The Quotes Topic: "You may call her Bev... or Sea Hag!"

[ljenkins782]

With Christmas only a couple days away....

 

Jackie (as Mrs. Claus) Alright! LIsten up! This is the procedure. You step up to the lap, you state your christmas wish, you get your candy cane, your photo, then you exit the lap. Any deviation from this procedure may result in loss of cane. Remember! Possession of cane is a privilege, not a right.

 

Ha, was just coming to post this one as well. The holiday always brings this classic back. 

 

When looking for the exact quote, I found another one from that same episode (the other storyline is Roseanne meeting Darlene's friend and finding out it's a middle-aged woman:

 

Roseanne: It’s like she’s living some kind of double life.

Dan: It’s two more than we thought she had.

 

 

I love John Goodman's delivery on lines like that, so dry and understated. 

It's so annoying that Netflix only has up to the first couple episodes of the 3rd season. Such a weird and random stopping point. 

Edited December 9, 2015 by ljenkins782

[UYI]

One of my favorite Christmas episode quotes is from season 5, when Roseanne thinks Jackie is going to leave her with Nana Mary and Bev while she goes to see Fisher, and I don't I'd ever really noticed it until this year:

 

"You're not leaving me alone with the Judds tonight, Jackie!" 

Edited December 20, 2015 by UYI

[FairyDusted]

"Darlene called me a Prevert!." 

 

That will always be funny now!

[Bastet]

At D.J.'s spelling bee:

 

Roseanne: Please let it be a word he knows.

Teacher: David Jacob, your word is foreclosure.

[MSterling]

Red Buttons sharing the nickname for Roseanne's mom the folks at the retirement home gave her after the accident, "Craftmatic Adjustable Bev!"

[BitterApple]

My favorite: when Dan was badgering Becky about breaking up with her boyfriend and she was insisting she didn't get dumped. Darlene cuts in and says "get real, you hit the ground like a safe," in total deadpan fashion. The delivery of that line was awesome.

[Aja]

22 hours ago, BitterApple said:

My favorite: when Dan was badgering Becky about breaking up with her boyfriend and she was insisting she didn't get dumped. Darlene cuts in and says "get real, you hit the ground like a safe," in total deadpan fashion. The delivery of that line was awesome.

Oh my god, I love that too. Another early-Darlene favorite that cemented my opinion that Sara Gilbert was perhaps the funniest sitcom teenager EVER was the episode where Becky and her friend Dana got drunk while Dan and Roseanne were away. Both Sara and Lecy completely nailed the entire episode but my absolute favorite was when Dana's mother came over all pissed off the next morning. She snaps at Becky, "So who was the bartender?" and Darlene immediately interjects "Wasn't it that girl who came over to study with you?" and then looks simultaneously guilty for saying it and amused by her own cheekiness. Sara was bloody awesome. 

[readster]

18 minutes ago, Aja said:

Oh my god, I love that too. Another early-Darlene favorite that cemented my opinion that Sara Gilbert was perhaps the funniest sitcom teenager EVER was the episode where Becky and her friend Dana got drunk while Dan and Roseanne were away. Both Sara and Lecy completely nailed the entire episode but my absolute favorite was when Dana's mother came over all pissed off the next morning. She snaps at Becky, "So who was the bartender?" and Darlene immediately interjects "Wasn't it that girl who came over to study with you?" and then looks simultaneously guilty for saying it and amused by her own cheekiness. Sara was bloody awesome. 

That episode really was on all points with teenage drinking, Darlene's reaction and Sara's awesome timing. I even like the end when Dan is putting the lock on the cabinet and Roseanne saying: "It's a long tradition that finally came here." 

[Aja]

I thought it was super real, too, unlike other "sitcom teenager gets caught drinking" very special episodes. Becky was unrepentant about her "moral transgression", correctly pointing out that her parents drank constantly. Even Roseanne admitted that she wasn't upset about Becky drinking; she was upset about Becky lying and taking advantage of the situation while they were away. Becky's consequence was a monster hangover and losing her mother's trust and, given that her mother trusted her implicitly up to that point, that was pretty devastating. She also felt guilt about freaking Darlene out. It was all very real, and there was no tedious proselytizing about how alcohol is the very worst thing you could possibly do as a human being besides, of course, having sex. 

[Dee]

"You look like you've been reincarnated as a rag."

[Bastet]

I agree, Aja; it's handled so much better than on 99% of shows that do a "teen gets drunk" storyline.  I, too,  love when Roseanne says she doesn't so much care that Becky took a drink -- she tried it, she got sick, she got caught -- but what bothers her is not being able to trust Becky, when she always thought she could.  I also like that Roseanne effectively dismissed Becky's "Well, you guys drink" argument by asking her if she can't grasp the concept that there are things adults do that kids can't.

I love the "reincarnated as a rag" line and use it whenever someone has a wicked hangover.

"My parents listen to stuff from before music was invented."
"Mine too.  Have you ever heard of Albert Herbert?  He's from Tijuana."

[FairyDusted]

"We use a Wok."

[SparklesBitch]

Some quotes I love:

On walking into their neighbor Kathy Bowman's house for the first time:

Roseanne: "This is like the house I could have had if I'd married someone better!" 

Dan: "Thanks, dear"

Dan's deadpan reaction always cracks me up. 

And Roseanne and Jackie on the emergency room: 

Jackie: "This is weird. I hate going to the emergency room. It reminds me of the pussy willow. Do you remember the pussy willow, Roseanne?"

Roseanne: "All I said was I wondered if it could fit up your nose. You're the one who crammed it up there."

And when the power gets shut off:

Roseanne: "Well, middle class was fun."

Edited March 16, 2017 by SparklesBitch

[Aja]

Kathy Bowman: "Todd, tell DJ that he's welcome to come visit in Chicago any time after we've settled in. And...after my operation." The guilty look on Roseanne's face is hysterical.

Edited March 16, 2017 by Aja

[SparklesBitch]

15 hours ago, Aja said:

The guilty look on Roseanne's face is hysterical.

It is! How both actresses managed to get through that with a straight face, I'll never know.

[SparklesBitch]

Dan to Fred, on hiring a stripper for Fred's bachelor party: 

"I heard about this Shari Lewis look-a-like that does something incredible with Lamb Chop."

lol! 

[UYI]

When Rodbell's closed:

Leon:  "We're not standing in the parking lot watching the place burn, but this is nice, too."

[Bastet]

I'm Hungry is on right now, and pretty much everything about Roseanne's diet quest is a favorite quote.

First, when she says Crystal is right, she does need to lose weight, and she's going to pick a date next week to start a diet: 

"Next week's bad.  [Flips pages]  March is out."

Then when her pants don't fit: 

"We've got to go on a diet."
"What's this 'we' jazz?  My pants fit fine."

When she tells the kids they're going on a diet (again):

"So I guess this means we're going to have roast chicken for three nights and then get back to reality."

When Dan asks the kids if they think Roseanne needs to lose weight:

D.J.: No, I like you mushy.
Becky: [Sexist crap about how it's fine for men to get heavy as they age, but it doesn't look good on women, prompting Roseanne to tell her that's the stupidest thing she's ever said.]
Darlene: Oh, face it - you're both tanks.

Which leads to:

"Oh, you stay out of it.  You're the reason I got fat in the first place."
"Yeah, like I invented double Dutch chocolate."
"No, but I gained 20 pounds with that pregnancy."
(Dan) "Me too."
"Okay, 40 pounds.  With each pregnancy."
"Me too."

The kids talking to Jackie about genetics ("Oh my god!"), Jackie taking credit for "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step," Dan coming in from their walk to grab the keys to go pick up Roseanne, the fast food commercials, Coach Dan's pep talk, and then Dan and Roseanne return from a walk as the kids are getting ready in the morning:

"You guys were walking for an hour."
"The Olympics are only two years away."
"Then you still have time.  What event?"
"Child throwing."

And, finally, Roseanne, all fired up because her pants fit, heads out after deciding to walk to work.  Ten seconds later:

"Oh, it's like 13 degrees out there; I'm not walking to work."

[Mmmfloorpie]

"That's nothing, our daughter moved away from home for a year and a half and when she came back we hardly recognized her!"

[Mmmfloorpie]

"GET OUT OF MY WAY! DJ, I'm sorry but I'm pregnant and very upset... what am I talking to you for!?"

[UYI]

"I can make you feel like a man, David...take out the trash." 

[Mmmfloorpie]

"And don't you dare tell Fred your theory on how Jackie made ends meet that time she was unemployed!"

[StaceyNotStacie]

On 4/19/2015 at 4:50 PM, BooksRule said:

I know I've seen 'Mall story' (where they go to the mall to get Becky a dance dress and for Dan to buy shoes), but I swear I never noticed this line from DJ before (it cracked me up):

 

(as they are getting ready to leave the house)

Roseanne:  'You know the rules.'

Darlene:  'No jumping on the water beds.  No perfume fights.'

DJ: 'No falafel.'

"Buster Brown with an attitude" will always make me LOL

[DB in CMH]

On 10/9/2014 at 0:47 AM, TomGirl said:

When Becky confesses to Roseanne that she's slept with Mark:

Becky: "Well... we already......"

Roseanne: "Already?"

Becky: "Don't worry, we used something."

Roseanne: "You already used something?"

And then, at the end of that episode, when Roseanne hugs her:

Becky: "Mom, let go."

Roseanne: "In a couple of years...."

Such a sweet episode.

Just rewatched that episode and you know what bugs me? Roseanne was making popcorn - she puts the package in the microwave without opening it, then presses random buttons when the microwave is clearly not working. The popcorn never pops either. 

 

Limitations and unnecessary distractions on a sitcom I know, but still.

[Maharincess]

I noticed that a lot with the microwave. She would always put stuff in without opening or venting it, and push the buttons but it never came on. They could have at least had it light up or something so it looked a little more realistic. 

[Mmmfloorpie]

I like the episode where she just takes like 3 or 4 fully boxed tv dinners and just throws them in the microwave.

I think it was one of the first episodes with the Lunchbox because she had an hour lunch to go home and make dinner.

[peacheslatour]

I watched one where they were making Eggos and had a big tin of Crisco on the counter. In another Roseanne was making a cake with baker's chocolate, which we all know she would have either bought a cake or used a mix.

[readster]

On 9/1/2017 at 0:04 PM, peacheslatour said:

I watched one where they were making Eggos and had a big tin of Crisco on the counter. In another Roseanne was making a cake with baker's chocolate, which we all know she would have either bought a cake or used a mix.

I remember a few episodes where Roseanne would cook something on the stove from Mac and Cheese to soup and when she served it. Dan would always grab pepper after a bite or two. Showed that Dan seem to have a pepper addiction, but I think at times it was to show that Dan wanted to put something on this food even if it didn't make sense at times. 

[DB in CMH]

On 9/1/2017 at 10:29 AM, Mmmfloorpie said:

I like the episode where she just takes like 3 or 4 fully boxed tv dinners and just throws them in the microwave.

I think it was one of the first episodes with the Lunchbox because she had an hour lunch to go home and make dinner.

Indeed it was - just watched it.

[DB in CMH]

On 11/7/2014 at 10:10 AM, Aja said:

It has been commented on before how striking Roseanne's improvement as an actress was over the course of the series. She totally nailed a ton of scenes, and was particularly adept at handling emotional or "touching" scenes. She was real, raw and never came across as schmaltzy or overacting. I still get choked up at her "Bye, Becky" in the episode where Becky moves to Minneapolis with Mark. And I love, love, LOVE her lecture to Molly after the Daisy Chainsaw concert. "You're right, I'm not your mother, so I don't need to tell you what horrible things can happen to STUPID little girls like you." and "When you leave this house with a Connor kid, you're going to be extra careful. Darlene is one of the few things we own outright." Win win win! I always wished the Tildens, like the Bowmans before them, stuck around longer. I really liked how Roseanne was starting to step in as a surrogate mom for Molly and Charlotte, both of whom were crying out for it in their own ways.

I think she was the best actor on the show by the end - Laurie went the overreaction route, and John and Sara both seemed checked out. What always gets me is that she has these little ticks that you wouldn't see on any other show, like scratching her head with one finger (to get at an itch), or picking her teeth in the season 6 opening. There is one episode where the tag is bloopers, and she scratches her head in each one of the outtakes, meaning that Roseanne as an actress came up with that as something her character would do. It's a little thing, but for me it really added to the reality of the show.

[peacheslatour]

It's like how Peter Falk came up with all of Columbo's endearing/maddening little mannerisms. I saw an interview with Steven Bochco, one of the writers on Columbo and he was told "don't write for the character, Peter is the character, just write the story,"

[Mmmfloorpie]

19 hours ago, DB in CMH said:

I think she was the best actor on the show by the end - Laurie went the overreaction route, and John and Sara both seemed checked out. What always gets me is that she has these little ticks that you wouldn't see on any other show, like scratching her head with one finger (to get at an itch), or picking her teeth in the season 6 opening. There is one episode where the tag is bloopers, and she scratches her head in each one of the outtakes, meaning that Roseanne as an actress came up with that as something her character would do. It's a little thing, but for me it really added to the reality of the show.

I'd argue John was slightly better.

Laurie had normal Jackie and then freak out Jackie. 

John had angry Dan, normal Dan, loveable skamp Dan, protector Dan PLUS he was also great at physical comedy. Laurie couldn't take a frying pan to the head like he could. 

John was more versatile is what I'm trying to say (I think).

[txhorns79]

Quote

John had angry Dan, normal Dan, loveable skamp Dan, protector Dan PLUS he was also great at physical comedy.

Angry Dan was scary.  When he found out that David and Darlene were secretly living together, that was an extremely tense and scary moment because Dan seemed entirely out of control.

[Aja]

22 hours ago, txhorns79 said:

Angry Dan was scary.  When he found out that David and Darlene were secretly living together, that was an extremely tense and scary moment because Dan seemed entirely out of control.

True, but I really loved this because it was such an antithesis at the time. Sitcom parents were so INFALLIBLE and perfect, and always knew just what to do and what to say. Dan and Roseanne were far from perfect parents, and never tried to claim they were anything else. Roseanne had NO IDEA what the hell to do in the hilarious Becky-wants-birth-control episode. A few times, Roseanne kept information from Dan thinking she could just handle it herself, and she most definitely could not. Dan could get really angry, but his anger always seemed to originate from frustration over not knowing what to do as a parent. When Becky eloped, his anger and his refusal to speak to Becky or Mark (and even physically threatening Mark) stemmed directly from him feeling like a failure as a father, which he stated explicitly in a superb scene. Try to imagine Stephen Keaton or Cliff Huxtable or Jason Seaver or Tony Micelli doing a scene like that. Hahaha. Having said that, I LOVE YOU MICHAEL GROSS!

[Annber03]

Yeah, Dan reminded me SO MUCH of my own dad it was spooky-there were many, many moments, both good and bad, with him and his interactions with the family on the show that I could look at and think, "Yep. That sounds familiar. Yep, been there." 

[DB in CMH]

On 9/1/2017 at 10:29 AM, Mmmfloorpie said:

I like the episode where she just takes like 3 or 4 fully boxed tv dinners and just throws them in the microwave.

I think it was one of the first episodes with the Lunchbox because she had an hour lunch to go home and make dinner.

Just caught another one - in the episode where Dan closes the shop,  she throws a bag of frozen waffles into the microwave,  then in the same scene takes them out and dumps them from the bag onto the plate. 

Maybe it's just a running joke that they never revealed. 

[Mmmfloorpie]

"Hey it's veal boy"

"When he runs away the picture on the milk carton is going to be really confusing"

[peacheslatour]

Ooh, I just heard a good one:

Becky: "Mark is over an hour and a half late!"

Darlene: "Well, it is pretty dark out. Maybe he thinks he's asleep."

[ridethemaverick]

On 4/23/2015 at 4:00 PM, Aja said:

I love John Goodman's redneck routine too! Another scene that cracks me up is when Jackie says to Roseanne "Can I...alktay...to you in ivate...pray..." and Dan goes into 'idiot' mode and says "Garsh, duuhhh, I wish I could understand what they were saying!"

 

I love the one in the Darlene moves to Chicago episode (i think) when Roseanne makes a chocolate cake and DJ tells Dan he wants some.

"Hey woman, yer boy here wants cake. So's yer man. I better see me some cake fixin' goin' on!"

[Dee]

Dan: "You know where we made our mistake? We should never have throwed out that chain letter. If we'd only sent a hundred dollars to five total strangers, we could have made us a fortune!"

Roseanne: "No, well, I'm thinking about that bridge we could have bought over there in New York City!"

Dan: "Oh, she was a dandy big bridge, all right!"

Roseanne: "You know, Dan, I think if we move fast, we can get right in on that pyramid scheme sweeping Lanford! We could own our very own damn pyramid!"

Dan: "You mean like the ones up to Egypt, Africa?! Hot diggity dog!"

[SparklesBitch]

Watched the episode Dear Mom and Dad today and it's one my favorites, mostly because of Roseanne and Jackie arguing over Roseanne not standing up for herself when dealing with Bev, but this part with Bev, Dan and Al always cracks me up:

Bev: "What was it you always used to say?"

Al: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him think!"

Dan: "You used to say that? And you stopped saying that? He used to say that, and he doesn't say it anymore. He used to say "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him think", but he doesn't say it anymore. I haven't slept."

It's more about John Goodman's delivery of it (he's amazing and his exhausted squinty eyed expression here kills me) than the actual quote, but it never fails to make me laugh. =)

[Bastet]

2 minutes ago, SparklesBitch said:

his exhausted squinty eyed expression here kills me

Yes!  While non-verbal, it's a quote in its own right.

[Mmmfloorpie]

10 hours ago, SparklesBitch said:

Watched the episode Dear Mom and Dad today and it's one my favorites, mostly because of Roseanne and Jackie arguing over Roseanne not standing up for herself when dealing with Bev, but this part with Bev, Dan and Al always cracks me up:

Bev: "What was it you always used to say?"

Al: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him think!"

Dan: "You used to say that? And you stopped saying that? He used to say that, and he doesn't say it anymore. He used to say "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him think", but he doesn't say it anymore. I haven't slept."

It's more about John Goodman's delivery of it (he's amazing and his exhausted squinty eyed expression here kills me) than the actual quote, but it never fails to make me laugh. =)

Travis Bickle impression.

[Mmmfloorpie]

Since we have a favorite quote thread, I figured it would be appropriate for a "least favorite quote" thread.

Please post any lines you thought were untrue to the show, made you cringe, or that you just plain hated!

The quote in the title of this thread refers to one of the episodes in season 4 after Becky gets birth control and Darlene finds out. Becky turns to her and says "SLAMMER!". So cringeworthy because even in the 90s I don't think kids actually said this and, in my opinion, Lecy totally overacts it.

The other reason I started this thread is we got to talking about that "Feeding the Monster" documentary on Youtube. The main thing I took out of that was Roseanne hated the dialogue that was really "cute" or "arch" or something a person living in Illinois would never say. She wanted to keep it real and dispell the sitcom lines. That's why she fired so many writers and treated them like dirt.

DESPITE this, I still find a lot of the lines to be "written to be read" and lame. Here are some examples:

The main one is in season 5 iirc when Bev buys the apartment at the retirement community and Roseanne gets freaked out about her own mortality.

Roseanne asks Darlene if she thinks of her as young. Well, Darlene delivers that totally phoney line about thinking of her as a friend and contemporary. It was SO bad that poor Sarah Gilbert couldn't even get through saying it without tripping up on her words.

Clearly no person in real life would be clever enough to think up something like that on the spot. If they had just worked on it and simplified it a bit the joke would have worked better.

Another example I have is in season 2 when Roseanne and Jackie confess to Bev all the bad things they did as kids. 

Roseanne confesses to spending time with Dan instead of studying. Then she says "Well I always got good marks" and without missing a beat, Jackie says "mostly on your neck" or something to that effect.

I cringe everytime I see that lol. Such a sitcom set up to a joke and then the punchline delivered with perfect timing. The fact she says "marks" tells you it's a set up. Any real person would have said "I always got good grades" or something.

Interested to hear all of yours. I have more but thought I would let others comment lol.

[SparklesBitch]

1 hour ago, Mmmfloorpie said:

Since we have a favorite quote thread, I figured it would be appropriate for a "least favorite quote" thread.

Please post any lines you thought were untrue to the show, made you cringe, or that you just plain hated!

The quote in the title of this thread refers to one of the episodes in season 4 after Becky gets birth control and Darlene finds out. Becky turns to her and says "SLAMMER!". So cringeworthy because even in the 90s I don't think kids actually said this and, in my opinion, Lecy totally overacts it.

First, this is a great idea for a new thread! 

Second, I totally agree about "Slammer!" for all the reasons you mentioned. 

Third, I'll see your "Slammer!" and raise you a "Jackie, you might want to try Earth sometime, I think you might like it."

Not sure if that's exactly right, and I don't remember which episode it is, but I think Jackie is trying to convince Roseanne that she could mold Dwight into a great guy and Roseanne says something like the above quote and Jackie laughs like it's the funniest thing she ever heard in her life and I always cringe really hard. Ugh. 

[Mmmfloorpie]

1 hour ago, SparklesBitch said:

First, this is a great idea for a new thread! 

Second, I totally agree about "Slammer!" for all the reasons you mentioned. 

Third, I'll see your "Slammer!" and raise you a "Jackie, you might want to try Earth sometime, I think you might like it."

Not sure if that's exactly right, and I don't remember which episode it is, but I think Jackie is trying to convince Roseanne that she could mold Dwight into a great guy and Roseanne says something like the above quote and Jackie laughs like it's the funniest thing she ever heard in her life and I always cringe really hard. Ugh. 

Haha good one!

[SparklesBitch]

On 10/5/2017 at 9:18 AM, Mmmfloorpie said:

Travis Bickle impression.

OMG, I can't believe I didn't make that connection! 

And more quotes I love, this time from the pilot: 

Dan: "You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner! I'm fixing dinner!"

Roseanne: "Oh, but honey, you just fixed dinner three years ago!!" 

AND...

Dan: "Hey, I do the dishes!"

Roseanne: "When?"

Dan: "Thursday, 6:45pm!"

Roseanne: "Nineteen seventy what?"

[ridethemaverick]

My least favorite quote is when Jackie is worried about being a good mom and has a dream she misplaced her baby. Roseanne responds with this:

"Oh, every mom has that dream, Jackie. You just reach in through the back of the crib, You know, into the dragon's mouth, And then you get that banana, Bring it out, blow on it. It turns back into the baby, And then you just fly away."

 It was so unfunny and dumb that even a few of the audience members groaned.

[peacheslatour]

From The Blaming of the Shrew: "Who gets drunk and cuts this family's hair?"

[Bastet]

Last night I watched the one where Bev gets picked up for DUI and decides not only is she an alcoholic, but basically everyone who drinks is, too, and it should be an awful episode to watch because her passive-aggressive behavior (something, as I've said, she should teach graduate level courses in) and emotional manipulation - not to mention all-around annoying voice and mannerisms (I love how Estelle Parsons just went for it, and embraced making Bev unlikable in so many ways) - are on one of their brightest displays, but instead it's fantastic because of lines like, "You didn't tell me I'd be baking with Drunken Hines" and "We can't go back in there, she's in there!  Bev.  Beverage.  Non-alchoholic Beverage is in there!"  And in the opening sequence when Jackie asks, "Can I get that [Bev's mug shot] in wallet size?"  Followed by, "At least give me numbers off the bottom; I want to go play the Lotto."

I also like when everyone leaves because Bev and Roseanne say no one can drink in the house (which is so ridiculous, yet another example of how this episode is saved by the humorous lines) and Bev tells Dan she hopes his friends didn't get upset and he says, "No, Bev, you know these Super Bowl parties all pretty much break up after kick-off anyway."

Edited October 21, 2017 by Bastet