JocelynCavanaugh

We all knew where Rachel was going within two seconds when she launched into the soliloquy about “my father once told me, he said to me, about in the future… when I am grown, if I am to become married… and if I am married and the man decides, if that man, who I married at my wedding, chooses to leave me... if he leaves and we are no longer then married… then what I should therefore… what will I then this, if the man does would leave me…” OMFG GET THERE. WE KNOW. “Go to school. Be able to support yourself. Spring for the good insurance. Life is unpredictable.” This is not a unique insight. Again, I call BS on the master’s degree. Jose is so desperate to keep playing the role of a lifetime — straight man who likes women — that he will sit through these speeches. But I’m not. I’m going to start hitting Skip Forward a lot more if Rachel won’t. Please, Lifetime, let me guest edit a season as a reward for being a super fan. I have some ideas I think you’ll like, such as: not showing the same shit 1,000 times, based on the theory that most viewers do not have amnesia. Not using increasingly deceptive editing that borders on libel and fraud just to keep people watching. Not assuming the average viewer has the IQ of a trilobite. It’s wild, I know, but just give me a chance!

Since I'm still new to the Below Deck world, I didn't have any opinions on Sandy or Malia when starting this season. So far, I haven't seen any of the toxicity Malia is known for (not saying it doesn't exist, just not on this season that I've noticed), but she has a sick body! Kinda jealous/don't blame David for being into her "work ethic" (which I assume means "perfect abs"). Sandy has mostly been fine, if a little too interested in being the crew's buddy, but I have been frustrated with her in how she's shrugged off Katie's attempts to deal with Lexi. Yes, it would be nice if Katie were more assertive about it, but I can understand if she's trying to manage Sandy's ego and maybe avoid becoming another most-hated Cheese Shoe like the infamous June June Hannah. I thought it was horrendous management to invite Lexi's shit-stirring little self into the meeting when Katie was trying to warn her, and then later to dismiss all of Katie's concerns with "just try to support her." That's advice for dealing with someone who's new and unsure of themselves, or going through a tough time but keeping it mostly to themselves. Not for someone who physically and verbally assaults their co-workers, which Sandy may not have known, but that's because she kept interrupting to spout platitudes. Some blame is on Katie for not leading with: "guess who rubbed their tits on Lloyd. Hint: same person who shoved Mzi and called him a weird, inaccurate slur!" -- but the lion's share is on the captain. Captains are literally a metaphor for being in charge of the ship and going down with it if necessary! Sandy, all we're asking is for you to zip it for a sec and let Katie finish explaining why Miss Bahamas 2013 is not going to make it to the final round.

Since we recently discovered this show, my husband and I just started BD Season 2 in BVI (2014). In the first episode, Kate says something to the effect of “God help me if I’m still doing this in 5 years.” It looks like she just squeaked under that deadline! (Maybe this was addressed in a season I haven’t watched yet.) I wonder if 2014 Kate would say that Galley Talk counts as getting out of yachting I also learned, thanks to the professionally edited and highly reputable wikicelebs.com, that Kate “is a bio-sexual personality.”

His name is Lloyd! I rarely find myself feeling bad for the white men in a given workplace but OMG.

Nooo!!! Don’t even give the universe the idea! Somebody burn some sage, stat!

Compassion is taught in reformed churches. Maybe not all of them, and people can certainly fail to implement it, but they’re not mutually exclusive. A MacBook Pro is expensive upfront, but it can handle a lot of programs at once (I’m usually running two browsers, Word, Notepad, Excel, Acrobat, and Mendeley, at minimum) and should last 5+ years if you take care of it. A good investment for a scholar if you can manage the initial cost. My 2017 is still bopping along. It’s even been to Serbia! I don’t post on social media much, but my note-taking/research/course planning setup doesn’t look too different from JerBear’s. It’s not really that freakish to take notes neatly, and if the professor uses a metaphor, you might doodle the image to help you remember the concept. My mom jokes that she didn’t do great in organic chemistry in college, but she used stencils for the bond diagram things (she probably calls them the correct name) and had neat handwriting, so people would pay to photocopy them! I’m not a big Jeremy fan; I’ve just been in that world and known guys like him. Notably, I did not marry one. (It became clear when I attended a John Piper conference and met up with several of my friends…’ husbands… that I was not reformed wifey material due to my pesky desire for higher education and a career, not eleven babies named Java Spurgeon Jesus Lily or whatever.) All that to say, I think a lot of the things the Vuolos do are read through a much more sinister lens than they deserve, because of who does them. I get why people don’t like him. He has big tool energy, no sense of humor, and I have never been convinced that he truly loves Jinger or thinks of her as an equal adult human. But he has a lot of the same trappings as more decent and less hypocritical people in that same milieu, and a lot of it really is harmless. They all use MacBooks, hoard theology books, care too much about coffee (another disqualifier for me — I hate it!), and generally go along with fads the way young people do in any clique. It’s entirely possible to be kind of a dick but also a Christian with good note-taking hygiene.

Two of the hottest men on earth, both rich AF and arguably talented — kind of an unfair standard for Amy or Caryn, IMO!

Exactly! Introversion has such a negative rap in our culture, and it's unfair! Sociologists estimate that most populations are about 50/50 introvert/extravert, and that that's normal and healthy. Both types are good and contribute in their own ways. In our culture, the self-reported introverts are much lower because (almost) nobody wants to be thought of as awkward and antisocial. Like Yeah No, I'm an introvert but I'm also outgoing and not very shy. I just need a lot of time to myself to recharge. Extraverts recharge by being around others. (In my cynical opinion, that's because they're sapping it out of us introverts, but don't mind me!) Ryan may well be an introvert, but as you said, that is not why he's so hard to interact with. This is also another terrible example of these marriages being set up as therapy for one of the spouses, 90% of the time the woman. Brett and Ryan should be equally responsible for trying to get to know each other and make the marriage work if possible. It's really hard to tell with Ryan how much of his personality is shaped by grief (mostly temporary), or how much is due to aloofness, awkwardness, or just not being interested in Brett. Regardless, he needs to try harder and stop bringing up her hair color like it's a personality trait.

On iPhone, you can set it to keep messages for 30 days, 1 year, or "forever." Johnny probably has his set to 1 year and Bao to forever, which seems almost too easy as far as metaphors go.

That makes sense! How do you know this? Not being snotty -- just wondering since the show makes us do our own research.

Yes! He has mentioned manliness a few times now. It seems like he's very self-conscious about that concept. Not very related, but his graffiti-style handwriting on the Fiscal Year 2020-21 Official Budget Home Decor was cracking me up. Nobody does personal finance quite like the Latin Kings.

Jose's mannerisms are killing me. I have never seen a straight man with that many stereotypically gay affectations. Maybe he really does like women. It is technically possible. I would not bet more than $5 on it. If you don't believe me, re-watch the scene where he gets into bed on the wedding night. Girlfriend is straight-up squeeing. I need to be able to play Rachel's scenes at 1.5x speed. She takes forever to plod through the most obvious, redundant statements. I'm starting to suspect that master's degree is from a diploma mill. I also enjoyed her family's explanation that she couldn't keep her home or car clean because she was too focused on grad school. I managed to get through my degrees without living in squalor, as did pretty much everyone I knew, but whatever makes you feel better, I guess. Zack's mouth says "my wife is great, I'm so happy, yay" but his eyes say "kill me now." Has there ever been a couple who slept together on the first or second night and then stayed married? Brett and Bao share a habit of going super negative for no reason. It's hard to watch. Neither is a terrible person but they can be such buzzkills! Myrla may indeed be a terrible person; at the very least, she's a "snob and a half," as an actual rich person in a movie once said. Michaela is redlining emotionally at all times. Ryan appears to be on benzos and his occasional humor does not reach Brett's brain. Gil is either not perceptive at all or choosing to ignore a lot of bad signs. This show really should be called ...And That's Why You Were Single! We now know that Johnny ghosted Bao at some point, while she kept his number and texts for years. He says kissing her is like kissing his sister, while she says that kissing him is a good sign about how he would be "as a lover" (puke). She and her catty friends gleefully confirm that she hated the "home and away"-themed wedding gift he was so proud of. He tells her she looks great in the white dress; she responds "yeah." Y'all, hear me out on this: they're not compatible just because they're both Asian. My husband said that when Bao went to breakfast with Johnny's family, the translation on screen was wrong: Bao did not use the honorific term for "auntie." (That would be the term my husband's family uses for his mother, so he definitely would've heard it. It's more like a cross between "auntie" and "HBIC.") Their speech is really accented/tonal, so we wondered if maybe they're from the north, with more Chinese influence and less French. Bao said she would win Johnny's dad over by speaking Vietnamese to him, and if the editing is accurate (LOL), Johnny went along with it. Either he didn't feel like telling her that his dad speaks Mandarin, or his dad also speaks Vietnamese, but they just use Mandarin as their special secret language for some reason. I continue to be fascinated by this show's refusal to explain shit. They will run the same footage literally 8-12 times in a season, but gloss over or totally skip major plot points. Then the cast has to explain on Unfiltered or social media -- which they often do so horribly that it doesn't even help -- or we just never get an explanation. Here's Johnny crying about how his dad doesn't approve of the wedding again -- that's at least three times now, which I'm sure he is thrilled about -- but God forbid we ever explain what exactly his dad is doing in California, whether his parents divorced or he just took off, and why they don't speak Vietnamese to each other. Did the producers really think no one would notice? I'm not that hung up on this language thing, necessarily. It's just a concrete example of the kind of horrible editing this show gives us every season. 1. Quit showing the same stuff over and over. We're not newborns. Most of us have very strong object permanence skills. 2. Show more stuff. The important stuff. Look into world-building, or narrative arcs, or, like, basic journalism. I'd rather know more about daily lives and less about how they react to stupid/borderline abusive "exercises" from the feckless experts. 3. Quit matching people with spouses they are guaranteed to clash with. I promise it can still be a good show even if you don't purposely troll people's actual hopes and dreams. 4. SHOW THE FOOD. All their wedding plates were covered by table decorations. We barely saw any brunch. I need to know what they ate! 5. Quit making these people say "I got married at first sight because..." It's obvious! They're fuckups in the romance department, and possibly several other departments! Less of that and more explaining who the hell all these random people are and what crucial background info they're dancing around.

I appreciated Mat's apology tour, too! Then on Galley Talk, Kate said "nobody is that good at apologizing unless they have a lot of practice" and that was kind of a good point. But I would still take Mat's apologies over Lexi's "sorry you were offended"/"I shouldn't have to apologize if I don't remember doing it" nonsense. That girl is going to end up in prison one of these days. She'll mouth off to a cop somewhere, get thrown in jail for the night, piss off every bondsman in the area, talk back to the judge, slap the bailiff, harangue her lawyers until they surrender their law licenses, and threaten to sue the CO's at intake. Then it will be Lexi Behind Bars and Lexi After Lockup time.

They always list Coppola Vineyards (or whatever it's called) in the Special Thanks credits. Definitely sponsored.

It is "in" now. It popped up on Bling Empire, too. The last time I hosted a thing back when things were hosted, I was trying to plan a "signature" cocktail (not very original but I tried) and it needed a vodka that wouldn't be too sweet. I asked the slightly younger Millennials who were helping and before I could name three options, they were all like "TITO'S"! I still have about 1/3 of the bottle because we don't really drink at home, so I used some in a pie crust. Super fancy. I'm fairly new to the Below Deck world, finally convinced to watch by Reality Gays. This is the only season I've seen with Malia and she has seemed fine so far except the scene where she's mouthing off to Sandy. Overall, it seems like a really chill team other than Lexi and Mat.

I have lost all patience with every single one of these morons. They are all selfish losers who can’t or won’t think even a week ahead about how their choices will affect themselves or others. But above all, I despise that derpy fuckface caveman shithead Asuelu and his 14th century peasant mentality and having the moai ass audacity to gatekeep Samoan identity. Run back to your hag shrew mommy please. Live on taro and screaming since according to you that’s what “real” Samoans do. Kalani is a fool for piling so many mistakes onto her first huge one. Accidentally get knocked up by a giant mean baby? Bad. Get knocked up AGAIN and marry the ugly stupid baby? Girl. No. Salvage some dignity. I don’t think even Blonde Mormon Jesus wants you on a planet with that toxic shit-stirring lug for time and eternity, much less on Samoa which most likely has far less Amazon Prime and air conditioning than Utah. And TLC, hear this: no one wants an entire series of Florida Man Fistfights on the Lanai. NO ONE.

They don’t, actually. Vietnamese and Japanese cultures are really different. The generalizations about how “Asians” are would not fly here if applied to any other ethnic groups. Nor would “these people are adorable together because they’re both black” or “all Hispanics are loud and emotional.” I’m not going to say it’s racist as fuck, but I’m getting close to saying it.

Somewhere between Clay and Scotty McCreery for me, but of course also Elf on the Shelf. The apple shape life is so unfair. You could have size 4 thighs and size 6 hips, but the stupid belly would have you buying size 10 jeans. The ideal weight range for women may vary through time and culture, but the smaller waist/bigger hips body has always been dominant, so that’s what clothes are made to fit. You can’t even find decent options in the “swimsuits for every body type” articles! It’s just small waist/big hips, small waist/huge hips, skinny everywhere, skinny with big boobs, but nobody bothers trying to dress the 🍎… However, Angela would not be the only apple ever to buy the size that fit her hips and then stuff the rest in or wear the pants low, beneath the belly! And she’s always used her bosom as a tote bag so I assume she buys foundation garments at the luggage shop.

Whenever Katie says her job title it sounds like she’s calling herself the Cheese Shoe.

That ssss sound is called sibilance, and it’s so unpleasant you can get software that removes it from any vocals you record!

Big Phi Delt energy

The season preview didn’t build anticipation; it gave away far too much. Once you know the MAFS tricks you can pretty much infer the endings. Cool strategy, Lifetime. Two-stepping is hard to learn because the rhythm is a little unusual, at least to me, plus the whole “backwards in heels” thing. “Well you’re gonna learn” can be kind of hot coming from a handsome new acquaintance on a Friday night at Midnight Rodeo (in fact it was a Ryan who said it to me, too… 🤠), but maybe not on TV, in front of your family and friends, at your wedding to a stranger. Brett could’ve handled it better but I get why that stressed her out. Despite my misgivings about Bao, I don’t think she should have to be the only one to change when it comes to physical affection. I never understood why the touch level has to be to the liking of the person who wants more — especially if that’s the man (in a hetero pair). Why is more more more touchy feely needy clingy gropey automatically the superior mode? Some people find that overstimulating, emotionally demanding, maybe even a little base or uncouth. Perhaps we should honor that instead of sideeying or calling the woman (always the woman, right, Pepper?) “cold.” Same with Myrla and money. I think she’s kind of a cruel and haughty person, BUT if she’s earning that money and not hurting or defrauding anyone, then she has the right to buy all the tacky, ostentatious labels she desires. Gil is equally entitled to his frugal lifestyle. As others have said, this is just a bad match, physically, financially, and temperamentally. Zach and Michaela may be hoping for a Woody and Amani story, but I’m afraid it’s taking a sharp left into Brandon and Taylor Town, current population: 0. Soon to be 2, then 0.

On the Never Before Scene for this episode, Lexi tells Malia that she has a tattoo "by her vagina." Did... her... gynecologist install it or...? Maybe that's why she changed her claim of a biology degree to physics. Most universities want the bio majors to pass A&P.

I don't watch Ashley's segments because I've barely been able to make room in my heart for Jade or Brianna. Does she live full-time as a Mya-in-the-Lady-Marmalade-video impersonator? Leah continues to be dumber than the rear tire on her junk-filled SUV. Every time she says "breassssst," every snake within 100 miles goes on high alert. Also I don't believe she's been totally clean and sober as long or consistently as she claims.

I felt bad for Courtney and Lloyd! Courtney is such an extrovert and has said she doesn’t want to be in laundry all the time because guest service is more social. (This stuck with me because I’m such an introvert, I’d gladly trade with her!) Then the guests forgot her name, and she was totally right that they rewarded Lexi for a bare minimum of decency. Those cakes were absolutely shameful, though. Couldn’t someone Google cake decorating hacks? It was kind of funny/sad when everyone else was gathering around Lloyd and the cameras cut to Lexi standing on the banquette, fishing around in a cabinet and complaining about the lack of healthy snacks. Like, this is the best we can hope for during hot tub drinking times: Lexi is off somewhere else, keeping herself occupied with a mild irritation and not actively harming others. Neither Lexi nor Mat will ever stop being self-centered and dramatic if people like Sandy (and, to an extent, Katie) give them no reason to.