Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[HerkyJerky]

On ‎3‎/‎31‎/‎2020 at 10:49 PM, Brookside said:

One of my coronavirus resolutions is try to bring back the lost art of letter writing.

When I went away to college, I was so lonely and I loved getting letters.  (This was back in the day before texting; even before e-mail.  OK Boomer..)  And the only way that one received letters was to send them.  My mom would tease me that I spent more time writing letters than on my coursework.  I still have a shoebox full of letters from back in the day.

[HerkyJerky]

On ‎3‎/‎14‎/‎2020 at 5:51 PM, aradia22 said:

I was actually looking up some meetup groups for board games and trivia and book clubs... and then social distancing became a necessity. I haven't given up on that but it's not something I can do right now

Aradia22, don't give up.  I've been in a weekly Scrabble group for 4 years and it's a lot of fun (except for the new people who take 10minutes a turn and then put down a 3-letter word...lol)  I slipped on the ice & broke my leg in 3 places at the end of the year, so I haven't been able to go for the last 3 months.  So FINALLY when I'm able to walk again, social distancing happened.  Ain't life a bitch!

[Lantern7]

I'm still getting profile suggestions from OKC. I mean . . . I could reply to profiles, but even if there's bonding, meeting would be problematic. That's why I had talked about the possibility of an online relationship . . . because the traditional dating tropes (e.g.: movies, dinner) are now highly discouraged, and one of us could fail ill. And even if the impact isn't that great . . . it doesn't feel like the odds are good for something long-lasting and physical; "Physical" meaning "basic touching" these days.

Apologies for the negativity. I stopped temping two weeks ago because the city was becoming an epicenter, and I'm getting increasingly worried that someone I know will eventually get hit.

Edited April 6, 2020 by Lantern7

[Lantern7]

Two questions for @aradia22: does it matter to you at which time someone responds to your profile?* And have you seen profiles reflecting the current pandemic? I don't think I've seen one of those yet, though I'm willing to bet a lot of people are taking a break from online dating

*Morning, Afternoon, Night, Post-Midnight . . . that sort of thing. 🙂

[ratgirlagogo]

27 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

I'm willing to bet a lot of people are taking a break from online dating

I believe you're right:

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/apr/09/sex-toy-sales-triple-during-new-zealands-coronavirus-lockdown

[Bastet]

Ha - the reasons to admire and emulate New Zealand's response to this crisis just do not stop.

[RealHousewife]

6 minutes ago, Llickena said:

i think online dating is a bad idea.

Are you 100% against it? I'm not a massive fan, but I have friends who met their spouses online. 

[theredhead77]

5 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Are you 100% against it? I'm not a massive fan, but I have friends who met their spouses online. 

Same. I know multiple couples that met online and have been happily married for years. None of them met on free apps - all were done through subscription based services but it's still online.

[Lantern7]

Another general question: should I just respond to profiles that mention current events? I've started responding again, and I think some profiles are like cars that get abandoned during a disaster. I should probably update my own. "Just looking for that special someone. Willing to go as slow as a tortoise thanks to the pandemic."

I hope that didn't sound like I was trivializing COVID-19 and the misery it has caused. At this point, I'd like to meet someone new, even if interaction mostly takes place online. I'd even look into Zoom or Skype, and I wouldn't have thought of two-way audio/visual communication like that in the past.

[theredhead77]

So I've been chatting with some dudes through Hinge. One of the guys wanted to exchange numbers to text which I don't normally do until after a first meeting but since who knows when that will be I gave him my number. And he immediately started blowing up my phone with photos of him, his animals, his kid, his backyard camping trip. I think there were 15 rapid fire photos and a few more a bit later. Thankfully there were no inappropriate photos but dude. No. I replied intermittently with questions hoping he'd get the clue I wasn't digging this and wanted to 'chat' but I eventually had to put the notifications on silent and stopped responding. 

[aradia22]

Trying to keep something going right now is tough. I haven't felt like getting dolled up and having a virtual date. So I didn't respond to The Conversationalist for like a week about rescheduling our date. And he sent me this really articulate, empathetic message. 

Quote

Hi [my name redacted], I haven’t heard from you lately, and I hope you and your loved ones are well. I understand that this is a dreadful period for everyone and know that people need time and space to deal with this new awful reality.

I’m fully aware that we don’t know each other that well and I don’t fully appreciate what you are going through. Perhaps I’m out of place for asking this but I would really appreciate if you could let me know how you are. I hope it's not something I did.

I realize that this pandemic is not the best environment for dating but for what it’s worth, I’ve genuinely enjoyed reading your texts, sharing our thoughts with each other, and would still like to chat/google hangout. But if you want to part amiably, I understand and ask that you just let me know so I don't worry? All the best, [his name redacted]

Like how sweet is he? Not that I'm great about going to in-person dates either but right now that seems a lot easier than carving out a moment during the day at home. I'm feeling like a messy bench. But I really haven't been able to flip that switch into presentable first date mode.

[RealHousewife]

2 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Trying to keep something going right now is tough. I haven't felt like getting dolled up and having a virtual date. So I didn't respond to The Conversationalist for like a week about rescheduling our date. And he sent me this really articulate, empathetic message. 

Like how sweet is he? Not that I'm great about going to in-person dates either but right now that seems a lot easier than carving out a moment during the day at home. I'm feeling like a messy bench. But I really haven't been able to flip that switch into presentable first date mode.

That was a really sweet message! We need more guys like him out there. :)

[possibilities]

If someone sent me too many photos, I'd just tell him I couldn't keep up with the volume. Why play games and hint when you could just tell him the simple truth?

Lantern, I personally think you have to make your own rules about what profiles you respond to. But I can't imagine how anyone could proceed in the current situation without factoring in the pandemic, so I don't see anything wrong with bringing it up and saying what you want to do about it. Why not?

Nice message, aradia! What do you have to lose by being real with him? If the choice is that or ghosting him entirely, might as well take a chance?

My 2c, fwiw.

[theredhead77]

48 minutes ago, possibilities said:

If someone sent me too many photos, I'd just tell him I couldn't keep up with the volume. Why play games and hint when you could just tell him the simple truth?

It wasn't playing games. I wanted to chat so I asked questions, no answers, just photos so I gave up. I don't care about all those photos, I don't need a montage of the last month of your life. I wanted to have a conversation. Intermix the photos with conversation when applicable. It was so overwhelming. 

[Bastet]

13 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

And he immediately started blowing up my phone with photos of him, his animals, his kid, his backyard camping trip. I think there were 15 rapid fire photos and a few more a bit later. 

That's so odd.  People don't want to look at a barrage of pictures of folks they actually care about. 

To insert the occasional photo to illustrate something that comes up in conversation, sure.  But just a slew of "here's my life in pictures" messages without any conversation?  Um, no.

On 4/15/2020 at 11:12 PM, Lantern7 said:

"Just looking for that special someone.

I'm curious how people here looking to date react to that phrase.  I'm not, so it's a moot point, but if I was, I'd swipe whatever direction means hell no once I could get my eyeballs out of their rolled position if I came across it.  I doubt most have such a visceral reaction, but does it actually appeal to anyone?

[Lantern7]

Another question, and perhaps @aradia22 could answer: is it customary to point out pictures while responding to a profile? I think the most I've done in that area is see the woman posing in another country, and then I playfully lament about not getting out of North America. Also, I don't want to come off as paying THAT much attention to the pictures.

@Bastet: you're right. It does come off trite and/or cheesy. "I'm looking for someone special. Guy with one arm, framed me for murder. Have you seen him?"

[ratgirlagogo]

6 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

@Bastet: you're right. It does come off trite and/or cheesy. "I'm looking for someone special. Guy with one arm, framed me for murder. Have you seen him?"

That would draw out the classic TV fans with a sense of humor, anyway. Honestly this whole way of meeting people seems so difficult to me - but of course I am old.  Good luck to you.

[theredhead77]

@Lantern7 have you looked to Google for advice on how to write a dating profile? I just did a quick search "How to write a dating profile for a man" and there are a bunch of results.

That said, I really think you're overthinking it. Short and to the point with a few interests is good with photos that show your personality. 

[RealHousewife]

17 hours ago, Maetimar said:

in college I study the issue of generation of millenials and how they build relationships in the 21st century. I wanted to ask you how effective dating is on the Internet? Who using online dating sites found his wife for example? I would be very grateful for the answers.

I haven't ruled out the apps, but I'm still waiting for this quarantine to be over so I can meet people in person. I know lots of folks who've me their spouses online though. One of my good friends did pretty recently actually. She's a beautiful, educated, and sweet girl. She found a really kind man on one of those dating sites.

[aradia22]

Quote

One ply? Two ply? Neither, what I'm looking for is your re-ply.

New first message. I wasn't interested in him so I didn't match.

[aradia22]

I have dropped The Photographer and the other guys and am now only talking to The Musician and The Conversationalist. It's not really a prolonged conversation. More like little penpal messages of 100-200 words. This is what I can manage right now. Unless this goes into the summer, I'm not doing a video call date.

[aradia22]

I should strike up a conversation with one of the guys I've matched with but I'm dealing with a lot of body image issues right now. I've got some health stuff going on. It's difficult to feel desirable or flirty. What I appreciate about the conversations with the two guys I'm talking to right now is that they feel comfortable. 

I'm curious if anyone is being particularly... forward in the online dating world right now. It's one thing to suggest a hookup or escalate to borderline inappropriate comments while dating. It's another to be that flirty when it can't end in a meet up (at least not anytime soon). Are people being propositioned for intimate video calls or exchanging sexts? I can't see that being that appealing for anyone. 

[RealHousewife]

17 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I should strike up a conversation with one of the guys I've matched with but I'm dealing with a lot of body image issues right now. I've got some health stuff going on. It's difficult to feel desirable or flirty. What I appreciate about the conversations with the two guys I'm talking to right now is that they feel comfortable. 

I'm curious if anyone is being particularly... forward in the online dating world right now. It's one thing to suggest a hookup or escalate to borderline inappropriate comments while dating. It's another to be that flirty when it can't end in a meet up (at least not anytime soon). Are people being propositioned for intimate video calls or exchanging sexts? I can't see that being that appealing for anyone. 

First off, I hope you get healthy soon Aradia! :) 

I'm not sure, but I have zero desire for intimate video calls. I'm too scared of getting hacked. I'm not super opposed to naughty messages and sexy photos that aren't pornographic, but even those make me nervous. I'd be mortified if I sent a half-naked photo to the wrong person. Sadly, I can see these things being appealing to horny men. Too many of them lead with sex. I too prefer a guy that "feels comfortable." Not someone that's all about what you look like and jumping your bones. 

Edited May 12, 2020 by RealHousewife

[Lantern7]

I just updated my OKC profile to make it pandemic-related. Next step: taking a few pictures of myself. I'm thinking one "normal" shot and one where I'm wearing a mask. When it comes to showing that the picture was taken recently, it's better than holding a newspaper in front of me.

Edited May 26, 2020 by Lantern7

[Moose135]

9 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

When it comes to showing that the picture was taken recently, it's better than holding a newspaper in front of me.

Yes, because that would look like a hostage photo...

[Sweeneyswt]

Long time lurker. Recently begun online dating again. I moved out last year from my husband. I’m not feeling tons of luck. I’ve noticed many guys list everything they don’t want and then scold the reader for giving nothing of substance. Well, I mean, I just read for a few minutes and learned nothing about him but all the things he dislikes. I enjoy sites like these, so I get snark. But, every post on here isn’t to meet new people in chance of a relationship of some sort. I am sure some folks who do that might mean it to be funny or relatable. But, I don’t have much to say to them as far as starting a one to one conversation. 
 

Most conversations I’ve tried fizzle out quickly. I prefer Match in its earlier days. 
 

I try to give a picture of who I am on the dating sites and just keep trying!

Aradia- yes, some men have been more explicit in expecting lots of pictures or wanting to sext. I don’t like that without meeting someone first and having a connection where I’m comfortable. I’m feeling unattractive right now anyway and kind of depressed. 

[aradia22]

@Sweeneyswt Good for you for getting back out there. I know that sounds trite but it's a difficult first step and you deserve credit for taking it. 

I don't always take my own advice but I would say avoid the profiles that suggest outright misogyny. There's a difference between a guy who just doesn't know how to write the perfect profile and a guy who doesn't respect women or will treat you badly if given the chance. My approach with profiles that don't say too much but that I'm still interested in is to go with a bland greeting. If he doesn't respond, he doesn't respond. It's not your fault if he's barely put anything out there for you to go on.

That said, it's unfair but, when you do make a connection, I find it's easiest to sustain if you are your best self. Which is why I haven't been making connections lately. It's too much work. You have to be entertaining and interesting and funny and keep the conversation going even when you aren't given a lot to work with. And you have to hope that the person on the other end is worth all of that effort when you finally meet up.

I hope you have more luck in your online dating adventures soon and feel comfortable sharing some of it. I'm also totally down to talk about feeling unattractive and kind of depressed. Big mood.

[theredhead77]

10 hours ago, Moose135 said:

Yes, because that would look like a hostage photo...

So you're saying if I post a photo in a mask holding a recent newspaper I'll end up in a movie and be rescued by Jason Satham, The Rock and/or Idris Elba and we'll ride off into the sunset for a happily ever after?

[aradia22]

Quote

You look amazing in all your pics, I can't decide which one you look the most beautiful in 😉

New first message. Gag.

[RealHousewife]

39 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

New first message. Gag.

Lol anything else from this guy? 

[BookWoman56]

35 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

New first message. Gag.

I'm not actively looking to date anyone even casually, much less for a serious relationship, but should I decide to do so using an online dating site, anyone whose first message is entirely about appearances without even a token mention of substantive things in my profile will be a hard pass. How hard is it to acknowledge at least one of a person's stated interests and try to establish rapport around that shared interest or ask intelligent questions about it?

[aradia22]

@RealHousewife I don't know. I swiped left.

@BookWoman56 I don't necessarily mind a physical compliment or a basic greeting if there's something about the other person's profile that appeals to me. If you've at least invested something in your own profile, there's something to go on. It's the repeated bad energy that gets to me. Like if the compliment escalates to something sexual or it's always on me to keep the conversation going. Remember that guy who kept texting me good morning every day? Yeah, no. You can keep it.

There's something particularly sleazy about this first message. The implication that he only looked at the photos. The falseness of the compliment. It feels like it's saying... you should be flattered that I'm trying to rate your attractiveness. No, thanks.

[BookWoman56]

4 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I don't necessarily mind a physical compliment or a basic greeting if there's something about the other person's profile that appeals to me. If you've at least invested something in your own profile, there's something to go on.

I wouldn't object to a physical compliment if it were included as part of a message, but when it's the entirety of a message, to me that signals that the person hasn't bothered to read the profile and instead looked only at the photos. And I have zero interest in someone who is going to ignore my interests. Again, I'm not currently looking for a relationship but in the past I've found, for example, if a potential date has no interest in reading, then it's just not going to work at all. I once dated a guy who was a model; super attractive, nice guy, but we just had very little in common. While I fully understand that people can be drawn to others because of physical appearance, my own experience is that I have to find the person at least somewhat intellectually compatible for there to be any chance at all for the relationship to work. 

[JTMacc99]

11 hours ago, aradia22 said:

There's something particularly sleazy about this first message. The implication that he only looked at the photos. The falseness of the compliment. It feels like it's saying... you should be flattered that I'm trying to rate your attractiveness. No, thanks.

Pfft. He doesn't even give you any proof he looked at the photos. He could send that to a hundred women a day and just work with whomever responds. 

Back when I thought dating/online dating was a good idea, I would very occasionally send a first message to somebody who gave me absolutely nothing to work with verbally.*  That would be the only time I'd lead with commenting on a photo, and even then I would go with asking a question about a place or activity going on in a photo and not "You're so beautiful!"  

* Talking to a coworker at one point about her online dating experiences, she told me that for her Bumble profile she just used one of the suggested word blurbs rather than attempting to write something about herself. This is a thoughtful, kind, intelligent person who was just dipping a toe into the online stuff just to see what was out there. It was at that point where I decided it was okay to send notes to somebody who didn't write anything of substance. Maybe I could find a hidden gem.

 

[Sweedish Fish]

Hi Everyone,

Well it looks as if I am going to be shying away from dating websites for awhile.  

I met a nice man on okcupid and we wrote back and forth for a couple of weeks. He is suddenly in love with me and I am his every breath and heartbeat, so on and so on.  You guessed it ~ next thing you know I am being asked for money.  Almost scammed, I was.

I think not.  I have seen enough Dr. Phil's (ok,ok) to fall for that bs.  SOoo I just met you, gee sorry that you are in trouble on your business trip, here let me send you $35,000.  Yes, that's what he wanted. I did a reverses image search on his picture and found some guy in Peru on facebook.  Poor guy, I left a message that his image was being used out there.  Also, reported it to okcupid.

Damn, he was good lookin too.

 

 

[emma675]

Sweedish fish, the same thing happened to a friend of mine. This cute guy matched with her and said they couldn't meet in person for now because he was in the Army,  stationed overseas (he told her he was in an unstable part of the middle east but never told her where). They would chat over Skype and he would send her photos that raised red flags for me (they were so posed but he claimed his unit had a photographer traveling with them) but she believed him. She started getting suspicious when he claimed to live in the same city as her but couldn't answer basic questions about the neighborhood he claimed to live in. She discovered he had stolen pics from a real soldier's Instagram and was passing them off as his own. He never asked for money but I'm sure that was part of the plan.

[Lantern7]

I got a like from someone on OKC. I wrote back. Later, I found out that the profile has either gone private, or it no longer exists.

*sigh* It actually felt good when I got the like. I didn't overreact when I got it, I didn't overreact when the profile vanished for whatever reason. If she likes me back, hopefully I'll hear from her.

[aradia22]

Quote

Hello beautiful 😍 Hope your day is as amazing as you are! I love seeing you happy and my biggest reward is seeing you smile. You are amazing and perfect in every way. I was just looking through your Profile and dang baby, you look good 😎 I’m full time as Software Engineering for the google since 2010. Also I own my business as startup. I’m very honest serious smart guy with high quality and a lot to bring on the table. If you’re looking for good guy and be happy and treated nice then message me back. Benny

New first message coming up when swiping. I didn't match but I can still see if someone has sent a message on okc. 

38 is too old for this nonsense. Also, he looks at least 50. Shoo.

[emma675]

"for the google"? 😂

[Annber03]

Quote

You are amazing and perfect in every way. I was just looking through your Profile and dang baby, you look good

A husband saying this to his wife (sans the "looking through your profile" bit, of course) that he's been married to for x years? Cheesy, perhaps, but okay. 

A guy saying this to somebody he's just met? Online, no less? Take it down a few notches, dude. 

[Anela]

On 6/20/2020 at 1:40 PM, Sweedish Fish said:

Hi Everyone,

Well it looks as if I am going to be shying away from dating websites for awhile.  

I met a nice man on okcupid and we wrote back and forth for a couple of weeks. He is suddenly in love with me and I am his every breath and heartbeat, so on and so on.  You guessed it ~ next thing you know I am being asked for money.  Almost scammed, I was.

I think not.  I have seen enough Dr. Phil's (ok,ok) to fall for that bs.  SOoo I just met you, gee sorry that you are in trouble on your business trip, here let me send you $35,000.  Yes, that's what he wanted. I did a reverses image search on his picture and found some guy in Peru on facebook.  Poor guy, I left a message that his image was being used out there.  Also, reported it to okcupid.

Damn, he was good lookin too.

 

 

I saw someone like that when I was on the site. I thought this guy was just *too* good looking, to be on a dating site on a Summer evening, which may be a horrible assumption, but it turned out to be correct. I googled the image, and found that it was a model whose picture had been used by different guys on various websites. I messaged him to tell him that I knew he was faking.

2 hours ago, aradia22 said:

New first message coming up when swiping. I didn't match but I can still see if someone has sent a message on okc. 

38 is too old for this nonsense. Also, he looks at least 50. Shoo.

When I was on there, men were lying about their age. Men my age, starting lying in order to get younger women (this was when I was in my thirties), and older men (over 40, closer to 50 or above), pretended to be just a bit older than me. It was so depressing, I altered my profile to mention that I knew men were doing that. One guy whose profile I'd saved, ended up admitting that he was 49 instead of 39. A guy my age altered his to say that he would talk about something in person - I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was really that he wanted the 25 year old women to meet him, before he told them the truth. Later on, he kept his real age, and had, "I might be older than the men you usually date, but..." I had to get off the site, because I felt like crap. I started to refer to it as OKStupid. 

I still receive messages from Zoosk, despite the fact that the only thing in my profile, aside from location and age was, "someone around my own age would be nice." I don't know if that many men are really messaging me (the emails are filtered to my trash, but I received  a lot during quarantine), or if the site has bots trying to get women to pay to see their messages. I don't have the money for that. 

[Lantern7]

Got another like. Sent a response. Waiting to see if anything happens.

[JTMacc99]

17 hours ago, aradia22 said:

38 is too old for this nonsense.

There is no age limit for people to stop being themselves. The 58 year old man with bad grammar and casts a wide net on dating sites was almost definitely a 22 year old man with bad grammar who cast a wide net everywhere he went in 1984.

 

[aradia22]

Quote

Hi [my name redacted] I’m sure you have a nice smile. I don’t know you but I will like to get to know you 🙂 

New first message. What does that mean??? There's nothing in his profile about him having any vision impairment. "I'm sure" implies that he doesn't know. 

I wrote to one guy I might actually like. No response. But... progress? I'm slowly working my way back to trying again. Very. Slowly.

I have been trying to cast a wider net but maybe I should change my parameters. If I met someone a few years younger than me who was amazing, of course I'd consider it but the okc algorithm is sending me a lot of younger guys to swipe through. I have it set to 26-35 now. Is making it 28-35 going to make my prospects worse or help me narrow in? Also, okc still insists on sending me the same guys I've swiped left on over and over. 

[JTMacc99]

8 hours ago, aradia22 said:

New first message. What does that mean??? There's nothing in his profile about him having any vision impairment. "I'm sure" implies that he doesn't know. 

Honestly, it sounds like English isn't his first language, and I would be immediately suspicious that it's scammer.

8 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I wrote to one guy I might actually like. No response. But... progress? I'm slowly working my way back to trying again. Very. Slowly.

Good! I'm thinking that this is probably your best course of action. Write to guys you think you might like. Deal with the fact that no response, dumb response, and rude response are possible outcomes, and hope that you'll occasionally connect with a good one.

(Says JTMacc99, who did that for a while himself, did find a few good ones but eventually just gave up.)

[aradia22]

Quote

Hello you’re cute 😘

Get out of here, 23-year-olds. 

I know, I know. I need to write to my matches. But I'm convinced they swiped right out of laziness and no one will write back and I'm not in the head space for that right now.

[aradia22]

I wrote first messages to 11 guys this morning. No response. I can see they're online. Yeah, I remember why I don't like doing this.

Like, at least unmatch me, bro. Then I can stop waiting and move on.

[Lantern7]

13 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

I wrote first messages to 11 guys this morning. No response. I can see they're online. Yeah, I remember why I don't like doing this.

Like, at least unmatch me, bro. Then I can stop waiting and move on.

I honestly can’t remember the last time I got a message from a woman. In the rare event I get a response, it’s always a “like.”

ETA: Quotation marks were not for sarcasm. 😀

Edited July 6, 2020 by Lantern7

[aradia22]

I have a phone call date Saturday with the one guy I've managed to maintain a connection with since March 17th. It feels more friendly than romantic but I suppose we should confirm that we're not catfishing each other after months of writing back and forth.

[aradia22]

Quote

Good! I'm thinking that this is probably your best course of action. Write to guys you think you might like. Deal with the fact that no response, dumb response, and rude response are possible outcomes, and hope that you'll occasionally connect with a good one.

He wrote back. It took him 16 days but he wrote back.