Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[Leeds]

On 8/28/2022 at 2:35 PM, Cloud9Shopper said:

I feel like I’d be more likely to regret not going to a Thanksgiving or Christmas celebration (and to be honest, Christmas has just felt stressful as an adult anyway; I am trying to cut back on gifting in a way that I can stress less and everyone is happy), or a wedding (when my sisters got married) than a non-milestone birthday party. Hell I even sometimes wish my mother hadn’t let me skip my grandfather’s funeral when I was a teenager. Of course maybe I’ll feel differently down the road but for right now, I’m not saying “what a shame that I missed out on someone’s 58th birthday.” 

Have you thought about making a charitable donation instead of tangible gifts?  You could make just one in everybody's name or individual ones.  Depending on the charity, they will probably provide you with thank you cards or send them out themselves.  If your family members are unhappy about your choice, hopefully one day they might come to realize that they are ungrateful dicks, but in the meantime you will have nothing to feel bad or stressed about.  The amount you choose to donate is up to you, and between you and the organization.

[mostlylurking]

Family-ish….I have a daughter who is super attached to me and has a ton of separation anxiety.  Naturally this makes me feel like shit. Today was just a breaking point and I called a friend to vent and the first thing she tells me is maybe I should have her see a doctor or phycologist.  I am not opposed to doing this in the slightest, in fact I have told her pediatrician about her social anxiety and asked her teachers if they think it’s abnormal and they’ve told me it’s perfectly fine, some kids are more reserved. My problem is this lady has a child who is out of control, will literally walk up to people and scream in their face, throws shit directly at peoples heads, not very verbal etc. I’ve told my husband I think it’s possible he’s on the spectrum but NEVER would I say that to her. It just felt very judgey because her kids are so quick to leave her side, they will even run into the path of oncoming cars (that’s actually happened). So for her to say my kid should see a doctor just felt off. Ugh. Anyway. Just venting I suppose. It’s been a day. 

[GeeGolly]

I think its often by trial and error, but we can learn who to turn to, and more importantly, who not to turn to for support in certain situations. Most have family and friends who are fixers, minimizers, catastrophizers, listeners, 'experts', etc.

With me and my dad, for example, I learned not to go to him first when I had a problem and I was looking for validation. My dad would minimize anything I was going through because it made him feel better. He didn't want me to suffer, so he thought minimization was a good thing, for both of us.

But regardless of the situation, if we're feeling judged we can remind ourselves that the judgement is a reflection of the judger, not the person being judged.

[PRgal]

So my dad took my son out yesterday and kiddo was riding his tricycle. No helmet.  I told my dad that kiddo shouldn't be on it without one, and dad said that he was really slow and it was a tricycle, not a bike (where he would definitely be required to wear one.  It's a bit fuzzy when it comes to tricycles in Ontario...at least from what I can find).  And he got upset at me for even bringing it up.  I bought him a helmet for a reason.  I know I need to set better boundaries, but I don't know how to do it without either parent going on a hissy fit.

[Mindthinkr]

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

I know I need to set better boundaries, but I don't know how to do it without either parent going on a hissy fit.

Hissy fit or not it is up to you to set the boundaries. Would your husband be willing to help you do this? They might not have as much pull with him. Helmets are worn to protect children from unexpected and unintended mishaps. It’s going to be hard for you because they have installed a very deep guilt button, but it’s up to you to turn it off. I sincerely wish you the best with this (and their thoughts on what he is eating, his education etc). They had their chance raising you. He is your son. Your rules. 

[theredhead77]

The sooner your son grows accustomed to wearing a helmet the better. It isn't just the speed of the fall but the type of the fall. If there was a freak accident that resulted in your son falling and really injuring himself would your dad want to spend the rest of his life regretting not putting a helmet on his grandson? It's time to flip that guilt card. 

It's also important to ensure your son knows that wearing a helmet is required by *mom and dad* and that their safety rules trump grandparents rules, every time.

[PRgal]

41 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

The sooner your son grows accustomed to wearing a helmet the better. It isn't just the speed of the fall but the type of the fall. If there was a freak accident that resulted in your son falling and really injuring himself would your dad want to spend the rest of his life regretting not putting a helmet on his grandson? It's time to flip that guilt card. 

It's also important to ensure your son knows that wearing a helmet is required by *mom and dad* and that their safety rules trump grandparents rules, every time.

My dad basically said that then it should be my job to teach him how to ride a bike.  Well, he's also not giving me the opportunity.  My parents are very involved with helping us out.  I also can't tell my parents they can't see him at all.   

[GeeGolly]

5 minutes ago, PRgal said:

My dad basically said that then it should be my job to teach him how to ride a bike.  Well, he's also not giving me the opportunity.  My parents are very involved with helping us out.  I also can't tell my parents they can't see him at all.   

Do you know why it is your dad objects? Is it a pain in the ass, is it seen as too coddling, is it because you never needed one? Maybe validate his reasoning and remind him parenting now comes with some extra hoops to jump through.

Also, would it be possible to get you son excited about his helmet, so he wants to wear it, so he'll put it on?

Hugs to you in having to manage this fine line!

[SoMuchTV]

3 hours ago, PRgal said:

It's a bit fuzzy when it comes to tricycles in Ontario...at least from what I can find).  And he got upset at me for even bringing it up.  I bought him a helmet for a reason.  I know I need to set better boundaries, but I don't know how to do it without either parent going on a hissy fit.

Well I'm learning something new today.  I have grandkids in the tricycle age range, and it never would have occurred to me that they would need a helmet. (And I was the mom in the '90s who made her kids wear bike helmets even if their friends didn't!)   I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have gotten upset or thrown a hissy fit if the tricycle helmet thing was pointed out to me, but I might have silently rolled my eyes.  Now I know not to do that!

Edited August 31, 2022 by SoMuchTV

[PRgal]

8 minutes ago, GeeGolly said:

Do you know why it is your dad objects? Is it a pain in the ass, is it seen as too coddling, is it because you never needed one? Maybe validate his reasoning and remind him parenting now comes with some extra hoops to jump through.

Also, would it be possible to get you son excited about his helmet, so he wants to wear it, so he'll put it on?

Hugs to you in having to manage this fine line!

The kid doesn't really care, to be honest (the helmet has dinosaurs!!!  He loves dinosaurs (and cars)!).  I actually don't know why, other than my dad telling me he's going very slowly.  We live downtown, in a busy, kind of touristy area of Toronto, so it's not like he won't bump into pedestrians.  My parents think I have special needs (I DO have epilepsy and a genetic condition called neurofibromatosis, but I really don't consider myself "disabled" or "special needs") and they were really against me becoming a parent.  They gave into that.  I think they didn't want me to get married, either.  In their ideal world, I'd be living with them in THEIR condo, even if I had a job.  Basically, I think they want me to stay 23 years old - you know, that kid fresh out of undergrad, working her first job but can't afford to live on her own.

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

My dad basically said that then it should be my job to teach him how to ride a bike.  Well, he's also not giving me the opportunity.  My parents are very involved with helping us out.

Boundaries. Perhaps family therapy, or reading "Co-Dependant No More" can help you establish them.

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

I also can't tell my parents they can't see him at all.   

Sure you can. "Mom, Dad, I love you and [son loves you] but until you respect our parenting choices we will be limiting contact. And then stick to it. You are a grown-ass woman. Every culture has it's "over-bearing parent" stereotypes. Your parents seem to be playing into it. But until you establish those boundaries the cycle will repeat just like the song that never ends.

[PRgal]

I think my parents FINALLY understand my disordered eating issue.  All this time, my dad thought I was HUNGRY when I was constantly helping myself to food when in reality, his encouraging me to eat made me feel guilty to turn it down.  I basically only turned food down if I felt full (I have had the inability to feel full as quickly since my recovery from Covid) or if I can't eat it for health reasons (or meat on Fridays during Lent).  Encouraging is a form of enabling and I even told him that.  It also turned out that neither he nor my mom knew what "enabling" meant.  I had to explain that it was like offering alcohol to an alcoholic.  Even then, my dad thought offering alcohol was seen as a way to challenge the recovering alcoholic to turn it down (!!!).  I'm glad I'm not going to Hong Kong any time in the near future.  It'll be even tougher to explain that to my extended family.  

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 8/30/2022 at 8:44 AM, Leeds said:

Have you thought about making a charitable donation instead of tangible gifts?  You could make just one in everybody's name or individual ones.  ... If your family members are unhappy about your choice, hopefully one day they might come to realize that they are ungrateful dicks,

I'm guessing you've never had a donation made in your name and address to a "charitable" organization you find repellent, mendacious, and dangerous.  It puts the recipient in a terrible position, like being called an ungrateful dick because they don't want to be any part of it and definitely don't want to financially support it, even indirectly.

[Mindthinkr]

Have you ever looked into Heifer International? I’ve bought beehives (plus the teaching of how to keep one) and flocks of chickens. They also have options for impoverished areas in the U.S. 

[theredhead77]

6 minutes ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

I'm guessing you've never had a donation made in your name and address to a "charitable" organization you find repellent, mendacious, and dangerous.  It puts the recipient in a terrible position, like being called an ungrateful dick because they don't want to be any part of it and definitely don't want to financially support it, even indirectly.

If the giver is doing it with good intentions and giving to a non-political, humanity based organization, the recipient would be a dick for having a problem with an organization like World Central Kitchen, or Habitat for Humanity. 

[Mindthinkr]

World Central Kitchen…excellent idea ❤️

[StatisticalOutlier]

15 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

If the giver is doing it with good intentions and giving to a non-political, humanity based organization, the recipient would be a dick for having a problem with an organization like World Central Kitchen, or Habitat for Humanity. 

You'd think. 

Then again, the donation I objected to would be considered by some recipients the most thoughtful gift in the world.  The thing is, it really would be thoughtful because it was given with that particular person in mind. 

And Habitat for Humanity is an avowedly Christian organization, so it might not be an organization an atheist would choose to give money to. 

This discussion was prompted by someone who wanted to cut back on Christmas giving because of the stress, and still make everyone happy.  The ironic thing is that whenever gift-giving comes up, soooo many people say they wish their family would get off the gift-giving train, so stopping the gifting would make people happy.  It's a shame it's so rare that someone has the balls to pull the plug.

Instead of cutting this thing off at the head, we fashion workarounds.  Gift cards, charitable donations in others' names.  I get it--it's easy (although not simple, as I've tried to illustrate).  But how much of this would go on if it weren't obligatory?

In my perfect world (adults--not kids, who want want want and should get get get), there would never be an occasion where a gift is expected, and gifts are never given for any reason other than, "I think X would love this" and X is surprised to get it.  "Oh, for me?" 

[PRgal]

19 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

I'm guessing you've never had a donation made in your name and address to a "charitable" organization you find repellent, mendacious, and dangerous.  It puts the recipient in a terrible position, like being called an ungrateful dick because they don't want to be any part of it and definitely don't want to financially support it, even indirectly.

We had the option of donating to the Children's Book Bank for my son's 100 Day celebration almost four years ago.  We still mostly got cash gifts, especially from the Boomer Chinese side (my husband's side was much more likely to donate).  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that they didn't quite understand what we were doing!

[theredhead77]

I'm petty enough to donate in someone's name to an organization they'd object to, just to piss them off. However, never in a million years would I consider H4H or WCK to be organizations under that umbrella. Religious affiliation or not.

[PRgal]

37 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

I'm petty enough to donate in someone's name to an organization they'd object to, just to piss them off. However, never in a million years would I consider H4H or WCK to be organizations under that umbrella. Religious affiliation or not.

Though if they're super-religious a la Chick-fil-A, then MAYBE one might want to think about it.  But that's just me.

[Bethany]

Christmas is always a balancing act in our family.  My son and daughter both married people who have divorced parents which means they each have two families to please plus us.  So fun times in terms of trying to plan a way for all of us to get together at the same time.  Up to this year I've been a good sport and said to them "you guys figure it out and we'll make something work".  So this year my son's in-laws have booked every week-end in the run up to Christmas in December for something or another and the mother's family wants to do a traditional reveillon (Christmas Eve and basically all night) so her father is demanding they get Christmas Day.  

We were going to get them Boxing Day for our whole family get together and now he just phoned to say that they have something with the mother's family that day too.  I am not happy about this and I told him so.  

I think we're paying the price for not rocking the boat in the past.  But I've made it clear to my son that I am not prepared to celebrate Christmas with my kids in January.  The ball is now in his court to figure something out. 

[Jane Tuesday]

7 hours ago, Elizabeth Anne said:

The ball is now in his court to figure something out.

Good for you, @Elizabeth Anne. I wonder if your son is even telling his MIL that you already have Boxing Day plans? Or if he's trying to not make waves? Sounds like his wife needs to tell her parents, "since it was important to you to have Christmas Eve, his parents moved their plans to the 26th to accommodate that. So we're not going to be available." Unless they're complete assholes, they shouldn't mind. (And if they are complete assholes, your son and DIL should stop trying to make them happy.)

Edited November 23, 2022 by Jane Tuesday

[PRgal]

Funny how you talk about Boxing Day being with family, @Elizabeth Anne.  I’m in Toronto and in Canada, it’s basically Black Friday.  

[Bastet]

9 hours ago, Elizabeth Anne said:

We were going to get them Boxing Day for our whole family get together and now he just phoned to say that they have something with the mother's family that day too.  I am not happy about this and I told him so.  

Good for you -- I can't believe he thought that was going to be okay.

[RealHousewife]

My sister's jealousy and insecurity continue to annoy me. I am kind to all her friends, but she is weird about the friends I have ever joining us for group hangouts. I feel like she wants me to tang along into her life, but she doesn't make an effort to be part of mine. I've forgiving if a friend of hers is less than perfection, but she will hold on to petty reasons to not want to be around my friends. The truth is she doesn't like for my friends to be around her boyfriend (who's always around) because she gets threatened. (She's admitted this before, but now wants to pretend it's them as people.) He isn't perfect, but he doesn't even have a wandering eye. And obviously my friends aren't the least bit interested in her man, but they are attractive women. I guess I'm only allowed to have ugly friends or something, so stupid. I know most of us can get jealous, but she is just next level. 

Edited November 25, 2022 by RealHousewife

[Bethany]

Update on my family Christmas.  My son and his wife must have had a come to jesus moment because the original plan of all of us getting together Boxing Day is back on and my husband and I have now been invited over for dinner Sunday night to see them light the Xmas tree for the start of the Christmas season.  

Lesson learned for me.  Being too easy going means you get pushed around (in the nicest possible way, but still pushed around).  

[Leeds]

If you don't like stories from people feeling sorry for themselves, please skip ahead!

Some years ago, my child (now in their mid-twenties) "came out" as non-binary, ie, they do not identify as either male or female.  I can honestly say I have zero problems with this, their sexuality, their haircut (!), etc.

What I do have a problem with is them referring to the name they went by for twenty odd years as their "dead name".  The name their father and I gave them is one that is undoubtedly very gender specific, so I understand the desire/need to change it, but to call it a dead name seems like a rejection and denial of a whole period of life and therefore everyone associated with it.  Why can't it just be referred to as their "former name".  Isn't it easy enough to say "I changed my name to/I go by xxx now?

So, yes, feeling sorry for myself, and thanks for providing a space to wallow.

[PRgal]

4 hours ago, Leeds said:

If you don't like stories from people feeling sorry for themselves, please skip ahead!

Some years ago, my child (now in their mid-twenties) "came out" as non-binary, ie, they do not identify as either male or female.  I can honestly say I have zero problems with this, their sexuality, their haircut (!), etc.

What I do have a problem with is them referring to the name they went by for twenty odd years as their "dead name".  The name their father and I gave them is one that is undoubtedly very gender specific, so I understand the desire/need to change it, but to call it a dead name seems like a rejection and denial of a whole period of life and therefore everyone associated with it.  Why can't it just be referred to as their "former name".  Isn't it easy enough to say "I changed my name to/I go by xxx now?

So, yes, feeling sorry for myself, and thanks for providing a space to wallow.

They’re probably just going with the term that everyone in the community uses.  Yes, I agree, it should be former name or birth name (I legally changed my name from a nickname/shortened name to the full version when I was 21, just so I could have it on my university diploma.  The school told me they would not use the name I was going with unless it was legal), but that’s not what they call it.  

[KittyMom4]

10 hours ago, Leeds said:

What I do have a problem with is them referring to the name they went by for twenty odd years as their "dead name".  The name their father and I gave them is one that is undoubtedly very gender specific, so I understand the desire/need to change it, but to call it a dead name seems like a rejection and denial of a whole period of life and therefore everyone associated with it.  Why can't it just be referred to as their "former name".  Isn't it easy enough to say "I changed my name to/I go by xxx now?

So, yes, feeling sorry for myself, and thanks for providing a space to wallow.

I feel your pain, albeit in a slightly different context. My oldest daughter was given a nickname in high school based on her initials, and while I don't mind the nickname and don't care that her husband and 90% of her friends call her that name, I still refer to her by her given name. Her husband made a point to tell me one day that I am the ONLY one who refers to her that way as if that was a bad thing. I reminded him that I was there when she was born, back labor and all, and the name I put on her birth certificate is the name I will continue to use. 

[mostlylurking]

Everyone, what do you do with back handed compliments? I’ve always been the type to overdress, and by overdress I mean just wearing actual clothes that are not workout wear.  I also like to put a little makeup on.  I don’t go crazy, it’s not like I’m wearing a cocktail dress to do my food shopping.  My entire morning routine probably takes a half hour including showering.  The other day I saw two friends that I hadn’t seen in a while.  I was wearing a little lipstick and just a regular loose blouse over jeans.  They both stared and were like “where are YOU going all dressed up??”  Then just sat there staring.  I answered truthfully (grocery store, ha) and they looked almost as if I had offended them.

I don’t care or comment on what other people wear.  If a person feels comfortable wearing sweats and no makeup every day, go for it.  I personally don’t feel good about myself wearing things like that on a regular basis, and it doesn’t take me anymore time to just put on regular clothes.  I try and compliment people regularly (actual compliments, not backhanded). This bothers me because these are two close friends.

What would you say or do in this situation?

[Leeds]

7 minutes ago, mostlylurking said:

Everyone, what do you do with back handed compliments? I’ve always been the type to overdress, and by overdress I mean just wearing actual clothes that are not workout wear.  I also like to put a little makeup on.  I don’t go crazy, it’s not like I’m wearing a cocktail dress to do my food shopping.  My entire morning routine probably takes a half hour including showering.  The other day I saw two friends that I hadn’t seen in a while.  I was wearing a little lipstick and just a regular loose blouse over jeans.  They both stared and were like “where are YOU going all dressed up??”  Then just sat there staring.  I answered truthfully (grocery store, ha) and they looked almost as if I had offended them.

I don’t care or comment on what other people wear.  If a person feels comfortable wearing sweats and no makeup every day, go for it.  I personally don’t feel good about myself wearing things like that on a regular basis, and it doesn’t take me anymore time to just put on regular clothes.  I try and compliment people regularly (actual compliments, not backhanded). This bothers me because these are two close friends.

What would you say or do in this situation?

I'd probably say something like "Jeans and a blouse is overdressed these days?" or even, "How is this 'overdressed?'"

[PRgal]

31 minutes ago, mostlylurking said:

Everyone, what do you do with back handed compliments? I’ve always been the type to overdress, and by overdress I mean just wearing actual clothes that are not workout wear.  I also like to put a little makeup on.  I don’t go crazy, it’s not like I’m wearing a cocktail dress to do my food shopping.  My entire morning routine probably takes a half hour including showering.  The other day I saw two friends that I hadn’t seen in a while.  I was wearing a little lipstick and just a regular loose blouse over jeans.  They both stared and were like “where are YOU going all dressed up??”  Then just sat there staring.  I answered truthfully (grocery store, ha) and they looked almost as if I had offended them.

I don’t care or comment on what other people wear.  If a person feels comfortable wearing sweats and no makeup every day, go for it.  I personally don’t feel good about myself wearing things like that on a regular basis, and it doesn’t take me anymore time to just put on regular clothes.  I try and compliment people regularly (actual compliments, not backhanded). This bothers me because these are two close friends.

What would you say or do in this situation?

You can always be b*tchy and remind them that it's how you've always dressed.  

[Bethany]

30 minutes ago, Leeds said:

I'd probably say something like "Jeans and a blouse is overdressed these days?" or even, "How is this 'overdressed?'"

Honestly!  This is my go to wear when I leave the house.  I basically have two "looks".  Around the house it's sweats and oversized Tee shirts, when I go out the door it's jeans and a blouse or sweater.  Dressed up to me is a skirt or dress and that happens on extremely rare occasions!

@mostlylurking I wonder what were your friends wearing when they said this to you?  I guess I am wondering what is their comfort level in terms of what they wear to meet up with friends out in public?  

[stewedsquash]

You say nothing and go on about your day. 

[RealHousewife]

2 hours ago, mostlylurking said:

Everyone, what do you do with back handed compliments? I’ve always been the type to overdress, and by overdress I mean just wearing actual clothes that are not workout wear.  I also like to put a little makeup on.  I don’t go crazy, it’s not like I’m wearing a cocktail dress to do my food shopping.  My entire morning routine probably takes a half hour including showering.  The other day I saw two friends that I hadn’t seen in a while.  I was wearing a little lipstick and just a regular loose blouse over jeans.  They both stared and were like “where are YOU going all dressed up??”  Then just sat there staring.  I answered truthfully (grocery store, ha) and they looked almost as if I had offended them.

I don’t care or comment on what other people wear.  If a person feels comfortable wearing sweats and no makeup every day, go for it.  I personally don’t feel good about myself wearing things like that on a regular basis, and it doesn’t take me anymore time to just put on regular clothes.  I try and compliment people regularly (actual compliments, not backhanded). This bothers me because these are two close friends.

What would you say or do in this situation?

I’m also somewhat of an “overdresser” unless I’m in workout wear, then you might catch me in baggy workout tops and pants at the grocery store. My preference though is to look nice, and I love dresses. I never get why dresses are thought to be going out only attire by some folks when it takes less time than matching a top to a bottom. 

My friends are used to me dressing the way I do. I’ll occasionally get “you look too nice to be shopping here” or “where are you going?” Like you, it’s not like I wear cocktail dresses, just casual dresses or a cute top/jeans and maybe heels. 

Most people are sweet and complimentary about my style. There is the occasional person I think might be a little rude, I just say I love clothes and try not to let them get to me. 

[oliviabenson]

I always wanted a dad and to know:understand what it’s like to grow up around a man. I will never get over not having a dad…

[supposebly]

@mostlylurking, you should send your friends to any larger city in Europe if they think jeans on a regular day is overdressed. My sister in Germany barely ever wears jeans except when she visits me in Canada.

[emma675]

1 minute ago, supposebly said:

@mostlylurking, you should send your friends to any larger city in Europe if they think jeans on a regular day is overdressed. My sister in Germany barely ever wears jeans except when she visits me in Canada.

Forgive my ignorance, but what do they wear on a regular day? 

[supposebly]

Just not jeans. Other types of pants, skirts, dresses. Just not jeans. I should add that this is something that seems to have developed in the last 10 years or so for her. But sweat pants is NOT outdoor wear. 

Edited December 6, 2022 by supposebly

[mostlylurking]

1 hour ago, supposebly said:

mostlylurking, you should send your friends to any larger city in Europe if they think jeans on a regular day is overdressed. My sister in Germany barely ever wears jeans except when she visits me in Canada.

I’m a first generation American but my parents and grandparents were immigrants from Europe and that might have something to do with it.  They never had a lot of money but always looked presentable, which honestly isn’t that hard to do.

8 hours ago, Elizabeth Anne said:

I wonder what were your friends wearing when they said this to you?  I guess I am wondering what is their comfort level in terms of what they wear to meet up with friends out in public?  

1 hour ago, emma675 said:

Forgive my ignorance, but what do they wear on a regular day? 

They mostly wear workout gear, sweat pants, messy hair, no makeup.  Maybe it makes them feel bad about themselves, which is ridiculous.  I would never say anything about their appearance because number one it’s rude and number two I don’t care.  I make sure to get up before my daughter so I have time to get my shit together before she wakes up and the tornado of the day starts.  It’s not like some miracle that I’m able to put on actual clothes, millions of people do it every day.

Thanks for letting me vent!!

[Jaded]

1 hour ago, oliviabenson said:

I always wanted a dad and to know:understand what it’s like to grow up around a man. I will never get over not having a dad…

I always wanted a Dad too since mine was an abusive asshole.  Now I'm more ok with not having one then I thought I'd ever be. When I talk about mine with people I know I just say Asshole and they know who I mean. I haven't seen him since the early to mid 90's before I made it to my teenage years. In terms of men I grew up with who were my Mom's two brothers neither of them were people with behavior I'd want a young person to think they needed or should tolerate in their lives. One of them had alcohol/drug issues that he died from in his 40's and the other physically assaulted my Mom because he was mad that she was doing what my Nana wanted which was to be taken care of at home. 

So while I always wanted an actual Dad, the men who were related to me in my life who I grew up around made me not care about having a relationship with any man for a long long long time. As I got older I was thankful that my Mom and Nana were such strong and independent women so I learned young that a man wasn't an essential thing women needed in life to live fulfilling lives and to travel. When my Mom wasn't as sick we'd travel a lot so when we'd tell people it was just us there were women and men that were horrified that we weren't traveling with a man. I think if my Mom and Nana hadn't been the way they were I probably would have ended up thinking I needed a man to be whole and then would've proceed to pick a lot of wrong ones due to my past.

[Leeds]

8 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I’m also somewhat of an “overdresser” unless I’m in workout wear, then you might catch me in baggy workout tops and pants at the grocery store. My preference though is to look nice, and I love dresses. I never get why dresses are thought to be going out only attire by some folks when it takes less time than matching a top to a bottom. 

My friends are used to me dressing the way I do. I’ll occasionally get “you look too nice to be shopping here” or “where are you going?” Like you, it’s not like I wear cocktail dresses, just casual dresses or a cute top/jeans and maybe heels. 

My (grown) kids think I'm nuts because I wear a dress when I fly rather than their favoured jeans.  Honestly, a cute/pretty knee-length tunic over soft leggings with a comfy, non-constricting waistband is the way to go.  (A side benefit is that if you are pleasant to the flight attendants from boarding onwards, they will tend to remember you over the ubiquitous jeans/track suit bottoms/sweats-clad passengers, and will treat you well, or as well as they can these days.)

3 hours ago, supposebly said:

Just not jeans. Other types of pants, skirts, dresses. Just not jeans. I should add that this is something that seems to have developed in the last 10 years or so for her. But sweat pants is NOT outdoor wear. 

Anyone wondering how European men dress in a casual situation might enjoy this clip from The Graham Norton Show.

https://leosigh.com/gay-european-graham-norton-wants-know-video/

Edited December 6, 2022 by Leeds

[Blergh]

OK, I usually get along with one of my cousins but she does sometimes think she knows better how I should live my life than I do.

The other day, she asked if I planned to get a Christmas tree and I replied, 'No, too dusty!' ( I have recurring asthma triggered by dust).

Immediately she went on a lengthy tear about how I should water the tree down, get a new artificial tree,etc.

Yes, it would be nice to have a Christmas tree but you know what's nicer? Not having an asthma attack that I have to go to the clinic/ER  to stop the attack when the inhalator doesn't do the trick!

Edited December 17, 2022 by Blergh

[Mindthinkr]

4 hours ago, Blergh said:

Yes, it would be nice to have a Christmas tree but you know what's nicer? Not having an asthma attack that I have to go to the clinic/ER  to stop when the inhalator doesn't do the trick!

I think the last thing you need is a trip to the ER around Christmas. Around here they are understaffed, don’t have enough beds, very long waiting times, and are full of patients with the flu, RSV, and Covid. It’s a shame she does not have empathy for your situation. She probably meant well, but sometimes relatives can’t help but put their two cents in. I wouldn’t take the risk. 

[Blergh]

Don't worry, I'm not. I don't want to put Mama through that worry again (and, working in a hospital lab, I know all about how packed the ER is- and BTW she also  works in a hospital back in her hometown).

Oh, and something else annoying happened. We were all at a restaurant and, some minutes after the bill arrived and finally got paid, I asked if everyone was ready. She immediately stage-whispered to me that Mama had a little wine left in her glass (that she hadn't touched all this time). I just ignored her and asked the question again a bit louder  and, yes, this time everyone heard me in the somewhat loud eating establishment and agreed that we were all ready to leave. But it was all I could do not to tell her that I had a perfect right to ASK that question to everyone in our party (which any member of said party, including Mama and the cousin, could have vetoed) and Mama is the only mother I have who can tell me what to do- NOT her (and she's roughly my age)!

Yes, I recognize that all the above are trifling complaints and first world problems compared to many of the nightmarish childhood and/or lifelong scenarios detailed in this SubForum but I felt like venting a bit.

[Scatterbrained]

On 8/30/2022 at 7:04 PM, mostlylurking said:

Family-ish….I have a daughter who is super attached to me and has a ton of separation anxiety.  Naturally this makes me feel like shit. Today was just a breaking point and I called a friend to vent and the first thing she tells me is maybe I should have her see a doctor or phycologist.  I am not opposed to doing this in the slightest, in fact I have told her pediatrician about her social anxiety and asked her teachers if they think it’s abnormal and they’ve told me it’s perfectly fine, some kids are more reserved. My problem is this lady has a child who is out of control, will literally walk up to people and scream in their face, throws shit directly at peoples heads, not very verbal etc. I’ve told my husband I think it’s possible he’s on the spectrum but NEVER would I say that to her. It just felt very judgey because her kids are so quick to leave her side, they will even run into the path of oncoming cars (that’s actually happened). So for her to say my kid should see a doctor just felt off. Ugh. Anyway. Just venting I suppose. It’s been a day. 

Dr. sears high needs

I wonder if your dd is a high needs kid?

both of mine were/are.  I would try to tell people I was exhausted because they ALWAYS wanted to be held, and people would look at me as if I were stupid and crazy and say, “well, babies DO want to be held!” which is true, but not like mine!

Edited December 17, 2022 by Scatterbrained

[Jaded]

On 12/17/2022 at 1:43 AM, Blergh said:

OK, I usually get along with one of my cousins but she does sometimes think she knows better how I should live my life than I do.

The other day, she asked if I planned to get a Christmas tree and I replied, 'No, too dusty!' ( I have recurring asthma triggered by dust).

Immediately she went on a lengthy tear about how I should water the tree down, get a new artificial tree,etc.

People put way too much emphasis on dang Xmas trees during the holidays going so far as to not care about why whoever doesn't have/want a tree. I'm in a support group online where a woman was going on about her MIL who lost her husband the FIL a few months ago. The wife was mad that the husband wanted them all to spend some time at his Mom's house on Xmas and the main reason she gave at first was because MIL didn't have a tree. She said how she has her own traditions during the holidays and going to the MIL's would make the kids sad/confused because of no tree being there. After getting a lot of answers she didn't like that were telling her she was making to big of a deal over the tree thing the next reason she gave was MIL stresses her out.

I told the woman before she said later that MIL stressed her out that  if she was that concerned about a tree to try to find a fake pre-decorated one to take with them to set up there. My real thought was they could go there for a short visit, explain to the kids that Grandma didn't have a tree because she was sad about losing their Grandfather if they asked and to tell them that just being there to visit would make her feel a little belter. Some other people told the wife that Grandma might not have much time left either and that she could just let her husband go there with the kids.  That made the wife mad too. It was just a sad situation to read about all around.
 

[Bastet]

14 hours ago, Jaded said:

Some other people told the wife that Grandma might not have much time left either and that she could just let her husband go there with the kids.

Exactly; this isn't the family's only Christmas celebration that day, the husband merely asked that they go spend some of that time with his mom.  If the wife is really that unhappy there, she can spare everyone and stay home, since she'll still have plenty of holiday time with her husband and kids.  But, really, unless Grandma is dreadful, suck it up for a couple of hours for someone who's newly widowed on a day she can't escape repeatedly hearing "is a time for family".

Edited December 19, 2022 by Bastet

[Bethany]

14 hours ago, Jaded said:

That made the wife mad too.

Sounds like the classic person who claims they want advice but really all they want is everyone out there to pat them on the back and say "poor baby how you suffer".   

[PRgal]

We often have dinner with my parents, but they were out of the country for the past couple of weeks and kiddo absolutely refused to sit with us at dinner.  Instead, he wanted to eat in his playroom, where our Echo is.  Just in case the grandparents call, I guess.

NOTE:  I HATE THE ECHO - the video often lags.  Facetime and Zoom are so much better (I hate Teams).