Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[StatisticalOutlier]

This is all so sad.  Mr. Outlier and I met on matchmaker.com (a free site) 24 years ago.  I've never liked pictures of myself, and hate having my picture taken, so my profile photo was me in the 1st grade, in my Catholic school uniform, complete with beanie.  I recall going to Kinko's to digitize it and put it on a floppy. 

Mr. Outlier used his Malibu Grand Prix driver's license photo, and being the computer sophisticate he was, added some clouds to the background to make it look less driver's license-y. 

Not once did anyone I corresponded with make any crude remarks, and I don't recall anybody simply not replying.  In fact, only a couple of times did I get just a "you want to meet?" with no other emailing.  The guys I met were pretty much as they represented themselves, except one was only aspirationally 5'7", but that happens all the time.  (And he would have no way of knowing this, but my previous boyfriend was shorter than I was; we never measured him but I'm guessing 5'5" or maybe a hair under--about this guy's height, as it turned out.  He could have saved himself some embarrassment.  I feel so sorry for short guys--if they tell the truth, the vast majority of women will reject them out of hand, but if they lie, the lie is going to be revealed.  It's a no-win situation.)

Anyway, there was no dishonesty that I ever uncovered, and certainly no fake profiles.  I said I didn't want kids (of my own or anyone else's), and one guy was persistent in telling me how great his kids were (via email--I never met him because I said I didn't want anybody with kids) but that is as annoying as anyone got. 

I look at what people go through these days and my heart breaks, knowing what a civilized place online dating used to be.  Back then, it was kind of embarrassing to say we'd met online but it gradually became more common and therefore less embarrassing.  But now I'm embarrassed again because unless people are paying attention, they're liable to think I would put up with what online dating has become, and I wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole. 

[emma675]

I think it matters if you're paying for an app or using a free one. The free ones seem to be a mess of people trolling for sex, flat out trolling, etc. I think the paid apps are a little more legit simply because the trollers don't want to pay for what they can do for free on other apps. And I also think people who pay to use a dating app are going to be more serious and put more thought and effort in so they aren't wasting their money. 

I haven't used a paid dating app before - I'm not opposed to it, I'm just happy where I am right now, being single. If I find someone in real life, great; if not, I'm fine with that, too. But when you put so much pressure on yourself to not be single, I think it can be harder to connect with someone because they feel that vibe somehow and it can scare some people off. 

[RealHousewife]

44 minutes ago, emma675 said:

I think it matters if you're paying for an app or using a free one. The free ones seem to be a mess of people trolling for sex, flat out trolling, etc. I think the paid apps are a little more legit simply because the trollers don't want to pay for what they can do for free on other apps. And I also think people who pay to use a dating app are going to be more serious and put more thought and effort in so they aren't wasting their money. 

I haven't used a paid dating app before - I'm not opposed to it, I'm just happy where I am right now, being single. If I find someone in real life, great; if not, I'm fine with that, too. But when you put so much pressure on yourself to not be single, I think it can be harder to connect with someone because they feel that vibe somehow and it can scare some people off. 

Yes, that's what I thought.

Same boat as you. I'd love a partner, but as an anxious and picky person, I'm not on the prowl. I do find dating app stories interesting. 

[Lantern7]

I’m using OKC.

I don’t need a woman to show me the magic of Christmas. I just want to be with someone. But I’d be up for going through a figurative marathon of Hallmark movies if needed.

Im not too desperate, am I? 😳😳😜

[theredhead77]

9 hours ago, emma675 said:

But when you put so much pressure on yourself to not be single, I think it can be harder to connect with someone because they feel that vibe somehow and it can scare some people off. 

Or attract people who are looking for someone desperate which rarely results in a healthy relationship. 

[oliviabenson]

I know someone who is paying for a site. She said their moms must be paying for the subscription. She gets mostly hook up requests. 
 

I think guys want sex and don’t want to court a girl properly. I guess some women want a one night stand only, 

[JTMacc99]

Using a paid app, like match, is a slightly more civilized way to go about it.

But if you're trying to avoid men who are just out there casting a wide net to see what they can catch, the ONLY difference between them and the ones on free apps is that they're willing to invest $20 into the effort. 

It did feel to me that the women on the paid apps (and I am talking about women over 40, so this is specific to that group) were generally speaking seriously hoping to find a long term relationship.

On the free apps, even over 40, there was a significant population who seemed to be using the apps like it was Amazon for men. Lot's of shopping, maybe even putting something in the cart, but not actually buying anything. 

Wait... It was more like eBay for men. Even if the pictures looked reasonable, heaven knows what kind of damage they actually have.

[possibilities]

Anyone want to make a list of other ways to meet folks, i.e. not via online dating apps?

I'm super-single these days, but in the past I never ever found anyone when I was looking. It always happened by chance, in the course of living my life and doing other things. 

I'd like to think there are more ways than chance, and I do know a couple who met via a personal ad in a newspaper (they've been together for decades, as you can tell from that description), but mostly the couples I know also found each other by chance in the course of life.

[Bastet]

15 hours ago, emma675 said:

But when you put so much pressure on yourself to not be single,

You waste a tremendous amount of emotional energy that could have been put to good use.

I actively do not want a romantic relationship, so I try to take a step back and be sympathetic to those on a quest for one, but so much of the time it makes me sad what people, especially women, put themselves through.

Seeing stuff like this

15 hours ago, emma675 said:

I'm just happy where I am right now, being single. If I find someone in real life, great; if not, I'm fine with that, too.

is always a relief.

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, possibilities said:

Anyone want to make a list of other ways to meet folks, i.e. not via online dating apps?

My friends who did not meet their partners online met through mutual activities. Our love of an amusement park formed bonds, social sports, pub trivia are some of the ways my friends met their partners.

[RealHousewife]

I agree about hobbies. I don’t have many hobbies that attract a lot of single men, but I’ve met quite a few guys through acting and dancing. Some people are against it, but I know of several couples who’ve met at the gym. My sister is one of them. Patti Stanger really recommends sports bars and steakhouses, but as a nonsporty vegetarian, neither is for me. They may be good options for some of you though. 

As much as I don’t love the apps, I have multiple friends who’ve met good guys using them, even the free ones. I recommend talking for a while before ever meeting in person since there are still sadly so many jerks. 

[Jaded]

I remember when my Mom used those sites in the 2000's. She never put disabled because she didn't look it and always heard "but you don't look" sick from people a lot. Not that hearing it made her feel any better. My Mom was in her 50's so under occupation she'd put retired. Just about all the replies she got would be from guys thinking she was wealthy. After talking for a bit some of them would even try to ask for stuff. All of that made me never want to try those sites. Even after my Mom died I was only a caregiver for a cat I enjoyed my peace and quiet more then wanting to look for someone especially now with the way so many people are now and I'm not. 

[RealHousewife]

I just wish there were a way to date without dating. I am typically against dating coworkers, but you do learn a lot from someone just being around them each day. How do they speak about women? Do they only value women for our bodies/sex? How do they speak about people of color and LGBT? I want to know someone is decent before dealing with the anxiety that comes with dating. Despite my age, I still worry about things like being vegetarian being an issue, getting food in my teeth, smeared makeup, dealing with a guy who won’t leave me alone afterwards if I don’t want another date, etc. I’ve tried to tell myself to view dating as fun like on Sex & the City, but I’d still rather not unless I know a guy is definitely a good person. I’ve talked about my dating anxiety in therapy, but I don’t really feel any better about it tbh.

[Bastet]

Among the long-term romantic relationships I know the details of, there's only one where they met via a dating app (they're no longer a couple, but were together for about ten years and remain friends, so it's a success story).  Most met via a mutual friend (not being set up by that friend, things like meeting at a party at the friend's house) or a group activity.

[theredhead77]

I plan to start dating after I move. This is a partial list of my general standards:

• Don't be clingy. It's fine if you want to message me during the workday, but I can't drop everything to reply to you. Same thing on the weekends. I don't live on my phone. I'll respond in a timely fashion but if you blow up my phone because I'm not responding fast enough for you, byeboi.
• Ask me actual questions. I won't do the "how are you. good, how is your day" volley. If we don't progress out of that on the initial chat it never will.
• Looking for someone to compliment their life. I'm not looking to be someone's entire life and I don't want them to be mine.
• Life together (job, car, own place). I only date men my age (mid 40s), I want someone at the same life place as me
• Furnished and tidy home. Again, we're not in our 20s. Have a couch, coffee table, dresser, bed off the floor, décor on the walls, actual plates and cutlery, etc...
• Able to cook. Doesn't have to be gourmet but if we progress I'm not going to be the only one cooking

I plan to join Tinder and Bumble along with joining social sports and attending some meet-up groups for activities I like (breweries, etc...) to meet new people and form a new social circle. I have friends where I'm going, so I'm hopeful that things will be much better there than they are here.

Edited December 10, 2022 by theredhead77

[RealHousewife]

38 minutes ago, Bastet said:

Among the long-term romantic relationships I know the details of, there's only one where they met via a dating app (they're no longer a couple, but were together for about ten years and remain friends, so it's a success story).  Most met via a mutual friend (not being set up by that friend, things like meeting at a party at the friend's house) or a group activity.

I always end up being hit on by a friend's brother at parties for some reason. 

30 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

I plan to start dating after I move. This is a partial list of my general standards:

• Don't be clingy. It's fine if you want to message me during the workday, but I can't drop everything to reply to you. Same thing on the weekends. I don't live on my phone. I'll respond in a timely fashion but if you blow up my phone because I'm not responding fast enough for you, byeboi.
• Ask me actual questions. I won't do the "how are you. good, how is your day" volley. If we don't progress out of that on the initial chat it never will.
• Looking for someone to compliment their life. I'm not looking to be someone's entire life and I don't want them to be mine.
• Life together (job, car, own place). I only date men my age (mid 40s), I want someone at the same life place as me
• Furnished and tidy home. Again, we're not in college. Have a couch, coffee table, dresser, bed off the floor, décor on the walls, actual plates and cutlery, etc...
• Able to cook. Doesn't have to be gourmet but if we progress I'm not going to be the only one cooking

I plan to join Tinder and Bumble along with joining social sports and attending some meet-up groups for activities I like (breweries, etc...) to meet new people and form a new social circle. I have friends where I'm going, so I'm hopeful that things will be much better there than they are here.

It's nice having a list! I look for a lot of what you posted. Dealing with clinginess can be annoying, especially when you really like your independence. 

Yeah the how are you, how was your day guys are boring. You don't need to be the most entertaining dude on the planet, but have opinions, joke around, etc. 

I also want a man who has a job. I always thought that was such a given, until my sister got with someone who hasn't worked in several years. He doesn't have his own place, nor know how to cook either. Basically, I want a grown man. He doesn't need to have the most fancy job or home or be a chef, but I'd like for him to be an adult. 

My main list is: within a few years or so of my age, kind, nonsmoker, childfree. I know it's superficial, but I also like a guy who's at least a true 5'10" or 5'11" because I'm a tall chick who likes my high heels. I know childfree is harder to find the older you get, and I'm open to a father of one who has no drama with his ex, but my preference is definitely childfree. 

[Annber03]

20 hours ago, emma675 said:

I haven't used a paid dating app before - I'm not opposed to it, I'm just happy where I am right now, being single. If I find someone in real life, great; if not, I'm fine with that, too. But when you put so much pressure on yourself to not be single, I think it can be harder to connect with someone because they feel that vibe somehow and it can scare some people off. 

This sums up my feelings perfectly, too. Honestly, if I ever were to meet someone online, I feel like it would be through some fandom site where we both hang out, instead of on a dating app. We'd already have something in common because of our shared love of whatever thing we like, so that'd be a fun way to start connecting further. 

But yeah, while I'm not opposed to dating apps, either, in and of themselves, too many true crime shows* have made me a bit wary of them (or of a lot of means of meeting guys in general, really) :p. 

*One time, some true crime show featured a story about a couple who met online only for things to go horribly awry. One of the commercials they aired during that program? An ad for an online dating service. 

[oliviabenson]

Spent a few hours chatting with a guy. Instead of saying hey this isn’t for me they block me/unmatch. That’s so rude.

[RealHousewife]

Just now, Annber03 said:

This sums up my feelings perfectly, too. Honestly, if I ever were to meet someone online, I feel like it would be through some fandom site where we both hang out, instead of on a dating app. We'd already have something in common because of our shared love of whatever thing we like, so that'd be a fun way to start connecting further. 

But yeah, while I'm not opposed to dating apps, either, in and of themselves, too many true crime shows* have made me a bit wary of them (or of a lot of means of meeting guys in general, really) :p. 

*One time, some true crime show featured a story about a couple who met online only for things to go horribly awry. One of the commercials they aired during that program? An ad for an online dating service. 

Wow!

There have been times I've been approached for my number by cute strangers, and much as I want to, I haven't given my number to them. There are just so many creepers out there. And unfortunately if someone has your phone number, more than likely they can find out where you live. I go out on walks. I never thought it would be a problem cause where I walk it's mostly just a few old folks and me, but sometimes older men will ask me for my name, what I do, if I live around there, if I'd like to be friends, etc. You want to be friendly, but I always fear the worst. I have experienced dating a guy who wouldn't leave me alone after I wasn't interested. He blew up my phone and kept popping up around me. I've also experienced when they somehow find contact information I never gave them. Be careful everyone.

[oliviabenson]

1 minute ago, RealHousewife said:

Wow!

There have been times I've been approached for my number by cute strangers, and much as I want to, I haven't given my number to them. There are just so many creepers out there. And unfortunately if someone has your phone number, more than likely they can find out where you live. I go out on walks. I never thought it would be a problem cause where I walk it's mostly just a few old folks and me, but sometimes older men will ask me for my name, what I do, if I live around there, if I'd like to be friends, etc. You want to be friendly, but I always fear the worst. I have experienced dating a guy who wouldn't leave me alone after I wasn't interested. He blew up my phone and kept popping up around me. I've also experienced when they somehow find contact information I never gave them. Be careful everyone.

I use a free app that gives me a free phone number. That’s the number I give out.

[aradia22]

@oliviabenson What do you use? I used Google Voice when I was doing phone banking and also for an old job but I don't use it consistently enough to keep it. Also, I feel like GV has too much overlap with old users and I'd worry about privacy. They seem to preserve old texts and voicemails. 

[RealHousewife]

40 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

@oliviabenson What do you use? I used Google Voice when I was doing phone banking and also for an old job but I don't use it consistently enough to keep it. Also, I feel like GV has too much overlap with old users and I'd worry about privacy. They seem to preserve old texts and voicemails. 

I have GV too but have barely used it. 

[Bookworm 1979]

I'm in a long-term relationship but if I woke up tomorrow and was single I would never do the dating thing again. 

[Bastet]

5 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

Don't be clingy. It's fine if you want to message me during the workday, but I can't drop everything to reply to you. Same thing on the weekends. I don't live on my phone. I'll respond in a timely fashion but if you blow up my phone because I'm not responding fast enough for you, byeboi.

It's not just dates, either.  I have two fairly new acquaintances, potential friends (especially one relationship I'm quite keen on developing), so we're in the getting to know you stage, and with both I'm dealing with the Are you okay?/Did you get my email?/Where are you?/Did I say something wrong? follow-ups when I don't reply - to a general chitchat email, not one containing any question even remotely time-sensitive - in a few days (when I do always promptly reply to anything that necessitates a timely response).  We just need to learn each other's habits, manage expectations, and it will work out, but, goddamn, sometimes I feel stalked.  

[aradia22]

Eh... I think it's kind of rude to leave someone on read for days. I communicate mostly through IM so I think of text conversations as things that largely happen in real time. Anything outside the flow of a normal conversation gets a response in a day or two if it's someone I'm friendly with unless it's something that doesn't require an actual response (e.g. a link to an article). The exception is if someone is trying to reach me on a random social media platform that I don't check regularly, but my friends have other ways of contacting me. 

btw, I deleted my okcupid account like 2 years ago and I have no regrets. I do think if you're not actively looking for a partner, you should delete the apps. The way they're designed doesn't do good things for your brain. 

[JTMacc99]

15 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I know it's superficial, but I also like a guy who's at least a true 5'10" or 5'11" because I'm a tall chick who likes my high heels.

Looks are important. You are on a dating app to find someone you would be happy to talk to, listen to, and look at for the rest of your life. 
 

It is not superficial to say you have a feature you find attractive in a mate. 

[Scarlett45]

My dating life has been on a lull since the pandemic-I did meet a guy on a walk in my park last summer which provided a lot of entertainment for about 6weeks but that’s it. 
 

I’ve had pretty good experiences with online dating, as a hetero woman, the paid ones aren’t a bad investment because I do usually “make that back” in coffee/dinners etc. I did brunch a lot as a second date because it was cheap and didn’t tie up my entire day. I met people, but not anyone I liked a lot, and as I get older I find more men are partnered and it’s harder to find childfree people. I’m thinking the tide will turn as people start divorcing etc. 

[Bastet]

12 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Eh... I think it's kind of rude to leave someone on read for days. I communicate mostly through IM so I think of text conversations as things that largely happen in real time.

These are e-mails, and I am not on my computer outside of business hours and checking in a couple of times a day on weekends.  If something is timely, it gets a prompt response.  If it's a cat story and telling me what movie they watched on Netflix, maybe it gets a prompt response, but maybe I don't reply for a few days; it depends on what else I have to do.  Chit chat is not urgent, and three days is not a long time.  Everyone is in such a damn rush these days.

Edited December 10, 2022 by Bastet

[theredhead77]

If a dude texted me either of those as a message I'd un-match without a second thought.

[oliviabenson]

13 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

If a dude texted me either of those as a message I'd un-match without a second thought.

It was going great until that comment. I said bye boy. 
 

[oliviabenson]

Met another jewel last night. He is 58 and is desperate to have babies NOW. He is so pushy/interrogating me. 
 

[Jaded]

1 minute ago, oliviabenson said:

Met another jewel last night. He is 58 and is desperate to have babies NOW. He is so pushy/interrogating me. 
 

[oliviabenson]

4 minutes ago, Jaded said:

Best part: he lives with his parents at 58! Next prize please !

[Bastet]

5 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

Best part: he lives with his parents at 58!

On its own, that's not automatically a bad thing -- at that age, it could be that someone lives with their parents to help them, not because they're still being financially supported by their parents.  But given his aggressive behavior and baby fever, no benefit of the doubt in this particular case!

[Lantern7]

I got a like. I liked her back. She wrote in the profile and there’s a lot of overlap between us, so maybe I can at least get to preliminary talks with her. 🤷‍♂️

[isalicat]

1 hour ago, Lantern7 said:

I got a like. I liked her back. She wrote in the profile and there’s a lot of overlap between us, so maybe I can at least get to preliminary talks with her. 🤷‍♂️

Okay so now you relax! Focus on your mutual interests first and keep it light and mostly impersonal. Good luck!

[oliviabenson]

4 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

I got a like. I liked her back. She wrote in the profile and there’s a lot of overlap between us, so maybe I can at least get to preliminary talks with her. 🤷‍♂️

Good luck!

[theredhead77]

A Reddit thread about red flags on a first date. All I can say is YIKES (and also taking notes). 

Edited December 12, 2022 by theredhead77
Edited to add the link.

[oliviabenson]

Why are guys such jerks? Every time I chat with a guy who seems okay he turns into a horrible guy. 
 

Is there no sweet kind guys left ? 
 

I don’t want a 1 night stand I want a serious relationship with a decent guy.

[Lantern7]

13 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

Why are guys such jerks? Every time I chat with a guy who seems okay he turns into a horrible guy. 
 

Is there no sweet kind guys left ? 
 

I don’t want a 1 night stand I want a serious relationship with a decent guy.

I feel that description applies to me . . . but I’m willing to bet at least fifteen percent of jerks honestly think they’re lovable, and they haven’t had that realization yet.

Just throwing that out there. 🤷‍♂️😜

[oliviabenson]

I had a whole relationship online that lasted 3 days. We met, he was horribly abusive toward me, he dumped me. I had whiplash. 
 

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, oliviabenson said:

I had a whole relationship online that lasted 3 days. We met, he was horribly abusive toward me, he dumped me. I had whiplash. 
 

On the plus side, he showed his true colors after just 3 days of chatting and you were able to walk away without any significant time lost or investment.

Edited December 12, 2022 by theredhead77

[oliviabenson]

20 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

On the plus side, he showed his true colors after just 3 days of chatting and you were able to walk away without any significant time lost or investment.

He was so toxic and playing mind games. Demanding we meet today etc. called me stupid. I was like who is this clown? 

[RealHousewife]

2 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

He was so toxic and playing mind games. Demanding we meet today etc. called me stupid. I was like who is this clown? 

Keep hope alive honey. Even though I haven’t found my person yet due to my own issues, some relating to men and some not, I do think good guys exist. 

[oliviabenson]

I got a date for Friday with a really cute guy. So far he is nice. and he has a dog! I love dogs !

[SoMuchTV]

13 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

I got a date for Friday with a really cute guy. So far he is nice. and he has a dog! I love dogs !

Okay, I have to ask. Is his name @Lantern7? Because that would make a really good story. 

[oliviabenson]

Maybe ! 

20 minutes ago, SoMuchTV said:

Okay, I have to ask. Is his name @Lantern7? Because that would make a really good story. 

20 minutes ago, SoMuchTV said:

Okay, I have to ask. Is his name @Lantern7? Because that would make a really good story. 

It would make a good book !

[Lantern7]

If only. If only. 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

[oliviabenson]

12 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

If only. If only. 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Are you a male ? 

[Lantern7]

32 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

Are you a male ? 

Technically, yes. Also, technically, I'm an adult . .  . though I have moments where I don't feel like I "adult" enough.