Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[Quof]

If it was boxed up 2 years ago, and never missed, it clearly isn't needed. Chuck it.

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, Quof said:

If it was boxed up 2 years ago, and never missed, it clearly isn't needed. Chuck it.

That's not how my mom works.
I uncovered Tupperware pieces she forgot she had (and that I had no idea existed) and those weren't allowed to go in the donate or trash boxes, they had to be put in the cabinet just in case.

[PRgal]

I might be showing my privilege here, but my mom is obsessed with HOW I need to find hired help.  Like, she thinks my soon-to-be-born child needs two nannies.  One for the week and another "on call" sitter for weekends when my husband and I are out.  WWWHHHHHAAAAA?????!!!  Okay, I get that I have epilepsy and that things can "happen" any time, but what's the point in having a child if my husband and I don't even get to bond with the baby???  And why can't they babysit on weekends?

[Quof]

32 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

I uncovered Tupperware pieces she forgot she had

Your mistake was telling her you found them : ) 

How about unpacking the boxes out of her sight, and discarding a large portion of the contents, or even entire boxes?  When we downsized my Smother several years ago, from the large house we moved into 35 years earlier, I was brutal with tossing stuff.  She sat and watched, but knew she couldn't physically do it herself, so she was at my mercy.  "What are your doing with this?  Why do you still have this?   Why do you have 4 of these?  Why do you have enough mismatched and broken Christmas ornaments to decorate 4 houses? Why are you keeping this thing that belongs to some one else - put it by the door, the next time they visit or you drive past their house, you can return it."  

Then she wanted to have a yard sale with the detritus that she was parting with. I told her, if she thought some one would give her 10 cents for a piece of her garbage, she could have at it, but I was not helping in any way.  

Edited July 8, 2018 by Quof

[theredhead77]

@Quof not going to happen. She can unpack them when she's motivated to.

Years ago my dad and I tossed a ton of crap that she saving because she was "going to have a garage sale". Before I moved I spent an afternoon with her throwing out more crap that would have been fine if it were sold back when she was "going to have a garage sale" (now 15+ years ago). Clothing that would have been fine then had since been degraded over time. She's the woman who brings boxes and boxes of books no one wants to the library for them to sell. No amount of conversation would get her to see the library didn't want these dusty, mildewy paperback books and they would just end up in the trash.

Apparently my crib was still in the rafters in the garage (no attic). And she wanted to donate it. Uh, no. That thing is nearly 42 years old. In addition to the safety standards with bars and gaps, it's probably covered in lead paint! Trash!

I get it, throwing out stuff that seems good to you but no one else would want is hard. I finally convinced her to donate sheets and towels to the animal shelter, no other organizations would use them, they would all be thrown away. Same thing with luggage - donate the good stuff to a shelter and I really emphasized that these people have next to nothing and donating crap is not going to help their situation.

Regardless, I can't toss things without her knowing or without her (or my dads approval) and I won't.

Edited July 8, 2018 by theredhead77

[BookWoman56]

After what feels like an eternity of having to send off for various certified documents, I was able this past week to get my mother an official state-issued photo ID (at least a temporary printout, as the actual card will arrive in a couple of weeks, supposedly). Just to recap, the situation was my mother had been in an assisted living facility for a few years prior to my oldest sister's death in early April, and for various reasons, the only viable solution after her death was for me to move my mother from the assisted living facility in FL to live with me here in TX. While she was in the facility, all of her ID disappeared; the facility had photocopies of a few items, including an expired drivers license, but photocopies are no damn good when you are trying to get new official ID. This whole process has entailed (1) sending off for her birth certificate, which turned out not to have her actual name on it, (2) submitting an affidavit (that required me to submit my own birth certificate, which had to have been issued more than 5 years ago) to have her name added to her birth certificate, (3) getting the corrected birth certificate, (4) going to the Social Security office with my other older sister and my mother, and finally being able to convince the agent there that my mother was who we said she was and for him to order a new SS card and Medicare card, (5) going to the drivers license office with birth certificate, SS card, Medicare card, and proof of residency, only to be told we needed a copy of her marriage license to document her name changing from the maiden name on her birth certificate to her married name on her SS and Medicare cards, (6) sending off for the damn marriage license, and (7) making a second trip to the drivers license office to get the state ID. This was also not a cheap process; between the two birth certificates, affidavit, and marriage license, I've spent at least $200 in fees and handling/shipping charges. But at least it's done, and I was able on Saturday to open a new bank account for her. Now I just need to call the SSA and spend a couple of hours on hold to get them to change her direct deposit from the old account, which had been compromised, to the new account.

This has all been a cautionary tale on the importance of both not losing ID for parents/self, and keeping ID up to date. Had my mother's drivers license expired recently, I could have simply renewed it and avoided a lot of the hassle here, but it had been expired so long that renewal was not an option. I wish my deceased sister had gotten a state ID for my mother at the point that her drivers license was going to expire, but she apparently assumed that my mother would be in the assisted living facility for the rest of her life, and that it wouldn't matter. That same assumption was also in place regarding some of my mother's stuff, and so things were given to extended family members or family friends, and in some cases donated or trashed, and my mother is seriously pissed that a lot of things she assumed were still in storage are not to be found. So, @theredhead77, IMO you're doing the right thing to not get rid of your mother's stuff behind her back. Maybe she'll decide on her own to get rid of some of the stuff, but to play devil's advocate here, it would seriously piss me off if either my mother or my kids came into my house and randomly decided that I no longer needed certain items, and just got rid of them. Just because someone is old doesn't mean that others are entitled to throw away that person's personal belongings. That said, it's not your responsibility to unpack her crap or do other chores around the house that should be her and/or your dad's responsibility. 

Edited July 9, 2018 by BookWoman56

[theredhead77]

12 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

So, @theredhead77, IMO you're doing the right thing to not get rid of your mother's stuff behind her back. Maybe she'll decide on her own to get rid of some of the stuff, but to play devil's advocate here, it would seriously piss me off if either my mother or my kids came into my house and randomly decided that I no longer needed certain items, and just got rid of them. Just because someone is old doesn't mean that others are entitled to throw away that person's personal belongings. That said, it's not your responsibility to unpack her crap or do other chores around the house that should be her and/or your dad's responsibility. 

Oh, I won't be. If she wants me to help her clean out the garage she knows she also has to agree to tossing all these useless, empty boxes that are just creating a fire hazard. My mom has serious hoarding tendencies and I pick my battles carefully. For example: they bought a nice mattress topper to go on top of the bed they got for me. The mattress topper is a standard size while the bed is an IKEA size. My mom had their handyman cut down the topper and now she is insisting on keeping the 3in by 6ft piece of foam for some reason. I had it in my hands at the trash can and nope, it's back in the garage, much to my dads dismay. I think I'm going to get him to toss it when she goes out of town.

The one thing I will throw out is old, long expired food. She had real Kona coffee from our trip to Hawaii (20 years ago). It wasn't vacuum sealed anymore and I'm certain it wasn't good. Into the trash. Same with her metal tins of Shillings seasonings (I did find a website that dated the tins). When I was a in my early 20s my dad and I found boxes and boxes of good chocolates that she had stashed for 'some day'. Not only had the sugar bloomed, making the outside unappealing (though in theory, fine) the candy was so old it was stale.

[Brookside]

On 7/9/2018 at 9:40 AM, theredhead77 said:

Oh, I won't be. If she wants me to help her clean out the garage she knows she also has to agree to tossing all these useless, empty boxes that are just creating a fire hazard. My mom has serious hoarding tendencies and I pick my battles carefully. For example: they bought a nice mattress topper to go on top of the bed they got for me. The mattress topper is a standard size while the bed is an IKEA size. My mom had their handyman cut down the topper and now she is insisting on keeping the 3in by 6ft piece of foam for some reason. I had it in my hands at the trash can and nope, it's back in the garage, much to my dads dismay. I think I'm going to get him to toss it when she goes out of town.

 

One gem my in-laws moved across country and between several homes was a box of used typewriter ribbons.

[riley702]

Not sure whether to grr or giggle...

[Hero]

I have my nieces and nephews visiting, is it terrible of me to want them to go home? They are 13 and younger. They are well- behaved, but they talk so much. Everytime there is silence, they have to fill it up with asking a million questions or make unnecessary commentary on things. 

I really like my quiet, since I rarely get any. 

[DeLurker]

It doesn't make you terrible - just human.  Take it as a sign of interest that they have questions. I'm pretty sure most adults don't generate enough interest to warrant a question.  I'm guessing your answers reflect that you are taking their questions seriously and not talking down to them.

Most kids these days have access to so many electronic diversions, that if they were bored, they would be plugged in and quiet.

[PRgal]

My mom is getting on my nerves about how to raise a baby.  Don't wipes because they can irritate a baby's skin (I've found ones which are 99.9% water).  Make sure your surrogate is eating this, not that (and this goes beyond the standard "no runny cheese, alcohol, sushi, etc..." rules) - and no, I'm not hounding her to go on a special organic diet.  Not when she has a husband and two kids.  Don't buy this kind of diaper or that kind of formula.  Get two cribs (if you want a crib at your place, get it yourself).   *UGH*

Edited July 28, 2018 by PRgal

[BookWoman56]

This weekend I ended up buying a second vehicle, a minivan, for a few reasons. One is that it's big enough for my mother's wheelchair to fit easily in the back. Another is that for the past several months, I've been stuck with chauffeur duty to pick up my grandson from after school care; my son's schedule is 11 am - 8 pm, so he's never off before the day care closes, and my DIL doesn't have a drivers license yet, and on top of that, she works retail so is often working until 9 pm or so. This past semester, my daughter had mostly not had to use a car because her BF has been able to take her to classes and her work was at the same campus, and their schedules for both classes and work aligned enough that it wasn't a huge deal. This semester, though, no such luck, unless she's willing to go to campus and wait around for several hours before her first class, and then not have a way to get from class (which is at new campus) to work (still at old campus).  There is essentially no public transportation that comes out quite this far, and even using Uber or Lyft on a regular basis is cost-prohibitive. So, the lesser of evils was to get another vehicle. And in general I'm okay with it, because it will definitely come in handy. 

What I'm not okay with is just feeling tired all the damn time. Between my regular job, plus being caregiver for my mother, plus picking up and babysitting my 5-year-old grandson, I rarely get time for myself. My son has just been converted from contract worker to regular FTE, so in the near future I'm going to tell him that he needs to alter his shift so that he gets off in time to pick up his son and take care of him. It will cause some logistical problems, as he is taking my DIL to work, and her work normally doesn't begin until at least 10 am, so he would have to drop  her off very early for him to get to work by 8 am, but the bottom line here is that they are younger and more easily able to adapt to schedule changes than I am able to handle working my regular job from 8 am to around 5 pm and then turning into chauffeur/babysitter from 5:15 pm until 9 or 10 pm four nights a week, plus keeping my mother fed and medicated on an ongoing basis. 

My mother swings wildly between days where she's completely lucid and days where she does and says BSC stuff all day long. Today I glanced into her closet and noticed what appeared to be a bag of dry dog food sitting on a shelf in her closet. I texted my daughter, whose dogs would normally eat that food, and she had no idea why the bag was in the closet. I asked my mother about it, and she responded that she hadn't put it there, and it must have been me, my daughter, or her BF who put it there. I opened the bag (one of those zipper tops) and discovered that it did not contain dog food (which makes sense because we normally dump the dry dog food into a large plastic covered container), and instead it was 2/3 full of literal trash from my mother's bathroom, such as an empty jar of face cream, used tissues, etc. And of course my mother is still insisting that she has no idea of how the trash ended up in the dog food bag or in her closet. There are days when she would have realized she must have done it herself and forgotten about it, and laughed at the incident. Today instead she was pretty defensive and just couldn't understand why one of us would have gotten her trash from her bathroom and stuck it into this bag, then placed it on her closet shelf. 

On a weekly basis, I find myself telling both my daughter and son, "When I get to the point that I don't know what the hell I'm doing and am driving everybody around me nuts, just keep me doped up enough that I am not making you doubt your own sanity."

[Bastet]

2 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

but the bottom line here is that they are younger and more easily able to adapt to schedule changes than I am able to handle working my regular job from 8 am to around 5 pm and then turning into chauffeur/babysitter from 5:15 pm until 9 or 10 pm four nights a week, plus keeping my mother fed and medicated on an ongoing basis. 

That, and it's their jobs, educations, and kid, not yours.  It's terrific that you help out, but providing daily daycare for 4-5 hours is beyond help, and that's before adding in your job and your role as caregiver to your mom. 

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in with your mom's health; I know it's exhausting, and at times frustrating, maddening, and/or frightening.  And it's only going to get worse, so be sure to regularly re-evaluate what you are capable of handling.

I hope you get some time to yourself soon; it's vital!

[DeLurker]

@BookWoman56 - very sorry to hear your mom's state varies so widely.  It makes it exponentially difficult because the needs of each day can be vastly different that the prior. 

Did your son & his wife discuss before this whole routine started whether you were able to and willing to help 4 out of 5* days of the school week?  And what is their "plan" for his care over the school holidays?  By 9 or 10 at night, a 5 year old needs to have eaten his dinner, had his bath & be asleep.    That is different than you just watching him for a few hours.

I suspect you've been ok with things initially as they got themselves established, but clearly this is not a viable long term plan for you.  Especially if you have to worry about your Mom's condition at the same time - is it safe to leave her alone while you go pick up your grandson?  If it is, what happens when she is in a state where you can't?   The mechanics of getting her in and out of the car for a pick up is an unnecessary burden on both of you and that has to be a bundle of fun when you are dealing with temps just south of 100* on a regular basis.  Have they made any effort to get your DIL her license like have her taking driving classes & getting practice in? 

I'd probably tell them that by X they need to have come up with alternative childcare and transportation.

*changed the number of days because school is only 5 days a week, so 80% of the time they are relying on you for care.

[BookWoman56]

@Bastet and @DeLurker, thanks for the feedback. It's good to get an outside perspective on this situation. At the point I started doing the chauffeur/babysitting duty, my mother was still in FL at the assisted living facility; this was several months prior to my oldest sister dying, which set off a chain reaction of events. At the time the babysitting started, we discussed it but my son had been seriously underemployed for several months, and when he got the offer for a full-time job, he jumped at it with my encouragement even though we all knew there would be some logistical issues. But I did regard it as a more or less temporary solution, and one which would change after they got more established with both of them working full-time. It was just a cascade of events: they closed on their house a couple of days after Christmas, and my son started the full-time job the Monday after they closed on the house. They've had some major expenses such as getting furniture, because shipping their old furniture over here from Hong Kong was much too expensive. So I've made allowances for that. I pick my grandson up from after-school care, spend some time reading to him, make him something to eat, either full dinner or something lighter but healthy, and also let him entertain himself part of the time. He's perfectly capable of playing quietly for a while by himself.  The after school care place is open during normal school holidays, such as summer break and winter break; they are closed only on federal holidays, for which my son would be off work.

I think there's also some differences in family dynamics as well. In Hong Kong, my DIL's mother was available to babysit whenever needed; she worked part-time and so could babysit, cook dinner and feed him, etc., while my son and DIL worked late shifts. So it's like they were in the habit of relying on a grandparent to solve babysitting needs on a daily basis, and that perception that I should be willing to provide the same level of babysitting has carried over. Not helping the situation is that I work from home, and a lot of people, even if only subconsciously, think that anyone working from home is not really working. 

I have pretty much decided to give them a deadline for a month from now to make alternative arrangements for babysitting for at least a couple of nights a week. Right now my DIL tends to have a day off during the week, such as Monday or Thursday, so on those days I just pick up my grandson and drop him off with her. She has taken driving lessons and was making some progress toward getting her license, but a few months ago she lost control of the car while merging onto a local highway and totaled the car, so they had to buy a new car. She has her learner's permit and is continuing to practice, but the accident freaked her out and she's still hesitant about taking her driving test. On top of that, the fortune-teller she consults on an ongoing basis has told her that she probably won't be able to get her drivers license this year, and while I try to respect cultural differences, it's hard for me to keep from laughing when she brings that up. But overall, with the added responsibility of dealing with my mother, it's become clear to me that I can handle babysitting one or two evenings a week, but not four or five. 

My mother's situation is just something I take one day at a time. I know her condition will deteriorate; her mother lived to be 99 but had extreme dementia the last 3 years of her life. For now I'm focusing on making sure she's taken care of, and now that I have finally gotten her state photo ID, I'm looking into some senior centers so that I can take her there for a half day a couple of times a week or so. She is fine to be by herself long enough for me to go pick up my grandson. She can almost always get herself out of the bed into the wheelchair, and vice versa, and she goes to the bathroom by herself. I had grab bars installed in the downstairs bathrooms and also by her bed. She makes her own coffee in the morning and can usually make her own sandwich or whatever for lunch; I make her dinner every night. My daughter and her BF also tend to be here off and on each day, and if there is a need for me to be gone longer than an hour, they can usually stay with my mother, or else they go do the errand that was going to take me out of the house. 

Overall, yes, I'm feeling overwhelmed but I'm also still making plans for how to lessen my responsibilities. It's kind of like being in one of those 12-step programs, where the first task is admitting you have a problem. I know this situation can't continue much longer, so I'm figuring out my priorities and which responsibilities I need to let go of to retain my physical and mental health. 

[backformore]

@BookWoman56  WOW!  You are truly taking care of EVERYONE.  

I think it's important to remember that if YOU can't do something for someone else, it doesn't mean that YOU are responsible for an alternative plan.  taking care of an elderly parent, in addition to working a job, is very stressful.  Make a realistic plan as to what you are willing to do for your son and DIL, let them know the end date of the current arrangement, and stick to it.   the first person you need to take care of is yourself.  You've raised your kids, it's time for them to raise their kids.  You've taken on the responsibility of caring for your mom, that is a lot.   When your grandson visits, you want to be able to enjoy him and relax, not be stressed out by juggling all the different roles you've taken on.  

Make a plan, stick to your guns, and let them know that you are not able to keep up the pace that you have been.   its not fair that they expect you to.

 

I have a sister and a sister-in-law who are always asking me "don't you want your sons to give you grandchildren?"   I look at their lives, and say no, not in a million years do I want the life that these grandmothers have.  they have quit jobs and  taken on the roles of being nannies - taking the kids to school, picking them up, making lunches, taking them to activities, etc.  and a lot of times, sitting the kids in front of the TV so they can pay bills, clean house, make dinner, etc.  One sister-in-law has decided to quit being the caretaker, and her son and DIL complain to her about the cost of daycare.   Yeah, but when you've worked and are in your 60's, maybe you don't want to be picking up toys and wiping noses all day.   Don't get me wrong, I'll be an awesome  grandma if it ever happens.  But only on my days off. 

[PRgal]

3 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

@Bastet and @DeLurker, thanks for the feedback. It's good to get an outside perspective on this situation. At the point I started doing the chauffeur/babysitting duty, my mother was still in FL at the assisted living facility; this was several months prior to my oldest sister dying, which set off a chain reaction of events. At the time the babysitting started, we discussed it but my son had been seriously underemployed for several months, and when he got the offer for a full-time job, he jumped at it with my encouragement even though we all knew there would be some logistical issues. But I did regard it as a more or less temporary solution, and one which would change after they got more established with both of them working full-time. It was just a cascade of events: they closed on their house a couple of days after Christmas, and my son started the full-time job the Monday after they closed on the house. They've had some major expenses such as getting furniture, because shipping their old furniture over here from Hong Kong was much too expensive. So I've made allowances for that. I pick my grandson up from after-school care, spend some time reading to him, make him something to eat, either full dinner or something lighter but healthy, and also let him entertain himself part of the time. He's perfectly capable of playing quietly for a while by himself.  The after school care place is open during normal school holidays, such as summer break and winter break; they are closed only on federal holidays, for which my son would be off work.

I think there's also some differences in family dynamics as well. In Hong Kong, my DIL's mother was available to babysit whenever needed; she worked part-time and so could babysit, cook dinner and feed him, etc., while my son and DIL worked late shifts. So it's like they were in the habit of relying on a grandparent to solve babysitting needs on a daily basis, and that perception that I should be willing to provide the same level of babysitting has carried over. Not helping the situation is that I work from home, and a lot of people, even if only subconsciously, think that anyone working from home is not really working. 

I have pretty much decided to give them a deadline for a month from now to make alternative arrangements for babysitting for at least a couple of nights a week. Right now my DIL tends to have a day off during the week, such as Monday or Thursday, so on those days I just pick up my grandson and drop him off with her. She has taken driving lessons and was making some progress toward getting her license, but a few months ago she lost control of the car while merging onto a local highway and totaled the car, so they had to buy a new car. She has her learner's permit and is continuing to practice, but the accident freaked her out and she's still hesitant about taking her driving test. On top of that, the fortune-teller she consults on an ongoing basis has told her that she probably won't be able to get her drivers license this year, and while I try to respect cultural differences, it's hard for me to keep from laughing when she brings that up. But overall, with the added responsibility of dealing with my mother, it's become clear to me that I can handle babysitting one or two evenings a week, but not four or five. 

My mother's situation is just something I take one day at a time. I know her condition will deteriorate; her mother lived to be 99 but had extreme dementia the last 3 years of her life. For now I'm focusing on making sure she's taken care of, and now that I have finally gotten her state photo ID, I'm looking into some senior centers so that I can take her there for a half day a couple of times a week or so. She is fine to be by herself long enough for me to go pick up my grandson. She can almost always get herself out of the bed into the wheelchair, and vice versa, and she goes to the bathroom by herself. I had grab bars installed in the downstairs bathrooms and also by her bed. She makes her own coffee in the morning and can usually make her own sandwich or whatever for lunch; I make her dinner every night. My daughter and her BF also tend to be here off and on each day, and if there is a need for me to be gone longer than an hour, they can usually stay with my mother, or else they go do the errand that was going to take me out of the house. 

Overall, yes, I'm feeling overwhelmed but I'm also still making plans for how to lessen my responsibilities. It's kind of like being in one of those 12-step programs, where the first task is admitting you have a problem. I know this situation can't continue much longer, so I'm figuring out my priorities and which responsibilities I need to let go of to retain my physical and mental health. 

This makes ME laugh too...and I have a Hong Kong/Chinese background.  The only people who see these types of fortune tellers I know are over 75 years old!  I really hope you and your family work things out.  My grandmother had dementia for the last few years of her life and it was very tough on my mother (she ended up finding private care for her), especially because my uncle lives in another part of the country and wasn't really able to help directly.  Otherwise, I don't think I have any additional advice other than wishing you and your family well.

Question:  Did your son arrange a 11-8 shift so he could do morning family duty (e.g. drive your grandson to school/camp/daycare)?  If your DIL doesn't need to be at work before 9:30 (I don't know what time school starts where you are), would it be possible for her to do morning duty (not sure if school is walkable) so your son could do PM duty if he, say, works 7-3 (again, I'm not sure what time school ends for 5 year olds where you are.  Kindergarten is full day here)?  

Edited August 21, 2018 by PRgal

[DeLurker]

2 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

Overall, yes, I'm feeling overwhelmed but I'm also still making plans for how to lessen my responsibilities. It's kind of like being in one of those 12-step programs, where the first task is admitting you have a problem.

I'm glad you are recognizing that it is an overwhelming situation that needs to change.  Sometimes we don't realize that until we are so burnt out that it is almost too late.

If driving isn't in the works for your DIL this year, then Uber expenses should be.

[Mindthinkr]

20 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

If driving isn't in the works for your DIL this year, then Uber expenses should be.

If she states that she can’t afford it then gently tell her that she could if she drops the fortune teller expenses.  

[BookWoman56]

I'm not entirely sure what time school starts; it's actually kindergarten this year, and I know they don't get out until 4 pm. Essentially, my son was assigned the 11-8 shift he currently has while he was a contractor, but he's been able to switch on a temporary basis to an 8-5 shift occasionally. So at this point he's leaving pretty early to take his son to kindergarten, and generally coming back home to pick up his wife and drop her off at work on his way to work. Right now it's not an option for the DIL to take their son to kindergarten; it's not a walkable distance by any stretch of the imagination. Next year will be different, as a new elementary school is under construction that is literally half a block from their house. But this is TX, and the school system here operates under the assumption that everybody has transportation and a drivers license. The school he attends is part of some experimental program, and so IIRC they do not offer normal school bus service. My grandson began attending pre-K at this school because when he first moved here, he spoke some English but generally not complete sentences; he spoke Cantonese pretty well but that didn't do him any good in the schools here. His English has improved dramatically in the last year, so I don't think there would be any communication issues at this point.

If my son is able to get his shift changed, then I think it's going to come down to the DIL having to either deal with having to go to work much earlier than she needs to be there, because she would need to be dropped off before 8 am, or having to pay for an Uber ($28 one-way to/from her work) to get to work. If my son is not able to get his shift changed, then they will need to find someone who can babysit a couple of days a week. I don't mind picking up my grandson from after school care, as it gives me some much-needed time alone in the car on the way to get him, but they would need to find a reliable babysitter to take care of him a few nights a week. If so, I will suggest that they look online for someone in the neighborhood who might be willing to come to their house, or at a minimum who lives fairly close.

@backformore, I had no real desire to be a grandmother but neither did I have any real opposition to the idea; I figured it was up to my kids to decide. Literally the only rule I had for my kids when they were growing up was that they were not allowed to get married and/or pregnant before age 30. But like you, I have zero desire to give up my entire life simply to take care of a grandchild. I have my own life, with other responsibilities and too many other things I want to do for my own enjoyment, to become a full-time caregiver for a small child. I am not ready in any way to retire from my job, and even if I were, I don't want the commitment of taking care of a child every single day again. I have, for example, promised myself that next spring I am going to take a solo vacation to visit some friends in the Pacific Northwest. It's possible my daughter and her BF will be able to look after my mother, like they just did when I had to travel on business recently, but if not, my company provides a subsidy for up to a week of adult care, so I would just hire someone to come in for a week to look after my mother, and pay a very reduced rate for that week. 

@PRgal, thanks for the comments on the use of fortune-tellers. I don't know enough about Hong Kong culture to know if doing so is common to all age groups or what, but while my DIL is reasonably smart about some things, she is firmly convinced that she has to consult a fortune-teller about any major decision. 

Edited August 21, 2018 by BookWoman56

[auntlada]

4 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

@Bastet
@DeLurker

On top of that, the fortune-teller she consults on an ongoing basis has told her that she probably won't be able to get her drivers license this year,

The fortune teller is probably right because now that she's told your daughter-in-law she won't be able to get it, your daughter-in-law isn't going to try. (I do sympathize with the accident and freaking out, though. That would be hard to deal with and get over.)

Sorry, @Bastet and @DeLurker. I can't take your names out of the quote box even though the part I quoted has nothing to do with replies to you, really.

[MargeGunderson]

@BookWoman56, everbody else has given you good advice, and you have a good plan, so I’ll just say that I’m really impressed with your compassion, generosity, and stamina!

[NutMeg]

On 8/21/2018 at 10:45 PM, BookWoman56 said:

I'm not entirely sure what time school starts; it's actually kindergarten this year, and I know they don't get out until 4 pm. Essentially, my son was assigned the 11-8 shift he currently has while he was a contractor, but he's been able to switch on a temporary basis to an 8-5 shift occasionally. So at this point he's leaving pretty early to take his son to kindergarten, and generally coming back home to pick up his wife and drop her off at work on his way to work. Right now it's not an option for the DIL to take their son to kindergarten; it's not a walkable distance by any stretch of the imagination. Next year will be different, as a new elementary school is under construction that is literally half a block from their house. But this is TX, and the school system here operates under the assumption that everybody has transportation and a drivers license. The school he attends is part of some experimental program, and so IIRC they do not offer normal school bus service. My grandson began attending pre-K at this school because when he first moved here, he spoke some English but generally not complete sentences; he spoke Cantonese pretty well but that didn't do him any good in the schools here. His English has improved dramatically in the last year, so I don't think there would be any communication issues at this point.

If my son is able to get his shift changed, then I think it's going to come down to the DIL having to either deal with having to go to work much earlier than she needs to be there, because she would need to be dropped off before 8 am, or having to pay for an Uber ($28 one-way to/from her work) to get to work. If my son is not able to get his shift changed, then they will need to find someone who can babysit a couple of days a week. I don't mind picking up my grandson from after school care, as it gives me some much-needed time alone in the car on the way to get him, but they would need to find a reliable babysitter to take care of him a few nights a week. If so, I will suggest that they look online for someone in the neighborhood who might be willing to come to their house, or at a minimum who lives fairly close.

@backformore, I had no real desire to be a grandmother but neither did I have any real opposition to the idea; I figured it was up to my kids to decide. Literally the only rule I had for my kids when they were growing up was that they were not allowed to get married and/or pregnant before age 30. But like you, I have zero desire to give up my entire life simply to take care of a grandchild. I have my own life, with other responsibilities and too many other things I want to do for my own enjoyment, to become a full-time caregiver for a small child. I am not ready in any way to retire from my job, and even if I were, I don't want the commitment of taking care of a child every single day again. I have, for example, promised myself that next spring I am going to take a solo vacation to visit some friends in the Pacific Northwest. It's possible my daughter and her BF will be able to look after my mother, like they just did when I had to travel on business recently, but if not, my company provides a subsidy for up to a week of adult care, so I would just hire someone to come in for a week to look after my mother, and pay a very reduced rate for that week. 

@PRgal, thanks for the comments on the use of fortune-tellers. I don't know enough about Hong Kong culture to know if doing so is common to all age groups or what, but while my DIL is reasonably smart about some things, she is firmly convinced that she has to consult a fortune-teller about any major decision. 

I just read your three posts back to back, and I'm truly awed by all you had to deal with and how matter-of-factly you go about it. Indeed, it makes sense that your son and daughter in law adjust to provide for a child-minder that is not you by default, and you're right to schedule vacations, especially with how tough this year has been to you. I'm very impressed at how you're adjusting to all that's been thrown on your lap, and how a magnificent job you seem to be doing to both take care of business and keep your sanity. You're the adult I want to be.... 

[BookWoman56]

4 hours ago, NutMeg said:

I just read your three posts back to back, and I'm truly awed by all you had to deal with and how matter-of-factly you go about it. Indeed, it makes sense that your son and daughter in law adjust to provide for a child-minder that is not you by default, and you're right to schedule vacations, especially with how tough this year has been to you. I'm very impressed at how you're adjusting to all that's been thrown on your lap, and how a magnificent job you seem to be doing to both take care of business and keep your sanity. You're the adult I want to be.... 

Thanks. I know the only way I can deal with things and keep my sanity is to stay as organized as possible; that is, figure out what needs to be done, determine how to do it, and then do it. It helps that I am not someone who gets upset or angry very often, although I've noticed an increase in general irritability. But I swear I am contemplating starting a visual diary of weird stuff my mother brings into her bedroom. Yesterday it was a large metal colander, sitting on top of her dresser. She wants to be helpful and so she often empties the dishwasher and reloads it (although 90% of the time, she can't remember the sequence of buttons to push to start it). I'm guessing she was going to put the colander up, got distracted, laid it down on her dresser, and forgot it was there.

[Stenbeck]

I'm sick of all the family drama. It's way too long and ridiculous to type, but sheesh...I just want to grab my shit, hop on a plane and never see anyone again. 

[Mindthinkr]

20 hours ago, Stenbeck said:

I'm sick of all the family drama. It's way too long and ridiculous to type, but sheesh...I just want to grab my shit, hop on a plane and never see anyone again. 

Don’t give up. Vent your mental puke here. It may save your sanity. 

[PRgal]

A cousin of mine (first cousin, zero times removed) emailed me recently, wishing me a happy birthday and asking how our surrogate was doing/when the baby was due (surro is fine, baby due in November).  I casually mentioned that we've been really busy finalizing everything/our registry and she replied saying "you guys have a registry?"  Am I wrong to interpret it as "YOU GUYS HAVE A REGISTRY??? *Insert eye roll emoji*"?  Like it's WRONG to have one?  It's not like I said "here's our registry, buy something from it" - I would NEVER do that.  But she probably wouldn't even ASK us to begin with (registries aren't "typical" in Chinese culture.  Her sister and I threw her a bridal shower before she got married and you could tell she was uncomfortable with all that lingerie she got.  Sorry, but you weren't registered anywhere, so maybe your friends didn't know??).  It's as if she was shaming me for being too "North American"/un-Chinese rather than for sharing without someone asking/breaking etiquette rules.  Note that this cousin isn't "old."  She's 40!

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

Am I wrong to interpret it as "YOU GUYS HAVE A REGISTRY??? *Insert eye roll emoji*"? 

It's super hard to read tone in email and you know your family best. 

 

That said, it would probably be easier to read it as "oh, cool you have a registry" and respond accordingly.

[PRgal]

2 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

It's super hard to read tone in email and you know your family best. 

 

That said, it would probably be easier to read it as "oh, cool you have a registry" and respond accordingly.

That's possible, but this cousin, despite an Ivy League education and a stint in the world of Wall Street, seems to be a bit...ignorant.  When DH and I first started going out, I mentioned to her that he's Jewish.  Guess what she said next?  "What does that mean?"  (okay, she said it in Cantonese, so it could have meant "What do you mean?"  Still, she was living in Manhattan at the time, so it would have been IMPOSSIBLE for her to NOT have met anyone Jewish. 

[Mindthinkr]

@PRgal You seem to be very invested in what this cousin thinks of you. Do whatever makes you and your husband happy. You are beginning a new family and are welcome to start with new traditions. Of course you will want to integrate some of your Asian ones, as he will want some of his Jewish ones included. You won’t make everyone happy, but what is important is that you both are happy. It will help you to raise a healthy and happy little girl. 

Your cousin may be jealous or she could be passive-aggressive. Don’t let her steal your joy. She knows enough about the world to understand that baby gifts, registries are normal for an American and that baby will be an American first. She will get with the program or maybe not. Don’t allow her to dictate what you do and choose or she’ll be running your life (and your child’s) forever. She needs to get a life of her own where she can do what she wants and run the show. Your life isn’t up for grabs. Be happy despite her. You deserve it. 

[theredhead77]

34 minutes ago, PRgal said:

That's possible, but this cousin, despite an Ivy League education and a stint in the world of Wall Street, seems to be a bit...ignorant.

What I'm saying is you can choose how to interpret her comment. Sure, maybe she meant it with an eyeroll or maybe she didn't. You can't tell through an email. If it were me, I'd choose to interpret it as "oh, cool you have a registry" and proceed with my conversation accordingly. 

[DeLurker]

3 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

Do whatever makes you and your husband happy. You are beginning a new family and are welcome to start with new traditions. Of course you will want to integrate some of your Asian ones, as he will want some of his Jewish ones included. You won’t make everyone happy, but what is important is that you both are happy. It will help you to raise a healthy and happy little girl. 

This seems like an important idea to hold onto.

And educated, even an Ivy League education, does not make one intelligent.  My oldest brother who has one of those Ivy League degrees (astrophysics) and is technically a genius, is severely lacking in someways.  If our Mom asked him to go get her purse off her dresser when we were kids, he would go in her room look on the dresser and if it was not there, he would say "it isn't there".  It might have been on the floor right in front of the dresser, on the bed, in the middle of the bedroom doorway requiring him to literally walk over it...but it was not exactly where she said it was so it was not "there".  He wasn't trying to be difficult, that was just the way his brain was wired.   He's gotten better, but not a lot...

[BookWoman56]

On 9/7/2018 at 5:16 PM, Stenbeck said:

I'm sick of all the family drama. It's way too long and ridiculous to type, but sheesh...I just want to grab my shit, hop on a plane and never see anyone again. 

I used to say that there was a reason I was the sole member of my immediate family (my parents and siblings, that is) to live in TX, and that reason was my desire not to get swept up in the ongoing family drama that a few family members seem to enjoy. I can't say that any longer since I now have my mother with me, but I am still resisting most efforts to ensnare me in family drama. In other news, I will be getting at least some break from the chauffeur/babysitting duties I've been doing most weekday evenings. My son is able to get his schedule changed so he will get off in time to pick up his son; the down side is that his manager can make this change only 2 weeks at a time before my son has to revert back to his current schedule. So it may be 2 weeks of altered schedule, 1 week of regular schedule, and then 2 weeks of altered schedule, etc. He has to be in his current position a longer time to be able to switch schedules permanently. However, at least that gives me some breathing room and in the meantime, he and my DIL can be looking at other options. 

[Mindthinkr]

28 minutes ago, BookWoman56 said:

I used to say that there was a reason I was the sole member of my immediate family (my parents and siblings, that is) to live in TX, and that reason was my desire not to get swept up in the ongoing family drama that a few family members seem to enjoy. I can't say that any longer since I now have my mother with me, but I am still resisting most efforts to ensnare me in family drama. In other news, I will be getting at least some break from the chauffeur/babysitting duties I've been doing most weekday evenings. My son is able to get his schedule changed so he will get off in time to pick up his son; the down side is that his manager can make this change only 2 weeks at a time before my son has to revert back to his current schedule. So it may be 2 weeks of altered schedule, 1 week of regular schedule, and then 2 weeks of altered schedule, etc. He has to be in his current position a longer time to be able to switch schedules permanently. However, at least that gives me some breathing room and in the meantime, he and my DIL can be looking at other options. 

Good. You can get some well needed rest and recharge. I’m so glad that his employer is willing to work with him. 

You are doing a lot for your family and my sincere applause for your efforts. 

[DeLurker]

I get mostly secondhand news about one of my brother's relationships because he lives one house down from my Mom and goes over to vent to Mom about his girlfriend (she lives with him), but then gets all defensive of the gf if my Mom says anything the least bit critical.   Basically, he needs to get stuff off his chest, unloads it on to Mom in a one-way manner and then we talk to work through it.

Basic issue is gf is a gollum - she wants the ring (thank you Seth Meyers).  She's mid 50s, never been married and is desperate to be.  My brother was married for 25+ years, was divorcing before they got married and finally made the break permanently a few years ago.  He loves gf, but knows he is not "in" love with her.  Things were good with gf for quite a while, but she's been pushing harder and harder for the marriage to the point where she'll pack her bags to leave on a weekly basis.  Seriously, there was a point this summer where she had her bag packed for like 2 straight weeks.

My brother has told her to go if she wants to, told her he doesn't want to get married again and if marriage (as an objective) is something she wants, she needs to look elsewhere.  But he does not just break up with her, so it is all up to her.  I think he is such a dumbass because this is not the occasional fight about their future - this is happening 3-5x a week.  Major fights.

[BookWoman56]

@DeLurker, it sounds like both your brother and the gf are engaged in a serious case of wishful thinking: your brother perhaps thinks that either the gf will decide she doesn't want to get married after all, or she'll go ahead and leave, and the gf perhaps thinks that if she issues enough ultimatums, your brother will cave and agree to get married. My guess is this ongoing argument will escalate to the point where the gf decides to move on or your brother decides it's time to end the relationship. I've never been in this kind of situation exactly, but have been in a relationship where it became clear to me that the other person was much more emotionally invested in the relationship than I was. I felt then, and still do, that it was better for me to  end the relationship, even though I still enjoyed most aspects of it, precisely because I didn't want this person to hang on for a long time thinking that we were going to end up married or in a seriously committed relationship, when I knew that was not going to happen. It can be difficult to decide when is the right time to end a relationship, but my attitude on it is that I much prefer to bail before it gets to the point that you despise each other. 

The other disturbing aspect of the situation is the gf being convinced that she needs/wants to get married. I could understand that attitude in someone very young, but she needs to realize that the act of getting married does not magically remove any serious relationship issues. Getting married is not going to make your brother fall in love with her. Marriage, like love, is not a silver bullet that will miraculously cure all relationship issues; if anything, it exacerbates them. Bottom line for me is that if you're in a relationship with problems, you can walk away from it when the problems become insurmountable. When you're married, you have to go through a legal process to be able to extricate yourself without the complications of being legally married to someone. 

[DeLurker]

I love the fact that my kids understand why it can take multiple trips to different stores to obtain a notepad and pen that I like.  My needs are pretty specific because of some physical deficits that give me less than stellar fine motor control on my right hand (formerly my dominate side) so the paper weight, line width and having a solid backing for support while writing all matter significantly.  Add that to my already rather particular preferences for page color/brightness, line thickness and overall aesthetics - shopping for something so simple is like shopping with Goldilocks.  Finding the right pen is slightly easier since most office supply stores have some samples out that you can try.

But my 17 yo daughter totally gets why these things matter - not just because of my deficits, but just because of personal preferences.  She also knows that her Mom has a tendency to get fed up too quickly so she helps by pulling possible candidates, showing them to me, getting feedback and going back out on the hunt for the next candidate.

My son is rather mystified by the whole process, but he never rushes you and is glad to keep you company.

I ended up with the TUL junior sized notebook & their rollerball pens.  I did not realize until just now that both were by TUL.

[DisneyBoy]

On 16/09/2018 at 10:27 AM, DeLurker said:

I get mostly secondhand news about one of my brother's relationships because he lives one house down from my Mom and goes over to vent to Mom about his girlfriend (she lives with him), but then gets all defensive of the gf if my Mom says anything the least bit critical.   Basically, he needs to get stuff off his chest, unloads it on to Mom in a one-way manner and then we talk to work through it.

Basic issue is gf is a gollum - she wants the ring (thank you Seth Meyers).  She's mid 50s, never been married and is desperate to be.  My brother was married for 25+ years, was divorcing before they got married and finally made the break permanently a few years ago.  He loves gf, but knows he is not "in" love with her.  Things were good with gf for quite a while, but she's been pushing harder and harder for the marriage to the point where she'll pack her bags to leave on a weekly basis.  Seriously, there was a point this summer where she had her bag packed for like 2 straight weeks.

My brother has told her to go if she wants to, told her he doesn't want to get married again and if marriage (as an objective) is something she wants, she needs to look elsewhere.  But he does not just break up with her, so it is all up to her.  I think he is such a dumbass because this is not the occasional fight about their future - this is happening 3-5x a week.  Major fights.

A Gollum! LOL that's funny.

I can completely understand why people stay together in spite of having different objectives, but I just don't think it makes much sense. Either she needs to reevaluate what the importance of a marriage is and whether or not she feels stable in this relationship with your brother, or she should just leave. Broken heart be damned, if you've been with someone for a long time and you're not on the same page about marriage then just move on. Of course, it's difficult to move on in your mid-50s, but I've seen it happen. You can never find what you're looking for if you're not actually out there looking for it. No offense to your brother, but I think it's very cowardly to allow someone to waste their time with you when you know they should probably move on. I have a friend in his 30s who has been doing that for years with pretty much every girlfriend  he's had. Some of them have been madly in love with him, and very serious about making a future, but he's always willing to string them along knowing full well he's not interested in settling down. They inevitably leave in tears, often with serious emotional scars. One girl even came back a few months later and he once again strung her along. It was awful. I wanted to to whisper to her to run and never look back.

I hope your brother comes to his senses and has a talk with her. I understand why he doesn't want to get married again if the first marriage was a mess, but he should find someone who's in the same boat. I think most women in their 50s probably don't want to get married again. If this woman's never been married, it's probably a point of pride. Who doesn't want to say someone has committed the rest of their life to them? That's a powerful idea, though the reality is very often a huge disappointment. I'm guessing she already senses that his heart isn't fully in the relationship and can't accept that.

 

 

 

....any tips on dealing with alcoholic family members? Seeing someone stumble around at night and bash their head, but refuse to discuss it the next day is disturbing. I think they're determined to drink because they're on some level hoping to end their life sooner. 70s. Angry. Emotionally closed off.

 

Thanks. Took a long time to admit to myself the label "alcoholic" applies, but I think it does. There was never any day drinking, but from 6pm onwards, look out.

Edited September 17, 2018 by DisneyBoy

[BookWoman56]

2 hours ago, DisneyBoy said:

....any tips on dealing with alcoholic family members? Seeing someone stumble around at night and bash their head, but refuse to discuss it the next day is disturbing. I think they're determined to drink because they're on some level hoping to end their life sooner. 70s. Angry. Emotionally closed off.

 

Thanks. Took a long time to admit to myself the label "alcoholic" applies, but I think it does. There was never any day drinking, but from 6pm onwards, look out.

This is going to sound harsh, but if this family member is in fact drinking excessively as a way to end his/her life sooner, there's not a whole lot you can do about it unless that person is willing to get counselling or something similar. I've never done this myself, but others have opted to take a video of the person while drunk and play it back to the person when he/she is sober. I guess, to me your role in dealing with this person depends on whether the person poses a risk to others, or just to himself/herself. If it's clear this person is not going to change the behavior, then you should concentrate on mitigating the effects of it on yourself and others. For example, try to make sure this person isn't left in charge of taking care of children. Hide the car keys while the person is drunk; you don't want to have to deal with the consequences of your family member causing death or injury while driving drunk. If you are the only person in your family who is affected, then the best advice I can give you is to find some emotional detachment. Obviously, it's a different scenario, but I was married for years to someone who had major substance abuse issues, and I had to eventually just admit to myself that the person I had cared about when I married him was essentially dead, or buried so deep in this very different persona as to be inaccessible. That admission enabled me to withdraw emotionally from the situation and to quit feeling responsible for his behavior or to feel that I had some moral obligation to assist. When you have repeatedly tried to help someone, only to be told every time that there is no problem, there's very little you can do for that person, and you have to concentrate instead on your own welfare and the welfare of others who may be affected. The very hard life lesson I learned from that marriage is that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. 

I don't know the exact nature of your relationship with your family member, but perhaps try to sit down with him/her for a serious discussion and just say that you've noticed a lot of evening/nighttime drinking, with some minor accidents such as bashing the head, and you're concerned. Ask if there's anything you can do. But be prepared to have this family member blow off your concerns or just refuse to discuss the situation. 

[theredhead77]

7 hours ago, DisneyBoy said:

....any tips on dealing with alcoholic family members? Seeing someone stumble around at night and bash their head, but refuse to discuss it the next day is disturbing. I think they're determined to drink because they're on some level hoping to end their life sooner. 70s. Angry. Emotionally closed off

If they are bashing their head they are a danger to themselves. Call 911 while this is happening (take video if needed for proof) and tell them your family member is a danger to themselves and ask for assistance. The paramedics should be able to place them on a psychiatric hold for 72 hours.

[DeLurker]

@DisneyBoy - he has told her how he feels, but he has not told her to go.  He's leaving the decision up to her, but I think he really wants her to make the break.  I wish he would just do it himself - I love him lots and he's got tons of really great qualities, but I am really disappointed in how's he is handling (or rather not handling) this.  He got really worked over with his first marriage and he put a lot of effort into making that work, part for him and part for their children.

I'm sorry about your relative.  Is this something that has recently developed?   Since he is older, is it possible that there is a problem with alcohol interacting adversely with prescription medication?  I guess my first concern would be, is there anybody else at immediate risk from his drinking? 

[DisneyBoy]

Thank you guys for your thoughts. I don't talk about this. It's good, but scary, to start.

I am not on good terms with him, enough to be viewed as a help. He has shut the topic down when I tried to bring it up/encourage him to slow down. Others, including me, can be in danger when he drinks. It hasn't gotten to the point where I'd call 911 yet - I'm bracing myself for the night I have to. There's been yelling and falling, but no hitting yet. I just sense it's coming. He had anger issues in the past and has been violent before. I don't think I connected it to drinking until now. Reading people's stories on Reddit I see patterns now I didn't before : him getting wasted and then picking fights about nonexistent problems. That happens a lot. I don't think he'll change or admit he has problems. The few people I've broached this subject with make excuses for him of the "oh he's just depressed!" / "well if he isn't drinking during breakfast I don't think he's got a problem!" variety.

So I see things worsening. It's scary.

 

Quote

 I was married for years to someone who had major substance abuse issues, and I had to eventually just admit to myself that the person I had cared about when I married him was essentially dead, or buried so deep in this very different persona as to be inaccessible. That admission enabled me to withdraw emotionally from the situation and to quit feeling responsible for his behavior or to feel that I had some moral obligation to assist. When you have repeatedly tried to help someone, only to be told every time that there is no problem, there's very little you can do for that person, and you have to concentrate instead on your own welfare and the welfare of others who may be affected. The very hard life lesson I learned from that marriage is that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. 

 

Wow. Every word of that resonates with me.

 

I'm so sorry for what that did to you, your partner and your marriage.

[2727]

I come from a very small family. Both parents were only children; they had my sister and me a year apart. Neither of us had kids. We're closing in on 70 now and it's just the two of us left.

We have very different personalities and our relationship has waxed and waned over the decades, but we do have that family bond. Nobody else in the world shares our memories. We lived across the country for most of our adult lives but 8 years ago we both moved to the same retirement community and now have houses across the street from each other.

I was making some changes to my will this month and decided to leave most of my estate to charity. My sister and her husband are very well off and since most of my savings are in an IRA, it would be a tax burden that I didn't think was worth the hassle for her. But it can do a lot of good for others who didn't marry rich guys.

My other savings, car, and household belongings would go to her. To try to make things easier for her and to avoid probate, I wanted to add her as a joint account holder for my savings/checking and add her to the title on my car. I sent her and her husband an email to that effect and asked her to let me know when she wanted to go to the DMV and to give me her SSN so I could add her to my bank accounts.

No answer for four days.

Ooookay. She's pissed again about something. I assume it's because I changed my will but who knows.

I sent another email apologizing for not asking her first and for assuming she and her husband would be okay with being the executors of my estate. I told her I'd set it up with an attorney so they wouldn't have to be bothered. Again, she never answered. Jesus. You are my only living relative!

Dear sister: you could have chosen to make my passing as loving and comfortable an experience as possible for me, but yet again you choose resentment and grudge holding. I'm happy death will take me away from your anger, shouting, smug self-satisfaction, and bossiness.

Edited September 21, 2018 by 2727

[NutMeg]

Maybe she never check her emails? I'd say call her to make sure she has seen them.

[2727]

13 minutes ago, NutMeg said:

Maybe she never check her emails? I'd say call her to make sure she has seen them.

That's a nice thought, but I've emailed back and forth with her and her husband about other things since then. 

I actually get along, personality-wise, with my BIL more than my sister, but she absolutely wears the pants and he does whatever she says. I'm a little sad that he didn't step up to help but not at all surprised. She's perfectly willing to make his life miserable.

[NutMeg]

Damn, sorry about that. That it reminds me of a nightmarish aunt of mine will be no help, but may let you know I hear what you're saying, in part, because of course each situation is unique.

Just do what feels right for you, and let the rest go, it's not worth it for you to get worked up. Let it go, just do it :)

I'm not being flippant. Some years ago, I was worrying a lot about my mom's choices, and it took someone to tell me "let it go" for me to really let go, and trust her to do her thing, and stop worrying about it. Her path has turned unfortunate, but somehow since I had let it go, I feel no anxiety, I help her when she asks for it, but otherwise I'm just reminding myself that she's a grown woman who should choose for herself. I'm here for her if/when she needs me, but otherwise my life is basically focused on me, and people close to me.    

[Mindthinkr]

I’m sorry to change the subject but...

As many of you know I just had a direct hit from Hurricane Florence. My daughters husband was deployed out on disaster relief with an insurance agency. Her FIL and the other grandson moved in with 3 dogs (she already had 3 plus 2 cats). Last night she went to feed displaced people at an ad hoc food kitchen. She left him with her nephew and 3 kids. He decided to drive 40 miles to a city with services and take the other grandson with him leaving my 3 grandchildren to fend for themselves. He also didn’t bring back anything for them to eat. She was livid. The kids felt like second class citizens as in why weren’t they good enough to be fed. She wouldn’t have left them if she knew this was going to happen. My grandchildren also walked their dogs and then just didn’t know what to do with themselves. They can cook basics but have been taught not to use the gas stove without an adult present. My heart broke for them. How could he take one out to eat and have a Dairy Queen Banana Split afterwards with one and leave the others? Am I wrong to think he was a ____? 

I’m broken hearted for the kids but the roads are impassable and I can’t go help them. 

[auntlada]

Whatever word you are filling in the blank with, you're right. He's also an idiot and wildly irresponsible for leaving the three children alone.

[AgentRXS]

@Mindthinkr I was always that 2nd-class citizen as a child, so I will say it for you. Bastard. He is a fucking bastard.