Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[backformore]

9 hours ago, rcc said:

People without siblings sometimes complain that they grew up lonely and wished they had a sister or brother to play with. With the favoritism by mother and entitled and selfish sisters I have I wish I had grown up an only child.

The old saying, "You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends" is so true.

Yes, I grew up in a large family, and always wished that I could have more attention.  It would have been nice to have a memory of mom or dad reading me a book, or playing a game with me, teaching me something,  or just hanging out.   Just some time alone with a parent, without being criticized or told to be different. 

[DeLurker]

10 hours ago, AgentRXS said:

Re: siblings. My sister and I are only 2 years apart in age. She was my parent's (and their friends) favorite and I am my grandmother's favorite. We fought like hell as kids. I didn't appreciate having a sister until we became adults. My brother is 9 years younger than me. The age gap between us meant that I never really had a close relationship with him. I was a self-absorbed teen who made little time for him as a kid. When he was a teen, I barely saw him because I was working and hanging out with my friends in my 20s.

With that big of a gap, seems like he would be more like an only child.  But still, using you all as references without asking is a dick move.  And if the lender did not verify the reference before making the loan, there's probably grounds for a legitimate complaint against whoever is calling.  Write a letter to the company (from all three of you) and say you want all their communications with you stopped immediately.  Find out who regulates the lender and say your next step will be to advise them if this is not addressed.  I would cc him on the letter.

I used to work for Florida's State Comptroller handling audits and complaints for any company that was not a bank that did any sort of consumer financing.  Telling the company it will be escalated gets their attention.

 

7 hours ago, backformore said:

Yes, I grew up in a large family, and always wished that I could have more attention.  It would have been nice to have a memory of mom or dad reading me a book, or playing a game with me, teaching me something,  or just hanging out.   Just some time alone with a parent, without being criticized or told to be different. 

Youngest of 5 here and there is a 7 year difference between me an my oldest brother.  Being the youngest, there was always a sibling there until they were old enough to be in school and I was young enough not to yet.  I remember being shocked the first time I saw a picture of just me and my Dad, because there was always another sibling.  I loved going to a friend's house who was an only child or just one sibling - it was so calm!  And they loved coming to my house because there was always something going on.

[backformore]

My dad is 90.  He lives alone since mom died.  his driver's license is coming up for renewal, and I'm HOPING he doesn't pass it.  

WHy?  Because if he can't drive, maybe we can talk him into moving into a very nice senior living facility where he can hang out with other old guys, watch sports, play cards, etc.   As long as he can drive (and I don't think he should be driving)  he insists on staying in his house.  He gets lonely, and we all visit him, but can't do it all the time since everyone works. 

[theredhead77]

On 10/28/2016 at 0:20 AM, backformore said:

My dad is 90.  He lives alone since mom died.  his driver's license is coming up for renewal, and I'm HOPING he doesn't pass it.  

WHy?  Because if he can't drive, maybe we can talk him into moving into a very nice senior living facility where he can hang out with other old guys, watch sports, play cards, etc.   As long as he can drive (and I don't think he should be driving)  he insists on staying in his house.  He gets lonely, and we all visit him, but can't do it all the time since everyone works. 

This is a seriously delayed response but I remember my parents taking my grandfathers license and it was rough. I hope the DMV has to be the bad guy and you can get him into a seniors facility. My grandfather lived in a couple, all had a component of independence (kitchenette in their apartment) and a dining room.

[JTMacc99]

As I was spreading cream cheese on a bagel for my daughter this morning, I remembered watching my dad put cream cheese on a bagel.  Two swipes, the entire bagel was covered and completely smooth.  

This is because before he went to college, he worked with my grandfather as a mason. My uncle Vic and my dad were the two older boys. Vic was a big strong kid, went to college on athletic scholarships (although he is also really smart), and he was usually the guy carting around all of the stones and bricks. My dad was the one who got to help set the bricks, and to actually work along side of my grandfather.  My dad built the fireplace in his home.

So when he spreads cream cheese on a bagel, it's like he's using a trowel and spreading cement on the back of a tile. And no matter how many times I watched him do it, I have no idea how he gets it to come out perfect like he does.  

Edited December 15, 2016 by JTMacc99

[JTMacc99]

My Facebook Memory from a few years ago:

I was visited by three ghosts last night...

The first, at 12:30 AM in the form of a cat who insisted that if I didn't fill his food bowl, I would get no sleep. The second, at 4:00 AM in the form a small blonde boy who needed help blowing his nose, or I would get no more sleep. The third, at 5:45 AM in the form of a plucky 3 year-old girl, who wanted to climb into my bed (and for me to go get her blankets and stuffed animal friends) or I would get no more sleep.

[auntlada]

7 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

My Facebook Memory from a few years ago:

I was visited by three ghosts last night...

The first, at 12:30 AM in the form of a cat who insisted that if I didn't fill his food bowl, I would get no sleep. The second, at 4:00 AM in the form a small blonde boy who needed help blowing his nose, or I would get no more sleep. The third, at 5:45 AM in the form of a plucky 3 year-old girl, who wanted to climb into my bed (and for me to go get her blankets and stuffed animal friends) or I would get no more sleep.

Except for the girl, that sounds like my house. I only have one child, though, and three cats. One cat yowls for food and playtime. The other two want attention and patting, although if one of those two sees the other one on the bed, there will be a fight -- and I will get no more sleep.

[Maharincess]

I have a cat feeder thing that holds a whole small bag of her cat food so my cat never wakes me up to eat. She gets her wet food and treats too but her dry food bowl is always filled. I've always fed my dogs the same way.   My cat does however wake me up by flopping herself on my stomach on cold nights. She can't lie down gently, she flings herself right across my stomach. It hurts in the middle of the night when you're sound asleep and not expecting it. 

Those Facebook memories kill me sometimes. My daughter once called me and told me to not read my FB memories that day. It was the night my Harley died. He was my first dog as an adult, he was born the same day my mom died, he was rejected from his litter and I got him at 4 weeks old. We love all of our animals but we always have one that was "the one" and that was my Harley, I know it's stupid but he was my soulmate dog. Reading it was like reliving that night and it sucked. I should have listened to my kid. 

Edited December 21, 2016 by Maharincess

[Jaded]

I'm so frustrated. Not sure who remembers when I talked about the family I invited back into my life after my Mom died. They are from my asshole father's side of the family. They aren't assholes just religious and assume everyone else is. 

For a few months when they first started visiting earlier this year they'd mention getting me a bible or reading the bible online to make myself feel better. Ugh. 

They hadn't mentioned it since at least the beginning of Summer or sometime a bit before. I thought I had escaped threats of purchasing one for me especially since they didn't get me one for my birthday last month. I was WRONG. They ordered 2 books for me from Amazon for Christmas. A Chicken Soup For The Soul cat book and a the f'ing Bible directed towards women  I linked to below. It's made me so pissed and even more grumpy/disgruntled then I already was. I'm not raging or anything but I had to put it back in the box and stick that box somewhere I won't see it all the time.

Everyday Matters Bible for Women-NLT: Practical Encouragement to Make Every Day Matter

The Uncle who's part of the family that's been visiting got diagnosed with head/neck cancer in Sept.and has been having radiation and chemo. I haven't really commented on the picture they post at every chemo treatment or anywhere. It's not that I don't care but it's hard to deal with that right now and not being real close to them I don't feel as guilty keeping a distance somewhat from it. The Aunt who's Uncle's wife is the primary user of the FB account they share. She sent a FB message to me Wednesday to see if I had gotten what they sent. I didn't reply right away so yesterday before sending me another PM to ask she also messaged me the latest pic of the Uncle at his latest chemo treatment without any text to go along with it. I made sure to reply at 3am yesterday morning so she wouldn't be up and just said thanks for the books. 

I want to say some stuff about my asshole father (who I haven't seen or spoken to in over 20yrs) and his 4th wife besides the fact that they both sent me FB messages well before my Mom had been gone 24hrs wanting me to reply to them. This post is already too long though. I just had to get this out somewhere.

It's just going to be my cat Captain and me which I am fine with. No muss, no fuss, no feeling awkward or uncomfortable.

Edited December 24, 2016 by Jaded

[DisneyBoy]

Hang in there this weekend everybody! If we all take a deep breath and focus on the positives we can get through this :)

Hey Jaded, I'm really sorry to hear that the Bible is being pushed on you but having read one or two of those Chicken Soup for the Soul books, I actually found them rather enjoyable. Remember that you don't have to interpret religion the same way they do for it to be common ground between you. I'm not saying you should be forced into reading the Bible by your relatives of course but if it's a big part of who they are and you want to have them in your life in some capacity you might be able to cherry pick what portions of their religion you can say nice things about and just focus on that.

I've never understood why anyone would push their religion on anybody else. I mean you wouldn't want all of your friends to be vegetarians or to like the same music you do. Spirituality is so personal and private, I wish we would all allow ourselves and our loved ones the freedom to come to our own conclusions about those kinds of things without recruiting people to join a team.

Edited December 24, 2016 by DisneyBoy

[backformore]

@Jaded I'm sorry your relatives are being like that. 

[Jaded]

On 12/24/2016 at 1:44 PM, backformore said:

@Jaded I'm sorry your relatives are being like that. 

Thank you.

I woke up to this message. I got it in a notification email so they don't know I've read it without viewing it on FB.

"I can tell you with sureness that if you would consider opening our gift of the bible and read the book of John, and just ponder on what Jesus did and said, you will find what I would love to give you. I pray that when I am well we can continue our visits. 

Love you. Uncle ******* "

[Blergh]

Today my mother remarked how it used to be there were five of us for Christmas but now there's just two of us celebrating. As sad as I was for my 80-something mother to have to ponder that, I didn't have the heart to bring up that it  will be even sadder   when I have only myself to celebrate the day. I just want HER to have as happy celebrations as she can for as long as she can.

Edited December 26, 2016 by Blergh
clarity

[JTMacc99]

Ugh @Blergh   Here I am, watching Seether's Rise Above This video, contiplating how fortunate I have been with my past and how scary my future is.  And you summed up what I was thinking. 

[Blergh]

I'm sorry about that, JTMac. Well, what we each need to keep in mind is that regardless of how gloomy things may seem, there is ALWAYS the possibility of a future being brighter than one may think at the time. MUCH easier said than done but not impossible to do.

[theredhead77]

23 hours ago, Jaded said:

Thank you.

I woke up to this message. I got it in a notification email so they don't know I've read it without viewing it on FB.

"I can tell you with sureness that if you would consider opening our gift of the bible and read the book of John, and just ponder on what Jesus did and said, you will find what I would love to give you. I pray that when I am well we can continue our visits. 

Love you. Uncle ******* "

Dear Uncle BibleThumper, I hope that when you are well you realize how inappropriate your emails are and how uncomfortable your emails and your gift make me. If you truly enjoy my visits for my company I ask you refrain from pushing your religion on me. I would love to continue our visits if we can discuss things other than religion. If you are unable or unwilling to do so, I'll view these visits as nothing more than a selfish act on your part to try to convert me and I wish you well. Peace, Jaded.

[BookWoman56]

On 12/25/2016 at 3:56 PM, Jaded said:

I woke up to this message. I got it in a notification email so they don't know I've read it without viewing it on FB.

"I can tell you with sureness that if you would consider opening our gift of the bible and read the book of John, and just ponder on what Jesus did and said, you will find what I would love to give you. I pray that when I am well we can continue our visits. 

Love you. Uncle ******* "

@Jaded, I went back and read your posts from when you had first invited these relatives back into your life. Purely from the point of view as an outsider to the situation, IMO these people seem intent on pushing their own agenda onto you with essentially no regard for who you are as a person. They bitched and moaned that you don't keep coffee on hand for the times when they visit, even though you don't drink it. Now they're badgering you into immediately acknowledging receipt of their religious propaganda masquerading as a gift, and trying to guilt you into reading it. Those are not the actions of people who actually care about you as a member of extended family; those are instead the actions of people who expect everyone to fit into their preconceived notions of how other people should live. I know you're still dealing with the loss of your mother and so you may want to maintain contact with these relatives. However, why were they out of your life to begin with? Are the reasons for them being excluded still valid? And finally, it's conventional wisdom that regarding romantic relationships, it's better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you as if your opinions and feelings are unimportant. For me, I'd extend that bit of advice to relationships with family: If certain family members consistently behave in a way that is condescending or disrespectful of you, then you might be better off minimizing contact or severing ties. As theredhead77 suggested, perhaps you should reply back to your uncle/other family in a way that makes it clear you appreciate the idea of a gift, but not the nature of the specific gift.

Dear Uncle Biblethumper and family: I appreciate that you thought of me during a time when you are dealing with a major illness in your family. However, as an adult, I have already made my decisions about religion, as you have made your own decisions. Simply put, I don't try to convince you to switch over to my belief system, and so I expect you not to try to convince me to adopt your belief system.  As long as we can have that mutual respect for each other, then we can have visits. If not, then the visits and further correspondence can only be counterproductive.   

[Jaded]

They sent this to me through FB last night after I fell asleep early (early for me anyway). Telling me listen to it because it's about depression. I can see why this guy's videos have the comment feature turned off on all of them. Their son my cousin deals with depression and etc too. I'm so offended by this video and would say so in the comments on YT if I could. I'm angry and hurt that they think this would be of any help. I watched the whole thing to see how far it would go and now I wish I hadn't. I've got to come up with a reply to them today to get this mess to stop or I'm going to loose my mind before the new year even starts.
 

Edited December 27, 2016 by Jaded

[DeLurker]

@Jaded - Ignoring whether any part of their messages is well intended, I don't think social media is the way to communicate sincere concern because maybe someone doesn't want to publicly announce their faith or mental health or whatever.  And do they really know you well enough to comment about the depth of your faith or mental health?

And I am not versed enough in the bible to point you in the right direction, but I am sure there are passages about tolerance that I would have to throw right back at Uncle Biblethumper.

A lot of people find great comfort in their faith, but there are a multitude of religions so I don't think any one is the "true" faith. 

[Moose135]

2 hours ago, Jaded said:

 I've got to come up with a reply to them today to get this mess to stop or I'm going to loose my mind before the new year even starts.

Leave me the fuck alone...

Sorry, too on the nose?

[DeLurker]

24 minutes ago, Moose135 said:

Leave me the fuck alone...

I think Jesus Christ, leave me the fuck alone...would be more fitting.

[Jaded]

16 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

@Jaded - Ignoring whether any part of their messages is well intended, I don't think social media is the way to communicate sincere concern because maybe someone doesn't want to publicly announce their faith or mental health or whatever.  And do they really know you well enough to comment about the depth of your faith or mental health?

And I am not versed enough in the bible to point you in the right direction, but I am sure there are passages about tolerance that I would have to throw right back at Uncle Biblethumper.

A lot of people find great comfort in their faith, but there are a multitude of religions so I don't think any one is the "true" faith. 

I'm not well versed in it either to throw anything from it back at them. I don't want to do that anyway. No, they don't know me well enough to comment about the depth of my faith or mental health. I have used depression as an excuse a few times for taking to long to reply to them at other times on FB. Who wouldn't be depressed over loosing a parent they were extremely close to?  They assumed I shared their faith and are now assuming that these things they are doing now are going to help comfort me in some way. Instead all of it is breaking my spirit and hindering progress I've made coming to terms with the fact that the women who raised me (Mom and Nana) are both gone now. My Mom and Nana's birthdays were the 13th and 16th respectively so that's made this month even worse.  

4 minutes ago, Moose135 said:

Leave me the fuck alone...

Sorry, too on the nose?

I'm at that point today. That video has broken me in terms of tolerance towards them. I know I put myself in this situation by not mentioning they were making me uncomfortable and etc. earlier then this. I feel stupid now for having ever thought that they dropped the bible and etc. stuff so many months ago so much so that I didn't think it would turn into this farked up situation they keep making worse. 

I keep thinking of what someone that helps me with things sometimes said a few months ago. That they haven't really respected the fact that I've been dealing with processing my grief over the past year. They weren't fans of my Mom but haven't said anything mean to me in any way they communicate with me about her. I'm not excusing them for this current behavior at all anymore. I do think that some of it is stemming from my Uncle being diagnosed in October. 

[theredhead77]

2 hours ago, stewedsquash said:

 @Jaded SNIP

Remember, you don't have to respond to your family. You don't have to open any mail, gifts, links, you can block FB, you owe them nothing. You owe yourself everything. 

This.

[DeLurker]

On 12/27/2016 at 8:48 AM, Jaded said:

I know I put myself in this situation by not mentioning they were making me uncomfortable and etc. earlier then this. I feel stupid now for having ever thought that they dropped the bible and etc. stuff so many months ago so much so that I didn't think it would turn into this farked up situation they keep making worse. 

I don't think you put yourself in the situation.  You accepted a gift politely and did not immediately put up No Trespassing signs that this was not a topic you wished to discuss or explore further.  Had you done that, it would have been ungracious and assumptive on your part that there were diabolical plans to rope you into their belief system.

For myself, if I want to explore a topic further in a serious manner, I go to the library and get a book.  Or maybe I initiate a search on the internet for articles or organizations that seem to be appropriate guidance.  For spiritual matters, I'd go to a service at a local church.  Or if you wanted to inquire some about the role religion plays in their life, you would initiate the discussion - for them to try to further a discussion of a highly personal matter that they brought up is intrusive.  And that is highly recognized - we've all heard you don't talk religion, politics or money in polite company (I would add mayo / miracle whip to that list because that has lead to some fiery discussions).

Their intentions may have been sincere, but now that it has escalated to communications on social media I would reply politely but clearly that this is not a topic you wish to discuss at this time and certainly not in a public forum.  Should you have any questions about spiritual matters or emotional well being that you wish to discuss with them, you will be the one to bring it up in private.

[PRgal]

Any tips on how to deal with family members who constantly lecture you as if you're stupid? 

[Blergh]

2 hours ago, PRgal said:

Any tips on how to deal with family members who constantly lecture you as if you're stupid? 

If one's an adult, perhaps one could do what one does re coworkers one would prefer having as little to do with possible- be civil when necessary and focus on what tasks are needed to be done with that person but avoid as much as possible.

  And if any stickybeaks try to butt in how one needs to be close- tell them that you and the other family member/s are going through a tough patch which the  you will have to work out entirely on your own so they're just going to have to learn to accept that you two aren't chummy if they want to stay connected to you.

[DeLurker]

@PRgal - well, my brothers (all older) don't treat me like I am stupid, just exceptionally dim and simple.  I usually just respond with "How interesting" (using the driest tone possible) when they start up and I've occasionally asked them endless "how" questions on the dumber suggestions they've made (eg, When your drain starts running slow, you need to treat it quickly so it doesn't turn into a clog.  Me - How can you tell if it is running slow? How do you decide what product you need to use?  How can you know it is a DIY matter and not something you should call a plumber about?).  Eventually they realize I am deliberately generating more bizarre questions to burn their time.

[roseslg]

7 hours ago, PRgal said:

Any tips on how to deal with family members who constantly lecture you as if you're stupid? 

Don't talk to them.  Period.  While reading this board, I think of the Dealing with the inlaws and family of origins board on baby center.  They are a strong believer in dropping the rope and cutting of family members who treat you as less than.  Even if someone birthed you, they don't have the right to treat you as less than.  In a lot of  families there's the golden child/scapegoat dynamic.  Why put up with it?  For family is not a good reason.  If someone can't treat you with respect, fuck that noise.  Life is too short.  

 

For example, my dad.  I haven't spoken to him in years.  I am his only child, he barely supported me growing up, but he would always ask me for things.  Dude called me on my birthday one year (something he never remembered) and was asking me to get stuff for him, didn't even acknowledge the day.   His sisters and what's not would mention how I have to look after him when he's older and all of that nonsense.  Not going to happen.  Got married and had a baby. Does he know?  Nope.  Haven't seem him, don't plan on doing so unless by accident and when his family wants to guilt me, I have no problem shutting that down.  Luckily, I don't see them that often.

 

My mother is on limited contact, most of my aunts/cousins I don't speak to.  I just don't have the mindspace for it.  You can't help the family you're born into, but you can choose to not let them drag you down. 

Edited January 6, 2017 by roseslg

[PRgal]

9 minutes ago, roseslg said:

Don't talk to them.  Period.  While reading this board, I think of the Dealing with the inlaws and family of origins board on baby center.  They are a strong believer in dropping the rope and cutting of family members who treat you as less than.  Even if someone birthed you, they don't have the right to treat you as less than.  In a lot of  families there's the golden child/scapegoat dynamic.  Why put up with it?  For family is not a good reason.  If someone can't treat you with respect, fuck that noise.  Life is too short.  

 

For example, my dad.  I haven't spoken to him in years.  I am his only child, he barely supported me growing up, but he would always ask me for things.  Dude called me on my birthday one year (something he never remembered) and was asking me to get stuff for him, didn't even acknowledge the day.   His sisters and what's not would mention how I have to look after him when he's older and all of that nonsense.  Not going to happen.  Got married and had a baby. Does he know?  Nope.  Haven't seem him, don't plan on doing so unless by accident and when his family wants to guilt me, I have no problem shutting that down.  Luckily, I don't see them that often.

 

My mother is on limited contact, most of my aunts/cousins I don't speak to.  I just don't have the mindspace for it.  You can't help the family you're born into, but you can choose to not let them drag you down. 

I'm not sure I can completely ignore them.  We have family dinners from time to time and often, it's just them, my husband and myself.  I can't just sit there and hear them lecture to us.  Often on (not so) current events.  Things we already know about (unless we were living under a rock, which we don't).  Also making somewhat inappropriate comments about people of certain ethnicities being attractive.  Wha-wha??

[roseslg]

Do they invite you or do you invite them?  I just wouldn't go.  I've stopped going to family events for the most part (unless there will be a lot of buffers).  I know what they're going to say and how the night will end up, so why bother?  I know they talk about me distancing myself from the family, but I don't care.  If you try to tell them the issues you have with them, they will think you're too sensitive or some other bs, or the usual, "this is how I am" statement.  

 

I'm sure if you see them 75% less, you'll feel better.  

[DeLurker]

14 minutes ago, PRgal said:

I can't just sit there and hear them lecture to us.  Often on (not so) current events.  Things we already know about (unless we were living under a rock, which we don't).  Also making somewhat inappropriate comments about people of certain ethnicities being attractive.  Wha-wha??

Are they older relations like aunts and uncles who might still think of you as a kid?  I know I am guilty of that even though my oldest nephew is 30.  Because then a gentle reminder that you're a big girl know might do.

And flat out tell them that those kinds of bolded comments make you uncomfortable.

Is it possible to get together for a non-talking activity?  A movie or something?  Even a game night or bowling might curtail the chances for them to segue into lecture time since the focus will be on something else.

[rcc]

25 minutes ago, roseslg said:

Do they invite you or do you invite them?  I just wouldn't go.  I've stopped going to family events for the most part (unless there will be a lot of buffers).  I know what they're going to say and how the night will end up, so why bother?  I know they talk about me distancing myself from the family, but I don't care.  If you try to tell them the issues you have with them, they will think you're too sensitive or some other bs, or the usual, "this is how I am" statement.  

 

I'm sure if you see them 75% less, you'll feel better.  

I hate when people, relatives or anyone else, think it's their right to hurt someone else then use that "you're too sensitive" excuse when they get called on it. The hell with people like that! No contact is the best contact.

[roseslg]

8 minutes ago, rcc said:

I hate when people, relatives or anyone else, think it's their right to hurt someone else then use that "you're too sensitive" excuse when they get called on it. The hell with people like that! No contact is the best contact.

Amen!  I have an aunt who would only want to hang out and drink and she gets mean when she drinks (meaner than her usual narc self).  I see her at family events and when she asks why I haven't called her/come over, I change the subject and find someone else to talk to.  

[PRgal]

40 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

Are they older relations like aunts and uncles who might still think of you as a kid?  I know I am guilty of that even though my oldest nephew is 30.  Because then a gentle reminder that you're a big girl know might do.

And flat out tell them that those kinds of bolded comments make you uncomfortable.

Is it possible to get together for a non-talking activity?  A movie or something?  Even a game night or bowling might curtail the chances for them to segue into lecture time since the focus will be on something else.

They are over 65, but did not meet me until I was an adult.  So it's not that they think of me as if I were still a child.  We (as in my husband and me) have hinted to them that the bolded comments are inappropriate, but they forget.  Non-talking activities?  It's a good suggestion, but they usually want to do more than just movies or bowling. 

[Quof]

I am a firm believer in cutting off contact with any one, regardless of family relation, who makes you miserable.  To those who say "Blood is thicker than water" I say "Blood clots are even thicker.  And they'll kill you."

[backformore]

On ‎1‎/‎6‎/‎2017 at 7:23 AM, PRgal said:

Any tips on how to deal with family members who constantly lecture you as if you're stupid? 

Sarcasm.   It may not make the problem go away, but it always makes me feel better.  "Thanks so much for your unsolicited advice.  I didn't even have to ask how I can be a better person - you really are a know-it-all, you know everything!"

Also -  interrupting and changing the subject.  Be creative. "What a great necklace!  where do you buy your jewelry? Have you ever been to that little boutique across town?"

And then, you can always combine the two:  "By the way, these potatoes are great!  can I get the recipe?  Oh, I'm sorry you were in the middle of giving me advice on how to live my life - please continue." 

I had a relative who turned every topic into something about herself, had a long story for every occasion, the point of the story was how she was so smart, so attractive, so wonderful, etc.    I used to just offer her a drink - or pour wine in her glass, anything to interrupt and give someone else a turn to talk. 

Edited January 9, 2017 by backformore

[DeLurker]

One of my brothers moved from South Florida early last year to the a little town in North Carolina, the Blue Ridge Mountains.  He's had a pretty rough adult life, but most of it from bad, immature decisions on the part of him and his wife.

His communication has fallen off a lot since he moved, but I sent him a text a few days ago about the weather and the dogs (I am beginning to think that his love of animals may be his only redeeming quality).  I did not hear back from him, so started wondering if maybe they were without power.  Decided to see if he had been on Facebook and he has been posting regularly, including in the hour before I checked.

I don't have a fb account, log in under my Dad's about once a quarter, but my brother's posts were all re-posting of stories and memes that were so hateful and racist.  My family is very divided on politics, but I could always say that even if I did not agree with their politics, they at least had well thought out reasons they could cite to support the belief (misguided as I might find it).  And my brothers, whatever their flaws may be, were decent, if not good, people. 

I don't feel that way about him anymore.  At least not right now.  I am so sad and angry at the same time.

And the most head scratching thing about this is we, ethnically, are the exact people the beliefs he aligns himself with would eventually turn their hatred towards.  We're not the primary target, but that is just because they have not gotten around to us yet.  Unless you want to roll us into the larger category of Asian and talk about the internment camps.

[JTMacc99]

24 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

I don't feel that way about him anymore.  At least not right now.  I am so sad and angry at the same time.

I was thinking that it must be so sad or disheartening, but maybe the anger will serve you better right now. It's a powerful emotion, and maybe you can use it to sort out what discovering all of that hate must have done to you.  

[DeLurker]

2 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

you can use it to sort out what discovering all of that hate must have done to you.  

I've been thinking about all the friends we have in common and wondering how many of them feel that way.  There is really only a few that I care about, but with them it would matter deeply to me.

In days of yore, my ex, his best friend and I were having a discussion about racism.  His friend was black, I'm half Taiwanese and he was your basic causasian mix - some German, some Swedish, some this, some that - but he could have, looks-wise, been the poster boy for Hitler dream gene.

The friend and I took the position that if someone is a racist, we'd rather they be up front about it so you know from the start what you are dealing with.  The ex, in a kumbaya outlook, thought it shouldn't be that way because racism is wrong and hurtful and it should not exist (ignoring the fact that it does).

Talking about theoretical racists was easier than recognizing it in real life.

[PRgal]

29 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

I've been thinking about all the friends we have in common and wondering how many of them feel that way.  There is really only a few that I care about, but with them it would matter deeply to me.

In days of yore, my ex, his best friend and I were having a discussion about racism.  His friend was black, I'm half Taiwanese and he was your basic causasian mix - some German, some Swedish, some this, some that - but he could have, looks-wise, been the poster boy for Hitler dream gene.

The friend and I took the position that if someone is a racist, we'd rather they be up front about it so you know from the start what you are dealing with.  The ex, in a kumbaya outlook, thought it shouldn't be that way because racism is wrong and hurtful and it should not exist (ignoring the fact that it does).

Talking about theoretical racists was easier than recognizing it in real life.

And then there are those who don't understand that different groups experience different types of discrimination and may also be ignorant themselves.  Take for example, a guy my (now) husband went to grad school with.  He was getting his driver's licence renewed once and an elderly Asian woman did not want to be served by a clerk who was black.  The friend, who is a "generic white boy" so to speak (sorry, I don't know how else to put it), said he was surprised the woman felt that way as she would face discrimination herself.  I explained that there is A LOT of anti-black discrimination among older immigrant Asians in Toronto and he seemed surprised.  I wonder if the clerk ever complained about the woman or if it was let go, since the woman was elderly and possibly not all that comfortable with English. 

ETA: to make this post legit (family-related):  More on ignorance - how do you deal with closer relatives who ask weird questions which seem to be odd, considering where they've spent at least a part of their lives?  I have a cousin who once asked me about being Jewish - as in "what does that mean?"  - when she found out I was dating a Jewish guy.  Said cousin was living in Manhattan at the time.   Said cousin has a sister who called Japanese cuisine "J@p food."  An older relative said that correcting her would make her lose face.  Say what?

Edited January 9, 2017 by PRgal

[Jaded]

As you all know by now I avoided sending the religious family a message stating the way I really feel about religion. Partly because of my bad habit when it comes to procrastinating and the other due to not wanting to offend or hurt others feelings. They sent a FB message last night saying they were worried since they hadn't heard back from me since the 23rd of Dec. That's when I sent that short response saying thanks for the books even though I wasn't thankful for the bible they sent. Again I was people pleasing.

This is response I got from the message I sent at 3am this morning when I knew they'd be asleep so I wouldn't have to respond in real time. This made me angry and roll my eyes so hard I thought they were going to get stuck in the back of my head. The way they are assuming things is crazy. I told them the religion was making me uncomfortable not THEM. I didn't ask them to stop believing or anything near that. They aren't going to make me feel guilty or guilt me into believing what they do so this response isn't working in their favor. It's now confirmed how deep they are in their religion. It's so much so that it's their life. That's fine if it's what floats their boat but it's not what floats mine and I don't want to hear about it from them anymore.
 

Spoiler

"Thank you for being honest. That's fine if that is the way you feel. Now I am going to be honest with you. God is our life and we will not change that. I am sorry you feel the way you do, but you are missing out on the live and peace beyond anything you have ever known. If it bothers you for us to be around you, just know that we will always love you and are here if you need us. Being uncomfortable can serve a lot of different purposes in a lot of different things. Just remember you are not alone. We really don't understand but we will be praying for you."

 

[DeLurker]

Why don't these people ever take a vow of silence?  I'd take their commitment to God much more seriously if they did.

I'd be tempted to write back "and I'll be sending you good thoughts" but I am childish that way.

If believing in God brings you so much peace, why don't they share some of theirs and leave the topic out of your family relationship?

Clearly, I share your eye rolling.

[topanga]

On 2/1/2017 at 0:19 AM, Jaded said:

As you all know by now I avoided sending the religious family a message stating the way I really feel about religion. Partly because of my bad habit when it comes to procrastinating and the other due to not wanting to offend or hurt others feelings. They sent a FB message last night saying they were worried since they hadn't heard back from me since the 23rd of Dec. That's when I sent that short response saying thanks for the books even though I wasn't thankful for the bible they sent. Again I was people pleasing.

This is response I got from the message I sent at 3am this morning when I knew they'd be asleep so I wouldn't have to respond in real time.

Who sent you the response? It sounds like you and your family still care about one another, but on both sides, you're afraid of offending or upsetting one another. It sounds like whoever sent you the message is still trying you nudge you (or guilt you) back into the fold,  which isn't fair. They know how you feel. They can continue to pray for you if they want, and if it works, it'll work whether you know about it or not, right? So they don't have to keep telling you that they're praying for you.

I'm new to this thread, so forgive me if you've already said this. Is there anyone in the family you feel close to, with whom you'd be able to have an open, honest discussion? If not, then you might just continue keeping your distance.  

And with your messages, maybe you can be a little specific. Like, say, thanking them for specific books (but not including The Bible if you weren't thankful for it). Because someone might be interpreting your messages as confirmation that you're still sitting on the fence and might consider returning to your former beliefs. 

[ari333]

This thread is a doozy. And other threads are too (relationships one, pet peeves one) There are folks here STRANGERS! who are more understanding and compassionate than my own mother  for whom I can do nothing right.

I wish I could just stop caring about it.

[Quof]

Okay, my comrades in Family Dysfunction, riddle me this.   My mother has taken to sending passive aggressive emails, with misplaced and overused ellipses.   "Thank you for the Christmas gifts.  I'm very ... grateful."   "Neighbor Bill has cancer.  It's not ... good."

What the Hell?   Is she having word finding difficulties? Should I suggest a cognitive assessment?   Is she trying to sound pensive and thoughtful?   Is she attention seeking (that's usually the answer)?  

[auntlada]

I have no idea why your mother is using them, but I find more and more people using ellipses to indicate a pause. They seem surprised when I edit out the ellipses (it's my job -- I'm not just editing people's emails) and explain that ellipses mean you left something out. They are using them like dashes or semicolons or, in some cases, periods.

[ari333]

GUILTY!! I got some kind of time out at the former twop for..... wait for it.... wait for it.... ellipsis ABUSE. The word abuse made me LOL

[Quof]

But why were you using them?  What was the point you were trying to make?

Edited February 8, 2017 by Quof

[Jaded]

23 minutes ago, ari333 said:

GUILTY!! I got some kind of time out at the former twop for..... wait for it.... wait for it.... ellipsis ABUSE. The word abuse made me LOL

I got a warning for it the first and only time I did it there. I put the 3 periods at the end of a sentence because I was exasperated and didn't know what else to say about something that was going on in a thread. It made me hesitant to post there for quite awhile. I hadn't posted that many times so getting a warning for that when I've never been a troublemaker kind of made me wonder what was going on there. It wasn't until later that I read that stuff like that happened all the time to just about everyone there at one time or another which made me less hesitant to do more then read threads.

[DeLurker]

2 hours ago, Quof said:

My mother has taken to sending passive aggressive emails, with misplaced and overused ellipses.   "Thank you for the Christmas gifts.  I'm very ... grateful."   "Neighbor Bill has cancer.  It's not ... good."

The use and placement seem to be the equivalent of a dramatic pause or a heavy sigh if talking.

I wouldn't worry about it, although I might joke that she's showing signs of rapid literary decline or early onset over punctuation.