Pet Peeves: Aka Things That Make You Go "Gah!"

[emma675]

One of my friends had a destination wedding--in England (we're all in the U.S.). The groom was from London and had virtually no family, the bride was from the U.S. and had a TON of family, the majority of which she did not want to invite. She didn't want to cause a huge family rift but she also didn't want certain relatives ruining her big day, so she had the wedding over in England. Luckily, the majority of the horrible relatives couldn't afford to fly over so, problem solved. They griped but because the groom was British she did have a "real" reason to get married over there. I flew over and had a great time but she made it clear that she totally understood if people couldn't afford to come and she made a point to share a ton of pics and videos for those who couldn't make it.

[DeLurker]

An actual pet peeve:  My dog manages to dig in spots where there are some kind of cables running underground.  I haven't seen any gnaw mark yet, but it scares the hell out of me.

Why are these cables barely buried?  These things are only buried about an inch or two deep.

[auntlada]

That sounds like something that should be brought to someone's attention. Who depends on what kind of lines they are. Do you have one of those central numbers to call about underground lines before you dig holes? Maybe they would know.

[Bastet]

2 hours ago, DeLurker said:

Why are these cables barely buried?  These things are only buried about an inch or two deep.

Are they lines for your phone and/or TV?  Here those are overhead, but I know in many places where they are buried instead, they are buried really shallow like that.

[Sun-Bun]

4 hours ago, emma675 said:

 

One of my friends had a destination wedding--in England (we're all in the U.S.). The groom was from London and had virtually no family, the bride was from the U.S. and had a TON of family, the majority of which she did not want to invite. She didn't want to cause a huge family rift but she also didn't want certain relatives ruining her big day, so she had the wedding over in England. Luckily, the majority of the horrible relatives couldn't afford to fly over so, problem solved.

 

That's brilliant, @emma675; avoid those messy invitation expectations automatically that way! And that's exactly why I wanted to either elope or go far away to marry; I love my mom, but she's a drama queen who would've drank too much and picked apart the entire evening((we heard enough snarky comments from her when she later picked apart all our professional photos from the day)). I just couldn't have relaxed or felt at ease with her there, ditto the rest of my small but cray family, so sometimes you just gotta listen to your head and remember what a wedding is really supposed to be about.

As long as we're on the subject of wedding pet peeves, some other things really also bug me about big weddings:

--Cake smashing!!! So the cake smashing thing seems crude and childish. What's remotely cute or amusing about two grown adults shoving expensive cake into each other's faces?!

--Dry weddings. I don't care if you or your family or your church congregation don't drink. Most of us do, and if your guests just bought you everything from designer dish towels to a $100 waffle iron that'll likely collect dust, then your guests deserve some kind of alcoholic treat for dressing up and sitting through your ridiculously lavish lovefest. That just comes down to being thoughtful hosts. And don't cheap out with a cash bar either because that's just tacky; if you can't afford wine or beer for your guests then save up or slice down the guest list.

--Holiday weddings. I've been to a Valentines Day wedding. I've been to an Easter wedding. But the weirdest was the New Year's Eve wedding. It was a lovely wedding, but I hated feeling like I had to choose between attending a family wedding or enjoying the holiday out of town with friends like I normally do. Why put your guests in an awkward position like that?

[Bastet]

2 minutes ago, Sun-Bun said:

--Cake smashing!!! So the cake smashing thing seems crude and childish. What's remotely cute or amusing about two grown adults shoving expensive cake into each other's faces?!

--Dry weddings. I don't care if you or your family or your church congregation don't drink. Most of us do, and if your guests just bought you everything from designer dish towels to a $100 waffle iron that'll likely collect dust, then your guests deserve some kind of alcoholic treat for dressing up and sitting through your ridiculously lavish lovefest. That just comes down to being thoughtful hosts. And don't cheap out with a cash bar either because that's just tacky; if you can't afford wine or beer for your guests then save up or slice down the guest list.

I agree wholeheartedly with these.  I do not understand the cake thing, at all.  I've only seen it happen in real life once or twice, though, and not in a long time; it's more a TV characters thing to me.

And no bar, or a cash bar?  Get out of here with that nonsense.  I think it's tacky to invite people to a party at your house and not provide a reasonable array of food and beverage options.  So to ask them to attend a wedding and skimp out being a proper host is baffling to me.  I've only been to one wedding reception that didn't offer at least wine and beer (most have been open bars), but I've heard stories. 

In better wedding news, in a couple of months I'm going to the tasting with my friend and her fiancé - she's a vegetarian, so she can't try most of the things they'll be choosing from, and he has an incredibly pedestrian palate, so she wants me to sample everything, too, so they wind up with the best menu for their guests.  I know there will wind up being two salad options and three entree options, but I can't remember how many side dish options, and I'm not sure how many there are to choose from to get down to those; I love food, so what I do know is I'm looking forward to eating my way through the offerings. 

[bilgistic]

I've been to far more weddings where there was no alcohol than those where there was. I guess that is a result of being raised Southern Baptist. Drinking has always been "sin"-adjacent in my family, and both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. My sister is one, as well.

[Katy M]

18 minutes ago, Bastet said:

And no bar, or a cash bar?  Get out of here with that nonsense.  I think it's tacky to invite people to a party at your house and not provide a reasonable array of food and beverage options.  So to ask them to attend a wedding and skimp out being a proper host is baffling to me.  I've only been to one wedding reception that didn't offer at least wine and beer (most have been open bars), but I've heard stories. 

This leads me to a pet peeve.  People who refuse to go places where there will be no alcohol served.  Whether it's a wedding or a barbecue or a child's birthday party.  I mean, you can obviously not go anywhere for whatever reason you want, but tht just seems a little petty or strange to me.  A few hours without alcohol shouldn't kill you or your ability to have fun and enjoy your friends.

[backformore]

I've noticed that there has been a trend in the past few decades, that more and more "events" are considered part of getting married. Engagement parties, showers, bachelorette parties,  a dinner before the wedding, a brunch the day after, etc.  Even tastings of all the foods, cake, etc.  so many of these things have been added and enhanced to an extreme.  I was married 30 years ago.  Bachelorette parties were just a bunch of women at someone's house, drinking and playing risqué party games.  Now, it's a weekend away, with favors and gifts, hotel stay, meals.   A wedding reception would be at a hall, they show you the menu, and you make choices, no tastings.  The reception hall has a bakery they deal with - your only choice is what color flowers they put on it.   Brides used to do their own hair, makeup, nails.  Now, it's almost required to hire people to do hair and makeup for the bridal party.   

I was one of those women who would hear "every girl dreams of their wedding day"  and wonder what was wrong with me that I never did.  I'm glad weddings were less complicated  in my day, if they weren't, I never would have been able to make all those arrangements and decisions. 

[Bastet]

5 minutes ago, backformore said:

Brides used to do their own hair, makeup, nails.  Now, it's almost required to hire people to do hair and makeup for the bridal party.   

The bride is having someone do our make-up, because we never wear make-up and thus don't have any, and would probably not apply it very well if we got some.  She decided she wanted to wear light make-up for the pictures since we might wind up a little red and glistening from an outdoor summer wedding, and I debated for a while whether I wanted to give it a whirl as well, and am leaning towards it.  But she's going first, and if whomever she hires turns out not to understand the concept of restraint, I'm skipping it.

I think she's having someone do her hair, but I don't need that - I "do" my hair by rinsing and conditioning it, running some gel through it to keep the curls from frizzing, and letting it air dry.

And she's including manicures/pedicures as part of the spa day we're doing in lieu of any sort of bachelorette party or bridal shower, but otherwise I'd be doing that myself. 

12 minutes ago, backformore said:

I'm glad weddings were less complicated  in my day, if they weren't, I never would have been able to make all those arrangements and decisions. 

She looked at a bride's checklist on some website, and could not believe all the stuff it was recommended that she do -- she's doing something in the neighborhood of 10 percent of all that (which is still double what I'd do).  We didn't even know what some of the things it referred to were!

[theredhead77]

21 minutes ago, Katy M said:

This leads me to a pet peeve.  People who refuse to go places where there will be no alcohol served.  Whether it's a wedding or a barbecue or a child's birthday party.  I mean, you can obviously not go anywhere for whatever reason you want, but tht just seems a little petty or strange to me.  A few hours without alcohol shouldn't kill you or your ability to have fun and enjoy your friends.

Same here. But on that note I'd rather have a dry wedding over a surprise cash bar.

[auntlada]

58 minutes ago, bilgistic said:

I've been to far more weddings where there was no alcohol than those where there was. I guess that is a result of being raised Southern Baptist. Drinking has always been "sin"-adjacent in my family, and both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. My sister is one, as well.

We had no alcohol at our wedding, which was in the fellowship hall of a Baptist church. We also didn't serve a meal. We had cake (well, two cakes, the wedding cake and a groom's cake), nuts, mints and punch. The wedding was mid-afternoon, so no one missed lunch or supper. And most everyone I knew didn't drink alcohol. Certainly no one in either of our families did (at least not publicly -- each other at the liquor store is one of the things Baptists don't recognize). It was the same kind of wedding almost everyone I knew at the time had. I didn't go to a wedding with a meal until I was an adult. And while I appreciate the food, especially if the wedding is around a mealtime, I often would rather just have the cake. At the last three weddings I went to, we didn't get any cake because it took them forever to get around to cutting the cake. We were tired and it was late, so we left. I was disappointed not to have cake because I like cake, but we'd already been at the reception for an hour and a half or so, and I wasn't waiting another hour for cake.

(My husband does drink alcohol now, although I mostly don't because I don't care for the taste. I only like mixed drinks with citrusy things that cover the taste of alcohol. I can get the same taste from a virgin drink, and the only reason I'd drink the alcohol is for the feeling it gives me. So I don't drink much because it disturbs me that I want the drink for what it does to me. I can see a slippery slope, and I don't want to start down it.)

Cash bars are cheap and tacky, though. Have alcohol, don't have alcohol, I don't care because I'm not going to drink it. But don't make people pay for it. (But do have a good bartender that will cut off your drunk uncle who can't hold his liquor and have a plan for how to get people home safely.)

In some satiric wedding plan book we read when we got married, our type of wedding reception was called The Uppity Baptist Reception. It's one where you eat cake, mints and nuts and drink punch and stand around talking to the people you came with.

Edited February 6, 2018 by auntlada
Added Uppity Baptist Reception explanation.

[ParadoxLost]

My oatmeal annoyed me this morning.

Oatmeal is mushy.  You should be able to swallow it pretty quick.  But no, it needs chewing.  It needs a lot of chewing.  Too much chewing.  It needs enough chewing that you have time to think about how bland it is and then you can move onto pondering why you have to chew something that by all rights shouldn't need that much chewing. That leads to bland + gross thoughts.  Then you circle back too this is too much chewing effort.

I went to the grocery store tonight to buy granola as an oatmeal topping so tomorrow my teeth can have a feeling of purpose and accomplishment:)P

Edited February 6, 2018 by ParadoxLost

[bilgistic]

45 minutes ago, backformore said:

I've noticed that there has been a trend in the past few decades, that more and more "events" are considered part of getting married. Engagement parties, showers, bachelorette parties,  a dinner before the wedding, a brunch the day after, etc.  Even tastings of all the foods, cake, etc.  so many of these things have been added and enhanced to an extreme.  I was married 30 years ago.  Bachelorette parties were just a bunch of women at someone's house, drinking and playing risqué party games.  Now, it's a weekend away, with favors and gifts, hotel stay, meals.   A wedding reception would be at a hall, they show you the menu, and you make choices, no tastings.  The reception hall has a bakery they deal with - your only choice is what color flowers they put on it.   Brides used to do their own hair, makeup, nails.  Now, it's almost required to hire people to do hair and makeup for the bridal party.   

I was one of those women who would hear "every girl dreams of their wedding day"  and wonder what was wrong with me that I never did.  I'm glad weddings were less complicated  in my day, if they weren't, I never would have been able to make all those arrangements and decisions. 

How about elaborate prom proposals and "gender reveal parties" (for unborn babies). Just stop it, people. Not everything has to be an event.

I blame the internet.

9 minutes ago, auntlada said:

...each other at the liquor store is one of the things Baptists don't recognize).

You got that right! My mom told me that my aunt has someone else go to the ABC store to buy her gin she uses to make her gin-soaked raisins.

Edited February 6, 2018 by bilgistic

[backformore]

18 minutes ago, bilgistic said:

How about elaborate prom proposals and "gender reveal parties" (for unborn babies). Just stop it, people. Not everything has to be an event.

I blame the internet.

 

Right. And there's also a "baby-moon" (vacation to a tropical  resort when you're pregnant, last chance before you become parents).  And then there's the "push present" which is the expensive piece of jewelry a husband owes his wife for giving him a child.

I guess it's a good thing we put our money into a down payment on a house and didn't know any of these traditions existed.

And our "gender reveal" was an "it's a boy" poster on a wooden stake my parents put it our front yard AFTER the baby was born  Yeah, back in the olden days when the gender wasn't known until the baby showed up and "revealed" it.

[bilgistic]

"Push present" makes me gag.

[Bastet]

PUSH PRESENT?!

It's not just that I want to know who comes up with this stuff and how it becomes A Thing, I want to know who names them.

Now, yes, if I'd just expelled a human being from my body after spending nearly a year gestating it, I'd want something from my partner - namely, significant time spent taking care of the baby now that it existed as something he can do his share of caring for, unlike when I was necessarily the one doing all the work and suffering all the consequences because it lived in me.  Not a piece of jewelry handed over in the delivery room.

[ParadoxLost]

I had a bunch of new light fixtures today.  I didn't realize how dim everything was before, I can see clearly now.....how badly I need to replace the carpet with new flooring. 

[BookWoman56]

@auntlada, the wedding reception you described was virtually identical to my first wedding. At that time, the expectation was that the wedding ceremony would take place in the church itself, and the reception would take place in the church's "fellowship" hall or equivalent. It was a Southern Baptist church, so obviously no alcohol was involved. Most of the guests were family who did not consume alcohol, at least in public, and some friends who would drink in a bar but would absolutely not expect to be served booze at a wedding. I knew even then that weddings in other parts of the country or among different religious groups might be much more lavish, but where I grew up, there were only a few non-church places to have a big bash, such as the country club, and that type of event was pretty much limited to very wealthy people in my town. As for weddings today, I really dislike the attitude by either the wedding couple and family, or guests that they are "owed" something, whether it be an expensive wedding gift or a fancy reception with a full dinner and bar. Nobody is obligated to give a wedding gift, and even if a guest feels that he or she should provide a gift, there's no need to break the bank to give one.  As for the idea that you shouldn't have a reception unless you're going to provide booze, again the point of a wedding is for people to get married, not to eat expensive food and drink. If a couple feels like catering a big event including a bar, that's fine, but I don't in any way go along with the idea that a couple who can't afford to provide dinner and booze to a group of family and friends just shouldn't bother getting married.  Yes, presumably they're getting presents that may be expensive, but they're not necessarily getting cash as a present, so they aren't necessarily going to have the money to throw a big bash.  Now, I can see thinking the couple is being cheap if they both make good money or come from money, and they spend an outrageous amount on the wedding dress, rent a huge reception hall, and then serve the guests nothing but store-bought cake, peanuts, and soda, but that's pretty extreme. I just dislike the idea that a wedding has to check off certain boxes or it's somehow not a legit wedding.  My own preference were I to get married again, which is not going to fucking happen, would be just to go to Las Vegas, get it over with, and then post photos for family and friends. I don't see the point of turning weddings into multi-event endurance races, where the object seems to be to spend insane amounts of money on crap that is totally unnecessary. 

Edited February 6, 2018 by BookWoman56

[Bastet]

2 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

As for the idea that you shouldn't have a reception unless you're going to provide booze, again the point of a wedding is for people to get married, not to eat expensive food and drink.

I agree that's the point of a wedding.  I don't agree it's true of a reception (but omit expensive, as that's not necessary).  I think any time you host an event, you should be a host.  What that means varies by event - what it's for and when/where it's held - but I'd no more have people over to watch a football game without offering soda, beer, and snacks than I'd put on a Saturday night wedding reception without providing dinner and a bar.  Or anything in between.  (And, of course, the flip side is most people attending will bring something in appreciation, again appropriate to the scale of the event, but that's beside the point for me.)

Edited February 6, 2018 by Bastet

[bilgistic]

My freshman-year roommate married the summer after we graduated college. Her reception was the typical Baptist church fellowship hall deal. I sure as hell ain't fancy, but I was amused at the meatballs still in a crock pot on the banquet table and...pigs-in-blankets.

[backformore]

It's freaking me out just a little bit that I posted something about weddings, and at the bottom of the page there are now a bunch of links to wedding-related sites. 

[Maharincess]

6 hours ago, Katy M said:

This leads me to a pet peeve.  People who refuse to go places where there will be no alcohol served.  Whether it's a wedding or a barbecue or a child's birthday party.  I mean, you can obviously not go anywhere for whatever reason you want, but tht just seems a little petty or strange to me.  A few hours without alcohol shouldn't kill you or your ability to have fun and enjoy your friends.

Thank you!! Maybe it's just because I don't drink but I don't understand how someone can be called a bad host for not providing alcohol. As long as there is food and plenty of non-alcoholic drinks then I don't see the problem.  Then again, if someone can't go a few hours without alcohol, I wouldn't want them coming anyway because they obviously have a problem. 

My peeve of the day is the HUGE stickers they put right on the front of things. I bought new dog and cat food bins today and they both had big ass stickers that were a pain to get off. If they feel like they have to add the stickers, at least put the easy peel ones. It took half an hour and a bunch of smelly Wd40 to get them off. 

Another peeve that's more of a heartbreak is parents who put their ridiculous religious beliefs ahead of their own children.  And disown and abandon those children when they need them most, simply because some book said they did something wrong.  I'm seeing the affects of that right now and aside from breaking my heart, it pisses me the hell off. 

[Sun-Bun]

4 hours ago, Maharincess said:

Another peeve that's more of a heartbreak is parents who put their ridiculous religious beliefs ahead of their own children.  And disown and abandon those children when they need them most, simply because some book said they did something wrong.  I'm seeing the affects of that right now and aside from breaking my heart, it pisses me the hell off. 

Oh goodness YES. It's so unfair to the children; just let them be children and enjoy their youth, then they can decide when they're older! 

Like I taught a couple of young Jehovah's Witness siblings once. They would look so sad whenever we had class holiday parties or birthday celebrations/celebratory treads/Christmas gatherings, and say that they "weren't allowed" to celebrate such things. They always looked close to tears because you could tell they wanted so desperately to join in with the rest of the students, but their stupid family had forced such bullshit beliefs on them. Shit like that is just so cruel and unnecessary to those poor kids and other hapless JW children.

[theredhead77]

Serious questions to those who think it's in poor taste to not provide a bar at a wedding:

Should the bride and groom skip the reception because they can't afford a bar or should they provide a cash bar?

Should a bar be provided even though a close friend or family member is in recovery and the temptation to drink is still too great? Should that friend or family member just skip the event instead?

[MrSmith]

20 hours ago, TattleTeeny said:

I hate this too--so much! Especially when said "hack" requires equal or more, time, money, energy, and/or trips to a store than the "regular" way does! That is not a hack! 

I go further in defining what is and is not a hack than you do, but then I'm just pedantic like that. My attitude is this: Are you changing how software behaves or circumventing any part of its logic? If no, then whatever you are doing is not a hack. If yes, hack away.

[MrSmith]

1 hour ago, theredhead77 said:

Serious questions to those who think it's in poor taste to not provide a bar at a wedding:

Should the bride and groom skip the reception because they can't afford a bar or should they provide a cash bar?

Should a bar be provided even though a close friend or family member is in recovery and the temptation to drink is still too great? Should that friend or family member just skip the event instead?

This is how people in my family have handled it, including dealing with alcoholics (both in recovery and not). The bride and groom provide a cash bar. They then provide the bartenders with pictures of people who are not to be served alcohol under any circumstances. The pictures they have provided included all the alcoholics, not just the ones in recovery. Keeps the ones who are not in recovery from making a scene at the wedding; if they "need" a drink, they tend to leave. LOL

I remember a wedding we attended when my younger brother and I were quite young. They had an open bar. My brother and I went to the bar to get our sodas refilled. Some drunk asshole relative, who I'd never seen before and have never seen again, was standing there. My brother ended up standing to this man's left, while I was to my brother's left. For some reason, this asshole decided it would be terrifically funny to pour his full beer out onto my brother's head. My immediate concern was doing what I could to make sure it didn't get into his eyes. I don't recall what my parents did. I do recall that I felt then (and feel now) that their response was muted and insufficient. This experience is among those that have turned me into someone who doesn't drink.

[ZaldamoWilder]

51 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

Serious questions to those who think it's in poor taste to not provide a bar at a wedding:

Should the bride and groom skip the reception because they can't afford a bar or should they provide a cash bar?

Should a bar be provided even though a close friend or family member is in recovery and the temptation to drink is still too great? Should that friend or family member just skip the event instead?

The destination wedding comment I recalled came from an etiquette thread I'd wound up in (tell you how I got there in a sec) but anyway it seems there are a couple different schools of thought.   The suggestions were to have a dry wedding, maybe something earlier in the day when event spaces are less expensive since you're not using premium Saturday night times - so something like a brunch reception where alcohol isn't missed.   Or serve passed signature cocktails, which satisfies the "need" for drinkers and caps the budget.    Again, according to the Post-ish etiquette standards, it's not in poor taste not to provide a bar, the theory is your guests don't view 5 drinks as compensation for their troubles.  It's considered much worse to do anything that suggests a request for $ even if it's not directly aimed at the couple.    Stating your registry on the invitations or that cage thing that holds the money envelopes and, yes, a cash bar is supposedly quite tacky.

I got to that page through an article on invitation expectations.   A good friend and former coworker of mine was turning 50.  We'd hung out outside of work, I was the coordinator at her wedding, so pretty tight.  Her cousin sent out evites to a party.  Wording was something like, please be my guest to celebrate Lisa's 50th birthday.  It was one of these boat cruise luncheon deals.   A few weeks later, like 5 days or so before the party, hostess cousin sends out a "reminder"  that says don't forget to rsvp the Spirit of Crappy Luncheons to make your reservation and ask for Lisa's table.  I was like what?  Doesn't a reservation already exist?  I call the boat people they say yes, we have Lisa's party down for Sunday at 2pm, the tickets are $75, that doesn't include cocktails or gratuity, the bar tab would be separate, how would you like to pay.   I said I wouldn't.  Thanks.   I emailed hostess cousin and changed my rsvp from yes to a no.    Months later Lisa was at my house.   She brought up how hurt she was that several of us (25 people it turns out) backed out of her party after saying yes.  I said when did they do it?  She said about a week before.  I said more precisely 5 days before?  She said yeah.   I explained that how that went down just isn't done.  If you host a party, your invitees are your guests.  Be my guest literally means you're not covering anything.  And I felt like it was a little sneaky not to have that stated up front.   Anyway, the point was she was quite hurt.  I apologized and told her I'd love to take her out for her birthday individually, just the two of us.    All that to say the meaning of words like host, guest and invitation have changed drastically.  Hell I'd like to think it's still my day lol. 

[emma675]

I'll be totally honest, and this is just my opinion, but I think a cash bar is tacky. Unless your event is raising money for charity and the proceeds from the bar are going to that, charging your guests for refreshments at a party you are hosting/invited them to is not cool. If they are there to celebrate you, you shouldn't make them pay for any part of that privilege. If you can't afford to pay for it yourself then just skip having a bar. 

[Katy M]

12 hours ago, backformore said:

Right. And there's also a "baby-moon" (vacation to a tropical  resort when you're pregnant, last chance before you become parents).  And then there's the "push present" which is the expensive piece of jewelry a husband owes his wife for giving him a child.

I definitely like the idea of a last solo vacation together before baby comes, but maybe calling it a baby-moon is a bit over the top.

On the subject of cash bars at weddings.  When my sister was planning a wedding, she was going to have a cash bar, because that meant that legally she was not providing the alcohol and if anyone got into an accident on the way home from the reception, she and the groom could not be sued for it.

[DeLurker]

16 hours ago, auntlada said:

That sounds like something that should be brought to someone's attention. Who depends on what kind of lines they are. Do you have one of those central numbers to call about underground lines before you dig holes? Maybe they would know.

 

15 hours ago, Bastet said:

Are they lines for your phone and/or TV?  Here those are overhead, but I know in many places where they are buried instead, they are buried really shallow like that.

I don't know what the lines are for and all the lines around here are buried.  I've got to call and find out what other lines are buried, and where, on the property since the plan for this spring is to start working on the backyard.

 

Weddings:  I took a class in high school that was called Family Development (I needed the elective credits and horticulture, which was an awesome class with an awesome teacher, conflicted with some academic classes I needed).   One of the assignments was to plan your wedding and they held a mock wedding every year.  I was chosen to be the bride and my immediate and uncensored response was "ah shit!".  The teacher let me swap out with someone - the class was mostly girls and there was a really high interest in being the bride.

When I got together with my ex and got to the point of thinking marriage, my Mom turned into the Wedding SheBeast and my ex into a Groomzilla.  After that, I quickly let the topic die.  The eventual marriage was by a Justice of the Peace at the courthouse with our son in attendance.  Then I went to work.

[MrSmith]

I'm surprised there are people who consider providing a cash bar at a wedding to be tacky. It's not like the bride and groom are getting a cut of what people spend on alcohol. I feel like I'm not required to provide you any alcohol. I've just seen too many times where people go nuts drinking way too much at weddings. Even for get-togethers at my house, alcohol is bring-yer-own and our family and friends understand that. I'm not a drinker and I don't keep alcohol in the house. My wife will occasionally buy something for her, but that's very rare, as well. Because I'm not a drinker, I don't know what's good or what other people like to drink. On top of that, I don't feel I am obligated to spend my money in that way in order for all of us to have a good time together. If you feel you need alcohol to have a good time, then you can pony up the cash for your personal "entertainment".

There are also liability issues to consider: If I'm providing an open bar, then I'm now responsible for what you do when you get drunk and drive home in that state.

[SunnyBeBe]

My pet peeve years ago was if there was not at least champagne provided at the reception/event, etc., but, years later, I get it.  There are so many people who are in recovery, those who should be, but, get out of control when they drink, liability issues, etc.  It's a headache and responsibility that I don't want.  

[peacheslatour]

1 hour ago, emma675 said:

I'll be totally honest, and this is just my opinion, but I think a cash bar is tacky. Unless your event is raising money for charity and the proceeds from the bar are going to that, charging your guests for refreshments at a party you are hosting/invited them to is not cool. If they are there to celebrate you, you shouldn't make them pay for any part of that privilege. If you can't afford to pay for it yourself then just skip having a bar. 

We provided Champagne and beer at our wedding, all you can drink. If our guests wanted cocktails they could go into the bar and order them and pay for them. We were young and that's what we could afford.

[Katy M]

1 hour ago, emma675 said:

I'll be totally honest, and this is just my opinion, but I think a cash bar is tacky. Unless your event is raising money for charity and the proceeds from the bar are going to that, charging your guests for refreshments at a party you are hosting/invited them to is not cool. If they are there to celebrate you, you shouldn't make them pay for any part of that privilege. If you can't afford to pay for it yourself then just skip having a bar. 

You're actually not making them pay for anything, assuming you're providing water, soda, juice, something.  A cash bar usually ends up being a compromise between a couple that doesn't want to have alcohol and guests who demand it because they can't go a couple of hours without drinking, or can't stand the couple and their guests, so need to drink.

[TattleTeeny]

Quote

I remember a wedding we attended when my younger brother and I were quite young. They had an open bar. My brother and I went to the bar to get our sodas refilled. Some drunk asshole relative, who I'd never seen before and have never seen again, was standing there. My brother ended up standing to this man's left, while I was to my brother's left. For some reason, this asshole decided it would be terrifically funny to pour his full beer out onto my brother's head. My immediate concern was doing what I could to make sure it didn't get into his eyes. I don't recall what my parents did. I do recall that I felt then (and feel now) that their response was muted and insufficient. This experience is among those that have turned me into someone who doesn't drink.

When I was maybe 4, I was the flower girl in the wedding of my parents' friends. My mom and dad were not in the wedding so they did not drive me to the reception; I went in the limo with the wedding party. Anyway, we arrived to the venue before most of the guests, and two of the groomsmen--also friends of my parents, so I knew them already--kept giving me champagne. By the time my parents arrived, I was a mess according to my dad, who is normally a pretty chill guy (and this was in the '70s, so things were generally a laxer nature) but reportedly that day was about to rip off his friends' heads. But at least we still have a photo of me with my hair in complete disarray and my crown of roses all askew...like a harbinger of my own (then) future at Lollapalooza or Phish or some shit, haha!

That said, I do like to drink at receptions, and I have zero problem with it being at a cash bar (IMO, it's super-obnoxious to judge someone on that)! In fact, if I were to get married., I'd have no choice but to have a cash bar for anything more than beer or wine; there is no way I could afford the bar required to serve my family and friends!

Edited February 6, 2018 by TattleTeeny

[Katy M]

7 minutes ago, TattleTeeny said:

and two of the groomsmen--also friends of my parents, so I knew them already--kept giving me champagne.

I hope your memory is off and they didn't "keep" giving you champagne.  Because a 4 year old is pretty small and one glass probably would have been enough, two definitely, to get you drunk.

[TattleTeeny]

I don't think I had my own glass, actually--after all, what kind of irresponsible oaf would allow a clumsy 4-year-old to handle fragile stemware?!

I think we also have a photo of my dad dancing with me in his arms and me probably drooling on his shoulder. My mother said he barely let me out of his sight after he'd arrived. I am actually not sure if he's still friends with those people, though I doubt that incident would be the cause if he isn't.  

Edited February 6, 2018 by TattleTeeny

[ZaldamoWilder]

I think it's combining the idea of requesting that someone be your guest + having that guest pay.   Conceptually these exclude each other.   Guests don't pay, that's what it means.   I don't think any couple should feel forced or pressured into it so if it wasn't in my budget, we wouldn't offer it it all.   Or I'd do a modified specific cocktail thing.   I wouldn't go into debt over a bar but I also wouldn't ask nor expect anyone I'm hosting to bring cash to my event.  

[MrSmith]

57 minutes ago, Katy M said:

You're actually not making them pay for anything, assuming you're providing water, soda, juice, something.  A cash bar usually ends up being a compromise between a couple that doesn't want to have alcohol and guests who demand it because they can't go a couple of hours without drinking, or can't stand the couple and their guests, so need to drink.

This. To me (and in all the times I've heard other people use the term) "cash bar" means that anything not alcohol is free to the guests, and that only the alcohol is charged to the guest.

[MrSmith]

Just now, ZaldamoWilder said:

I think it's combining the idea of requesting that someone be your guest + having that guest pay.   Conceptually these exclude each other.   Guests don't pay, that's what it means.   I don't think any couple should feel forced or pressured into it so if it wasn't in my budget, we wouldn't offer it it all.   Or I'd do a modified specific cocktail thing.   I wouldn't go into debt over a bar but I also wouldn't ask nor expect anyone I'm hosting to bring cash to my event.  

I get what you're saying. However, having to pay for your own alcohol should be no big deal. That said, if I were forced to choose between "open bar" and "no bar", I would choose the latter. At most venues where these kinds of events are held, you can't bring your own alcohol. So a cash bar at least gives the guests who want to drink the ability to drink. To me, complaining that it's a cash bar is like complaining that I purchased enough food for everyone to have a portion or two of everything available, rather than it being all-you-can-eat with fresh food brought in as portions run out. And I guess my attitude is that if my guests don't like having to pay for their own alcohol, then they don't have to come. You're my guest, which means that I'm providing a reasonable lunch or dinner complete with a beverage. It doesn't mean you get to tell me what I'm going to serve or how I'm going to spend my money.

[ZaldamoWilder]

Yeah, I'm never going to disagree with having options.  There's a bar, most guests would like that.   I'm stating why I believe it's considered to be tacky.     

[peacheslatour]

54 minutes ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

I think it's combining the idea of requesting that someone be your guest + having that guest pay.   Conceptually these exclude each other.   Guests don't pay, that's what it means.   I don't think any couple should feel forced or pressured into it so if it wasn't in my budget, we wouldn't offer it it all.   Or I'd do a modified specific cocktail thing.   I wouldn't go into debt over a bar but I also wouldn't ask nor expect anyone I'm hosting to bring cash to my event.  

We had two official receptions and two unofficial receptions. It was a looong day. First reception was at the church- punch and snacks- no alcohol. The second was at a country club in a private room, champagne and beer provided by us-cocktails could be purchased at the club bar. The two unofficial ones were in between the church and the club at a tavern watching the Kentucky Derby and the second one was at the beach at my parents house where we were picked up by a sea plane to go on our honeymoon and people brought the party with them. Fun fact; it was the first time a filly had won the Derby in decades.

[ZaldamoWilder]

5 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

We had two official receptions and two unofficial receptions. It was a looong day. First reception was at the church- punch and snacks- no alcohol. The second was at a country club in a private room, champagne and beer provided by us-cocktails could be purchased at the club bar. The two unofficial ones were in between the church and the club at a tavern watching the Kentucky Derby and the second one was at the beach at my parents house where we were picked up by a sea plane to go on our honeymoon and people brought the party with them. Fun fact; it was the first time a filly had won the Derby in decades.

(no snark) - it sounds like you had the day you wanted.   That's awesome.   

[theredhead77]

3 hours ago, MrSmith said:

This is how people in my family have handled it, including dealing with alcoholics (both in recovery and not). The bride and groom provide a cash bar. They then provide the bartenders with pictures of people who are not to be served alcohol under any circumstances. The pictures they have provided included all the alcoholics, not just the ones in recovery. Keeps the ones who are not in recovery from making a scene at the wedding; if they "need" a drink, they tend to leave. LOL

I personally think this is a terrible idea that puts the bartender in a bad spot and opens up the floor for a huge scene by someone who "needs a drink"

 

I've attended several weddings, 2 were dry, one due to the bride's father being an alcoholic and the other due to drinking issues and cost. No biggie.

I attended one wedding (which I ranted about here) with a surprise open bar. It seemed to be open bar, for about an hour then all of a sudden the bartenders started charging for drinks. We still have no idea if the open bar part was an accident or if it was intentionally for an hour. Regardless, many were caught off guard by this without cash or cards for payment. I worked with the groom and he would talk about how much things were adding up and what they were doing to cut costs. Everything they cut impacted the guest experience: no champaign for the toast, all alcohol (except for that hour) was at the guest expense. The food was mediocre buffet and they cut down on that too due to cost. If they hadn't invited half the office (they both worked at the company) they would have had more budget.  As it was, the co-worker tables were in the back, off to the side and by the time I left I felt I was invited as an obligation (and I wasn't the only one).

[peacheslatour]

3 minutes ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

(no snark) - it sounds like you had the day you wanted.   That's awesome.   

It was a hell of a lot of fun and we're still gloriously in love thirty eight years later. 

P.S. Our friends gave it six months.

[MrSmith]

5 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

I personally think this is a terrible idea that puts the bartender in a bad spot and opens up the floor for a huge scene by someone who "needs a drink"

I can see your point. The people who were barred from the bar were aware this was going to be the case. That might have mitigated the situation enough that there wasn't a problem.

Quote

I've attended several weddings, 2 were dry, one due to the bride's father being an alcoholic and the other due to drinking issues and cost. No biggie.

I attended one wedding (which I ranted about here) with a surprise open bar. It seemed to be open bar, for about an hour then all of a sudden the bartenders started charging for drinks. We still have no idea if the open bar part was an accident or if it was intentionally for an hour. Regardless, many were caught off guard by this without cash or cards for payment. I worked with the groom and he would talk about how much things were adding up and what they were doing to cut costs. Everything they cut impacted the guest experience: no champaign for the toast, all alcohol (except for that hour) was at the guest expense. The food was mediocre buffet and they cut down on that too due to cost. If they hadn't invited half the office (they both worked at the company) they would have had more budget.  As it was, the co-worker tables were in the back, off to the side and by the time I left I felt I was invited as an obligation (and I wasn't the only one).

I think your reaction was reasonable. I would have felt the same. I'd rather invite fewer people, have a better experience, and explain to any interested-and-not-invited that it was due to cost but that I would have liked to have invited them - or figure out some way to smooth things over with those people who were not invited.

[ZaldamoWilder]

3 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

I personally think this is a terrible idea that puts the bartender in a bad spot and opens up the floor for a huge scene by someone who "needs a drink"

 

I've attended several weddings, 2 were dry, one due to the bride's father being an alcoholic and the other due to drinking issues and cost. No biggie.

I attended one wedding (which I ranted about here) with a surprise open bar. It seemed to be open bar, for about an hour then all of a sudden the bartenders started charging for drinks. We still have no idea if the open bar part was an accident or if it was intentionally for an hour. Regardless, many were caught off guard by this without cash or cards for payment. I worked with the groom and he would talk about how much things were adding up and what they were doing to cut costs. Everything they cut impacted the guest experience: no champaign for the toast, all alcohol (except for that hour) was at the guest expense. The food was mediocre buffet and they cut down on that too due to cost. If they hadn't invited half the office (they both worked at the company) they would have had more budget.  As it was, the co-worker tables were in the back, off to the side and by the time I left I felt I was invited as an obligation (and I wasn't the only one).

Ok so, THIS is my penultimate point.    Have drinks, don't have em {{shrug}} I'm not pressed.   Don't ask ME to pay for them if I'm your guest.     You described the wedding of a friend of mine that I flew to Texas to attend.  I knew it was gonna be something because we'd met on some wedding planning board and all she did was complain about costs.   Hoping more than 20% of her guests declined the invitation, etc.   We got to the reception and the room she was so worried would be packed had 50 people in it.  5 or so noticeably empty tables.   The bar was opened initially, then went all cash, then closed an hour later.    Have the event you can afford.  

[MrSmith]

59 minutes ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

Ok so, THIS is my penultimate point.    Have drinks, don't have em {{shrug}} I'm not pressed.   Don't ask ME to pay for them if I'm your guest.     You described the wedding of a friend of mine that I flew to Texas to attend.  I knew it was gonna be something because we'd met on some wedding planning board and all she did was complain about costs.   Hoping more than 20% of her guests declined the invitation, etc.   We got to the reception and the room she was so worried would be packed had 50 people in it.  5 or so noticeably empty tables.   The bar was opened initially, then went all cash, then closed an hour later.    Have the event you can afford.  

This. Completely agree.

[BookWoman56]

14 hours ago, Bastet said:

I agree that's the point of a wedding.  I don't agree it's true of a reception (but omit expensive, as that's not necessary).  I think any time you host an event, you should be a host.  What that means varies by event - what it's for and when/where it's held - but I'd no more have people over to watch a football game without offering soda, beer, and snacks than I'd put on a Saturday night wedding reception without providing dinner and a bar.  Or anything in between.  (And, of course, the flip side is most people attending will bring something in appreciation, again appropriate to the scale of the event, but that's beside the point for me.)

In terms of the reception, I agree to some extent. Yes, you're the host, so you need to foot the bill. That said, I don't think the guests get to dictate the menu. If I have a wedding reception with food and beverages, that food might be very casual and the beverages might be soda, tea, coffee, water, etc. I might go with a very fancy catered meal and beverages to match. No matter what the menu, it's my responsibility as the host to provide those items without charging the guests. But I don't think a couple who is getting married is somehow obligated to provide alcohol as part of the reception. The original argument was that because most guests do drink alcohol, it is incumbent on the host to provide alcohol at the reception, and I disagree with that attitude. People may want to exclude alcohol for a variety of reasons: fear of guests getting drunk and then driving; not wanting to deal with people with alcohol abuse issues; religious objections to alcohol, etc. By the same token, if a couple belongs to a particular religious belief structure that forbids certain foods, such as pork, the fact that maybe 75% of the guests might like pork doesn't mean the couple is obligated to provide pork as part of the food offered at the reception. 

For me, again, it's a moot point. I like to drink Scotch on occasion. I don't have objections to people consuming alcohol. But I'm unlikely to be friends with someone who can't deal with the idea of going 2-3 hours without a drink, just as I'm unlikely to be friends with someone who demands that nobody is allowed to consume alcohol. My gut impression about people including alcohol or not at a wedding reception because of cost is that people are inviting way the hell too many guests who are not really close family or friends. Ditto with having to tell the bar staff which guests shouldn't be served alcohol. Fuck convention. If you want to have a wedding reception with alcohol, then don't invite people who are going to show up and get drunk, and don't inflate your guest list by inviting people who are just casual friends or acquaintances, or family members that you're not really close to.  If people get pissed off because they were not invited, have the courage to tell them flatly that they weren't invited because you've seen them make asses of themselves by getting drunk at other weddings, or that you're sorry, but the event was limited to only very close family and friends.