Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[DeLurker]

Sometimes I read other people's posts about their family and wonder that same question.

[hoosier80]

Well, I made the trip to Mom's Labor Day weekend.  Woke up Sat morning feeling sick.   I got a very, very late start, driving thru remnants of Harvey.  It was a shitty drive.  Then I had Mom telling me I'd "better get there so I could go to Sat night mass.  Say, what?  I almost called off, but I have this week off, so I didn't want to go this past weekend.  I soldiered on through.  I made it to another church - late but whatever.  She & sainted brother went to an earlier mass and I missed them.  Oh, darn.  I get back to her house, and she tells me oh we're going out for breakfast tomorrow, I hope that's ok.  Now, I had been eating Pepto tablets (I really think partially stress - other stress and the stress of going there is making me physically sick).  I was like ok, whatever.  My thought was that I'd order toast if I felt as sick, then the other two might be shamed a bit.  I was actually ok, after a night of doing chores around her house.  I have to "do my duty" so sick or not, I had to get stuff done.  I then ran her around on Sunday, getting her errands done.  On Monday, she had me doing some light pruning/trimming.  Now that wouldn't be so bad, except she just paid a landscaper to do major clean up on her property.  She has to make sure I do yardwork.  I swear it's her way of making me "pay".  I don't know the meaning of work, according to her.  I then cleaned her bathrooms, her kitchen, made a large meal, cleaned that up.  I left well after 5 p.m.  She then says "I'd hoped you would have gotten an earlier start" - there were storms forecast.  Well unless I have magic powers, there was no way to get it done quicker.  I'd also brought some of my laundry to do, but after she'd gone on a rant about how much she's always done for me, I said screw it (didn't want to hear remember how I let you do laundry at my house added to her rant list).  I put the laundry back in the car.  

She's finally having her bathtub converted into a shower, and was all antsy about it.  Well they emailed your brother, they should've sent it to me!! Where would they have sent it?  You don't have an email account.  TheSy should have contacted ME directly.  I guess she and my brother went round and round about that.  Then the kicker.  Brother got her an android smartphone on his plan.  I'd gotten her the larger IPhone on my plan in December.  It was given back to me by March.  Never reimbursed.  Not one red cent.  She's already having issues with the android.  I said I really am not familiar with how that works, I have an IPhone, which is why I got you the same kind.  Then brother said to her, "doesn't she (me) help you?"  OMG.  I have gone over the how to's, written shit down, gone over it again and again.  Nothing sticks.  She is not technically inclined one bit.  So I'm out of it.  He can deal with it.

Now she's complaining about items ordered, wants to send them back.  I know it's code for I need you to come and send them back - box them up.  I broke down the boxes while I was there - so I'm sure that is my fault.  It's my fault she ordered the items (even though she tried to get me to order - and I have no need for it).  If she thinks something is great, everyone MUST buy it, too.   I feel my illness coming back on again......

Going back to my massive cleanup.  In working so many hours and doing stuff for mom, my own house has gone to hell.  Enough already.

[theredhead77]

@hoosier80 it is OK to say NO MORE to family, especially to family who constantly treats you like shit.

[Jaded]

1 hour ago, hoosier80 said:

  Now, I had been eating Pepto tablets (I really think partially stress - other stress and the stress of going there is making me physically sick).  I was like ok, whatever.  My thought was that I'd order toast if I felt as sick, then the other two might be shamed a bit.  

 Then brother said to her, "doesn't she (me) help you?"  OMG.  I have gone over the how to's, written shit down, gone over it again and again.  Nothing sticks.  She is not technically inclined one bit.  So I'm out of it.  He can deal with it.

Going back to my massive cleanup.  In working so many hours and doing stuff for mom, my own house has gone to hell.  Enough already.

Please consider leaving your brother to deal with her completely. You don't deserve what your catering to her needs is doing to your mental or physical health. 

[Mindthinkr]

@hoosier80  I had a mother who ran me ragged. Once, when she had surgery, my bro, SIL and I took round the clock 8 hour shifts to be with her to make sure all of her needs were met. Then the nursing staff politely told my bro (eldest...in charge) that they didn't want me back. Not because I was not a good caretaker, but because they saw what was going on and felt my mother was becoming too co-dependent and it wasn't helping her recovery. Sometimes we can't please our mothers (or fathers), but we need to learn that we are good enough (assuming that we are trying and meaning well) and can live with "never measuring up". 

Sounds as though you have a lot of mental puke. I'm glad you threw some of it up  

[Petunia13]

@DeLurker ❤️️❤️️❤️️

[Mindthinkr]

I raised a very strong independent child. Sometimes that backfires. 

[walnutqueen]

I don't know if any of you watch Ray Donovan, but there was a scene where his shrink asked him a series of questions about his childhood/life experiences, that was pretty raw & direct.  I answered "yes" to every one of those questions.  The shrink prescribed anxiety & depression medications ... and intimated that Ray was one sick fucking puppy.   ;-)

I guess that means my family really did fuck me up, way back when; but I take full responsibility for what happened thereafter.

Edited September 14, 2017 by walnutqueen

[Mindthinkr]

8 hours ago, walnutqueen said:

I don't know if any of you watch Ray Donovan, but there was a scene where his shrink asked him a series of questions about his childhood/life experiences, that was pretty raw & direct.  I answered "yes" to every one of those questions.  The shrink prescribed anxiety & depression medications ... and intimated that Ray was one sick fucking puppy.   ;-)

I guess that means my family really did fuck me up, way back when; but I take full responsibility for what happened thereafter.

I have watched Ray Donovan but can't offhand remember that scene. Do you happen to know the season and episode? I have to restart my showtime subscription as I lost it when I moved. I enjoy RD and Shameless. 

[walnutqueen]

1 hour ago, Mindthinkr said:

I have watched Ray Donovan but can't offhand remember that scene. Do you happen to know the season and episode? I have to restart my showtime subscription as I lost it when I moved. I enjoy RD and Shameless. 

Crapballz - you just HAD to ask, which made me look up the latest aired episode ... "Shabbos Goy" (Episode 5 of Whatever Season is airing in "real time").

And yes, I watch Shameless, too!  (Dysfunctional families are my JAM)  ;-)   HBO and Showtime are my dirty Sunday night secrets ... as is AMC's The Walking Dead.

[walnutqueen]

Wish I knew how to create a Poll but here are the shrink questions, for all you Showtime deprived masses ... And your answers will not be collated or collected.  No record.

- So, when you were a child, did a parent or adult ever swear to you, yell at you, or make you feel like you would be physically hurt in any way?

- Did a parent or adult ever push, grab, hit or throw anything at you?  Hurt you in any way?

- Did a parent, or somebody at least 5 years older than you, ever touch you in a sexual way?  Or force you to touch them?

- Were your mother & father ever divorced or separated?

- Did you live with someone that had a drinking problem?

- Did your father ever abuse your mother, or hit her?

- Was a household member ever mentally ill, or did a household member ever attempt suicide?

 

TeeVee shrink opines I had too many stress hormones in my apparently very bad childhood.  So, I'm gonna die one day.  So is everyone who had an idyllic childhood.

Edited September 15, 2017 by walnutqueen
Difference being? Those idyllic childhood people are more likely to be featured on the iD Channel

[Quof]

Walnutqueen, I got 5 out of 7.  Does that give you any insight into my personality? 

And the fact that my parents remained married for over 40 years, despite hating each other, is probably worse than if they had separated or divorced.  

Edited September 15, 2017 by Quof

[JTMacc99]

1 out of 7, and I think that at my age, your basic everyday spankings were kind of accepted back then as my answer yes to number 1.

[Mindthinkr]

@walnutqueen  3 out of 7

[Quof]

Wow, you all had normal childhoods? What was that like? 

[Zola]

12 hours ago, walnutqueen said:

Wish I knew how to create a Poll but here are the shrink questions, for all you Showtime deprived masses ... And your answers will not be collated or collected.  No record.

- So, when you were a child, did a parent or adult ever swear to you, yell at you, or make you feel like you would be physically hurt in any way?

- Did a parent or adult ever push, grab, hit or throw anything at you?  Hurt you in any way?

- Did a parent, or somebody at least 5 years older than you, ever touch you in a sexual way?  Or force you to touch them?

- Were your mother & father ever divorced or separated?

- Did you live with someone that had a drinking problem?

- Did your father ever abuse your mother, or hit her?

- Was a household member ever mentally ill, or did a household member ever attempt suicide?

 

TeeVee shrink opines I had too many stress hormones in my apparently very bad childhood.  So, I'm gonna die one day.  So is everyone who had an idyllic childhood.

2 out of 7, which is still 2 too many. But then again I can't recall all of my childhood, but I would like to think both parents were "normal"

[walnutqueen]

5 hours ago, Quof said:

Walnutqueen, I got 5 out of 7.  Does that give you any insight into my personality? 

And the fact that my parents remained married for over 40 years, despite hating each other, is probably worse than if they had separated or divorced.  

I have ZERO insight into your personality, but  I am inclined to like you a little more.  ;-)

 

3 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

1 out of 7, and I think that at my age, your basic everyday spankings were kind of accepted back then as my answer yes to number 1.

Yikes!  You may need to change your avatar to a Unicorn.  (Oh, and although spankings were rampant back in my day, I was NEVER spanked, because I was an exceptional child!).

 

ETA - I really didn't mean for any of you to feel you had to announce your scores for this questionnaire, but I do admire you all for being so open and honest about the stuff that is sometimes easier to talk about with "strangers" on these forums.    :-)

Edited September 15, 2017 by walnutqueen

[Quof]

Quote

I have ZERO insight into your personality, but  I am inclined to like you a little more.  ;-)

Aw, walnutqueen, I thought you couldn't love me anymore than you already did.

The only one I escaped was the sexual abuse.   And divorce, but when your mother repeatedly tells you that you are the reason she is remaining in a miserable, abusive marriage, you realize divorce would really be the better option.  And when she remains in the marriage for decades after you leave the house, you realize she likes the attention she gets by being a martyr, and will never leave.

[JTMacc99]

9 minutes ago, walnutqueen said:

You may need to change your avatar to a Unicorn.

I'm definitely a unicorn. 

The sad thing is that my kids are going to answer yes to two of the questions, one more than I did. Parent fail when you can't manage to do better than your own parents.

[walnutqueen]

7 minutes ago, Quof said:

Aw, walnutqueen, I thought you couldn't love me anymore than you already did.

Apparently, my shriveled cold black heart is a bottomless pit of lurve.  Go figure.

 

3 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

I'm definitely a unicorn. 

The sad thing is that my kids are going to answer yes to two of the questions, one more than I did. Parent fail when you can't manage to do better than your own parents.

Having one good single parent is sometime MUCH better than having two awful married ones.  Divorce is sometimes a very good thing for the children.

[theredhead77]

As most of you know, I just relocated from CA to GA. Being an only child of aging parents, it wasn't an easy decision to make. I'll be heading home for Thanksgiving and here is where things get tricky. 

I don't get along with my parents for more than a few hours before an argument breaks out, dad starts yelling and I end up leaving (period, not just over the holidays) Over the years I've fine-tuned the timeline and leave before things go sideways. So my visit home for Thanksgiving puts me in their house for days on end (I'll have a rental car but I have no idea if any friends will be in town) and I foresee this going very bad, very fast.

I'm flying in Wednesday afternoon. I land around 1, figure I'll get to my parents around 3. My flight is scheduled to leave early Saturday morning. I'll have to leave their house around 6am. I'm considering taking a later flight Friday night (Southwest) to minimize the potential for trouble Friday night. I'm also concerned about leaving my cats for more than 2 nights, I don't have anyone to come in and watch them.

I'm certain my mom has visions of a perfect TV holiday visit but it's just the three of us. I will have only been in GA about 8 weeks by the time Thanksgiving rolls around and they're insisting on talking with me every other night even though I have nothing new to say (other than get some more hobbies!)

I will be back to visit them in December.

[auntlada]

Is there any possibility you could stay in a hotel? Will they buy that you don't want to disrupt their routines too much?

[theredhead77]

@auntlada I did toss staying in a hotel or with friends out there, especially since they have to replace the bed in my old room / the sewing room / my room when I come to visit and my mom was pretty unhappy with the suggestion.

On the flip side, when she asked what kind of bed I wanted and I said a memory foam (something along the cost of a regular bed, not a Temperpedic like I have at home) in a full size (I'm far too tall for a twin like she wants to keep in there) she balked at the full size, said there isn't room (there is, I was literally just in the room) and is now looking at getting a sofa bed (ugh). 

[Mindthinkr]

18 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

@auntlada I did toss staying in a hotel or with friends out there, especially since they have to replace the bed in my old room / the sewing room / my room when I come to visit and my mom was pretty unhappy with the suggestion.

On the flip side, when she asked what kind of bed I wanted and I said a memory foam (something along the cost of a regular bed, not a Temperpedic like I have at home) in a full size (I'm far too tall for a twin like she wants to keep in there) she balked at the full size, said there isn't room (there is, I was literally just in the room) and is now looking at getting a sofa bed (ugh). 

If she knew what she was going to do, then why did she bother to ask you about what kind of mattress you would find comfortable. Sigh.  A sofa bed...you might (almost) want to iniate a fight just not to have to sleep on such a darn uncomfortable contraption. That one bar in the middle never fails to give a backache the next day. 

Do your parents play cards or any type of games? Could you take them to a movie or to do something that would take the focus off of having to make small talk (and endlessly have to defend yourself or deflect their questions)? Would they be open to hearing that "Gee Mom and Dad, I'd love to discuss that with you but it seems that every time that we do, we argue. I'm here to celebrate you as my family this Thanksgiving and really don't want to fight." 

Such a shame as it's only September and you are already stressing about Turkey Dinner. 

[BookWoman56]

@theredhead77, I'd definitely opt to leave Friday night rather than Saturday morning. to minimize the chances for drama on Friday evening.  You have part of Wednesday, all day Thursday, and most of Friday to hang out with your parents. If you don't get along with them all that well to begin with, that time is more than enough. I'd also have a backup plan of going out for a while on Friday during the day, at least for a couple of hours, just to have some alone time. 

Speaking from years of experience living in a different state from my parents, I will suggest this: Figure out which holidays you are willing to go spend with your family, and which holidays you want to spend in your own home.  Don't let them guilt you into going to their home for every major holiday; establish your own routine for how you want to spend holidays. I understand the feeling that you need to go spend time with them because you're an only child, but if you can't spend more than a few hours with them without all hell breaking loose, then why subject yourself to that over and over again?  You've just moved across the country,  you have cats at home that will need attention, etc., and even more fundamentally, you are a grown-ass woman who gets to decide for yourself where to spend your holidays.  It's probably time to make it clear to your parents that you're not going to be flying in for every single holiday. 

[theredhead77]

@Mindthinkr my mom is a very smart lady when it comes to a lot of things. Common sense in regards to what is comfortable, what others find comfortable and what is reasonable is not one of them. She's one of those people who would donate literal junk if my dad and I weren't there to make her throw it away.

You guys convinced me, I'm going to change my flight to Friday because if this year is anything like last year, none of my friends will be around to hang out on Friday anyway.

I'll be flying back in a few weeks anyway for Hanukkah. My holiday options are fly home or do nothing. I'm single ,no kids so it's not like I'm uprooting them to spend holidays with my parents.

Now, do I take the 11am flight on Friday ( have to leave my parents house around 7:30am) or do I take the 2pm flight (have to leave around 10am)? There are no later non-stop flights, I'm tied to the airport I'm flying out of. My mom sleeps late so it's not like she'll be up to go out for breakfast if I take the later flight.

[Mindthinkr]

4 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

@Mindthinkr my mom is a very smart lady when it comes to a lot of things. Common sense in regards to what is comfortable, what others find comfortable and what is reasonable is not one of them. She's one of those people who would donate literal junk if my dad and I weren't there to make her throw it away.

You guys convinced me, I'm going to change my flight to Friday because if this year is anything like last year, none of my friends will be around to hang out on Friday anyway.

I'll be flying back in a few weeks anyway for Hanukkah. My holiday options are fly home or do nothing. I'm single ,no kids so it's not like I'm uprooting them to spend holidays with my parents.

Now, do I take the 11am flight on Friday ( have to leave my parents house around 7:30am) or do I take the 2pm flight (have to leave around 10am)? There are no later non-stop flights, I'm tied to the airport I'm flying out of. My mom sleeps late so it's not like she'll be up to go out for breakfast if I take the later flight.

Are your parents early enough risers to have breakfast with you if you opt for the 7:30 leaving in the am? If they are then I might choose that option but you may get the "You couldn't wait to get out of here" comments. I'd probably choose the 2 pm flight but I'm not you, not dealing with hostility in my parents home and well rested from not sleeping on a sleeper sofa. Your kitties will appreciate your being home the day earlier. You can rest and have a good cuddle with them for that extra day instead of walking on eggshells with your parents. Don't allow them to make you feel guilty over this. Hopefully with this change you won't have as much stress dreading the holiday. 

[theredhead77]

Nah, we're not a breakfast together household. I didn't mean to make my parents sound like Ogers or that I'll be in a bad situation. I want to go home, I want my moms Thanksgiving dinner and I want to go back in a few weeks for her Hanukkah dinner.

I'm just a bit anxious about spending so much time without an escape plan. If I take the 2pm flight I'll be home around 11pm. If I take the 11am flight I'll be home around 7pm.

[Bastet]

If you wouldn't find it as horrifying as I would to get up that early, I'd take the first flight; the entire day is lost to travel either way, so better to land with plenty of time to get home, unpack, cuddle kitties, and otherwise settle in.

As for the bed, what about a day bed with a trundle?  A friend of mine had one growing up, because her room was small enough that you really didn't want a full-size bed taking up space permanently, so this way she could sleep in a full but the rest of the time just have a twin taking up space.  That way when it's your mom's sewing room, there's not a full-size bed taking up space, but when you or guests are staying there, no one has to sleep in a twin bed like they're a freakin' toddler (I went from crib to full size bed, so I have no twin bed experience other than a random night here and there, and I hate them) and they get two normal mattresses pushed together rather than a sofa bed mattress.  Or a Murphy bed, if she wants to save even more space, but then there's nothing to sit on when it's put up.

[theredhead77]

@stewedsquash I haven't lived in my parents home in nearly 20 years. My old room has been a sewing & disorganized storage room since I moved out for good.  The bed that is in the room is the trundle day-bed that I had as a kid and slept on until I was in my early 20s, where it went into the garage for a few years and reappeared when I moved out. I have no idea how old the mattress is but there is a good chance it's 15+ years old.

My mom knows what kind of pain I wake up in if I don't sleep on a decent mattress. Part of that is genetics (she has the same issues) and part of it was caused by sleeping on a shitty mattress / trundle bed with broken springs for so many years (mattresses were not replaced on a regular basis or with anything of quality). I feel like she shouldn't have asked me if she wasn't going to take it into consideration.

I'm going to call her tonight to figure this out. Sometimes you just need a place to talk it out before you go talk it out with the people who it impacts.

 

@Bastet was replying at the same time. I suggested getting two decent twin mattresses and an egg crate to cover the wedge for the trundle but she wants to get rid of it.

Edited September 20, 2017 by theredhead77

[Bastet]

2 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

I suggested getting two decent twin mattresses and an egg crate to cover the wedge for the trundle but she wants to get rid of it.

That's exactly what my friend did (and she didn't have the egg crate for a while, but she always had good mattresses and the trundle mechanism locked the two tightly together, so the void wasn't much of an issue even without one).  If she's not going to put a decent bed in there, that's her right, but then she can't turn around and get huffy if you go stay in a hotel instead of killing your back on a sofa bed mattress.  I mean, what kind of conversation is "What kind of bed do you want in here?"  "X or Y."  "No, I'm getting Z."  Okay, thanks for asking.

[Mindthinkr]

What about a blow up mattress? Or buy a pool float to put on to of the mattress to give some cushion. I have tried one and it wasn't so bad considering I didn't have to sleep on it permanently. 

[theredhead77]

8 minutes ago, Bastet said:

 I mean, what kind of conversation is "What kind of bed do you want in here?"  "X or Y."  "No, I'm getting Z."  Okay, thanks for asking.

The kind of conversations my mom has.

I'm going to call her tonight and perhaps get my dad on board with getting a decent bed. If I suggest a blow-up mattress it won't be an Aerobed / powered inflatable. She'll find some ASOTV or cheap mattress that won't be much better than sleeping on the floor or her other options. She really just has no common sense sometimes. I did offer to buy whatever was going to go in the room and she shot that down.

[auntlada]

1 hour ago, Mindthinkr said:

What about a blow up mattress? Or buy a pool float to put on to of the mattress to give some cushion. I have tried one and it wasn't so bad considering I didn't have to sleep on it permanently. 

My in-laws did that, and it wasn't bad to sleep on. They did get the big kind that's more like a real bed. It is probably better without another (heavier) person.

[Mindthinkr]

@theredhead77 You have your hands full with your Mom! Good luck with it all. 

[theredhead77]

I suggested a fouton - one of those that has a fold-down back. Apparently her 90something year old friends are telling her a sofa bed is fine and one of them has some sort of pad he puts on it. 

I told her to please stop listening to old people who aren't sleeping in it. The problem is, she half-asses thing on the cheap side, thinking the quality is as good as something more expensive. She'll get a cheap mattress and think putting a memory foam pad on it will be fine. Which it could  be if it was a decent pad, but she'll cheap out and get a 1in or the thinnest, cheapest pad she can find. This isn't a matter of money, they're doing just fine (that's one thing we're open about), she's done that my entire life. On vacation to my grandparents, instead of buying a decent air mattress for me to sleep on, she'd buy a 99cent pool float that would deflate under the weight of being between my teenage self and a hardwood floor.

I told her again I'd just stay at a hotel (turns out my friends will be out of town) and she got outraged. We'll see what happens!

[JTMacc99]

13 hours ago, stewedsquash said:

Sometimes life has a way of just getting rut filled and those ruts cause the anxiety.

I'm going to slap this on a picture of a wagon trail and hang it on my bulletin board next to my pictures of Lucy holding a football with Charlie Brown and the giant train wreck. 

[DeLurker]

My oldest brother and his wife are so frugal on some things it is funny.  He's made good money, she works as a school teacher and they are financially on solid ground from a lifetime of being careful with their money.  With a few exceptions, they don't replace even a small appliance until it is dead-dead.  They've been married 30 years and just replaced the rice cooker they got as a wedding gift this year.  The original one had the dial break off at least 10 years ago, so they had to turn it on with a pair of pliers.  I joked he should use his 3 D printer to make a new dial, but one shaped like pliers.

They live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood, spent money to have a pool/spa added, just remodeled their bathroom, go on trips a couple times of year (usually international at least once) but are otherwise extremely modest in their expenditures.

They've quietly helped out family members with money from time to time, but never talk about it.

[backformore]

On ‎8‎/‎23‎/‎2017 at 0:51 PM, Quof said:

Keep going, I can top all of your crazy parent stories all day long.

I just now saw this challenge.  

My son had an allergic reaction to peanuts when he was very young.  My mom, because she didn't actually SEE the reaction, didn't believe it.  When his allergy (and some others)  were confirmed by the allergist, she said "doctors don't know everything."  I caught her numerous times trying to "test"  the allergy - giving him cookies, even saying "don't worry, there's no nuts!" when giving him peanut butter cookies.   I thought I was being overly sensitive until I heard that she told my siblings "backformore THINKS her son is allergic!"  

My mom rarely babysat for my kids (see above for just ONE of the reasons). On the rare occasions I asked my parents to babysit  -usually when my husband and I had opposite work schedules and our regular sitter was unavailable, she bitched about it.  Even though she babysat for my sister's kids all the time.  So, once, they agreed to watch my kids, it was going to be for the 2 hours when I had to go to work and my husband was not yet home.   Mom called me to cancel at the last minute because my brother got tickets to a ball game, and needed a sitter for his kids.   When I said she had already promise me, she stressed that he got GOOD tickets, and she couldn't say no, because he would miss the game. 

My mom never really liked that I wasn't a cute, popular girl in high school - the kind of perky girl you see in movies.  I was nerdy, wore glasses, loved to read, was uncoordinated, stayed after school for math club, stuff like that.  At my school, smart kids weren't bullied or made fun of.  But at home, my mom took every opportunity to mock me for being "bookish" and to tell me that boys don't like it when a girl is "too smart".  She would also interrupt me doing homework to ask for help with laundry, cleaning, etc,  even though my brothers were sitting around watching TV.  She even tried to sabotage me going to take my college entrance exam.  

Last one (for today) - something that burned in my memory, even though it was 50 years ago.  Once, walking to the store with my mom, just the two of us,  a new neighbor stopped to chat.  She said "your daughter is so pretty!"   My mom replied, "oh no, her sister is the pretty one!"  

Edited October 3, 2017 by backformore

[Quof]

My mother "Your brother just did X.  I wish you would do something I could be proud of." 

Besides paying my own way through 2 university degrees by age 23?  Being entirely independent by age 17?  Being highly regarded in my profession?  Travelling the world, solo?  

[PRgal]

33 minutes ago, Quof said:

My mother "Your brother just did X.  I wish you would do something I could be proud of." 

Besides paying my own way through 2 university degrees by age 23?  Being entirely independent by age 17?  Being highly regarded in my profession?  Travelling the world, solo?  

I told my parents that I want to do an "Eat, Pray, Love" kind of trip across Canada (it would mostly be Eat) if I don't have kids by the age of 40 and guess what my dad said?  "I don't want you to go.  I won't stop you, but I worry."  Yes, he's once again, trying to guilt me out.  I'm 38 right now, and the possibility of having kids is still in the books. 

[Quof]

Do it.  Come East. We'll visit.

[BookWoman56]

On 10/3/2017 at 5:02 PM, PRgal said:

I told my parents that I want to do an "Eat, Pray, Love" kind of trip across Canada (it would mostly be Eat) if I don't have kids by the age of 40 and guess what my dad said?  "I don't want you to go.  I won't stop you, but I worry."  Yes, he's once again, trying to guilt me out.  I'm 38 right now, and the possibility of having kids is still in the books. 

He won't stop you? Does he seriously think he's entitled to tell a 38-year-old woman that she can't go on a trip because he forbids it? I realize that was probably just a figure of speech, but it's very telling that he used it.

[PRgal]

13 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

He won't stop you? Does he seriously think he's entitled to tell a 38-year-old woman that she can't go on a trip because he forbids it? I realize that was probably just a figure of speech, but it's very telling that he used it.

More or less, yeah.  I practically had to beg to go to sleepaway camp when I was a kid, too.  I finally went to music camp (a REAL sleepaway camp with cabins) when I was 16 (I wasn't the oldest there - this camp was specifically for high school kids).  My parents said sleepaway camp is okay, but only if it's on a university campus or at a boarding school (i.e. I won't be in the country and will be sleeping in a "real" building - one with showers IN the same building).  I realize the camp thing is cultural ("camp" to my parents was a bunch of kids spending a weekend on a campsite, sleeping in tents, not one/two weeks or the entire month/summer in a cabin), but they came to Canada YEARS before I was born and SHOULD know what sleepaway camp REALLY is.  Especially since they're fairly integrated compared to other immigrant parents. 

ETA:  This isn't because I'm female.  My mom is like this too. 

Edited October 5, 2017 by PRgal

[theredhead77]

On 10/3/2017 at 6:02 PM, PRgal said:

I told my parents that I want to do an "Eat, Pray, Love" kind of trip across Canada (it would mostly be Eat) if I don't have kids by the age of 40 and guess what my dad said?  "I don't want you to go.  I won't stop you, but I worry."  Yes, he's once again, trying to guilt me out.  I'm 38 right now, and the possibility of having kids is still in the books. 

 

14 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

He won't stop you? Does he seriously think he's entitled to tell a 38-year-old woman that she can't go on a trip because he forbids it? I realize that was probably just a figure of speech, but it's very telling that he used it.

Eh, I'm fairly certain something like that was percolating around my parents head when I announced my big move. As someone(s) here, and other places reminded me, I may be a 40 year old self-sufficient adult but I'm still their little girl. It's doubly hard because 1) there are no siblings or grandkids to focus on and 2)  I'm single, there is no one to "look out" for me and I know they worry.

I don't think it's "telling" of anything except a dad concerned about his "little girl".

On 10/3/2017 at 6:58 PM, Quof said:

Do it.  Come East. We'll visit.

Take me with you. I need a Canada fix!

[Quof]

Only if you bring Trader Joe treats, I'll send you my list.

[PRgal]

33 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

 

Eh, I'm fairly certain something like that was percolating around my parents head when I announced my big move. As someone(s) here, and other places reminded me, I may be a 40 year old self-sufficient adult but I'm still their little girl. It's doubly hard because 1) there are no siblings or grandkids to focus on and 2)  I'm single, there is no one to "look out" for me and I know they worry.

I don't think it's "telling" of anything except a dad concerned about his "little girl".

Take me with you. I need a Canada fix!

I'm an only child as well!!!!  I really think it's more of an only child thing than child-of-immigrants thing.  They were okay with me going away for university - as long as it was within a two or three hour drive from Toronto.  I ended up going to Queen's - about 2 1/2 hours away by car.  I think I'll always be 16 to them.  Old enough to be somewhat independent, but still not quite an adult!! 

[auntlada]

My father was a similar worrier and would have preferred me to stay home or as close to it as possible. I spent my life trying to get away as much as possible (which I regret a little now that he's gone -- or at least I regret not going back to visit as much).

When I got my first bike, he refused to put training wheels on it. I thought it was because he wanted me to learn without them. My mom told me recently it was because he thought I would not ride my bike too far away that way. It didn't work.

I had to postpone Campfire camp a year later than I wanted because he wouldn't let me go the first year I was eligible. In his defense, the year before, three Girl Scouts had been murdered at camp in our state.

I think his job as a journalist made him extra careful, particularly of me because I was the youngest and the only girl -- and the one who was unexpected. His first reporter job was the police beat so he saw a lot of bad things.

[Mindthinkr]

^^^. They say there's usually a method behind the madness. Sounds as though your father was just trying to be protective of you. He'd seen to much to be comfortable with putting you at risk. Sounds like he loved you. 

[BookWoman56]

2 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

 

Eh, I'm fairly certain something like that was percolating around my parents head when I announced my big move. As someone(s) here, and other places reminded me, I may be a 40 year old self-sufficient adult but I'm still their little girl. It's doubly hard because 1) there are no siblings or grandkids to focus on and 2)  I'm single, there is no one to "look out" for me and I know they worry.

I don't think it's "telling" of anything except a dad concerned about his "little girl".

Maybe this belongs in the pet peeves thread, but parents who have that mindset, that their grown-ass daughter is still a "little girl" that they need to protect, bug the hell out of me, in large part because it seems fairly common with daughters and uncommon with sons. When I said I thought the comment was telling, I meant that it indicates there is a desire, whether conscious or subconscious, to still have the same kind of control over the daughter's actions at age 38 as the father had when the daughter was 12 or so. I don't think it is healthy for anyone involved when parents think they can tell their adult children what to do, where to go, etc.  I understand some daughters may be comfortable with or even welcome that protective mindset, but had either of my parents made a comment to me after I reached adulthood that "they wouldn't stop me" from moving  somewhere, I would have politely reminded them that where I live and what I do are my decisions to make, not theirs.