Small Talk: Who to Marry, Where to Live, and Other Non-Show Stuff

[David T. Cole]

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[zxy556575]

What would everyone's personal deal-breakers be? For me, religion, politics and smoking. I assume our brilliant panel of experts would already filter out the alcoholics and drug abusers.

 

Religion: I'm a hardcore atheist, so a mild Unitarian is about as far as I'd be willing to go.

Politics: Commie hippie liberal, so yeah.

Smokers: I don't and couldn't deal,

 

Well, also sex I suppose. Not interested in being someone's submissive or in a guy who wants to jump me 3 times a day. I don't fire up at the drop of hat, so put it away, already!

[cpcathy]

Oh wow, Lordonia, you hit the nail right on the head. I was trying to come up with my dealbreakers, and the one that comes immediately to mind is religion. I'm also an atheist, I think being with someone with a hardcore devotion to God and church would be a huge no no for me.

 

And I'm also a huge commie lib!

Edited March 19, 2015 by cpcathy

[Bella]

I cut my list as I got older, but politics, religion, and smoking remain "the big three." I also don't want a bunch of guns in the house, but given where I live and my politics, that's not likely to be an issue. 

[zxy556575]

In fairness (and neatly), it cuts both ways. The pious wouldn't want my heathen taint around them, and devotees of Fox News would have the urge to shove a sock in my mouth fairly soon after meeting.

 

Unless the guy is 65 and retired, he'd better have a job. I don't care what kind it is (although legal is preferable) but I haul my ass to work M-F and so should he.

[Trixie Belden]

I'm a person who believes in God but doesn't attend church and my husband is an atheist - it works for us, but he's easy going about everything.  I couldn't be with a Madelyn Murray O'Hair type.  On the other hand, I couldn't be with a super religious person either.

 

I couldn't ever date/marry a Libertarian or Republican. I lean so far left I'm practically a Socialist.

 

Being a slob or financially irresponsible is a complete deal breaker for me.  

[LakeGal]

I am a huge dog lover.  I could never be with someone that dislikes dogs.  That is a deal breaker for me.  

[Jellybeans]

My dealbreaker is someone who doesn't treat me the way I treat him.

[roamyn]

Someone who doesn't like dogs, who has a a cat, bad b.o., no job, would be my deal breakers,

[PreBabylonia]

What would everyone's personal deal-breakers be? For me, religion, politics and smoking. I assume our brilliant panel of experts would already filter out the alcoholics and drug abusers.

 

Religion: I'm a hardcore atheist, so a mild Unitarian is about as far as I'd be willing to go.

Politics: Commie hippie liberal, so yeah.

Smokers: I don't and couldn't deal,

 

Well, also sex I suppose. Not interested in being someone's submissive or in a guy who wants to jump me 3 times a day. I don't fire up at the drop of hat, so put it away, already!

Agree, although I could deal with sex three times a day if he knew how to get me interested first. Making me breakfast and doing household chores, would be a nice start. Then making me laugh and having something interesting to say. If he could get all that down pat, then I know he'd be great at foreplay. I'm sure we'd have a wonderful time. Couldn't do it every day though.

I'm also on board that he must be a nonsmoker and must love dogs. There is something wrong with people that don't like dogs. Unless there is some traumatic incident in his background. I'd help him with that problem. Also must like to read or at the very least, not brag about avoiding reading. No drug addictions, no heavy drinking, no flirting in front of me (just because that's a bit disrespectful), no huge sports obsessions. Doesn't have to be an alpha male, doesn't have to "take care of me" and I don't think of myself as a princess looking for a fairy tale ending. Just in case I was sounding too demanding - I really don't fit The Bachelorette profiles. I love men that enjoy cooking (I'll do the cleanup) and it's great if he's handy at fixing computers and can do minor car repairs. Those aren't dealbreakers though - just a really great wishlist.

[Snarklepuss]

I am married for 35 years this year and I have to admit I am totally spoiled.  We didn't meet thinking we had to have all these things in common or they'd be deal breakers, but unbelievably we were so well matched we never had any deal breakers.  Well, OK, he's a slob and I'm not.  I always had a stronger sex drive, too.  There are other issues too.  Those things would have been deal breakers if I knew about them beforehand but I guess we grew to compromise over those points.  I think some people say things are deal breakers but if they were to get to know the person without worrying about all that stuff, most of it becomes inconsequential and not a deal breaker at all if you really hit it off.   When one falls in love, a lot of things seem like smaller issues.  I always think that if you go in with a laundry list of wishes you're more bound to be disappointed and not open to the person themselves.  It's kind of self-defeating.  You think it's going to find you a better match but it actually prevents you from being open to the most important things about a person.

[girlplease]

I've recently learned (after dating someone who was a bit of a couch potato) that I need to be with someone who likes to stay active. 

[MsPH]

I thought smoking was a deal breaker for me, but then I fell in love with a smoker. I made him switch to electronic cigarettes though, so it's alright now. We all have our vices and as long as he's not making me put down the chocolate, I can't really make him give up nicotine entirely. No smoke or nasty smells is enough for me.

 

If I someday end up single again, my deal breakers would be similar to the ones already mentioned in this thread. I'm also an atheist, so no religious people please. Agnostic would be alright, but if you're certain there's a god then I can't really relate. Has to not only like dogs, but most animals. People who don't are near psychopaths to me. Has to treat people respectfully by default. No one needs to earn respect, it can only be lost by one's own actions. Everyone deserves respect until they do something to lose it. So being kind-hearted and respectful is an absolute must. Trustworthy also. I don't want to waste one minute wondering if I'm being lied to. Has to also enjoy long walks, seeing new places and learning new things.

[Liberty]

Not certain this is the appropriate forum for this, but it is slightly interesting that each season has had 1 RN on it.

 

Sales is also well represented with S1's Doug, and S2's Ryan R, Jaclyn and Davina.

 

Both nursing and firefighting require unusual schedules, which can put pressure on a M-F 8 - 5 marriage.

 

Wonder how representative these levels of RNs and Salespeople are of the population.

[shopper73]

I think all these professions are people oriented, and usually involve more than the normal level of risk taking, so the pool of those who would marry a stranger would have to share those specific qualities.

Of course would-be actors would also like the exposure.

[Snarklepuss]

I also think that they prefer candidates in "people oriented" professions for a TV show because they tend to be more outgoing types that supposedly make for better TV.

[zxy556575]

Do we even know yet what Doug actually does for a living? I didn't watch any of the Doug/Jamie specials so may be out of the loop.

[shopper73]

I think he works as a salesman for his brother's software company.

[zxy556575]

Pharma sales -- how do they make a commission, anyway? They push their brands to doctors but is there some way of knowing when those specific doctors write prescriptions and the reps get bonuses based on that? The doctors themselves aren't buying anything....

 

Thanks for not making me look it up. ;)

[crazychicken]

The pharma sales industry in the USA seems crazy to me, from the advertisements for drugs on tv to the sales reps being able to see what each doctor prescribed and then going to tell them they are unhappy if they prescribe a drug from the competition (thanks John Oliver) so they can earn a big commision seems slimy to me. Maybe it is just so totally different to what i know, here in Australia prescribed drugs can not be advertised so I go to the doctor and follow their recommendation because I think they are prescribing in my best interests not on what earns them the best bonuses. It was crazy to me while we were in Boston (my brother lives there) that while in a doctors waiting room a sales rep was in the there asking patients symptoms and telling them to ask the doctor for xyz drug.

[Bella]

The one and only thing I will say in favor of pharma reps is this: free samples.

[Bella]

You know, where are all of the people who rave about the sanctity of marriage? I thought that there would be some protests or something from evangelicls and ultra-conservatives...*smirk*

 

Since none of these couples had sex before marriage, maybe there's not a perception of a problem.

 

You should check out Arranged, for which we have a forum. There are three couples: one gypsy, another Indian, and the third what strikes me as a contrived conservative Southern arrangement that's not tied to anything cultural (the marriage was arranged by the mothers, who are besties). That show makes MAFS look like Shakespeare by comparison, btw.

[Raja]

You know, where are all of the people who rave about the sanctity of marriage? I thought that there would be some protests or something from evangelicls and ultra-conservatives...*smirk*

I guess it would only be a problem if there was some court on stand by to provide final scene filmed annulments on demand.

[SaucyMommy]

My son has 5 doctors and we have never been pushed any medication. Always generic. My son has prescriptions for 12 meds. Only 1 is not generic

[crazychicken]

Read some of the news about the Australian version, they are petitioning to have it cancelled as we still do not have legalised same sex marriage so they are annoyed that strangers can get married but same sex couples can not. The funniest thing to come out of it was that the producers in the Aussie version admitted that's they don't get married until 30 days into the experiment. They go through a commitment ceremony and sign an intention to marry and then at the end of the experiment they then decide on if they get legally married, which flies in the face of the whole premise that the participants will to be more willing to work through issues as they are legally married.

[Snarklepuss]

You know, where are all of the people who rave about the sanctity of marriage? I thought that there would be some protests or something from evangelicls and ultra-conservatives...*smirk*

 

Ever read the Bible?  Arranged marriages were common in biblical times, although most often chosen by the parents.  Adam and Eve being the first arranged couple, LOL.

[Snarklepuss]

Since none of these couples had sex before marriage, maybe there's not a perception of a problem.

 

You should check out Arranged, for which we have a forum. There are three couples: one gypsy, another Indian, and the third what strikes me as a contrived conservative Southern arrangement that's not tied to anything cultural (the marriage was arranged by the mothers, who are besties). That show makes MAFS look like Shakespeare by comparison, btw.

 

LOL, I saw a few minutes of that show where the Southern father says something to the effect of how all he cared about was that his daughter marry a "good Christian gentleman".  Yeah, forget about whether they love each other, or even more specifically "in love" with each other.  I suppose that's expected to come later.  The "in love" part of it is not the priority.

[HappilyEverAfter]

Not married yet. Deal breakers for me:

 

smokers

drug addicts

really any addictive personality tendency

Intelligent mind/educated

Also for a future spouse he has to be kind to the elderly, children and animals. Am I asking too much? I currently date someone who could fit the bill. He is a liberal and I am a conservative but we meet in the middle most times as we both get fed up with both sides. He has attended church all his life and I have not very much yet I probably act more pious than he does. I rarely curse and he uses the F word in jest and frustration. He also was sexually active earlier in his teens (14 to my 18). So far together 2 years.

Edited April 26, 2015 by HappilyEverAfter

[HumblePi]

I'd take a smoker over someone that doesn't have good hygiene. I can't deal with scummy teeth, bad breath, pungent armpits and skid marks in underwear, no no and no. Alright, so much for the physical part.

 

Next, I like men that are secure and can make up their mind without hemming a hawing and kicking pebbles with their shoe. Take charge man, just do it!

 

I like a man that's considerate and puts others before himself.

 

I don't care about his religious beliefs, his politics or whether he wants sex 5 times a day or 5 times a month. He needs to like animals and children and be kind to old people. That's it.

[zxy556575]

We can only hope none of these people follow Shriya Patel's example and burn their spouse alive after one week of an arranged marriage. Yikes.

[Jellybeans]

Speaking of those who state politics as a deal-breaker, I am reminded of a political science class I took. It was co-taught by a married couple. The wife was as liberal as they come, the husband very conservative. They were excellent professors.

They disagreed on everything but they treated each other with kindness. Both repeatedly said "she/he is entitled to have beliefs that differ from mine" .

[Neurochick]

I couldn't stand a smoker, and active alcoholic or drug addict, someone with bad hygiene, someone who's not kind, and of course a conservative Republican.  In fact I have a good friend who became pretty conservative and I'm thisclose to telling her to take a hike.  

[Snarklepuss]

Mr. Snarklepuss is a Republican, although not arch conservative.  I am decidedly middle of the road and a registered Democrat (not liberal).  We both started out liberal.  People change over the course of their lives and learn to remain above having politics ruin a relationship.  Otherwise people would be getting divorced at an even faster rate than they do now.  Love really should triumph over things like that, IMHO.  Then again, I suppose if Mr. S turned into a neo Nazi or something equally as offensive I'd feel differently about that, LOL.  Thank goodness that's not the case!

[HappilyEverAfter]

I was a bleeding heart liberal ..yes I confess because my parents brought me up that way. I now consider myself more of a conservative also because I am surrounded by mostly conservatives right now. I voted democrat and for Obama but did not vote in the last election because I was fed up with the no change and empty promises. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel with either party right now so I am not sure I will bother to vote this time either. Sorry I got off topic. I am glad my honey and I can discuss politics. I see his side and he sees mine and we respectfully agree to disagree but if he forced his views down my throat or vice versa we'd be done. I agree with Snarklepuss that people change over time. In 4 short years I have.

[Neurochick]

I agree that people do change in the course of their lives, and experiences change you.  However I volunteer at a food pantry on weekends and if I hear some conservative talk nonsense about how people on welfare go on cruises and eat sirloin steak every day, I would have to smack the shit out of them.  

[Janet Snakehole]

I probably have more deal breakers than Davina!

1. Similar politics/spiritual beliefs

2. Must be ok with no kids in the future

3. Do not drool over other women in front of me/treat women as just sex objects

4. Not overly neat/fussy

5. Must like cats

I am engaged and got pretty much all of this, and actually ended up giving up some things that I initially was convinced were deal breakers, like needing to have a college education. I think everyone has their lines but when it comes down to it, some can be crossed with the right person.

[Liberty]

... I think everyone has their lines but when it comes down to it, some can be crossed with the right person.

 

Well said

[Bella]

Back when I was single, I would let my cats do an early screening before things got physical. No point in wasting that on some guy who flunked the cat test, after all.

 

The worst was when a mostly promising guy and I were sitting on the floor in the living room, drinking wine. My cute little girl cat came over and, from about two inches away, sniffed the smells drifting up from his wine glass. She did not stick her nose in the glass or even touch it. And this bozo sat up straight, looked very indignant, and said "it sniffed my wine." Then he handed me the glass as if it were contaminated.

 

That was it. Had I not had manners, I would have kicked him out at that very moment. People end up sharing germs with their pets, and while I understand not liking it, he totally exaggerated what happened, which I saw. The disdain and the implied order for me to do something about it were both huge turn-offs as well. 

[Janet Snakehole]

Yikes, what an overreaction.

As an animal lover, I believe you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat pets.

[cpcathy]

What a putz. He would have never gotten that far in my household, I'm a huge cat lover!

[SaucyMommy]

Has anyone here used a matchmaking service? I bet they would be better than the "experts."

I met my husband on Eharmony

[JAndy]

I met my husband online as well.

[Snarklepuss]

The worst was when a mostly promising guy and I were sitting on the floor in the living room, drinking wine. My cute little girl cat came over and, from about two inches away, sniffed the smells drifting up from his wine glass. She did not stick her nose in the glass or even touch it. And this bozo sat up straight, looked very indignant, and said "it sniffed my wine." Then he handed me the glass as if it were contaminated.

 

Ouch, what a putz.  That reminds me of when I did the dating sites when Mr. Snarklepuss and I were almost divorcing (which ended up never happening).  I had a similar situation with a mostly promising guy sitting on the floor of his living room drinking wine, only it was kind of the opposite.  Now mind you, I am a dog lover from way back.  Grew up with dogs, mother belonged to kennel club, went to dog shows, helped her clip dogs, etc.  Anyway, while I'm sitting on this guy's living room floor his big wooly sheepdog came bounding in and tackled him.  As I watched him stroke and cuddle with her I was impressed that he was so affectionate with her.  This went on for quite a while to the point where I was feeling a tad uncomfortable without knowing why.  It was like he was paying more attention to the dog all evening than me.  He kept telling me that he was giving her lots of love because she was old and had some medical issues.  Then suddenly the dog straddled him, put her paws on his shoulders and began licking him on the lips and he freaking licked BACK!  She would come over and do this every few minutes and seriously it looked like he was freaking making out with the dog.  Now mind you, a little dog licking never grossed me out before, but this was so creepy and weird I almost wanted to put my wine glass down and call it a night right there.  In fact, it wasn't long before I made up some excuse about having to get up early for a meeting and went home.  He seemed like a decent guy, too.  An engineer with the DOT.  Perhaps a little on the nerdy/Dilberty side, but not bad looking.  It takes a lot to creep me out like that especially with a dog, though.  I could not get past it, I admit. 

[SaucyMommy]

OMG I had someone break things off with me from Eharmony because our immediate families (our cats) were not going to blend together long term. FOR SERIOUS

[Snarklepuss]

Dude...he's fucking that dog.

 

Yeah, I couldn't believe the way my stomach turned watching the way he smooched with that dog.  My stomach knew something was very wrong there.  And I couldn't believe the guy seemed so clueless about how it looked.  He acted like it was completely normal!

[aradia22]

 

What would everyone's personal deal-breakers be? For me, religion, politics and smoking. I assume our brilliant panel of experts would already filter out the alcoholics and drug abusers.

I'm on the younger side and didn't start dating until fairly recently. I don't know how much that affects my viewpoint but I don't have major deal breakers. It's more like I'm looking for compatibility and I can sense it when points of incompatibility arise. For instance, religion is not a big deal for me so it's not an issue when it comes to dating unless the other person makes it a big deal. I would describe myself as more centrist on politics though I'm somewhat left-leaning socially and I hate Fox News with a passion (but that's not about politics, that's because it's awful and it's on way too many hours in the day in my house). But it wouldn't bother me to date someone with different political beliefs unless again, there were those major points of incompatibility. I don't know. I just can't think of good qualities that I'd use to write off a person. It's more of a case by case basis thing. I really can't stand cigarette smoke or the smell that lingers on smokers but if I met someone who was fantastic in a hundred other ways I feel like we could find a way to work it out.

 

What would everyone's personal deal-breakers be? For me, religion, politics and smoking. I assume our brilliant panel of experts would already filter out the alcoholics and drug abusers.

I'm on the younger side and didn't start dating until fairly recently. I don't know how much that affects my viewpoint but I don't have major deal breakers. It's more like I'm looking for compatibility and I can sense it when points of incompatibility arise. For instance, religion is not a big deal for me so it's not an issue when it comes to dating unless the other person makes it a big deal. I would describe myself as more centrist on politics though I'm somewhat left-leaning socially and I hate Fox News with a passion (but that's not about politics, that's because it's awful and it's on way too many hours in the day in my house). But it wouldn't bother me to date someone with different political beliefs unless again, there were those major points of incompatibility. I don't know. I just can't think of good qualities that I'd use to write off a person. It's more of a case by case basis thing. I really can't stand cigarette smoke or the smell that lingers on smokers but if I met someone who was fantastic in a hundred other ways I feel like we could find a way to work it out.

[zxy556575]

NO ONE should be fighting that bitterly with someone they barely know and have no emotional history with, which makes it clear they're a terrible personality match and can only bring out the worst in each other.

 

Bringing this over from the episode thread to say preach!

 

I personally have Issues from (of course) my childhood and a stepfather who physically abused my mother that make me avoid conflict at all costs. I have never argued -- never! -- in 45 years and over the course of five serious relationships. When I'm upset I either shut down into myself or walk away.

 

EXCEPT! With my last marriage, when I turned into a rage-filled, shouting, foul-mouthed demon. I even punched him in the stomach once when he kept saying, "You want to hit me, don't you? So hit me!" He had a hair-trigger temper for no reason and it would make me furious when he'd get angry over nothing. Things like this would issue from me, "YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN TO CONTROL YOUR TEMPER!!!"

 

So yeah. I'm quite familiar with bringing out the worst in each other and absolutely agree with regard to Jessica and Ryan. I really can't castigate either one for the behavior we've seen here because I think it's atypical for both of them.

Edited May 7, 2015 by lordonia

[Waterlilly]

Happy Mother' s Day my friends!

[Neurochick]

What a putz. He would have never gotten that far in my household, I'm a huge cat lover!

 

Wow, you really DO have manners, I would have smacked the shit out of him, thrown him out the house and told him if he ever called me again I would call the police.  Yes, I love cats.  

[HappilyEverAfter]

I have never tried a dating site. I hope I never need to. A few friends have and had to weed through too many creeps.