Small Talk: I Like Them All, I Just Can't Choose!

[imisspuddy]

10 minutes ago, Bronx Babe said:

@imisspuddy, if only The Great Bronxoni would stop futzing around making predictions about shopping channel hosts and start paying more attention to my life.....

Wow, your mother really is a marvel!  And it's interesting that you knew intuitively she didn't need hospice.  I wish I could say the same about Mom, just not sure at this point.  I want to trust the health care professionals who are taking care of her but a few people are so to speak whispering in my ear telling me that unless I call the nursing home 24/7 to find out how she is being treated, Mom will be "neglected" by the staff in one form or another.

I was going to joke with you that this is a time when we really don't want that crystal ball of yours.... 

In my mom's case they had to do an assessment of her needs before committing to hospice.  I am guessing they would have to do the same for your mom, so you won't have any clear answer on her condition until they do?  Even the nursing home staff can't know for sure.

My mom was in assisted living before the nursing home.  It was a complete rebirth for her.  Her time there was such a wonderful blessing for her and me and the kids.  Yes, the nursing home is very different.  As you said before, a catch 22.  They put her in a wheelchair all day and then have to give her PT to "remind" her how to walk...

There will always be well-meaning people giving advice...you do want to keep in close touch, but if you call too often you might run the risk of your mom being labelled a "problem" and then what kind of care will she get?  I struggled with this one, too, and with the medications they have her on, which I believe caused a lot of her recent decline.  

Lately, I have a Jesse Stone quote in my head.  "you can only do what you can do."

I don't mean to sound callous in any way - but we are only human.  

Edited June 8, 2017 by imisspuddy
well, I am. for me, you will always be the great Bronxoni!

[SuprSuprElevated]

1 hour ago, Bronx Babe said:

Thank you so much for that link, @SuprSuprElevated.  It's not about whiny Baby Boomer me right now but my mother.

Thank you.

I feel so, I don't know, like a babe in the woods with all this.

I understand completely.  We are really the first generation to deal with it.  My parent's parents didn't live long enough to need to be cared for, so our folks have no point of reference, nor any understanding about it really.  It's character building stuff I'll tell ya, like it or not.

[Bronx Babe]

25 minutes ago, imisspuddy said:

I should have re-read before posting!  It is funny, isn't it?

@imisspuddy  I'm sending all my love to you and your mother; may she continue to thrive.  Thank you so much, my friend, for your comforting words and tender thoughts.  

2 minutes ago, SuprSuprElevated said:

I understand completely.  We are really the first generation to deal with it.  My parent's parents didn't live long enough to need to be cared for, so our folks have no point of reference, nor any understanding about it really.  It's character building stuff I'll tell ya, like it or not.

Not.

[imisspuddy]

10 minutes ago, ennui said:

Well, as long as we're on the subject, I think my favorite line is (and fingers crossed that it's taken with levity):

Rose: I just want you to know no matter what you do, you're gonna die, just like everybody else. 

Cosmo Castorini: Thank you, Rose.

ennui - this made me remember the scene where Olympia Dukakis is lying on her bed sleeping.  They wake her up and she instinctively says: "who died?"

I CANNOT tell you HOW MANY TIMES this happened to me in real life with my mother and grandmother.  Honest to God.  It's such an Italian thing.

I still laugh about this scene!!

Edited June 8, 2017 by imisspuddy
It's probably Greek and Polish and lots of other things, too, but being Italian, well...

[SuprSuprElevated]

57 minutes ago, Bronx Babe said:

Thank you for sharing this very personal story, @Gam2.  It sounds like you all came to a place of peace at the end.

Thanks.  I'm noticing a tendency to get more cynical as I deal with all these health care providers and professionals.  I do not want to think that the nursing home is recommending hospice because of the fact Mom is a DNR patient.

Cynicism and healthcare go hand in hand now.  

[Bronx Babe]

17 minutes ago, ennui said:

Well, as long as we're on the subject, I think my favorite line is (and fingers crossed that it's taken with levity):

Rose: I just want you to know no matter what you do, you're gonna die, just like everybody else. 

Cosmo Castorini: Thank you, Rose.

LOL 

Men!

5 minutes ago, SuprSuprElevated said:

Cynicism and healthcare go hand in hand now.  

The "System".  It somehow seems so Orwellian....

Edited June 8, 2017 by Bronx Babe
Oh Cosmo you have such a head for knowing!

[SuprSuprElevated]

32 minutes ago, ennui said:

I think most of them are; I don't know of any hospice that is a physical location, aside from the administrative offices. Like I've been trying to explain, they have resources and experience, and they will help you. They are not the enemy. I hope you will at least listen to what they have to say. Please do it for your mother. 

We actually do have a several hospice 'houses' in our area.  They are not for long term care.

[Bronx Babe]

8 minutes ago, imisspuddy said:

ennui - this made me remember the scene where Olympia Dukakis is lying on her bed sleeping.  They wake her up and she instinctively says: "who died?"

I CANNOT tell you HOW MANY TIMES this happened to me in real life with my mother and grandmother.  Honest to God.  It's such an Italian thing.

I still laugh about this scene!!

Does your family play Vicki Carr records?

[imisspuddy]

4 minutes ago, Bronx Babe said:

Does your family play Vicki Carr records?

OMG!!!!  Are you kidding!!!  

She was the first singer I remember seeing on TV as a very little girl.  I have ALWAYS been in love with Vikki.  I would play her album every Saturday morning while dusting the house.  I still have that album.   "It Must Be Him"  ALL time favorite.  Still know every word to every song.  And I can't even remember what I ate for breakfast...  :)

Edited June 8, 2017 by imisspuddy
oh, hello, hello...

[walnutqueen]

43 minutes ago, CanuckGal said:

So nice seeing you again @walnutqueen! I'm so sorry to hear of your mum's passing.

Thanks, @CanuckGal.

My Mum had it pretty tough while living alone, fiercely independent, and stating she'd rather die than move into a home.  When her last hospitalization made it obvious she'd need to go live at a hospice facility, she was devastated.  But after a couple of days, she realized she'd never had it so good.  She was cared for and catered to like never before, and the facility was lovely.  She probably would've lasted there for much longer than six months, had it not been for a fall that hastened her demise.  Of course, this was in Canada; no "time limits" were ever mentioned, and everything was completely free due to her financial situation.

I don't know what hospice is like in your area, @Bronx Babe, but it would be worth checking out.

We aren't really the first generation to have to look after ageing parents.  My great-grandparents lived with us and other members of the family until their deaths; they were 99 and 100.  It was quite common for people of my grandparent's generation to have their old folks living with them.

[Bronx Babe]

18 minutes ago, imisspuddy said:

I was going to joke with you that this is a time when we really don't want that crystal ball of yours.... 

In my mom's case they had to do an assessment of her needs before committing to hospice.  I am guessing they would have to do the same for your mom, so you won't have any clear answer on her condition until they do?  Even the nursing home staff can't know for sure.

My mom was in assisted living before the nursing home.  It was a complete rebirth for her.  Her time there was such a wonderful blessing for her and me and the kids.  Yes, the nursing home is very different.  As you said before, a catch 22.  They put her in a wheelchair all day and then have to give her PT to "remind" her how to walk...

There will always be well-meaning people giving advice...you do want to keep in close touch, but if you call too often you might run the risk of your mom being labelled a "problem" and then what kind of care will she get?  I struggled with this one, too, and with the medications they have her on, which I believe caused a lot of her recent decline.  

Lately, I have a Jesse Stone quote in my head.  "you can only do what you can do."

I don't mean to sound callous in any way - but we are only human.  

I called upon Bronxoni a few minutes ago but she ignored me and kept insisting that Lisa Robertson will soon marry the Carlo Ponti lookalike and move to the Italian Riviera.

I told Bronxoni to lay off the cooking sherry.

I'm hoping upon hope that Mom won't need hospice but if they come around to evaluate and say that she does, should I assume they only have her best interests at heart?  I swear to you I'm not any sort of paranoid person!

Like your mother, my mom also enjoyed her time at assisted living.  She was leading a relatively "normal" life there but of course as you say a nursing home is another story entirely.  Now she is a "patient" and not a "tenant" and that, I feel, also contributes to decline, even though it would probably be inevitable....

Yes, we are only human and no, you are not callous.

[imisspuddy]

Walnut Queen - my deepest sympathy also.  

You are right.  We aren't really the first generation.  We lived with my grandparents.  My parents took care of them all until they died.

Maybe part of the difference is that our parents are more independent and we don't live together with parents/grandparents as we did in the past.

My grandmothers didn't even drive. 

Put that together with advances in medical technology, raising a young family at the same time (as I did), and the fact that there isn't much health or care in "healthcare" and you have all the ingredients necessary for a nervous breakdown!

The hospice your mother was in sounds wonderful and I am glad she was in such a nice place.  It must have made a tremendously difficult time just a bit more bearable.

[Bronx Babe]

It's 10 p.m. now -- I have Man With The Golden Arm on TCM in the background.

I'm going to call the nursing home and find out how Mom is doing.

[imisspuddy]

8 minutes ago, Bronx Babe said:

I called upon Bronxoni a few minutes ago but she ignored me and kept insisting that Lisa Robertson will soon marry the Carlo Ponti lookalike and move to the Italian Riviera.

I told Bronxoni to lay off the cooking sherry.

I'm hoping upon hope that Mom won't need hospice but if they come around to evaluate and say that she does, should I assume they only have her best interests at heart?  I swear to you I'm not any sort of paranoid person!

Like your mother, my mom also enjoyed her time at assisted living.  She was leading a relatively "normal" life there but of course as you say a nursing home is another story entirely.  Now she is a "patient" and not a "tenant" and that, I feel, also contributes to decline, even though it would probably be inevitable....

Yes, we are only human and no, you are not callous.

I think you and I should move to the Italian Riviera!!!  And bring my Vikki Carr album along...

You aren't being paranoid, you are being a realist.

I would absolutely believe that hospice has only your mom's best interest at heart.  They are not the nursing home staff with so many patients to care for/sign off on.  They come in specifically to be with her and help her.

I'm sorry, I don't remember where you are located or where your mom is, but here outside of Boston, the hospice workers I have heard of are truly dedicated and wonderful people.  It is more of a vocation for them and they take their work quite seriously.  I'm not disparaging nursing home workers; it's just a different sort of work.

Edited June 8, 2017 by imisspuddy
I hope you get good news. I am signing off for the night. Will check in again tomorrow.

[Thumper]

Yeah, my mom used to drive 6 hours each way to see her mom, who was in a nursing home.  She used to tell us that being in the "sandwich generation" is tough -- balancing being a daughter and a mother.

Interesting about possibly being viewed as a "pest" by calling too often.  My mom is in Memory Care and there are enough of us kids close by to stop in about every other day.  ( I am not local.). We feel like that is a plus -- they know we are around and checking on her.  That isn't always possible, of course.  And of course for our own comfort, we want to be checking in, as you are, Bronx Babe.

[Bronx Babe]

Mom is okay for now.  The aide gave her some Ensure which she drank.  She is sleeping comfortably.  Her vitals are good. 

I will try to get some sleep soon although not sure this will be possible; however, George Stevens' Giant is on TCM, a sure cure for insomnia. (I do love the score, however)

[CarpeDiem54]

2 hours ago, ennui said:

Of course it is. This is one of those times when we all wish life came with a manual, so we knew what to do. This is where hospice can really help; they help your mother, but they also help you. It's like a flock of angels show up, and you'll wish you had called them sooner.

This!  Hospice was wonderful for MamaCarpeDiem and me.  They offered counseling and a 24/7 number to call for help and support if I was overwhelmed.  I even had the opportunity to use their counseling for a year after she died.  

1 hour ago, ennui said:

I think most of them are; I don't know of any hospice that is a physical location, aside from the administrative offices. Like I've been trying to explain, they have resources and experience, and they will help you. They are not the enemy. I hope you will at least listen to what they have to say. Please do it for your mother. 

We have many physical locations here but those are for people with less than six months to live.  However, the in-home or in a nursing facility care is just another layer of support for you and your loved one.

{{@Bronx Babe}}  You're not a whiney baby boomer.  You're a loving and caring daughter trying to do the right thing for your dear Mother without breaking your own heart in the process.  It's hard, I know.  My prayers are with you.

[TexasTiffany]

4 hours ago, ennui said:

Let this be a warning to those of you who do not maintain a gift closet. You may find yourself staying up late, making paper pillows stuffed with cotton balls for the family reunion.

BWAH! I sure would have taken one of those flashlight key chains instead! 

3 hours ago, Bronx Babe said:

@Thumper  Thank you for asking.  It's getting more complicated by the minute.  The head nurse at the nursing home said I should consider hospice, even though Mom is not terminally ill.  This nurse said that it's not a "death sentence" and that my mother just might need more "comfort" or whatever, even though she is stable now after they brought her heartbeat down. She's been lethargic and not eating enough.  I told the nurse that if Mom needs more help than the nursing home can give in terms of a health crisis, that they should send her back to the hospital.  The "attending physican's assistant" at the nursing home (not Mom's PCP) told me in so many words that even though Mom has bounced back before from these hospital stays, at 96 she is "declining".  I am now wondering if this is because Mom has a DNR in place, and if the nursing home thinks they no longer have to provide maximum care.  As POA, perhaps I should revoke the DNR?  That is, if Mom has a respiratory or heart seizure, I would want them to do everything they can to prolong her life.  I'm so confused.  Even her PCP, who she has known for over 20 years, told me that at 96 it would behoove me to utilize the DNR, as what quality of life could she continue to have -- so I don't know if even this primary care doctor would think my revoking the DNR a wise thing.  I just want Mom around for as long as possible.  The nursing home is pushing the hospice thing but Mom is nowhere near death's door.  Yes, it probably is a "matter of time" but I don't believe quite yet.

@Bronx Babe, that's such a difficult decision. I would say it's not wrong either way. We can all think of good reasons to pick one or the other. Ask your mom what she would want, if you can talk to her about it. Seek out whatever advice you can get from the people who are around this every day. But, first and foremost do what YOU feel comfortable with. Which answer would you want to live with.

[Bronx Babe]

49 minutes ago, imisspuddy said:

OMG!!!!  Are you kidding!!!  

She was the first singer I remember seeing on TV as a very little girl.  I have ALWAYS been in love with Vikki.  I would play her album every Saturday morning while dusting the house.  I still have that album.   "It Must Be Him"  ALL time favorite.  Still know every word to every song.  And I can't even remember what I ate for breakfast...  :)

Ha!!  "It's easy when you play it cool....."

I wish.

7 minutes ago, TexasTiffany said:

@Bronx Babe, that's such a difficult decision. I would say it's not wrong either way. We can all think of good reasons to pick one or the other. Ask your mom what she would want, if you can talk to her about it. Seek out whatever advice you can get from the people who are around this every day. But, first and foremost do what YOU feel comfortable with. Which answer would you want to live with.

Hello, @TexasTiffany (btw, do you like Giant?) thank you so much for chiming in.

Unfortunately Mom cannot answer any questions so it's up to me to sort it all out.  I do feel like I will make the best decision even though of course it all feels like I just want everything (except Mom) to go away, leave me alone, waaaah!! I want my Maypo! I wanna be a kidlet again!  I don't want these adult responsibilities! Waaah!  Okay, I got that out of my system!

Edited June 8, 2017 by Bronx Babe
I do love Liz as Miss Leslie -- "Let me get my spinning wheel, girls!"

[Bronx Babe]

15 minutes ago, CarpeDiem54 said:

This!  Hospice was wonderful for MamaCarpeDiem and me.  They offered counseling and a 24/7 number to call for help and support if I was overwhelmed.  I even had the opportunity to use their counseling for a year after she died.  

 

{{@Bronx Babe}}  You're not a whiney baby boomer.  You're a loving and caring daughter trying to do the right thing for your dear Mother without breaking your own heart in the process.  It's hard, I know.  My prayers are with you.

I'm so glad you had such a positive experience with hospice and MamaCarpe! 

Thank you so much my friend for your kind words. 

[CarpeDiem54]

2 minutes ago, Bronx Babe said:

I'm so glad you had such a positive experience with hospice and MamaCarpe! 

Thank you so much my friend for your kind words. 

You're more than welcome.  I guess my point is, it wouldn't hurt to talk to hospice to see what they can offer both you and your Mother.  They can give both of you advice and guidance.  Taking care of my Mother was so difficult, but I didn't want her to go.  But she had signed a living will years before she became ill and I knew what she wanted.

And as for those people whispering in your ear?  I'd give them a big FU!  They're not walking in your shoes.  They don't know what's in your heart.

Here's some extra {{HUGS}} just because.

[Bronx Babe]

36 minutes ago, Thumper said:

Yeah, my mom used to drive 6 hours each way to see her mom, who was in a nursing home.  She used to tell us that being in the "sandwich generation" is tough -- balancing being a daughter and a mother.

Interesting about possibly being viewed as a "pest" by calling too often.  My mom is in Memory Care and there are enough of us kids close by to stop in about every other day.  ( I am not local.). We feel like that is a plus -- they know we are around and checking on her.  That isn't always possible, of course.  And of course for our own comfort, we want to be checking in, as you are, Bronx Babe.

Since I don't drive a friend takes me to see Mom once a week; unfortunately it cannot be more than that as my friend has her own family problems to deal with (triplet male grandkids).

So I'm always on the phone about three times a day asking the nurses for detailed updates. I speak with Mom in the morning and evening.  One time I called and a nurse I wasn't familiar with said "Oh, yes, they told me you call all the time"

I was like "Yes, she's MY MOTHER"

[Bronx Babe]

1 hour ago, imisspuddy said:

I think you and I should move to the Italian Riviera!!!  And bring my Vikki Carr album along...

You aren't being paranoid, you are being a realist.

I would absolutely believe that hospice has only your mom's best interest at heart.  They are not the nursing home staff with so many patients to care for/sign off on.  They come in specifically to be with her and help her.

I'm sorry, I don't remember where you are located or where your mom is, but here outside of Boston, the hospice workers I have heard of are truly dedicated and wonderful people.  It is more of a vocation for them and they take their work quite seriously.  I'm not disparaging nursing home workers; it's just a different sort of work.

I'm looking at Lake Como summer rentals right now for the two of us and anyone else here who wants to come along!

I'm in Boca Raton, Florida, where we have excellent access to all kinds of senior care; however it really is tricky for a "novice" to navigate The System. 

After the nursing home attending physician mentioned hospice to me, several hours later I received a few phone calls from hospice "representatives" who wanted my "business".  This is what kind of threw me -- I just assumed everything was all done at the nursing home.  They were asking me questions about Mom and offering to give me the best services, etc.  It felt very, how shall I say, cut-and-dried, also "competitive".

Edited June 8, 2017 by Bronx Babe

[SuprSuprElevated]

9 hours ago, walnutqueen said:

Thanks, @CanuckGal.

My Mum had it pretty tough while living alone, fiercely independent, and stating she'd rather die than move into a home.  When her last hospitalization made it obvious she'd need to go live at a hospice facility, she was devastated.  But after a couple of days, she realized she'd never had it so good.  She was cared for and catered to like never before, and the facility was lovely.  She probably would've lasted there for much longer than six months, had it not been for a fall that hastened her demise.  Of course, this was in Canada; no "time limits" were ever mentioned, and everything was completely free due to her financial situation.

I don't know what hospice is like in your area, @Bronx Babe, but it would be worth checking out.

We aren't really the first generation to have to look after ageing parents.  My great-grandparents lived with us and other members of the family until their deaths; they were 99 and 100.  It was quite common for people of my grandparent's generation to have their old folks living with them.

Okay 2nd.  In my family I'm the first, but my parents were older.  I shouldn't have been so bold as to state something as fact based on personal experience.

Edited June 8, 2017 by SuprSuprElevated

[TexasTiffany]

3 hours ago, SuprSuprElevated said:

Regarding K-Mart and the retail landscape in general - 

Yes, KM was a victim of Walmart, but also of their own complacency IMO.  Before Walmart came to our area, the 2 or 3 KMs nearby had all of that business.  The stores were sloppy, dirty, poorly merchandised and customer service was a foreign concept.  Though you won't catch me singing Walmart's praises necessarily, the came-they saw-they conquered.  By the time KM knew what hit 'em, it was too late. I'm amazed that they have lasted this long.  Sears will be next, and probably Penney's after that.  These things to me are all what is wrong with Retail Land, across the board; brick and mortar, e-retail, television...all of it.  Poor customer service and a failure to recognize what the customers want.  The companies that focus on and master these things will survive, the rest will fail, and then we will be in a full blown helluva mess, trying to figure out what unskilled people will do for jobs.  We're headed that way anyway, but that's another story.

Poor customer service comes from apathetic employees who come from the same apathetic society. Not many people care about doing an honest day's work anymore. 

That also includes the customer. It's not "the customer is always right" anymore. It's a different world now. 3 out of 5 customers is trying to cheat or scam the store. I work with it every day. The store policy is to take back returns, but thousands of dollars a day is taken back on merchandise that can't be sold again. It's ruined. 

Society is reaping what it sowed. 

*****************

Where I live, K Mart has had the same bad reputation for 40 years. Dirty, run down stores with cheap products. K Mart has known this for decades. I agree that they've been complacent too long. JC Penney turned their reputation around in the 70's to become a great place to shop with upscale products in the 80's and 90's. I don't know what happened after that.

Sears was THE store for 100 years. The store close to me is closing. I will miss the idea of Sears for the nostalgia, but I haven't shopped there in 20 years. They didn't update their merchandise, their shopping experience, nor their reputation. Walmart is doing it better. Fresh clean stores. Good deals on name brand products we all buy. They also have a savings tracker... I love that. I've gotten money back in my pocket with that service. 

[Bronx Babe]

1 hour ago, walnutqueen said:

Thanks, @CanuckGal.

My Mum had it pretty tough while living alone, fiercely independent, and stating she'd rather die than move into a home.  When her last hospitalization made it obvious she'd need to go live at a hospice facility, she was devastated.  But after a couple of days, she realized she'd never had it so good.  She was cared for and catered to like never before, and the facility was lovely.  She probably would've lasted there for much longer than six months, had it not been for a fall that hastened her demise.  Of course, this was in Canada; no "time limits" were ever mentioned, and everything was completely free due to her financial situation.

I don't know what hospice is like in your area, @Bronx Babe, but it would be worth checking out.

We aren't really the first generation to have to look after ageing parents.  My great-grandparents lived with us and other members of the family until their deaths; they were 99 and 100.  It was quite common for people of my grandparent's generation to have their old folks living with them.

@walnutqueen  I'm so sorry to hear that your mother passed. 

She had the benefits of the Canadian health care system.

[walnutqueen]

16 minutes ago, Bronx Babe said:

@walnutqueen  I'm so sorry to hear that your mother passed. 

She had the benefits of the Canadian health care system.

Ir has been a little more than six months since I lost her, and I am still lost.  :~/

The Canadian healthcare system has it's drawbacks, for sure, but her hospice care was world class.

[Bronx Babe]

2 hours ago, ennui said:

I think most of them are; I don't know of any hospice that is a physical location, aside from the administrative offices. Like I've been trying to explain, they have resources and experience, and they will help you. They are not the enemy. I hope you will at least listen to what they have to say. Please do it for your mother. 

I will definitely listen, @ennui

[TexasTiffany]

1 hour ago, Bronx Babe said:

Ha!!  "It's easy when you play it cool....."

I wish.

Hello, @TexasTiffany (btw, do you like Giant?) thank you so much for chiming in.

Unfortunately Mom cannot answer any questions so it's up to me to sort it all out.  I do feel like I will make the best decision even though of course it all feels like I just want everything (except Mom) to go away, leave me alone, waaaah!! I want my Maypo! I wanna be a kidlet again!  I don't want these adult responsibilities! Waaah!  Okay, I got that out of my system!

Yes, I do like the movie Giant. LOL. 

A good movie can take your mind off the problems of today. 

[Bronx Babe]

17 minutes ago, walnutqueen said:

Ir has been a little more than six months since I lost her, and I am still lost.  :~/

The Canadian healthcare system has it's drawbacks, for sure, but her hospice care was world class.

Such a devastating loss for you, @walnutqueen  I am hugging you right now.  

9 minutes ago, TexasTiffany said:

Yes, I do like the movie Giant. LOL. 

A good movie can take your mind off the problems of today. 

So true.  And for me, a good bad movie is the best.

Edited June 8, 2017 by Bronx Babe
I want a spread like Reata

[seahag]

4 hours ago, ennui said:

NO. It's not about what you want, it's about what your mother would want. 

I realize that you are struggling with this, but your mother is 96. She's had a good run. 

I think hospice is an excellent idea. They are wonderful people, and it is not a death sentence. 

My friend's aunt flunked out of hospice-twice!  She died at age 101 last year, at home.  She was proud of the fact that she failed twice.  She had her wits about her almost right until the end.  

[seahag]

4 hours ago, Bronx Babe said:

@ennui, Navigating the health care system has certainly been eye-opening for me.  That's all I will say.

As a fellow Moonstruck lover, the one quote that really sticks me with from that movie isn't "Snap out of it!" but Cosmo's "Everything is temporary!" 

So this too shall pass....

Mama Hag has DNR forms taped up to her doors (inside the house), and she has it on file at the hospital, and in her purse at all times.  She does not want to be brought back if she goes.  She has also planned out and paid for her funeral and the lunch afterwards.  She also has her outfit picked out with the fake jewelry to wear in the casket.  I have to look at it every time I go there, lol.

[Bronx Babe]

1 hour ago, CarpeDiem54 said:

You're more than welcome.  I guess my point is, it wouldn't hurt to talk to hospice to see what they can offer both you and your Mother.  They can give both of you advice and guidance.  Taking care of my Mother was so difficult, but I didn't want her to go.  But she had signed a living will years before she became ill and I knew what she wanted.

And as for those people whispering in your ear?  I'd give them a big FU!  They're not walking in your shoes.  They don't know what's in your heart.

Here's some extra {{HUGS}} just because.

Oh those hugs feel so good, my friend!  Just like my old lost-in-transit teddy bear! (I swear I am not like Lisa)

Mom cannot comprehend much of anything now unfortunately so I have to make decisions for her, and the hospice option is one I will take into consideration.

[seahag]

On 6/7/2017 at 7:49 PM, CanuckGal said:

That's how I feel too, and partly why I haven't posted in awhile. I've still been reading. 

((((CanuckGal)))), I was just asking about you!  Glad to see you over here.

Edited June 9, 2017 by seahag

[Bronx Babe]

4 minutes ago, seahag said:

Mama Hag has DNR forms taped up to her doors (inside the house), and she has it on file at the hospital, and in her purse at all times.  She does not want to be brought back if she goes.  She has also planned out and paid for her funeral and the lunch afterwards.  She also has her outfit picked out with the fake jewelry to wear in the casket.  I have to look at it every time I go there, lol.

@seahag I hope you're feeling better!

Mama Hag is one organized woman, lol.

Will she be "wearing" Diamonique?

[Bronx Babe]

22 minutes ago, seahag said:

My friend's aunt flunked out of hospice-twice!  She died at age 101 last year, at home.  She was proud of the fact that she failed twice.  She had her wits about her almost right until the end.  

Mom's brother-in-law (my Uncle Irving) had a mother who lived to 105.  Sharp as a tack and (according to family legend) a controlling shrewish bitch right up till the end.  Nobody mourned.

[seahag]

On 6/7/2017 at 11:40 PM, Bronx Babe said:

@seahag I hope you're feeling better!

Mama Hag is one organized woman, lol.

Will she be "wearing" Diamonique?

Nope.  Fake pearls.  No wedding ring.  She stopped wearing it as soon as the old man died.  She even prepaid the tips for the altar boys!  She's wearing the dress she wore to my wedding.  She's gained a little weight, but she said they can cut it up the back.  She also had her gold fillings removed and sold them.  She doesn't really like the funeral director, but he is convenient.  Mama Hag decided to do this when she sold her house.  She didn't want the funeral director to try the "if you loved her, you'd get X most expensive package".  She also told me to get the flowers from anyone BUT the funeral director, who convenienly has a florist shop attached to his funeral home.  She's a piece of work!

Edited June 9, 2017 by seahag
ETA I am feeling better, but still am short of breath and weak. Doc says it's normal. I gave m granddaughters with me this week, and they are helping me a LOT!

[Bronx Babe]

Oh my goodness, @seahag, LOL  I'm (practically) speechless!

Did she get a good deal on the gold fillings?

Edited June 8, 2017 by Bronx Babe
Good to hear you are recovering, even if it is taking longer than expected. You're lucky to have such caring granddaughters

[Coffeecup]

4 hours ago, CarpeDiem54 said:

This!  Hospice was wonderful for MamaCarpeDiem and me.  They offered counseling and a 24/7 number to call for help and support if I was overwhelmed.  I even had the opportunity to use their counseling for a year after she died.  

We have many physical locations here but those are for people with less than six months to live.  However, the in-home or in a nursing facility care is just another layer of support for you and your loved one.

{{@Bronx Babe}}  You're not a whiney baby boomer.  You're a loving and caring daughter trying to do the right thing for your dear Mother without breaking your own heart in the process.  It's hard, I know.  My prayers are with you.

Same in my area, lots of physical hospices, but they are for the people not expected to live more than six months. It has a lot to do with how long Medicare will pay the hospice -- I think their cutoff is six months.

My husband had to put his first wife in a hospice when she was dying of cancer, and her doctor said no further treatment could help her. She lived two weeks. He said it was a wonderful, peaceful hospice and she received excellent care. They checked on her frequently to give her pain medicine and talk to her. He said everyone was very kind.

A friend had the in-home hospice visits for her husband near his end. The nurses did many nice things for him in addition to nursing care. They sent a volunteer musician to play beautiful soothing music for him. They arranged for one of the top players from our pro baseball team to visit him in his home (this athlete takes the time to visit sick fans), and he was thrilled beyond words.

Bronxbabe, I wish I knew how to advise you. I was not the one making the decisions for my parents; my stepmother made the arrangements for my father, and my older sister handled my mother's care. (My parents were divorced.) My father was taken to a hospice, where he lived only 24 hours, and my mother (years later) died in a nursing home after being there a couple of months. If it had been up to me, I think I might have sent Mother to a hospice, because, as others have commented, the staff in nursing homes are so busy they can't give what I consider to be enough care for individual patients who are in decline.

I understand your feelings of helplessness and frustration, and the desperate wish to turn back time and be a kid again -- not have to be faced with these agonizing responsibilities and questions that have no "right" answers. I believe you will do your best, and you will make the right decision for your mother. We are all here whenever you need to vent.

About the Italian thing of being awakened and immediately asking "Who died?" In my family, it's always been a phone call around 5:30 or 6:30 a.m. So I always wonder "did somebody die?" when the phone rings at that time.

Edited June 8, 2017 by Coffeecup

[zxy556575]

@seahag, your mom certainly sounds like she knows her own mind! She must be a marvel.

I've prepaid my funeral expenses (cremation, no urn), but that's as far as it goes. What to do with my two gold crowns didn't even occur to me! The Internet tells me that scrap metal price for crowns is around $50. I guess it's fine with me if the cremation society takes that as a tip.

I was in the hospital last year (cardiac ward, which I highly recommend as a woman since most patients are male and you'll probably get your own room) and a nurse came in to discuss DNR. I already had my orders on file and reiterated to her that there was to be no resuscitation. She was all, "This is a cardiac ward! Do you really not want your heart restarted?" Uh, what part of ...

My dad is 94 and he and my stepmother moved to assisted living a couple of months ago because he kept fainting and was losing a lot of weight. He's since had a couple of small strokes. He lives in Canada and I'm in Florida, but I can't do plane travel because of my own health problems. My stepmother, out of kindness I think, tries to shield me from the realities of his condition, but it's frustrating not knowing exactly what's going on. She doesn't like using the phone so we communicate mostly via email. I know he's getting good care, but he is in his last months and I just want to be able to sit with him and hold his hand and celebrate his life a bit.

Edited June 8, 2017 by Lord Donia

[seahag]

4 hours ago, Bronx Babe said:

Oh my goodness, @seahag, LOL  I'm (practically) speechless!

Did she get a good deal on the gold fillings?

Yep!  I used to know a guy who bought and sold gold fillings.  He was loaded.  Died at age 45 from Type 1 diabetes.

I forgot to mention that my pooch died yesterday.  It was for the best; she was riddled with metastatic cancer.  I miss her like crazy. ?

[SuprSuprElevated]

8 hours ago, Bronx Babe said:

Since I don't drive a friend takes me to see Mom once a week; unfortunately it cannot be more than that as my friend has her own family problems to deal with (triplet male grandkids).

So I'm always on the phone about three times a day asking the nurses for detailed updates. I speak with Mom in the morning and evening.  One time I called and a nurse I wasn't familiar with said "Oh, yes, they told me you call all the time"

I was like "Yes, she's MY MOTHER"

IMO, frequent calls and visits are like an insurance policy for you and your mom.  If you don't already, I would switch up the day you visit from week to week also, if possible.  Keep 'em guessing, and on their toes.  If you don't like the answers you're getting, ask for the next one up the ladder until you can't get higher.  In my experience, the 'pest' factor will produce positive results, not negative.  My husband visited the administrator one day, and calmly explained to her that the next time he found soiled incontinence products in his mother's room, anywhere, they would be deposited on her desk forthwith.  It never happened again.  We were fortunate that we had three of us who visited on the regular.  No question that it was a benefit.

7 hours ago, Bronx Babe said:

I'm looking at Lake Como summer rentals right now for the two of us and anyone else here who wants to come along!

Just be careful that you don't rent too close to George and Amal.  New twins 'n all, might be noisy.

Edited June 8, 2017 by SuprSuprElevated

[SuprSuprElevated]

6 hours ago, seahag said:

Mama Hag has DNR forms taped up to her doors (inside the house), and she has it on file at the hospital, and in her purse at all times.  She does not want to be brought back if she goes.  She has also planned out and paid for her funeral and the lunch afterwards.  She also has her outfit picked out with the fake jewelry to wear in the casket.  I have to look at it every time I go there, lol.

Haha, bless her heart.  All of that is really so helpful in the time of need.  The fewer decisions you have to make in critical times, the better.  I'm thankful that my parents pre-planned also.  Mom even has the stone all ready to go, missing only her dod.

[SuprSuprElevated]

1 hour ago, seahag said:

Yep!  I used to know a guy who bought and sold gold fillings.  He was loaded.  Died at age 45 from Type 1 diabetes.

I forgot to mention that my pooch died yesterday.  It was for the best; she was riddled with metastatic cancer.  I miss her like crazy. ?

Aw, so sorry Seahag.  Those darn creatures are in our lives for such a short time, but bring so much joy.  I'm thankful for that, what with humans being what they are 'n all.  I wish you sweet memories.

[CarpeDiem54]

@seahag - I love Mama Hag's style!  I'm sorry about your doggie.

@Bronx Babe - Put me down for a "yes" on Lake Como.  "Look! It's Cosmo's moon!"

[SentimentalLady]

On 6/6/2017 at 11:27 PM, Lord Donia said:

I used to watch QVC in the pre-Internet days but don't think I've ever popped into the shopping forum (and now I'm afraid to!) but I have wondered why there aren't separate threads for each network. Doesn't it get confusing?

As far as negativity goes, I stopped reading the Kelly and X show thread a long time ago because it was post after post about how thin she is and how horrible as a host and person. Which is fine, but it was the same thing every day for years. Maybe it's better now. I wasn't a fan of Strahan but might start watching again now that Ryan's there.

I know what you mean about separate threads.  I am not familiar with any other shopping channels besides QVC.  I don't follow any other threads but I agree about the same thing sll the time.  "You" don't like her, we got it!?

[Rustybones]

I was privileged to see Lake Como during a trip to Europe in the 80's.  It was very beautiful.  My second choice of a perfect place to live, next to the Almafi Coast in Italy.

[Bronx Babe]

11 hours ago, Coffeecup said:

Same in my area, lots of physical hospices, but they are for the people not expected to live more than six months. It has a lot to do with how long Medicare will pay the hospice -- I think their cutoff is six months.

My husband had to put his first wife in a hospice when she was dying of cancer, and her doctor said no further treatment could help her. She lived two weeks. He said it was a wonderful, peaceful hospice and she received excellent care. They checked on her frequently to give her pain medicine and talk to her. He said everyone was very kind.

A friend had the in-home hospice visits for her husband near his end. The nurses did many nice things for him in addition to nursing care. They sent a volunteer musician to play beautiful soothing music for him. They arranged for one of the top players from our pro baseball team to visit him in his home (this athlete takes the time to visit sick fans), and he was thrilled beyond words.

Bronxbabe, I wish I knew how to advise you. I was not the one making the decisions for my parents; my stepmother made the arrangements for my father, and my older sister handled my mother's care. (My parents were divorced.) My father was taken to a hospice, where he lived only 24 hours, and my mother (years later) died in a nursing home after being there a couple of months. If it had been up to me, I think I might have sent Mother to a hospice, because, as others have commented, the staff in nursing homes are so busy they can't give what I consider to be enough care for individual patients who are in decline.

I understand your feelings of helplessness and frustration, and the desperate wish to turn back time and be a kid again -- not have to be faced with these agonizing responsibilities and questions that have no "right" answers. I believe you will do your best, and you will make the right decision for your mother. We are all here whenever you need to vent.

 

Thanks so much, @Coffeecup  I've just been inundated (word list) by several hospice services calling me on the phone.  All this has been within the space of three days after the attending physician at Mom's nursing home suggested it as a non-death sentence option, since my mother does not suffer from a terminal illness or pain.  This doctor said my mother could be with us for another year, or pass tomorrow just from so-called "natural" causes. No guarantees. 

I do not think Mom needs hospice at this time but it is still all too confusing.  She has rallied somewhat -- her shift nurse just told me Mom's heart rate is being successfully regulated by medication (even though it is still a bit fast) but her other vital signs are good.  "Stable" really doesn't mean much to me because of course that could flip in an instant.  She ate some breakfast and is resting comfortably now but every time the phone rings I get knots in my stomach and feel like I'm going to pass out from anxiety.

[Bronx Babe]

8 hours ago, seahag said:

Yep!  I used to know a guy who bought and sold gold fillings.  He was loaded.  Died at age 45 from Type 1 diabetes.

I forgot to mention that my pooch died yesterday.  It was for the best; she was riddled with metastatic cancer.  I miss her like crazy. ?

I saw your post at our other place -- my heart goes out to you.  She is at peace now free from the suffering of that horrendous disease but of course it is a bitter loss and I offer you my prayers and a lot of hugs.

[ennui]

16 hours ago, Bronx Babe said:

George Stevens' Giant is on TCM, a sure cure for insomnia.

I love Giant!  Read the book, too. Rock Hudson as Bick Benedict, Elizabeth at the height of her beauty, and James Dean and Dennis Hopper. Love.

27 minutes ago, Bronx Babe said:

I do not think Mom needs hospice at this time

But you aren't a medical professional.