Quotes: As God is my witness...

[David T. Cole]

Your quotes thread.

[bunnywithanaxe]

"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

[Shannon L.]

Oh there are so many!  I still quote this show now after all these years and am so happy when someone gets it!  Just a few for now:

"What do you call a guy who likes a girl who used to be a guy but isn't anymore?"

"Oh go ahead, Herb.  The frog is dying!  Just call him up and say 'hi, my pink frog is sick and I'd like you to come up and look at his feet."

"Hirsch! Where have you been?!"; "Mardi Gras, madam."

"It's just like in the movies.  You can wipe out the entire confederate army--thousands of men, deader than door nails and nobody cares, but you kill one collie and everyone collapses in grief!"

I just realized that I could go on and on and on.....  :)

 

 

[bunnywithanaxe]

Heh, I almost suggested "HIRSCH!!!" as a thread title.

[ethalfrida]

Les Nessman and his "chee-hoouh-hoouh ...

[Shannon L.]

And Chi-Chi-RAH-druh-gweeze! 

[Constantinople]

Discussing Carlson's mother, the station owner

Carlson's son: She says you're obtuse

Les Nessman (smiling): Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh

[The Crazed Spruce]

Don't remember exactly what episode it's from, but one of my favourite Johnny lines (I even used it as my signature in a forum I used to frequent) was:

"When the whole world's out to get you, paranoia's just smart thinking."

Edited April 9, 2014 by The Crazed Spruce

[Shannon L.]

 

Herb to Jennifer (and this may not be exact wording) "Oh, hey-I'm sorry that your guy bought the farm, but look at it this way:  He was filthy rich and died eating at the best restaurant in town while sitting next to you.  Not a bad way to go if you ask me."

"I don't do little gustos, Herb"

"You all had an orgy last night!  And I wasn't invited!"

I accidentally put this in the Musical Moments thread.  How do I copy and paste w/o having to put it in quotes?  It won't give me a paste option until I've hit the quote button.

[The Crazed Spruce]

I accidentally put this in the Musical Moments thread.  How do I copy and paste w/o having to put it in quotes?  It won't give me a paste option until I've hit the quote button.

You could always delete the quote tags. :)

[Shannon L.]

Ah yes...however, I didn't have the tags, just the box.  Can you tell me now to find the tags?  Wait....I just saw "Full Editor".  That's it, right?

Back on topic:  "Surely you must know some black, plantation voodoo that takes paint off a frog?"

[PrincessLuceval]

The tornado episode, with the Japanese tourists (very, very un PC stereotype with their cameras around their necks). One of the tourists excitedly points out the window (at the coming tornado). Carlson mutters to himself:"He probably spotted a Fotomat."

[AimingforYoko]

From "Young Master Carlson":

Andy: Alright, somebody tell me what happened.

Herb: Well, first of all Venus shouldn't be picking on little white kids.

Venus: How about big white kids?

[Maggie]

"Citizens of Cincinnati, we are being attacked by the godless tornadoes!"

[Kohola3]

Booger........

[Shannon L.]

From Lucille:  "We only watch good, wholesome family shows.  Like Little House on the Prairie.  It's about blind children and every week someone dies in a fire or of a horrible disease."

[Twickenham]

From Buffy:

"If only I could get to Vermont. It's... It's reeeel there."

[AimingforYoko]

Also from Buffy, after seeing Johnny's (actually Jennifer's) apartment:

"I see you've become more prosperous...and slightly effeminate."

Edited April 17, 2014 by AimingforYoko

[ElleryAnne]

"Don't you people get it?  It was the phone cops!"

[MarkHB]

Hirsch, from the finale:

"Fever!  You're the one who has caused Madam so much trouble for all of these years!  Just a moment..."

<turns to call offstage>

"Madam!  Your physician is here!"

[AriAu]

"It gets pretty strange after that"

My favorite part of Les Nesman's story in the Turkey episode-actually everything he says in the last 5 minutes is comedy gold

[babyhouseman]

I vaguely remembered this scene and IMDB provided it:

Andy Travis: [knocks doorknob out of Doug's hand, forcing the door closed... holds his hand out] Where's the coke?
Doug Winner: I don't know. I guess Carlson puts it on his feet.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: [Doug leaves and Andy turns to Carlson, stunned] Good heavens! I've lost all the feeling in my left foot!
[stomping his foot on floor]
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: For the love of Pete, Andy, I'm hooked!
Andy Travis: No, you're gonna be fine!
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: [beating frantically on his foot with his shoe] I've got a monkey on my foot!

[Shannon L.]

I remember that scene!  Saying it was brilliant, though, is getting repetitive since the whole damn show was brilliant. 

[Shannon L.]

Another Buffy quote:  "When am I going to learn to listen to my psychic?!!"

[JeanneH]

from the opening: "And the senator, while insisting he was not intoxicated, could not explain his nudity."

[bunnywithanaxe]

Something Jennifer said once stuck with me, when Les was moping after having ran his new boat through a couple's living room: 

 

"It was an accident, Les, that's why the call them that!"

[Maggie May]

"Herb Tarlek's selling life insurance and he's headed this way!"

[darbar]

Jennifer responding to Herb when he asked her what she did that night.  "Seeing different men, letting them have their way with me."  Herb nearly dropped dead with that  one.  

[Shannon L.]

From Les:  "Oh, I know what's going on here.  I most certainly do!  You had an orgy last night......and I wasn't invited!"

[Etaoin Shrdlu]

I want a hat!

N-E-S-T-L-E-S Nestles makes the very best.... chooooclaaaate.

 

You should know I've killed a lot of old people in my time. And I'm not above doing it again!

[darbar]

Herb----Life is short, so why not grab a little gusto.

Jennifer---I don't like LITTLE gustos.

[AriAu]

Was talking about how bad commercials were on a local radio station and I said, it's not like its Red wigglers or anything....and no one laughed.

 

"Red wigglers, the Cadillac of worms...of worms"

[Etaoin Shrdlu]

Ferryman! Ferryman! The mortician man who loves you...... a lot!

[ElleryAnne]

Also Johnny Fever, on being told the contract on his condo had been consummated and they wouldn't let him out of it:  "Well, you see, I feel like I've been consummated."

[Etaoin Shrdlu]

We actually named our dog Bailey after watching a WKRP episode. (It helped that our other dog's name is Guinness.)

I also am often heard saying "Well... hell."

[NausetGirl]

Jennifer: "...please, Herb - try not to leer...."

[AriAu]

From the episode where Venus and Johnny are tested as they drink:

"Cop's got a hat, I need a hat".

Almost everything in that episode made me crack up, especially the scenes with the cops and Johnny, as he keeps getting faster and faster response times the more he drinks. It is also the episode with the Pig and the Carp (Herb) getting into a fight in the bathroom. Saw it last night while I was surfing around and laughed a lot, even knowing everything that was going on

Edited June 30, 2014 by AriAu

[ethalfrida]

Same here. The minute I saw the carp outfit the laughs were on!!!

[Chip]

I just watched this one on Hulu. It's "Fish Story" and it is great.

[ethalfrida]

 I just think Dr.Johnny Fever's character is developed so right on. Love his "Fellow Babies".

Speaking of quotes:  Old guy to Jennifer.. "I'm not as old as I look".

Jennifer: "But are you as poor as you look?"

[BMGepinniw]

Thanks IMDB for the quote.

 

Jennifer is sitting in the bar, after having convinced Lucille to take Herb back.  I wish I could remember what the server says with each drink he puts in front of her - something about a long shoreman, ? a cowboy, and the rest escapes me.  Then Andy, Venus, Johnny and Les come up to the table:

 

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: Hi guys!

Andy Travis: Oh, what's your sign?

Venus Flytrap: You live around here, mama?

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: Want a little action, sugar?

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: Well, Les, don't you have an opening line?

Les Nessman: [Looks uneasy, then sits down an picks up a drink] Hi, I'm extremely wealthy.

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: Ooh.

Edited July 15, 2014 by BMGepinniw

[JeanneH]

I have to give the lead-up for the quote(s) to make sense, I think.  In the season 2 Christmas episode (Jennifer's Home for Christmas), everyone is talking about their holiday plans except for Jennifer, who says she's not doing anything special. The others think she will be home alone, and so they all end up at Jennifer's. Everyone brings a tree with them except for Herb (Andy tells Herb he can't come in without a tree). The big reveal is that Jennifer is not going to be home, or alone, she's spending her holiday in Bethlehem with her gentleman friend:

 

Herb: You’re going to Bethlehem, Pennsylvania?

Jennifer: No Herb, THE Bethlehem.

Johnny: Now that’s a down home Christmas.

Edited July 13, 2014 by JeanneH

[suprfrog]

Carlson: "Do I hear...dogs barking on that thing?"

Johnny: "I do..."

"...and I, myself, have personally just seen a giant pig. He is currently painting the walls of our lobby."

Herb: "Venus, how do you get pink paint off a frog?"
Venus: "Oh, I dunno Herb. How *do* you get pink paint of a frog?"

[Qoass]

You can't shoot me; I'm union!

[AriAu]

"It's bad luck to take advice from a crazy person."

 

Herb Tarlik line that I quote all the time...usually about clients of mine.

Edited August 14, 2014 by AriAu

[NausetGirl]

Just remembered the episode where some of the characters - can't remember exactly who - are discussing how female athletes from the Soviet Bloc countries often had a "less-than-feminine" appearance.  Less tells everyone "I think that's what happened to Jimmy Hoffa.  They took him to Russia and turned him into a woman!!!" 

[NausetGirl]

It may have been from the final episode.  A beautifully-delivered line from Gary Sandy playing a very inebriated Andy in the drawing room of Momma Carlson's mansion.  She comes into the room and Andy says: "Mrs Carlson... I'm sick your crud!!!"

[fernsehen]

And yet another from Les:  "I don't know if you've noticed, but there certainly are a lot of Negroes in sports."

[fernsehen]

There's something about Les's sign-off:  "This is Les Nessman saying good day, and may the good news be yours."

[Mrs. Stanwyck]

From the episode where Jennifer is the executrix of the guy's estate - during the video reading of the will:

 

"And to my nephew Skippy, I leave a piece of advice - BUY A CAR PEOPLE CAN SEE AROUND ON THE HIGHWAY" (in regards to Skippy's beloved van)

 

Whenever I am on the road trapped behind a car I can't see around, this line always pops into my head.