Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[RealHousewife]

14 hours ago, HerkyJerky said:

Unfortunately not.  If any of us had a foolproof way of meeting decent people, I think we would all be in relationships instead of continually looking.

This reminds me of a Beetle Bailey cartoon that I've kept in my wallet for years: Beetle says to Killer: "Have you had any luck in finding the perfect girl?"

Killer replies: "As a matter of fact I have!"

Beetle says: "That's great, Killer!"

Killer replies: "Actually, not so much.  She was looking for the perfect guy!"😂

Haha, well I don't know about all of you, but I am not chasing perfection. I also know I'm not perfect myself. That's actually what's held me back more than anything. Without sounding too arrogant, guys actually like the way I look a lot. However, because they see me as the pretty girl and all that, I pick out my flaws that much more. If my skin breaks out, I don't even want to leave the house. My shape is nice, but I have some scars on my body. I feel like if I had a different face, were older, heavier, etc., I wouldn't feel so self-conscious. Luckily the skin on both my face and body have improved, but hearing so many men talk about women in such a gross way, I still don't love men just wanting me for what I look like. What if I get my body and face in a way I feel very good about, but I have a baby and get stretch marks or can't lose the weight? 

I know there are a lot of good men. But my father, while a good guy, can be very superficial and places a lot of importance on looks. I've also worked with mostly men for many years. I hear them say such horrible things about their wives and mothers of their children. It's disgusting. I've tried to get over all of this stuff in therapy, but I had no luck tbh. My therapist just said you have to risk getting hurt if you want to find love. I'm honestly more comfortable putting myself out there with men I'm not as into because I figure they can't hurt me. 

 

[HerkyJerky]

RH, have you read the book "Group" by Christie Tate?  The author has a lot of the same thoughts as you and it's an interesting read.

[RealHousewife]

9 hours ago, HerkyJerky said:

RH, have you read the book "Group" by Christie Tate?  The author has a lot of the same thoughts as you and it's an interesting read.

I haven't, thank you for the recommendation HerkyJerky. 

What are everyone's thoughts on dating parents, especially if you don't have kids of your own? Some people say it's hard to avoid once you get to your 30s, but some people would rather be single date someone with children. 

[theredhead77]

54 minutes ago, RealHousewife said:

I haven't, thank you for the recommendation HerkyJerky. 

What are everyone's thoughts on dating parents, especially if you don't have kids of your own? Some people say it's hard to avoid once you get to your 30s, but some people would rather be single date someone with children. 

Only date a person with children if you're ready to understand that those children will always come first, plans will be changed at the last minute, and only if you're prepared to be a step-parent at the involvement level dictated by the situation: present as an adult but not parental figure, an additional parental figure, an annoyance in the eyes of the kids, etc...

[Bastet]

1 hour ago, RealHousewife said:

What are everyone's thoughts on dating parents, especially if you don't have kids of your own?

It depends on what type of relationship; if it's just going to be casual, it doesn't really matter, because you're probably not even going to be interacting with the kids, but if you're hoping the person might be someone you'd wind up in a long-term relationship with, you have to be prepared to be part of that child's life.  (You also have to be prepared that they may resent that, depending on how old they are, how long it's been since their parents broke up, etc.)

So you have to like kids, obviously, but also be interested in being some kind of parental figure.  On the flip side, if you love kids and want to be a parent, you may also have to accept that you'll "only" be a stepparent -- someone who already has a couple of kids may very well not want anymore.

Not a road anyone should go down without a lot of thought and communication, certainly.

 

[RealHousewife]

3 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

Only date a person with children if you're ready to understand that those children will always come first, plans will be changed at the last minute, and only if you're prepared to be a step-parent at the involvement level dictated by the situation: present as an adult but not parental figure, an additional parental figure, an annoyance in the eyes of the kids, etc...

I'm so used to being single and am independent and introverted, so the idea of having some space sounds fantastic!

2 hours ago, Bastet said:

It depends on what type of relationship; if it's just going to be casual, it doesn't really matter, because you're probably not even going to be interacting with the kids, but if you're hoping the person might be someone you'd wind up in a long-term relationship with, you have to be prepared to be part of that child's life.  (You also have to be prepared that they may resent that, depending on how old they are, how long it's been since their parents broke up, etc.)

So you have to like kids, obviously, but also be interested in being some kind of parental figure.  On the flip side, if you love kids and want to be a parent, you may also have to accept that you'll "only" be a stepparent -- someone who already has a couple of kids may very well not want anymore.

Not a road anyone should go down without a lot of thought and communication, certainly.

 

See, this is another thing I struggle with. I didn't date a ton when I was younger due to multiple factors, and part of me wants to explore all different kinds of men, but because I am older and haven't given up hope of having a family, the other part of me thinks I need to date seriously. 

Definitely. I thought my friend had the ideal situation with her husband. Her husband has only one child. He is a sweet kid, and there is no drama with his mother. But my friend, who's typically a good person, says don't ever get with someone who has kids, doesn't love her stepson, and is competitive with his mother, who's never done anything to her. When I've given opinions more in her stepson's favor, she says she just loves her own child so much, carried him for nine months, all that stuff. I like to think even though I have no kids of my own I would be a good stepmother. I love kids, and they gravitate towards me. Some people just seem to love the heck out of their own kids but aren't the least bit maternal towards other children.

The articles I've read about reasons to date single dads will say dads know how to love better, are more mature, are more reliable, that they have better values, etc. I don't know about you all, but I've known a lot of awful men who have happened to reproduce. Men with kids can still be immature, deadbeat fathers, still treat women terribly, etc. One of my pet peeves is actually the romanticizing of those who have kids. I feel the same way about moms. Some are wonderful and work their tails off, but others just happened to have had kids. 

I guess for me it's still not my ideal situation, but it isn't an instant dealbreaker. I'm also definitely more open to a father of one than a father of multiple kids. There are people who have have large families, but I know if a man has two or three kids, he's probably not interested in any more.

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 2/22/2023 at 10:44 PM, RealHousewife said:

Why can't we have a happy medium between purity culture and hookup culture?

That happy medium is how I remember my 20s and 30s, approximately the 1980s and 1990s.  Hmm...corresponding approximately with the period after the sexual revolution and before everybody was on the internet. 

[JTMacc99]

15 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I guess for me it's still not my ideal situation, but it isn't an instant deal breaker. I'm also definitely more open to a father of one than a father of multiple kids. There are people who have have large families, but I know if a man has two or three kids, he's probably not interested in any more.

The first deal breaker for you should be how you really feel, deep down, about the role you will take on as the new wife of a man with children. You will be a big part of their lives. You'll be in the house when they're in the house. Meals, laundry, schoolwork, sports, sick days, summer breaks, teenage drama will all be a part of your life with them. You need to be sure you're good with all of that in your life for many years to come if you're hoping to get into a long term relationship with a person with kids.

As you're still in the window of "older but haven't given up on hope of having a family", I don't think you should make any rules about which single dads will likely be open to having more children. You'll have to figure out each guy's deal on a case by case basis.

• Unless we're talking about Nick Cannon, I don't think the number of children gives any indication of whether or not he's open to starting a new family.
  • Nick Cannon is apparently always open to this, so we're eliminating him.
  • Men who have children already are most likely to be super open with you about whether or not they'd consider having more. They are already down that path. They know damn well what they would be signing up for, so you shouldn't hesitate to ask them. They'll tell you.
  • IF one of those guys says yes to that question, you've got a perfect opportunity to find out what kind of parent he will be. If he's got the time and puts in the effort to be a good partner for YOU, and he demonstrates that he is a good parent to his children, you can make a bet that he'll continue to be a good parent to any children you share.

 

 

 

15 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

See, this is another thing I struggle with. I didn't date a ton when I was younger due to multiple factors, and part of me wants to explore all different kinds of men, but because I am older and haven't given up hope of having a family, the other part of me thinks I need to date seriously. 

 

[RealHousewife]

On 2/28/2023 at 3:23 PM, JTMacc99 said:

The first deal breaker for you should be how you really feel, deep down, about the role you will take on as the new wife of a man with children. You will be a big part of their lives. You'll be in the house when they're in the house. Meals, laundry, schoolwork, sports, sick days, summer breaks, teenage drama will all be a part of your life with them. You need to be sure you're good with all of that in your life for many years to come if you're hoping to get into a long term relationship with a person with kids.

As you're still in the window of "older but haven't given up on hope of having a family", I don't think you should make any rules about which single dads will likely be open to having more children. You'll have to figure out each guy's deal on a case by case basis.

• Unless we're talking about Nick Cannon, I don't think the number of children gives any indication of whether or not he's open to starting a new family.
  • Nick Cannon is apparently always open to this, so we're eliminating him.
  • Men who have children already are most likely to be super open with you about whether or not they'd consider having more. They are already down that path. They know damn well what they would be signing up for, so you shouldn't hesitate to ask them. They'll tell you.
  • IF one of those guys says yes to that question, you've got a perfect opportunity to find out what kind of parent he will be. If he's got the time and puts in the effort to be a good partner for YOU, and he demonstrates that he is a good parent to his children, you can make a bet that he'll continue to be a good parent to any children you share.

I guess it depends on the kids? For me love isn't about blood. I like to think unlike my friend I can absolutely love children I did not give birth to. I have friends who are more dear to me than some of my family, and I've considered adopting. I've seen some beautiful blended families. I've also seen where the stepparents work so hard and care for their stepkids, and they're still seen as the enemy. Sometimes you also get attached to one another, and the relationships among the adults don't work out. That must be painful. 

True. Most folks may be good with their two or three kids (or even one or none), but there are still men out there who don't mind having a large family. 

I really think the one thing I'm really set about is the guy has to be a good person. Everything else kind of depends. 

I used to really want a fairly tall man. I'm a tall woman who loves heels, but I don't even really care that much about that. There are shorter men who are incredibly sexy. He just can't mind if I'm taller than him in my favorite shoes. 

What are everyone's thoughts about smoking? Should I treat that like dating a man with children where it just depends? Or most smokers won't quit smoking? It's such an unhealthy habit, and I can't stand to be around the smell. My sister complains about her boyfriend's smoking. While he doesn't smoke around her, he does still regularly smoke. 

Edited March 1, 2023 by RealHousewife

[Annber03]

I couldn't date a smoker. I can't stand the smell, it gives me a headache, and I wouldn't want to live with someone who smokes and gets my stuff smelling like smoke as a result. I have friends that smoke, and they're pretty respectful about it around me or other non-smokers, which I appreciate...but even when they are smoking in my vicinity or in their own homes, at the end of the day, I don't have to live with them, you know? 

[RealHousewife]

1 minute ago, Annber03 said:

I couldn't date a smoker. I can't stand the smell, it gives me a headache, and I wouldn't want to live with someone who smokes and gets my stuff smelling like smoke as a result. I have friends that smoke, and they're pretty respectful about it around me or other non-smokers, which I appreciate...but even when they are smoking in my vicinity or in their own homes, at the end of the day, I don't have to live with them, you know? 

True. Thank you! I think my two dealbreakers are probably not being a good person and smoking.

Anything else important? I like a guy with a job, but I know sometimes you can be a worker who's just in between jobs. I like a guy who gets along with his mom, but I know some people have horrible parents. So everything else seems to just sort of depend . . .

[HerkyJerky]

https://news.yahoo.com/woman-threw-house-party-65-010000214.html

 

[Fable]

As a smoker, I came to realize, when I was dating, that it was best not to date nonsmokers.  Not because I think smoking is a great habit, but because I found it always to be a source of contention.  I know it can be offensive to many, so I am mindful of where and when I can smoke, but dating is another ballgame.  

[RealHousewife]

2 hours ago, HerkyJerky said:

https://news.yahoo.com/woman-threw-house-party-65-010000214.html

 

She more or less made herself the Bachelorette. lol I picture "can I steal you for a minute?"

1 hour ago, Fable said:

As a smoker, I came to realize, when I was dating, that it was best not to date nonsmokers.  Not because I think smoking is a great habit, but because I found it always to be a source of contention.  I know it can be offensive to many, so I am mindful of where and when I can smoke, but dating is another ballgame.  

I don't blame you. My sister is dating a smoker, and to me you do sign up to deal with the scent of smoke at the very least. She gets pissed. Not sure what she expected. It's like dating a single parent and getting angry you're not priority. 

[AgentRXS]

I’m allergic to cigarette smoke and I don’t want it around my son, so smoking is definitely a dealbreaker. 

[Lisa418722]

I'm allergic to cigarette smoke as well.  That is my biggest dealbreaker.  

[HerkyJerky]

All this talk about smoking reminds me of my worst date ever.  I knew this woman from the neighborhood but didn't know anything about her but she was cute and nice and friendly, so I thought why not?  I suggested going for drinks on the beach and she was nice enough to drive since my car a/c was out.  We get in her car and first thing she opens up her purse and says, "Oops, I don't have enough cigarettes for today, we'll have to go to the store and get more" But the thing was that I had looked and there were THREE packs of cigarettes in her purse.  So she asks do I mind if she smokes and while I was deciding if I give her a truthful answer or a polite answer she says, "Well, it doesn't matter.  I'm going to smoke anyway!"  As were driving, I noticed that she kept looking in the rearview mirror and just then she slams on the brakes and yells out the window, "GET OFF MY ASS, YOU REDNECK!" And here I am thinking this is going to be a fun day.  LOL!  We get to the beach and the parking is horrible as usual.  We're in the parking lot and we're just inching along looking for a spot and she throws up her hands and screams, "I CAN'T TAKE IT! I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!" But just then she spies a spot, pulls in and we head to the beach.  I'm thinking we might salvage this date after all by day drinking at the beach but after sullenly drinking her drink, she says "I just want to go home. " We drove home in silence and I never saw her again.

I know we've had a lot of internet horror stories but how about some in-person horror stories?  Can anyone beat that?

[Bastet]

6 hours ago, HerkyJerky said:

I know we've had a lot of internet horror stories but how about some in-person horror stories?  Can anyone beat that?

The guy I'd been on a few dates with in high school, who - on what quickly became our last date - upon experiencing a minor traffic error by a nearby driver, reached under the passenger seat and pulled out a gun!  The fuck?!  A) You have a gun.  Nope; deal breaker for me right there.  B) You pull a gun on people.  When mildly irritated, no less.  C) I have been unknowingly sitting on top of said gun every time we were in this car.  Fool, BYE.

[RealHousewife]

18 minutes ago, Bastet said:

The guy I'd been on a few dates with in high school, who - on what quickly became our last date - upon experiencing a minor traffic error by a nearby driver, reached under the passenger seat and pulled out a gun!  The fuck?!  A) You have a gun.  Nope; deal breaker for me right there.  B) You pull a gun on people.  When mildly irritated, no less.  C) I have been unknowingly sitting on top of said gun every time we were in this car.  Fool, BYE.

Oh my gosh! That's so frightening, I'm glad you made it out of that date safely. What a psycho. 

[oliviabenson]

When men over 45 tell me they have no kids I don’t believe them lol.

Smoking anything is a turn off.
 

I was texting with a guy who admitted to smoking 2 joints before work, 1 at lunch and a few after work. Yikes. I said bye boy. And he is 46 claiming no kids and lives with his grandparents. He said he has a job but I don’t believe that either. 

[StatisticalOutlier]

20 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

When men over 45 tell me they have no kids I don’t believe them lol.

Why not?  I know lots of men who are over 45 and don't have kids.

 

[partofme]

11 minutes ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

Why not?  I know lots of men who are over 45 and don't have kids.

 

My brother for one, but he lives with his gf, so hopefully isn't on any dating apps.

[theredhead77]

27 minutes ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

Why not?  I know lots of men who are over 45 and don't have kids.

 

Same. Two of them had a vasectomy when they crossed 40 because they didn't want kids and didn't want to risk an accidental pregnancy. And since they are men, they were able to have this medical procedure done in their 40s with no hassle from their doctor about maybe changing their minds when they meet the right woman.

[Mondrianyone]

49 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

And since they are men, they were able to have this medical procedure done in their 40s with no hassle from their doctor about maybe changing their minds when they meet the right woman.

And presumably didn't get pursued and incarcerated if they happened to go to another state to have that procedure done. Or get ratted out by their neighbor. You know, the usual.

[theredhead77]

2 hours ago, Mondrianyone said:

And presumably didn't get pursued and incarcerated if they happened to go to another state to have that procedure done. Or get ratted out by their neighbor. You know, the usual.

Nope. Nor were they asked if they had a wife or girlfriend that was OK with it, or told said partner (both were single) needed to come sign paperwork they were ok with the procedure. Yes, I asked them their experience. We're tight like that. Literally no questions about any partners or possibly desire for future children. 

[badhaggis]

On 3/8/2023 at 4:57 PM, theredhead77 said:

Nope. Nor were they asked if they had a wife or girlfriend that was OK with it, or told said partner (both were single) needed to come sign paperwork they were ok with the procedure. Yes, I asked them their experience. We're tight like that. Literally no questions about any partners or possibly desire for future children. 

When I was told my husband would need to sign paperwork before I was"allowed" to receive a tubal ligation it did not go over well.

I met my husband indirectly via online dating. He had been on match and met a friend of mine. He was saying he preferred match for finding more meaningful connections.

There used to be a singles hiking group here. It seemed like a good way to find someone with at least some of the same interests. That assumption was wrong I went once holy cow it was a meatmarket.

[theredhead77]

For those interested, there is a pretty active online dating subreddit.

[RealHousewife]

Can anyone explain why there are some attractive people with their choice of men/women, and they choose to date someone who isn’t that into them? Is it really simply the chase they like?

For me, the cuter you think I am, the cuter I’ll think you are. Lol

If a man’s type is short, muscular blondes, that ain’t me, and I’m okay with that. There are enough men who like taller, leaner brunettes out there. 

[AgentRXS]

Sounds like the thrill of the chase to me. 

[RealHousewife]

24 minutes ago, AgentRXS said:

Sounds like the thrill of the chase to me. 

That’s what I’ve wondered. I get there’s a thrill if you feel like a geek and get the cheerleader or you’re an ugly duckling who and think it’s cool to date that popular quarterback. It’s just bizarre when attractive adults still want to win over someone who’s just not that into them. 

[oliviabenson]

I don’t know if I posted this here: my friend got matched with a very attractive guy and she paid for 3 dates they had. Only to find out he is unemployed!

Maybe the good looking people are looking for free meals/dates? 

[RealHousewife]

13 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

I don’t know if I posted this here: my friend got matched with a very attractive guy and she paid for 3 dates they had. Only to find out he is unemployed!

Maybe the good looking people are looking for free meals/dates? 

Eek. How does she feel about the situation? Does she think the guy even has a genuine interest in her but can't afford to pay or that she's being used?

I see both sides when it comes to men paying for first dates and going dutch/splitting. I wouldn't like to pay for a man three dates in a row if we just started dating though. It wouldn't bother me later on if he were in between jobs or I made more money/he took care of kids or something like that. But just like straight on sugar mama? No, and I don't care how cute he is. W

[theredhead77]

14 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

I don’t know if I posted this here: my friend got matched with a very attractive guy and she paid for 3 dates they had. Only to find out he is unemployed!

Maybe the good looking people are looking for free meals/dates? 

Why did she pay for 3 dates? How did she not know he was unemployed until then? What did they talk about before meeting and on dates 1 and 2?! 

[oliviabenson]

He said he had a job and will pay her on his next pay day. Lol

Boy lied he has no job.

[RealHousewife]

Any single ladies here who are looking to meet men IRL, I highly recommend a social dance class. There are more women into dancing, but I am still getting hit on left and right, to the point it’s annoying actually. 

Great way for men to meet women too. Just please take it easy. It’s like the gym. Some women may not mind meeting singles there, but a lot of us just want to dance and not feel like we can’t attend class/socials without so and so pushing us to go out with them. 

[oliviabenson]

I can’t dance lol

[RealHousewife]

12 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

I can’t dance lol

A lot of people don’t when they begin class to learn. :)

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, oliviabenson said:

I can’t dance lol

That's why you go to a class. Meeting people is a byproduct of joining an activity you are interested in. 

[oliviabenson]

7 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

A lot of people don’t when they begin class to learn. :)

I have no musical ear/tone deaf. My dancing skills will make you laugh to tears.

[theredhead77]

2 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

I have no musical ear/tone deaf. My dancing skills will make you laugh to tears.

A good teacher and/or a good partner can teach anyone basic moves. Unless you despise dancing (one can enjoy it despite not being good at it), give it a shot. Based on what you've shared about your online dating experiences, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Worst case, you get out of the house for a few hours and tried something new.

[Browncoat]

On 3/21/2023 at 12:33 PM, oliviabenson said:

I can’t dance lol

It has been my experience that there are plenty of willing men to help you learn!

[JTMacc99]

17 hours ago, Browncoat said:

It has been my experience that there are plenty of willing men to help you learn!

True!

But some people don't feel it. Like they need to concentrate just to make sure they're clapping along with the beat of a song. No amount of help will ever make dancing fun if you have to think about it.

[oliviabenson]

texting with a new match from app:

Asked a guy oh what do you do? 
him: sell drugs. Lol. At least he was honest. He will be in my town next month, wants to meet. 
 

I mean why can’t I even find one normal guy?

[Bethany]

18 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

him: sell drugs. Lol. At least he was honest. He will be in my town next month, wants to meet. 

Long shot but could he be a pharmacist or a pharmaceutical salesman?

[oliviabenson]

38 minutes ago, Elizabeth Anne said:

Long shot but could he be a pharmacist or a pharmaceutical salesman?

No. He sells illegal substances lol

[oliviabenson]

It got better:

The drug guy asked me for $!

And he was telling me until we meet he is seeing a girl. Do I want videos of them sleeping together?!

No thanks buddy. 

[oliviabenson]

I wish I could post the nasty things men text me. I am so over the apps!

[oliviabenson]

I think I can share these. They are not too bad. 
 

guy 1

Guy 2

[oliviabenson]

Seriously: any nice, decent guys left? Ones who want to meet and not send me nudes and ask to come over for a play date (wink wink). 
 

I feel like a free escort!

 

And how is it ok to demand seks acts??? 
 

I don’t want to be fed then made to viomit on his genitals!!! Or pee on him. What the???

[oliviabenson]

I got banned from 2 dating apps. No reason was given. Lol

i got traumatized by men and then my account gets deleted.

 

Oh well.