Explain it to Me Like I'm Lily: Recaps for the Disenchanted

[LeftPhalange]

 

Kelly apologizes for being emotional

 

Smelly is always emotional so I'm sure Jack is used to it by now.

 

Chelsea and Kevin need to become best friends and do best friend things. And then maybe have sex a few times.

[boes]

"Ben is my brother...and I used to have sex with him." Kelly cries. Jack is confused.

 

HA HA HA!!  LP, you did it!  Diet 7-up all over my keyboard, and now a new and indelible way of looking at Jack - not to mention Kelly.  As for Stitch, I just can't go there in any shape, fashion or form.  LINE OF THE DAY, LP!!

 

 

Oh yeah, Chelsea's going to climb nuBilly like a tree.

 

And who says there can't be TWO lines of the day, because THIS is just too funny!  I can see her hanging from his branch now.

 

KEVIN IS BREAKING INTO MENTAL HOSPITALS FOR TRUE LOVE

 

Kevin should have been breaking into mental hospitals - and refusing to leave - for quite some time now.  Or zoos.  Whichever ones will take him.  I could tolerate this little snotrag years ago at the beginning of him and Chloe, but not before with Jenna and not since Chloe became even more intolerable.

It makes perfect sense why Gloria got rid of him like day old bread.

[AxellaJ]

But no, they have to go the cheap way

 

Indeed! They were shown flying on an A380, but sitting in seats which would be like an airline's domestic Business Class. These folks are filthy rich and I have no doubt whatsoever that Chels would have flown First Class (which has individual pods for sitting and sleeping, and is heaps more luxurious than where they were sitting!).

[Joimiaroxeu]

Kelly says Jack doesn’t need any more drama in his life, and she comes with a ton of it.  She has a complicated relationship with her brother AND with HIS brother.  Jack says she doesn’t get it, and he kisses her.

Boy, that was some industrial strength mind-effery Kelly pulled on Jack. I think even Ian would have been impressed.

 

Nick shows up at Mariah’s. 

Is anybody but me wondering why Nick has to go to Mariah's motel so much? I don't think anything untoward is going to happen but it would be easy for her to put him in a compromising position if she wanted to.

[Runningwild]

Is it me or does anyone else think Ian looks like the Great Gazoo?

[Petunia13]

He looks like Leland Palmer.

[Suby]

He looks like Leland Palmer.

I had to look him up - OMG you are right.  lol but images of Ray Wise also come up.

 

http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=Leland+Palmer&qpvt=Leland+Palmer&FORM=IGRE'

[Capricasix]

Suby, you young thing (are you? :D), that's because RW played Leland Palmer in the cult hit Twin Peaks, back in the early 1990s.

Christ, I feel old!

[Petunia13]

Twin Peaks is still kinda popular with young people. My friend had themed party 4 years ago.

My favorite Leland scene was when he burst into Bens office at The Great Northern after being off for bereavement and started singing "Mairsy Doats" and dancing. And Ben jumped on his desk to tap dance and Jerry started doing the Worm in the floor. Hi- larious.

[PatsyandEddie]

You mean like this?  Bwahahaha!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1F8gLejzxLk   

[Petunia13]

Oh my "Kay's Best Friend"(aka God) can you imagine if Ian sang or danced on an episode? Normally singing on soaps is redic stupid but he'd make it hilarious.

[Suby]

Suby, you young thing (are you? :D), that's because RW played Leland Palmer in the cult hit Twin Peaks, back in the early 1990s.

Christ, I feel old!

Well it depends on what you consider young ; )  I never watched Twin Peaks.  Early 90's were party days, wait so are these days. hee hee

Boy do I feel dumb

[LeftPhalange]

I randomly felt like writing a recap today. I'm not sure why. I blame Sharon.

 

 

Wednesday, July 2: Everything is Boring and Nothing Matters

 

Summer tells Austin she loves him. When he doesn't say it back she tells him "I know that you love me too." Apparently, the wacko who held a lawyer hostage because she was too good at her job is the more rational of the two. Austin knows he's going to prison and there's nothing she can do about it. Undeterred, Summer says she has a plan. She knows what they have to do. Throw themselves off a cliff?

 

Learning that Dylan is his son has changed Paul. When he finds out Austin made bail he decides he wants "justice, not revenge." Whatever. How long before Paul has a flashback to RICKAYYYY and accidentally shoots his new son?

 

Colin decides not to give his "friends" Jill's necklace because he finally realizes how much it means to her. Jill decides this is proof enough that Colin really loves her and reveals that she gave him a fake necklace. She has come up with the brilliant plan to give Colin's "friends" a fake necklace while she keeps the real thing. This turns Colin on and they almost have sex but then Lauren rudely interrupts so they hide both of the necklaces. After she leaves Jill retrieves the hidden necklaces. Colin asks, "Which one's which?" Jill is confident she knows - she has a "spiritual connection" to the real one. A spiritual connection. Spiritual. Connection. Obviously Jill will end up accidentally giving Colin the real necklace. Dumbass.

 

Devon is bitter about his old ass father marrying Hilary. The special lady comes by the GCAC and tells him they need to forget about the kiss for Neil's sake. He calls Cane is France and Cane gives him solid advice. Apparently, when away from his terrible wife, Cane can sometimes sorta kinda maybe be alright. Sometimes. Very disturbing. Sharon and Jack decide to throw Hilary and Neil a surprise celebration for some reason. I guess Jack didn't feel like reading any spreadsheets and Sharon wasn't in the mood to have sex with Nick or pretend like Mariah is her daughter. The happy newlyweds show up and are disgusting, talking about honeymoon ideas and shit. Who cares? Devon shows up drunk and gives the couple his blessing. He quickly leaves and Hilary runs off and catches him in the elevator. Obviously, it's only a matter of time before they start humping each other. How long before Hilary gets her very own WTD story?

Edited July 2, 2014 by LeftPhalange

[Petunia13]

"Justice" maybe Austin will give Dylan his spleen. Heh they never tested Austin to see if he was a match or the super rare blood type Paul and Dylan are.

So stupid the important necklace got mixed up with the fake you'd think that was the ultimate priority.

[peacheslatour]

I kind of like Drunk Devon.  I hope he stays drunk forever.

[peach]

Summer tells Austin she loves him. When he doesn't say it back she tells him "I know that you love me too." Apparently, the wacko who held a lawyer hostage because she was too good at her job is the more rational of the two. Austin knows he's going to prison and there's nothing she can do about it. Undeterred, Summer says she has a plan. She knows what they have to do. Throw themselves off a cliff?

 

Stage 5 Clinger

[peach]

I don't know if a longer recap is warranted, or even wished for, because nothing really happened, but here's the full version of nothing.

 

Wed, July 2, 2014  Wow, That Girl

 

Sharon shows up at Jack’s office because they’re planning some sort of celebration for Neil and Hilary’s quickie wedding. 

 

Summer meets Leslie in the park…who’s brought Austin.  Aww, his cruel and unusual punishment is over—he has on an ugly new shirt.  Summer throws herself in his arms.  I guess we have to wait to hear how an almost cop killer is walking the streets.

 

Michael and Lauren agree not to tell Paul how dire the situation is with Dylan.  She leaves to meet Jill.  Kevin and Harding are joking around with Paul about the mini basketball game they just gave him.  Michael comes in like the skunk at the garden party to remind everyone Paul should be resting, not playing basketball.  They leave, and Paul says he really wants to see Dylan.  “Well, you can’t,” says Auntie Michael.  Paul wants to know what everyone isn’t telling him.

 

Colin and Jill blather about the necklace.

 

Neil and Hilary are still in bed, but their marriage has already made the newspaper, which Devon is busy tearing into shreds.

 

Moving along, Neil is now jiving in the door at Jabot, interrupting the great surprise Jack and Sharon are planning which is cake and champagne.  Neil says they’re in the minority of people who want to celebrate this wedding, and Jack says that’s because he knows what Neil’s been through.  “Losing the love of your life, and then miraculously finding happiness with someone else” the next day.  Neil says anything is possible if you follow your heart and mack on your beautiful assistant.

 

Hilary stops by to see Devon at the club who’s still bombed at breakfast.  “Congrashulashionsh.”  Hilary came to thank him for not ruining the wedding.  She wants him to forget all about the kissing and declarations of love for Neil’s sake.  She was hoping they could be friends.  You’re his STEPMOTHER, Hilary.  Neil calls to tell her about their champagne.  She’s all awkward about saying “I love you” in front of Devon.  She leaves, and Devon tops up his glass.

 

Now Colin thinks the necklace is super special and they can’t sell the memento of Katherine’s love and affection for Jill.  Jill’s got it covered.  She hid the real necklace and gave Colin a fake.  Oh, well that will make the criminals who want to kill you go away.  No problem.

 

Paul argues with Michael and Kevin about not being allowed to see Dylan.  He’s just really anxious to see his son, his son.

 

Summer thinks Austin was being tortured at Gitmo where he was forbidden to eat or sleep.  She went straight to the president of the bank to get her money.  And did…what? I probably don’t want to know.  Leslie tells her if Austin is convicted, there is no amount of money that will keep him out of prison.  She tries to knock into Summer’s skull that Austin actually did kidnap Avery and almost kill the police chief.  Genius Summer says there are those thingies that Leslie talked about,though.  Extenuating circumstances?  Yeah, those!  Leslie says it would help if he had a character witness that could explain his actions.  Well, duh, they have SUMMER.  She’ll just explain it to the jury, and they’ll let Austin go.

 

Colin can’t believe Jill have him a cheap imitation.  Is there some website where you can order exact copies of precious jewels?  Jill says even an expert can’t tell the difference, and it will appraise at full value.  That sounds like a very expensive imitation.  Now they can have the baddies fake steal the fake necklace, she gets the insurance money AND the real necklace, too!  Let’s all be criminals!
Lauren is bustling in the door, so they have to hide the necklaces in the couch!  Because why?  Colin makes a call and says he has the item.

 

Neil and Hilary drink champagne with Jack and Sharon.  I’m still wondering why Sharon is there.

 

Devon has drunk enough liquor to puke or pass out or both, but he’s going through drawers in Lily’s office.  He drunk dials Cane in Paris, who is running around with no shirt on, to cry on his shoulder about Hilary.  Cane says Devon needs to stay away from Hilary and the booze.

 

Hilary and Sharon eat cake and talk about how the Winters all love each other and won’t let this marriage come between them.

 

Cane tells Devon he has to learn to live with Hilary deciding to marry Neil.  Devon says he doesn’t need to worry about him.

 

Lauren says Jill and Colin are acting stranger than normal. Jill pretends she interrupted sexy times.  Lauren notices Jill isn’t wearing the necklace.  Uh-oh.  She gives Jill the rundown about Paul and Dylan.  It’s just tragic, even for that boy who pulled the trigger.

 

Austin doesn’t want to screw up Summer’s life.  She’s already paid for his bail and his lawyer.  Leslie tells Summer she can’t control this situation, but Summer is sure she can convince a jury to find her cute boyfriend not guilty because he really really didn’t mean it!  Leslie explains to Summer that the jury will think the little rich girl is lying, and make it WORSE for him.  If she wants to help, she needs to let Leslie handle it.  She frowny pouts.

 

Paul says keeping him in the dark is not going to help his recovery.  The doctor disagrees.  They are going to keep Paul stress free.  So Harding rushes in to tell Paul that the guy who shot him made bail.  Everyone is shocked.  Maybe you should have been advocating in COURT, Michael, instead of babysitting a grown man.

 

Leslie makes Summer agree she will not be a defense witness and leaves to work on the case.  Now Summer is worried that the DA will use her AGAINST Austin.  NOW she thinks her testimony will send Austin to prison.  Austin says Summer isn’t responsible for any of this.  She says she will NEVER leave him. He thinks maybe she should.
Austin:  I don’t understand why you’d want to stay with me.
Summer:  Nobody understands me like you do.
He just said he did NOT understand you, Summer.  But he’s ALL she thinks about!!!  “Don’t you get it, Austin… I love you!!” Austin looks rightly terrified.

 

Sharon throws out exotic ideas for a honeymoon.  Oh, Hilary doesn’t need that, she only needs Neil!  Devon comes stumbling in.  Neil says he’ll get him some sparkling cider, because I forgot that Neil doesn’t drink champagne.  He smells Devon and says he’s been hitting the alcohol a little early.  Naaah, he juss never stopped from lass night.  He wanss to be there because there’s something he should have said yesserday at the wedding.  Hilary looks horrified.

 

Lauren leaves to go back to the hospital.  Colin’s anxious to get the neckace to the guy.  He reminds Jill that if she reports it stolen, she can never wear it again.  She can wear it around the house, which is all she does now anyway.  She pulls the necklaces out, and Colin asks which one is which?  Does it even matter?

 

Paul says Summer and Travers?  He rolls his eyes.  “Wow, that girl.”  Harding is freaking out about how this punk shot a cop and then some crazy teenage girl has high priced lawyers and judges falling all over him.  Harding isn’t going to take it easy til Travers is put away for good.  Michael explains how that’s not guaranteed, and this could all be dropped to assault.  Well, if he isn’t put away, then Harding is going to make him wish he were!  Michael gets his dander up and says, oh, truth, justice and the Harding way?  Is that it?  Maybe Michael, who was all for truth, justice and the Baldwin way against Carmine, should go help out Leslie.  Paul says it’s okay, he wants justice not revenge. 

 

Harding can’t deal with these people and storms out.  Kevin says Travers is lucky Paul is the chief and not that hothead.  As are you, Kevin, and everyone you know.  Paul says coming close to death has given him a different perspective, although he sounds pretty much the same.  Sure, Travers caused a lot of damage, but this is how he found out about Dylan, so let’s focus on that, even though Dylan is also dying because of Travers.

 

Austin doesn’t know what to say.  Summer gives him a suggestion.  “Aren’t you going to say you love me too?...Or not?”  She does NOT want to hear they’re just friends.  He says she’s not thinking.  She KNOWS she’s not thinking!  She’s feeling, and he should just do that, too, and admit he feels the same way.  He says he’s a lot older than her, and been through a lot more than her, and he knows a crazy clinger when he sees one.  He could go away for years, maybe forever.  SHE DOESN’T CARE!  She’ll stand by him! He says he doesn’t WANT her to, but she doesn’t care, because she knows he loves her too, and kisses him.

 

Devon juss wanss to say congrashulashuns, and give them a gift.  He gives them a picture frame.  Well, isn’t that sweet.  Devon gess it, he gess why Neil wanss to be with Hilary.  He can’t stay, though, he has a meeting at the club.  Good thing he owns it.  Leslie stops by Jack’s office and is shocked to see the festivities.  “You got married?” she asks Neil.  Hilary stares her little cat stare.

 

Jill isn’t getting why it’s a problem that the necklaces are identical.  Colin asks how she can tell them apart.  Well, because she has a spiritual connection with the real one, of course.  Namaste.  WHEN are they going to give these two something to do besides chase mystical objects?

 

Leslie says she knows Neil and Hilary were engaged..but…oh, well, CONGRATULATIONS!  She really doesn’t care because Dr. Barton Shelby.  Neil says he really didn’t do this to get back at her, even though he obviously did.   Leslie’s like, I know, good luck, bye.  She really does just have to talk to Jack.  Hilary is missing.  Hilary’s chased Devon into the elevator.  He has nothing to say to her, but she has plenty to say to HIM.  He’s probably not going to remember this, Hilary, so why bother?  Neil and Sharon go looking for her.

 

Leslie’s making a habit of reporting on her clients, and says she came to tell Jack that Austin is out of jail, and Summer paid his bail.  Jack is shocked, and somewhere a bank president is probably about to lose his job.

 

Austin pulls away from Summer and says they can’t.  “Can’t love each other?  You can’t stop that.”  Austin’s going to need that Stitch taser.  She whines a lot about “their” love, and he’s like don’t you get it?  It DOESN’T MATTER how they feel about each other, feelings don’t keep people out of prison.  Wait, Summer has an idea!  She knows exactly what to do.  How very likely.

 

 

Edited July 2, 2014 by peach

[Joimiaroxeu]

Dylan is also dying because of Travers

No, Dylan is dying because he always has to try to be Hero Man.

 

Oh, Hilary doesn’t need that, she only needs Neil!

Yeah but that was only after Neil tried to deflect the honeymoon suggestions by claiming poverty. The d-bag is a millionaire! I think it's telling how little he's willing to put himself out for the woman he claims to love and has promised to spend the rest of his life (oh, please...) with. SMH.

Edited July 3, 2014 by Joimiaroxeu

[peach]

Yeah but that was only after Neil tried to deflect the honeymoon suggestions by claiming poverty. The d-bag is a millionaire! I think it's telling how little he's willing to put himself out for the woman he claims to love and has promised to spend the rest of his life (oh, please...) with. SMH.

 

I know, I liked how he poor-mouthed to Jack that he'd have to use Jack's credit card.  Seriously?  He's fully brainwashed Hilary.  She doesn't need a wedding, or a reception, or a honeymoon, or probably food or water, because she only.needs.Neil.

No, Dylan is dying because he always has to try to be Hero Man.

Captain Wow.  lol 

[Snaporaz]

I love how every time soap characters go to Paris, they all get the same hotel room.  You know, the one that's so close to the Eiffel Tower, you could run a clothes line from the hotel window to the tower.  

[miamama]

Is it me or does anyone else think Ian looks like the Great Gazoo?

 

Could he please call everyone "dumb dumbs"?

[peach]

I love how every time soap characters go to Paris, they all get the same hotel room.  You know, the one that's so close to the Eiffel Tower, you could run a clothes line from the hotel window to the tower.  

At least Cane and Lily are spending money on their Paris view.  It's kind of funny that THEY are in Paris while Neil and Hilary drink fancy apple juice in Jack's office.

[LeftPhalange]

Thursday, July 3: Life's a bitch and then you die. Or not.

 

Delete today's episode from your DVR and save yourself the trouble. If you need a good laugh you might be interested in watching the hospital crap with Dylan. Everyone involved was laughable.

Edited July 3, 2014 by LeftPhalange

[Frankie90210]

"I don't know if a longer recap is warranted, or even wished for, because nothing really happened, but here's the full version of nothing."

 

Yes!  They are very entertaining and much appreciated!

[Suby]

"I don't know if a longer recap is warranted, or even wished for, because nothing really happened, but here's the full version of nothing

 

 

That would be a great name for the recap thread

[QuePasa]

Ok, what do Summer and Austin think getting married is going to do to help keep Austin out of jail? My guess is they want to use the spousal privilege so Summer can't testify against him. However, that privilege only counts for things said while you are married. So things you say before you get married aren't covered even if you subsequently get married. Not that the show will get that legality correct I would imagine.

[PatsyandEddie]

Dummer thinks she can be a character witness for him.

 

Prosecutor: "So how long have you known your *ahem* husband for, Ms. Travers?"

 

Dummer: "About two weeks. But hey! He has an nice ass and really, really cute dimples and he said he cares for me!"

 

Prosecutor: "No further questions"

[peach]

Thur, July 3, 2014  Inception

 

Nikki greets Paul in his room.  I guess Chris has finally given up on this situation and left.  Nikki tries to convince Paul that he can’t see Dylan because they’re both recovering.  Paul can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong , and Dylan needs him.  What he needs is a spleen.

 

Stitch is checking on Dylan.  He tells Avery the next few hours are critical.  There are endotoxins now.  It’s bad.

 

Summer’s told Austin her stupid plan while we were sleeping.  She KNOWS it’s a good idea because it’s something her mom would do!  That’s not a selling point for Austin or me.  Well, Summer says her mom is all about go big or go home!  GO HOME, SUMMER!  (Might I also add that Phyllis’s life philosophy ended in a coma.)  Austin asks if she’s sure she’s ready for this.  She has never been more ready for anything in her life. 

 

Jack is frustrated that Summer won’t answer her phone.  Abby stops by the office and congratulates Neil.  He points out the cake.  “Nice!” says Abby, but you know she’s thinking, that’s it?  Neil doesn’t know where Hilary is, he says with a frown.  Hilary’s in the elevator with drunk Devon, so she’s only been missing for 30 seconds.

 

Jack tells Abby how Summer is a spoiled brat who used her money to bail Austin out of jail.  Abby’s like, hey, this is Summer.   She’s young, she doesn’t have the greatest judgment, she’s a walking hormone factory.  Abby is always so comforting.  Jack’s like, eww, with the hormones.  He doesn’t want to hear that Summer’s in love.

 

Hilary scolds Devon for smelling like a distillery and showing up to the “reception,” lol.  He can’t stop thinking about her.  She says he can’t talk like that, and he’s like, then WHY did you follow my drunk ass onto this elevator?  She tells him he doesn’t really want her, he just wants what he can’t have.  He’s used to snapping his fingers and throwing his money around.  He’s like wth are you talking about?

 

Nikki weeps while Paul talks about how they created a life, Dylan’s life.  She blathers something about being so under Ian’s influence that she didn’t realize Paul might be the father.  Paul says maybe things could have been so different if he had known then.  Sure, since he was already in a cult to avoid this very thing.  He asks Nikki if she would have kept the baby then?

 

Stitch reminds Avery that he’s not an entirely real doctor yet.  She still thinks he’s not telling her something.  She cries a lot.   Meanwhile Dylan is “seeing” a glow in the room, and that Sully guy in uniform.  Sully salutes him even though Dylan let him get shot.

 

Avery holds Real Dylan’s hand, while Dream Dylan is chit chatting with good ole Sully, and they talk about how Avery’s like his guardian angel.  Now it’s Inception.  Dylan’s having a flashback inside a dream.  He and Sully are injured in the desert, and Sully dies.  Hospital Room Sully says he knew Dream Dylan always thought he should have come with them that day.  Now’s his chance.  Sully holds out his hand.  Real Dylan’s monitors start freaking out.

 

Austin and Summer are sporting wedding rings at the Abbott cabin.  Omg, this show LOVES a crappy or invisible wedding.   Austin thinks she’s fearless.  No, she’s just stupid.  Summer doesn’t think she’s fearless either, she’s always been afraid, even of a peanut.  “Ohh,” says Austin, “I remember you saying you were allergic.”  Now he knows how to get all her money!   Blah blah she knows what love is like.  They make out.

 

Abby explains to Jack that he can’t lecture a spoiled, blonde, rich girl into staying away from a boy.  He’s only making Austin into catnip.  She reminds him how the more her parents shook their fingers at her to stay away from Carmine, the more she wanted him.  She says to stop treating Summer like a kid who doesn’t know her own tiny mind.  Jack says that’s hard to do!  She says well, so.what.  Lots of things are hard. Treat Summer like a level headed woman.  IOW, says Jack, like she’s a lot like her mom.  A fool over a man.

 

Devon slurs that he and Hilary both know neither of them care about money.  She wants him to promise he won’t keep bringing this up, even though she brought it up.  He’s in love with her, no, he’s not, this goes on and on and on.  And he knows, he KNOWS that she loves him, too. He goes in for a kiss and the elevator doors SUDDENLY open, as they so often do, and NEIL is standing there.

 

Hilary pretends she went to HR and had her name changed on everything so she’s officially Mrs. Winters.  Devon says something, and then the doors close on him.  Neil thinks Devon’s acting totally weird, and thinks he should go talk to him.  Hilary distracts him and says she wants to celebrate.

 

Dylan’s shouting in his sleep.  “Lay it down, Sully!”  Stitch is all over that shit.  “NO.  You are NOT seeing Sully today!  Not today!  YOU TELL HIM STITCH SAID STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM YOU!!!”    Omg, does that work?  Avery cries.  Stitch says it’s not fair, Dylan’s saved too many lives.

 

Paul realizes he and Nikki were so young and stupid back then.  She says there’s no point in going back.  He tells her he had about 1,000 visitors today, but she’s like, none of them were flat on their back after surgery.  He says he thinks all of them are keeping  something from him about Dylan.  Something is wrong, something serious.  Nikki blathers, and Paul gets mad and tells her not to lie to him!  She finally cops to the fact that Dylan has an infection.  She promises to find out how he is, and leaves.

 

Avery hovers over Dylan.  She tells him the war is in the past and he doesn’t belong there anymore.  Stitch tells Dylan to listen to Avery because she’s smarter than both of them, especially Dylan.  He’s having some kind of seizure.

 

Hilary and Neil are in the park, where he suggests a frigging CUBS game on TV.  Omg, get an annulment, NOW.  He offers her girlie things instead, but she says she has something she wants to talk about.  He says, “Look at you.  Married less than 24 hours and already the lady wants to lay down the law,” like that’s cute or something.  She wants to start a family. Right away.  She doesn’t see any reason to wait.  This relationship’s already in hyperdrive, so why not?  Neil looks down at her and says he thinks he knows where this is coming from.  Her womb, Neil, it’s coming from there.

 

Paul is panicking in his bed, while Dylan thrashes around in his.  Stitch decides to find Dr. Chang.  Avery yells at Dylan that he can’t leave her.

 

Summer and Austin have finished consummating their marriage, and are going to consummate it some more in the whirlpool tub.  Jack shows up while Austin is in the bathroom.  The caretaker told him Summer’s car was there.  He thought she left GC because things were tense with him.  She says she’s feeling better now, yep, she’s feeling good.  Jack talks mushy father talk and wants to go down the dock where they can talk about Austin.  Speaking of Austin, he comes out in a towel to let her know the tub’s filling up.  Jack’s eyes turn into laser beams.  And that is a nice towel.

 

Devon’s taken his party to the new rooftop bar set!  Abby comes out.  She thinks it must be awesome to drink instead of work.  She wants some rays before she goes back to the office and wants to hear about his world class crap day.  Devon says being rich sucks, and Abby laughs out loud.  No, she says, LIFE sucks.  Money is good.  She knows this must be about a woman.  Yeah, he loves someone who’s with someone else.  Abby knows all about that because Tyler.  She learned you can’t run from your problems with booze and such.  “Wherever you go, there you are.”  Ha, that should be the motto of the GCAC.

 

Neil thinks Hilary’s afraid his family will never accept her so she wants her own that no one can take away.  NO, she just wants a baby like a normal person.  Oh, wait, NOW Neil wants a honeymoon!  He’s all about honeymoons.  He wants to enjoy time ALOOONE.  He says there will be a lot of time for that, but not now.  Hurry Up Neil wants to slowwww it down.  That’s why you don’t marry someone after two weeks.

 

Dream Dylan sees Dream Paul at the end of his bed.  He’s dressed and wearing glasses.    Father-Son conversation.  Paul says Dylan went to a lot of trouble here.  Don’t go now.  It’s not his time.  I thought only dead people could tell you to stay out of the light.

 

“Mr. Abbott” yells a lot about how Austin is taking advantage of Summer.  Jack says “What do you think your mother would say?”  Summer says, “Mom would take one look at Austin and say, ‘Nice!’”  Haha! She asks what Mom would say about Jack and KELLY?  Jack says he wants Austin out of there, NOW.  He is her father!!  Austin says, “And I am her husband.”  Jack sees the wedding ring and looks like he's about to go into the light.

 

Neil says creating a child is amazing, he’s got a lot of them, so she can wait.  He promises his family will come around, and then she can have two grown kids.  He hugs her while she looks sad.  Have you figured out who runs this relationship yet, Hilary?

 

Abby has to go back to work, and Devon says thanks for the chat.  She says he’ll figure it all out.   Inexplicably, Devon wanders over the ledge of the roof and climbs up.  He starts makin’ it rain, and throws money over the side.  Hilary’s not THAT great, Devon, get a grip.

 

Dream Paul lectures Dream Dylan to give Avery a future, give us a future.  Real Dylan opens his eyes.  Man, Dream Paul is persuasive.  Dream Sully can suck it.

 

Real Paul is asleep.  Are they having the same dream?  Nikki holds his hand and cries about how worried she is about their son.  He wakes up and says it’s okay now.  Dylan’s going to be fine.  Omg, if they have such a telepathic connection then why didn’t you know he was your son? 

Edited July 3, 2014 by peach

[miamama]

Thanks, Peach. Did all that really happen? What is this show, Passions? Yikes.

[Petunia13]

On Passions I cared about Teresa, Ethan, Luis, Tabitha, Eve, and so the dream sequences and outlandish fantasies were entertaining. I don't give a shit about Dylan or Sully so it was a zone out for me.

Yea they are laying on the "who's the Daddy?" Story coming anvils thick with Hilary.

[Snaporaz]

 

Delete today's episode from your DVR and save yourself the trouble. If you need a good laugh you might be interested in watching the hospital crap with Dylan. Everyone involved was laughable.

Thanks, LeftPhalange.  Now I don't feel like a horrible person, because I was wondering how wrong it was that I could not stop laughing.  That was some funny shit!  Sully dying right when Dylan said "Keep your head down" cracked my ass up.  And people here have called Dylan wooden before, but he looked exactly like a marionette when his arm started jerking.  What was that supposed to be?  A spasm?  A seizure?  I swear I saw strings attached to his arms. 

 

 

Omg, if they have such a telepathic connection then why didn’t you know he was your son?

EXACTLY!  Why wasn't Paul able to have these psychic convos with Crazy Ricky?

Edited July 4, 2014 by Snaporaz

[Joimiaroxeu]

Omg, this show LOVES a crappy or invisible wedding. 

They're probably saving the wedding budget for Dylan and Avery. That one'll probably make those royal weddings look like backyard barbecues.

 

Neil says creating a child is amazing, he’s got a lot of them, so she can wait.

But Neil only has one biological child. I guess Hilary has to prove her eggs are worthy first. She probably should get with Devon because this marriage likely isn't going to work out and she'd be smart to get herself a billionaire baby daddy as fallback.

[peach]

Ok, what do Summer and Austin think getting married is going to do to help keep Austin out of jail? My guess is they want to use the spousal privilege so Summer can't testify against him. However, that privilege only counts for things said while you are married. So things you say before you get married aren't covered even if you subsequently get married. Not that the show will get that legality correct I would imagine.

I think it's hilarious, because Summer wasn't even there.  Austin needed to marry Avery.

[peach]

Fri, July 4, 2014

 

Nick shows Sharon a picture Faith made of Mommy and Daddy getting married.  Nick wears a sparkling 4th of July top hat.

 

Jack is in so much denial he thinks Summer is pretending to be married, but she has a marriage license to prove it, which you can get instantly in GC.

 

Kelly shows up at the hospital to apologize to Stitch for telling Jack he’s her brother.  Stitch hasn’t told Victoria yet because he’s been busy keeping his friend alive.  Kelly says he can’t put it off anymore.  Now she’s so, so nice to Stitch because this show can't make up its mind.

 

Victoria stops by Billy’s office.  The guy who never works is working on July 4th.  She wants to tell him Paul and Dylan are okay.  He’s glad because Paul’s been so good to him, like not even questioning him about kidnapping Adam with a gun.  Billy’s like, yo, I have a phone, why are you here?

 

Chelsea notices a buzzing sound in the nursery and tries to find it.  Another cut-rate henchman did his job badly.  Adam’s Hand watches her looking for the noise.  She gives up.

 

Victoria came in person because Dylan’s his friend.  Right.  Billy can’t hang out in hospitals because of Delia.  She says they’re connected because of the kids, but the divorce papers are still going through.  Yeah, but he uncovered something.  Stitch and Kelly are brother and sister, so they’re both liars.

 

First Jack thinks Austin wants Summer’s money, but that’s just a bonus.  He realizes this marriage is because Summer would be the lead witness against Austin.  Wouldn’t that be AVERY?  The person he kidnapped?  And Dylan?  The person who tried to get his gun away?  And the police?  Who watched him shoot Paul?  No, Summer is all important.  Jack says, “Wise up, son.  YOU are going behind bars, and this marriage is going away!”

 

Sharon freaks out over Faith’s picture.  Faith shouldn’t be thinking like this.  Nick thinks they should really talk about doing it, but Sharon says they are never getting married again.  Nick looks hurt.

 

Malibu Courtney and Noah flirt in swimsuits on the roof.

 

Victoria’s confused about the Stitch and Kelly thing.  Billy pretends he hates that this is happening or it upsets Vicky.  She asks him if he expects a reward?  Does he think she’ll fly into his arms now??   She says she’s DONE and leaves.

 

Stitch doesn’t know what to say to Victoria.  He’s afraid of Jenna taking off with Max.  He and Kelly have some forced sibling banter.   Kelly says Billy only knows they are brother and sister, and nothing else.  He still has a chance to tell Victoria the rest himself.

 

Jack says they are getting this marriage annulled immediately.  Summer shouts and cries about her epic love for Austin and that she’s been walking in the dark, until she met him and felt safe, blah blah.  Jack doesn’t do it, Nick doesn’t do it, but AUSTIN makes her feel happy.  If Jack won’t accept him then maybe he should just leave his own property.  Summer runs off, and Jack asks Austin what it’s going to take to get him out of her life?

 

Nick’s like, wow.  Well, what if he does want to get married?  She’s like, too bad, so sad, they’ve been married before.  Yeah, yeah, she’s imagined it again, and it got ugly when she thought he was going to marry Avery, but she was a wackadoo then.  She says she’s back to herself now and knows that marriage is not in the cards for them.  Like, ever.  Why?  Because she’s afraid she’ll end up causing him more pain.

 

Austin says he didn’t talk Summer into getting married; SHE talked HIM into it.  He says Summer is stubborn and weirdly convincing and talks until you don’t know what to do.  Jack says he’s well aware of her powers of persuasion.  He might not know about the ones she uses on boys.  But Austin says it was his choice and he won’t be bribed into leaving her.  Jack says Austin can only offer Summer heartbreak.  But Austin thinks he offers Summer love and comfort when she’s lonely and sad, so he’s not walking away from her.  Jack storms out, and Summer comes in and they bond.

 

Kelly tells Stitch he’s already paid for what he’s done.  He served his time.  Ah, so Stitch was a jail bird.  She’ll never forget what he did, but she can’t walk around angry anymore.  This makes Stitch happy.  Victoria walks up and spoils their reunion by asking just what WAS the trouble between them?  Did Mom always like Stitch best?  Kelly looks super bummed, Stitch looks busted, and Victoria glares.  Oh, come on, you know she’s gotta be thrilled that Stitch never banged Kelly like Billy did.

 

Chelsea’s playing dress up and working on a new, ugly design.  Billy stops by, and she’s super excited.  He says that is one ugly outfit.  Ha, Billy and I agree on something!  She’s offended and asks what Billy knows about fashion??  He knows enough to know that’s a trainwreck.  He’s just trying to be honest, that’s his new thing.  She says it’s a work in progress, so shut up. 

 

He wants to be friends and talk about friends and talk about her friendly kiss.  She’s like, uh huh, he never comes over unless something's going on with Victoria, so what’s going on with Victoria?  Okay, okay, he told Victoria about Stitch and Kelly.  He tells Chelsea that they’re siblings, and Chelsea grosses out over everything.  She tries to tell Billy about Kevin’s info, but he doesn’t want to hear it.  Vicky wasn’t grateful at all for his other information, so he’s not telling her anything else.

 

Victoria says Stitch and Kelly must have thought it was hilarious when she tried to set them up.  Kelly says there is nothing hilarious about any of this.  She apologizes to Victoria and leaves.  Stitch says he’s sorry, and Vicky says she doesn’t want “I’m sorry,” she just wants to know WHY?  WHY did he keep this from her?

 

Courtney and Noah talk about Mariah being a criminal.  Speaking of criminals, Courtney sees Austin and Summer come in.  What a great idea, kids!  Noah’s like wtf?!  He tells Austin to get away from his sister.  Courtney’s like you shouldn’t even have made bail!  Well, Summer says, he DID and now he’s my husband!  Noah and Courtney freak out, and she says please tell me you’re not that gullible!  Austin’s like, hey, watch how you talk to my wife!  Noah and Courtney look like they want to bitch slap both of them.

 

Sharon’s like, Nick, we’ve wounded each other so many times.  You can’t trust me, I could go cray cray again.  He says he’s sticking with her whether they’re married or not, so she’s like, fine, then let’s leave it how it is and be grateful!  So Nick gets on one knee.  She’s like, you aren’t listening!  He says, “I love you, Sharon Newman( Newman Newman), and I want to spend every single day of the rest of  my life with you.  So, Sharon, will you please NOT  marry me?”  She gets down on her knees, too, and says, “I won’t.”  They laugh and kiss.  I love Shick.  I can’t help it.

 

Noah’s like, you’re coming with me, Summer, so I can talk sense into you.  She’s like, you’re just gonna say the same stuff as Jack, and I’m not going to care.  He gets his dander up and says, I’m your BROTHER, and I’ve been your brother your whole life.  Are you really gonna shut me down??  Summer gives in and agrees to talk to him.  Austin tells Courtney to go easy on Summer, because it’s him she hates.  She lets him know she’s the one that shot him, and if anything happens to Summer, her aim will be a lot better next time.  He doesn’t look very scared.

 

Noah says he knows how Summer feels.  He went through this with Adrianna, dancing around the law, breaking the rules.  He thought he would love her enough to turn her life around, but it didn’t happen.  And it’s not gonna  happen with this guy.  Ha.  THIS is DIFFERENT.  THIS is REAL. THIS is SUMMER. Austin’s really really sorry, and he has HER now.

 

Jack comes storming in his office and tells Kelly that Summer married him!  She married that cop shooting son of a bitch!  Kelly says to stay calm, but Jack’s in a rage.  He says she’s young, she’s STUPID, and she thinks she’s in love.  Kelly’s like, whoa, he’s never talked about Summer like that.  Maybe that’s her problem.  Jack says that’s right, she’s not stupid, she’s just a teenager and loves the drama. Kelly’s like maybe she really cares about the guy.  Jack can’t even hear that.  He’s going to call Nick, and Kelly’s like NO, one furious father is enough right now.  She tries to get him to calm down and see a positive here, and he just gets madder.

 

Stitch tries to explain that he and Kelly were on the outs for years.  She says he had plenty of time to tell her.  Is he trying to prove Billy right?  Maybe it was a mistake to trust  Stitch.

 

Billy tells Chelsea he should have let the whole Rayburn thing drop.  He should have talked about anything but that guy, so don’t tell him anything about him.  Chelsea tells him Happy Birthday instead, so he tells her the outfit isn’t that ugly.  She admits it IS ugly, and maybe she’s lost her mojo.  Blah blah, they get to talking about the buzzing in the nursery and he offers to check it out.

 

Kelly tells Jack this marriage was a hasty, passionate mistake, but that doesn’t mean Austin is a lost cause.  Blah blah redemption.  Uh, no.  His daughter is connected for LIFE to this guy.  Kelly’s like, really?  For life??  Austin will go to prison, and Summer will cry, and realize she’s YOUNG, and it will be over.  Jack can be the one who’s there to hold her hand.  Wait it out. Be the one she runs TO, not FROM.  He thanks Kelly for calming him down, and the fireworks start, and they kiss.

 

It looks like Noah’s just going to have to deal with Summer being a fool.  Courtney says they’ll just have to  look out for them.  All the lovers of Genoa City watch the fireworks, except for Stitch and Victoria.    Vicky tells Stitch she can’t do this if it’s going to be like life with Billy and never knowing what he isn’t telling her.  Stitch says he loves her.  He says she knows everything about him, and if she loves him too, she’ll believe him.  He looks just like Brett Favre right now.  Way to blow it, Stitch.

 

Billy thinks maybe it’s a bug in the nursery.  Chelsea doesn’t get it.   Billy figures out where it’s coming from. Adam’s Hand watches them look for it.

Edited July 5, 2014 by peach

[Joimiaroxeu]

she has a marriage license to prove it, which you can get instantly in GC.

Yeah, I had to google that. There's a five-day waiting period in WI but I guess waiting a week isn't dramatic enough when there's young love on the line.

 

Jack doesn’t do it, Nick doesn’t do it, but AUSTIN makes her feel happy.

Oy, there's an obvious remark to make about the different way Austin makes her feel happy but Nick and Jack don't (or can't; well, technically I guess Nick could but ewww). I'm just gonna sit on my hands and leave it alone.

 

His daughter is connected for LIFE to this guy.  Kelly’s like, really?  For life??

Jack is so ridiculous. How many times has he been married "for life"? This is just Summer's starter marriage (but her third last name, right?). She'll probably have three or four husbands under her belt by the time she's Phyllis' age.

[peach]

Yeah, I had to google that. There's a five-day waiting period in WI but I guess waiting a week isn't dramatic enough when there's young love on the line.

 

Oy, there's an obvious remark to make about the different way Austin makes her feel happy but Nick and Jack don't (or can't; well, technically I guess Nick could but ewww). I'm just gonna sit on my hands and leave it alone.

 

Genoa City probably just has a kiosk where you can print out a marriage license 24 hours a day.  And a judge who just sits around waiting to marry people with no appointment.

 

And yeah, I just left that one alone, too.  lol

[peacheslatour]

 

Genoa City probably just has a kiosk where you can print out a marriage license 24 hours a day.  And a judge who just sits around waiting to marry people with no appointment.

Right next to the DNA testing booth.  Paternity Tests While U Wait!

[peach]

Right next to the DNA testing booth.  Paternity Tests While U Wait!

Followed by the cryogenic sperm booth!

[peach]

Mon, July 7, 2014
Fireworks continue.  Shick makes out. Nick unzips Sharon’s dress so we can see her underwear.
Ian thinks Mariah isn’t safe at the No-Tell Motel.  She needs to do a much better job conning Sharon into a better set that they’re already using every day, like her cottage.  Yeah, why not?

 

Dylan is awake and more boring than when he was unconscious.  He tells Avery about being in limbo with Sully. It’s even more riveting the second time.

 

Nikki really is getting sued by Ian.  She complains about how stupid she is.  Victor sends her back to the hospital so he can call Nick and tell him about the lawsuit.  Nick wants to teach Ian a lesson, but Victor reminds him they need to find out his connection to Mariah.  Sharon, in her underwear, demands to know why Nick is talking about Mariah, or talking to Victor at all.  Well, because poor, little Mariah knows Ian Ward.

 

Mariah drops by the cottage while Shick hastily tries to re-dress, which normally you would do before ANSWERING THE DOOR.  Mariah says she has nowhere else to go, and Sharon suggests she ask Ian since they’re so close. Mariah pretends she’s glad Nick told Sharon.  She claims someone broke into her room.  Nick is suspicious but Sharon offers for Mariah to stay there, because of course.  Mariah doesn’t want to upset Nick, but he knows there will be no more dress unzipping if he doesn’t agree.  Also, he can [spy on] get to know her.

 

Stitch is a lying liar who lies and tells Victoria his entire secret is being secret siblings with Kelly, which totally explains why his ex-wife ran away to Australia.  Kelly is THAT annoying.  He couldn’t tell Vicky the nonsecret because she hates Kelly, oh, and his whole unit was slaughtered, which has  nothing to do with anything, but he flatters her a bunch, too, so, yeah, they kiss and make up.

 

They meet at her house later where she’s eating ice cream AND pickled OKRA at the same time, because no pregnancy cliché will go unturned.  Stitch feels the baby move.  He kisses her baby bump before he leaves, which isn't presumptuous at all.  Vicky calls and leaves Billy a message because she forgot to tell him Happy Birthday.

 

Billy’s going to find that buzzing camera, but wouldn’t you know it, climbing on a plastic chair tweaks his back because he’s such a lazy ass, and Adam’s Hand twists his wedding ring around because he’s thinking about his WIFE, y’all, that he never told he was alive.  Chelsea tries to help lazy Billy by taking off his jacket, and Adam’s Fist clenches.  Adam’s second rate henchman says he can fix the buzzing from their undisclosed location, which seems kind of fishy to me. 

 

Billy whines about not wanting to celebrate his birthday  anymore, but maybe Chelsea can change his mind.  The only way for Billy to recover is laying on the couch with his shirt open in low lighting.  Chelsea brings him a birthday apple with a sparkler in it.  She knows his birthday wish is about Victoria.  So she gives him a massage.  He rolls over and is about to kiss her, but she whispers that it’s a bad idea.  But that’s Billy’s favorite kind of idea!  So there’s a deluxe sex scene between his former paid rapist and the guy who killed her husband.  But they both seem to really enjoy it.

 

Christine revisits GCRB.  She tells Paul to stay the hell in bed.  But he wants to see that pesky son of his, he’s not giving up, Christine.  Nikki AND Victor stop by.  Paul tells Victor that one minute he’s getting gunned down by a mixed up kid with great abs, and the next he finds out he has a grown son, who made the mixed up kid pull the trigger.  Nikki’s son.  “Yup,” says Victor.  Paul thinks things work out for a reason, and they weren’t meant to raise Dylan.

 

Victor hopes Dylan’s a better son than Adam.  Paul worries that Victor’s going to have issues with the new family arrangements at Christmas, but Victor would rather Paul be passing the mashed potatoes instead of Ian Ward.

 

Chris apologizes to Nikki in the hallway, and Nikki forgives her, because this show is BORING.  Nikki apologizes too. Then she visits Dylan.  He asks how Paul feels about the whole dad thing, and Victor wheels him in.  Paul and Dylan stare at each other with major bro feelz.  Then they talk about bro feelz.

 

Nick calls Victor and tells him he has the key to Ian’s weak spot, by giving Mariah the key to the cottage. Meanwhile, Mariah and Ian congratulate themselves on Sharon inviting Mariah to stay.  Ian’s just that good.

 

And I'm out of beer, so this recap is over!

[Petunia13]

So there’s a deluxe sex scene between his former paid rapist and the guy who killed her husband. But they both seem to really enjoy it.

This show is so DEMENTED! Lol and not in a good way!

Redic about Mop she's so damn desparate and gullible when it comes to to Stench. Maybe that's not new since she forgave and got played by jackass Billy and her scheming piece of shit dad a bunch in the past. Still it is a little odd since he is a billionaire and yes to be a clever business lady who made decisions that impacted thousands of lives. Now she's swayed by a half ass nonsense lie cuz the guy is cute.

[Joimiaroxeu]

But they both seem to really enjoy it.

Wasn't Billy supposed to be having a back spasm or something? If so it made sense that they'd do it on the floor but then they positioned themselves with him on top. It would have made more sense the other way around (in order to spare his back). Bad directing.

 

Paul and Dylan stare at each other with major bro feelz.  Then they talk about bro feelz.

"Bro feelz". Love it.

Edited July 10, 2014 by Joimiaroxeu

[pearlite]

Just catching up here, but I haven't seen mention of a crucial CLUE yet. As Sharon and Summer bonded , re briding up for Summer's big event, Sharon pulls out a lipstick and mentions how appropriate it is for a bride...

 

"Nearly Nude" is appropriate for a bride? Sorry, I got caught on the name, and I do realize it's probably supposed to be a natural-looking shade. But.

 

And then...dun, dun, dun, dun...Sharon goes wonky, and says she's just not feeling her perkiest. And we know why.

 

I think that might have been the only storyline-connect I've seen since, well, forever.

[peach]

Okay, back from vacay, getting caught up!  Recaps soon, although everyone is way ahead of me, lol.  I haven't read the main thread so I can continue to be surprised by everything that doesn't happen.

Edited July 15, 2014 by peach

[QuePasa]

Yeah, I had to google that. There's a five-day waiting period in WI but I guess waiting a week isn't dramatic enough when there's young love on the line.

You can waive the waiting period though. They just did that here in Wisconsin, for example, when the gay marriage ban was struck down for a few days before the order was stayed. A number of gay couples were able to get married right away during that time.

Of course, it's not like they addressed that in the show though to show they knew that.

Edited July 15, 2014 by QuePasa

[peach]

Tue, July 8, 2014   Billionaires Have Bad Days, Too

 

Billy wakes up with Chelsea and his back is all better.  He’s like, hey, that was great, gotta go.  Chelsea’s insulted that Billy thinks it was some crazy, impulsive act, like with Kelly.  Billy says, fine, “it evolved from a kiss to a slap to a kiss to a denial to a roll around under the covers.  Satisfied?”  She is not satisfied, but Anita comes in, embarrassing them both, and Billy grabs the rest of his clothes and leaves. 

 

Anita’s like, woo hoo!  First a Newman, now an Abbott!   Chelsea’s like, but it’s Billy.  And it’s too soon.  And he killed Adam.  Kevin sends Chelsea an email about how Ben Rayburn wasn’t Stitch before he died in the car crash.  How stupid is this show?  IF BEN IS DEAD, HE ISN’T STITCH.  We’ve covered this already.  Also, Peach is freaking out because she actually did go to high school in Chesterfield, MO!  Is this show on to me?  I didn’t know Ben, though.  Anita thinks Chelsea should keep this info to herself so Vicky stays with Stitch, and Chelsea can keep Billy.

 

Jack brings Kelly breakfast in bed for stopping him from going crazy when he found out Summer married a criminal.  He opines that he doesn’t know how to raise a woman-child like Summer.  Kelly was a goody-two-shoes at that age and all the family pressure was on her to succeed.  Ben was “a different story.”   Jack has to get to Jabot if only to work on his family issues.  Because that’s why I go to the office.

 

Austin and Summer giggle like two kids in the malt shop even though one of them Is looking at doing hard time, which is marriage to Summer.  Courtney tries to avoid them, but Summer still wants to be besties, even though Court had to shoot Austin fairly recently.  They go on about this for the whole episode.  Summer just wants a friennnnd, which means agree with all her stupid ass decisions like marrying a felon after a week.  She makes Neil seem rational.

 

Lily and Cane hang out on the roof of the club because they went to Paris for like a day.  Lily hates thatwoman, Hilary, who is downstairs having an uncomfortable breakfast because cheap Neil won’t take her anywhere else.  Devon walks in, prompting Hilary to ask Neil to plan a honeymoon ASAP.  He squints at her, because honeymoons cost money, and where is Hilary getting these independent ideas anyway?

 

Neil actually tells Hilary “slow your roll,” and wants to know what the big rush is to have a honeymoon right after a wedding.  I mean, who does that?  And Neil has textiles to approve, you guys.  Hilary acquiesces like a good little girl, but she’s sad because there are a lot of things she wants that she didn’t know she wanted, like maybe a normal life.  She talks about her security issues and Neil promises “to spend every single day keeping her happy” unless it’s going on a honeymoon or having a baby.  She tells him her little girl dream of having a big house with a yard and lake.  He does the slow talking which cleanses her brain, and she leaves. 

 

Devon and Lily congratulate themselves on the rooftop thing, and talk about what an idiot Devon is for throwing money off of it.  He says billionaires have bad days, too.  Cane can’t believe Devon went to the icky wedding. (Is he drinking milk??  At a pool bar?  Blech.)  Devon whines about what a terrible billionaire he is, and that he needs to get a damn job or something to stop thinking about Hilary.

 

Hilary comes along, dressed for business, and Lily pushes her into the pool just for existing.  Devon fishes her out, and gets her a towel while Hilary says she hates this, but she deserves it for not being a good person…and Devon knows why.  He gets her a room in the hotel where she can change and get her clothes dry cleaned.  Lily thinks it’s gross that Devon is falling all over her.  Neil is online looking up a dream house for Hilary.

 

Billy is hanging around Jack’s office whining about how he’s a mess and needs his big brother.   Jack asks what woman is it this time?  He asks Jack what’s wrong with him, Billy, doing things like having mindless, desperate sex with Kelly?  Jack’s like, uh, I’m pretty sure you weren’t with her last night, because that’s when Jack was having desperate sex with her.  Billy doesn’t tell him he was having desperate sex with Chelsea.   Jack tells Billy to stop feeling guilty since Victoria filed for divorce, but Billy still thinks he has a chance with Vicky.  Jack clearly doesn’t.

 

Austin stops by, and Billy’s so self-involved he has no idea what’s going on, and probably doesn’t remember who Summer is either, but he acts tough around Austin anyway, and leaves.  Austin is there to tell Jack that if he goes to prison, he’ll divorce Summer.  Jack thinks that sounds AWESOME and thinks Austin ought to just do it now to save time.   Nope, because if he gets off by some miracle, then he’s staying with Summer 4Evah.

 

Kelly runs into Billy, and he gets an attitude and asks her why she didn’t tell him Stitch was her brother.  She’s like, I don’t owe you shit, Billy.  He digs a little more and then remembers he isn’t doing that anymore because it pushes Victoria away.  Probably not as much as having sex with Chelsea, though.

[peacheslatour]

Ha ha ha peach, deep breath, hahaha *wipes tear* oh my.  Soldier on my dear friend.

[peach]

Wed, July 9, 2014

 

Paul is forlorn.  He has a groovy to flashback to when he and Nikki were super young and talking about what they would do if Nikki ever got pregnant.  Christine comes in, and Paul freaks her out because getting shot has him reevaluating all his priorities, about everything.

 

Nikki’s at home having the same flashback because Paul psychically enters people’s minds now, y’all.  She remembers how Paul would hypothetically want to be a father if she were the preggo one, which is always easy to say.  Victor sits reading a fake Sports Illustrated.  Nikki whines about feeling guilty for depriving Paul from raising his son, and he should hate her.  Victor thinks that’s stupid.

 

Paul tells Chris that life is wonderful with her, but he’s had a lot of time to think.  She’s about to bawl, and then Nikki calls and insists on speaking to Paul right that minute.  Um, no, he’s resting, buh bye!  Chris is about to lose it wanting to know if Paul means he doesn’t want to have a child anymore and why?  Paul’s like, cuz I’m old, duh. 

 

Chris demands to know if it’s because of Dylan.  He’s like, no, it’s because he almost DIED, and he could STILL reject the Wonder Liver and DIE.  And he doesn’t want to leave a future child without a father.  But Chris needs a baby to bond her to Paul.  He disagrees.  She slams Nikki for being so f’ing stupid for not being able to do math after sex and cheating him out of life with Dylan.

 

Nikki is super pissed that Christine hung up on her.  She bitches and rants about how Chris is trying to control her talking to Paul, blah blah, but Victor totally gets Christine.  He also wants Nikki to rest and eat a Snickers or something so she can stop being such a bitch.  She will, but not because he said so.

 

Devon has taken pool drenched Hilary to a room at the club to clean up and get her clothes dried.  He wants to do it because she’s so speshul.  And also so when he brings her clothes he bought from the boutique, he can accidentally catch her in a towel.  He goes on and on and on about how he can’t make his feeling for her go away after two whole days.  She wants him to stop talking like this.

 

Billy left a sock at Chelsea’s so she can have a flashback to sleeping with him last night.  Nothing like a guy’s dirty sock to get a girl emotional.  She calls Kevin and tells him not to tell Billy anything about Stitch, just tell her.

 

Stitch sees Victoria at the hospital.  He says Dylan’s been such a baby he tried to transfer him to pediatrics.  Vicky’s going to visit Reed, and will have the paternity test when she gets back.  Stitch says he loves her no matter who the father is.

 

Neil visits Lily on the roof.  The kids totally narc on Lily for throwing their step-grandma in the pool.  He’s furious, and sneers that good son Devon is so much better than horrible Lily.  He yells at her to grow up!  He leaves to find Hilary. 

 

Victoria visits Billy before she takes Johnny to visit Reed.  She asks if he did anything special for his birthday.  Umm, uhh, he celebrated “the usual way” which is banging whoever happens to be in the same room with him.  He wished for her to take him back of course.  They talk about Reed and how Billy is the best stepdad ever.  She reminds him the paternity test is when she gets back, and he admits he kinda doesn’t want to know.  He offers to show her the room he wants Johnny to have in the Abbott manse.

 

Chelsea stops by the hospital to, uh, check on Dylan.  Stitch knows she’s just there digging up dirt and asks what’s in it for her.  She plays dumb, but you can’t bullshit a bullshitter.  She asks how Stitch could be the same guy who painted Dylan’s loft, and he asks how she can be the same woman they painted it for?  She doesn’t fool him with her pretty smile.  She asks for a truce, but then asks if he knows a friend of hers that went to, um, Chesterfield High??  Stitch is pissed, and Chelsea loves it.  She leaves, and Stitch calls a mystery person and says Chelsea might come around asking questions about him and Kell.

 

Neil shows up in Hilary’s room where Devon also is.  Neil shouts about Lily for a while, and why didn’t either of them call him?? Devon is so sorry, Daddy.  Daddy appreciates Devon and thinks he will grow to love Hilary.  Devon’s about to have a stroke.

 

Cane tells Lily she can’t do this crazy stuff to Hilary.  “WHY CAN’T I???” Apparently Lily’s recent exorcism didn’t really take, because she goes on her usual rant about the evil that is Hilary and how she’s totally justified in her behavior.  She’s driving Cane crazy, and then Devon is back.  He has to get out of town ASAP before he has some kind of breakdown.

 

Neil tells Hilary that he told Devon he’ll grow to love her.  Hilary wants to go on that honeymoon NOW.  Nice try, Hilary, but nope.  Neil’s just going to kiss her instead.

 

Chelsea stops by the Abbotts’, and I guess she doesn’t know what kind of car Victoria drives, because she comes in to bring her fellow billionaire his dirty sock back.  She says she has no regrets that they slept together.  Which Victoria overhears, of course.  GASP!

 

Paul defends Nikki to Chris and doesn’t want to fight about it.  She has to do some work stuff and leaves.  Nikki sneaks in because nobody’s going to tell HER no.  She wants to talk.  She was so desperate to get away from Ian, that’s why she left the baby.  But if she HAD known it was Paul, she would have kept the baby. Victor listens at the door.

[Joimiaroxeu]

Courtney tries to avoid them, but Summer still wants to be besties, even though Court had to shoot Austin fairly recently.

How does that even work? "Gee, sorry I had to shoot your husband but he kept fleeing when I yelled at him to freeze." "No prob, it was only a flesh wound. I put some Neosporin on it and it was all better. Let's go shopping!"

[Snaporaz]

Welcome back, peach!

 

I can't believe you're doing make-up homework, but I'm kind of glad you are.  This show's so damn boring, I forget what happened the minute I hit the "delete" button on the DVR.

Edited July 15, 2014 by Snaporaz

[pearlite]

Welcome back, peach!

 

I can't believe you're doing make-up homework, but I'm kind of glad you are.  This show's so damn boring, I forget what happened the minute I hit the "delete" button on the DVR.

I thought I may have been the only one with this problem. I watch the show in the late afternoon/early evening, then I realize I can barely remember any actual plot-points from the episode the next morning.