S15.E10: Brian N.

[Tara Ariano]

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A man suffers from alcoholism following the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing.

[Primetimer]

A funeral director isn't dealing with the death of his marriage and dreams.

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[shelwood]

How is Joe skinnier now than when he was on heroin?

[Court]

I felt like there was important information left out here.

[Toaster Strudel]

I guess with these enablers Van Vonderen didn't even bother bringing up bottom lines!

[Enero]

7 hours ago, Court said:

I felt like there was important information left out here.

I agree. He went from being a guy who I assume was a casual drinker to being toasted from sun up to sun down without any change in between. I thought they were going to try and connect his drinking to what he saw in the aftermath of the Oklahoma City Bombing, but the way his story was presented it sounds like he handled that well enough and didn't start abusing alcohol until almost a decade later. 

Also, I found it interesting how both him and his mom tried to say he had a good childhood, but then in the next sentence they talked about how his dad was a drunk and once beat his mom so badly that she was deaf for a time in one ear.  

I didn't finish the episode. Did he go to rehab and stay clean for the follow up?

Edited July 18, 2016 by Enero

[DNICE]

  9 hours ago, Court said:

I felt like there was important information left out here.

I agree. He went from being a guy who I assume was a casual drinker to being toasted from sun up to sun down without any change in between. I thought they were going to try and connect his drinking to what he saw in the aftermath of the Oklahoma City Bombing, but the way his story was presented it sounds like he handled that well enough and didn't start abusing alcohol until almost a decade later. 

Also, I found it interesting how both him and his mom tried to say he had a good childhood, but then in the next sentence they talked about how his dad was a drunk and once beat his mom so badly that she was deaf for a time in one ear.  

I didn't finish the episode. Did he go to rehab and stay clean for the follow up?

I wouldn't be surprised if having his own children perhaps stirred up some of the trauma he experienced with the bombing. The timeline seemed to have the drinking progress around the time his son was born. I know for me once I had kids, certain images of children that I could have previously viewed without an issue suddenly became more upsetting (think baby Dawn in Trainspotting...I can't even with that...)

Add family history of alcohol abuse and all of Brian's other issues and i don't find the connection to far fetched.

[Redcookie]

I got the feeling if momma could she would keep a baby bottle filled with booze so she could keep baby boy Brian as close to her bosom as possible. I hope Brian stays away for her. She even said she was torn between seeing him sober and losing her ability to take care of him. WTF

[raiderred1]

1 hour ago, DNICE said:

I wouldn't be surprised if having his own children perhaps stirred up some of the trauma he experienced with the bombing. The timeline seemed to have the drinking progress around the time his son was born. I know for me once I had kids, certain images of children that I could have previously viewed without an issue suddenly became more upsetting (think baby Dawn in Trainspotting...I can't even with that...)

I was thinking the exact same thing.  I think the OKC tragedy and his alcoholic dad tormented him and he just couldn't deal anymore.  He seemed devoid of any feeling even after 60 days clean. It is almost as if he didn't feel comfortable around his own kids or his aunt.  He just seemed distant.  I really feel for this guy and I hope he finds peace.  He has seen a lot of death. 

[Canada]

Oh, my god, what a nasty bunch of bitches.  I think I would be an alcoholic if I was surrounded those women.  Brian needs to run far, far away from all of them and only come back to see his beautiful kids.  It's not often I'm supportive of the addict, but that family was a bitch to be around.

[mythoughtis]

I tried to give his Mother the benefit of the doubt.... she seems to be a rather conservative woman who is just flabbergasted by Brian's behavior.  She wasn't wrong to be upset because Brian was just sitting on the couch rather than helping his step-father with the hearse as promised.  She wasn't wrong to be upset about his drinking when the kids were coming over, or to be upset because his behavior limits her contact with the kids.  Her screaming was wrong, her letter at the intervention was wrong.  I just couldn't feel sorry for her after her behavior.  What was the point discussing how much she loved the ex-wife when she was in high-school.  That's water under a very old bridge.

 

Aunt Suzie seemed more humane and realistic about Brian, but she doesn't have to deal with him on a daily basis.

The ex-wife?  Well, she probably did have an affair when he was in rehab the first time.  But.... Brian,  your marriage was over the day your second child was born.  You are passed out on the couch, drunk,  while she is driving herself to the hospital in labor at 2AM,  arranging for child care for child number 1, and going thru labor by herself for however long it took you to sober up and get to the hospital.  Were you there in time for the birth?

 

I agree with another poster.  Something still seemed off about Brian at the 60 day visit.  I also was confused by the counselor stating that Brian was learning not to be a people-pleaser.  I refer you to the above paragraph. Doesn't sound like a people pleaser to  me.

[Canada]

Brian looked like the textbook definition of a people pleaser to me.  All he did during the episode was let those women yell at him and walk all over him.  I don't think he managed to speak a complete sentence around them.  It wasn't until he arrived at the rehab place, and everyone was talking to him like he was a grown adult, that he seemed to come alive.

Edited July 18, 2016 by Canada

[pasdetrois]

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Her screaming was wrong, her letter at the intervention was wrong.

Not to mention poking him hard in the chest, followed by a slap to the face. That really struck a nerve with me and actually brought tears to me eyes. It was one of the few times we saw Brian express a reaction to someone; he was very hurt and embarrassed.

I wonder what it was like, living with her in a presumably small apartment, after her divorce. She may have projected a lot of rage and depression at Brian. I did like his aunt - she said she helped raised him, and I think she was one of the few kind adults in his life.

He seemed like a people-pleaser to me, too, while being shut down. I was surprised he decided to stay in CA, but think it's very smart.

[jacksgirl]

One of my kids lives in Miami, Oklahoma, where Brian lived.  I kept looking for familiar landmarks. It's a small town, but close to a nice big lake. He seemed so sad,  so beat down by life. I hope he completes treatment and stays away from his mom for now.

[peaceknit]

Did anyone else notice that Aunt Susie seemed MUCH more like the mother than the aunt? Brian's relationship with his mother seemed very stilted, something was definitely missing. Aunt Susie was all over him, and he did reciprocate. I didn't sense a lot of mutual respect. There's a lot more to this story than was let on for sure. I was also horrified when ma slapped him. He looked like he wanted to respond for a second, but didn't.

It seems many of the people on this show who go to either California or Florida, end up staying, lol. 

[hnygrl]

The whole time he was in Rehab, I was praying for the blurb at the end to be he never set foot in that god-forsaken town again.

And thank God he didn't. No way he'd stay sober, going back to the place where he'll always be an alcoholic loser to all and sundry.

I find that the ones who never go home, but do sober living and stay in the city of their rehabilitation end up staying clean/sober for good. Those who go back always relapse at least once before getting clean/sober in rehab again.

I was happy to see he stayed in California. He'll see his kids on his terms and do better over all outside of that horrible place and those horrible people. This one hit me hard because I felt so BADLY for him. He was so beaten down, so lost, so broken, and not one person could see beyond the vodka bottle. SO sad...at least in the other cases I've seen, there was somebody in the person's life who could see beyond the drug of choice to the person underneath.

[IvySpice]

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What was the point discussing how much she loved the ex-wife when she was in high-school. 

And apparently that wasn't true anyway. When Mom was saying she didn't want Brian's internet hoochie around, Brian said, "You didn't like Karin when I brought her around, either."

I pitied Karin, but at the same time both she and Lynda seemed to LOVE having Brian to kick around, like they couldn't wait for him to screw up so they could lay into him. Deal with that anger, ladies, because it can't just be about him.

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Did anyone else notice that Aunt Susie seemed MUCH more like the mother than the aunt?

Totally. Everything was awkward and wooden between Brian and every single family member except his aunt. It actually felt like there was warmth and love there. Even with the kids, not so much; he was squeezing them like totems, and they acted like he was a stranger they were supposed to say they missed.

[elainebenis]

Ugh. Brian's mom is a piece of work. Toxic. Guessing that might be a contributing factor wrt his issues.

[grisgris]

Strange episode, especially as I found myself identifying with both Brian and his mother. I am going into two years now of being sober and I could relate to Brian's emptiness, despair and having no real grasp on when/how/why he started spiraling out of control with the drinking. I do believe that job-related stress played a big part in his problem. You get to the point where you are so miserable that you start wishing and hoping that somebody would just pull the plug and let you go, so you don't have to make the decision to leave yourself.

But, as others have stated, there seemed to have been a lot of gaps in Brian's story. I also didn't perceive him as a people-pleaser. I think to be in the funeral business, you need to have a fairly easy-going, compassionate personality, which can also make one vulnerable to abuse. He was just so beaten-down and his body and mind were so ravaged by all of the alcohol that he was just kind of "there."

My youngest brother has a serious drinking problem and got so bad that he had to be hospitalized and is now in recovery. He lived with me for a very brief period then a few doors down from me for about seven months (just very recently) and sat around and drank and vegetated day after day. I started behaving towards him like Lynda, although I don't think I ever physically hit him. You are just so frustrated and angry by the lackadaisical destructive behavior and the refusal to get help. You are also sad and scared that they are going to die. I could also understand when Lynda had mixed emotions when Brian left for rehab. It's not that you're sad they're going for help, but you're so used to wondering when the other shoe is going to drop, that it's an automatic response that "you" can do a better job of fixing them.

I also didn't care for the ex-wife. With such sketchy backstory and her refusal to elaborate on their marriage, who knows? Maybe she was a raving bitch on wheels, too.  Yes, the aunt seemed more like a mother to him than his actual mother.

I'm also glad that Brian decided to stay in California. I hope he stays sober and can start a happy new life.

Alcoholism is such an awful disease.  (Not that the other addictions aren't ...)

[LEANN]

Brian's mother was a piece of work. I could barely stand watching this episode because of her. He jokingly said that his mom could be the reason him and his dad drank...she is a nag! She wasn't treating him like a teenager, but a toddler! He let his mom and ex-wife (super sketchy) treat him terribly. Although, his wife was in the right to not let those kids around him when he's drunk...his mom needs to stop making it about herself. So selfish. His aunt seemed to be the only one who truly cared about him. I'm glad he stayed out of OK. I hope he is able to maintain a good, stable his relationship with his children. 

Edited October 8, 2018 by LEANN