Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[Annber03]

Adding to the thread here - my dad passed away thirteen years ago, and my mom has never once shown any interest in dating anyone else. She will occasionally comment on how she misses being able to go out with my dad to fun concerts and stuff, 'cause it was something enjoyable they got to do together and all that, but otherwise, yeah, she seems pretty content on her own. 

And she and my dad had known each other since middle school, been a couple since high school, and got married just shortly after graduating high school. So indeed, I think that definitely explains a lot about why she's not in any rush to date or marry again. 

[Lisa418722]

My dad passed away almost 12 years ago and my mom has never even thought about dating.  The only thing is she will judge women who do remarry because apparently, they didn't really love their husbands (her words, not mine).  I know she made a comment one day about one of the widows at the church she went to, "she must have really her husband because she never remarried."  I told her maybe the woman was so miserable in her marriage she didn't want to remarry.  
Her best friend died in January and I'm wondering how long it will be before her 90-year-old husband will remarry. I don't think he will be alone very long.  

Edited June 3, 2023 by Lisa418722

[isalicat]

I was married for 41-1/2 years and my husband died 3-1/2 years ago. As far as I'm concerned, I'm still married but my husband just went ahead of me to heaven! I can't imagine dating or considering living with another man and I'm not that old (just turned 67). I've learned to do a lot of household stuff my husband used to take care of and that has been kinda fun, actually, and I'm never lonely although I do miss him. I have lots of dear friends of various ages and if I want to go do something with someone else, I just pick up the phone or email.

Frankly, all your dating "experiences" on this thread tend to reinforce my choices 😸

[Lantern7]

Not much going on with me. Occasionally, I get a response to my OKC profile, but it's not much to talk about. Oh, and I keep getting e-mail from women in my area. I don't know how those are avoiding my Junk folder.

[aradia22]

Quote

So I quit dating apps for good.

So that's two of us down then. Who's going to keep this thread alive?

Quote

Trying to avoid someone prettier than you or what you consider out of your league is another mistake imo. Dating someone considered not the most attractive or not a catch is no guarantee they won’t cheat or they’ll treat you like you’re anything special.

That's something I learned. Trying to talk myself into a guy I wasn't into it physically was no guarantee of finding someone who would treat me any better. 

[oliviabenson]

I know a gal who got scammed out of $ by a OKC guy.

She claims she is done with apps too.

 

[Lisa418722]

I've given up on apps as well.   Every now and then I think maybe it's time to go back on - and then I read this thread and realize it's just not worth it LOL.  

[oliviabenson]

15 minutes ago, Lisa418722 said:

I've given up on apps as well.   Every now and then I think maybe it's time to go back on - and then I read this thread and realize it's just not worth it LOL.  

Yeah not worth it. It’s sad how badly women get treated by men on the apps. 

[aradia22]

I've discovered that there are guys who are attracted to at least aspects of me. They are either 

1) In my age range but they live in another state

2) Significantly older than me

3) Guys I am not physically attracted to, or at least wouldn't be from a profile photo (like, if we worked together, I'd probably talk myself into it over time with some of them)

4) Carrying some baggage (divorced, complicated parents/family...doesn't want kids, weird kinks, etc.) 

Have I learned anything? Maybe to have more confidence and that some of the things I feel badly about (e.g. my mental health) are not dealbreakers for everyone. That when I was online dating, I probably missed some guys because I didn't want to set my age range lower (I was recently talking to a guy 4 years younger than me). That maybe I should live in a different state with less of a gender imbalance and fewer women who could be Instagram models. And that there are guys who like the body I'm so self-critical about. Someday I will date again. And I still think of myself as very monogamous. But my chatting experience has made me think maybe I need to be more polyamorous simply because it's so difficult to find a guy who will commit to you fully and be there for you all the times you actually need him. I'm encouraged that there are some sweet, smart guys out there who like talking to me and find me attractive, but it hasn't renewed any of my hope as I'm getting older and less "desirable" that I'll be able to find someone who checks even all the basic boxes (again, unless I move to another place).

[Lantern7]

I think it's different for guys, but I also feel like I'm running out of time. It's a dumb thought because I'm relatively healthy, but there's so much I haven't done. And every now and then, I like other profiles . . . which feels like tossing messages in bottles. And when I do write something and I don't get an answer, I get easily discouraged. It's not like I'm writing essays in my replies. I just feel that OKC is my best shot because I don't know how to meet people in "real life."

Did . . . did I share too much?

[oliviabenson]

Good question…

[realityplease]

19 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

Good question…

Why doesn't she approach any of the cute guys she sees "wherever she goes?"  There's no law that the guy has to approach her.  An approach is all it is.  She doesn't have to follow up if there's no spark or something is a turn off or they're not single. Just as she may approach & they're not interested.  But standing around waiting is a waste of time.   

It's not easy.  Especially for the shy types on either end.  But obviously, she's in the vicinity of "potentials" & they're not meeting.  So DO something.  Sidle over & strike up a convo - even if over something stupid, the time, the weather, whatever.  Get in their space.  It may go nowhere - or who knows - maybe that shy guy will have an interest where he was oblivious before --

[RealHousewife]

2 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

Good question…

Hmm, sounds like she's doing all the right things to meet single men. I have a very pretty friend who says men never hit on her. She is a little older than me. I think sometimes if you're past your 20s or maybe 30s, many folks think you're probably off the market, especially if you are attractive. But then if she's volunteering and playing sports with the same guys, surely they'd know she's single. 

It's definitely tougher for shy men and women. I am too shy to approach men myself, but shy guys tend to be better quality men in my experience. The men who have no qualms approaching women are not necessarily quality men you want to date. They tend to be players just trying to get laid. Because of my anxiety, I often push guys away. The forward, persistent types are the ones who've ever gotten anywhere with me. In the past I'd think, they must really like me, maybe I'll give them a chance even if I hate dating, don't trust men, etc. But they're often not worth the trouble even if it's less work initially, than the shy, quiet guy you may have to approach. I agree that if this lady isn't getting approached for whatever reason, maybe she can approach men herself. If she's particularly attractive, it's possible guys are also intimidated. A lot of people think they need to "stay in their lane." 

The culture has also changed. A lot of people think it's taboo to approach someone you don't know very well to ask for their number or out on a date. It's become less common the more apps become the way to meet. 

[Lantern7]

I think I need to get in on group stuff. Not even to look for a special someone. Right now, I do stuff on my own all the time. I should get used to being near a small group of people . . . and if anything happens from there, so be it.

I don’t know what it would take for me to “approach” a woman in “real life.” It’s not just a matter of neuroses. I can’t think of a place where that wouldn’t be taboo. I’d say “awkward,” but everywhere is that for me.

[HerkyJerky]

I know, I’m not gonna get any sympathy here, but guys don’t have it that easy either. We’re either too shy, too pushy, not good looking enough, not rich enough, and when we’re trying to be respectful and not pushy, that just puts us in the Friendzone. As a matter of fact, there was an episode on scrubs Where you have to pick the exact moment because if you don’t, then you get friend zoned! Lol! 

[HerkyJerky]

I found the clip:

 

[RealHousewife]

9 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

I think I need to get in on group stuff. Not even to look for a special someone. Right now, I do stuff on my own all the time. I should get used to being near a small group of people . . . and if anything happens from there, so be it.

I'm a big advocate of having at least one group activity a week. I'm shy and have anxiety. Sometimes I have to force myself to go, but I usually feel better once I arrive and get to dancing or whatever it is. Even if you don't have dating luck, it's nice to be part of a community and make friends. 

9 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

I don’t know what it would take for me to “approach” a woman in “real life.” It’s not just a matter of neuroses. I can’t think of a place where that wouldn’t be taboo. I’d say “awkward,” but everywhere is that for me.

 

4 minutes ago, HerkyJerky said:

I know, I’m not gonna get any sympathy here, but guys don’t have it that easy either. We’re either too shy, too pushy, not good looking enough, not rich enough, and when we’re trying to be respectful and not pushy, that just puts us in the Friendzone. As a matter of fact, there was an episode on scrubs Where you have to pick the exact moment because if you don’t, then you get friend zoned! Lol! 

I vent on here as a woman, but I hear both of you. I don't know if I'd do any better dating as a man. I think the average woman is nice and mostly just concerned about safety when a stranger asks her out. But I know there are some who could be rude and make a harmless guy out to be a creeper. I get that it can be a lot of pressure to lead, which a lot of women still expect. 

An old friend of mine was married to the nicest man. The most kind, respectful, loving husband. She ended up basically cheating on him and leaving him. She even said he was TOO nice. I know there are some really good guys who have had bad luck.

Regarding shyness/pushy, I know it can be a fine line, and mileage varies on what's too shy and too pushy. If a man barely looks at me or speaks to me, it surprises me if he asks me out. I wonder if he is genuinely interested or just asking me out just to ask me out. I'm the type where the more someone likes me, the more I like them, so long as it feels genuine. As for being too pushy, it's entirely possible a woman may turn you down once due to being busy. Let's say she's busy this Friday. Does she suggest Saturday or next weekend? If not, she wants to be left alone. I've had guys who blow up my phone, and it's the worst. 

I mostly just trust women and gay men as far as longterm friendship goes. But I love the idea of being friends before anything romantic. You can gradually build attraction that isn't based solely off looks. You can get to know each other without the pressure of dating. 

I've friend zoned guys for different reasons. As far as friendship goes, I really just need you to be a decent person I can have fun with. If I hear you talk a lot about other women, I'll assume you see me as one of the guys. If I find out later on you don't, at best I'm just another piece of meat to you. 

I've also friend zoned men I wasn't physically attracted to, but that doesn't mean you have to be some pretty boy to be attractive to me. (I'm actually not even always into Tom Cruise types.) There have been men who thought they weren't good-looking enough for me, but I was physically attracted to them. I just thought aspects of their personalities sucked.

[theredhead77]

The "friend zone" isn't some bucket women place men who aren't "aggressive" enough (or what reason they tell themselves). The "friend zone" is a place men put themselves when they realize a woman they feel entitled to date because they're doing all sorts of things to curry favor, or make her feel some way, isn't interested in dating them. 

One of my bestest friends is a dude. When we met he was hooking up with anything that moved. Never once did he put moves on me. Never once did I ever wonder if the drink he bought me when we went to the bar to watch a sportsball game was to make me feel obligated to sleep with him. Never once did I worry that an invitation to his home to chill had an ulterior motive. Never once did I worry about my safety around him when I drank too much. We could sleep in the same bed and I would not have any level of concern he'd try something.

Because he is interested in me as a person, as a friend. I wasn't a conquest, or someone who could be won over, or manipulated, or someone who owed him because he is a "nice guy" (don't get me started on self proclaimed "nice guys").

I'm grateful he is not a dude who put women who didn't want to date him or hook up with him into the "friend zone" because we wouldn't be friends. I have an amazing friend who I consider family. We'll be friends until the end.

Edited June 8, 2023 by theredhead77

[partofme]

I would like to like @theredhead77's post a thousand times.  I don't think the friendzone is a real thing.  You're either friends with someone or you're not.   

[theredhead77]

I tried to add this to my post last night but I was so late I guess I never submitted it.

I also want to call out that the women he was chasing to hook up with? Also not a conquest or someone to manipulate. They wanted different things? He lost interest, they lost interest? People parted ways as you do in life. Never once have I heard "man, TRH, I spent so much money and time on so-and-so because I knew I could win her over to date (or sleep with) but she just friend zoned me. I'm such a "nice guy", I do all these things for them,  why won't women date me? I'm tired of being "friend zoned" after all that effort ". 

[stewedsquash]

15 hours ago, HerkyJerky said:

I know, I’m not gonna get any sympathy here, but guys don’t have it that easy either. We’re either too shy, too pushy, not good looking enough, not rich enough, and when we’re trying to be respectful and not pushy, that just puts us in the Friendzone. As a matter of fact, there was an episode on scrubs Where you have to pick the exact moment because if you don’t, then you get friend zoned! Lol! 

I understand exactly what you are conveying. People are apparently triggered by the word pushy along with any word used to describe moving forward or letting it go. Dating is give and take and there are jerks on both sides who push boundaries. I don’t think you meant pushing the boundaries and that your overall point, that women don’t have a monopoly on hurt in the dating world is a valid one. 

[JTMacc99]

Being friends with somebody is NOT the same thing as somebody who is stringing along a friend for whom they feel no romantic spark. 

They know damn well that friend has feelings for them. Maybe they keep them around to feed their ego, to avoid hurting the other person's feelings by telling them the truth about their own feelings, or maybe just to avoid being alone.

It's not cool to do that to a "friend", and it deserves its own term. (I'm surprised the Germans don't have a word for it. They're usually pretty reliable with this kind of stuff. Did you know that the Germans started using the word ohrwurm, or earwig, to refer to a tune that gets stuck in your head in the 1950s. Then in the 80s we though that was perfect and started using the English word earworm for the same thing.  But I digress...)

Just because people don't use the term correctly, specifically those who use it to cast blame on somebody for not being attracted to them, doesn't make it not a real thing.

If you don't feel the spark, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you start talking to somebody you met on an app, and maybe have a date or two, there is nothing wrong with taking a little time to see if you have chemistry. 

But if you get past a couple dates and you're sure that you don't feel a spark, DON'T keep the other person on the back burner while you look for something better. Just freaking tell them. 

[theredhead77]

11 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

Being friends with somebody is NOT the same thing as somebody who is stringing along a friend for whom they feel no romantic spark. 

They know damn well that friend has feelings for them. Maybe they keep them around to feed their ego, to avoid hurting the other person's feelings by telling them the truth about their own feelings, or maybe just to avoid being alone.

It's not cool to do that to a "friend", and it deserves its own term. (I'm surprised the Germans don't have a word for it. They're usually pretty reliable with this kind of stuff. Did you know that the Germans started using the word ohrwurm, or earwig, to refer to a tune that gets stuck in your head in the 1950s. Then in the 80s we though that was perfect and started using the English word earworm for the same thing.  But I digress...)

Just because people don't use the term correctly, specifically those who use it to cast blame on somebody for not being attracted to them, doesn't make it not a real thing.

If you don't feel the spark, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you start talking to somebody you met on an app, and maybe have a date or two, there is nothing wrong with taking a little time to see if you have chemistry. 

But if you get past a couple dates and you're sure that you don't feel a spark, DON'T keep the other person on the back burner while you look for something better. Just freaking tell them. 

This, too, 100 (times a million). 

When said person tells the other they aren't interested, the 'interested party' needs to accept that, and not take that as an invitation or sign to try harder to win them over. They can choose to remain friends (and just friends with no ulterior hopes or motives) or walk away with a clean break. 

[stewedsquash]

Yet that was not the point of @HerkyJerky’s friend zone comment.  It’s not about stalking or stringing someone along. Dating seems to have three outcomes, moving forward romantically, deciding nope don’t even want to see you again, and then I like you enough to become friends and not romantically. Herky is right in that men have sidelined to friend zone thoughts just like women have sidelined to friend zone thoughts. He is correct that each date is a compilation of how much is not enough ratio to too much when pursuing moving forward. Men have to figure out does she like me romantically after all these fun times or am I her new friend. Women have the same issue. 

I guess I didn’t take Herky’s post adversarially but as men and women are more alike than not.

Edited June 8, 2023 by stewedsquash
Formatting

[partofme]

2 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

Being friends with somebody is NOT the same thing as somebody who is stringing along a friend for whom they feel no romantic spark. 

They know damn well that friend has feelings for them

I know this is a dating thread, so I agree that stringing someone along who you are dating and not at all interested in is wrong.

But you can be friends with someone whom you are not dating and know they have feelings for you, but that's not really stringing someone along if you believe you are genuinely friends.  If the guy/girl is just friends with the other person hoping it will lead to something more, then that's on them and not their friend.

[HerkyJerky]

16 minutes ago, partofme said:

But you can be friends with someone whom you are not dating and know they have feelings for you, but that's not really stringing someone along if you believe you are genuinely friends.  If the guy/girl is just friends with the other person hoping it will lead to something more, then that's on them and not their friend.

Most of my friends are women because, frankly, women are just more interesting than men (sorry, guys…) and I would never risk the friendship by making a “move” on any of them. But occasionally I must admit I wonder if some of them feel the same way. Also, when there is a new woman that I’m interested in if she thinks to herself, “Oh, HJ, just wants to be friends because he has so other many female friends”.🤷

[RealHousewife]

7 minutes ago, HerkyJerky said:

Most of my friends are women because, frankly, women are just more interesting than men (sorry, guys…) and I would never risk the friendship by making a “move” on any of them. But occasionally I must admit I wonder if some of them feel the same way. Also, when there is a new woman that I’m interested in if she thinks to herself, “Oh, HJ, just wants to be friends because he has so other many female friends”.🤷

You sound like a good dude. Why can’t I make friends like you and theredhead’s guy friend? Friends are so important, and I like to remain open to friends of different genders, ages, etc. But I’ve never had luck with anything beyond acquaintance/casual friend/work friend with a straight man. 

My only CLOSE guy friends consist of a couple gay men and the one straight guy is truly like a brother to me. Our parents are best friends, and we go back since we were literally babies.

Every other guy friend I’ve made as an adult has either made it clear they don’t care about my friendship if no sex is happening, or they want to be my friend but lack boundaries. For example, a guy who was becoming a dear friend recently made a lot of comments about my body. I’ve been open with him about body image issues when he spoke about his, so a part of me wonders if that’s why he said some of the stuff he did, just trying to make me feel better. But now I wonder if he even likes me or he just really likes my ass.

 

[oliviabenson]

10 minutes ago, RealHousewife said:

You sound like a good dude. Why can’t I make friends like you and theredhead’s guy friend? Friends are so important, and I like to remain open to friends of different genders, ages, etc. But I’ve never had luck with anything beyond acquaintance/casual friend/work friend with a straight man. 

My only CLOSE guy friends consist of a couple gay men and the one straight guy is truly like a brother to me. Our parents are best friends, and we go back since we were literally babies.

Every other guy friend I’ve made as an adult has either made it clear they don’t care about my friendship if no sex is happening, or they want to be my friend but lack boundaries. For example, a guy who was becoming a dear friend recently made a lot of comments about my body. I’ve been open with him about body image issues when he spoke about his, so a part of me wonders if that’s why he said some of the stuff he did, just trying to make me feel better. But now I wonder if he even likes me or he just really likes my ass.

 

I have no luck in making male friends either.

Sigh. 

[Lantern7]

On 6/8/2023 at 6:17 PM, oliviabenson said:

I have no luck in making male friends either.

Sigh. 

I feel more at ease around women than men. I had a lot of female friends growing up and in school. Maybe they thought of me as "safe." I don't know.

I went to Meetup, and that was a bit of a bust. Next plan: political activism. The main stumbling block is that I don't want to phone bank or knock on doors, and that's, like, ninety percent of volunteering.

[ebk57]

3 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

Next plan: political activism. The main stumbling block is that I don't want to phone bank or knock on doors, and that's, like, ninety percent of volunteering.

Do they have local clubs where you live?  I joined the local Dem Club here and since it wasn't directly associated with a candidate, it was much more social.  We hosted events for the local candidates and had meetings to discuss issues and more stuff like that.  No phone banking or door knocking, unless you wanted to. There are also "Young Dem" clubs around here, if you're young.  I'm not, but they did show up at a bunch of our events. 

Good luck. 

[oliviabenson]

Meet up was eh. Everyone wants to go to a restaurant or something so it adds up ($). Book clubs also adds up ($).

[theredhead77]

Book club is a good idea. My local library hosts a free one unless you want to buy the book. 

There are social sports, volunteering, board game nights at a local game store, pub trivia...

[supposebly]

My Meetup groups are all about walking, biking, sometimes going out. I volunteer with one of the local cat rescues. 

What I can say is that, if the main reason you're hanging out with a group is to find someone, people will notice. And to be honest, I would find it quite awful, especially when it's about volunteering for a good cause if the moment you decide you won't find someone in a particular group, you ditch it. Or even if you do and then ditch it.

That certainly won't make you any friends.

Find something you like first. Make friends. Things might come from that. Or not.

I can't give any dating advice since I gave up on that a while ago but all we do in one of my groups is make fun of the people who use a meetup group that is especially NOT for dating as a meat market.

[Carolinagirl702]

Dang why didn't I find this forum a few years ago haha because I had some stories.

My experience with online dating over the years has been drier than the Sahara with the occasional views of an oasis LoL.

I personally feel my location is a hindrance to me being even asked out on a simple date. 

Im gonna go back and read through from the beginning of this thread and see what everyone has to say.

[RealHousewife]

28 minutes ago, Carolinagirl702 said:

Dang why didn't I find this forum a few years ago haha because I had some stories.

My experience with online dating over the years has been drier than the Sahara with the occasional views of an oasis LoL.

I personally feel my location is a hindrance to me being even asked out on a simple date. 

Im gonna go back and read through from the beginning of this thread and see what everyone has to say.

Oh you can still share your stories! lol I live vicariously through all of you.

What's wrong with your location? Are you out in the middle of nowhere? If so,  could you just spend extra time messaging/talking on the phone before dating? I think that's a great way to go, even when you're in close proximity. 

Haha, enjoy. I should probably do the same. Dating gives me anxiety, but I love hearing about everyone's stories. I don't entirely know why. I guess a part of me wishes I dated more because I think it SHOULD be fun. Meeting someone new, being asked out, all of it should be a fun stage of life, even if you wished you were married with kids by now. 

[Carolinagirl702]

12 minutes ago, RealHousewife said:

Oh you can still share your stories! lol I live vicariously through all of you.

What's wrong with your location? Are you out in the middle of nowhere? If so,  could you just spend extra time messaging/talking on the phone before dating? I think that's a great way to go, even when you're in close proximity. 

Haha, enjoy. I should probably do the same. Dating gives me anxiety, but I love hearing about everyone's stories. I don't entirely know why. I guess a part of me wishes I dated more because I think it SHOULD be fun. Meeting someone new, being asked out, all of it should be a fun stage of life, even if you wished you were married with kids by now. 

I live in a rural area, have lived here since age 12 so I honestly don't have a storied dating history.

it's predominantly white area as well and as a black woman who is open to dating men of all races it's been hard to find someone who doesn't view me as a fetish or this "black woman Jezebel" who's just CRAVING sex 24/7 🙄🤦🏾‍♀️

Also I am introverted so online has been my go to but goodness me getting through all the muck is exhausting.

That's how I feel that dating should be fun and easy going.

[oliviabenson]

Any updates?

Im reading dating disaster stories on Reddit. Lol. 

[Lantern7]

I got a few responses. One of them is a smoker, though. I’m not being high-and-mighty in not wanting to date a smoker, right?

[Browncoat]

8 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

I got a few responses. One of them is a smoker, though. I’m not being high-and-mighty in not wanting to date a smoker, right?

Nope.  Smoking is a deal-breaker for me, too.

[Quof]

I went on a blind date years ago. We were having a lovely time, when, a few hours in he lit up a cigarette.  (I can't believe I didn't smell "smoker" on him from the minute we met, I'm usually a blood hound.)  I continued the date for a polite amount of time, then went home and called my friend who set up the date. "What the Hell?"   She had never met him and didn't know he was a smoker; her sister worked with his sister, and the three of them just decided "These are 2 single people. They should meet."

[oliviabenson]

4 hours ago, Browncoat said:

Nope.  Smoking is a deal-breaker for me, too.

Me too. Cigarette smoke/weed smell turns my stomach.

[Lisa418722]

4 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

I got a few responses. One of them is a smoker, though. I’m not being high-and-mighty in not wanting to date a smoker, right?

Nope.  At least he let you know upfront. That is a deal breaker for me too.  Protecting your health from 2nd hand smoke is not being "high-and-mighty."  

 

[RealHousewife]

Smoking is my second dealbreaker after just not being a good person.

[oliviabenson]

I’m so happy since I quit the apps. What a waste of my time and effort. If I meet someone IRL great if not also great. 
 

 

Edited June 22, 2023 by oliviabenson

[Scarlett45]

On 5/28/2023 at 11:15 PM, RealHousewife said:

lol someone else mentioned nurse with a purse on here before, not sure it was you. Do way older men typically think much younger women are the ones with money? I had never heard that anywhere else. Older women are typically going to have more. I might inherit money someday from my grandparents, but still don't know if I will be prime sugar mama. 

I’m going to speak in BRIGHT RED STEREOTYPES NOW:

Older women have other financial commitments (kids, grandkids) and better BS detectors, so if a guy really wants a “nurse with a purse” and he is 70+, he likely isn’t going after another 70+ person. He also knows a 25yrs old won’t have money either, these men tend to go for the women 40-55 who’s resources aren’t tied up with little kids or supporting parents of their own. 
 

Additionally, in the perspective of these men, while women do live longer and tend to stay healthy for longer, if people are the same age it’s highly unlikely they are going to stay healthy enough to take care of YOU, without you having put in decades of financial/emotional support and childrearing by where you have earned the caregiving from the woman who may not be in the best health herself. 
 

Men 70+ who have their ish together and have their health, have so much female attention they don’t know what to do, because so many women their age are single (men die first). My grandfather was 89 when he died and agoraphobic for almost 20yrs before that, but was sweet talking women on the phone and I had to go with the housekeeper around the southside of chicago to pick up baked goods from these gorgeous widows. He had outlived his wife (who died before l was born) and his long term girlfriend I remember from when I was little. 
 

On 5/31/2023 at 8:58 AM, JTMacc99 said:

Depending on how long you are on your own after divorce in your 40s and 50s, the idea of having somebody sharing your space and your stuff 24/7 can start to lose it's appeal.

I mean, it's still very appealing to have a partner to share time and love with, but so is sleeping in a nice quiet bed and waking up to a nice quiet house with nobody in the bathroom or in your way in the kitchen or leaving a coffee mug in the sink or putting your bowling trophy in the attic.

I have a theory that people enjoy living together for the wealth building and child rearing purposes but once that’s accomplished, many couples may enjoy each other but appreciate their time a part. 

[RealHousewife]

21 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

I’m going to speak in BRIGHT RED STEREOTYPES NOW:

Older women have other financial commitments (kids, grandkids) and better BS detectors, so if a guy really wants a “nurse with a purse” and he is 70+, he likely isn’t going after another 70+ person. He also knows a 25yrs old won’t have money either, these men tend to go for the women 40-55 who’s resources aren’t tied up with little kids or supporting parents of their own. 
 

Additionally, in the perspective of these men, while women do live longer and tend to stay healthy for longer, if people are the same age it’s highly unlikely they are going to stay healthy enough to take care of YOU, without you having put in decades of financial/emotional support and childrearing by where you have earned the caregiving from the woman who may not be in the best health herself. 
 

Men 70+ who have their ish together and have their health, have so much female attention they don’t know what to do, because so many women their age are single (men die first). My grandfather was 89 when he died and agoraphobic for almost 20yrs before that, but was sweet talking women on the phone and I had to go with the housekeeper around the southside of chicago to pick up baked goods from these gorgeous widows. He had outlived his wife (who died before l was born) and his long term girlfriend I remember from when I was little. 
 

I have a theory that people enjoy living together for the wealth building and child rearing purposes but once that’s accomplished, many couples may enjoy each other but appreciate their time a part. 

Hmm, interesting. Well I'm still in my 30s and without sounding too arrogant, not exactly an unfortunate looking person. As many old dudes like me, I still get attention from men around my own age and sometimes younger. It would make no sense for me to be younger, better looking AND be the one with $. All relationships are transactional. Each person has to bring something. 

The main things I look for are kindness and respect. I don't know why some of us have a trickier time finding that.  

I still think good guys exist. Sadly, I've pushed some away. Does anyone here know about the attachment styles? I think my biggest thing is I am both avoidant and anxious, not a good combo. But then I wonder if it's my anxiety that makes me avoidant. 

[theredhead77]

58 minutes ago, RealHousewife said:

Does anyone here know about the attachment styles? I think my biggest thing is I am both avoidant and anxious, not a good combo. But then I wonder if it's my anxiety that makes me avoidant

A good therapist can help you work through your issue and learn how to navigate anxiety and other social (or mental) issues, form healthy coping skills, etc...

[Scarlett45]

1 hour ago, RealHousewife said:

Hmm, interesting. Well I'm still in my 30s and without sounding too arrogant, not exactly an unfortunate looking person. As many old dudes like me, I still get attention from men around my own age and sometimes younger. It would make no sense for me to be younger, better looking AND be the one with $. All relationships are transactional. Each person has to bring something. 

The main things I look for are kindness and respect. I don't know why some of us have a trickier time finding that.  

I still think good guys exist. Sadly, I've pushed some away. Does anyone here know about the attachment styles? I think my biggest thing is I am both avoidant and anxious, not a good combo. But then I wonder if it's my anxiety that makes me avoidant. 

Oh of course good guys exist! We are about the same age and older men are always smiling at me, a dude my Mom’s age (75) asked me to marry him yesterday at Target😂. He was adorable, but no. Hehe. Yes it would make no sense for you to be into such a man but it makes a lot of sense for them, so they feel they have to try. 😘

[Scarlett45]

So I’m back in the dating game for the first time in a minute. I’ve had success on Tinder, Bumble and Match. It’s not that I don’t meet any decent guys, just no one I’m super into. Stats on me, 37, childfree black heterosexual woman in Chicago IL. My last jaunt was with a guy I met in a local park- he was CUTE, but so immature and lazy as hell. It lasted a few dates and I got the “what’s up?” Text ummmhmmm.

I was hanging out with my cousin (55yrs old) earlier this month, and she has a new long distance boyfriend; one of her son’s (age 34) friends married an older guy and this is his friend. She’s enjoying herself, his kids are grown, he flies her out to see him and his parents are deceased.
 

She says because I’m childfree maybe I should go older (like up to 50) and I could avoid the guys that still have little kids, and also hone in on other childfree guys. For the record I’m not against dating someone with children, TEENAGE children are fine (or older), not one too young to be left unsupervised. I am not looking to get married or share bills, but consistent partnered sex and a travel companion would be nice. All of my friends now are either married or have a child (or both) besides 2, one in Taiwan and the other on the opposite side of the city. 
 

I went through a lot of grief during the pandemic, I finally have found a weekend caregiver for my sister, and so now I’m ready to get back to focusing on ME, ME!

[RealHousewife]

5 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

Oh of course good guys exist! We are about the same age and older men are always smiling at me, a dude my Mom’s age (75) asked me to marry him yesterday at Target😂. He was adorable, but no. Hehe. Yes it would make no sense for you to be into such a man but it makes a lot of sense for them, so they feel they have to try. 😘

 Men are funny!

59 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

So I’m back in the dating game for the first time in a minute. I’ve had success on Tinder, Bumble and Match. It’s not that I don’t meet any decent guys, just no one I’m super into. Stats on me, 37, childfree black heterosexual woman in Chicago IL. My last jaunt was with a guy I met in a local park- he was CUTE, but so immature and lazy as hell. It lasted a few dates and I got the “what’s up?” Text ummmhmmm.

I was hanging out with my cousin (55yrs old) earlier this month, and she has a new long distance boyfriend; one of her son’s (age 34) friends married an older guy and this is his friend. She’s enjoying herself, his kids are grown, he flies her out to see him and his parents are deceased.
 

She says because I’m child free maybe I should go older (like up to 50) and I could avoid the guys that still have little kids, and also hone in on other childfree guys. For the record I’m not against dating someone with children, TEENAGE children are fine (or older), not one too young to be left unsupervised. I am not looking to get married or share bills, but consistent partnered sex and a travel companion would be nice. All of my friends now are either married or have a child (or both) besides 2, one in Taiwan and the other on the opposite side of the city. 
 

I went through a lot of grief during the pandemic, I finally have found a weekend caregiver for my sister, and so now I’m ready to get back to focusing on ME, ME!

True. The reason I know good guys exist is not just because I've pushed some away, but some I just weren't hard to resist because of my lack of attraction.

Yeah I don't care how cute a guy is. Immature and lazy are not going to fly with me. 

I'm sorry about all you went through Scarlett. I hope your me time goes well! You deserve it. 

I've said this before, so apologies to all the regulars here who may remember. But at our age, even though in some ways dating older isn't as big of a deal (our brains have been fully formed for many years), it can be more complicated dating older. I haven't ruled out having kids, but I'm not really pushing it hard either. I'd rather have a calm life than rush into something or have kids with someone I can't stand just because of my age. But if I don't have kids, that means I want a man around my age that much more so I have someone to grow old with. Women already outlive men by around five years. Make a man around 15 years or so older than you, and more than likely you'll be a young widow. 

Some women may not mind this, but I've already spent so many years alone and have such a small family. I want people to love, and making friends past college is also easier said than done.