S04.E24: Secrets Revealed

[OnceSane]

Previously unseen footage, humorous clips and embarrassing moments from "Vanderpump Rules" are presented.

[Judi Sunshine]

NICE. Thanks for the heads up!

[HunterHunted]

1. I would have appreciated seeing Schwartz fall asleep in the desk chair as part of the regular season. He's such an adorable dumb puppy.

2. I didn't understand Sandoval and Ariana's joint head shot shoot. Though I've always said that Sandoval should try to transition into styling.

3. One crystal therapy session is equivalent to 10 regular therapy sessions if you are the type of person to passively participate in therapy. It takes you 10 regular therapy sessions to realize that your refusal to do real work means you are wasting your time and money. You realize that crystal therapy is a waste of time and money after 1 session because of your complete inability to be self reflective.

4. Scheana has an addiction problem. She's addicted to fame and attention.

5. How is Jax this bad at American English idioms and phrases?!????! Is English his first language?

6. Jax tattooed the Toms' names on his arm! Schwartz hilariously remarked that Jax only tattoos the names of 1 out of every 5 people he meets on his body so they, the Toms, are in good company.

7. Gay pool party. Yayyyyy! The Vanderpump Fools in Speedos. Noooo! Ariana without a trace of irony or a hint of self-awareness describing Kristen and James as the couple who has to show and prove they are in love.

8. CPR training with these idiots. Such a joke.

Edited April 8, 2016 by HunterHunted

[WhosThatGirl]

"I can't do CPR today because I have botox" Schena is ridiculous. In the best way. 

 

Also, how does Schwartz not have his comedy show? Everything he does is just pure gold. Instead of trying to be a model, just start pitching yourself to network with all this footage of you...letting Lisa's animals run wild through her house and falling asleep in chairs. I still remember the unseen moments of last season when he fell asleep while Katie and Jax fought and Katie left the apartment and Schwartz woke up all, "what happened? Katie left?"  WHY ISN'T THIS SHOW ALL ABOUT SCWARTZ? Why do they make us suffer with Araina scenes when we could have Tom falling asleep in a chair?

 

Otherwise..these unseen moments didn't do much for me, except for the Tom scenes and also Schena's reason for not being able to do CPR that one day. 

[Ubiquitous]

I think I heard once that alcoholism runs in families, SCHENA.

[Dev]

I missed the first five or so minutes!  I can't remember what else happened besides the Jaxisms, Scheana getting wasted with her mom while worrying about Shay's alcoholism, and Ariana saying Kristen has a kangaroo pouch.  I'm kind of glad the season is over!  I need a break from this crew.  I would love them to ditch some of the newbies they tried to force on us next season and bring on some people who actually have history working at Sur.  Doubtful!   I'm sure they are casting as we speak.

Edited April 8, 2016 by Dev

[walnutqueen]

1. I would have appreciated seeing Schwartz fall asleep in the desk chair as part of the regular season. He's such an adorable dumb puppy.

2. I didn't understand Sandoval and Ariana's joint head shot shoot. Though I've always said that Sandoval should try to transition into styling.

3. One crystal therapy session is equivalent to 10 regular therapy sessions if you are the type of person to passively participate in therapy. It takes you 10 regular therapy sessions to realize that your refusal to do real work means you are wasting your time and money. You realize that crystal therapy is a waste of time and money after 1 session because of your complete inability to be self reflective.

4. Scheana has an addiction problem. She's addicted to fame and attention.

5. How is Jax this bad at American English idioms and phrases?!????! Is English his first language?

6. Jax tattooed the Toms' names on his arm! Schwartz hilariously remarked that Jax only tattoos the names of 1 out of every 5 people he meets on his body so they, the Toms, are in good company.

7. Gay pool party. Yayyyyy! The Vanderpump Fools in Speedos. Noooo! Ariana without a trace of irony or a hint of self-awareness describing Kristen and James as the couple who has to show and prove they are in love.

8. CPR training with these idiots. Such a joke.

 

9.  Pipsqueak busboy's loooong diatribe about how stupid and ignorant Jax was for shoplifting, and how Jax would have to move to Canada to start his 3rd new life.  "Say hi to Sarah Palin for me, mate."   Who's the stupid ignorant one now, ya little gollum?

[Misslindsey]

 

Also, how does Schwartz not have his comedy show? Everything he does is just pure gold. Instead of trying to be a model, just start pitching yourself to network with all this footage of you...letting Lisa's animals run wild through her house and falling asleep in chairs.

Probably because Schwartz does not take comedy as seriously as Ariana. Can you imagine how bitter Ariana would be if Schwartz had his own comedy show? She would be even more dour.

[Ubiquitous]

One crystal therapy session is equivalent to 10 regular therapy sessions if you are the type of person to passively participate in therapy. It takes you 10 regular therapy sessions to realize that your refusal to do real work means you are wasting your time and money. You realize that crystal therapy is a waste of time and money after 1 session because of your complete inability to be self reflective.

Wow, what kind of B.S. was all that, any way? I would have laughed that charlatan out of my house had she shown up with a Pylon control board model kit and started setting it up on my kitchen table.

[Jextella]

I think I just clued into the nature of the James vs. Jax feud.  They both have ADHD and need attention.  Two over-the-top, unfocused, and needy personalities scampering about in the same cage.

 

A fight was bound to happen. 

[TattleTeeny]

I wish James wasn't such a dick, and that his personality stopped at merely snarky. I really feel like he'd be pretty funny if that were the case. And call me crazy, I thought Jax's tattoo was kind of sweet.

 

5. How is Jax this bad at American English idioms and phrases?!????! Is English his first language?

 

I was a dean's-list English major in college, and I now write and edit for a living. In conversation, I am awful at idioms too (in a fit of pique at work once, I yelled that the "hand is on the other foot now!" And have declared that I "wouldn't eat at that place with a 10-foot pole!") Not that Jax is some kind of genius, obviously, but his problem with this likely has less to do with lack of intelligence than it does with whatever picture he gets in his head regarding the saying. At least, that's the case with me--and, of course, fits of pique.

Edited April 8, 2016 by TattleTeeny

[HumblePi]

I never giggled so much during one of the Vanderpump Rules episodes. Sheana saying how she just doesn't understand alcoholism as she chugs down a couple of bottles of red wine with a straw. And when did Sheana turn into an alien? Is it possible that the Schlock Mercenary of the Fleetmind Artificial Intelligence agency transported her through some mysterious way to Planet Zoltar in the Triangulam Galaxy?

 

The crystal session with Kristen and James, what a stupid thing that is. How gullible can two people be? Jax and his lack of knowledge about geography or euphemisms didn't surprise me just as his fetish for putting dirty stinky feet in his mouth (and wherever else). Jax should cut back on the steroids, I think it made his brain matter develop dumb muscles. Speaking of lack of gray matter, the 'two-Toms' might have enough brains to function in normal society if they were somehow able to meld their two brains together to make one complete cohesive brain.

 

They're all so idiotic and immature. I really don't want to believe that they're the future of our country. That thought makes me so depressed that I can barely stand it. As soon as I finish watching one of these episodes I immediately switch the channel to C-Span or CNN. I just want to reassure myself that I can still comprehend grown up words and process thoughts.

 

Lisa Vanderpump, about the animals.....stop, just stop already. Are you and Ken expecting another 'great flood' sent by some deity? It appears that way from the gathering and hoarding of several species of livestock. What will you acquire next?

[TattleTeeny]

Lisa Vanderpump, about the animals.....stop, just stop already. Are you and Ken expecting another 'great flood' sent by some deity? It appears that way from the gathering and hoarding of several species of livestock. What will you acquire next?

 

I don't see what's wrong with it if she's got the means and is caring for them properly.

[HunterHunted]

When Lisa couldn't remember the names of all of her animals, I kept hoping that two of them would be named Innuendo and Double Entendre.

[OnceSane]

Probably because Schwartz does not take comedy as seriously as Ariana. Can you imagine how bitter Ariana would be if Schwartz had his own comedy show? She would be even more dour.

Is that even possible?

[racked]

This episode was kind of fun. It was hilarious when FI got all defensive about Katie calling modeling/acting a pipe dream for Schwartz. FI went on and on about how it's such hard work when Katie never said it was easy or a fantasy job. She just said it wasn't happening for Tom. FI is not too bright.

[WhosThatGirl]

This episode was kind of fun. It was hilarious when FI got all defensive about Katie calling modeling/acting a pipe dream for Schwartz. FI went on and on about how it's such hard work when Katie never said it was easy or a fantasy job. She just said it wasn't happening for Tom. FI is not too bright.

Right? And I love Schwartz, like to the moon and back he's kind of the best thing on this show at times, but, Katie is kind..of right. It is a pipe dream. He doesn't do many modeling gigs as of late, which is why he tried to get in on Pandora's Sangria thing or whatever. He obviously knows at this point that modeling won't be bread winner for good at this point. He keeps looking for backups. 

 

Tom isn't that bright. He probably got defensive because he also wants to be a model. He also probably doesn't want Arainia to start calling it a pipe dream to him later on. 

Edited April 10, 2016 by WhosThatGirl

[druzy]

Faith just tries too hard. Is she the one that Lala threatened with a knife?

[Ubiquitous]

When Jax went to get the "Tom, Tom, and I" [sic] tattoo, I kept wondering if the circus were in town. OK, I was also amused by his Prevail tshirt because wow, that brought back memories!

[Misslindsey]

I thought FI was so defensive about practically everything. He looked irritated every time Kristen spoke, even when it was about something that had nothing to do with him or Ariana. I get that Kristen is his ex and he does not particularly like her, but he looked like his head was going to explode when she spoke. It seemed a bit over the top, especially since he is so in love with Ariana. I almost think FI would be more cordial to Kristen if it wasn't for Ariana, who does not seem to like anyone. Oh but she likes Lala, so who knows.

[OhGromit]

Phew.  The producers did Scheana a favor this season by saving her most awful moments for the Secrets Revealed episode.  What a self-involved, delusional idiot.  

[heatherchandler]

Phew.  The producers did Scheana a favor this season by saving her most awful moments for the Secrets Revealed episode.  What a self-involved, delusional idiot.  

 

Or her idiot mother.  Did you hear her mom say, "are you going to put the fruit in it?" when asking about the red wine?  Was she thinking of sangria?  Or did she think that Sheana has created some new way to drink wine?  The mother seems like she would like to be on the show.  Famewhoring runs in the family.

[Ubiquitous]

Faith just tries too hard. Is she the one that Lala threatened with a knife?

Speaking of trying to hard, there's LaLa giving tips on how to have sex with food...

 

 

Or her idiot mother.  Did you hear her mom say, "are you going to put the fruit in it?" when asking about the red wine? 

I was more surprised by her asking if she should drink it and whatever FI Tom made "two fisted' or just chug it like a shot.

[Jennifersdc]

There's an awesome interview with FI on Jezebel. He'd apparently like to sit around and talk about science and theoretical physics. No he really said that. Interviewer was like you study that in school? Obviously not - he just thinks it's really cool. So how does one dabble in theoretical physics? Buy a textbook? Crash lectures? What an idiot.

[Adira]

The fact that Jax got a tattoo that says "Tom, Tom, and i" with a lowercase "i" makes me ragey.  How did no one fix that??

Edited April 11, 2016 by Adira

[Ubiquitous]

I wondered about that as well, and yes, it annoyed the hell out of me.

[bref]

Surprised he didn't just go with T.i.T.

[DrSparkles]

Surprised he didn't just go with T.i.T.

He's not clever or smart, like you are :)  because THAT is funny!!!

Edited April 12, 2016 by DrSparkles

[The Mighty Peanut]

This episode was kind of fun. It was hilarious when FI got all defensive about Katie calling modeling/acting a pipe dream for Schwartz. FI went on and on about how it's such hard work when Katie never said it was easy or a fantasy job. She just said it wasn't happening for Tom. FI is not too bright.

 

FI reminds me so much of the earnest kid trope from every 1980s adventure movie in existence. Every time he flips out I imagine him trying to convince the crew to save the neighborhood park from being bulldozed. 

 

Edited April 12, 2016 by The Mighty Peanut

[Judi Sunshine]

FI reminds me so much of the earnest kid trope from every 1980s adventure movie in existence. Every time he flips out I imagine him trying to convince the crew to save the neighborhood park from being bulldozed. 

 

Omg, that is perfect. PERFECT! Not sure I'll ever watch an '80s adventure movie in the same way again :-D

Edited April 12, 2016 by Judi Sunshine

[HunterHunted]

There's an awesome interview with FI on Jezebel. He'd apparently like to sit around and talk about science and theoretical physics. No he really said that. Interviewer was like you study that in school? Obviously not - he just thinks it's really cool. So how does one dabble in theoretical physics? Buy a textbook? Crash lectures? What an idiot.

I actually know a medical doctor who did just that. For a while, he even worked at SpaceX. He'd been dabbling for years after teaching himself. He'd go to conferences. After awhile he started creating posters and writing papers that were accepted and presented at the conferences. After 30 plus years of dabbling and after going through a divorce, he worked for a couple of years as an aerospace engineer.

But Tom Sandoval is not that person. I read the interview. Commenters mentioned an interview that Ariana had given where she said part of the reason she comes off as aloof is because she doesn't like to talk about the stuff the others do. She likes to talk about Black Lives Matter and issues. Which is all well and good, but Vanderpump Rules is not on CNN nor is it a segment on Face the Nation. No one watches this show to hear their opinions on the issues of the day. The problem that Sandoval and Ariana have is that they are probably smarter and more thoughtful than their friends, but that doesn't mean Ariana and Sandoval are smart, deep, or thoughtful compared to regular people.

My friends and I talk about all manner of things, from this stupid show to politics and world affairs. But guess what? No one pays me talk about shit on TV. These two are not fucking smart. A smart person would at least mention something that a regular person might have some knowledge and opinions about, like global warming, voting, transportation policy. These two are smug pretentious dummies.

[Jennifersdc]

Ha! Yes!

I have a good friend like that too. He's a college history professor and loves to talk about science/biology (not my thing). He once treated me (not really - but he's really funny) to a 45+ minute dissertation on the wonders of mitochondria and how Scientific American is the greatest magazine ever published (he was also stoned at the time). In total agreement however Tom Sandoval is not that person and we don't watch VPR for intellectual stimulation so him and Ms. Puss should either get over it or get off the show. My aforementioned friend wrote a chapter for The Cambridge History of South Africa. I shouldn't be too harsh - I'm sure Tom can write an excellent instructional booklet on the use of flat irons.

I think I'll now refer to Mr. and Ms. Puss in future posts as Mr. and Ms. Smug Pretentious Dummies. Thanks!

[NetflixandChill]

But Tom Sandoval is not that person. I read the interview. Commenters mentioned an interview that Ariana had given where she said part of the reason she comes off as aloof is because she doesn't like to talk about the stuff the others do. She likes to talk about Black Lives Matter and issues. Which is all well and good, but Vanderpump Rules is not on CNN nor is it a segment on Face the Nation. No one watches this show to hear their opinions on the issues of the day. The problem that Sandoval and Ariana have is that they are probably smarter and more thoughtful than their friends, but that doesn't mean Ariana and Sandoval are smart, deep, or thoughtful compared to regular people.

 

 

See, I don't think that Sandoval and Ariana are smarter or more thoughtful than their friends, just cause I feel like people who actually talk about those things and seek to talk about those things don't spend time telling people that's what they want to talk about, they just do it. I thoroughly enjoy talking about politics and such, but I don't tell people that. I just talk about it. I think Sandoval and Ariana want to think they're above their friends and super smart, but they're not. I feel like my eyes would probably end up stuck in the back of my head if I had to discuss politics with Ariana. I imagine they sit around in their apartment and talk about how meaningless the lives of their friends are, and how they totally just want a group of friends they can talk real things with. I bet most of their time is spent talking about wanting to talk about deep stuff rather than actually talking about it.

[WhosThatGirl]

See, I don't think that Sandoval and Ariana are smarter or more thoughtful than their friends, just cause I feel like people who actually talk about those things and seek to talk about those things don't spend time telling people that's what they want to talk about, they just do it. I thoroughly enjoy talking about politics and such, but I don't tell people that. I just talk about it. I think Sandoval and Ariana want to think they're above their friends and super smart, but they're not. I feel like my eyes would probably end up stuck in the back of my head if I had to discuss politics with Ariana. I imagine they sit around in their apartment and talk about how meaningless the lives of their friends are, and how they totally just want a group of friends they can talk real things with. I bet most of their time is spent talking about wanting to talk about deep stuff rather than actually talking about it.

This. It's how I feel about the term "Nice" when someone is describing themselves. 

 

Seriously, I can't get over Schwartz somehow being the best thing about this show. I totally stand by Stassi in that BTS from a few weeks ago when she said instead of Schena on the show, they wanted Schwartz to be a main cast member and how Stassi said, "FRIENDS worked because of Chandler, not a Schena" and Stassi is totally right, Schwartz is Chandler! 

[Jextella]

Right? And I love Schwartz, like to the moon and back he's kind of the best thing on this show at times, but, Katie is kind..of right. It is a pipe dream. He doesn't do many modeling gigs as of late, which is why he tried to get in on Pandora's Sangria thing or whatever. He obviously knows at this point that modeling won't be bread winner for good at this point. He keeps looking for backups. 

 

Tom isn't that bright. He probably got defensive because he also wants to be a model. He also probably doesn't want Arainia to start calling it a pipe dream to him later on. 

Schwartz is the best thing on the show from time to time, isn't he!  Although I disagree about the pipe-dream stuff.  Maybe now that he's been on reality TV his acting/modelling career is toast, but before, no.  Perseverance in that biz is key - with many success stories that say as much. And, becoming uber-rich and famous is one thing and making a career out of it is another.  Landing enough work for the latter seems within the realm of possibility.

[metalchik]

Tom in a video

http://www.bravotv.com/the-daily-dish/tom-sandoval-i-do-coke-music-video-nsfw

 

He was also in 2 Bon Jovi videos....Misunderstood and All About Lovin You....