Explain it to Me Like I'm Lily: Recaps for the Disenchanted

[smartyshorts]

Peach, I don't know how you find the mental fortitude to power through these stinking episode piles and turn up the comedic gems that you do, but I swear you deserve a weeks vacation on a beach sipping umbrella drinks for doing work even that "dirtiest jobs ever" guy wouldn't do. 

Stay off the balcony though. 

Edited April 18, 2015 by smartyshorts

[peach]

Mon, Apr 13  PART ONE   An Abundance Of Funk

 

We open with Michael in a hospital bed.  Lauren rushes in with Cane standing in the background.  Michael gives Lauren his customary hateful glare and asks how she knew he was there.  The hospital called!  Michael says there’s nothing to tell, besides him lying and coming in for something minor.  He didn’t want to bother her.  Lauren asks why he didn’t TELL her he wasn’t well at the club, and WHY did he insist Cane drive her home?!  Michael pouts.

 

We backtrack briefly, so Joe’s still on the balcony insisting he and Avery belong together.  Dylan wants to rescue Sharon, but Avery is rescuing Joe.  He keeps trying to kiss her, so she rescues him right off the balcony.   Still funny.  Wow, we even hear a thud this time!  No means no, Joe.  “JOE!” screams Avery.  “JOE! JOE! JOE!”  I guess he can’t hear her.  But Lily must have been VERY close by, because SHE hears and comes racing out to the balcony.  “What’s happened?!” 

 

“It’s Joe…he FELL!” cries Avery.  Mmmm hmm.  I see.  Look what happens when the stiletto’s on the other foot.  Wait, a Dumpster broke his fall!  As Elaine Benes would want to know, how’s HIS FACE??  It still looks good, you guys.  Whew!

 

Kyle and the Widow Travers have annoying afterglow.  He says he’s thought of this for such a long time.  Summer says she’s feels so safe, and---  And what, Summer?  You can tell smarmy Kyle anything.  It IS safe.  The camera focuses momentarily on a photo of joyous Malibu Austin and Summer together.  I miss you, Malibu Austin!  :*(

 

Dylan reminds Sharon and us that her prints on the tire iron along with Austin’s blood.  She says that’s impossible.  Just tell him what HAPPENED, Sharon!  “You KNEW where it was, you told me where to find it!  I’ve gone out on a limb for you!  I’m trying to help you!  WHAT haven’t you told me?!”  Sharon’s flustered.  What does he want her to say, that she used that tire iron to murder Austin?!  Right.  Super Villain Sharon decided to put herself near the scene of the crime and get someone to find a murder weapon no one knew about.  Meanwhile, Summer knew where some other murder weapon was, and they hid it, but who cares.

 

Dylan’s just trying to make sense of this.  Sharon says she had no intention of going to the cabin that night.  She was taking Faith to the club and had to take a detour that put her on Old Post Road, and then she saw another driver throw something out the window.  Once she realized that could be the killer, she went back to search!  “What, at the same time Courtney was being murdered?  Sharon, nobody saw you, nobody can back up your story!”  Hmm, nobody can say she was there, either.  Sharon swears she’s never seen that tire iron before in her life.  WHY would she send him to find the murder weapon, if she thought it had her fingerprints all over it? 

 

“WAIT!! HOW do you know it’s the MURDER WEAPON?  It’s a tire iron on the side of the road!” cries Dylan.  Seriously?  WHAT THE FUCK ELSE COULD IT BE?  WHY are you even talking about it if it’s NOT the murder weapon?  Why did you have it tested for anything, Dylan, if it’s just “a tire iron on the side of the road”?  Sharon stammers that she doesn’t know, she’s just saying it COULD be, what with AUSTIN’S BLOOD ALL OVER IT.  Captain Obvious says if it’s the murder weapon, then her fingerprints are all OVER it!  She doesn’t know how they got there!  “Why would I even tell you about it if implicated ME?”  Maybe she thought she wiped them off?  Easy mistake, amirite.  NO!  “You mean somebody’s setting you up?” he says angrily.  Dylan, why are you doing this, pleads Sharon.  He’s just asking her the same questions the POLICE are going to ask.

 

Michael claims he’d already left the gala when he started feeling funky, so he went to the hospital to get checked out.  What does he mean funky?  “It’s a technical term, it has to do with an abundance of funk,” he says.  Lauren’s not laughing.  She demands to know the facts.  Cane thinks it’s appropriate to lean against the door and listen to Michael’s personal details about his irritated tissue.  He didn’t need her rushing down here!! “I AM FINE!” he snaps.  She’s going to ask the doctor herself, then.

 

Lauren rushes out, and Cane butts in all the way and says he knows Michael didn’t have any client.  So why didn’t he tell them he wasn’t well?  Michael didn’t want to call the evening to a halt over THIS.  Money was being raised, and Cane and Lauren were embarking on their amazing new business partnership and had a lot to discuss.  Cane frowns.  “Wait a minute.  Is THAT was this is about? Me and Lauren?”  I'm all for rolling the dice again and making new couples, but Cane and Lauren are about the most boring new combination I can think of.  It's like they're TRYING to make it boring.

Lily chases Avery down the stairs.  “Please let him be alive!” cries Avery.  Lily asks how he fell?  Was he drinking and showing off?  What happened, Avery, what happened?!  Let’s not get into details, Lily, just call an ambulance!!!  She probably should call their counsel, as well, because you’ll probably be soundly sued if small women can toss huge men off your balconies.  What kind of establishment are you running?  Lily rummages around in her purse to find her cell phone.  Avery rushes into the alley  to  find Joe on the Dumpster.  “What have I done?” she whispers.  “Oh, Joe, I’m so sorry.”

 

After the commercials, the EMT’s are strapping Joe to a gurney.  She wants to go to the hospital with him, but here comes Paul.  He wants her statement.  She cries that they can do that at the HOSPITAL!!  No.  “You have to tell me what happened.  We have to do this NOW,” he insists.  Start by taking him up to the suite.  Crack attorney Avery agrees.

 

Kyle’s in his underwear, holding Summer who’s wearing his dress shirt.  She coos that it feels so natural being with him.  Especially after they were told that it was…unnatural.  “It wasn’t fair that we were kept apart because of Sharon’s lie,” whines Summer.  Kyle stopped thinking that way a long time ago…fair or unfair.  I bet.  Things just happen, okay, like if someone murders a guy to get his wife, why put a label on it?  Or that these two wastes of skin are enjoying this fabulous, free apartment.  Let’s not get into what’s fair, Summer.  Wondering why will drive us crazy, says Kyle.

 

“We’re here now, and everything that’s happened has led to this.  And everything about it is our choice.  It isn’t something that we just fell into because it was easy or expected.” Kyle whines about how his whole life has been about meeting expectations, doing what other people want, like working.  There’s a knock on the door.  That must be the food they ordered!  So go ahead and answer the door undressed because it’s just the food guy.  WHOOPS!  It’s Noah.

 

He comes walking in with girl’s overnight bag.  “I’m glad you’re here, Summer, because I couldn’t do this by my---“  <record scratch>  Kyle awkwardly half-waves, and Summer looks at the floor.  Noah takes it all in and smirks.  “Sorry to interrupt,” he says, shaking his head.  He walks out, but Summer chases him.   Noah, wait!  He just stares at her in disappointment.

 

Idiot Avery sits on a loveseat in the suite and gives a statement to Paul without an attorney present.  Because that's what attorneys do.  Blah blah, she’s doing the legal work for Joe’s foundation. They were celebrating getting all of Constance’s money away from Gabriel Bingham.  Paul smirky laughs.  “Well.  That’s pretty generous.  Just the two of you working together,” he says meaningfully.  She tells her sob story about how she understands how important the cause is to Joe, etc.  “It was a labor of love?” asks Paul.   Avery flaps her gums, while Paul puts her words in her mouth. 

 

“So, you and Dylan just came to show your support for this cause close to Joe’s heart.”  Ummm, Dylan wasn’t there.  He never made it?  Why not?  Ummm…he had to take care of…something. Paul’s like, weren’t you winning some dumb award tonight?  Ummm, yes.  It must be something really important Dylan’s doing if he missed her event.  Ummm...that's because of that other stupid case.

 

All this needling and prodding and implying is getting Avery upset.  “What difference does it make, Paul?!”  He’s just wondering how she ended up alone in her ex-husband’s hotel room.  She told you it was all just being thrilled about the thrilling money and grabbing some thrilling champagne and innocently drinking it up here, thrillingly.

 

Paul looks on the balcony and frowns.  “How much champagne did you drink??”  Just a glass!  It wasn’t the champagne!  Or maybe it was!  But they weren’t drunk!!!  “Joe…came on to me,” she admits.  He kissed her, but it was completely unexpected!  “Was it?” chides Paul.  “I mean, your ex-husband brings you up here, with a bottle of champagne to celebrate, takes you out there, the moon is out….”  Hubba hubba?  Avery is incensed.  She is ENGAGED, Paul!  To your son, so this is the 100th example of conflict of interest this month.  Paul just wants to get a picture of what happened.  “The last thing on my mind was a sexual encounter with Joe!!  And I don’t think that’s what he wanted, either!”  Because I like to pretend!

 

Paul grimaces.  It’s no secret Joe’s still in love with her.  What makes her think that wasn’t his intention all along?  NO!  Avery is intentionally obtuse about Joe, because the truth would mean she wants him to do all this stuff.  So it’s not like that.  “We just got caught up in the moment, that’s all,” she says weakly.  “WE?” says Paul.  “JOE!  JOE got carried away.  And I reacted badly…and I..shoved him.”  OFF THE BALCONY?!  “NO!  He FELL, he tripped, he fell!....  I didn’t know I pushed him that hard.”  Paul’s like…ooo, buddy.  I wish Sharon could get to watch this.

 

They go on the balcony.  Avery says it all happened so fast, and then he lost his balance.  In like a nanosecond.  Paul looks around.  “This is…weird,” says Paul.  No kidding.  “Did he force himself on you?” he asks, frowning.  Nothing like that happened!  So, Joe fell, Avery screamed, and Lily let herself in.  “So you and Joe were alone in the room when this happened?”  Yep.

 

“I know how this looks,” says Sharon.   But SOMEONE put her fingerprints on that tire iron, SOMEHOW!  Or they messed with the test.  Oh, no, only noble Avery had anything to do with it.  Then it had to be the real killer who did it.  “What other explanation is there?” says Sharon.   Aliens.  Duh.  Dylan gets all hard ass and says Sharon didn’t come up with any of this story until AFTER suspicion fell on her, AFTER the video was found.  “Dylan, I NEED you to believe me!”  “Now THAT would be useful,” he says sternly.  At least that’s what the police are going to think. This is so stupid I can’t even follow it. 

 

Sharon tries to clarify it for me…”That I’m framing myself to get YOU on my side?”  That’s really meta, especially for Dylan, but his ego is strong enough to think that Sharon would indeed FRAME HERSELF for murder in order to get Paul’s son on her side, because he would believe Dylan.  Believe what??  That she framed herself?   For a murder she committed??? OR NOT??  WWWWTTTTFFFFFF???????  Give me back the music box.  I’m sorry, show, I really am sorry for mocking your earlier efforts, and I apologize.  You don’t have to keep doing this to punish me. 

 

Blah blah, Sharon promises she is NOT using him for nonsensical, circular bullshit.  “All it takes is reasonable doubt,” explains Dylan.  <peach’s face is in her hands>  Making herself look guiltier sounds like a great way to instill REASONABLE doubt.  So far there’s a metric ton of reasonable doubt that anyone anywhere could have done it.  There was so much reasonable doubt before this that I could wallpaper my house with it.  This show is going to break me.

 

Let Dylan explain. Sharon FRAMING HERSELF WITH PHYSICAL EVIDENCE is a SMART MOVE to get Dylan on her side, who was already on her side.  Because having Super Dylan on your side then mitigates said physical evidence that directly links her to the DEATH PENALTY. 

 

She sadly says that her history would make him think even THIS is manipulation.  Even her saying she has no one else to turn to, no one on her side.  You don’t really need anyone on your side if you didn’t TELL ANYONE you were on that road and have knowledge of a bloody tire iron.  But whatever.  “If you don’t believe me,” says Sharon, “then you go ahead.  You call the police right now.”  Dylan stares.

 

Paul doesn’t arrest Avery for pushing Joe off the balcony or cheating on Dylan because of course.  She goes to the hospital and weepily stares through Joe’s hospital room window.  So he’s still alive.  She treats us to a super boring flashback montage of a bunch of their boring conversations of Joe trying to get her back.  Fast Forward. Avery worries.

 

Hey, it’s Dr. Barton Shelby!  Doc Bart says they’re prepping Joe for surgery, and a top neurosurgeon is on the way.  No, Avery, you can’t go in there and slobber on his body, because every moment is critical!  They need to stabilize his spine.  “His spine?!” she gasps.  “Are you saying he might not be able to walk?!”  Right now, Doc Bart’s just trying to keep him alive.  But there's been an opening in the physical disability slot on this show, so I'm guessing Joe is paralyzed.

[movinon]

Peach, I'm sure God loves you and I know we do for suffering through this pigpen of slop and doing these re-caps.  I actually do watch bits and pieces of these hideous shows, but I just have nothing of interest to say.  I must get myself some pineapple juice and try one of Mia's pineapple screwdrivers with promise, because I am just losing myself in this idiocy.  I am trying for clothes and crap like that - anything to find a reason to stop FFing and watch, but I can't find anything.  Thanks for doing these - it's the only thing holding me to the show right now.

[Foghorn Leghorn]

so agree movinon, the show is hard to watch without FF and then what is the point...I find it hard to read the recap even because it feels like double the punishment!  

[peacheslatour]

I usually just have Show on in the backround while I do other things.  If something interesting happens (ha ha) I will watch, but my days of sitting down to watch are probably over

.Hear that CBS and advertisers?  Your products are not getting pushed. 

Edited April 18, 2015 by peacheslatour

[peach]

Mon, Apr 13 PART TWO:  It's Just Wow

 

Dylan tells Sharon he’s not calling the police.  They just have to figure out how her fingerprints got on the tire iron.  I would also suggest seeing if her own tire iron is in her car.  Really, I would suggest they throw this tire iron in the river.  But nobody gets to do anything, because Avery calls.  He’s SO sorry he lost track of time.  It was a big night for her and he wanted to be there.

 

Oh, it was a big night alright.  “Something happened,” she moans.  “It’s…Joe.  He fell off the balcony.”  What?  How?  “I pushed him,” she whispers.  Omg, Avery, stay where you are and don’t talk to ANYBODY else.  Super Dylan’s on his way! 

 

Sharon thinks Avery must have seen the report!  What, no?  “This isn’t about you.  Avery needs me and I gotta handle it!”  Dylan’s really got his hands full with TWO damsels in distress.  He just needs for Sharon to go home and be chill.  Until then, he’s going to very OBVIOUSLY get a KEY and lock up this tire iron RIGHT HERE in THIS drawer.  “You and I are the ONLY ones who have seen this forensics test.  It’s locked in a drawer, THIS DRAWER RIGHT HERE, and it’s safe.”  He just needs her to keep it together and go home and wait.  He’ll be there as soon as he can.  “Don’t do anything,” he says.  Sharon hilariously looks at the drawer. Okay, Dylan.

 

Cane thinks Michael’s worried that Cane won’t want to work with Lauren if he thinks she’ll be too worried about Michael being sick.  That’s why he lied , right?  “Maybe I overreacted.  But that’s what Lauren and I do these days,” says Michael.  Um, no, that’s what YOU do.  But Michael accuses HER of “behaving this way” over his very minor LIES about side effects from radiation.  Cane says it’s just because she loves him.  Michael doesn’t want cancer to run their lives!  So he lets acting like an idiot run their lives! 

 

Cane understands.  He remembers when Michael helped keep him from being deported so he could be with Lily when she was ill.  That was different, says Michael.  “Why?  Because you’re a guy?”  No, Lily was just way sicker than Michael.  He’s mostly fine.  Cane suggest maybe Lauren doesn’t believe him because he lies all the time.   “I’m willing to admit I made some mistakes in the beginning, and I was a complete ass.”  YAY.  He really said that, you guys.  Cane laughs and agrees. 

 

Michael says Lauren’s been amazing and willing to sacrifice her needs.  Cane says she thinks he’s worth it.  Michael starts his weird enunciations about how he doesn’t want her sacrificing ANYTHING, and would apparently rather use Cane for her needs instead of just going shopping.  For Pete’s sake, Michael, there are infomercials at 11 a.m. for this stuff, stop acting crazy.  He says he can’t seem to make Lauren hear the irrational things he says.  But HE’S FINE.  Lauren reappears to say he’s being released.  “Toldja so,” whines Michael.  I’m surprised he didn’t stick his tongue out.  Nyah.

 

Guess what, you guys?  Sharon sneaks back into Avery’s office!!!  I just now noticed Avery has the same non-locking, swinging glass doors as Ashley’s lab.  She tries jimmying the lock open with a letter opener, when GASP!  Someone with black gloves chloroforms her!!  I bet she’s totally chloroforming herself.  You know how SHARON is.

 

Noah awkwardly comes back into the Barbie Townhouse.  He just came from the morgue with some of Courtney’s personal effects.  Gosh, Summer’s sorry.  Noah just wanted to see if she would go through them with him, because she’s been where he is.  “And the same person who took Courtney away from me, killed your husband….but, obviously, you’ve found a way past your grief,” he says, smirking at Kyle.  Noah!  That’s not faaair.  Waaah. 

 

“She was your best friend, Summer.  And she is lying on a slab, in a drawer right now…while you’re hooking up with---“ Ugh, he doesn’t even finish.  Kyle protests.  Don’t take this out on Summer because wah.  “AND YOU, Kyle!  I mean, never one to pass up on an opportunity, right?!  But using this, man, to get her in bed?  That’s pretty low,” he laughs bitterly.  It wasn’t LIKE THAT, Noah.  This is Special.

 

Kyle says they’ve all been living with this constant threat, this nightmare.  Noah mocks Kyle’s likely approach:  “Life is sooo short, let’s grab what we can, Summer.  Take off your clothes.”  Summer says waaah.  “Come on, Summer, you fell for THAT??  It’s PATHETIC!”  Kyle says just because Summer’s not cowering in fear or putting her grief on other people doesn’t mean she’s not feeling it, Noah!  “Yeah, I can see she’s real broken up.”  Kyle tells him to BACK OFF.  “Okay.  You two HAVE at it.  Enjoy.”  He slams the door on the way out.

 

Summer pouts.  Kyle assures her that was just Noah’s grief talking, and he didn’t mean it.  “You and me, this?” he says, stroking her face.  “It wasn’t wrong.  You have nothing to apologize for,” because we’re both entitled douchebags who look like brother and sister.

 

Michael, Lauren, and Cane are leaving the hospital when they run into Avery.  Is she okay??  “There was an accident at the club,” she tells them tearfully.  “Joe fell over the balcony.”  “The balcony at the club?” asks Cane.  Yep, be worried.  Lily’s being questioned by the police there now, so Cane rushes off to help.  Lauren walks away, and Michael intently asks Avery how it happened.  She pushed him.  Uh-oh. 

 

Has she told anyone else that??  Oh, just Dylan, and PAUL when he QUESTIONED her.  Michael suddenly remembers how the law works.  “You told the police chief?  You would have advised anyone in this situation not to say a word without an attorney present.”  “But it was an accident,” says Avery.  Michael’s like, omg, how stupid are you?

 

What was she doing in his suite?  She defensively explains about their stupid celebration.  He scolds her for not thinking about how this LOOKS!  He’s her EX-HUSBAND, a man who has PURSUED her RELENTLESSLY.  “I thought we were past that,” whimpers Avery.  But he’s caused numerous problems in her current relationship!  Working for his charity has nothing to do with her, or something.  Dylan interrupts her, and they hug.

 

So, let Michael explain there are certain things they must consider.  “Against all common sense and the most basic tenets of jurisprudence, Avery gave a statement without an attorney present.  So if either of you talk to the police again, you need to get on the same page about this!”  Michael sneers he’s going to find Lauren.  “You need to tell me what really happened,” says Dylan.  He’s going to have to start taking notes about what happened with whom.

 

Sharon’s sleeping on the couch in her darkened cottage.  Noah gets there and turns on the lights.  He can’t bear to go home yet, and Summer’s contaminating the Barbie Townhouse with Kyle, so he hoped he could crash with her tonight.  Sharon sits up groggily.  “How did I get here?”  Noah thinks she might be drunk.  She’s so confused.  Poor Noah, he needs help and everybody’s a mess.  He knows she’s having a tough time right now, but he doesn’t think mixing her meds and alcohol is a good idea.  She looks at the coffee table and GASPS!  It’s the tire iron sticking out of the plastic bag!  “NO!  Nooo…” Way to play it cool. 

 

“What did Joe do exactly?” asks Dylan.  “Doesn’t matter,” says Avery.  “Did he kiss you?  Try to force himself on you?!”  Fine, he kissed her, that’s all.  “I told you he was trying to use this charity to get to you!”  Nooo, he just got swept up in the moment, says obtuse Avery.  “The guy’s a SNAKE!” says Dylan.  TSK TSK, DYLAN!  “How can you say that now? He might not survive the surgery, and it was ME.  I did this!”  Falling off balconies negates all previous snakery.

 

Dylan insists Joe came up with this plan to take advantage her so she would go back to him!  “No, Joe did not deserve this,” she whines, which is not even what Dylan said.  “I neeed him to be okaaay.”  Dylan knows she’s upset and not thinking clearly, but she has to take Michael’s advice and get a lawyer.  She needs to protect herself.  “I don’t need to protect myself against Joe,” she retorts.  Ugh, just go help Sharon, because Avery sucks.  Dr. Barton Shelby returns.  Avery races over.  “Is Joe going to be alright?”  Doc Bart’s face says no.  Dylan turns away.  This asshole is winning the pity contest!!!

 

Kyle’s dressed now, and looks down at the note he wrote in a little notebook for Summer.  “Summer, Today was beautiful.  And it’s ours.  ~Kyle.”  It looks like a high school girl’s handwriting.  I’m surprised he didn’t dot the i with a heart.  He leaves the note on the table, and then picks up the photo of Malibu Austin and Summer.  His eyes narrow and his face hardens with glowering, jealous hatred.  I guess he does NOT dot i’s with hearts.

 

Sharon’s still asking how she got there.  Is she sure she wasn’t drinking?  Sharon stammers, and then Noah notices the tire iron on the table. Wth?  Mom??  “Noah, listen to me. I would never hurt you.  I would never hurt the woman you were going to marry, and it breaks my heart that you think that.”  He didn’t mean it, he was just taking out his anger on her, like he just did to Summer and gross Kyle.  “I’m not really handling this situation very well right now.  That’s why I came here.”  Poor Noah. :(

 

Sharon needs to know that he believes her.  He already apologized, why is she bringing this up again?  Sharon rants crazily about how she WAS mad at Nick, and wanted to stop the video, but no matter how this looks, she didn’t DO IT!  She SAW another car that night!”  Wait, WHAT??  She foolishly tells Noah about the headlights and the tire iron.  The murder weapon.  “I don’t know how it got here.  I don’t know how I got here.  But don’t you see, Noah, they’re trying to set me up!”  THAT’S what was used to kill Austin?!  “My fingerprints are all over it,” she whispers.

 

KABAM!  Summer storms in the door, glaring like the Firestarter.  Private property, bitch.  She barges on in, anyway.  And she looks horrible. What is up with her crusty HAIR and her fivehead?  Why is she even there?  “It WAS YOU! You KILLED them!” she sneers, because Summer has Super Hearing.  Sharon SWEARS she saw someone else throw the tire iron out the window, she doesn’t KNOW how her fingerprints got on it!  Dylan knows!  Call him!  He’ll TELL them she’s being set up!  Stop begging, and kick this asshole out of YOUR house!  Summer pulls out her phone so she can call the POLICE on Sharon!

 

Sharon tries to wrestle the phone away from her, and Summer sit-falls into the soft dragonfly chair.  HELP!  HELP!  Sharon wrestles phones out of people’s hands more than Lindsay Lohan, but Noah pulls her away.  Omg, is Summer OKAY?  Did the chair hurt her butt?!  Noah says they need to calm down and get to the bottom of the situation.  Right, Mom?  Mom??  MOM??  The front door is standing open.  Sharon ran for it!  Run all the way to Port Charles if you can!

 

Lauren walks with Michael in the halls, and he says he’s not talking about his condition anymore.  He’s declaring a moratorium on it.  Let’s talk about Cane joining Fenmore’s.  Lauren’s not sure how Jill will take it.  Michael thinks she’ll be thrilled because she can run Chancellor without Cane being a PITA, and Cane can take Fenmore’s to a whole nother level because he’s a man, I guess.  Blah blah.  Lauren thinks it’s going to be good.

 

Cane finds Lily at the club.  This whole thing about Joe falling off one of THEIR balconies is UNBELIEVABLE.  So anyway, enough about that.  Cane’s kinda excited about this idea he had.  What idea?  Oh, Lily, you know he’s not happy working at Chancellor, because he’s never happy, so he decided to ask Lauren about running Fenmore’s, and he thinks it’s gonna happen.  Lily is rightly surprised, and not in a good way.  “Wow,” she says.  Cane rightly worries.  “Wow…where does that fit on the wow meter, I can’t really gauge” how she’s reacting to him making a major career change without even mentioning it to her.  “It’s just…wow,” says Lily calmly.  He’s still not getting it.  Is she going to hurt him or kiss him?  She says she thinks it will be really good for him, and for their marriage.  I’m not feelin’ it, you guys.  Cane better sleep with one eye open.

 

Avery sits with Joe and whispers in a wavering voice how relieved she is he made it through the surgery.  She clutches his hand.  “I swear I never meant to hurt you.  I will find a way to make this up to you!” she cries.  Dylan watches through the window in dismay.  Sharon calls.  “This isn’t a good time,” says Dylan.  I’m way behind in the pity contest.  Sharon’s calling from her car.  “I’m just calling...to say goodbye.”  No, Sharon, wait!

 

She hangs up and weeps.

[peacheslatour]

 

Oh, Lily, you know he’s not happy working at Chancellor, because he’s never happy,

Ye gods, no shit.  I don't know how you do it peach but you manage to wring some humor out of this train wreck.

[movinon]

 

“She was your best friend, Summer.  And she is lying on a slab, in a drawer right now…while you’re hooking up with---“ Ugh, he doesn’t even finish.  Kyle protests.  Don’t take this out on Summer because wah.  “AND YOU, Kyle!  I mean, never one to pass up on an opportunity, right?!  But using this, man, to get her in bed?  That’s pretty low,” he laughs bitterly.  It wasn’t LIKE THAT, Noah.  This is Special.

This is one scene I did watch, hoping that Noah was at least going to punch one of the douchbags, or hopefully both, but no.  Now, he is on my shit list for attacking his own mother, and I liked him.  The things they are having Sharon do are beyond stupid.  She want Dylan to believe in her, they are the only ones who know the tire iron is locked in the drawer, so she goes to take it and do what with it?  Could someone explain to me how this will help Dylan believe in her - Sorry, Bi-Polar is not enough to cover the idiotic things she is doing.  My brain is tired and the vodka is not doing it.  Just can't.

[peach]

Ye gods, no shit.  I don't know how you do it peach but you manage to wring some humor out of this train wreck.

Thanks.  There are only a few drops no matter how hard I twist at the moment.  I did think that scene was hilarious.  OMG, JOE FELL OF THE BALCONY AT OUR HOTEL!  So, anyway, I was thinking of working at Fenmore's.  lol

 

And I can't even with this Fenmore's thing.  If they want to force Cane and Lauren together, FINE, but this "business" angle is laughable.  So Jill didn't make anything out of it, but Super Cane is going to take it to the next level.  And if he's so damn magically amazing, why aren't they expanding the GCAC into a line of boutique hotels.  That would even be mildly interesting.  Instead, Cane's leaving Chancellor for an actual boutique.  A BOUTIQUE.  That's INSIDE his hotel.  Maybe next he can take over a lemonade stand, so he can be Number One and not have to listen to these womenfolk anymore. 

[peach]

This is one scene I did watch, hoping that Noah was at least going to punch one of the douchbags, or hopefully both, but no.  Now, he is on my shit list for attacking his own mother, and I liked him.  The things they are having Sharon do are beyond stupid.  She want Dylan to believe in her, they are the only ones who know the tire iron is locked in the drawer, so she goes to take it and do what with it?  Could someone explain to me how this will help Dylan believe in her - Sorry, Bi-Polar is not enough to cover the idiotic things she is doing.  My brain is tired and the vodka is not doing it.  Just can't.

 

I forgive him just because he hates Kyle.  And he shamed Summer.  Especially after the earlier episode where everyone has to minister to poor, pathetic Summer because she's so DEVASTATED by Courtney's death, but then she went to a party and shacked up with Kyle.  Meanwhile nobody can be bothered taking care of Noah.

 

The stuff they have Sharon doing is just idiotic.  She's supposed to be crazy, not stupid.  Somehow she's supposed to be enormously clever and devious, AND impulsively STUPID at the same time.  Like epically stupid.  And clever.  I guess that's the bi in bi-polar according to this show.  If this takes a year to clear up, I'm going to cry.

[peach]

Tue, Apr 14   Shut Up, Kyle!

 

At the hospital, Avery practically lays on top of Joe’s body while she promises to make all this up to him.  Repeat of Sharon calling Dylan from the roadside to say…goodbye.  She hangs up and weeps prettily in her car.  Those earrings would go great with the shirt I’m wearing.  She pulls herself together a little bit and tries to start her car.  It won’t start, of course.  NO!  No, no, no, no, NO!  She pounds on the steering wheel in despair.

 

Noah comes into the cottage and tells crusty haired Summer that Mom is gone.  Seriously, it’s like she woke up with bedhead and then put hairspray on it.  She possibly even dyed it darker between sex with Kyle and barging in over here.  Summer bitches that a murderer’s on the loose, while making herself comfortable in said murderer’s living room. 

 

“Take it easy with that, okay, there’s no way that she killed Courtney and Austin.”  Summer bleats that Sharon sprinted out the door after ATTACKING her.  Noah can’t even.   “She didn’t ATTACK you,” you sat down in an easy chair.  “Noah, she RAAAAN, that’s not the behavior of someone who’s innocent!”  He says she was just trying to get away from this horrific whinespeak.  They argue, and Noah says this is only because HE turned on Sharon!  “Without me, she doesn’t have a friend in the world!”

 

Dylan’s leaving Sharon a voicemail.  What is going on?  Call him when she gets this!  Paul walks up.  “Going to Sharon’s?” he asks nosily.  Dylan stares at him for a second.  “What if I am?”  Paul grimaces.  “Aren’t you supposed to be here supporting Avery?”  Daaa-aaad, you’re always DOING THIS!

 

Avery blathers and cries about never wanting to hurt Joe.  If she could just go back, there are SO MANY things she would do over.  If he makes it out of this--  The  monitors start beeping!  JOE! JOE! JOE!

 

Phyllis is THRILLED to get to St Bart’s with Jack.  She looks fantastic.  They’re so ready to get married.  He turns off both their cell phones so NO ONE will interrupt them.  Romance ensues.

 

Billy gets home from his trip and starts angrily yelling for Jack.  Ashley comes out in one of her horrid nightgown blouses.  She tells him Jack left to get married and nobody knows where.  Billy’s super annoyed.  “A secret marriage location?  WHO does that?” he complains.  Someone who doesn’t want to be bothered by YOU.  Ashley wants to know if he found out how Jabot’s servers got hacked.  “Not only how, but by WHO.”

 

Victor meets Victoria at the club.  She says the PI he hired sent her the security video of the person who got into their servers.  So they DID get hacked.  Victor looks at the video.  “Are you serious?  Well, I’llbedamned,” says Victor.  We watch Jack Abbott sneak into their server room.   Hmm, must be the same Jack who likes sex on The Underground floor and wearing sweaters.  Victor cackles.

 

After the commercials, Victor acts mystified.  How could Jack get in there when he needs a code for that?  A code few people have, including the two of them.  Dad, you’re not blaming HER for this, are you?  No, but she could have had the code written down somewhere.  “Dad, I would never be that careless.  I keep the code on my phone.”  Duh.  LOL.  Right, because that’s secure.   Victor points out how stupid Sweetheart is, because her phone is at home sometimes.  WHAT?  Victoria takes umbrage.  “I hope you’re not suggesting that Ben stole the code and gave it to Jack and Ashley!”  Of course not, Stitch is not that kind of person.  He’s not clever enough.  But there is this OTHER man that comes to mind.  Victoria’s  incensed.  She doesn’t have other men hanging about the house!  Oh, really?  How about that Billy Abbott?  He comes over to visit the children, doesn’t he?  Vicky’s like, oh, yeah.

 

Ashley says this doesn’t make ANY SENSE! Billy says to get in the server room, you need a thumbprint ID, and it’s time stamped!  Jack was the only one in the computer room when it was hacked!  Do the writers actually even know that hacking is usually done VIA COMPUTERS from somewhere else?  Either way, there’s no mistaking THIS.  Here’s another video of “Jack” sneaking into his OWN server room when the hack takes place.  It all fits.  “It doesn’t fit!” says Ashley.  “Why would he do it?”

 

Jack helps Phyllis get zipped into her wedding dress.  They have beaten the odds.  He can’t imagine whoever is looking out for them would allow them to find happiness, only to lose it.  Ask Shick about anvils like that.  Phyllis shows off her dress.  It’s okay, I guess, extremely form fitting with spaghetti straps.  Jack arranged for a private beach with a minister there to do the honors.  “Let’s go get married,” says Phyllis with happy tears.  The dress is more strappy in the back, which helps somewhat.  They trot away.

 

Summer power pouts in Sharon’s house while Noah tries to reach her by phone.  She isn’t answering.  “Would you answer if YOU killed two people?” snaps Summer.  How much more proof does Noah NEED?! What proof, says Noah.  They argue and goat bleat over Sharon’s story and the “proof” in the plastic bag, while ignoring the bloody bookend with SUMMER’S fingerprints all over it, that they also stuck in a plastic bag. “Do you want to call the police, or should I?” bitches Summer.

 

Sharon  tells herself she can figure this out. She picks up her phone, then says, no, they’ll know she was planning to run!  “I can’t stay here all night!” she weeps.  I have a crazy idea.  CALL MARIAH.   She doesn’t, though, and then lights shine in her eyes again.  ALIENS!  Nope, it’s a car, and Kreepy Kyle gets out.  “Going somewhere, Sharon?” he snarks, with his glowering rage eyes.

 

“WHERE’S THE DOCTOR, DAMMIT!” screams Avery.  Dr. Barton Shelby shows up and takes charge. Avery shrieks and complains until Doc Bart yells at her.  You know how Doc Bart is about pesky visitors.  “Do you want him to survive this?  THEN GET OUT OF MY WAY AND LET ME DO MY JOB!”

 

Dylan wasn’t aware he had to report his comings and goings to Paul.  “Why are you so worried about Sharon?” presses Paul.  Why does he think Dylan’s so worried about Sharon?  It’s gotta be pretty significant for him to desert his fiancée.  “Avery doesn’t even remember I’m out here, she’s focused on Joe,” complains Dylan.  “And you seem focused on Sharon,” says Paul.  “So tell me, what are you protecting her from?”  Geez, Paul’s like dog poo you can’t scrape off your shoe. 

 

“Is that why you came down here, to ask me questions I’ve already answered,” snaps Dylan.  Actually, he came by to focus on Joe Clark’s alleged accident.  Dylan raises his brows.  “ALLEGED?”  Avery wanders out of Joe’s room.  She gasps about Barton trying to stabilize Joe, and throws herself in Dylan’s arms.  “If he doesn’t make it…OMG, what have I done?!”  Paul frowns and takes out a notebook.  Lol.

 

He gets interrupted by a call from Noah.  His mom ran off, because of…things.  Things that don’t look good.   He’s worried about her.  Paul says for Noah and Summer to stay put in Sharon’s house, and he’ll issue a Be On The Lookout Alert (not making that up), and he’ll be over there to inappropriately be in Sharon’s house with the rest of them.

 

Crusty Hair says Noah did the right thing. The door bursts open, and there are Sharon and Kreepy Kyle.  “Get inside and stay there,” he orders.  Sharon punches him in the throat!  Just kidding.  Kyle sneers that he found Sharon allll the way out on Route 7, where her car had died.  Summer sneers and shakes her head.  Umm, what was Kyle doing all the way out Route 7?  Nobody asks that.  “Were you trying to leave town??” asks Noah.  Yes, says Sharon. “Only something a guilty person would do,” sneers Summer.  GTFO of Sharon’s cottage!

 

Jack and Phyllis come rushing back in their suite under beach towels.  Doggone it, the storm drove them back inside.  Blah blah, they’re going to get married tonight, no matter what.  Reverend Knudsen comes in.  It’s not the beach, but they won’t have sand in their bed tonight.  They hug!

 

Ashley and Billy can’t get a hold of either Jack or Phyllis.  Ashley says they have to keep this between themselves!  The doorbell rings!  Ash says it’s kind of late for visitors.  “Not this one, he sleeps in a coffin by day,” snarks Billy.  It’s Victor AND Victoria.  They smugly come in and say they have evidence that JACK broke into the Newman computer files.  “But then you knew about that, didn’t you?” Victor says to Billy.

 

So, the Swedish minister “comically” marries Jack and Phyllis in his Muppets Swedish chef voice, while they giggle at his accent.  Yak takes Phyllis to be his wedded wife, and will go with the ghost.  (Whither thou goest?)  Exchange of rings.  “You may make with the kiss.”  Phack kisses and it’s official.

 

Doc Bart comes out and explains Joe just had a nervous system reaction to anesthesia.   Avery goes in to see him.   She holds his hand again. He starts waking up. He sort of remembers being on the balcony and kissing Avery.  “And I reacted badly” to his unwanted advances, she says.  And sort of pushed him too hard.  She explains he just came out of surgery to stabilize his spine.  “Well, that’s one way to find out you can’t fly,” he mumbles.  I see what you did there.  Avery says she explained to Paul that it was all her fault. 

 

JOE worries about Avery.  She’s not to blame, he was too close to the railing.  Because of course.  It’s not like she’s SHARON.  It’s totally okay that AVERY pushed him off a balcony.  “I got you, Avery, I’m not gonna let you take the fall for this, I promise,” he says.

 

Paul and Dylan show up to Sharon’s cottage, and a uniformed cop is already there.  Summer stands guard with her hands on her hips and a pouty frown.  GEEET OOOOUT!  Sharon says she’s not going anywhere.  “But you were!  She’s obviously a flight risk,” interjects Summer.  “What are you, an attorney now?” snaps Noah.  Paul relieves the uniformed guy, and asks if Summer’s right.  IS she a flight risk?  Sharon says she just needed some time to figure out how to get of this.  “How to get out of paying for your crimes?” sneers Kyle.  You can also GTFO!!!  “Shut up, KYLE!” says Noah.

 

Sharon says she’s trying to convince the people who have already convicted her that she’s INNOCENT.  And give the police more time to catch the real killer.  “I changed my mind about disappearing. I was GOING to come back, but then my car died.”  Summer and Kyle fold their arms because they are NOT having this.  “Oh, please.  Do NOT let her fool you!” says Summer.  “She just came back to bury the evidence that she didn’t take with her the first time when she totally could have gotten rid of it.  THIS is the murder weapon,” Summer, says, handing the tire iron over to Paul.  Hey, let’s ALL touch it.  #wheresthebookend

 

Dylan freaks out.  “How’d that get here?”  Paul’s like, how do YOU know about this? Um, it was in Avery’s office.  Sharon admits she went back to get it, but someone grabbed her from behind, and the next thing she remembers, Noah was standing over her back here.  “This is greaaat,” smarms Kyle.  “So someone grabbed you, knocked you out, and then dragged you and the murder weapon back here?  You really expect us to BELIEVE THAT?” Sounds as reasonable as being stuck in a ravine while Austin’s body was dragged outside and then someone dragged it into a car wreck miles away, while you had his blood in your car.  Right, Kyle?  Sharon’s just hoping Paul will believe it.

 

The Newmans and Abbotts bicker over who could have gotten the security code to get into the server room.  Billy knows perfectly well that stupid Victoria kept all that highly sensitive information on her cell phone.  Yeah, AND?  Vicky accuses him of using visitation with the kids to swipe her phone and steal the code.  Still on you, dumbo. 

 

“The hell I did!” says Billy.  Why not accuse Stitch?  He LIVES there!  “Because you are a punk,” says Victor.  Billy says this is just like old times.  Victoria whines that Stitch wouldn’t know the password!  “But you WOULD, because it’s our WEDDING DATE.”  Omg, Victoria needs to be FIRED.

 

Phyllis comes out of the traditional post wedding bath, and Jack says he was busy ordering champagne and whatnot.   She jokes about the Swedish minister, and Jack acts confused, but then recovers.  They make out.   Passionate passion ensues.

 

Billy reminds Victoria they’re divorced.  “And only an idiot would think his ex-wife used their wedding date as a password.”  Yes, indeed, only an idiot would, smiles Victor.  I don’t think he realizes he kinda just called Victoria the idiot.  Look, Billy never touched her damn cell phone. “We’ll see about that, Billyboy.  We’re handing it over to the authorities along with the starring role of your brother on the surveillance footage.  Youhaveaniceevening.”  He walks out, but Ashley stops him.  “Your hands aren’t clean on this.  You’re involved, somehow, some way.”  Well, it ain’t his face on the surveillance tape.  He suggest she direct her suspicions at her brother.

 

Victoria will catch up in a minute.  She’s having a stare down with Billy.   “You wanna know what really hurt the worst?  Was that little act you put on at the club.”  Billy protests while Vicky rants about how sincere he acted about the security breach.  She can’t believe she fell for all his crap about trust and not putting their family in the middle.  Trying to convince her he would never hate her?!  That was all your blathering crap, Victoria.  But she says it was a LIE.  IT WAS ALL A LIE!  She stomps out.

 

Avery bustles over Joe, and Doc Bart comes in to check on him.   His heart sounds good.  Joe asks when he’s getting out of there, while oblivious to Doc Bart touching his feet, etc.  He leaves.  Joe admits he can’t feel his legs.  “Is it true, Avery?  Am I paralyzed?”
Sharon insists she would NEVER kill her son’s fiancée!   It’s not in her.  “And Mr. Hyde wasn’t inside Dr. Jekyll, either,” smarms Kyle.  WHY is he still there?  Paul wants to know about this tire iron.  Sharon should grab it right now and smear her hands all over it like Richard Gere in Final Analysis.  Paul wants to know who found it and how it ended up in Avery’s office.  Dylan says she has nothing to do with this.  She was busy pushing people off balconies!  “But YOU do,” says Paul.  So start talking, or he’s going arrest both of them RIGHT NOW!

 

Joe asks Avery if she asked the doc if this was permanent.  Well…it’s possible.  Joe looks away.  She doesn’t have to feel sorry for him, he’ll be fine.  Of course he’ll be fine, no matter what happens!  He just won a GOLD MEDAL in the Pity Olympics!!  Joe will tell her EXACTLY what’s gonna happen.  He’ll get up out of this bed and walk out of this hospital, she’ll see!  Avery nods!

 

Paul thinks it’s good police work to go over Sharon’s story in front of multiple other witnesses/suspects/trespassers.  Great idea.  Dylan stands with his arm around Sharon.  Blah blah car blah tire iron blah.  “It was right where Sharon said it would be,” says Dylan.  “Imagine that,” sneers Summer.  “If she was guilty, why would she lead us to it?” says Noah.  They admit it had Sharon’s fingerprints on it, which they know because Dylan made Avery test it to absolve Sharon.  “I see.  Were there any OTHER discoveries that are inadmissible??”  Oh, just traces of Austin’s blood.  “Tell me, Dylan, did it ever ONCE occur to you, you MIGHT want to come to the police with this??  DAMMIT, the coroner has to examine that tire iron to see if it matches the wounds on Austin!”  But not the bookend.  “There is such a thing as chain of evidence!” which has so far been IGNORED.

 

“Now that you know the truth…what are you gonna DO about it?” smirks Kyle.  “OH, SHUT UP, KYLE!” snaps Paul.  “I’ll TELL YOU what I’d like to DO about it!  I’d like to HAUL YOU ALL IN for obstruction!!  And interfering in a police investigation!  I’d like to put EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU IN JAIL, if I thought it would do any good!” he shouts.  “But it won’t.  So I’m just going to arrest YOU, Sharon,” he says, pulling out his cuffs.  OMG, I can feeeel you trolling me, show!!!!

 

Ashley tells Billy that Jack’s assistant is trying to get a hold of him. “So what did you find more surprising, Billy?  The fact that Victoria’s still using your wedding date as her pass code?  Or that your brother is up to his eyebrows in something seriously illegal?”  They wonder how all this happened and how it fell in Victor’s lap.  Ashley knows Billy didn’t steal the code from Victoria, because he wouldn’t do that. “I know it, and you know it, but Victoria DOESN’T.  Which makes me wonder how well I know HER,” complains Billy.

 

Victor and Victoria confer at the club bar.  They have to consider their next move carefully.  “We cannot allow JackAbbott to finagle himself out of this one.”  Vicky wonders why Jack would do this at all.  Why break into Newman’s files when Jabot is so profitable?  Why not leave well enough alone.  “Because he hates my guts,” says Victor.  He hates their company.  He launched a preemptive attack because he hates them, says the guy who just stole their latest formula.  Victoria supposes so, but she can’t help but feel there’s more to the story, like..reality.

 

Phack drink champagne in bed.  Blah blah wedding afterglow.  They snuggle.  Phyllis worries.  It doesn’t feel real.  It’s the first time in a very long time that everything’s perfect.

 

OMG.  Phyllis is in bed with an imposter!!  REAL JACK is gagged and bound in restraints, tied to a metal bed in some dungeon type room.  He struggles, and then the door opens and a lady’s legs approach the bed.  Jack looks up in terror. It’s Kelly, of course.  “Hello, Jack!” she grins like a loon.  His expression of fear and horror is EPIC.

[PatsyandEddie]

“OH, SHUT UP, KYLE!” snaps Paul.

 

Line of the day. If only he'd bitchslapped him afterwards.

 

 

It’s the first time in a very long time that everything’s perfect.

 

Hope everyone caught this subtle ANVIL!!  Geez Chuckles, nothing like beating us over the head.

 

As always Peach, perfection.****** applause******

[movinon]

 

It’s gotta be pretty significant for him to desert his fiancée.  “Avery doesn’t even remember I’m out here, she’s focused on Joe,” complains Dylan.  “And you seem focused on Sharon,” says Paul.

I was happy that Dylan was not Ian's son in the beginning, but the more Mary Paul tries to control and mother the poor guy, the more I find myself liking Dylan - the sky is falling.

 

Yak takes Phyllis to be his wedded wife, and will go with the ghost.  (Whither thou goest?)

Unashamedly stolen from "Best Friends" with Goldie and Burt, (I dee in dow), but why not.  Everything Pratt does is stolen from one place or another.

 

Yes, indeed, only an idiot would, smiles Victor.  I don’t think he realizes he kinda just called Victoria the idiot.

I want to remove that smile from Victor's face with a bottle of acid.  AND Victoria is an idiot, so he is basically correct for once.

 

Great job, peach - reading this recap just reminds me how far the show has fallen in only a week.  I don't know how you find the strength to keep doing this, but please don't quit.  

Edited April 19, 2015 by movinon

[peach]

Great job, peach - reading this recap just reminds me how far the show has fallen in only a week.  I don't know how you find the strength to keep doing this, but please don't quit.  

 

The episode of April 14 marks ONE YEAR since I started doing the recaps.  So Happy Anniversary! 

 

So, let's see, how far have we come in a year? 

 

We were behind the scenes at the big Jabot fashion show, which was supposed to become an annual event, but nobody's been running the fashion division for a very long time.  Neil was kissing Hilary for the first time.  Leslie had returned as Mrs. Dr. Barton Shelby.  Chloe was going off the rails.  Kelly was still a tall, sad kindergarten teacher for two more days, and Stitch was still a doctor.  Shick was picking up steam.  Fake Cassie was still running loose.  Abby and Tyler were boringly engaged.  Phyllis was asleep.  Adam was a hand.  Austin was just a guy with dimples and tall hair, and didn't have a name yet.  Avery was torturing us with that stupid cooking show.  Ian Ward was back to cause mayhem after his mistrial .  Nikki was drinking. Billy was small and scrappy and whiny.  Summer was whining about something.

 

ETA:  SHARON HAD A SEKRIT!  And VICTOR WAS GOING TO DESTROY HER!  In 2015, Sharon has a murder secret, and Victor is trying to destroy, well, everyone.

Edited April 19, 2015 by peach

[movinon]

Happy anniversary!  Show was bad enough then, but so much better than now.  I can't believe I didn't even know this board existed when you started doing these - I was searching boards for Red, who turned out the be Canadian here.  I found her in July, and found so much more, too.  It feels like I've been here forever - Thanks to all of you for that.  

Edited April 19, 2015 by movinon

[NinjaPenguins]

Happy Anniversary!

I think you could safely name all future recaps "Shut up, Kyle!" and not go astray.

[peach]

This show owes me a shirtless Adam, with a rose clenched in his teeth, in return for that ridiculous scene at the cottage, when Paul flat out announced that he was ONLY arresting Sharon.  Just to show me they care.  I can't tell if they're laughing with us or AT us.  lol 

 

If you love me, show, I'll have that by the end of June. 

[Capricasix]

Remember all the Sturm und Drang when TWoP announced they were closing down? We are well rid of them. Previously is much better - and we get bunnies if we're naughty!

[miamama]

Things do have a way of turning out, don't they Capricasix! :-)

 

Happy anniversary!!!

[peacheslatour]

 

“Well, that’s one way to find out you can’t fly,” he mumbles.  I see what you did there. 

I KNEW it!  They read this board!  Happy Anniversary peach!  I can't believe that you've hung in there with the re-caps for a whole year and yet you appear to have not lost your mind.  Kudos!

[Slowpokey]

Remember all the Sturm und Drang when TWoP announced they were closing down? We are well rid of them. Previously is much better - and we get bunnies if we're naughty!

Yes I do love this board a whole lot better than TWOP! The mods are fantastic on here!

[movinon]

Yes I do love this board a whole lot better than TWOP! The mods are fantastic on here!

Can't comment on TWOP - know nothing about it, but the mods are for sure fantastic here.  Cheers to all of us for that.

[Blueeyes]

Congrats Peach!!  Love your recaps.....I don't know how you do it!!

[Joimiaroxeu]

you've hung in there with the re-caps for a whole year and yet you appear to have not lost your mind

I dunno, do we know it's been peach doing them all this time or has perhaps Doppelpeach showed up? DUN, DUN, DUN!

 

Seriously, thank you peach for your hard work and dedication to this task. It's a sorry state of affairs when the recaps are way more entertaining than the show itself but yay for us for getting to read and enjoy them. Brava!

Edited April 19, 2015 by Joimiaroxeu

[peach]

Wed  4/15/15   PART ONE  Don't Irritate Kelly

 

Phyllis wakes up in her awesome honeymoon suite.  She can’t find Doppel Jack for a minute, but he was just getting their fancy breakfast.  Don’t do that again, honey.  If she wakes up without you, she feels like she’s waking up from her coma and this was all a dream.  So you have to wait for her to wake up every single day.  “This is not a dream.  This is real,” says Doppel Jack, kissing her.  Real weird.

 

Real Jack is screaming for help because he’s still tied to the bed in the dungeon/barn or wherever he is.  Kelly comes trilling in.  She hopes he got some sleep last night because all that screaming must have EXHAUSTED him, she says brightly.  Well, he’s not going to stop yelling until someone hears him!  “Jack, do you think I would have removed that gag if I thought anyone could HEAR you?”  Silly Jack.

 

He angrily demands to know where he is, how he got there!!  The last thing he remembers was being in a hotel room with Phyllis!  “Well, I’m hurt!  All this time, and not ONE WORD about how happy you are I’m alive!”  He’s still trying to wrap his head around that one. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  WHAT DO YOU WANT?!  Kelly smiles sweetly.  “Jack. You know what I want.  I want you.”  Jack doesn’t look scared this time, he just rolls his eyes because Kelly is a super annoying kidnapper.

 

Nick got a haircut!  It looks really good, I’m pained to admit.  He’s in his slightly more finished office, yelling at a reporter on the phone.  “I SAID NO COMMENT, DAMMIT!”  There’s a knock on the door.  Great, it’s Victoria, so I have to endure the special snowflake twins talking about Sharon.  Nick wonders if she could explain how he could have been SO wrong about someone he’s known and loved for most of his life. “To think that Sharon could be capable of killing Summer’s husband and Noah’s fiancée?  Maybe I never knew her at all,” he says.  Or maybe she didn’t do it, idiot.   

 

Victoria can [make it about herself] relate by comparing Sharon committing double murders of her kids’ spouses to Billy looking at her phone for a password.  She thought things were going really good with Billy, but he was just using her to help Jack get the upper hand on Dad.  It’s not like she was looking behind all Billy’s firewalls at Victor's behest or anything.  Nick thought they were done with all the Hatfield & McCoy stuff.  Apparently not, and she hates losing all the goodwill they built up with Billy always kissing her ass.  Especially when she thought they might---   “Might what?” asks Nick.  Might go back to Billy worshiping her full time.

 

Billy is frustrated at the club as he leaves yet ANOTHER urgent message for Jack.  Can you believe how irresponsible Jack is?  Ashley’s tried a bunch of times, too.  Gabe joins them.  “What are we going to do about this?” he asks.  “WE?” smirks Billy.  Yeah, Ashley told Gabe about the surveillance videos that show Jack breaking into the server rooms. It’s not good.  “Still don’t see what that has to do with YOU.”  Hey, if Jack’s in trouble, Gabe wants to help him out.  And he still can’t believe Jack would do something so unbelievably stupid.  Instead of listening, Billy tries to school Gabe on why he doesn’t belong in this.  “You have no idea how deep the hatred goes between Jack and Victor.”  Adam little boy smirks. 

 

Sage interrupts.  She plops divorce papers and a pen on the table.  If he could just go ahead and sign them, they can get on with their lives.  Awkward.  Ashley gives a polite little gasp over Rudey McRude over here.  Adam’s like, real nice, Sage.

 

Victoria tells Nick she and Billy have just been spending a lot of time together, since she’s part of his package.  And, you know, they had a few close moments.  “How close?” asks Nick, but Victors walks in an interrupts.  “There you are, My Boy, and Sweetheart!”  Sweetheart has to get to a meeting with Lily, and leaves.

 

“Sooo, I guess I’d like to talk to you about Sharon’s murder,” says Victor.  I guess that was a Freudian slip.  Nick says a Newman getting arrested for murder is…pretty [normal] big news.  He snaps that he can handle the press.  Victor doesn’t giveadamn about those vultures.  He’s con-cerned about Nick.

 

Thanks, but Nick doesn’t need his advice on this situation.  “If you intend to run to Sharon’s defense as you always do in these cases, then you are in dire need of counsel.”  Nick politely tells him to butt out. “We’re this close to her being out of our lives,” says Victor.  Nick says Sharon is Faith’s MOTHER.  What does he think it will do to Faith if she loses her mom?  “This sounds terrible, but in the long run, she’ll be better off.”  Really, and how is he supposed to explain her sudden disappearance?  “You tell her that her mother will spend the rest of her life in prison.”  What's the big deal?

 

Nick’s shocked.  Why, I don’t know.  “You would SAY THAT to a seven year old girl?!”  Come to your senses, son, shouldn’t she hear it from Nick before she gets kicked out of another slumber party?  OPEN YOUR EYES.  Nick will not debate this with him.  “Son, I know she’s a beautiful, alluring woman” that I tried to have for myself and now must destroy since she got away.  “But I think it’s time for you to get your head out of the sand.  You’ve got to start seeing people for who they really are, not for who they pretend to be.”  Unless it’s me. 

 

Adam takes Sage to the side.  Is she trying to embarrass him in front his colleagues?  He sounds actually hurt at first, but then reverts to haughtily reminding her who she’s dealing with.  “Oh, I know exactly who I’m dealing with.  And if you don’t sign these divorce papers, so will everybody else,” she threatens.  I like how Sage pretends she can stick to Adam without sticking it to herself.  She’s committed more crimes than he has at this point.  Then again, she did happily screw herself out of millions of dollars, so who knows what she’s capable of.  Blah blah.  She stomps off.

 

Billy pouts.  Ashley says he seems more upset about Gabriel’s divorce than he does.  Duh, Bingham’s going to go after Chelsea now.  Ashley noticed how hurt Billy was when Victoria accused him of stealing her password.  “I was going for pissed,” complains Billy.  “I didn’t look pissed?”  Nope, he looked hurt.  Billy can’t blame her, because he has done things to make her doubt him.   Ashley thought they were in a good place, always hanging around being disgusting with each other.  He thought so, too.  “But if she’s that quick to see the worst in me, maybe we just need some space from each other.”  Wah.

 

Can we talk about Ashley’s scarf?  Is it a scarf?  Or long lapels.  She’s wearing some kind of white duster thing, and possibly a white scarf with heavy, black fringe.  It’s missing piano keys, I think.  Anyway, I can’t condone white before Memorial Day.  I just can’t.

 

Wait, what are they talking about again?  Oh, Ashley’s noticed Stitch has been spending a LOT more time with Abby than Victoria.  “Well, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Abby has boundary issues,” says BILLY ABBOTT.  Stitch is cool, though.  Ash says he’s not as true blue as he seems.  He told her he cares for Abby.  “Like cares cares?”  She just has “a feeling” that Stitch isn’t the roadblock Billy thinks he is.   Special Snowflake Victoria wanders into the bar so they can stare wistfully at each other.

 

Kelly loves you, Jack.  She’s never stopped loving you.  “Enough to fake your own death?” he says angrily.  “WHY?  How does this all work in your mind?”  Oh, it’s not in her mind, Jack, this is in reality.  You may have noticed you’re really tied to a bed.  “What’s going to happen is you’re going to remember everything.  How we met, what it was like when we were together,” she sing songs.  “And then, you’re going to realize that you love me.” 

 

Seems like there’s a radically simple way to get out of this, but Jack desperately tells her he CAN’T give her what she wants!!  “Yes, ya can, Jack.  And you will…orrr…or..”  Uh-oh, she trembles a little bit.  OR WHAT?  Oh, never mind.  It’s not going to happen, so there’s nothing to worry about, she smiles.  Jack says this ISN’T going to work!  People are going to realize he’s gone!  Phyllis has probably called the police by now!  “You don’t have to worry about Phyllis.  She’s being well taken care of.”  Jack fights his restraints!!!

 

Phyllis is having a blast.  Doppel Jack is feeding her grapes in bed.  He also must have packed a lot of Viagra, because they’re at it again.  Doppel Jack is a randy fellow.

 

“What have you done to Phyllis?” demands Jack.  Oh, don’t worry about her, she’s fine!  She is getting exactly what she deserves. It doesn't seem very perilous.  “If you hurt her, I swear to God—“  “You know what, Jack, all this concern about Phyllis is starting to irritate me.  And I don’t want to be irritated.  Especially after what she did to me!”  What PHYLLIS did to KELLY?  Yeah, they were happy, and Phyllis came back and RUINED everything!  If she hadn’t done that, KELLY would have married him yesterday.  Jack’s stunned for some reason.  “You know about the wedding?  You FOLLOWED US!”  That’s generally how kidnapping works.  He says she committed the crimes, jumped bail, faked her own death!  Jack saw PROOF!  He saw PICTURES of her on a slab that VICTOR gave to Phyllis!

 

“HE’S BEHIND THIS!  ISN’T HE? ISN’T HE?!” screams Jack.  “TELL ME, WHAT IS HIS GAME?  TELL ME, TELL ME, DAMMIT!”  Kelly’s heard just about enough from you, Mr. Man.  She goes around a corner to pour a vial of something into a coffee mug.  “You need to calm down, Jack!  I bet you need something to drink.”  She brings him the mug. 

 

She may be crazy, but she’s dressed really cute in a loose, red top, and cuffed boyfriend jeans, and wedges.  I wish they would have let her dress like this before they made her crazy.  Jack doesn’t want a drink, he wants her let him go!  Oh, she will, once they get back on track. For now…DRINK!!  She forces some stuff down his throat.

 

Victor says it would be a good idea to keep Faith as far away from Sharon as possible, and keep his distance from her also.  Bye, Dad.  He bumps into what’s-her-name in the hall.  It’s Sage.  So what was Nick’s dad doing there?  “Oh, he was trying to convince me that Sharon’s a homicidal maniac, and the whole world will be a lot better if she’s locked up.”  Sage laughs.  Clearly, he was exaggerating?  Nope.  Think long and hard about dating this guy’s son, Sage. 

 

So, she has good news.  She served Gabe with divorce papers!  He wasn’t happy about losing his inheritance, but it frees him up to go after what he really wants.  Which is?  “What we all want,” smiles Sage.  “Real love.”  But not dinner.

 

Ashley says she’s going to ask Victor directly if he will hold off on going to the authorities until Jack comes home to explain himself.  Billy’s like, wow, what a good idea, Victor’s so reasonable.  So, even though it’s a bad idea, he thinks he should go along, which is an even worse idea.  Ashley points out Billy will only incite him, and they don’t want to do that.  Gabe says he’ll go.  Ashley thinks that’s great, because Gabe could be a CALMING influence since he has no agenda against him.  FINE, Billy will stand aside for Gabe, just this once.   Yeah, and pick up the check, too.

 

They leave, and Billy walks over to Victoria.  Look, he’s not going to try to defend Jack.  Not when he has his own proof that Jack’s guilty.  Vicky looks surprised.

 

Jack’s all sweaty and delirious.  “You have to sleeeep, Jack, sleeeep.”   I guess she gave him some poppies, poppies!  “Dream of how you pursued me.”  FLASHBACK!  He invites Kelly to their first lunch date.  “You wanted me, Jack, only meee.”  FLASHBACK!  They blather about Phyllis’ fire and passion and how he wants to be with her if she wakes up from the coma. 

 

Jack’s all confused.  “I miss her,” he mumbles.  He looks groggily at Kelly.  “I miss you,” he says.  “Aww, I’m right here, sweetheart.  I really think we can make it this time.”  FLASHBACK to yesterday’s wedding, and Phyllis saying they really can make it this time.  “Let’s go get married,” says Phyllis.

 

Jack deliriously looks at Kelly.  “Til death do us part,” he mumbles.  “That’s right, Jack.  Til death do us part,” says Kelly.  You first, babe.  He passes out.

 

Doppel Jack and Phyllis are having happy pillow talk.  She feels a little guilty about leaving Summer, though.  Maybe she should check her messages.  Doppel Jack will go get a shower going, then.  Phyllis checks her phone, and GASP.  There are TONS of messages!!  Emergency at Jabot!  “Anything from Summer?” he asks.  No.  He takes the phone and turns it off.  “We agreed.  No interruptions,” he says.  Phyllis frowns.  There’s obviously something important going on at Jabot.  It’s not like him to ignore something like that.  Doppel Jack flaps his mouth just like Real Jack.

 

Billy is such a sap, he tells Victoria all about them finding video of Jack messing with JABOT’S servers, too.  So he sabotaged his own company’s files and tried to frame her dad for it??  Why is he telling her this?  Because he wants back in your pants.  But Billy says they have to find some way to deal with this situation that doesn’t hurt both of their families.  Victoria scoffs.  Does he really think that’s possible?  Well, they have to trust each other, and she has to believe he didn’t steal her stupid password.   Well, it really hurt Snowflake to think he would betray her like that.  No more than it hurt Billy for her to accuse him of it!  Okay, she’s sorry.  She just lost sight of her trust. 

 

Billy says Victor has a way of blurring her vision about him.  She promises not to let him anymore.  Billy hopes she means that, because she can’t tell Victor what he just told her about Jack.  Seems like you should have started with that, Billy.  Vicky looks skeptical.

Edited April 19, 2015 by peach

[peacheslatour]

 

You have to sleeeep, Jack, sleeeep.”   I guess she gave him some poppies, poppies!  “

*snork*

[glowlights]

Does Doppel Jack have a different hairdo or anything? Any different tics? Or is this just PB styled completely identically in each scene? Because... wow.

 

peach, thank you for your year of service! I feel a bit guilty hoping that you will continue to watch this crap for our entertainment. You deserve hazard pay.

[miamama]

Does Doppel Jack have a different hairdo or anything? Any different tics? Or is this just PB styled completely identically in each scene? Because... wow.

 

He looks the same. But I think that's the point. Victor and his YEARS working with doppelJack are aiming to make doppelJack look, dress and behave like Jack. 

 

PB's word choices and mannerisms are slightly different. But I think that's the challenge. He's playing another guy who's trying very very hard to seem like Jack. The differences can't be obvious or everyone looks breathtakingly stupid for not noticing.

 

But no doubt as time goes on doppelJack will slip up more and more and seem more and more different.

 

What I find amusing is that Real Jack is going to have remain clean shaven (while Kelly's prisoner) and doppelJack can't get a haircut until RealJack is saved. lol. And hopefully PB won't get a voice-altering cold over the next few months.

[peach]

Doppel Jack is more sexually aggressive.  But nobody's complaining. Yet.

[NinjaPenguins]

You know a show is good when you read a peach-cap and wonder which character is the biggest jackwagon. I mean, obviously Victor performs or sets in motion the most heinous actions and lets the rankest verbal diarrhea fall from his lips. Yet Victoria is so selfish, so full of her own wonderfulness that it makes my teeth ache. Sage sucks by virtue of cuffing Nick's carrot, and Kelly is a hot mess.

Peach, how you manage to strip these characters down to their essential awfulness is amazing. I wish Pratt would read your recaps and see his miserable characters for what they really are.

[glowlights]

He looks the same. But I think that's the point. Victor and his YEARS working with doppelJack are aiming to make doppelJack look, dress and behave like Jack. 

 

 

Oh yeah I forgot The Incredible Victor Newman is behind this. Gah. I need to pretend this is Passions and just go with the silliness. I'm glad to hear Doppeljack is randy and ready for action - maybe he's a surgically altered 20 year old. Or maybe it's Patti!

 

I'm hoping the Kabin Killer is Ian Ward. (hi Ray! xoxoxoxo)

[Slowpokey]

Peach,I salute you!  Watching this Chuck Pratt mess, I would assume so closely to write these wonderful recaps, is completely admirable! Thank you so much for doing these. They are the first thing I look for when I get on the board! You rock!!!

[movinon]

You know a show is good when you read a peach-cap and wonder which character is the biggest jackwagon. I mean, obviously Victor performs or sets in motion the most heinous actions and lets the rankest verbal diarrhea fall from his lips. Yet Victoria is so selfish, so full of her own wonderfulness that it makes my teeth ache. Sage sucks by virtue of cuffing Nick's carrot, and Kelly is a hot mess.

Peach, how you manage to strip these characters down to their essential awfulness is amazing. I wish Pratt would read your recaps and see his miserable characters for what they really are.

Repeating the entire thing just because it's so worth it. Cuffing the carrot - that's really good.  Thank you peach -  You are a brave soul in a wicked, worthless Pratt hell.

[MollyB]

Happy Anni, Peach.  I'm so glad you're staying with it, 'cause the recaps are the best part of the show I won't watch anymore.  Thank you, thank you.

 

 

“This is not a dream.  This is real,”

Isn't that what Mia Farrow said in Rosemary's Baby?  Dog help us if Phyl gets a new blueberry from dopplejack.

[PatsyandEddie]

I will repeat myself NO MORE BABIES for anybody!!

[Foghorn Leghorn]

I will repeat myself NO MORE BABIES for anybody!!

 

OH GOD YES!  CPS would have a hey day on this show, everybody screwing everybody at the same time then whammo someone is not only stupid enough not to use birth control in this century but then we get to play "who's the daddy?"  

[peach]

OH GOD YES!  CPS would have a hey day on this show, everybody screwing everybody at the same time then whammo someone is not only stupid enough not to use birth control in this century but then we get to play "who's the daddy?"  

 

I don't know.  I wish Summer would have Austin's Malibu Baby just because Kyle would hate it.  But it's not likely because as Goldie Hawn's mother warned her in Overboard, "If you HAVE a baby, you won't BE the baby."

[peach]

Wed, 4/15/15  PART TWO:    Still No Dinner

 

Ashley and Gabe go to the mansion to wait for Victor.   Ash explains they have “history.”  “I’ve met Abby,” smiles Gabe.  That’s why Ashley wants to work this out.  Every time the Abbotts and the Newmans go to war, Abby gets stuck in the middle. 

 

So, why does Gabe care so much about the Abbotts and Jabot?  Because Jack’s been really good to him! “You’re doing it for, Jack?”  Yeah, Adam says, boyish and sweet.  “I think you have an ulterior motive,” says Ashley, matter-of-factly.  He doubles down on boyish and sweet.  The thing is…she might have heard he just lost his inheritance.  Shucks, he needs this job!  “Are you sure it’s not because you want to get closer to Chelsea?”  Adam’s like, damn, she’s smart.  They’re interrupted by a knock on the door.  “To be continued,” says Ashley.

 

Victor comes in.  He thought he was going to confront Jack about this hacking business, but he’s not back from his honeymoon.  “What is he doing here?”  “Gabe is a loyal and trusted employee, Victor.”  Adam nods.  “Further evidence of Jack’s incompetence,” says Victor.  So why did she ask him here?

 

Ashley asks him what his next move is.  Since he hasn’t done anything yet, can she assume his evidence isn’t as concrete as he thought it was?  “You can assume whatever you want, Ashley.”  Adam fidgets in frustration in the background.  “WHEN are you going to let this vendetta GO against Jack?” demands Ashley.   Victor says it’s nothing personal, just business.  I mean, who doesn’t hire doppelgangers for business?  Adam can’t take it anymore.  “What a bunch of---  That’s not true at all, is it?  Everything’s personal with you!”  Ashley frowns.  “Who the hell are you?” snaps Victor.

 

Phyllis and Doppel Jack chat in their spa robes.  “The Jack I know never ignores work,” says Phyllis.  He’s not that man…or, um,  he’s trying not to be on their honeymoon.  What if Phyllis likes the old Jack?  “You’re gonna like the new Jack even more,” he says all throaty.  Doppel Jack has a slightly growly voice so we know he’s the EVIL Jack.  “He’s totally..devoted..to you,” he says intensely. 

 

Phyllis seems impressed, yet also slightly confused and weirded out.  She’s used to being the dominant one.  “Until we leave this island, no phone calls from home, and certainly no phone calls from work,” he says firmly.  She giggles with the slightest hint of uncertainty, and says she could get used to all this love and attention.  That’s the idea!  And here’s a shiny box to keep you fully distracted!   Right on!  Hand it over!  She pulls out a slinky, black dress.  “Oh, Jack, this is beautiful!”  Not half as beautiful as Phyllis.

 

Phyllis is taken aback with emotion.  She almost feels like she’s living someone else’s life.  She’s not used to fairytale endings for herself.  Maybe because she’s usually a vindictive terror wreaking emotional destruction everywhere she goes, but sure.  “This is not a fairytale,” says Doppel Jack, it’s a freaking horror story.  This is just the beginning, and they can keep their fantasy going as long as the money holds out.  Until they go back to the real world, Billy and Ashley can take care of things at home.  They kiss.

 

Victoria tells Billy she’s not so sure about lying to her dad.  Lying Expert Billy explains this is technically just omission.  She just wouldn’t be telling him everything she knows.  Kinda like when Billy cheated with Kelly.  That kind of technical “not really lying.”

 

Billy paints Victoria a picture of Victor exposing Jack, crashing Jabot’s stock, getting a hold of the company, everyone choosing sides, and the family feud going on for another generation.  Their KIDS will be smack in the middle of it!  Is that what she wants??  WILL ANYONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?  Of course Victoria doesn’t want that. 

 

“But, Billy!  If Jack DID this—“  Then it’s TERRIBLE, says Billy.  But it’s no worse than anything Victor’s done.  Stock manipulation, bribing, spying??  Okay, okay.  “Neither one of them” is a saint, says Victoria.  How generous.  “No, they’re NOT.  And I want it to END.”  So does Victoria.  Then let’s break the cycle!  And start a new relationship between their families based on trust, and respect….and love.   Vicky would like that.  Too bad it’s still based on psychopathy.

 

Adam is not playing it cool, you guys.  He’s like, oh, nobody calls out the TGVN for stuff he’s actually done?  “You can’t stand it if anyone else has success or power.  Doesn’t matter if it’s Harrison Bingham, Jack Abbott, your own son..doesn’t matter.”  Victor says he knows nothing about Nicholas.  Oh, he’s talking about your LATE son, Adam Newman.  “The man who teamed up with Jack to steal Newman Enterprises away from you?  Remember that guy?”  Yep, and he got it back from them, remember that?

 

“Yeah, you did it get it back.  But that wasn’t enough for you.  Now you’re trying to punish Jack by taking Jabot away from him, and I’m supposed to STAND HERE while you destroy my friend??”  Ashley looks at him, like wth are you freaking out about?  “The way you destroy every other decent person who gets in your way?!” continues Adam.

 

Let Victor tell you something.  “You’re impertinent, young lad.  JackAbbott doesn’t have a decent bone in his body.  And as for my son, Adam?  He got what he deserved.  And I got what I deserve.  Gave me a chance to raise Adam’s son to be the man his father never was.”  That’s it, impertinent Adam’s about to tear Victor’s head off, but Ashley stops him.  GABE was supposed to be the calming influence.  If she’d wanted to piss off Victor, she could have just brought Billy.  “You’re playing with fire, my friend,” growls Victor.  Adam apologizes to Ashley, and she sends him away, but he wins a staring contest at the door.  Actually Victor just got bored.

 

“What is this punk all about?” he asks.  Get him off his lawn!  Ashley says he’s just passionate about Jabot, and he’s not wrong.  Victor does have it in for Jack.  “Your brother broke into the computer files at Newman Enterprises,” chides Victor.  “WHY would he do it?  He’s the CEO of a major corporation!”  Obviously, something is rotten in Denmark.  Victor says he’s done it before.  “That was years and years and YEARS ago, Victor!”  And you think this old snake doesn’t remember when he stacked the board of directors against him to become CEO of Newman Enterprises?  “And why did he do it?  To force you into giving Jabot back to our family!”  Which I legally acquired, he blusters.  “Gabe’s absolutely right.  It’s always PERSONAL between you and Jack!”

 

Victor’s like, why am I even here?  Because Ashley knows he’s going into battle with Jack again.  So, could he PLEASE just wait until Jack’s back from his honeymoon to make his next move?  Seriously.  I mean, I know you’ve started a war against him but please let him get home first.  It’s the gentlemanly thing to do when you’re bent on destruction, right?  Victor smirks.

 

Sage sure hopes Nick’s espresso is on the house, because she’s broke, unemployed, and homeless.  Probably shouldn’t have bought an espresso machine for a millionaire, then.  Nick thought Constance left her some money of her own.  Well, she did, but after Tipton found out the marriage was a fraud, the estate went back into probate, which means her share is tied up indefinitely.  I don’t know why SHE gets any money.  The whole sham marriage was her f’ing idea. 

 

But despite all this “disaster” that’s entirely of her own making, she feels really happy in her life.  Nick does, too.  Only he has a trust fund.  Sage is worried about Nick.  She’s sure Sharon’s arrest has been hard on him.  He’s just worried about Noah and Faith.  But he’s gotta focus on getting his half-assed business up and running again.  He’s just so worried that everyone’s going to have forgotten about The Underground when he reopens!  I mean, it’s not like it collapsed in a giant, newsworthy, holiday disaster a couple of months ago, or reporters call him day or night because of his murdering ex-wife.  How could he ever hope to get people’s attention for his crummy bar again?

 

Gosh, Sage has an idea.  There’s this fair for local businesses coming up, and Nick could have a booth and serve his signature drinks and those fancy bar snacks that everybody loves!  That’ll keep his place fresh in everybody’s minds!  Wheels clunk in Nick’s mind.  He may have just solved BOTH their problems!  He thinks Sage should become his BAR MANAGER.  Then she’ll have a job, he gets to be her boss, and he’ll barely have to work AT ALL now. 

 

Sage wrinkles her nose and smiles.  She doesn’t know anything about managing a nightclub, silly!  What??  She ran Constance’s estate for years!  It’s exactly the same.  She’s good with people and can think on her feet, come up with creative solutions, fake people’s deaths.  She’s perfect.  “You’re hired,” he says.  I guess that settles it.

 

Whoa, Sage wants to talk about something before you accept your offer.  “What’s your policy on employee relationships?”  The answer is yes.  Actually Nick doesn’t have policies, he just does whatever.  He probably does need a manager.  Sage thinks he should. Mixing business and pleasure is a bad idea, she says seriously. 

 

Okay, Victoria agrees not to tell her Dad about Jack “hacking” Jabot’s servers…for now.  Great, because Billy wants this feud to DIE, and Jack and Victor are never gonna let that happen.  But Billy and Victoria can because sex.  They can make things better for their kids, he says, reaching out and stroking her hand. 

 

Uh-oh, here comes Gabe.  “This is adorable,” he smiles, pointing at them holding hands.  “It’s good to hear you’ve got your priorities straight, Billy.  It’s just a shame your fiancée isn’t one of them.”  Billy stands up.  “What is your problem?!”  His problem is the way you treat Chelsea.  “You put your job, your kids, your ex-wife, pretty much everything you have, above her and her needs.  Where were you during her son’s eye emergency?”  How does Gabe even KNOW about that?  “Because I was there for her,” he smirks.  “I’ll BET you were,” snaps Billy.

 

Real Jack’s coming around. He’s only half-groggy now, and he knows Kelly drugged his tea, just like she drugged her own when she set Phyllis up.  “Stop saying her name,” says Kelly all sing-songy.  “Are you giving me antifreeze, too?  Are you trying to KILL me?!”  What?  She would never harm you, Jack.  Clearly.

 

Jack wheezes that Victor is making Kelly do this.  She rolls her eyes.  He can get her OUT of all this, if she just unties him, and they can talk.  Oh, they have plenty of time to talk.  And she’s made him his favorite breakfast!  Mrs. Martinez taught her how to perfectly toast his bagel and add just a smidge of butter.  Wow, Jack is spoiled.  Kelly brings his bagel over, and he really wants a bite.  I mean, it’s perfectly toasted.  Kelly will be happy to feed him…if he answers one question.  “Do you love me, Jack?”  He stares.  Omg, Adam would be out of this trap in 30 seconds flat.  And get that bagel.

 

Nick tells Sage he sees no problem in couples working together.  Lots of people make it work, Jay-Z and Beyonce, Bill and Hillary.  Interesting how neither of those men are anyone’s BOSS.  Blah blah Silk Panties.  Sage just doesn’t want to ruin what they have…”whatever..this is.”  It sure isn’t dating.  Nick says “this” is two people getting to know each other better in storerooms.  And he wants to get to know her a LOT better. 

 

Okay.  But Sage has one condition..that when they’re at the bar, it’s strictly business.  Silly Sage.  You don’t make conditions!  His answer is to start kissing all over her neck and unbuttoning her blouse.  Let him take you on his friggin couch AGAIN.  It doesn’t even have shrink wrap on it this time!   So Sage has embarked on her new life of FREEDOM by entering into yet another unequal, subservient relationship with a rich person.  #stillnodinner.

 

Phyllis models the new slinky, black dress for Doppel Jack.  They dance around in their suite.  Phyllis is going to look forward of every single day of being married to Doppel Jack.

 

So when does Ashley expect Jack to come home?  Very soon.  “In other words, you have no idea,” says Victor.  He’s been gone one night, for crying out loud.  Ashley promises the minute Jack walks in the door, she will call him, and he can confront him personally.  Isn’t that what he wants?  Victor says he’ll give her 24 hours, and then he goes to the authorities.  “Haveaniceevening.”  Ashley worries.

 

Real Jack tries to reason with a woman who faked her own suicide so she could kidnap him.  “If I told you I love you, it would be a lie.  I love PHYLLIS!”  Jack really doesn’t know how to read a dungeon.  Kelly hauls off and smacks him hard!  “Don’t you EVER…SAY THAT NAME…A-GAIN!!!” she shrieks furiously, and storms out.

 

Victoria thinks she should leave.  “Why,” says Billy, “so this guy can give me a lecture on how to treat my fiancée?”  “Somebody has to,” smirks Adam.  Billy’s HAD IT with his interference.  He can just imagine what Gabe was doing there when Chelsea got the call from the doctor.  Well, if Billy had BEEN THERE, he wouldn’t have to imagine it.  Billy says he couldn’t, because he was away on business.  “Which you KNEW.  Because you manipulate things, just like you have been for months.  It’s the exact same kind of sneaky maneuver Chelsea’s dead husband used to pull.  IN FACT, you’re JUST LIKE that piece of—“

 

KAPOW!  Adam punches Billy in the face! KABAM!  Billy gives as good as he gets!  Adam’s like, oh, IT’S ON!!! They start brawling!!  It’s kind of awesome.

[movinon]

 

KAPOW!  Adam punches Billy in the face! KABAM!  Billy gives as good as he gets!  Adam’s like, oh, IT’S ON!!! They start brawling!!  It’s kind of awesome.

I thought it was more than awesome.  I wish he would have kicked his teeth in and then gone after Victor.  I want to see Adam so much, and this guy has the ability to deliver.  God - please kill Pratt before one of us has to.  Great recap, Peach.  I am having a bad day and am the reincarnation of Satan today, so that is all.  

Edited April 25, 2015 by movinon

[smartyshorts]

Peach, I love you. Even though you clearly have superhuman powers.

[peacheslatour]

I thought it was more than awesome.  I wish he would have kicked his teeth in and then gone after Victor.  I want to see Adam so much, and this guy has the ability to deliver.  God please kill Pratt before one of us has to.  Great recap, Peach.  I am having a bad day and am the reincarnation of Satan today, so that is all.  

I'm in.  What'll it be?  Poison?  Some sort of Lizzie Borden "accident" with an ax?  Falling into a volcano?  "We tried to help, but we couldn't reach him!"

[PatsyandEddie]

^^^^^^Any of those scenarios suits me just fine. Count me in!!!

 

 

Maybe a Chuckles doppleganger who actually has some talent and cares about his viewers rather than disrespects them?

[movinon]

H E L L O - peach.  Are you out there somewhere?  I, for one, am missing you and just wanted to make sure you're ok.  Seriously, not pushing - just checking on you.  

[peach]

Hi.  I've had an incredibly stressful week.  I got injured at work, resulting in some bad headaches (will be okay), and Kid totaled his car (he is also okay.).  Y&R way down the list.  Sorry!

[movinon]

Hi.  I've had an incredibly stressful week.  I got injured at work, resulting in some bad headaches (will be okay), and Kid totaled his car (he is also okay.).  Y&R way down the list.  Sorry!

Oh, my God!  I am so sorry to hear that - I was afraid something was wrong, because you don't just disappear like that. Hope you feel better soon, and glad your son is ok - we need his input for your recaps.  Cars are replaceable - I speak from experience: many, many cars are replaceable, but not kids.   I thought maybe you let Pratt drive you to the cabin retreat, and actually, Y&R is way down everybody's list. :)

Edited April 24, 2015 by movinon

[MollyB]

Glad to hear you are ok, Peach.  You've got enough aches without adding having to watch this terrible show.  Get better soon!

[smartyshorts]

Peach, I am so sorry you're going through such a tough week. Extremely glad that Kid is ok. 

[Petunia13]

Hi. I've had an incredibly stressful week. I got injured at work, resulting in some bad headaches (will be okay), and Kid totaled his car (he is also okay.). Y&R way down the list. Sorry!

That's shitty Peach . (((Hugs))) I'm glad you and Lil Peach are ok and hope your headaches go away soon. I've been injured before in the job breaking up a dog fight and got a bad bite so I emphazize.

[crosby777]

Hope everyone is ok Peach.. We miss you but we want you better.. hang in there honey. Glad your son is ok and sorry about the car.

[Margamo]

Peach, sorry to hear about your week. Sending prayers and good thoughts for quick and full healing for both you and your son.