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I Once Took A Donkey And Some Honeycomb Into... : Jokes!


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14 hours ago, annzeepark914 said:

My uncle died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

That reminds me of this one (credit to @saber5055 over on the Jeopardy! forum):

This was a freak accident. A photographer was trying to take a group photo when a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him. Witnesses say the people being photographed tried to warn him.

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Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose red)…I can’t see you anymore.  I am not going to let you hurt me like this again.

Trainer: It was a sit up.  You did one sit up.

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Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

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Accidentally called 911. Set my house on fire to not look stupid.

We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen...I can feel it.

That awkward moment when you're in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale.

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34 minutes ago, annzeepark914 said:

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.

We call those people...cops.

 

I threw a boomerang many years ago. I now live in constant fear.

I wonder if normal dogs get nervous when they see a police dog?

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Why give hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee folks be evacuating like they need to.

The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask, asking for money.

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On 4/11/2018 at 5:54 PM, riley702 said:

https://www.facebook.com/hester.harrell/videos/1512366528874881/

I couldn't get it embed properly. But, these guys took a bicycle apart, taped it back together, propped it against a tree waiting for someone to steal it and filmed the results...

I really would love to find this video. A friend was a victim of bicycle theft THREE times. It’d warm his heart.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,

"Where's the self-help section?"

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose

A little legal humor:

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.”

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this. 

It’s weird being the same age as old people

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(edited)

I’ve just signed up for an online dating site.

Do you think it’s rude to ask people to send a picture holding today’s newspaper?

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I just saved a ton of money on my Christmas shopping by expressing my political views on Facebook.

Edited by annzeepark914
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What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

 

Firetruck!

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(edited)

Many years ago there used to be something called the Turtle Club. To become a member, you had to quickly answer this: Provide the four letter word for what's on the bottom of a bird cage". I think this was usually asked in a bar setting...not sure. I just looked it up and there are 4 questions (I was only asked the one I mentioned). If you passed the test, there's a special answer only Turtles can say. Egads... it's been years since I was going to bars with my friends ☺️

Edited by annzeepark914
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2 hours ago, annzeepark914 said:

Many years ago there used to be something called the Turtle Club. To become a member, you had to quickly answer this: Provide the four letter word for what's on the bottom of a bird cage". I think this was usually asked in a bar setting...not sure. I just looked it up and there are 4 questions (I was only asked the one I mentioned). If you past the test, there's a special answer only Turtles can say. Egads... it's been years since I was going to bars with my friends ☺️

What is the word on the bottom of the cage or am I missing something? 

15 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:
2 hours ago, annzeepark914 said:

Many years ago there used to be something called the Turtle Club. To become a member, you had to quickly answer this: Provide the four letter word for what's on the bottom of a bird cage". I think this was usually asked in a bar setting...not sure. I just looked it up and there are 4 questions (I was only asked the one I mentioned). If you past the test, there's a special answer only Turtles can say. Egads... it's been years since I was going to bars with my friends ☺️

What is the word on the bottom of the cage or am I missing something? 

Agreed, I think I'm missing something.  All I can think of is newspaper.  Unless they're going for a 4-letter word for what the newspaper is there to catch...?  I guess I could google it, but some things are probably best left unexplored.

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This doesn't sound like a club I want to join, but is the answer "bird"?  (I mean, my actual answer is "shit", but obviously it's supposed to be something else.)  Bird seems dumb to me, since don't they usually perch on something rather than sitting on the floor of the cage, but maybe it's supposed to be a dumb answer joke?  I don't know - add me to the list not getting the humor on this one.

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