Explain it to Me Like I'm Lily: Recaps for the Disenchanted

[Snaporaz]

Thank you for making the point that Malcolm and Neil are brothers and rivals, and how their situations are not the same as Miss Devon betraying Neil. As childish as this sounds, Malcolm did it to Neil first, so they were kind of even when Neil had his fling with Sophia. But Miss Devon has done this to Neil twice now. And he was seeing that adorable Roxie when he cheated the first time!

[Petunia13]

I liked Roxie. She's pretty and had some personality. Ugh didn't they fuck up her story with Devon for Esmerguyda and Devon's tantrums over being rich? Zzz.

[ByTor]

He tells her during the commercials.  Thanks, Victor.  KELLY says it sounds a little extreme, so it must be pretty insane.  He says it will work if she does her part.  “In exchange for what?” she asks.  He chuckles.  For a favor, but she doesn’t get to know what it is. 

For any Stephen King fans reading this, I'm getting a big time Needful Things vibe here.  Victor is really Leland Gaunt! :)

 

Devon tries to pull a moral equivalency card by saying Neil did the same thing to his brother, but seriously, brothers are rivals.  He didn’t take Malcolm off the streets and adopt him.  But just like Neil did, Devon is going to find a way to make things right with him.  Neil says he can take all his sorrys and shove’em up his ass. 

Haha this is reminding me of the backwards Seinfeld episode..."You can stuff your sorrys in a sack, mister!"

[peach]

Wed, Mar 4   Sweet, Poor, Stupid Boy

 

Nikki is driving hammered Neil in her car.  HE TOLD YOU HE IS NOT GOING TO A MEETING, OKAY?!  He grabs the wheel and forces her to skid off the road, and SPLAT!  She crushes a Bug!  “I think we hit something!” gasps Nikki.  “Or someone,” says Neil.

 

Paul sits in his office and flashes back to Christine yelling at him that if he doesn’t have FAITH in her, then she doesn’t know what kind of marriage they have!  She runs out.  Paul throws his pencil on his desk.  He grabs his coat to go fix something.  Chris definitely needs some fixing right about now.

 

Nikki and Neil get out of the car, and Nikki rushes to the body on the snow covered ground.  MISS, CAN YOU HEAR ME?  Neil’s all like, where’d she come from?  Um, the center of a brightly lit parking lot?  “OMG, IT’S CHRISTINE!”

 

Victor is back in the confessional booth because a phone call would be too easy.  He whines that life is real stressful for his family, yo.  I don’t know why your secret listener would care.  “Now Kelly is very adamant about prying Phyllis away from Jack.  So we will proceed as planned.  And Jack will never know…what hit him.”  He walks out of the confessional and sees Jack randomly standing there.  “Well, I’llbedamned.”  No kidding.  I thought they wanted OUT of this hospital.

 

Wow, Austin’s getting memorialized as fast as he got married.  Phyllis comes into the chapel and chats with his coffin.  “You sweet, poor, stupid boy.”  She didn’t think he deserved Summer, but he sure didn’t deserve this either.  She criticizes him for getting murdered by Summer for a while.  How could he do this to pwetty pwincess?  Nick walks in.  He’s also mad at Austin for upsetting Summer.  Only time will fix it.  Time in prison, possibly.  Nick says there’s nothing anyone can do to help.  Phyllis says Kyle’s sure giving it a try.  She tried so long to keep her apart from Kyle, but now she’s just super glad Summer has him to lean on.

 

Summer whiiiiines to Noah that she can’t do it.  She can’t go to the memorial service, not after what she did to Austin.  Way to play it cool, Summer.  Noah says they may never know what happened that night.  Blah blah everyone will get Killer Summer through this.  She goes to change clothes, and Noah texts Kyle:  WE NEED TO TALK.

 

Kevin reminds us Kyle lied.  “The blood on the towel is not Kyle’s,” clarifies Mariah.  “Do I want to know whose it is?” she asks.  No, she doesn’t, because it’s totally Austin’s.  GASP!

 

Kyle tells Abby he wasn’t going to let Austin get away with treating Summer like garbage.  Luckily, he did let Abby get away with it.   He reminds us it got…physical.  Abby reminds us that O-M-G! HE DID IT!  “You bashed his head in and killed Austin!”  Kyle doesn’t deny it.  “The guy was a jackass, okay?  Married to Summer, sleeping with YOU!  She practically saved his life when she married him!  And then he turns around and cheats on her?!”  Abby gets it, okay, but answer her in the middle of this coffee shop.  “Kyle, did you kill Austin??”  Kyle pouty smirks.  Are we sure he’s not Summer’s brother?

 

Kyle looks at his text from Noah.  “Oh, I’m sorry,” sneers Abby, “did my question about life or death interfere with your texting?”  Kyle keeps dancing around the question.   He admits they fought.  BUT IS HE A MURDERER?

 

FLASHBACK!  Austin and Abby sit in Crimson Lights having an animated conversation about his exciting, provocative documentary idea.  I’ll say it again:  hot couple, ruined by death.  Thanks, show.  Kyle, of course, is lurking in the background again.  He’s a world class lurker.   Uh-oh, there’s hand-holding and propositioning going on!

 

“You were watching us?” snaps Abby.  Hey, he just wanted to see if it was a one-time thing at the cabin.  “Because spying on me was way more effective than just ASKING your cousin.”  He scoffs that she would have admitted anything.  Just tell her about the fight already!  “You left.  He stayed.  We talked,” says Kyle sullenly. 

 

FLASHBACK!  Kyle confrontationally introduces himself to Austin.  “Yeah, I figured you’d be back in town once you got rid of that pesky brother-sister situation,” remarks Austin.  “You think I’m back for Summer?” Kyle asks ominously.  Austin stands up, and they face off.  “I hope not.  She’s taken.”  Kyle says so is Abby.  Taken?  “So you’re not sleeping with your wife’s aunt?”  Austin says they’re just working together.  Really, because Kyle saw you on top of her at the cabin.  Uh-oh.  “You’re nuts.  That didn’t happen.  I’m married,” says Austin unconvincingly.

 

Kyle says Summer was the best thing that ever happened to Austin, and he blew it from some sex on the side.  “The way she defended you, loved you?  That’s allll going away the second I tell her.  You idiot,” smirks Kyle.  Seems like this is Austin’s way out, but he decides to say Kyle can’t tell Summer anything.  KAPOW!  Kyle punches Austin in the nose!  BLOOD!  He throws Austin a towel and sneers to clean himself up before he goes home to his wife.  BLOOD ON A TOWEL!

 

Abby says Kyle was AT the party at the cabin.  Kyle claims he was on the way, but ended up in that ditch.  “Noah SAW you.  You were there!” she insists. 

 

Courtney comes in the interrogation room/Kevin’s office and says Kevin and Mariah need to work on their poker faces.  Mariah tells her Kyle’s trunk towel had Austin’s blood on it.  So, Kevin had it tested??  “Maybe,” says Kevin.  Where?  “Maybe here.”  “ARE YOU INSANE?” asks Courtney.  No, just stupid.  Kevin says nobody’s going to find out.  They debate theories of what happened.  Maybe Kyle moved the body.  Or maybe he’s the one who killed Austin in the first place!

 

Victor acts like he just wanted a quiet place to think, so he chose a confessional booth in a hospital chapel.  “There’s no one in there,” he adds.  “Of course not,” says Jack.  “Victor Newman answers to no one but Victor Newman.”  Lol because it’s totally believable Victor would be confessing to himself.  Victor chides Jack because this is Summer’s Day of Loss.  They’re both going to the service, you bet.  Jack’s like, so we’re really doing this frenemies thing?  Sure, they have lots of common causes, like clearing Phyllis’ name.  That would mean the world to Phyllis and Summer, says Jack.  He has plenty of hope, but Christine isn’t going to make this easy.  She’s not going to take this lying down.  Well, Nikki fixed that.

 

Nikki tries to wake up Chris.  Drunk Neil calls 911.  A nurse happens by and helps out.  Neil starts babbling to Nikki that he didn’t see Chris when he grabbed the wheel.  Nikki’s like SHUT IT!  Don’t say another word!!  Be cool, the cops are here.  It’s Paul!  Nikki sobs and gasps, and Paul falls to Chris’ side and cries and gasps, too.  “What happened?  What the hell happened?!”  Neil tries to actually tell them what happened, but Nikki overrides him, gasping about how she tried to stop, but it was like Christine just ran out in front of them!  She tried to stop but there just wasn’t enough time!  Why in the HELL would you take the blame for this drunk idiot plowing your car into another person?  Especially THE D.A.!!!  The ambulance comes. 

 

Nikki keeps apologizing like she ran over a mailbox, and Paul looks over and glares at her.  “BOOK HER FOR SUSPECTED DUI!” shouts Paul, jabbing his finger at her.   J’accuse!  Nikki cannot believe it.  He mouth goes WIDE open!  “PAUL?!” she squeals, in disbelief.  “BOOK HER NOW!!!”  Nikki gasps and cries while they cuff her.  Neil says they’re making a mistake.  “SHUT UP, NEIL!” growls Paul.  Neil doesn’t even know WHAT to do now.

 

Kyle claims Noah did NOT see him at the cabin.  He knows better than to look through the windows, because the last time he got an eyeful of Abby and Austin.  “STOP saying that,” says Abby.  Kyle says again that he didn’t make it to the party!  Oh, and she should believe him?  “You had SEX with your niece’s husband!” spits Kyle.  SHE KNOWS.  And she feels super bad about it.  Then why did she do it?!  Cuuuz he’s hot?  She says Kyle doesn’t KNOW Austin like she does.  She tried to stop the affair, but it didn’t work.  She somehow thought what Summer didn’t know couldn’t hurt her.  SAY you won’t tell Summer, Kyle!  PROMISE!  Because none of us can take the caterwauling  that will result.  Kyle looks SUPER pissed.  He has more facial expressions than the average citizen of GC.  In fact, he looks kinda like he could MURDER somebody.

 

Nick tells Phyllis he came down way hard on Austin for the building inspector thing.  They run Not Good Enough Austin down some more, but Nick says he respected how much Summer loved him.  Avery arrives.  She looks the most broken up about it, and she’s the one he kidnapped.  She says it’s shocking.  But anyway, about Nick, Avery found out the contractor Nick hired had a history of cutting corners, so they can prove he wasn’t responsible for the building collapse!  Wow, she sucks.  NICK HIRED A KNOWN CORNER CUTTER.  You’re going to lose your shirt, pal.  Nick says it happened on his watch and beats himself up a whole bunch about the death and destruction, including injuries to Victor and Jack.  Phyllis says they don’t have to worry about those two!

 

Victor and Jack bicker about who supports Phyllis the best.  Blah blah.  Victor leaves, saying Jack’s list of sins is even longer than his.  In a parallel universe, I guess.  Seems unlikely Victor would leave Jack alone in the room with his co-conspirator in the confessional, because THAT unknown person makes a noise!  “Hello?” says Jack.  He leans toward the booth…reaching for the door…reaching… His phone rings.  Hey, Red, how ya doin’?  She needs back up with Summer because of course.  He’ll be right there!  He was just hanging out in the hospital chapel for kicks.  He takes one last suspicious glance at the confessional but, oh well, who has time to open the door NOW?

 

Avery says this shouldn’t be happening.  Phyllis says that goes for every damn moment since she woke up from the coma.  Avery apologizes for her crappy plan to drive Phyllis insane in front of witnesses.  She had the best intentions, Sis.  Phyllis says they’re moving on from Avery’s intentions.  She’s sane, got it?!  Summer arrives so she can bleat that nothing will ever be okay again.

 

Courtney, Mariah, and Kevin continue brainstorming about the murder.  The main problem is why the hell did Austin get shoved in the armoire?  It’s a mystery.  Kevin says they have to get the insta-service.  Courtney leaves, and Kevin pauses to talk about Mariah’s feelings.  She’s pretty torn up about Austin because they got each other, and it was kinda special.  She’s conflicted about his cheating with Abby, but she misses him.  “No matter what, he was my friend,” she says with tears in her eyes.  Not a lot of those to go around, says Kevin compassionately.  “Until now,” she says.  It's a moment.  They both sniffle, but it’s time to go.

 

Mariah leaves, but Kevin gets held up by Nikki and Neil being dragged in the station.  Nikki says it was a terrible accident, and a cop pulls her into some room.  Kevin’s like WHAT IS GOING ON?!  Neil says they took Nikki for a breathalyzer, but she wasn’t drinking.  Kevin asks if everyone’s okay.  Neil says Christine got hit.  So are she and the baby okay??  Neil’s like, holy shit, Christine is pregnant??

 

Paul’s at the hospital and weepily leaves a message for…Father Todd, maybe?  Victor happens by and asks what Paul is doing there?  Wth is Victor doing at the hospital anyway?  Paul says Chris is in emergency surgery.   “Oh, my goodness!  What happened?” asks Victor.  “Your wife!” accuses Paul.  “What do you mean, my wife happened?”  Actually, YOU happened, Victor!  How many times has he driven Nikki to the breaking point and into the bottle?  He doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself!  Victor’s like, wth are you talking about?  “Your wife GOT DRUNK, and she PLOWED her car into Chris!” Paul cries.  And now she’s in there fighting for her life, and their baby’s life.  THIS IS ALL ON  VICTOR!  Lots of conclusions you’re jumping to, there, Paul.  It’s all on Devon.

 

Summer cries at Austin’s casket.  She wants him back, you guys.  Jack shows up.  Phyllis is sad because she can’t fix this.  It’s so much easier to fix things with killing instead of unkilling.  Jack comforts Summer and says Austin should have had a lot more years to live.  Summer’s like, no shit.  And now he doesn’t.  She wails that this wasn’t supposed to happen, it was that stupid cabin and one terrible night.  Abby and Mariah sadly walk in, and hear Jack say she’s not alone.  They’re all there to enable her.  Abby guiltily says Jack’s right.  How can she help?  Summer hands her Austin’s  head shot to put on the table so everyone can see how beautiful he was and not just some box.  Abby mournfully looks at his smiling picture while Mariah watches.

 

Abby takes the photo out in the hallway, and smug Kyle walks in.  “Yeaaah, that’s not suspicious at all,” he snarks.  Abby says if he’s not there to support Summer, then just leave.  Don’t make things worse.    “You mean by telling Summer about her late husband and you?”  Um, yes, that.  Abby frowns.  “Since when do you HATE me so much?  We were close.”  Well, you know what they say, love the sinner, hate the sin.  Kyle really is a piece of work.  Noah walks in.  Abby says this is going to be the worst, and they have to keep Summer from falling apart. 

 

She goes back in the chapel, and Noah asks Kyle why he didn’t answer his text.  Noah challenges him about when he was in town recently.  He saw a video Austin made, and Kyle was lurking in the background when no one even knew he was in town.  So, what was that?  What was he doing lurking in GC?

 

Nikki sits with Neil and says once they find out she’s sober, they will realize it was just an accident when she randomly swerved into a parking lot and ran someone over.  Neil says Chris is pregnant, and if anything happens to her or the baby, Paul has got to know it was his fault.  He’s the reason they crashed.  Nikki hates to think what he’d be charged with!  Let HER take the blame!  She gets away with everything in this town!  She’ll lie to save him!  I’m not remembering them being close enough for this, but I guess she wants to take one for the drinking team.  Neil complains that his whole life has been FULL of lies to protect him.  “I don’t WANT any more protection!” he says angrily.  “I’m a grown man.  I don’t care if I go down for this.  I got nothing left to lose, Nikki!”  That’s just crazy talk.  He has kids and grandchildren.  He has TOO MUCH to lose!  Nikki will make a statement, and nobody goes to jail.  Paul’s totally her BFF, what could go wrong?  They take Nikki to make her statement.  She asks Kevin if there’s any news on Chris, but she’s still in surgery.

 

Victor says to explain again about Christine.  “Your wife ran her down with her car!  Is that slow and clear enough for you?”  Paul got there and found Chris unconscious on the pavement.  He continues stating as fact that Nikki was drunk on a pint of vodka, and she got behind the wheel of a car.  Victor’s like, why are you accusing ME of this?  Because he drives Nikki to the edge all the damn time, and leaves everyone else to pick up the pieces.  This time Chris is in pieces! 

 

Victor says this isn’t helping Chris.  “Only the surgeons can help my wife.  And only a LAWYER can help yours,” says Paul.  Victor’s like, um, where is Nikki right now?  Cuffed and stuffed.  They took her to the station.  Victor’s going to go straighten this out, but, hey, he feels terrible about this, okay?  “Oh, Victor, go to hell!” cries Paul.  Victor pauses, but he decides to just let it go, this time.  He leaves, and the doctor comes out, looking serious.  Chris is in recovery and stable.  And is the baby okay?  Doesn’t look like it.

 

Nikki comes out and quietly tells Neil to just tell the truth that she was driving.  That’s all there is to it.  He goes in to give his statement.  Victor materializes in the station.  “Baby!”  Omg, she’s so glad he’s there.  She tells him she was driving with Neil, and a blur ran in the road when her car took that sharp right into a parking lot, and it was Christine!  Victor asks if she was drinking.

 

Chris is pretty dang beat up.  She’s sleeping in a hospital bed, and Paul sits by her side, weeping that she was right, and he was wrong.  He didn’t listen about that no good Nikki Newman, and he’s sorry.  But he never lost faith in Chris.  He’s sorry he made her run outside and get run over by a car. 

 

Courtney and Kevin walk in and see Noah getting up in Kyle’s face.  “I know exactly when you were in town, and I know why.”  Kyle pushes Noah’s pointing finger away and says Summer’s going through hell right now, so if he wants to pick a fight, look somewhere else.  This is getting kind of interesting.  All right Kyle, but Noah’s not done with you yet.  Kyle walks in the chapel, and Courtney tells Noah they can’t draw attention to this right now.  Kevin tells him Austin’s blood was on the towel in Kyle’s car.  “Ohh, and Kyle says he has nothing to hide,” says Noah.  He tells them about the Lurker Kyle video footage.  He’s going to get Austin’s laptop and bring it back.  “All this time we thought we were covering for Summer.  I think we’ve been accidentally covering for someone else,” says Kevin.

 

Jack hugs Kyle.  Summer will be glad he’s there.  Jack’s sorry he didn’t get to know Austin.  “Must’ve been something special to make her so happy," says Kyle.    Abby overcomforts Summer.  She’s there for her because family.  Summer frowns a little like she remembers something.  I sort of like her sadness hair.  I think she dyed it when she was getting dressed for the funeral.  Abby sits in the back and looks pitiful.

 

Nick opens the service by talking about how they all hated Austin but Summer’s Real Love made them all give him a chance.  Nick’s voice kinda fades out while Summer has a fuzzy flashback of Austin and Abby arguing at the cabin.  “What are you gonna say?” snaps Abby, “I’ve been sleeping with your aunt?”  Remembering must be really hard because she looks like she took about three Xanax and is trying to remember what day it is.

 

Mariah speaks next.  I may not have mentioned how gorgeous her hair has been since the endless Valentine’s Day.  She says she and Austin had a lot in common.  They both came to Genoa City to wreak havoc but when the worst was over, they found families to love and rehabilitate them.  It’s hard to say goodbye.  Austin was a good friend, and a good co-worker, and had a lot more living to do.  Summer can’t be bothered to listen how great Austin was because she keeps flashing back to this epic Abby/Austin argument.  How passed out did they think Summer was, because they’re yelling pretty loud.  “It cannot EVER happen again!” shouts Abby.  Meanwhile, Mariah’s gonna miss Austin.  “I already do,” she weeps, and sits down.

 

Summer sits in a daze.  Phyllis says she doesn’t have to speak if she doesn’t want to.   Huh?  Oh, yeah, she needs to do this.  She walks up the podium so she can mouth breathe and stare out at Abby and Kyle.

 

Chris wakes up and Paul gently explains she was in surgery.   She mumbles about a car, and he says she was hit, but she’s going to be okay.  Her eyes suddenly snap open and she begs him to tell her the baby made it.  They start playing the creepy Adam/Delia music, so I guess the answer is no.  He says he’s sorry, and they both start bawling.  Well, that was totally depressing.

 

The cop asks Neil if Nicole Newman was driving.  Neil looks conflicted.

 

Nikki assures Victor she was NOT drinking.  “Then why are you so agitated?”  Um, BECAUSE I JUST RAN OVER THE DA WITH MY CAR?  They just interrogated her, and now they’re in there with Neil, and she’s WORRIED about him!  “If they tested you, and you’re clean, who the hell givesadamn what Neil says?”  What is she keeping from him??

 

Summer says she really doesn’t know how to do this, because she pretty much doesn’t know how to do anything.  All she can say is she loved Austin, you guys.  Blah choke sob blah.  The magic happened, and they fell in love, and they all got to see the real him.  They opened up their homes, and their lives, and their legs to him.  And made him part of the family.  Family!  Fuzzy Flashback! It’s getting less fuzzy.  Abby is yelling that they can’t do this to Summer anymore.  “We’re FAMILY!” 

 

Abby looks sad, and then Summer slowly walks out from the podium, into the aisle and glares at her.  “YOU. SLEPT. WITH. MY. HUSBAND!!!” she bellows.  Subtle!  Summer's not a big fan of revenge served cold.  Everyone turns and stares at Abby!!  GASP!  This will really help out if you murdered him, idiot.

Edited March 10, 2015 by peach

[movinon]

 

Victor is back in the confessional booth because a phone call would be too easy.  He whines that life is real stressful for his family, yo.  I don’t know why your secret listener would care.  “Now Kelly is very adamant about prying Phyllis away from Jack.  So we will proceed as planned.  And Jack will never know…what hit him.”

Well, now we  know he isn't talking TO Kelly in that booth.  My bets are on either a still alive Austin or beautiful (sob) Joe.  Of course, I will be wrong - I'm always wrong.  Great recap again, peach, as always.  Thanks.

[peach]

I skimmed the last couple of episodes, and Imma be honest.  Most of it is almost too awful to recap.  Nick, Summer, the entire Gabriel storyline.  Everyone is just such an idiot, past the point of it being funny.  Oh, and Nikki framing herself for running over Christine and causing a miscarriage (original storyline, there).  I still keep watching for the resolution of the Austin murder mystery, but egads, it's hard.

 

I'm super short on time lately, so they may turn into weecaps for a bit.

[peacheslatour]

 

I'm super short on time lately, so they may turn into weecaps for a bit.

Totally understandable.  This shit isn't even fun on a soapy fun level, it's just too stupid for your fine words.  If it doesn't show some life soon, I wouldn't blame you if you bagged it altogether.

[peach]

Summer screaming at Avery about her infidelity while standing next to her PARENTS, WHO CONCEIVED HER DURING AN AFFAIR, just...I can't...I don't...there's nothing to say.  Summer wouldn't fucking EXIST if it weren't for cheating, and yet she's the Crown Princess of the whole town, and she is INSUFFERABLE.  (I guess there was something to say, ha)

 

So I already have to stomach NICK in those scenes, and then they bring on the unbridled insanity of him encouraging Sage to dump her inheritance so she doesn't have to be ANNOYED for a couple of years, and her LISTENING to him.  AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!   Too stupid.

[peach]

Okay, guys, I haven't had time to even watch the show. I'm going on a trip today for spring break, I'm totally overwhelmed with life, work, family atm.   And I have a cold.  It's hard enough keeping up with The Walking Dead and it's only on once a week.  Ha.  I'm sure everyone is brilliantly snarking it up on the episode thread, which I've been missing, but I hope to catch up with y'all in a week.   

[Foghorn Leghorn]

Have a great holiday Peach and feel better!!!

[movinon]

Considering the content of the show you are attempting to re-cap, I would say you are brilliant to take a break at this point.  When you return, rested and happy, I'm sure nothing will have changed at all on screen.  We will miss you, hope your cold gets better, and have a great holiday - I'm beyond jealous.

[smartyshorts]

Peach, I hope you enjoy your holiday. Taking a break from this show right now is the smartest thing anyone could do. Do NOT go to the Abbott cabin though!! 

[MollyB]

Yeah, this is a good time for a break since I don't think the writers know who's in the confessional, who killed Austin or even why, Kyle's motivation for anything he does and have no where to go with the Sage/Gabe lotsabucks story.  Have a good vacation and lose the cold and we'll all be here eagerly awaiting your return.  Enjoy!

[Petunia13]

^ What everyone said! We love ya Peach !!

[Petunia13]

: (

[movinon]

: (

Same here - hope you are having fun, you rat.  You are missing SUCH good stuff right now!  LOL

[Petunia13]

Someone else for interim. LP maybe or Red ? There still is snark able stuff

[Slowpokey]

Will sure miss you Peach but you deserve a break. Rest,relax and enjoy your family and have fun!!

[peach]

I'm back, y'all.  Have about 8 episodes to watch.  Yay?  lol

[peach]

I had a great vacation, btw.  Thanks for the well wishes.  Went a lot of places, visited a lot of family, and didn't watch any TV!   

[peacheslatour]

Welcome back peach!  Did you have a good trip?

[Foghorn Leghorn]

Don't kill yourself recapping Peach but feel free to share your snark!

[peach]

I will NOT be recapping every episode, lol!  I need to catch up with what's going on and maybe I'll write a summary and then start again.  I had a great trip.  It was good to to get away from everything.

[Slowpokey]

I will NOT be recapping every episode, lol!  I need to catch up with what's going on and maybe I'll write a summary and then start again.  I had a great trip.  It was good to to get away from everything.

No problem Peach. Just do them as you have time. Glad you had a great vacation and also glad you are back!

[peach]

March 5 - 12.. In Brief….Very Brief…

 

All the town cheaters give Abby a super hard time, and she feels super bad and has sad feelz.  The Scooby Doo Gang meets up at the Abbott cabin several times for arguing and slapping and finding of lipstick messages on mirrors like I SAW WHAT YOU DID.  AND IT WAS BORING.  The cabin seems to be about two miles out of town judging by all the running back and forth.  Summer screams and flails a lot and orders Abby out of her own family property a couple times.  There is plenty of bickering.  Summer has some kind of memory of Austin glaring at her while she holds an unbloody bookend, and she drops it on the floor.  She totally didn’t kill him, because she can’t do anything right.  Abby continues being bummed out, but Ashley still loves Abby, and gives her some support.

 

Later Summer gets another I KNOW WHAT YOU DID message written on her compact mirror.  So she orders everyone back to the Abbott cabin for more accusations and fighting and goat screaming.  The rich people are leaning toward going to the police after all, but Mariah and Kevin know that is a terrible idea for the poors, of course.  Courtney thinks they’re in way over their head, and doesn’t seem to be capable of doing any police investigating her own damn self. 

 

Abby takes off yet again, so Kyle follows her for more accusations and arguing at Crimson Lights.  She storms out of there, and gets clobbered in the head in the park, and I seriously thought the show killed her, too, but no.  She wakes up in the hospital all groggy and on meds, and tells Stitch she went to the cabin because it was the last place she saw Austin before he was killed. …in  a car accident, okay, Stitch??  It’s not okay with Stitch, and he manages to figure out in 4 seconds that Austin was murdered and someone is trying to kill Abby.  He invites her to stay at Victoria’s for protection and also so he can grill her mercilessly for information.  I guess once Christine rage quits her job, Stitch can take over as D.A.

 

Kyle, meanwhile, keeps acting sketchy, especially in Noah’s opinion.  When they found Abby, her phone also had a lipstick message:  SHUT UP OR YOU’RE NEXT.  Clearly, that is directed at Summer.  Shut up, Summer.  They eventually decide someone outside the group is probably doing all this.

Chris finds out Nikki was supposedly driving and killed her baby.  If Paul can overact in hospitals, so can she.  Neil apparently decides staying drunk is the best course of action.  Devon gets him home where they encounter Hilary who is keeping up the sociopathic vixen act.  She is alarmed to find out it was really Neil who smashed into Chris, pretending she’s just concerned about getting sued while still Neil’s wife, but she really cares on the inside, you guys.

 

Nothing is going right for Chris, because now, on Victor’s orders, Kelly confesses to every single thing that happened with Phyllis, even lying about sleeping with Jack.  She gives a pretty shifty performance, culminating in a faint, and of course, Chris doesn’t believe her.  “Concerned citizen” Victor thinks the D.A. is acting with impropriety.  Christine would rather eat broken glass than give up on prosecuting Phyllis, but Paul takes Kelly’s statement and tells Chris she has to drop the charges against Phyllis, because that’s totally the police chief’s call.  Chris is displeased.  Victor materializes in the interrogation room to promise Kelly she’ll get what she wants and more, and Kelly is willing to trust Victor straight into a jail cell.

 

Phyllis is pretty darn stoked that Kelly confessed and the charges are going to be dropped, but Jack isn’t so sure.  He feels kinda bad for Kelly, but mostly he’s super worried about what Victor’s up to, frenemies be damned.  Phyllis is a little tired of Jack’s wishy washyness and isn’t sure she wants to marry him after all.

 

Dylan and Avery have angst that I don’t particularly care about.   I think my DVR missed an episode, because somehow Avery’s come into possession of her heirloom wedding dress she wore when she married Joe.  Imma guess Joe gave it back to her to cause some more shit and because Avery apparently didn’t take a damn thing with her when she bailed on that marriage.  Obviously, they don’t want Grandma Harriet’s wedding dress sitting around reminding them of Joe F’ing Clark, so Avery tries to foist it off on Phyllis.  Phyllis isn’t in the mood for any wedding dress, but she sure doesn’t want Grandma’s three time loser dress that was further cursed by Avery marrying Joe.  She burns it in the fireplace.  The way this show is going this cursed dress will probably reappear in various locations, along with more evil lipstick.

 

Sharon and Dylan bond more with various friendship conversations.  Sharon finally realizes she’s kind of awesome, and tells Nick so.  The show must have gotten the message that the entire English speaking world hates Hero Nick Newman right now, so he acts warm and friendly with Sharon, and he might be starting to forgive her.  Doesn’t that just warm your heart, you guys? 

 

Billy and Chelsea get engaged, causing Adam further angst, and requiring an engagement party to be held within 48 hours or I guess it doesn’t take.  Sage still threatens to throw away her entire year’s work of forging Adam into Gabriel because money doesn’t buy happiness.  Nick says so.  I have utterly lost interest in this story, and I seriously need Adam to stop wearing this cowl neck, girl sweater.  He pays his contractor extra money to take a super long time finishing the condo so he can shack up at the Abbott mansion for a while longer. 

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

[movinon]

 

 

She totally didn’t kill him, because she can’t do anything right.

.

Perfect - you're  back without missing a beat!  We're all so happy - hope you had fun

Edited to ask if Grandma Harriet's wedding dress goes into inanimate objects?

Edited March 23, 2015 by movinon

[peach]

I guess I tried to block it out, because I left out Michael acting like a total jerk and treating Lauren like garbage because CANCER.  He keeps throwing Carmine in her face, and based on his opinion of their sex life after treatment, I pretty much think Michael can't be too great in the sack as it is.

[MollyB]

Welcome back, Peach!  I think we all needed a break from this show-apparently the writers took one.

 

because CANCER.

This scene wouldn't have been missed, anyhow, since it didn't really further any story.  It did give a PIR model something else to put on his resume (or whatever actors have).  What a waste of Michael-he's almost beginning to sound like that damn goat/summer.  If I told him to 'sack up', would that be cruel?

[peacheslatour]

 

I think we all needed a break from this show-apparently the writers took one.

And still are, apparently.

[peach]

Fri, Mar 13

 

I thought maybe Friday the 13th would bring us new schlocky horror moments, like maybe Kyle getting an arrow through his throat, but they’re sticking with I Know What You Did Last Summer.  The big news is that the Scoobies have discovered Austin’s documentary work on his computer, courtesy of Kevin’s computer decoder ring skillz, and it’s a doozy. 

 

They hang about Crimson Lights and watch videos of a bitter, snarling Austin exposing the disgusting 1 percenter Abbott and Newman families of fair Genoa City.  As if it’s a secret.  He’s going to pick up the rock, you guys, and show you the worms squirming underneath!!!  Worms like his Abbott-Newman hybrid wife!  He seems especially peeved about their brand of justice which allowed him to make cheesy videos in coffee shops instead of prison, because Austin’s all about decency when he’s not kidnapping women.

 

Anywayz, Summer is SHOCKED, you guys.  How could he do this??  How could he be filled with such hate when he was basically the nicest bartender in town until a certain head writer showed up?  Everyone assures Summer she isn’t stupid.  Well…everyone but Mariah.  “That’s right, Snowflake.  You married a sonofabitch, and you’re magic loving didn’t turn him into an angel.  How will your ego survive?”  It will survive by Kyle giving it a good massage.

 

Mariah thrashes Summer pretty good about how she didn’t know Austin, and she didn’t get the husband she bought and paid for.  Mariah, Kevin, Kyle, and Summer brainstorm who could have wanted to murder Austin.  Well, Summer just argues because brainstorming isn’t really her thing.  Mariah thinks Victor’s a pretty good possibility, but OMG, Summer’s grandpa would NEVER DO THAT!  You don’t even KNOW her Grandpa, Mariah!!  “He paid me to pose as a dead girl to torment Sharon.  I think I know him.”  They debate how far Victor falls on the Evil Spectrum.  He’s “throw Billy in a foreign prison” evil, but is he “murder” evil.  Hmm, yes?

 

Summer is pretty damn sure her Grandpa isn’t leaving them lipstick messages!  Grandpa doesn’t wear lipstick!  He does, however, own a lipstick company.   Mariah points out that he could just hire someone to copy 90’s horror movie gimmicks for him.  Rich people don’t do that shit for themselves.  They seem to agree that Jack isn’t much of a plotting murderer.  Mariah says they NEED to figure out who it is so they know who to duck and cover from.

 

Well, Kevin will have to keep uncrypting Austin’s files for more evidence and hilarious videos, and Kyle will try to play like all is normal and go to Billy and Chelsea's lame engagement party.

 

Abby languishes and suffers at Victoria’s house as evidenced by her super messy hair, hideous 80’s sweater, and odd fitting sweatpants.  She must feel exceptionally awful.  Super interrogator Stitch badgers her into spilling the ENTIRE story.  Loose lips sink ships, Abby.   But Stitch promises to keep her safe, and they hug, because you know what best pals Stabby are, right?  He warns her NOT to try and find out who did all this, before she ends up with something worse than a bump on the head.  Meanwhile, Victoria keeps getting cryptic texts from Victor and runs off to the kitchen to plot on the phone, leaving Stabby with plenty of time to talk secret murder.

 

Well, Abby has to go brush her hair and go to a party…um… Billy’s engagement party.   Awkward.  Vicky insists she’s cool with everything, and, hey, why doesn’t she TAKE head injured Abby to the party herself?  Stabby convinces her that would be super weird, so Stitch will drop her off himself.   Vicky gets another text from Victor saying trust him, the results will be worth it.  Yeah, trust him.

 

Oh, did I ever mention that Billy asked Gabriel to be his best man, because of course?  He spends a lot of time assuring Chelsea and Jack that his marriage proposal doesn’t have anything to do with ole Gabe, so it makes perfect sense that he’d ask someone he cannot stand to be his best man.  They have the boring cocktail party celebrating the boring couple at the Abbotts’, where Ashley wears a super cool, modern, red dress , and Chelsea wears the ugliest white and pink lace thing EVER.  I don't even think this one would be available at David's Bridal.  Her hair looks beautiful, though.  I have to mention that my husband, who is the least fashion forward guy I know, and only watches this show under duress on occasion, has mentioned SEVERAL times, unprovoked, that he thinks she buys her clothes at K-Mart.  He can't remember anyone's names, so he calls her "that K-Mart girl."  Also, he thinks Abby is hot, and so do my sons.  They all love Abby, "that hot girl."  lol

 

Chelsea and Phyllis compete to see who can postpone an Abbott wedding the longest, but both brothers want to wrap these weddings up in 30 days or less.  Chelsea pretty obviously doesn’t want to marry Billy despite her protestations that she really, really does.  Phyllis just doesn’t trust Jack anymore, leading him to give a long, romantic speech about how they will be together forever and ever and ever.   She finally gives in and happily accepts her ring back.  They’re gonna stand before God and make a promise, y’all.  I wish I had Phyllis’ hair stylist.

 

Sage is still an idiot, and desperately wants to give up her millions so she can have the freedom to date Nick.  SHE CAN’T LOSE THIS CHANCE with a guy so f’ing fantastic he advises her to give up her financial security for no reason whatsoever.  She suggests Adam just TELL Chelsea who he is, and she will probably forgive him.   That part at least makes sense.  But Adam acts even more stupid than Sage and gets so drunk at the engagement party,  that he almost confesses to Chelsea during a painfully awkward toast, because impulsive stupidity is soooo Adam, amirite?   Jack warns Sage that she cannot handle this new, stupid Gabe.

 

Stitch stops at Crimson Lights, where he confronts Kevin about their Scooby activities.  Kevin has no idea what you’re talking about, Stitch. 

 

Victoria has to take the kids and run to the office at night, but she also has to mysteriously moon over a Jabot report with a photo of William Abbott, V.P. Marketing and Current Jabot Board Member.   Shouldn’t it say V.P. of Whatever Is Happening In This Scene? 

 

Summer and Mariah taunt each other over who is jelly of whom.  Mariah really wonders about the place Kyle holds in Summer’s glittery, pink heart.  She’s pretty sure Austin only married Summer to stay out of jail, and only stayed with her to get dirt on her family.  “Ouch,” she points out.  Summer frowny pouts.

 

THE Abby Newman got her hair all fixed lickety split and donned an Abby style cocktail dress to attend the boring party held in her own living room.  Yes, she got Kyle’s texts about the new, even more miserable news that Austin despised both of Abby’s families and was out to get them.  She’s way more realistic than Summer about Playa Austin.  “I’m an idiot, and a target, at an engagement party.  Awesome.”   Poor Abby.  (And I mean that.)

[Snaporaz]

Abby is hot. She kind of looks like a young Charlize Theron. So she's hot and rich, and her only romantic options are the husband of her brain-damaged niece, Detective Hard-on, and freaking Stitch? Whatever, show.

[MollyB]

Oh, Peach, I so missed you.

Quick interview, inquiring minds need to know how you feel after a brief (long to the rest of us) hiatus:

• did the 180 change in Stabby relationship startle you
• do you think Victoria took some on-line business courses while you were gone
• will the show now be Kevin uncrypting (oh, god, I love that word-just had to type it) dirt on everyone instead of plot
• isn't "a guy so f’ing fantastic he advises her to give up her financial security for no reason" one of the major signs of a domestic abuser
• did you see how Victor showed up in the (public) interrogation room at the jail and no one could see him but Smelly.  Didn't even have a visitor pass.
• is Kyle real or a creepy figment of everyone's imagination
• what do you see in the future for wanna-be-CoCeo who had almost the same mental state that has been assigned to Sharon [remember the blanket baby] in regards to figuring out what her daughter's relationship is to the guy she banged in the shower
• was the bartender in the dive bar serving Neil and Nikki water (yeah, right) the same bartender at GCAC hitting on Michael's Irish Setter

 

Glad to have you back, gurl, (shout out to Sharon's mom) you inspire me!

edited to change bartender to one word per my son's screams.

Edited March 24, 2015 by MollyB

[peach]

Molly B, I am laughing so hard at all of your questions, that I am sorry I don't have time to address them all now.  I have to post another recap and actually meet some real life obligations and I'm still in my pajamas.

[movinon]

Abby is hot. She kind of looks like a young Charlize Theron. So she's hot and rich, and her only romantic options are the husband of her brain-damaged niece, Detective Hard-on, and freaking Stitch? Whatever, show.

Maybe that new lawyer coming on to help Cricket could stick around - should be about the right age for Abby.

Edited March 24, 2015 by movinon

[peach]

Mon, Mar 14    Fragile Birds

 

Adam’s still drunk and stupid and on the verge of blowing his secret identity via awkward best man champagne toasts, but Jack hustles his drunk ass into the dining room for a good talking to.  Chelsea ponders, but Kyle distracts everyone with some smarmy toasting of his own about how wonderful  and romantic Billy and his con artist rapist are together.  Love is mysterious, you guys.  How many episodes do I have to look at this ugly dress?  Chelsea feels sorry for Gabriel. 

 

Jack warns Adam he better pull himself together, but Adam’s got a wedding to stop!  Phyllis is rightly suspicious of this weird, back room bickering, but Jack gets rid of her.  Jack sneers that Adam hasn’t changed a bit.  This bullshit is something VICTOR would do.  As if.  Victor would never stoop to this kind of sniveling ambivalence.  Just kidnap her already. 

 

Abby is super jumpy and anxious at the party.  Kyle snaps at her to stop acting like she’s hiding a big secret.  A killer wants them to stay quiet, so don’t confide in ANYONE outside their circle.  Hmm, about that…what if there was someone they could trust?  Ashley notices their suspicious whispering, but Abby says she’s just tired and needs to go home.  Kyle offers to walk her to her car she didn’t drive because Stitch dropped her off, but that was yesterday, so never mind.

 

Jill can’t make the party just like she didn’t make the christening, as if she’s contractually obligated to not appear in scenes with Billy anymore.  Chelsea still resists setting a wedding date.

 

Victor made Kelly stay in jail overnight, and he certainly can’t be seen with an attorney for her because that would look suspicious.  Visiting her in the interrogation room doesn’t look suspicious at all, though.  I guess he can visit whomever he pleases at the jail because he’s an evil one percenter worm.   I really hope Austin covers this sort of thing in his documentary.  Anyway, Kelly apparently needs to stop acting cocky and work on her fragile bird skillz to keep Jack worried about her.  I think of Kelly as more of an Angry Bird, but Victor does secretly pay her bail and send her off to a suite at the club.  She needs to rest so she can ready herself for what is about to come.

 

Summer and Mariah continue their bitchy bickering, and Mariah will apparently never know the kind of love that Summer and Austin had, which Summer thinks is a bad thing? 

 

Kevin scoffs at Stitch’s spot on accusations, and since when did Stabby get so chummy anyway?  Abby’s scared, Kevin, okay?  She’s like a fragile bird or something.  Kevin thinks Stitch is acting super sketchy, and maybe he knows more about this than he’s letting on!!  Sure, why not?  Hey, Stitch is just worried about all you meddling kids.  Summer and Mariah join them while Kevin accuses Stitch of being behind all the evil doings surrounding the Abbott Cabin Mystery.   “Do any of you people know how to keep a secret?” complains Mariah.  Nope.  Stitch gets all defensive.  He barely knew Austin, why would HE want to kill the guy?  Summer puts on her thinking face.

 

Kevin thinks it’s about The Documentary!  Whaaat?  Austin asked Stitch to participate in it, but he refused, so end of story.  Their only relationship was between bartender and drunk.  Kevin reminds him crime runs in his family.  KEVIN said that.  I mean, there’s his mom, his sister…  Wait, what?  Stitch didn’t know Kelly confessed to the Crimes Against Phyllis.  He takes off to find her after telling them not to do anything stupid.  Ha.  They all have a bad feeling about that guy, but Kevin admits it’s a stretch to accuse him.  He was just stirring up shit.   But they need to find out how much Abby told him.  That would be everything. 

 

Stitch finds Kelly at the police station where he gets even more worried because she’s acting super weird.  Especially after confessing to doing those things.  “Who said I did them?” she asks.  Ummm, you did?  She dances around it all and says everything’s gonna be fine.  He’s just glad she told the truth because he knows more than anyone what it’s like to live a lie.  She’s like…yeaaaah.

 

The Scoobies try to work out why Stitch would know or even CARE about Austin’s dumb Expose of Common Knowledge.  He could be protecting Jabot, or probably Victoria.  Kevin thinks there’s no limit to what a man would do to protect his woman.  So we can segueway into Adam and Jack arguing some more about THIS TERRIBLE CHELSEA STORY.

 

Jack explains that even people who were in love drift apart.  Maybe let Chelsea go.  NEVER EVER EVER, JACK!!!  He won’t give up on Chelsea like Jack did Phyllis.  He gave up too soon!  Blah bicker blah.  Jack is asking him not to blow up everything in a five mile radius by blurting out his secret in the middle of Jack’s damn living room.  Trust in the power that brought Chelsea into his life, and be patient.  I’m pretty sure that power was money.  But Jack wants Adam to believe that things happen for a reason.  On this show.  Trust, Adam, trust.

 

Adam calms down, but he’s not leaving everything to Fate, that’s for sure.  But he goes back in the living room and apologizes to Billy for acting like a big weirdo.  This isn’t the time or place for him to bare his soul.  He’ll have to wait til he gets the right person alone.  And wait and wait and wait.  The more Billy gets to know that Gabriel Bingham, the weirder he gets.  Jack wonders if Billy’s engagement isn’t all about weird old Gabe.  NO!  He loves her!  His only bright spot in the last year was Chelsea because THEY are meant to be together.  As soon as possible, dammit, in case she bolts.

 

Phyllis announces she and Jack are getting married in one month, much to Chelsea’s pleasure.  Guess they have to wait longer.  Avery calls with the infuriating news that Kelly’s out on bail.   She didn’t even have to weekend in Fairview with giant needles waving about.  This makes Phyllis so angry she slips out of the party to confront that stalker Kelly as she is wont to do.  Frankly, ANY reason is good enough to bail on this party.

 

Encyclopedia Stitch takes Kelly to her suite and wonders who paid her bail.  I don’t know if he can really handle two cases at once, but he knows something majorly sketchy is going on in Kelly’s situation.  She must be involved with dangerous people and secrets.  Nah, she’s fine.  She goes in her suite and doesn’t act very fragile bird like while ordering champagne and waltzing around in her complimentary plush, white robe.  Crazy bird, maybe.  She checks her tablet and reviews her TransGlobal PLANE TICKET itinerary.  This bird is flying the coop!  Not so fast!  Phyllis is at the door because of course.  She wants to know what Kelly is REALLY doing? 

 

Ashley and Billy talk about how “pretty darn great” Chelsea is.  Sage questions Chelsea about what’s really bothering her?  Is it that dress?  Chelsea hestitantly admits she doesn’t want to insta-marry Billy.  She says it’s because she wants a wedding with all the trimmings and that takes time to plan, unless you’re Schick or somebody magic like that.

 

Kyle bails on the party so he can hook back up with the Scoobies at the Crimson Lights clubhouse.  He is super pissed to find out Abby blabbed to Stitch.  But he thinks it’s a little far-fetched that Stitch killed Austin because of some hunch about what the guy MIGHT uncover.  WHOA!  It’s more than a hunch!  Kevin uncrypted another video,  and it’s an interview WITH STITCH!!  He was lying, you guys!!  They freeze frame on a dopey Brett Favre expression.

 

Kevin click clacks until he finds a video clip of Stitch angrily asking what this damn thing is really about, Austin?!  “You know, you’re getting into dangerous territory!  Turn that damn thing off!!” he snaps, grabbing the camera.  Wow.   That’s all Kevin can get decoded for now, probably until Friday afternoon or something.  So what else did Stitch lie about?!

 

Abby gets home to Victoria’s dimly lit house.  It’s CREEPY!  She hears a NOISE UPSTAIRS!  She tries to talk herself out of being scared, but then, THE POWER GOES OUT!  AAACCK!  She grabs a fireplace tool for defense, and then Stitch walks in!  Sheesh, it’s just the circuit breaker, he’ll go check the basement while she waits upstairs.  Oh, hell no!  The beautiful blonde always gets STABBED STABBED STABBED in this situation! (I like Abby more and more.) She’s going with him!  Leaving enough time for the Bookend Murderer to write another lipstick message on the mirror!  “I’M ALWAYS WATCHING.”  Someone was in the house!  Abby throws herself in Stitch’s arms.  He looks worried.  And shady.

 

Phyllis and Fragile Bird have a strange conversation about what Kelly is really planning.  Phyllis knows her confession was bogus, because… Phyllis really did it?  Nope, because Kelly was so adamant earlier about not doing it.  So who the hell really did it?!  Why do I care?!  They have their usual Phyllis-Kelly spat, and Phyllis grabs up the tablet and find Kelly’s TRAVEL INTINERARY.   She’s not letting  Kelly get away this!  She gets out her cell phone so she can report Kelly jumping bail!!  Isn’t this sort of “I’m telling!” declaration what sent you headfirst down some stairs?  Phyllis is a slow learner, because Crazy Bird pounds her over the head with a champagne bottle!  BAM!  Phyllis is down for the count.  Again.

 

Victor thinks everything is going according to plan, however.  He hides in his secret confessional and says Kelly is out of jail and leaving town in the next 24 hours.  “Our plan is about to fall into place, but you had better be ready.  Is that clear?”  Guess you shouldn’t have based it on a lunatic.

[movinon]

 

Jill can’t make the party just like she didn’t make the christening, as if she’s contractually obligated to not appear in scenes with Billy anymore.

I've noticed that, too.  Maybe it's because they look pretty much the same age and the mother/son conversations would appear awkward.  That is a slight exaggeration, but he does look way too old to be Billy to me.  It's probably just my Billy Miller fetish.

Edited March 24, 2015 by movinon

[Petunia13]

LOL ^ anyhow with NuOldBilly I remember Jill having a convo with him about falling for your rapist. It was I think when Mop was still pregnant and Jill was warning him about CinderCon being a sketch who fucked him over before.

Billy is an asshole character who can be obnoxious so he needs to be played by someone a bit boyish and cute and charismatic or its a dud.

Edited March 24, 2015 by Petunia13

[Runningwild]

I've noticed that, too. Maybe it's because they look pretty much the same age and the mother/son conversations would appear awkward. That is a slight exaggeration, but he does look way too old to be Billy to me. It's probably just my Billy Miller fetish.

I think that's been going on ever since Cane became Jill's 'favorite son.'

[ByTor]

What a waste of Michael-he's almost beginning to sound like that damn goat/summer.  If I told him to 'sack up', would that be cruel?

Yes.  That's what makes it so funny :)

[peach]

Tue, Mar 17  Hilary's A Pisces

 

Paul shows up at Jack’s and tells him Kelly’s out on bail.  Omg, where’s Phyllis?

 

Phyllis is lying on Kelly’s floor, after being clubbed by champagne.  Kelly calls Victor, and he BETTER NOT tell her he can’t talk.  If Kelly ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. 

 

Cane and Lily bicker at the club about their relationship being on the rocks, and how Lily talks about love, but she’s totally unforgiving.  

 

Hilary shows up and bothers Devon about the whole Neil smashing Christine thing.  She says she and Devon are the ones who drove him to it, so it damn well is her business.   They bicker over Hilary’s evil ways, and she smirks through it until Devon finally stomps off, and then she gets sad feelz.  Wah.  Cane walks up and says she doesn’t fool him.  He totally knows she’s still in love with Devon, you guys.  Well, who the hell cares?  Let this fiasco be over, Cane.

 

Lily catches shifty Kelly walking out of the club with a suitcase.   Kelly shrilly tells her about how she had to spend the whole night in actual jail!  She doesn’t want to spend another hour of her life there EVER.  Oh, does this suitcase look suspicious?  No big deal, she just needed a few things while she goes to meet her lawyer.  I guess it’s going to be a really long meeting.  Kelly rushes out.  Lily frowns and ponders.  Does this mean she’s stuck doing all the parties again?

 

Neil angrily gets to work on some vodka at the dive bar to celebrate St. Pat’s and have flashbacks about swerving  Nikki’s car into Chris.

 

Nikki fights with her lawyer at the ranch.  Victor comes in and overhears her sticking to her idiotic story that Chris ran into the street, even though all the eyewitnesses, INCLUDING THE VICTIM, say she swerved off the road right into her, and the tire tracks show the same thing.  Well, reality doesn’t matter to someone as important as Nikki Newman, witnesses and tire tracks be damned.  Victor kicks the lawyer out for today.  Youhaveaniceday.  “Baby, if you can’t tell the truth, then at least come up with a better story,” says Victor.  Word. 

 

Nikki will NOT come up with a better story, because it was an ACCIDENT, and Christine is super mean and just wants to blame and punish Nikki for running her over and killing her unborn child.  WTF is Chris’s problem, anyway?!  Victor pushes her for some truth, like wth was Neil up to inside the car?  Oh, it’s so easy to blame the drunk, isn’t it?  Especially when the drunk did it.  Victor doesn’t giveadamn about that.  The evidence and Christine are going to get Nikki in big trouble, and her “good friend” PaulWilliams doesn’t care if it does.  Nikki gets super mad at facts and runs upstairs like a bratty teenager.

 

Paul and Jack try to figure out where Phyllis is.  Jack calls her, and she manages wake up just enough to answer and groan, “Kellllly” while she lies on the floor.  They rush to the club and find her in Kelly’s suite with a bump on her noggin.  Paul wants to call an ambulance but Phyllis says NO.  Kelly is leaving town and they have to stop her.  Um, okay, maybe the let the cops do that?  Paul puts out an APB on Kelly.  She has a ticket to run!  He rushes out, and Phyllis asks Jack if he thinks she’s fabricating Kelly crimes all over again.  Looks like he does.

 

Kelly shows up on Victor’s doorstep, which really hacks him off.  She needs to go back to her fragile bird suite right away.  Well, she can’t, because Phyllis barged in and found her travel itinerary, so Kelly had to bonk her on the head.  “Are you out of your mind?” snaps Victor.  YES!  “You bonked Phyllis on the head with your champagne bottle, and now you come here and expect me to clean up your mess, is that it?”  YES!  Kelly thought they were partners.  PARTNERS??  “Are you delusional, or what?”   Victor Newman doesn’t have partners, he has minions.  You got that?

 

Cane has a pointless conversation with Homewrecker Hilary about how she’s just pretending to be a big meanie.  She insists it was all a revenge game against broken Neil and pathetic Devon.  Even Cane’s marriage is a joke now.  He knows her plan is to open the door for Neil to forgive Devon, but how long can she keep up this lie?  Forever, hopefully.  Then Cane says, “How long can you pretend that everything you felt and everything you shared when you were in his arms was a lie.”  Blech.  Why does Cane want them back together?  WHY??  His dumbassery is going to be punished however, as Lily interrupts and hopes he isn’t BUYING any of whatever Hilary just said.

 

How much pain does Hilary have to cause, huh?  When’s it enough?  Lily goes off on what a cheap whore she thinks Hilary is, until Cane tells her to stop.  Um, EXCUSE ME?  He’s going to defend her?  Hilary says not to blame Cane, but she doesn’t, she blames HILARY for everything, including convincing Cane to LIE to her.  Hilary agrees she loved every minute of it.  She struts off, and Lily tells Cane he is STILL buying into her lies.  NOTHING has changed!  Cane heaves a sigh.  Maybe stop being a busybody, Cane.

 

Lily stomps off, and Paul catches her at in the lobby.  He needs to talk about Kelly Andrews.  Lily’s like…great.   Well, she did walk out with a suitcase, with a distinct lack of confidence.   Oh, and she can’t spend another HOUR in jail, like ever. 

 

Nikki meets up with Neil at the dive bar.  Victor cleaned out her damn liquor cabinet (FINALLY), so she’ll have what Neil’s having.  UGH!  YUCK!  It’s WATER!  Neil says that IS what he’s having.  Vodka was only making things worse.  They argue about Neil’s guilt.  Nikki thinks they should just stick to the story.  It was just a little accident, no big deal!  But Neil says he was drunk and out of control, and Nikki’s getting the blame!  “The prosecutor is coming for YOU, baby,” he says.  Pish posh, Victor will get her out of it.  He always does.  Yeah, but Neil’s already confessed.  Gasp!

 

He got hammered and spilled his guts to Devon, plus Hilary heard it, too.  Nikki’s like, whew, those two will protect him.  Neil doesn’t WANT protection for killing Chris and Paul’s unborn kid!  Nikki’s like, what EVER, just set up a scholarship fund or something.  “The same way ADAM tried to buy salvation after what he did to Delia?” asks Neil in disgust.  Hey, he wasn’t buying salvation, he was balancing the karmic scales. Nikki's like, yuck.  Neil is NOT Adam, who truly did ACCIDENTALLY kill someone instead of being drunk and swerving all over the road, but let’s protect Neil instead.  He’d just be throwing his life away to confess.  Nikki thinks having an actual conscience is just an excuse to give up on life because he’s heartbroken.  Don’t let Hilary take anything more from him!  

 

Phyllis made it home and is on the couch with a blanket and an ice pack.  Phyllis still sees doubt in Jack, but he reminds her he just asked her to marry him for the umpteenth time, which is a roundabout answer.  She refuses to see a doctor because Kelly is leaving town!  Sitting on that couch is a really effective plan, then.   Jack lectures her on trust and honesty.  She should have told him about Kelly making bail instead of running off to confront her AGAIN.  “Honey, you had to know this was going to end badly.”  Phyllis was just in shock.  Where did Kelly get the kind of money to pay her huge bail?!  Hmm, think, think.  Omg, it’s totally Victor!

 

Victor is furious that Kelly bonked Phyllis with a bottle when he had asked her specifically to act like a fragile damsel in distress.  Does Kelly even know what “fragile” means?  (I think it’s Italian!)  Kelly had no choice!  Phyllis was calling the cops.  Victor just has to get her out of the country quicker than he thought.  Mm-mm, Victor doesn’t have to do adamnthing.  He’s not tied to her in any traceable way, except for hanging out in interrogation rooms with her.  He could call the cops RIGHT NOW and accuse her of trespassing and threatening him!  But he will help her, despite her ridiculous behavior!  “There’s a price, isn’t there?” she asks.  “There’s ALWAYS a price!” he growls.  Unless you’re him.

 

Devon shows up at the bar and talks to Nikki.  He thanks her for protecting Neil.  Nikki really does blame herself, because Neil only grabbed the wheel when he found out she was forcing him to an AA meeting.  She knows better than that.  Devon doesn’t think either of them are to blame.   Nikki doesn’t want Neil to punish himself for running somebody over while drunk.    Oops, Neil isn’t in the bathroom, he left the bar.

 

Victor throws Kelly out a side door, while Jack forces his way in the front.  I guess Kelly parked behind a bush.  “Well, I’llbedamned. If it isn’t Jack and Phyllis.  I thought you’d still be celebrating your engagement to your maaahvelous brother, Billy Boy.” Lol  HA!  Phyllis knows what you’re up to!  What, besides helping her elude charges?  Jack says Phyllis got a champagne bottle upside the head thanks to him.  Who, VICTOR?  They think it was quid pro quo, Kelly confessed, and Victor bailed her out. “Why the hell would I help Kelly Andrews?”  That’s exactly what Jack is going to find out.  Victor looks unimpressed.

 

Hilary’s so bummed out, she goes to the dive bar and drowns her sorrows in a huge mug of green beer.  The drunk on the next stool says she needs the love of a good man.  She tells her sordid story of screwing over a kind, old blind man, surviving a plane crash, and tearing the heart out of the one true love of her life.  That’s what she did with the love of TWO good men.  Yeah, Devon’s super noble.  “Let me guess,” says the drunk guy, “you’re a Pisces.”  Hilary laughs and then cries.  I just laugh.

 

Asshole enablers Nikki and Devon rush to the police station to find Neil before he can confess anything.  Neil is not going to listen to them.  He’s not being a martyr, it’s not wounded pride or heartache.  Neil doesn’t like what he’s become.  He’s not the kind of man who’s going to let Nikki take the fall for what he did.  It’s about self-respect.  Well, now you’re REALLY confusing Nikki and Devon.

 

Jack accuses Victor of paying bail, getting Kelly a suite, and out of town.  What possible reason would he have?  “SHE MEANS NOTHING TO ME.  Ah, but she means something to you, doesn’t she Jack?  Your former paramour, your illicit lover, who you coveted while she was in a coma!”  Victor’s really bringing it today.  Victor’s like, so Phyllis has a bump on the head, big deal.   Shouldn’t Jack be HAPPY that Phyllis isn’t facing prosecution, and Kelly’s gone away?  Why aren't you HAPPY, Jack??

 

Jack’s phone rings.  It’s fragile bird Kelly, calling from a pay phone.  She weakly whimpers that she couldn’t leave without saying one last goodbye.  Jack gets all worried, right on cue.   He tries to convince her NOT to jump bail and come back so he can help her…Phyllis isn’t even hurt that bad, okay?   Phyllis has angry ants in her pants.  Give HER the phone!  Ha, no way.  Jack begs her to meet up, and he will get her an attorney.  “Jack,” she desperately whispers, “my white knight, even to the end.  Please, remember…I always loved you.”  This isn’t the end!  KELLY, DON’T!!  Kelly hangs up and grins.  Ha!

 

Phyllis is like, ohhh, did she say she’s alooone, and she loooved you?  Jack gives her a look.  “OMG!  SHE DID!” Phyllis cries. She freaks out that Jack would believe any of this sociopathic bullshit!!  Victor looks on, smirking with satisfaction while his little pawns do exactly what he wants.  Jack’s worried what Kelly will do to herself!  She’s probably drinking a martini on a private plane.

 

Cane and Lily blather about their relationship.  He tells Lily his Hilary theory about her true love for Devon making her push him away.  “Wow.  How thoughtful of her.  The same woman who drugged you and tried to ruin this family.”  Cane thinks people are complicated.  Like Kelly.  Love can be kind and patient, and also totally f’ing psychotic.  But he’s sick of apologizing.  They talk forgiveness, and Lily lovingly extends her hand to him, but her face still says eat shit and die.  Never change, Lily.

 

Hilary’s polished off her green beer, and says goodbye to her drunken astrology pal.   She can pay for her own damn drinks, thanks.  She always takes care of herself…always will.  She gets up to leave and the bartender says don’t mind Lou, he’s harmless.  “I’m not,” says Hilary.  Dramatic.

 

Paul walks in the station.  Neil wants to talk about the accident.  Nikki keeps trying to interrupt, but Neil insists on talking.  He’s there to say the accident wasn’t Nikki’s fault.  Paul says if he wants to vouch for HER, then save it for court.  No, you don’t understand.  “Nikki’s not the one responsible for taking the life of your baby.  I am.”

Edited March 25, 2015 by peach

[movinon]

 

“Baby, if you can’t tell the truth, then at least come up with a better story,” says Victor. 

Probably the smartest thing I ever heard come out of Victor's mouth......EVER

 

“Are you delusional, or what?”   Victor Newman doesn’t have partners, he has minions.  You got that?

Another really good one, Peach.  Victor has had lots of good lines the last couple of weeks.

[miamama]

I have to mention that my husband, who is the least fashion forward guy I know, and only watches this show under duress on occasion, has mentioned SEVERAL times, unprovoked, that he thinks she buys her clothes at K-Mart.  He can't remember anyone's names, so he calls her "that K-Mart girl."

 

lol. This is great. And very accurate.

 

Another really good one, Peach.  Victor has had lots of good lines the last couple of weeks.

 

I am beginning to get seriously irked at how Victor is the ONLY person on the entire show who gets to appear smart.

[peach]

Oh, Peach, I so missed you.

Quick interview, inquiring minds need to know how you feel after a brief (long to the rest of us) hiatus:

• did the 180 change in Stabby relationship startle you

 

My first interview!

Hmm, did Stabby startle me?  Well, they've kinda been in a frenemy truce at work, so it's not completely a 180, but seriously, now they're BFF'S?  I don't mind, though, because like others have noticed, Stabby has alllll the chemistry.  In all their previous "screwball comedy," Moonlighting style arguments, characters like Victoria faded into the woodwork.  So I'm down with it.

 

~do you think Victoria took some on-line business courses while you were gone?

Possibly.  Victoria is super boring and self-absorbed, but I have to say she does work more than most of the other business moguls. 

 

~isn't "a guy so f’ing fantastic he advises her to give up her financial security for no reason" one of the major signs of a domestic abuser

Excellent point, but when talking about Nick, it's also important not to attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity.

 

~did you see how Victor showed up in the (public) interrogation room at the jail and no one could see him but Smelly.  Didn't even have a visitor pass.

Yes!  I'm glad that other characters have seen the effects of Victor, so we know it really happened. 

 

~is Kyle real or a creepy figment of everyone's imagination

Kyle is real, but he's definitely creepy in his special 1980's Van Patten, James Spader sort of way.

 

~what do you see in the future for wanna-be-CoCeo who had almost the same mental state that has been assigned to Sharon [remember the blanket baby] in regards to figuring out what her daughter's relationship is to the guy she banged in the shower

I feel like maybe the shower bang will go the way of the music box since Ashley has stopped mentioning it every hour, on the hour.  Or it will rear its ugly head if Stabby really becomes a thing.  But Hex has to beat Brash'n'Sassy to market first.

 

~was the bartender in the dive bar serving Neil and Nikki water (yeah, right) the same bartender at GCAC hitting on Michael's Irish Setter

You know, I wondered that very same thing!  I think it must be. Times are tough in GC, we're already down two dead bartenders.

 

[ByTor]

 Does Kelly even know what “fragile” means?  (I think it’s Italian!) 

HA! :)

[peach]

Wed, Mar 18    Pixels Don’t Lie, But Everyone Else Does

 

Nick is waiting at Crimson Lights for Sharon to deliver Faith, and one thing he will not tolerate is her being LATE.  Like Nick has anything else to do.  Dylan kindly tells him he’s an unreasonable jerk.  He gets on the phone and tells a contractor he wants to start on the repairs as soon as possible.  The repairs??  The whole building collapsed.  Maybe they’ll put the bar in the hole in the ground and it will be ironic or something. 

 

Then Noah, Summer, and Kevin pop in, because they also have nothing else to do.   Heeey, Summer, super special daughter that means everything to me whose husband just died but I haven’t thought about in several days!  How ARE you?  She’s fine, thanks.  Nick stops Noah and asks how Summer is REALLY doing, because she didn’t pout or cry or rage or complain or anything, so what’s going on?  Well, Summer is super depressed because it turns out Austin wasn’t just into cheating with family members, he was a dirt digger upper on the Newman family!  GASP!  The kind of dirt that somebody didn’t done want dug, if you know what I’m sayin.’

 

Joe stops by Avery’s office and asks if she received old Grandma Harriet’s unlucky wedding dress.  Yep, and quit sending her crap like that.  Just get rid of her mementos, because Avery doesn’t WANT them, as evidenced by her leaving it all behind when she ran off with Dylan.  Get a damn clue already.  Fine, he really just came by because he needs a lawyer. 

 

Abby and Kyle have a preppy rich kid chat at the club.  Abby’s moved in over there because she feels safer with more security, the kind that let Ian Ward run rampant.  But Kyle agrees it’s probably safer than Victoria’s house, because she needs to stay far away from Stitch.  Where the hell does Abby even live??  I seriously don’t know. I thought she lived in the mansion right now.  Isn’t that where they all go when they’re in between lovers?  She deserves the Barbie Townhouse, dammit!   Stick Summer in a Newman Ranch outbuilding of some sort.

 

ANYWAY, Abby feels ILL over being so gullible and naïve, falling for dirt digger Austin’s BS, but at least Stitch caught on to him.  To be fair, Abby’s probably used to gold diggers, not yucky dirt diggers, and Austin had great abs.  I’m not sayin’ it was right, Abby, I’m just sayin’ I unnerstand.

 

Kyle breaks it to Abby that they found video of Stitch, where he COMPLETELY LOST IT on camera, and THREATENED Austin!  Exaggerate much??  Geez, I must appear to be an axe murderer a good part of the time.   I would describe Stitch as extremely irritated, not homicidal.  Not Kyle, though.  “Abby, he looked mad enough to KILL Austin.  As far as we know, he’s the one who did it.”  Kyle sure likes to jump to conclusions for someone WHO HAD AUSTIN’S BLOOD IN HIS TRUNK. 

 

Stitch looks at the mirror at home and worries and ponders.  He flashes back to them finding the creepy mirror message.  He squints.  He decides to tell Victoria that someone was watching the house last night.  He’s afraid it was Abby’s attacker.  OMG, did he call the police?!  Umm, there was no evidence, like serial killer lipstick messages or anything like THAT.  It was just “a strong feeling” they had.  That’s good enough for Vicky!  We’re also experiencing more film noir, horizontal blinds lighting on faces.  Drama!

 

Vicky is super worried about all the trauma Abby is going through.  Stitch says he and Abby agreed they would all be safer if she moved over to the club with its 24 hour security, and away from the children.  Vicky wonders if a 5 star hotel would even know what to do about securing beautiful, rich blondes, so Stitch should keep an eye on her personally.  So somehow Billy knows more about medicine than Stitch, and Stitch knows more about protection than a security team.  He’ll do it, of course.  Vicky just doesn’t understand why this is happening to her sister!  “Sometimes people do things for reasons [plot contrivance] the world will never know,” says philosopher Stitch.  They hug, and Stitch stares in suspicious fashion.

 

Kyle explains that the good doctor claims he didn’t do an interview with Austin, but it’s all there on his laptop!  He got mad and was going to smash that camera on Austin’s head.  That’s way more damning than, like, someone’s BLOOD in your car.  Abby says Austin just pissed him off, big deal.  How does that make him a murderer?  WHY is Abby so willing to believe what her perfectly nice, heroic brother-in-law and coworker says at face value?!  Only accept what spoiled Kyle says at face value!  “Oh, that’s right.  Gullible and naïve, that’ll do it,”snipes Kyle.  Abby punches him in the throat!  Just kidding.  She sighs. 

 

Kyle backhand apologizes that it’s not Abby’s fault for being so stupid because she’s been through a lot lately.  He’s just worried because she confided in Stitch, and he offered to help, but also said they need to keep quiet.  Just like the person leaving messages.  Abby says Kyle needs to get his facts straight.  She’s the one who begged STITCH to keep it a secret.  Kyle says anyone who made it into the documentary either had a secret, revealed a secret, or discovered a secret.  That’s a lot of secrets.  So everyone is a suspect.  Except Kyle, of course, shadow lurker, Summer coveter, and keeper of bloody towels.

 

Noah explains to Nick about the dirty documentary on the Newmans and Abbotts.  Nick is FURIOUS.  Summer kept Austin out of jail, she MADE THEM accept that creep, and then MARRIED him and gave him EVERYTHING including including her virginity and a bartender job with free Underground t-shirts, and he was USING HER THE WHOLE TIME?!  ARRRRGH!  He starts charging toward the terrace, hopefully to yell at Summer for being so goddamn stupid, but Noah stops him.  Summer can’t handle, well, anything, so let’s not mention it to her.

 

Sharon finally arrives with Faith, looking ah-mazing with a cool ponytail.  But Faith was slow as molasses this morning because she is having a bad hair day.  :o(  Sharon apologizes for being late, but Nick totally doesn’t mind because Dylan is standing right there listening.  Faith begs for Sharon to stay and have breakfast with them.  Aww, Nick thinks that would be a lovely idea, and warmly invites her to join them like the big fake douchebag he is.  Dylan’s job is done here, so he walks off to wash dishes.  Go, Dylan! 

 

Noah sits in the Scooby headquarters on the terrace and tells Summer not to beat herself up for trusting a vengeful, kidnapping stalker who shot cops.  No one knew what Austin was up to.  He was always busy cutting limes and being kind and compassionate to everyone.  Kevin thinks maybe someone did know.  Maybe Austin didn’t know what he was getting into with this documentary, he was just asking questions and didn’t realize he would find something to get him killed.   Summer thinks, which appears to cause her pain, as usual.

 

Abby gets to her suite, wearing an olive green sweater and a cute, short floral flouncy skirt.  She has a flashback to the creepy night at Vicky’s.  There’s a knock on the door!!  GASP!!!!!!

 

Hey, let’s retcon cold-hearted capitalist Joe’s history some more and give him a charity for abused women and children to save…you know, because of his traumatic childhood.  “Anything I can do to protect these kids from monsters like my old man…”  Okay, but Avery still questions a little bit that he suddenly has an interest in philanthropy.  Oh, well, it’s not something he’s been very vocal about.  It’s just that Avery’s the only one he trusts enough to tell, now that he’s realized the only way to defeat Dylan is in a pity contest.  Of course he’s never sought counseling, but helping people out of their situation is therapeutic enough.  Avery softens, but holds out enough to ask why HERE, and why NOW?

 

Shick and Faith giggle and have their unfortunate mad chemistry over coffee, but then Sage interrupts because she’s a dumbass jerk.   Sharon excuses herself, and says now its Daddy’s turn.  She hugs Faith goodbye, who deploys the evil eye at Sage.  Sage’s friendly smile fading to possible fear is a thing of beauty.  Lol  I watched that twice.

 

Kevin thinks Austin started deleting files because he was getting threats.  He can’t find any more footage with Stitch, but what they did see was really incriminating, if you’re a five year old.  Summer says it was really intense, you guys.  They’ve never seen this side of him!  Noah remembers that Stitch is a war vet, and you know how THEY are.  He had possible motive to protect Victoria, says Kevin.  However he’s involved, he could be leaving them the messages.  Summer Logic:  Stitch already spent time in prison for a murder he DIDN’T commit, so he might commit murder now to shut them up.  I might go pretty far to make SUMMER shut up.  Noah ponders.

 

It’s STITCH at Abby’s door.  He’s moving in RIGHT NEXT DOOR to help protect her, and he’s hired even more ex-military security guys so she’ll be super safe.  He told Vicky someone was following Abby, but left out the intruder, the lipstick, and Austin’s murder.  Abby’s nervous. 

 

Vicky’s back to reading her William Abbott Jabot report.  Sly Kyle stops by looking for Abby, but gosh, he didn’t know she’s staying at the club now.  Good idea.  He’s been sooo worried about her.  He’s surprised to find out Stitch is now LIVING next to Abby.  Uh-oh.    Wow…so that’s pretty solid, trusting your  husband in a room next to ABBY, he says.  He’s really throwing people under the bus today.   Um, it was Vicky’s idea.  Even better, smirks Kyle.  Vicky doesn’t think Abby is going to jump in bed with every man that crosses her path.  This is about protecting Abby, and Stitch was in the army so he’s trained to [kill] protect people.  “Well, he’s damn good at protecting a secret,” says Kyle.

 

Abby asks if it would be so bad to clue in Victoria?  She was willing to go to the police.  Yeah, and she ended up in the hospital.  She doesn’t want that to happen to someone else, right?  So, is there anything else Abby hasn’t told him, you know, for security’s sake?  Abby gets super skittish and starts backing up to the door.  No, no, Stitch knows everything….  She bolts for the door, but Stitch grabs it so she can’t get out.  What is her problem?!  Why is she acting afraid of him?  Abby will SCREAM, Stitch!!!  “You think I’m the one who attacked you??  That I sent those threats?”  DID YOU?

 

Sage tries to chat up Faith, and stupid Nick tries to force her to be friendly, but Faith is not having it.   Give this kid a break, Nick.  Sage finally gives up and leaves.

 

On Sharon’s way out, she stops and overhears the Scoobies. Obviously, they need a better clubhouse. “As long as the secret Austin uncovered stays buried, and no one else finds out what’s on THIS computer, there’s a good chance we’ll all stay safe,” says Kevin.  So THAT’S not going to happen.  Sharon gets shifty eyes.  OH EM GEEEE, if they make my Sharon the murderer of that goat-bleater’s husband, I don’t even know what I’ll do.  An Archer RAMPAGE, maybe.

 

Sharon joins the Scoobies and chats up Noah about how wonderful and understanding Nick is for letting her drink coffee in his presence.  It gives her hope.  And Sharon really hopes sullen Summer will be able to forgive her one day because she misses having her in her life.  Gross.  SUMMER doesn’t HAVE to pretend to be nice because of Faith, so piss off.

 

Kyle spills the beans about Austin’s cautionary tale between the haves and the have nots.  “And spoiler alert, the haves don’t come off too well.”  He bursts Victoria’s bubble that Stitch wasn’t involved in it. He had a starring role, according to Kyle.  Vicky laughs it off, but Kyle gets his information from his eyes, thank you very much.  Kevin has the video and pixels don’t lie.  He dramatically points out how Stitch has a foot in both evil rich family worlds and was perfectly positioned to give an insider’s view on all the boring skeletons in their closet.  I was under the impression that all their skeletons were on the front page of the GC Buzz.

 

Nick finds Sage at the GCAC bar, and she’s so clueless about Nick, she thinks he’s there to break off their friendship because Faith’s the number one person in his life, and she needs to stop wasting her time.  Hahahahaha.  Nick is like wtf are you talking about?  He came there to apologize for his daughter’s selfishness.

 

Joe claims this Better Days charity had Constance Bingham as its main benefactor, and since she died, everything is tied up in probate because Constance really had a stupid will.  So they reached out to Joe for help restructuring their organization.  Look, Joe really did want to leave town, but… “You couldn’t say no,” says Avery with eyes shining.  I bet she sends money to Nigerian princes.  Obviously, this is just like softie Avery’s work with the Innocence Foundation, so how can she not be his lawyer, right?  Who else could possibly do it?

Now she can see how all his greed and ambition was just to prove he’s overcome his terrible childhood and not because he likes being rich and powerful and super goodlooking.  She touches his hand.  Dylan walks in, and Avery proudly announces how she’s going to handle all the paperwork for Joe’s new nonprofit bleeding heart.  THEN she leaves Dylan alone with him.

 

Dylan can’t believe Joe can even say the word nonprofit out loud.  What’s it about.  Well, he’s saving abused women and children, of course.  Dylan thinks it sounds like another excuse to keep working Avery.  There’s nothing noble about what Joe’s doing, and they both know it.

 

Summer has no interest in Sharon being around her.  She’s surrounded by enough lies right now.  Okay, bye.  Kevin leaves the super special laptop in the care of Noah and Summer, and they argue about Sharon.  Summer’s sick of people saying she wasn’t responsible for her crap because she wasn’t in her right mind.  Um, like them at the cabin when the murdering and covering up started, when they were messed up on punch?  THAT’S DIFFERENT.  Well, Noah backed up Summer that she didn’t kill Austin, because he knows her, and he knows his mom, too.  Summer thinks they should look for evidence that Sharon was at the cabin or put his body in that car.  Let’s accuse Sharon out of the clear blue sky.  She just wants Noah to THINK ABOUT it, okay.  He does.  He has a flashback to when she told him about torching the ranch.  She was scared and confused, okay.  Noah worries.

 

Stitch badgers Abby about why she’s afraid of him, and it takes her 3 seconds to admit that Kyle thinks he guilty.  KYLE?  HE has a reason to lie, not Stitch.  Abby relaxes, because she doesn’t really think Stitch is the problem.  But she doesn’t know WHAT to think about all this insanity and who’s behind it.  Well, Stitch has a theory!  Maybe Austin stumbled on some whopper about VICTOR!  And they all know he’ll go to any lengths to Protect The Family.  “Not any lengths.  Not murder,” says Abby.  Except for those murders.  Stitch used to think like that, but you can go too far protecting your family.   Like he did for his mother.  “So why protect me?” says Abby.  HELLO?  You’re smoking hot, that’s why.

 

Dylan totally knows Joe is trying to win the pity contest, and is trumping PTSD by using battered families.  Hey, Joe had it rough growing up.  Rougher than YOU, Dylan, so you’re going to LOSE!

 

Noah tells Summer she’s the only one who gets away with dissing his mom this way.  Hey, he disses HER mom.  They’re both terrible, so call it even.  Noah still can’t believe she’s accusing Sharon of murder.  “I’m not ACCUSING her, Noah, I’m just saying she totally did it because I hate her.”  They can’t go around ignoring “evidence” just because they’re friends with someone or related to them, unless it’s Kyle, Fen, Kevin, Mariah, Summer, or Noah.  Apparently the “evidence” against Sharon is that…she’s Sharon.

 

Noah’s like, um, she’s MY MOTHER.  And he’ll lock them both in a cell if he has to, until they both get along.  Cuz that’s usually how cage matches end, with everyone getting along…TO THE DEATH.  Actually, would love to see that cage match.  They decide to eat cake instead.  They go to the counter and leave the world’s most important laptop unattended, in this sketchy neighborhood.  Plus sketchy Sharon is still there, and she tiptoes up to the backpack.  My rampage is percolating.

 

Joe leaves, and Avery comes back so Dylan can argue with her about doing any work for JOE.  Tsk tsk, Dylan, domestic violence is a very serious issue.  OMG, can’t she SEE that he’s just USING all this to drive a wedge between them?!?!  TSK TSK, DYLAN!  “You might want to give Joe the benefit of the doubt!  Would that really be so difficult?!”  Dylan just stares at her, like, are you fucking KIDDING me??  Who ARE you?

 

Nick explains to Sage how Faith always does this, and he totally doesn’t care.  She really shouldn’t take his daughter’s feelings seriously.  Oh, okay!  No problem, then.  Faith is just going to have to accept any woman he shoves in her face because he’s moving on and he’s excited about it.  Oh, goody, Nick is excited!  Screw Faith.  “How excited?” asks Sage.  Excited enough to lean in for the big smoochy smooch.  Wow, Sage is super lucky.

 

Sharon slowly walks to the backpack, and starts slipping the laptop out, but this move called for catlike quickness, not this slo mo stuff.  Kyle walks in the back door and catches her!  Kyle!!  Summer and Noah come back in.  GASP!  “What the hell are you doing with Austin’s computer!” snaps Summer.  Sharon stares.  Checking Facebook?  She ought to say she’s teaching these kids a lesson about leaving valuable electronics unattended.

 

Stitch tells Abby she deserves to be protected.  She weeps and says she’s not sure she does.  Well, she sure doesn’t deserve to be assaulted by a psycho.  Vicky asked him to keep her safe, and he’s going to do whatever he has to to protect her.  Including give her a hug, which Victoria creeps in and jealously witnesses, even though this was all her dumb idea.

[movinon]

 

Noah sits in the Scooby headquarters on the terrace and tells Summer not to beat herself up for trusting a vengeful, kidnapping stalker who shot cops.  No one knew what Austin was up to.  He was always busy cutting limes and being kind and compassionate to everyone.  Kevin thinks maybe someone did know.  Maybe Austin didn’t know what he was getting into with this documentary, he was just asking questions and didn’t realize he would find something to get him killed.   Summer thinks, which appears to cause her pain, as usual.

Great recap, Peach.  I bolded your last sentence because it sums up Summer so well.  She is such a waste of space and our entire soap is built around her.....It scares me.  

[MollyB]

Wow, a little r&r goes a long way with you!  Loved this recap-some favorite lines:

• The repairs??  The whole building collapsed.
• super special daughter that means everything to me whose husband just died but I haven’t thought about in several days!
• I’m not sayin’ it was right, Abby, I’m just sayin’ I unnerstand.  (love me some Chris Rock)
• Except Kyle, of course, shadow lurker, Summer coveter, and keeper of bloody towels.
• OH EM GEEEE, if they make my Sharon the murderer of that goat-bleater’s husband, I don’t even know what I’ll do.  An Archer RAMPAGE, maybe.  (I'll be right there with you!)
• I bet she sends money to Nigerian princes.
• Dylan just stares at her, like, are you fucking KIDDING me??  Who ARE you?

[peach]

Mar 19-20 Preempted for NCAA MARCH MADNESS 

Mon, Mar 23  Genoa City March Madness

Victor hits the confessional to tell his collaborator that everything has been put into motion, and after a few minor setbacks like champagne bonking, they’re ready to proceed.  He hopes Person X is ready to do his/her part, and that JackAbbott is ready, too.

 

Jack is ready to hear a big announcement from Ashley in the lab.  Victor’s pulling Brash’n’Sassy’s love potion from the market.  Whaaat?  After all that trouble to steal the formula?  What is he up to?  Paul calls Jack about something surprising concerning Kelly.

 

Phyllis is at home making a hair appointment with Diego.  Who is this Diego, and where can I find him?  HORRORS!  Kelly is standing in the foyer!  The drama drums are playing!  Kelly says it’s so nice to have a stylist you can trust, because when it comes down to it…it’s all in the CUT!  She pulls out a butcher knife!  AAACK!

 

Sharon faces down the Scoobies while holding the laptop.  Oh, THIS laptop?  She was going to buy Faith some leggings online.  Summer sneers that she could do that on her phone.  What, silly old Sharon hasn’t figured out how to work her smartphone like you whippersnappers, and she didn’t think Noah would mind her using his computer.  Summer says she’s LYING.  She KNEW it was Austin’s computer!  Why did she want to look at it?!

 

Mariah and Kevin search around the cottage for a lost phone charger.  Kevin says he’s gotten a lot more stuff off Austin’s computer.  “Tales from the crypt, I love it,” says Mariah.  Kevin says their Spielberg wannabe was deleting files, files he didn’t want people to see.  People like Stitch.  Maybe they were just files that sucked, Kevin.  Mariah can’t BELIEVE Abby blabbed to Stitch that Austin was murdered!  But Abby can’t keep her mouth shut any more than she can keep her hands off other women’s men.

 

Stitch holds and comforts distraught Abby while dumb Victoria watches.  “What am I interrupting,” she asks, coming in.  Oh, just some actual chemistry between characters.

 

Sharon and Kyle pester Sharon until she breaks.  FINE, she will tell them the truth.  She knows that Austin has documentary interviews on that computer.  Because she’s one of the people he interviewed.  Twilight Staring.

 

Abby’s just really upset, Victoria.  Vicky keeps questioning her about why.  Um, she’s in hiding from a stalker?  Stitch was just calming her down.  Victoria pretends she’s not jealous and suspicious, and thinks maybe having Stitch next door isn’t enough.  She’ll talk to Dad about getting some private security.  Stitch panics.  NO, DO NOT tell Victor about this!

 

Meanwhile, back in the confessional, Victor gives a no guts, no glory pep talk to his partner in crime.  Kelly Andrews has done her part, now it’s this person’s turn.

 

Kelly is SICK of doing this dance, around and around, fighting over Jack!  So she’s going to END IT!  Phyllis says she’ll get caught and go to prison for life!  “Oh, but it will be so worth it!  Because all I will do in my cell is think of you, lying on the ground, bleeding to death, begging for JACK!”  Wow.  Phyllis tries a pretty useless tack of saying Kelly saw her son die, so she won’t end another life.  “My son was an innocent, little boy,” cries Kelly, shaking, “and YOU are a vicious, evil monster who deserves to DIE!!!”  THUNK!  Kelly plows the knife into Phyllis’ gut.  Geez, that’s a little violent for daytime TV.  “Jaaaaack,” screeches Phyllis.  “Jack can’t help you now, sweetheart.  No one can.”  Kelly raises the knife over her head, and…IT WAS JUST A DREAM. 

 

Phyllis bolts awake on the couch.  She has some wild dreams, doesn’t she?  Phyllis is super freaked out by this one.  She hears someone coming in the front door, so she grabs a fire poker and hides against the bookshelf!  She jumps out, but it’s just Jack, of course.  Sooo, honey, have you seen your doctor today?  Yep, she’s fine, it’s just terrifying nightmares about being murdered, because Kelly is free on bail.  But Jack has news!  A woman fitting Kelly’s description was seen boarding a plane Abu Dhabi, because there are a lot direct flights from Wisconsin to UAE. 

 

But Phyllis isn’t happy about Kelly jumping bail!  Yes, and Jack is pretty sure she had some help from a certain powerful someone.  Phyllis still believes that in Kelly’s twisted brain, getting rid of Phyllis can get Jack back.  Jack doesn’t think Kelly’s crazy enough for murder.  What if he’s wrong?!  Jack assures her the Abu Dhabi police are going to arrest Kelly the moment she steps off the plane, so Phyllis is safe, because they’re bringing her back to town instead of letting her run into a desert 7,000 miles away from them.  But he won’t LET Kelly hurt her.

 

Stitch insists he’s already hired private security, and there’s no  point in getting VICTOR worried about his own daughter.  Abby makes a bunch of lame excuses for why some shark bait guy can’t just drive over and guard her door for free.  Ashley calls to find out why she AND Ben aren’t at work today.   Oh, hey, work.  Okay, they’ll be right there.  Together.

 

Abby goes to fix herself up, and Stitch hems and haws about the innocent hug.  Victoria insists she wants Stitch to watch over Abby, until they know she’s not in any more danger.  Don’t let Abby be alone.  Abby and Stitch leave, and Vicky looks around the suite worriedly, because she’s stupid. 

 

Kevin asks if Mariah hates Abby because of Tyler.  Sort of, but Abby just bugs the CRAP out of her because she’s obscenely rich, gorgeous, funny, smart, fearless…and did she mention the gorgeous thing?  Kevin says MARIAH is all of the things, well, except for rich.  Aww, does Kevin think she’s gorgeous?  She smiles but says he’s lying.  She complains some more about Abby generally being hot stuff, but Kevin walks up to her and says SHE has something Abby doesn’t.  “An awesome job at The Underground?”  Nope.  Substance.  “You are real, you feel stuff, and you care about people.”  Etc.  “Don’t go making me out to be a good person,” jokes Mariah.  They absolutely adorably flirt with each other, and I’m in love with them as a couple.

 

Noah says Sharon never told him about this interview.  Well, it was a while back, and she just wanted to see her part.  Kyle accuses her of wanting to delete any footage of herself.  WHY?  What did she SAY?  She guiltily half-whispers to Noah that she said some things about Nick that she probably [should] shouldn’t have.  So, hey, Summer, if you could just delete those files..  FAT CHANCE.  Look, the movie’s not getting made, so why hurt people  needlessly with the truth about what douchebags they are?  Summer bitches that Sharon doesn’t care about hurting other people.  Hey, Sharon was in a Bad Place when she said that stuff.  HA.  Bad Places are for people like Summer and Austin and Nick, and well, just about everyone except you, Sharon.   The Family stealing your kid is NO EXCUSE to talk shit about them.

 

They argue, and Noah suggests HE talk to Summer about this.  Sharon leaves, and Summer snaps that she GETS that Sharon’s his mom, but she CANNOT get away with this!  Only all of them can get away with this!  Noah’s like what’s the crime in wanting to see the footage?  No, SUMMER CAN TELL there’s more to it than that.  Geez, does she really think Sharon murdered Austin?!  Which would be a huge favor, btw.  Kyle knows she’s hiding something, so they need to decrypt the files and find out what it is.  Noah sighs.  Sharon watches from the window.  Why don’t they just throw this damn laptop in the river and go on with their lives?  Austin’s fucking dead, and the police don’t even care.  Sharon should have just dumped a latte grande on it and been done with it.

 

Abby and Stitch get to the lab, where Ashley surprises them with the first box of rape perfume!  Hex is on the way to stores!  They ooo and ahh over the packaging, and Ashley happily tells them Victor pulled Brash’n’Sassy.  Stitch logically assumes lawyers told him to do that, but that’s ridiculous.  Ash doesn’t know what he’s up to, but she doesn’t care, because this is a huge opportunity for Jabot!  Who cares what Victor’s doing?

 

Vicky goes to the ranch, and they discuss the Jabot annual report, and gosh darn it, she can’t find ANY vulnerabilities.  Which, I guess most companies don’t broadcast those in annual reports.   Vicky says she’s looked behind every firewall, every proxy server at Jabot, which sounds illegal, and their business is healthy.  Jack’s net worth and the company value are at an all time high, which is pretty spectacular considering no one is ever there, except for Ashley’s lab trio.  “Well, I’llbedamned.  Good for Jack.” WHAT?  Vicky’s like wth is going on?  First he undermines her efforts to relaunch B’n’S, and now he wants her to find a nonexistent Achilles heel to take over Jabot?  Why is he doing this?  “The pendulum always swings, my baby.”  Victoria smirks.  What does that mean?  Who knows, but it sounded cool to say.  But Victor thinks things have a way of changing.

 

Oblivious Jack rubs Phyllis’ feet and suggests they talk about the wedding.  Phyllis doubts even a dozen people would want to attend her wedding.  She thinks his talk of a real “family affair” wedding sounds incestuous to her.  Well, ruling out incestuousness really limits your options around there.  Jack says what about a private plane and an island, then?   Elope???  Yes, yes, yes!!

 

Mariah and Kevin continue flirting and discussing his Robin Hood philosophy.  “Taking from the bad guys, and giving to the…slightly less bad guys?” asks Mariah.  Well, the more DESERVING slightly less bad guys.  Works for her.  He’s a fun person to get in trouble with.  They move in for a kiss….and Sharon bursts in the door again, dangit.  She’s obviously flustered and surprised to see Mariah.  “Since you kicked me out,” she reminds her.  Sharon says she didn’t, and is so visibly upset that Kevin remembers someplace he has to be that…isn’t in there. 

 

Mariah tells Sharon she doesn’t have to be upset about the living arrangements, it’s actually working out great with Kevin.  “I do miss talking to you, though…”  “Oh, Mariah,” says Sharon, suddenly embracing her.  Mariah pretends she didn’t miss the hugs so much.  Sharon is SO sorry, and she’s missed her so much!  So what’s going on?  “I’ve done something terrible…something I can’t undo,” Sharon says solemnly.  <Peach whispers rampage>

 

Sharon explains that she did the interview with Austin to help him out, as something nice to do for Summer.  “What part of your brain made you think that slamming Nick would help you score points with his daughter?”  That wasn’t the plan.  Austin just kept pushing and pushing her for dirt on the Newmans.  And she was so pissed about the custody case, she may have, um, made harsh comments about ALL of their stank asses.  Comments that could be used against them…and her.  Mariah says Austin could have used that to hurt her chances of getting custody of Faith.  Yes, nods Sharon.  So…exposing the NEWMANS would make SHARON lose custody?  This show.

 

Well, Kyle’s not much of a hacker, so the Scoobies are going to need Kevin to open these files.  Noah thinks they should just forget about his mom’s interview and work on actually FINDING the killer.  Ha.  Even if Sharon DIDN’T kill Austin, Summer isn’t going to let her get away with spreading [truth] lies about the rest of the child stealing Newmans, “lies” that no one can even hear or see.  Noah asks if she’s going to tell Dad.  She doesn’t KNOW what she’s going to do [YES!!] until she sees Sharon’s interview!  Kevin comes in, and Summer demands he open those files.  Noah’s angry about the whole thing, but Kyle also thinks this interview could have cost her the most important thing in the world..Faith. 

 

Look out, Summer has an idea.  If Sharon had second thoughts about what she said to Austin, then what if SHE came to the cabin on Valentine’s Day, in a snowstorm, to confront him in front of a large group of people including her children and the person who hates her most.  What if THAT’S what happened, and something went wrong?  Seriously, I mean, I can’t think of a better way to confront someone about a secret.  You'd think Kyle might have noticed Sharon lurking around while he was lurking around.

 

Jack and Phyllis debate weddings and marriage some more. He says Phyllis is just afraid of her happiness being taken away.  She DESERVES some happiness, and dammit, Jack is gonna GET IT for her!  Then Paul calls and delivers the shocking news that Kelly got away from the Abu Dhabi police!   Damn, she's crafty.  GASP!  She’s FREE?!  And partying in Dubai?!

 

Victoria scolds Victor because they’ve finally reached a state of peace in their family, and now he wants to stir things up.  Sweetheart, when Victor sees a business opportunity, he POUNCES.   But she’s trying to coparent with Billy, and he’s putting Abby and Summer in the middle, too!  “I will not cause any trouble,” he says.   Scout’s honor.  So he won’t fight Jack for Jabot?  “I won’t have to.  He will come around to my way of thinking,” smirks Victor.  It all starts with not wearing ties.

 

Abby worries in the lab.  Stitch thought she’d more excited about Hex after all the work she’s put into it.  She just hates that he’s lying to Victoria again because of her.  Stitch thinks it’s better she doesn’t know Austin was murdered, especially if Victor was involved.  Abby thinks it’s ridiculous that Victor would hurt HER like that.  Stitch considers that maybe it went wrong and someone got carried away.  Abby says her attacker also murdered Austin, and her dad would NOT hire someone to kill Summer’s husband.  What if that got botched, too?   Stitch says the fewer people that know about this, the better.  Abby’s bummed.  It’s bad enough she hurt Summer, now she’s dragged Stitch into this, too.  Stitch talks comfortingly to her, and Ashley notices from her office!

 

Sharon wishes she had never agreed to meet Austin.  She didn’t think he’d trick her into saying things she’d regret.  Mariah says Austin fooled all of them.  Sharon tried to explain to Austin what it would to Faith if she heard Sharon saying all that stuff. 

 

FAKE FLASHBACK!  Sharon yells at Austin in the cottage.  “I stood up for YOU when you needed someone!  Now I’m asking you to do the same for me!”  Oops, too bad.  This project’s too important for Austin to care about that.  “PLEASE, Austin.  Don’t give Faith reason to hate me more.”  Austin smirks with his evil little dimples.  Sorrynotsorry Sharon, he can’t cut the material she gave him.  She’s the best part of the damn show, of course.  Sharon asks how he could DO this to her?  Hey, man, he didn’t force her to say anything.  She was more than happy to blast Nick when the cameras were rolling.  She’s gonna have to live with that.

 

Sharon tells Mariah she was furious.  HOW furious?  “I would have done anything to get him to erase that footage.”

 

Stitch tells Abby they will tell Vicky everything eventually, but in the meantime he and Vicky just want to keep her safe.  Stitch needs to learn how to comfort without being so handsy, because out marches Ashley, to see what’s going on.  Abby has to do marketing stuff, so get to it.  Stitch offers to walk her wherever, but Ashley wants him to STAY and talk about a MEN’S fragrance for Hex, because the first version isn’t actionable enough.  He doesn’t think Abby should be ALONE, but she curtly reminds him they’re paying a guy to guard her so it’s fine. 

 

FLASHBACK!  Ashley remembers telling Stitch he’s hired, and Abby freaking right straight out about it.  Abby sends Stitch away so she can argue with Ash about they can’t trust a liar like Stitch.  Ashley scoffs and also thinks this might keep Stitch from pursuing Victoria which could lead to Billy and Victoria reuniting.   Abby asks if she wants the guy for herself?

 

FLASHBACK!  Shower sex!  Then she’s telling Stitch they both agree it was one time thing, best forgotten.  Obviously, Stitch would never mention this to anyone.

 

Present day Abby folds her arms and looks at Stitch.  “Are you sleeping with my daughter?” 

 

Victoria worriedly peruses the Jabot file some more.  “Dad, please don’t screw things up for my family,” she says to herself.

 

Jack comforts Phyllis and says Kelly is far away.  “She’d have to be crazy to come back to Genoa City.”  Can you imagine the jet lag? 

 

Victor shows up the door.  What do YOU want, Victor?  He chuckles.  “What do I want?   I remember saving your ass a few days ago.  I think the least you can do is invite me in.”  FINE.  Maybe he can at least tell them where Kelly Andrews is so the police can go pick her up.  He already told them he doesn’t know anything about Kelly.  He came with a proposal for Jack.  “I want to buy Jabot.”  Even though he just sold Chancellor because he was going broke.

 

Stitch is like, did you REALLY just ask me if I’m sleeping with Abby?  Yep.  Ashley is very concerned about her.  She’s very vulnerable right now, and it wouldn’t be the first time he did something "impulsive" while drunk and taken advantage of.  Stitch is pissed!  He’s NOT sleeping with ABBY!  Okay, then what’s all the huddling about?  Because Victoria WANTS HIM TO.  Ashley calls him out on not being able to STAND Abby before today, so why is he suddenly her protector?  He misjudged her, that’s all.  She’s a good person covering up a murder, and he doesn’t want to see anything bad happen to her.

 

Noah’s had enough of Summer accusing his mother of murdering Austin.  Summer says his mother is sick and capable of destruction when she’s off her medication.  Noah doesn’t think she’s capable of murder.  How would Noah know?  Because for one thing, she was with FAITH that night, and they were trying to find a place that was safe and warm.  “And maybe she was on her way back from the cabin when she crashed her car.”  Noah rolls his eyes.  IKR?  And I guess Faith slept through an entire trip to the Abbott cabin, including a confrontation, murder, waiting for everyone to wake up and drag the body outside, so she could haul it away and put it in another car and fake an accident without Kyle seeing anything.  Then she ran off the road right next to her house.

 

Mariah brings Sharon some medicinal calming tea composed mostly of scotch.  Now tell her what she meant when she said she would do ANYTHING to get Austin to delete that footage.  Hey, remember when Mariah wouldn't tell the littlest fib for you in court?  Didn't think so.

 

FAKE FLASHBACK!  Sharon waves her  checkbook at Austin.  Okay, how much??  Austin narrows his eyes.  “You people are all the same!  You think everything’s for sale.  It’s NOT.  I’m not deleting anything, no matter how much you offer me!”  Sharon signed a release that’s legal and binding, and he’s not letting her out of it.  Well, that was dumb, Sharon.  Her interview is going to be the CENTERPIECE of his documentary!  Sharon IS very entertaining.  He turns to leave and she grabs his arm!  Then do it for Summer!!  Obviously Austin hates Summer.  He says his wife has two very powerful families looking out for her, so he’s looking out for himself.  “YOU SELFISH BASTARD!!” shouts Sharon.  Austin glares.

 

Sharon says she could NOT believe he was willing to throw Sharon’s life away for his stupid film!  “I was so furious I could have…”  Could have what??  Bent space and time to get rid of him, apparently.

 

http://static.tumblr.com/9rtfac8/8t3m8p546/rampage.gif

 

Why in God’s name would Jack sell Jabot to Victor?  Think about it, they’ve built two powerful, independent companies.  If they joined together, they would be THE powerhouse in the corporate world.  Jack doesn’t need to throw in with Victor when Jabot’s the most successful it’s ever been.  And if he WERE looking for a partner, Victor would be the last person he would trust.  That’s what Victor imagined, but if Jack changes his mind… Um, no.  “And by the way, Phyllis…you’re looking damngood!  I guess getting rid of all those legal problems has done very well for you.  You both have a very nice evening,” he says, winking.  Lol  He walks out smirking.  “Well, that was incredibly weird,” says Phyllis.  “Yeah,” worries Jack.  “He’s setting me up for something…but what?”  Cable knit sweaters.  It’s going to be horrible.

 

Edited for spacing

Edited March 27, 2015 by peach

[NinjaPenguins]

 

Austin’s fucking dead, and the police don’t even care.

How dare you! Paul is very busy investigating suicides in Abu Dhabi and trying to get a line on a man-sized bug zapper.

[peach]

Tue, Mar 24   Where's Your Hate?

 

Paul moons over a photo of Christine in his office.  She walks in and complains that even with Neil’s full confession there are still problems with the case.  What, that the VICTIM is prosecuting it?  Chris says the judge will throw out the whole case if Nikki and Victor get their way! 

 

Victor and Nikki are at the station with Neil, where Victor offers him an attorney, but Neil says that won’t be necessary.  This is Neil’s world and Nikki was just driving in it.  Victor says if he changes his mind, just call him.  Neil leaves, and Victor tells Nikki to LET Neil take responsibility for himself.

 

Paul comes out and apologizes to Nikki for being so quick to think she’d intentionally hurt Chris.  Chris snorts.  WHY is he apologizing for this lying liar who covered for the man who cost them their baby?!  She’s charging Nikki with obstruction!  She’s gonna pay for what she did!  Victor will not allow a witch hunt!  HE WILL NOT ALLOW IT!  He will have his lawyers throw out the charges, IS THAT CLEAR?!  Chris fumes.  Nobody will ever let her prosecute anybody!!

 

Lily and Devon are at the club discussing Neil making bail.   She couldn’t be there since she has to do all the work now that Cane ran away to Chancellor, and Kelly ran away to the Arabian desert.  She notices Hilary hovering in the background.  “Ugh, the cockroach is here.”  Hilary pretends to be super nasty about Neil being a baby killing drunk, and she sure hopes they found a dream team of lawyers to get him out THIS one.  They bicker about Hilary not wanting anything to affect her divorce settlement. 

 

Lauren is trying to sexy surprise Michael in his office, and accidentally surprises Cane instead.  Now they’re both surprised.   Comedic  embarrassment!  Poor Cane, he remembers sexy surprises.  It’s all over now that Hilary and Devon ruined everything.  Lauren says that isn’t true.  Blah blah.  Cane kindly sympathizes with Lauren about coping with spouse cancer, which she could really use about now.  She tears up, and Michael walks in and accuses them of sadness.   They were just passing time, but she’ll excuse them to talk business for a minute.  Cane wants Michael to look at his contract and find out if he’s locked into being Number Two at Chancellor, or if he can take over the company for himself from his pseudo mom.

 

Phyllis tells Jack she has a bad, bad feeling about Kelly running loose.  She’s capable of anything.   Trust JACK.  The last thing Kelly wants is to go to prison.  Phyllis says a woman like that doesn’t just give up and walk away, and neither does Victor.  He’s after something, and they’re working together.  They need to be ready for them!  Jack is doubtful, and says Kelly’s in no shape to follow Victor’s orders.  Phyllis didn’t hear her pathetic voice that he fell for.  He’s got private investigators trying to track her down…before she hurts herself.

 

Neil shows back up to talk to Chris and Paul alone, without an attorney present.  Good idea.  But Chris doesn’t care how much he talks, he’s up against criminal charges, plus she’s going to file a civil suit against Neil AND Nikki for everything they’re worth!!  It’s only fair after what they took from her!  Hilary has crept around the corner and is listening. 

 

Lily and Devon worry Neil won’t even fight for himself right now, with all his guilt.  Devon knows someone who will, but Neil won’t like it.

 

Hey, it's GHOST JOHN!!  Long time, no see!  He visits sad sack Jack.  Jack and Ghost Dad discuss the whole Phyllis-Kelly fiasco.  Jack feels super guilty for causing her downfall, and he wants to help Kelly before it’s too late!

 

Phyllis shows up at the ranch and asks Victor why the hell he offered to buy Jabot?  For profit!  Jabot’s doing so great he wants to acquire it.  Phyllis says Jack will never give up Jabot, not after it took him years to get it back after going public.  Victor says that’s JackAbbott’s fault, for taking that company public against John’s wishes!  He nearly killed John!  NO, Phyllis says what nearly killed him was Victor buying enough shares to take control.  Why would he do that to a man he respected?  Hey, man, business is business.  But John was ten times the man that Jack will ever be! 

 

Phyllis accuses Victor of hating Jack for not “measuring up” and she wonders why he even bothered to save his life in the building collapse.  Just so he could annihilate him himself?!  Most likely.  Nikki tells Phyllis to shut it after Victor gave her a place to live and helped her out when she was pissed at Jack her own damn self.  “How do you have the audacity to come here and give me a lecture?” says Victor.  He knows she’s overwrought from the enormous stress of the past few years, but he saved her damnlife!  Well, that’s why SHE is so damnangry that he’s trying to take it away from her now!  He was supposed to be working with Jack to lock up Kelly Andrews, and now he’s set her loose?!  She bets he knows where Kelly is right now.  He DOES!

 

Cane explains to Michael that he only accepted the Number Two job because Colin was blackmailing him over Devon and Hilary.  Now that the secret’s out, he doesn’t want to stick to that bullshit.  Michael asks if Cane forgot that Jill is his SISTER-IN-LAW?  No, but the thing is, Cane likes being Number One.  He likes it a lot, and he has a lot of ambition. Oh, well why didn’t he just say so?  Also, Cane likes Chancellor a lot, too.  And he doesn’t think Jill can handle running Chancellor AND a dress shop at the same time.   Fenmore’s pulls her away from Chancellor, and the employees are all rudderless these days, running to poor, little, powerless Number Two Cane.

 

If that’s the problem, Michael says Lauren can run Fenmore’s by herself like she used to.  Come now, Michael, not with this disease you have.  Jill wants to take the burden off Lauren right now, so just turn Chancellor over to Cane to help everybody out.  Uh-oh, you really stepped in it now, Cane.  “This disease?” sneers Michael.

 

Neil isn’t surprised Chris wants to file a suit.  He gives her a super sincere apology for what he’s done, hoping he can give her some sense of closure.  Paul appreciates it, but Christine will never ever forgive him.  She introduces the Barnaby the ADA who will be nailing his ass to the wall for her.  Okay, then.  (BARNABY??)

 

Neil leaves, and Hilary catches him in the hallway where she was listening.   She tries to convince him she can help keep him from getting convicted.  She can testify that he’s just taking the fall for Nikki because he said he has nothing to live for since she ruined his life.  He thinks she just wants to protect her divorce settlement.  Neil says it’s almost worth losing every cent he’s got to make sure SHE ends up with nothing, zero, zilch!  Almost.

 

Michael sarcastically shreds Cane for daring to mention MICHAEL’S cancer.  MICHAEL’S cancer is none of Cane’s business.  Just because LILY had cancer doesn’t mean they’re going to chat about MICHAEL’S cancer.  It’s MICHAEL’S.  Cane apologizes for offending him, since he just wanted to [manipulate] help. Michael apologizes for his radiation induced crankiness, and Cane leaves.

 

Jack tells Ghost Dad that if Kelly hurts herself, everyone will think she just self-destructed, but he will know he helped cause it.  Ghost Dad disappears. 

 

Victor tells Phyllis that Kelly Andrews is DEAD.  She killed herself, and of course, Victor would be the first one in the loop on that.  Phyllis wants proof. 

 

The ADA tells Chris that Neil gave a full confession without an attorney present, which makes this the easiest case he ever had.  He leaves, and Chris says he’s the best and is going to destroy Neil.  “Wasn’t one life enough?” asks Paul.  All this hate and rage won’t bring their baby back.  “Where’s YOUR hate?  Where’s YOUR rage?!” demands Chris.  Maybe Paul doesn’t care because he already HAS children so this one is no big deal.  Paul’s like, oof!  He wanted this baby because it was HERS!  He’s super grateful he got a second chance to be with her, and he cries about how happy he was about the baby.  So DO NOT tell him their daughter meant less to him.  Chris breaks down and tells him she can’t have any more children because of the accident.  They cry.

 

Lauren comes back to Michael’s office to flirt and be sexy, but Michael treats her like crap again, and says he can’t pretend anymore.   He says he’s tried, but he just can’t do it.  Remember all those times Michael tried to be positive and rational?  Me neither.  He leaves Lauren in his office so he can go wallow in self-pity and bitterness somewhere.

 

Neil gets to the club, and Lily introduces his mystery attorney.  IT’S LESLIE!!!  YAY!  The only person with a brain is back!  She took a job with Legal Aid instead of the ADA’s office, but she left straightaway to help him out.  Well, Neil can handle things himself, thanks.  Leslie points out that 2nd degree reckless homicide carries 25 years in prison, so have a seat, buddy.

 

Cane figures if he can’t use cancer to get his company back, it could at least get him his bed back.  He schmoozes Lily about how her cancer makes him just watch her sleep and breathe, so can he come back in the bedroom already?

 

Nikki demands to know what Victor really has up his sleeve concerning Jabot.

 

Phyllis comes home and she’s really sorry about the news she has for Jack.  He was right to be worried about Kelly.  And here's a picture of her in a big, manila envelope.  He grabs the envelope and pulls out a black and white photo from the county morgue of cold, dead Kelly.  Abu Dhabi county?  Jack is stunned, and Phyllis tries not to gloat too much.

 

Leslie tells Neil to forget about all his relationship drama and decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life in a cold, cramped cell.  Devon lectures him about Moses and the grandkids.  Let this woman fight for him like no one else will!  OKAY.  He’ll do it for his children, but NOT FOR DEVON. 

 

Hilary sees ADA Barnaby at Crimson Lights and decides to use her evil vixen powers for “good.”  She pretends to bump into him and then turrrrns on the charm.  Barnaby digs it.  A lot.

 

Phyllis tells Jack he did nothing wrong.   It’s not his fault.  She offers to leave him alone, and goes upstairs, while poor, crushed Jack looks into the distance with tears in his eyes.  Aw man, sad Jack is giving me feelz. 

 

Victor tells Nikki, ”There will come a day when JackAbbott will come to me for help…and I’ll give it to him.  In exchange for everything he owns.”  Sounds fair.