Explain it to Me Like I'm Lily: Recaps for the Disenchanted

[Snaporaz]

 

Noah is with Summer at the coffee shop and is pissed that he just got a ticket at the parking meter.  40 bucks, you guys!!  Gosh, wonder what he’s going to do about that.

 

Yeah, especially since the poor boy doesn't have job. Where oh where will he ever get the money to pay his bills? But really, does Noah have access to his trust fund yet? The last thing I remember is that he couldn't get it until he was 25. That's why he had to go to work for Nick at the bar and live in a crappy apartment.

Yet he could afford two nights at the GCAC while his apartment was being professionally painted.

[pearlite]

"I think Mariah might have borderline personality disorder."

 

You always score on the line-o-the-day meter, Peach!

 

Although Mariah's crossed the border and has her thumb out somewhere deep in the land of Deluded. Where she'll have Chloe and lots of other company.

[peacheslatour]

 

So Summer's the one he decided to cull from the herd? Why not Abby? They're both airheads.

 

Because Summer's mom knows Sharin's SECRET11!!

[peach]

Oh peach, there aren't enough likes in the world!  Bless your black heart, I love your recaps!

Well, thank you!  I appreciate everyone's compliments, I really do.  "Bless your black heart" might be a favorite, lol. 

 

I hope you know I mentioned the vests just for you.

[glowlights]

Jack must be really starved for decent conversation in GC.

 

I have no explanation for why this is making me laugh so hard. There are tears on my keyboard. (have the playoffs driven me round the bend?)

 

Imagine being trapped in a town where I AM VICTOR NEWMAN is what passes for elevated discourse and Chelsea For Jabot is what passes for haute couture. Run, Jack, RUN!!!

[peach]

I did consider doing this, just to get 40 minutes of my life back every day.  But I think you really need to watch the show to truly appreciate peach's genius for descriptives.  Yes, "Esme cocks her head like a confused Labrador" is funny on its own, but when you actually see Esme cock her head like a confused Labrador before you read the recap, it's laugh-out-loud hilarious and makes the 40 minutes you spend watching the show worthwhile!  

Didn't it totally look like like that?  lol  My friend's Lab always does that, and it was the first thing that popped in my head.

 

The thing about watching is the voices, you know?  There is no way for me to accurately convey the imperiousness of THE Abby Newman's voice, or just the Billyness of Billy's voice. 

[peacheslatour]

 

There is no way for me to accurately convey the imperiousness of THE Abby Newman's voice, or just the Billyness of Billy's voice.

Lol.  Like today THE Abby Newman is going to call the police for the myriad crimes FakeCassie has perpetrated against her, THE Abby Newman!

[LeftPhalange]

Has Fake Cassie even done anything illegal? I guess maybe there's stalking but no one can prove anything.

[Joimiaroxeu]

Floved Sharon's outfit today. Very retro chic.

 

Neil says, "Because I've seen a sign of Hilary that you haven't." Ew. So anyways, I'm guessing there are security cameras in the GCAC hallways and as the owner, Devon can access them. DUN, DUN, DUUUNNNN! Cover your eyes, Devon!

 

Hmmm, in a potential streetfight between Abby and Mariah, I think I'd have to go with Mariah as the winner. She's ratchet enough to take off her earrings first and then proceed to pull Abby's hair extensions out. Meanwhile, Abby'd probably be too worried about breaking one of her manicured nails and would call her attorney to deal with it. But not to worry, Tyler knows how to stop an argument between his wimmens: step in between them all shiny and shirtless.

 

Had to google those mixing bowls Avery was using because I thought that particular shade of blue was trademarked by Tiffany's. Guess not.

 

Victor should thank Sharon for the boner that's going to give him.

Nah, there's not enough Viagra or Cialis in the universe to make that happen. There's a complicated system of pulleys and levers involved in getting anything like that going in his pants. It was developed by a secret division inside Newman Enterprises.

Edited May 2, 2014 by Joimiaroxeu

[canucktvwatcher]

Nah, there's not enough Viagra or Cialis in the universe to make that happen. There's a complicated system of pulleys and levers involved in getting anything like that going in his pants. It was developed by a secret division inside Newman Enterprises.

C'mon now, you know there's gotta be a line of boner pills that Tricky Vic's R&D department developed - Viva Urge!

[canucktvwatcher]

Lol.  Like today THE Abby Newman is going to call the police for the myriad crimes FakeCassie has perpetrated against her, THE Abby Newman!

I want her to start speaking about herself in third person, like The Rock used to do in the WWE: "Do you smell what THE Abby Newman is cookin'?".

"THE Abby Newman is gonna stop you right there, Mariah....and stick her left foot straight up your candy ass!".

Tell me THAT wouldn't be entertaining!

[peach]

Thurs May 1, 2014
So it looks like they’re taking long shots of the Newman ranch now, so we can see it’s not in an upper middle class neighborhood after all.  It’s morning.  Victor is on the phone leaving Nikki a message.  He’s subdued in manner because she left to stay at the club, but he hasn’t changed his tune about Sharon getting her hooks into Nick again, and soon she’ll see how right he is.  Sharon has a secret that will destroy Nick, blahblah.  “I hate to be right about Sharon, but unfortunately I am, K?”  Yes, he really hates that.  He tells Nikki to come to her senses and come home.   Nothing brings a woman home like telling her how right you are.

 

Abby and Tyler wake up in the hotel room.  Abby is upset for a legitimate reason for once.  She said she’s trying to figure out how her dad could do that to Sharon, where that kind of hatred comes from, and she’s not even a fan of the woman.  Tyler says it is pretty intense.  “That’s my dad,” says Abby.  Tyler has to get to work, so they get up.  Abby finds the bracelet on the floor.  She thinks it was there before and the maid must have dropped it.  Abby must be a morning person because she’s acting unusually rational.  Instead of rolling with that, Tyler says no…it’s Mariah’s.  Abby says, “She was here?  In our room??”  Tyler chin quivers slightly  like he’s going to cry.  Stalkers suck.

 

Some security guy named Jason shows up at Victor’s door.  Jason must be a morning person, too, because he actually caught someone in Victor’s driveway for once.  He says Sharon Newman INSISTS on seeing Victor and he assumes he doesn’t want….but Sharon sweeps in past him like a BOSS.  “You’re going to need a bigger Doberman, Victor.”  Sassy!  He says she’s on the list of people he doesn’t want on his property.  “Well, I live here, and we need to talk.”  He figures it’s about the Cassie impersonator.  Sharon is over her shock, apparently, and is finally acting strong and confident.  Also her hair is in a bun.  Like a power bun.  She can’t believe he was willing to wreck all the progress she made because he believes she’s hiding some secret?  He doesn’t believe it, Sharon, he KNOWS it.  She says, “Well, can you put aside your hatred long enough to help me uncover it?”  Well played, he did not see that coming. 

 

Ugh, the Fantastic Four, I mean Bore, are having breakfast:  Neil, Devon, Lily, and Cane.  They’re talking about Colin being introduced to the twins.  Lily says not to worry, though, because they know who their REAL grandpa is.  Girl, don’t call Neil a grandpa, he’s still got a lot of life left in him in yet.  (At least Colin likes being called Gramps.)  Sultry music for the arrival of Hilary.  Neil hears saxophones just looking at her.  He has a flashback to their passion in Hilary’s suite.  In case you missed it or something.  He sort of freaks out and acts all shifty.  Lily says Devon’s been quiet, is he thinking of his girlfriend , Little Miss Hotness? What? Devon is the Little Miss in that relationship.  He sees Hilary, too, and hears piano and remembers Hilary moaning through the door.  DOES THE AUDIENCE GET IT?  Hilary and Neil DID IT.  His appetite is gone.  Lily finally sees her.  “OMG, why is she still here?  Doesn’t she know she’s not wanted??”  The rest of the table looks at the floor.

 

Avery is on her laptop.  She’s wearing Genoa City Royal Blue.   Dylan says he thought she wasn’t going to get fixated on the comments about her cooking show. She’s says she’s not fixated, Dylan, she’s fascinated.  Big difference.  I can’t even  hate on Avery for this, because I like to read the comments on the recaps.  Less idiotically, one hopes.  Omg, she has been thinking of a NEW RECIPE!  Blahblahblah.  Nick is at the door.  Dylan immediately asks if Ian has done something.  “Actually,” Nick says, “YOUR father is not the reason I’m here.”

 

The Bores discuss how Lily is the last holdout to forgive Hilary.   The others think “everyone deserves a second chance.”  And by “everyone” they mean hot, young women of substance they’re attracted to. Lily’s like yada yada, and Devon walks over to Hilary’s table to both brag about his date with Esme and go fishing for info on Hilary’s “boyfriend.”  She tells Devon that Lily can put her claws away because she’s not going to intrude on them.  She’s ambiguous about the boyfriend stuff.  He asks if there ISN’T someone new in her life, then?  She pulls the “maybe yes, maybe no” card.  So, yes, obviously.

 

Avery sees Nick. Oh, no, what’s Ian done now?  Again Nick says it’s not Ian, it’s what his sorry excuse for a father has done, and he needs some legal advice.  Dylan says he’ll take off so they can talk.  No, bro, Nick wants you to stay and hear this too. Avery tells Nick to start at the beginning.  Nick doesn’t even know what the beginning IS.  He thinks he’s going to have to do something he never thought he’d have to do again.

 

Sharon tells Victor she knows he despises her, but she still needs his help in uncovering whatever it is she can’t remember.  Ah ha!  So she ADMITS SHEHASASECRET.  Yep, her therapist confirmed it, but she needs him to tell her anything he knows so she can try to remember what it is.  This is really taking the wind out of Victor’s sails, having Sharon just admit it all like this.  Victor’s not weakening, though.  He tells her whatever the secret is, it will shatter Nick when he finds out. Ugh, he doesn’t even KNOW that.  Sharon says he knows she loves Nicholas, and she knows he loves him too, so help her with this.  Victor says that won’t sway him.  Sharon’s prepared, she reminds Victor about 20 years ago, when her mother needed surgery,and they had no money, and he paid all their medical bills and flew in a surgeon.  Even after ECT she remembers his amazing kindness, and she wants to repay it…by finding out the secret so they can protect Nicholas.  “So, please, do this for Nick’s sake.”  Help me, help you.  Victor looks at her like he’s trying to figure out her angle.

 

Lily is disgusted that Devon is friends with Hilary.  “Why is that so terrible?” asks idiot Cane.  “It’s terrible because she uses people.  She’s a fraud.”  Oh, trust NEIL, he knows Hilary isn’t interested in her brother or his money.  Lily’s like how would you know?  “Because I’ve seen a side of Hilary that you haven’t.”  BLEEEHHHCH.  Lily knows a double entendre when she hears one.  “Oh, really.  And what side is that?”

 

Tyler tells Abby all about how delusional Mariah is, and that she was staying in the room next door.  Abby shows remarkable restraint.  Maybe she just hasn’t had any coffee yet.  He explains that he has seen her once before, to tell her they were getting married and to stay out of his life, and he should have told Abby then. I mean, he didn’t want to worry her and have her [throw the mother of all drama fits] be upset.  She says, well, why didn’t you tell me last night?  And he’s like, um, because you were totally pissed off about your father and all his crap.  It wasn’t exactly a good time to be dropping Mariah bombs.  She is not mad at Tyler, but she is mad about Mariah leaving the bracelet as her own personal, twisted calling card.  “YOU, I forgive, but Mariah?  I’m going to kick her skanky butt right out of this town.”  Get a latte first, you’re going to need it.  You haven’t seen crazy yet.

 

Nick is telling Avery and Dylan about finding Fake Cassie at the ranch.  Avery sympathizes with Sharon.  He says his dad denies it, and Sharon refuses to press charges against a Cassie lookalike.  “But you want to,” says Avery.  For what?  Misdemeanor breaking and entering?  Nick says he doesn’t take this kind of garbage from anyone, including his dad.  He once reported him to the feds for bribery.  “Now, it caused a serious problem in my family, but I didn’t care then, and I don’t care now.”  Hmm, who does that sound like?  Dylan’s like, ok, so now I get why you were losing your shit when I came to see Nikki.  Nick’s like, IKR?  To think how they were so worried about protecting Nikki from Ian, when the whole time it was her husband tormenting Sharon!  “It makes me sick!  And I want to see my dad pay for it!”  Hmm.  Avery tries to break it to Nick gently that there’s really not a prosecutable case here.  Maybe for malicious malfeasance or harassment, but the victim doesn’t even want to participate.  “ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT MY DAD MIGHT GET AWAY WITH WHAT HE’S DONE TO SHARON?”  Avery’s face says…yeaaaah.

 

Victor’s says, “If this is a test to find out how much I know…if you’re faking this memory loss…”  Sharon swears this is no game.  She HAS memory loss from shock therapy..that she GOT…that she didn’t NEED..because HE HIRED SOMEONE to make her think she hallucinated her dead daughter!! “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” he says, “ you’re blaming ME now for this unnecessary and dangerous medical procedure, is that it?”  O_o   Then Sharon takes a gun out of her purse and shoots him.  Just kidding. She explains her memory loss and that it could come back later or never, so help her figure out what the threat to Nick’s happiness is.  He asks what she thinks he can even do.  He doesn’t know any more than she does.  Sharon says she did find Mariah and ask her about it.  That piques his interest, but sadly, Mariah didn’t know either. Mariah did confirm that Sharon knew what it was before the ECT wiped it out.  “How convenient,” Victor says.  He tells her there is ONE person who knows what the secret is….PHYLLIS.  Sharon looks surprised, and that maybe that’s a bad thing.

 

Neil tells Lily that he and Hilary clicked as colleagues, developed a rapport, and even though she’s Jack’s assistant, HE has come to depend on her in a lot of ways.  So gross.  “Just like she’s depending on you to help her climb the corporate ladder?”  Cane says she has to admit that Hilary’s a hard worker.  Yes, that’s it, Neil says, she’s a hard worker.  People who work that hard deserve to get ahead in life.  So that’s what we call sleeping to the top now.  Lily’s not buying this.  “She really has you two fooled. I hope Devon’s a lot less gullible about his love life.”  Mmm, no.  Neil’s starting to look kind of pissed.

 

Devon is still teasing Hilary and digging for answers about the boyfriend “who was able to storm the castle and capture the princess.”  Well, let Hilary tell Devon something, IF there WERE a guy, he wouldn’t need to storm castles, he would just be HIMSELF, Devon, and let her be who SHE is.  Oh yeah, that’s how that went down, Hilary.  He didn’t storm your castle, knock down the drawbridge and cut off your chastity belt AT ALL.  It was very power balanced.  She walks off in a snotty huff.  Devon’s like, okaaay.

 

Oooo, Abby is pounding on Mariah’s door.  Pound it, girl!  But Mariah’s not in there, she walks up to her in the hallway.  OMGGGGG, Abby says. “It’s you.”  Yep, it’s her, and she criticizes Abby for taking so long to find her.  “You’re  slower than I thought.”  Um, EXCUSE ME? says The Abby Newman.  She is PISSED, and screams why would she want to find her after everything she’s done to her family.  Mariah says she just wants what’s rightfully hers.  Abby says what kind of person profits off other people’s pain??  Mariah is flaming and has tears in her eyes.  "You are such a Newman, thinking it’s all about money!"  Abby’s like WTF? When shirtless Tyler hears them yelling and comes out in the hall.  He says let’s just get this out in the open.  And Abby is like DON’T YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS???  He says It’s Mariah! and she says It’s Cassie!  At the same time.  They’re both stunned. 

 

Dylan tells Nick not to shoot the messenger.  He can’t blame Avery for her legal advice.  Nick apologizes. He says he just can’t stand that his dad is getting away with this.  Avery tells him to look at it this way:  the harshest punishment for Victor is not going to come from a judge, it’s going to come from his whole family turning away from him.  There’s no judge like a Newman judge.  Dylan asks how Nikki’s dealing with it.  Nick says not well…she’s no fan of Sharon’s but it causes her tons of stress when he messes with his kids this way, and it’s bad for her MS.  Dylan says he has some business to take care of, but before he goes, he lets Nick know that’s one more thing they have in common.  Lousy fathers.  Aww…Nick says he’s tried really hard to hate that guy (Dylan).  Avery says “how’s that going?”  “Not well,” says Nick.  Lose a dad, gain a brother.

 

Sharon says, “Phyllis??”  Why would she confide anything to HER?  Victor says that’s right, you two weren’t friends and it’s just really too bad that she can’t tell them what she knows.  This is also convenient. Sharon says she’s been told about the accident and the coma, and feels terrible for Summer.  Victor says it’s a curious thing that she can remember what happened to her mother 20 years ago but not what happened to Phyllis last year.  Um, she loves her mother and hates Phyliss?  Sharon says there are so many holes in her memory, she can’t understand it all, but again, it’s HIS FAULT she doesn’t have the pieces.  So, you’re blaming it on your ECT, he says, clearly implying she’s faking everything as usual.  Then he says, you know, I do believe you love my son in some strange way, and you’ll do what’s best for him, no matter the cost.  

 

Cane asks if Devon is having any luck with Hilary.  Yep, says Devon, and it’s all bad. Ha. He tells Cane how he went up to her room and heard you-know-what going on in there.  Also, she won’t deny she’s seeing someone.  Lily asks Neil how he’s doing, and he is doing fine, no FAAAAN-TASTIC.  She says he doesn’t have to pretend with her, and he can cry on her shoulder.  Um, Lily, Neil is NOT pretending, and he DOESN’T need a good cry.  He’s great and thinks maybe losing Leslie is the best thing that could have happened to him.  Lily looks suspicious about all this attitude he’s throwing around.  He leaves for work.  Devon asks Lily if she got to really talk to Neil yet.  She says it’s a lot worse than she thought.

 

Avery’s explains to Nick that the best he can do is maybe a civil suit, but Nick is distracted by the mess in the kitchen and they talk about her mad cooking skills and new show.  He asks if she can give her chicken cacciatore recipe to Sharon.  She’s like, um, Sharon??  Nick explains they’re back together, and he’s not naïve, but it’s all going to be great now. Avery’s like, we’re talking about Sharon, Nick.  Oh, shut up, Avery.  You didn’t want him anyway.  Nick explains that Sharon was at her worst when he was with Avery, but she’s recovering and is the woman she used to be when they were a family before Cassie died (and he ruined her life by hooking up with Phyllis).  He thinks they have a real shot at rebuilding their life.  It helps that Phyllis is in a coma and Sharon can’t even remember her.  Avery says her advice is to let it go with Victor and focus on the good things in his life.  They hug.

 

Victor starts manipulating Sharon, asking if it’s a good idea for her to be so involved with Nick knowing it will all fall apart later.  RUN, SHARON!  Instead she gets small, and says they’re a family now, and they’re good for each other.  He’s like, yeah, for now, but sooner or later it will all come out and he will LOATHE you, he will RESENT you, is that what you want?  She shakes her head.  He says then do the right thing for [Victor] everyone concerned and END IT.  Get out of his life, now.  She leaves with her head down.  Ugh, NO.  Victor just shakes his head like he just can’t deal with these damn kids these days.  Get off his lawn.

 

Tyler displays his pecs while Abby has to EXPLAIN to dumbass Tyler that Mariah is the one her dad hired to torment Sharon. She’s like YOU’VE SEEN Cassie’s pictures. Don’t you GET IT?  Ummmm…you can see the smoke coming out his ears as his brain works overtime to figure out what’s going on.  She says Mariah didn’t just come back for you, she’s a lot more dangerous than that!  She threatens Mariah with the police and storms back into her room.  Damn, I thought she was going to rip her face off.  Tyler tells Mariah of all the horrible things she’s done this has got to be the worst.  She says you know better than that.  What does that mean? That she’s done WORSE things??  She tells him to call off his guard dog girlfriend or he’ll regret it.

 

Lily stupidly thinks Neil is total denial of how terribly he’s hurting.  She leaves.  Cane tells Devon maybe Hilary doesn’t have a boyfriend and it was just sex.  Devon doesn’t like that much better.

 

Meanwhile, Neil hilariously rushes up to Hilary’s room and acts all sly looking around so no one sees him and then YELLS, It’s ME!  She opens up and they’re all over each other.  Blech.

 

Dylan appears in Victor’s living room.  Victor’s pissed.  Dylan says the security guy let him in, and Victor’s like you’re only welcome when Nikki’s here and she’s out.  How is Dylan supposed to know if she’s there?  They have a terse conversation and Dylan figures out that Nikki left him.  He says well now you made it easier for Ian Ward to get to her.  That riles him up.  Don’t you worry about Ian Ward!  There’s no way he’s going to get to my wife!  YOUGOTIT?

 

Someone rings Avery’s doorbell and leaves.  There’s a package for her.  It’s a box of roses.

 

Nick gets back to the cottage, and tells Sharon he got some excellent advice and is feeling so good about things, and starts kissing her.  But stupid Victor got in her head and she pulls away and says they have to end it before she eventually breaks his heart and  Faith’s.  YOU JUST TOLD FAITH LAST NIGHT that you’re together.  Give this kid a break!

 

Abby’s on the phone with the cops, but Tyler grabs it out of her hand.  She’s angry and asks if he’s protecting Mariah.  Tyler’s like we  have NO PROOF of anything she did.  Abby says well, she KNOWS she doesn’t have any of that proof stuff, but she’s THE Abby Newman.  Tyler says to forget about her, and she yells that she’ll never never forget about it.  Mariah listens in the hallway and smiles.

 

Hilary tells Neil his family won’t accept her, and he thinks maybe this is Hilary’s hangup, not his family’s.  She’s like maybe, and they kiss.

 

Dylan asks if he’s having Nikki followed. He’s like that’s none of his business.  Dylan’s like somehow I think that’s more about him than her safety.  He says Dylan should have thought of that before he brought that scum Ian back into their lives.  Point to Victor.  Dylan regrets that.  Just remember, “I will do anything to protect my family.  Anything.”  So he’s heard.  One day Nikki will realize he’s right, omg, stop saying the same thing over and over and over.  He tells Dylan to leave.

 

Avery calls Dylan to thank him for the flowers, and of course, Dylan did not send them.

 

Nick asks who put this idea in Sharon’s head.  Sharon freezes and says NOBODY with the worst poker face ever.  He doesn’t believe her.  Blah blah she’s going to break his heart when the secret comes out, and again, Nick says it’s not going to matter.  She says what if it’s really really really terrible and she doesn’t want to drag him down.  Sharon…she won’t drag him down, they hold each other up.  Whatever happens, happens to both of them.  He doesn’t want to talk about secrets anymore, and they kiss, and go upstairs.  Nice shot of their wedding picture from 20 years ago.  Nostalgia!  You can’t defeat Shick, Victor.  YOUGOTTHAT?

Edited May 2, 2014 by peach

[peach]

The power of italics!

[canucktvwatcher]

Damn, just watched today's Canadian, and Jackie and NuKelly are breathing so hard when they lock lips I thought one of them might be having a coronary. Just one cheesy moment in this big block of Swiss today.

[crosby777]

 

p.s. The Vertigo banter was just... weird.

The whole fucking show is just weird.

 

Damn, just watched today's Canadian, and Jackie and NuKelly are breathing so hard when they lock lips I thought one of them might be having a coronary. Just one cheesy moment in this big block of Swiss today.

Wasn't it just so icky????  I just can't.

[marshmallow]

C'mon now, you know there's gotta be a line of boner pills that Tricky Vic's R&D department developed - Viva Urge!

LOL - It's called BONER-venture.

[Joimiaroxeu]

It was very power balanced.

Not sure I agree with that. Yeah, Hilary eventually caved but Neil pursued her in a way which had him repeatedly violating her personal space and lording his taller height and larger physical presence over her. I'm not going to be surprised if he gets his panties in a twist about her talking to Devon (or some other guy) and starts causing problems for her at work.

 

Um, Lily, Neil is NOT pretending, and he DOESN’T need a good cry.  He’s great and thinks maybe losing Leslie is the best thing that could have happened to him.

Neil had been reading some of Lily's girly magazines and he saw an article titled, "The Best Way to Get Over Your Lost Love? Get Under a New One." Neil took the advice but sort of got his prepositions confused.

 

Oh, shut up, Avery.  You didn’t want him anyway.

Really, I couldn't believe she had the nerve to be getting snarky about Sharon. I guess in her mind the romantic concept of One True Love only applies to her and Dylan.

 

“How convenient,” Victor says.  He tells her there is ONE person who knows what the secret is….PHYLLIS.

Wonder how long it'll take for Victor to decide that Sharon must have tried to kill Phyllis in order to maintain the big secret. Geez, can't that guy get a hobby? Like running a major international company?

[marshmallow]

She HAS memory loss from shock therapy..that she GOT…that she didn’t NEED..because HE HIRED SOMEONE to make her think she hallucinated her dead daughter!! “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” he says, “ you’re blaming ME now for this unnecessary and dangerous medical procedure, is that it?

 

Victor sure has some nerve.  I love how he thinks she's faking the whole thing too.

 

I hope Nick decides to settle this in KANGAROO COURT!!  No one's using the Abbott cabin right now, are they?

[peach]

Not sure I agree with that. Yeah, Hilary eventually caved but Neil pursued her in a way which had him repeatedly violating her personal space and lording his taller height and larger physical presence over her. I'm not going to be surprised if he gets his panties in a twist about her talking to Devon (or some other guy) and starts causing problems for her at work.

  The power balanced comment was sarcastic.  She had just said something to stupid to Devon that the right guy wouldn't be "storming the castle," he would just be himself and let her be who SHE is, and I said that wasn't how that went down at all.  It was NOT power balanced, not socially or physically.  He definitely stormed the castle.

Really, I couldn't believe she had the nerve to be getting snarky about Sharon. I guess in her mind the romantic concept of One True Love only applies to her and Dylan.

 

IKR?  Not to mention she was the one who left NICK at the altar for her One True Love.  But everything she does is pure as the driven snow.  At least she was nice at the end and gave him a hug.

[pearlite]

Sharon says, “Phyllis??”  Why would she confide anything to HER?  Victor says that’s right, you two weren’t friends and it’s just really too bad that she can’t tell them what she knows. (courtesy Peach)

 

Yeah, Phyllis can't tell anybody, because it turns out she was really married to a vampire, and it was catching. So she isn't really in a coma, she just sleeps a lot in the daytime when Jack or Summer call. (GH humour, so to speak)

[Suby]

LOL - It's called BONER-venture.

Ah ha ha ha ha!  Good One!  hee hee

[photo fox]

I hope Nick decides to settle this in KANGAROO COURT!!  No one's using the Abbott cabin right now, are they?

 

I would pay to see this.

[peacheslatour]

OMG, Kelly is wearing Genoa City Royal Blue today!  Is this going to be like the chicken shirt on Roseanne?  Everybody will wear GCRB on at least one occasion until the jumbo bolt of fabric (they got the rockin' deal on) is made into dresses, blouses, tuxedos, etc.

[peach]

OMG, Kelly is wearing Genoa City Royal Blue today!  Is this going to be like the chicken shirt on Roseanne?  Everybody will wear GCRB on at least one occasion until the jumbo bolt of fabric (they got the rockin' deal on) is made into dresses, blouses, tuxedos, etc.

This is getting sad, because now I can't wait to see this garment.  lol   Avery's blouse yesterday was definitely the same material as Summer's dress was the day before.  It's not even a nice color?

[peach]

Yeah, Phyllis can't tell anybody, because it turns out she was really married to a vampire, and it was catching.

 

Phyllis could be a vampire.  She definitely sucks.

[Snaporaz]

 

Hilary’s a hard worker.  Yes, that’s it, Neil says, she’s a hard worker.  People who work that hard deserve to get ahead in life.  So that’s what we call sleeping to the top now.

You have to admit, it takes a lot.of.hard.work. to feign interest in Neil.  It took a lot of effort just to type "Neil" and "interest" in the same sentence!

If I have to pick a Best Line(s) of the Recap, it might be this, just because I had the same reaction:

 

She HAS memory loss from shock therapy..that she GOT…that she didn’t NEED..because HE HIRED SOMEONE to make her think she hallucinated her dead daughter!! “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” he says, “ you’re blaming ME now for this unnecessary and dangerous medical procedure, is that it?”  O_o   Then Sharon takes a gun out of her purse and shoots him.  Just kidding.

But THIS line is sure giving it a run for its money:

 

Lily says Devon’s been quiet, is he thinking of his girlfriend , Little Miss Hotness? What? Devon is the Little Miss in that relationship.

Happy weekend, everybody!

[atomationage]

The two biggest laughs for me from  the last two recaps:

 

He says she and Phyllis have one thing in common, they know how to cut right to the heart of things.  Kelly just does it so much more quietly and with her hands in her lap.

and this one:

 

Oh, trust NEIL, he knows Hilary isn’t interested in her brother or his money.  Lily’s like how would you know?  “Because I’ve seen a side of Hilary that you haven’t.”  BLEEEHHHCH.  Lily knows a double entendre when she hears one.  “Oh, really.  And what side is that?”

Excellent writing, Peach!  I don't know how you do it.  You must have some serious typing skills. 

[peach]

Fri May 2, 2014  Baby Fever in Genoa City

 

Dylan stares down Avery’s roses.  They don't flinch.  Nobody knows anything about them.  Dylan says it’s just weird. Avery says her secret admirer wants to stay secret.  Dylan thinks he knows who it is.

 

Ian Ward shows up at the police station.  Paul asks if he’s there for the doughnuts. Now he wants to report that someone was following him last night, which I can tell you from personal experience, the police do not consider a crime.  He’s confident that it was the same person who trashed his hotel room.  He thinks he knows who it is.  It kills him to say it, but he thinks his son is terrorizing him.  I like how there is zero evidence that either of these things even happened, much less who did it.

 

Stitch runs into Grace Kelly at the coffee shop.  She’s wearing Genoa City Royal Blue (GCRB). He wants to talk to her. She says they said everything they had to say to each other at the gym.  I concur.  Stitch says he knows she hates him for what he did and will never forgive him.  “You destroyed my family,” she says.  “And you destroyed mine.  So are we even??”  Is she going to lob some more hand grenades in his life or keep her mouth shut?

 

Billy’s being incompetent at work.  Shocker.  Jack asks him what what’s up.  “You mean besides the continuing saga of my crappy life?”  Jack’s like, good God, what’s happened since YESTERDAY?  Billy gets worked up like a Chihuahua, telling him about overhearing Stitch and Kelly talking about what Stitch “has to live with the rest of his life.”  Kelly totally knows his secret, and since Billy can’t “persuade” Stitch to tell him, lol, Jack has got to find it out before Stitch gets any closer to Victoria!  That’s not going to get the international sales figures on Jack’s desk any faster, Billy.

 

Victoria’s on the phone with the doctor’s office.  Yes, her home pregnancy test was positive.

 

Chelsea and Chloe are having lunch, acting normal and going over Chelsea’s designs.  You guys, they are like the best work she’s ever done!  How is that even POSSIBLE?  It’s all going great, and they’re super happy about being besties again, blah blah.  Chelsea says she’s glad to see Chloe so happy.  Oh, she’s happy because…she’s going to have a baby!!  Just when Chelsea thought everything was going so well.

 

Kelly’s like why shouldn't I tell people your secret, Stitch?  They banter back and forth about whether or not Kelly will tell.  He asks if she’s getting some kind of sick thrill out of holding it over his head.  She says this isn’t a game to her, and he’s like, really?   Because she knows Billy is looking for answers and she’s the only one who has them.  She’s the only one that could have told Jenna.  Kelly switches gears and pulls the “I was in a bad place” card.  Her life had been destroyed and she saw him all happy, married with a baby, and she couldn’t stand it, so that’s the real reason she told.  He says she destroyed his life, so are they finally even?  She says she’s [kissing Jack] getting better now, and agrees it’s time they both moved on with their lives.

 

Jack tells Billy he did bring up Stitch to Kelly once, and apparently they were close, but had a falling out.  Billy says that means she covering for him!  Jack says it means she doesn’t want to talk about it.  He says if it comes up, he’ll see what he can find out but he is NOT GOING TO SPY for him.  Billy settles down a little and says he doesn’t want to mess up things for Jack and Kelly since this is his first love interest since Phyllis went sleepy-bye.  But Billy’s going to find out what Stitch is hiding on his own.  Jack sighs.  I guess no work is getting done today.

 

Michael confronts Kevin about not returning his calls.  Kevin insists he’s been swamped with work.  Michael says Chloe told Lauren that Kevin had given up on the marriage.  Kevin’s like, you were right, a piece of paper wouldn’t get us back together, and it didn’t, and he’s trying to accept it.

 

Chelsea smiles and says it’s great that Chloe and Kevin are having a baby.  Oh, Kevin?  No, THEY aren’t having a baby, CHLOE is having a baby.  Soon.  Chelsea is confused, natch, and Chloe explains how she’ll never be in love with Kevin, and he finally accepts that, and they’re both moving on with their lives, except they’re still married.  Chelsea is trying to take all this in politely, and asks if she isn’t having a baby with Kevin, then who IS she having a baby with [and is this baby named Connor]? Chloe just smiles a mischievous little smile.  With very bright red lipstick.  Crazy lipstick.

 

Paul tells Ian he deals in facts, and Ian’s provided him no facts about this alleged incident.  In fact, there was no evidence in the hotel room that points to anyone at all.  Ian wants Paul to investigate to prove that Dylan is NOT doing these things.  I don’t think that’s how investigations work.  Cricket comes in and they have a stiff exchange about she plans on him being re-tried, and Ian leaves.  “What was that all about,” she asks Paul.  “Dylan.”

 

Dylan, of course, thinks Ian sent the roses.  Avery says when Ian taunts someone he WANTS them to know it was him.  But Dylan says he won’t let Ian get away with this, whether he did it or not, I guess.  Avery says he promised her he wouldn’t let Ian get to him.  The camera crew arrives.

 

Michael challenges Kevin, “so you just suddenly woke up in the morning and realized that Chloe is never going to love you?”  Kevin says people have epiphanies all the time, like Britney Spears after she shaved her head.  Ha.  He admits that he overheard Chloe tell Chelsea that without Connor and Chelsea she has Nothing.  He gets it.  Kevin = Nothing.  Michael says he’s sorry.  Kevin says it’s actually kind of a relief, because it was exhausting always trying to get Chloe to believe they could have a life together.  Everything is exhausting with Chloe.  He just wants to get on with his life.  Michael keeps pushing that it has to be killing him inside.  Kevin tried, but it’s not going to work for a whole bunch of reasons.  Michael says but you’re still married and living in the same house.  Kevin says he made a commitment with no strings attached.  Michael says that’s [stupid] admirable, but he needs to think of himself.  He can get Kevin out of his legal commitment to Chloe…if he wants him to.

 

Chloe tells Chelsea she does have someone in mind to be the father of her baby.  NOT Kevin.  So is she seeing someone else?  Oh, God no, says Chelsea.  But she knows who she wants, and this person will just be a donor.  Chelsea says, you’re going to get someone to give you his sperm??  “Not just someone…my baby’s father is going to be funny, sweet, sensitive.  He’s going to [be overwhelmingly stupid] push boundaries, march to the beat of his own drum, a charmer who can get into and out of any situation just by flashing his sexy smile.  This man is going to help me make another Delia.”   I wish we could have a flashback to Billy’s speech about his gutter tendencies and overwhelming stupidity.    Chelsea is almost speechless.  She says Delia is irreplaceable and has left a huge void in Chloe.  And having this baby is going to make everything okay, Chloe says.  “Chloe…having a new baby is NOT going to make everything okay.”  I think she needs to do that high school lesson where you have to carry around an egg for a week and not let it break.

 

Victoria is rushing out the door, and Billy walks in.  It’s his day to see Johnny.  Victoria totally forgot and Johnny’s out with Hannah.  He accuses her of keeping Johnny from him.  She’s been so forgetful, she can’t even find her phone.  Billy picks it up, uh-oh, right next to the the giant pregnancy test box on top of the wastebasket next to her desk, that he doesn't see.  “What’s going on, Victoria?” She says nothing is going on, she just spaced out, and she is not trying to keep him from Johnny.  It was an honest mistake.  Billy apologizes. Hannah texts and says she will bring Johnny right back.  Victoria says she’s leaving, but Billy can wait for Johnny there.  He says it’s good to know they will always put their son first.

 

Kelly brings Jack some papers.  At least someone does their job around there. He says she could have emailed it, but she says she wanted to see him.  She wants to see if he’s doing okay since their talk about Phyllis.  She doesn’t want to push him into anything he’s not ready for.  Blah blah, he seems pretty ready to me. She’s going to take him on a date to see Italian films.  Because they are classing up this show, dammit.

 

The film crew is setting up at Avery’s. Dimples the camera man never doubted for a minute that she would win over the audience.  Oh, Dimples is named Austin.  He has the best hair this show has seen since Danny Romalotti.  Dylan has to leave, but he wants Dimples to keep an eye out for anything weird going on because he’s worried since Avery got the secret flowers.  Dimples is like, they’re just roses, and it’s better to have overzealous fans than no fans.  Soap stars would know.  Dylan’s still worried because he’s a worrier and then there’s the message board. Dimples says he needs to take that stuff in stride.  He will try, but if anyone messes with Avery, they won’t be for long.

 

Cricket asks Paul how far HE thinks Dylan would go to protect the ones he loves?  Paul says it’s possible Dylan is doing it, but there’s a long list of people who would like to see Ian sweat and most of them are Newmans.  Cricket says as a private citizen it doesn’t bother her at all.  Paul says same for him but he IS the police chief and has to follow up.  Cricket says they haven’t had a chance to talk about babies since their dinner with Lauren, and Paul says he’s thought about it a lot.  Okay, then…do you want to have a baby??  Paul smiles.  I hope she doesn’t want to use Billy for this.

 

Dylan’s so worried he’s literally wringing his hands, which is suspiciously like rubbing his fists.  He’s going to leave so Avery can focus.  Dimples is ready to shoot. 

 

Chloe doesn’t get what Chelsea doesn’t understand.  She wanted a baby after she gave up Johnny, had a miscarriage, and then had another child.  Chelsea’s like, I had a husband, and we were starting a life together, plus Connor wasn’t even planned.  Chloe says she’s thought the whole thing through, but Chelsea says she isn’t thinking clearly.  That did it, Chloe pounds the table and yells she IS thinking clearly, and why do people keep on SAYING THAT??  People stare.  Chelsea tells her it’s too soon, and she’s still mourning Delia.  Chloe says she’ll be doing that her whole life, she can’t let that stop her from [doing crazy shit] living.  Chelsea does not think this is the right way to move forward, and what, um, does her therapist say about this?  Ohhhh….she hasn’t told her therapist.  Chelsea’s warning lights go off, and Chloe says she will tell the therapist but she already knows that this is right and will make her whole again…IF it’s with the right man.

 

The right man is playing blocks with Johnny because he’s The Ultimate Father now.  Johnny is super cute.  He answers the door, and it’s STITCH.  Neither is happy about it.  Stitch has brought Victoria some chicken soup because she hasn’t been feeling well.  Well, that’s strange that she didn’t tell BILLY about it, because when you’re separated you’re required to report any incidents of vomiting.

 

Victoria’s in the doctor’s office.  “Congratulations, Victoria, you are pregnant.” She’s stunned.

 

Cricket says they can talk about it later.  Do these two have a home anywhere??  Paul says they should talk about it now.  He says being a father has always been a challenge for him.  He never thought the chance would come up again. “And now that it has?”  He says the timing is certainly better and they could pass for mature adults now (maybe a little “too” mature for this), but what made her suddenly change her mind about babies?  She says part of it is doing it before it gets too late, but, but…she cries and says she always thought she wouldn’t be a good mother, so she put it aside and devoted herself to her career.  But now something’s missing.  She talks about imagining a child with him, and then brings up every expensive thing about it like braces and college tuition.  I thought this was supposed to persuade him.  Wait, it does!  Kisses and hugs.

 

Victoria can’t believe it because it’s a medical miracle.  Everything looks great so far, but they will keep an eye on her.  The doc notices that she’s recently undergone fertility treatments so she probably can’t wait to tell her husband.  Victoria isn’t sure and  TELLS THE DOCTOR she doesn’t know if Billy’s the father.  Right.  She’s like…ooohhh.  Well…her records are completely confidential, so she should probably find out the other dude’s medical history when she gets a chance.

 

Stitch tells Billy it wasn’t that serious, and says he doesn’t want to intrude on his time with Johnny.  Billy doesn’t want Stitch coming by without an invitation.  This is HIS house, Johnny is HIS son, and Victoria is HIS wife.  Stitch smirks and says, for now.  Billy says he’s a cocky son-of-a-bitch for someone who’s hiding something, and Billy’s gonna find out what it is.  Stitch says look all you want, you won’t find a thing.  “Don’t bet on it, Doc,” says Billy, and  shuts the door in Stitch’s face.

 

Jack and Kelly walk in the park.  The film was so…Italian.  He wants to know why no one in a foreign film can be honest and forthright?  WTF?  She’s like weren’t you blown away by the shots of ROME? He says he’d rather just go there.  It’s good to be billionaire.  They passionately kiss.  They have their usual “I overstepped” conversation.  Are you on a date, or not?  Finally, they are NOT overstepping and start kissing like it’s been 100 years since either one of them did this.

 

Kevin asks Michael if he doesn’t have someone else who needs his attention.  They have an argument about how this is too much of a sacrifice for Kevin, but he says he owes Chloe for all the times she’s stood by him, and besides, he thinks it’s WORKING.  Since he backed off, Chloe’s been doing much, much better.  At concocting crazy plans.

 

Chloe thought Chelsea of all people would be glad to see her happy again.  Of course Chelsea wants her to be happy. Chloe says this will be good for Chelsea too, because she can devote all her crazy onto this baby instead of Connor.  Chelsea begs her to think about it more, but Chloe has already found her donor.  “We are going to make an AMAZING child.”

 

Amazing, intelligent Billy has just now come up with the idea of searching THE INTERNET for information about Stitch.  He is ON the case, you guys.  Victoria’s doctor says to start taking prenatal vitamins right away, and to call her with any concerns.  They hug.  I’m pretty sure I’ve never hugged my OB.  She walks out the door into an apparently random hallway, and STITCH IS THERE.  “What are you doing here??” I don’t know, Stitch, what are you doing there?  Are you an OB now?  This hospital has two hallways, I guess.

 

Dimples and Avery chit chat about her Crème Brulee French Toast.  His girlfriend will never have a cooking show, that’s for sure.  He suggests putting the roses in the shot with her.  She feels kind of weird about it.  Apparently Dimples is the stalker. 

 

Ian walks in his hotel room and is shocked to see Dylan there.  Scared, even.  I hope they don’t have to listen to Neil and Hilary getting it on.

 

That wraps up the week!  South of the border, that is.

Edited May 3, 2014 by peach

[Snaporaz]

First, let me say I've finally noticed the GCBlue y'all have been talking about on Kelly and Avery today.  Kelly even had matching eye makeup.  Speaking of makeup:

 

Chloe just smiles a mischievous little smile.  With very bright red lipstick.  Crazy lipstick.

Is she buying this lipstick at Costco or something?  Not only was it bright, it looked like she was wearing two pounds of it.  And, yes, she looked freaking Joker-caliber insane.

 

 

(Paul) says being a father has always been a challenge for him.

Funny, he always made it look so easy!  Just don't see them from the time their infants until they've finished college!

 

 

Dimples is named Austin.  He has the best hair this show has seen since Danny Romalotti.

Nobody could rock mousse like Danny.  Until now!

 

 

Ian walks in his hotel room and is shocked to see Dylan there.  Scared, even.  I hope they don’t have to listen to Neil and Hilary getting it on.

Best Line of the Recap!

 

I hope you're having a great time in Mexico, peach!  

Edited May 3, 2014 by Snaporaz

[peach]

I hope you're having a great time in Mexico, peach!  

 

I wish!  That happened a couple of years ago!

Is she buying this lipstick at Costco or something?  Not only was it bright, it looked like she was wearing two pounds of it.  And, yes, she looked freaking Joker-caliber insane.

 

That's her Crazy Lipstick.  She was wearing it when she cut up the dress at the fashion show.  It's a warning sign.  The rest of the time she wears pink.

[Snaporaz]

Oh, sorry!  I misunderstood. When you said, "That wraps up the week!  South of the border, that is.", I thought you were south of the border.  Didn't mean to tease you with dreams of vacation!

[peach]

Oh, sorry!  I misunderstood. When you said, "That wraps up the week!  South of the border, that is.", I thought you were south of the border.  Didn't mean to tease you with dreams of vacation!

South of the CANADIAN border.  LOL!

[miamama]

I’m pretty sure I’ve never hugged my OB.

 

IKR? lol

 

Damn, just watched today's Canadian, and Jackie and NuKelly are breathing so hard when they lock lips I thought one of them might be having a coronary. Just one cheesy moment in this big block of Swiss today.

 

I was struck by how not noisy they were, actually. (Perhaps this speaks to the sound on my laptop?) Or maybe it's because I ship them and poor Jack needs to get some. In any case, NuKelly is a far better onscreen kisser than the horror show that was CW when she almost ate off Billy Miller's face during the TRYST brought on by grief over dead children.

[Joimiaroxeu]

Avery says her secret admirer wants to stay secret.  Dylan thinks he knows who it is.

Dylan, Billy, and Victor are all vexed and perplexed by secrets. They should form a support group.

 

Billy gets worked up like a Chihuahua

Heh, maybe someone should take him to the dog park and let him run some of that yapping energy off.

 

Amazing, intelligent Billy has just now come up with the idea of searching THE INTERNET for information about Stitch. 

I loved the way that fake website was called Internet Search. I guess that's so no one confuses it with Easter Egg Hunt or Search for Tomorrow.

 

I hope they don’t have to listen to Neil and Hilary getting it on.

Ew. Hello, Room Service? Do you have any industrial strength earplugs? No? How about a fire hose?

 

Chloe just smiles a mischievous little smile.  With very bright red lipstick.  Crazy lipstick.

Any day now Chloe will show up wearing a coat made out of 101 Dalmation pelts.

 

I don’t know, Stitch, what are you doing there?  Are you an OB now?

So, wonder what the odds are that at some point Stitch is going to use the hospital's medical records system to find out what's going on with Victoria. Because he's just a chivalrous guy who looks out for the health of the ladies he gets preg--er, dates.

[Suby]

 

Billy’s being incompetent at work.  Shocker.  Jack asks him what what’s up.  “You mean besides the continuing saga of my crappy life?”  Jack’s like, good God, what’s happened since YESTERDAY?  Billy gets worked up like a Chihuahua, telling him about overhearing Stitch and Kelly talking about what Stitch “has to live with the rest of his life.”  Kelly totally knows his secret, and since Billy can’t “persuade” Stitch to tell him, lol, Jack has got to find it out before Stitch gets any closer to Victoria!  That’s not going to get the international sales figures on Jack’s desk any faster, Billy.

This is my favorite paragraph.  A Chihuahua, lol.   Cinco De Mayo is on Monday.  DT is horrendous, it's not getting any better. 

What the hell is with all the SECRETS?  So intriguing!  Not.

 

Are you an OB now?

Yes a back seat OB

 

Do these two have a home anywhere??

I wonder if Pauly Tight Pants still has that apartment with the two hands statue?

Joimiaroxeu I think we were quoting/typing the same things at the same time, lol

[PatsyandEddie]

Peach, I don't know how you do it but I'm so glad you do!!! 

 

I thought of The Joker too Snaporaz.  I guess nothing screams " I am CRAZEE!" like bright red lips smeared across half of your face.

 

If Stitch is a backseat OB, then I'd hug my OB too! HA!

 

Gawd I love Ray Wise!!

[glowlights]

OMG, Kelly is wearing Genoa City Royal Blue today!  Is this going to be like the chicken shirt on Roseanne?  Everybody will wear GCRB on at least one occasion until the jumbo bolt of fabric (they got the rockin' deal on) is made into dresses, blouses, tuxedos, etc.

 

GC, Fashion Capitol Of The World, hasn't got the memo that Radiant Orchid is the 2014 color of the year. Quit with the electric blue boogaloo!

And yeah, I'm completely sick of EVERYONE on the show wearing it. To the point that I saw someone wearing that color at the car wash yesterday (my glamorous life) and thought, "Ugh, woman, change your blouse!"

 

Frankly, I'm surprised I can see anything at all since my eyes were seared by accidentally not hitting FF quickly enough when Neil and Hillary were all over each other.  One second of that mess and I want hazard pay. (How does Peach manage? We should send her care packages.)

[Snaporaz]

 

Billy’s being incompetent at work.  Shocker.

I hate coming to Billy's defense here, but why does Jack expect the head of R&D to have the international sales figures?  Not exactly his department, is it?

[peach]

I hate coming to Billy's defense here, but why does Jack expect the head of R&D to have the international sales figures?  Not exactly his department, is it?

Temporary R&D, at that.

[peach]

Mon May 5, 2014
Chelsea and Chloe continue discussing her crazy baby plan.  Chloe says she can’t wait for the Immaculate Conception, and also, she’s the least datable person in this town, along with her mother.  Nice.  She is ready to get started NOW with the guy that’s her donor.  Chelsea’s surprised the donor isn’t anonymous and Chloe apparently knows the guy.  I guess Chelsea thought  "funny, sweet, sensitive.  He’s going to push boundaries, march to the beat of his own drum, a charmer who can get into and out of any situation just by flashing his sexy smile” was the description in the sperm bank portfolio.

 

Billy is intently doing his Internet Search on Benjamin Rayburn, MD.

 

Benjamin Rayburn, MD, meanwhile , is being a nosy Nelly, grilling Victoria on why she’s at the hospital.  Is she sick, is she shaky, is she nauseous like at the park??  HIPAA, Stitch, maybe you’ve heard of it.

 

Kelly is hyperventilating while kissing Jack, but she does NOT want to stop, y’all.  Jack says maybe they should take this somewhere private.  And get a paper bag.

 

Avery is shooting her dumb cooking show.  You can use brioche if you want to in this recipe.  Someone knocks on the door.  Dimples the camera man gets bitchy, saying we need to get a sign on the door that says Taping In Progress.  You’re not exactly in a studio, what do you expect?  Avery is SO SORRY, for living in an apartment, I guess.  It’s Leslie, and she wants Avery to “take a break” from filming, she says with contempt.  Avery’s like, I took the day off, so if this is a legal issue…Oh, no.  It’s PERSONAL, and it CAN’T wait.  Leslie’s kinda bossy today, you guys.  Where is Dr. Barton Shelby??

 

Ian tells Dylan it’s a nice surprise to see him in his hotel room.  Dylan says his eyes say otherwise, and maybe he knows he’s NOT untouchable now.  “Now, you’re framing this visit in contentious terms,” says Ian.  “It doesn’t have to be this way.”  Using big words makes Dylan mad.  He thinks Ian wants to bother his friends and family and make sure he knows about it.  Ian says he just wants to live in Genoa City because it’s so wonderful.  I mean, who DOESN’T want to live there?  Ian says he thinks Dylan broke in before and is there this time as a threat.  He admits he’s afraid of Dylan and wants to call the police.  Dylan hands him the phone and says, “Knock yourself out.”  Dylan isn't super smart.

 

So, it’s night outside the hospital, so this OB works some late hours.  Stitch is pretty damn worried about Victoria’s nausea, like throwing up from a park hotdog is some oddity.  Victoria lies and says she’s there because she’s on a charity board for pediatric oncology.  Stitch thinks she’s a great parent, which he likes because he doesn’t get to raise his own kid.  Victoria is sure [hopes] he’s a wonderful father.  He apologizes for the stupid hotdog again, and she is like can we never talk about it again?  Amen.  He says she perked up his shift.  She awkwardly leaves.

 

Billy sits in the dark like Sam Spade, confused frowning again.  How can Stitch not leave a trace on the Internet?  How??

 

Chloe is hemming and hawing about how she doesn’t KNOW the guy, she just knows OF the guy.  She just knows his genetics and education and such.  “I mean, it’s not like I’m making a baby with some schmoe!”  You’re NOT??  Chelsea says, right, no, of course not.  But this whole thing seems so…[nutso] spur of the moment,  she hasn’t really had time to plan.  “Coming from a woman who’s had two oopsie pregnancies?”  That’s kind of Chelsea’s point. She says first she tricked Billy into bed, then she lied to Adam about Connor’s paternity.  She  says it was “awful and stupid and selfish and wrong.”  And babies deserve stability and security…hint hint?  But Chloe’s all, hey, it doesn’t matter, because Johnny and Connor have amazing lives now! Does Chloe even pay attention??  Johnny’s parents are getting a divorce, and Connor’s already been kidnapped twice, plus his murdering dad got murdered, by Johnny’s murdering dad. Haha! What are the odds?  Chelsea wants to know how she’s even had time to research a donor?  And has she told her doctor about her, um, recent history?  “That I’m a wacko?” asks Chloe.  “NO!  You are NOT a wacko, you’re just, um..”  “A woman trying to find her way into the land of the living like I promised you I would.”  Chelsea’s a stickler for details though, reminding Chloe that she promised her THERAPY, not PREGNANCY.  Chloe is getting pissed that Chelsea isn’t supporting her, but Chelsea asks if she’s thought about what a baby needs, or about Kevin, or about anyone but herself.

 

Kelly is so beautiful Jack just wants to kiss her again.  “Then do it!!”  Kiss kiss breathe breathe.  They decide to go somewhere private, but they can’t agree whose place to go to because Billy stays at Jack’s, and she screwed Billy at her place once, and if they go to the club someone might see them, andohwhocaresletsdoit.  I guess Kelly is going to have to move now or burn her couch or something.

 

Avery introduces Leslie to Dimples.  “Another lawyer who’s a looker, what are the odds?”  Because ugly lawyers are SUCH a stereotype.  Leslie’s bitch face is worsening, and she wants to know if Avery’s on that break yet, that she demanded about 15 seconds ago.  Dimples is all, heeey, you two talk business on camera, it will be awesome like when Avery took that call in her pilot.  He just needs a release from Leslie so he can [stalk] film her too.  Leslie declines, and Avery takes five, so Leslie can bitch at her for doing a cooking show, and to talk about Ian Ward.  So Avery’s like, um, this IS business, then.  Leslie says Avery’s boyfriend is harassing her client, and it needs to stop, NOW.  Oh, no, she didn’t.  Avery says,”I’m sorry, but Ian complained to you about a son he produced by violating a young woman?”  Leslie’s slightly sheepish,and Avery asks how on earth Ian sucked her in?

 

Ian spins his mistrial as being “found innocent.”  Dylan’s like, um, no.  Someone just hates you enough to try to get on the jury to punish you.  Ian scolds Dylan for admiring anyone’s desire to violate the sanctity of jury service…that appeals to you?  They argue.  Ian claims he helped the evil juror’s son because he was raised in lies and deception, just like Dylan was.  “YOU DON’T GET TO TALK ABOUT MY PARENTS!” yells Dylan.  Ian gets scary intense, goading Dylan into more anger while criticizing it.  I can help you, I can, he scary whispers.  Dylan is like back off, you sick sonofabitch.  You need to get out of town, makes no difference how.  Ian says he’s going to call the police after all.

 

Omgosh, Fen makes an appearance. He’s eating sandwiches with Summer in the park.    He’s been auditing classes at GCU.  Summer jokes that it’s a lot better than almost joining a cult or overdosing on speed.  They laugh about their checkered pasts.   Summer says this is what his life was supposed to be like before everything went wrong and she almost lost him.  Well, he’s back, and Summer hopes maybe everyone she’s lost will come back.  Now on to their class assignment which is "controversial workplace issues."  How about…nepotism?!  No?  Fen wants to talk to Ian Ward about The Path so he can expose him.  Summer’s like, are you crazy?

 

Dylan thinks Ian is extorting money from him, when he couldn’t even get 5 million out of Nikki.  He accuses of him of harassing Avery with messages and flowers, and Ian waves that off as some other psycho.  Ian’s dialing the police.  Dylan yells that if Ian goes anywhere near Avery again, he will tear him apart.

 

Paul’s on the phone with Cricket, saying they sure made a big decision, and he’s incredibly happy about it.  He’s interrupted by Ian’s call.  Ian says his room was broken into again, and  he has the intruder with him now.  Who just stands around like an idiot.

 

Victoria gets home.  Billy the detective is still sitting at her desk, still not noticing a giant pregnancy test box next to him.  Victoria’s noticing it though.  Billy’s blathering about Johnny, and Vic is super nervous about the trash.  He tells her about the soup Stitch brought by.  He’s sorry she was sick and makes it all about him, because he used to be the one to look after her,  and she told someone else instead.  By almost puking on him.  He wants to know if she’s all right.  “No, I’m not.”

 

Chloe can’t believe Chelsea doesn’t understand how great this idea is, because it will keep her from obsessing over Connor.  Chelsea’s like, what about Kevin?  You’re going to have this baby, but Kevin isn’t the father, but you’re still married to him??  Chloe is all, oh, Kevin wants me to heal so I can do whatever I want to him.  He only married me to keep me out of Wackadoo Central.  Chelsea says, so to thank him you’re going to get pregnant by someone else?  Chloe is furious that Chelsea would protect Kevin when she’s supposed to be HER friend.  Chelsea insists that having a baby will turn her world upside down. 

 

Victoria is upset about how everything’s gone so wrong for them when there was so much love between them.  She says life would be so much easier if she had just forgiven him one more time.  How about if he just screwed up one LESS time?  She doesn’t have trust in him, but he thinks he can earn it.  And that Dr Rayburn, he can bring her his trifling soup, but what does she REALLY know about him?  That he is extremely  fertile, Billy.

 

Fen talks to Stitch about his journalism project.  Fen’s idea of a controversial workplace issue in GENOA CITY is the amount of hours medical residents work.  I think the amount of time Stitch has off is very controversial, myself, but I think the goings on at Jabot are slightly more topical.    Fen thinks residents are so overworked and busy that one of them might have a few minutes to talk to a pretentious college student.  He does, of course!   Uh-oh, Fen’s project is so important that it’s going to be ONLINE and lots of people will be interested in what Benjamin Rayburn, MD, of no internet presence, has to say.

 

Dylan really doesn’t care that Ian called Paul. He says if he wants to stay in one piece, he’ll leave Avery alone.  Ian keeps going about the war,and Dylan’s parents and their lying lies about his adoption.  This doesn’t get him worked up enough, so he starts in on Avery and her character, until Dylan grabs him by the coat…right when Paul BUSTS THE DOOR OPEN, gun drawn!!!  Are you kidding me?  And what is the CHIEF OF POLICE doing there anyway?  Couldn’t he send Courtney, or is “her apartment getting painted?”  Paul roars for Dylan to get his hands off Ian.  Ian is a little lost lamb who can’t believe it’s come to this and the police are involved. Dylan tries to argue but Paul doesn’t want to hear it.

 

Avery tells Leslie that Ian is playing her. They argue about what Ian is doing and if he’s a threat.  Avery makes a very weak case about the internet posts and the roses.  “Dylan has a hunch” holds no water with Leslie.  Ian calls and tells her Dylan needs his help as Paul takes him out of the room.

 

Victoria asks Billy what she needs to know about Ben.  That’s just it, HE DOESN’T KNOW!  He overheard him tell Kelly about his secret he has to live with every day.  How many things does Billy have to live with every day?  I’m thinking a lot.  All Victoria heard was that Billy was eavesdropping on KELLY, not Stitch.  Billy’s freaking out about Stitch being in their house and around Johnny if he has some deep, dark past.  Point to Billy.  Victoria points out Billy’s past, and Stitch was probably just talking about losing his son.  And why did that happen, Billy wants to know.  Victoria says well maybe he cheated  on her, over and over, and lied about it.  Billy insists something’s fishy because there is NOTHING about Stitch online.  Vicky says she knows everything she needs to know about Stitch.  “He brings me SOUP.  And hasn’t broken my heart.”  Victoria tells him he’s making everything worse, so he leaves.  Then she takes the pregnancy test out of the trash again and stares at it.

 

Paul is frustrated with Dylan at the station.  Leslie and Avery show up.  Ian makes like he’s so worried about Dylan and doesn’t know how to help him.  Leslie says not to talk to Avery.  Avery says it’s easy to help Dylan..leave town, then she rushes to Dylan.  She tells him he’s playing right into Ian’s hands, and  he’s in jail and Ian’s outside.  Get it, dummy?  Also, learn what the 5th Amendment is.

 

Fen starts asking Stitch a bunch of personal questions. Stitch’s background is “this and that.”  All of a sudden, Stitch is super busy, but he has a great doctor he must not like at all that he sends Fen down to talk to in the staff lounge.  Chelsea stops by.  She so super sensitive, she notices something is wrong.  No one is ever stressed out in a hospital, right?

 

Billy runs into Chloe at the bar.  Welcome to my parlor says the spider to the fly.  He’s in a bad mood but assures her it’s not about her “little detour to Weirdville” when she asked for his sperm.  She’s glad that she “doesn’t have to be the only drama queen in the room.”  I could watch these two together forever.  She wants to know who rained on his parade and of course it’s Victoria.  Again about the soup.  Chloe asks if the soup is some kind of euphemism.  Ha!  Nope, it’s just soup, but God knows what he could deliver next. A miracle baby, that’s what!  He feels it all slipping through his fingers.  Chloe wants the bartender to keep’em coming for Billy.  “That’s my girl,” says Billy, and Chloe smiles with her crazy lipstick.  Tonight is the night.

 

Oooh buddy, Billy’s drinking shots.  They joke and talk while Billy gets wasted.  Chloe says Victoria will take him back eventually, like last time.  She reminds him that she (Chloe) got him back to Gamblers Anonymous. He says that was before she took a nosedive off the Cliffs of Insanity.  Chloe says, “Haven’t you heard? I’m not as crazy as I used to be.”  I don’t think he’s heard.   She says he can’t get wasted if he wants Victoria back, and says she’s going to get him home.

 

Chelsea is at the hospital getting medicine.  She tells Stitch about how Connor is doing.  She apologizes for how awkward it was when she showed up with Billy, and he was with Victoria.  She says she doesn’t know Stitch that well, but he should know that Billy and Victoria have A Connection and he shouldn’t expect them to stay apart.  I guess she doesn’t know about the soup.

 

Victoria studies her box of prenatal vitamins.  Omg, she has CONNOR’S prescription!  Which means Chelsea has HER prescription.  Okay, that’s just ridiculous.  And probably a lawsuit.

 

Kelly’s going to book the hotel room while they’re heavy breathing in the lobby.  Jack has to take a call.  Summer stops by!  Her great idea for the journalism project is to interview Devon about undocumented workers.  LOL  I’m sure he’ll come clean about that for you, Summer.  These kids.  Then she asks Jack if maybe she should look at the fashion industry and [nepotism] pressure on models to look a certain way.  Gosh, Jack would love to discuss it, but he’s busy preparing to bang an employee.  He tells Summer he has a meeting, but then breaks down and and admits it’s a date.  Summer frowns. 

 

Ian doesn’t want to press charges.  Paul is aggravated by this waste of time arrest.  Ian tells Dylan, no more, son, no more.  Dylan looks like there is going to be a lot more. 

 

Kelly walks around the hotel room like it’s a church. I hope she knows about the acoustics.

 

Summer totally knows Jack is dating Kelly.  “How could you do that to my mom?”

 

Stitch tells Chelsea she doesn’t know him very well.  And she doesn’t know what’s going to happen with Billy and Victoria.  Chelsea says, neither do you, and she doesn’t think it will go Stitch’s way.  Stitch thinks that’s his problem.  Good luck with the croup meds. Chelsea walks away and opens the bag.  It ain’t croup meds, y’all.  Just then, Victoria rushes up and says the prescriptions are mixed up.  Chelsea says, these are prenatal vitamins.   “Victoria, are you pregnant??”

 

Chloe has lured Billy to her hotel room, where is 99% passed out.  She's banking a lot on the 1% still working.  “Victoria?” He mumbles.  Chloe is like, oh yeah, baby, I’m Victoria.  Seriously, how does this happen to a person twice?  Even a person like Billy. Oh, that’s right, because this show is stupid.

 

The End, until tomorrow.

Edited May 6, 2014 by peach

[Joimiaroxeu]

Johnny’s parents are getting a divorce, and Connor’s already been kidnapped twice, plus his murdering dad got murdered, by Johnny’s murdering dad. Haha! What are the odds?

Just quoting this because it's brilliant.

 

I guess Kelly is going to have to move now or burn her couch or something.

You'd think a town big enough to have an international airport and a handful of billionaires would also have at least a couple of options from the better hotel chains. Surely there's some space between the GCAC and that beds-by-the-hour place Tyler and Abby were at last week. Also, doesn't the Abbott estate have a guest house or a pool house?

 

but what does she REALLY know about him?  That he is extremely  fertile, Billy.

When I was watching I actually said out loud, "She knows he knocked her up, fool."

I think the amount of time Stitch has off is very controversial

I think the amount of time Stitch spends at work dealing with his romantic life is very controversial too. He must have quite the rep among the GCMC female staff.

 

Ian calls and tells her Dylan needs his help as Paul takes him out of the room.

Avery knew before she answered that it was Ian calling. Why does she have his name in her phone's contacts list?

 

He tells Summer he has a meeting, but then breaks down and and admits it’s a date.

I don't why Jack felt like he had to clarify anything. According to Dictionary.com:

meeting [mee-ting]

noun

1.the act of coming together

 

Sounds like that's exactly what he and Kelly had in mind for the evening.

Summer totally knows Jack is dating Kelly.  “How could you do that to my mom?”

Guess Jack forgot to send his comatose fiancee the break-up text I recommended last week. Whatever, Summer needs to not be c-blocking her dad. Is Jack supposed to abstain indefinitely?

 

she doesn’t think it will go Stitch’s way.  Stitch thinks that’s his problem.

So step off you nosy broad. Did you listen when people tried to warn you away from Adam?

 

Chelsea says, these are prenatal vitamins.   “Victoria, are you pregnant??”

Can't you buy prenatal vitamins at the drug store? They're probably on the same aisle as the pregnancy tests and the condoms that don't work.

 

The End, until tomorrow.

Brava! I enjoy your recaps much more than the show itself.

[peacheslatour]

OMG peach!  You light up my life, you are the wind  beneath my wings!  I don't know how you do it every day, but thank you!

[marshmallow]

 

That’s kind of Chelsea’s point. She says first she tricked Billy into bed

 

Chloe's thought bubble:  "Yeah, about that...any pointers?"

[peach]

Guess Jack forgot to send his comatose fiancee the break-up text I recommended last week. Whatever, Summer needs to not be c-blocking her dad. Is Jack supposed to abstain indefinitely?

 

But..but...Noah told her Jack and Phyllis have Forever Love, and Jack can just love her and watch her sleep for the rest of his life.  This is pretty much how young people see middle aged people, though, isn't it?  LOL

Edited May 6, 2014 by peach

[glowlights]

When Ian Ward said to Dylan, "You need help"... it made me giddy. Positively giddy. Followed by the excited little smile on Ian's face as Paul dragged Dylan out of the room. Dear Ray Wise: You are a god among soap opera men.

 

I love that when you call GCPD the chief of police takes your calls personally. And personally shows up (alone and hellbent for leather) to bust the person who broke into your room. Now that's what I call service!

 

ITA with the person upthread who mentioned that the major metropolis of GC needs to get a proper hotel. Even a Doubletree would work at this point (free cookies!). But I'm surprised Jack and Kelly needed a room after that awful kiss. Blech. Either PB is out of practice or CM has some stank breath. Or vice versa. :)

[miamama]

Kelly is hyperventilating while kissing Jack, but she does NOT want to stop, y’all.  Jack says maybe they should take this somewhere private.  And get a paper bag.

 

I love these two, but the above and the vibrating was comedy gold!

[bayviewbubba]

Glowlights- Step back from my boyfriend Ian. While I appreciate your admiration of him, let's be clear that it can never happen between you two. No hard feelings and thank you for understanding.

[peach]

Tue May 6, 2014

Chelsea is really enjoying catching Victoria out on being pregnant. Victoria isn’t enjoying it at all. Chelsea thinks it’s great, of course, because it’s the best thing for Billy and Victoria to bring them back together. Babies solve all problems, even though she just told Chloe that they don’t. Speaking of Chloe…

Chloe is slyly closing the door of his room and pretending she’s Victoria to mostly passed out Billy. Maybe he’ll throw up on her.

Colin and Jill are at dinner. Hey, remember back when she overheard his con artist ways on the phone a a week ago or something. She’s being pissy, and Colin is not liking it. They reminisce about how they didn’t have that romantic night after all. Colin says he doesn’t understand the “big chill” that’s going on, and if he’s done something wrong, just tell him already.

For some insane reason, Lily has just surprised Kelly in her hotel room. She’s even brought popcorn. I mean, I’ve heard of voyeurism, but popcorn? Kelly looks like she just found cockroaches in the bathroom.

Summer is confronting Jack about how he can be making dates with other women when her mom is sick. Jack says it’s not that simple. There’s coma etiquette involved. Summer tells him to just say it. “Are you cheating on my mom?” Jack looks like distressed.

Jill says Colin prefers passive aggressive foreplay. “And then kiss and make up?” Colin asks hopefully. Jill says not til the fighting is over, but Colin doesn’t know what they’re fighting about, exactly. She talks about the anger vows they made. Blah blah, he suggests they get back to the search for the [boring, stupid] elusive music box. “Abso-lutely,” says Jill. She has a plan. Cane interrupts them, and says Lily will be down in a second. Blah blah, my eyes are glazing over.

Jack promises Summer he has NOT given up on her mother. She’s like how is that possible if you’re DATING? She thought Jack committed himself to her mom when he put that ring on her comatose finger. Jack says if Phyllis wakes up he will race down that aisle with her! I think he’s betting she’s not waking up, right? Summer is like, yeah right, when you’re screwing around with the trick that ruined Billy’s marriage. Jack, in true man fashion, says, “I thought you LIKED Kelly?!” Not in your bed, dummy! Summer says Kelly apparently only goes after men in happily committed relationships. Earth to Summer…your mother is in a COMA. That is not happy nor a relationship. Jack says Kelly isn’t “going after” anyone, and they’ve talked all about Phyllis and his feelings for her. Kelly’s like okay, so she’s just going to date you til mom wakes up? Right. She leaves. I like to imagine what Phyllis would do if Jack were in a coma. (Nick. She would do Nick.)

Lily says she’s dodging a meal with Colin, “hope you don’t mind.” She sits on Kelly’s bed with her popcorn. Kelly says she definitely minds, and her sex life is not a spectator sport. Lily is shocked. There’s a MAN coming over?? She just wanted a girls movie night. Hee hee hee, they laugh. Lily immediately begins meddling in this tryst, deciding what Kelly should wear. She figures out it’s the guy from the concert. Lily asks “this isn’t like a Billy thing, is it?” Close. But Kelly insists it’s nothing like that, and she hasn’t felt this way since her marriage ended. Lily munches popcorn like this IS the movie night.

Chloe is whispering to Billy in true creeper fashion, and she’s wearing rather sexy lingerie for her tricky business with an oblivious dude. Uh-oh…Billy had one shot too many. He’s passing ALL the way out. Chloe starts sounding way more like Chloe than Victoria, trying to wake him up. Damn, she finally says. He’s out cold. Way to go, Billy.

Victoria tells Chelsea that she hasn’t told Billy about being pregnant. Chelsea’s really poking her nose in now, wondering why, when they’ve tried so hard to have a baby. This is like a miracle! Speaking of NOSY, Stitch barges in on their conversation. “Victoria, I thought you left!” Geez, people, you’re not her keepers. Victoria stammers that there was a prescription mixup, and Gestapo agent Stitch questions that since she said she was at the hospital for a charity board. Vicky explains she was multitasking and picking up medicine for Johnny, and how about THIS IS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. A guy buys you a hot dog and thinks he owns you in this town. Stitch says he’s getting ready to change so why not wait for him so they can leave together, and he can go over the rest of her itinerary. He walks off, and Chelsea is like, ohhh, now I get it. I know all about how this shit goes down. You don’t know if this baby is Billy’s or Stitch’s. She’s really digging this turn of events. Victoria just stares like a deer in the headlights instead of telling these assholes to stick a sock in it.

Chloe promises passed out Billy that she isn’t done with him. He’s going to give her another Delia no matter what. She leaves to go work out the proper alcohol combinations to give him next time.

Chelsea’s still grilling Victoria. Then she says, “what do you need, what can I do for you?” Like, not say anything? Duh. Chelsea wants to know if she’s going to tell Billy and Stitch. Victoria wants her to pretend this convo never happened. “No. I can’t. Because I know how terrible it was for me when I concealed MY pregnancy from Connor’s bio father.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You mean when VICTORIA kept your secret for you, from her own brother?? THAT time? Vicky’s like, girl, don’t compare me to you. Chelsea can’t understand why Victoria would even do this. She tells Chelsea it’s none of her business. Chelsea acts like an Abbott, and says do you know how much this would mean to BILLY, so who cares what’s good for Victoria.

Vicky says, “Are you trying to make up for the fact that your husband killed Billy’s child?” That shuts her up for maybe two seconds. Chelsea says this mistake she’s about to make, Chelsea’s made, and the fallout is hell. Like, her fallout was marrying Adam and becoming a billionaire. Victoria says this is her life. Chelsea blahblahblah about her mistake and her regret, etc. “Victoria, I cannot be part of perpetuating another lie like this again.” Just go home! Vicky’s been pregnant for like 15 minutes, give her a break. She has nine months to figure this out. Victoria reminds her that she protected Chelsea during HER mistake and she owes her, for God’s sake. Stitch is back, ready to roll.

Jill and Colin, blahblah about the twins, and Jill’s getting angrier, saying she will protect the kids at all costs. Cane is all sentimental, saying Jill achieved the impossible, reuniting father and son. Jill rage quits the dinner. Cane asks Colin what he did, and Colin says he wishes he knew.

Summer rushes into the coffee shop to meet up with Noah, who is, of course, just sitting there because he does nothing. “Jack is hooking up with Kelly!” She says he’s officially given up on her mom. Noah asks if Jack actually said that. Well, Jack said a lot of things, including that he still loves Phyllis. Noah’s all about the bro code today, and says, well he probably does still love her. But, you know…I mean, like, your mom’s…kinda… Comatose? Is that the word you’re looking for? He gets the Summer Frown AND Sigh. “So you’re just giving up on her too?” You know, he’s the one who put this stupid Forever Love idea in her head in the first place. Way to go, Noah. This is on you.

Back in Kelly’s hotel room, Lily has provided her with some black lingerie from Lauren’s boutique. Lily says it’s nice having a lace and silk artillery down the elevator. Ha! They’re both really excited. Kelly’s also nervous. Kelly says tonight is…a beginning. There’s a knock on the door. HE’S HERE! They hug and whisper excitedly, and it does seem like Lily would be a good friend to have if she wasn’t such a bitch the rest of the time. Kelly has the planning skills of a GNAT, because she opens the door to Jack while Lily is standing right there. The look on her face is priceless. She looks like a bug just flew in her mouth. Jack looks pretty friggin freaked out. She bustles out. Kelly’s ready for some Jack time with what Lily brought. Jack just brought some guilt. Lots and lots of guilt. He’s getting ready to let her down, it seems like, but Kelly starts disrobing and Jack’s conflicted. Who will win?

Chelsea excuses herself but not before making some digs about how someone could get hurt if the facts of the prescription MISTAKE didn’t come out. Stitch notices that Victoria is about to jump out of her skin. “What is really going on with you?” He asks a lot of questions for someone with no background history. Victoria cancels hanging out with Stitch. He’s persistent, but she convinces him she just wants to spend time with Johnny.

Jill is trying to sober up Billy. Blah blah, don’t give up on Victoria, don’t get wasted to get her back, nag nag nag. Jill doesn’t want to talk about Billy’s love life anyway. She wants to talk about Colin, before she strangles the life out of him. Super squint of confusion.

Cane wants to know what Colin did. Colin doesn’t know. He’s thinking of starting a business on the straight and narrow, causing Cane to choke. In fact, Colin is thinking of pitching an idea to Devon. Lily walks up and says not on your life.

Kelly is sliding up to Jack, and he says she is so incredible…but…we can’t. Getting rejected in your lingerie is pretty devastating. She wants to know why, since it was his idea. He says he thought he was ready, but he’s not. She’s like, um, I was there. You were ready, Jack. What changed in the last hour?? He says he ran into Summer. And overshared, obviously.

Noah assures Summer he’s still on her side. It’s just that he can see Jack’s side in this…because he’s a dude. Summer doesn’t see how having a different opinion than she has is being on her side. He explains that he is being honest with her. Noah sees no conflict in Jack dating other women and not giving up on Phyllis. This is going to be a Mars/Venus disagreement, I think. Noah says he sees Jack’s devotion to Phyllis and her care, but is it fair of Summer to expect him to give up the rest of his life while her mom’s in a coma for maybe years. Summer is thinking and frowning.

Billy’s not shocked that Jill would like to kill Colin. So what is it this time? She tells Billy about the butt dial. She did know Colin wanted Jill’s inheritance when he married her. Billy’s like what’s your excuse? She says, “the things he does to me!” Billy’s like, omg, MOM, use your mother/son filter. Blah blah, he’s untrustworthy but they have love. Billy says to kick him to the curb.

Chelsea runs into Chloe at the coffee shop and is distracted because of the troubling news she heard today. Geez, Chelsea, are you going to tell the FIRST person you see, you ingrate? And it’s Chloe??

Gestapo Stitch shows up at Victoria’s door, and walks right in her house, because he’s not going away until he gets to the bottom of what’s REALLY bothering her. Omg, she needs to tase this guy! She tells him there is something wrong.

Kelly is trying to process what happened with Jack and Summer, and that Summer feels like this is a betrayal. But does Jack feel like it is? Jack says Summer made him face unpleasant realities about what he would do if Phyllis woke up, and he still loves her, and this isn’t fair to Kelly. Kelly says how about I decide what’s fair for me?

Chloe accuses Chelsea of keeping secrets from her and shutting her out. Of course not. Chelsea wants to be BFF’s forever, they bicker some more about the crazy baby plan, Chelsea wants to do all the right things now.

Lily doesn’t trust Colin’s interest in the richest member of her family. Colin hopes he can win her over one day. He leaves. Cane sighs.

Jill decides she at least has to punish Colin in some way. She can’t blame him for trying to get his hands on her money, because she would do the same thing. Billy tells her this whole thing is really kind of twisted, but if she needs help, Billy’s her guy. They agree that the best way to stick it to Colin is for him to lose every dime of Katherine’s money, which doesn’t even exist at this point. Jill cackles about how great this can put the screws to him and rushes off.

Cane would really appreciate if Lily would give his dad a chance. Cane’s all about chances these days. Lily’s not, but Cane wears her down. She says this will just give him a chance to show his true colors.

Jill finds Colin at home. He says even Cane knows something’s up with her. She says it was just that she’s had a big surprise for him and was trying to work out how to pull it off. He wants to know when he will get the surprise, and she says RIGHT NOW.

Summer now feels terrible about going off on Jack at the club, and that she handled it all wrong. She and Noah agree to let Jack and Kelly live their own lives. But the damage is done. Jack keeps apologizing to Kelly, and Kelly admires Jack even more for his nobility and such, and he leaves. Kelly crumples to the floor in tears. Way to go, Summer.

Victoria says that Stitch coming there is so [smothering and stalkerish] sweet and caring, but it’s too much for Victoria. They said they were going to take it slow, but they see each other every day, and she needs to slow down. Guess what? Stitch doesn’t want to slow down. I hadn't noticed. He finally says he will wait for Victoria to take the lead.

Billy calls Chloe. She’s amazed he’s capable of speech. He thanks her for helping him get home, and she’s like no problem, he is totally going to be making it up to her.

Chelsea’s at Billy’s door. Because she's an unbelievable bitch. Way to go, Chelsea.

The End!

[Joimiaroxeu]

I like to imagine what Phyllis would do if Jack were in a coma. (Nick. She would do Nick.)

She would do Nick right on top of Jack's nearly lifeless body. Newman trumps Abbott every day of the week.

 

“Victoria, I cannot be part of perpetuating another lie like this again.”

"Chelsea, I cannot be part of your trying to climb up my derriere. There's no room anyway since Stitch already took up residence." Chelsea and Stitch should form a support group called Busybodies R Us.

 

Noah, who is, of course, just sitting there because he does nothing.

Literally. Takes after his mom it seems.

 

He finally says he will wait for Victoria to take the lead.

Yeah, he'll wait about five minutes. Dollars to donuts he'll be back there tomorrow to check up on her. I guess he must have sensed that his baby is on board.

[marshmallow]

Yes, St. Chelsea really can sit down and STFU.  I really wanted Victoria to punch her right in her meddling mouth.