SnarkKitty

1. Simon is a thirsty wannabe; I take anything he says with a grain of salt as he's also a habitual liar. 2. My bathroom apartheid is real. I don't like contractors using my bathroom and I won't even share my bathroom with my husband HOWEVER if I was working with a crew of 3-4 people for the past eight years, and they spent hours upon hours in my house AND I had multiple bathrooms, I'd feel like a right asshole making them use a port-a-potty instead of setting one aside for their use (and asking to be reimbursed for necessary cleaning.) And wrt right assholes ... 3. I could have a pocket full of fucks and I wouldn't spare a single one for what MTV is doing to that entitled, plasticized, overly indulged, build-a-body, unintelligent, heinous, RACIST sociopathic asshole c*** of a wildebeest known to us as Farrah Abraham. That karma is LONG delayed. She is without question the absolute worst of the pile of waste that assembled forms the Teen Mom franchise. Every one of them has been ruined by the fame and money to an extent, but she has been ruined beyond redemption. But, you know. Mileage, vary.

D. N. R. ... Do Not Resuscitate

Yeah I watched and rewatched that a few times, and it was clearly Janelle grabbing at whatever he had in his hand and trying to go at him and he was holding her off. Later he basically contained her arms and pushed her into the back seat. He didn't hit her, and as much as I am against men hitting women, he's also NOT required to stand there and let her whale on him. I think he was very restrained frankly, and hustled her off and away from him. Then goes to jail for his troubles, when SHE'S the one assaulting HIM. That was fucked up. Janet! Always so reasonable, even to people who don't deserve it (Suzie). Also miss GetInKailsAss Joe. I'm glad he's more mature now and doesn't let her get him riled up, but she was a royal snot for no reason and I'm glad he knocked her down to size with "who the hell are you to think you're better because you're in school now? You didn't even get as far as I did!" and not wanting to give herself

I was all about David after his smackdowns and letting her know his shit was just fine thanks. He should have added "It's nice you've been planning this wedding for 18 years. Did you consider the person you were marrying might have some ideas? Or were you just going to pop him into place like it's not his wedding too?" But I'm not giving him advice, 'cause he lost me with next week's previews. Clearly it calls for a pink lace ankle-length dress with white chunky heels, DUH.

"Down these Mean Girl Streets"

This is one of those "if you don't know, I can't tell you" situations. I wasn't "shocked" either. Because that particular combination of words says *everything* I always thought about her. Paula wasn't a "piece of shit." (Which, wow, period.) She was "a black piece of shit." Farrah had that one on her lips in no time at all. It's clear Paula was a menace when drunk. So instead of leaving her the fuck alone, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DID, Farrah the perennial fucking buttinsky who never saw a situation she couldn't put her two cents in on, just had to get into it. Notice nobody else did. Just her, and her parents as tag alongs. She's such an on-camera gangster. "You wanna talk to me like that? I'm gonna escalate it even more!" One of these days, she's going to run across someone who doesn't give a fuck about a Debra or Michael. And who's gonna knock her the fuck out without a camera in sight to stop them. Kendra did kind of make it about her, but at the same time I'm glad she didn't let it slide by like everyone else did. FWIW, if I were there and she called someone a "gay piece of shit." I'd have jumped to defense on behalf of my family - it doesn't have to be me directly, you aren't saying that shit in my presence.

Except ... not even that.

Weellll.... since neither I nor Ramona was invited to the wedding, I'm free to make it my biggest concern. She gets to be tacky, I get to judge her for it. Seems like a fair trade off to me. And if it weren't her getting married, the Countess would be sitting right next to me talking shit. Hell, she'd beat ME to the punch, the first one tsk-tsking them for trying to jump on a ship that has sailed. It might not be your mother's 50 anymore, but there are just some things grizzled old birds should leave to the spring chickens. But when they don't ... TWoP.

Lu can do whatever she wants (and seems like she did.) But I'm never not gonna think it's tacky that she's playing My First Wedding at her age. The long white gown, the white veil, the maids <snort> of honor ... no, girl. Doesn't matter to me that it's her first real wedding. If she wasn't trying so hard to lock down that title the first time, she could have waited and planned that fairytale wedding instead of rushing off to City Hall two weeks after meeting her wallet, err... first husband. Now - from where I'm sitting - it just looks sad, pathetic and try-hard at her age. But I wish them luck. Hilarious her make a big exit out of leaving because she was meeting Tom, like anybody was supposed to give a good damn. "Okay everyone, I'm leaving to meet Tom now! See how I'm beaming with love and joy while I make this announcement and ... " only to give up with a "screw it, they don't give a damn" and slinking out. Like the election, I wish this wedding was already over with. She's so shrieky and desperate about the whole thing and thinks everyone's world is revolving around her love life. Also, LuAnn with income is insufferable. She's the biggest bitch of all when she can lord the bucks over the rest. Too bad she has to keep marrying men who won't settle just for her to do it. Only if you take your life lessons from reality TV. I'm sayin'. You just KNOW she was the talk of the town. And not in a good way. Drank too much there ... also the Palladium. And the Roxy. Speaking of, whatever happened to that club behind the kitchen they hung out in for one season?

No, we do not! She was being entirely extra. Apparently Tinsley (or someone) said she looked like an old lady or something so she was telling her that she traded in the stroller for the car, which made her look cooler. Let me be walking down the street and one of these chicks run into me with that car ... That ice made me want to vomit. And I'm so sick of seeing the dog shit, and especially how they pick it up with a dry tissue ... AND THAT'S ALL. No cleaning or pet neutralizing spray, no hot water and soap, nothing. Just pick up the shit and leave the vestiges behind. And Carole had the nerve to put food out in that nasty, hairball of an apartment? UGH. For such expensive real estate most of those apartments I wouldn't walk into, never mind eat in. Bethenny's is the only place that feels clean to me right through the TeeVee. I'd eat at her house. Hell, I'd use the bathroom at her house. [highest praise] Yup, and yup. I'm sorry, if you're just going to be reasonable and not ascribe all sorts of ridiculous motives to an everyday situation, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. YES. There are no more decluttering/organizing shows, and I don't know why. Lord knows I have issues with ol' Beth and how she's occasionally too reckless with that mouth in certain company, but I would watch her throw shit out (TM MotorCityMom65) and throw zingers at both the people and their stuff every day. And then make it pretty. I always love her homes. Nobody wants SkinnyGirl stuff anymore, so let's get SkinnyStorage going. Especially in NYC, who can keep all their shit? Ain't nobody got time (and space) for that! C'mon, Container Store, get behind this.

I'm in the "he was already leaving so wasn't fired but still could have talked shit" camp. That said, this particular lie I call bullshit on, because think about it - who would have known about the encounter? Porsha didn't tell anybody, in fact she lied until Kandi brought it out. Phaedra never told Porsha that she was going to be drugged and raped, until after the whole "you wanted to $$%5 me until I $#%Q%" bomb as dropped. So where in this is anybody telling CARLOS KING of all people about Porsha and Kandi? Because you know if he had, it would have been out there. The only people who knew were keeping it to themselves, namely Porsha, Todd and Kandi. If not for the "in the closet" comment Kandi has no reason to say "hypocrite, what??" And Phaedra never brings up the drug/rape until after that "Yeah girl, I heard they were gonna drag you in their dungeon after that night." Remember, unless they were all acting (and I don't think they're that good) even her besties Don and Carmen didn't know until she told and showd the post. So again, when, when was Carlos supposed to have dropped this bag into Phaedra's teacup? Thank you so very much for bringing these bones! No, girl. They weren't throwing those rocks at you when you were 6, they were returning them to you, they were dropping out of your head as you marched by.

Heaven help me, I thought she looked ... good. I too liked the hair. I think I'm most glad that she's decided that Shelly Winters no longer = goals. Hmm.... seeing a trend here :) Anytime I start to feel any kinds of bad for Michael or Deborah, I remember they raised this deplorable person, and the way she treats them is certainly a result of her upbringing ('cause if my kids even DREAMED of talking to me like she does, they'd better wake up apologizing), which they're responsible for. And if they REALLY wanted respect, and this includes Simon, they'd stop (especially Deborah) selling their dignity to stay on Tee$Vee$ and in the mix of all the Farrah appearances. And then I eat popcorn.

Listening now - there's definitely nastiness towards Kandi and Todd, probably because she won't give her the time of day. And I'm not taking anything she says "Phaedra told her" as gospel - I'm merely enjoying the revealing of how much shit Phaedra talks, and what type of stuff she puts out there. Now, I *do* believe that Phaedra has actually said these things to this Kimberly person (not that it's true). Because knowing she could be sued by Phaedra for slander, she's putting it out there on video. You don't do that foolishness if you don't have the confirmation that she said it. Shady Phae-Phae. It could all been so different...

Hot off the presses ... the oft-mentioned Atlanta gossip vlogger Cadillac Kimberly, who was good friends with Phaedra before she did her dirty (notice a trend?). Suffice to say, it's Mad Day. I haven't even listened yet, grabbed it off Twitter. Supposed to be fire, tho :) But Creonta seems to be holding up well ... http://www.tmz.com/2017/05/08/phaedra-parks-lingerie-divorce/

No lie, Christopher Williams and Al. B. Sure are used so often/interchangeably as light-skinneded shorthand, I seriously had to stop for a minute and realize, oh damn, yeah, she really DOES mean Christopher Williams, he was on the show for a hot minute, bahahahaha...

@ZaldamoWilder - 'cause you give so very much more than you take, a little something extra:

In the "did she or didn't she" get fired, Phaedra's removed RHoA from her Twitter and Facebook profile. And everyone who did get asked back still has it there. I would say I can't believe there are people out there defending her, saying it's Kandi's fault because she wasn't a good friend, and it's Porsha's fault because she was told behind closed doors - not Phaedra's fault for lying in the first place... ... but she knows her audience. She's going to ignore it and they'll throw some xtianity at it, absolve her and she'll be back to lying and fleecing in no time. This isn't the first time she's been clearly busted lying about something we all saw take place (just arguably the worst), and it won't be the last. And yah, Kenya might have been annoying by Greek-chorusing it up, but sheeeet! Let somebody lie on me like that, knowing their husband made it up and then I'm sitting there while she's caught in another one dead to rights? Oh, I AM IN IT. I'm co-signing, I'm instigating, I'm calling people to tell them "you will not BELIEVE what just happened! Thisbish is caught!" Yes ma'am. Today, next Tuesday at 2, AND on Friday at 1pm. And then again on Sunday, 'cause I'm not burdened with such things that would cause an exception.

I'm mad at you for this. No you didn't hit her with this! I'm done. Yup - ALL this. That right there. I'm mad at how she went into instant victim mode, and managed to escape her part once again. The one satisfaction is by doing so she left Phaedra in that pot stewing all alone thinking "Well damn, yeah I told her, but I didn't tell the dumbass to repeat it! Why is SHE escaping responsibility?" I fully believe that's what that little sideways "Oh, so *I'm* the 'villain now'" was all about. Because she's a liar and a sociopath, but she wasn't alone. She knew Porsha was only too happy to throw that info in Kandi's face and likely ki-ki'd with her about it with no remorse but couldn't say that for fear Porsha would get agitated and really spill some more. And Porsha. She can miss me with that "I was shocked and said 'really girl? Did she mean it? Was she joking? How did she say it?' and that 'I ASKED Kandi and then I let it go." Girl, bye. No you didn't. You did what you always do - try and deflect your responsibility with a bigger lie. Gleefully threw it in her face and sat back smugly. Only difference was, this wasn't a lie of your making so you were even HAPPIER because you thought you really had something to get back at Kandi for revealing the truth that would take the light off of your it never happened!/how could I know if it happened?/well maybe it happened.../so what if it happened, you're a __________ tale. And uh yeah, I was kinda noticing the slower stream of posts and *crickets* myself ... had it been Kenya, these servers would have been shut down ...

Why didn't they just call this show "PUMPERS!" Check out our hee-larious hi-jinks! It's exhausting. They may be like that personality wise in real life, but it's no documentary - I called "Pumpers" putting the Fit Bit counter on the dog as soon as they tracked her and was so proud of her progress. I'm totally missing what's so fascinating about this woman, seriously. I'm over "we TOTALLY should be on reality TV, we're so mad cap!" shows. Including Christley Knows Best. I don't try to keep up with the Kardashians either. I usually give them a full pass. If that kid really was legit pissed about losing her sippy cup, that says everything. Pumpers work here is done, having raised 3 kids too fucking lazy to sit up and drink grape kool-aid on themselves at night...from a cup that she prepares before bed like baby bottles. There are so many things wrong here that the cup it's in is the LEAST of the issues here. I didn't watch when it came on, and read a few "it's not what I thought" comments so having nothing to watch and nothing on the DVR (!!) I decided to watch it on Demand. I agree with those who wondered why it wasn't on TLC or WE. Meh.

My most important question was: Who gets the penthouse, and can Lu pull off a Charlotte in the inevitable divorce? I'm a bona fide, arm-scratching, vein-slapping political junkie. The morning after the election I got on a plane to P.R. headed to a political conference on a full plane of the most subdued, bleary-eyed (and in some cases, like mine) liquor-numbed Dems you've ever seen in your life. Airports are awesome, they serve liquor all day long. I was thankful for a week where I could escape TV and when I couldn't, it was in a language I don't speak. All that to say, even *I* don't want to watch this storyline. It's just as likely it was said, as not. Nothing gets between MJ and his $$ - fact. He's not putting that at risk for you, not Bishop Tutu, nor Jesus Christ himself. Now remind me, was just one, or were both of these couples on "Married at First Sight?" Eff that! I'LL marry Tommy for that terrace and he can screw anyone he wants, as long as I can open those doors, walk out with a glass of wine and gaze across all mid-Manhattan whilst I cook. *tries to look grateful for small, single-door terrace not near kitchen with a view of the neighbors right across the courtyard in upper Manhattan.* I can tell you the foyer has the same type of wood used in many lobbies here - we're mulling it for our own. And glad you said it, I didn't want to be petty (alone) but yeah that flooring definitely looked like laminate to me. I'm also a RE junkie and a reno 'ho so I extended the screen to take in every inch. Everything in the place seemed a little old (that green marble around the fireplace, ugh!!) but no worries, despite all her "delight" (and that was NOT mid-century modern, Lu! Watch your mouth calling that mess my beloved MCM) I have no doubt old Lu's gonna make redecorating her first task. And I don't blame her, I would too.

WORST. TRADE. EVER. The Queen stays the Queen - nobody will beat her record of wins. For me, the fun is done. I'll be back when it's time for the bitter jury...

I didn't know what could top last week's episode ... until this week. Best parts: 1. Sandra looking in the camera after convincing JT Michaela ate the sugar. 2. Michaela sipping "tea" at Tribal. 3. Michaela and Sandra laughing together after Sandra confesses. 4. Debbie's crazy. 5. Aubree being all "who gives a fuck" about not even caring to remember her tribe's name. Also, who gives a damn if Michaela had a spoon of sugar and 7 drops of coffee? The reward belonged to the tribe, and everyone can enjoy it however they want to. Nobody owes JT a damned thing just because he uses sugar for his coffee, and she doesn't drink the coffee. He should be glad that there's more for him. Not bitching because all the extras aren't there for his coffee if someone else has some too.

It's the scene where Kail is getting her hair curled in the makeup chair. (Keep the torture to a minimum.)

Almost didn't watch anymore after the first episode because it was super corny. But a dearth of TV options if one doesn't watch "America entertains you!/murder/vampires/fairytale/time traveler/cops/firemen/doctor/CSI in every city" type of shows meant taking my picky ass back for second helpings. Glad I did, as I agree with everyone who stated the show hit its stride halfway through. Yes, Star remained annoying. Yes, I still couldn't understand why she was supposed to be so great. But everyone else around her became so much better, it made her bearable. Plus Lenny. And Naomi. And Benjamin. I mean ... Fully on board for Season 2.

So wait, we just gonna ignore Kail's "I was thinking of opening a store selling only black clothes" comment, followed by "I like everything black. My clothes, my men, my (something I forgot)."