Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[meep.meep]

Perhaps Honey I Shrunk the Kids when he's a little older.

 

[StatisticalOutlier]

9 hours ago, Caoimhe said:

Mine’s going to say “never worked to her potential”.

Define "potential." 

I went to a top tier law school and realized very early on that I was among some truly brilliant and gifted people, and no matter how hard I worked I wasn't going to be at the top of the class.  We were graded on a strict bell curve and I assumed that if I put in only nominal effort, I'd do fine.  And I did, graduating just outside the top third of the class (which isn't all that far from the top half with a strict bell curve).  

I'm sure I would have done better if I'd really applied myself, but the marginal return on that effort probably wasn't going to move the needle that much, and I definitely wouldn't have loved law school as much as I did.  Hanging out with all those really smart, clever, and some cases riotously funny people for three years was a total gas.

Most would say I didn't work to my potential, and I'd agree, if you look only at how much more I could have studied.  But if you define "potential" more holistically, I think I applied my potential exactly correctly.

[Anela]

10 hours ago, Caoimhe said:

Mine’s going to say “never worked to her potential”.

Mine will probably just say something like, “Welp.”

 

[Mindthinkr]

17 hours ago, PRgal said:

I checked the plot and I don't think he's ready - he's not even six yet!  The Wizard of Oz freaked him out when we tried to get him to watch it a few months ago.

My apologies. I didn’t realize his age. I’m glad you checked it out (as I suggested). Perhaps when he is a teen and if he is still interested in entomology. 
My apologies 🧸

[StatisticalOutlier]

17 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

Define "potential." 

I went to a top tier law school and realized very early on that I was among some truly brilliant and gifted people, and no matter how hard I worked I wasn't going to be at the top of the class.  We were graded on a strict bell curve and I assumed that if I put in only nominal effort, I'd do fine.  And I did, graduating just outside the top third of the class (which isn't all that far from the top half with a strict bell curve).  

I'm sure I would have done better if I'd really applied myself, but the marginal return on that effort probably wasn't going to move the needle that much, and I definitely wouldn't have loved law school as much as I did.  Hanging out with all those really smart, clever, and in some cases riotously funny people for three years was a total gas.

Most would say I didn't work to my potential, and I'd agree, if you look only at how much more I could have studied.  But if you define "potential" more holistically, I think I applied my potential exactly correctly.

 

[Caoimhe]

19 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

Define "potential." 

I once pushed back asking what “potential” this was and how they determined that I was not working up to it.  Never got an answer.

[Is Everyone Gone]

Ok i'm about to trauma dump.

I have a sister who is a severely difficult, cluster-B type personality. Two years ago she had a daughter. Since the daughter is my only niece, I try to visit her once a year.

This year, she wanted me to visit the same week her nanny is on vacation. (Note: my sister does not work. She is not rich. She just doesn't like taking care of her daughter.)

So I visit the day after I get back from a big overseas trip. My sister won't allow her husband to pick me up from the airport because she says she doesn't like to watch her daughter alone. Had to get a cab to and from the airport even though the husband has a car and drives all the time, because she doesn't like to watch her daughter.

During the visit, I ended up paying for all the meals. Mine, hers, and her husbands. Her house simply had no food. If I ordered food, she asked for an add-on. I ended up paying huge amounts for their orders. Fine, whatever, since she doesn't work and her husband has to pay for a nanny, money is tight, I get it.

Her rules are ridiculous. When her daughter is taking a mid-afternoon nap downstairs (she has a little area downstairs to sleep which is hardwood floor so they can begin potty-training her), I have to be upstairs as to not wake my niece. What's more, I cannot move. I cannot leave my room. I cannot use the toilet. If I use the toilet, I cannot flush. The reason: any noise might "upset" my napping niece (downstairs). I cannot go downstairs. I once wanted to go jogging while niece was sleeping, and got screamed at, because that would mean walking downstairs.

You cannot use butter knives to cut small things, like bread or grapes. (She wanted me to slice grapes in half for her niece.) Huge house rule is that only she and her husband can use the butter knives.

Every year she whines that I don't visit enough. But when I do visit, this is what happens.

Sad thing is, my niece is adorable.

Edited August 22 by Is Everyone Gone

[isalicat]

On 8/21/2024 at 5:01 PM, Is Everyone Gone said:

She just doesn't like taking care of her daughter.)

Any idea why she had a kid in the first place? Poor child! And the husband goes along with all this???

[Is Everyone Gone]

4 hours ago, isalicat said:

Any idea why she had a kid in the first place? Poor child! And the husband goes along with all this???

From what I understand the husband really wanted the kid.

[isalicat]

9 minutes ago, Is Everyone Gone said:

From what I understand the husband really wanted the kid.

Maybe the husband and the kid should ditch the not interested and super neurotic mom and go lead a happier life elsewhere? That poor little girl is going to be truly scarred from having a mother that refuses to be a mother 😿

[shapeshifter]

15 hours ago, isalicat said:

Maybe the husband and the kid should ditch the not interested and super neurotic mom and go lead a happier life elsewhere? That poor little girl is going to be truly scarred from having a mother that refuses to be a mother 😿

That depends in part upon the nanny and other caregivers, including teachers, neighbors, etc. who may have a positive impact. 

 

On 8/21/2024 at 8:01 PM, Is Everyone Gone said:

Sad thing is, my niece is adorable.

It's nice that you do have some relationship with your niece. It may blossom into something more when she's old enough to visit you. 

My sister and I have a similar relationship. I barely know my adult niece and have never met her now-almost adult kids (my grandniece and grand nephew) in person, which makes me sad. 

My sister and I get along now in our 70s because it's almost completely done over FaceTime.
Maybe you and your sister can do some FaceTiming (or Zooming, or WhatsApping whatever you prefer)?

I see my daughter once a week, and she can be bossy too, but she knows it and we apologize a lot. Yesterday my 2-year-old grandson was casually and cutely interacting with me on FaceTime while he was working with Play Dough while my daughter and I were conversing. 🥰
 

[Is Everyone Gone]

9 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

It's nice that you do have some relationship with your niece. It may blossom into something more when she's old enough to visit you. 

My sister and I have a similar relationship. I barely know my adult niece and have never met her now-almost adult kids (my grandniece and grand nephew) in person, which makes me sad. 

My sister and I get along now in our 70s because it's almost completely done over FaceTime.
Maybe you and your sister can do some FaceTiming (or Zooming, or WhatsApping whatever you prefer)?

We text. But even Facetime degenerates into her bitching nonstop about things. 

For instance, she will whine that she hasn't gone anywhere in 4 years. I say then go somewhere. "But we are very covid cautious." "Then wear a mask." That immediately turns into her yelling at me that I'm not sensitive to all her needs, etc.

It never ends, sigh.

Edited August 25 by Is Everyone Gone

[Dimity]

Speaking of nieces I was in the grocery store with my 3 yr old great niece today and she saw a display of Halloween candy and she sighed, clicked her tongue and said "Hawwoween candy? Oh my goonness, it's not even Septembah".  😅  

[ECM1231]

Wow, she knows her months at age 3? I'm impressed!

[shapeshifter]

2 hours ago, Is Everyone Gone said:

We text. But even Facetime degenerates into her bitching nonstop about things. 

For instance, she will whine that she hasn't gone anywhere in 4 years. I say then go somewhere. "But we are very covid cautious." "Then wear a mask." That immediately turns into her yelling at me that I'm not sensitive to all her needs, etc.

It never ends, sigh.

At one point a couple of years ago my sister was unloading on me like that — the specifics were different, but the level of neediness was the same. I started responding that she needed to talk to a professional.
Her excuse for not talking to a therapist was that it was a small town and the therapist would gossip about her — which, of course, would only happen if the therapist was not a professional. I told her these days you can do therapy via video, and it doesn't have to be local. 
At one point I stopped taking her calls. Basically: boundaries. 
So she started seeing some yoga guru guy. 
She still does yoga. 
Anyway, whenever she starts to talk to me about traumatic stuff, I tell her she needs to talk to a professional and that I am not that. 

[Is Everyone Gone]

I think an issue with my sister is that she doesn't do anything.

She hasn't left the house except for medical reasons for 4 years. She's so afraid of covid that they haven't eaten at a restaurant, seen a movie, nothing. The pandemic stopped her life in its tracks and she permanently shut down her engine and refuses to restart.

She doesn't work. She has a child she doesn't care for. She says she "doesn't have the capability" but with her husband working from home and also taking care of the daughter non-stop, and also the nanny, my sister doesn't have to do much.

She has a doctorate but doesn't even have any normal clothes left bc she says what's the point of wearing normal clothes if she never leaves the house.

It was actually a huge deal that I convinced her to subscribe to Peacock so she could watch the Olympics this summer.

God this is depressing.

[shapeshifter]

7 hours ago, Is Everyone Gone said:

I think an issue with my sister is that she doesn't do anything.

She hasn't left the house except for medical reasons for 4 years. She's so afraid of covid that they haven't eaten at a restaurant, seen a movie, nothing. The pandemic stopped her life in its tracks and she permanently shut down her engine and refuses to restart.

She doesn't work. She has a child she doesn't care for. She says she "doesn't have the capability" but with her husband working from home and also taking care of the daughter non-stop, and also the nanny, my sister doesn't have to do much.

She has a doctorate but doesn't even have any normal clothes left bc she says what's the point of wearing normal clothes if she never leaves the house.

It was actually a huge deal that I convinced her to subscribe to Peacock so she could watch the Olympics this summer.

God this is depressing.

That certainly does sound like Major Depressive Disorder with probably some other comorbidity. But I am not a professional. Does she know all health insurances now cover mental health, and that video appointments are covered?

It seems like the dad figures having the nanny is good enough, and it’s better than nothing, but it doesn’t sound like it’s enough.

In the early 1950s, when my mother could not “get over” the loss of her mother, the family doctor recommended that she get pregnant😵‍💫 (hence my existence). 
In the 60s my parents thought buying a puppy would cure my sister’s anorexia (just last year she told me she had been molested😵).
Even in the 2000s health insurance only covered limited numbers of appointments for both psychotherapy and psychiatry (for medication) combined. 
But it’s different now.
Techniques include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

If she won’t listen to you, can you talk to her husband? Maybe do some googling and offer a list of options?

Or just be firm that you are not qualified to give the help she needs.

Edited August 25 by shapeshifter

[Is Everyone Gone]

6 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

If she won’t listen to you, can you talk to her husband? Maybe do some googling and offer a list of options?

Or just be firm that you are not qualified to give the help she needs.

Her husband is part of the problem. He enables her. To give you an example of how: his elderly mother was flying in from Europe to visit him. 12 hour flight and all. The nanny was not around bc it was the weekend and my sister forbid him from picking her up at the airport bc she didn't "feel like" caring for their daughter in the hour or so it would take to pick up grandma at the airport. Nor would she allow her daughter to ride in the car with him bc that meant putting on pull-up diapers and she "didn't feel like" changing them when they got home. Her husband immediately complied, no questions.

[isalicat]

6 hours ago, Is Everyone Gone said:

Her husband is part of the problem. He enables her. To give you an example of how: his elderly mother was flying in from Europe to visit him. 12 hour flight and all. The nanny was not around bc it was the weekend and my sister forbid him from picking her up at the airport bc she didn't "feel like" caring for their daughter in the hour or so it would take to pick up grandma at the airport. Nor would she allow her daughter to ride in the car with him bc that meant putting on pull-up diapers and she "didn't feel like" changing them when they got home. Her husband immediately complied, no questions.

I predict that little girl (your niece) runs away from home as soon as she is able. I can't fathom growing up in such a dysfunctional household. 😿

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, isalicat said:

I predict that little girl (your niece) runs away from home as soon as she is able. I can't fathom growing up in such a dysfunctional household. 😿

If so, I hope she runs to Auntie @Is Everyone Gone.

[BlueSkies]

My Dad tends to look out for my aunt quite a bit.....   she lives on her own in her house and isn't married.  He'll often help her with maintenance stuff if needed around her house.

 

That being said I think sometimes he forgets she has an opinion of her own kind of thing.  I could be like that at work.  Like for example when I started at my job I took things there way to personally and internalized it.  I see I new hire there kind of does the same things now.  I'd help her but at the same time people have their own opinions kind of deal.  

[PRgal]

This is a question for all you Boomers with grandkids:  Do you guys like spending as much time with your grandkids as you can, trying to teach them things you're passionate about, whether your grandkid likes it or not or often trying to convince your children (i.e. their parents) that they should do that?  My dad is really trying to push golf on my son.  He already has plans to send him to golf camp next summer.  And I don't even WANT to think about summer 2025 yet since the school year hasn't yet started for us!  My current worry is whether my son would adjust to Grade 1 easily and whether he might need testing for ADHD.  

[Dimity]

7 minutes ago, PRgal said:

My dad is really trying to push golf on my son.  He already has plans to send him to golf camp next summer.

I appreciated it when my parents did things with my kids, and my dad did take all his grandsons out golfing as it was something that was important to him and he wanted to share that with them.  Luckily for him out of his 4 grandsons he did get one who loved it as much as he did (not my kid BTW). 

Anyway all that to say I don't see anything wrong with your Dad encouraging an interest in golf (but I would think your son is a bit young - just my opinion for what it's worth).  Totally would draw the line at golf camp.  This is not appropriate.  You and your husband choose his camps!

[PRgal]

11 hours ago, Dimity said:

I appreciated it when my parents did things with my kids, and my dad did take all his grandsons out golfing as it was something that was important to him and he wanted to share that with them.  Luckily for him out of his 4 grandsons he did get one who loved it as much as he did (not my kid BTW). 

Anyway all that to say I don't see anything wrong with your Dad encouraging an interest in golf (but I would think your son is a bit young - just my opinion for what it's worth).  Totally would draw the line at golf camp.  This is not appropriate.  You and your husband choose his camps!

I think he's too young as well, but apparently golf camp there starts at 6, which he will be next summer.  My dad will be 77 this year.  Maybe he's freaking out about reaching the big 8?

[shapeshifter]

16 hours ago, PRgal said:

This is a question for all you Boomers with grandkids:  Do you guys like spending as much time with your grandkids as you can, trying to teach them things you're passionate about, whether your grandkid likes it or not or often trying to convince your children (i.e. their parents) that they should do that?  My dad is really trying to push golf on my son.  He already has plans to send him to golf camp next summer.  And I don't even WANT to think about summer 2025 yet since the school year hasn't yet started for us!  My current worry is whether my son would adjust to Grade 1 easily and whether he might need testing for ADHD.  

Googling for my area and your son's age shows 2 golf camps with similar objectives for young attendees that seem designed to satisfy Grandpa's objective while keeping the experience light and fun for the kids:

Quote

Ages 5-10 (5 lessons)
Eagle Vale Golf Club
Our expansive Teaching Center allows us to utilize multiple stations of activity where we integrate agility, balance, throwing and catching, alongside standard golf fundamentals to keep kids enthused, interested and focused. The long range goal is to have kids fall in love with the game of golf, but also be able to excel in other sports and activities that they want to explore. 

Quote

U.S. Kids Golf introduces children to the sport of golf through fun, game based learning model. We are coupling the U.S. Kids Golf program with the ADM model, which focuses on catering a child’s golf learning to their age and stage of development. FLGA Coaches are committed to making sure your child doesn’t fall victim to burnout due to early specialization, and ADM allows FLGA to do that.

You may see “non-golf” activities incorporated into lessons and practice, such as throwing, catching, kicking, etc. These activities are designed to ensure that your child continues to develop across all motor skills and mental/physical fitness skills.

 

My skill sets are fortunately just art and music, so nothing special beyond, say, showing the 2-year-old that the broken crayon still works after peeling off the paper, and can cover large areas when its side is rubbed on the paper.

 

4 hours ago, PRgal said:

My dad will be 77 this year.  Maybe he's freaking out about reaching the big 8?

Yes. I don't know how much longer I'll be in their lives, and struggle with how to leave them not feeling sadder for having lost me than if they'd never really known me (like my experience with grandparents). 

One more consideration:
Golf is generally a lifelong activity. I live adjacent to a golf course, and a lot of my older neighbors live in these condos because of the golf course. So your Dad might be thinking about that too, both for himself being able to do this activity with his grandson in another 5-10 years, and for his grandson having a life-long hobby that gets him outdoors and interacting with people.
Of course, there's also the notion that the people who play golf are higher class, but I wouldn't know about that IRL. I do not golf.

Edited September 2 by shapeshifter

[ginger90]

26 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Our expansive Teaching Center allows us to utilize multiple stations

In my experience this type of setting is best for young children. 

[Dimity]

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

My dad will be 77 this year.  Maybe he's freaking out about reaching the big 8?

My Dad was that age when the first great grand was born and he has never been as actively involved with any of them as he was with the grands.     At 77 if he can still do things with your son that's a good thing.

[Absolom]

As long as Grandpa is willing to accept it if the kid despises golf, then let him try it.  Golf camp at 6 is usually fine.  These places know what they're getting and plan accordingly.  My suggestion is if one of the golf courses offers kiddie golf lessons and grandpa is willing to pay for a month or two and provide transportation that would be ideal.  Once a week isn't usually an imposition on the child and then everyone can find out the child's opinion.  Suggest ice cream or another treat after each successful (child behaved and followed directions) lesson.

My perspective is based on grandkids' daddy and grandpa loving golf so they began lessons at age 4.  Lesson one is don't talk while the instructor is talking.  Lesson two follows very quickly with do NOT move a golf club until you are told to do so.  Lesson three is figuring out two golf club lengths and maintaining that distance at all times from all people.  It's done with lots of jokes and chatter.  The grandkids loved it and both have continued playing golf although other activities have taken a higher priority.  

[ECM1231]

My 1st cousin and I have always been close. Her family literally lived around the corner from mine growing up, and her mom, my mom's youngest sibling, was like a 2nd mother to me all of my life. My cousin is 2 years younger than me, and as a child, was closer to my sister, as they were only 3 months difference in age. My cousin is also the godmother of my youngest child. We both have adult children.

Just a bit over 2 years ago my cousin stopped communicating with my sister and me. We were supposed to meet for lunch at my niece's house, and my cousin was bringing her mom, our aunt, to meet all the new grandbabies in our family. My cousin cancelled a few days before, saying something had come up. Then shortly thereafter her daughter was having some sort of medical procedure, and she texted both my sister and me asking for prayers. She did not elaborate, and we knew better than to ask, b/c for as close as we all were, my cousin is an extremely private person, whereas sis and I are an open book.

I did inquire how her daughter was doing via text, and she did reply that she was back at home recuperating (back at her mom's house, and not in her own apartment.).  No further word and this transpired during the summer of 2022. At some point I spoke to my cousin's brother, asking if everything was alright with his mom, my aunt b/c I couldn't understand why his sister was incommunicado. He revealed to me that my cousin's husband was having some health issues, which were not life-threatening, but had rattled his sister, who tends not to handle stress very well. This sort of made sense b/c as I mentioned, my cousin is extremely private. Well, 2022 came and went and I did text her on her birthday wishing her a happy birthday and she did thank me via text. I can't recall if she texted me happy birthday on my New Year's Eve birthday or not. But the kicker was that in July of 2023 my 2nd grandchild was born, and I never received any kind of congratulatory text from her. Even though she hadn't been accepting phone calls, she had been in some sort of contact, but that all stopped a year ago. 

I've called her landline and left voice messages telling her I missed her and asked why she is not in touch with us. I've asked her if I've done anything to offend her, but still no phone calls. My sister is done with her. She says that she knows that we haven't done or said anything offensive, so the hell with her.

I had called my male cousin, the brother, a few months ago, to please, please ask his sister what is wrong, if anything. He didn't get back to me, but when I called him again, he said that as far as he knows, she's not angry with us, which really was a non-answer.

My aunt, who is in her late 80s has dementia of some sort. She lives alone in her home, with the help of a daytime aide, and overnight aide. She does not have Alzheimer's. She is pleasant to talk to and remembers me and always inquires about my husband and kids when I see her, but she will not remember our visit the next day. When I was there a few weeks ago, she kept asking me if she'd offered me lunch, and I did say that she did and I was fine, and didn't want anything. My sister and I last saw her for her birthday in March, which was a planned visit. Come to think of it, my sister was in touch with our cousin, via text, b/c she asked her what we should bring for lunch. My sister wound up  making a quiche, and I brought dessert. When we arrived, we saw that our cousin had dropped off bagels, but she didn't stay to visit. Her brother has always told me that I don't need an invitation to visit, so that's why a few weeks ago, I just dropped by to visit. My aunt is always happy to see me.

Well, at this visit, my aunt's aide took out her phone and showed me a photo of a newborn baby. My cousin had a new grandson, born just days before. The aide shared with me the baby's name. This aide is a long-time employee and had no knowledge that my cousin is not speaking to me or to my sister. My cousin would be horrified to know that the aide shared this with us, but I am saddened that the news of a grandchild would not be shared with us, nor that her daughter was even expecting another child. 

At times I think of driving to her home to confront her (she lives about 20 minutes' drive or so), but who knows if she'll be home, or even open her door to me? She has a vacation home in FL, and she goes there frequently.

I just can't believe that she's ghosted both my sister and me. I've wracked my brain trying to figure out why. We used to meet up a few times a year for lunch at a diner, and of course would text and sometimes call. We shared via text photos of our grandchildren. I guess that if she refuses to call or text, there's nothing I can do and the next time I will see her in person is probably for her mom's funeral. 🙁

[Bastet]

2 hours ago, Absolom said:

As long as Grandpa is willing to accept it if the kid despises golf, then let him try it.

I agree.  My friend's dad is absolutely obsessed with golf, so tried to teach both his kids, but neither found it fun so he didn't force it.  When grandchildren came along, he again wanted to see if either would be into that as an activity they could do together; the grandson didn't like it, but the granddaughter did.

13 minutes ago, ECM1231 said:

I just can't believe that she's ghosted both my sister and me. I've wracked my brain trying to figure out why.

It sounds like she has had a metric shit ton of stuff going on over the past couple of years, so she could be overwhelmed by her life, lacking the emotional energy to interact with anyone beyond her immediate family.  After such a long relationship, it really hurts to receive silence instead of a simple explanation if that's the case, but whatever her reason is, she has made it clear by that silence she is not going to respond.  If and when she ever gets in contact again and explains, you can decide whether or not to renew a relationship, but I don't think you should show up at her house and confront her.

[Absolom]

Two years ago a friend of mine "went weird" as I call it.  She hasn't spoken to another friend of ours in over nine months.  No one did anything to her.  I knew she was going through depression.  I call her and she answers and will talk to me briefly, but never the long in-depth talks we used to have.  She almost never calls me.  It all started about the time other common friends of ours and friends of hers from church began dying.  I have just written it off as she "went weird" as I said above and do as I please and figure it's her problem.  

[Dimity]

I think we've all had a similar experience at one time or another.  For me it was a close friend from high school.  We drifted apart once we were in our twenties and living pretty different lives but still had sporadic contact.  And then one day it was like as far as she was concerned I didn't exist anymore.  It hurt but to be honest she had become such a peripheral part of my life to that point that it just wasn't as big a deal as it could have been.

Anyway fast forwarding to earlier this summer I noticed she was on FB and reached out to her.  She actually responded and we messaged back and forth a bit but I think that both of us know the friendship is well and truly over.

I never did have the nerve to ask her why she dropped me.  Maybe I just don't really want to know!

[EtheltoTillie]

@ECM1231 that's a sad story for you.  It's hard to be on the receiving end of that.  But you did say one thing that may be a clue.  You said your cousin is a very "private person."  This sounds like you are saying this is a quality she always had and this behavior did not arise overnight.  

"Private person" is one of those code phrases that I hear about some of the older people I deal with in my practice.  Everyone is in theory a "private person."  We don't broadcast everything about ourselves.  We don't want others to control us.  But this phrase is different.   It's a phrase that is never used unless the person has actually always been a difficult person. 

 

[shapeshifter]

11 hours ago, EtheltoTillie said:

"Private person" is one of those code phrases that I hear about some of the older people I deal with in my practice.  Everyone is in theory a "private person."  We don't broadcast everything about ourselves.  We don't want others to control us.  But this phrase is different.   It's a phrase that is never used unless the person has actually always been a difficult person. 

I've never heard this interpretation of the phrase/term "private person," but I can see how it could make it difficult for someone hired as a consultant if their client kept back key information. Is that what you mean, @EtheltoTillie? 
Like if they had a gambling addiction and you were a financial planner.

For me, a "nutshell" description of a "private person" might just be:
"the opposite of a Kardashian."

I'm more familiar with these various (mostly first-person) definitions on Quora, including:

Quote

• …needs little human interaction…
• …not prone to share details about themselves or their lives…
• …not bored by being alone.…
• …a person with healthy personal boundaries…
• …nobody coming in the bathroom while I'm in the shower…
• …That’s a compliment . It means this person has no need to share everything , and doesn’t “share their dirty laundry” in public…
• …has trust issues…

https://www.quora.com/What-does-it-mean-when-someone-is-said-to-be-a-private-person

The last one, "has trust issues," is more of an explanation that a definition, but may apply to @ECM1231's cousin. If so, the "trust issues" are not necessarily anything related to you personally, @ECM1231.

My cousin passed on Sunday. She was actually a seemingly public person, but that was due to her lengthy career of writing for news publication. 
But I had no idea she had cancer 2 years ago or that it had returned. 
We actually never met in person, but one of my daughters got to know her, and I did a watercolor portrait of her goddaughter. 
I'm not "hurt" that she didn't share her cancer journey with me, even though she knew I had dealt with an initial terminal diagnosis 8 years ago. 
I am just sad that I didn't get to know her more. 
From all of the personal tributes I've been reading, I think we would have enjoyed discovering how we were so much alike. 

For now, I am imagining an alternate universe in which I knocked on her door in the 70s and she got me a job as a courtroom sketch artist, which could have easily happened at that time.  
So, I guess, @ECM1231, you want to physically knock on your cousin's door so at least you won't regret having not done so.

18 hours ago, ECM1231 said:

At times I think of driving to her home to confront her (she lives about 20 minutes' drive or so), but who knows if she'll be home, or even open her door to me? She has a vacation home in FL, and she goes there frequently.

Can you do it with a "was just driving by" vibe including, "if this is a bad time, I can come back later," and accept without argument that the response may be that you are not welcome and be prepared to politely walk away?
 

[EtheltoTillie]

44 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

I've never heard this interpretation of the phrase/term "private person," but I can see how it could make it difficult for someone hired as a consultant if their client kept back key information. Is that what you mean, @EtheltoTillie? 
Like if they had a gambling addiction and you were a financial planner.

F
 

This is not exactly what I mean.  Your first example is called sandbagging.  Client does not reveal something important because it's embarrassing and then you are in court and it comes out on the witness stand.

My example is something else entirely, and it is so hard to explain because it's not acknowledged by the people who are using the phrase.  Because they are in denial. It's what you said about trust issues.

It's not that the client keeps back information from the consultant.  It's that they keep back all information from everybody.  They have managed all these years without help or interference, but now they can't.    Someone else comes to me, a sibling, for example, or a social worker or a neighbor.  The elder person is already in some compromised position because after many years her isolationist coping strategies can no longer work.  You ask info about the person and the helper or sibling or neighbor doesn't know it.  "She's a very private person, you know," they say.  They want to give some rationality and dignity to the person's behavior, so they use this phrase.

I say yes, but do you actually mean that they have always been somewhat difficult?   They then have to acknowledge that yes, I am correct.  Again, no one uses this phrase for just an ordinary person.  They just don't.  Some of these cases end up in guardianship court because the individual has never trusted anyone and made arrangements to be assisted in the case of incapacity. 

Edited September 3 by EtheltoTillie

[supposebly]

As a person who probably would be assigned that phrase, you might also want to consider that whatever is going on in their life, they might just not want to share because you are not in direct contact all the time.

I didn't share my chronic depression and anxiety issues with someone I haven't seen in years. It's hard enough to share it with people who are near and emotionally close to deal with the well-meaning advice that often just makes things worse. Just because we used to be close doesn't mean we all still feel the same after years.

I have a friend who I was very close to during grad school but we haven't been in the same time zone or even country for almost 20 years. These days, she doesn't share much of her life with me and neither do I with her. We talk maybe once every 2 years and catch up but I think for both of us, not much would be different if we didn't do that. Sometimes, I'm sad about that but on the other hand, that's just what time and and distance do. And probably most importantly, sometimes, it's just not all that personal.

For a while, I thought it was my fault, and when I got the nerve to ask what I did, she was surprised that I even thought that there was something serious.

There is only so much space for people in someone's life, especially when they are the kind of person who doesn't have/need/want a lot of friends and is fine with one or two.

Unless there is regular contact, it's hard to keep closeness and trust and eventually, one might not feel that anymore. 

ETA: And can I just say, I hate the phrase "difficult person". I find it very judgmental.  And I feel it's often applied to women more than men.

Edited September 3 by supposebly

[shapeshifter]

57 minutes ago, supposebly said:

There is only so much space for people in someone's life, especially when they are the kind of person who doesn't have/need/want a lot of friends and is fine with one or two.

Unless there is regular contact, it's hard to keep closeness and trust and eventually, one might not feel that anymore. 

That has been my story my entire life, and I suspect is more common today where it is easy to retreat to a virtual life.

[ECM1231]

1 hour ago, supposebly said:

There is only so much space for people in someone's life, especially when they are the kind of person who doesn't have/need/want a lot of friends and is fine with one or two.

Oh, this definitely does not apply to my cousin, who is a very social person and has tons of friends. Up until 2 years ago, we WERE very close, chatting on the phone, texting photos of our grandchildren, meeting up at the diner several times a year. 

@shapeshifter, re the list of definitions you posted about being a private person, the definition that fits my cousin most is

"not prone to share details about themselves or their lives…"  As I said, this is not a NEW behavior or character trait of hers. She's always been reluctant to share personal details about her life. I can't say that when we used to get together or during our many phone conversations that our conversations were superficial. Not at all. And she has shared a few personal things with me that I know she has not shared with my sister, and I have kept those things to myself. I'm not talking about things that I myself would keep private, like personal finances. Just things that I would not consider out of bounds: If I got a new car or went on vacation, I'd share those things with her, but she would never do the same. It's like everything is a big secret with her. It's definitely something she picked up from her family, though, b/c my aunt was like that and so is her brother. 

I'm still mulling over what I should do. I've given her ample opportunity to call me, but she hasn't. I'm still open to popping in if I'm in the neighborhood as it's not something that I've never done before. It wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me to do that. 

 

[Dimity]

Ok, hands up those of you who had siblings  if this looks a lot like stuff you once did!

[shapeshifter]

12 hours ago, Dimity said:

Ok, hands up those of you who had siblings  if this looks a lot like stuff you once did!

More likely my sister would gaslight me into believing I already had my share last week and either take the whole thing or give me a small bit. 

But I wasn't always an angel. I still recall one time we split the M&Ms and I kept back a few of mine until she had eaten all of hers and then pointedly ate them in front of her.
Although now that I type this memory, I wonder if she had palmed more than her share into her pocket.

[SoMuchTV]

14 hours ago, Dimity said:

Ok, hands up those of you who had siblings  if this looks a lot like stuff you once did!

 

2 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

More likely my sister would gaslight me into believing I already had my share last week and either take the whole thing or give me a small bit. 

But I wasn't always an angel. I still recall one time we split the M&Ms and I kept back a few of mine until she had eaten all of hers and then pointedly ate them in front of her.
Although now that I type this memory, I wonder if she had palmed more than her share into her pocket.

Wait, does nobody still follow the ancient law of "one cuts, the other chooses"?

[Mindthinkr]

8 minutes ago, SoMuchTV said:

Wait, does nobody still follow the ancient law of "one cuts, the other chooses"?

That’s how we have always done it. 

[Ohiopirate02]

My dad would have kept track and made sure we always had an even number of candy bars whatever the size. This was in addition to the Snickers Tax he imposed once we went to bed.

[Dimity]

21 minutes ago, Ohiopirate02 said:

This was in addition to the Snickers Tax he imposed once we went to bed.

Memories of Halloween when my noble parents forced themselves to go through our bags and somehow managed to snag a few caramilk (for Mom) and snickers (for Dad) bars.  I carried on this proud tradition 😀.

My kids also did the age old sibling thing of saving some Halloween candy so at some point in November you can haul it out and gloat "look how much I have left".

[Ohiopirate02]

3 hours ago, Dimity said:

My kids also did the age old sibling thing of saving some Halloween candy so at some point in November you can haul it out and gloat "look how much I have left".

We would try that, but I grew up in a strict no food in the bedrooms house. We were only allowed to eat in the kitchen, dining room, and family room on most days. There was no hiding Halloween candy in our bedrooms no matter how hard we tried. Well, let's be honest here, we sucked at trying to hide this. Those pesky candy wrapper never made it into the trash.

I have it ingrained in me to not eat in bed. Outside of those years living in a dorm as an undergrad, I do not eat food in my bed. I save that for when I'm in a hotel. 

[PRgal]

28 minutes ago, Ohiopirate02 said:

We would try that, but I grew up in a strict no food in the bedrooms house. We were only allowed to eat in the kitchen, dining room, and family room on most days. There was no hiding Halloween candy in our bedrooms no matter how hard we tried. Well, let's be honest here, we sucked at trying to hide this. Those pesky candy wrapper never made it into the trash.

I have it ingrained in me to not eat in bed. Outside of those years living in a dorm as an undergrad, I do not eat food in my bed. I save that for when I'm in a hotel. 

I don't think I've EVER eaten in bed.  Even as an undergrad, if I ate in my dorm room, I ate at my desk.  Crumbs in bed = a very bad thing.

[Dimity]

I still remember the one and only time my children brought me breakfast in bed on Mother's Day.  It was not good.  Sure I was a good sport (I'm a delight) but after that I made sure we had other ways to celebrate Mommy's big day.

[Ohiopirate02]

19 minutes ago, Dimity said:

I still remember the one and only time my children brought me breakfast in bed on Mother's Day.  It was not good.  Sure I was a good sport (I'm a delight) but after that I made sure we had other ways to celebrate Mommy's big day.

My mom lucked out when it came to breakfast in bed--my dad made a mean breakfast. We're talking pancakes, hashbrowns, bacon or sausage, eggs, and coffee. The odd thing is he was not a breakfast eater on most days. But, he decided the one meal he would excel at and keep him fed after he moved out of my grandparents' home and lived on his own was breakfast. I still remember in high school and undergrad when my dad would stay at home on Christmas Eve and have breakfast waiting for us after Midnight Mass.

[Ancaster]

1 hour ago, Dimity said:

I still remember the one and only time my children brought me breakfast in bed on Mother's Day.  It was not good.  Sure I was a good sport (I'm a delight) but after that I made sure we had other ways to celebrate Mommy's big day.

One year my (ex) decided it would be fun to bring me breakfast in bed on Mother's Day.  Rather then prep it and finish it off when I woke up, he made it and had our children wake me up!!  Notice I said "ex."

Edited September 4 by Ancaster

[Mindthinkr]

I feel terrible for my daughter. Her youngest has Covid, her oldest has Strep and she has a bad case of the flu. The middle son has the natural immunity of a bull. He remains healthy despite living in a house with all three of these illnesses. Her ex refuses to help in any way (get groceries, tote anyone to the Dr or drop off medications when his oldest needed a Rx filled).