Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[backformore]

On ‎5‎/‎12‎/‎2016 at 8:07 PM, ParadoxLost said:

My entire family learned that my Grandmother had a twin after her passing when her twin's son started researching his family history through one of those Ancestors.com deals.

Yeah, I have a similar story.   My mom always talked about her siblings, and being from a large family - they were raised in Ireland .  Most of her siblings would travel here to the US, or live here for a time, etc.  She always talked about being one of 7 kids.     One day a few years ago, she told us that her brother died - he had been living in Australia.   None of us had ever heard of him before.  We asked, and mom said, oh yeah, I'm sure I told you about him, you just don't remember.   And refused to say anything else.   All of a sudden she tells stories about being one of 8 kids.  We asked why the one brother  had left for Australia, and she said simply "to find work", and then said they "lost track of him"   until they were notified of his death, months after he died. (he had been in Australia for at least 50 years!)  The brother she never talked about,  she covered up his existence, once he's dead she acted like none of that happened.

[DeLurker]

Wow.  I guess no one else in the family ever really talked about him either!  Did anyone ever track down if he had a family there?

[backformore]

9 hours ago, DeLurker said:

Wow.  I guess no one else in the family ever really talked about him either!  Did anyone ever track down if he had a family there?

NO, it was clear that Mom didn't want anyone asking questions.  I don't know if any of the cousins knew more than we did.  My current theory is that he was gay, and was either sent away or decided to leave, because it would have been shameful at that time.  It is clear that there was something that the family felt ashamed of.  

[DeLurker]

Hmmm...large family in Ireland...Catholics?

The most interesting people in our family history are probably the ones no one talks about.  There is a strong suspicion in my family that my paternal Grandmother was the granddaughter of a one time prostitute (one of three sisters who immigrated to the US during Ireland's potato famine).  The family history basically starts at my Grandma's Mom - at least, that is as far as anyone was willing to talk about back then.

[backformore]

2 hours ago, DeLurker said:

Hmmm...large family in Ireland...Catholics?

The most interesting people in our family history are probably the ones no one talks about.  There is a strong suspicion in my family that my paternal Grandmother was the granddaughter of a one time prostitute (one of three sisters who immigrated to the US during Ireland's potato famine).  The family history basically starts at my Grandma's Mom - at least, that is as far as anyone was willing to talk about back then.

yeah, we're probably related -   but our families will never reveal it.  

My brother visited Ireland and he told some pretty good stories.  There are certain things that are not talked about - and most of them have to do with sex. 

[Sandman87]

Yeah, I have a similar story too. It was kind of unsettling to find out in my 40s that I had a half-sister. Mom had decided to never tell me about her, but events forced the issue.

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A lot of my fond family memories come from the holiday dinners where everyone would get together around the same table and swap stories. That's when I found out all sorts of fascinating (or alarming) things about my family. Like my grandfather's occasional criminal activities in the '30s and '40s, for example. Or the time my mom talked her cousin into jumping off of the windmill.

Then, of course, there was the comparatively contentious issue of whether or not my great-great-grandmother was Jewish. Most of us didn't care, but watching my great-aunt tweak my grandmother about it was well worth the price of admission for the rest of us.

[Guest]

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2016 at 1:29 PM, DeLurker said:

Hmmm...large family in Ireland...Catholics?

The most interesting people in our family history are probably the ones no one talks about.  There is a strong suspicion in my family that my paternal Grandmother was the granddaughter of a one time prostitute (one of three sisters who immigrated to the US during Ireland's potato famine).  The family history basically starts at my Grandma's Mom - at least, that is as far as anyone was willing to talk about back then.

I've found that most of my family history doesn't go beyond a hundred years or when the families came to America.  I think a lot of it is because the older generations never really liked to talk about the past.  So unless there was a notable figure then the history is mostly lost.  My maternal grandmother's side is littered with notables but not widely well knowns so we know a lot more about them because they are in books or used as cautionary tales.  My brother used to joke that he should be a Prince or something because every generation seems to have a notable person who then loses everything and doesn't pass it on to the next generation.  I think that's why my Mom has ironclad estate planning.

This thread made me go look at one of the wiki's.  Funnily enough, new update. Apparently the actor that plays young Ned Stark on GoT is a cousin an infinite number of times removed.  But I'm sure if I think about it long enough, I can figure out how, once GoT kills everyone, the Iron Throne will be mine.  Mwa·ha·ha·ha

[DeLurker]

My son went to see the new X-men movie last night with his Uncle/my brother. Aunt and cousin.  We had some hella rain during that time and there were a number of roads that became too flooded or were closed because of flooding.

Took them a while to find a way to get him home, but they did. 

I realized I had absolutely no qualms or nerves about his well-being while out with them.  I know both my brother and his wife are level headed and have good common sense.  It doesn't make them bullet proof, but I know that if anything bad ever happens, it isn't because they took a chance that I would not and that they both would do whatever was possible to keep my children safe. 

[hoosier80]

And here we go with another holiday, which I am dreading.  Every holiday I'm expected to go to my mom's, and basically do grunt labor for her.  She is using a rollator, which I bought her, because she had an arthritis flare up or sciatica and gave up on her doctor (he's evil according to her).  Anyhow, since that time, a year or so, she's now said she can't do this or that - when I saw her rush into another room to see what her neighbors were doing - without even a cane.  She's told me it's my "duty" to do this stuff for her.  Other siblings are local, but get off with just doing errands.  She thinks I get off easy by living a state away, and I really think she relishes getting a pound of flesh out of me.  I mean I'm cooking, cleaning floors, bathrooms, doing laundry, dusting - you name it.  Now her flower beds (which are huge - she added 5 or 6 beds to what existed in her condo years ago - totally not thinking ahead if she couldn't take care of it) need work.  Her landscaping guy hasn't been out or called her after she's left many messages.  Problem is she called maybe 2 weeks ago, needed to call a good month ago.  I found other names for her to call, but not she hates not to use this guy.  I know her plan is to have me do the work.  This will entail trimming multiple bushes, some are the height of trees, pruning multiple rose bushes (I think up to 10/12 bushes) weeding some places, and I'm sure other trimming.  I was toying with not going; I can't just say I'm not coming, that would be WWIII and WWIV on nukes, so it'd be some excuse - not feeling well, car died.  Not feeling up to it would be the truth, but then I get the "you are always sick".  If I don't go this time, then it's worse the next time, so I may just suck it up and plan to be outside a good day - which would be a good thing - can't get in another argument if not in the same room.  It's to the point if I say it's a sunny day, mom will say oh there are clouds.  Grass is green, oh I've seen greener.  I get it she's frustrated and feels sort of useless, but no need to take it out on me.  I've become the personal punching bag.  Oh yeah, she now says 'her dream' was to share a house with me.   Never heard it before maybe a year or so ago, and no way.  She forgets that she and her mother didn't get along because they each had their own homes; when grandma came to stay for a week, it was hell.  I'm used to doing my own things, and heaven knows mom has to have everything her way or else.  Her last visit to my house has been a good dozen years, as she damaged furniture (by "decorating it"), ruined a vacuum, replanted my plants, carved out a flower bed I did not want, basically overstepped her bounds big time.  She still sees me as a 12 year old or wants to, because those were her glory days where she was the queen of her castle, and whatever she said we all had to do or else.  I guess I'll chat with her and see how the wind is flying today.  If I even sense a foul mood, I'm bailing.  If I go, keep me in your prayers.

[BookWoman56]

Hoosier80, is it possible for you to go visit her and simply limit your visit to a few hours? Tell her you have other commitments (such as to your mental health) and can be there only 2-4 hours. It sounds as if your visits have turned into an obligation you grudgingly fulfill and your mother treats you as if you are her cleaning service rather than her offspring. I understand that you don't want to cause hurt feelings and arguments, but why torture yourself for a couple of days only to be treated badly? I wish it weren't the case, but sometimes you get to a point where you realize that you don't like your parents and don't want to be around them unless absolutely necessary. In your case, your mother's actions and behavior make your visits with her unpleasant (and that's probably putting it mildly). Use the extra time you would otherwise be spending there working your ass off to do something you actually enjoy. It's not like she has nobody else around to assist with errands and so forth, so you don't need to be guilt-tripped into doing all this crap. If she absolutely cannot do the cooking/cleaning/yard work herself, then it makes way more sense for your siblings to rotate those responsibilities because they're local, rather than you driving one state over to do housework.

A few years ago I quit my job and moved two states over to live with my parents, at my mother's request, because my father was recovering from a major illness. I was there for almost two years taking care of them, and I saw them at their absolute worst. Those two years have damaged my overall memories of them, so that since my father died a couple of years ago, it's been almost impossible to have any good memories of him because the hellish memories are too fresh. I'm not saying you would have the same experience, but it might be better to limit your contact so that you don't dread these visits quite so much.

[DeLurker]

@hoosier80 - a bit late for this weekend, but next time some advance planning is in order.  Since you have siblings local, rally the troops (or blackmail them) into jointly undertaking a bigger project - the gardens sound like a prime candidate.  That way, with a couple of people working for a couple of hours, a lot can be accomplished in a day.  Plan for an informal lunch/dinner/bbq*  midway through or at the end of the day.  Liquid refreshments might help lubricate familial interactions.

Alternatively, can you recruit a few nieces/nephews to help?  Even if they aren't old enough to be of any real help, usually having kids around changes the dynamic.  A chatterbox young'n would be ideal to keep Grandma company and yammer on only the way a child can.  Get them some popsicles, chalk and bubble soap and let'em loose.  Older kids (and their friends) might be swayed by the promise of a pizza party and movie/movie tickets as a payoff for a couple of hours of lawnwork or whatnot.

*purchased on potluck to save you from getting volunteered to do that too!

[Sandman87]

hoosier80, your mother sounds a lot like my grandmother was. I learned at a very young age how to say "no" to her, and to stand my ground after I said it. Just had to be willing to endure the frosty silences and snide remarks afterward. I don't know how feasible that would be in your situation though.

[seahag50]

Oh a place I can talk at..im glad.  I have 4 step children three of which lived with my husband and me and we raised them.  The eldest is 47 she has 5 children and is married.  I have in total 18 grandchildren.  I call them my children and grand children because I put 33 years of my life into them.  My daughters eldest is a total and complete brat. She is mouthly and loves to talk about other people all the time..like her mom...her mom is a hypochondriac and was always sick.  To make a long story shorter...not short...I retired in 2011 my daughter then decided to get a job.  She had a night job and her husband  a night job.  The kids stayed here (4 of them the eldest was out of the house) parents would drop them off they stayed here got on the bus and the youngest that was 4 stayed till mom picked him up...this went on for months.  I was tired and not well my spouse could care less about how I felt.....one day I am on face book and I put in how happy I was that I had 4 healthy kids and 18 healty grandkids......she jumped on and called me an old bitch said I don't have any kids or grandkids cause I wasn't a mother...and I'm a lying piece of S***, this child once got mad at her grandfather and yanked his shirt ripped it and hit him....my husband was held back by her dad who said don't hit my kid

Yep a real doozey.  I called her mother and told her what happened and she said oh well you know how she is.  So my lazy daughter decided to send this daughter to pickup my grandson...I saw her drive in I went out to the car rapped on the window and asked her who the hell did she think she was...she got scared and started to yell...I called her the c word and said oh C eat s*** and die I'm sick of your crap.  She got mad and started to jump out of the car.  I said hey if you feel froggy jump but you hit me unlike your grandfather I will have you arrested for elder abuse and abuse of the disabled.  ( I am.)  She went home told her mom I was kicking her car and hitting it and said I was going to kill her and her sister who was in the car said the same thing.  They called the cops and wanted me arrested...the police came and after I talked to them they just laughed and said welcome to 2013 the age when kids rule the world.. They left.  I WAS FURIOUS.  She told the kids that I took care of that I was dangerous and that they weren't safe and this was my own daughter.  So we were cut out from everything..no Christmas holidays no baseball nothing...our other child lives in Africa and our son was in the air force...

Three years go by and I send letters to everyone in that family saying I was sorry I lost my temper.  My daughter called and told me that she would think about forgiving me and that I should shout to the world that I was a violent person.  I have RA and Asthema I cant hit things or kick them cause I can barely walk.  my limbs are bent and knotted and I use oxygen.  I told her nope I am not going to do that.. I said since I never disrespected anyone in my life I didn't deserve this treatment.  5 months later I see my grandson walking through the grocery store parking lot...he runs up and kisses me he is 17 years old...he cries grandma I miss you....surprise my daughter walks up kisses me and says Mel (a nother  grand daughters grad party is june ll come if you want )  I just sat there and didn't say anything but thank you...I drove home and walked in the house and cried for 2 hours...I did nothing wrong but was punished for three years...now I'm supposed to cough up a gift for a grandkid who has not seen me nor acknowledged my presence for three years....NOT GONNA HAPPEN.  Just a question am I horrid I never disrespected my parents grandparents family in any way or form.  I was close to my family and we respected each other..My husband says he isn't going so of course he does side witgh me..Thank god somone did..........

Seahag

[DeLurker]

@seahag50

That sounds pretty awful - I can understand why you want to stand your ground, but are still hurt.

About the upcoming grandchild's graduation party - I can't speak to your daughter's motivation for inviting you, but her motivation and how your granddaughter feels may not be the same.  It sounds as if your grandson who you saw sincerely was happy to see you.  A teenage boy is not typically prone to such spontaneous outbursts of affection - I suspect seeing you after so long overrode the very casual attitude more common at that age.  Perhaps inviting the granddaughter to a lunch to celebrate her graduation will allow you to see her without being on high alert for her Mom's shenanigans. 

Is it possible that your daughter and/or granddaughter have some mental health issues?  Whether diagnosed or not, there may be an underlying cause for their rather than just being highly unpleasant people (although that is certainly a possibility).  And even if a person does have a mental health condition - whether they acknowledge or treat is aside, there are often ways of "managing" the interactions with them and not getting bulldozed.  Sometimes that means pulling yourself out of the lunacy.  And if they do have a mental health issue, all your grandchildren probably deal with the erratic outcome too and no way of understanding or extracting themselves.

My ex was a severely troubled person - exceptional and so unique in some ways, but destructive, paranoid, manic, and eventually violent at the same time.  After we separated, he got a diagnosis of bipolar, but I was not entirely convinced that was all that was going on.  Through discussions with my therapist, she said he sounded like borderline personality disorder (while clearly stating that BPD would be a guess based on what me and my son told her about our interactions with him, but it would be impossible to diagnose based on second hand information).  She recommended a book about it that might provide useful coping skills for me and my son as we had ongoing interactions with him because of his visitations with the kids.

This actually helped me understand and accept the reality of my family's situation.  My son was very young at the time and he didn't need to understand labels and all, but we did talk about different coping skills he could use to manage interactions with his dad in the moments when dad was not reasonable.

[seahag50]

Quote

I would be glad to take my grand daughter to lunch and I have called and gotten no response.  I wrote letters and got no response.  My daughter does have problems she always is sick all of the time..I don't have much understanding why someone wants to be sick at all.  My mother died of ovarian cancer and never complained at all about her illness I have had major surgeries and got up the same day walked down the hall and told them I don't need pain meds...

The eldest grand child the one who started this actually does have problems...parents that made her afraid of everything...I think she was spoiled and coddled.  This kid is terrified of everything.  The one who is graduating hates everyone and is depressed..i saw this when she was little..she would call me and ask me to come get her cause she needed to get away from these crazy people. LOL.  The youngest who is 8 has anxiety issues so bad his mother had to quit her job to stay home in the summer with him.  I kept telling my daughter that she was making her kids afraid of everything and that they will have major problems...well they do.  I would like to solve their problems but I cant and I don't want to.  Her spouse lost his job that he had for 20 years due to his temper he was a corrections officer.  They received all of his pension money in a lump sum and blew it on parties jewelry trips etc.  Just this past February they went on Go Fund Me and asked for 2500 $ because her husband wasn't working much and they lost their internet and cable and needed money for electric...who in their right mind asks for money for their cable or internet...begs for it.. I love my daughter very much but I cant say she isn't like me because she isn't my real daughter. I came from a very strict german background that before play comes work.  Ive owned three houses and never had a car payment.  When each kid needed a car I co signed...I cant make her like me I cant have to be more like me because it is not possible. 

Her own mother wont help her and never did.  She ran out of gas one night she called her mom and her mother said oh I cant do anything to help you.  She had 4 kids in the car with her.  She called her dad and I at 0300 and we got out of bed and rescued them.  So..yes I harbor a lot of bitterness and have gotten to the point that I just do not care anymore.  I continue to see my

grandson and I enjoy his company. 

[hoosier80]

Well, I did go my mom's over Memorial Day.  Started out ok, but day 2 was BAD.  I got up early and was outside by 7 a.m. Mom was up early; she normally doesn't get up until around 9 or 10 a.m., but yeah she was all hyper as it was a holiday weekend.  She kept asking me, is the paper there, is the paper there?  No there was no morning paper out on her walk or driveway.  Well, are there any other papers (meaning do the neighbors have papers)?  No, I said no.  No papers anywhere.  I go out and start trimming one vine alongside her yard light/pole.  It's on a small trellis and actually should be on a larger one but not sure that would fit.  Oh, here comes the paper delivery guy.  I go in and take it to her.  Oh where was the paper, you found it......spazzing out about the damned newspaper.  I said, no the guy just came by and handed it to me.  In later stories to everyone, complaining how it was so late, said I found it on the driveway.  No, again, the paper guy drove up when I first started trimming.  I should've known from that initial hissy fit of the day, it was not going to go well.

I am trimming away, also getting out some of the larger weeds, which I'd sprayed with my own weed killer the night before.  It was nice and quiet, then I heard the door open.  Yep, mom HAD to come outside.  Now, she's said she can't even hold a pruner, but yeah she sat and trimmed back one small area, then kept asking me for stuff, oh do this oh do that.  So much for being alone and having a few moments of peace.  For those that have said oh have relatives come and help - it's me and my one sibling, who cannot possibly do outdoor work - horrible allergies.  They had laid that on thick a week or so beforehand.  So thanks, it's all on me.  No nieces or nephews or in laws - just me.  Yay.  So I'm trimming a bush manually (no electric tools), then I realize I should've put plastic down as this stupid bush is over rocks. I raked up what I could, then knowing how picky mom is, sat on the ground picking up little leaves, etc.  At some point, mom asked me to do whatever, which meant I had to haul my old ass off of the ground for the upteenth time.  She said don't you know how to do xxxx? Which yes, I do because I'd been trimming all morning.  Then, she said why do you have such a bad attitude? I made the mistake of saying, well this is not my house.  OMG.  Tears and slamming of doors, then not responding to me (pouting).  Later on it got into a yelling match; she'd never seen or heard of such a daughter like me.  I'm rotten, the worst ever.  I said yeah I get it, I'm horrible, sibling is a saint.  I honestly think she's so frustrated that she vents out to me.  I said I'm tired of being your punching bag.  Oh, no that's not it.  In her mind, I owe her for everything she's ever done for me.  I'm not even close to repaying her.  She said she paid for all of my schooling, which is not true.  I had my own funds and assistance,which she denied.  Oh she bought a car for me;yes, which I didn't ask for, it wasn't a luxury car, and it was bought because she couldn't or wouldn't drive me to/from school and was embarrassed that I had to bum rides.  Plus, my sibling got the car, then used it as a trade in for their first car.  And, I'd had another car, that her brother insisted I sell because it was older and the alternator had to be replaced.  Should never have done that, but they said jump and I was supposed to say how high.  It wasn't a state of the art car, but it had low mileage and was all mine.  So had I not been made to sell that car for a ridiculously low amount, I wouldn't have needed to beg for transportation.  But yes, I owe her for that and for helping me pack and unpack when I moved several times (she basically begged to do so and was upset when I didn't ask her, but no that is all a lie that I've made up).  Made the mistake of saying I didn't want you involved, because you have to take over - you love being in charge, which is true.  So again, I'm rotten.  Then she said something about how I should've bought a house with her and lived together now that she's older.  I should have had her tour homes with me before I bought a house.  I said well clearly we do not get along, so that wouldn't have worked.  Again, all my fault, I'm rotten.

It actually ended up on an ok basis, with me apologizing.  It was just that I was sorry I upset her - I did not take back a word I said, as I know it to be the truth. As someone told me,  you can be right or you can be happy.   Ironically, I came back to having all my landscaping done for me the next week. 

During a phone call this week, she was all shook up as someone in her area had passed away.  She didn't think they were that bad.  Anyhow, she kind of asked if she could come to my house for a few weeks next winter.  I said well, we'll see, hopefully I get all my home improvement items done.  What I will do is lay out guidelines if she does visit - ahead of time.  If she doesn't like it, then well sorry, no visit.

Really debating if I will go on the next holiday.  I am doubting it.   I can't go through another afternoon like last Sunday, at least not this soon.

[DeLurker]

Wow - I'm biting my tongue just reading your recap of the weekend!  That sounds like a blood boiling 48-72 hours. 

I would definitely have prior commitments lined up before the next holiday/potential visit. 

When she has visited you before, is there a difference in tone?  Because a visit of "a few weeks" is going to end up with you in a hospital or jail if it is the same show/different setting.

[Jaded]

I don't know how you put up with all of that @hoosier80. I agree with @DeLurker about the hospital or jail comment. She's putting way to much pressure and stress on you. Is there enough money on her side or your's to hire a handyman or one of those types of services?

[DeLurker]

@Clann Dhonnchaidh -How long did the two of you live together?  That sounds like it was a rough period of time and too long, no matter how long it was.

I am glad that you were able to extract yourself from the day to day challenges of living with her.  Writing the apology letter, regardless (irregardless?) of the "fault" in an effort to get back to a more balanced existence had to be difficult.  And for her not to recognize the peace offering and give a "What in the world are you talking about?" response is beyond the pale.

Part of this just sounds like Mom's personality since you mentioned how she will be gracious in front of people, but critical behind their backs. 

[backformore]

Wow, @Clann Dhonnchaidh , sounds like our moms were related.   My  was critical of everything I did, and critical of my kids as well.   From as early as I can remember, she considered my sister to be "the pretty one", and let everyone know it.  Every thing I did, every decision I made, she second-guessed and said I was wrong.

As we became adults, I was out and on my own pretty early, getting a scholarship for college and working nights.   It wasn't until I had a decent career that my mother started telling me I was "ungrateful"  for the sacrifices she and my dad made so that I could go to college.  When I expressed that I didn't actually get help, she would say "we helped all we could, you're so selfish, you think you're the only one in the family."   No, I just don't want you to take credit for something you had nothing to do with.  She didn't like my husband, begged me not to marry him.  Then later, denied it, saying she always liked him.  Her criticism of my kids was constant, anything they did, she would compare to my sister's kids, bragging about how well they were doing (even making stuff up). She told me she didn't trust my son, as an adult based on a remark she heard that he made when he was EIGHT years old.  She told people she went to all her grandkids sports events, plays, concerts, etc.  But she never went to anything my kids did, claiming I never told her about what they were doing.   (I told her, she just didn't care.)  If I said my kid had a concert coming up, she would talk about her other grandkids, how so-and-so was the STAR of his concert, how she was so proud of him, blah, blah, and disregard that I was telling her about something for one of my kids she could attend.  If I pushed the issue, she would beg off, saying "I'll have to check"  and then never get back to me. 

The thing is as adults, my kids are far more accomplished and successful.  but she never saw it.   She bragged about my nephew's job, said he was the "head of training"  for a company.  No, he was making minimum wage as a clerk.  She had no idea what my kids did for a living, and when they were in college,  relatives asked what colleges they were at, what they were studying -  she had no clue, so she made it up.  In high school, my son worked for a grocery store.  she asked how he liked it, I said he didn't.   She said he better learn to like it, because it's the only job he'll ever get.   (He's now a financial analyst, working on an MBA).

My mom died last year.  The last year of her life, she complained to me that my kids didn't call or visit.  My kids never felt loved by her, she ignored them even when they were in the same room with her.  They don't miss her, because they never felt accepted by her.  The crazy thing is - there was NO REASON for any of it.  I was always second to my older sister, so my kids were second to her kids. 

Edited June 6, 2016 by backformore

[hoosier80]

Well, it's been like maybe 2 weeks of a shaky "ok" relationship with mom, and she's back on the "I never thought I'd have a daughter like you" mantra.  She still hasn't gotten anyone to come out and do her yardwork. My theory is that she's not called anyone, she totally wants me to do it all, as a way of payback.  She told me again, I need to do my share.  Now, mind you, my brother does this:  takes her to wherever she needs to go - grocery, church (when he's already going there), he may change a lightbulb on higher fixtures, gets her mail from the street box, may take her some food.  That's it.  Nothing in the way of physical labor.  He's 5 years younger than I am, but he's got his "allergies".  I also have allergies, but yeah mine aren't that bad.  I should say I'm going to get shots.  

She called me during the week when I was working from home.  I had told her I had to work this weekend, mandatory for all, been telling her that.  Well, she was fine, or so it seemed.  During the call, she was talking just minor chit chat, I had people asking me for information they needed then and there.  I am digging it out, and my connection failed.  We get a PIN that is sent to our cell phones to login, so I'm like I have to go.  Oh, she kept laughing as I was saying oh shit, no..........and I kept telling her, honestly, this is not funny.  She kept laughing.  I just think it's funny the way you talk to things - as I said oh no, why is this going so slow?  I then, said honestly, I have to go, I have to log back in now.  Well, it was radio silence for a good two days.  Talked to her yesterday and I could tell she was getting into "the mood".  Tried to call today, as she says Sunday is such a lonely day.  No answer.  I dreaded calling at my normal nightly time.  Sure enough, kaboom!

Started off, with I can't hear you.  Bone of contention, but her hearing is gone.  You cannot tell her that though.  I've had ringing in my ears for years.  Yes, since the time you had the basement waterproofed.  You had to open the door, when the workmen clearly told you to stay away - heavens forbid that you weren't in charge or couldn't supervise them.  I am convinced it damaged her ears, after all they wore the heavy ear protection and told her to stay away.  I repeated myself 4 times.  She kept saying I can't hear you.  I think it was total BS, she could hear me, but she's always complained about my cell phone - any one of them.  Those newfangled devices just are not as good as the phones from the "good old days".  Well, last time I shouted it, what I had said.  Then she went into total pout mode (like the Mount Rushmore someone described above - if you're in person).  She then went into how I'm the bad child, never thought she'd have a daughter like me, how her outside is going to hell (doubtful - she wants her roses trimmed - she has a thing where if one branch is a bit longer or one is drooping, it has to be cut off - total perfectionist).  Then I heard how I need to do my fair share, it's my duty.  Uh, I had to work yesterday, not that I wanted to do so, it was mandatory.  Had it been my sainted brother, it would be, oh he has to work, they value him so much, or poor guy has to work on the weekend.  Me, nope.  I am acting like a bigshot, no one really needs my expertise that much, I am exaggerating, etc.  No, again - everyone had to be there, all 100+ employees.  Everyone.    

I blew up and said you will not be satisfied until you make me as miserable as you are, so what I need to do is resign my job tomorrow, and put up my house for sale.  Then, I can move in with you and you can support me.  I have no intention of doing so, but I was so angry, and she does know how to push my buttons.  I should not have called and said I was sick I guess.  Pretty much sealed the deal that I'm not going there over the 4th.  It would be awful.  

I think if she did come here for a visit, the visit would be one week maximum.  I was initially thinking max of two weeks, but no.

And I'm not the only one who gets the angry treatment.  One of her neighbors, who can be bossy, organized a carry in meal for the neighbor right next door to my mom, as the husband passed away from cancer at a youngish age.  She didn't include my mom, who thought a card would be sufficient, plus mom has said multiple times, she does not cook much any more.  I kind of understand why she didn't include her.  Well mom found out, and I got multiple calls while at work - like I needed to hear the latest update.  Honestly, all I was glad about was that it wasn't me in the dog house.  The bossy one then left a small gift for my mom, it was her birthday a few days earlier.  (Mom's birthday is a big deal, you have to make a huge deal over it  - if you don't, woof woof,  you're in the doghouse).  Bossy called mom and said I'll be over around xxxx.  Mom left it roll to her answering machine, then picked it up the next time and hung up.  Then she called her and said do not bother coming to my house and slammed down the phone.  She also cut off another friend because she had differing opinions, and mom thought she called too much.  Just has never called her back.  Did that with another friend for a good 3 years; they somehow reconciled and were fast friends until that friend passed away.  Now, mom says oh what a good friend, totally forgetting what a shit she was to her for at least 3 years.  I am betting she also gets into arguments with my brother; she's said before that he does the whole not speaking deal when he's toting her around town.  Then she calls me crying and/or yells at me because we're both rotten "children".  

I'm tempted to call the few yardwork places she has called and just see if they answer or call me back.  If they do, I could just ask how long is the wait time, etc.  I'd almost say go to this address and send me the bill, but that could be World War 4.  

Thanks for letting me vent.  

[Treehugger]

Hello all.  I rarely post but am an avid reader of your community, and I'm one of those introverts who hangs back even in the corner of an online room.  Call me a deep introvert.

I'm such a holy roller mess today, probably because this morning has been the first time I've been alone since the family incident on Sunday and it's finally okay to lose my mind.  A little background is necessary.  I have an autoimmune disease called alopecia, and it means significant hair loss resulting in patches and tufts of hair.  In other words, I feel that I look like a freak.  Wigs can slip, plus they also hurt on the alopecia scalp.  Hats and scarves cover but they also skew and come off.  When I've had incidents of losing the hair covering, I've had people take photos and stare.  So my confidence, self-esteem and sense of security/safety is compromised.

On Saturday we had a family gathering on my husband's side of the family for a high school graduation.  Several weeks ago my mother-in-law told me she was excited that my daughters and their significant others would be at the party because all of her four kids would be there as well, and we could have family photos taken.  I told her that I don't allow photos any longer but that I would be glad to take the photos.  My mother-in-law insisted that it was okay "because I'm beautiful" and according to her, it's just family.

It's not okay.  #1, I had declined already.  #2, my mother-in-law would be displaying this photo in her house and I don't want people in her hometown seeing me.  #3, my sister-in-law posts every photo on Facebook, even when requested not to post, so I lose control over the photo on Facebook.

For a second time during this phone call, I told my mother-in-law that my photo is not an option.  She agreed reluctantly and said that she didn't want to make anyone do anything that would make them uncomfortable.

You know where this is heading.  Day of the party we've all been there about 2 hours and it's getting closer to time to leave.  I'm having a wonderful chat with my nephew about his college plans and upcoming summer vacation.  We're seated on the couch, and you guessed it, the couch is towards the back of the living room, with about 14 other people scattered around in various chairs and at various tables.  I see my mother-in-law almost tiptoeing through the crowd, which draws everyone's attention because she's walking so weird; I hear my nephew say "oh, it's time to get up".  I turn to him, ask what he means, and then I feel my mother-in-law on my side opposite of my nephew grasping at my hand and giving a gentle tug and saying in front of this whole room "we're going to take family photos, and it's okay because we can put you in the back".  I'm not sure how I responded really, but I think it was along the lines of "I'm not going outside, I'm staying here".  By now the entire room is watching us, and I settle back into the couch, obviously digging in for the duration.

To top it all off, my other sister-in-law comes in after the photos have been taken and talks to me in front of everyone telling me that I should have had my photo taken and it would have been just fine.  I told her that nothing about this was fine.

So much has been taken from me since 2013, and my husband's family knows this.  I've lost my grandmother, my mom, and my dad.  I quit my job.  I don't have a sense of well-being, and I don't want to leave my home.  I don't ask for a lot, but I did stand up for myself in this instance and had to keep doing it because the in-laws refused to respect my decision.  My mom would have asked them "what about no don't you understand?".  

My husband and my daughters don't realize how upset I am because I didn't even realize it until I wrote this novella.  (Sorry about the length.)  I can't really confide in them because I want to keep the drama low key.  Thanks for reading my venting session.

[krimimimi]

@Treehugger, good on you for posting! Much better to get that out than to keep things bottled up. And good for you for standing up for yourself!

A few years ago a friend of mine lost a lot of hair due to an adverse reaction to completely stupid amounts of stress. I got a small taste of what that must be like when I was put on warfarin two years ago and began to lose my hair as well. Although my hair loss was far less severe, and I began to recover once they switched my meds (a year later :-/ *sigh*), I do have an inkling of how that can feel. (I was less than chuffed at the time, so... I think I spent the better part of a year not going out without a cap or scarf.) I can only imagine how you're feeling, and I'm very sorry you're going through this. 

Three thoughts beyond general sympathy - 1) given the number of serious personal losses in your life, is there any chance your alopecia could be caused by stress, as in my friend's case? Because if so, there are things to be done for it that can help. (She's recovered quite a bit in the last few years, but also had to make a bunch of changes in her life, although that was probably for the best either way.)

2) I ended up needing crutches or a cane to get around and walking with a pronounced limp, and to be honest, that had an impact on my sense of security when I was out and about. I find the less secure I'm feeling, the more negative attention I attract. And of course the more negative attention, the less secure I feel. It's a negative feedback circuit. But that also means anything you can do to fake the appearance of confidence will actually help you to feel more confident in time. Worth a try. Costs nothing but effort.

3) I really think it's great that you posted, but I would also encourage you to talk to your nearest and dearest. It's hard for people to understand us if we don't let them in on what's going on inside. Your in laws clearly didn't understand how you feel (or they are completely insensitive, whichever), but I do believe in general if folks have any idea of how their behavior was making you feel, I doubt they would wish to continue it. Let your husband and daughters in on your feelings, at the least you'll come away from it better understood, and I think that's a victory in and of itself. 

[Treehugger]

Thanks krimimimi and stewedsquash.  You raise interesting points, food for thought!

One thing that I can do is educate about autoimmune diseases, such as alopecia.  Stress doesn't cause the disease, but it can trigger it.  So I definitely attribute my stress to the alopecia lighting up.  There are some 80 autoimmune diseases, some of them lupus, MS, psoriasis, and rheumatoid arthritis.  What a wonderful advance in quality of life if science could determine the cause(s) of autoimmune diseases!

Krimimimi, I will talk to my husband about the family interactions and how uncomfortable I was.  He did know that I wasn't feeling well about the day, but he can get so angry at his family that I felt it was best to get some distance between the family day and the "talk" with my husband.  

Stewedsquash, you really helped me view my in-laws' interactions in a different light.  Again, when I'm calmer, I will have that conversation with them you recommend about what is happening and remember that they love me and need help understanding autoimmune diseases and my reactions to it.

There is no cure for any autoimmune disease, so my Frankenstein look is my new reality.  It's going to be a learning process for all of us.  I need all of my posse intact, even my in-laws!

[backformore]

Oh @Treehugger, I'm sorry for what you're going through!   I get it, you were having a normal conversation with your nephew, probably feeling like your "old self"  again, and didn't need a photo of the day to remind you of your insecurity about your appearance.  And you're right -  with every stinkin' photo everyone takes being shared with the entire world, it's hard to feel good about yourself when faced with a less-than-best appearance.  They didn't treat your fairly.  I agree that you need to talk to your in-laws. Be sure to include something positive, like you know they love you and want to support you, but that the best way to do it is to not do anything to call attention to your appearance.  That you want normal conversations about other things, like you were having with your nephew.  Explain that how you look on the outside doesn't match how you feel, and that photos, and conversations about photos, cause you to feel upset about that discrepancy.   Because that's the issue, really.  You are still YOU.   But a photo of you, seems like a photo of your alopecia. 

Meanwhile, I suggest you find a support group.  If not in person, an online community for women with alopecia. We can try to offer support here, but you could use the support and advice of people who have had the same struggles. They would also be a source of info on doctors, treatments, etc.   I'm certain that the family photo thing is an issue that comes up for a lot of people.  As women, our hair is a big part of our appearance and how we feel about ourselves.  Losing that can be devastating.  I'm sorry you're going through that.  Autoimmune diseases are the worst, because there's no germ or cell, or DNA, to pin it on.  It sucks.

I had a friend (male) many years ago,  who had alopecia.  he used to tell this story -  My hair kept falling out, in clumps, for no reason.  So I  went to the doctor, he examined me, took some blood tests, and sent me to a specialist.   that doctor did some tests, called me back into the office, and told me I had a disease called alopecia areata.   I said great, now we know what I have - what is it?  And the doctor said "basically it's Latin for your hair is falling out for no reason." 

[hoosier80]

I did go to mom's over the 4th against my better judgement.  It was basically ok, up to the last day, then a blow up or two.  I was like not going back in a while.  Well, mom got horribly constipated, has hemorrhoids (has for years), and was crying (multiple phone calls).  I drove up there last weekend.  Her bottom hurt so bad she didn't want to move, so I was researching hemorrhoids online, finding out more than I ever wanted to know.  I asked her ahead of time, they have plastic sitz baths, would you use that?  Oh, yes that sounds great.  So I get that plus every other damned home remedy that eases the pain (she doesn't like her doctor and I knew she wouldn't go in for this).  

I'm driving along and she calls me.  I braced because I was like oh she's going to chew me out - why aren't you here yet?  Nope, all teary, crying, oh I thought you had been in an accident.  Nope just a ton of road construction.  I finally get there, and she's on her bed, laying on her side.  I said well do you want to try the sitz bath?  Oh, don't yell at me (I wasn't), don't bug me, don't harass me.  I had merely asked if she wanted to try that sitz bath to help with her pain.  After about 45 minutes (I went into another room), she finally tried it.  Water all over the bathroom, she kept squirming and I was like sit still.  So I had to mop up the floor, then I played nurse and checked out her behind.  I mean she was jumping when I just looked - I wasn't touching a thing.  It's kind of typical; when she has any sort of malady, it's the worst ever.  I don't doubt she was hurting, but I'd had some sort of issue in that body region when I was in my late teens or twenties - and she laughed at me.  I used the Tucks wipes and it burned my rear bad, but it did heal it up.  Anyhow, every other minute she would have me get her something - a pillow, a glass of water, on and on and on.  Surprisingly, when I made two nice meals for her, no pain at all.  When I got ready to leave, I had made the mistake (my patience was long gone) of saying well if I take that pillow away now, you'll whine and want it back in 30 seconds.  Cue the waterworks.  Next day (Monday) I was exhausted, but mom seemed to be in a good mood when I called her.  Tuesday, she called me on my cell at work, just saying I was the worst daughter ever.  I hadn't put towels into the correct laundry hamper, actually her friend's daughter did all the laundry before she left (I was just lazy), I didn't throw out her food out of the fridge nor clean it, she now had that Sitz bath and other things - what was she to do with it, she's trying to get organized and I just bring more stuff, she'd never use the Sitz bath as she couldn't handle it, I left extra stuff in her second (nearly empty fridge) and I was evil because I had left her alone, plus I didn't want her to live with me - so tough, I'd just have to suffer by going there more often.  Didn't I feel ashamed?  No, what I felt was OMG here we go again, plus with that attitude, nope, not going to live with me.

Every other day it's been Jekyll and Hyde.  Now, since she took a stool softener, she's been crapping since about Wednesday or so.  Started out very runny, now per what she's saying tapering off a bit.  But she's soiling her pants; she has pads, but still getting onto her clothing.  She called me at 1 a.m. one morning, asking me to come and clean her.  I was like whaaaaat?  Started off all crying and weepy; when I questioned it she got angry and no crying - told me not to bother.  Then wouldn't answer - then called me later the next evening all sweet - I thought you would call.  If I dare say she needs to go to a doctor, kaboom!  But she asks me for my opinion, then says no.  I then remind her, I'm not a medical professional.  Kaboom.  She's trying to work into this whole deal how much better it'd be if she lived with me.  Nope.  I know it'd never work.  I just hope she gets better soon because I'm worn out.  Yeah and ironically some medical problems I had that had gone away are now rearing up for me - I'm sure stress related.  A good friend took me aside and said you know she's just taking everything out on you - do not internalize this if you can help it.    It got so bad at one point, I blocked her from my phone.  Then I felt guilty, so I guess the mute button is the way to go.  If I don't pick up, she rants about what would she do if she needed me or if it was an emergency.  I've told her - 911 as I'm 170 miles away.  Then it's back to - see we should have one house together.   As another friend told me, she's manipulative and will keep on trying - to which - no, it's not happening.  A visit at the most.  A very short visit.  Thanks for letting me vent again.  

I'm going to treat myself tomorrow by going to a new outlet mall that's relatively close by.  

[Babalu]

Is your mom on or eligible for Medicaid, @hoosier80? I would definitely check into home health care programs for her. In many cases, Medicaid can cover the costs, and even if there is no Medicaid, there may be some other way to get help. I would start by contacting your mom's local Medicaid and Social Services/Adult Services offices. Tell her that's what you're going to do because your health won't allow you to continue to care for her to the extent you have been. It may even be worth it to think about assisted living, although it sounds like your mom might refuse that. This is just my advice, so do what you need to do, and it's wonderful to help parents as much as possible, but it seems to me that this whole situation isn't tenable any more. (Also, be ready for bureaucracy galore, but if you can get help, it will be well worth it.)

[backformore]

@hoosier80 - I feel your pain.   One thing you could try (it worked for me, it might work for you)  is find a game to play on the computer.   Mute the sound, and when you talk to her on the phone, put the phone on speaker.  Listen and talk to her, but part of your mind is playing a game, so her words won't sting as much.  If that doesn't work for you - then draw, or put a puzzle together - anything to keep you from engaging completely in her negativity.

And - AGREE with her.  Whatever she says, find a  way to agree instead of argue. "You're the worst daughter in the world".  "I know, I wish I was better." If she complains that she should live with you, just say "Yeah, I wish we could do that but we both know we'd drive each other crazy, I'm really hard to live with."  Schedule time to talk to her, tell her when you will call, and limit yourself to a certain length of time.  When the negativity is too much, simply say "Oh, you don't seem like you want to talk right now, I'll call you later."  Do that every time, and she'll get the message.  When you visit her, and she starts the verbal abuse, just say something like "I have a taste for ice cream, (or whatever)  I'm going out for a bit, what flavor can I bring you?"

And,  @Babalu is right -  contact whatever senior service agency you can find to help her.  Some have housekeeping services -  a person who stops by once a week to see if anything is needed, and to tidy up.  It's not like having a maid, just someone who can help and check on her.  Some places have meals on wheels programs, some have home health care, like a visiting nurse or aide.

Most of all - stop feeling guilty.  You are doing what you can do, focus on that, not on what you can't do. 

[BookWoman56]

Hoosier80, if your mother's behavior was new, I'd suggest that maybe she is having some weird personality shifts as a result of illness or meds, but from what you've said previously, it seems like she's always been super critical but lately it's just been kicked up several notches. But the thing is, you are spending time and energy doing things for her that she does not appreciate, and all you get from her in return is her kvetching about what a horrible daughter you are. Your brother lives in the same town she does, IIRC, and while it's not fair to have him assume all responsibility for her, neither is it fair to expect you to drive 170 miles there and 170 miles back on a regular basis to deal with ongoing housekeeping tasks, minor medical problems, and so forth. So I have to agree with the advice that you tell her your own health does not allow you to visit and take care of her, and that she needs to either accept home health care if it is available, or find some other alternative. Please do not cave in to her demand that she come live with you; from everything you've described, your existence would become a living hell. And while I understand to some extent you may feel guilty for not wanting her to live with you, fundamentally the reason you don't want to do that is because of her being demanding and harsh on a consistent basis. I would also recommend that you talk to your brother about her health and yours, and make it clear to him that you both need to find a solution to the situation, and a solution that will not cause everybody to be miserable. 

Edited July 30, 2016 by BookWoman56

[DisneyBoy]

I've only just skimmed your story, but a few questions:

-Does your mother have a social life or friends still?

-Has your relationship devolved into one where you guys set each other off without intending to, or out of habit (IE, passive aggressive comments, etc).

-Has your mother ever seen a therapist?

 

I feel for you and wonder if she hasn't become so isolated that she wallows in emotional extremes. It's time to build a network of caregivers and figure out the legal side of things - power of attorney/Mandate in anticipation of incapacity.

[methodwriter85]

So, this is a long story but I'll try to make it as brief as possible.

I live with my mom. My sister used to live with us, but she and her daughter moved off to the opposite American coast about three years ago. Even though she moved, she has basically left her car and a LOT of her belongings in the house, taking things back to California with her bit by bit. (A bedroom, the garage, and our basement is just full of her crap.) She also left her car. It's a total beater car with over 160k miles on it and a window that won't stay up if you roll it down.

She's been real bitchy about us using it even though we both work. We had a much more reliable car and pretty much used that when we could. Then my mother got into a car accident in January, and in June she lied to us and told us that there's no more insurance on the car because she can't get verified to live in the state we live in. (We found out later it was total bullshit.) So my mother and I basically worked out a system. It's basically worked this summer.

Then, our car got totaled in an accident this August.  My mom begged my sister to let her drive the car, but my sister basically told her not until she gives her 800 dollars for the car. We were able to get a rental, which kept us okay for a week and a half. We were able to get a settlement (4k), which would be enough to get a decent enough car with some tender love and car.

Except now my mom instead plans to buy my sister's car, which she has said multiple times that she doesn't like driving, because my sister doesn't have a job and she needs the money. (My sister, by the way, doesn't have a job because she thought it was okay to travel constantly and take off work.)

I am so, so pissed. I don't care about driving a beater. I even get the reasoning- my mom can use the extra money to pay off her debts. What pisses me off is that my sister is basically getting her way, again, with my mom, who also refuses to confront her about the fact that she's left all of her shit in this house.

I am refusing to do anything involving getting that car put into my mother's name, so yeah. My mom's like, "Oh, just learn how to drive the car and you'll be fine", and it's not about that with me. I don't want to drive it. I will take the fucking bus instead, and my mom will just have to pick me up.

Edited August 15, 2016 by methodwriter85

[BookWoman56]

Let me get this straight: Your sister abandoned her car and a bunch of her belongings at your mom's house three years ago and is now refusing to let your mom drive the car unless your mom pays her $800 for it? I'd be tempted to call your sister and tell her that she owes your mom way more than that for storage fees for the bedroom, garage, and basement space that has been filled up with her crap for three years. I don't know where you are, but in my area, prices range from around $100 to $150 or higher per month for a 10x20-foot storage space, so she's essentially gotten storage that would have cost her a minimum of $3.5K-$5K for free, and that's assuming that all of her crap would fit into one storage space. Failing that, I'd tell her she has a limited amount of time to come get her crap or else it will be donated to charity/hauled off for trash, because you and your mom need the space. If she's going to be enough of an ass to demand money for a car that she has abandoned for three years, then it's time to treat her the same way.  I realize your mom will most likely not agree to either of those scenarios, but I sure as hell would call your sister and give her an earful.

Years ago, I found myself in a similarly sticky situation with my niece and her boyfriend, and what helped for me was putting down everything they had done into writing and explaining that as a result of these actions, they were no longer welcome in my home.  I'm glad to say that since then, she has ditched the boyfriend and straightened up her life, but sometimes putting it in writing can make you feel better and get your point across.

ETA: In addition, my prediction is that your mom will pay the $800 for the car, and then do as you said and use the rest of the settlement to pay off other debt. But that car has been sitting there for 3 years, has a lot of miles, etc., and was probably not taken care of very well prior to that. So within a fairly short time, the car will most likely break down and need major repairs, leaving your mom in a situation of then having to shell out more money to fix it or spend additional money on a car in better shape.

Edited August 16, 2016 by BookWoman56

[backformore]

I agree with Bookwoman.  I would not pay money for a car that has basically been abandoned.  Your mom should just drive it anyway, and tell your sister to turn over the title or else come and get it.  Eventually the car will break down, and someone will have to pay for it to be towed away. 

Some families will completely enable one sibling, at the expense of others.   I've had that happen to me numerous times.   Long ago, we had bought an inexpensive starter home, just before housing prices started going up.  After a few years and two kids, we decided to move up to a bigger place.  Putting our first house on the market, I got pressure from my parents to sell my house to my (loser)  brother at a low price.   My mom could not understand my reluctance to do this, she thought I was being selfish.  Yeah, I'm selling a house, and I want as much money as possible from it, so I can put that money into a bigger place.  Hubby and I were working our asses off,  we were far from wealthy.  And my brother never even talked to us about it, he had my mom do it.  I told her he was free to contact a realtor and make an offer, which he never did.  I'm reasonably certain that she intended to put up the money for him.

[methodwriter85]

23 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

Let me get this straight: Your sister abandoned her car and a bunch of her belongings at your mom's house three years ago and is now refusing to let your mom drive the car unless your mom pays her $800 for it? I'd be tempted to call your sister and tell her that she owes your mom way more than that for storage fees for the bedroom, garage, and basement space that has been filled up with her crap for three years...

Really good summation.

Well, two other sisters (I have three sisters; I'm the only boy) basically told my mother that she was being a complete idiot, and that pushed her over into actually getting another car. She wound up spending about $2,600 on an 10-year old economy Chevy Bolt coupe car- it's nothing fancy and it's got around 127k miles on it, but it seems like it was kept up pretty well and there's good gas mileage on it. It's not as good as the car we lost, but it seems like it will be good for our purposes. And my mom still has a little bit of money to spend on bills.

One sister pointed out how fucked up it was that she lied about the insurance to get my mom to stop driving the car. The other sister pointed out that the car is just flat out terrible with a lot wrong with it. Then she also pointed out that this sister was intending to use the car when she visits home next month...so...yeah.

[MargeGunderson]

Glad your sisters backed you up and it seems to have worked out. Sometimes it takes multiple voices to get through.

[methodwriter85]

Well, it wasn't even backing up. All three of us independently thought it was just a bad, bad idea.

I mean, the car we got (it's a no-frills Chevy Cobalt Coupe with manual windows) isn't the best car in the world, but it does so far seems like it drives well. It's a downgrade from the one I shared with my mother (a Chevy Malibu), but I don't feel like the car is about to explode the way I do in my sister's car. (Pontiac. God, they're crap.)

Edited August 18, 2016 by methodwriter85

[bmasters9]

On 5/18/2015 at 6:21 PM, DeLurker said:

I had told my ex that if he wanted to name our son his name, that was fine.  Anything else had to be negotiated.  My son is a III which is unfortunate for someone without a trust fund!

Useless trivia: Jim Nantz of CBS Sports (who has been there 30 years going on 31) is really Jim Nantz III (his late father was named Jim Nantz, Jr., BTW). Just wondered if you knew that.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Nantz

[DeLurker]

@Treehugger - a very belated reply to your post.  I can kind of relate to your feelings about having photos taken, but I can also get why others in your family may not be able to connect the dots.  Perhaps having someone you trust experiment with taking pictures of you - that gives you control and perhaps you will find a pose or position where you can feel okay with pictures being taken.  Maybe candid photos are the best - ones where you are involved with something else and relaxed? 

And don't decide on whether a photo is unacceptable straight off - give it some time.  You may find different settings, lighting, colors, makeup, etc...make a difference.  And share your feelings with your husband (!) and daughter.  They need to understand that this isn't simply vanity and that they need to run interference for you, especially if it is your husband's family that is making a fuss.

It sounds as if you have been through a lot in the past couple of years and are struggling to regain your balance.  Are you seeing a therapist?  No offense is intended, but learning to adjust and navigate to the "new" normal is a difficult undertaking.

[Treehugger]

@DeLurker, I'm open to all responses, even the belated responses!  Thank you!

My daughters and my husband are allowed to take photos of me because I can trust that the photos are meant only for them and aren't shared on social media.  I still don't like it that photos are taken but that has been a problem for me long before the alopecia,  so I have a history of grinning and bearing it!  My family is really the best, and I couldn't ask for a better support system than my daughters and my husband.  Thank you for understanding, DeLurker, that this reluctance isn't about vanity, but it's about security, emotional well being, and attempting some measure of control.

The good news is that I am seeing a therapist.  Adjusting to my new normal involves a multitude of reinforcements.  PTV and Everything Else has done a lot to help me already; it's a great group of "friendly neighbors who've never met" and I've come out of my shell enough for an INFJ to make some postings.  Progress!

[rcc]

Dealing with a sibling who can do no wrong in mother's eyes is a universal problem. In my case the sibling is a phony who plays the game in front of relatives and mother while in reality is an alcoholic, mean drunk and her kids and husband have to walk on eggshells around her or she will blow. But to the relatives she is so damn caring and unselfish. Her in-laws are fooled too. Her life is one big acting job.

[DeLurker]

I think the biggest victims are her kids.  What an awful way to grow up.

[rcc]

One is just like her. The other two seem oblivious but I wonder how they really feel and tell their best friends. The husband is a wimp.

[Miss Dee]

Sociopaths: the cockroaches of human society.

[AgentRXS]

My brother is working hm my last nerve.  He lives in Georgia, my sister and I live in South Florida.  We don't get to see our brother often--once every 5 years if we are lucky. This past July, he insisted on coming down on a week that he chose without consulting anyone in the family on whether it would be a good time for us to clear our schedules to spend time with him.  As it turned out, it was actually a terrible week for me. I was going through a horrible experience with my now-ex and my car had just been totaled in an accident. Despite trying to deal with an ex acting crazy and trying to look for a new car, I still went out of my way to make time for him. He doesn't drive so I chauffeured him and his gf (who was scared to drive in the big city) everywhere.  He was here a week and I saw him at least 4 out of 7 days. My sister saw him once. When I called him to make sure he got home ok, he said "Boy, it was so nice to see Jen. It was the highlight of the week. It was ok seeing you, but man, seeing Jen was everything".At that point, I had it emotionally, and politely informed him that next time he can just rely on my sister to do for him since she's so wonderful. I explained that I was going through a very rough time and still tried to make time/do for him and the least I could have gotten was a "Thank you sis".   He said nothing. We hadn't really spoke since then. I still saw him on FB and such.

Anyway, last week,  some strange # calls my phone at least once a day the whole week asking for him, and the person leaving the message explicitly stated that my brother is the one who said  my #  was a good contact # to reach him. I tried calling my brother to find out wtf was going on but noticed that the call went straight to voicemail. Come to find out he had blocked my number because it rang when my sister called. So I messaged him on FB that I am receiving calls from  a strange # repeatedly from a person looking for him and I would appreciate  it if he would not give out my phone # without my permission. So in return, he blocks me on FB and unfollows me on Instagram. Now I'm pissed that he feels he has the right to violate my privacy by giving out my #, and then blocking me from contacting him so he can't be held responsible for his actions. What an asshole. 

[Jaded]

I'm so sorry AgentRXS. It's stories like those that make me glad I was an only child at times.

[DeLurker]

@AgentRXS - Wow.  I wouldn't have had the nerve to say anything to him, but I am so glad (and impressed.  and envious.) that you did.  The only thing I can say based on what you wrote is he has some serious social skills deficits and it sounds like there is some charge he is getting letting this play out on social media.  It is unfortunate, but try not to invest anymore time or emotion into this.  The energy it takes just deducts from what you have available to you to enrich your life.  And if the past is any indication, you are in the clear for 5ish years.

Having grown up and lived in South Florida until I was 28, it is absolutely nuts to drive down there now.  The last thing the road needs is a driver who is scared out of her mind on the road.  That being said, uber? Taxi?  Metrorail?  Feet?  All options they should look into before the next visit.

[rcc]

People without siblings sometimes complain that they grew up lonely and wished they had a sister or brother to play with. With the favoritism by mother and entitled and selfish sisters I have I wish I had grown up an only child.

The old saying, "You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends" is so true.

[Bastet]

Quote

People without siblings sometimes complain that they grew up lonely and wished they had a sister or brother to play with.

I don't remember every moment of my childhood, obviously, but I don't think I ever wanted a sibling.  I always thought being an only child was perfect -- I had friends in the neighborhood to play with whenever I wanted, but I never had to have anyone around when I didn't.  And I've never been one to feel lonely, with or without people around, as I really enjoy being alone.   

Plus, it was nice and quiet at home without having a sibling (plus, sometimes, their friends) around.  My best friend is one of three kids, and her house was so overwhelming to me sometimes. 

She and I met when we were five, became part of each others' families, and are still best friends.  The one aspect of life I can imagine it being better to have a sibling is after my parents are gone, to have someone I can have "Remember how Dad used to ..." and "What about that time Mom ..." conversations with.  But my best friend was around for so much of it, I'll always have someone to reminisce with.

[AgentRXS]

LOL It gets better. My sister was curious and bit the bullet to find out why this person has been harassing us. Turns out my brother took out a loan and used us (and my dad) as references and now he's not paying up. And my sister also said that once she found this out, she called my brother and he blocked her too. Our dad (not his father) is also blocked.

Re: siblings. My sister and I are only 2 years apart in age. She was my parent's (and their friends) favorite and I am my grandmother's favorite. We fought like hell as kids. I didn't appreciate having a sister until we became adults. My brother is 9 years younger than me. The age gap between us meant that I never really had a close relationship with him. I was a self-absorbed teen who made little time for him as a kid. When he was a teen, I barely saw him because I was working and hanging out with my friends in my 20s.

I was a shy, introverted kid with very little friends (I am sure that I would be diagnosed with some social behavior disorder if I was in school today). My favorite memories as a kid are the times when it was just me and my grandma (who raised me for about 50% of my childhood). I definitely would have preferred to be an only child back then.

[Bastet]

Quote

My brother is 9 years younger than me. The age gap between us meant that I never really had a close relationship with him. I was a self-absorbed teen who made little time for him as a kid. When he was a teen, I barely saw him because I was working and hanging out with my friends in my 20s.

My mom is also an only child, while my dad is one of eight (one died as a toddler).  My dad has always said his family felt like it was split into two families; by the time the younger half of the siblings (which includes him, although he's pretty close to the middle) were old enough to really be involved with what was going on, much of the older half were off on their own already (this was a dirt poor family in a tiny town; you got married if you were a girl or went off to work if you were a boy before high school even ended much of the time; my dad is the only one who went to college).  So he has this huge family in another state, and we visited every few years, but some of my aunts and uncles (and the resulting cousins) I never really knew because he didn't know them all that well despite sharing parents with them.  (The three who are left are the third-oldest, my dad at number five and the second-youngest.  They're all close now, but it was not always so.)

Incidentally, the disparity in family size has always been amusing to me, in that when my parents discussed marriage my dad said he wanted four kids, and my mom said no way in hell, but she'd be happy with two.  They agreed on that, got married, took six years to have me, and agreed, "You know what, one is good."  Thank you, Mom and Dad!