Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[JTMacc99]

The best way to get the benefit of the doubt is to be really good looking. If I decide to go back into the online dating world, I'm going to need to figure out how to be more attractive.

[RealHousewife]

6 hours ago, HerkyJerky said:

OMG! JTMACC99, isn't that the truth!  That's why I stopped online dating. Every woman I met said that I SEEMED like a nice guy but you could tell that they were just waiting for the other shoe to fall.  I wanted to SCREAM that this is America; you're presumed innocent until found guilty!

I think so many of us, including men, know everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning. Who hasn’t been fooled by a phony nice persona? We’re all told we’re just dating representatives at first. So i get why there are so many skeptical women, and I’m sure there are many skeptical men too. I get the frustration when you’re a genuinely good human and have to deal with the guilty until proven innocent folks. I’ve even experienced this with platonic friendships, coworkers, etc., folks who’ve been burned so badly they just assume everyone is bad news. It’s annoying, but I understand it to a degree. I’m sure you guys have dated women who are so pretty and seem so sweet, then you get to know them...

[HerkyJerky]

14 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I’m sure you guys have dated women who are so pretty and seem so sweet, then you get to know them...

TOTALLY, RealHousewife!  The whole purpose of dating is to find out who that person REALLY is but I think the distinction is that I go into it thinking that the person is nice until they prove otherwise, rather than the other way around!

[RealHousewife]

4 hours ago, HerkyJerky said:

TOTALLY, RealHousewife!  The whole purpose of dating is to find out who that person REALLY is but I think the distinction is that I go into it thinking that the person is nice until they prove otherwise, rather than the other way around!

I understand. 🙂 No one wants to feel like they're on trial trying to prove they're not a bad person while they're dating. 

[theredhead77]

On 12/17/2020 at 3:04 PM, JTMacc99 said:

And then there's the relentless ghosting.  The real life equivalent of just turning around and walking away from somebody mid-conversation.

Just some food for thought on this - it's a lot easier to just stop responding and/or unmatch if when you're just not interested or just not feeling it instead of dealing with the very real risk of being verbally abused or bombarded with texts demanding why you don't want to talk to them by someone who seemed nice but was actually BSC (bat shit crazy). 

[RealHousewife]

What are everyone's thoughts on a woman who's childfree and wants a family of her own dating a father of three? I always said I wouldn't date a man with that many kids, but he's someone I had a crush on for years who recently became available...

[ginger90]

5 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

What are everyone's thoughts on a woman who's childfree and wants a family of her own dating a father of three? I always said I wouldn't date a man with that many kids, but he's someone I had a crush on for years who recently became available...

My middle daughter is unable to have children. She dated, and married a father of two. They are a wonderful family together. 😁

[Quof]

13 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

he's someone I had a crush on for years who recently became available...

Ask Katie Holmes how that worked out. 

[RealHousewife]

8 minutes ago, Quof said:

Ask Katie Holmes how that worked out. 

lol Hollywood can make things trickier, but Tom did have the money to support a family with her. I could be wrong, but I don't think this guy makes a ton of money. He does okay, but I'm sure he has his hands full supporting the children he already has. I know it's probably not smart of me to even entertain being with him, but I have never been more attracted to anyone, and he is a good guy. That's basically always what I run into though. It's either chemistry but not compatibility or vice versa for me. 

[theredhead77]

18 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

What are everyone's thoughts on a woman who's childfree and wants a family of her own dating a father of three? I always said I wouldn't date a man with that many kids, but he's someone I had a crush on for years who recently became available...

If you want your own babies with a future partner you better make sure he or anyone you want to date wants kids or more kids.  By the time you get to a certain age you know if you want kids, don't want kids, want more kids or don't want more kids and it's not something that is really negotiable. 

5 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I could be wrong, but I don't think this guy makes a ton of money. He does okay, but I'm sure he has his hands full supporting the children he already has. I know it's probably not smart of me to even entertain being with him, but I have never been more attracted to anyone, and he is a good guy. That's basically always what I run into though. It's either chemistry but not compatibility or vice versa for me. 

Sounds more like this is lust or a crush but it also sounds like he's not a good match for you and the lifestyle you want down the road, at least on paper.

[RealHousewife]

14 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

If you want your own babies with a future partner you better make sure he or anyone you want to date wants kids or more kids.  By the time you get to a certain age you know if you want kids, don't want kids, want more kids or don't want more kids and it's not something that is really negotiable. 

Sounds more like this is lust or a crush but it also sounds like he's not a good match for you and the lifestyle you want down the road, at least on paper.

Yeah, I know some people love huge families and will make it work one way or another, even on a tight budget. I couldn't handle being that stressed out myself. My ideal situation is two kids. With him, two of his kids are still minors, one of them being in elementary school. So it's not like he's done being a dad. Those men are typically done even if they only had two max. Their kids are grown and they don't want to start with diapers again. But since this guy has three and isn't rich, I doubt he'd want more. I wouldn't want any more if I were in his shoes and had three college tuitions to pay for. 

Yeah basically. 😞 There's some stuff we have in common as far as hobbies. He's a nice guy and kindhearted, but we're not compatible and also have different ideology. It's mostly an attraction thing. I'm not normally that superficial beyond wanting to be attracted to someone. They don't have to be conventionally handsome guys at all. But this guy is so gorgeous, tall, nice build. I was really flattered to find out he was attracted to me too. 

Thanks for the feedback everyone! I appreciate any thoughts on this. I know it's not smart to pursue it, but he's just so dreamy. lol

Edited January 7, 2021 by RealHousewife

[aradia22]

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What are everyone's thoughts on a woman who's childfree and wants a family of her own dating a father of three? I always said I wouldn't date a man with that many kids, but he's someone I had a crush on for years who recently became available...

In general? It's not something I would do, but if you're emotionally prepared for the responsibilities and possible complications of an instant family, it shouldn't be a deal breaker. That is, I don't think it's always a mistake if you think you would be able to step into the mom/wife role.

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I know it's probably not smart of me to even entertain being with him, but I have never been more attracted to anyone, and he is a good guy.

As for this specific situation, if he's open to it, you could just try going on a few dates without any pressure to meet his kids or turn it into more (until you felt like it was going in that direction). 

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Yeah basically. 😞 There's some stuff we have in common as far as hobbies. He's a nice guy and kindhearted, but we're not compatible and also have different ideology. It's mostly an attraction thing. I'm not normally that superficial beyond wanting to be attracted to someone. They don't have to be conventionally handsome guys at all. But this guy is so gorgeous, tall, nice build. I was really flattered to find out he was attracted to me too. 

But it sounds like you recognize there's not much of a future there, kids aside. You just think he's hot. Which is totally fine. I support it. If he's on the same page, go on a date (keeping in mind coronavirus guidelines and everything, of course) and get your kisses in. 😉 As long as you're not putting your life on hold waiting for him or catching feels, I support hooking up with a hot guy and (safely) having as much fun as you want to. 😉😉 

[RealHousewife]

37 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

In general? It's not something I would do, but if you're emotionally prepared for the responsibilities and possible complications of an instant family, it shouldn't be a deal breaker. That is, I don't think it's always a mistake if you think you would be able to step into the mom/wife role.

As for this specific situation, if he's open to it, you could just try going on a few dates without any pressure to meet his kids or turn it into more (until you felt like it was going in that direction). 

But it sounds like you recognize there's not much of a future there, kids aside. You just think he's hot. Which is totally fine. I support it. If he's on the same page, go on a date (keeping in mind coronavirus guidelines and everything, of course) and get your kisses in. 😉 As long as you're not putting your life on hold waiting for him or catching feels, I support hooking up with a hot guy and (safely) having as much fun as you want to. 😉😉 

Yeah, many men over 30 are fathers, so I don't have endless childfree options, but there are still some out there. This man is actually older than me too. I love kids and am very independent. So I'm not someone who'd mind being around his children and helping out. I also am cool with having to share him. I value my alone time. I don't know a ton about his ex-wife, but she is an educated woman, a hustler (in terms of work) and seems like a doting mother. I don't think she's the drama type who'd freak me out. If I thought there'd be drama with a crazy lady, I wouldn't even entertain a hookup. But yeah the complications are a legitimate concern. If I were content not having kids of my own, he'd probably be great even though we have different views on things. We have some similar hobbies, but I know attraction and fun aren't enough to sustain a relationship in the long run. 

Haha thanks! I'm a good girl, but there are always exceptions. If you saw him, you'd totally understand! 😂

[Bastet]

My vote: When sustained close contact is safe again, go bang him for a couple of months - or longer if neither of you catches feelings and/or meets someone else to pursue a potential long-term relationship with - if you've got a good case of the mutual hots for each other.  But if you want biological kids and he's already produced three (which should mean he's done) and you have different fundamental world views, he doesn't have serious relationship potential, so just don't fool yourself into wasting time based on the hope for something else that isn't going to/shouldn't materialize.

And if you think those boundaries will be blurred from jump, just avoid the whole thing.

Edited January 7, 2021 by Bastet

[RealHousewife]

11 minutes ago, Bastet said:

My vote: When sustained close contact is safe again, go bang him for a couple of months - or longer if neither of you catches feelings and/or meets someone else to pursue a potential long-term relationship with - if you've got a good case of the mutual hots for each other.  But if you want biological kids and he's already produced three (which should mean he's done) and you have different fundamental world views, he doesn't have serious relationship potential, so just don't fool yourself into wasting time based on the hope for something else that isn't going to/shouldn't materialize.

And if you think those boundaries will be blurred from jump, just avoid the whole thing.

Thank you! You are all giving great advice. It's what I know deep down, but it helps getting opinions. He'd be a great Mr. Right Now, and honestly, most men who haven't been divorced for a long time aren't looking for anything heavy anyway. Maybe we can have some fun, and then hopefully we'll both meet people who are more compatible with us. My ideal guy is childfree or has one or two max and wants and is able to support more. His ideal partner is probably someone content not having biological kids or someone who's also already had them. 

[aradia22]

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Haha thanks! I'm a good girl, but there are always exceptions. If you saw him, you'd totally understand! 😂

I mean, same but I very easily could have hooked up with that Instagram guy if he hadn't revealed himself to be a giant, gaping asshole so quickly. XD 

I blame quarantine madness 😉 

[theredhead77]

18 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Haha thanks! I'm a good girl, but there are always exceptions. If you saw him, you'd totally understand! 😂

 

17 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I mean, same but I very easily could have hooked up with that Instagram guy if he hadn't revealed himself to be a giant, gaping asshole so quickly. XD 

I blame quarantine madness 😉 

I'm going to shout this for the people in the back: there is nothing wrong with hooking up to hook up, or having a friends with benefits, or whatever kink floats your boat as long as both parties are able to legally consent and are in agreement to what the situation is. If it's not your thing it's not your thing. If it is your thing, make smart  and safe choices and get your freak on!

Edited January 7, 2021 by theredhead77

[RealHousewife]

Any ladies getting hit on more lately or any of you gentlemen hitting on women more while shopping? I got my fair share of attention from men pre-covid, but I keep getting hit on out shopping lately. This was more of a once in awhile occurrence before. I don't know if I should be flattered by these incidences or offended guys like me better with a mask. 😂 Could it be that since men aren't going to bars, clubs, various group events to pick up women that they're now doing it more at grocery stores and such? 

[theredhead77]

6 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Any ladies getting hit on more lately or any of you gentlemen hitting on women more while shopping? I got my fair share of attention from men pre-covid, but I keep getting hit on out shopping lately. This was more of a once in awhile occurrence before. I don't know if I should be flattered by these incidences or offended guys like me better with a mask. 😂 Could it be that since men aren't going to bars, clubs, various group events to pick up women that they're now doing it more at grocery stores and such? 

Nope. But never in my life have I been hit on at the grocery store. I really thought that was something that happened in the movies and not IRL.

[Bastet]

3 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

But never in my life have I been hit on at the grocery store. I really thought that was something that happened in the movies and not IRL.

I once got hit on at the grocery store with my mom, when I was about 15/16 and the guy was probably early twenties.  So fucking gross!

I don't recall any other grocery store come-ons, but I've had several in the hardware store, a mix between condescending let me offer the little lady my manly knowledge overtures and fetishizing ooh, you know how to use tools - boner! advances.  Either way, pass; I am here shopping for something I need, not dick.

My absolute favorite take on the grocery store as pick-up joint is on Designing Women, when Mary Jo decides to follow the advice of one of those "how to trap myself a man" book for the weekend and see what happens.  Feeling ridiculous all spruced up in the Piggly Wiggly, she logically attempts to actually get her grocery shopping done while she scans for eligible bachelors.  Suzanne tell her she does not have a cart conducive to romance:  "Mary Jo, men do not come up and talk to a woman who's wheeling around a 25-pound sack of dog food and a big box of Kotex."

[possibilities]

But the man that did flirt with you under those conditions would be The One!

[partofme]

15 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Any ladies getting hit on more lately or any of you gentlemen hitting on women more while shopping? I got my fair share of attention from men pre-covid, but I keep getting hit on out shopping lately. This was more of a once in awhile occurrence before. I don't know if I should be flattered by these incidences or offended guys like me better with a mask. 😂 Could it be that since men aren't going to bars, clubs, various group events to pick up women that they're now doing it more at grocery stores and such? 

Not really, but early on during Covid an old man in Shop Rite called me a supermodel.  

[theredhead77]

3 hours ago, possibilities said:

But the man that did flirt with you under those conditions would be The One!

Do I have to be in the hometown I left and never wanted to return to or could this happen where I currently live?

[theredhead77]

This Buzzfeed "confessions article" basically confirms what I've said about fake profiles and bots

https://www.buzzfeed.com/stephenlaconte/dating-app-secrets-employees-tell-all-reddit?origin=tuh

It came from an Ask Reddit thread. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kj93lm/redditors_that_worked_with_a_dating_company/

Edited January 19, 2021 by theredhead77
Forgot the REddie thread

[Trini]

2 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

This Buzzfeed "confessions article" basically confirms what I've said about fake profiles and bots

https://www.buzzfeed.com/stephenlaconte/dating-app-secrets-employees-tell-all-reddit?origin=tuh

It came from an Ask Reddit thread. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kj93lm/redditors_that_worked_with_a_dating_company/

YIKES!

Always been kind of wary of dating sites, and that doesn't help. Surprised at the amount of fake profiles needed apparently to keep some of these apps viable.

[JTMacc99]

14 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

This Buzzfeed "confessions article" basically confirms what I've said about fake profiles and bots

That's a great little write up of what's what.  Heh.

A lot of them make me think "Duh", but it's still nice to see them in writing.  I like this one as a baseline for what anybody should expect:

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4. "The algorithms are less sophisticated than you think. ... The main goal of the algorithm is always to get you to pay, never to actually ensure you meet somebody in real life, as much as we tried to lie to ourselves that it was."

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23. "Our algorithm is intended to maximize ad revenue and time on app by delivering matches when the probability for the user to churn is highest. The algorithm does not prioritize matches."

So yep. The apps exist for the app owners to make money. That doesn't mean they still can't be a useful tool to meet people, but adjust expectations of things like "match %" accordingly.

 

And these are fun:

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Literally every single female profile was fake. 

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Most of the female users were fake.

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In order to keep these men feeling like there is genuine female activity on the site (and thus continuing to pay for memberships), dating apps can pay for entire armies of 'ghosts.' Ghost profiles use photos of real women, but are operated by men, typically young men in their late teens and early twenties, living in France, Serbia, Ukraine, and Russia

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The only way you got a refund is if you figured out all of the women were fake

So... not difficult to figure out why this happens:

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Men like way more indiscriminately than women.

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Something like 91% of opening messages were just one word 'hey,' and ~85% of conversations were just one exchange long ('hey' -> no reply ever)

From the male side of things, I can see how for some men it gets tiresome to write intelligent, appropriate opening messages aimed at mostly imaginary women. Especially imaginary women who are actually young Russian men.

 

I'm actually surprised I got to meet as many real people as I actually did.

[FormerMod-a1]

The amount of one word openings I'd get (ala "Hey") was only matched by the amount of 2 word question openings I'd get (i.e. "wanna fuck?").  

[aradia22]

Looking through my "intros" today on okc.

Generic but not unpleasant fishing message. 4 years younger than me and not looking for anything serious but if we had anything in common I might have reached out because of curiosity.

One sentence fishing message "Well hello there gorgeous!" from a father of two looking to hook up.

"Hi" from a guy with a terrible profile

"Love or lust?" from a guy in India

Also, I'm pretty sure I rejected some of these guys before and okc is throwing them at me for the 3rd or 4th time. So yeah... gonna die alone.

It's hard to find the motivation to initiate conversations when I have no idea when covid will make dating in person a genuine possibility again.

[RealHousewife]

Are any of you actually going out on dinner dates and whatnot? I haven't bit the bullet and gotten on an app yet, but now I'm thinking maybe it's actually a good thing to date during covid (with precautions). I detest dating. I'm super self-conscious when eating. I'm a vegetarian which complicates things. I don't like feeling pressured to mess around right away. I could go on about the many dating things I hate. But I was wondering if anyone was going on walks or anything where you can keep masks on and just talk. It would actually be really nice to get to know someone without some of the usual stressors. 

I got asked out at the grocery store again. I used to always say no to stuff like this, but now I wonder if I should be open to it if the guy seems cute and nice. I do find it kinda hard to tell if someone will be attractive with the masks. That's why I'm surprised to be getting hit on more. I don't think I look pretty with them on. 

[JTMacc99]

On 1/20/2021 at 3:02 PM, aquarian1 said:

The amount of one word openings I'd get (ala "Hey") was only matched by the amount of 2 word question openings I'd get (i.e. "wanna fuck?").  

I was just scrolling through a gallery of cringe worthy Tinder screen shots like that when I saw this one. 😂

 

[aradia22]

Still keeping things going with The Conversationalist. He might be catching feelings or he might just be enthusiastic. Anyway, I'm not seriously dating anyone until everyone is vaccinated but I am starting to see to the other side of this pandemic. 

With that in mind, has anyone tried TextNow? I'm starting to hear it advertised on podcasts. What's the difference between TextNow and Google Voice? My issue with Google Voice is it never felt 100% secure and I felt like I was getting other people's texts and voicemails sometimes. Anyone know about the other apps out there? I want to be able to have a different phone number than my own but I don't want to worry about an app digging into my phone trying to find my contacts, old texts, photos, whatever. 

Also, The Conversationalist already has my real cell number so this isn't about him.

[Sweedish Fish]

It happened again.  The guy I went to dinner with months ago got in touch with me again.   I decided to give it another shot even though I did not hear from him.

We had a great time, breakfast date, meeting later for dinner. Later made out like teenagers.

  GHOSTED again.

WTF?  I really don't understand this.    

[theredhead77]

2 hours ago, Sweedish Fish said:

It happened again.  The guy I went to dinner with months ago got in touch with me again.   I decided to give it another shot even though I did not hear from him.

We had a great time, breakfast date, meeting later for dinner. Later made out like teenagers.

  GHOSTED again.

WTF?  I really don't understand this.    

Sounds like you're his back up plan when other things fall through or he's stepping out on someone else.

Years ago I met someone on eHarmony. We got along great, had a great time together, things were going well and poof he was gone. He reappeared months later with some sob story about his sister passing away (he had never mentioned a sister before). I gave him another chance. After a few weeks, same thing. I did some sleuthing and discovered he had a long term girlfriend who traveled a lot. When he ghosted she was home.

[possibilities]

Also, some people just want to hook up and are not looking for a relationship. 

[RealHousewife]

On 3/21/2021 at 2:38 AM, aradia22 said:

Still keeping things going with The Conversationalist. He might be catching feelings or he might just be enthusiastic. Anyway, I'm not seriously dating anyone until everyone is vaccinated but I am starting to see to the other side of this pandemic. 

With that in mind, has anyone tried TextNow? I'm starting to hear it advertised on podcasts. What's the difference between TextNow and Google Voice? My issue with Google Voice is it never felt 100% secure and I felt like I was getting other people's texts and voicemails sometimes. Anyone know about the other apps out there? I want to be able to have a different phone number than my own but I don't want to worry about an app digging into my phone trying to find my contacts, old texts, photos, whatever. 

Also, The Conversationalist already has my real cell number so this isn't about him.

It's nice seeing the other side, isn't it? I'm also vaccinated but not sure how I feel about seeing someone who's not. I'm still scared of spreading covid to someone vulnerable in my life. 

I haven't tried it, but I'm intrigued! I've mentioned being uncomfortable giving my cell out before. 

On 5/4/2021 at 7:09 AM, Sweedish Fish said:

It happened again.  The guy I went to dinner with months ago got in touch with me again.   I decided to give it another shot even though I did not hear from him.

We had a great time, breakfast date, meeting later for dinner. Later made out like teenagers.

  GHOSTED again.

WTF?  I really don't understand this.    

Ugh, I'm sorry honey. 

On 5/4/2021 at 5:46 PM, possibilities said:

Also, some people just want to hook up and are not looking for a relationship. 

Yes. My guess is this guy hoped to get further along with you. This is one reason I'm very cautious with who I date. I'm not as fast as most people are these days. I could be super attracted to someone, but unless I know he's truly a good guy, sex can wait. Anyone can be nice on a few dates. 

[aradia22]

1 hour 45 minute phone call with The Conversationalist today. Pretty much the same. 

[Jaded]

10 hours ago, aradia22 said:

1 hour 45 minute phone call with The Conversationalist today. Pretty much the same. 

He certainly lives up to the nickname you gave him going by what you've posted here.

Edited May 17, 2021 by Jaded

[ratgirlagogo]

Not to be a downer, but jesus:

https://www.propublica.org/article/addressing-rape-in-four-minutes-or-less-dating-app-reps-left-unprepared-to-respond-to-assault-victims?utm_source=sailthru&

[Sweedish Fish]

I've found a match!  I've been seeing him for 5 weeks (spending weekends) and it is going very well.  He is kind, gentle and a good person all around.  No ghosting!

I've even met his family.   Fingers crossed, he's a keeper for sure.

 

 

[aradia22]

Half hour phone call with The Conversationalist. Cut it off (a bit rudely) because it was so mind-numbingly boring. 

[RealHousewife]

On 7/4/2021 at 5:41 PM, aradia22 said:

Half hour phone call with The Conversationalist. Cut it off (a bit rudely) because it was so mind-numbingly boring. 

Do you still speak to him? I can't be attracted to someone I find boring. 

How is everyone navigating dating right now? I'd only feel comfortable dating someone who's vaccinated. 

[Sweedish Fish]

My POF Match is moving in next month!   I know, yikes.  Happened fast, We had been spending weekends together, 

[RealHousewife]

7 hours ago, Sweedish Fish said:

My POF Match is moving in next month!   I know, yikes.  Happened fast, We had been spending weekends together, 

Hey, sometimes things happen quickly. I'm happy for you! 

[Lantern7]

*sigh* I get "Daily Matches" from OKC every day. I see a profile, I click on it . . . and it winds up sending me to the "home" site, and I'm unable to see the profile I wanted to check out. Has that been a problem with anyone else lately?

Still chatting with the one woman. I don't think we're ever going to meet. I don't feel like she's stringing me along, but I feel there's a window for meeting her, and it's starting to close. Which is why I'm clicking profiles.

[aradia22]

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did it hurt? when you fell from the vending machine cause you're a snack!!🤓🤓🤓

New first message. I will be alone forever

[aradia22]

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Hi you look great your eyes are beautiful

Jesus Christ

[JTMacc99]

On 10/24/2021 at 3:04 AM, aradia22 said:

New first message. I will be alone forever

I do give some points for him using the correct "you're".

[aradia22]

Quote

You are of [redacted] descent, look very beautiful,、

GOING. TO. DIE. ALONE.

[RealHousewife]

19 hours ago, aradia22 said:

GOING. TO. DIE. ALONE.

Haha I'm sorry you're getting these awkward weirdos lately! Laugh off the messages, but keep hope alive. ❤️Hopefully it will be safe to meet people in person again. A work friend of mine went through years of online dating and eventually found someone though. 

Edited October 26, 2021 by RealHousewife

[Lantern7]

Quick question for anyone that uses OKC . . . is the "Boost" thing any good?