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I Once Took A Donkey And Some Honeycomb Into... : Jokes!


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Three strings walk into a bar.  The first orders a beer and the barman rolls his eyes and says  "We don't serve strings here".

The second orders a martini and the barman, getting irritated, snaps "We don't serve strings here!"

 

The third string walks back outside, reaches up, twists and ties and pulls and yanks around at the top of his string.  He walks back into the bar and orders a mai tai.

"I said!" shouted the barman "we don't serve strings here!"

 

"I'm not a string; I'm afraid not".

 

Frayed knot!

Edited by raven
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In my case, I find that my eye catches the punchline before the set up in a written joke, especially if the punchline is short (like mine was). Part of what makes a joke funny is that period of time between setup and pay off - if you get it wrong, the joke falls flat.

So to guard against that, I took advantage of the spoiler button.

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This really isn't a "joke," but it's pretty damn funny!

 

Sarcasm for the Day:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.


2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

 

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?  That’s common sense leaving your body. 

6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.


7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim".  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.  If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

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Here's one I made up. Not quite sure if it's original though:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:

Because chickens are inherently treacherous.

 

An old math joke:
Q: What do you get when you cross an alligator and an elephant?
A:

(an alligator) * (an elephant) * sin(θ)

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Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

A:

A fish!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Bartender: We don't serve your kind.

 

 

>

 

 

>

 

 

>

 

 

>

 

 

>

 

 

A timetraveler walks into a bar...

Edited by fastiller
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If you're Canadian, substitute Newfie for Aggie. If you're an American from the 70s, substitute Polish for Aggie. If you're an American in the 90s, substitute blonde for Aggie, etc.

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Raccoon walks into a bar and orders a pint.

Bartender says "that'll be $10."

Raccoon pays the man and starts chugging.

Bartender says "You know- we don't get many raccoons in here."

Raccoon says "No shit. You charge ten bucks a beer."

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Okay let me break the flow of this thread and be that person, the one who has to have it explained; I think I get the first one, but I am lost on the second one. 

 

 

I think the second joke is told in reverse, sort of, to get across the point of time travel.

 

Yes, stewedsquash, as forumfish noted, the second joke is meant to be told in two parts, in reverse, but I couldn't post twice w/o the smart Previously.TV forum programme combining the two posts.

 

Now: for more jokes:

 

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man comes by and flashes them.  One of the old ladies had a stroke; the other was too slow.

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This really isn't a "joke," but it's pretty damn funny!

 

Sarcasm for the Day:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

 

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?  That’s common sense leaving your body. 

6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim".  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.  If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

 

 

HEE! Numbers 6 and 9 are my favs!

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A husband and wife are Xmas shopping and the man disappears. The wife looks for him then calls his cell phone to see where he is....

Wife: Where the hell are you?

Husband: Do you remember when we first got married and you loved that diamond necklace? We couldn't afford it and I told you I'd get it for you some day. Do you remember that store?

Wife, getting excited: Yes! Oh my god I do remember that.

Husband: I'm in the bar next to that store.

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This really isn't a "joke," but it's pretty damn funny!

 

Sarcasm for the Day:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

 

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?  That’s common sense leaving your body. 

6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim".  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.  If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Actually, this sounds a lot like that morose comedian, Steven Wright.  Haven't seen him in a long time (but then, I no longer watch the late night shows so I don't know if he even appears on them any more).  I just re-read them and number 9 is also calling my name.  What the heck would I do?

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Speaking of Steven Wright.  Here are a couple of my favorites from him:

 

'It's a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two cents in.  Somebody's making a penny.'

 

'The sign on the diner window said Breakfast Anytime.  So, I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.'

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I saw him at a concert a couple of years ago but didn't recognize him in the dark with collar up and baseball cap bill down until somebody pointed him out to me.  Just as well as I would have gotten all fangirly on him.

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One day Dave let his cat outside, not realizing that the road in front of his house was being worked on. The cat ran down to the road and immediately got run over by a steam roller. Dave sprinted out and picked up the cat. Thinking quickly, he remembered that his neighbor had told him that she'd be jarring some dill pickles that day. He took the cat over to her house and offered to give her a dollar if she'd pickle his cat too.

He had always wanted a buck-dilled flatty-puss.

 

Thank you...I'll be here all week.

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What, no jokes in almost 2 months?  Ok, here's something a bit lame, but still.  This is from a contest in the Washington Post where this week they were asked to slightly change the name of a food or brand of food and describe the results.  My favorite won 4th place--I thought it should've been the grand prize winner & the honorable mention should've been 2nd place.  But that's my humor...obviously not the judge's:

4th place   S'moron:    A chocolate graham cracker sandwiched between two toasted marshmallows.

3rd Place  Crap'n'Crunch: The Breakfast of Multitaskers.

2nd Place  Lawnuts: Extract from shell at own risk.  Must be 18 to use oven.  We are not responsible for burns or allergies. By baking with this product, you waive your right to a jury trial.

Winner     Phlegm in meringue pie: What you get when you're nasty to your waitress.

Honorable Mention   Chili con 'kay so: Bland Mexican food.

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Here's a silly one (and original as far as I can determine) for fans of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century:

Q: What is Twiki's favorite album by The Who?

A:

Spoiler

Meaty Beedee Beedee Big and Bouncy.

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(edited)

I almost hate that I am old enough now -- 52 -- to really appreciate the profound humor here.  

If this image goes away, please let me know.  I will re-upload my personal copy.  

older.jpg

Edited by 33kaitykaity
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