Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[RealHousewife]

47 minutes ago, Bastet said:

That's terribly sad.  While they're not my jam (I don't even wear make-up or dye my hair, so I'm certainly not injecting botulism or going under the knife), I don't think cosmetic procedures are inherently bad; women make decisions in a sexist and ageist society, and some of them even have careers that depend on catering to that (which means they, in turn, collectively perpetuate the lie about what most women of a given age look like), and I'm never going to turn on them, instead focusing on the prejudices that created the environment in which they made their choices.

But for any given "regular" person - especially one only in her thirties - to have most of the women in her social circle choosing to undergo a cosmetic procedure?  That speaks to a goddamned epidemic of warped expectations.  Note there is no similar epidemic among men of that age to attain, especially in such intrusive and expensive ways, the male standard of attractive (which, while narrow, has nothing on that imposed on women).

That's not weird at all!  We as women are so often reduced to sex objects, accepted or dismissed based not on our personalities or abilities but on whether we're deemed a fuckable pursuit, it's indeed nice to be appreciated by a man just as a person.  Especially when that happens in a social setting, not a professional one where there is at least a moderate expectation of evaluating us on our brains not our bodies.

You're not untalented.  You're not a prodigy, which is true of almost all of us.  Cooking is a talent, among the vast majority of people who could not make a living as a chef.  Baking even more so.  (It's so typical of the patriarchy that pastry chefs, mostly women, are so low on the culinary totem pole, when their craft requires more technical skill.)  Dancing is a talent (I'm quite frankly amazed I can fuck well given how little rhythm I have as a dancer).  All careers require talent, so while whatever yours is may not be a glamorous one, that's another skill you have.

No, because hobbies are by definition things done leisurely for personal enjoyment; they're not obligations, so any time a former hobby causes more stress than pleasure, it should be dropped for at least a time.  The participation in hobbies may have the bonus of helping others, but that's not the purpose.  So if one's hobbies consist of things like watching TV, films, and theatre and posting about those experiences, shopping, walking, traveling, etc. that's a full life.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and wisdom. I’m too sleepy to say everything I want to right now, but your post really cheered me up. I greatly  appreciate it. 

[Scarlett45]

I’m sorry you’re having a rough time @RealHousewife- the truth is most people lead “regular” boring lives. Most of us work, spend time with loved ones, chores and a few things for fun (this is one of my things I do for fun). As far as not being pretty enough- that’s a myth. Attractive people may get approached more, but the world is filled with attractive people who are not lucky in love, and “regular” looking people who have deeply fulfilling relationships. As you get older the number of single people does decrease (especially for heterosexual women!). 
 

I’ve never been engaged either, and if people think that’s weird, okay. I am who I am at the end of the day. 

[oliviabenson]

@RealHousewife I read here probably five people on here anyways.

You write and express yourself eloquently I’m applauding you. I write like a dummy. I can’t express myself as well as I want. Many times I read what I wrote and it’s not well written and I feel even dumber. 
 

I used to know a very beautiful woman we are the same age. She is stunning, tall, statuesque, bright blue eyes. She wind up being an extra/commercials etc. Very few men approached her. She was always complaining about being single. She did get married a few years ago to one of the plainest looking guys ever. I’m not close to her anymore but she did get married which is what she wanted. By the way he is not making much $ either and I know this because she wanted a wealthy husband and complained that this guy R doesn’t have much $. 
 

 

They live  in his childhood room with his mom in a regular 2 bedroom apartment. (She complained about that too). 

Edited September 27, 2023 by oliviabenson

[oliviabenson]

Online dating:

if you are not conventionally attractive don’t even bother. Guys un match or don’t respond whatsoever. I used to actually write questions based on their profile. I didn’t write 

heyyyy, wyd…

I actually wrote and made an effort… What a waste, most ignored me/un matched or just ask for a hook up.

At this time if I meet someone IRL great and if I don’t oh well.

Guess now I know I am not what men want, online anyways.

One guy on hinge said: women are money hungry w””””s. Yikes on a bikes. Hinge banned me so there is that. 
 

Hope others are having better luck. 

And when guys basically write: hey wyd? Do they actually expect a response from a woman?

or you like big d”””? Like wtf!? Sir this is a Wendy’s not bookanookie.com…
 

 

[RealHousewife]

8 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

I’m sorry you’re having a rough time @RealHousewife- the truth is most people lead “regular” boring lives. Most of us work, spend time with loved ones, chores and a few things for fun (this is one of my things I do for fun). As far as not being pretty enough- that’s a myth. Attractive people may get approached more, but the world is filled with attractive people who are not lucky in love, and “regular” looking people who have deeply fulfilling relationships. As you get older the number of single people does decrease (especially for heterosexual women!). 
 

I’ve never been engaged either, and if people think that’s weird, okay. I am who I am at the end of the day. 

Thank you. You all really help me feel better. 😀

5 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

@RealHousewife I read here probably five people on here anyways.

You write and express yourself eloquently I’m applauding you. I write like a dummy. I can’t express myself as well as I want. Many times I read what I wrote and it’s not well written and I feel even dumber. 
 

I used to know a very beautiful woman we are the same age. She is stunning, tall, statuesque, bright blue eyes. She wind up being an extra/commercials etc. Very few men approached her. She was always complaining about being single. She did get married a few years ago to one of the plainest looking guys ever. I’m not close to her anymore but she did get married which is what she wanted. By the way he is not making much $ either and I know this because she wanted a wealthy husband and complained that this guy R doesn’t have much $. 
 

 

They live  in his childhood room with his mom in a regular 2 bedroom apartment. (She complained about that too). 

You are sweet, thank you. I know you relate a lot with men who just want to mess around.

Anyone here not sure they can be a great partner to someone whose love language is physical touch? I know it’s not sexual, but so many men being touchy with me over the years and it having nothing to due with love, I absolutely don’t feel loved being touched. I’ll hug friends as a greeting. I’ll hug folks I haven’t seen in awhile. I’m sure I’d crave physical touch if my partner never gave it to me, but it’s just something I have a difficult time equating with love. 

 

[Scarlett45]

2 minutes ago, RealHousewife said:

Anyone here not sure they can be a great partner to someone whose love language is physical touch? I know it’s not sexual, but so many men being touchy with me over the years and it having nothing to due with love, I absolutely don’t feel loved being touched. I’ll hug friends as a greeting. I’ll hug folks I haven’t seen in awhile. I’m sure I’d crave physical touch if my partner never gave it to me, but it’s just something I have a difficult time equating with love. 

Oh yeah that’s my last love language. I am NOT a hugger. I enjoy partnered sex as much as the next person, but it has nothing to do with love, and it’s more like an itch to be scratched. I don’t know what I would do if a guy wanted to be in my space every second we were together. I do like it when my cats sit on my lap but they are much smaller and furrier!!

I don’t know if that’s a symptom or a cause of being single!

[RealHousewife]

1 minute ago, Scarlett45 said:

Oh yeah that’s my last love language. I am NOT a hugger. I enjoy partnered sex as much as the next person, but it has nothing to do with love, and it’s more like an itch to be scratched. I don’t know what I would do if a guy wanted to be in my space every second we were together. I do like it when my cats sit on my lap but they are much smaller and furrier!!

I don’t know if that’s a symptom or a cause of being single!

Exactly! I always hear about people who hate gifts, and I’m like, anyone else not a physical touch person??? I know it’s not everyone’s favorite, but I just really don’t care for it. 

[Bastet]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

I don’t know what I would do if a guy wanted to be in my space every second we were together. I do like it when my cats sit on my lap but they are much smaller and furrier!!

Same!  For me, sex can be with someone I love, but it's not really about expressing that love; in the moment, it's just as much about physical satisfaction as when having sex with a friend with benefits (which is all I'm interested in these days, and for some time now).  Whoever it is, if we are not having sex right now, there is no need for that person to be all over me.  (And for the sake of all that is good, do not hold my hand; I am not a child who needs to be kept from wandering off.)  I'll hug and kiss as a greeting, farewell, or thanks (but I don't want it to be expected every time; that ain't gonna happen) and give or receive a comforting touch in a time of sadness, but if we're just, for example, sitting on the couch watching TV?  Don't touch me!  Whatever another person intends by it, to me it feels clingy and possessive, two characteristics I cannot abide. 

I couldn't stand it as a teenager, and as a middle aged woman find it downright ridiculous on top of everything else.  It may not be fair, but my reaction to any schmoopy stuff - verbal or physical - is "Grow up!"

[Scarlett45]

I had a really nice video date! 

I think we have a lot in common. He’s cute! Let’s see if he makes actual plans to go out. I don’t want to just keep video chatting you know what I mean. I think video chatting is fine for an initial meeting but I can video chat with my friend in Taiwan!

[oliviabenson]

NM

Edited September 29, 2023 by oliviabenson

[RealHousewife]

Has anyone here ever fallen for negging?

I’ve heard it works on people with low self-esteem. Doesn’t work on me though. I’ve always liked the guys who REALLY liked me, didn’t put me down, didn’t talk about how great other women were to me. It breaks my heart to see how negging works on some people who deserve so much better. 

[nokat]

On 10/4/2023 at 3:03 PM, RealHousewife said:

Has anyone here ever fallen for negging?

I’ve heard it works on people with low self-esteem. Doesn’t work on me though. I’ve always liked the guys who REALLY liked me, didn’t put me down, didn’t talk about how great other women were to me. It breaks my heart to see how negging works on some people who deserve so much better. 

I haven't fallen for it but it was tried on me. "I bet your hair would look great on the back of my motorcycle. You won't have to comb it."

[Browncoat]

A guy once told me he thought I'd be really pretty if I wore makeup.  I came right back at him, telling him he might be somewhat attractive if he lost weight.  One of the few times I've been able to come up with an appropriate comeback.  

[nokat]

2 hours ago, Browncoat said:

A guy once told me he thought I'd be really pretty if I wore makeup.  I came right back at him, telling him he might be somewhat attractive if he lost weight.  One of the few times I've been able to come up with an appropriate comeback.  

You look pretty without your glasses. Well, you look better too.

[RealHousewife]

Do you all have preferences between dating someone who's outgoing or shy?

Outgoing men and women get more attention and are also more likely to go after what they want. I've heard a lot of women say they like outgoing, funny men. I've heard a lot of men say they like bubbly, flirty women. You can get to know them more quickly. I'm pretty shy myself, and I think the shy, quiet guys seem to be more decent and not the type to hit on a bunch of women. I don't know if two shy people together are necessarily a great idea though. 

[Scarlett45]

4 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Do you all have preferences between dating someone who's outgoing or shy?

Outgoing men and women get more attention and are also more likely to go after what they want. I've heard a lot of women say they like outgoing, funny men. I've heard a lot of men say they like bubbly, flirty women. You can get to know them more quickly. I'm pretty shy myself, and I think the shy, quiet guys seem to be more decent and not the type to hit on a bunch of women. I don't know if two shy people together are necessarily a great idea though. 

I’m an outgoing extroverted person, so I don’t mind being the most outgoing one in the relationship but I wouldn’t be attracted to someone who was super shy or quiet. Given I’m a heterosexual woman, usually I’m the one being approached by the man (gender dynamics and all), so I haven’t had the problem. If the man shows interest I can keep the party alive if you know what I mean (not in a sexual way in a social way). 

[Browncoat]

I am very introverted.  I dated an extreme extrovert once upon a time.  It was exhausting.

[Scarlett45]

I had a really nice dinner date with Amazon guy. He’s got a nerdy vibe I dig and he’s funny. He’s involved in different things outside of work that I think are interesting. 
 

The bad news is that we are on opposite IF schedules! He’s noon-8pm, I’m 6am-2pm!!! 😂😂😂😂 but he says he will do brunch for me😋. 
 

If he asks me out again I will certainly go. 

[RealHousewife]

2 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

I had a really nice dinner date with Amazon guy. He’s got a nerdy vibe I dig and he’s funny. He’s involved in different things outside of work that I think are interesting. 
 

The bad news is that we are on opposite IF schedules! He’s noon-8pm, I’m 6am-2pm!!! 😂😂😂😂 but he says he will do brunch for me😋. 
 

If he asks me out again I will certainly go. 

A funny, nerdy guy sounds great. :) I'm glad your date went well!

[Bastet]

2 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

The bad news is that we are on opposite IF schedules!

What's an IF schedule?  An internet search just gave me intermittent fasting; is that it, that you both only eat at scheduled times, but they differ?

9 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Do you all have preferences between dating someone who's outgoing or shy?

I'm not the person to help by answering, as I don't date with an eye towards anything; I have no interest in a relationship, so I am only ever in at most a friends with benefits situation. 

But, to give some feedback:  If I were instead looking to date "traditionally", I wouldn't automatically rule out someone who's outgoing as a potential partner, but I'd keep a close eye on whether they understood my shy nature as simply a character trait and respected and worked to balance it with their opposite nature (as I would theirs) or thought me socially deficient, so tried to push me into uncomfortable scenarios in the erroneous belief it's good for me. 

[Scarlett45]

9 hours ago, Bastet said:

What's an IF schedule?  An internet search just gave me intermittent fasting; is that it, that you both only eat at scheduled times, but they differ?

18 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Yes intermittent fasting. He’s 12-8pm, I am 6am-2pm. I acknowledge that 97% of people I know are in his group and I’m the weirdo here. 😂

[JTMacc99]

18 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I don't know if two shy people together are necessarily a great idea though. 

There's nothing wrong with a match between to introverts. They just need more time to get to know each other, and then you could end up with a VERY strong bond. This is the kind of relationship that is built from people who work together, are in a club or activity together, or other scenario where they're both comfortable in their surroundings and their personalities come out.

Introverts are VERY unlikely to get together at a bar or at a meet-up or any other kind of forced mingling. We hate that shit. Introverts, shy people, can do just fine on one-on-one dates even with another shy person, but probably not on an "activity" date. Let them sit down together over a meal or something and go ahead and have a conversation exploring each other's interests. If you want to go on a bowling date (while you are still getting to know each other), at least one person needs to be an extrovert. 

19 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I've heard a lot of men say they like bubbly, flirty women. You can get to know them more quickly.

Yes, if a woman is Flirty McGee with him, it's the equivalent of showing up at the DMV with 14 different forms filled out and the clerk looks it all over and says, "Looks like everything is in order here. Here is your license to drive."

Who wouldn't like that?

[StatisticalOutlier]

1 hour ago, JTMacc99 said:

If you want to go on a bowling date (while you are still getting to know each other), at least one person needs to be an extrovert. 

Can you clarify?  At first you were talking about forced mingling, which shy people would definitely hate and introverts would be able to tolerate for only a little bit.

But in the case of the bowling date--are you talking about a one-on-one date?  What's the theory behind one of the people needing to be an extrovert?  I would think if two shy people can't figure out a way to interact while they're bowling, they're probably going to struggle mightily while just sitting across from each other.

[JTMacc99]

1 hour ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

Can you clarify?

Sure!

First, I kind of lumped together introversion with shyness, which for that quick answer was fine. But they're different things. A shy person most likely is fearful of social situations whereas an introvert just doesn't like spending a lot of time with other people (specifically people that are not close friends.)

So a bowling date would be very difficult for a shy person. Their social anxiety means they don't like it when people are watching them do things. They have fear of being embarrassed. They have fear of situations where they might be judged negatively. It's hard enough for somebody with social anxiety to go on a date in a nice quiet place, let alone adding in an activity where embarrassing yourself is virtually guaranteed unless you're great at it.

At least with an extrovert on hand, they could do a really good job at drawing all the attention toward them and simultaneously making the shy person more comfortable by feeling nobody is watching them while the life of the party is over there making a ruckus.

As for introverts, while they might not have social anxiety, what they do have is a very active inner monologue and a natural ability to be really good listeners, preferring to provide feedback than to lead conversations. If you put two of them on an activity date, like bowling, it's a pretty safe bet that the two of them are going to be concentrating on bowling, and having a nice long conversation in their head about all things bowling. They'd be better off sitting across from each other at a table where one could ask a question, the other could thoughtfully answer the question, and let the back and forth build off of that. 

If you put an extrovert in with the introvert on a bowling date, the extrovert will have the mouth going enough that the introvert will have a chance to do what they do best which is to listen and then chime in with their own thoughts. If nobody's mouth is running, then there's no chance to chime in.

ETA: And this is all just my thoughts on getting to know each other dates. Once two introverts have built a bond, they'd probably have a REALLY good time bowling. They'd be in their own little bubble where they're comfortable with each other, and they could totally look around at the other people in the alley and make up stories about them. It would be an ideal date. Not sure if the shy people would ever be completely content bowling, even if they're a happy couple together.

[Lisa418722]

I'm an introvert who would like to be a little more extroverted.  When I'm getting to know someone, I prefer a date to be a little more extroverted to get me out of my shell.  When I go out with someone who is introverted, it always seems we have nothing to say.  But if I go out with someone who is overly extroverted, I just keep quiet because there is no chance for me to say anything or I don't feel comfortable saying much of anything.  
OK, I guess this is why I'm still single.  I'm Goldilocks looking for the perfect balance between introvert and extrovert LOL.  

[JTMacc99]

14 hours ago, Lisa418722 said:

I'm an introvert who would like to be a little more extroverted. 

When I do personality tests, I lean introvert. There are things I feel very strongly about, such as I loathe forced mingling and there's only so much social time I can do before I want to leave and go sit on my couch with my dog, which cement me as an introvert.  But I don't hate social activities, and if I need to go to a work conference, I'm perfectly content talking to strangers because we have the same work goal for being there. 

So back when I thought dating was a fun thing to do, I discovered that that introvert part of me needed early dates to be one on one, preferably sitting down face to face, where we were essentially in a bubble getting to know each other. Ask open ended questions, and follow up on anything that sounded like she had strong feelings about a topic. Give well though out and honest answers to questions asked of me. 

Even though I'm introverted and am not the one who typically ever has conversations with strangers at the supermarket, I can still actually hold a conversation with somebody I don't know that well. Plus, I can tell a good story, so that helps. 

Interestingly, the one thing I didn't get a chance to do (because I'm too far away from densely populated areas where people do this kind of thing) was a speed dating event.  I thought that would be really fun. 

Put me in a room with a bunch of people and try to strike up conversations in the group? Blech.  Put me in a room where every three minutes you're sitting across from a new person trying to see if you have any interest? That sounds entertaining.

That introvert tendency to have an inner dialogue going 100 MPH would come in handy at a speed dating event. You've got a clock running! Heh. Better say what you're thinking. No time to waste! Worst/best thing that could happen is that you share what you're actually thinking without your normal filter. Person across the table will either be interested or not. But at least you put some of you out in the universe.

[Scarlett45]

@JTMacc99 I did speed dating years ago in law school, BUT I’m actually going Thursday after work. My friend wanted to go so I agreed to go along. Should be fun. 

[JTMacc99]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

@JTMacc99 I did speed dating years ago in law school, BUT I’m actually going Thursday after work. My friend wanted to go so I agreed to go along. Should be fun. 

That's great! I look forward to a recap of the experience here.

[partofme]

I did speed dating once, went with a former coworker.  Hated the whole experience and not to be shallow but the men were not attractive.  And while I wasn't interested in any of them, I checked off to match with all of them and only got something like 3 matches which was really depressing.

[JTMacc99]

I can see how not being attracted to any of the "dates" would take a LOT of the fun out of it. 

I guess I'm also speaking just for myself and my attitude about dating at the time. I would have thoroughly enjoyed the process, as it has a bit of a game to it. Like I'd have to figure out how to get a laugh or a spark or something in the time allotted. It's got a problem-solving feel to the concept. This could be (probably is) my male perspective shining through here.

Also, ANY process set up where you could sort through a bunch of potential matches that didn't involve pictures on my phone and texting was extremely interesting to me. 

And my expectations would have been to only choose like 1 or 2, if that, matches. I am not a cast-a-wide-net guy. I got to a point where I was like "I'm not even going to bother unless I'm legitimately excited about a person." And then I would do the math and assume that the 1 or 2 I chose were unlikely to choose me back. But still worth the effort just in case.

[oliviabenson]

Yet another guy wanted to meet up to make adult movies to post online. Yuck. Why am I attracting all the not in this life men? 
 

And he looked like a boring/nerdy accountant.

and 44 years old and this is what he wants from someone he never met???

[Scarlett45]

So my friend that asked me to go speed dating got a sinus infection and is in bed recuperating. 
 

So I say it was a pretty good event. One guy I actually liked, he’s a lawyer too. No one seemed creepy. 

I didn’t get to meet every single guy, and my throat was dry by the end, but only one guy was a big “no”.

The general consensus is that these apps are not giving. A number of ppl new to Chicago. 
 

It was fun! I’m exhausted though it was a long day. The food sucked, I’m pissed I wasted calories on that hummus and kung pao cauliflower (which I absolutely hated, thus ordered the hummus). 

[oliviabenson]

I decided to give the universe until my birthday to meet someone organically in real life. After that I’m done. Seriously men on apps suck. 
 

Happy TGIF!

[Scarlett45]

1 hour ago, oliviabenson said:

I decided to give the universe until my birthday to meet someone organically in real life. After that I’m done. Seriously men on apps suck. 
 

Happy TGIF!

At my speed dating event yesterday the general consensus is that these apps were NOT giving. Your hit rate is high (so volume of interactions) but the quality is low. 

[oliviabenson]

Quality is very low.

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 10/10/2023 at 8:42 AM, JTMacc99 said:

Even though I'm introverted and am not the one who typically ever has conversations with strangers at the supermarket, I can still actually hold a conversation with somebody I don't know that well. Plus, I can tell a good story, so that helps.

I'm exactly the same way.  100%.

On 10/9/2023 at 1:18 PM, JTMacc99 said:

So a bowling date would be very difficult for a shy person. Their social anxiety means they don't like it when people are watching them do things. They have fear of being embarrassed. They have fear of situations where they might be judged negatively. It's hard enough for somebody with social anxiety to go on a date in a nice quiet place, let alone adding in an activity where embarrassing yourself is virtually guaranteed unless you're great at it.

I think this is where I have the disconnect.  Of course nobody wants to suck at an activity in front of witnesses, but if it happens to me, I don't care.  I just accept the obvious and incontrovertible fact that I'm not good at bowling.  If I really cared, I know I could practice and get better, but since I don't choose to do that, then obviously I don't care terribly much, and I'm therefore not embarrassed when I bowl my usual 75.  It's just how I bowl, and has nothing to do with my worth as a person, unless caring about bowling is a personality trait that means a lot to someone.

And I actually think a bowling date would be fantastic for a shy person, because it's an activity that allows for silence, while at the same time offering lots of opportunity for spontaneous conversation.  I would think an interview-type date would be much harder for a shy person--I know I didn't enjoy the one or two I went on.

Mr. Outlier and I are both introverts, and generally shy.  Our first in-person meeting was to play putt-putt.  Neither of us is any good at putt-putt, but playing together revealed that we have a similar personality--we both tried to play well, in that we followed the rules and aimed for the hole and chose how hard to hit the ball, and we kept score, but neither of us cared who actually won.  (And neither of us remembers.)

And it was a rich environment for banter ("Um, I believe you're supposed to keep your ball inside the boundary"), but if conversation lagged, it was fine because you could just get back to the business of playing. 

Afterward, we chose to go to a restaurant nearby, which was fun because the ice had been broken, and we had things we could follow up on instead of just asking questions.

No extrovert necessary, and we agree that it was a perfect way to get to know each other.

Then our second date was to play pool, and believe me when I tell you I am a rotten pool player, while Mr. Outlier is pretty darn good.  But again--rich environment for casual banter, and an opportunity to get a glimpse of each other's personality in the wild.  Did sucking make me visibly mad?  Did I just quit even trying?  Did Mr. Outlier lord his superior skills over me?  Did he try to show me how to play better without my asking? 

And that date was even more revealing because we were meeting there, and when he arrived I said there would be a delay because some people in the parking lot had a dead battery and I was going to jump their car.  He later said that left an impression, although my take is more of a "you were warned." 

Maybe it's just our two particular personalities, but we've talked about it over the years and agree that these first few dates were spot-on.

I met a few other guys back then, also on activity dates.  But they weren't as conducive to conversation as putt-putt (or bowling).  I went roller-blading with a couple of different guys, and you're not really close enough to each other to talk easily.  Mountain-biking was even harder, because you're single file.  Water skiing was easier, since you spend some time riding in the boat together, but there's a lot of overhead any time you water ski, plus you're not really on equal footing because one of you has the expensive boat and is calling the shots. 

However, in all those cases, I got to go roller-blading or mountain-biking or skiing, so it was never even close to a waste of my time or something I regretted.

So I got to thinking about going for a walk with someone.  The awkwardness there could arise because the activity never has to be interrupted by the talking, and vice versa.  So it's really not that different from sitting across from each other at a table--if the conversation lags, somebody has to intentionally pick it back up.  If it lags when you're bowling, somebody just goes over and gets the ball, at which time it's expected that talking would cease.

Thus ends my plea for people to try (certain) activity dates when getting to know someone.  I'll just have to put it in the huge pile of ideas I have that I think everybody should adopt and nobody does.  😀

[oliviabenson]

I guess I’m cute if a guy thinks I should make a onlyfns with him, or he is trying to turn me into a p,,,titute?! 
 

I am just tired of trying to find a decent guy I can fall for. 
 

 

[RealHousewife]

58 minutes ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

I'm exactly the same way.  100%.

I think this is where I have the disconnect.  Of course nobody wants to suck at an activity in front of witnesses, but if it happens to me, I don't care.  I just accept the obvious and incontrovertible fact that I'm not good at bowling.  If I really cared, I know I could practice and get better, but since I don't choose to do that, then obviously I don't care terribly much, and I'm therefore not embarrassed when I bowl my usual 75.  It's just how I bowl, and has nothing to do with my worth as a person, unless caring about bowling is a personality trait that means a lot to someone.

 

I totally understand being concerned about not being great at an activity, but a lot of us love to see someone not be great and still have a good attitude and have fun. That is far more important than being an awesome bowler or whatever. 

36 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

I guess I’m cute if a guy thinks I should make a onlyfns with him, or he is trying to turn me into a p,,,titute?! 
 

I am just tired of trying to find a decent guy I can fall for. 
 

 

I'm sure you are cute, but I would avoid that guy. Ew. No one asks a woman he barely knows to make an OnlyFans with him.

I hear ya girl. *hug*

[JTMacc99]

1 hour ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

I think this is where I have the disconnect.  Of course nobody wants to suck at an activity in front of witnesses, but if it happens to me, I don't care.

It's that my definition of shyness materially differs from yours. Everybody can be shy sometimes. 

However a "shy person" is somebody who has a fear of interaction because they feel others may evaluate them negatively. Very much caring if witnesses see you sucking at something is exactly what defines a shy person. 

If a person went to a meeting of the Shy Club of America (if they held meetings, which they probably would not) and told them about fun bowling and roller blading dates, they would tell that person they're in the wrong place. 

I'm not saying a shy person couldn't work through their fear of looking awkward or making mistakes. To be fair, putting them in a situation where there is fun to be had is one of the best ways to help. I'm just saying that a first or second date is probably not the ideal time to work through those fears. 

 

[oliviabenson]

Guys should stop misleading about kids situation. Put it in your profile: have them, don’t want kids etc.

Totally ruins it for me to find out oh yeah 

I’m divorced and have 3 kids and my ex is evil.

Save it for the therapist, bad mouthing your ex and the mom of your kids is a no.

Or can’t have kids say so. It is what it is…

[RealHousewife]

On 10/14/2023 at 3:11 PM, oliviabenson said:

Guys should stop misleading about kids situation. Put it in your profile: have them, don’t want kids etc.

Totally ruins it for me to find out oh yeah 

I’m divorced and have 3 kids and my ex is evil.

Save it for the therapist, bad mouthing your ex and the mom of your kids is a no.

Or can’t have kids say so. It is what it is…

100%. I'm already leery of dating men with kids, one reason being due to "baby mama drama." Guys who lead with how crazy their children's mother is make me want to stay far away. 

[GHScorpiosRule]

11 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I'm already leery of dating men with kids, one reason being due to "baby mama drama."

This must be a new trend? I don't know. But about...10 years ago, I think it was, I tried using Match.com (yes, it's a paid service) and there was a guy who I connected with who was a single father. No mention of the mother (but we hadn't gotten that far yet), and who knows? We only managed to communicate via the site, and then my health took a dive, and so we never managed to actually meet. But there was nothing every skeevy or suspicious about him. And by this time, my radar was honed, after the nightmare/scam that was my first marriage and almost second, years before that.

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 10/13/2023 at 3:57 PM, JTMacc99 said:

It's that my definition of shyness materially differs from yours. Everybody can be shy sometimes. 

However a "shy person" is somebody who has a fear of interaction because they feel others may evaluate them negatively. Very much caring if witnesses see you sucking at something is exactly what defines a shy person.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I actually don't know how I would define "shy."  But I remember when I was a little kid I didn't like meeting my parents' friends, for example.  And I know it wasn't because I was afraid of being evaluated by them--I was too young for that.  And people would refer to me as shy.  I like to keep a low profile.

When I was growing up and one of us was invited to a birthday party, my mother would call the toy store and tell them to wrap a gift for the birthday kid, and we'd go pick it up and take it to the party.

I don't remember this incident, but my sister does.  I was probably about 5 or 6 years old.  My sister had a driver's license and was tasked with going to the store to pick up a present, but she had her hair in curlers so she sent me into the store to get it.  She sat outside in the car and waited, and waited, and waited, and finally she stormed into the store and saw me standing at the tall counter.  She yelled my name, and the lady on the other side of the counter leaned over and said, "Oh!  Is there someone down there?"

Apparently I'd been standing there silently the entire time, presumably waiting for someone to help me. 

I consider that a result of my being shy, but maybe that's the wrong word.

Quote

If a person went to a meeting of the Shy Club of America (if they held meetings, which they probably would not)

Maybe they should!  With strict enforcement of the golden rule:  you wouldn't like being judged by anyone in the room, so you're not allowed to judge anyone in the room. 

[oliviabenson]

What’s with guys describing how big and full their 🏀🏀 are for me 🤢

We never met keep that to yourself 

[ginger90]

15 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

What’s with guys describing how big and full their 🏀🏀 are for me 🤢

We never met keep that to yourself 

Back away from the APPS!

[oliviabenson]

5 hours ago, ginger90 said:

Back away from the APPS!

There is no where else to meet guys, real life doesn’t work 😢

[RealHousewife]

20 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

What’s with guys describing how big and full their 🏀🏀 are for me 🤢

We never met keep that to yourself 

Seriously. One of the top things I look for is a gentleman. I love polite, respectful men who care about my comfort and aren’t just after sex. I don’t even think there is anything wrong with a friend with benefits relationship, but the approach for that still matters. What woman feels safe with a man who speaks that way?

[Scarlett45]

5 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Seriously. One of the top things I look for is a gentleman. I love polite, respectful men who care about my comfort and aren’t just after sex. I don’t even think there is anything wrong with a friend with benefits relationship, but the approach for that still matters. What woman feels safe with a man who speaks that way?

Yes I agree. A guy that’s sexual with you right away screams big red “not safe” flags. 
 

Looks like speed dating was a dud. Several guys gave me high ratings but no messages. 

I haven’t heard from Amazon guy in a week so that’s a dud, but I had fun at both events and that’s what I’m doing this for, so no harm no foul. 

[RealHousewife]

On 10/17/2023 at 4:13 PM, Scarlett45 said:

Yes I agree. A guy that’s sexual with you right away screams big red “not safe” flags. 

Exactly. Some guys think it's all about the number of people they've been with. There are men who've been with their fair share of women, but they are nothing but gentlemanly and don't lead with sex. I'm sure there are guys who haven't even slept with that many women, but if they talk like they want to jump your bones right away and/or want to be with a lot of women, what conclusion am I supposed to draw? Don't try to begin a relationship with penis pics, requesting pics from me, taking flirting too far, or talking about other women and thinking I'll be flattered I'm one of many you want to bang. 

I'm not even religious, but sometimes I think I need to start dating religious men to see if I have better luck. I attract a lot of men who are bad boy types, ladies men, players, you get the picture. I want someone who values that I'm a good person, respects women, doesn't just see as rotating T&A, takes time getting to know me before tying to get sexual. I don't think that's too much to ask.

If any men are reading this, I know so many of you are such good, decent people. Some women like me and my girl Olivia just constantly attract these awful guys. It can be disheartening. .  

[Scarlett45]

57 minutes ago, RealHousewife said:

I'm not even religious, but sometimes I think I need to start dating religious men to see if I have better luck. I attract a lot of men who are bad boy types, ladies men, players, you get the picture. I want someone who values that I'm a good person, respects women, doesn't just see as rotating T&A, takes time getting to know me before tying to get sexual. I don't think that's too much to ask.

 

I joke that very religious people LOVE ME😂, of all ages, genders and backgrounds. 

But I agree- men that are sexually promiscuous aren’t necessarily the ones that are rude assholes, and don’t violate boundaries. Plenty of “players” are gentlemen and aren’t sexually entitled.

Are you religious? I’ve found that 1. Men of genuine faith tend to partner young (like younger than 25) and 2. If they are religious they want someone who is the same- not necessarily the same religion, but that it has to be just a big a part of your life as it is theirs or there is a major incompatibility.