Explain it to Me Like I'm Lily: Recaps for the Disenchanted

[glowlights]

 I don't see the purpose of so many on the show. Lily? Cane? Devon? Neil? Dough face Avery? Dullan?

 

Agreed, though I don't mind Avery (UO, incoming!). It's just that Cricket was specifically brought back from soap opera limbo, and for what? And because of her they gave Paul more of a storyline, for what? Blathery scenes about nothing. It's all so pointless.

 

ETA if I had use for soap recaps I would hire peach in a heartbeat. Totally mean it. This is some pro level snark.

Edited October 2, 2014 by glowlights

[peach]

Tue, Sept 30    UNICORNS!

 

So, the show’s decided to have a bit of fun with us.  Good on them.  We open in the drunk tank of the GCPD, starting with Michael, who takes off his Risky Business shades to put some ice on his black eye, then panning over to Jack with his own scuffs and bruises, Austin in the back wearing giant novelty sunglasses, scraped up Kevin rubbing his temples, Neil with his cane, I think Stitch is in there, and Nick and Noah. 

 

We get over to the women’s side where Ashley is staggering around saying, “Well, obviously THAT wasn’t part of the plan.”  “Really,” slurs Sharon, next to cracked out looking Abby, lol!  Then over to Nikki with her face smashed up against a concrete pillar, and even VICTORIA.  Summer’s passed out on messy Mariah, and disheveled Lily’s holding her oversized sunglasses next to Kelly, who’s wearing a massive sombrero and rubbing her feet.  I can’t even understand what Lily slurs about Cane.  Stitch starts shouting that Victoria’s pregnant, man, this is isn’t good for the baby, man!  You got me, show.  This is hilarious.

 

“Neil,” says Michael, “the things you get me into.”  Neil says, “Right back at you, counselor.”  I guess blind guys can really stir up some shit.  Devon laughs and says, “If you could have seen the guy’s face.”  Neil says no, no, no, he can picture his face just fine!  Harding shows up to laugh at all of them.  Kevin stumbles over to the bars, and Harding asks Fish if he’s showing all the first-timers how to behave in prison.  Everyone is begging and wailing to get out, but Harding laughs more and tells them no bail hearings til morning, so they are ALL stuck with each other.   Sharon and Nick lean against each other through the bars and grin like fools because love.

 

SIX HOURS EARLIER:  Repeat of Nick going out on the porch to get abducted with a hood over his head.  I’m pretty sure it was daylight the first time it happened, but now it’s night.   And no, it wasn’t the Alien Queen stealing a mate, after all.  Sharon comes downstairs in her white bikini, calling Ni-ick, but he’s being unhooded in the back of a van by Noah, Neil, Kevin, Austin, Devon, and Michael, because this is Nick’s bachelor party!  Who’s driving this heisted Jabot van?  Jack.  He’s still wearing a suit, because Jack never dresses down, but who better to lead this mission for a guy who’s shared two of his wives and stole his daughter for 18 years.  Let the hijinks begin!

 

Ashley’s been talking about perfume chemistry for so long that Stitch has started zoning out.  He apologizes and says the GCAC is too distracting, but I think he means boring.  They need to think out of the box, and he knows just the place. 

 

Lily comes prancing over to Cane in the bar.  She got some JUICY gossip from housekeeping that Devon claimed a room, and it WASN’T a business meeting, hubba hubba.  Cane immediately says it doesn’t mean anything.  Lily’s like, what?  This is GREAT!  Devon needs something to smile about, Lily just wishes she knew who it was.  Cane’s like, OH, LOOK, it’s a text from the babysitter, blah blah! 

 

Sharon hears a knock and thinks Nick must be back, so she throws open the door in her bikini.  “SURPRISE!!!”  It’s Victoria, Abby, and Summer!  They tell her Nick’s in good hands, and now she is, too.  Abby says to go put on something cute, because it’s time for her bachelorette party!!!  WOO HOOO!!!  They all run upstairs, and Phyllis IS out there, peeking ominously through the windows.  Eek.

 

The perfume van arrives at…a football field.  They pull out coolers and chairs.  Noah says they’re going to relive the epic love story of Nick and Sharon.  Neil says the field smells like Chancellor Park on his wedding day, minus the hot dogs, and he’ll never forget how gorgeous she looked.  “She still is,” says Devon, sort of petulantly.  Right, BUT HE CAN’T SEE HER NOW, DEVON.  Geez.  Neil says she’s beautiful on the outside AND IN HER SOUL, you soul-stealer, Devon.  Devon seems to be imagining bashing in Neil’s skull.

 

Noah starts throwing beers around, courtesy of The Underground storeroom.  Nick’s like, so I’m PAYING for my surprise bachelor party?  But everyone says thank you, and of course Nick doesn’t mind.  Kevin offers Austin a beer, and he hesitates and looks at Jack.  He’s like whattaya looking at me for?  Drink up.  Austin says soda’s fine, too.  Maybe he’s a Mormon?  Kevin is like what in the ever loving hell?  You need permission from your father-in-law?  He keeps laughing at the NERD.  Neil jokes and asks for some ID, as long as it’s in BRAILLE.  He is totally coping with his blindness now, y’all.  Noah gets sappy about when his parents met back in high school, and there is a copious amount of light-hearted dude bro banter. 

 

Sharon’s surprise party is on the rooftop deck where they meet up with Lily, Kelly, Mariah, and Nikki.  Mariah and Abby spend a lot of time rolling their eyes at each other.  Lily and Kelly serve Cosmos, and Nikki’s about to come out of her skin.  Oh noes!  It’s thundering!  A storm is coming, and all the private dining rooms are booked!  Summer says they can’t give up.  Sharon knows a place!  Let’s go!

 

Phyllis doesn’t waste any time finding Sharon’s key-under-the-rock.  Even Phyllis rolls her eyes at this, even though that's how she gets into her own house.  Victor’s henchmen aren’t around either, naturally.  She lets herself into the cottage.

 

Cane shows up at the bachelor party.  Nick talks about being young and then admires the stalker/kidnapper/cop shooter Austin for his amazing work ethic and integrity and wanting to earn his own way in the world.  Jack says it helps to get the door open first.  Austin says his wife deserves a husband who isn’t an idiot, because two idiots would just be a disaster.  You can’t tell old stories in GC without it getting awkward, and people gush about how great Nick raised his kids, while Jack tries to be cool about it.  The worst thing is he can’t even drink a beer to deal with this bullshit, and man, does he want to.

 

Blah blah blah.  They joke about Nick working off and on at Newman, mostly off.   Boy, does everyone understand THAT.   Austin’s like, wait, so everyone here has worked at Newman?  “Actually,” says Jack, “some of us have OWNED it.”    Then he tells Aus about Restless Style, the magazine he and Nick started with their wives, and then Nick bought him out and ran it with Phyllis.   Nick’s winces.  Austin says, “Wait, when you say wives, is that when you were married to Phyllis?”  Jack stares at Nick, who says it was, uh, complicated.   To say the least, says Jack.  Uh-oh, now it’s thundering at the football field.

 

The ladies have arrived at one of Nikki’s favorite secret dive bars.  Summer has to get her hand stamped for being underage.  Lily is totally grossed out.  I’m waiting for her to wet wipe her seat down.  Abby thinks it’s great, because she and Victoria can hover over the jukebox instead of having to chit-chat with Sharon.  Vicky tells her to slap a smile on and fake it for one night.  Their jaws both drop when they see Stitch and Ashley sitting at the bar.  And it’s even worse, TYLER is at the other end of the bar.  Victoria stares like a deer in the headlights.  Kelly teases them, and she and Abby decide they need a big, fat drink.

 

Stitch is thrilled to see Victoria and rushes over to talk to her.  “Looks like a party!” he says.  “Like your party of two,” whines Vicky.  “What, are you hoping to get a bonus?”  Stitch is like…what?

 

Mariah goes to chat up Tyler.  He asks her if she has anyone else to hang out with.  She says like my new mom and her posse?  She knows he’s heard she’s almost a Newman by marriage now, exactly the type of people they would have ripped off in the old days, “stupid, rich liars.”  Tyler’s not down with this, but Mariah reminds him he used to love her smart mouth, he used to love all of her.  She asks him to sneak a peek and see how pissed Abby is that they’re talking.  He looks, and Abby’s pissed.  He says, "you know what, I’m not part of your little games anymore.”  She says you’re also not an artist who’s going to change the face of the world, but some people change.  “And some people DON’T,” he says pointedly.  “And proud OF it,” says Mariah. Tyler shakes his head and laughs.

 

She runs into Richie the bartender.  I guess they’re both part of the Fraternal Order of Bartenders and old friends.  He’s bummed because he thinks this group means he’s gonna sell three Chardonnays and one Cosmo, and make nothing in tips.  Mariah thinks she can get this party started.

 

Lily and Kelly brought silly hats and sunglasses.  Sharon says she and Nick used to come here when they were kids, it’s the kind of place you can let your hair down and don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not.  Nikki stares.  Richie asks if they want vodka tonics all around, and Nikki is scandalized he would ASK THAT.  SHE will have a CLUB SODA.  He gives her the side eye.  Everyone else gets Cosmos and Chardonnay.  He’s like, yay.  Nikki is tense.

 

Poor, innocent Stitch insists to Victoria he and Ashley are just there talking about work.  She says it’s really none of her business.  “It CAN be!” says Stitch.  He’ll tell Ashley he’s done for the night!  Victoria just frowns and walks away.

 

Mariah forces Summer to give her fifty bucks so she can start greasing the wheels around there.  Apparently there’s a buff bouncer who will do the stripper act for Sharon.  He rips off his shirt, and they start dancing.  Even Summer and Abby think it’s funny. 

 

Austin says he understands “complicated,” like, he and Summer started out as fugitives, and um, heeey, let’s talk about baseball!  Kevin’s all drunk and says he doesn’t know Nick like everyone else does, like he’s not a son, or a stepson, or a son-in-law, and they’ve never shared any ex-wives (yet), but he wants to make a long speech anyway about all the ultimate horror and chaos of life…but Nick and Sharon are SOLID.  True love, bro, it’s huge.  They all toast TO NICK AND SHARON, who give us all a reason to live.

 

Sharon finishes her dance with stripper dude, and then Richie brings a round of drinks, courtesy of Tyler.  Mariah, wearing a pirate hat, says he’s a hero for helping liquor everybody up.  He says Mariah wears him out.  Blah blah.   Richie tries to give a drink to Summer, and Nikki snaps at him that she is underage!!  He tells her to come back when she’s older, they like a little class in this place.  Nikki says this isn’t her kind of event, and she’s going to find someone to take care of this drink.  She sneaks over by the bathroom and downs it herself while a song blares “save me from myself.”

 

Kelly gets a better jam going and tells the laaadies to start dancing.  Stitch thinks maybe he and Ashley should leave, but she thinks a break would be a creative reset.  Victoria comes up and orders a club soda, but promises she’s not eavesdropping on their secret product.  Stitch says they’re finished, and how about a dance?  Victoria acts like a spoiled child, and says no, no, but why doesn’t he dance with ASHLEY instead.  She’s like, this is just business, Victoria.  She’s like, okay, all puny, and walks away again.  Stitch grimaces.   She’s really not worth it, Stitch.

 

The girls dance.  Abby’s been drinking shots and now she’s a stumbling, loud, mean, loud drunk.  Kelly asks if she wants to pick out a song.  “OMG, are we FRIENDS now?  Omg that is SO CUTE, because maybe my Uncle Jack will marry YOU, and we can throw a party THIS FUN for YOOUU!!.”  Ashley pulls her sloppy daughter away and tries to straighten her up.  Abby says it’s gonna take more than one drink for her to pretend this isn’t a disaster of EPIC PROPORRRRTIONS!!  “I am talking about this MARRIAGE.  How many times have you been married??” she asks Sharon.  “Less see, there was Nick, Adam, MY DAD, Nick again,” she cackles.  Ashley of many marriages tries to get her to stop.

 

Nikki jumps in and says at least Abby’s not a hypocrite hiding her true feelings.  Ashley says there’s hypocrisy, and there’s having good manners.  “Then there’s being in denial,” slurs Nikki, “and she should say how she feels.” She tells Vicky she’s juss a little emotional because her son is getting married.  “YES!” says Abby, “and he will get DIVORCED.” 

 

Sharon looks embarrassed.  Mariah jumps in to defend Sharon, and tells Abby she’s just pissed because she got DUMPED, and that’s all this is about!  Mariah says tough cookies, so take her pity party home and let Sharon celebrate HOWEVER she wants!  Abby’s like, wth, you spit venom about Sharon all the time.  “You are nothing,” she slurs, “but a lying, cheating…”  Mariah folds her arms and says, “You have TWO options:  SHUT the hell up, or GO home.”  Just then, the door opens, and the dude bro bachelor party comes spilling in to THE SAME BAR.  It’s the perfect storm.

 

We must interrupt the fun to see Phyllis skulking around Sharon’s house, looking at HER family photos.  She does not approve.  She sits down at the desk and prepares to write Nick a note, because why tell him anything of life altering importance in person.  “Nick,” she writes.  Wow, she has beautiful penmanship.  Doggoneit, the pen doesn’t write anymore.  Don’t you hate that?  She flings it on the floor, and starts digging around for another pen, when she finds…THE TRAFFIC TICKET.  Omg…SHARON RAN A RED LIGHT!!!  She stares at it…and the date must bring back the horrible memory of Creamy Nude!  She gasps and puts her hand over her mouth!  She gasps some more!

 

Nick and Sharon can’t believe they ended up in the same bar.  The alcohol is flowing.  The dancing is picking up.   Stitch mopes at the bar, and Ashley finally gets him to dance.  Wasted Abby dances with Richie and glares at Tyler, until he finally agrees to dance with Mariah.  Cane and Lily are sucking each other’s faces off.  Abby can barely walk anymore.  Jack goes to sit with Nikki, hoping for a sober companion as he laments having to watch everyone get loopy and know they can never do that again.  Nikki tries to play it cool while going hilariously cross-eyed.  Nick challenges Jack to some darts.

 

Mariah’s having a blast.  Kevin asks her if she’s done having lap dances with “Turk Thrust?”  She says his name is STEVE.

 

Nick tries to banter with sober Jack who is trying to hold back his resentment.  Nick asks if he hopes Kelly catches Sharon’s bouquet?  “Summer has gained a father and lost a mother in the last year.  I don’t think a new stepmother is in her best interest,” he chides.  Nick’s like, Summer seems pretty happy, and is doing well with Mariah.  Summer’s awesome even though she was lied to most of her life by the man who raised her, says Nick.  Jack says maybe that’s what Summer and Mariah have in common.  Nick’s like, wait, what?  Jack is supposed to tell him it’s okay, not agree with him.

 

Sloppy Michael is bombed and getting another shot at the bar, when a dude asks if he’s Michael Baldwin.  Yesss.  POW! He slugs Michael, knocking him to the floor!  Whoah!  Everyone gets involved.  “That jackass put me in jail when he was D.A.” says the dude who’s probably going to jail again for assault. 

 

“HEY!” shouts Neil.  “Why you gotta be so rude to my friend, didn’t your momma teach you any good manners?”  The dude starts laughing, and says to Nick, ‘You telling me your wingman is a blind guy?”  Neil’s like what did you just call me??  “You’re a blind guy,” he taunts, pushing his chest.  “You’re a funny dude,” says Neil, honing in on the exact location of his mouth.  “I might be blind…” POW!  He decks the guy!  “How’s THAT for you?!” shouts Neil.

 

All hell breaks loose!  Lily goes straight up ghetto and starts beating the SHIT out of the dude’s buddy with her purse!  Cane is picking her up off the ground while she kicks and screams. The first dude breaks a bottle over Nick’s head so he and Stitch start pounding on HIM, then Sharon jumps on the other guy’s back, lmao!  Nikki runs away.  She’s not half the mom Sarah Palin is.  This is Abby’s opportunity, so she launches herself at MARIAH, and they start tearing each other’s hair out.  There’s a lot of screaming.  Sharon’s still riding around the guy’s back like a bullrider and laughing her ass off.  Nick grins at her.

 

We fade back in to the drunk tank where Nick and Sharon are still grinning.  The bar fight is a metaphor, you guys.  “With all the chaos and turmoil that is life, we’re still together,” says Nick.  Noah says they are SO CRAZY IN LOVE, not even jail can snap them out of it.  Mariah flicks sleeping Summer’s nose and looks away.  Malibu Cop Courtney visits the jailbirds and says the bar owner is pressing charges and bail hasn’t been set yet.  <Sigh>  She leaves.

 

Michael says this was the best bachelor party he’s ever been to.  Neil makes a speech about how they’ve brought everyone together, blah blah.  “Sharon is THE defining love of your life,” says Jack.  “That and the love for your kids..Cassie, Noah, Faith….Summer.”  Nick starts to protest, but Jack is like it’s all good bro.  “I wish you joy.”

 

Kelly blathers how seeing their love is so adorable and powerful, and it’s so reassuring to know that it exists, you guys.  “Like unicorns,” says Mariah.  “That’s it,” says Kevin, “you two are like unicorns.”  Five year old Summer is moved by this display of sarcasm.  “It’s true.  Your love is almost mythical, but it’s not, it’s REAL, and it’s beautiful, and we’re all really, really happy for you.”  Noah stands up and starts clapping.  “UNICORNS!”  They get a standing ovation. These people are super drunk.   A meteor storm of anvils crashes into the police station and kills them all.

 

Phyllis stares at the evil traffic ticket some more, and then stares at a unicorn family photo.

 

To give credit where it’s due, Billy Abbott IS actually good at a couple of things.  One is acting like a proper privileged, rich person, and the other is being a pest.  Harding announces that Billy woke up the judge and paid everyone’s bail.  Yaaay, they can all go home.  Summer tells Mariah she’ll see her at the wedding.  “You know, it MIGHT actually be fun.”  “And it might also be like the black plague,” says Mariah.

 

Scuffed up Tyler says Mariah is really fitting in.  “These are your people now, Mariah.”  Abby walks by and elbows her hard enough to nearly knock her down.  “Not all of them,” says Mariah.  Stitch offers to drop pitiful Victoria off.  She says she has to make sure her mom’s okay.  He says he’ll drop them BOTH off, but Vicky says no, they’ll be okay on their own.  Waah.  She leaves.  Stitch is bummed.  Sharon and Nick smile at each other through the bars and then go home.

 

At her front door, they agree the night was amazing and awe-inspiring.  Nick wants to sleep at the tack house so they don’t jinx the big wedding.   She opens the door, and he has to grab her and make out some more on the porch.  A gust of wind blows through, and sweeps the note on the floor!  I guess this is a big deal, but it still just says “Nick.”  Hopefully Phyllis isn’t under the desk.

[Blueeyes]

 

Neil says the field smells like Chancellor Park on his wedding day, minus the hot dogs, and he’ll never forget how gorgeous she looked.  “She still is,” says Devon, sort of petulantly.  Right, BUT HE CAN’T SEE HER NOW, DEVON.  Geez.  Neil says she’s beautiful on the outside AND IN HER SOUL, you soul-stealer, Devon.  Devon seems to be imagining bashing in Neil’s skull.

OMG, this is hilarious!!  I'm laughing so hard I can't see!! 

[Joimiaroxeu]

Lily goes straight up ghetto and starts beating the SHIT out of the dude’s buddy with her purse! 

Nah, Lily couldn't go ghetto if someone drove her there and dropped her off. At best she'll go straight up shopping mall, probably the Louis Vuitton store because it reminds her of Paris.

 

Noah stands up and starts clapping.  “UNICORNS!”

I just couldn't stop laughing during that whole unicorn conversation. I guess the MWTs have never checked Urban Dictionary for what that word means in certain circles. Or maybe the upper crust of GC is kinkier that anyone realized...

[glowlights]

I just couldn't stop laughing during that whole unicorn conversation. I guess the MWTs have never checked Urban Dictionary for what that word means in certain circles. Or maybe the upper crust of GC is kinkier that anyone realized...

 

I feel so much better knowing I wasn't the only one...

[peacheslatour]

 

Nikki says this isn’t her kind of event, and she’s going to find someone to take care of this drink.  She sneaks over by the bathroom and downs it herself while a song blares “save me from myself.”

I loved the way Nikki ripped the drink out of Summer's hand and stormed off to "take care of it"  nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

[Desperately Random]

I just couldn't stop laughing during that whole unicorn conversation. I guess the MWTs have never checked Urban Dictionary for what that word means in certain circles. Or maybe the upper crust of GC is kinkier that anyone realized...

Ok, so of course I have to make the mistake of looking that up and ......Oh no. I didn't need to know that. Unicorns are ruined for me now. Bummer.

Edited October 2, 2014 by Desperately Random

[boes]

I just couldn't stop laughing during that whole unicorn conversation. I guess the MWTs have never checked Urban Dictionary for what that word means in certain circles. Or maybe the upper crust of GC is kinkier that anyone realized...

 

That could only make these people more interesting.  

 

Now imagine Victor as a unicorn......and Neil.......and particularly, Devon.  YUP, I can see it!

[Petunia13]

Creamy noooooood!

[peach]

Wed, Oct 1   The Hangover

 

Michael is sitting in the club for breakfast, and he is hurting.  Lauren joins him.  He wants to get a suite and just stay in bed all day, but she insists that he’s going to his doctor appointment today.   Nothing like a getting a general checkup when you’re hungover as hell.  All of a sudden, Fen surprises them!  He looks like he’s impersonating Adam Levine.

 

Nick lounges on the couch and looks at the paparazzi shots of them in jail.  "BACHELOR PARTY BUST."  Mariah probably sold them.  Nick and Sharon still think it’s all hilarious.  Summer, Austin, and Noah come tip-toeing in with headaches and birthday presents for Faith.  Noah says he CANNOT handle any loud noises.  Faith comes in squealing “Here I am!” at the frequency of bats, driving them to their knees.  They chat with Faith…and the “Nick” note THAT SAYS NOTHING is STILL ON THE FLOOR.  8-O 

 

Victor’s still hanging out in Sweden, leaving Nikki a message.  He promises he’ll be back before Nicholas gets married.  Dr. Jorgensen is surprised to see Victor lurking in his clinic.  Well, he wants his results.  The doctor says it’s a complicated pro-cess.  Really, then why can Maury Povich do it in five minutes?  “I have asked you to rush along with the testing procedure, K?  I need to know whether Faith is my son’s daughter.”  Wow, first I’ve heard of that.

 

Some smooth looking dude in an expensive suit comes into Crimson Lights, which catches Mariah’s attention.  She’s working a triple espresso, and Kevin’s needing one for his own misery.  He asks when to pick her up for the wedding, but she has to get there early because of bridesmaid stuff.  He doesn’t mind, and she tells him she hopes he doesn’t have the wrong idea about this.  It’s not a date date, okay?  Oh, yeah, he knows that.

 

Smooth dude is strolling around the coffee house on his cell phone.  He says he’s looking at the location now.  It’s great real estate, and if they can just get rid of the businesses, it will be PERFECT for their purposes.  Gasp!  Let me guess, he's Joe Clark, come to tear down Dylan's humble coffee house.  He says he has to take care of a personal matter.  He looks kind of like Superman mixed with Johnny Depp circa 20 years ago, which is to say, not bad.

 

Paul sits at his desk and looks at the tabloid pics of the Bachelor Bash.  He looks bummed.  Nobody invited him.  Harding brings handcuffed Dylan in, with Avery following.  I guess he let them wait til morning, which is more than enough time to destroy any crucial evidence. “This is ridiculous!” says Avery.  “You have to let Dylan go.”  Not until he’s questioned, Avery.   “Depending on how the questioning goes, he may not even make bail,” says uppity Harding.  Avery says DO NOT threaten her client. 

 

She says this is a waste of time.  Paul doesn’t know that and he’s playing this by the book.  Christine’s book.  “For God’s sake, Dylan is your son!”  Yeah, well he’s also a prisoner with cause.  That remains to be seen, says Avery.  “DON’T underestimate our case,” Paul tells her.  Be prepared for an arraignment.  Chris is charging Dylan with murder in the first degree.  Well, that’s not excessive.

 

Nick says they’re keeping Faith’s celebration to just them, because Grandpa’s out of town testing her paternity, and Grandma is “resting.”  She just overdid it last night.   They’ll have a really big party for Faith after the wedding.  Faith questions Austin about his interests and hobbies, and makes him say he likes dolls.  She doesn’t want to open her presents until Mariah comes.  Ummm.  But it’s getting kind of late..in the morning.  Typical, says Noah.  One thing Mariah’s good at…hurting people.  Oh, the humanity.

 

Mariah asks Kevin if he’s positively sure he didn’t think it WAS a date date?  He says of course not.  So what is it?  She just doesn’t want to stand there by herself like a loser.  Kevin says she’s not a loser.  No, she’s just a girl trying to get over the scars of being unloved by the woman she THOUGHT was her mother, and then manipulated by a psycho who drugged and married her.  That doesn’t sound pitiful at all.  Dr. Kevin asks if she enjoys taking these swipes at herself.  She says better her than everyone else.  “But deep down, do you blame yourself?”  Who else, she says.  He assures her none of this is her fault.  “If I wanted therapy, I’d take a shrink to the wedding, thank you.”  She eyes Mr. Smooth walking by.  Kevin snorts and asks why she just doesn’t take HIM to the wedding.  Mariah says she’d never do that to Kevin.

 

Fen’s your basic college student and wants to be fed as soon as possible.  He thought it would be fun to surprise them with his Adam Levine costume.  Michael looks at him.  “Are you in trouble?”  Fen just…stares.

 

Paul  COULDN’T ignore the evidence against Dylan.  “WHAT EVIDENCE?” demands Avery.  Dylan and Avery are like you can’t even prove a murder happened.  This is a huge mistake.  Harding says we’ll see about that.  HE’S interrogating him.  Not without Avery, for once.  She asks if Paul’s really going to let this happen.  “Get it done, Harding,” growls Paul. 

 

Mariah admits she’s done some awful things.  Oh, who hasn’t, says Kevin.  But she’s trying not to be that person anymore…mostly.  She wants to keep her commitments, so she’s taking Kevin to the wedding like she said.  She’s tired of getting looked at like she’s slime.  Kevin agrees that the slime eye sucks.  He says there’s also the other thing:  “You like me.”  Mariah says he’s getting ahead of himself.  They giggle and banter.  He says maybe it won’t be as bad as she thinks.  She thinks it will DEFINITELY be as bad as she thinks.  And not half as much fun as the bachelor party last night!  Kevin rubs his aching head.

 

Summer admits she had some fun at the party because of Mariah.  Sharon tries to convince Faith that Mariah’s just coming to her “official” party after the wedding.  She finally agrees to open a present.  Austin finds the Nick note and hands it to Summer.  “Looks like someone dropped this.”

 

Paul leaves Chris a message in front of a suspiciously interested no name female cop we’ve never seen before.  He says he arrested Dylan and has to alert the media soon.  “There are gonna be a lot of questions about me putting my own son behind bars, and uh, you were right.  Justice is most important, no matter what the cost.  I just hope to God I’m doing the right thing.”  What a dad.  Chris is probably lighting up a cigar right now.

 

Harding starts his questioning.  How did Ian’s blood get in the Newman driveway?  Obviously, Dylan DOESN’T KNOW.  How’d he injure his hand?   Avery says he already gave a statement about that.  Right.  Well, just tell Harding that’s the truth…unless he wants to change his story?  He clearly thinks it’s amusing that Dylan “went for a walk.”  So how can Dylan explain the coincidence of being in the vicinity of Ian’s car, etc.  Avery’s like, oh, according to your witness, JEFFEREY BARDWELL, the notorious liar?  She shoots down his shoddy witness who was drinking and gambling who THINKS he saw this decorated soldier in a parking lot.  Okay, well how can he explain how the MUDDY BOOTS match the mud on the victim’s stuff?  Probably by making it inadmissible since you didn’t have a warrant.  But they just stare.

 

Paul joins them.  Avery is pissed about this mud bullshit, and also that there’s no body.  She wants a copy of the forensics report and also the warrant to test the shoes.  He has it right there.  The judge gave it to him this morning when he showed him the other evidence, and then I guess he magically tested the boots this morning without your knowledge and got the results from the mudinator.   Avery says she should have [incinerated the boots] been present for this search, especially since it was IN HER HOUSE, and how does she know he didn’t falsify evidence?  Dumb Dylan says Paul wouldn’t do that.  She looks at him like, STFU, Dylan!   Paul’s super offended that she thinks he would falsify evidence against his own son!  “I didn’t want this.  I didn’t want ANY of this!”  But Christine will be mean to me!  He leaves.

 

Harding tells Dylan his dad covered for him, put his reputation on the line.  Well, it seems to Avery like he’s determined to pin a murder on him!  If that’s the case, then why did he keep the muddy boots a secret from his wife?  BECAUSE SHE’S ANNOYING!  Avery’s surprised.  Paul did that?  Harding says the media’s going to have a field day with this.  They’re going to challenge Paul’s integrity.  So, DO THE RIGHT THING AND CONFESS!  Confess that you murdered that guy!  Don’t put your Dad through this pain. 

 

Grandma and Grandpa got Faith a new bike!  They go outside to test it out.  Austin asks Summer if it was pretty cool getting Newman sized gifts all the time.  Summer says it was AWESOME.  Noah says, then we grew up.  Austin asks if the cool gifts stopped coming?  No, says Noah, they just start having strings attached.  “Not from Grandma,” corrects Summer.  True, it’s just Grandpa.  “And you’re not as close to him?” asks Austin.  We’ve had our issues [he’s a sociopath] recently, says Noah, but his grandkids never doubt how much they mean to him.   He’ll fly all the way to Sweden just to prove you’re not one of them.  The Nick note lays on the table ominously….  So Summer didn’t even notice Phyllis’ handwriting. This is not a very engaging clue.

 

Senile Victor tells Dr. J yet again that he flew all the way from America to find out if his son is Faith’s father.  He can tell Victor that based on Nick’s spit and Faith’s hair, they have the same blood type.  Which proves absolutely nothing.  I’m not a scientist but this is all pretty lame.  He says to test all the markers, it will take another day, maybe two, probably til the end of Friday’s episode.  “I shall wait,” announces Victor.  “I need definitive answers, K?”  Oh, goody, says Dr. J.  He should go out for drinks with Dr. Cutler.

 

Faith keeps opening gifts.  Noah’s glad she didn’t wait for you-know-who.  But she shows up, of course.  She says she wouldn’t miss Faith’s super fun birthday! “I brought your most favorite cupcake on the planet!” she sings.  Austin says she came through after all.  Mariah says she wouldn’t miss a chance to hang out with her favorite cellmates.  “What’s a cellmate?” asks Faith.  Ruh-roh.  That’s another slumber party to get banned from.  Wait til Faith discovers Google.

 

Avery tells Dylan that Harding is trying to manipulate him.  EVEN Dylan gets that.  Paul eavesdrops while Dylan says Paul’s been nothing but good to him.  He’s tried reaching out to him, blah blah.  He doesn’t want to see him hurt, he’s been hurt enough by crazy Ricky.  And the last thing he wants is to make him suffer like that again.  Plead guilty, says Harding.  Dylan says he’s innocent, and there’s no way he’s going to confess to something he didn’t do.  Avery’s like, Hallelujah!

 

Fen says he hasn’t flunked out of school.  “And you’re healthy?” asks Lauren.  “If that’s your polite way of asking if I’m on drugs, I’m not.”  Well, that’s good.  Mostly he’s just a hipster now.  He says classes were cancelled for a statewide conference so he had time for a visit.  He’s like but what about YOU? and he shows them Michael’s drunk in prison photo.  Ah ha ha!  Busted by your kid. 

 

Kevin walks up.  HEY!  He says Fen looks GREAT!  Fen’s like why are you surprised, you text me all the time.  Hmm.  He’s like how are you dealing with the whole Chloe….. whatever.  Kevin’s OVER IT.  He’s “evolving.”  Fen has to run, there’s someone he really has to see.  Lauren notices the smooth hottie suit dude at the club bar.  Kevin’s like, omg, he’s not that good-looking!  He kind of is, Kevin.

 

Noah distracts Faith with more presents.  He says Mariah has a big mouth, but SUMMER says not to get on her case.  Mariah did a good deed for Sharon last night, so maybe she’s capable of feelings after all.  Mariah’s like save your backhanded compliments, we didn’t have a girlfriend moment last night.  Nick and Sharon have mushy gushy talk.  Right next to the NOTE that DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING.

 

Harding claims to Paul that he almost got a confession out of Dylan, but Dylan backed down.  Reporters are nosing around, they will have to say something soon.  Paul says he was up all night trying to figure out what was right.  He realized he had no choice if he was going to keep living with Chris.

 

Dylan’s super glad that Avery’s his lawyer and not the prosecutor.  Still, she’s scared it won’t go well for him.  He says they’re in this together.  But only one of them is going to prison.

 

Kevin says she’s the second woman today to swoon over that guy.  Lauren says, well, he’s swoonworthy, and she defends a woman’s right to notice an attractive man.  She’s not buying Kevin's story of being “in a good place.”  He gives her his “good place” face.  She says that looks more like his “demented place” face.  He laughs.  She notices he’s still wearing his WEDDING RING, so obviously he’s not over Chloe at all.  He says it doesn’t mean anything.  Lauren says it means everything.  Blah denial blah.   Okay, okay, Lauren gives in, Kevin seems happy.

 

Austin and Mariah are getting ready for work, along with Summer who’s getting ready to watch, and they all seem to be coexisting peacefully enough because Faith.  Summer also has a present for Austin. He’s like, ugh, you already bought me a $300 tie.  Mariah’s eyes bug out.  “You spent HOW much on a piece of fabric?!  What a waste.”  Summer says she doesn’t remember asking for her opinion.  Austin’s like cool it, Mariah, not in front of Summer, yo.  Mariah’s like, uh, as far as I’m concerned, you agree with me.  He’s just saying he didn’t marry Summer for her money that paid for his lawyer and fines that kept him out of prison.  “I know that, and you know that…but her?  I don’t know how you can be with someone who doesn’t know what you really care about.”  Mariah walks away, and Summer’s super pouty mad!  “Where does she get off thinking she can talk to me like that, especially after I was just trying to be nice to her!”  Austin says not to let Mariah get to her.  Okay, Summer instantly forgets because she’s like a puppy.  Her gift to Austin is a book she saw in the toy store about living his dreams and all the things he can do.  So it’s totally that Dr. Seuss book, but they aren’t naming names.  They kiss while Mariah watches.

 

Faith says she’s still waiting for her BEST present:  Mommy and Daddy’s wedding.  Well, she’s getting that one tomorrow.  Nick and Sharon are both so excited about it too, that he suggests eloping right now and telling everyone later.  Sadly, Sharon doesn’t take him up on it, so the wedding can be properly ruined on Friday.  Sharon FINALLY sees the Nick note.  They discuss the oddness of nothing being written on it.  “I wonder who would write you a note and then not finish it,” says Sharon.  INSIDE YOUR HOUSE.  A psycho, that’s who.  Nick frowns.  He feels like he’s seen that handwriting before…  I’ve been married for 20 years and I’m sort of confident that my husband could not recognize my handwriting in a pinch.

 

Michael showed up at the doctor.  He says all is going well “with my little magic pills.”  But the doc won’t give him any more until he gets totally checked out for all the things that might cause this problem, like maybe a drinking problem that leaves you with a shiner.  Michael is tense and unhappy.  Lauren calls and leaves a message to tell him how lucky lucky lucky they are to have each other and Fen and live the life that they want.  So, Michael’s going to die.

 

Kevin stands in the lobby and looks at his wedding ring.  He finally takes it off.

 

Mariah notices the kids book and asks if she forgot to give it to Faith.  No, that was for Austin.  Mariah makes fun of a gift for a five year old.  “Where is this coming from?” whines Summer.  Probably the fact that no one ever gave believe in yourself Dr. Seuss books to Mariah even once in her life.  Summer knows they aren’t best friends, but they had a little fun last night, didn’t they?  She doesn’t know what happened.  Everyone was drunk last night, Summer, that’s why people drink.  But Mariah says, “Nothing happened,  just never claim that you know me.  Just like you don’t know that much about her,” she adds to Austin.   Summer’s mad, but then Fen walks in.  “Summer!”  “Fen!”  They hug super tight.  Austin shows us his dark side again as he looks over and thinks what the hell is a Fen?!

 

Sharon says maybe someone from the party wrote it last night, or maybe even Mariah.  “Maybe,” says Nick, thinking way more about this than I find believable.  Sharon says obviously the person didn’t think it was important, and neither does she.  She crumples it up and throws it in the TRASH.  They Shick dance.

 

Dr. Jorgensen suggests it would perfectly fine if Victor wanted to go home.  But Victor can assure him he’s not going anywhere because this is his one chance to find out the truth.  Dr. J promises he will get the DNA results the instant he has them, so he can get back to Transylvania ASAP.  Victor calls Dr. Cutler.  Is he still hanging around?!  He wants to know about Phyllis’ condition.  “She WHAT?  She left the clinic?”  What do you know, Victor, she could HEAR you two creepy weirdos the whole time!

 

Paul stands by while Harding puts Dylan in a holding cell.  They stare at each other wistfully through the bars.

 

Avery’s at home rushing around, and smooth hottie suit guy is at the door.  “Joe!” gasps Avery.  Ha!  “You look more beautiful that on the day that I married you,” he says.  She stares in shock as she realizes she left this guy for Dylan McAvoy.

[Joimiaroxeu]

He looks kind of like Superman mixed with Johnny Depp circa 20 years ago, which is to say, not bad.

If you look up the term "chiseled jaw" on Wikipedia, it shows pictures of Joe Clark. Really, it does. (Heh, I actually googled the term and Scott Elrod's photo is the second image that came up. I kid you not.)

 

Yeah, well he’s also a prisoner with cause.

So GCPD uses three words to say "suspect". Impressive.

 

Wait til Faith discovers Google.

OMG. "Noah, what's a lemonparty?" "I dunno, sweetie, why don't you go look it up on the new iPad grandma bought you? Oh. Oh wait...Faith, NOOOO!"

 

She stares in shock as she realizes she left this guy for Dylan McAvoy.

IKR?! Dylan the walking, talking block of wood must be packin', if ya know what I mean, because nothing else makes sense.

[peach]

IKR?! Dylan the walking, talking block of wood must be packin', if ya know what I mean, because nothing else makes sense.

Maybe Avery was just his beard.

[Joimiaroxeu]

Maybe Avery was just his beard.

LOL, wut? Nah, you take that back! (But maybe that's why Joe wants to meet Dylan....so he can get himself a whiff of that.)

[Gloriole33]

So Victor said "I need definitive answers."?  I thought he said "I need to filet molasses."

[movinon]

I had to snicker when Summer told Faith she remembered getting a bike just like that when she was her age.  Glaring problem is - she is her age, practically, since they were born only a little over 2 years apart.  They should be playing Barbies together, since Summer is only 8, has aged 10 years, and has a husband.   I find it all unsettling, if not a little obscene.

Edited October 3, 2014 by movinon

[peach]

Thurs, Oct 2    Peas In A Pod

 

Jack and Kelly are hanging out in the living room.  No clue where Phyllis hid herself overnight, obviously not with her daughter.  Maybe she’s nesting somewhere.  Kelly can’t find Nick and Sharon’s wedding invitation!  But the good news is, even though she has to work at the reception, she can still make the ceremony with Jack.  Actually…Jack may not be going after all.

 

Phyllis is in some budget hotel room it looks like, instead of her apartment she still owns somewhere that probably has a key under the mat.  She looks at the wedding invitation, and then gazes at herself in the mirror.  We see a fake flashback to Phyllis telling Jack, “There is nothing better than having a man you admire and respect tell you he is falling in love with you.”  Admire and respect, says Jack, is that all I get?  “You know it isn’t,” she smiles.  Does he though?  Does he know that?  She’s not leaving HIM blank notes, now is she?  Still, she half-smiles at the tender memory of not telling Jack she loves him.

 

Avery is tongue-tied at the sight of Joe/Superman!   “I know you didn’t expect to see your ex-husband show up on your doorstep.”  No…she didn’t.  He comes in.  Ooo, he’s tall, too.  She asks what he’s doing there. 

 

Paul escorts Nikki into the interrogation room where she is stunned to see Dylan!  Paul says he’s been arrested for murder.  “WHAT?!  You said he wasn’t in any trouble!”  I’m not, says Dylan earnestly.  “It’s all a hoax.”  “A hoax?”  IKR, Nikki, this is just stupid.  Paul says they’re letting Nikki in on it, because they need HER to pull it off.  Oh, great.  She’s totally stable enough for THAT.  Hmm, well, if the hoax is on Christine, then I’m good with it.  Maybe CHRISTINE did it so she could frame Dylan and get rid of him!

 

Summer GUSHES over Fen, and says she needs to introduce him!  Mariah is quite pleased to meet this new guy, and of course he’s like, WOW, you look just like--  Summer says it’s a long story.  And MORE important than a new available girl, is her husband!  Austin says it’s nice to meet him, and he’s heard a lot about him.  Fen says he HASN’T heard enough about Austin, but it’s nice to meet the guy who finally STOLE Summer’s heart, when clearly it ISN’T nice at ALL.  They narrow their eyes at each other.  If I had a screenshot of Mariah’s quizzical smirk right now, it would be my avatar. 

 

It’s Gloria!  She meets Lauren at the club and can’t wait to see Fen!  Lauren and Michael must be ecstatic!  So where is he?

 

Michael’s gotten dressed at the doctor’s office, and asks him, what’s the verdict?  The doctor stares solemnly.

 

Gloria is making some weird speech about how men have their needs, (I might have missed a few minutes because of a storm and DIRECTV) when Michael finally interrupts them.  She says Lauren didn’t tell her he was at the doctor!!  What’s wrong?  Michael’s like…great.

 

Austin and Mariah stock the bar, and she asks him what’s the deal with Summer and Fen?  Austin mopes and says you heard her, they’re just old friends, and they’ve known each other practically since they were born.  She says that explains why they’re so cozy, like two peas in a pod.  Austin looks sick.  The two peas are in a booth drinking their sodas while Summer finishes The Story Of Mariah.  Fen thinks that’s unreal. 

 

He apologizes for being too crazy busy to ever EMAIL her or anything.  I guess these kids aren’t into Instagram or Snapchat or whatever.  He tells her he’s getting A’s and, uh, dating a little, and pledging a frat, Kappa Gamma Hipster.   He says Arizona is fantastic!  She should come visit!  Summer says WE would love to!  Fen’s like, ugh, you’re a “we” now.  “It’s WILD that you’re married and all settled down.”  Summer insists being married is THE GREATEST THING EVER, and Austin treats her like a queen.  Too bad Fen won’t have time to get to know him better, because he came from Arizona to WISCONSIN for only one night.  

 

Summer’s like, you mean you’re not going to Nick and Sharon’s wedding?  Why in the hell would Fen go to their wedding?   He asks if Summer’s okay with those two getting together.  She’s fine with that, what’s weird is seeing JACK move on.  She tells him about Kelly.  Wow, Fen says, that was fast.  Summer thinks so, too, but Kelly’s nice and she’s supportive of her and Austin, so she deals with it.  She just thought Jack believed that Phyllis would come back to them one day.  Fen says he totally believes there is nothing that could keep Phyllis away from her Super Girl forever.  Oh, except hiding to surprise Nick and Sharon, that’s WAY more important.  Austin polishes glasses and pouts.

 

Phyllis stares out the window in what appears to be a pharmaceutical commercial.  She has another flashback, to Jack moving her into the Abbott manse.  SAME speech he gave Kelly about making Mrs. Martinez cook her favorite foods because she is the Lady Of The House now.  Gross.  Phyllis smiles and thinks about if Boniva is right for her.  Flashback to being in bed with old Jackie while he says he’s so happy she’s back in his life and they make out. 

 

Kelly says she thought Jack had gotten over resenting Nick.  Yeah, what’s the BIG DEAL?  “Because of his actions, I was ROBBED of the chance to raise my daughter!  As much as I’d like to be the bigger man, I’m afraid ‘forgive and forget’ is not an option.”  Kelly says she must have been reading him all wrong.  Well, most of the time, Jack tries to be civil for Summer’s sake, but the bachelor party brought up a lot of negative history.  Idiot Kelly scolds that she thought the evening ended on a very decent note.  YOU WERE DRUNK AND TALKING ABOUT UNICORNS.  Jack says it’s not like he doesn’t have a certain affection for lunkhead Nick, “but THIS ANGER IS STILL INSIDE OF ME!”  As it should be.

 

After all the ugliness at the party, he doesn’t want to show up at the church.  Kelly thinks he’ll regret it.  Forget Nick, what about SHARON’S feelings, and Summer’s?  She bets PHYLLIS would want him to go.  HA HA HA.  Jack’s like, omg.  “Phyllis would want NOTHING TO DO with this wedding.  She wouldn’t even want to HEAR about her [obsession] ex-husband remarrying his first wife that she stole him from.”  When is Kelly going to get it that Phyllis is a bitch on wheels?  She pouts.  She admits that she found that photo of Phyllis in the cabinet and wondered if Jack had been looking at it.  Did that conversation with Nick stir up his feelings for her??  No, she’s just marking her territory.

 

Kelly insists that she wants him to feel like he can talk to her about Phyllis, as long as he never looks at her picture.  She says it makes sense that this wedding could bring up some stuff about their endless love quadrangle.  Jack says he found the picture on the mantel.  He thinks Mrs. Martinez put it there because she didn’t like the memo about the asparagus.  So he put it in the cabinet so Kelly wouldn’t feel uncomfortable.  IT CAME FROM THE CABINET.  Do these people read their own writing? 

 

Jack emphatically states that Phyllis has NOTHING to do with him not wanting to go to stupid Nick’s stupid wedding.  But Kelly still wants him to go, for her. She believes that if you put positive energy into the universe, then that’s what you’ll get back!  Ha.  You’re about to get some scarlet vengeance energy in return, girl.  “On one condition,” says Jack.  She has to make time for one long, slow dance with him that won’t possibly be dramatically interrupted.  They start making out.

 

Michael insists it was just a regular checkup.  Then why didn’t Lauren tell Gloria?  Because she was respecting his privacy!  Yeah, Gloria doesn’t really do privacy.  He says it was a boring appointment.  Gloria glares at Lauren suspiciously.

 

Avery meekly tells Superman that Dylan’s [handcuffed] tied up right now, so he really can’t meet him, but she doesn’t think it’s such a good idea anyway.  He says there’s no reason for that, he’s not looking to pick a fight.  SHE wouldn’t be comfortable with that, Joe. “Because he was the man you had an affair with?”  No, she really just doesn’t want you to know she ended up with a barista up on first degree murder.

 

He says, look, for the longest time he was hurt by that, but he did a lot of soul searching and realized he was to blame.  He was married to his job and didn’t even have time to cross paths with the man that was in their home, who she turned to because he wasn’t there.  He is simultaneously making it sound like an accusation and an apology.  This guy is mesmerizing.  Avery whispers they both made mistakes.  He gets super close to her while saying he’s over it.  He wouldn’t be there if he wasn’t.  Smolder, smolder.

 

She seems kind of entranced, and asks him about his life.  Did he remarry?  No, busy working, no serious relationships.  She really hopes he finds someone special.  So does he.  He finally breaks the spell, and says he has to conclude his business and catch the first flight out in the morning.  He says it was SO LOVELY to see her.  Keep in touch.  He kisses her cheek, and I think her knees might have buckled.  He leaves before she can manage to spit out goodbye.

 

Clever Dylan is explaining the hoax to Nikki.  Paul doesn’t even think Ian is dead.  They believe Ian’s obsession with Nikki is much more important to him than money, so they want her to place a personal ad with the intent of luring him to her.  She’s like you want me to be bait?  Paul says she’ll NEVER be in any DANGER, because she won’t be going to that meeting.  Right, Ian Ward would NEVER see through THAT.  Dylan says she’ll be safe and protected at all times. 

 

Nikki doesn’t respond.  Paul says if this is too stressful, she doesn’t have to do it.  No way!  She’s in!  Great!  The only people in on it are Avery, and Chris.  BOOOO!   Actually, Chris probably just tricked Paul into arresting him.  No cops know about it, so I don’t know who’s going to be protecting Nikki.  They have to keep it super confidential, but Paul thinks Victor should also be informed because he can keep shit on the down low a lot better than any of them. 

 

The first step is to release the information that Dylan’s being charged with Ian’s murder.  Once that news is circulating, then they place the ad.  I guess Ian reads those on the regular.   Paul promises they will protect Summer and Mariah with the police that think Ian’s dead.  He thanks Nikki for helping and gets ready to give a press statement.  Nikki says she hates people thinking Dylan’s a murderer, but that man terrorized her!  She’s willing to do ANYTHING to make him SUFFER!  Paul ponders that.

 

Paul gives a statement to the press that Dylan McAvoy was arrested without incident, and the charge will be first degree homicide.  A reporter asks how did it feel to arrest your own son?  “I did what I had to do,” he says stoically, while the flashbulbs go off.

 

Austin notices Mariah is upset.  She haltingly reads off her phone that it’s breaking news.  Dylan McAvoy’s been arrested for murdering Ian.  Whoa.  He’s like, are you okay??  She says yeah.  Now she doesn’t have to get that annulment at least.  She’s pissed off because if he’s really dead, then she will never get to tell him off for what he did to her.  Austin knows it’s more than that…even though he was a real creep, he was still like a father to her.  Mariah’s eyes glaze with tears, and she admits he was like the only father she ever had.  “And until the end he never treated me badly, just the opposite.  But now everyone will be happy he’s dead and gone,” she says softly.  She turns away, and Austin reaches out and gently touches her arm.  “I’m sorry,” he says.

 

Fen and Summer kibbutz at their table about how intense her mom was.  But she was always looking out for Summer.  We pretend Phyllis is a sucker for Christmas.  Fen says they will always be friends.  He has to get going, which makes Summer sad, but he has to see his folks.  Austin says next time he’ll have to come over and hang out at the Malibu apartment.  Fen shakes his hand and leans in intently and says, “You better not hurt her.”  Austin’s like, I shoot cops so maybe you should STFU, Adam Levine.

 

Jack and Kelly are getting hot and heavy in the bedroom.  She has a really big to-do list!  But he wants to do this.  “I love you, Kelly.”  She loves him, too.  None of this admire and respect BS.  PASSION!  I like her bracelet.

 

Phyllis looks at her engagement ring and tears roll down her face.  Nick didn’t give this to her.  Wait, she has a real flashback!  Jack puts the ring on her finger.  SHE COULD HEAR HIM ALL ALONG!  “This ring is my pledge to you.  I will wait here, as long as it takes.  I’ll wait for you. I promise.”  Unless I meet someone else.  She hugs her knees and weeps.  “I heard you, Jack,” she whispers.  THEN GO HOME.

 

Gloria hugs and makes a big deal over Fen.  Lauren takes Michael aside and says she’s concerned.  We have to hear about his urologist, which is not why I watch soap operas, people.  He’s kind enough to say it’s no worse than what we ladies go through.  He insists he’s okay.

 

Mariah goes off on Summer for dumping her dirty glasses for her to clean up, because work is an alien concept to Summer.  Summer’s like why are YOU in such a crap mood anyways?!  Isn’t that Mariah’s normal mood?  She says well, Ian’s dead, Dylan’s in jail, it doesn’t exactly make her smile.  Summer says Dylan’s in JAIL?  “Omg, my poor Aunt Avery!”  Mariah mocks her…”O-m-g, poor THEM.  Why don’t you just say it?  You are GLAD the only person who ever gave a damn about me growing up is DEAD.”  Summer says she wanted him caught, she doesn’t go around wishing people dead!  Austin wants to keep things peaceful, so Mariah walks off.

 

Avery shows up to pow-wow with Paul, Nikki, and Dylan.  She still seems a little flustered from the Joe meeting.  Nikki worries, but she’s glad Dylan will be safe behind bars when it all goes down, so he’s not tempted to go after Ian himself again.  The major bummer is that he’s missing Nick and Sharon’s wedding, but it can’t be helped.  He tells Avery she can go without him if she wants.  Avery says she has so much going on, she just doesn’t know.  I don’t think Avery was too jazzed about that wedding anyway.  Paul and Nikki leave.  Dylan says he can tell something is going on with her.

 

Paul takes Nikki in his office and says he wants to make SURE they’re on the same page.  She will NOT be involved other than using her name in the ad, and she will be NOWHERE in the vicinity of that madman.  It MUST go EXACTLY as PLANNED.  So don’t get drunk and screw it all up.  She’s like, fine, I understand!  Paul takes a call, and Nikki looks like she doesn't understand at all.

 

Avery’s like what do you mean what’s going on with me?  The man I love is in jail, and I’m worried.  Dylan promises he’s going to be fine, and it will be all over soon, and they can get back to their lives.  Ha!  Christine is never letting you go!

 

Smokin’ hot Joe is at the club, reading DYLAN MCAVOY ARRESTED IN WARD SLAYING in the GC Chronicle.  He’s like, hmm, Avery didn’t mention that.   He frowns and leaves, passing Nikki on the way in.  She’s leaving a wimpy message for Victor about missing him and not knowing where he is. She really needs her husband!  Too bad he’s across the ocean tearing your children’s lives apart, as usual.  She orders a lemonade…then sneaks her mini bar bottle of vodka out of her purse.

 

Michael, Lauren, and Fen pose for photos taken by Gloria.  He rants about waiting for this perfect day when their life would be perfect and here it is.  “I love you all,” says Gloria. 

 

The doctor is on the phone asking for a rush on those Michael Baldwin test results.  He doesn’t like the levels he’s seeing.

 

Austin comforts Summer that she didn’t say anything wrong.  So why did Mariah blow up like that, she whines.  Austin has to explain to emotionally dense Summer that Mariah’s just feeling a little sensitive about her surrogate father being MURDERED, and they both should know  how it feels to lose someone you care about.  “So have a little compassion, Summer,” she mocks.  FINE, but does Mariah have to be so nasty!!  WAAAH!  Austin says it looks like she and Fen had a good visit. Oh, yes, their parents were best friends, so they grew up together.  He’s like, I guess you have a lot of history.  She’s like, but you and I will have some too eventually.  They hug, while Mariah watches.

 

Jack and Kelly have pillow talk and discuss redecorating the bedroom so it’s HERS and not PHYLLIS’S.  Kelly says thank you.  “Anything for you,” says Jack.

 

Phyllis walks in a pawn shop in her spy coat.  She plops the gigantic engagement ring on the counter.  “How much can I get for this?”  Oh, Phyllis.  Nurse Hathaway would be so disappointed.

Edited October 4, 2014 by peach

[peacheslatour]

You know peach, I've said it before and so have many others, but you should bundle some of these re-caps up and send them to all the web sites and publications that have TV reviews.  I bet you'd be hired,   You can't deprive the world of your fantastic talent.

Do you watch any other shows that you do re-caps for?  I would read every one of them, even if I don't watch those shows.

[jodo]

You know peach, I've said it before and so have many others, but you should bundle some of these re-caps up and send them to all the web sites and publications that have TV reviews.  I bet you'd be hired,   You can't deprive the world of your fantastic talent.

Do you watch any other shows that you do re-caps for?  I would read every one of them, even if I don't watch those shows.

Agree totally!  

[peach]

Fri, Oct 3   Wedding Day

 

“EVERYBODY WAKE UP!” shouts Faith, at 7:30 a.m.  It’s the Big Day!  She doesn’t want anyone to miss it.  “Nothing could make me miss my wedding day,” says Sharon.  Mariah rolls her eyes.

 

Jack and Kelly wake up.  “Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.  We have a wedding to get ready for.”  But first they have to do it.

 

Phyllis is up and at’em, and her bed is already neatly made.  I guess she is done wasting time sleeping these days.  She stares at the wedding invitation, and she gives US the side eye.  <shiver>

 

Nikki’s up, but looking rode hard and put away wet.  She digs out her mini vodka bottle from her purse and notices it’s empty.  I was under the impression that alcoholics consumed larger bottles of vodka.  Vicky interrupts, so she stashes it.  Victoria’s already glamorously dressed in an ombre toga sort of dress that’s hard to describe, but it’s pretty cool.  “You’re not dressed!” she says to Nikki.  Is this wedding at 9 a.m. or something?  Nikki says she overslept.  Victoria asks if she’s okay?  She hasn’t forgotten what TODAY is, has she?  Nikki stares for a second, and then says, of course not.  My son’s wedding.
 

OMG!  Nick shaved!  And cut his hair!  He looks ten years younger. WOW.  I just had to rewind the whole scene because I didn’t hear anything they said.  He runs into Avery at the coffee house.  He jokes about dealing with a long wedding and reception and pictures.  She says Dylan’s super sorry about missing the wedding because of being in jail for murdering your mom’s tormenter.  Dylan wanted her to go in his place, but she’s going to skip it, considering THEIR “wedding history,” as in the time she dumped him at the altar a year ago.  She knows he only invited her because Dylan’s his brother. He’s like don’t be ridiculous, he wants her to come.  Marrying Sharon is kind of a big clue that he doesn’t care you jilted him, Avery.

 

Early birds Austin and Summer are already at the church.  He gushes over remembering THEIR second wedding in that very church.  Blah sappy blah.  But then Summer gets sad about missing her mom.  “Why don’t you call the clinic!” suggests Austin, see if there’s any news.  Right, nothing like cheering you up to call and see how comatose someone still is.  But of course, THIS TIME, she’s awake!  And not calling you!  Summer decides it’s a super idea, though.  She calls the clinic right on the spot. 

 

I guess “Dr. Pen” has given up all other pursuits to sit in Phyllis’ empty room and wait for phone calls, instead of moving to Argentina.  Why does a coma victim even HAVE a phone in her room?  Anyway, Dr. Pen is SO GLAD Summer took his advice and did not visit Phyllis.  She’s like…why?  Is she worse?  “She is the SAME,” says Dr. Pen.  She’s like, look, weirdo, I want to talk to Dr. Burnett.  Ohh, he’s super busy.  Well, then she wants to talk to Nurse Hathaway.  Hmm, she’s not working today.  Summer’s had enough.  She tells Dr. Pen that her grandfather donated a LOT of money to that place, and he’s not going to be happy to hear he’s giving her the runaround.  Dr. Pen is going to have to deal with HIM.  Right then, Victor bursts through Phyllis’ door.  “Where the hell is she?” he demands.

 

Lily and Cane are going over notes on the Shick reception.  She says she let Kelly sleep in this morning.  Omg, Schick’s wedding is the best thing ever, because Cane cut his mop, too, and looks pretty good.  Lily sees Devon helping Neil through the revolving door.  “Hey,” she whispers to Cane, “did you ever find out who Devon shared the suite with last night?”  Cane says it’s none of her business.  Excuse me, he’s her brother, of course it’s her business!  They all say hi to each other, and Lily digs around for hints about if Devon has a special lady in his life.  “No.  There’s not,” says Devon.  Cane gives him a look.

 

Michael and Lauren chat up Nick at the coffee house.  Lauren says most grooms would be a nervous wreck right now!  Nick’s like, not at all!  After everything he and Sharon have been through, getting married feels like the right thing. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?  Michael tells Avery NOT to worry about Dylan’s case.  He and Lauren leave.  Nick tells Avery that Michael’s right, with his defense, Dylan will not go to prison, so PLEASE come to the wedding.  Avery says, “I hope things work out for you and Sharon.”  How nice. 

 

She admits what’s really bothering her is that she heard from JOE yesterday and he was totally gorgeous.  Nick’s like, wow, haven’t heard about Joe in a long time.  She says he was here on business so he can tear down your crummy bar, and he decided to look her up.  Nick’s like, whoa, he’s HERE?  She thinks it was okay, they made peace with her being a big cheater.  Nick asks if Dylan’s, um, cool with this?  Oh, well, she kind of didn’t tell him.  Mmm hmm.  “And WHY are we talking about my ex-husband on your wedding day??”  Um, because YOU brought it up.

 

Nick insists his nerves are solid.  He’s ready to rock’n’roll, except, um, OH NO!  He FORGOT to pick up  a new tie at Fenmore’s!!  And now he DOESN’T HAVE TIME!!!  Avery says SHE will get the tie and bring it to him.  “That’s what exes are for, right?” Umm, sure. 

 

Summer is telling Dr. Pen she would like to speak to someone who knows more information.  He says there’s an emergency, he has to go!  Summer’s like, omg, he hung up.  Austin’s like, that’s weird.  You better call the main phone number!  Just kidding, nobody said that.

 

“Where’s Phyllis?” demands Victor.  Dr. Cutler already told him on the phone…he doesn’t know.  Victor doesn’t giveadamn what he told him on the phone, HOW did he lose a patient that could hear them conspiring against her?  Dr. Cutler didn’t think Phyllis was possibly strong enough to get out of bed.  “OBVIOUSLY YOU WERE WRONG!”  Doc says the security staff is looking for her.  “Do you honestly think I will leave the search for Phyllis in the incompetent hands of YOUR security staff??”  Victor has his OWN incompetent security staff!  His people will handle it. 

 

Did Phyllis say anything to give us a clue as to her whereabouts?  Well, where do you THINK she went, dumbass?  Skiing?  Dr. Cutler said he already told him about her cawing like a crow.  “YOU told ME she was improving, Doctor.”  Well, Dr. Cutler ALSO told HIM that this treatment was experimental, and he had NO IDEA how it was going to affect her brain!  Or her superhuman abilities!

 

Phyllis is still glaring at the wedding invitation.  She tears it in half, and clutches the pieces in her fists!

 

Kelly and Jack lay in bed and talk about how worth it that was to be late.  But she has to get to work.  She has to check in with Lily, but she’ll see him at the wedding.  She LOVES weddings, they’re so magical. Like unicorns, I suppose. Jack says he’s spent the better part of his life trying to avoid marriage, unless you count the six times he’s been married, plus the engagement he broke off LAST WEEK because of a coma.  “But NOW, just the idea of two people committing themselves to each other, forever…it INSPIRES me.” He kisses Kelly, who escapes to the shower before he can propose to her, too.

 

Nikki got ready lickety split by encasing herself in a GCRB and black sequined dress which seems excessive for a breakfast wedding. 

 

Victoria thinks of reasons for Nikki to be stressed out, namely that Victor is running around on a business trip instead of being home in time for the dreaded wedding, and that Dylan is in jail.  Gosh, does that bother her?  She hates that her involvement with Ian has hurt him.  Victoria’s like hey, you have me!   She knows today is going to be super hard.  Nikki admits that though she’s tried to be happy for Nicholas’ sake, the thought of Sharon joining the family again is almost more than she can take.  Well, at least you got rid of Billy at the same time.

 

Sharon sits at her vanity table.  “It’s time for the bride to get ready!”  She and Faith gush over, well, everything, and especially how TOTALLY AWESOME DADDY IS.  Mariah stares with hatred.  Faith asks what’s wrong with Mariah.  “She says that’s what having a parent lie to you your whole life does.”  Faith frowns.  Mommy and Daddy never lied to her.  “That’s right,” says Sharon, very seriously.  “We haven’t, and we never would.”  Mariah is disgusted.  “I’ve heard that before,” and she stomps out.  Sharon looks confused.  Hey, maybe she’s DANGEROUS, Sharon.

 

Abby arrives at the church wearing a weird light blue lace dress with velvet collar and non-coordinating taupe sash, that I can’t describe other than yuck.  Many braids in the hair.  Nick insists his tie is on the way.  She’s surprised he’s not nervous, and he’s like why does everyone keep SAYING that?  Because he’s marrying SHARON!  But she promises no more Sharon bashing on the wedding day.  She even apologizes for her drunken shitty behavior at the bachelorette party.  She is NOT apologizing Cassie’s Evil Twin who just walked up.  They almost get into a brawl, but Abby leaves to find some more civilized guests to talk to.

 

THANK YOU, says Nick, for not doing anything today to cause any trouble, I guess in an attempt at a self-fulfilling prophesy.  “There’s still time,” assures Mariah.  He asks her to please not do anything to ruin this day for her mother.  Mariah insists he DOESN’T know her as well as he thinks he does.  “Mariah, I’m serious,” he says.

 

Now Nick has to promise Summer he’s not nervous, not even a little bit.  “What could POSSIBLY go wrong, today?” he smiles.  He really did say it that time.

 

Mariah calls Victor.  “Did you get the proof yet that Faith isn’t Nick’s daughter?”  Not yet, he has another, bigger crisis that’s his fault.  She says he better get his priorities in order, then.  “Nick’s wedding is about to start, and I am NOT going to let him MARRY that lying hypocrite.  I don’t CARE if she’s my mom.”  Victor asks what she’s planning to do.  “If you don’t GET here in time to tell Nick the truth, I will.”

 

Kelly meets up with Lily at the club.  She dishes with Lily about Jack getting weird about weddings being inspiring…she thought maybe..he was… who knows?!  SHE doesn’t want to get married, though!  She has to rush the flowers over to the church, and Lily tells her think fast, and whips the bouquet at her to see if she’ll catch it.  HA, she DOES, maybe she does want to get married, or maybe Lily just wants to ruin Sharon’s bouquet before the ceremony.

 

Jack gets to the church, and he wants to have a word with Nick in private.  Nick squints.

 

Mariah tells Victor she means it, she will tell Nick what she knows.  “You don’t knowadamnthing!” says Victor, plus she’s not going to steal HIS thunder.  “Sharon’s been LYING to Nick about being Faith’s father!” says Mariah.  All she knows is the incoherent mumblings of Sharon while she was asleep!  That doesn’t count for shit.  Mariah thought he wanted to stop this wedding!  He does, but he can’t DO ANYTHING until he knows for sure what Sharon’s hiding.  Besides, this is Faith we’re talking about, biatch.  He demands she not do anything until he gets there.  “FINE,” says Mariah, “but when this goes south, don’t forget I tried to help.  “I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP.  GOT IT?”  He hangs up on her.

 

Kevin arrives for his not a date date.  “You look nice!”  “Shut up!  The dress wasn’t my choice.”  He admits it’s…different.  Maybe because she’s not an uptight debutante who wears ugly ass dresses that old ladies would wear.  She needs to find a way to make it look hotter.  They have a dumb conversation about how hot Mariah dresses when she wears more clothes than anyone in GC, like, LAUREN, for instance, who walks in spilling out of the top of her red brocade strapless dress. 

 

Lauren introduces herself as Michael’s wife, and Kevin’s sister-in-law.  Mariah says she’s Ian Ward’s wife, and Kevin’s date.  Lauren amusingly takes that in stride, and says it’s very nice to meet her.  “I doubt it,” says Mariah.  She arranges to ride to the reception with Kevin, and hopes he brought his Harley because she needs to have some fun.   She leaves. 

 

Michael acts scandalized.  Kevin says not to read too much into it.  Lauren says SHE obviously isn’t.  Kevin says she just needs a friend and he’s just trying to be one.  Michael’s like, ugh, that sounds familiar, and Kevin insists this is NOTHING like Chloe.  He’d have to be in a real relationship in the real world, and he’s discovered living in the fantasy world is so much better!  He walks away, and Lauren hilariously mouths WHAT? to Michael.  He just shakes his head, because we all probably DON'T want to know, and they go in the chapel.

 

Vavavoom Courtney in red chats with Summer.  She asks her what’s wrong??  Courtney can TELL when something is seriously wrong with Summer because everyone else is totally fooled by her amazing poker face.  She’s freaking out about her mom because the clinic is run by weirdos.

 

Phyllis is creepily preparing to get dressed for the wedding.

 

Jack just wants to clear up what happened at the bachelor party.  Nick insists Jack was cheated out of a lot, but Jack’s Mr. Bigger Person today, and he wants the best for Nick and his family reuniting.  Nick’s sorry Jack and Summer and Phyllis don’t get to do that too.  But he knows Phyllis would want Jack to be happy, too.  I’m pretty sure Phyllis doesn’t want ANY of them to be happy.  Kelly gets there. 

 

Courtney brushes off Summer’s fears.  This doc probably doesn’t know much about the case.  Even so, Summer’s heading down there after the wedding.  She takes the flowers to the bride’s room.  Noah meets up with Courtney.  She’s worried all the drunk tank cellmates won’t be happy to see her, but Noah thinks she’s forgiven.  They walk in, and Neil asks her if she got a shiny, new medal for arresting all the millionaires of Genoa City at one time?  Haha, everyone laughs, because Neil’s just teasing.  Blah blah. 

 

Lily thinks weddings are contagious and put everyone in a romantic mood.  Brooding Devon walks away. Lily says a bunch of crap about how Devon isn’t telling them who his woman is as if she’s NEVER heard of a one night stand.  She thinks there must be something wrong with this woman if Devon doesn’t bring her around.   Neil insists that if she’s special to Devon, they will meet her at the right time.

 

Victoria and Nikki get to the church and also think Nick should be nervous, but he is NOT.  He says to think today almost didn’t happen due to some random drunk.  Nikki’s like, huh?  Nick’s like, you know, the guy in the bar who punched Michael?  Nikki says, someone punched Michael??  Vicky’s like, yeah?!  That’s what started the whole fight that got them all arrested and thrown in jail?  Except for that guy, somehow.  Nikki’s like…ohhh…um, she was just TEASING about not remembering all that, you silly kids!

 

Vicky says Mom is acting kind of strange this morning.  She brushes it off, and Abby comes out while they discuss that Victor probably isn’t going to make it because he’s out of town on some business trip.  “He’s not going to see his son get married??” asks Abby.  She knows they all hate Sharon, but really?  Nick’s pretty sure Dad’s urgent business was to find a way to stop the wedding, but it looks like he couldn’t do that, he says with satisfaction.

 

Victor asks why Dr. Cutler didn’t inform him the moment Phyllis disappeared?  He says he thought they would find her on the grounds!  “You were protecting YOUR ASS,” says Victor.  The doctor thinks they should just focus on finding her now.  “REALLY?” says Victor.  He gets a phone call.  “Are you sure it’s Phyllis? Where is she now?”

 

Summer brings Sharon the flowers.  She tells her everyone’s there…except Grandpa.  Mariah’s a  jerk, and altered her dress so it “doesn’t look like something someone 80 would wear.”  She tore off that sheer halter part.  “Now you don’t look like Summer,” says sad Faith.  “Exactly,” says Mariah.  Omg, she’s not playing right!!  Summer is like wtf is wrong with you?  Sharon asks her to take Faith to find the flower girl petals.  Mariah tells her to save her advice or lecture or whatever she calls it.  She calls it “caring.”  Well, Mariah doesn’t want or need to anyone to care about her.  Sharon says, okay.  Then Mariah’s like, what do you mean, OKAY?  Lol

 

They have a boring conversation about how rough things are for Mariah so she needs time, and Mariah is sarcastic, and Sharon isn’t going to walk away, not because of altered dresses or nasty words.  “You’re my flesh, you’re my blood, you’re my daughter, Mariah.  I messed up when you were born, I let you slip out of my life, but I’m not going to let that happen again.”  Mariah tries to appear unmoved, but she IS moved.

 

Nikki and Victoria come in bearing gifts for the bride.  Faith asks if it’s time for something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue?  That would be Nikki, Mariah, Summer, and most of the clothes in GC.  Covered!  Nikki gives Sharon a brooch that was Nicholas’ great-grandmother’s that’s been in their family a long time, like they hope she will be.  Nobody else must want that one.  Faith gives her a new shiny penny.   Summer gives her PHYLLIS’ EARRINGS for something borrowed.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Summer strikes again in the “worst fucking gift ever” category.  Sharon is like…ACK!!... I mean, yay.  She promises Summer that Phyllis will wear them again someday…probably when she claws them out of Sharon’s ears later today.

 

Phyllis, Conqueror of Worlds, sits in her hotel room and looks the earring she’ll just have to make do with today, while imagining her revenge.

 

Dr. Cutler asks if Phyllis is in some sort of trouble. Besides being an experimental coma clinic refugee, you mean?  Victor says she was involved in some sort of altercation!  So not only was he wrong about her condition, it turns out she’s capable of escaping on her own and being strong enough to ASSAULT someone! Dr. Cutler says we have NO IDEA what she’s capable of.  “You better hope she’s not hurting herself… or someone else,” warns Victor.  Wait, WHO better hope that?

 

Victoria hopes the ugly “something old” brooch brings Sharon and Nick better luck that it did Billy and her.  OMG!  They did the same thing for Victoria’s wedding?!  Who just got divorced?!  ANOTHER TERRIBLE GIFT.  Summer says they’re only missing something blue.  She looks at Mariah.  She’s like…what?  YOU were supposed to bring something blue, HELLO?  Mariah’s like, you were serious about that?  Summer’s like, omg, YES, I was.  This is a WEDDING, Mariah, and YOU are a bridesmaid, you disgusting heathen.  Mariah’s like, hey, I SHOWED UP, what else do you want?  She’s not going to be part of some stupid tradition.  Everyone is aggravated, but Sharon acts like it’s okay. 

 

They all leave, except Mariah…and then she gives Sharon an anklet with blue stones in it.  Aww, Miss Tough Girl really did bring something blue, she just likes yanking Summer’s chain.   Sharon thinks it’s beautiful.  Mariah got it at some flea market, and the lady said the stones are angelite…it’s supposed to bring..balance into your life.  “It’s working,” says Sharon.  I guess she’s wearing some other kind of stone that brings Phyllis into your life.  Thoughtful Mariah says it’s an anklet, so if she doesn’t like it, it’s hidden.  Well, Sharon loves it.  Summer and Faith come back in.  “Summer, look!” cries Faith.  “Mariah did get something blue!”  Summer’s like, super.  Mariah says they’ve got to get this bride dressed if they’re going to celebrate this wedding!

 

We flash back and forth between Sharon and Phyllis putting on their makeup, their jewelry, and their stripper shoes.  “How do I look?” asks Sharon.  “Perfect,” says Phyllis to the mirror.

 

Everyone’s preparing for the start of the ceremony.  The hipster minister comes in.  He needs a shave.  FINALLY, Avery rushes in at the last second with her cleavage and a tie.  Noah says he’ll meet him at the altar.  Nick says thanks, he didn’t think she was going to make it.  “Not this time,” says Avery.  Now everything’s going to be just right.  She says he looks perfect.  She goes in and Nick takes a deep breath and smiles.

 

The wedding starts.  Faith is adorable.  Everyone smiles at Faith…everyone smiles at Summer…Kevin smiles at Mariah.  Sharon appears.  TA DA!  It’s a basic strapless wedding dress, but she looks pretty.  Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring starts playing, and Sharon begins her walk down the aisle.

 

Phyllis has her spy coat and a diamond bracelet on.  She opens the door…and it’s a state trooper!!!!  An extremely large and stern one.   HA!  Now you know who’s side the writers are on.

 

Sharon makes it to the altar.  “Let’s do this,” says Nick.  Shick 4Evah!

[peacheslatour]

 

“Do you honestly think I will leave the search for Phyllis in the incompetent hands of YOUR security staff??”  Victor has his OWN incompetent security staff!  His people will handle it.

*dead*

[Joimiaroxeu]

Faith asks if it’s time for something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue?  That would be Nikki, Mariah, Summer, and most of the clothes in GC.  Covered! 

Brava!

[movinon]

 

Do you honestly think I will leave the search for Phyllis in the incompetent hands of YOUR security staff??”  Victor has his OWN incompetent security staff!  His people will handle it.

Love this one.  Wonder if he knows that Phyllis just got past his security staff to nose around in Sharon's house?

[miamama]

Jack and Kelly are getting hot and heavy in the bedroom.  She has a really big to-do list!  But he wants to do this.  “I love you, Kelly.”  She loves him, too.  None of this admire and respect BS.  PASSION!  I like her bracelet.

 

Very interesting observation peach. I read Phyllis's flashback -- when she didn't tell Jack she loved him, only that he knew how she felt -- completely opposite. That his relationship with Phyllis is solid and long term and they are secure in their feelings and not all gushy and sex all the time and having to reassure each other that they are IN BIG LOVE like it is with Kelly. I don't know about the writers, but I can see PB wanting to skew the scenes to show this type of difference in the pairings.

 

Who knows? I'm inclined to see Kelly and Jack as less real because I'm officially over them as a pairing. I really don't think CM's Kelly is working as they are writing her. And I'm warming to GT's Phyllis. Plus I've been a long-time sucker for Phack.

[thewhiteowl]

 

“Perfect,” says Phyllis to the mirror.

 

 Oh Goody! Her ego is still the same, over-inflated and delusional.

 

[Suby]

Oh well at least saying "Perfect" to the mirror is an improvement over scrawling I hate myself in lipstick on a mirror or shredding undies.  Just sayin'.

[peach]

Very interesting observation peach. I read Phyllis's flashback -- when she didn't tell Jack she loved him, only that he knew how she felt -- completely opposite. That his relationship with Phyllis is solid and long term and they are secure in their feelings and not all gushy and sex all the time and having to reassure each other that they are IN BIG LOVE like it is with Kelly. I don't know about the writers, but I can see PB wanting to skew the scenes to show this type of difference in the pairings.

 

Who knows? I'm inclined to see Kelly and Jack as less real because I'm officially over them as a pairing. I really don't think CM's Kelly is working as they are writing her. And I'm warming to GT's Phyllis. Plus I've been a long-time sucker for Phack.

 

I wouldn't say that's MY interpretation of the characters, as much as my interpretation of THEIR interpretation of the characters.  LOL  Does that make sense?  IMO, they had to pick ONE thing for Phyllis to remember in a flashback, and since it was a fake flashback, it could have been anything, so I thought they were making a point with that "admire and respect" interaction.  Then they make a big forced deal out of the PASSION of Jack and Kelly.  That's why I put PASSION in capital letters, when all I was thinking about was, "I like that bracelet," since their PASSION means nothing to me.  And I really like that bracelet.  ;D  I don't mind them together, but I don't care either. 

 

And I wish Phyllis writers seemed to care about it.  Like, when she found her own photo put away, she made a point of putting it out, but I think they should have had her see a photo of KELLY that WAS out and had some kind of reaction to that, so you at least feel like it's something she's going to get to 9run over with a car) later.  But instead it's all Sharon, Sharon, Sharon, which is really just Nick, Nick, Nick.   But perhaps I'm just being impatient.

 

 

Oh, and then add Jack making a NONSENSICAL statement that's been trying to avoid marriage most of his life??  But NOW he's inspired by a lifelong commitment?  Even if you left out the half dozen marriages he's already had, he spent the LAST YEAR blathering on and on about how he wanted Phyllis to wake up do they could run down the aisle together and spend the rest of their lives together.  Over and over again.  So I don't know WHAT they are doing.

 

As for the new Phyllis, I think she's great!  Poor woman has had almost zero dialogue so she's had to sell it every other way, and I think she has.  Despite the Alien scenes in the hospital, which frankly, I enjoyed and will not forget!  lol  But she's got a great wicked glare and presence, and I'm looking forward to seeing her mix it up in Genoa City.  I don't care if she gets back with Jack or not, I'd like to see her have a go with Superman.

Edited October 5, 2014 by peach

[peacheslatour]

 

I'd like to see her have a go with Superman.

I really can't wait to see who they hook these two actors up with.  And PLEASE DO NOT HAVE PHYLL GO AFTER SHICK- I am soooo sick of that crap.

[glowlights]

And I wish Phyllis writers seemed to care about it.  Like, when she found her own photo put away, she made a point of putting it out, but I think they should have had her see a photo of KELLY that WAS out and had some kind of reaction to that, so you at least feel like it's something she's going to get to 9run over with a car) later. 

 

LOL! Fingers crossed...

 

You're abslolutely right about Jack's statement re: avoiding marriage his whole life vs the recent storyline with him and Phyllis. They keep rewriting history, including recent history, and it makes it harder and harder for me to connect with the characters. Who will any of them be next episode? Who else will suddenly have mad chemist skillz that were never mentioned before, or a child, or a totally different perspective on relationships? Maybe Lily has been practicing as an architect this whole time. It's all up for grabs.

[miamama]

Oh, and then add Jack making a NONSENSICAL statement that's been trying to avoid marriage most of his life??

 

IKR? It was half written I thought. He said "I spent a lot of my life avoiding marriage" which actually was true with original Jack. He was that guy. But he should have added: "And then I obsessively married or tried to marry every woman who showed the slightest interest in me and the marriages all ended very badly. So look out!" 

 

I wouldn't say that's MY interpretation of the characters, as much as my interpretation of THEIR interpretation of the characters.  LOL  Does that make sense?  IMO, they had to pick ONE thing for Phyllis to remember in a flashback, and since it was a fake flashback, it could have been anything, so I thought they were making a point with that "admire and respect" interaction.  Then they make a big forced deal out of the PASSION of Jack and Kelly.

 

Yup. I get what you're saying. And I fully agree. I just meant I think they included that particular scene to show Jack and Phyllis had a more stable grounded relationship than this weird flighty PASSIONATE one with Kelly.

 

But I keep doing this. Giving the writers too much credit. I need to stop.

[thewhiteowl]

If they had flashed back to Phyl saying how much she loved Jack, THAT would have been the retcon. IMO.

[peach]

But I keep doing this. Giving the writers too much credit. I need to stop.

Right.  This show is not like Shrek.  There are no layers.  lol

 

Guess what I'm watching on Encore right now...ALIEN.

 

Edited October 6, 2014 by peach

[movinon]

 

all I was thinking about was, "I like that bracelet," since their PASSION means nothing to me.  And I really like that bracelet.

I really like that bracelet, too and that is all I like about Kelly.  The actress is fine - this character sucks

[Runningwild]

Give the lighting director the Emmy now.  That was incredibly beautiful lighting on Phyllis.

[peach]

Mon, Oct 6    Wedding Day Part Two:  Love Is Going To Win

 

We open with Sharon walking down the aisle.  Then flash to Phyllis opening the door to the state trooper.  “Put your hands where I can see them.  You’re under arrest.”

 

I’m shocked yet again by cleaned up, boyish Nick.  “Let’s do this.”  Nikki looks superior and snide, but everyone else seems to be taking it okay.  Dearly beloved, we’re here to witness and bless the marriage of Nicholas and Sharon.  Avery looks depressed even though she tossed Nick aside without a second thought, just like she did Joe, because Super Dylan.  Jack and Kelly smile at each other, because love.  Nick and Sharon smile at each other because Shick 4Evah!

 

The pastor feels compelled to remind us that marriage is a sacrament that should be entered into reverently, and be one of the most memorable days of your life.  I wonder what the combined marriage total is sitting in that chapel.   They’re there to reunite their family, he says.  “What a beautiful cause for celebration.”  Abby sighs, but it turns out to be her disappointment in Dad not showing up.  Nikki whispers it’s not like Victor to miss this.  Look, he’s busy chasing a body snatcher down the highway, K? 

 

The pastor asks who gives this woman to this man, and Sharon says she gives HERSELF to him. Nick says he gives himself to her.  So there.  Cute little Faith says, “Me too! Noah says, “Absolutely!” Summer says, “We give them to each other.”  Mariah says, “…Sure.”  But I think she really means it, you guys.  “It looks like it’s unanimous,” says Nick.

 

Well, there’s one dissenter, and she asks the trooper what the charge is.  “Assault with a deadly weapon.”  Phyllis is like, seriously?  It was a flashlight, and she wasn’t even trying.  “There must be some mistake,” she says smoothly.  “[Nick]My family needs me.  It’s extremely important I see them.”  The trooper ain’t playin’.  “If that’s how you want it...”  He pulls out his cuffs.  Phyllis is like, you don’t understand, there’s somewhere I have to be.  He tries to grab her wrists and she bellows, “WAIT!”  He pauses.  She says, “You have to listen to me!”  So he DOES, because that’s how arrest warrants work. 

 

She pulls out the angry tears and rants a bit on how this guy was a creeper.  He’ll drop the charges when he finds out she’ll go to trial and tell the WORLD what a predatory piece of human GARBAGE he is!  She will fill in his WIFE, his friends and family, what he tried to do to her when she was just escaped out of the hospital, sob.   She was defending herself so the trooper needs to call this guy and tell him that so he drops the charges.  Has Phyllis never seen Law & Order?  Or maybe I should ask if the writers have never seen it.

 

Using this many words in one episode proves too much for Phyllis, and she sits/collapses on the bed and rubs her temple, and her teeth chatter in pain or demonic expression or a psychotic break, I’m not sure.

 

The pastor asks for God’s blessings and PROTECTION from evil spirits as they continue the journey they started so many years ago.  Fun flashback montage, to their “everlasting true love” song, of super young Nick and Sharon: declaring their love..  “Let’s do it!  Let’s get married right now!”…Nick carrying her over the threshold of the cottage…sitting in front of the fire...lingerie!...hot tub with fairy lights…dancing in the cottage to candlelight as adults… the time I thought it was a Hardee’s commercial…random love scenes…Nick washing her hair…kissing in Paris.  Awww.   Feelz.

 

The pastor says there is a vast and unknown future ahead of them, to put it mildly.  Responsibility sermon, but also passion for living.   Can they and will they make this commitment?   Nick says he can and he will.  After everything they’ve been through together, there’s NOTHING he doesn’t know about her.  cough*secret*cough.  Sharon is more than ready.  She can and she will.  Nick smiles.  Mariah glares.

 

“If anyone else here can show just cause why this man and THIS woman may not be lawfully wedded, let him speak now, or forever hold his peace!”  Abby and Nikki look at each other…and then EVERYONE TURNS AROUND, lol, and looks at the door….  Lily looks like she might laugh.  Whew!  Nobody objected!  Abby whispers to Victoria that for a second she thought Dad would come crashing through the doors.  Vicky’s baby seems to be objecting in his place, and she’s going into labor.  Abby The Lamaze Coach rushes her out.

 

Now people are going to take turns making speeches about how Shick is the greatest thing ever.  Avery maintains a stank face throughout, while Nikki curls her lip.  Noah has many feelz about how beautiful his mom is inside and out, and how hard things were a year ago.  Sharon worked so hard to overcome it and turn her life around…“and now you’re redeemed.”  It’s a MIRACLE.   She’s his mom again.  Sometimes he thought that might never happen.  His parents are the truest love that ever loved.  Mariah tries not to have any feelz, but they are peeking through. 

 

Summer reads a romantic and excessively long love poem that she claims was once part of her homework.  This might warrant a later investigation.  Sharon is moved to tears and there are hugs.

 

Will Sharon have Nicholas to be her husband, etc?  Nadia’s theme plays softly, and there is something else she needs to say before she says I will.  Nick looks a wee bit worried.

 

Victoria’s in labor or something.  She apologizes to Abby that they are missing the wedding.  Abby thinks this is far less nauseating than watching their brother marry that headcase.   She goes in the hall while Vicky asks the doctor to tell her the baby’s going to be okay.
Sharon has to add something to the vows, although she may regret spending this much time on it.  She says this time everything for Nicholas and her is going to be different.  She has one promise and one request.  She admits that being open and honest is something she’s always struggled with, because she’s afraid of how people will take things.  But she promises to trust in his love and go to him with everything, no matter how painful or embarrassing or silly it is.  Nick grins and says, “Awesome.” 

 

She asks for his forgiveness for all her terrible mistakes including any future ones.    “Done,” says Nick.  Anything else?  “Thank you for standing by my side, even in my darkest hour.  When no one else believed in me…you did.  And I want to spend the rest of my life being grateful, and returning the favor.”  Nick says, sorry, but he’s skipping right to the part where he kisses his bride!  So, they kiss.  Sharon laughs and finally says “I will.” 

 

Now it’s Nick’s turn.  He chokes back tears and says he’s made a lot of mistakes, too, including some extremely painful ones.  He promises to do everything he can to avoid that in the future.  Honesty is a two-way street, and he knows his report card isn’t exactly filled with A’s.  He promises to be open, too, and make her feel safe.  And do everything he can to make their house a real home, for ALL of them, the whole motley crew!  Mariah rolls her teary eyes. 

 

It means the world to him to have everyone there supporting him.  He knows some people like Avery and Nikki think this is a mistake and doomed to fail, but they know better.  He’s not doing this on some longshot chance or a maybe…”but this time, our love is going to win out over everything else.”  LOVE IS GOING TO WIN, you guys!

 

Will Nick take Sharon as his wife, etc?  He will.  Will all the witnesses do everything in their power to help these two out?  “Oh, yeah!” comes the answer.   You say that now, but will you take down an evil, alien presence to honor God, country, and Shick?  I bet you won't. Exchange of rings.  Now that Nicholas and Sharon have given themselves to each other with vows and hands and rings and stuff, the pastor now, by the power vested by the state, declares them….

 

KABAM!!!  Phyllis SLAMS open the doors, wearing a white wedding dress!  Avery’s like ho-ly shit.  Jack stands up slowly in disbelief.  Kelly gapes.  Sharon and Nick are like…AAACK!  Nikki’s like, are you kidding me??  Kelly gapes more!  Summer frowns!!  “Mom?” she whimpers.  Sharon looks terrified.  Phyllis only has eyes for Sharon, and those eyes are shooting death rays.

 

Victoria needs to stay calm.  Babies know when to be born, and hers isn’t ready.  It’s just Braxton-Hix contractions, not a big deal.  They got her out of the wedding, but she still has time to paint the nursery.  Abby’s never one to slow down and wait for facts or anything, so she calls Billy and leaves him a message that Vicky’s in the hospital.  She tells him to get his butt down there, because Vicky needs someone more than shallow Abby to get through this.   “She needs YOU, Billy.” 

 

Phyllis continues standing in the doorway bathed in unholy light, eyes boring holes into Sharon’s soul.  Avery slowly stands up.  Nikki’s about to catch some large flies in her mouth.  Sharon stares.  Phyllis starts slowly zombie strutting her way down the aisle, when Summer finally snaps out of her shock enough to run down to her.  I never thought I could feel sorry for Summer until now.  “Mama!”  She throws herself in her Phyllis’ arms.  When did she wake up?  How did she get here?  Phyllis never stops staring at Sharon, though, and basically PUSHES SUMMER ASIDE.  But Phyllis is in God’s house now, and the power of Christ compels her to pass out on the floor.  THUD!!!  Jack races to her side, while Kelly watches her magical Vivaldi life slip through her fingers.  Nick stares in horror. 

 

Summer, Jack, and Courtney attend to Phyllis while Avery calls 911.  Faith is like, what’s PHYLLIS doing here?  Mariah runs over to Kevin and says, “That’s THE Phyllis??”  That’s her alright, says Kevin.  He explains that her son Daniel is his best friend and he put her in the Georgia clinic for experimental treatment.  “It must be one hell of a clinic if they dress her like that,” says Mariah. 

 

Lauren clings to Michael and can’t believe Phyllis is here.  She can’t imagine what’s going through Sharon’s mind right now.  “Sharon’s worst enemy…materializes at the wedding??”  Obviously, Phyllis has an agenda, says Michael.  “That’s how you know she’s really BACK,” says Lauren.

 

Devon gives Neil a play-by-play.  All the Winters discuss whether the wedding is really official since the minister didn’t declare them man and wife.  I think you really just have to sign the marriage certificate, but the rules are kind of fluid in GC.  Lily’s like, what about the reception?!   I think you better open the bar ASAP.

 

Courtney’s on the phone with emergency services while Jack pets Phyllis’ face like a cat.  Avery says, “How does Phyllis wake up from a year long coma, travel from Georgia and show up at a wedding…THIS wedding, without anyone knowing?!”  Jack says they are going to find out!  Lily comforts Kelly.  Is she okay?  Ummmm…no.  She looks like she just got laid off.

 

Sharon and Nick look on, stunned.  Nikki says maybe it’s best to postpone the wedding that is 99% complete.  Nick’s like, that’s dumb.  He’s not postponing anything just because Phyllis passed out in the middle of it without even RSVPing.   Sharon lifts her skirts, and rushes out the front.  Nick follows.  Jack tells Phyllis help is on the way.  “Can you hear me, Red?  Can you hear me?”  Weeping Summer begs Phyllis to wake up. 

 

Abby’s leaving another angry message for Billy.  She tells him to drop whatever or WHOEVER he’s doing, and get over there.  “If Victoria is going into labor…it’s too.damn.soon.”  But she’s not, so who cares?  Victoria talks to her belly and says WHAT ISN’T high risk?  Anything worth having is.  Blah blah.

 

Sharon’s hyperventilating outside the church.  This was a really, really long wedding, because it’s night time now.  No wonder Phyllis had time to cry her way out of an “assault with a deadly weapon” charge, since it's practically a speeding ticket, amirite, and get there in time.  Nick says he’s sorry Phyllis ruined the wedding, but he has to ask…why did Sharon run away?  Could he not see that Phyllis was going to tear out Sharon's throat, Roadhouse style?

 

Avery’s heavy breathing in the church.  Nikki asks if she’s okay.  She’s thrilled and worried and other feelings.

 

Kevin and Mariah look after Faith.  She asks if Mommy and Daddy are married?  No, sweetheart, the devil woman ruined it.  But it could be soon, or any minute now, hopes Kevin.  Faith thinks this whole thing is a debacle!  Mariah gets down on her knees and takes Faith by the hands to comfort her.  “I know that you are worried..and confused..and you have no idea what’s going on.  Welcome to my world,” says Mariah, and she holds Faith tight.  Kevin is touched.

 

Courtney yells at the EMT’s for not being there yet.  “Come on, Phyllis,” says Jack.  “Come on, sweetheart, open those beautiful eyes.”  SHE DOES.  Summer and Avery gush.  “I always said you knew how to make an entrance,” says Jack.  Kelly slumps in misery.  “Thank God you’re back,” whispers Jack, “thank God.”  Or whatever power is living inside you.

[Joimiaroxeu]

She pulls out the angry tears and rants a bit on how this guy was a creeper.  He’ll drop the charges when he finds out she’ll go to trial and tell the WORLD what a predatory piece of human GARBAGE he is!  She will fill in his WIFE, his friends and family, what he tried to do to her when she was just escaped out of the hospital, sob.   She was defending herself so the trooper needs to call this guy and tell him that so he drops the charges.  Has Phyllis never seen Law & Order?  Or maybe I should ask if the writers have never seen it.

When has it ever happened that a cop comes to arrest someone for assault but they change their mind because the suspect makes even MORE threats against the victim? There are reasons why Law is separate from Order and it's not for a beat cop to decide on the fly not to act on a arrest warrant. I don't know what the point of that scene was other than to demonstrate that Phyllis is back to being able to work her wiles under pressure. Geez, I'm surprised we didn't see her being dropped off at the chapel in the officer's squad car. (And I'm guessing she changed clothes on the way there because at the motel she wasn't wearing a long gown--you could see her knees when she sat on the bed.)

[kia112]

These two killed me.  Tried very hard not to laugh so I didn't wake up my roommate.

 

But Phyllis is in God’s house now, and the power of Christ compels her to pass out on the floor.

 

When has it ever happened that a cop comes to arrest someone for assault but they change their mind because the suspect makes even MORE threats against the victim?

[LeftPhalange]

 

Lily comforts Kelly.  Is she okay?  Ummmm…no.  She looks like she just got laid off.

 

 

“I always said you knew how to make an entrance,” says Jack.  Kelly slumps in misery.

 

Did you see the look on Smelly's face? Did you? Did you savior it? I did. I bask in her misery. 

[ByTor]

 Kevin’s all drunk and says he doesn’t know Nick like everyone else does, like he’s not a son, or a stepson, or a son-in-law, and they’ve never shared any ex-wives (yet),

This is reminding me of something our own Stewedsquash had said on TWOP (I think it was Stewedsquash, sorry if it wasn't!!), that she wanted to see Nick & Jana get together.  That would have been interesting, plus they would have shared an ex-wife! Off topic, but I miss Jana.

Edited October 7, 2014 by ByTor

[movinon]

 

Sharon looks terrified.  Phyllis only has eyes for Sharon, and those eyes are shooting death rays.

Hopefully, this just means that Phyllis is remembering Sharon's saying that she changed the results at Cassie's grave, and the following argument and the fall down the stairs.  This would be simple anger and I can deal with that - I absolutely cannot deal with thinking that she would be attempting the go after the TGNN.  She would be well advised to stay from that liar and let Sharon deal with him.  I hope she goes after Kelly with a vengeance, and not even because poor dumb Kelly deserves it  No logic at all - just can't stand Kelly. 

[peach]

 Tue, Oct 7    Victoria Is Annoying

 

Phyllis is under sedation at the hospital, where I’m sure no harm can come from piling sedatives on top of the magic coma juice Victor flooded her with.  She’s surrounded by Summer, Avery, and Jack.  Kelly’s probably face down in a gutter somewhere.   Summer weeps because she has SO much to ask her, like could she hear them all those times, and also HOW THE HELL DID SHE GET HERE?  She’s so scared her eyes won’t open again.  Jack comforts her and says the worst is over unless you’re Sharon. 

 

Avery says this is incredible.  Her sister is back, and knowing Phyllis, she came back the only way she knew how, [to find Nick] making a grand entrance, and ruining a lot of people’s day.  How could they possibly forget, chuckles Jack.  There’s nothing so amusing as wrecking a wedding.

 

Nick is still outside the church begging Sharon to please TALK to him, tell him what’s going on.  Sharon’s agitated.  She says she just couldn’t be there in the church.  She couldn’t breathe or think.  Nick says the alien invasion was hard for everyone, but why did she panic?  Is it about the secret that she told Phyllis??  DUH!  “I don’t KNOW what she knows!” cries Sharon.  “And I can’t even remember because of the damn brain fryification!” 

 

Nick says it doesn’t matter.  Yes it does!  If Phyllis hadn’t collapsed she would have let them ALL in on it, and then—  Nick says, and then NOTHING.  Nothing is gonna change the way he feels about her, does she KNOW that??  Yeah…but seeing Phyllis again was what made her freak out, she thought she was hallucinating again!  I guess it would sure seem like that.  She thought she was losing herself and Nick too!  Nick’s like, hey, I get it, but we all saw that hallucination and it was REAL, which is even worse.  So she’s okay!  All her hallucinations are in the past.  “I don’t know if that’s true,” says Sharon.

 

Billy and Chelsea are back at her place laffing it up over the ridiculous date they had at a horrific fancy restaurant involving smoked oyster ice cubes.  “Never too late for pizza!” says Billy.  Chelsea’s super pumped about that!  The doorbell rings, and in storms THE Abby Newman.  “Oh, hi!  Did I have to track you down at your mistress’s house because you can’t answer your phone??  And you need to know, VICTORIA is in labor.”  Billy’s bummed.   He really wanted that pizza. 

 

Nikki rushes into Victoria’s hospital room.  She assures Nikki that it was JUST Braxton-Hicks contractions even though she’s in a hospital gown now, even though she’s getting released in a second.   Victoria feels so AWFUL about making this scene and running out on Nick.   Nikki’s like, yeaaaah, well she wasn’t the only one making a ruckus, the wedding didn’t go as planned.  Vicky’s like, what?  Did Nick back out? she asks hopefully.  No, there was “an interruption.”  Gasp.  Was it Dad?  Nope.  Nikki’s like, wait for it….it was PHYLLIS. 

 

Vicky’s confused…she’s like, you mean..literally?  How is that even possible?  Nikki says it may not  be possible but it sure as shit happened.   She came right into the church, walked down the aisle, and collapsed right in front of everybody.  Now she’s at Memorial, too, and Nikki hopes she pulls through for Summer’s sake.

 

Summer meets up with Austin in the waiting room, and Jack with Kelly, so she hasn’t walked in front of a bus yet.   Dr. Boring Shelby comes in.  Avery wants him to explain all of this!  He says they scanned her, and her brain activity is normal, so she’s still a terrifying bitch, no worries.   Summer asks why she collapsed at the church then?  Doc Bart figures it was traveling all those miles to get here, and she probably didn’t eat any breakfast , for like a year.  “When can we talk to her about THAT?” asks Jack.  Yeah, Avery has a lot of questions. 

 

Well, you guys know how Doc Bart feels about visitors and excitement.  He says the period after coming out of a coma can be confusing, especially when experiencing demon possession.  So, like, don’t overwhelm her with questions and information and shit.  Kelly listens, possibly thinking of a way to overwhelm her back into a coma.  “She might not be able to handle everything that has happened in her absence,” warns Doc Bart.  Jack looks at Kelly, like, okay, well, nice knowing ya.

 

“What are you saying?” Nick asks Sharon.  “Are you seeing Cassie again??”  She says you know I have.  Nick’s like, dreams totally don’t count!  Of course she’s dreaming about Cassie because they’re getting married, they would want Cassie to be a part of it.   “We were getting married,” says Sharon, sinking to her knees…(in front of Cassie’s grave?  Cassie’s buried in front of the church?)... “and I ruined it.  I ruined everything.”  NO, says Nick, you didn’t.  Obviously, PHYLLIS ruined it. 

 

“But we said what we needed to say.  I got to kiss my bride.  Nothing is ruined!  Even if it isn’t legal, finalizing this marriage is just a formality.”  He takes her hand and raises her up.  “Sharon, this is permanent.  WE are forever.”  LOVE IS GOING TO WIN, you guys!  She apologizes for running out of the church.  Faith and the kids, who knows what they’re thinking?

 

The kids are back at the cottage.  “I mean, holy crap,” says Mariah.  “That was nuts!  This Phyllis chick just wakes up from the dead and shows up at a wedding?”  Noah looks totally depressed.   This trick has ruined his life before.  Faith is totally upset because the minister didn’t say “husband and wife” like in the movies!  All is lost!  She thought that penny would bring good luck.  Noah tries to spin it and say it was good luck for Summer because her mom was sick and got better, and then came and created a traumatic childhood memory for you! 

 

Mariah reminds her they aren’t going to believe in superstitions anymore, they don’t need magic to fix this, they just need lawyers.  Magic is for poors.  Faith says, but I wanted Mommy and Daddy to get married!  Mariah says, and I wanted a pink pony with braids.  Me, too! says Faith.  Ha.  Noah says Mom and Dad love each other SO MUCH that they don’t even know when other people are in the room!  So “husband and wife” or whatever, they are going to be together FOREVER.

 

Chelsea says it’s too early for the baby!  Billy says it’s not due for another month.  He knows what happened!  It was that damn bachelorette party and everyone getting arrested!  The Newmans are clearly to blame.  OR, Abby says, the baby just thought it was time, and since her money is on him being the baby daddy, she thought he should know.  There was certainly NO reason to find out what the doctor said first.   Abby guesses he was..too busy.. to answer the phone. 

 

So is he driving, or is she?  Billy’s like I won’t be driving…because I’m not leaving.  Abby is STUNNED!  She’s like don’t let Chelsea standing there make you act like a zombie, you’re baby might be being born!  Billy’s like, and she picked YOU to be her birthing coach.  They’re divorced!  She doesn’t WANT him there, and he’s not going to go stress her out.  Abby can’t believe Billy would believe anything Victoria says, but he does.  She wants Abby, so Abby should go. 

 

She leaves, saying, CONGRATULATIONS, to Chelsea.  “You just kept a man from bringing his child into the world.  Well done.”  Chelsea tells Billy he HAS to go.  It might be his baby!  He says, or Stitch’s.  Whatever.  He needs to do this for his own sake, for the baby’s.  “Don’t miss this chance, Billy.  You might not get it again.”

 

Meanwhile, Victoria is having the time of her life gossiping with Nikki about the story of the year.   Vicky definitely is hearing what she wants to hear.  So, Sharon left Nick at the altar!  Nikki’s like, it wasn’t quite like that, the altar was kind of full of some weird bullshit, and Sharon just excused herself.  It was very unusual circumstances.  “See, that’s just it, that’s just Sharon.  She doesn’t react like a rational person!” to a crazed ex-comatose woman storming her wedding ceremony. 

 

Speaking of not rational, Victoria rants that instead of focusing on Nick’s exwife and Summer’s mom who has just recovered from a terrible illness in the center of the aisle, she ran off and tried to make HER WEDDING ALL ABOUT HER.  Nikki’s like, you really had to be there.  It wasn’t a plea for attention, it was a normal instinctual reaction to Phyllis showing up in her OWN wedding dress like a total psychopath.  Victoria bitches dramatically some more about how badly Sharon treats Nick and never puts him first.  BLAH BLAH, ooh, aaah, contraction.  Nikki tells her she can’t be her brother’s protector tonight, she has to protect that baby.   Vicky complains that they haven’t brought her release papers yet instead of getting dressed.

 

Summer weeps next to Phyllis’ bed, saying she’s prayed for this day for so long.  Sure, everyone else gave up to make it stop hurting, but Summer never gave up.  And then you walked in like an angel (of death) and pushed me aside to get to Sharon, and now I can’t lose you again, I can’t lose you!  Phyllis suddenly opens her eyes!  Like, how did I get here?  Summer has her face in the covers, and Phyllis slowly puts her hand on Summer’s hair.  She looks up!  “I’m here, baby,” she whispers.  “To stay.”  Now where the hell is Sharon?

 

Abby comes blustering back into Victoria’s room with magazines and soothing music!  Is she stressed?!  Don’t be stressed!!  Victoria is NOT stressed, she’s just annoying.  At least she isn’t really in labor.  Abby is SO RELIEVED since she needs more time to prepare and also, her shoes are NOT fluid friendly.   Victoria snarks that aren’t they lucky that the baby knew it was bad timing for ABBY.  Sorry, I’m on the side of fluid friendly shoes.  Vicky complains about all her problems and how she’s going to be ALONE, after begging everyone to leave her ALONE, waah, complain, rant, blah.  Abby says don’t be mad, but she kind of told Billy she was in labor.  “Let me guess, he was with Chelsea.”  Waah.

 

Billy ordered the damn pizza.  Chelsea is aggravated because Billy is SO stubborn, like she didn’t already know this.  She insists he go to the hospital.  Why, so he can thumb wrestle Stitch over who gets to hold the baby first?  Ha.  She says Victoria will be scared, and he can help her.  Or make her crazy like he always does, argues Billy.  Then he should lay low in the waiting room…and if she calls for him, he can get to her.  “And if she doesn’t?”  Then you come to me for consolation sex like always.  Why is he making this so hard?  But first he can wait a meet a new baby boy or girl.

 

Nikki stops by Phyllis’ waiting room to check on those folks.  Avery says Summer is with her, and it’s all so unreal.  “For all of us,” muses Jack.  He feels almost numb…his brain still can’t make sense of it.  Ummm, yeah, says Nikki, glancing over at Kelly and Austin.  So much has, um, changed since last year.   Phyllis has no idea.  Jack looks at Kelly, too.  Awkward.  “The world kept turning,” he says sadly, “for everyone but Phyllis.  Now she’s back…what’s next?”

 

Phyllis mumbles to Summer that it’s all okay.  Summer cries and says she was supposed to go to the clinic.  She could have been there with her and brought her home, she’s so sorry.  “I made it, didn’t  I?”  Summer climbs in the bed with her and holds her.  “I love you!”  “I love you, too, Super Girl.”  Now where the hell is Sharon?  “I need to see your father,” so get out of my bed and go find him.  Ah, but which one?

 

Billy comes running down the hospital hallway.  Jack runs into him and there is confusion.  Billy thinks Abby wants the baby to see all Abbotts when it comes.  Jack’s like, Victoria’s in labor??  Billy’s like wait, why are you here?  Phyllis woke up!  Billy’s like, did they transfer her here?  No, wait for it…she showed up at Nick and Sharon’s wedding.  Billy laughs and says she picked up right where she left off, starting trouble.   Then he’s like, um, uh..I say that with love.  Jack knows that, so they hug. 

 

Summer comes out and hugs Billy, too.  He says he heard the FANTASTIC news!  Summer says it’s about to get even MORE FANTASTIC!  Phyllis wants to see Jack now!  Kelly drinks coffee and stares into the black void of her future.  “Don’t leave her hanging,” says Billy, “heads will roll!”  “Yeah, that’s who she is,” says Jack wistfully, thinking he really kind of liked Kelly.  Too bad they have to cut her head off now.  “Hey, the woman that you love found her way back to where she belongs.”  Indeed she did, says Jack.  Kelly stares like the sad Native American who hates pollution.  Pollution like Phyllis.

 

Jack goes in Phyllis’ room.  “Hey, Red.”  Red gives him a side glance.  Oh..it’s just Jack.  “Were you expecting someone else?” he asks.  Sort of.  Maybe Kelly gets to keep her head.

 

Nick and Sharon get home.  “MOMMY!” shouts Faith.  “Why did you run away??”  For crying out loud, she just went OUTSIDE.  “I don’t know how many weddings you’ve been to, Faith, but THAT one was a little bit different,” says Mariah.  She explains to Faith that the way Summer’s mom showed up was really crazy, and everyone was SUPER surprised, and that goes double for Sharon.  Sharon seems grateful for that explanation, and says yes, she was just shocked to see Phyllis and didn’t mean to scare her. 

 

Faith asks why Phyllis fell down and didn’t get up?  Because good overcomes evil.  Nick says she’s with the doctors now.  Noah says Austin texted him and said Phyllis is sedated but her tests look good.  Nick hopes they get a hold of Daniel right away, it’s just awful losing time with someone you love that you can’t get back.   Sharon takes Faith to change clothes.  Mariah gets yogurt. 

 

Nick explains to Noah that Sharon panicked when she saw Phyllis because she thought it was an hallucination.  He’s like, OMG, no wonder she freaked out!  He thought he was seeing things himself.  Nick says Sharon’s also afraid that Phyllis is going to spill her secret.  Noah hopes she does.  He just wants it out in the open so they can move past it.  Nick’s with him on that.  HOW BAD COULD IT BE?  Noah says Faith’s freaking out about the “husband and wife” part.  Nick says they will take care of that ASAP, and they are going to be together forever and ever, and NOTHING is going to change that.

 

Abby admits that Billy was with Chelsea.  Vicky says that’s not news.  Abby’s glad to know the baby is okay so she can finally go off on her for pushing Billy into another woman’s arms.  “You threw him out, made ME your labor coach, you basically SHOVED him at Chelsea!”  Vicky says she did not.  They are divorced and can see who they want to, and he CHOSE Chelsea.  Abby’s like whatever, Mom and Dad get divorced like it’s their hobby, but they STILL want to be together.  And FYI, Billy does not CARE about Chelsea. 
Vicky says she is WRONG about that.  They have A Connection, because they’ve both done terrible things so having that in common is like a RELIEF for them!  They can be their terrible, horrible selves with each other.  Plus, Chelsea’s already been with Adam, so being with Billy is like a cake walk for her! 

 

Abby tells her she DID tell Billy she was in labor.  “Then where IS he?”  Well, you SAID you didn’t want him here!  Vicky says that’s because he makes everything too complicated!  Omg, SHUT UP.  Just then, Billy comes flying through the door.  Abby smiles and books it out of there so Billy can get fluid on HIS shoes.  Billy says she can throw him out if she wants to, but he has to know if she and the baby are okay.  Vicky stares.  She seems satisfied.

 

She tells him it was just false labor and the baby is safe.  Billy talks to Vicky’s belly and says she doesn’t need the stress, yo, so settle down.  Billy says she needs to take care of herself and let the world take care of itself for a while.  He fawns over her and offers to drive her home, but she reminds him that Abby interrupted his evening, so he can go.  Her mom is there.  Now that she got what she wanted, which was for him to run there, he can leave.  He’s like, well, um, okay.  As long as she’s okay.  He gets up, and Victoria at least says thank you for coming.  She watches sadly as he leaves like SHE TOLD HIM TO.

 

Chelsea looks at her sad pizza for one.

 

Sharon comes down in her robe and talks to Mariah, who explains how she talked Faith down from her penny jinxing worries.  Sharon says she’s a pretty good big sister.  Mariah says she couldn’t tell her the real reason Sharon took off, could she?  Phyllis knows her secret about Nick, and she knows it’s all going to come out sooner or later.  “And yes, I will do what I can for Faith, because she’s gonna need it when all of this hits the fan.”

 

Jack talks about missing Phyllis’ beautiful eyes.  Phyllis says she’s exhausted.  “Evidently, I had a really long nap.”  She can’t believe it’s been a whole year.  Jack tells her she needs to rest and they can talk about everything later.  “About Summer?” says Phyllis.  Yep!  Summer missed her so much!  And having her with him was a GIFT.  “You love her,” observes Phyllis.  Jack’s eyes fill with tears. “Always have.  But knowing that she was MINE, or that you and I made this beautiful young woman, well having her with me meant the world to me.  I think she likes having me in her life, too, especially when I bought her an apartment.”  Phyllis watches him uncomfortably.  Jack says he and Summer got each other through this.  He could have gone back to the pills…but he could never do that to his daughter.

 

Noah and Mariah show up at work because I guess they didn’t have the whole night off for the reception.  Noah asks how Mom is, but Mariah says she can’t get inside Sharon’s head and doesn’t want to.  Abby comes popping through the door.  She wants champagne to CELEBRATE!  Jack has Phyllis back, so Kelly can move on to another set of brothers, Billy and Victoria are bonding over Braxton-Hicks, and Nick and Sharon still aren’t legally wed!  Silver linings all around!” 

 

Noah isn’t amused.  He says if anyone deserves to be happy, it’s his parents.  She’s like, whatever, Noah, you’re doing what you’ve been doing for years, caring about your family, uh, trying to look after your mom since she can’t do it herself.  Well, she can, she will, and Nick will find someone else to be happy with.  “Abby…I’m not doing this with you.”  He walks away.  ABBY acts offended after she just insulted his own mom.

 

She looks at Mariah and says, “You know I’m right, right? YOU’VE seen Sharon.  She makes herself out to be this victim while she ruins lives around her.  You were right to keep your distance.”  Mariah says she doesn’t need a pat on the back from ABBY for having common sense.  Mariah knows Sharon and what she’s done.  She’s not a victim.

 

Nick and Sharon comfort Faith.  She says it’s okay, she knows they’re meant to be together forever.  She’ll get another party soon.   They send her to bed, and Nick tells Sharon not to do it, not to go down that dark hole again.  There is nothing that Phyllis knows that could hurt them.  What about what CREAMY NUDE knows??  Nick says they are meant to be together forever.  Maybe they could just scroll that across the bottom of the screen for the whole hour.

 

Oh noes, we haven’t talked about Dylan for two days!  So Avery tells Nikki that Dylan hates being in a cell because he can’t check on Victoria.   Yeah, I’m sure that’s what he hates about it.  Nikki announces loudly in the hallway that she just hates people believing he’s a murderer!  Thank God it’s ALL AN ACT.   It’s all so much to handle.  Now she has to get Victoria out of there.

 

Avery tells Summer she’s been trying to reach Daniel but he’s in a remote region of Europe with no cell service.  But golly gee, was he right to pick that clinic!  Except for their “release protocol” because that seems pretty unconventional.  Austin thinks it’s REALLY WEIRD and shouldn’t someone have called?  Avery thinks there is no time like the present to look into that!  Summer cries and tells Austin she has everything now:  him, her mom, her two dads.  It’s all too good, she doesn’t want this moment to end.  They hug.

 

Kelly walks around slowly in the Abbott manse…looking at everything she didn’t get to redecorate.  She has a flashback to the time Jack was leaving to break up with Phyllis.   And when he got back they were going to let the past GO.  All that will matter is our future together.  Believe it!  She collapses on the arm of the sofa and does the silent crying thing.

 

Jack tells Phyllis how amazing and brave and strong Summer is.  And Nick is super awesome, too.  Sure, he had words with him the other night about the DNA test, but it’s all good now.  Nick loves Summer, too, and that means something.  “Jack…there’s something you have to know.”

 

Nikki shows back up to pick up Victoria, who has a different cool dress on, I guess she just keeps them in her purse.  She is ready to leave, she has too much work to do to be sitting in the hospital.  Weren’t you supposed to be at a wedding reception?  Nikki thinks she should come stay at the ranch while Victor’s out of town, and she can help with Johnny.  That’s the point, Dad’s out of town, she should be at the office!  The office can wait, insists Nikki!  Victoria can do it all!  Alone!  Because she has to!  Whatever!

 

Billy’s back at Chelsea’s door because he can never, ever be alone.  He says Vicky was a false alarm, but Jack’s life got super complicated, and he needs pizza and to tell this wild ass story to somebody!  She grins and says of course!  Stay! Eat! Talk!  He comes in with a deep breath and smiles.  “Back where I need to be,” he says. 

 

Jack says there’s plenty of time to tell him whatever, but right now she needs to recover.  “Not here,” she says.  Honey, you don’t want to go back to that whack clinic!!  “No..I want to go home.”  Jack’s like, ooo, that’s kinda crowded right now. 

 

Nick tells Sharon that she is his wife in every that matters except the legal way.  He wants to talk it out until she’s convinced Phyllis doesn’t know anything that can hurt them.   Unless..?  Does Sharon remember???

[Joimiaroxeu]

Abby’s like whatever, Mom and Dad get divorced like it’s their hobby, but they STILL want to be together. 

Wait, what? I wasn't paying full attention but why would Abby say this? Her mom is Ashley, not Nikki.

 

Plus, Chelsea’s already been with Adam, so being with Billy is like a cake walk for her!

Ugh, I do remember that crack. I wish Victoria would say that to Chelsea's face. I'd be rooting for a pregnant woman to get punched in the throat.

[LeftPhalange]

 

Omg, SHUT UP.

 

I think I speak for all/most of us when I say SHUT THE FUCK UP VICKI. Just stop everything you're doing and saying and SHUT THE FUCK UP. 

[crosby777]

 

I would hire peach in a heartbeat. Totally mean it. This is some pro level snark

Best recaps on the net.. Hilarious stuff.. we love you peach and thank you

[movinon]

 

Summer asks why she collapsed at the church then?  Doc Bart figures it was traveling all those miles to get here, and she probably didn’t eat any breakfast , for like a year.

 

Peach - seems like a year, but it's only been 2 days, I know.  His whole thing is hysterical, but this is my favorite, at the moment.

[movinon]

 

 

“I always said you knew how to make an entrance,” says Jack.  Kelly slumps in misery.

Did you see the look on Smelly's face? Did you? Did you savior it? I did. I bask in her misery.

LeftPhalange - You crack me up every time you post.  I must have read this 20 times, and it's still funny.  I hate Kelly too, but I could never manage the energy you put into it.  Keep 'em coming - lmao 

[peach]

Best recaps on the net.. Hilarious stuff.. we love you peach and thank you

I really appreciate that coming from you, @crosby777 since I know how much you hate Sharon, and you tolerate my lurve for her.  lol

 

Wait, what? I wasn't paying full attention but why would Abby say this? Her mom is Ashley, not Nikki.

 

You know, it was late, and I guess I wasn't paying full attention either.  She must have said YOUR Mom and Dad. 

Edited October 9, 2014 by peach

[peacheslatour]

Well, to be fair Ashley and Victor have been married and divorced a few times too.

[Joimiaroxeu]

Well, to be fair Ashley and Victor have been married and divorced a few times too.

Yes but even Abby doesn't believe they still want to be together--at least not unless all their other options are literally dead. It's show canon now that Victor and Nikki are each other's soulmates.

Edited October 9, 2014 by Joimiaroxeu

[crosby777]

 

I really appreciate that coming from you, @crosby777 since I know how much you hate Sharon, and you tolerate my lurve for her.  lol

You write it so unbiasedly that all I do is giggle . 

[peach]

Wed, Oct 8      You Just Need To Rest

 

Nick wants Sharon to TALK to him.  She’s just stunned because one minute Phyllis was unconscious, and then next, there she was like the spawn of Satan, ruining everything as usual.  Nick asks if seeing her triggered something.  Does she remember what the secret is?  “NO,” says Sharon, “but I need to know if Phyllis DOES.”  I’m sure she’ll be happy to oblige you.

 

Kelly wraps herself up in a blanket of doom and sinks into the couch so she can remember what it feels like later and to feel horribly sorry for herself.  She has a flashback to being in bed with Jack that very morning, and him telling her she gets to redecorate the whole house, starting with that bedroom.  “In no time, this place will be yours.”  Only it turned out to be AT no time will this place be yours.  Kelly heaves sighs.

 

Phyllis feels alien stirrings and almost bolts out of bed again, and Jack’s like where do you think you’re going?  She told him, she wants to GO HOME, with him.   He says she’s not well enough to leave the hospital!  And she’s still all woozy from the sedative.  She’s like, so?  She’ll sleep all night, in THEIR bed.  Well, okay, but Kelly gets the middle.  She doesn’t want to spend ANOTHER night in a crummy hospital.  Jack understands but he thinks it would be better that she just stay there for tonight.  Phyllis is like…why?  Because he really needs Mrs. Martinez to change the sheets.  Phyllis insists she’s okay, but Jack says he wants to hear that from a DOCTOR first.  Phyllis is a lot of things, but she is not stupid.  She frowns and says, “What’s going on, Jack?  Why won’t you take me home?”  Jack flaps his mouth in a completely unsuspicious manner.

 

Lily’s on the phone at the club canceling stuff since Shick’s wedding reception isn’t happening.  Thanks, Phyllis.  They are totally not getting their money back.  Lily tells Cane this is SO sad about the wedding.  I mean, she’s happy for Phyllis and her family, but not for her party getting wrecked, dammit.  Cane says it’s a miracle she came out of the coma.  It’s going to change a lot of people’s lives, and not all for the good.  “That’s what happens when someone you love comes back into your life,” says Lily.  You lose your deposits.

 

Superman/Joe stares at a photo of himself with Avery while hanging out in Crimson Lights.  He calls someone and says he’s still in Genoa City and has decided to wait on the proposal.  He claims he needs to pave the way, talk to the business owners about getting excited on selling.  Trust him on this one.   We see his tablet so we KNOW he’s talking about Crimson Lights, and apparently Fluffy Friends is on the chopping block, too.  He expects his trip here to be very worthwhile.

 

Avery is letting the coma clinic have it over the phone.  She says to remind Dr. Burnett that Phyllis’ sister is an ATTORNEY.  Dr. Burnett is probably dead, courtesy of Victor Newman.  Summer wakes up on Austin’s shoulder in a panic.  She needs to check on her mom!!!  Austin calms her and says Jack is with Phyllis, and everything’s okay.  Summer asks Avery if she got any information on why nobody notified them about Phyllis or how she got there?  She says she can’t get a straight answer, but someone WILL be held accountable for this! 

 

Harding is hanging around the interrogation room door, and he isn’t happy.  He tells Courtney the chief’s in there, interrogating his own son.  “That’s gotta suck,” says Courtney.  “You’d think,” says Harding, but something is obviously NOT adding up to him. 

 

Paul and Dylan are so very clever that they aren’t even PRETENDING Paul is interrogating him, they’re playing penny ante poker and laughing it up.  Why not crack open a couple of beers, bro?  Nobody’ll catch on.  Dylan starts worrying about this plan, like maybe Nikki will get hurt, or it will blow up in their faces and ruin Paul’s reputation.  And also, how is Paul winning every hand?  He takes off his jacket and gets comfortable, saying he likes playing on the RIGHT side of the rules.  “Even now, when you’re bending’em?”  Especially now, says Paul, which makes no sense.

 

Avery comes storming into Crimson Lights, yelling into her phone that she wants that doctor to CALL her ASAP, she wants answers!  Joe notices.  “Avery?!  Are you okay?”  Her demeanor totally changes.  “Joe!...You’re still in town.”  He says she seems upset, but Avery insists she’s fine.  “You know, you used to be a better liar,” he says.  Ouch.  You’re right, people, he does sound like Puddy.  Avery’s just flustered because her comatose sister just showed up.  He says, that’s good, right?  She says yes, but it’s overwhelming.  He thinks it must be VERY overwhelming to have her sister randomly show up the same week her boyfriend got charged with murder.  She didn’t happen to mention that when they spoke.  Kind of nunya business, Joe, but Avery’s face looks pretty guilty.

 

Dylan is getting tired of playing cards.  He doesn’t know how much more of this waiting he can take.  Fifteen minutes is a super long time.  Paul says he IS going to take it, because he’s not going to let him get convicted for a murder he didn’t commit.  Dylan asks why he’s willing to risk so much for him.  Um, because he’s innocent and wants to nail Ian Ward?  Dylan wants him to get honest.
He says when he found out Nikki was his mom, he also got a brother and sister.  Now it turns out he has other siblings.  He knows he’ll never get to know crazy Ricky.  And Heather is just a name, but he does have something in common with them.  None of them got to know Paul until they got older.  Paul tries to keep playing cards, but Dylan stops him.  “Is that why you’re willing to risk everything?”  Gee, nothing gets past you, Dylan. 

 

Harding knocks on the door.  They hurry to hide their cards and spare change.  Harding asks if Paul wants him to take over for a while.  Nah, that’s not necessary.  Harding eyes the recorder on the table.  He clearly thinks nothing about this is kosher, but he leaves.  He seems a little depressed.  Clever Dylan thinks Harding knows something’s up!  Ah, Paul will deal with him.  He’ll just make sure the recorder “accidentally” erased before he hears anything.  Nothing suspicious about that!  Also…they’re actually recording this.  Excellent plan. 

 

Paul wants to play Five Card Draw, but Dylan keeps pushing.  If he was just some guy at the coffee house, and not his son, would he still risk everything?  Of course not, dumbass.  Why are you even asking such a stupid question, ON a recording, no less.  Paul says, “I guess we’ll never know.” 

Summer whines about wishing she could do something for her mom.  Wait!  She just thought of something that will make her mom feel a thousand times better!!  I can’t even IMAGINE something as awful as Summer will come up with.

 

Nick tells Sharon she needs to STOP this.  This secret is running her life.  She thinks about it all day, has nightmares about it when she’s asleep, and NOW she thinks PHYLLIS is going to use it to hurt them?  She’s like, HELLO?  It’s PHYLLIS!!  Remember HER?  “She would use anything she has against me if she can.”  Nick’s like whatever, let’s think about finishing what we started in the church.   She’ll try.  Okay, he wants her to rest, while he just runs over to see Phyllis.  She’s like WHAT?!  NO!  Omg, Nick, are you insane?

 

Phyllis wants to know why Jack is trying to keep her in the hospital.  He insists she is weak and needs to rest until the doctors say she’s okay.  She is NOT WEAK!  He’s like, okay, wrong choice of words, but she has to get better first.  “I have THINGS to do, I have PEOPLE to talk to, so much has happened, Jack,” she says through gritted teeth.  He knows a lot has happened.  He doesn’t even know how she got here from Georgia.  So she tells him all about it.  Just kidding, she says “There’s been too much pain.”  He knows, but it’s gonna take some time, and she’ll get stronger and she can forget all about--  “I don’t WANT to forget!” she spits.  “I have to tell you what happened.”  He’s like, what do you mean?

 

Avery didn’t say anything to Joe about Dylan being in jail because he’s innocent.  Duh.  Joe says that’s now what the papers are saying.  “Well, don’t believe everything you read, Joe!!”  He’s like, whoa, he’s not looking to start a fight.  Then what IS he doing here?  He said it was just a quick business trip.  He says these real estate deals take time, but he’ll heading back to Chicago shortly.  He was just worried about her, geez.  She says that’s not necessary, and soon the truth will come out, and Dylan will be cleared.  Joe says with Avery by his side, he can’t lose.  He’ll be in town a few more days, so if she, uh, needs a friend, give him a call.  Avery doesn’t think that’s gonna happen.  Hmm, I do.

 

Avery weeps on the couch, and Lily calls to see how she’s doing.  Kelly’s been crying so much she sounds all stuffed up, and says Jack’s still at the hospital with Phyllis.  Lily offers to come over and be with her, but Kelly says, no…that’s okay…she should get used to being alone.  Lily feels so sorry.  Kelly says don’t be, she’s just so..happy<sob> for Jack and Summer, and it’s so amazing that Phyllis recovered like this, it’s what everybody…wanted.    Lily’s like, but you…  Kelly insists she’s fine.  Lily hangs up and says Kelly’s lying, this is absolutely killing her.  Cane says it must be hard on Jack, too.  Lily remembers when she thought she lost Cane, but she really hadn’t, because he’s a sick liar.  He says if he remembers correctly, she wanted to strangle him.  She laughs, and says AFTER THAT, when they just started having sex at work all day.

 

Sharon is like WTH, Nick?  WHY are you so insistent about seeing Phyllis?!  She HAS her family!  And you are not in it.  “Sharon, I still care about her.  She is still Summer’s mother.  And the last time I saw her she was lying unconscious on a church floor.”  Oh, boo fucking hoo.  Sharon’s like, this IS still our wedding day, even if we didn’t get to the legal part, so she thought they’d at least spend the day together, and that he wouldn’t be hanging out with F’ING PHYLLIS!   

 

“When I get home, we’ll spend the REST of the night together.”  How generous.  “And after that, we’ll spend the rest of our lives together.”  Love is NOT going to win, you guys.  He tells Sharon to just take a rest, while he goes for a chat with her mortal enemy.  Yeah, Sharon, just rest.

 

Phyllis takes Jack’s hand.  “I can’t be sure,” she says quietly.  She doesn’t know what’s real, and what’s not.  She was out of it for so long.  Jack says it’s going to take a while to sort it all out.  She says some things are so clear..and other things are fuzzy.  Jack can’t imagine how it feels to lose a year of your life.  He knows she wants to pick up where she left off, but that may not be possible.  A lot’s changed in the last year.  She stares at him. “Like what?” 

 

He’s like, we don’t need to talk about this right now, you need to rest.  Yeah, everybody just needs to REST instead of asking all these damn questions.  “Noo, I need to know things,” says Phyllis.   Like wth is up with Nick and Sharon getting married?  He says that’s one of those changes, and there are others, other, um, people, who have, um changed and are..together now.  She’s like, who?  Spill the dirt, man. 

 

Avery gets to the station and breathlessly tells Dylan that “something” happened at the wedding, and there was no wedding.  He asks if Victor stopped it.  No, she’s like, wait for it…PHYLLIS.  Dylan is super confused.  Avery says she just showed up at the ceremony.  “To say that we’re all shocked is an understatement.”  Paul asks how she got to Genoa City.  That’s what Avery’s trying to find out, and she’s hoping Paul can help her get answers.  He’ll see what he can find out. 

 

Dylan tells Avery he hates being locked up!  He feels like the walls are closing in on him, playing cards with Paul all day!  He just gets frustrated because as long as he’s in there, he can’t help Avery or Nikki.  He can’t do a damn thing for anybody!  Somehow I think that is part of the plan.  Avery says that’s not true, he can do something for her now.  She falls in his arms and cries.

 

Kelly continues her death vigil at the living room desk when Summer comes in.  She seems super surprised to see Kelly, like, oh, you still exist?  Kelly asks how her mom is.  The doctor says once she gets some rest she should be doing okay.  “Well, that is just wonderful,” says Kelly as sincerely as she can.  Summer talks about how amazing it was to see Phyllis open her eyes and to hear her voice, she wants her to talk forever.  

 

Kelly’s surprised Summer left the hospital, but it’s okay because JACK is with her now.  He’s barely left her side since she collapsed.  Kelly closes her eyes while Summer sticks the knife in as far as it will go.  She wants Summer to know she really IS happy for BOTH of them, okay?  And for Phyllis.  Summer’s like, gosh, Kelly, I know this is hard for you, and I don’t want to make it any harder, but can you just GTFO now?  I can only think of my mom right now.  Thinking of more than one thing is super hard.  “Of course.  You should.”  Idiot Summer is just there to get some of Phyllis’ clothes, like that peach robe she keeps in the closet.  Kelly’s like…sweetheart…that shit is in storage. 

 

Phyllis is getting good and interested now.  “Besides Nick and Sharon reconciling, what else has happened since my accident?”  “Oh, God, so much.”  Jack says she’s not ready to hear this right now.  “I need to Jack.  I need to get my life back,” she says ominously.  Okay, where to start?  Hey, the GCAC has a rooftop bar now!  And there’s a great new Thai restaurant downtown.  She says, “Jack..we’ve worked at Restless Style and Jabot.  I’ve seen you charm a client to keep from mentioning the cost.  What’s the cost here, Jack?”  Jack is scared to death.  “Phyllis, you have to understand something.”  “Just.Tell.Me.”  She glares.  Okaaaay…but he’s saved by NICK.

 

Nick just lets himself in without permission or a knock, because he has turned back into a douche today.  “You always gotta be the center of attention, don’t you?” he says.  And you let her.  Phyllis shrugs with satisfaction.  “Some things never change.”  Nick says, “Nice to see you, though that seems grossly inadequate.”  No, it just seems gross.  She says it’s nice to see him, too.   “In fact, I’ve been wanting to speak with you.”  Yeah, I think the whole town picked up on that.  “Here I am,” says Nick.  “ALONE,” says Phyllis.   Jack’s starts remembering how great this always turns out.

 

Sharon’s resting.  She’s having the creepy dream version of the wedding.  Nick says wedding vows to her and is putting the ring on her finger.  The church doors whoosh open, and Phyllis stands there with her wind machine and spotlight.  “Phyllis?” says Nick.  “FINISH!” cries Sharon. “I thee wed!  Say it!”  But he starts dream walking down the aisle toward Phyllis.  She meets him in the center of the aisle and whispers in his ear.   He turns and glares.  It’s really kind of creepy.  “Nick, no!” cries Sharon.  He holds the wedding band out and drops it on the floor!  “NOOOOO!” screams Sharon.  She bolts awake!

 

Jack tells Phyllis she’s going to have plenty of time to talk to Nick LATER.  She just needs to REST.  Phyllis gets mad and says SHE is the best judge of what she should and should not be doing!  Nick says he sees that being out of commission for a year hasn’t taken away any of the fire.  He says this without enthusiasm.  Jack presses his lips together.  “She’s been through a lot, Nick.  Take it slow.”  Nick says he’ll keep it to sports, the weather, his bride’s deepest, darkest secret.  Jack leaves. 

 

Phyllis’ eyes gleam.  He asks what they should talk about.  “You,” says Phyllis softly.  Sharon aside, wasn’t he getting ready to marry HER SISTER before she went to Sleepyland?  “Sorry I interrupted your wedding,” she says coquettishly.  Nick kind of laughs.  “No you’re not.”  She smiles.

 

Courtney’s talking to Austin in the waiting room about how Phyllis got there.  Jack joins them.  She talked to the state police, and a trooper was sent to arrest Phyllis for assaulting a dude who picked her up hitchhiking.  Jack’s like, WHAT??  Courtney says Phyllis kept insisting she was just defending herself.  When he found out who Phyllis WAS and she would press charges against him, he just dropped the whole thing.  This transpired in a hotel room because laws are for poors.  “That must have been what she was trying to tell me,” says Jack.  Sure it was.  As weak as Phyllis was, she managed to fend off that perfectly healthy creep.  “She must have REALLY wanted to get home to you, Mr. Abbott,” says newbie Austin.  Jack’s like…yeah.

 

Summer whimpers, “You put my mom’s things in STORAGE?”  Kelly insists that JACK decided to, after Kelly threw a fit.  “This is my mom’s home!  This is MY MOM’S home!”  Kelly says they weren’t trying to HURT anybody.  “Well how do you think she’s going to feel when she finds out what you diiiid?” whines Summer.  Uh, that’s not the only thing they did.  Summer looks down and notices the fabric swatches.  Omg, that wasn’t the only change they were going to make!  Kelly says they had NO IDEA Phyllis was just going to show up like this!  They at least expected a phone call!  “I TRIED TO TELL ALL OF OF YOU!  I told ALL OF YOU that my mom was coming back, but NO ONE believed me, including Jack!”  Kelly says the doctors said there was NO HOPE!  The doctors were WRONG!

 

Kelly says she does understand, she knows what it’s like to lose a parent.  Summer gets that this is hard for Kelly because she loves Jack, and Jack, um…really cares about her.  But her parents have loved each other since before Summer was born, except for all the times she was loving Nick so you still have a chance.  She doesn’t want to see Kelly hurt because she’s been so supportive of Summer and Austin, and she WAS good for Jack when Phyllis was sick, but now Mama is home.  She has to understand that things are going to be different now.  She’s sorry.  Summer leaves.  Kelly hurls her fabric swatches across the room!

 

Avery tells Dylan she knows she agreed to go along with this plan to flush out Ian, but what if something goes wrong?  Dylan would rather talk about Phyllis.  Avery cries tears of sisterly LOVE and can’t tell him what it felt like to see her standing in that church.  Blah Phyllis blah.  Determined and inspiring.  Blah.  Dylan wonders why Avery’s never given up on HIM.  He’s been a lost cause more than once, and she’s always been there for him instead of with Superman.  Avery must just like’em needy.

 

Cane introduces Lily to Joe.  He knows Joe from way back, they’re real estate bros.  They did a deal together in Chicago when Cane was with Newman-Chancellor.  Joe says Cane wasn’t exaggerating about how beautiful Lily is, so she likes him a whole bunch.  Cane warns Lily that Joe is quite the charmer.   So what’s he doing in town?  Oh, he wants to tear down your stupid club.  They laugh. Cane says there’s a new proprietor and he doesn’t want to sell, unless you catch him when he’s drunk and stupid over Hilary.  Yeah, he’s my brother, says Lily, so he won’t sell and leave them out of a job.  They laugh.  “Hmm,” says Joe.  Cane says "hmm" means to watch out.  Joe just thinks there is so much to learn about this city full of rubes.  It gets more interesting all the time.

 

Jack thanks Courtney for finding out what she could.  He asks where Summer is, and Austin says she went to do something for her mom.  “I keep hearing what a force Phyllis is,” Austin says nervously.  “I guess I’m about to find out.”  Hold on to your zipper.  He’s not sure if Phyllis ever heard them about getting married, so he doesn’t know if she knows.  Courtney says then be prepared for the wrath of Phyllis!  Jack’s too distracted to listen to this, he has something to do.  He rushes into the hallway and calls Kelly, who’s moved to a wing chair to weep in.  I guess she’s going to curse each piece of furniture with her tears before she leaves.  She looks at her phone and puts it down.  Jack doesn’t leave a message, and leaves.

 

Oh, Phyllis, so girlish with Nick.  “You make it sound like I came to the church to cause trouble.”  He says well she didn’t show up in that dress to pray.   She chuckles.  “I needed to make an entrance…as dramatic as the exit I made last year.”  He asks if she remembers anything about it.  “Bits and pieces.  It’s the blanks she needs filled in.  And for some reason, Jack doesn’t seem too eager to help me.”  Nick realizes he’s on dangerous ground. I’m sure HE doesn’t want to tell her about Kelly.  “Is that why you wanted to talk to me?” 

 

Phyllis says she has memories, but she’s not sure if they ARE memories or they’re something she dreamed.  So now Nick has two of these people on his hands.  He says, so you want to know how Sharon and I ended up together after all the stuff she pulled?  She does.  DUPLICITOUS BACKSTABBER DOUCHEBAG Nick sighs and says, “Honestly, I wonder that myself sometimes.”  Honestly, Nick?  When you’re not telling Sharon you’re going to be together FOREVERANDEVERANDEVER?  But he realized his feelings for her never went away.  I mean, yeah, they have some stuff to work out, that he tells her doesn’t matter, but that’s why he came to see Phyllis.  He needs to ask her some stuff about Sharon.   

 

Joe says Chicago can do without him a few more days.  Cane insists he stay at the hotel!  Okay.  This town has a lot of possibilities.  He’s practically undressing Lily with his eyes.  This town needs a guy like Joe.

 

Harding wants to talk to Paul.  He seems hurt.  “You trust McAvoy…but you don’t trust me?”  Paul acts clueless.  “I know I’m not your son,” says Harding, “but I’ll always have your back.  Whatever it is you’re doing, if you want my help, all you gotta do is ask.”  He looks at the floor.  Omg, Paul, you’re breaking his heart!  Paul considers. He says he might be able to use someone he can trust.  “That’d be me,” says Harding.  “You’d do this for Dylan??” asks Paul.  Harding’s like, God, no.  “I’d do it for you,”he says solemnly, and walks away.  Paul grins and shakes his head.  That Harding.

 

Dylan begs Paul not to make Avery leave, but Paul says if they want this charade to work, he has to.  They kiss.  Avery leaves.  Paul sits down for another card game because that will really make the charade work.  Dylan doesn’t like playing against him, so Paul says it’s a good thing they’re on the same side.

 

Summer meets up with Austin back at the hospital.  She tells him about going to Jack’s and running into Kelly.  She whimpers about them putting her stuff in storage.  She’ll just have to go to Fenmore’s.  Austin gets alarmed, but they have to get Phyllis some new clothes.

 

Jack gets home and starts calling for Kelly.  Sad music plays as Kelly appears on the stairs with all her bags packed.

 

Phyllis asks what Nick wants to know about Sharon.  Okay, well Sharon thinks that--  A nurse barges in.  “No more visitors!”  Nick could really use a few more minutes, yo!  Yeah, well Ms. Newman just needs to rest!  He can come back tomorrow.  Okay, then.  So Phyllis, who hitchhiked 700 miles and didn’t tell her family where she was so she could get to Nick, WATCHES HIM LEAVE.  The nurse turns out the lights. 

 

Gasp…a face is at the door!  SHARON walks in.  This time SHE gets to have the backlight and glare at Phyllis.  Bitches ain't resting.