Zappa died in my hands earlier this evening and it was my fault and I can't stop crying.
She's been doing really badly the past couple of months. She was old and after her allergic reaction, she ended up having infected eyes and a bum leg she would drag behind her. My cousin just kept saying she was old but didn't want to do anything about it medically speaking.
Yesterday she looked terrible. She's had problems with her eyes the past month, they were watery and almost completely shut. And yesterday I saw that the fur that had started to come in, was falling out again. She had a white crust on her skin and some parts looked blackish. She was also having problems using her back legs and would drag herself by her front paws.
I went to my vet today to pick up food for Steve and asked the girl working there was there was something I could do, but she said Zappa would need a consult, and then it was a matter of pain meds, or euthanasia.
I went to change her cage today and give her fresh water. She was just huddled by her water bottle not moving and half asleep. I scooped her up and held her in my palm for about 20 minutes and she barely moved. I kept trying to get a look at her back but couldn't. It looked like there was a crack almost, and it looked painful but I couldn't be sure. And this is where I fucked up. I got a q-tip and gently tried to part her fur. Honestly, I barely touched her, just grazed the tip of her fur but she freaked out. Started running through my hair and slipped into the sink. I grabbed her and she ran across my arm and fell and I couldn't catch her in time and she fell on the floor and peed herself. And I scooped her up and held her and she just stopped breathing and god I feel so bad. I never should have touched her. Why did I try and see what was happening with her fur? I should have left her alone and I can't stop crying about it. If I hadn't tried to see what was wrong, she would still be alive.
My cousin came over and insisted it wasn't my fault, that she was old, but it's killing me. We buried her in the flower garden on my grandpa's yard.