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Master: You were destined to die! It was written!
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.

Buffy: My God. He’s gonna do the entire speech.
Willow: Man, just ascend already.

Willow: No, it's fine. I'm 'Old Reliable'.
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that, that the guy had to shoot...
Willow: That's Old Yeller.
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.

Willow: That, that wasn't just some temporal fold, that was some weird Hell place. I-I don't think you're telling me everything.
Anya: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.
Willow: Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in Hell?

Willow: Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?

In Doppelgangland, when Vampire Willow wakes up in the book cage dressed in Willow's fuzzy pink sweater: "Oh, this is like a nightmare!"

When Faith causes her and Buffy to switch bodies, and Buffy (in Faith's body) is trying to convince her friends that she's actually Buffy:

Buffy - "Giles, you turned into a demon, and I knew it was you. I mean, can't you just look in my eyes and be all intuitive?"
Giles - "How did I turn into a demon?"
Buffy - "Oh, 'cause, uh, Ethan Rayne. And-and you have a girlfriend named Olivia... and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school...which is valid lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker type, but - Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Do you want me to continue?"
Giles - "Actually, I beg you to stop."
Buffy - "What's a stevedore?"

Edited by riley702
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"You will all be turned into vermin! And some of you will be fish!"


"Supplies? I was wondering about that. Like food, water, maybe a compass?"

"How about a book, a gourd and a bunch of twigs."

"I don't think I'll be that hungry."


"There are things I will not tolerate. Students loitering on campus after school. Horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking."

Edited by Moo
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"For someone who teaches human behavior you might try showing some."

"I'd like to test that theory."

There's a stranger here

beneath my breast

And it hurts me more

than you've ever guessed

If my heart could beat

it would break my chest

But I can see 

you're unimpressed...

  • Love 3
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@Willowy you just had to be cruel, and quote Rest in Peace. That is one sad song... 

Speaking of sad, I give you The Prom:

Buffy: "You guys are going to have a prom. The kind of prom that everyone should have. I'm going to give you all a nice, fun, normal evening, if I have to kill every single person on the face of the earth to do it."

I know that a lot of people have a laugh when she says that, more so because of Xandre's next reaction, but for me, this was always extremly sad; you have a girl who struggles to stay normal in un-normal world, world with demons, vampires and such, saving lives on a daily basis, and she can't even have a fracking prom in peace.

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Ahhh! I just posted a bunch of stuff about The Prom in the season 3 thread! :D


Just went and read it. And I agree with almost everything you said; just never liked Buffy and Angel prom scene, dancing and all, just too... mushy. I know why we have to get it, but that doesn't mean that I have to like it.

Buffy: "Every now and then people surprise you."

Giles: "Every now and then."

The exchange was brilliant, and thank you for reminding me of it!

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I haven't, so thank you again, this time for a link... I read questions and her answers, as well as some of the reactions she provoked. And add Once More With a Feeling to the list of the episodes she named as her favourite, and we're on!

Although, she should just keep quiet when the things she clearly has no good and smart answer to are in question. Angel over Spike... I mean, really SMG? Really?! In the words of one Ms Cordelia Chase: "Please, like shame is something you should be proud of..."


ETA quite and quiet are not the same thing, not in a mile

Edited by decembar13
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Well considering her and Boreanaz were seeing each other for a time during production, ya can't blame the girl for reminiscing fondly.

I take it you're a Spuffy? I've never been hard-core either way because I love both Angel and Spike, but if I were hard-pressed I'd have to go with Angel. :) 

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I believe it was good Xander Harris who said "I don't like vampires. I'm going to take a stand and say they're not good."

And that should be the end of the whole unholy debate of who is better, Angel or Spike.
Unfortunately, Buffy wasn't paired with normal undead likeable guys (Riley, you ask? He is the main reason 4. season is, imo, hands down the worst in the series), but not so normal dead likeable guys; so if I was pressed to choose, I would go with Spike... Angel is mopey and brooding, and overall boring (not counting LA Angel - now, he was still mopey and brooding, but so cool and interesting). Spike is snarky and straight to the point kind of vampire. And he had that Rest in Peace song, and the whole "You're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy" speech that, however pathetic and mushy and cliche'd, swayed me to him in "who wins" debate.

Also, and it's not related to Spike/Angel thing, one of my favourite quotes and it was Anya's (about Buffy and her slayer power): "But you didn't earn it. You didn't work for it. You've never had anybody come up to you and say that you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn't make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us." Someone had to bring Buffy down a notch.

Edited by decembar13
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Also, and it's not related to Spike/Angel thing, one of my favourite quotes and it was Anya's (about Buffy and her slayer power): "But you didn't earn it. You didn't work for it. You've never had anybody come up to you and say that you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn't make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us." Someone had to bring Buffy down a notch.

I hate this quote and I hate Anya.

I don't see how Buffy was "luckier" than anyone when she never wanted to be a slayer. After years of being in multiple dangerous situations losing people she knew and cared about because of being a slayer, killing the love of her life. Getting ripped out of haven, dying at a young age, never being able to have "normal" relationships, getting her butt kicked, facing some really scary monsters, and having the weight of the world on her shoulders since she was a teen is not something that anybody would consider "luck"

Anya and everybody in that room except the potentials and Faith chose that life, Buffy never had a choice yeah Buffy was acting all ridiculous but for someone to call Butfy "luckier" than anyone pissed me off after the hell we saw her go through because she was the slayer. I hated everybody in that episode.

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I have a lot of favorite Buffy quotes but my all time favorite is in Season 2 "Becoming Part 1"


"Bottom line is, even if you see em coming you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are. You'll see what I mean"

And Buffy in Becoming Part 2 when she's fighting Angel and he has her cornered and goes on about how when everything is taken away than what is left and Buffy says "me"

And in "Real Me"

Harmony "So slayer, at last we meet!"

Buffy "We've met, Harmony. You half-wit."

  • Love 4
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Whoa, Summers! You drive like a s***!

I loved Snyder.  Some other great Snyder quotes.

"Congratulations to the class of 1999. You all proved more or less adequate."

"I saw that gesture, you see me after graduation."

"Why couldn't you be dealing drugs like normal people?"

"You're lazy, self involved, and spoiled.  That's quite the challenge."

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decembar13 and Jazzy24, I also did not like that quote from Anya. While I love the character, and think that her speech about Joyce in The Body is one of the best of the entire series, this just felt like a pile-on. Like Anya had been having those thoughts in the back of her mind for a long time and saw her chance when everyone was coming down on Buffy. I also never felt Buffy 'needed to be taken down a peg'. She's busted her ass for all these years, saved them all countless times, and THAT was the thanks she got? 

I'm much more inclined to Spike's way of thinking ("you sad, sad, ungrateful traitors!") than Anya's in that situation. And I was REALLY pissed at Xander. Yes, he'd just lost an eye, but their very lives were at stake every time they went into battle, and he knew that. Willow should've known better, too, and not let Kennedy influence her. And when it really came down to it, they needed Buffy. They needed her to save the world.

A lot.

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Anya, talking to Xander: "If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red lights, and, and... and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of, of colored wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second 'No! The red one!' and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave. Like that, okay?"

Anya, from The Body (the one Willowy mentioned): "I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's... There's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why."   My eyes were actually misty and that's all I'm admitting.

The line of Anya I quoted in previous post was true to the character of Anya and it was expected that she will be the one to say it / something that everyone thinks (that is not necessarily smart or right), but has no guts to speak (or in reality, has sense of propriety); that is, mostly, the reason I do like that quote...
Do I agree with the quote? Partially; Buffy was being ridiculous, acting "better" (their perspective not mine), not listening to anyone, rushing straight to another battle just after losing so many of Potentials and in general wanting something from people who, at the moment, had no strenght at all... I wasn't angry at Xander (because he did lost his eye) or Wilow (she did lost, and felt lost without, Tara <Kennedy was/is/will always be non existent entity>), but I was really, really, really angry at Dawn. Buffy died for her, she was her sister and Dawn just... urgh... But I never liked her, so maybe that was the contributing factor of my overall negative reaction to her in that scene.

ETA  At the end of the day, milage may vary, and I respect other opinions. 

Edited by decembar13
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No, no! Please feel free to vent on the Dawn hate! :D You're in good company! 

While I'm aware she does have her fans, I'm not one of them and I can honestly say I never warmed up to Dawn. The only time she was bearable was when she was hanging out with Spike. 

I guess we could also say that without Buffy getting... er... removed from command... we never would have gotten that awesome scene of her and Spike holding each other all night long, and the awesome (yes I'm corny) things he admitted to her. (I do lean more towards Angel, but this was just adorable)

But still, I thought a full-on mutiny, complete with deliberately hurtful words from people who's collective asses she's saved multiple times over was beyond the pale.

And I like your "Kennedy = Non-Entity" thing!  

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While I'm aware she does have her fans, I'm not one of them and I can honestly say I never warmed up to Dawn. The only time she was bearable was when she was hanging out with Spike.

Firstly, she has fans?! Huh... Then, it's probable that only my google bar is showing "annoying" as a second suggestion after you type Buffy The Vampire Slayer Dawn for search.

Secondly, Dawn's line about how was it in school "um, the usual, big square building filled with boredom and despair" in my mind was always description of her - Dawn was big square building filled with boredom and despair.

But still, I thought a full-on mutiny, complete with deliberately hurtful words from people who's collective asses she's saved multiple times over was beyond the pale.


 I generally have a problem when everyone is up against one person; it screams "witch hunt" to me.

And thank you for validating my opinion of non existent entety that is/was/always will be Kennedy... If you ever watched Doctor Who, you would know what I'm talking about, but basically when you take your eyes off "The Silence", you immediatly forget about them. Kennedy was Buffy's "The Silence".

ETA stupid grammar!!!

Edited by decembar13
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So many Spike quotes, so little time...

Some of my favorites have already been mentioned.

There's also:

"Who do you kill for fun around here?"

"Sla-a-a-yer...here, kitty, kitty."

"The lions are on to you, baby."

"You're not friends. You'll never be friends....Love isn't brains, children, it's blood. Screamin' inside you to work it's will."

"Buffy fights the forces of evil. You're her groupies...You're just the same 10th grade losers you've always been."

His monologue at the end of Doomed and a Special Mention for his rooftop monologue from In The Dark over on  AtS

"A bear! You made a bear!"

This exchange:

Giles: "Why should I help you?

Spike: "Because you do that. You're the goody-good guys. You're the bloody freakin' cavalry."

Spike talking himself into, and then out of, helping Xander rescue Buffy and Riley in Where the Wild Things Are.

"What can I tell you, baby, I've always been bad."

All of Spike's scenes with Joyce, shining like gems, especially in Lovers Walk and Checkpoint.

Edited by Dianthus
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From 'Beer Bad', a much derided episode filled with some excellent lines!

Buffy: I'm suffering the afterness of a bad night of... badness.

Willow: You didn't. Not with Parker again.

Buffy: No. with four really smart guys.

Willow: Four? Oh... ow. Oh, Buffy, are you OK? Do you want to talk about it?

Buffy: I went to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came... beer.

Willow: And then group sex?

Buffy: Pffft... gutterface. No. Just lots and lots of beer.

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A couple of my favourite from Tabula Rasa:


"Do you think she ... walked around on clouds, wearing like ... Birkenstocks and played a harp? 'Cause those are just not flattering. You know, the clonky sandals, not a harp. I mean, who ... doesn't look good with a harp?" - Anya


"'Made with care for Randy.' Randy Giles? Why not just call me 'Horny Giles,' or 'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!" - Spike


Buffy: To slay someone? A female someone! Who do those jerks think they are?
Anya: Bloodsuckers. They kill by sucking blood. Take it easy, Joan.


In relation to Beer Bad, I've always wondered why Buffy has always had such an anti drinking feeling about it. with the exception of the 'villains' drinking is so frowned upon, no matter how much or little you have. Personally, I liked drunk Giles :)

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Beer Bad is one of my favorite eps! Very satisfying to see Buffy bonk Poophead Parker over said poopy head with a big stick.



Xander: "Says the guy who spent the late 60s in an electric Kool-aid funky Satan groove."

Giles: "It was the early 70s and you still should've known better."

I personally think Joss has/had some serious issues with alcoholism. Not to say that he was himself an alcoholic. If someone you love is an alcoholic (his dad?), then it's an issue for you too.

I also think that's partly why Spike takes so much more crap (not to mention pain and suffering) for his misdeeds than Anya does for hers, even tho' she was evil a lot longer than him, did more collateral damage, and (maybe) had a soul. That last bit was never really made clear, b/c her getting a soul or losing it to begin with, was never addressed by TPtB.

Vampirism was obviously used as a metaphor for addiction: Angel going "off the wagon" in s2, Spike getting "clean."     

Edited by Dianthus
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Beer Bad is one of my favorite eps! Very satisfying to see Buffy bonk Poophead Parker over said poopy head with a big stick.


Xander: "Good, just as long as that's clear. Anyways I think that the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This will give them some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of BEING MEAN TO ME!"

Giles: "Whose van is that?"

Xander: "I dunno, wasn't locked."


There should have been more time dedicated to the comedy team of Xander and Giles in season 4.

Edited by Jediknight
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Sunfleck: Oz and animal crackers. Yum! Ok, I'll confess, I had to think about that one for a second.


"Oh, Spike. You're the Big Bad."


I can't believe I forgot Spike's epic takedown of Glory from Intervention in my earlier post.

Glory: "I'm a God."

Spike: "The God of what, bad home perms?"


"I never knew Gods were such prancing lightweights."


"Mark my words, the Slayer's gonna kick your skanky, lop-sided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion-victim ex-God like you."


Also, "We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Barker." 

Edited by Dianthus
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Some of my favorites from "Earshot."


Cordelia: Hi, Mr. Beech. I was just wondering, were you planning on killing a bunch of people tomorrow? Oh, it's for the yearbook.


Giles: Feel up to some training?

Buffy: Sure! We can work out after school, you know, if you're not too busy having sex with my mother!


Buffy: Well, it's nice to be able to help someone in a non-slaying capacity. Except, he's starting to get that look, you know, like he's gonna ask me to Prom.

Giles: Well, it would probably be good for his self-esteem, if you...

Buffy: Oh, come on. What am I, Saint Buffy? He's like three feet tall.


Willow: The school paper is edging on depressing, lately. Have you guys noticed that?

Oz: I don't know. I always go straight to the obits.


And one of my all-time BtVS favorites--


Buffy: My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it.

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one of my favourite quotes and it was Anya's (about Buffy and her slayer power): "But you didn't earn it. You didn't work for it. You've never had anybody come up to you and say that you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn't make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us." Someone had to bring Buffy down a notch.

God, I hated that quote. I hate that episode in general, but especially that quote. You know how Buffy earned her power, Anya? 8 years of fighting and sacrificing and dying so you could have the opportunity to sit there and unfairly judge her, that's how. She didn't say, for instance, do one spell, grab the attention of a higher demon, get turned immortal and get to spend over 1000 years fannying around the world doing whatever the hell she wanted, like some others. She used the power she had to save all your arses repeatedly. She more than earned her power. Ugh, I hate that quote lol.

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But technically Buffy didn't earn her superpowers. She proved herself worthy of them post factum, sure, but back when she was handed them for the first time she wasn't exactly a great choice. And in any event,  her being a good or bad leader had precious little to do with her being able to punch holes in walls. Of course, this being season 7, the writers had Anya express her argument in a rather clumsy fashion but her point was Buffy didn't have a literal god given right to lead by virtue of being a Slayer.

Edited by Jack Shaftoe
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But technically Buffy didn't earn her superpowers. She proved herself worthy of them post factum, sure, but back when she was handed them for the first time she wasn't exactly a great choice. And in any event,  her being a good or bad leader had precious little to do with her being able to punch holes in walls. Of course, this being season 7, the writers had Anya express her argument in a rather clumsy fashion but her point was Buffy didn't have a literal god given right to lead by virtue of being a Slayer.

Yes, you're right. She earned her powers in the way she used them, not to begin with. But she still earned them. By S7, she was so far beyond Anya and Willow in the morality stakes it wasn't even funny. So to have one of the murderers in the group gripe at the one who spent all her time and energy saving the innocent people in the world was a little much lol.


As for being a leader, I also think she was absolutely right: she was the leader. She was the slayer and they were her worker bees lol. The problem always arose when they forgot that and tried to take the reigns. And that's when potentials start getting blown up, and I can't say I felt too bad for them. Amanda was right: they were being punished and they so deserved it.


Can you tell I'm still bitter about the treatment Buffy suffered through? I can't help it. They were all just so damn ungrateful and uppity. I would never barge into my boss's office and tell him how to do his job just because I've worked late with him a few nights, you know? Know your place, Scoobies. Unless you want to get blown up.

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I would never barge into my boss's office and tell him how to do his job just because I've worked late with him a few nights, you know?


Buffy wasn't the boss of anyone, they were all volunteers. If you are a volunteer and you think your leader is about to send you to your death, it is perfectly natural to be inclined to tell said leader to go to hell. And in any event in this particular occasion Buffy's, for a lack of a better word, plan was monumentally stupid and was indeed going to get them all killed. She only succeeded because Caleb was literally too stupid to live and because she went to his lair alone - which was not the original plan. Just because she had a good track record as a leader (not so much in the last few years, it has to be said) doesn't mean any idea of hers that sounds suicidally stupid is actually a brilliant plan. The characters don't know they are in a TV show and that Buffy shall prevail in the end by virtue of the show being named after her. History is full of successful politicians and generals who had impressive track records and ended up bringing disasters because people convinced themselves their leaders could do no wrong. If the Scoobies always fell in line and obeyed Buffy, she wouldn't have made it past the second episode of the show...


Also, Buffy being the Slayer or not shouldn't be a factor in the decision of who gets to be the leader. The one who punches the strongest shouldn't be a leader by default, even cavemen recognized that rule. Buffy was the leader because the others had confidence in the leadership abilities. Once they lost that confidence, the natural thing to do would be to select a new leader (or Buffy to find new sidekicks). Following someone whose decisions you don't trust is a recipe for disaster.

Edited by Jack Shaftoe
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XANDER (about Willow's college admission letters): Is anyone else intimidated?  'Cause I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words 'No Way' written in crayon.

OZ:  They're typing those now.


WESLEY:  I didn't get this job because of my looks.

BUFFY:  I really, really believe that.


BUFFY:  When Giles sends me on a mission, he always says "Please".  And afterwards I get a cookie.


WESLEY:  Remember the three key words for any Slayer:  Preparation, Preparation, Preparation.

BUFFY:  That's one word three times.


BUFFY:  Wait! Stop! Think!

FAITH: No, no, no!

She's lucky she's hot, that's all I'm saying.

Edited by Halting Hex
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23 minutes ago, Halting Hex said:

She's lucky she's hot, that's all I'm saying.

Giles; "Let's not jump to conclusions"

Buffy; "I didn't jump, I took a tiny step, there conclusions were"


Giles; "But you didn't hone..."


Xander; "People say kids don't learn anything in school. Well I learnt, I learnt to be AFRAID!"

On ‎01‎/‎04‎/‎2014 at 6:20 PM, Lisin said:

Not exactly a quote but this gif will always make me smile.


Almost as good as Xander miming 'Boobies?'

On ‎04‎/‎04‎/‎2014 at 6:05 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Spike: Out. For. A. Walk. Bitch.

That's such a strange remark to me, he's head over heels in love with Buffy yet still feels the need to get a dig in?

Just started a new review/discussion thread for the ep The Wish, please pop by. 

Edited by Joe Hellandback
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On ‎06‎/‎04‎/‎2014 at 2:00 PM, decembar13 said:

One of the favs was Spike's: "I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."

The irony of course that he DOESN'T, Dawn has to point it out to Buffy who then has to confront him about it. 

Just started a new review/discussion thread for the ep The Wish, please pop by.

Edited by Joe Hellandback
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I said this wasn't exactly a "line" before, but there's no reason I can't cite it here, I suppose.  From Faith, Hope, & Trick:


BUFFY: [Whines about Faith chasing Buffy's "not-boyfriend", Scott]

WILLOW (sighing, quoting Faith):  You really do need to "find the fun, B."

BUFFY: [gives Willow a LOOK OF DEATH]

WILLOW (backtracks): —uffy!

Heh.  And this later variation, from Döppelgängland:


WILLOW (worried):  That's me as a vampire?  I'm so evil…and skanky.  (Confidentially)  And I think I'm kind of gay!

BUFFY (reassuring):  Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.

ANGEL (the expert in the room):  Well, actually—

BUFFY: [gives Angel a LOOK OF DEATH]

ANGEL (folds):  —that's a good point.

And again, heh.

Edited by Halting Hex
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XANDER:  Buffy, none of this is your fault.  If it weren't for you, people'd be lined up five deep waiting to be buried.  Willow would be Robbie the Robot's love-slave, I wouldn't even have a head…and Theresa's a vampire!

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Xander: Oh, huh, I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.



Buffy: (takes in the information) Tonight, okay... (realizes the conflict) Not okay! It can't be tonight!

Giles: My calculations are precise.

Buffy: Nuh! They're bad calculations! Bad!

Willow: Buffy has a really important date.

Buffy: Owen!

Giles: Alright, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.

Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.


Buffy: (starts walking) I can't take this anymore. I feel like everyone is staring at me, the big, hideous, dateless monster. (to a passing student) What? Yeah, that's right, I have no life, c'mon, nothin' to see here, pal, move it along!


Willow: Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy or, or some ducks?


Buffy: I didn't notice anything. (they sit) But then again I'm not as hyperaware of him as, oh, say, for example, you.

Willow: Hyperaware?

Buffy: Well, I'm not constantly monitoring his health, his moods, his blood pressure...

Willow: (grins) 130 over 80!

Buffy: (amused) You got it bad, girl!



Xander: Hey! Nobody messes with my Willow.






Willow: I'm not okay. I knew those guys. I go to that room every day. And when I walked in there, it... it wasn't our world anymore. They made it theirs. And they had fun. (a tear rolls down her cheek) What are we gonna do?


Angel: Oh. Look who's here.

Xander: Mind if I come in? (comes in)

Angel: (closes the door) Make yourself at home.

Xander: She's gone.

Angel: Whadaya mean?

Xander: Buffy, she's gone to fight the Master.

Angel: He'll kill her.

Xander: Rumor has it. Only we're not gonna let it happen.

Angel: Well, what do you propose we do about it?

Xander: Look, I know you can find this Master guy. He's underground, right? Take me to him.

Angel: You're way outta your league, kid. The Master'll kill you before you can even breathe. If you're lucky.

Xander: How can I say this clearly?

He holds up a cross. Angel growls. Xander advances toward him, and he backs off until he falls onto the couch.

Xander: I don't like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you're a vampire. (lowers the cross) But Buffy's got this big old yen for you. She thinks you're a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right.

Angel: You're in love with her.

Xander: Aren't you?


Cordelia: Buffy. (Buffy stops) You're really campaigning for bitch-of- the-year, aren't you?

Buffy: (turns to face her) As defending champion, you nervous?

Cordelia: I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close, which is nice, 'cause I don't really like you that much, but... you have on occasion saved the world and stuff, so I'm gonna... do you a favor.

Buffy: And this great favor is...

Cordelia: I'm gonna give you some advice. Get over it.

Buffy: Excuse me?

Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

Buffy: I think it's about time you start minding your own business.

Cordelia: It's long past.

Buffy: (turns and goes) Nighty-night. (flips up her hood)


Buffy: We were close. We killed each other. It really promotes togetherness.


Buffy: What happened?

Xander: (out of breath) Vampires. The ones you could handle yourself.

Buffy: Where are the others?

Xander: I don't know. (angry) I don't know what your problem is, what your issues are. But as of now, I officially don't care. If you'd worked with us for five seconds, you coulda stopped this.

Buffy: (turns away) We, we just have to think. Where would they have taken them?

Xander: (vehemently) If they hurt Willow, I'll kill you.


Xander: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak? (notices Angel) Hey, man, how you doin'?


Willow: (to Buffy) Do you think Giles ever played 'Anywhere But Here' when he was in school?
They see him coming toward them.
Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, 'There should be more math. This could be mathier.'
Willow: C'mon, you don't think he ever got restless as a kid?
Buffy: Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed.


Giles: Just don't be late.

Buffy: Have I ever let you down?

Giles: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?


Buffy: Vampires are creeps.

Giles: Yes, that's why one slays them.

Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini pizzas, and everyone's like, 'I like your mini pizzas,' but I'm telling you, I am...

Giles: (interrupts) Uh, uh, Buffy! I-I believe the... subtext here is, is, rapidly becoming, uh, (clears his throat) uh, text. Are you sure there's nothing you want to share?


Xander: Yeah? Well, those of us who were born with feelings are gonna do something about this.

Jenny: Xander.

Willow: No, Xander's right! My God, you people are all... Well, I'm upset, and I can't think of a mean word right now, but that's what you are, and we're going to the factory!


Xander: Willow, come on!

Willow: (stops and confronts him, shaking her finger) I knew it! I knew it! Well, not 'knew it' in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural!

Xander: I know it's weird...

Willow: Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's (disgusted) Cordelia! Remember? The, the 'We Hate Cordelia' club, of which you are the treasurer.

Xander: Look, I was gonna tell you.

Willow: Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?

Xander: All right, let's overreact, shall we?

Willow: But I'm...

Xander: Willow, we were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much.

Willow: No. It just means that you'd rather be with someone you hate than be with me.


Oz: Uh... (points) Arm.


Angelus: You can't do it. You can't kill me.

Her anger takes over and she kicks him extremely hard in the crotch. Angelus grabs his groin and moans in extreme pain. He collapses to his knees. Buffy turns her back on him and walks away.

Buffy: Give me time.


Xander: Visiting hours are over.

Angelus: Well, I'm pretty much family.

Xander: (trying hard to stay cool) Yeah. Why don't you come back during the day? Oh, gee, no, I guess you can't.

Angelus: (threateningly) If I decide to walk into Buffy's room, do you think for one microsecond that you could stop me?

Xander: Maybe not. Maybe that security guard couldn't either. Or those cops... or the orderlies... But I'm kinda curious to find out. You game?

Angelus: (pauses) Buffy's White Knight. You still love her. (leans in close) It must just eat you up that I got there first.

Xander: (fighting his nervousness) You're gonna die. And I'm gonna be there.

Angelus slaps the flowers against Xander's chest.

Angelus: Tell her I stopped by.


Xander: Come on, Will. Look, you don't have a choice here. You gotta wake up. I need you, Will. I mean, how am I gonna pass trig, you know? (chuckles) And who am I gonna call every night... and talk about everything we did all day? You're my best friend. You've always...

He looks at her for a long moment, looks away for an instant and then at her again, struggling with his emotions.

Xander: I love you.

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Xander: (to Giles) Check it out. The Watcher is back on the clock. (Giles slips on his glasses) And just when you were thinking career change, maybe becoming a . . . a looker or a . . . a seer.


Oz: (leans back in his chair) We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?

Cordelia: What's the difference?

Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, (nods to Cordelia) dip, (Cordelia smiles) less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.


Giles: Unbelievable. (mocks Joyce) 'Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the *dead*!' Americans.


Xander: Yeah, we should face it, Will. You and I are gonna be in neighboring rest homes while I come over so you can adjust my, um... My, uh... Well, I can't think of anything that's not really gross.


Cordelia: This whole trying to be like me really isn't funny anymore.

Buffy: I was *never* trying to be like you, and when was it funny?

Cordelia: I don't see why your pathetic need to recapture your glory days gives you the right to splinter my vote.
Buffy: How can you think it's okay to talk to people like this? Do you have parents?

Cordelia: Yeah. Two of them... unlike some people.

Buffy: Your brain isn't even connected to your mouth, is it?


Willow: ...the worst thing that's ever happened. Ever!

Xander: I know. I know. It's just... when I look at you now, it's like I'm seeing you for the first time.

Willow: I'm talking about Buffy and Cordelia.

Xander: (yanks back his arm) Me, too.

Willow: (sighs) What are we gonna do? I mean, we have to do something. This is all our fault.

Xander: How do you get from 'chick fight' to 'our fault'?

Willow: (flustered) Because: we felt so guilty about the fluke, we overcompensated helping Cordelia, and we spun the whole group dynamic out of orbit, and we're just a big meteor shower heading for Earth...

Xander: Okay, calm down. Let's just put our heads together and think of something. (takes a breath) Okay, one of us here is pretty darn smart, and I am ...just in Hell. I-I mean, I-I thought being a senior *at last* and, and having a girlfriend *at last* would, would be a *good* thing. Now, why wouldn't that be a good thing? What?

Willow: Sometimes when you're falling to pieces, your mouth, (reaches up with her hand) it just does the sweetest thing.


Lyle: I'm gonna kill both you Slayers for this! You hear me?

Cordelia: I hear you, you redneck moron. You got a dress that goes with that hat?

Lyle: (furious) I'm gonna...

Cordelia: Rip out my innards, play with my eyeballs, boil my brain and eat it for brunch? Listen up, needle-brain. Buffy and I have taken out four of your cronies, not to mention your girlfriend.

Lyle: WIFE!

Cordelia: Whatever. The point is, I haven't even broken a sweat. See, in the end, Buffy's just the runner-up. *I'm* the Queen. You get me mad, (gets in his face and glares at him) what do you think I'm gonna do to you?


Mayor Wilkins: That's an exciting suit.

Trick: Well, clothes make the man.

Mayor Wilkins: Well, as I understand it, you're not a man... exactly. Mr. Trick, I've been the Mayor for quite some time. I like things to run smoothly. This is a very important year for me.

Trick: Election year.

Mayor Wilkins: Something like that.

Trick: If this is the part where you tell me that I don't fit in here in your quiet little neighborhood, you can just skip it 'cause, see, that all got old long before I became a vampire. Do you know what I'm saying?


Willow: Ugh... It's late. I'm tired. What does he want from us, anyway?

Xander: The number of a qualified surgeon to remove the British flag from his butt?


Jack: (angrily) I'm gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I'm gonna break every one of your fingers.

Xander: You gonna do all that in forty-nine seconds?


Xander: I know what you're thinkin'. Can I get by him? Get up the stairs, out of the building, seconds ticking away... I don't love your chances.

Jack: Then you'll die, too.

Xander: Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is... who has less fear?

Jack: I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead.

Xander: Yeah, but this is different. Being blowed up isn't walking around and drinking with your buddies dead. It's little bits being swept up by a janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that.

Jack: Are you?

Xander: (glances at the bomb, smiles thinly) I like the quiet.


Willow: (stands up, annoyed) Well, maybe I don't *wanna* be reliable all the time. Maybe I'm not just some doormat person. Homework Gal.

Xander: I'm thinking nerve strike.

Willow: Maybe I'll change my look! Or cut class. You don't know.

Buffy and Xander just give her surprised looks.

Willow: (holds up her banana defiantly) And I'm eating this banana. Lunchtime be damned! 

Buffy: (goes after her) Will, wait. I'm really sorry...

Willow: (interrupts, chiding gently) Buff, I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you come with me.


Wesley: Was that...?

Cordelia: Willow. (shakes her head sorrowfully) They got Willow. (gets over it) (brightly) So, are you doing anything tonight?

Wesley is rendered speechless.


CORDELIA Hi Mr. Beech! I was just wondering, were you planning on killing a bunch of people tomorrow? (smiles) Oh, it's for the yearbook!

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Wow, somebody's been busy.

From When She Was Bad:


GILES: I wonder if [the vampires are] here for any purpose, particularly.

BUFFY: You're the Watcher. I just work here.

GILES: Yes, I-I must consult my books.

XANDER: Oh, eight minutes and thirty-three seconds, pay up. (Willow hands him a dollar, smiling in an amused-but-disappointed way at Giles) I called ten minutes before you'd consult your books about something.


WILLOW:  Well, what about the rest of the note?

BUFFY:  What rest of the note?

WILLOW:  The part that says "P.S., this is a trap"


BUFFY:  I don't trust you.  You're a vampire.  Oh, I'm sorry…was that an offensive term?  Should I have said "Undead-American"?


TARA (the Cordelia-impersonating vampire):  You're too late.  Your friends are dead.

BUFFY: Tell me where they are!

TARA:  What are you gonna do, kill me?

BUFFY:  As a matter of fact, yes.

(takes off her cross necklace)

BUFFY: But since I'm not going to kill you any time soon, the question becomes…

(she dangles the cross in Tara's mouth, covering it with her hands)

BUFFY (continuing): …how are we going to pass the time until then?

(removes the cross, smoke comes out of Tara's mouth)

BUFFY:  So.  One more time.


ANGEL:  We need you to distract the vampires.

BUFFY:  Right.

XANDER:  What are you gonna do?

BUFFY:  I'm going to kill them all. That ought to distract them.


ABSALOM:  Enough! (brandishes a sledgehammer) Your day is done, girl! I'll grind you into a sticky paste, and hear you beg before I smash your face


BUFFY ("confused"):  So, are you gonna kill me…or are we just making small talk?

Absalom howls and charges, while Bob (the big hulking vampire) charges Buffy from the other side.  Buffy breaks the big torch, stakes Bob with the shaft and burns up Absalom with the fire.  Mission accomplished.


GILES:  Punishing yourself like this is pointless.

BUFFY:  It's entirely pointy.  I was a moron,  I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school.

GILES:  What are you going to do?  Crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?

BUFFY:  Would it have cable?

GILES: Buffy, you acted wrongly, I admit that. But believe me, that was hardly the, the worst mistake you'll ever make.* Uh, that wasn't quite as comforting as it was meant to be.

*-ooh, foreshadowing!


XANDER: So, we Bronzin' it tonight?

WILLOW: Wednesday, it's kinda beat.

XANDER: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.

The two of them give Buffy big smiles. She smiles back.


You know, this thread could get insanely long. I'm just saying

Edited by Halting Hex
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Xander: Simple deduction. Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket. She already knows that you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her.

Buffy: And she's the only woman we've actually ever seen speak to you. Add it all up and it all spells 'duh'.

Xander: Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?

Giles: You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business.


Cordelia: Hello! Can we deal with my pain, please?


Buffy: I couldn't believe Angel. He was acting all jealous, and he wouldn't even admit it.

Willow: Jealous of what?

Buffy: Of Xander.

Willow: Because you did that sexy dance with him?

Buffy: Am I ever gonna live that down?

Willow: No.


Cordelia: Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to...

Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here.


Jenny: Willow.

Willow: Yes?

Jenny: Um, I might be a little late tomorrow. Do you think you could cover my class till I show?

Willow: (smiling brightly) Really? Me? Teach the class? Sure!

Jenny: Cool.

Willow: (suddenly worried) Oh, wait. W-what if they don't recognize my authority? What if they try to convince me that you always let them leave class early? What if there's a fire drill? What if there's a fire?

Jenny: (reassuringly) Willow, you're gonna be fine. And I'll try not to be too late, okay?

Willow: (calmer) Okay. Good. Earlier is good. (smiles) Will I have the power to assign detention? Or make 'em run laps?


Willow: I'm gonna have a hard time explaining this to my dad.

Buffy: You really think it'll bother him?

Willow: Ira Rosenberg's only daughter nailing crucifixes to her bedroom wall? I have to go over to Xander's house just to watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' every year.

Buffy: I see your point. 

Willow: Although it is worthwhile to see him do the Snoopy Dance.

Cordelia: Willow, (faces them, arms crossed) are you aware that there are no fish in your aquarium?

Willow frowns and whines.

Buffy: You know, Cordelia, we've already done your car. Call it a night if you want.

Cordelia: Right. Thanks. And you know I'd do the same for you if you had a social life.


Buffy: Open your eyes, Mom. What do you think has been going on for the past two years? The fights, the weird occurrences. How many times have you washed blood out of my clothing, and you still haven't figured it out?

Joyce: Well, it stops now!

Buffy: No, it doesn't stop! It *never* stops! Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would *love* to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or... God, even studying! But I have to save the world... again.


Xander: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?

Oz: Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?

Xander: That's right, he was! (shouting after Andrew) Cheater! (to Willow) Okay, and the, uh, second problem I'm having . . . 'Come and get it, Big Boy'?

Willow: Well . . . (stammering) W-well, the Slayer always says a pun or-or a witty play on words, and I think it throws the vampires off, and, and it makes them *frightened* because I'm wisecracking. Okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one, but *you* try it every time.


Joyce: This isn't over. If I have to, I'll go all the way to the Mayor.

Snyder: Wouldn't that be interesting.


Giles: I'd like to have a word with you.

Snyder: If that word is Buffy, then I have two words for you: 'good' and 'riddance'. Now, if you don't mind, I have an appointment with the Mayor.

Giles: You can't keep her out of this school.

Snyder: I think you'll find I can.

Giles: You had no grounds for expelling her.

Snyder: I have grounds, I have precedent, and a tingly kind of feeling.

Giles: Buffy Summers is a minor, and is entitled to a public education. Your personal dislike of the girl does not legally entitle you to--

Snyder: (interrupts) Why don't you take it up with the city council?

Giles: I thought I'd start with the State Supreme Court. You're powerful in local circles, but I believe I can make life very difficult for you, professionally speaking. And Buffy will be allowed back in.

Snyder: Sorry. I'm not convinced.

He tries to go again. Giles grabs him by the lapel and shoves him back into his filing cabinet.

Giles: (grining) Would you like me to convince you?


Cordelia: What's going on? (she sees Buffy's tear-streaked face) Oh, God. Is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world's ending, I'm not gonna bother.

Giles: (desperately) You can't walk home alone, Buffy. It isn't safe.

Buffy: (facing away) I don't know you.

Cordelia: (faces Giles) Did something take her memory? (turns to Buffy) He's Giles. Giiillles. (grins) He hangs out here a lot.

Buffy: Cordelia, could you please drive me home?

Cordelia: (surprised) Of course. (to Giles) But if the world doesn't end, I'm gonna need a note.


Willow: Now, now when you say 'fired', do you mean 'fired'?

Xander: You're not cruising past that concept any time soon, are you?

Willow: Well, it's just... I mean, he's been *fired*! He's, he's unemployed! He's... between jobs.

Buffy: Giles isn't going anywhere, Will. He's still librarian.

Willow: Okay, but I'm writing an angry letter.


Buffy:  “Somebody should speak before one of us graduates.”


Xander:  “Dumb jock!  If it wasn’t for you he still would be.”
Willow:  “I mean, I know the - Percy thing isn’t really important, it’s the - dead guy on the bed.”
Xander:  “Yeah, that’s bad, too.”
Willow:  “Ooh, and something else.  He, the dead guy, was-was propped up, like whatever killed him wanted to drain the blood out of him.  So I’m thinking the whatever took a bunch of the guy’s blood with it.  And I haven’t been a nerd for a very long time!  Hello dating a guitarist, - or I - was.”


Giles:  “It’s the end of the world.”
All three kids:  “Again?”
Giles:  “It’s ah, the earthquake, - that symbol, -yes.”
Buffy:  “I told you.  I-I said end of the world and you’re like ‘poo-poo southern California, poo-poo!”
Giles:  “I’m so very sorry.  My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.”


Riley:  “Well, hey!  Willow – and Xander, right?  Jeez, what are the chances, huh?  (Looks at Buffy for help, but she just folds her arms and looks down)  Yeah, I was just passing by when I thought I heard people inside.”
Willow:  “Passing by in your GI Joe outfit?”
Riley looks down at himself.
Buffy suppressing a smile:  “No offence, but you do look wicked conspicuous.”
Riley:  “I do?  But it’s... – Paintball!  Yeah, I was playing paintball.  And then the aftershocks...”
Xander:  “So you’re one of the commando guys, huh?”
Riley laughs:  Oh, no, no, no, no.  Commando? No, I mean...  (Notices Spike) Don’t I know you?”
Spike:  “Me? (Affecting a bad Texan accent) No.  No, sir.  I’m just an old pal of Xander’s here.”


Walsh: So, the Slayer.

Buffy:  Yeah. That's me.

Walsh: We thought you were a myth.

Buffy: Well, you were myth-taken.


Spike: Well.  What do I spy with my little eye? A demon.  That would be . . . oh, right . . . the things I can kill.

Giles: Spike. Wonderful.  A perfect end to a perfect day.

Spike: Giles?

Giles: (turning around, fists up) Go on, then.  Let's get on with the fighting-- You understand me?

Spike: Of course I understand you.

Giles: I'm speaking English?

Spike: No, you're speaking Fyarl.  I happen to speak Fyarl.  And . . . by the way, why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning?

Giles: As a matter of fact, I did. Thanks to Ethan Rayne.  You have to help me find him. He must undo this and then he needs a . . .  good being killed.

Spike: And I'm just supposed to help you out of the evilness of my heart?

Giles: Y-you help me and I-I don't kill you.

Spike: Oh, tremendously convincing. Try it again without the stutter.

Giles: Money.  I could pay you money.

Spike: (steps closer and flicks cig away) Oh, I like money. How much?

Giles: A h-hundred dollars.

Spike: A hundred dollars? You'll have to do a lot better than that.  Two-hundred.

Giles: Fine.


WILLOW: (stretching, grinning) They, they're probably going to- (Tara grins)
GILES: Yes, thank you Willow, I did attend university in the Mesozoic era, I do remember what it's like


Buffy: Xander.

Willow: Oh, wonderful Xander!

Buffy: You know we love you, right?

Willow: We totally do.

Xander: Oh God, we're gonna die, aren't we?

Willow: No, we just missed you.

Xander: Giles, hurry up! You definitely wanna get down here for this!

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