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All Episodes Talk: All Rise


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She kept saying "currently" to describe past activities.

 

So many of them do that! "I was currently incarcerated/in rehab/unemployed/pregnant last month/year." It bugs me no end.

 

I wish just once JJ would ask one of them, "What does "currently" mean?"

Edited by AngelaHunter
  • Love 5
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Live Free and Drive If you live in New Hampshire, by all means, don't get car insurance. Save your money and use it to get a Gadsden flag tattooed on your lower back. Then when you cause an accident, go to court and look like an idiot trying to defend your poor driving skills. You may be incarcerated, but you'll look good in the jailhouse shower. Live free or die! 

 

Motorcycle Tempest in a Trailer Park One wonders how some people can swallow, they are so beyond brain dead. When one is an unemployed single mother living with strangers, the best decision is to buy that most basic of human necessities, a motorcycle, for those strangers and/or your "fiance" to compliment the child, cat and dog you already cannot take care of. If you have to write reminders to yourself to close your mouth when a fly flies by, please, stop having children and stop getting pets. 

 

Bonus Points Was that a baby bump?

Edited by Rice-a-Roni
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She kept saying "currently" to describe past activities.

So many of them do that! "I was currently encarcerated/in rehab/unemployed/pregnant last month/year." It bugs me no end.

Thank you Coyote & Angela!  That drives me bonkers.  I thought it was just me.

Mobile home park, thank you.  It's only a trailer if it hooks onto the back of another vehicle.

But "trailer trash" sounds so much better than mobile trash. ;-)

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Here's my shitty recap in ToasterStrudel's absence (I'll make up some titles if I can think of something clever):

 

1st case: TVOne Presents... Yeah, I don't really know what all happened because I was too distracted by the fact that it looked like Bookman from Good Times got a shape up and decided to sue Shirley from What's Happenin', so that had me pretty fucked up for the majority of their case. Also, he seemed like he was one of those people that likes lawsuits.

I missed this episode and I am sorry that I missed it!!  The pic in my head that I have of this episode is awesome.

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Anyway, if I were out with a man who was staring at a screen during dinner, I wouldn't just change tables. I'd ask for a doggie bag, take my dinner (I'd never waste food!) and leave entirely, hurling a "Fuck you" at him as I flounce out in high dudgeon. I even refuse to enable "Call waiting" on my antedeluvian landline.

 

This is like the best thing ever. AngelaHunterShannonJones, you're the very definition of crotchety, and it's a beautiful thing to behold.

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I thought it was just me. re: "Currently"

 

No. I've mentioned it here before. But sometimes they like to say "was presently" instead, just to mix it up, I guess.

 

you're the very definition of crotchety,

 

 

Thank you. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in ages!

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Rolly polly defendant could have a career doing voice-overs for the chipmunks or the Munchkins if they do a remake of the Wizard of Oz. 

 

Ha! HAH HAH HAH! HAAAAAA! I'm dyin' here. I thought she might have swallowed a bubble or some shit, but she could turn that liability into some cash if she "worked." 

Edited by Rice-a-Roni
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No one has mentioned another of Drunk Girl no. 1's phrases....that the car she hit was "Auburn Orntch". I'm not sure if she was referring to Auburn university or not.

I love my ortnch juice in the morning!

 

It took me several days to interpret, but I think she said "it was a burnt orange".   There IS a color called "burnt orange", isn't there?  From the 70's maybe? 

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Mobile home park, thank you.  It's only a trailer if it hooks onto the back of another vehicle.

Uh oh, all y'all Eagle eyes are slacking on here. Didn't y'all notice they "mobile home" people were from FLORIDA? Specifically Lakeland (more like central Florida). I swear they were from the same place as the Meth Faced Waitress who aimed her car at the neighbors last season. 

 

 

The daughter looked like Hispanic Kelly Osbourne circa 2003. But yeah, JJ was carrying on over the lack of driver's insurance, as she tends to do. But I laughed when she called the dad a noodnik. That was such a genuine Jewish grandmother moment, with the Yiddish and whatnot.

Kellita "Frog Face" Osbournita's headband was on so tight that the reset button didn't work. She kept saying it wasn't her fault as if the mama was pulling a string in her back. Live free, drive stupid or DIE, New Hampshire folks (Or as my daughter used to call it, New Hampster lol)

 

When I first moved to Florida, we used to have to get a smog check every year. We failed the first year (and this was a decent car, not a car of my previously mentioned hoopty collection). We called a local mechanic who told use to drive the car down to just about empty and bring it it - and lo and behold, we passed. And they didn't charge us either. 

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WTH Intervention plaintiff? Chick, you are either one of the most desperate individuals we've seen in a while or you're in the thick of the drugs and gambling too. You spent Sept.-April with an unemployed meth-head gambler (who claimed that he was a window-washer turned IHOP worker with a hefty 401K account) who hit you up several times a month for more money than you earn. He claimed he and his family were being threatened because of the debts he racked up. I'm sorry, but I don't think a woman with such repeatedly poor decision-making skills should be working in any profession that involves children.

 

I didn't even understand why she was trying to sue him, when she knows he can't even pay for the drugs and gambling he's addicted to, and he's jobless. I mean, maybe she thought there was a slim chance that she'd get some cash from JJ, but now she's on national TV letting everyone know she poured all this money she didn't even have into this loser.

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she knows he can't even pay for the drugs and gambling he's addicted to, and he's jobless.

 

Oh, but he was going to pay her with the money from his (all together now) income tax returns!

 

Yeah, when you're madly in love (snicker) you fall for dumb shit like that.

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So I don't get it. I saw this Tweet from Judge Judy (well, whoever runs JJ's Twitter account). It says, "Can't wait for the 20th Season tomorrow!" Well, who-wha now? Was Patricia A. Bean just a group hallucination? I refuse to believe that episode was just kinda tacked as an afterthought to the end of summer rerun season.

 

They better top Patricia A. Bean for their new/not-new season opener -- which, honestly, I don't think can be done.

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I heard someone yakking on her phone while she was taking a pee in a restaurant bathroom!

 

 

It's okay to do that, so long as you tell the person you're talking to that you're on the toilet.  That's the New Etiquette, apparently.  Two or three times a week I go into the men's room and there are co-workers on the phone while they're on the pot.  Fart, squish, splash.

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Well that's just all kinds of wrong!  Can we call/write/storm your local station to get this injustice righted? Maybe I'll just tape them, and hold off until the recaps. (Will you still be doing them?!)

 

I've got (maybe) new stuff during the day when the reruns used to show. But the descriptions don't match the cases. Today I caught part of one with a snappy guy in a purple shirt and tie, and a half-awake/stoned former girlfriend arguing over a Cadillac that had been "boughten". Didn't see the beginning, but unlike Shannon Five-Shots, this gal looked like Nicole Five-Xanaxes.  

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My Judge Judy broadcast is now at 16:00 and on a different channel!  No more previews!

 

OMG, thank you Toaster! Upon reading that I ran to check my TeeVee and sure enough, JJ is now on at 4:00, right after TPC and on a different channel.

I am chagrined. I'm used to watching my recorded ep during dinner - so as to skip all the nasty ads ("Are you tired of using dirty catheters??") and this messes everything up.:( *pouts*

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Case 1 -- the moral of the story is "You're too involved to be just the babysitter." She sleeps over the dad's house 5 nights/week....ooops, he only works 3 nights/week. She rides along for the custody exchange - not to start shit, oh no - but so dad can ride in the carpool lane! Watch out, "babysitter," almost ex-wife Mrs. Chama has a coffee mug and knows how to use it!

 

When JJ voices her suspicions about Ms. Mando sleeping with the dad, Ms. Mando just flashed a toofy grin and gave a weak 'no.' As she said in the hallterview, she's never been caught in the bed. Bed evidence or not, JJ found unwavering proof that both litigants are idiots.

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Today was a rerun:

 

The good samaritan neighbor whose cat was killed by a stray dog. The Defendants looked like The Joker and Harley Quinn without their makeup and one of their evil pets got out.

 

The chick suing the dude who looks like he makes drops for his uncle who's in the mob. Girl, his eyebrows look like bullshit. Why would you give him any money?

 

Smash cut into an episode titled S20/01

 

The first case was interesting. The Defendant's name was Emeldah Chama. That sounds like a prayer from the Necronomicon. The Plaintiff sounds like an Over Concerned Side Chick. And JJ was right when she said it sounded like he was bringing her along so she could give Baby Mama the business. That's...bitchassness.

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I think it's *possible* the babysitter wasn't boinking the babydaddy. But if she wasn't, she definitely *wants* to, and is probably using the logic of thinking if he sees her all the time at his house taking care of his kids anyway, maybe she can just sliiiiiiiiiiide right into position between those sheets.

 

Either way, JJ could have cleared it up real fast: just ask the babysitter how much she's getting paid to watch the kids. If it's a low enough figure (probably with some mumbled excuses as to why), well, then there's our answer right there.

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Mobile home park, thank you.  It's only a trailer if it hooks onto the back of another vehicle.

And it's not a 'mobile' home if it has been planted in the dirt for 20 years- correct?

 

Or maybe it's called mobile in anticipation of the inevitable tornado roaring through. 

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Wow.  Does this girl (babysitter) normally get away with shit?  I think she does!  She is a grinning liar, and entitled, and she NEEDED a ceramic cup upside the head!  The defendant had way more restraint than I would have had in the same situation.  Shame on that girl!  Go get your own man!

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Enemy Babysitter - The hand that rocks the cradle makes frivolous calls to CPS about the defendant (mother/ex-wife) over accusations so vague she could barely verbalize them, and over "incidents" that logically must have happened under the father's (ex-husband) care... and even serves her legal papers! That is some nerve.  The father couldn't see his kids for a month but he needed a babysitter 5 nights a week for his penis during this time.  As soon as the penis sitter used the word 'disrespect' I knew the altercation was right around the corner.  I was amazed with the defendant pulling out a ceramic mug from her car to toss at the sitter.  Ceramic!  That's classy... and then, marvel of marvels, she pulled another ceramic mug to bash her again! Wow!  Does she have those little hooks in the car to display her china cups?  A car Keurig, maybe?  I loved the penis sitter's statements that the defendant, who had twins with the absent object of their affection, had only been married for 'papers.'  Right.  For papers, and for having twins.  In the hallterview the penis sitter brought up once again how much the kids loved her, with a shit-eating grin, a boast that doubles as a dig into the mother's heart.  I am impressed with the defendant not pulling out more ceramic in the hallterview, she has more self-control than I do.  4 gavels for JJ calling out the penis sitter over and over.

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So weird. Today's episode was labeled "Season Premiere" and "20th Anniversary" added to the title graphics. Maybe the new episodes last week were to catch up on the ones missed last season? (I remember we had longer than normal spell of reruns -- did we ever find out why?)


-----

And yeah, the 'Babysitter' was more than a babysitter, or trying to be.

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Hallterview:  "I am important!"  Yea, because most 30-year old sleep-over-babysitters/process servers/HOV occupants are. Ickity ick. She just gave me the creeps.   I loved both parties' names today. Just a lovely assortment of letters. (No, really!) Very musical.

 

How was she allowed to tell the whole story about what the father told her, and what the mother told the father? I guess just to let her dig the hole deeper? Wonderfully excellent resolution to this case.

 

I was a bit distracted by the woman with green hair behind Baindu.  I know it was the lighting, but it was kind of like the woman in glasses from earlier seasons who always had the bright green dots in the middle of her eyes. Sometimes the gallery is more interesting to watch.

 

ETA:  Great recap, as always, Toaster Strudel.  I was wondering how on earth to summarize this.  I found all the bleeping out very confusing as well. 

Edited by SandyToes
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ETA:  Great recap, as always, Toaster Strudel.  I was wondering how on earth to summarize this.  I found all the bleeping out very confusing as well. 

 

They also bleeped out a word that JJ called the babysitter; it probably wasn't anything too bad, but I wonder what she said!

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Classic line from the Penis Sitter (talking about the Defendant): "[she's] saying negative things out of her mouth."

I love when dummies say things they think will convince other people they're smart.

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The Defendants looked like The Joker and Harley Quinn without their makeup

 

 

Classic line from the Penis Sitter (talking about the Defendant): "[she's] saying negative things out of her mouth."

 

 

As opposed to saying them out of what? Does she usually talk though her ears, or her ASS?

 

I haven't even watched this and I'm dying of laughter already.

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Enemy Babysitter - The hand that rocks the cradle makes frivolous calls to CPS about the defendant (mother/ex-wife) over accusations so vague she could barely verbalize them, and over "incidents" that logically must have happened under the father's (ex-husband) care... and even serves her legal papers! That is some nerve.  The father couldn't see his kids for a month but he needed a babysitter 5 nights a week for his penis during this time.  As soon as the penis sitter used the word 'disrespect' I knew the altercation was right around the corner.  I was amazed with the defendant pulling out a ceramic mug from her car to toss at the sitter.  Ceramic!  That's classy... and then, marvel of marvels, she pulled another ceramic mug to bash her again! Wow!  Does she have those little hooks in the car to display her china cups?  A car Keurig, maybe?  I loved the penis sitter's statements that the defendant, who had twins with the absent object of their affection, had only been married for 'papers.'  Right.  For papers, and for having twins.  In the hallterview the penis sitter brought up once again how much the kids loved her, with a shit-eating grin, a boast that doubles as a dig into the mother's heart.  I am impressed with the defendant not pulling out more ceramic in the hallterview, she has more self-control than I do.  4 gavels for JJ calling out the penis sitter over and over.

A car Keurig! That's the funniest thing I've read all day!

Good gravy, that babysitter was a piece of work. Actually, she was a piece of something else, but I think JJ already called her something similar.

Much like Pat Bean, she made me wonder who these people are who have so much time on their hands. Even in the unlikely event that she's not boinking the absent piece of shit father of the twins, why is she all up in their divorce? He's clearly telling her horrible things about his estranged wife, and she's believing all of it.

Personally, I don't trust anyone who dogs out their ex that much. She just married him for papers but then had twins with him? Yeah, right. Someone upthread said the babysitter should get her own man. I'm fine with her having this one, and I suspect the estranged wife is too. He sounds like a real prince. Let me bring my side piece along for the custody exchange and then encourage her to call CPS on the mother of my children. I think the wife is upset because the side piece is trying to step into her place as a mother. I don't think she misses being a wife to him at all.

She really should have pursued the restraining order against the babysitter. At least then the babysitter wouldn't show up to the child exchanges.

And, as usual, the piece of crap man never shows up for court to get his much-deserved JJ beat down.

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It could be that the plaintiff wasn't the New Bitch but has a problem with baby mama because of what the guy has told her. That can happen when people in your life start confiding in you -- they get you feeling some kind of way about someone you don't know when you've only heard one side. And it's especially easy to do when it comes to women and children.

She needs to tell the guy that he has to learn to get along with his children's mother, and if he didn't want to do the time, he shouldn't have done the grind.

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I loved the penis sitter's statements that the defendant, who had twins with the absent object of their affection, had only been married for 'papers.'

 

 

Maybe she was talking about immigration status?

 

So weird. Today's episode was labeled "Season Premiere" and "20th Anniversary" added to the title graphics.

 

 

My onscreen guide said this was episode 1 of season 20.  Yes, weird.

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Let's see if I've got this right.  Father has twins and his mother in the car, but he has to take babysitter with him to use the carpool lane?  In what jurisdiction do you need five people in the car to drive in the carpool lane?

 

I'm wondering what kind of vehicle it is because each twin needs a car seat of his/her own.

 

Anyhow, in the halterview, "baby" sitter said something like "She never caught us in bed", which makes me think JJ is correct the sitter is banging the estranged husband.

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Annoying is an understatement. I'm no luddite. I have a cell phone, and I share JJ's disdain for them. I really miss the days of people not being able to reach me so readily. My boss actually asked me why I don't link up my cell to my work e-mail, and I said because it's my personal cell phone. If he wants me to have a business phone, he can pay for one. But even then, when I leave work I'm finished working for the day. So it would be useless for him to get me one. These companies want 24-hour-a-day employees. That's never going to be me. I work to live, not the other way around!

 

I hear ya.... sometimes I think I'm the only person on the planet who has a phone with a "vibrate" feature. Or with functioning voice mail so I can allow a call to go to said voice mail if it's not convenient for me to answer the phone right that second. I'm still waiting for a JJ case where some entitled jackhole is suing a retail clerk for pain and suffering because the clerk wouldn't help them in line until they got off their damn cell phone.

 

The babysitter in yesterday's coffee mug beatdown came across as a real shit-stirrer. I agree she may not actually be banging the dad just yet, but it's her end goal.

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How was she allowed to tell the whole story about what the father told her, and what the mother told the father? I guess just to let her dig the hole deeper? Wonderfully excellent resolution to this case.

Oh Miss Oingo Boingo Mondo babysitter was a piece of work - since she's all 'bout the father, WHERE WAS HE? Honey, if he sends you to do his bidness then he's not as much of a man as you think he is. 

 

Was anybody totally creeped out about the diaper changing incident? Like a grown woman making a comment about a toddler spreading her legs during a diaper change? Perhaps she was reading way too much into the situation or looking for a way to discredit the toddlers' mother (via CPS) in order to "make a little family" with Mr. Carpool. And if the only reason he wants you around is free child care, boinking and the occasional carpool lane excuse, personally I would run the other way. 

 

Now, y'all I gotta go downtown - which one of you is going to come over and sit in my passenger seat so I can driver in the HOV lane??? ;D

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why is she all up in their divorce? He's clearly telling her horrible things about his estranged wife, and she's believing all of it.

 

Here's today's lesson, kids: in these cases, you are only getting one side of the story. Always be skeptical!

 

I believed a former coworker about his horrible soon to be ex-wife and she did drugs and neglected their daughter blah blah blah. And later on found out he exaggerated just a wee bit. As in a LOT. 

 

And he's a lawyer now, LOL. 

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Now, y'all I gotta go downtown - which one of you is going to come over and sit in my passenger seat so I can driver in the HOV lane???

Any time I hear about someone trying to lure a ringer into the passenger seat to cruise in the HOV lane, I think of the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry pays a hooker to sit in his car and go to a Dodgers game with him. One of my favorite episodes! And he didn't need to pay FOUR hookers either ... unlike the mysterious [bLEEP!] from yesterday's episode.

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Today's first case was sad. A young father really wants to have contact with his daughter, but the possibly deadbeat mom is preventing it. The mother claimed to have moved from New York to Poinciana, FL "to give her daughter a better life"?  Oh, I think not --- even if your neighborhood in NY was shit, Poinciana is not exactly a step up from anything, Ms. Diaz. And the schools there are low-performing, so don't do the "I did it for my child" excuse.

 

The mom was an all-too-common couchsurfer with child in tow, looking for her next man/baby daddy. And her "best friend" in the witness seat didn't exactly seem like the stand-in dad type of guy. She seemed like a real self-centered dirt, and I pity her child. The father has the best of intentions, but he may not have the money and the brainpower to find a way to get justice. It seemed that JJ thought the same, so she was  trying to give him some directions.

Edited by CoolWhipLite
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Something Unsavory... Yes, But What? - This one left me puzzled.  NYC dad sues deadbeat Florida mom for a trip he took where she wouldn't let him see his child.  I paused to read the text messages and they were like gibberish. She regularly drops out of school and gets kicked out by her hosts.  She met some woman and her son in Florida and now the son is her boyfriend... the only hint is that she told the plaintiff she'd be willing to prostitute herself.  Maybe she's turning tricks, pole-dancing and snorting coke?  That's my guess.  One enigmatic gavel.

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I agree, CoolWhipLite. I always feel a little bad when there's a dispute and the mother seems a bit conniving and the dad seems dim-witted but well-meaning. The family court system isn't fair to men, and it's especially unfair to men who don't seem all that savvy. As sad as it sounds, men need to learn: you have to be ruthless when you have a baby mama. Even if she seems cool, women can flip, especially if she's got other unstable chicks in her ear. If you're trying to do the right thing, keep records, report what you pay, and speak with an attorney.

 

I definitely think there was more going on. This chick had several Ratchet Tells:

 

- Fake relatives ("sister-cousin")

- Moving to different states ending with Florida

-  Staying with "best friend" she's known for a year who looks like he has priors

- Purple hair

- Hypersensitivity/Paranoia that causes her to keep her kid away from their father

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The mom was an all-too-common couchsurfer with child in tow, looking for her next man/baby daddy. And her "best friend" in the witness seat didn't exactly seem like the stand-in dad type of guy. She seemed like a real self-centered dirt, and I pity her child. The father has the best of intentions, but he may not have the money and the brainpower to find a way to get justice. It seemed that JJ thought the same, so she was  trying to give him some directions.

I hope that his reason for coming on the show was to earn some money for a lawyer.  Anyone know how much they get paid?

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So I just watched today's unfortunate baby-makers, and what was up with the text message font they were using? Who wants to read messages in kindergarten font?! That font was actually more embarrassing than comic sans.

The Plaintiff in that case reminded me of a younger Jimmy Fallon.

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I definitely think there was more going on. This chick had several Ratchet Tells:

 

- Fake relatives ("sister-cousin")

- Moving to different states ending with Florida

-  Staying with "best friend" she's known for a year who looks like he has priors

- Purple hair

- Hypersensitivity/Paranoia that causes her to keep her kid away from their father

 

Your list just cracked me up.  Thanks for the laugh that I needed today!

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So I just watched today's unfortunate baby-makers, and what was up with the text message font they were using? Who wants to read messages in kindergarten font?! That font was actually more embarrassing than comic sans.

 

HA! LOL. I agree. Their texts were in the font of a children's book and she had the hair of My Little Pony. Makes perfect sense.

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Any time I hear about someone trying to lure a ringer into the passenger seat to cruise in the HOV lane, I think of the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry pays a hooker to sit in his car and go to a Dodgers game with him. One of my favorite episodes! And he didn't need to pay FOUR hookers either ... unlike the mysterious [bLEEP!] from yesterday's episode.

OMG yes! Just thinking about Larry and the hooker in that episode makes my funny bone spasm. "Hi Daddy. Want a date with mama?"...."Get in the car!"

Okay, yesterday's "babysitter/process server" was unfathomable to me. wtf?

To me, it was obvious the plaintiff was either much more than a sitter, or, at least, WANTED to be more than a sitter. To me, that was a given.

However, her double-talking, nonsensical gobbledygook truly drove me to distraction. WTH was she explaining about the car/ceramic-cups confrontation? Was she saying that she approached defendant's car from the FRONT-SEAT-PASSENGER side, where a passenger was ACTUALLY sitting? And that defendant began flinging those cups past the passenger, out the window, aiming for the plaintiff? My brain started to swell.

And THEN, AFTER the children had been in dad's custody for TWO DAYS, sitter changed the girl's diaper and was alarmed? Reported MOTHER to Child Services? JJ kept hammering that DAD had custody in those 48 hours, but plaintiff kept saying, NO!

Don't misunderstand me please. I applaud those who report suspicions of child abuse. But not when ulterior, selfish motives are the TRUE motivators. The children suffer for that bullshit.

I think one of my "favorite" moments during plaintiff's explanation was when she muttered sotto voce, "and, ah, I guess defending myself, ah, [defendant's] lip got cut, and bleeding all over." From the passenger's side? Jeez.

Every once in a while, in my work, I come across a personality like sitter/girlfriend/process server/Machiavellian/opportunist plaintiff. These types scare me. There is no reasoning with them, no breaking through. There is no there, there. Something is missing in their basic makeup. YET....they are self-assured, driven and relentless in their goals. Nothing can stop their gamesmanship, other than prison (temporarily).

Children are ALWAYS involved and collateral damage. I am 32 and found my first silver hair this week. I know why.

Edited by sleekandchic
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Any time I hear about someone trying to lure a ringer into the passenger seat to cruise in the HOV lane, I think of the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry pays a hooker to sit in his car and go to a Dodgers game with him. One of my favorite episodes! And he didn't need to pay FOUR hookers either ... unlike the mysterious [bLEEP!] from yesterday's episode.

Didn't she keep threatening to pull out a tittie if Larry kept ignoring her? And smoking the pot with Larrys dad? That was a great show!!

  • Love 3
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