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Razzberry

Worst Movies Ever

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I'll start with one called Door to Door Maniac (aka: 5 Minutes To Live) 
This movie is so bad that it's almost funny.  Johnny Cash stars in a questionable career decision as the thoroughly despicable "Johnny", a drifter, ex-con, woman-hater and violent criminal.  After shooting his girlfriend in the face,  he then brings his guitar along on a home invasion, singing '5 minutes to Live' to a terrified housewife before shooting her in the face as well. It just grazes her cheek, so she lives through that, but I couldn't go on when he hustled her into the bedroom.

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Also stars little Ronny Howard, who's probably the best actor here at 7 years old.  Some good music and its thankfully short running time of 72 minutes is a plus.

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If anyone has some time to kill or is a glutton for punishment, here it is:

Door to Door Maniac  

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The worst I remember is "Ryder, P.I.".

It's the only film I ever walked out of - about 15 minutes in!!

I never saw the film run on cable and when reading about it online, it seems I wasn't the only person to despise it.

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The worst movie I can remember seeing was a terrible mess named "Angel".  It had the tagline "School girl by day, Hooker by night" which tells you it's clearly a classic.  They didn't mention the gross serial killer, which is what drove my friend and me out of the theater.

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1 hour ago, proserpina65 said:

The worst movie I can remember seeing was a terrible mess named "Angel".  It had the tagline "School girl by day, Hooker by night" which tells you it's clearly a classic.  They didn't mention the gross serial killer, which is what drove my friend and me out of the theater.

I distinctly remember sneaking in to see that with a friend (we weren't old enough to see R-rated movies in the theater), but don't much remember the movie itself.  Other than, yeah, it was a mess.  I can't believe they made a sequel!

I'm drawing a blank on the truly terrible movies I've seen (maybe I've repressed the memories).  Oh, there was one of those torture porn movies I foolishly watched during a free weekend of something on cable.  I had to go look it up by its cast, and it was Hostel: Part II.  That's the product of a sick mind, and I say that as a horror fan.

Bijou Phillips was in it, which reminds me of another terrible film she was in - Bully.  (Appropriate, I guess, since she was apparently a horrible bully on both sets.)  It's based on a true story, but just goes for shock value at every turn; since it's horribly written, acted, and directed, it fails.

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I could list so many, but I'll start with what I always give as my standard answer to this.

The Postman, starring, produced, and directed by Kevin Costner, 1997.

And since there's already a Simpsons reference here, why don't I bring up when The Simpsons referenced this movie?

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Lisa:  “Hmm. Directors commentary.”

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Kevin Costner:  “I’m sorry. I am really sorry. Ugh. Ah. I don’t know what I was thinking. But, uh, ‘Field Of Dreams’ was good, wasn’t it? Made us all believe again?”

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Edited by Ms Blue Jay
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For howlers one can't overlook Paradise (1982) starring Eight is Enough alleged heartthrob Willie Aames and future Mrs. Kevin Kline Phoebe Cates as teens of two sets of missionary parents who get massacred by a white slaver in 1823  in the Middle East then spend months fooling around while hiding out in a jungle-like oasis that local desert dwellers somehow overlooked - wearing as little as possible.  They were so incredibly wooden (in terms of acting stiffness) that the two chimps (in a Middle Eastern oasis?) canoodling provided what little entertainment there was and were the only vaguely likable characters in this rather dreary, draggy  mess!

Edited by Blergh
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It's not exactly the worst ever, but it's pretty bad, especially given the great cast and potential.  The funniest part was the background poster of a shirtless Jon Hamm in The Jesus Rolls.

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On ‎03‎/‎03‎/‎2021 at 4:08 AM, Blergh said:

For howlers one can't overlook Paradise (1982) starring Eight is Enough alleged heartthrob Willie Aames and future Mrs. Kevin Kline Phoebe Cates as teens of two sets of missionary parents who get massacred by a white slaver in 1823  in the Middle East then spend months fooling around while hiding out in a jungle-like oasis that local desert dwellers somehow overlooked - wearing as little as possible.  They were so incredibly wooden (in terms of acting stiffness) that the two chimps (in a Middle Eastern oasis?) canoodling provided what little entertainment there was and were the only vaguely likable characters in this rather dreary, draggy  mess!

It was someone's answer to "Hey, The Blue Lagoon made a lot of money despite being terrible, how can we get a piece of that action?".    (Full disclosure: I had a poster of Christopher Atkins is his scanty loincloth from The Blue Lagoon over my bed - what can I say, I was a horny teenager in the 80s.)

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Madame Sin, 1972

Two nuns use a tranquilizer gun on Robert Wagner in Hyde Park.   He's quickly helicoptered to a castle in Scotland where people are doing weird experiments on human brains and frozen turkeys at the behest of Bette Davis, in 'yellowface' and one of her less-than-stellar performances.

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I wish someone would.

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3 hours ago, Razzberry said:

Madame Sin, 1972

Two nuns use a tranquilizer gun on Robert Wagner in Hyde Park.   He's quickly helicoptered to a castle in Scotland where people are doing weird experiments on human brains and frozen turkeys at the behest of Bette Davis, in 'yellowface' and one of her less-than-stellar performances.

I'm guessing both actors REALLY needed the money.

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14 hours ago, proserpina65 said:

It was someone's answer to "Hey, The Blue Lagoon made a lot of money despite being terrible, how can we get a piece of that action?".    (Full disclosure: I had a poster of Christopher Atkins is his scanty loincloth from The Blue Lagoon over my bed - what can I say, I was a horny teenager in the 80s.)

Yeah,  even back then I knew WHY they made it. The problem was that Paradise was so incredibly hokey and lame that the plot and logic made Blue Lagoon look like a documentary AND Mr. Atkins and Miss Shields's performances were downright Shakespearean compared to Mr. Aames's and Miss Cates's. Hello, deserts don't equal oceans nor do oases equal tropical islands!  Why would I not be surprised if there are far fewer folks who'd admit to having ever had Willie Aames posters compared to onetime Christopher Atkins fans?

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9 hours ago, magicdog said:

I'm guessing both actors REALLY needed the money.

Sad, isn't it.  This could be seen as camp, though it clearly wasn't intended to be.

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If Wiki is to be believed:

Quote

[Madam Sin] was originally a pilot for a weekly TV series that failed to make the network's schedule. It was broadcast as an ABC Movie of the Week in the United States on 15 January 1972 and then released in other markets as a feature film.

 

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Wired aka the movie that nearly yanked Michael Chiklis’ career before it even began was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Ever. Even if I didn’t love John Belushi so much, I still would have thought it was a shit movie. It’s basically a lesson in how NOT to make a biopic, little more than a “drugs are bad” movie that doesn’t have a heart, soul, or any modicum respect for Belushi or his family.

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5 hours ago, Spartan Girl said:

Wired aka the movie that nearly yanked Michael Chiklis’ career before it even began was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Ever. Even if I didn’t love John Belushi so much, I still would have thought it was a shit movie. It’s basically a lesson in how NOT to make a biopic, little more than a “drugs are bad” movie that doesn’t have a heart, soul, or any modicum respect for Belushi or his family.

Whoa, that seems to be universally loathed with a 2% rating from Rotten Tomatoes!  It almost makes me want to see just how bad it is.  Almost.

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5 hours ago, Razzberry said:

Whoa, that seems to be universally loathed with a 2% rating from Rotten Tomatoes!  It almost makes me want to see just how bad it is.  Almost.

The full movie is on YouTube, the only way you can see it because it was never released on DVD (and justifiably so). I watched it early on in the pandemic in one of my low moments. The book by Bob Woodward is not much better, and fuck him for his role inserting himself as a character in the movie. Any reporter with an ounce of journalistic integrity never would have done that. 

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He's been called a "provocateur", among other things, and most actors in a Lars Von Trier film do indeed provoke from me a feeling of embarrassment and fear for their sexual or psychological safety.  Matt Dillon was no exception in The House That Jack Built where he plays a serial killer who uses dead bodies as an artform. This repulsive idea isn't original but lifted from the TV show Hannibal with fellow Dane Mads Mikkelsen. Hannibal was at least stylish, but House is like a low budget version that drags on and on and on.    I can't express how much I hated this film.

I've also seen something very similar with the signage  -

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15 hours ago, Razzberry said:

He's been called a "provocateur", among other things, and most actors in a Lars Von Trier film do indeed provoke from me a feeling of embarrassment and fear for their sexual or psychological safety.  Matt Dillon was no exception in The House That Jack Built where he plays a serial killer who uses dead bodies as an artform. This repulsive idea isn't original but lifted from the TV show Hannibal with fellow Dane Mads Mikkelsen. Hannibal was at least stylish, but House is like a low budget version that drags on and on and on.    I can't express how much I hated this film.

I've also seen something very similar with the signage  -

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All I need to see/read/hear about a movie is that Lars Von Trier was involved, and I know I will never be watching it.

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4 hours ago, proserpina65 said:

All I need to see/read/hear about a movie is that Lars Von Trier was involved, and I know I will never be watching it.

He's such a pretentious ass.  It's like something compels me to see just how much he despises his audience, and serving up this unoriginal rubbish is a new low even for him.

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The Cobweb would've made a great comedy except it's serious as a heart attack.  Directed by Vincente Minelli and starring Richard Widmark, Gloria Grahame, Lauren Bacall, Lillian Gish and Charles Boyer.

Centered around a mental facility so posh that even the patients wear suits and ties, the drama is all about the staff and the drapes in the library.  Dr. McIver (Widmark) is married to Grahame who gets involved with swatches and doesn't even work there.  She enlists the help of his amorous boss (Boyer).

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While Widmark is off smooching with Bacall his wife breaks in and hangs up some expensive drapery which causes quite a stir.

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The patients are growing concerned about the staff's obsession with the drapes and call a meeting.

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Dr.T & the Women is similar to The Cobweb in that the acting and production values are good, but the plot is just ludicrous. Robert Altman has made some brilliant films, which makes it all the more baffling. 

Richard Gere in the title role is a busy gynecologist.  His waiting room is always packed with bored ditzy housewives who can't wait to get into his stirrups, and of course his receptionist (Shelly Long) is in love with him as well. He's not a jerk who takes advantage, however - in fact he's almost too thoughtful and caring to be true. He loves women, but if he thinks any woman loves being in this position he's crazy!  

It's been years but vaguely recall toward the end Dr.T driving and getting sucked into a vortex that deposits him, still behind the wheel, right at the door of a female about to give birth, where he saves the day. The labor seemed interminable, like the movie.  YMMV

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I'd like to nominate Beloved  (1998) for this one!

 

YEESH! What a confusing, depressing, convoluted mess in which the legit struggles and abuses of African-American slaves somehow got trivialized in favor of some weird mumbo jumbo involving a mother's angst and guilt. Oh, it had a 172 minute running time. 

 

Oh, and  let's not forget that Oprah Winfrey chose to produce and star in this- and then when ( in spite of her endless promotions of it on her talk show  )this failed to either  break box office records and get zillions of awards threw herself a big pity party and tried to guilt trip her TV audience to see it in droves then got upset that the guilt trips didn't work because they STILL weren't interested in seeing it for the most part. 

The few folks I've ever met who claimed to have liked it, said that they only did so after seeing it at least twice. Now whether this means that this was SO deep that one had to see it more than once to 'get' OR whether these folks pretended to like it  so they wouldn't have to admit having wasted at least six hours of their lives just so they couldn't be accused of being disloyal to Oprah is open for debate. 

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I remember liking Beloved, but it was difficult to sit through a 3 hour movie and some parts were hard to watch. I thought Danny Glover and the girl who played Denver were outstanding, but some editing would have improved it tremendously.

 

Since it's award season I thought a nom for the Worst Movie of the Year (that I've seen) is in order.   So far Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga is a shoe-in.

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I normally avoid Will Ferrell comedies but was curious about about the Oscar nomination.  Turns out it's for the song, which is good, but to my ears very similar to most Oscar nominated songs with the uplifting, soaring vocals. You know the type, as do the writers of them.

Will Ferrell and Rachel McAdams play Lars and Sigrit, an Icelandic couple who enjoy some minor success in a local bar band where the patrons don't want to hear anything other than their one hit "Ja Ja Ding Dong".   Scandinavians deserve a hand for being good sports about it all.

Dan Stevens was a bright spot and McAdams did her best with the material, but Ferrell is getting too old for this shit and insists everything revolve around him. 

The length is excruciating at over 2 hours which also hurts the film.  I slogged all the way through, hoping something unpredictable would happen, but seeing a film in its entirety is not required in this thread.  We are only human.

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23 minutes ago, Razzberry said:

Turns out it's for the song, which is good, but to my ears very similar to most Oscar nominated songs with the uplifting, soaring vocals. You know the type, as do the writers of them.

Like this one?

 

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22 hours ago, Razzberry said:

I remember liking Beloved, but it was difficult to sit through a 3 hour movie and some parts were hard to watch. I thought Danny Glover and the girl who played Denver were outstanding, but some editing would have improved it tremendously.

 

Since it's award season I thought a nom for the Worst Movie of the Year (that I've seen) is in order.   So far Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga is a shoe-in.

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I normally avoid Will Ferrell comedies but was curious about about the Oscar nomination.  Turns out it's for the song, which is good, but to my ears very similar to most Oscar nominated songs with the uplifting, soaring vocals. You know the type, as do the writers of them.

Will Ferrell and Rachel McAdams play Lars and Sigrit, an Icelandic couple who enjoy some minor success in a local bar band where the patrons don't want to hear anything other than their one hit "Ja Ja Ding Dong".   Scandinavians deserve a hand for being good sports about it all.

Dan Stevens was a bright spot and McAdams did her best with the material, but Ferrell is getting too old for this shit and insists everything revolve around him. 

The length is excruciating at over 2 hours which also hurts the film.  I slogged all the way through, hoping something unpredictable would happen, but seeing a film in its entirety is not required in this thread.  We are only human.

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I do have to ask: have you ever seen any of the Eurovision Song Contest?  I'm wondering if that makes a difference.  Me, I love the kitschy-ness of Eurovision, so I'm thinking I might have to see the movie.  Although it can't possibly live up to the episode of Father Ted where Ted & Dougal create Ireland's entry.

Edited by proserpina65
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I saw Eurovision and didn’t like it. Wouldn’t call it the worst movie of the year but not a good one. Ferrell is getting too old for this shit.

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9 hours ago, proserpina65 said:

I do have to ask: have you ever seen any of the Eurovision Song Contest?  I'm wondering if that makes a difference.  Me, I love the kitschy-ness of Eurovision, so I'm thinking I might have to see the movie.  Although it can't possibly live up to the episode of Father Ted where Ted & Dougal create Ireland's entry.

I never even knew it was a real thing before this movie,  so if you enjoy that you may well enjoy this too. Admittedly I can't stand Will Ferrell but many others love him, so YMMV.  

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15 hours ago, Razzberry said:

I never even knew it was a real thing before this movie,  so if you enjoy that you may well enjoy this too. Admittedly I can't stand Will Ferrell but many others love him, so YMMV.  

I usually can't stand Will Ferrell, but my interest was piqued by the subject.  The Eurovision contest is so ludicrously out there most of the time that it does seem ripe for parody.  It is directly responsible for my favorite ABBA song - Waterloo was the Eurovision winner in 1974.

1974 Sweden: ABBA - Waterloo (1st place at Eurovision Song Contest in Brighton) - YouTube

Edited by proserpina65
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5 hours ago, proserpina65 said:

The Eurovision contest is so ludicrously out there most of the time that it does seem ripe for parody.

It is. It also took itself quite seriously until about 30 years ago. Since then, it has embraced its camp hard. Making fun of something that is quite self-aware of its camp seems rather redundant. 

Oh, yeah, and I hate Will Ferrell.

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22 hours ago, Razzberry said:

I never even knew it was a real thing before this movie,  so if you enjoy that you may well enjoy this too. Admittedly I can't stand Will Ferrell but many others love him, so YMMV.  

I absolutely love Will Ferrell but he's done way worse movies than that

Holmes & Watson is one of the all time worst I've ever seen
Land of the Lost
The Campaign

 

Eurovision was mediocre to average for me.  I've suffered through far worse for him.  

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Holy Hell. I was bored and came across Travolta’s Gotti, and it was the biggest piece of self-indulgent SHIT I’ve seen in quite some time. The last Gotti movie I saw was years ago on network television starring the much more charismatic Armand Assante (even if that was totally a Pro-Gotti/he was a “GOOOOOD” Mobster piece of crap-hey, I was in my watch all kinds of mafia documentary/movies phase).

What was Travolta doing? Trying to act like how DeNiro would act with that constant frown and head shaking? When the real Gotti ALWAYS had a smug and superior smile on his face? Well, until the end. And suure, cast a skinny ass boy to play Junior, who just reminded me of a brunette Justin Timberlake. BLECH.

I need a palate cleanser.

Edited by GHScorpiosRule
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Another contender, and trust me, the trailer makes it seem much better than it is.  It's so bad that it has NO reviews on RT and opened in Brazil instead of the US.  At almost 21/2 hours I could only stand it for 45 minutes. Just a big old sausage bucket of yelling, shooting, blood, sweat, bad writing and acting.

 

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Metalstorm:  The Destruction of Jared-Syn

in 3D!  It's a Mad Max/Road Warrior rip off.  We went to see it because it was really hot and the theater was air conditioned.  That's probably why we stayed to see the whole thing.  Spoiler alert:  Jared-Syn just disappears, so no real destruction.  The best thing was that we were selected to give our comments on the film.  The entire theater of people just went to town on their little note cards with our miniature golf pencils!  How rare it is to be invited to express your opinion when you really have one!

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Ben & Arthur.  This is often compared to The Room, for gays, but at least Tommy Wiseau put a lot of money into that and hired BTS people who generally knew what they were doing, no matter how insane the material in front of the camera.  

It stars the producer/writer/director as one half of an (ahem) looks-discordant couple who are desperate to get married.  "Inept" doesn't even begin to describe it.  There are sets literally made out of cardboard.  If the guy hadn't self-published a script, I would swear the entire thing is improvised.  I can't even put it out on a scale of good-bad or bad-bad.  The whole thing is utterly confounding and defies description.

 

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Looks like a terrible student film.  Builds your appreciation for low budget movies like New Jersey Shark Attack.

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1 hour ago, meep.meep said:

Looks like a terrible student film.

If only.  If you've got 50 minutes to kill, this explains it better than I could.

 

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Sometimes I worry about losing brain cells by watching too many bad movies.   I knew Gotti with John Travolta was going to be bad when his jailors strapped him to a hand truck like Hannibal Lector in order to visit with his son.  In case we missed it, Gotti doubles down on the comparison.

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It was so silly.  They don't actually transport prisoners that way, it was a freaking movie.  If anything he needed a wheelchair.   

The whole movie was cheap looking like a B-grade Eric Roberts gig.  

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Soapdish by far for me.

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1 minute ago, rcc said:

Soapdish by far for me.

*gasp!*  Bite your tongue!   😉

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Capone   I don't know which is more disturbing (or lethal), his loaded diaper or tommy-gun.

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Edited by Razzberry
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Lawrence Tierney and Jayne Mansfield in Female Jungle.  The trailer is hilarious.

If after watching that and you have 1 hr 10 min to kill, here's the full movie.  I like the mercifully short running times in some of these.

 

Edited by Razzberry

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The Nesting  Sadly the last film of former A-lister Gloria Grahame.  I have to admit that this was actually kind of fun, despite the bad acting.  John Carradine was in it too.

Official synopsis:
A writer suffering from agoraphobia rents an isolated house so she can concentrate on her writing. She doesn't know that the house is a former brothel, and is inhabited by the ghosts of dead prostitutes.

 

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Star Slammer   

Official synopsis:
Two women who have been unjustly confined to a prison planet plot their escape, all the while having to put up with lesbian guards, crazed wardens and mutant rodents.

 

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The Sandpiper  Strike two for Vincente Minelli.  Even the gorgeous scenery in Big Sur and Liz Taylor's big breasts couldn't compensate for the dreary plot, terrible writing, and laughable casting in this lame soap-by-the-sea.

Liz is supposed to be an artistic beatnik and Burton is cast as a married man of the cloth drawn to her free-spirited breasts.  That's my guess, anyway, since I can't see any other attraction.

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This is Minelli's idea of a beach beatnik.

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Charles Bronson is cast as an artist who's made a life size sculpture of Liz out of a giant redwood stump.  The minister is in love all of a sudden.

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He's married to the beige and small breasted Eva Marie Saint, in a thankless nothing role.

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Edited by Razzberry
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Hip hop artist Shock G passed away a couple of days ago. His group, The Digital Underground, did the closing credits song for the awful Nothing But Trouble. The only thing good in that absolute mess of a movie. It's almost impressive how deeply unfunny this movie is given  that it "starred" Chevy Chase, John Candy and Dan Aykroyd. (Although Demi Moore does a good job of being gorgeous throughout the movie.) It rates a 13% on Rotten Tomatoes and I think that's too high.

Anyhow, he's the Digital Underground edit.

 

Edited by xaxat · Reason: l
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On 3/21/2021 at 4:52 PM, GHScorpiosRule said:

Holy Hell. I was bored and came across Travolta’s Gotti, and it was the biggest piece of self-indulgent SHIT I’ve seen in quite some time. The last Gotti movie I saw was years ago on network television starring the much more charismatic Armand Assante (even if that was totally a Pro-Gotti/he was a “GOOOOOD” Mobster piece of crap-hey, I was in my watch all kinds of mafia documentary/movies phase).

What was Travolta doing? Trying to act like how DeNiro would act with that constant frown and head shaking? When the real Gotti ALWAYS had a smug and superior smile on his face? Well, until the end. And suure, cast a skinny ass boy to play Junior, who just reminded me of a brunette Justin Timberlake. BLECH.

I need a palate cleanser.

On 3/31/2021 at 9:42 AM, Razzberry said:

Sometimes I worry about losing brain cells by watching too many bad movies.   I knew Gotti with John Travolta was going to be bad when his jailors strapped him to a hand truck like Hannibal Lector in order to visit with his son.  In case we missed it, Gotti doubles down on the comparison.

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It was so silly.  They don't actually transport prisoners that way, it was a freaking movie.  If anything he needed a wheelchair.   

The whole movie was cheap looking like a B-grade Eric Roberts gig.  

Gotti will always hold a special place in my heart for two reasons:

1. The Honest Trailer and Honest Trailer Commentary is hysterical

2. Gotti is actually a hilarious plot point on the reality show Vanderpump Rules on Bravo. One of the women on Vanderpump Rules was dating one of the producers of Gotti; she's now married to him and they have a kid. She and he went to Cannes for the Gotti premiere. After the film is laughed out of the film festival, she comes back to LA. She tries to explain why Gotti was received so poorly. What she comes up with is ridiculously stupid--Gotti got terrible reviews because movie critics don't like or understand movies about the mafia. A couple of the Vanderpump Rules cast clown that stupidity in their talking heads.

Edited by HunterHunted
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I have to wonder if John Travolta has a huge IRS tax bill he's paying off, or perhaps his 'church' has no retirement plan for their biggest earners.  Another in his string of flops is The Fanatic.

He plays Moose, a mentally challenged #1 fan of a Hollywood-based action hero.  Moose breaks into his house and uses his toothbrush. 

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