts that he can’t wait to get out of there and home to his wife, while Kelly rots here in some pit for the criminally insane for the rest of her miserable life!  Kelly giggles about the temper in his eyes.  It might take her a while to convince him they belong together, but she’s in no hurry.  They have the rest of their lives!

 

Victor looks at his watch and says this is a consummate waste of time.  Word.  Paul doesn’t know what’s going on, but Winston Mobley is used to getting what he wants.  Too bad he wanted Hilary.  Nikki tries to be compassionate to Paul, but he pisses all over that.  The ONLY thing that will bring Christine PEACE is if Neil’s found guilty.  Nothing less will do, he snaps.

 

Lily scolds Neil for making the state’s case FOR them.  Hey, he swore he would tell the truth, assholes.  He did it for Paul and Christine. “Well, what about US?” bitches Lily.  She also hates Hilary testifying for the defense.  Neil thinks she’s trying to clear her conscience.  “She doesn’t HAVE a conscience,” notes Lily.  She tells Devon recess is over, so he has to come back in with the grownups.  He keeps watching Hilary.

 

Win hisses that he HAS to do the right thing and step down!  He had sex with a defense witness!  EXACTLY.  And as soon as he explains why he’s stepping down, it will take one nanosecond for that to make the news and for his political career to be OVER.  “ALL of your ambitions TRASHED,” says Hilary.  Court resumes, and bummed out Win asks to approach the bench.  He wants to propose a plea deal.  He and Leslie negotiate in half whispers, and everyone in the courtroom wonders what is going on.

 

Kelly tells Jack she had a long, long time to think after he dumped her for that redheaded menace.  It pains her to say these things.  “But that woman is trash!  Filth!  Frankly, there are PIGS that are cleaner than Phyllis!”  Wow.  Harsh.  Jack argues with her in his mind, while he glares at her.
Kelly:  For a brief moment, when we were together, you knew what it was like to be FREE of her!
Jack’s Mind:  My life without Phyllis was HELL.  Except for all that Italian sex and Vivaldi.
Kelly:  You finally had a woman worthy of you.  A lady.
Jack’s Mind:  A crayzeee lady!  If I’d had any idea who you were, I’d have run for the hills!
Kelly:  Blah blah it was so exciting when we were talking about getting married.  Even Summer thought so.
Jack’s Mind:  Summer barely tolerated you!  I should have listened to her selfish whining while I had the chance!
Kelly:  Back then, you thought Summer was your daughter.  She meant so much to you.  After so much loss, I felt like I had a family again, and it healed me!  Like I healed you!
Jack’s Mind:  You call this healing?!
Kelly:  All that pain and suffering happened for a reason.  Because it led us to each other.  We were meant to fall in love, Jack!
Jack’s Mind:  It was loneliness and desperation.  Phyllis was ALWAYS there, ALWAYS between us.  And she still is!

 

Kelly gets out a photo of Phyllis and says she HYPNOTIZED Jack into following her.  She starts tearing Phyllis’ photo into little pieces.  “It’s all over now, Jack.  I’ve rescued you!”

 

Kyle and Abby show up at the mansion and chit chat with Phyllis about how awesome Kyle is for slobbering over Summer, and they run Sharon down for a bit, and then Billy and Ashley show up to be stern and disapproving.  I guess Kyle’s filling in for Stitch tonight.  Abby’s like what’s with all the tension?  Well, it’s highly confidential, but Jack is the corporate hacker at Jabot AND Newman!  Wait, what?!  And Abby’s DAD knows about this?  Yep, and he’s gonna file charges!  Ashley says they want Jack to step down as CEO.

 

Doppel Jack walks in.  “Wow!  Good luck with that,” he jokes, chomping on a stick of celery like saucy Bugs Bunny.  Eh, what’s up, Abbotts?  Billy and Ashley squint in disbelief.

 

Leslie announces that her client has accepted the terms of the plea bargain and pleads guilty to some kind of homicide by negligence and battery of an unborn child.  He gets two years probation, community service, AA meetings, etc.  Nothing, basically.  Paul freaks out!  “You can’t DO that!” he hisses at Win.  Looks like he can.  Paul storms out. 

 

Devon looks over at Hilary in consternation, while she looks like the cat that swallowed the canary.  Everyone is super surprised.  Victor compliments Neil on not letting Nikki take the blame.  “And since JackAbbott did not make a beeline for your services after you regained your eyesight, I’m offering you an executive position at Newman.”  Neil says thanks, but no.  Nikki hugs him and says she’ll see him at a meeting.

 

Devon holds his hand out, and Neil hesitates, but finally shakes his hand.  And then he hugs him.  Kid 2 sits down and says, “Scum.”  Lol  Beat me to it.  Paul storms out.  Chris is gonna be soooo pissed, you guys!  But it’s not like they can’t still sue the crap out of him. 

 

Victor and Nikki walk out behind him.  “So, Victor, are you the reason Neil just got away with murder?”  Victor frowns.  Paul’s clearly being impertinent.  Kid 2 asks how many people Victor’s actually killed.  I said I think two, and Nikki’s got a couple under her belt, too.  I think they’ve killed four people between them?  But I’m not an historian.  He laughed in surprise.  “Does everyone know?”  Yes.  Yes, they do. 

 

Kelly’s getting weepy and maudlin and starts talking about Sam.  She used to tell him when something bad happened, just think of it as a story…put it away, and you never have to think of it again.  That sounds healthy.  “Just hide all your problems, and they’ll never come back to you, ever,” says Kid 2.  “That’s what Phyllis is,” says Kelly, “a HORROR story that’s finally come to an end.  From now on, the only story we’re going to be telling is our own.”  She strokes Jack’s face and leaves.   Jack’s like WWWWWTF?

 

Abby says none of this is making sense.  Doppel Jack smiles and says this was SUPPOSED to be a cocktail party, but apparently it’s his going away party.  Blah blah he’s going to make deals with Victor and casually do whatever because he’s over the feud.  Billy cries that he’s making a deal with the DEVIL.  No offense, Abbs.  That’s it, he’ll have to take Ashley’s side on this.  Jack should step down as CEO.   Okay, you’re fired, Billy.

 

Everyone freaks out.  He’s overreacting!  Whatever, it's Doppel Jack’s way or the highway.  “Billy has to get with the times.  You all do.”  The times that started five seconds ago.  The war with Victor Newman is over, because Doppel Jack called a truce.  “You damn well know Victor hasn’t!” cries Ashley.  Big deal, he’ll make a deal and it’ll be over.  Billy and Ashley are utterly in shock, and then Doppel Jack makes them all vom while he slobbers all over his sexy bride some more.  Billy asks Phyllis if this seems NORMAL to her??  She takes a deep breath and says she’s happy that Jack’s happy. 

 

Billy’s had it.  “HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE MAD?  I’m not gonna let Jabot crumble because you wanna play nice with Victor!  And I’m certainly not going to let you put our Dad’s legacy at risk!”  Jack smirks.  So what does Kyle think? Umm, his whole life Jack’s badgered him that Jabot was in their blood.  “Now you’re telling us we should chill?  And let whatever happens, happen?”  Yeah, no.  Abby would love for Jabot and Newman to join forces and live happily ever after.  But she doesn’t believe in fairy tales, and neither does her dad!

 

“Well, there’s your answer,” Doppel Jack says to Phyllis.  “They’re all TRAITORS.  Get the hell out of my house!” he orders, stalking off.  Collective GASP!  “ALL OF YOU!  GET OUT!  NOW!”  They all confusedly shuffle out the door.  Um, doesn’t Ashley LIVE THERE?  “You haven’t heard the last of this!” she snaps.

 

So, hey, does Phyllis want to go play tennis?  “Jack…you just threw your family out of our house…?”  Yeah, they asked for it.  “Because they’re scared to death you’re going to make a deal with Victor!  It’s a valid concern considering what he’s capable of!” Doppel Jack thinks Victor’s capable of lots of great stuff, like getting her out of a coma and keeping Kelly away from them!  Is this about repayment?  Maybe.  He takes her face in his hands.  “On the plane, you said you would support me.  That you were on MY side, that you were with ME.  Did you mean that?”  Phyllis is confused.  That’s the kind of shit SHE says.  “Always,” she says.  Good.

 

Real Jack struggles against his restraints.  I guess he forgot all about that Houdini patience, because now he’s trying to reach and struggle to get to the souvenir bat.  Not sure how that’s going to help.  Suddenly he hears a VIOLIN.  AAAAHHHH!  It’s freaking VIVALDI.  Kelly walks in wearing sexy, black lingerie.  It’s time to let the music take him back.  Jack rolls his eyes.

 

Victor says “to answer your impertinent question," Paul, he had nothing to do with the ADA’s decision.  Ha!  I told you Paul was being impertinent!  They argue.  “Paul, I’m so sorry—“  “SAVE IT, NIKKI!”  Paul stomps off.   Victor promises Nikki he had nothing to do with the plea bargain.  “He is becoming outrageous!” complains Victor.

 

Paul yells at Win.  They agreed not to put a deal on the table!!  Chris made that more than clear.  Win claims the case was going against them.  What Winters did was an accident.  “WHO got to you?” shouts Paul.  Not that evil vixen, Hilary, that’s for sure.  Paul promises professional retribution from Christine, because that’s how she rolls.  Win is sad.

 

Hilary starts to leave now that her work here is done, but Devon confronts her.  She got to Mobley somehow, didn’t she?  “I told you.  I’d DO ANYTHING to help Neil.”  So she did the ADA?  “You used him, just like you used me,” whines Devon.  Now he never has to look at her face again!  He starts to walk off, but Hilary cries, “It’s NOT THE SAME!  It was never the same.”

 

What?  Tell desperate Devon more.  “You slept with him to get what you want.  How is that any different?”  It’s different because…SHE LOVED YOU!  SHE..STILL…LOVES YOU!  Devon weakens because he's pathetic.

 

Lily holds up a chocolate cupcake at Crimson Lights to make a toast.  “To truth and justice.  Long may they prevail!”  Like Lily eats food.  Cane says Neil can finally go back to living his life.  Yaaaay.  Cane and Lily get coffee, and Neil asks Leslie WHAT happened in that courtroom?  Did Devon bribe him or something?  Leslie says Win wouldn’t risk his aspirations that way, because we all know politicians NEVER take bribes, y’all.  Neil wonders if it was BLACKMAIL!  Maybe Victor did something?!  Leslie says take this gift and run with it. “The fewer questions you ask, the better.  Leslie is smart.

 

The rejected Abbotts gather at the club to lick their wounds.  Abby wonders if they’re ALL fired, or just Billy.  Cuuuz she really doesn’t want to be fired.  Well, Kyle doesn’t even work.  Ashley says no one is leaving.  She’s calling a board meeting.  If Jack won’t leave willingly, they will vote him out! 

 

Kelly climbs all over Real Jack.  He’s thinking, OMG, what psycho shit is she doing now?  She really wants to hear him say how much he wants her, so she’s taking his gag off if he PROMISES not to say anything hurtful!  Okay, okay.  She pulls it off, and this time Jack manages not to blurt out that he only loves Phyllis.  They start kissing.  Maybe Jack will actually get away without a club to the noggin this time.

 

Victor meets Minion in the confessional again.   He is not happy with Minion at all because he came back two days earlier than he was supposed to.  It’s Doppel Jack of course.  There’s pretty much zero reason to be meeting in hospital confessionals but whatever.  Victor will not be disobeyed again, you got that?  Yeah, yeah.  Minion’ll show’em who’s boss.

[movinon]

 

Kid 2 asks how many people Victor’s actually killed.  I said I think two, and Nikki’s got a couple under her belt, too.  I think they’ve killed four people between them?  But I’m not an historian.  He laughed in surprise.  “Does everyone know?”  Yes.  Yes, they do.

Kid 2, huh?  No wonder your recaps are so awesome - you have lots of help.  Thanks for getting back to these so quickly - you amaze me.  And I love those kids, nothing like them to keep life interesting.  My youngest grand-kid is 20 now, but I keep an adorable great grand-daughter.  If you start early enough, you live to get there. lol

[Runningwild]

Hi. I've had an incredibly stressful week. I got injured at work, resulting in some bad headaches (will be okay), and Kid totaled his car (he is also okay.). Y&R way down the list. Sorry!

Okay, your week sounds worse. Sorry! Hope it's better this week.

[miamama]

Glad you're back Peach! Recaps brilliant as always. :-)

[peach]

Wed, 4/22/15   Exclamation Point!

 

The Abbotts sit at the club and complain and wonder about Doppel Jack causing so much trouble.  Kyle is pretty sure he at least still has a place to live.  Ashley is calling an emergency, Traci approved, board meeting to vote Jack out as CEO.  Stitch shows up, but Billy says he isn’t welcome at this Jabot FAMILY discussion in the middle of the club.  He and Billy argue, and Abby takes him aside and explains that Jack fired Billy, and now Ashley wants to force Jack out.  It really is an Abbott FAMILY crisis, so since Stitch can’t be joined to Abby’s hip, he decides to go “discuss things” with Victoria.  I’m surprised he remembers where she lives.

 

Billy demands everyone be on his side because he got fired.  Kyle won’t vote against his dad, which is commendable, I suppose, but in the next breath he expects Abby to vote with him against her mother.  Shut up, Kyle!  Billy says, “You’re an IDIOT, exclamation point!”  Surprisingly, that doesn’t bring Kyle around to Billy’s side.  Billy and Ashley insist that Jack isn’t thinking clearly, and this is the BEST THING for Jabot AND Jack.  They leave, Abby’s conflicted, Kyle’s a pouty brat.

 

Victor materializes in Victoria’s living room, which even freaks HER out.  He came by with presents for Johnny and Katherine because their father sucks.  Blah blah, he wants to make CERTAIN Victoria is fully committed to Newman Enterprises.  She’s said she was before, but then she just runs off every time she gets angry with him.   Victoria apologizes for LETTING VICTOR DOWN in the past.  I guess like that time she let him down when he arrested her on her wedding day and caused her miscarriage.  But she won’t do it again, Daddy. 

 

Great, because he adores Victoria for being the most like him, and he wants to leave her all of Newman Enterprises one day, as long as SHE promises to leave it all to Katherine, since she’s a real Newman.  Johnny can eat shit and die, I guess.  He’ll probably grow up to be the next bitter Adam in a few years.   Victoria smiles and says it always comes down to the Newmans vs the Abbotts, even when you adopt one of their substandard children.  “You’re getting my drift,” says Victor.  No prob, Dad. 

 

Victor gets really nosy about who Victoria has pillow talk with.  She admits Stitch has been staying at the club to protect Abby, because he’s not convinced Sharon is the killer.  OF COURSE SHE IS!!  Too bad, Nick has a blind spot for the evil succubus.  Victor hopes Sweetheart doesn’t have a blind spot for that loser degenerate, Billyboy Abbott.  Vicky’s had enough of ALL the men in her life, loser degenerates and otherwise.  Stitch walks in.  “I guess I’m otherwise.”  Awkward.

 

Krazy Kelly opens a bottle of champagne for Jack and herself.  Enough is enough, he’s denied himself too much pleasure since That Woman, Phyllis, got her hooks in him. She forces Jack to drink some, and honestly, I actually felt afraid for him this time.  He finally tries to go along with Kelly’s romantic insanity.  He pleads confusion when he woke up, and he couldn’t let himself believe she was really alive.  He overplays it a bit, and she still doesn’t trust him because he blathered way too much about PHYLLIS before.

 

Anyway, Kelly has a surprise for Jack, her bedroom fabric swatches that she’s been keeping under her pillow!  Does Jack REMEMBER the magical hours they spent in bed?  Jack goes for it, he remembers all the sexy times and making her back arch, and arch, and ARCH, you guys!  Untie him and he can arch it some MORE.  She almost does it, but NO.  Jack HURT her, and he’ll have to PROVE his love to her.  Kelly goes on a rant and swears again that she didn’t do any of that crazy stuff like emptying gas tanks, or switching hotel rooms, or stuffing wigs in purses, or poisoning TEA!  It was all that evil Phyllis!  I still don’t know who to believe on that one.

 

Doppel Jack is cocky and sauve and is drinking the hard stuff himself.  One kiss from Phyllis, and she knows it.  She panics, but he brushes it off in casual, Doppel Jack style.  Don’t be a killjoy, Phyllis.  Doppel Jack LOVES his life right now, he won’t do anything to screw it up.

 

Phyllis tries to plead Billy’s case, but Doppel Jack can’t even.  “When I think of all the times Billyboy screwed up and expected his big brother to clean things up…this is the thanks I get?”  Doppel Jack values ONE THING above all else, and that is LOYALTY.  “You have a funny way of showing it,” snipes Billy, walking in with the Abbott clan.  “Well, if it isn’t my traitorous family!  Are you here to apologize?” smirks Doppel Jack.  Nope.  They’ve spoken to the rest of the board, and he can either leave gracefully, or fight it.  “But either way, you’re out,” says Billy.  PHYLLIS GASPS!  Doppel Jack grins.

 

Ashley assures Jack they have the majority of the votes to kick him out.  Except for Kyle’s.  Billy says it doesn’t have to be this way.  He just has to step down.  “Oh, that’s all?  I step down, you step up? Yeah, sure, I’m gonna do that, Bill.”  Bill??  Billy’s practically sputtering. “What the hell is the matter with you?!”  He’s glad their Dad isn’t around to see Jack trashing the legacy he left them!  “How dare you?” snaps Phyllis.  Jack got this company where it is while Billy was busy running around gambling, and womanizing, and drinking!  He took on Victor, and Kay, and Tucker McCall, and now Billy comes in here wanting to take it over??

 

Geez, Phyllis!  The last thing Billy wants is to be in CHARGE of something.  Ashley says they’re trying to STOP JACK from doing something he’ll regret!  Phyllis accuses them of just trying to get the company for themselves.  “This is none of your business!” cries Ashley.  Everyone bickers!  Doppel Jack tells everyone to cool their jets, and says he’ll talk to Phyllis and then meet up with them in Ashley’s office.  See ya in an hour.  Phyllis really hopes Doppel Jack has a plan.  “Oh, Red, I always have a plan.”

 

Kelly asks Real Jack what his plan is.  He’s going to tell her a love story while she pounds down champagne.  He starts with Mr. Hinkle flashbacks.  It makes me sad to see Kelly be pretty and normal.  I had high hopes for Kelly, you guys.  It’s kind of funny when we hear Flashback Kelly say she falls in the category of “boring.”  Real Jack says he had no idea she was so much MORE.  Ha.

 

Discreet Stitch drops it to Victor and Victoria that Jack actually fired that useless Billyboy Abbott.  Wouldn’t surprise Stitch if there was a change at the top real soon.  “Yeaaah, wouldn’t surprise me, either,” says Victor.  He leaves.

 

Stitch and Victoria break up with zero fanfare and even less explanation as to how it’s over for this stage 5 clinger who was obsessed enough with Special Snowflake that it cost him his medical career and made him throw his mom under the bus.  They just chalk it up to Tequila Night.  Victoria tries scrunching up her face, but she totally doesn’t even cry.  So that’s the end of that.

 

Abby is really distraught about her “schizo family.”  Uncle Jack’s reverted to his playboy ways, and now BILLY is the one with his head screwed on right?!  It's very confusing!!  Kyle tells her she’s either with him or against him.  Shut up, Kyle!  Abby’s not on anyone’s side.  She’s OUT. 

 

Phyllis says Jack’s family is who drove him back to the bottle.  Pfft.  “I don’t need booze OR pills to beat my little brother or sister.  I am John Abbott, Jr.  My father gave me that name and everything that goes with it, because he wanted me to lead his company and family, and nothing’s going to stop me,” says Doppel Jack arrogantly.  Phyllis thinks it’s hot, but she’s worried about the press having a field day over Jack getting ousted.  It will make the company vulnerable to a hostile takeover from Victor!  Doppel Jack knows just what to do.

 

Now Kelly wants to hear the story/flashback about when Real Jack left for Georgia to break up with comatose Phyllis.  He kept his promise to come back to her!  “You loved me,” whimpers Kelly like a five year old.  “I still do, Kelly.  I still do,” whispers Jack.  Now untie him.  She throws her champagne in his face and laughs!!  What the hell did she do THAT for?!  He was telling her a LOVE story, not a throw champagne in his face story!  “Yeah, well, I remember how it ended!  That Bizarro Sleeping Beauty woke up and ruined everything!!” cries Kelly.

 

“Yeah, and you know who made THAT happen?!  VICTOR NEWMAN.  The man you trust, and the man behind the curtain!”  Jack tells her another story about how Victor used his poor, sick wife, Patti, in a scheme that ended up with Traci’s daughter DYING.  Colleen is dead, and VICTOR wasn’t punished…he ended up with HER HEART!  And Patti is stuck behind bars in an institution for the criminally insane!  How’s THAT for a fairy tale?

 

That’s where KELLY will end up, unless she turns the tables on Victor herself!  Sweet revenge is so much tastier than champagne!  Kelly frowns at her glass.  I don’t know, Kelly really likes champagne.  But Jack says he can help her!  They can beat Victor, TOGETHER!  She starts to untie Jack..but she stops.  Kelly’s confused!  This feels like she’s losing control!  She..she has to think about all this.  She runs off leaving poor Jack alone in the dark.

 

Stitch scolds Abby for being in the club bar without an appropriate bodyguard!  Well, the family meeting turned into a Battle Royale, but with less shocking violence, darn it.  So she left.  Stitch understands family drama, amirite?  Abby just wishes they could all get along.   Stitch says he is done pretending things were okay with Victoria.  They’re over.  Oh, noes!  Was it awful?  Was there ugly crying and breaking stuff?!  Cuz that’s how Abby does it.  He claims Vicky was heartbroken.  Ha.  Stitch is feeling good, though.  Good enough to grab Abby and start making out with her at the bar.  He’s got a shorter turn around time than Billy.  And he doesn't need tequila to get down with Abby.

 

Doppel Jack and Phyllis show up at the lab to meet with Billy, Ashley, and Kyle.  Then VICTOR arrives with his smug, little toady, Victoria.  How did HE get in here?!  Doppel Jack assures them that HE let them in.  Billy and Ashley are disgusted!  There are RESTRICTIONS for who can be in there!  “And those restrictions no longer apply to either Victoria or me,” says Victor.  And why the hell not? 

 

Doppel Jack will answer that.  “Because Victor and I are partners.”  GASP OF ALL GASPS!!  Victor and Victoria smugly smirk.  Bloodsuckers!  There’s your trustworthy snowflake princess, Billy.

 

She takes him aside and says she’s as surprised by this partnership as Billy is.  But, hey, if Jack’s okay with it…  “Right now, Jack would give away the company for ham sandwich!” cries Billy.  But he hopes Vic would see things more clearly.  She totally does. She sees being in charge of all you Abbott rubes super clearly, Billy. 

 

“Tell me this is a joke,” says Ashley.  No, this is actually the plot now.  “It’s not a joke, it’s a legitimate merger,” says Victor.  Ashley says they can’t be serious.  “It’s very serious.  I’m dropping the charges against Jack for cyber theft.”  So, Jack’s just doing this to save himself.  How classy, says Billy.  Blah blah, Doppel Jack extols the praises of TGVN and how he saved his life, and made Kelly confess, and brought Phyllis back, etc.  Victor’s the greatest thing ever.  Doppel Jack thinks he’s an ally, not an enemy.  A photographer shows up just then to get a shot of them shaking hands with a grin.  It’s official, or something.

 

So, the Jabot board approves who the CEO is, but they don’t approve corporate mergers.   That’s not how this works.  That’s not how any of this works.

[movinon]

 

Victoria apologizes for LETTING VICTOR DOWN in the past.  I guess like that time she let him down when he arrested her on her wedding day and caused her miscarriage.  But she won’t do it again, Daddy.

It drives me crazy that everybody seems to forget this.  I find I still hate Victor, even when EB is doing a decent job with his lines.  Great recap - Peach.  I've been mostly offline for a few days - round the clock baby right now.  Hope everything is getting better for you.

[Slowpokey]

Thank you Peach!

[peacheslatour]

 

“Tell me this is a joke,” says Ashley.  No, this is actually the plot now. 

Yikes! Ha ha, the joke is on us, the idiots that keep watching this dreck.  At least that's how it seems TPTB think of us.

[peach]

Thur, 4/23/15  PART ONE:  Fresh Hell

 

Abby and Stitch have been happily going at it all night and morning, so Stabby is on fiah now.  I guess it’s morally reprehensible or something… well, more like garden variety trashy, but whatever.  Sticky was boring.  They knew it and we knew it.

 

There’s no end to Doppel Jack’s madness as he dons a purple paisley tie to chat with  Ashley in the lab about this super great new merger.  She hopes he’ll tell her what this is about, because the only alternative is that he’s lost touch with reality.  Hey, Ash, Doppel Jack loves and respects you and all, but either you’re with him, or you’re against him.  Maybe you should just quit.  Victor and shadow toady Victoria walk in.  “Ashley is the best in the business.  You don’t want to lose her any more than I do,” scolds Victor.  Get with the program, Minion.  Who do you think’s going to do all the work around there?

 

Billy pouts at the penthouse while looking at the news.  It’s really true.  Jack made a deal with Victor on purpose.  He says the only explanation is pod people.  So that’s who’s writing this show?  Chelsea’s wearing a cute, navy fit’n’flare dress, and I might need to own her leather bag.  Blah blah, this isn’t about the Abbotts losing Jabot, it’s about his brother losing his soul, you guys.

 

Billy can’t turn his back on the revered family business, and Ashley can’t fight Victor alone.  They need allies!  Well, Jill is definitely pissed about what’s happened to Jabot and especially Billy!  Just kidding, Jill's still invisible.  Times are so tough that Billy actually wants help from Chelsea’s super fan, Gabriel.  This is his big shot to be her hero, and he’s AWOL?  Like, WTH?  Did she turn him down too many times, or what?  Awkward. I guess he’s off plotting or pouting (plouting?) somewhere.

 

Stammer, stammer, blah.  Let’s not talk about hot, sexy Gabriel.  Great, Billy has to go find a way to circle the wagons.  He leaves, and Chelsea tries to call Gabe for what is apparently the tenth time.  She gasp talks a voicemail about needing him…um, professionally, of course.  Just, please…come home, Gabriel.  And don’t bring a shirt.  “Who was that?” asks a voice.  IT’S GLORIA.  Well, that’s a surprise.

 

Kyle runs into Phyllis at the club, where she’s looking at the same photo online of Victor and Doppel Jack  (Vack?) shaking hands.  She says it’s like looking at the Loch Ness Monster.  Phyllis wonders if it’s her fault since she dragged Victor into their Kelly problems, etc.  They became a bizarre little team, and now this happened. 

 

She tells Kyle about the added weirdness of Jack drinking again.  They worry about that and this insane instamerger.  Flustered Kyle wonders if there’s some kind of endgame they don’t know about?!  Phyllis says Jack implied there was.  So they have to trust him!  Fine, he’ll go along even though he doesn’t even LIKE YOU, Phyllis.  She’s glad, because if the rest of the family doesn’t just roll over for this insanity, Jack will be so pissed off that they don’t trust his vision!

 

Doppel Jack claims he doesn’t want his sister to be unhappy working with the Newmans.  Ashley says through gritted teeth that she’s incredibly happy.  Victor notes that she’s oozing sarcasm right now, but he hopes she’ll really become happy.  Sure.  Ashley is quietly furious as they all go in her office to see the new Newman-Abbott logo, while he sits in her chair.  It almost makes her vomit.  Also, no mention of “Jabot.”  Thanks, Victor.  It hurts me to admit Victoria looks amazing in her teal, form-fitting sheath dress.  They mean girl snark at each other, but Doppel Jack ignores them in favor of his phone.

 

Ashley assures Victor that she can put aside her yucky history with Victoria to work together, because that’s what adults do.  Great, but she won’t be working WITH Victoria, she’ll be working FOR Victoria.  Victoria makes a disgusting little gloating smile.  Ashley punches her in the throat!  Not really.  But she was imagining it.

 

Stabby giggle and pillow talk about how they HATED each other and Abby was a total brat and was always calling him a murderer, ha ha ha.  She was so annoying but sexy so it was all good.  Mmm, kiss kiss.  Should they talk about Victoria?  Nah, it was a mutual breakup so who cares.  I mean, besides her being YOUR SISTER.  Gosh darn it, they have jobs to get to.  “We better get to work and see what fresh hell awaits us,” jokes Abby.  It’s hell in a teal blue dress.

 

Victor explains that Victoria is now COO, and yes, Ashley will be reporting to HER, she says triumphantly.  Ashley is distraught, naturally.  Jack says it’s a lateral move.  “Answering to a Newman about ANYTHING is NOT a lateral move!”  She reminds Jack he said he would make her CO-CEO before he left to get married!  Hey, that was like two days ago.  There have been entire mergers since then. 

 

“You know, this kinda reminds me of when Adam’s office was moved to the men’s room to show him who’s boss,” Ashley reminds Victor.  Not at all.  He just likes efficiency and humiliating people.  Victoria tells Ashley that if she can’t handle this situation, maybe she should stick to being a chemist in the lab.  If she’s going to let emotion cloud her judgment, she’s not capable of the leadership that’s called for.  I think justifiable homicide is what’s called for.  “This is how you keep me happy?” she asks Doppel Jack.  “Welcome to our brave, new world,” he says.

 

Well, if Jill doesn’t give a shit about Jabot and her own son, at least GLORIA does.  She tells Chelsea she ought to be at the office, jockeying for position.  Oh, no, no, no.  Chelsea’s job is safe.  No one even runs the fashion division.  Gloria scoffs.  “Really?  And my dear John thought his family company would last for generations.  God rest his soul, but he must be rolling in his grave,” she says wisely. 

 

That’s right, Chelsea forgot they were married.  Yep!  “Unfortunately, Jackie boy didn’t inherit his father’s qualities.  Selling out to the devil!” she says, eyes glittering.  They weren’t born yesterday, girlie.  She plants a truckload of doubt about what Victoria will do to her now.  “Come on, you don’t think she’s going to prove who’s calling the shots?  You be careful, Chelsea, or you’re gonna be on the street.”  With a billion dollars.  Chelsea worries.

 

Ashley makes it clear that she is NOT quitting her job, no matter how insulting it is.  “I’m going to fight for my father’s legacy…because somebody has to,” she snaps at Doppel Jack.  Victor thinks very highly of her blah blah.  Doppel Jack takes Victor on a tour of their secret facility, and Ashley fixes gloating Victoria with a death stare. 

 

Doppel Jack/Minion complains that Victor wouldn’t just let Ashley quit!!  “That woman is hot, but she is a pain in my ass!” Victor is frustrated with stupid Minion.  “You listen to me.  She is your SISTER.  We need her to succeed.  She thinks you’re a little cuckoo right now!”  Minion says people change!  “They don’t change that much.  Do not make her question your behavior again!”  Minion assures him that Ash doesn’t suspect he’s an elaborate, fake, double while her real brother is imprisoned on an island.  And the same with his wife.  And, incidentally, PHYLLIS is a TIGER, he grins hilariously.  Victor is not amused.  “Will you start acting like an adult!” he hisses.  You just can’t get good doppelgangers these days.

 

So, Ashley, Victoria thinks she’ll just take YOUR glass office with your name etched on the door.  So, get your crap off this desk and set it up in the lab.  Ashley swallows her rage and seethingly agrees.  Victoria hopes everyone can be so agreeable.

 

Victor scolds Minion some more for not acting Jack-like enough, including wearing PURPLE TIES.  It’s like the most calm purple tie I’ve seen, but apparently it’s the equivalent of having bikini pinups on it in Jack’s world.  Minion can handle it, okay?  And he’s going to lunch with Phyllis now.  NO WAY.  He’s not going to eat lunch with her UNATTENDED.  I guess he can only be alone with her when he can distract her with lots of sex. 

 

Stabby shows up, all loved up and looking very agreeable.  Abby doesn’t mind the merger at all, it makes the company an Abbott-Newman production just like her!  Vack leaves, and Stitch grins and says a lot has happened since yesterday.  They discreetly hold hands and moon over each other.  #notdiscreetly   Ashley appears in the doorway with a sad, cardboard box.  “Oh, great, you’re here finally.”  Abby’s sorry they’re late.  “Don’t tell me.  Tell it to the boss.”  Victoria appears.  EGADS!  Victoria’s gloat turns into a little pout.  Have fun in your glass office now, Vicky.

[movinon]

 

“That woman is hot, but she is a pain in my ass!” Victor is frustrated with stupid Minion.  “You listen to me.  She is your SISTER.  We need her to succeed.  She thinks you’re a little cuckoo right now!”  Minion says people change!  “They don’t change that much.  Do not make her question your behavior again!”

I am loving Dopple Jack more every day - It's great to see Peter Bergman front and center and amusing as hell.  As long as he is stealing every scene, along with Billy (surprise), I can even watch the idiot, Victor, without drinking.  Great re-cap - hope things are getting better now.

[Slowpokey]

Love this Peach. You are amazing!!!!

[peacheslatour]

 

You just can’t get good doppelgangers these days.

What a world, oh his beautiful wickedness.  Maybe someone will drop a house on him.

 

Great recap peach, I hope you're having a better week.

[ByTor]

Victor scolds Minion some more for not acting Jack-like enough, including wearing PURPLE TIES.  It’s like the most calm purple tie I’ve seen, but apparently it’s the equivalent of having bikini pinups on it in Jack’s world.  Minion can handle it, okay?  And he’s going to lunch with Phyllis now.  NO WAY.  He’s not going to eat lunch with her UNATTENDED. 

So Yack can't be trusted to have lunch with Phyllis, but he can be trusted on a tropical vacation with her?  Hell, he even got scolded for coming home too early!

[smartyshorts]

Peach, if I could I would clone myself, just so we could heap double the praise upon you.  Thank you for making it possible for me to watch this show without having a rage stroke before each commercial break.

[peach]

Thur, 4/23/15 Part Two:   Aye Aye, Captain

 

Billy goes to the club to complain to Kyle and Phyllis about Doppel Jack.   Kyle thinks Dad must have a plan.  “Can you support your brother?” who just fired you, snaps Phyllis.  “I will do my brotherly duty by making sure Jack sees partnering with Victor is a colossal mistake!  And YOU are going to help me.”

 

Well, there’s quite a bit of tension in the Jabot lab.  “Are you okay, Ben?  You look a little piqued,” says Ashley.  Ohhh, he’s just a little…overwhelmed.. at the idea of working together with ALL his sexual conquests in one little glass room.  Guess nobody can throw any stones.  Ha.  Ashley is disgusted with the entire universe, Victoria’s bitchy and sullen, Abby’s smiling and nodding like she doesn’t speak English, and Stitch can’t even.  Vicky will be calling each of them into her usurped office for a meeting.  Super.

 

“HER office?” says Abby.  That is totes cray!  “We ALL work for Victoria?!”  Ashley says they all have to stick together…which doesn’t look like a problem for Stabby right now.  Harrumph.  They have to assume Big Brother is watching, and Victor knows everything.  “You mean Big Sister! Literally,” says Abby.  How can Ashley be so calm??  “Because if I’m not calm I’m gonna break all the glass in this room!” Ashley says through clenched teeth.  Vicky haughtily asks to see Stitch in “her” office.  Yaaay.  He reluctantly goes in, and Abby says, “OO MM GG.  She’s going to devour all of us!  Like Jaws!”  Ashley tells her to stop talking!

 

Victoria shoots laser beams out of her eyes at Stitch and says he can’t show up here all moon eyed whenever it suits him. That's just for her and Billy. “So this is all business, nothing personal?  Which is why you’re talking to me like I’m a little kid who just got sent to detention?” he gripes.  Then he apologizes.  Nobody wanted to hurt Vicky.  “It hasn’t even been ONE DAY since we broke up!  Not ONE DAY,” she complains.  Well, it hasn’t even been TWO days since she last stuck her tongue down Billy’s throat, but who’s counting?  Blah blah, she can see how Stabby looks at each other.  So now, it’s ALL business.  That’s all that’s left now.  Sounds super fun.

 

So Ash has to share an office with Abby’s sister??  “What do YOU share with your sister?  What the hell were you thinking waltzing in here with him like that?” snaps Ashley.  Ummmm…that he’s great in bed?  Abby swears that Sticky broke up like a whole half hour before she took up with him!  And how could they expect to find Victoria planted in their office today?!  Ashley’s just very upset and so incredibly furious right now.  Abby swears her loyalty and devotion to her and Jabot no matter who else is or isn’t.

 

Phyllis tells Billy if he’s undermining her husband, he’s on his own.  So how about Kyle?  He’s not a love drunk moron like Phyllis over here, so how about it?  Kyle’s like, uh, yesterday you called me an idiot.  Hey, that’s just how Billy rolls, get over it.  Kyle says Jack does things his own way.  Blah blah.  Billy says Jack just handed over his main priority to VICTOR!  Phyllis says he may very well have a plan to TOPPLE Victor!  Well, that is FANTASTIC.  Billy would LOVE to hear about that!  “Maybe he could fill us in, because this is legal and binding, Phyllis!  Because of our mysteriously useless board of directors!  He can’t just turn around one day and say, Psych!  Just kidding!” 

 

Phyllis says maybe Jack meant it when he said he wanted peace for once in his life.  “PEACE will come from CRUSHING Victor!” declares Billy.  Not bowing to him!  Hey, Kyle thinks Jack’s his own man and makes his own decisions, and Billy just doesn’t know what he’s talking about. “You ARE an idiot,” snaps Billy.  They HAVE to figure out what is going on.  Maybe Victor is BLACKMAILING Jack.  Phyllis says maybe all of this is true, but it’s what Jack wants.  So there.  Billy is extremely agitated.  “If Victor has a plan to pummel Jack, and Victor ALWAYS has a plan to pummel Jack, then we have to let him know!”

 

Speak of the devils, Doppel Jack and Victor walk in.  Doppel Jack grosses everyone out with more of his PDA with Phyllis.  Billy wants to puke about Vack being besties more than anything.  Victor invites him to lunch to hear about how SMOOTHLY the [takeover] transition is going.  It’s thrilling how they’re all working toward the same goal.  “Too bad you’re too immature to understand change is inevitable,” chides Victor. 

 

Kyle pulls Doppel Dad off of Phyllis for a second to talk to him privately.  So, is this merger really to keep the peace, or does he have some kind of plan to take down Victor when all is said and done? “You know your old man better than that.  There’s more to this merger than even Victor knows,” smirks Doppel Jack with a twinkle in his eye.

 

Gloria continues going off to Chelsea on what the disgusting Newmans are capable of.  “Listen, Sweetie, you’re a woman after my own heart.  Like me, no one ever handed you anything.  You had to scratch and claw to make something of yourself!  And look what you’ve done!”  You married a hot billionaire and inherited his fortune.  

 

Chelsea listens wide-eyed while Gloria goes on with her campfire horror story.  “If I’ve learned anything in this life, it’s that you don’t let your guard down.  You can never rest…because when you do, somebody WILL be there to swoop in and take it all away from you,” she says darkly.   “So you go on, you get back in that ring, and you FIGHT!  For EVERYTHING that’s yours!”  Wow.  That should be a Youtube inspirational video.

 

Abby tries sucking up to Victoria about all these changes.  “You mean walking in here with Ben, sharing an ecstatic glow?”  Okay, well that was awkward, but Abby loves Victoria a great big bunch, and would never hurt her except for ecstatic glow acquisition.  Well, Victoria’s mostly pissed off about you being LATE, Abby, because obviously she was never that into Stitch’s glow. 

 

Meanwhile, Stitch and Ashley go a little Jerry Springer in the lab.  She asks him about doing two sisters.  Were there mere minutes before hopping in the sack with the new one?  “Not to mention there was a long, hot shower with one of their mothers,” he taunts.  Not sure how that’s helping his case.  Ashley says SHE’S not going to be the problem in this scenario.  Unless he hurts her daughter, and then she’ll be a really big problem.  She warns him Victoria is going to make his life sooo miserable. 

 

“You don’t know much about the Newmans and the Abbotts.  This is war,” she says.  Stitch scoffs.  Victor and Jack just called a truce.  Ash laughs at his naïvete.  “That won’t last, and then it will be vicious.”  And both sides will lay claim to Stitch as their own.   Hex has been launched, so maybe he should just resign.  Heck, no.  She didn’t walk, and neither is he.  He is an ASSET, you guys.  “By all means, stay,” sneers Ashley.  She’s pretty much mad at everybody right now.

 

Kyle has a smarmy little kibbutz with Victor, and says it’s a relief that things are going to work out exactly like they’re supposed to.  He leaves.  Phyllis and Doppel Jack talk about ties.  “Well, this is all fascinating,” sneers Billy, but he’s going to leave before he barfs all over the bar. 

 

Victoria tells Ashley the art work is all wrong in her office, and she’ll be bringing over her own things.  Whatever, snowflake.  She leaves, and Chelsea shows up all nervous like.  She tries to act all tough business womany but quickly morphs into gasptalking about how great her line is, and Victoria can’t use it against Billy or something, and she can always take her sketches elsewhere.  I guess Vicky’s in charge of everything, especially since Phyllis can’t usually be bothered to come run her new division.  Anyway, she basically pats Chelsea on her try-hard head, and says her line is perfectly safe, because even though Victor hates Billy, Victoria loves money.

 

Ashley leaves Jack a heartfelt voicemail about family.  “Honestly, Jack, if you’re John Abbott’s son…then you wouldn’t do this.”  Indeed.

 

Stabby discuss how angry and hurt Victoria really is while standing right outside her office.  Abby thinks maybe they should have waited like an hour or something.  Does she regret it?  Hell, no.  They kiss.  Vicky watches from her stolen glass office, and I hope they torture her like this every day until she finally toadies back to Newman Enterprises.

 

Phyllis leaves Vack for a  moment, and Doppel Jack blatantly ogles her walking away.  “Eyes on me,” snaps Victor.  “EYES ON ME!”   I don’t care how stupid this is, it makes me laugh.  This has to be a blast for Peter Bergman.  Victor scolds Minion for not sticking to the script.  “You’re beginning to become very Un-Abbott-like.”  Minion can handle it.  “You don’t even know what I’m asking you to handle!”  Minion tries to reach for a drink.  NO DRINKING!!  “Aye aye, Captain,” Minion says sarcastically.  OMG, this is exactly what Victor is talking about!  This isn’t a game!  He got you OUT of that miserable Peruvian prison, Minion, and he can put you back IN.  Doesn’t Minion look exactly like someone you would find in a miserable Peruvian prison?  Maybe he’s some sort of van der Sloot type of fellow.

 

Billy and Ashley watch this bizarre exchange from the lobby!

[movinon]

 

They kiss.  Vicky watches from her stolen glass office, and I hope they torture her like this every day until she finally toadies back to Newman Enterprises.

I've been wondering about the empty Newman offices - Do you suppose they sold the building?  I think Ashley and her crowd should just go over to Newman and set up their office in Victoria and Victor's offices, since they're not being used.  Great recap, Peach.

[peach]

Fri, 4/24/15   You Gotta Stay Mad!

 

It’s going to take some fortitude to watch anything about Sharon’s “case.”  Thanks, show, for making me NOT want to watch my favorite character.  Dylan and Michael are at the cottage arguing about the importance of the tire iron.  He’s sure he can get it tossed as evidence.  Super Dylan badgers him about how lawyering works, and it sounds to me like Michael’s pretty much got it handled, but Dylan makes him so crabby that Sharon walks in at the end, and asks if Michael thinks she’s a lost cause! 

 

Meanwhile, back at the hospital, Savery calls her assistant and says she can’t take on any more cases right now.  Cancer stricken Michael can just handle everything while she spoonfeeds Joe Superman.  It’s not a sacrifice because she doesn’t like working that much anyway.  Oh, NO, she’s checking out clinics in CHICAGO.   Don’t take Joe Superman away!!  He wants her to pack up his new apartment then, because he’s not coming back.  Damn you, Avery!

 

Cane and Lily kiss at the club bar.  Super Executive Stockboy Cane is just making a little time for her before a big shipment of specialty items comes in for the boutique.  Not even kidding.  He’s just so busy since he got stuck merchandising ladies’ specialty items in a dress shop instead of being vice president of a major corporation or even running this damn hotel.  Jill and Colin show up to gloat mercilessly.

 

Hilary tries to chat up pouty Devon, but he doesn’t have to talk to you, Hilary.  Nyaaah.  Just answer her question…do you still love her and does anyone care?  Devon agrees with me that it doesn’t matter how he feels.  Well, it matters to HILARY, okay?  Devon is the best thing that ever happened to her, and she can’t lose him EVER.  He’s like, yeah, I wanted to hear that after the plane crash, but nooo, you made me have sad feelz because you were a big meanie.  And now she’s switching her story AGAIN?  Devon is NOT A LIGHT SWITCH, Hilary.  Well, it was just part of the plan to fix things with Neil.  So, Devon’s just supposed to ignore her sleeping with Win Mobley??  Well…yeah.

 

Jill explains to Cane how much retail sucks on a good day.  Lily bitchy smiles that at least he doesn’t come home frustrated like he did before, working with you, Jill.  HA!  Retail isn’t frustrating AT ALL.  Colin’s so glad he suggested this change.  “I’m sure your wife enjoys sitting on the throne at Chancellor, all by herself,” snarks Cane.  Jill cackles like Maleficent.  Duh!  Jill’s like, seriously, how is doing my old hobby job enough for you, Cane?  Oh, it’s super AWESOME, because LAUREN is so RECEPTIVE to Cane’s incredible ideas.  It’s like a real partnership.  Colin squints over Lauren’s receptiveness.

 

Sharon panics that it’s all over for her.  Michael says she always jumps to the worst possible outcome.  I can’t imagine why.  Michael promises he always plays to win, unless his own kid is going to prison.  All Sharon heard was a worst case scenario.  Uh-oh, he’s distracted by a phone call from his doctor.   Sharon keeps panicking about “running out of time.”  BLAH BLAH BLAH. 

 

Lauren stops by and it’s awkward because of Sharon’s strong emotions in her own home about possible life imprisonment for double murder.  Why does Sharon have to make such a big deal about everything, yo.  Michael and Lauren leave for lunch.  Then Sharon yells at Dylan for all his offensive false hope and tells him to GET OUT!  Sharon needs a Snickers.

 

Joe doesn’t want to hear about any f’ing false hope either.  See how much he has in common with Sharon!  Blah blah, he and Savery bicker about burdens and so on, and tomorrow he’s going to be in a new place, which will be overwhelming, so she thinks she should go with him.  Wow.  I’m conflicted.  If Joe leaves, we get rid of Savery, too?  Hmmm.   They’re probably just converting the Georgia coma clinic into the Chicago paralyzed guy clinic.

 

Hilary cries that she blames HERSELF for Neil unraveling.  Etc.  And if screwing and blackmailing Win Mobley was the way to keep to Neil out of jail, then so be it. She has no regrets.  “How do you expect us to get past this?” asks Devon.  With lots of sex.  Right now she’s begging, though.  Gross.  She says now that Neil’s safe, and everything’s out in the open, isn’t there some small chance they could get back together?  Because now it will be okay that he’s sleeping with Daddy’s wife?  Why didn’t Devon rebound with sparkling Gwen to make this more interesting?

 

Lauren and Michael go to the club.  She says it must be very taxing for Michael to be in such a [crazy] tense environment.  Jill says he has a [crazy] needy client.  How did he escape?  “Lauren busted me out.  Perfect timing for a lunch break.”  Oh, and btw, Cane, you and Lauren have to have dinner with a super important reporter tonight before she goes back to New York.  Omg, Cane doesn’t want to cancel dinner with his baby!  Lauren agrees to do it herself.  WHAT?  NO!  Michael thinks this is way too important for Cane to miss!  It’s for a national magazine, you guys!  He really needs to be with Michael’s wife instead of his own wife right now.  Because cancer!  Lily thinks publicity is awesome, so it’s fine with her.  Now Jill is squinting.

 

Savery wants to advocate for Joe and run his errands.  I mean, she’s the one who pushed him off the balcony.  Joe never wants to hear her say that again!!  Pushing him off a balcony doesn’t make her responsible for breaking his spine in two.  It's not like she DARED him to do it, right?  So what about Dylan?  How is her fiancé going to feel about her wiping his ass in Chicago now?  Savery’s like, Dylan who?

 

Dylan Who is patiently sitting on his damsel Sharon’s couch because angry words aren’t chasing him out of there.  He doesn’t think she should be alone when she’s like this.  “Like what?  A realist?  I can see my future spreading out in front of me, and it’s not pretty!”  They’re going to keep me a crazy scapegoat until the end of my career!!!!  She yells about all the stupid “evidence” and how Paul believes she did all of it, and that the state of Wisconsin will probably reinstate the death penalty just for her!  That’s probably not even an exaggeration.  “There’s no way I’m getting out of this, and if you believe otherwise, than YOU are the fool!” she cries. 

 

FINE!  Sharon’s RIGHT!  All the evidence is really against her, and Super Dylan’s been working his butt off to prove she’s innocent.  But the reason she’s so upset and thinks she can’t win is because SHE’S GUILTY!!!  I will assume this is some sort of reverse psychology.  Yep.  And it’s working.  He snaps Sharon into defending herself like a boss.  Michael Baldwin will tear the DA’s case to SHREDS, Dylan!  And the evidence against her is SO WEAK, she never should have been arrested in the first place! 

 

Dylan cracks a smile.  “THAT’S the Sharon who’s gonna beat these charges!  The FEISTY Sharon!  The one sure of herself, not the one having another meltdown, wallowing in negativity!”  Nick would never say something like that, so ROCK ON, SUPER DYLAN.  ROCK ON.  Sharon finds it kind of exhausting at the moment, however.  Dylan’s just doing this because you need it, Sharon!  Her heart SANK, Dylan, she thought she lost her last friend.

 

“You cannot let these doubts overwhelm you, and act like your fate is already sealed,” Dylan says sincerely, with tender piano accompaniment. “Come on, you gotta stay mad at whoever’s trying to frame you!”  Sharon nods with tearful, determined hope.  And Dylan knows all about how to stay mad.  “Man, if the press could see the way you were just now, they’d be convinced you were innocent, too!  We need to get more people on our side, including the jury, but you HAVE to keep fighting.  You have to do your part.  That’s the way we can win this!”  Maybe start with finding MARIAH.  But Super Dylan really got to me, you guys.  LET’S FIGHT THIS!  #teamsharon

 

Devon whines about Hilary’s act that made them truly believe she was out to destroy their family.  “And now there’s hope for me and Neil.  But we will NEVER reconcile our relationship if I get involved with you again.  Do you understand that?”  Omg, did Devon just do basic logic?  Hilary weepily says she does understand…she was just…hoping… She’ll just go.  “I think you should,” says Devon.  How about at least thanking her for salvaging YOUR gigantic pile of bullshit but throwing HERSELF under the bus, Devon?  But he judges her, so she sadly leaves.

 

Lauren sits with pasty faced Michael and complains about him second guessing her “at work,” and pressuring Cane to do the interview tonight.  Now ANOTHER husband is working instead of spending time with his wife!  They fight about how much Michael’s ignored her since he moved into Sharon’s.  “I made a major commitment when I agreed to be her guardian,” he says.  It was the only way to keep her out of jail. “And a great way to HIDE,” says Lauren.  “From me, and your oncologist.”  WHY did he miss his last appointment?  He looks like hell!  They bicker about his treatment and such. 

 

Michael gets so crazy mad he shouts loud enough to attract attention from Colin and Jill.  He has a BIG CASE!  A woman’s life hangs in the balance.  He’s working, and he’s NOT going to let this DISEASE stop him.  “AND YOU WILL NOT TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD.  AND I WILL NOT HAVE YOU GRILLING ME ABOUT EVERY DECISION I MAKE!”  Well, excuse Lauren for caring! 

 

Cane interrupts.  Issss everything okay?  Sure.  Well, the, um, boxes have come in, so after lunch they can start going through them because apparently the boutique has no employees.  NO, let’s do it NOW, because we all KNOW that work comes first, she snaps, throwing down her napkin and storming off.  Colin and Jill silently judge.

 

Avery calls Dylan and says she needs to accompany Joe to the Chicago clinic.  “How am I supposed to respond to this?” asks Dylan.  Just listen, and maybe get a violin to accompany Avery’s sad story about Joe’s completely broken spirit.  He’s winning the broken spirit contest, Dylan.  It’s just like for a week or possibly forever, but he really needs help.  Okay, then.  “Ohh, Dylan, thank you for being so understanding.”  Ummm, he just doesn’t care anymore.  Good luck, Savery.   She proudly tells Joe that Dylan’s A-OK with her going.  Joe’s like, hmm, he obviously doesn’t care anymore.

 

Sharon says it seems like Dylan’s not all that okay with it.  Well, it’s happening either way, and Avery’s accepted he’d rather be hanging out at Sharon’s 24/7 anyway.  Sharon says he just unloaded on her for not being true to herself, to maybe take his own advice.  Go to Avery and tell her how you really feel, Dylan. Tank this relationship even faster!  And get back in time for dinner.

 

Jill confronts Michael about pushing Lauren away.  They argue about him being Sharon’s guardian.  Jill’s not putting up with any of Michael’s bullshit answers. What is GOING ON in that head of his?

 

Colin decides to stir up some shit with Lily in the meantime.  He plants doubt about Cane spending time with Lauren.  Whaaat?  Lily’s totally happy for him.  Yeah, but it was rocky there after she found out he was lying for Devon and Hilary, and they’re still not on solid ground.  “We’re getting there,” says Lily. “Well, while you’re getting there, you don’t want other people getting in the way.  It’s easy for a husband to get distracted when things are messy at home.”  If he’s implying that Cane would look at Lauren that way--  “I’m not implying anything about my son.  Now, Lauren on the other hand…”  Lily frowns.  Nice, Colin.  So it’ll be Lily and Lauren’s fault if a husband “gets distracted.”

 

Lauren unpacks disappointing, crappy pearl necklaces and weeps about how this is not how it’s supposed to be.  Cane comforts her.  He’s really sorry about those necklaces.

 

So, in an ironic twist of fate, Avery comes to see Sharon, while Dylan goes to see Joe.  #notironic  Avery smugly judges murdering villainess Sharon, who reminds her that she’s been accused of murder before.  I mean, who hasn’t?  And it was AVERY who handled her appeal.  She used to believe in Sharon.  Well, Avery’s gotten to know Sharon a LOT BETTER since then, and clearly she’s a super human, arch criminal, murderer now.  How about GTFO of my house then?

 

Dylan pops in on Joe while looking for Avery.  Joe’s actually glad to see Super Dylan, since he hasn’t had an honest conversation since he’s been in there.  He’s ready for some Dylan style, honest folks talk.  “That’s a good point.  So why don’t we get a few things straight,” says Dylan. 

 

Hilary shows up on Devon’s doorstep.  “I’ve been thinking about the way we left things, and I won’t let it end like that,” she says. 

 

Jill concedes that perhaps Lauren’s care and concern might seem stifling to Michael sometimes.  “Give the lady a cigar,” he says.  But the thing is, Lauren feels like SHIT, Michael.  He blathers about all his neurotic crap, and she says if he can explain it calmly and rationally to HER, then why can’t he do it for Lauren?  Instead of emotionally abusing her?  Michael is chastened.  He owes Lauren an apology.  Didn’t say he was going to give her one.

 

Lily laughs off Colin’s suggestion that Lauren is a temptation for Cane.  Look, princess, life is pain.  Anyone who says differently is trying to sell something.  Wait, that was the Dread Pirate Roberts.  Colin says almost the same thing, though, and tells Lily to keep a close eye on her husband.

 

Lauren finally stops crying, and Cane cajoles her out of her blues, and she starts laughing about the terrible starfish pearl necklaces.  RIGHT when Michael walks by.  He sees them laughing, so he scurries away.  Why apologize now, she seems fine!  Or maybe Michael just has PTSD from Lauren laughing at his cancer.

 

Joe says he figures Dylan’s there to put him on notice.  “I don’t trust you.  And I never will,” says Dylan. “I can’t blame you.  Yeah, I’ve been a real ass,” says Joe.  He admits to doing everything Dylan accused him of, manipulating things to win Avery back, and goading Dylan into losing his temper.  “I even put the moves on her on that balcony in one last chance to win her back.  And look where that got me.”  Dylan’s like why tell me now?  Because after “falling off” that balcony, everything changed.  “And I know now, that Avery will never be mine,” he says, even though she’s clinging to him like a barnacle.  Dylan ponders.

 

Feisty Sharon’s like, oh, please expand on your bitchy comments, Avery.  Oh, don’t mind her.  Why get into it while she insults you in your living room?  Nice try.  Is she saying she wouldn’t have defended her back in the day?  “I’m saying it would have been difficult to generate excitement about defending you.”  Sharon’s like, I seeee.  “So then you would have just let me hang for Skye’s murder?  You know, looking back, it would have been an acceptable outcome for you, because then I would have been locked up and out of the way.”  Avery says she could have found another attorney. 

 

“But that’s not the point.  You’re supposed to be the celebrated champion of the wrongly accused.  And yet you find me so repugnant that you wouldn’t care if I were found guilty?  I think that makes you a hypocrite.”  Take your Better Days Award and shove it up your ass.  “Well, maybe it does,” sneers Avery, “but what you think about me means nothing to me.  Unfortunately, two MEN I really care about want to keep you out of jail, so yes, I HOPE you are found not guilty for THEIR sake.”  Real champion for women, that Avery Bailey Clark. 

 

“So you don’t think I really did it,” or you wouldn’t be standing there alone with big, bad, killer Sharon.  No, Avery doesn’t think she did it, but she also didn’t think Sharon was capable of burning down the ranch or falsifying Summer’s paternity.  Well, neither of those things were feats of strength and time travel and also didn’t KILL ANYONE.  Unfortunately.

 

Avery’s going to go be superior somewhere else, but Sharon stops her.  “Wait a minute.  You’re so smug.  You think you know everything.  You’re WRONG about me, and you don’t have a clue about your fiancé.”  Avery doesn’t need to her about Dylan from SHARON.  “Oh, you’re all about the truth.  The real reason Dylan went to find you was to tell you the truth.  He really isn’t OKAY with you going on this trip with your ex-Joe.  It was obvious by his tone that he was upset!” 

 

Avery whines that Sharon’s making it sound like she’s going on a romantic tryst instead of to a rehab clinic for spinal injuries.  Sounds like Avery’s idea of romance to me.  Sharon says Joe’s a big boy.  He doesn’t need Avery there holding his hand.  UNLESS…  Avery warns Sharon that she better not say it.  Oh, yeah?  SAY IT, FEISTY SHARON!  “Maybe you have been lying to everyone all along, and it’s really your ex-Joe who you want, and not Dylan.”  Avery’s like, you bitch!  You can’t con a con, Avery.

 

Colin tells Jill his son and Lauren are getting too cozy, and he said so to Lily.  Jill scoffs.  Cane was so happy to get Lily back, he wouldn’t look at another woman.  Colin totally blames it all on Lauren again.  Jill LISTENS.  She says Michael did make it sound like he thought she’d be happier in Cane’s company than his own.  Maybe because he’s always SCREAMING IN HER FACE.  Colin finally gets a clue.  “You don’t think that…he’s pushing her into Cane’s arms?”  Because that would be INSANE and DISGUSTING.  “Of course not,” whispers Jill, with eyes widening.  #ofcourseheis  “That would be crazy,” she says, knowing in her soul that it’s absolutely true.

 

Lauren admires ambitious Cane’s executive box packing skills, and Lily nervously “barges in.”  There are no shelves in their receiving department which is kind of weird.  Where are all the scary half mannequins and giant snarls of hangers.  WHERE?  Lily’s decided she does want to have dinner with her husband after all.  Is that okay, boss?  Yup!  Lauren will make sure that reporter knows how super valuable Cane already is to her.  “You are the best, and you know that, right?” coos Cane.  She sure does.  So go have fun.  Lily watches all this, like, holy shit!  Colin is totally right!  Cane is super distracted. 

 

Devon tells Hilary that they can’t go back.  Okay, but can they at least be friends??  Ugh, desperate.  “You are the love of my life, Devon.  I want you near me, however I can have you.”  Devon nods slightly.  Hmm, maybe you should have tried being "friends" BEFORE destroying Neil’s life.

 

Dylan says he has a hard time believing that’s what Joe really wants.  It’s not what he wants, it’s what he has to accept.  Avery’s only going with him out of guilt and pity.  Dylan’s who she really wants. Avery always comes back to him because what they have is real.  Real annoying.  Dylan’s not that into it.   Joe says he doesn’t want to cause trouble.  If Dylan wants Avery to stay here, just say the word.  He ponders.  “She makes her own decisions,” says Dylan.  Punt that ball, Dylan!

 

Avery says Sharon would LOVE IT if she wanted Joe.  She’s thrilled to have Dylan constantly running to be her white knight.  “What do you care, you live at Joe’s bedside.”  Cheater Avery snaps that SHARON’S the one who can’t go two minutes without a man to lean on.  “You drove Nick away, now you’re latching on to his brother, which is no surprise.  You’ve gone through all the men in the family, even VICTOR!” 

 

“YOU BITCH!” shouts Feisty Sharon, but pulls just short of knocking Avery on her own man-sharing ass.  “GO AHEAD!  VIOLATE YOUR PAROLE!  ASSAULT ME!” shouts Avery, and they scream and yell while Michael comes in and unsuccessfully tries to scream louder to break it up.  Normally, Michael’s violent screaming doesn’t affect him this way, but he pulled a cancer muscle or something, and collapses in the dragonfly chair, UNCONSCIOUS!  Sharon will probably get charged for it.

 

Hey, Gwen’s in the previews!  And Sharon yells at Nick.  Man, Dylan really got her going.

[peach]

I really hope Michael doesn't die, because he really cracks me up. 

[movinon]

 

Don’t take Joe Superman away!!  He wants her to pack up his new apartment then, because he’s not coming back.  Damn you, Avery!

Joe doesn’t want to hear about any f’ing false hope either.  See how much he has in common with Sharon! 

 

Peach, I think you and I are the only ones still holding on to Shoe - and Pratt's never going to give it to us.  They're even shaving that gorgeous face every day, just so we can't see how hot this man is.  I suppose 6:00 am is way too early to get out the vodka.  Great recap and so detailed.  High praise

[MollyB]

 

movinon quote

I suppose 6:00 am is way too early to get out the vodka.

You're an hour late.   #it'sfiveo'clocksomewhere

[MollyB]

Peach-you're amazing.  I'm going to be laughing all day at things like:

• Sharon needs a Snickers. (with some clonazepam stuffed in it.)
• Super Executive Stockboy Cane
• Wow.  I’m conflicted.  If Joe leaves, we get rid of Savery, too?  Hmmm.
• (everybody) squinting.
• But Super Dylan really got to me, you guys.  LET’S FIGHT THIS!  #teamsharon (isn't this how they tried to save the 'warehouse district'?)
• Tank this relationship even faster! (Please, in the name of all that's holy, do it!)
• Avery smugly judges murdering villainess Sharon, who reminds her that she’s been accused of murder before.  I mean, who hasn’t?
• “YOU BITCH!” and Sharon and everything she says to Boobula aka bad attorney.  #teamsharon
• Sharon will probably get charged for it. (with his 'partner' right there?  you betcha!)

[peacheslatour]

Peach, I think you and I are the only ones still holding on to Shoe - and Pratt's never going to give it to us.  They're even shaving that gorgeous face every day, just so we can't see how hot this man is.  I suppose 6:00 am is way too early to get out the vodka.  Great recap and so detailed.  High praise

Hey, count me in too.  I thought Joe looked gorgeous lifting weights yesterday, but I don't see how we're going to get Shoe if they keep him in Chicago.

[movinon]

Hey, count me in too.  I thought Joe looked gorgeous lifting weights yesterday, but I don't see how we're going to get Shoe if they keep him in Chicago.

Hey, I just saw those previews, slo-mo, and the facial hair is back in those scenes.  I was so irritated because when he and Dylan were talking, he looked clean shaven again.  I hope they really are reading the boards and see how many people want to see him with the hot look.  If they shave it all off again, I swear, I will write another complaint letter. I still haven't seen the non-wedding, so I have to catch up.  They can't keep him in Chicago forever, but it looks like they're going there with Sharon and Dylan. We may have to wait.

[peacheslatour]

^^^^^Yeah, it does look like we're gonna get Shylan.  This does not make me happy when it's so patently obvious that she should be with Joe, but I guess he isn't Farren-Phuckup's pet.  What a waste.

[MollyB]

 

movinon quote

They can't keep him in Chicago forever,

No one goes away forever (except Daisy's brother in the closet).  Dummer spent a couple months in Switzerland to be cured of her peanut coma complications, Mop got an entire art education summering in Italy, Abby became a not-nude business powerhouse after a month in New York, Kyle went away to a hockey boarding school and came back a semester later as a business intern and then mover and shaker.  So nothing lasts forever.

[peach]

I'm good with Shylan.  Shoe would have sizzle, but poor Sharon doesn't need sizzle now.  She needs some damn respect, and Dylan's the only person who can give it to her.  #teamshylan

[photo fox]

ITA, peach. Plus, there's the added benefit of watching Nicki's, Avery's, and Nick's heads all explode. #teamshylan

[Slowpokey]

I will take Shylan right now and then they can get the gorgeous Shoe started. lol

[peach]

Sorry I'm a week behind.  We're finally resolving our list of issues at my house (eyeballs and wrecked cars, etc).   But I'm fatigued to the point of feeling ill.  One really good night of sleep (which seems elusive during the noisy springtime where I live) and I will be back to normal, I think.

[movinon]

Poor peach - we love you.  Take your time and get some rest, recaps can wait.  Half of us aren't watching anyhow, just reading recaps.  I will, however, admit to watching more now, and only FFing occasionally - I think things are looking up.  Family always has to come first.  :)