BlackberryJam

I've been doing a rewatch with my sister. She has just been introduced to the show. In A Golden Crown I think (we watched four episodes last night), Cersei mentions to Robert losing their first boy. So the story she told Catelyn in Episode 2 about the death of her first child was true. Season 1 gave me more sympathy for our drunken Cers. Robert is a jackass to her. She has a marriage based on hate, a fat drunk husband who routinely fucks whores and admits he could never have loved her. She has no one, aside from Joffrey and Jaime. Jaime really just wants to engage in swordplay and sex. He's admittedly lazy. Joffrey is awful. She's stuck at these tournaments with a disgusting and embarrassing husband. She's also been introduced to her eventual replacement in Sansa. If not for her scenes of crappy parenting of Joffrey and insisting that Lady be killed, I could have almost wished better for her. But really, she's just a giant bitch.

Does Theon's Sword in a Box merit a ranking?

Oh, I think if Jaime could go on another roadtrip with Brienne to get to the Wall, he'd gladly join the Night's Watch.

I'm not sure just anyone would have been able to save Brienne from gang rape. He was tied up and it was only his lie to Locke that saved her. Would the Hound have been able to save her? Probably not. Sure, any decent person would have tried to, probably by trying to break their chains, but few would have succeeded. The quick thinking of Jaime and ability to sell the lie is what saved Brienne. Jaime also listened to Robert banging whores in Season One and probably had to listen to Robert banging Cersei as well. Not to mention the insinuations of what went on between Aerys and his wife. So it's not like he hasn't been in that position before. The thing with Jaime is that after the reveal in Season Three, his interactions in Season One come through so much differently. Particularly, his scene in the Throne Room with Ned. He says in that scene that killing the Mad King felt like justice. Ned insults him for it, although Ned was also snarky about Jaime watching Ned's relatives get burned alive and doing nothing about it. Jaime, of all characters, seems to want power the least. He could have taken the Throne when he killed Aerys. He didn't. He could have gotten himself named Hand. He didn't. He could rule be the Warden of the West and instead became a Kingsguard. So, when you find out his act of killing Aerys wasn't part of the Lannister power move, it's makes him so much more interesting. Jaime is not a good person. The Bran pushing and sisterfucking let us know he will never been the good guy or the hero. But he's certainly not the one note villain he may have appeared in Season One. Season Two Jaime was just enjoying being a snarky bastard. His imprisonment was not going to improve. He wasn't going to beg for mercy. I liked him tied to a post and filthy. I loved his interactions with Catelyn. It was more about him giving zero fucks for her opinion. He invited Catelyn to kill him, and I'm not sure he would have minded if she did. NCW does an excellent job with the role and I find myself interested in his every scene, despite the horrid new hair. I'm interested in where his story goes because I can't predict it. He's not going to win the Iron Throne, definitely, but will he survive? Will he die a hero? A villain? A martyr? At 80 years old with a belly full of wine? Doubt that last one. Too many people want his head on a pike.

Uhm. I pretty sure Jaime's beard of dirty sexy imprisonment is my favorite beard of all. The hair, the mud, the beard, so much better than his new look. Renly's nonMargery beard was pretty sweet as well. Wasn't there a guy in Season 1 at the Starks who had a beard with a ponytail in it? So many beards, they make me swear and swear. I totally forgot the awesomeness of Daddy White Walker in my Father rankings. Idiot me. Daddy White Walker kicks ass.

I'm calling House Hot Pie. Our sigil is a kidney pie. Our words are "You must not give up on the gravy." All other Houses can suck it.

I'm not bothered by the age of the Mountain and the Hound. I expect that having your face burnt off really ages your skin. SPF can't fix that. AG should play a creepy pedophile in the a Lifetime Movie. He's perfect for it. Sansa seemed somewhat into the kiss though. I wonder if they are going to go there with those two. Dany is still boring the crap out of me. I'm not all that impressed with Daario. She's so got Jorah on the hook though. She might as well have asked him to make her chocolate cake and do her laundry saying, "we can't be together, right now." GC was hilarious with Pod and Hot Pie. Her nonverbals were great. That armor is stunning on her. I miss Oberyn. I love everything about him. I loved that he saw through Cersei so completely. I want him to LIVE. ETA: I think they will say Lysa committed suicide. Who didn't think bitch be crazy?

I don't mind them cutting out Brienne wandering around the Riverlands. I do wonder about them killing Biter and Rorge already. I still think we will get Brienne in danger some time before she meets up with Lady Stoneheart. I would have predicted that Brienne's finale scene would have been Biter for this season, but they are really slashing their way forward. If we get Brienne meeting LS at the end of this Season, I have no idea what to expect for Season 5. Unless we have Brienne pulling a Stannis style delay going from the Brotherhood to find Jaime. Shireen needed at the Wall is interesting as well.

American here and I know exactly what you mean. His bottom row of teeth are crooked. I noticed it immediately. I'm not saying I care, but the angle of the shot really made it obvious I think he won't get them perfected. I don't think he needs to. Loving the HotPieness of the episode. Oberyn was perfection. Dinklage showed his acting chops without chewing the scenery.

I can't speak for all Unsullied, just the ones I know, but most were so thrilled at Joffrey's death it never occurred to them that someone not named Cersei would mourn him.

Hmmm...I'd take on best sibling sex action, but Cersei and Jaime win that hands down. Theon's inept groping of Yara and Viserys copping a feel of Daenerys can't compare. How about ranking the fathers of Westeros? 1. Stannis Baratheon. Fathered a smoke assassin but protects daughter from both crazy babymommas. 2. Walder Frey. Will do anything to get his daughters married, even slaughter the wedding guests. 3. Roose Bolton. Supports his son's hobbies and doesn't make him give up his toys. 4. Tywin Lannister. Will go to war to get his son back, only to put him on trial for murder. 5. Ned Stark. Forced sons to watch beheadings. Murdered daughter's pet. 6. Craster. Rapin' the girls. Abandonin' the boys.

No way are the Starks the underdogs. Episode One of the series made perfectly clear "Starks are good; you should root for them and make them your favorites." They are, of course, getting the hero's beatdown before they ultimately prevail. I'm not sure which one of them will prevail, but they've been mapped out as the heroes of the story. Idiots, yes. Underdogs, no. That's my biggest problem with the Starks. We are supposed to root for them but they are so completely utterly fucking stupid that I just want to choke the crap out of them. They are the blonde chicks running through the forest being chased by the axe murderer and going the wrong way and continually looking over their shoulders so they smack into trees. If you want to root for the underdog, I strongly suggest Walder Frey or Balon Greyjoy. Their combined odds of winning the Iron Throne are 600,000:1. Stark odds 5:3. Targaryen 3:1. Baratheon 10:1. Lannisters 1,000,000,000:1. Bolton 400,000:1. Starks are the clear frontrunners, despite being idiots. Yes, the stupid runs strong and deep in them, and some can be explained because they are children, but Ned was what? 50? Catelyn in her 40s? Youth is not an excuse for those two.

The only good Stark is a Stark who is not cluttering up my screen. It should be a Stark bye week every week! On a good note for the Starks though, none of them got any dumber this week. So they've got that going for them.

The return of Shae was so predictable. We'd been hit over the head with Shae-anvils all season. So, 1. Did she testify out of jealous? Fuck. I hate that theory. 2. Was she paid off by Tywin? This seems doubtful. Tywin was the head Judge. He didn't need Shae to have Tyrion found guilty. Also, the case was Tyrion accused by Cersei. She was the crown's (Cersei's) witness. We know Cersei likes the overkill and isn't very smart. 3. I'd like it better if Shae cut a deal with Cersei to save Tyrion's life by testifying against him and Cersei promising to save Tyrion and send him away with Shae. Only Shae would be stupid to believe her. It's not like the girl's got brains to spare. I'm hoping for option three. I fully believe Tywin was playing the long game with Jaime. I think it was always his plan to play Jaime into leaving the Kingsguard, taking the Rock and populating Westeros with little Lannisters. The only way to get Jaime away from Cersei was to make him choose. Tywin agreed to Jaime's deal far too fast for him not to have thought about it earlier. I don't think Tywin ever planned to actually execute Tyrion. Edit: Add me to the slightly annoyed by scenery chewing Dinklage. His nonverbals were great, but the ending speech was the full Nora Desmond. Charles Dance owned that scene.

I don't think we can get Stoneheart in the finale if we are getting Tyrion set free and killing Tywin in the finale. Brienne has to go straight from Stoneheart to Jaime at Pennytree. There will be no time for Jaime to lead a siege on Riverrun and be at Pennytree if Brienne meets Stoneheart in the finale. Jaime would still be in King's Landing at that point. I think it's more likely that we get Brienne attacked by Biter in the finale. Season 5 will give Jaime time to threaten to trebuchet a baby, have Cersei arrested and Brienne be captured by the Brotherhood. (My prediction for Season 5 episode 9.) Season 5 would then end with Jaime burning Cersei's letter and Brienne convincing him to leave Pennytree with her. I love the Jaime/Brienne show, but I think Brienne is only going to get tortured from now until the opening of Season 6. It won't be Theon level, but she's in for some misery. There isn't enough time for her to have enough misery story under her belt before meeting Stoneheart.

Oh, I can buy self-pity from Cersei. She has that in abundance. She was betrothed to Rhaegar then bundled off to Robert. Robert loved another, whored around and occasionally honored her with a black eye or two. Then her brother/lover abandoned her when he got captured, spent a year away from her, she had to tag in the insipid Lancel for sex, her father disrespected her, her son began to turn on her, when her brother/lover came back, he was handless, she was betrothed to a gay guy and then replaced by a younger, prettier more popular queen. And fuck, there wasn't nearly enough wine. Altruistic, compassionate, caring Cersei looking out for the best interest of her children? Not so much. Selfish, manipulative, self-pitying Cersei looking to ensure the destruction of the brother she always hated? I can buy that. Still not liking LH's performance.

Cersei, the woman who was totally fine with Bran being pushed out the window, who wanted little Arya beaten as punishment in episode 2, who let her son have Sansa beaten on the regular in King's Landing, can't break my heart with her "Little girls.." line. It was a lovely little manipulation line, but screamed hypocrisy. The only children Cersei has ever cared about are her own. Myrcella and Tommen have some value in their own right, but it was Cersei's parenting that helped Joffrey become a complete horrorshow. I do love Tywin so. I'm going to miss him. And I understand why they had the Tywin/Cersei conversation but I don't think Tywin ever wanted to put that much trust in her. I also liked how he was completely silent when she mentioned Jaime. Was Jaime wearing Widow's Wail in the first scene?

I saw it as Cersei trying to manipulate the judges as well. I'm just not feeling LH's performances this season. She's just a little bland. I don't feel pity or fear or compassion. She's just...reading the lines. Tommen is a cutie. He's so sweet, especially in comparison to Joffrey. And hey, Cers, Joff wasn't your first born, was he? Unless you were weaving that tale to Catelyn about losing your first child for kicks. The Craster's Keep storyline kind of bores me, and I felt awful for Hodor. Locke getting killed was a bit of a bonus. Dany is BORING. Pod and Brienne were cute, but it seemed a smidge out of place in this episode. Pod is tied to Tyrion and Brienne is tied to Jaime, both of who weren't in the episode at all. It was nice to hear that Brienne is heading to the Wall instead of wandering all over the Riverlands. Why is it that I was fine with the murdering part of the episode but completely disgusted by the Lysa Arryn sex sounds?

I had to do a spittake there. I haven't watched GH in years because of the mini-moobster. I would do Game of Thrones characters on GH, but every single GoT character, even Ser Pounce, is smarter than anyone on GH. I would be besties with Cersei before asking Carly WhatevertheFuckHerLastNameIsNow to spare a square in the ladies room. It would be an insult to every character everywhere to stick them on GH. Machiavelli leads me to The Borgias, I would give good money to have Sean Harris in full Micheletto lurking in the background of Game of Thrones scenes. Someone needs a pet assassin. Please.

Jaime seems more Sonny than Joffrey. Jaime is the hothead, attacking Ned Stark. Joffrey is more the unnamed Thug who cut off the the horse's head. Tommen is no Michael Corleone. Unfortunately, the Lannisters don't have a Michael. Margery likes the game too much to be Kay. -- Dune Ned Stark is Duke Leto Catelyn is Jessica Jon Snow is Paul Arya is Alia Brienne as Shadout Mapes Robb Stark as Duncan Idaho Maester Luwin as Thufir Theon Greyjoy as Gurney Tywin as the Padishah Emperor Cersei as Irulan Olenna Tyrell as Reverend Mother Gauis Roose Bolton as the Baron Harkonnen Walder Frey as Rabban Ramsey Bolton as Piter Locke as Feyd Rautha Daenyres as Chani Jorah Mormont as Stilgar Daario as Jamis Barriston Selmy as Kynes

I think Tyrion would be as happier as Kingmaker than as King. If Tyrion could have Casterly Rock, whores and wine, and no responsibility, he'd be happy as well. Tywin will never let him have the Rock. For Tyrion, someone has got to rule and better it be a Lannister or someone pro-Lannister than someone else. Oh and not those dour, boring Starks. A Stark King would suck all the fun out of Westeros. I'm sure Tywin would have liked to put Jaime on the throne, but Jaime has no ambition. Letting Tyrion rule through Tommen until Tommen is of age wouldn't be the worst idea. Of course, with Cersei screaming for Tyrion's head, that's not going to happen. Tyrion does like the game though. He's better at it than Jaime, who doesn't give a doggy style fuck about it, and better than Cersei who is an idiot.

Oh, I don't think anyone, aside from Varys, gives a flying fuck about the realm. Everyone wants to solidify their own power. Tyrion would be a good leader because he recognizes what is going on. He had a good plan at the Blackwater. He knows the realm needs to stop spending money on stupid crap. Tyrion could keep the water flowing and the debts paid. Was he totally brill? No. He would have gotten the people fed so they'd stop trying to kill all the Lannisters though. But really, nothing would have satisfied Joffrey. No amount of humiliation for Tyrion would have been enough. Tyrion could have sucked his royal dick there at the wedding feast and Joffrey would have demanded more. Impaling himself on Widow's Wail wouldn't have been enough. Joffrey was, undoubtedly, a horrific king. Tyrion would have been amazing in comparison. Tyrion is by far my not favorite character. He's not even my favorite Lannister (Love you, Tywin, KISSES!), but he wouldn't totally suck as king.

Daenerys entire story is boring because it's so isolated from every other story. And I hate stories of "men follow pretty girl and do everything for her because PRETTY." Other than Missandei, are there any other women in Essos? The ratio of men to women appears to be about 10,000:1. We see an occasional woman getting raped or a slave girl, but what happens to the freed women slaves? And the children? Are they straggling along after Dany's army? I wondered how she's feeding them as well. Essos seems a pretty hot arid climate, the amount of water needed alone is staggering. I know they are trying to pull me in with Grey Worm and Missandei but it's not enough to make it interesting. It would help if we knew if Dany had any idea what's going on in Westeros. Has she gotten word about the Red Wedding? Does she know of Joffrey's death? What are her thoughts on Stannis? If she's going to take King's Landing, it would be a good idea to know what is going on in King's Landing first. Has she even tried to make alliances with anyone? Does she know about the reports of White Walkers at the Wall? What's going on in Westeros is a complex tapestry of stories. Dany is a throw rug of conquer/march/conquer/march off to the East.

OOoo....time to rant on the dumbest family in the history of Westeros. Starting with the idiot formerly in charge, Dead Headless Ned. Ned, you complete dolt, when someone tells you NOT to trust them, don't trust them. It's not as if Littlefinger weren't oozing sleaze, but he told you not to trust him. And you did. Not to mention issuing an arrest warrant for the Queen's father. Oh, let's not do things in any sane manner, let's run around screaming HONOR and putting our entire family at risk. IDIOT. Robb Stark. Sends his mother begging the Freys for help and promises to marry one of them, only to break his promise because "Dude, she's hot!" leaving himself without an ally and without an army he desperately needs. Not to mention alienating another huge section of his army with the Karstark beheading because "HONOR!" He's only slightly less stupid than his father. Catelyn Stark. IDIOT. Why would she believe Littlefinger about the dagger? Littlefinger, who tells people not to trust him and runs brothels. No one should ever believe anything he says. And then, she puts her trust in the Kingslayer. STUPID STUPID STUPID. Sansa Stark. The girl without a backbone. Pull the string in her back and she repeats "I love Joffrey. I am loyal to my king" but behind his back she manages to always trust the wrong person. And cry a lot. Sophie Turner does an excellent cry. She also does an excellent mean girl when she's nasty to the servants. Unpleasant, weepy but her stupidity can be blamed on youth and genetics, I suppose. Bran. Not yet an idiot. He is the Lorax who speaks for the trees. Rickon. I keep forgetting he exists. Arya. Only a few stupid acts, like not having her indebted killer go after Tywin immediately. Otherwise, the most likable of all Starks. Jon Snow. Rocketing up the list to just behind Arya on the likability of Stark scale. He's moved away from the emo-boy of the first three seasons. He now fights authority, but authority still wins. So far. So, my final ranking of the Starks, best to worst. 1. Arya. - Not an idiot. 2. Jon. - Less of an idiot. 3. Bran. - Growing roots. 4. Rickon. - No personality is better than the ones ranked lower. 5. Robb. - Dead and stupid, but pretty before that whole beheading thing. 6. Sansa. - Can she ever make a decision? 7. Catelyn. - Dead because she trusted all the wrong people, a skill she learned from... 8. Ned. - The dumbest, deadest Stark of them all.

Exactly. The theory that Jaime made up the story of the killing of Aerys is practically a sieve. It makes absolutely no sense. None of the characters in GoT is someone I'd befriend or even like. And I cheer for some of their deaths. I own it. I was kinda thrilled when Ned Stark bit it because he was a dour, stupid tool making massive mistake after massive mistake. There is no doubt that Joffrey was the worst of the major characters and I was thrilled when he died as well. I'd be happy to kill off Margery but I want to see more of Roose Bolton. A character does not have a to be a good person to be likable. I love Jaime. I want him to win every time. If it's a battle between Jaime and almost anyone else, I want him to win. I loved Jaime the moment he shoved Bran out the window because it was so perfectly audacious.