Quotes, GIFs, JPGs, and more: "There's a binder? Why didn't you lead with that, you idiot?"

[Driad]

"We don't have cockroaches. The rats ate them."

[Maximum Taco]

Boyle: You just go up to him and say 'Commissioner Grayson, how's your... wife?'

Holt: Commissioner Grayson, how's your wife?

Boyle: No that just sounds like you really want to know how she is. Insinuate. Maybe add a pause before 'wife'

Holt: Commissioner Grayson how's your............................................ wife?

Boyle: Too long.

Holt: Felt it. Ugh, this is not my strong suit.

Boyle: No no, sir, sir, sir, you're doing great! Just forget the pause, use your eyebrows, like this: 'Commissioner Grayson how's your pump pump pump wife?'

Holt: How's your pump pump pump wife?

Boyle: Eh, it was a little bit better in my head. Try this: 'How's your pump wife pump pump'

Holt: End on a double pump?! That's risky, he'll see right through me. How about 'pump pump How's your pump'?

Boyle: You forgot to say 'wife'

Holt: Ugh! Good note.

Boyle: How about this? 'How your pump wife pump Grayson pump'

Holt: That's the one.

[bethy]

1 hour ago, Maximum Taco said:

Holt: Ugh! Good note.

I loved that. Boyle directing Holt was awesome. 

[ClareWalks]

Great quotes last night. I nearly died when Jake said "Thanks for the heroin, Hunky Jesus!"

I hope somebody got all Holt's mentoring tips.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jake: We're going to drive around in the coolest undercover car in the impound lot.
Boyle: Herbie from Herbie: Fully Loaded.
Jake: No. You really think Herbie: Fully Loaded was in the impound lot?
Boyle: Without a doubt.
Jake: It's a Mustang. It's got a stripe down the middle.
Boyle: Like Herbie.

Rosa: There's nothing wrong with second place.
Terry: Name one silver medalist.
Rosa: Michelle Kwan.
Terry: She fell, Rosa! She fell so much!

Amy: You may not see yourself as my mentor-
Holt: Of course I do. I've been mentoring you all along.
Amy: Whaaaaaaat?
Holt: This is day 1282 of a 9 year mentorship I had mapped out for you. Under ordinary circumstances, I wouldn't reveal this to you until day 3300.
Amy: It was real. There was a binder.
Holt: Not anymore.
Amy: No! You can still mentor me if we don't work together. We could meet for breakfast every day. You could teach me over eggs.
Holt: Eggs for breakfast? Further behind than I thought.

Amy: Let's just say I was president of the stenographers' club in high school for a reason.
Holt: Was the reason because you were the only member?
Amy: Yes.

Boyle: This is so cool. I feel like we're in a cologne ad.

Jake: Thanks for the heroin, hunky Jesus!

Jake: I show up, grind a bunch of gnarly rails. I'm talking real fluffy ones.
Boyle: Radical! I bet you're an awesome fluffer.
Jake: No.
Boyle: I bet you fluffed those other riders right out of their biker shorts. I can picture you as a teenager fluffing all of New York City!

Jake as Tyler Omaha: You know, I used to be pro but they said my antics were too gnar and kicked me off the circuit.
Dom: For what?
Jake: You know, peeing on the track, having sex during races, being hella gnar. You get it. We all have gyros on our bikes.

Holt: It should take seventy seconds for you to fully gauge someone's character. Here's what to look for: grammar, posture, scent, attire, level of perspiration, type of shirt collar.
Amy: What's the best type of shirt collar?
Holt: English spread, obviously, but let's hold the questions until the end. When people say, "Good morning," they mean "hello." When people say, "How are you?" they mean "hello." When people say, "What's up?" they mean "I am a person not worth talking to." There are two acceptable sleep positions: on back, toes up, arms crossed or on back, toes up, arms at the side. Do not trust any child that chews bubble gum flavored bubble gum. Do not trust any adult that chews gum at all. Never vacation in Banff.

Hitchcock: He thought the bathroom was empty because we use the toilet with our feet up on the stall door.

Boyle: Toys for boys.
Jake: I don't know if I like that.
Boyle: Adult toys.
Jake: Still sounds wrong.
Boyle: Male toys.

Holt: Five minutes left. What have I missed? Professional handshake.
Amy: We did that. Fingers with a half centimeter spread. Up, down, then separate.
Holt: Good. Acceptable fabrics.
Amy: Cotton or cotton blend. Wool is for outerwear only, and silk is for sex workers or musicians.
Holt: Right. Good desserts.
Amy: There are none. If you are hungry, you should have had more dinner.

Boyle: You're going to get a new partner. His name's going to be Heath or Ryan. He's going to know everything about Die Hard and he's going to be super cool - jean jacket cool.
Jake: Yeah, you could be right. And hey, you'll get a cool new partner too. He'll love fine dining and musical theater and hearing about every explicit detail of your sex life over and over and over.
Boyle: Just like you.

Jake: Are you just holding up the binoculars so I can't see you cry?
Boyle: No.

Rosa: So Jake's doing the right thing instead of the selfish thing? [Amy] did this to him.

Edited April 30, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ItCouldBeWorse]

7 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Holt: This is day 1282 of a 9 year mentorship I had mapped out for you. Under ordinary circumstances, I wouldn't reveal this to you until day 3300.

9 years with leap years in years 1, 5 and 9 would only be 3288 days.

[dusang]

"There's an inner circle?!"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

[Boyle and Terry enter wearing the same outfit]
Boyle: Oh. My. Gawd. Sarge! What are the chances?
Terry: I'd say zero.

Jake: You're clearly not listening to me. I can say whatever I want.
Terry: Tell me about it.
Jake: I murdered Charles this weekend.
Terry: I feel you.
Jake: Now that I have the taste for blood, I can't stop murdering.
Terry: Been there.
Jake: Okay. Sarge? Sarge!
Terry: Jake! When'd you get here?
Jake: Wow.
Terry: Gotta go. Die Hard. Explosions. Whatever.
Jake: What? No! Just when the conversation was getting interesting!

Terry: Hello, Captain Raymond Holt. It is I, Sergeant Terrence Jeffords, your friend, but more importantly, your employee.
Holt: I've never heard you speak like this, sergeant. I like it. Each sentence so rife with information. Go on, please.

Terry: I'm supposed to pick up Cagney and Lacey from daycare in thirty minutes but I have to stay late to work on my application.
Rosa: They're six. They can take the subway.
Gina: Rosa, that's crazy. They're babies. Terry, just call them an Uber.

Jake: My rear window is technically a shower curtain.

Hitchcock: Get woke, Scully!

Holt: Kevin's friend Margo is here and she's a Class A drip.

Holt: There are no highlights in Scotsdale, Margo!
Margo: That's what you think.

Amy: I'm sorry I told [Cagney and Lacey] orgasms was another word for oranges. I panicked.
Terry: Yeah, it did make it awkward when they asked for orgasm juice this morning.

Edited October 11, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Maximum Taco]

On 2017-04-30 at 1:35 PM, ItCouldBeWorse said:

9 years with leap years in years 1, 5 and 9 would only be 3288 days.

Ah but that was just volume 1 of their mentorship.

[BabyVegas]

I needed this gif as soon as I watched last night's episode.

[Bort]

"To sex with Amy!"

[rhys]

Terry and Rosa in unison: "they shared the flan."

[Brandi Maxxxx]

"And this one is a sworn affidavit stating that you have seen Debbie Stovelman, the wife of NutriBoom founder, David Stovelman, and that you found her to be happy, healthy, and alive."

[Skyfall]

We need the basic bitch quotes in gif form!

[bethy]

Holt: Congratulations. I'm so glad you two are getting married.

Amy (giddily): We're getting married!

Jake (excitedly): We're getting married!

Hot: And no one won the heist.

Squad: Come on! Aw! 

Jake: Get over it, you jag!

Amy: Yeah, you jag!

 

Amy yelling "yeah, you jag!" totally cracks me up, for some reason. I love it!

Edited October 20, 2017 by bethy

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rosa: I don't own a nerd costume.
Jake: Oh, but Rosa, you are already wearing one. You naturally dress like the female bounty hunter in every steampunk novel. Look. All you need are welding goggles.
Rosa: Damn it. I have welding goggles in the car.

[Brandi Maxxxx]

Jake: You sabotaged us! Terry, would you do the honors?

[arjumand]

On 12/6/2017 at 9:51 PM, Brandi Maxxxx said:

Jake: You sabotaged us! Terry, would you do the honors?

 

Scully: "You guys didn't hear that, did you?"

Terry: "I'm still hearing it! I'm never gonna stop hearing it!"

 

And I love all the great use of music in the episode, starting with the Ode to Joy during all of Jake's Die Hard 'tributes'.

Though I must say my new favourite quote is in The Favor:

"Hi there. I'd like to humiliate some hussies, and I'm in a hurry."

Who would have thought something Hitchcock says would be my new favorite quote?

[Rinaldo]

1 hour ago, arjumand said:

"Hi there. I'd like to humiliate some hussies, and I'm in a hurry."

I want to hug whichever writer(s) crafted that line. All three parts of it work together perfectly.

[arjumand]

“Do you know what it means to “clap back”, Raymond?

Be ? cause ? I ? do. ? “

Poor Kevin. 

[laserlady]

Doug Judy:  I thought you'd be happier to see me.  Why are you being so weird?

Jake:  Oh, I don't know, I didn't sleep well last night, so I'm probably tired from that.  Oh, and also, this is a hostage situation.

Doug Judy:  Wow!  It's like that?

Jake:  Yes, it's like that. 

 

Doug Judy:  They're not hostages.  I prefer to call them collateral friendships.

Negotiator:  That's all negotiating is:  two liars lying to each other until one liar stands too close to the window and gets shot in the head.

Negotiator:  Snipers to one.  The window plan is on.  I repeat: the window plan is on.

Jake:  No! No no no.  Snipers to zero.  Snipers, take a nap.  The nap plan is on.  It's nap-time, snipers.


Terry:  They're looking at us.  Look natural.

Holt:  Spreadsheet, spreadsheet.

Terry:  Crime, crime.

Holt:  Precinct, precinct.


Doug Judy:  You're talking to a pre-recorded video.  But it's cool.  I know what you're saying.  I hear you in my heart.

Jake:  What am I doing here?

Doug Judy:  I feel the same way!  You're my best friend, too!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gina: You want me to spill the beans?
Holt: Why would you ever intentionally spill beans? They're one of nature's most densely packed protein sources, and they remain unsullied by flavor.

Terry: Say hello to the Nine-Nine's brand new, fully loaded, sweet as hell crime crusher on wheels!
Rosa: Holy crap, it has a heads up display with built in license plate reader.
Scully: Who cares? It's got two burrito holders. 
Rosa: Those are cup holders, Scully.

Jake: You can't wear a coat over a tank. You're not Ryan Gosling.

Amy: I wonder if the word "conjugate" in the arsonist's letter means we should focus on the verb answers. 
Vin: Cool, I love verbs. Second favorite part of speech.
Amy & Vin: After prepositions.

Jake: Wow, a whole crowd full of puzzlers. Gotta be honest - I'm a little disappointed no one's wearing a green suit covered in question marks.
Amy: That guy has crossword puzzle pants. Does that scratch your itch?
Jake: Very much so, thanks.

Amy's anagram (a place in the world):
meet a brainier stud, a
United Arab Emirates

Jake's anagram (film based on a classic novel):
sad anus loser, I go in
Dangerous Liaisons

Jake: Charles, I need your help. What's the best way to dry out a pant leg that's been soaked in toilet water?
Boyle: Wait 28 minutes. Trust me, that's how long it takes for toilet pants to dry.
Jake: Well, I can't just be standing around for half an hour while Amy chats it up with Vin.
Boyle: Ah, so it's not toilet water. You're drenched in jealousy.

Olivia: So it would seem that we have become frenemies. Do you know what that means? 
Holt: Are you trying to imply that I'm too old to understand a portmanteau? I am not, but I am too dignified to use one. Friend-enemy.

Edited April 10, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[jhlipton]

21 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Scully: Who cares? It's got two burrito holders. 

Rosa: Those are cup holders, Scully.

Then he says something like "have you no care for my thighs?".

[Last Time Lord]

On 12/6/2017 at 3:51 PM, Brandi Maxxxx said:

Jake: You sabotaged us! Terry, would you do the honors?

I’m going to get a lot of use out of this...

[Sandman]

"Oh, look: He brought us some wine ... drink. This is legally called 'Wine Drink.'  Hm. How very thoughtful. Thank you."

I may or may not have laughed for a ridiculously long time at that.

Edited June 24, 2018 by Sandman

[dusang]

11 hours ago, Sandman said:

"Oh, look: He brought us some wine ... drink. This is legally called 'Wine Drink.'  Hm. How very thoughtful. Thank you."

I may or may not have laughed for a ridiculously long time at that.

I may or may not say that all the time.

[Sandman]

I don't think it really qualifies as a quote, but the plot thread about Jake wanting to know what Holt's middle initial stood for had a pretty sweet payoff: "Here's something you didn't know: My middle name ... is Jacob."

Honourable mention to "Return your guest pajamas." (Well, the whole sleuthing sleepover scene, really.)

ETA: Please believe me when I tell you all that I am going to try most sincerely not to post a line from each episode as I discover it, but I can't resist adding the following exchange from "Jake and Sophia":

Peralta: I found our Meatloaf: Wings!

Jeffords: The band or the show?

Peralta: The food!

Edited July 1, 2018 by Sandman
"Drink the ranch! Drink the ranch!"

[Sandman]

Gina: "We mostly exchange Games of Thrones theories."

Hitchcock: "The little guy is gonna marry a dragon!"

Gina: "We think."

Edited December 1, 2018 by Sandman

[bethy]

"Boobs, fart, boobs, whatever."

Rewatching season 1, and I feel like I need to work this phrase into my everyday conversation somehow.

[Joimiaroxeu]

It's time to sauce up!

Controversial and loving it.

We're all Upstairs people now.

[Sandman]

Continuing on my new theme of Andre Braugher Can Do No Wrong, one wouldn't think that "Oh, my goodness, I am very intoxicated" could produce howls of laughter, and yet ...

[Sandman]

"I do not want to be around when page 53 happens!"

Rosa's the greatest.