Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[CrazyInAlabama]

My rules are, no move in without a written lease.     In a time of eviction moratoriums, I wouldn't let 99% of the people I know stay for a weekend.       If you rent to someone, no breaks on payments, or late payments, or rent below market.   Also, if you get someone else's mail at your residence, take it to the post office, and tell them the person doesn't live there.   They will take care of it, and it prevents someone from claiming tenancy because they're receiving mail at your house.   

[BookWoman56]

I don’t think it will be a major problem to get them out; they definitely want their own place and have finally overcome some obstacles to doing so. The timing might be more of an issue, but they’re going later this week to meet with a realtor some 4-5 hours away, which is fine by me. But I knew if I didn’t give them a deadline, they would procrastinate like crazy. I do have some goodwill left for my sister because she helped a lot when our mother needed full-time care. For my BIL, not at all. 
 

I will need to wait until my daughter finishes her master’s degree before moving. I understand I might get a higher price if I sell right now, but it would be pointless to buy another house right now just for roughly 18 months and then have to turn around and move. I would also probably end up paying an inflated price for a different house right now, and possibly not be able to recoup the price in 18 months. Rental houses are hard to find at the moment, plus I have 2 dogs and 2 cats, which just makes finding anything more challenging. So once my sister and BIL are gone, I can focus on some small repair projects and getting my current house prepped to sell quickly once I put it on the market. 
 

I’ll be fine in a couple of months, just ready for a return to normalcy. 

[Bastet]

I'm back already ... In the ten days since her mom died, my best friend has had to put two of her dogs to sleep (she has one remaining, down from four dogs and a cat), about 36 hours apart from each other.  Can you even imagine?!  Both were older than the typical lifespan for their size, with health problems, but both deaths were necessitated by acute medical crises, so while not out of the blue, it happening right now and right on top of each other was unexpected.

I have family where she lives, so I'm thinking of going up to see them next weekend (I can't go this weekend), and telling her "I'm at [cousin's] for the weekend.  You don't have to see me if you're not up for it, but if you are I'm nearby."  It's about three hours away, and I usually stay with her for the weekend (and just go see my family for half a day) when I visit, so I think she's going to feel like she can't ask me to come up until she's ready for me to stay, which is too much right now.  But if I tell her I'm just on the other side of town, she'd know she could spend a short time with me, but if she's not up for it, that's fine, because I didn't come up there only for her.

At this point, I would drive up, hug her, and drive back home if that's all she could handle.  I don't know how she's even still standing.

[Mindthinkr]

You sound like a very good and considerate friend @Bastet

I can’t imagine all the loss she is dealing with. I’m sorry about her Mom and then her two dogs. That’s a harsh blow. 

[mostlylurking]

Today I found out that this weekend I will be attending a family party and three people there will not be Covid vaccinated (out of approx 15). I don’t care for myself because I am vaccinated but I have a five year old who obviously isn’t vaccinated and he is immunocompromised. What should I do or say?  It is not an option not to attend. I totally understand that it is every individuals right to make whatever choice they think is good for them, but I worry for my son.  Right now my plan is to just stay away from them as much as possible.  Thoughts??

[Mindthinkr]

Can your son wear a mask? Just tell anyone who is uncomfortable with it the truth. That he is immunocompromised. I agree that staying away from them will also reduce the likelihood of him getting it, but wary as they have said that the Delta variant spreads more quickly. 

[Bastet]

1 hour ago, mostlylurking said:

What should I do or say?

"Hey, assholes, you know your 5-year-old family member who can't get vaccinated and is immunocompromised?  He's one of the reasons it's important for you not to be selfish."

No?

Then, yeah, if you're going to go, keep your distance.  Will they be wearing masks, or are they against that, too?  Is it indoors or outdoors?  With a better idea of how this gathering is going to be structured, we can brainstorm as a group to cover all the ways of reducing your exposure risk.

Edited July 15, 2021 by Bastet

[shapeshifter]

55 minutes ago, mostlylurking said:

Today I found out that this weekend I will be attending a family party and three people there will not be Covid vaccinated (out of approx 15). I don’t care for myself because I am vaccinated but I have a five year old who obviously isn’t vaccinated and he is immunocompromised. What should I do or say?  It is not an option not to attend. I totally understand that it is every individuals right to make whatever choice they think is good for them, but I worry for my son.  Right now my plan is to just stay away from them as much as possible.  Thoughts??

As the parent of an immunocompromised 5 year-old in the middle of a pandemic when children with comorbidities are currently the most at risk of being hospitalized and intubated, you may want to rethink whatever it is that makes you state that it "is not an option not to attend."

Otherwise, you should both wear masks and face shields and goggles and gloves, which is what I did when I flew across the country in January.

[Mondrianyone]

58 minutes ago, mostlylurking said:

It is not an option not to attend.

Unless it's a grand jury appearance, there's always the option not to attend. Tell them the health of your child matters more to you than this party and send your regrets. For real. I wouldn't go under these circumstances.

[shapeshifter]

3 minutes ago, Mondrianyone said:

Unless it's a grand jury appearance, there's always the option not to attend. Tell them the health of your child matters more to you than this party and send your regrets. For real. I wouldn't go under these circumstances.

I was thinking there could be a custody thing involved.
If so, FWIW, 30 years ago when my ex came to pick up our 7-year-old who had just received a shot of penicillin for strep throat that had gone into Scarletina (a small diagnostic step before Scarlet Fever) I told him she couldn't go because she had 105F fever etc. He was mad because he had to drive over an hour each way and I hadn't at least called to tell him, but he didn't question it and drove back. I am still sorry I didn't call him, but it was not on my mind, and I am sure he understood that too. 

[Bastet]

I figured the kid was staying home, and the concern was about being exposed and bringing the virus home to him, but I may have assumed too much.

[mostlylurking]

Thank you all. The party will be outdoors weather permitting and it seems it will work out that way. Most of it he will actually be napping so he will miss some of it. (Yep my kid still naps thank you Jesus). Yes it’s a custody thing and it’s a bit complicated.

I just plan on staying away. I think it’s very selfish, especially when people say not getting vaccinated only affects that person. I mean do what you want, but at least have the knowledge that it does affect others, some people can’t get vaccinated for medical reasons and some aren’t eligible yet (children). 

I appreciate all this. You are all my people!

8 minutes ago, Bastet said:

 

I figured the kid was staying home, and the concern was about being exposed and bringing the virus home to him, but I may have assumed too much.

 

No he’s coming with me. That’s the biggest problem. 

Edited July 15, 2021 by mostlylurking

[Bastet]

8 minutes ago, mostlylurking said:

Yes it’s a custody thing and it’s a bit complicated.

 

8 minutes ago, mostlylurking said:

No he’s coming with me. That’s the biggest problem.

Then I would stash him away somewhere there whenever possible, deck him out in PPE when it's not (to send a message as well as offer him maximum protection), and keep your own distance from the selfish lot.  It being outdoors will be a big help, with only 15 people, and you should be able to make this required attendance thing pretty safe.

[mostlylurking]

26 minutes ago, Bastet said:

39 minutes ago, mostlylurking said:

 

Then I would stash him away somewhere there whenever possible, deck him out in PPE when it's not (to send a message as well as offer him maximum protection), and keep your own distance from the selfish lot.  It being outdoors will be a big help, with only 15 people, and you should be able to make this required attendance thing pretty safe.

Thanks for this. 100% we still wear masks, even though I’m vaccinated he’s not and I don’t think it’s fair to make him wear one if I don’t. He doesn’t even mind it or think it’s a big deal at all. Thanks for taking the time to respond!  

[PRgal]

12 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

I was thinking there could be a custody thing involved.
If so, FWIW, 30 years ago when my ex came to pick up our 7-year-old who had just received a shot of penicillin for strep throat that had gone into Scarletina (a small diagnostic step before Scarlet Fever) I told him she couldn't go because she had 105F fever etc. He was mad because he had to drive over an hour each way and I hadn't at least called to tell him, but he didn't question it and drove back. I am still sorry I didn't call him, but it was not on my mind, and I am sure he understood that too. 

Well, most people didn't have cellphones/car phones back in 1990 or so (we were looking for a new house in the early 90s and our real estate agent had one in her car and preteen me thought she was SO COOL!) and you were too busy with the kid.  I hope she recovered quickly!  I think people in the late 80s/early 90s were better at understanding things.  These days, we just get angry.  

[shapeshifter]

12 minutes ago, PRgal said:

Well, most people didn't have cellphones/car phones back in 1990 or so (we were looking for a new house in the early 90s and our real estate agent had one in her car and preteen me thought she was SO COOL!) and you were too busy with the kid.  I hope she recovered quickly!  I think people in the late 80s/early 90s were better at understanding things.  These days, we just get angry.  

Exactly!

[WinnieWinkle]

26 minutes ago, PRgal said:

These days, we just get angry.  

And I blame a lot of that on texting, email or personal messaging.  Most of us never think to pick up a phone anymore -we type out our issue and a lot of nuance gets lost that way.  Things come off sarcastic that you didn't intend to be sarcastic or comments you thought were funny are taken seriously.  That kind of thing.  I have seen more family feuds get started because of a few ill chosen comments on FB then I ever saw when people were gathering actually talking around a dinner table!

[mostlylurking]

@shapeshifter thank you for sharing your story. That sounds absolutely terrifying!  I’m so glad your daughter was ok. Yes, a lot gets lost in translation these days. Of course, these are two people that are adamant that they had Covid, despite MULTIPLE negative tests. Thus, they believe they have antibodies and don’t need the vaccine. Which would be false even if they had indeed contracted the virus (all evidence points to the contrary). 

[mostlylurking]

So you were all so helpful I wanted to update you on what happened at the family party.  Can you believe after all that angst, the parties in question didn't even show up!  Lol.  So it was all good.  I also found out while we were there that one of the other guests is currently undergoing chemotherapy so I am so happy they just didn’t show.

I also told two out of state friends that were thinking of coming to visit to not bother if they are not vaccinated.  I worded it a bit nicer, ha.  I’m not so much concerned with myself, but my kid is unvaccinated and immune compromised so I’m still being cautious.  

I realize I can’t control what others do and in this way I feel like I took control of the situation.  I made my boundaries known without having to ask them about their vaccination status, they don’t need to defend their positions, get into some long awkward conversation about it, etc.  

[WinnieWinkle]

I've been contacting various retirement communities to find a place for my parents (Dad isn't thrilled with the one my mother is in right now) and it's depressing (a) how much it costs! and (b) how many things are wrong health wise for my mother.  I am aware of them, of course, but when I have to specifically enumerate all the things they'd need to be able to deal with, well, wow.  It's hard to reconcile this with the bright, vibrant woman my mother still is - well most of the time.  They tell you getting old isn't for sissies, and man, they're not kidding.

Edited July 29, 2021 by WinnieWinkle

[Bastet]

33 minutes ago, WinnieWinkle said:

They tell you getting old isn't for sissies, and man, they're not kidding.

Watching your parents get old isn't for sissies, either.  Be sure to take care of yourself during this stressful process. 

[BookWoman56]

7 hours ago, WinnieWinkle said:

I've been contacting various retirement communities to find a place for my parents (Dad isn't thrilled with the one my mother is in right now) and it's depressing (a) how much it costs! and (b) how many things are wrong health wise for my mother.  I am aware of them, of course, but when I have to specifically enumerate all the things they'd need to be able to deal with, well, wow.  It's hard to reconcile this with the bright, vibrant woman my mother still is - well most of the time.  They tell you getting old isn't for sissies, and man, they're not kidding.

Small suggestion here: Create a Word doc or Excel file listing your mother’s known health conditions and her current meds, including the strengths and dosages. Do the same for your father. Print them out, laminate if possible, keep the printouts in your car or purse, and take photos of them with your phone. Update when needed. When you’re talking to facilities or having to take one or both parents to medical appointments or even to the hospital, having those lists readily available will save a lot of time. If you’re stressed about the situation, it’s easy to forget some of the diagnoses and meds. The healthcare personnel will generally be grateful that you have all the critical information organized; very often they just scanned in the documents I maintained for my mother. 

[theredhead77]

From the COVID thread and discussion about abusive family members

2 hours ago, ABay said:

I suspect the "family is everything" idea that permeates most cultures is propaganda made up and spread by people whose families would otherwise have kicked them out years ago.

 

I completely agree. My uncle was (is?) an asshole. My mom always made it a point to say "family is family" and force me to interact with him. The last time they (aunt, uncle and cousins) came to visit I was in my early 20s and had moved back to my parents house for a bit. I moved right the fuck out. My uncle started his usual shit and I just left. Pissed off my mom but dude, reign in your brother. Years later she was visiting him, she called me from their house except it was my uncle, blindsiding me with an apology. I haven't spoken to him since.
 

I found out from my mom that one of my cousins wants to know more about her dad and our family and to find out why he was such a dick to them growing up. 

[MargeGunderson]

1 hour ago, theredhead77 said:

From the COVID thread and discussion about abusive family members

 

I completely agree. My uncle was (is?) an asshole. My mom always made it a point to say "family is family" and force me to interact with him. The last time they (aunt, uncle and cousins) came to visit I was in my early 20s and had moved back to my parents house for a bit. I moved right the fuck out. My uncle started his usual shit and I just left. Pissed off my mom but dude, reign in your brother. Years later she was visiting him, she called me from their house except it was my uncle, blindsiding me with an apology. I haven't spoken to him since.
 

I found out from my mom that one of my cousins wants to know more about her dad and our family and to find out why he was such a dick to them growing up. 

I also hate the whole “you only see them once a year [or whatever] so you can put up with them being an asshole.” Or, you know, they could not be an asshole? I get this bullshit with my sister, or at least I did, since I haven’t seen her in several years. Why does the jerk get treated with kid gloves? I’m not going to “be the bigger person” when someone is treating me like crap. I’m sick of enabling crappy people to continue to be crappy, like that’s my reward for being a decent human being. Screw that! And god help anyone who tells me that I’m ruining it by not putting up with the behavior. 

 

Edited August 5, 2021 by MargeGunderson

[KittyMom4]

2 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

I completely agree. My uncle was (is?) an asshole. My mom always made it a point to say "family is family" and force me to interact with him.

I have the same uncle, now deceased, but when he was alive he was an A1 Asshole. Just mean for no reason. The fact that I only saw him once a year at family reunions and that I remember to this day, 40+ years later what a dick he was to me when I was 10 and every year after that says volumes. He was the oldest of my mom's 14 siblings and apparently thought of himself as the "elder statesman" and therefore gave him the power to deem any niece or nephew not worthy of his patience or kindness. My mom ended up taking care of him for the last couple years he was alive and she would try to cajole me into stopping over to see him (he moved in with them for a few months before he was able to get into a VA nursing home). I refused. To this day she will talk about him with reverence, I just bite my tongue. 

He had 4 kids of his own,  NONE of them attended his funeral. These cousins will always post on FB about their mom, who was the sweetest woman, for her birthday, mother's day or on the anniversary of her death, they have never posted about their father. 

Just because we're "blood" does not mean I have to put up with someone treating me like crap. 

[Lady Whistleup]

Well as you guys can tell from the covid thread my sister is in the midst of her annual visit and she's absolutely driving me nuts. She's just a bitch. She yells at me for the littlest reason or no reason at all.

Her husband is completely cowed by her. He finally told her to stop calling me fat when I weigh less than her.

Her most "endearing" habit is watching me cook, saying nothing, and then when I'm done with the food she declares "oh I don't eat __________." I asked her why she didn't tell me so I would know not to cook it. She responded that it wasn't her job to tell me what she doesn't eat.

But I come from a Chinese family, where family is considered paramount, and my mom's response is simply "she only visits once a year."

[WinnieWinkle]

32 minutes ago, BexKeps said:

He had 4 kids of his own,  NONE of them attended his funeral. These cousins will always post on FB about their mom, who was the sweetest woman, for her birthday, mother's day or on the anniversary of her death, they have never posted about their father. 

 

I appreciate that they are remembering their father the way he was,   I have cousins whose father was physically and emotional abusive to them and to their Mom, cheap (but there was always money for cigarettes and booze) and just generally a jerk.  He died when they were all in their mid to late teens and lately I've noticed all these fawning FB posts showing up on father's day and his birthday or for no real reason that are all "our sweet daddy in heaven"  and "miss you every day dearest dad" kind of stuff.  I totally can understand that family relationships can be complicated and it's possible to love someone who is problematic, to say the least!  But these constant references to him as a wonderful person?  No, just no, he really wasn't.

[ABay]

1 hour ago, MargeGunderson said:

I also hate the whole “you only see them once a year [or whatever] so you can put up with them being an asshole.” Or, you know, they could not be an asshole? I get this bullshit with my sister, or at least I did, since I haven’t seen her in several years. Why does the jerk get treated with kid gloves?

Yes!

@Lady Whistleup, please have your mom read this thread and the Covid one.

[shapeshifter]

16 minutes ago, WinnieWinkle said:

I appreciate that they are remembering their father the way he was,   I have cousins whose father was physically and emotional abusive to them and to their Mom, cheap (but there was always money for cigarettes and booze) and just generally a jerk.  He died when they were all in their mid to late teens and lately I've noticed all these fawning FB posts showing up on father's day and his birthday or for no real reason that are all "our sweet daddy in heaven"  and "miss you every day dearest dad" kind of stuff.  I totally can understand that family relationships can be complicated and it's possible to love someone who is problematic, to say the least!  But these constant references to him as a wonderful person?  No, just no, he really wasn't.

I suppose they are getting some emotional satisfaction out of fabricating the father they wish they had?

[WinnieWinkle]

3 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

I suppose they are getting some emotional satisfaction out of fabricating the father they wish they had?

This is why I love this place!  I never thought of it from that angle before.  I bet you're probably right.  

[shapeshifter]

1 minute ago, WinnieWinkle said:

This is why I love this place!  I never thought of it from that angle before.  I bet you're probably right.  

And now I'm wondering if a very large percentage of all those social media tributes on special days are by people whose real parents (or others) were real a$$h0les.

Just going off of my own personal experience, I'm also pretty sure most parents are pretty flawed, but do have their good points. But I don't usually post that stuff, and there are really lots of reasons people do. I know some are genuinely trying to spread good vibes.

But mostly people post only positive personal stuff on FB, so there's that.

[supposebly]

44 minutes ago, Lady Whistleup said:

But I come from a Chinese family, where family is considered paramount, and my mom's response is simply "she only visits once a year."

Maybe it's time to make these visits once every 5 years? And then be seriously ill when it's that time? I don't know your sister but unless she delights in making you miserable once a year, I'm having a hard time imagining she's having fun. 

[Bastet]

If family ties are so important, why isn't someone obliged to treat her sister with respect, especially while staying in her home?  While one sibling is being lectured, "Eh, she's your sister and it's just once a year, so let it go," is the other one also hearing, "She's your sister and it's just once a year, so stop picking on everything she does"?

[theredhead77]

5 hours ago, Lady Whistleup said:

Well as you guys can tell from the covid thread my sister is in the midst of her annual visit and she's absolutely driving me nuts. She's just a bitch. She yells at me for the littlest reason or no reason at all.

Her husband is completely cowed by her. He finally told her to stop calling me fat when I weigh less than her.

Her most "endearing" habit is watching me cook, saying nothing, and then when I'm done with the food she declares "oh I don't eat __________." I asked her why she didn't tell me so I would know not to cook it. She responded that it wasn't her job to tell me what she doesn't eat.

But I come from a Chinese family, where family is considered paramount, and my mom's response is simply "she only visits once a year."

I encourage you to come back and read your posts a few weeks after your sister leaves. I don't mean to sound dismissive but culture expectations are irrelevant. All cultures have these odd "rules" about family that aren't anything more than societal pressure. Just like all cultures have "[culture] guilt". Which can be huge. But what your sister is doing is verbal and mental abuse. Full stop. You do not need to put up with it, at all. Full stop. Your mother has no say in your life. Full stop. You are a grown ass person who can make their own decisions about who they allow in their life and how they are treated. Full stop.

Finally, ask yourself what you would say to a friend if a friend was sharing these horrific stories about their spouse, or boyfriend, or brother, or yes, sister, with you.

Edited August 6, 2021 by theredhead77
typo

[Mondrianyone]

Plus, there are all sorts of cultural, religious, ethnic traditions that we either leave behind or abandon once we enter a new culture that doesn't include those traditions. Such as female genital mutilation, arranged marriage (with someone who disgusts you), honor killings, infanticide of baby girls--maybe these are the worst examples, but still. You don't have to cling to it in spite of how the tradition affects you negatively just because "that's the way we always do it." You wouldn't be posting about how badly your sister treats you if you wanted to continue the tradition of being abused by her. So don't.

[Bastet]

1 hour ago, Mondrianyone said:

Such as female genital mutilation, arranged marriage (with someone who disgusts you), honor killings, infanticide of baby girls

Notice the common thread of who is most often victimized by cultural/religious traditions.

[KittyMom4]

19 hours ago, WinnieWinkle said:

I appreciate that they are remembering their father the way he was

Me too. I've never asked them what he was like as a father, I'm not particularly close to them as they lived in another state growing up and I only saw them at reunions, and since they didn't come to the funeral (that I only went to out of respect for my mom), I've never had the chance.  But if he was anything like what he was as an uncle, I'm sure they are very happy to be rid of him. 

18 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

And now I'm wondering if a very large percentage of all those social media tributes on special days are by people whose real parents (or others) were real a$$h0les.

This is true, a former HS classmate of mine posts about her now deceased father and her still living mother like they were Ozzie & Harriet. They were not. I would do sleepovers at her house when we were in our early teens, her older brother used to shove her into the wall and pull her hair for no reason, she'd go crying to her parents and they'd tell her to stop being such a baby. When she got married to her first husband they refused to pay for the wedding because she was pregnant. Her two older sisters got full on $$$$ big white weddings but not my friend. Now, 30+ years later she posts about her "wonderful daddy in heaven" and getting to see "her sweet mommy today". I guess it makes her feel better about her childhood but her parents were assholes. 

[shapeshifter]

2 hours ago, BexKeps said:

21 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

And now I'm wondering if a very large percentage of all those social media tributes on special days are by people whose real parents (or others) were real a$$h0les.

This is true, a former HS classmate of mine posts about her now deceased father and her still living mother like they were Ozzie & Harriet. They were not. I would do sleepovers at her house when we were in our early teens, her older brother used to shove her into the wall and pull her hair for no reason, she'd go crying to her parents and they'd tell her to stop being such a baby. When she got married to her first husband they refused to pay for the wedding because she was pregnant. Her two older sisters got full on $$$$ big white weddings but not my friend. Now, 30+ years later she posts about her "wonderful daddy in heaven" and getting to see "her sweet mommy today". I guess it makes her feel better about her childhood but her parents were assholes. 

Another reason people post about wonderful parents who were not so great is the need to lift themselves in the eyes of others. In the example you gave above, @BexKeps, I'm sure your HS friend felt humiliated by all of that; reinventing her past on social media gives her a chance to experience what she imagines it must be like to have Ozzie and Harriet parents. 

I think most of us tend to put mostly positive stuff online. But that's different from creating an alternate history. 
Still, most memories are unreliable.
I don't know if your friend and others like her (my sister at times) are aware they are creating a fiction.🤔

[ABay]

I would worry about a woman in her 40s calling her parents mommy and daddy. Unless she lives at South Fork, in which case there are other reasons to worry about her.

Baby talk seriously annoys me.

 

Edited August 6, 2021 by ABay

[PRgal]

1 hour ago, ABay said:

I would worry about a woman in her 40s calling her parents mommy and daddy. Unless she lives at South Fork, in which case there are other reasons to worry about her.

Baby talk seriously annoys me.

 

My cousins in Hong Kong do that!  I think it's cultural and I roll my eyes every time I hear them talk to their parents!  But I can't say anything because, you know, it's cultural.  They probably think it's weird that I say mom and dad.  My cousins also say "mama" and "baba."

 

That said, I have a cousin (Canadian born) who was called "baby" by his mom well into his 20s.  Not sure if she still does that - said cousin is now in his 30s.

[Jane Tuesday]

On 8/5/2021 at 2:36 PM, WinnieWinkle said:

 I have cousins whose father was physically and emotional abusive to them and to their Mom, cheap (but there was always money for cigarettes and booze) and just generally a jerk.  He died when they were all in their mid to late teens and lately I've noticed all these fawning FB posts showing up on father's day and his birthday or for no real reason that are all "our sweet daddy in heaven"  and "miss you every day dearest dad" kind of stuff.

I have a cousin who does this, too.  Lots of posts about how great her dad was, how much she misses him (45+ years later), etc.  And then other cousins chime in with "your dad was a real character, miss him!" replies.

The man in question died before I was born, but by all accounts he was an abusive, drunk, shithead, who beat his son and abused his wife and daughters verbally (and perhaps physically).  His son - who never got an ounce of sympathy from his mother, let alone therapy for his abuse - became an addict, lived on the streets, and ended up dying in a train station WAY before his time.  He basically pickled his liver.

The person she's fawning over was a monster who ruined her own brother's life and sent him to an early grave, but she has seemingly forgotten all of that.  (She was late teens/early 20s when her dad died, so she definitely remembers.)  I realize you only get one dad, and when everybody else is waxing poetic on FB about how great theirs is/was, she probably feels left out.  But what excuse do the other enablers have?  It's okay to just not comment.  You don't need to pretend that old asshole was some kind of fun uncle.

[WinnieWinkle]

9 minutes ago, Jane Tuesday said:

It's okay to just not comment.  You don't need to pretend that old asshole was some kind of fun uncle.

That's what I do.  This family lived in a different province when we were growing up so I didn't see them often but when I did their Dad scared me to death.  One time he came charging into my bedroom where two of my cousins were and started yelling at them and had a hand raised as if he were about to start hitting - the only reason he didn't, I think, is because he realized I was there too.  I've never forgotten that.  I was raised in a home where my parents rarely even raised their voices at us and they sure as hell never raised a hand!  Anyway when they post their "dearest dad" stuff I just don't say a word.  Now that you mention it I've noticed our other set of mutual cousins don't comment either.

Edited August 6, 2021 by WinnieWinkle

[ABay]

@Lady Whistleup, has the sister from hell finally left?

[Lady Whistleup]

Yes she finally left yesterday. She said it was such a great visit hahaha. I slept for like four hours after she left. 

[shapeshifter]

2 hours ago, Lady Whistleup said:

Yes she finally left yesterday. She said it was such a great visit hahaha. I slept for like four hours after she left. 

Whew!
Okay. 
And now, while it's still fresh in your mind, what are you going to say the next time she plans such a long visit? 

[Lady Whistleup]

1 minute ago, shapeshifter said:

Whew!
Okay. 
And now, while it's still fresh in your mind, what are you going to say the next time she plans such a long visit? 

Well ... the good news is she's due in March and she declared that she isn't traveling with an infant. So I'm in the clear for maybe 2 years.

[supposebly]

21 minutes ago, Lady Whistleup said:

So I'm in the clear for maybe 2 years.

Great! Maybe she won't travel with a toddler either!

[PRgal]

16 hours ago, supposebly said:

Great! Maybe she won't travel with a toddler either!

LOL!  You don't want to travel with a toddler.  Unless she's more tolerant than me (which she doesn't seem to be).  

[hoodooznoodooz]

Anyone with divorce experience?

Can I learn from your mistakes?

I predict that my soon-to-be-ex will be vindictive.

I have been a SAHM for 12 years. Before, I earned $70K. He earns $120K plus commissions. He may try to hide assets. 
 

He divorced his first wife and learned a lot from that.

Thank you in advance.

[shapeshifter]

4 hours ago, hoodooznoodooz said:

Anyone with divorce experience?

Can I learn from your mistakes?

I predict that my soon-to-be-ex will be vindictive.

I have been a SAHM for 12 years. Before, I earned $70K. He earns $120K plus commissions. He may try to hide assets. 
 

He divorced his first wife and learned a lot from that.

Thank you in advance.

I'd probably be more helpful regarding custody issues, because our finances weren't on the same scale.

Maybe hire a forensic accountant? 

As a retired reference librarian, I think if you came to the desk and asked this question, we'd probably be looking at: 
https://www.americanbar.org/groups/litigation/committees/family-law/practice/2019/what-is-a-forensic-accountant/#:~:text=A forensic accountant should exercise,of what the data indicate.

And you can Google: Forensic Accountant near me
and then read through a few of the starred reviews to get a sense of what people are looking for or not happy about.

But I wonder if the same principle I learned from the custody mudslinging would apply to the financial issues: It's best to keep the peace and move on. 

I too was a SAHM for about 12 years. This was around 1990. I was in a small, rural, economically depressed town, but there was a community college. I started taking classes towards a Library Technicians Certificate because my back wasn't strong enough to go for the Nursing LVN program --which would probably have been more secure and lucrative. 
While going to school I got financial aid in the form of Work Study funds, which allowed me to build a work history for a résumé while earning minimum wage. Eventually I completed a Masters degree while working as a "Librarian" at a private college prep high school that didn't require the advanced degree.