Explain it to Me Like I'm Lily: Recaps for the Disenchanted

[peach]

If Chelsea has a secret, then everyone has to keep secrets for her.

If Chelsea doesn't want to have secrets, then no one can have a secret.

Ugh, I just hate her now. She is ruining Victoria's Secret.

[LeftPhalange]

 

Yeah, he'll wait about five minutes. Dollars to donuts he'll be back there tomorrow to check up on her.

 

I need clingy ass Stitch to have a damn seat and chill. 

[Snaporaz]

This was a pretty fun recap for such a dull episode!  Some highlights for me:

 

Chloe is slyly closing the door of his room and pretending she’s Victoria to mostly passed out Billy. Maybe he’ll throw up on her.

I was SO hoping this was going to happen!  It would have provided some nice symmetry to Sticky in the Park.

 

 

For some insane reason, Lily has just surprised Kelly in her hotel room. She’s even brought popcorn. I mean, I’ve heard of voyeurism, but popcorn?

This was one of the most bizarre scenes ever.  How did Lily even know Kelly had a hotel room?  For about two seconds, I'd thought Y&R was making some foray into surrealism.

 

 

Super squint of confusion.

HA!  Perfect!  Billy does have a wide variety of squints in his arsenal!

Edited May 7, 2014 by Snaporaz

[peach]

Wed May 6

Oh, it’s a Schick day! Cheer or groan, whatever’s your thing. Nick and Sharon walk in the park and talk about how happy Faith is. Nick says it’s because Shick got back together, and it’s the only thing she’s ever wanted. Sharon says it’s the only thing SHE’S ever wanted too, and they kiss. Nick was really scared when Sharon said they should stay away from each other, and Sharon again says she just wanted to spare them the pain of breaking up again. That is not gonna happen, according to Nick. What about the secret? Nick is OVER it. He’s banning the word “secret.” Omg, what will everyone talk about in Genoa City? Sharon says it’s still out there, though, and Nick says if she spends her time worrying about it, then Dad wins. DO NOT LET VICTOR WIN, Sharon.

Nikki’s waiting for a table at the club. A table for one. Victor walks in. He was just on his way to the gym, but he could join her for dinner? She says she’ll just go eat in her suite. He tells her they need to talk in private, she owes him that much. Owes him for what?

Sharon says this is not an invention of Victor’s, her therapist confirmed that she was terrified of losing Nick over some secret. Uh-oh, Sharon said the “secret”’ word. Nick says there’s going to start being a penalty for that. They flirt and kiss some more. Sharon notices Mariah booking it through the park. “Cassie!” she calls. “Wait!”

Colin wants to know about his surprise. Jill says their ship has finally come in. She has solved the mystery of the music box. Colin looks a bit skeptical. You can’t con a con. Or can you?

The world’s most giant hypocrite and buttinski is at Billy’s door. Billy tells Chelsea he’s at the intersection of drunk and hungover, so be gentle, whatever she’s there for. She says that won’t be easy…it’s about Victoria.

Victoria stands in her living room and imagines she’s telling Billy about the pregnancy. She tells him it’s the best news he can imagine, they are going to have everything they ever wanted. She turns around and reveals a six month baby bump. Billy…squints. Stitch barges in, and…no wait, he still can’t barge into daydreams..yet. Billy is so happy, he can’t believe it..How?? He says it’s a miracle, Victoria says it’s a sign that they need to forgive each other, and be together as a family. Billy smiles and touches her baby belly…uh-oh, this is a nightmare. Billy frowns and says something is wrong. “Is it mine??”

The doorbell rings and interrupts Victoria’s bummer fantasy. It’s THE Abby Newman, high up on her horse. She asks Vicky who she was expecting, the husband or the boyfriend? And just waltzes on in. Victoria doesn’t want to hear about fixing things with Billy, but Abby tells her “this is about something much more important than you. This is about me, and Tyler.” Victoria stabs her with her pregnancy test. Just kidding. Abby says Tyler has another woman in his life, and she won’t believe who it is. Is it “I Don’t Give A Shit?”

Sharon asks Cassie not to go. Mariah reminds her that her name is not Cassie. Sharon knows this, but it’s still Cassie’s face. Nick and Mariah argue. He thinks she’s still on Victor’s payroll, but she insists Victor bullied her into everything. Sharon tells them both to stop it.

Nikki and Victor go to her suite. Nikki’s like she TOOK the room so she could have some space, which he is not respecting. Her hair looks really good. He wants her to come home, but he’s not going to apologize. If Victor is wrong, he doesn’t want to be right. He tells her that Ian Ward lives right down the hall, which she didn’t know, and there is nothing to stop him from coming right to her door and knocking on it. You mean…like he does at your house? Nikki says it’s good he has a security team tailing her then, and did he think she didn’t notice? She waxes on about how he took her out of the bayou, and how they are soulmates, and how caring and generous he is. And that’s why it kills her that he goes around hurting everyone. Like using Chelsea to break up Billy and Victoria. Victor rolls his eyes like yada, yada, yada. Nikki says she accepted that, and she shouldn’t have. She doesn’t know how much more she can take.

Billy’s not really interested in Chelsea’s story because he wants to go sleep his drunk off. Chelsea says Victoria was upset, and Billy’s like what’s new. He can imagine what she said about him. Chelsea’s like probably not. But he needs to hear it. But Billy isn’t interested, Chelsea. Her mouth drops open like he called her fat. Here she is ready to spill her sanctimonious story and he doesn’t even CARE.

Colin’s excited, how much money are they talking? Jill says right now, not a cent. He’s confused. Jill says this will clear it all up for him, and hands him a picture that he finds surprising. He frowns and says, you’re kidding me, right? She is NOT kidding him, this is the key to them getting what they deserve.

It’s a picture of a dog. It’s not just any dog according to Jill. It was Katherine’s beloved childhood pet…named Rachel. Colin says who calls a dog Rachel? NO ONE, THAT’S WHO. But Jill insists it’s so, and she checked the handwriting <eyes glazing over> and something proves it’s the dog. Blah blah blah music box. Colin isn’t very excited. Neither am I.

Sharon still thinks she can find out more about what she confided to Cassie/Mariah. Sharon says she knows she told Cassie something about Phyllis. Mariah confirms this. Nick is like, PHYLLIS?! IKR, Nick? He wants to know how Sharon found this part out. Oh, ummm, she spoke to Victor.

Victor insists he was right about Billy Abbott, wasn’t he? Nikki says so what if you were? You caused Victoria more pain and heartache than Billy ever could. Victor says if Victoria had listened to his advice she could be married to a decent man right now instead of that loser and gambler, Billy Abbott! Nikki’s like it wasn’t ADVICE. You manipulated her life. “Because she’s not doing what’s best for her. She never learns. Neither does our son.” Blah blah Sharon’s secret blah destroy everyone blah blah. “IDIDWHATIHADTODO!” Nikki’s like it’s always I-I-I-I-I with you. They aren’t just HIS children, they are OUR children, and they’re supposed to be partners. They are NOT partners.

Colin thinks Jill’s story is far-fetched. Jill compares it to Rosebud in Citizen Kane. Colin says it still doesn’t really get them closer to the money. Jill says it’s a good thing he didn’t marry her for that money, then, huh? That it was all for love. Colin decides they should follow up on the dog thing. Blahblahblah, Colin’s going to dig in the basement.

Victor doesn’t get what Nikki’s problem is. “I haven’t changed since the day we met, yet you seem continually surprised by my actions.” Ha! Point to Victor. She says she’s not asking him to be a saint, but she’s worried this time he’s gone too far, and she will never see him the same way again. He’s like desperate times call for desperate measures. He had to take extraordinary measures to [get even with] deal with a dangerous woman. And if Cassie had done her damn job, Sharon would be out of their lives, but instead she still poses a great danger.

Nick wants to know why Sharon talked to his dad about this. That was not Nick approved. She had to find out what Victor knew, which wasn’t much. “Except for the part about Phyllis,” says Nick. Yep, Phyllis is always classified as “much.” Victor told her Mariah heard Sharon say that Phyllis knew what she was keeping from Nick. He turns on Mariah and demands to know what else she heard from Sharon. Mariah says nothing. Again with the Phyllis. Nick says he doesn’t believe Mariah. He’s like, Sharon, this girl looks like Cassie, but she is NOT on your side. Just the same, Sharon wants five minutes alone with her.

Abby explains that Tyler’s ex, Mariah the Pariah, was the one posing as Cassie. Mariah slithered into town to try to lure Tyler back, which is NEVER going to happen according to THE Abby Newman, and somehow crossed paths with their dad. And the rest is history. Abby’s like, I don’t usually feel sorry for Sharon, but losing your memory because your brain got zapped? Even Abby thinks that is some real bullshit. Victoria says it’s unimaginable. So anyway, Mariah isn’t just a piece a work, she’s actually dangerous, and that’s where Victoria comes in. Vicky is surprised, like doesn’t she have enough problems? Really. But Abby says first she wants to know how Victoria’s feeling because to be honest, she kinda looks like hell. Maybe from the harassment she endures from all her friends and family.

Billy doesn’t need Chelsea to tell him Victoria is upset. He thinks she wants to pay him back for helping her with Connor, but he did that because he’s not a despicable guy. He doesn’t need payback. She says that’s not why she’s there. She’s there because she wants to make up for all her own despicable actions by ruining other people’s lives with her newfound honesty. She tells Billy she thinks she can help him. Him and Victoria. Right, this is going to be a really big help.

Nick agrees to let Sharon speak to Mariah alone, but he WON’T be far. Glare. Mariah says she won’t be getting a Christmas present from him anytime soon. Sharon says there’s a way for Mariah to make up for all of this. Mariah, as usual, just wants out of there. Sharon pushes about what the deal was with Phyllis. Mariah says she tried her hardest to get it out of Sharon, and never could. And who is this Phyllis anyway? “Is she a friend of yours or something?” Hahahaha. Old school Phyllis would scare the crap out of Mariah.

Oh, you want to know about Phyllis?? Sharon tells her about how PHYLLIS had an affair with NICK, when they were married (which is what an affair is), and then PHYLLIS got PREGNANT with Summer, which that totally sucked…and then it turned out that Nick wasn’t really the father, and…well, it’s complicated. It’s not really that complicated. Nick lied. That’s kind of simple. Mariah’s like, y’all are kinda crazy. Mariah sits down with Sharon. Uh-oh, she’s getting kind of hooked. She says, “Don’t you think it’s weird that the only woman who knows your secret, is the woman who messed around with your husband?” “YES,” says Sharon. “VERY.” Ha. Now Mariah can see why it’s so important for Sharon to figure out what’s going on, because f’ing PHYLLIS is involved.

Victoria says she’s just a little tired. She would much rather talk about Abby. That tells you how bad Vic’s situation is. Abby says as her matron of honor, it’s Victoria’s job to do anything it takes to make sure Mariah doesn’t do anything to spoil her wedding. I thought she just had to listen to her whine and throw the bachelorette party. That’s a tall order. Victoria asks if Mariah would even try since they now have their eye on her. Blahblahblah Tyler love blahblah. He’s great because Abby knows she can be kind of [insane] high maintenance. But Tyler thinks a woman that knows her own mind (and forces it on everyone else) is sexy. Omg, Abby, men just say that. She thinks they really are the perfect match. Blahblah happiness blah BABIES blah love forever. Victoria breaks down crying, and Abby actually feels sorry. Victoria says she doesn’t want to censor Abby’s happiness but she needs a break right now. Aw, poor Victoria. :(

Billy says his head is pounding, so Chelsea can just write whatever she wants to say on a piece of paper and leave him alone. She’s like do you WANT to get back together with Victoria or not? YES! But he’s sick and tired of everyone badgering him about how to save his relationship. He says it all makes it worse. He yells at her and says he’s NEVER going to listen to anything SHE has to say, anyway, because the whole reason his marriage is ruined is because of HER beloved husband. Ohhhh, now she’s pissed. She’s like, oh, so Adam MADE you sleep with another woman?? “You’re damn right he did. If Billy hadn’t been so desperate after Delia’s death, none of this would have happened. It’s ALL on ADAM. Chelsea just shakes her head in anger.

Nikki is worried that Victor sounds like he’s gearing up for another attack. If someone makes a move on his family, he will come after them. Nikki says when is he going to learn he doesn’t have to prove he’s a good father? When has he proved that? Nikki says he’s super wonderful because he gave those kids everything and fought fiercely for them, but now it’s too fiercely. She asks if Adam is what ruined his sensitivity and fatherly fatherness? That doesn’t even MAKE SENSE. He yells at her to stop her psychobabble and come home where she belongs. SHE CANNOT! SHE CANNOT. She has to stay at the club. She love love loves him but she has to stay at the club. Victor holds her face and says she belongs with him, as he belongs with her. K? They embrace. She needs time to think. Just let her think.

Victor says just to tell him all her criticism and recriminations mean nothing, and that she wants them to be together. Of COURSE that’s what she wants, but what she wants and what she needs are two different things.

Chelsea is mad. She says Billy is so full of it to blame Adam for not keeping his pants zipped. He’s like, he killed my little girl! Chelsea’s like, yeah, that was unfair and tragic, but that’s the end of Adam’s responsibility. Yeah, get over it Billy. Why does everyone have to give Adam such a hard time over causing tragedy and stuff? She says Billy is responsible for his relationship, and he’s the only one who can save it. She’s standing there giving him that opportunity right now. He says, fine, go ahead and say it. And THE Abby Newman bursts in! She really needs to talk to Uncle Billy, so, um, hit the bricks, Chelsea. Chelsea is glad to leave, and Billy’s like after ALL THAT, you’re not going to say anything?? Chelsea’s a bitch, Billy, didn’t you know that? Chelsea says all the signs are telling her to keep her mouth shut, so sayonara, sucker. She slams the door. Abby says what was that all about? And Billy is confused and still kind of drunk.

Mariah, in a much more honest way, tells Sharon she really doesn’t know anything else to tell her. She asks why Sharon doesn’t ask Phyllis. Oh, that? She met with some sort of accident and is in a coma. Ah. Mariah say you probably aren’t going to get much out of her, then. Sharon says she wishes there was some way she could unlock the answers in her head. Mariah says, well, she’s not a hypnotist, and her five minutes are up, so she has to go. She tells Nick he can stop worrying, and heads on her way. Nick asks if Mariah was any help, and Sharon says yes, even if she didn’t realize it. I guess hypnotism’s next, you guys.

Jill pretends she found Rachel the dog’s ashes, and then locks Colin in the attic.

Billy doesn’t know what is up with Chelsea, she just came barging in with life-changing news and then it was like “never mind.” Well, that’s fine, because now Abby can talk about herself and her news. She tells Billy that Victoria was, you guessed it, upset. That Abby was prattling on about marriage and babies and Vic started crying and asked her to leave. Abby says Victoria is all alone and sad and missing her husband, and all he has to do is go over there and put his arms around her and promise never to fool around again. He’s tried that, Abby, duh. She wants him to try again. Billy says that will make her dig her heels in even more.

Chelsea’s bitch rounds aren’t over for the evening, she’s at Victoria’s door now, because this has turned into some demonic version of A Christmas Carol for Victoria. She needs to go into hiding. Chelsea says she went to Billy’s intending to tell him Victoria was pregnant, but she backed down. Vicky asks what changed her mind. Chelsea LIES and says Vicky did, because she started thinking about how she kept Chelsea’s confidence. She figured she owed her the same courtesy. That SHOULD be the reason, but we all know it was because she wanted to stick it to Billy after he dared criticize Adam. Chelsea tells Victoria that secrets like this don’t stay secret. They always have a way of coming out.

Nikki would love to go home with Victor so they could cuddle on the couch and listen to music. He’s like, let’s go. She says if he pressures her he won’t like the response. He says, you belong with me…but I’m not going to make you. He leaves. Nikki cries. Her hands are shaking so hard she can’t pour water. I guess it’s the MS.

Sharon says Mariah denied knowing anything else about Phyllis, but she gave Sharon an idea. She wants to be hypnotized.

Colin figures out he’s locked in the attic. He shouts and shouts for Jill. She says to herself that he better make himself comfortable because it might be a while…a long while. They can lock that music box story in the attic FOREVER.

That’s it for this one!

[Snaporaz]

 

Sharon says Mariah denied knowing anything else about Phyllis, but she gave Sharon an idea. She wants to be hypnotized.

I recommend Neil Winters.  Best hypnotist in Genoa City!

[Joimiaroxeu]

Owes him for what?

For making her an independently wealthy woman from all of their divorce settlements.

 

Her hair looks really good.

Yes, and I like that color on her too. It's funny how much better Nikki starts looking when she's away from Victor.

 

Victor doesn’t get what Nikki’s problem is. “I haven’t changed since the day we met, yet you seem continually surprised by my actions.” Ha! Point to Victor.

Heh. Zach Slater on the old AMC used to have a line he'd always toss out in moments like these: "It's who I am, it's what I do." Deal with it or get to steppin'.

 

Chelsea tells Victoria that secrets like this don’t stay secret. They always have a way of coming out.

Gah, who made Chelsea the Morality Police? This is not a good look for her.

 

Nikki would love to go home with Victor so they could cuddle on the couch and listen to music. He’s like, let’s go. She says if he pressures her he won’t like the response. He says, you belong with me…but I’m not going to make you. He leaves.

After the virtual tongue bath Nikki gave him, Victor probably had to pull over and have a smoke on the way home. Good grief.

 

She wants to be hypnotized.

Sharon getting hypnotized could be comedy gold. "Sharon, when I count back from ten, on zero you'll awake and start clucking like chicken."

 

Colin figures out he’s locked in the attic.

Colin got locked in a room once before, during the Genevieve story. Dusting off old scripts, writers?

[canucktvwatcher]

I recommend Neil Winters. Best hypnotist in Genoa City!

Yep. He can put damn near anyone to sleep with his bullshit. Plus, if they get bored, he can always hypnotize them into thinking they're part of a marching band, the one where he plays the air trumpet.

And much to the chagrin of viewers, he's now dicknotizing Hilary with his close talking and tribal tats.

Colin got locked in a room once before, during the Genevieve story. Dusting off old scripts, writers?

Joimiaroxeu, the writers DO seem to be dusting off old scripts.

I swear, there must be a board somewhere in the writers' room, much like the one that Ronan (Ramen Noodles) and Chief Kolbassa Paulie used a couple years back at the GCPD, that the team of red-assed baboons on the writing team uses to string ideas together. Idea A plus Idea B equals Idea C. I'm sure they recycle stuff all the time, because as a viewer I'm constantly like, "Haven't I seen this before?", and it turns out I HAVE!

Edited May 8, 2014 by canucktvwatcher

[marshmallow]

 

Chelsea’s bitch rounds aren’t over for the evening, she’s at Victoria’s door now, because this has turned into some demonic version of A Christmas Carol for Victoria.

 

You're gonna owe me a new keyboard for that one, peach.

 

 

Chelsea says she went to Billy’s intending to tell him Victoria was pregnant, but she backed down. Vicky asks what changed her mind. Chelsea LIES and says Vicky did, because she started thinking about how she kept Chelsea’s confidence. She figured she owed her the same courtesy. That SHOULD be the reason, but we all know it was because she wanted to stick it to Billy after he dared criticize Adam.

 

So Chelsea is the morality police, unless someone pisses her off.  Sit down with your self-righteous self, hag.

 

 

What about the secret? Nick is OVER it. He’s banning the word “secret.”

 

S****T is the new PU***E CL**H.

[crosby777]

The only way Kelly will be interesting is, if we see her boiling bunnies.

 

Sharon getting hypnotized could be comedy gold. "Sharon, when I count back from ten, on zero you'll awake and start clucking like chicken."

The chicken dress was a riot.

[peach]

Thur May 8  Victoria Wears Blue, And Nothing Happens

 

A new day dawns in Genoa City.  Avery is upset with Dylan over Ian. Dylan says he shouldn’t he have let Ian bait him. I guess breaking into his hotel room is him baiting you. Avery’s worried Dylan’s going to make a much bigger mistake.

 

Nikki’s on the phone with her doctor about her MS symptoms. Man, she really packed a lot of nice clothes and accessories for this time to think, and her hair is still looking really, really good. She opens the door to her suite, and SCARY MUSIC! Ian is standing there. Of course he heard her talking to her doctor.

 

Victor’s playing with Connor and reminding all of us how he grew up in an orphanage. Boo hoo. Chelsea enjoys seeing them play, but asks Victor why he’s really there.

 

Stitch is at the coffee shop, sending a video message to his son, Max, for his birthday. He has a sad little cupcake, and fights back tears when he ends the call. Victoria just happens to stroll in, wearing GCRB. You know what would totally make Stitch happy right now? A new baby, amiright?

 

Billy’s visiting his mommy. She teases him about being drunk the night before. He says she can kiss the old Billy Abbott goodbye, this is the improved version, wearing a Responsible suit and everything. Winning Victoria back is the plan. He says he appreciates his mother’s advice, but it’s about as friendly as a Komodo dragon. He needs to do this himself. Colin bangs and yells in the attic where he spent the whole night. Billy asks what that racket is. It’s a rat in the attic. ;)

 

Stitch apologizes for his sad little cupcake. Victoria understands, because Reed. They share the cupcake and sadness. Stitch says he’s been sending the videos since Jenna took Max to Australia, and it reminds him of being in Afghanistan. He tells sad stories that Billy will not be able to compete with. Stitch has survivor guilt. He thanks Victoria for listening, and whenever she figures stuff out, he’ll still be there. He’s not going anywhere, kind of like Noah, I guess.

 

Billy still hears the noises. Jill says it’s workmen remodeling the bathroom. He’s going to fight for his marriage, too bad hers isn’t worth it. He asks if she’s filed for divorce, and Jill says “it’s under control.” Billy leaves, and Jill tells Katherine’s picture that she sure could use her advice now.

 

Victor says it’s time to lay Adam to rest. Chelsea agrees, and Victor says she can take solace in them saying goodbye together. It will be a small ceremony, and he tells her Nikki won’t be a part of it. She’d probably spit on Adam’s ashes or whatever’s left of him for ruining Victor's special, saintly fatherhood.

 

Nikki tells Ian her welfare is none of his business. She says Victor has a security team there so he better keep his distance. Ian says he’s only there to be near his son. Nikki reminds him that Dylan doesn’t want Ian near him. Ian tells her about Dylan’s arrest for breaking in his room, and that he has a short fuse. Nikki worries.

 

Avery tries to get through Dylan’s thick head that what he’s doing is a big problem, especially threatening Ian. Dylan says it wasn’t a THREAT, it was a WARNING. Big difference. He says he’s going to protect Avery, and Avery yells that she doesn’t NEED his protection.  Well, that just hurts his feelings.  He really doesn't have anything else to offer her.

 

Jill and Colin argue through the locked door. She calls him a gold digger, and says you know, she always knew he just married her for the money. What was your first clue? When he handcuffed you to a bed and TOLD you it was about this stupid music box?

 

Avery’s a big girl and can take care of herself. They argue about Ian and the flowers. Avery’s “favorite cameraman” Austin/Dimples just stops by and thinks they should continue the shoot, while leaning against the door like a catalog model. Avery thinks it’s kind of weird, but okay. Austin tells Dylan his interruptions cost them money, yo, and if he can’t handle Avery’s fans and all…. Dylan says none of this is a problem as long as Avery stays safe. If not, I guess he'll be interrupting shit, okay, Austin?

 

Nikki and Victoria run into each other in Memorial’s hallway. Nikki has blood pressure problems, and Victoria’s just getting a checkup. They discuss her conversation with Victor. Nikki blames Adam again, indirectly this time. Since Victor couldn’t prevent Adam’s death, he has to overcontrol everyone else. Like that wasn’t happening before. And why is Victoria so pale, she asks.

 

Chelsea doesn’t understand why Nikki isn’t coming. Victor isn’t telling, K? She says she’ll just invite Sharon and Jack then. Oh, Victor’s two favorite people, who were Adam’s only friends. They’re going to bury him in GC. Victor is leaving and finds Billy at the door. He demands to know why Billy is there. Chelsea says it’s okay, and Victor leaves. Billy says isn’t he supposed to be in a coffin during the day? Ha.  Billy’s hazy about last night and wants to know why Chelsea came over to see him.

 

Nikki tells Victoria she doesn’t have to go through her troubles alone. They hug. Victoria sees the OB and asks how soon they can determine the paternity of her baby. Maybe she could have just called. What is the copay on this?

 

Dylan sympathizes with Stitch about Max’s birthday. Stitch doesn’t want to talk about it, as usual. Dylan’s like, see, this is why I couldn’t tell Victoria anything much about you. Stitch gets super defensive, but Dylan says if wants any kind of shot with Vicky, he has to open up to her.

 

Jill confronts Colin about his butt dial, and he’s lucky she didn’t lock him in there with a rattlesnake. Blahblahblah…Jill finally tells him she made up the Rachel the dog story, and he’s been outconned. Wow. Colin charms his way out of the attic, or so he thinks, because Jill choloroforms him. She’s just getting started.

 

Victoria can get a paternity test at 14 weeks. She’s like, let’s do it. Don’t the fathers in question usually know about this? Is she going to steal locks of their hair like for a voodoo curse?

 

Chelsea is vague with Billy about Victoria, that it was just about offering to help out. She has a flashback to telling Victoria she wouldn’t tell the secret. Billy blah blah’s about how none of this situation with Victoria is Chelsea’s business, and how it really has nothing to do with her, and she shouldn’t be messing with other people’s problems. THEN HE TELLS HER TO STAY AWAY FROM VICTOR. NO hypocrisy there, or anything, because he “feels strongly about it,” y’all. She’s like OMG, WHAT IS WITH EVERYONE? She’s tired about hearing to stay away from the Black Knight. Billy’s like, look, this is the only thing Adam and I ever agreed upon, which is not to trust Victor ever. “Why are you trying to protect me?” she asks.

 

Victor confronts Ian in the club dining room and tells him to stay away from Nikki and Summer. Victor’s having The Path investigated…and that Path is going to be blocked. Ian launches into his “I care” speech, and how sad it is that Victor is bitter, etc. Victor says to spare him the phony baloney. Ian cares so much, though, he wants to tell Victor about what’s going on with his wife.

 

Nikki stops at the coffee shop. Stitch asks her about the charity event she’s working on with Victoria. Nikki says it’s news to her. Ah ha. Stitch has to go to work, probably so he can accost Vicky in the hallway again. Dylan and Nikki worry about each other. Nikki startles Dylan by telling him she loves him.

 

Avery’s all stressed out doing the cooking show, and gets frustrated and says maybe she should just quit the whole thing!!! Ugh, no one cares.

 

Dylan and Nikki get sentimental. Then she almost faints.

 

Victor says he doesn’t want to hear the word “Nikki” come out of Ian’s mouth. Ian tells Victor how Nikki rushed to the doctor and isn’t well. Victor says listen here, you psychopath, you get your carcass out of this building or YOU will need a doctor. Ian must believe this, and leaves.

 

Colin wakes up handcuffed in the basement, with the very same cuffs he used on Jill. Karma’s a bitch, and so is Jill. She says he’s down there until he signs papers for a divorce, and relinquishes any right to her estate. He says absolutely and irrevocably NO. Because love. She says the love doesn’t matter because she can’t trust him. He says he’ll wait as long as it takes. “Then rot in hell, lover.”  But she's sad when he isn't looking, you guys.

 

Avery is seriously trying to get out of her contract for the cooking show. She’s on the phone with producers. Austin broods. Omg, not only does Avery still have the cooking show, she’s been booked on The Talk!! Nobody saw that coming. Austin and Avery are excited. Still don’t care.

 

Ian shows up at Crimson Lights. Nikki says they have to ignore him. REEEESTRAINING ORDER!!!!

 

Victor talks to his henchman on the phone. Make sure Nikki has as little stress as possible. Maybe he should kill Victor, then.

 

Chelsea tells Billy that Victor has some good points too. She defends him for wanting to take care of Adam’s memorial, and for being there for her..blahblah, and honestly, Victor’s really the only one who cares about her!!! “I CARE ABOUT YOU, DAMMIT!” says Billy. I mean, the writers say so. They both look startled at this completely nonsensical turn of the conversation, and Billy leaves.

 

GUESS who Victoria runs into at the hospital?? STITCH! What a SURPRISE! It’s déjà vu all over again as he wants to know what’s REALLY going on with her, in fact it’s even worse this time. Stitch thinks she’s there more than he is, which is possibly true. Vicky leaves, and Boundary Crasher and Ethical Risk Taker Stitch introduces himself to her doctor. Sooo, what’s your specialty? Obstetrics and Gynecology, huh? Very interesting. No wonder he gets stuck with a cupcake of sadness. Creep.

 

The End... of pretty much nothing.

[LeftPhalange]

 

GUESS who Victoria runs into at the hospital?? STITCH! What a SURPRISE! It’s déjà vu all over again as he wants to know what’s REALLY going on with her, in fact it’s even worse this time. Stitch thinks she’s there more than he is, which is possibly true. Vicky leaves, and Boundary Crasher and Ethical Risk Taker Stitch introduces himself to her doctor. Sooo, what’s your specialty? Obstetrics and Gynecology, huh? Very interesting. No wonder he gets stuck with a cupcake of sadness. Creep.

 

Stitch introducing himself to Vikki;s daughter was so creepy. Technically he didn't do anything illegal or unethical (I guess). But still. He basically took advantage of his job so he could skirt confidentiality laws. It wouldn't surprise me if he hacks into the hospital system so he can read her file.

[glowlights]

Whelp, another crappy week in GC! Peach's recaps make it all better, like a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.

The Good:

Ian Ward showing up at Nikki's door and talking to Victor at the club. Giddy, I am. My dream is that Ian Ward will move into Genevieve's creepy old morgue/mansion, get himself elected as mayor of GC and wreak delightful havoc on that town. He could start by getting Paul Williams demoted. [sorry, but I will NEVER give up on Ian! He sends me telepathic love notes through the t.v. so I know it's mutual.]

The Bad:

Chelsea, shut up and go sit in your penthouse. She's got some major fucking nerve with that sanctimonious meddling. Victor is rubbing off on her (ew).

The Ugly (so much ugly):

- Victor, the way to win back a woman is not to raise your voice, lecture, and demand she come to her damn senses. Are you from Victorian times? (That is a rhetorical question.)

- So Stitch knows that Victoria saw her gyno, because he did a slimy thing and tried to break confidentiality, which should get him fired imo. But why is that a dun-dun-dun-DUNNN moment? As a doctor he should know that sometimes we feel unwell in our girly parts. Unless she still has that pregnancy test kit box in her living room wastebasket in which case hire a maid, girl.

- If the roles were reversed and Billy was the one wanting to trick a drunk Chloe into sleeping with him to get her pregnant, that would not be considered cute. Y&R is all kinds of tone deaf.

- Jill and Colin. Why couldn't the writers have just disappeared those characters for a bit and then bring Jill back with no further mention of the Nancy Drew Music Box Mystery? The viewers would have been happy to play along. All would be forgiven.

- Lily was in a scene. She ruins everything.

 

Why do Victor and Sharon still refer to Mariah as Cassie? They know she's not Cassie. Is this some weird social custom in GC? I don't keep referring to my new neighbor as Jillian even though I found out her name is actually Gia.

 

As an aside, the Abbott house is my favorite so far (out of all the exteriors) but no way does it look big enough for all the bedrooms it's supposed to have. Then again, the entire downstairs is a small living room (not even a foyer) and a kitchen. I think about these houses way too much. Maybe I'm nesting (with Ian!!!!!).

[Joimiaroxeu]

Victoria’s just getting a checkup

When you get pregnant do you have to get a checkup every day or is Victoria subconsciously trying to run into Stitch?

What is the copay on this?

Since the Newmans practically built the hospital they probably get all their medical care comped (or expect to). Given how many extremely wealthy people there are in GC it's a wonder they don't have concierge medical service. Then the doctor would come to their house for basic checkups and nonemergency care.

Ian must believe this, and leaves.

Ian is such a great shite-stirrer. He just moves about town dropping these little bombs in everybody's relationships. I don't think I've ever seen a character quite like him.

It wouldn't surprise me if he hacks into the hospital system so he can read her file.

Except he wouldn't have to hack in. Since he's a doctor on staff he probably has regular access. The thing that might trip him up is doing it without leaving evidence. If she's not his patient he has no valid reason to be looking at her records so he'd have some 'splainin to do to a compliance auditor.

Peach's recaps make it all better

Yes they do!

[pearlite]

Not to mention the fact that in GC, no one goes to a drugstore to get a prescription filled.

When you get pregnant do you have to get a checkup every day or is Victoria subconsciously trying to run into Stitch?

Ian is such a great shite-stirrer. He just moves about town dropping these little bombs in everybody's relationships. I don't think I've ever seen a character quite like him.

That's a great observation! [And you used the word "shite," which I adore.

Yes, and Ray Wise's voice as he infiltrates everybody's lives, is more hypnotic than Sharon's psychiatrist or Neil's voice. He actually has this satanic dimension, in terms of being able to insinuate himself--such a seducer. He's adapted his devil nicely from the Reaper character.

[peacheslatour]

O.k. so Colin has been locked in either the attic or the cellar for what 2 days now?  NO bathroom breaks for you! He must have a super prostate.  And how did sixty something Jill manage to drag his passed out ass all the way from the attic to the cellar?

[glowlights]

O.k. so Colin has been locked in either the attic or the cellar for what 2 days now?  NO bathroom breaks for you! He must have a super prostate.  And how did sixty something Jill manage to drag his passed out ass all the way from the attic to the cellar?

 

LOL! That's the first thing I thought of - where on earth has he been doing his business? Maybe he's using those ashes like a litter box.

[Snaporaz]

 

My dream is that Ian Ward will move into Genevieve's creepy old morgue/mansion, get himself elected as mayor of GC and wreak delightful havoc on that town. He could start by getting Paul Williams demoted.

I don't know much about politics, but in order to be Chief of Police, don't you first need to be, you know, police?  How the hell did Paul get that job?  He's the son of a cop, but he was never a cop himself.

 

 

Not to mention the fact that in GC, no one goes to a drugstore to get a prescription filled.

Nick should close that stupid club and open a Walgreens next to Crimson Lights.  

[bayviewbubba]

Glowlights - I've mentioned this before, but now I'm a bit concerned.  You say you're receiving telepathic communications from my boyfriend Ian.  Having a crush on him is ok and understandable.  But do not kid yourself. I am the one he calls in the middle of the night. If this continues I recommend a visit to Dr. Meade for some hypnotizin'.  Best wishes to you.

[PatsyandEddie]

Ian is such a great shite-stirrer. He just moves about town dropping these little bombs in everybody's relationships. I don't think I've ever seen a character quite like him.

 

 

I haven't either which is why I FLOVE this guy! He's not doing anything illegal, just waltzing around dropping little bombshells into people's lives, that's all. I want him to get Victor's goat soooo bad!

 

It's official! Instead of recaps, they are now "Peach-isms" ! Thank you stewed squash for yet another hilarious moment! 

 

Okay people, settle down. We don't want Ian to get the wrong idea do we? Actually bayview, Ian is calling you in the middle of the night from my house. Mmm..K?

[peacheslatour]

I hate to burst y'alls bubbles, but I ran away with Ray Wise when he was in Jeepers Creepers!  He's just a big flirt, but I don't mind, I'm secure in OUR LOVE>

[bayviewbubba]

PatsyandEddy, peacheslatour and anybody else out there - He ain't your man. I'm  the one he calls.  Ok, so I've never actually met him, so what?  We are meant to be, we are soul mates forever.  And, yes, it isn't actually the phone that he calls me on, but I still get his messages.  Sometimes he calls himself Bob and talks funny.  What is that all about?

[peacheslatour]

He told me that you're the one who calls him!  He always pretends he doesn't know any "Ray Wise" and says his name is "Bob".  Plus he says you're the one who talks funny.  So there! :p

[Snaporaz]

 

I kept on keeping on and then had to scroll back to "bayou" and do some hard think think thinking to figure out if Nikki really came from there. I still am not sure.

That is not a peach-ism, stewedsquash...The Bayou was the strip club where Nikki met Victor.

Edited May 10, 2014 by Snaporaz

[LeftPhalange]

What was Victor doing in a strip club anyway? That doesn't really seem like a place he would ever go.

[peacheslatour]

It was some kind of business type deal.  He was with some big shot he was doing business with IIRC.

[SweePea59]

Or did Old Boy take him there? I still hear the crowd chanting, "Nikki! Nikki! We want Nikki!".

[pearlite]

 Like for a second, I really thought Victoria stabbed Abby with the pee stick.

From your keyboard to God's ears...

[glowlights]

Glowlights - I've mentioned this before, but now I'm a bit concerned.  You say you're receiving telepathic communications from my boyfriend Ian.  Having a crush on him is ok and understandable.  But do not kid yourself. I am the one he calls in the middle of the night. If this continues I recommend a visit to Dr. Meade for some hypnotizin'.  Best wishes to you.

 

If you're getting calls in the middle of the night it's neither Ray nor Ian. #eraweb

 

Yes it was Douglas who took Victor to see Nikki at the Bayou. I don't think it was business I think it was just a buddies night out. Nikki was like a headlining act - lol! They must have been pretty hard up for strippers in GC.

 

Paul's appointment as Chief Of Police was a total joke. But some half-assed gumshoe running the GCPD is in line with an emergency resident wandering the hospital floors and chatting with his friends, and Lily being in charge of anything.

 

I hope that pee stick stabs them all, frankly. Except Ian. He will be at my house for barbecue today if anyone would like to say hi.

[peacheslatour]

 

He will be at my house for barbecue today if anyone would like to say hi.

 

Do not believe this!  He is at MY house eating tacos.  RIGHT NOW!

 

Happy Mother's Day to all you mutha's!

[Snaporaz]

 

I tell y'all, it pays to read first, watch later.

My only problem with that, stewedsquash, is that I don't like spoilers at all.  But I am thinking of reading the recaps and watching the show simultaneously!  What do the kids call that these days...the two-screen experience?

 

Often peach's asides are what I wish had really happened!

Edited May 11, 2014 by Snaporaz

[canucktvwatcher]

Paul's appointment as Chief Of Police was a total joke. But some half-assed gumshoe running the GCPD is in line with an emergency resident wandering the hospital floors and chatting with his friends, and Lily being in charge of anything.

This. I like the character of Paul, but he couldn't find his ass with both hands, make a smart decision to save his life, or get lucky in a whorehouse with a handful of fifties. Dude is perennially screwing up, and why anyone would trust him with the policing of the city is a mystery right up there with what happened to Jimmy Hoffa.

Also agree about Jock Itch and Princess Lil. I wouldn't leave these two alone with sharp objects, let alone to make important choices. Ditch is too busy sneaking furtive glances at Mop's medical records when he has no right to, as well as eating junk food, and Lil is too busy giving Hilary the stink eye, making bitchy comments, and becoming creepily preoccupied with Kelly's Bedroom Antics (or lack thereof) with Auntie Jackie.

[bayviewbubba]

Glowlights - Your new portrait has put the fear in me for sure.  Kudos.  My eyelids are starting to feel heavy, heavy...  #!erehsibob

[glowlights]

Eagerly awaiting peach's recap of the Friday episode! (You mean she has real life responsibilities besides entertaining us? what?). But there was so much Winters Crap (and Neil-on-Hillary grossness) that I fear she may need sick leave.

[peach]

I've been vacationing, dahlings!  I did not ask Victor Newman and company along with me to the beach.  lol 'll do my best to catch up ASAP.   :)

[LeftPhalange]

Recap: Everyone had the same conversations they did last week and Stitch is becoming increasingly stalker-ish.

Edited May 13, 2014 by LeftPhalange

[peach]

Recap: Everyone had the same conversations they did last week and Stitch is becoming increasingly stalker-ish.

Sounds good.  Let's move on!

[Suby]

I've been vacationing, dahlings!  I did not ask Victor Newman and company along with me to the beach.  lol 'll do my best to catch up ASAP.   :)

I don't blame you.  Who'd want to see that old Turd laying in the Cialis tub on the beach?

[Snaporaz]

You're not missing much, peach.  LeftPhalange just about covered it, but forgot to mention that Billy squinted.

Hope you're enjoying vacation!  Maybe it's south of the US border this time!  ; )

[glowlights]

Hope you're having (had?) a great vacation, peach! Didn't mean to be a nudge. :)

[peach]

I wanted to watch and catch up, so here's just a quicker version of the recap/synopsis for Friday.  I should probably make them all this short.

 

Friday, May 9

Neil has renewed vitality.  He wants to play basketball longer than all the young hot studs.  Devon thinks it’s lame and embarrassing.  Devon also wants to know who Hilary is messing around with.  He’s not very good at connecting dots.   Cane thinks Devon is “just frontin” over Hilary, lol, and is still really into her.   Neil, Hilary and Jack have a meeting at the club.  Jack makes a big announcement.  He doesn’t want to wait a year for another Runway Extravaganza.  I…just..I have nothing to say.    Neil gropes Hilary under the table.  They make excuses so they can meet upstairs.  Lipsmacking tryst.  Lily thinks they need to worry about Neil, while Devon and Cane strongly disagree.  Matchmaker Lily has just the woman for Neil.  Omg, I hope it's not Kelly.

 

Abby chats with Leslie about how to take “this bitch” Maria down.  She fills in Leslie about the whole fake Cassie thing.  Leslie can’t believe Mariah would “take it so far this time.”  Whoa, THIS time?  Tyler interrupts, and he clearly doesn’t want Leslie spilling any shit about Mariah.  Leslie vagues it up and says Mariah is nothing but trouble and everyone should stay away from her.  But, Tyler should tell Abby The Rest Of The Story.  Instead Tyler pulls a classic deflection move and accuses Abby of going behind his back to Leslie.  Leslie wants left out of the whole thing, because she’s not into the girl code.  Abby has to leave, and Leslie promises Tyler she would NEVER tell Abby what went down with him and Mariah in Portland.  Leslie warns him not to hide things from her.  Abby returns and Tyler thinks she should forget about Mariah and plan the wedding.  Abby is a Newman, Tyler, she doesn’t just let stuff go.

 

Nick and Sharon go for the hypnosis.  Dr Mead tells Sharon brain fryification can make memories disappear forever.  If it’s emotional suppression, uncovering the secret could make Sharon a wackadoo again, and Nick isn’t liking that risk.  NO more wackadoo stuff, Sharon!!  We should wait, no, we shouldn’t wait.  No, because love.  Yes, because love.  Dr Mead is a really bad doctor, because even though she’s concerned about the hypnosis, she’s going to do it because Sharon seems strong enough and it’s what the wackadoo wants…kind of like when YOU FRIED HER BRAIN WHEN SHE DIDN’T NEED IT.  I think they should just do shots of tequila til it all comes out.  This show actually makes us watch Dr Mead hypnotize her instead, because that’s sweeps excitement for you.  Flashbacks to super young Nick and Sharon.  Nick’s has Backstreet Boys hair.  She can’t believe she’s going to get to live on the ranch one day and burn it down.  Sharon winces and struggles trying to remember The Secret.  Nick wants Dr Mead to stop, but she tells Nick to shut up because she knows what she’s doing.  Right.  Sharon starts remembering The Secret and crying.

 

Summer visits Jack.  She  is sorry about Kelly, and says Jack should do what he wants.  As Adam Sandler would say, that’s information he could have used YESTERDAY!! She’s wearing a gray putty colored top she needs to burn ASAP.  Jack makes an extremely ill-advised promise that no matter who he’s with now, he will go straight back to Phyllis the moment she opens her eyes again. 

 

Lily is ready to gossip with Kelly over some mimosas.  Lily is kinda winning me over with this sort of thing.  Kelly tells her Jack bailed, and she was humiliated.  But she can’t blame Jack for not wanting to hurt his daughter.  Tears and mimosas.  Lily thinks Kelly needs to climb back on the horse, and find someone else, someone who doesn’t have a comatose fiancée.  Kelly later avoids Jack at the club because she’s so embarrassed.   Jack finally confronts Kelly.  He wants a second chance.  She says this is like the third or fourth chance, dude.  He’ll take as many as he can get.

[marshmallow]

 

Matchmaker Lily has just the woman for Neil.  Omg, I hope it's not Kelly.

That would certainly make the popcorn eating, watching from the sidelines a whole lot more uncomfortable.

 

 

that’s information he could have used YESTERDAY!

Thank you for that.  I love that movie :)

[peach]

Mon, May 12

 

Jack tells Kelly he handled things very badly.  He can’t stop thinking about her.  She’s extremely frustrated with his indecision and humiliating her.  He seriously regrets rejecting her.  He explains that Summer apologized and gave him permission to see Kelly.  He leaves out his promise.  “There is nothing in the way of us being together.”  Kelly says, what about Phyllis? Jack is all, whoa, you said you understood about Phyllis, and you could handle it.  What Kelly understands is how he’s going to go back to Phyllis if she wakes up.  She’d convinced herself she could deal with whatever happened, even if it meant  getting her heart broken, but now she realizes that getting her heart broken would actually suck.  They both know it wasn’t just going to be sex, because feelings and Vivaldi and laughter.  She reminds him that she has lost SO MUCH already, and she just couldn’t stand to lose any more.  Aww, poor Kelly.  Why can’t Phyllis just die?  Jack tells Kelly he doesn’t think Phyllis IS going to wake up.  But that’s not enough for Kelly.  She can’t get involved with this hanging over their heads, and walks away.

 

Billy runs into Chelsea in the park.   She looks cute today, even in GCRB. They talk about caring about each other, although Chelsea’s not sure if it’s like caring about global warming.  Chelsea wants him to prove it.  She’s arranged Adam’s memorial service, and Billy offers to spit on his grave.  Chelsea says the estate’s been settled, and she wants Billy to take the money for the Delia Project now that Adam’s gone, and it’s her money.  He says it’s still blood money.  Chelsea says to do it for Delia’s sake.  “Why, so you can balance the karmic scales from hell?”   Chelsea says Delia gave Connor a miracle, and Delia can give lots of miracles if Billy would just take the frigging money.  He complains but says he’ll do it.  Taking money is a heroic deed nowadays. 

 

They discuss their gross kiss and her slapping him.  She says she overreacted, and it was just because he was a mess over Victoria.  He says he’s working on a way to get Dr. Feelgood out of Victoria’s life forever.  Chelsea panics and says that’s not a good idea.  It isn’t??    She says Billy’s going to make everything worse.  They argue.  He’s determined to find out Stitch’s Secret.  He leaves to see Victoria.

 

Victoria is getting ready to go somewhere, and Stalker Stitch shows up at the door.  She’s like, I thought we had an understanding (as in WTF are you doing here again), and he says he thought they did too, but why did she LIE to him?  Taser time.  He calls her out on her story about working on the charity event at the hospital, you know, when he was asking her questions that were none of his business about her doctor visits.  “Are you checking up on me??”  No, it was just by chance.  Stitch is all about honesty where Victoria is concerned as long as you never ask him any questions about himself.  He keeps demanding to know why she was at the hospital. 

 

She explains her mother didn’t know about the meeting, and keeps on explaining her business instead of telling him to GTFO.  He says it’s weird that she’s making so many trips to the hospital, and she says it’s weird that he’s keeping track of her schedule and it’s a little [terrifying] annoying.  She’s like don’t project whatever bullshit went on in your divorce on me.  He wants to help.  NO.  He moves in close like Neil, WHILE telling her he’s going to give her space at some undetermined point in the future, because he’s there for her no matter what.  Then he grabs her for a big kiss, and leaves. 

 

Victoria calls Billy and says she wants to see him.  She tells her unborn baby that it’s going to have a good life no matter who the father is.  Billy arrives hoping she has good news.  Victoria seems much happier to see Billy than she did Stitch.  Maybe because she actually invited him.  She wants a favor, because she’s going to see Reed.  She wants to leave Johnny at home, and have Billy stay at home with him.  He’s happy to do it.  They have a happy little goodbye because family.  She says no skipping school for Johnny.  He’s two.  She leaves.  Ugh, I’m Team Billy after today.  I hate being Team Billy.

 

Now Stitch runs into Chelsea in the park.  They talk about Connor’s health.  Chelsea points out that Johnny is lucky to have Billy and Victoria as parents, but um, that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for Stitch in Victoria’s life.  He finds this a curious conversation.  STOP TALKING NOW, CHELSEA.  She stammers awkwardly for a while, and he offers to buy her an ice cream cone.  Watch out, he buys you park food, and he owns you for life.  Chelsea remembers when being pregnant with Connor made her sick after eating ice cream.  OMG, that’s it, being pregnant makes women throw up in parks, you guys!!

 

Tyler tries to convince Abby to ignore Mariah.   She’s like, you seriously think this psycho’s just going to leave us alone?  Um, not!  Tyler makes a terrible case for ignoring Mariah.  Abby is going with her plan.  Her plan is for them to show up at Mariah’s hotel room.  Mariah asks what have you got for me, Princess?  An offer Mariah can’t refuse.  Mariah asks if it’s going to be a horse’s head in her bed.  Abby says she knows how Mariah ticks.  Victor paid her to stay IN town, so Abby will pay her double to LEAVE.  Mariah asks how much the going rate is for a husband from the wrong side of the tracks.  She scoffs at how the Newmans think they can buy people.  She tries to pull some sentimental strings with Tyler about the bad old days.  Abby says to name her price.  Mariah asks Tyler if this is what HE wants.  He hesitates, but says he wants her to go on with her life and be happy.  Abby hands her a check and says they will all be happy.  Mariah tears it up.  “NO DEAL.”  She wants what’s in her case, you guys.

 

Abby and Tyler go to the coffee shop.  Abby is pissed because she knows that Mariah isn’t going to settle for anything except Tyler.  He says there’s nothing she can do to break them up.  Abby might be obnoxious, but she isn’t stupid.  She’s like, why did it feel like he and Mariah were talking in some secret language she couldn’t understand?  Scrapbooker Mariah is back in the hotel looking at a newspaper clipping about a Portland mansion being ROBBED by some people.  I wonder who.

 

Hypnotized Sharon cries and struggles over The Secret.  She “did something…something she shouldn’t have.”  Someone’s hurt, and it’s her fault.  She didn’t mean to.  She’s not supposed to be there.  It’s dark.  She just wants “her” to stop.  OMG, she’s screaming.  She didn’t mean to, she didn’t mean to.  Screaming and crying.  Nick orders Dr. Mead to bring Sharon out of it.  She does.  Always helpful Dr. Mead says whatever Sharon was freaking out about might not even have had anything to do with The REAL Secret.  She also snarks that Nick shouldn’t have been present in the first place.  Well, Nick is clearly smarter than Dr. Mead when it comes to Sharon.  For the 150th time, Nick doesn’t care about The Secret.  But Sharon wants to go back under.  He’s scared for her to do it/Sharon is scared for her not to do it.  These two complement each other so well. 

 

Sharon gets hypnotized again.  She’s vague as hell about what she did and to whom.  She says she went home to face Nick, and she doesn’t remember anything else.  She comes out of the trance.  She still doesn’t remember The Secret.  Nick thinks he’s figured it out.  He thinks it’s all about the fire at the ranch.  She’s like, you already knew about that.  Nick manages to twist it around so that it could be The Secret.  Sharon’s like, who did I hurt, then?  Nick thinks it’s Faith because she ran off with her that one time.  It’s everyone’s fault but Sharon’s, Nick says, and she needs to stop thinking the worst about herself.  She talks to Dr. Mead alone and asks if she thinks Nick is right about the fire.   Sharon feels there is something more.  Dr. Mead says she can’t tell definitively, but they can work on it [with more money] at Sharon’s next session.  Sharon is disappointed, but Nick is relieved.  Nick thanks her for facing her fears, and let’s move on already. Yes, let's!"

Edited May 13, 2014 by peach

[Joimiaroxeu]

Neil has renewed vitality.

Heh, that's putting it mildly. You'd think Viagra Poster Boy had never had sex before. Or, hadn't been married how many times and already gone through how many women? He's probably hoping his giddy behavior gets back to Leslie because she'll put the clues together in about two seconds and be all jellus.

 

He doesn’t want to wait a year for another Runway Extravaganza.

Right, because a small town in WI is destined to become the Milan of the Midwest. Especially with Chelsea's daring "headed straight for the remainders rack" designs to lead the way.

 

Matchmaker Lily has just the woman for Neil.  Omg, I hope it's not Kelly.

That was exactly my fear. Kelly will just bounce from one d-bag to another.

 

Jack makes an extremely ill-advised promise that no matter who he’s with now, he will go straight back to Phyllis the moment she opens her eyes again.

Oh yeah, that's what every woman wants to hear: "I'm just gonna let you do me until my real girlfriend is awake and alert enough to do me herself. 'Cause you're cheaper than having to pay an actual prostitute to do me."

 

Lily is kinda winning me over with this sort of thing.

Not me. I do not at all get the Lily and Kelly friendship. I guess it's supposed to make Lily seem a little older and Kelly seem a little younger but every time I see them doing their galpal thing it just seems forced.

 

Jack finally confronts Kelly.  He wants a second chance.  She says this is like the third or fourth chance, dude.  He’ll take as many as he can get.

Ugh, I'm not liking Jack so much right now. Trying to use his younger brother's sloppy seconds as a temporary bedwarmer isn't a good look for him.

[LeftPhalange]

 

Oh yeah, that's what every woman wants to hear: "I'm just gonna let you do me until my real girlfriend is awake and alert enough to do me herself. 'Cause you're cheaper than having to pay an actual prostitute to do me."

 

Kelly was having nasty grief sex with Billy a few months ago so being treated like a whore might be a step up. Hopefully she's not into ecstasy.

 

Recap: Gloria isn't dead. Chloe is still crazy. Stitch is still a creep. Paul and Cricket are still trying to have a baby even though her eggs are probably dried up and his swimmers are shooting blanks.Jack is still trying to hump Kelly and she's still acting like she has standards.

[Joimiaroxeu]

Why can’t Phyllis just die?

...said the world.

 

Stalker Stitch shows up at the door

Less than 24 hours later. Called it.

 

Then he grabs her for a big kiss, and leaves.

And not only did Victoria not pull away, she threw a hand up on his neck and went all in.

 

She wants what’s in her case, you guys.

I never understood that show. It always seemed like they were making the rules up as they went along.

 

Mariah is back in the hotel looking at a newspaper clipping about a Portland mansion being ROBBED by some people.  I wonder who.

Portland's version of The Bling Ring?

[peach]

Thanks for everyone's nice comments and missing the recaps while I was gone.  It was just a few days on the Gulf Coast, which were great!

 

Does anyone reading this have a preference for shorter synopsis style recaps, or for the longer ones, or does anyone really care?  lol

[Snaporaz]

I'll enjoy reading them however you prefer to write them!

[Gigi]

That's what I was thinking also. Whatever works best for you Peach. I find your recaps hilarious in both formats!

[peach]

Tue, May 17
Jack’s looking pretty bummed about Kelly leaving, and runs into Nikki at the club.  He finds out she’s not living at home.  She expects gloating, but of course, Jack is understanding.  He’s not Victor.

 

Billy tries explaining life to Johnny.  Stitch is at the door, because it’s probably been one, maybe two hours since he last harassed Victoria.  Billy says if you’re looking for MY wife, you rang the wrong doorbell.

 

Paul is talking to Cricket on the phone about her lingerie.  She even texts him a picture, and he’s ready to rush home to start “Operation Pitter Patter.”  His words, not mine.  I’m shocked that Operation Pitter Patter isn’t taking place in his office, since that’s the only place they meet.  Dang, Lauren and Michael pop in before he can get away.   You think Stitch is nosy?  Lauren picks up a doctor’s business card off Paul’s desk, and says, “This is the doctor *I* went to see when I thought I was…gasp!”  Paul tells them Cricket’s not preggo yet, but hopefully will be soon.  But thanks for going thru his desk and asking about their medical issues.  She’s never getting preggo if he has to listen to Lauren & Michael’s problems, but apparently they need the police chief to do something about the crime of Kevin’s loveless marriage.

 

Lauren does look smashing in a red and black color block dress, the other approved color scheme for women on this show.

 

Loveless Kevin stops in Crimson Lights, remarking on how dead it is.  Now it’s his turn to snoop by looking at Dylan’s phone, and asking about his social media habits.  Yo, dude, he doesn’t do that social media stuff, it’s just over Avery’s dumb cooking show.   Avery thinks internet comments like “your pie ruined my life” are harmless,  but Dylan needs a reason to exist, so he explains how he polices the message board to keep Avery safe.  He’ll cut that screen, bitches, don’t think he won’t.  Kevin sure understands that you have to keep the woman you love safe.

 

Chloe meets Gloria at the GCAC for a family dinner.  Gloria finds it suspicious that Chloe didn’t drive with Kevin or even know where he is.   Chloe says they don’t keep tabs on each other.  Gloria’s hair looks like she was planning on wearing a wig and then forgot.  She notices that Chloe seems calmer and says marriage agrees with her.  Chloe has a flashback of begging Billy to give her a baby.  She smiles at Gloria and says she’s seeing things much more clearly now.  Clearly = Crazy

 

Jack feels responsible for Nikki’s separation, thinking it has to do with the Viva Surge case.  Geez, Jack, everything isn’t about you.  Nikki blathers about Victor but isn’t telling him the specifics.  She says she knows Jack is hurting these days, too.  Jack looks super sad.

 

Paul indulges Lauren and Michael’s stupid, non-urgent problems.  Michael agrees with the judge wanting a guardian for Chloe, but wants to know if there is some other alternative to the sham marriage for Chloe.  Why is a LAWYER asking a COP for legal advice?  Paul’s like, yeah, send her to Fairview for treatment.  Duh!  Lauren says they will never agree to that, because it would make too much sense.  Paul says that’s all he’s got.  Now can he please go home and make a baby??

 

Kevin explains to Dylan that Avery can block negative comments by going into her settings.  This bounces off Dylan’s head.  Dylan talks about how life throws you funny curves but it works out.  Kevin is bummed because he and Chloe have rings, but not much of a relationship.  And now he has to go to dinner with family and pretend everything is great.

 

Gloria gives Chloe the third degree about her life with Kevin.  She wants specifics.  Have there been any romantic picnics?  She sounds like a tax auditor.  Jeffrey arrives.  He won a trifecta that day and they’re giddy about it.  He orders champagne but charges it to Michael.  Gloria still wants to know what Chloe and Kevin do for fun.  “I’ve been toying with something,” she says…you know, drunken rape pregnancy is a little hobby of mine.

 

Stitch comes on in, and I swear…asks if Victoria knows Billy is there.  He’s like, yeah, this is MY house and MY kid, idiot.  Stitch demands to know where Victoria is. Ah ha, he didn’t KNOW she was leaving town, oh my, and Billy says maybe you’re not as close as you think you are.  Stitch is still giving attitude, telling Billy to let Vicky know he stopped by (AGAIN).  He doesn’t need to leave a message, he’ll just wait til he talks to her again.  He’ll be back in an hour, Billy, you’re going to need a taser.

 

Nikki and Jack have a boring conversation about everyone’s voids.  He says he’s only a phone call away.  Nikki calls someone and says she has to see them.

 

Stalker Stitch sits down and starts playing blocks with Johnny because he’s an unbelievable interloper.  Stitch and Billy make a bunch of relationship analogies about bridges.  Stitch says he used to play blocks with Max, and Billy’s like, yeah, your wife took your son away to another continent.  What does that tell you?  Stitch gets upset and starts to leave.  Billy tells him, “you will never be able to replace your son with mine, no matter how hard you try.”  Ouch.  Stitch actually goes away if you hit him where it hurts.

 

Gloria and company have a comedic uncomfortable conversation about aphrodisiacs.  Kevin’s disgust is hilarious.   But Chloe has got to get her hands on Gloria’s magic elixir. 

 

Lauren and Michael discuss how surprising it is that Cricket has babies on the brain now.  She still can’t get pregnant, though, because now Nikki has barged in on Paul at closing time.  She has completely changed her outfit to come over there.  I guess she changed into a red dress because she’s mad.  In her boring conversation with Jack, she learned that Paul arrested Dylan the other day, and she is NOT happy.

 

Paul calls Dylan at the coffee shop and tells him to come to the station.  Nosy Stitch overhears, and Dylan explains how he delivered a message to Ian Ward with some breaking and entering, plus maybe a little muscle, but Ian didn’t press charges.  Stitch is like that’s a good thing, because that would be a Class C Felony!  Dylan’s like how would you know??

 

Jack drops in on Billy.  He’s busy doing another Internet Search on Stitch.  Again with the war hero.  But Billy is GOING to find out what he’s hiding.  He doesn’t want lectures from Jack.  Jack says he’s there because HE needs a brother right now.  Ugh, please don’t talk about Kelly.

 

Chloe examines the aphrodisiac in a little green bottle with a stopper like this is the 1800’s.  The conversation continues to be embarrassing.  Lauren and Michael show up.  Chloe eyes Gloria’s purse.  Did I mention she’s got on the crazy lipstick?

 

Paul and Nikki argue about Ian and Dylan.   Paul says Nikki needs to calm down for her health.  He realizes that more must be wrong.

 

Stitch says working in the ER leaves you adept at filling out police reports.  He tells Dylan about his run-in with Billy at Victoria’s.  Dylan says he warned Stitch this would happen.  Stitch doesn’t think they are back together because Billy would have said so.  Dylan says he thought Stitch was going to give Victoria some space, and like the rest of us, Dylan defines “space” as more than two hours.   He gives Stitch some of his own medicine and insists on knowing what he has to talk to Victoria about every f’ing minute.  Stitch says her stress level is way too high (from him checking on her), so he was checking on her.  Dylan calls bullshit.  Stitch avoids any more questions by rushing off to work.

 

So, Billy says, the only woman in Genoa City that Jack wants is the one he ruined his marriage with.  That one.  Jack tells him Kelly doesn’t want to see Jack after all because of Phyllis.  Billy says he’s sorry, but Jack says no, he isn’t, he was only okay with the Kelly situation because he wanted to get dirt on Stitch.  They argue about Billy’s research plan.  Jack thinks Billy has to win Victoria with his own merits, not the other guy’s faults.  Billy is unsurprisingly skeptical.  His merits all fall in the gutter love category.

 

Gloria and company toast the newlyweds with champagne.   Chloe says she’s healing, and she’s found a new purpose in life.  Gloria is glad because she doesn’t want Kevin married “to a cuckoo bird.  No offense.”  Lauren keeps talking about the orange roughy.  Chloe fake accidentally spills champagne all over Gloria, INFURIATING her, and she runs off to the ladies room, without her purse.  This would never happen in one million billion years, writers.  Everyone leaves the table for various reasons, and Chloe slyly gazes at the purse.

 

Paul feels bad for Nikki and feels responsible for her marriage problems, because of the Dylan thing.  Nikki says what is with the men in this town thinking this is about them??  Hello?  Victor’s problems are Victor’s fault.  Even SHE knows that.  She tells Paul finding Dylan is one of the greatest joys of her life, and Dylan overhears her.  For once, someone overhears something nice.

 

Billy breaks out the bourbon, and he and Jack tell old stories.  They talk about Faceplace, lol.  Billy sees that Jack really does like Kelly.  Jack tells Billy to win Victoria back with honesty, not scheming.  Play by her rules, not his.  Stitch is the schemer, y’all, he’s at the hospital looking up Victoria’s lab work because he is NO GOOD. 

 

Dylan is there because when he did get arrested, he left his super special diary/journal/notebook at the station, and came to pick it up.  It has a photo of Dylan’s parents which he shows her.  She leaves.

 

Michael & Lauren tell Loveless Kevin they spilled all his shit to Paul, HIS BOSS, and are trying to find a way to keep Chloe out of Fairview without him being stuck in this marriage.  Kevin is angry, but Michael tries to talk sense into him that this arrangement is unfair.  Kevin says Chloe doesn’t belong in Fairview, but Lauren asks are you sure?  I mean, have you seen that lipstick?  Michael thinks Chloe is capable of doing something unpredictable that could hurt someone.  You can tell Kevin thinks so, too, but he doesn’t want to admit it.  Meanwhile Chloe makes her move on Gloria’s purse.  Couldn’t she order this green stuff online?  Nope, she steals it and looks super satisfied with herself.

 

Billy still thinks it’s his job to find Stitch’s dark corner.  Jack gives up for the evening.  Billy calls Kevin and asks how to run a deep background check on someone who wants to keep it secret.  Stalker Stitch reads Victoria’s medical files and sees the positive pregnancy test.  Because he is a creep.

 

And I don’t think Paul ever got to go home.

[crosby777]

 

This is going to be a boring episode, y’all.

There hasn't been an exciting episode since Phelps and her hacks took over. Holy fucking BORING.