ABay October 5, 2015 Share October 5, 2015 Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked. 1 5 Link to comment
backformore October 6, 2015 Share October 6, 2015 Why do teenage girls always walk in groups of 3, 5 or 7? Because they Literally, Can't. EVEN! (makes sense only is you've heard the way the species talks lately) 1 13 Link to comment
Petunia13 October 6, 2015 Author Share October 6, 2015 Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell station. 4 Link to comment
Maharincess October 7, 2015 Share October 7, 2015 I only know inappropriate jokes. I know some good ones though. My daughter usee to tell one all the time when she was young... Why do baby ducks walk softly? Because they can't walk at all, hardly. 5 Link to comment
Qoass October 7, 2015 Share October 7, 2015 Hear about the dyslexic paranoid guy? He always felt like he was following somebody. 7 Link to comment
raven October 8, 2015 Share October 8, 2015 (edited) Three strings walk into a bar. The first orders a beer and the barman rolls his eyes and says "We don't serve strings here". The second orders a martini and the barman, getting irritated, snaps "We don't serve strings here!" The third string walks back outside, reaches up, twists and ties and pulls and yanks around at the top of his string. He walks back into the bar and orders a mai tai. "I said!" shouted the barman "we don't serve strings here!" "I'm not a string; I'm afraid not". Frayed knot! Edited October 8, 2015 by raven 4 Link to comment
Miss Dee October 9, 2015 Share October 9, 2015 My favourite joke: What did the snail say when taking a ride on the turtle's back? Whee! 3 Link to comment
Megatron Griffin October 9, 2015 Share October 9, 2015 Why are the punchlines in SPOILER bars? 1 Link to comment
Miss Dee October 9, 2015 Share October 9, 2015 In my case, I find that my eye catches the punchline before the set up in a written joke, especially if the punchline is short (like mine was). Part of what makes a joke funny is that period of time between setup and pay off - if you get it wrong, the joke falls flat. So to guard against that, I took advantage of the spoiler button. 1 3 Link to comment
Petunia13 October 9, 2015 Author Share October 9, 2015 Lines for punch should be inside bars; other lines are for outside OTHER bars? That was terrible. When does a dog go "MOO"?? When he's learning a new language. 2 Link to comment
Maizie131 October 9, 2015 Share October 9, 2015 This really isn't a "joke," but it's pretty damn funny! Sarcasm for the Day: 1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out. 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now. 3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry. 4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. 5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body. 6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom. 7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. 8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. 1 13 Link to comment
Qoass October 12, 2015 Share October 12, 2015 From my weekly Prairie Home Companion e-mail: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef... 6 Link to comment
Sandman87 October 16, 2015 Share October 16, 2015 Here's one I made up. Not quite sure if it's original though: Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Because chickens are inherently treacherous. An old math joke:Q: What do you get when you cross an alligator and an elephant?A: (an alligator) * (an elephant) * sin(θ) 2 Link to comment
ABay October 16, 2015 Share October 16, 2015 For the Social Sciences majors out there: How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb? Two--one to screw in the bulb and one to compare and contrast. 2 Link to comment
backformore October 16, 2015 Share October 16, 2015 How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb? only one, but the light bulb has to be willing to change. 5 Link to comment
fastiller October 19, 2015 Share October 19, 2015 (edited) Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A fish! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bartender: We don't serve your kind. > > > > > A timetraveler walks into a bar... Edited October 19, 2015 by fastiller 5 Link to comment
backformore October 20, 2015 Share October 20, 2015 Aggie? Baylor? I'm feeling stupid now. 1 Link to comment
ABay October 20, 2015 Share October 20, 2015 If you're Canadian, substitute Newfie for Aggie. If you're an American from the 70s, substitute Polish for Aggie. If you're an American in the 90s, substitute blonde for Aggie, etc. 1 3 Link to comment
Petunia13 October 20, 2015 Author Share October 20, 2015 (edited) ^ ha I remember all the blonde jokes and yo mamma jokes. Edited October 20, 2015 by Petunia13 Link to comment
Petunia13 October 20, 2015 Author Share October 20, 2015 (edited) Duck walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says "WTF how do you plan to pay for it?" Duck says "put it on my bill" Edited October 20, 2015 by Petunia13 2 Link to comment
Petunia13 October 20, 2015 Author Share October 20, 2015 Raccoon walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender says "that'll be $10." Raccoon pays the man and starts chugging. Bartender says "You know- we don't get many raccoons in here." Raccoon says "No shit. You charge ten bucks a beer." 1 7 Link to comment
fastiller October 22, 2015 Share October 22, 2015 Okay let me break the flow of this thread and be that person, the one who has to have it explained; I think I get the first one, but I am lost on the second one. I think the second joke is told in reverse, sort of, to get across the point of time travel. Yes, stewedsquash, as forumfish noted, the second joke is meant to be told in two parts, in reverse, but I couldn't post twice w/o the smart Previously.TV forum programme combining the two posts. Now: for more jokes: Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man comes by and flashes them. One of the old ladies had a stroke; the other was too slow. 1 Link to comment
RodLu October 24, 2015 Share October 24, 2015 Q: "What Do You Call A Cow With No Legs?"A: *GROUND BEEF!*XD*********************** Link to comment
Maharincess November 1, 2015 Share November 1, 2015 (edited) Why did the cows keep returning to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back. Edited November 1, 2015 by Maharincess 6 Link to comment
Sandman87 November 1, 2015 Share November 1, 2015 Why did the cows keep returning to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back. And how would one describe the cows afterward? Beef-fuddled. 3 Link to comment
Petunia13 November 4, 2015 Author Share November 4, 2015 What did the man say after he pooped in the elevator ? "I'm about to take shit to another level" 2 Link to comment
Petunia13 November 8, 2015 Author Share November 8, 2015 Skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer with a mop chaser. 4 Link to comment
fastiller November 18, 2015 Share November 18, 2015 Q: What goes super, super fast, both backward and forward? A: A racecar 2 Link to comment
ari333 December 3, 2015 Share December 3, 2015 This really isn't a "joke," but it's pretty damn funny! Sarcasm for the Day: 1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out. 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now. 3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry. 4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. 5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body. 6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom. 7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. 8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. 9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan? 10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. HEE! Numbers 6 and 9 are my favs! 1 Link to comment
fastiller December 3, 2015 Share December 3, 2015 Mother: Young man! Go to your room this minute!! Son: Jim Morrison was overrated and Ray Manzarek played keys for crap! Mother: What have I told you about slamming The Doors?! 1 Link to comment
Maharincess December 3, 2015 Share December 3, 2015 A husband and wife are Xmas shopping and the man disappears. The wife looks for him then calls his cell phone to see where he is.... Wife: Where the hell are you? Husband: Do you remember when we first got married and you loved that diamond necklace? We couldn't afford it and I told you I'd get it for you some day. Do you remember that store? Wife, getting excited: Yes! Oh my god I do remember that. Husband: I'm in the bar next to that store. 4 Link to comment
annzeepark914 December 5, 2015 Share December 5, 2015 Numbers 2 and 6 are all mine! 1 Link to comment
annzeepark914 December 31, 2015 Share December 31, 2015 This really isn't a "joke," but it's pretty damn funny! Sarcasm for the Day: 1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out. 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now. 3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry. 4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. 5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body. 6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom. 7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. 8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. 9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan? 10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. Actually, this sounds a lot like that morose comedian, Steven Wright. Haven't seen him in a long time (but then, I no longer watch the late night shows so I don't know if he even appears on them any more). I just re-read them and number 9 is also calling my name. What the heck would I do? 1 Link to comment
BooksRule January 9, 2016 Share January 9, 2016 Speaking of Steven Wright. Here are a couple of my favorites from him: 'It's a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two cents in. Somebody's making a penny.' 'The sign on the diner window said Breakfast Anytime. So, I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.' 2 Link to comment
Maharincess January 10, 2016 Share January 10, 2016 I love Steven Wright too, I'll have to go watch some videos of his on YouTube. I haven't heard much from him lately, I wonder if he's still performing. He was always one ofy favorites. Link to comment
Qoass January 11, 2016 Share January 11, 2016 I saw him at a concert a couple of years ago but didn't recognize him in the dark with collar up and baseball cap bill down until somebody pointed him out to me. Just as well as I would have gotten all fangirly on him. Link to comment
Petunia13 January 21, 2016 Author Share January 21, 2016 What do you call a snowman who raps? Frost-T I suppose ICE-T was taken Link to comment
Sandman87 February 11, 2016 Share February 11, 2016 One day Dave let his cat outside, not realizing that the road in front of his house was being worked on. The cat ran down to the road and immediately got run over by a steam roller. Dave sprinted out and picked up the cat. Thinking quickly, he remembered that his neighbor had told him that she'd be jarring some dill pickles that day. He took the cat over to her house and offered to give her a dollar if she'd pickle his cat too. He had always wanted a buck-dilled flatty-puss. Thank you...I'll be here all week. 2 Link to comment
Petunia13 February 20, 2016 Author Share February 20, 2016 Bear walks into a bar and orders a gin. Bartender pours his drink. The bear says "oh and tonic." The bartender asks "why the big pause?" The best looks down sadly and says "I don't know..." 1 Link to comment
33kaitykaity February 21, 2016 Share February 21, 2016 I hope this is the right place for this. I laughed so hard. 2 Link to comment
33kaitykaity March 10, 2016 Share March 10, 2016 (edited) I hope this is the right place for this. I laughed so hard. I guess the other one went away, so I found it again. Edited March 14, 2016 by 33kaitykaity Link to comment
Talky Tina March 18, 2016 Share March 18, 2016 What do you call a criminal who talks down to people as he's going down the stairs?.... A condescending con descending. 7 Link to comment
stillhere1900 April 19, 2016 Share April 19, 2016 (edited) Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off ? He's all right now ;-p Edited April 19, 2016 by stillhere1900 6 Link to comment
annzeepark914 June 7, 2016 Share June 7, 2016 What, no jokes in almost 2 months? Ok, here's something a bit lame, but still. This is from a contest in the Washington Post where this week they were asked to slightly change the name of a food or brand of food and describe the results. My favorite won 4th place--I thought it should've been the grand prize winner & the honorable mention should've been 2nd place. But that's my humor...obviously not the judge's: 4th place S'moron: A chocolate graham cracker sandwiched between two toasted marshmallows. 3rd Place Crap'n'Crunch: The Breakfast of Multitaskers. 2nd Place Lawnuts: Extract from shell at own risk. Must be 18 to use oven. We are not responsible for burns or allergies. By baking with this product, you waive your right to a jury trial. Winner Phlegm in meringue pie: What you get when you're nasty to your waitress. Honorable Mention Chili con 'kay so: Bland Mexican food. 1 1 Link to comment
Sandman87 June 24, 2016 Share June 24, 2016 Here's a silly one (and original as far as I can determine) for fans of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century: Q: What is Twiki's favorite album by The Who? A: Spoiler Meaty Beedee Beedee Big and Bouncy. Link to comment
Petunia13 June 25, 2016 Author Share June 25, 2016 This jack off told me one a week ago. "What's your favorite hazardous material?" "mines asbestos....I like it as bestest?? Link to comment
33kaitykaity July 4, 2016 Share July 4, 2016 (edited) I almost hate that I am old enough now -- 52 -- to really appreciate the profound humor here. If this image goes away, please let me know. I will re-upload my personal copy. Edited July 4, 2016 by 33kaitykaity 7 Link to comment
JTMacc99 July 5, 2016 Share July 5, 2016 22 hours ago, stewedsquash said: Number four is what made me snicker. Yep, and number eight made me smile because that's so my sense of humor. Link to comment
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