Small Talk: "I'll Take Non-Show Chat For $400, Alex."

[Clanstarling]

4 hours ago, saber5055 said:

Out of respect for my friend @Trey, I honor her request for the return of Jokey Jokey Thursday. Because it's Thursday AGAIN, gang. How does that happen every week?

First, to comment on @suebee1212's toad joke, last week I was sitting in the kitchen and a toad the size of a man's fist hopped across the floor. WTH! I caught it in a bucket, and that's when I learned toads have hands with fingers so they can jump up and grasp the top edge of any container they are in. I shook it back down and took it outside to live beyond my back-yard fence. This one is not a joke!

I also have a frog that lives in my back yard. I ran over it once with the mower, and thank goodness it lived to hop away with all legs intact. The next time I mowed, it hopped out of the yard when I started the mower. Conclusion: Frogs are not stupid. Again: Not a joke. So it's safe to keep reading if you dare.

I read in the Media thread the comments about Cheech Marin. I do know smoking pot causes short-term memory loss. Next thing you know, they’ll say smoking pot causes short-term memory loss.

I’m not saying it’s bad here on Earth right now, but NASA is reporting that aliens flying by our planet are locking their doors.

I had lunch at an outside restaurant last weekend. Two Karens were at the next table. The waiter stopped by and asked them, “Is anything okay?”

Because of this Coronavirus, I’ve been washing my hands so much, this morning I found the answers to an old eight-grade math quiz. If I had five dollars for every math test I failed, I’d have 37 dollars.

I told my doctor I am having trouble hearing. He said, “Well, can you describe the symptoms.” I said, “Sure, Bart’s a wise guy, Marge has blue hair, Homer’s kinda chubby ...”

Woman says, “Doctor, for eight months now my husband thinks he’s a lawnmower.” Doctor says, “Why didn’t you bring him in sooner?” Lady says, “Well, the neighbor just returned him this morning.”

Woman says, “Doctor, my husband thinks he’s a chicken.” Doctor says, “Why didn’t you bring him in sooner?” She says, “Well, we needed the eggs.”

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression. I said, “Sure.” So he shouts, “NOT THE CRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.” And he said, “Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

Now send the kids away or shield their eyes so you don't have to explain these PG-14-rated jokes.

Broccoli says, “Hey, look at me, I’m a tree!” The mushroom says, “Wow, I look just like an umbrella!” The banana says, “Let’s talk about sports.”

Young guy at the pharmacy buying his first pack of condoms. Pharmacist says, “That’ll be 10 dollars and 35 cents including tax.” The guy says, “Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves.”

And finally this one, which is guaranteed to make every 12 year old laugh:

Do you know what a dinosaur fart is called? A blast from the past.

That's all folks. Heading back into hibernation now ...

Thanks Saber, it's been a rough week and these were fun. 🙂

[saber5055]

1 hour ago, BuckeyeLou said:

Wow: the toad in your house! Maybe he was looking for a cool spot to hang out 🙂

Some day I will tell the story of the bat I found in my bedroom one night. They feel like paper when they land on your head.

[SoMuchTV]

5 hours ago, saber5055 said:

I had lunch at an outside restaurant last weekend. Two Karens were at the next table. The waiter stopped by and asked them, “Is anything okay?”

I’m not generally a fan of this whole “Karen” thing. I mean, I know what they’re going for, but I feel bad for all the Karens who did nothing but have parents who named them. But given all that, I had to laugh at this one. 

[saber5055]

Here are some Thirsty Thursday jokes for @Trey and anyone else looking for a spirit lifter, liquid or otherwise. I've done my best, but it's up to the individual to decide if they lift anything, spirits or otherwise.

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. Bartender brought out a guy that looked just like me.

San Serif and Times New Roman walked into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out of here, we don’t serve your type.”

Ancient Roman walks into a bar. Bartender says, “What’ll it be.” Roman holds up two fingers and says, “Give me five beers.”

A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents,” and runs out the door.

Two friends are sitting at a bar; one has schizophrenia. Suddenly the schizophrenic starts bursting out laughing, and it takes a few minutes for him to calm down. When he finally does, he says to his friend, "Sorry, it's a inside joke."

And lastly, a PG-rated one. Hide the kids.

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did that little guy and the piano come from?" The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the lamp and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish. The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks. “What just happened?” the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

[Trey]

Thanks, @saber5055, there's nothing like some good bad jokes to lift the spirits😀

[saber5055]

8 minutes ago, Trey said:

, there's nothing like some good bad jokes to lift the spirits😀

And those were the best bad jokes I had this week. (Credit Jack O'Donnell/Brian Cranston, "Argo")

[Prevailing Wind]

I stole the time traveler one for my cat's FB account.

[Driad]

3 hours ago, saber5055 said:

A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

One of Spider Robinson's collections of "Callahan's Saloon" stories is titled "Time Travelers Strictly Cash."

[Prevailing Wind]

As for time travelling stories, you know how they always claim you can't go back and kill your grandfather... I read one where the guy's wife was despicable, so he went back in time & seduced her grandmother. Her grandfather now would not marry the woman because she wasn't a virgin, so the traveller's wife's family stopped there.  Then he goes forward to his time and discovers his "new" wife is even worse than the old one.  Be careful what you wish for. LOL.

 

[illdoc]

15 hours ago, Prevailing Wind said:

I read one where the guy's wife was despicable, so he went back in time & seduced her grandmother. Her grandfather now would not marry the woman because she wasn't a virgin, so the traveller's wife's family stopped there.  Then he goes forward to his time and discovers his "new" wife is even worse than the old one.  Be careful what you wish for. LOL.

You think that's bad...you should read the wikipedia description of a movie called "Predestination". Roughly, Jane gives birth to a girl who is stolen by a time traveler. Turns out Jane *is* that baby (i.e. she gave birth to herself). Furthermore, as a result of complications, Jane becomes John. John is the man who impregnates Jane AND is the time traveler as well. 

[Driad]

"Predestination" is based on Heinlein's story "All You Zombies."

Edited July 18, 2020 by Driad

[zoey1996]

On 7/18/2020 at 12:32 PM, illdoc said:

You think that's bad...you should read the wikipedia description of a movie called "Predestination". Roughly, Jane gives birth to a girl who is stolen by a time traveler. Turns out Jane *is* that baby (i.e. she gave birth to herself). Furthermore, as a result of complications, Jane becomes John. John is the man who impregnates Jane AND is the time traveler as well. 

Time traveling is so mind-boggling, it makes my head hurt.  So I don't try to follow the logic, I just let it be.

 

On 7/18/2020 at 2:02 PM, Driad said:

"Predestination" is based on Heinlein's story "All You Zombies."

Liked your jokes, @saber5055!

My copy of Trebek's book came!  I've read a little bit, and wish I could just sit and read today!

Edited July 23, 2020 by zoey1996

[saber5055]

Somehow Thursday has rolled around again. Good luck on anyone who might get a small smile or grimace out of one of these. I know they aren’t great jokes, but maybe I think that because I have an inferiority complex, even though it’s not a very good one.

I told my husband I wanted to be cremated and he made me an appointment for Tuesday.

So apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “Maybe next time” is not the correct response?

Oh, by the way, don’t worry guys, the man who fell into the upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

I was at the rental store last weekend and this guy came in all sweaty and exhausted. He put a chainsaw on the counter and said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with this thing, but it took me all afternoon to cut down one tree.” The rental guy picked up the chainsaw and said, “Let me check it out.” He pulled the cord and started it up. The guy jumped back and shouted, “What’s that noise?”

My church was suppose to have a class about prophesies but it was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

I thought I had schizophrenia. Turns out it was my wife saying: "You treat me like I don't exist."

A Tibetan monk sees Jesus in a tub of margarine. He raises his eyes to heaven and says, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.”

And finally, one that encompasses several types of people ... and maybe some of you posters:

What do you get if you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, a schizophrenic and a dyslexic? A person who argues with himself all night about whether or not there is a dog.

Edited July 23, 2020 by saber5055

[Prevailing Wind]

Which has more legs, one cat or no cat?

 

Spoiler

No cat.  Because no cat has five legs.

 

[saber5055]

1 hour ago, Prevailing Wind said:

Which has more legs, one cat or no cat?

PW, that is such a great riddle. Even when I looked at the answer, I was all, what? It took a while for it to sink in. (I'm blaming one long day at the doctor's.)

Edited July 24, 2020 by saber5055

[Prevailing Wind]

16 hours ago, saber5055 said:

PW, that is such a great riddle. Even when I looked at the answer, I was all, what? It took a while for it to sink in. (I'm blaming one long day at the doctor's.)

I stole it from a "friend" on Facebook.

[peeayebee]

On 7/23/2020 at 9:23 AM, saber5055 said:

A Tibetan monk sees Jesus in a tub of margarine. He raises his eyes to heaven and says, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.”

🤣 Love it!

[saber5055]

Well, it’s still Thursday somewhere, so here we go. I’m late posting because I spent a lot of time today on Facebook after I found out my friend is spreading rumors about me being schizophrenic. Well, three can play that game. I think she started that rumor because I told her I dated a schizophrenic once. I had to break it off though, because he kept seeing other people.

Last week I went to a yard sale just to browse around. Then I saw a radio with the volume stuck at 10, and I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

After I got back home, I went out to my backyard to do some work in my garden. My neighbor came over and wanted to know what I was doing, and I said well, I was putting all the plants in alphabetical order. He said “Where do you find the time.” And I said “Next to the sage.”

While I was in the garden, a spider saw me and came over. Then it said, “What is it about me that scares you the most?” And I said, “Well, my new number one is that you can talk ...”

Don’t say I didn’t tell you, but If you get an email with the subject line of “Knock knock,” don’t open it. It’s Jehovah’s Witnesses working from home.

Two ducks are walking. One says “Quack.” The other duck says, “Oh my gosh, I was about to say the same thing!”

Three condemned men are brought before a firing squad. To distract the executioners. the first man shouts “Tornado!” And half the firing squad runs for shelter. The second condemned man thinks, and yells “Oh no, lightning!” and two more of the squad run away. The third man thinks for a bit and shouts “Fire!”

A guy from Mexico rides his bike across the border with two big bags of sand, one under each arm. The border guard thinks he’s got to be smuggling something so he stops the bike and goes through the bags, but it’s just sand. Day after day it’s the same thing, the guy rides his bike over the border with two bags of sand under his arms. The guard always stops him and goes through the bags but it’s always just sand. Then one night the guard bumped into the guy in a bar and says, “Listen, I know you’re sneaking something in. I promise not to tell anyone, but what are you smuggling in.” The guy says, “Bicycles.”

And now for some sad news. Two chemists walked into a bar. The bartender asked them what they’ll have. The first chemist said, “Give me an H two O.” The second chemist said, “Give me an H two O too.” The second chemist died.

See ya next week, gang.

[Prevailing Wind]

I've stolen this from FB, apparently by this Peter Scruby dude... 

Peter Scruby -
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

[saber5055]

Happy Thursday evening everyone. Forgive me for talking so much about my relatives, but being at home so much lately makes me think of and miss my family. Most people don’t know that my uncle was a clown for Ringing Bros. Circus. Yes. And when he died, all his friends went to his funeral in one car.

Everyone at my house has been trying to stay active to combat boredom and weight gain. At the age of 65 my grandma started walking. She’s 92 now and we have no idea where she is.

I’ve also been catching up on my reading. Right now I’m reading a horror book in Braille. Something terrible is about to happen, I can feel it. Board games have also become popular again. Yesterday I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.

Coming home from the store last week, I followed a magician driving down my street. Then he turned into a driveway.

My boyfriend thinks I’m a stalker. Well, he’s not my boyfriend. Yet.

And now for some sad news ... they aren’t making yardsticks any longer.

Thanks. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to heart your posters.

[Clanstarling]

12 hours ago, saber5055 said:

Yesterday I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.

My favorite of your great jokes. 🙂

22 hours ago, Prevailing Wind said:

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

So many good ones (thought of my friend the professional editor while reading them), but this is my favorite.

[saber5055]

PW, those are some of the funniest funnies ever. My favorite might be Papyrus and Comic Sans. It reminded me of this greatest SNL video ever, starring Ryan Gosling. The last frame made me LOL so hard I almost fell off my chair. The link is to the YouTube video.

SNL Papyrus sketch

Even funnier is I have two clients I do advertising for. One uses Papyrus, the other wants Comic Sans font. Enough said.

I also loved the Oxford comma one, especially after the many convos had here and on other threads about it. And non-sequitur reminds me of my former editor, who taught me to stop using them after telling me I wrote like a National Geographic writer. After I said, "Thanks," he replied that they had the worst writers of all magazines. Lesson learned!

The misplaced modifier reminds me of the old news story about the man who got shot in the fracas.

In fact, so many of what you posted are so good, I'm going to send them to Former Editor. I know he will get a kick out of them, and send them on to his other writer friends.

So thanks! Well done PW.

Edited August 7, 2020 by saber5055

[Prevailing Wind]

You're welcome, but I just copied/pasted from FB.  LOL.

"Papyrus" is funny.  He left out Edible Arrangements. They use it, too.

 

Edited August 8, 2020 by Prevailing Wind

[zoey1996]

Also copied from facebook.  

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him.

He's doing better currently, and conducting himself properly.

 

[zoey1996]

19 hours ago, saber5055 said:

My favorite might be Papyrus and Comic Sans. It reminded me of this greatest SNL video ever, starring Ryan Gosling. The last frame made me LOL so hard I almost fell off my chair. The link is to the YouTube video.

Just watched it - so funny!

[saber5055]

@Prevailing Wind, I sent your grammar jokes to my former editor (formerly head writer/PR person for a world-wide business, editor of an international business magazine circulated in 50 countries, teacher of English/journalism and with a published novel) and here is his reply:

"these are great!!!"

You got three exclamation points! I think they are perfectly suited for teaching English and writing. I can't thank you enough for posting them. I'm gushing because I, too, think they are great!!!

I watched a news clip/interview with the man who created the Papyrus font. He said he created it when he was 23, and sold it to Letraset (a font company anyone from "back in the day" will know) for $750. He said that was nice money for a struggling young designer. He had no idea Letraset would go on to sell it or that it would be on every Mac and PC OS as a basic font. He thought the Ryan Gosling SNL skit was hilarious. In my college Lettering class, we were tasked with devising a new font, and I was quite poor at it. Otherwise I guess SNL could be making fun of the Saber font.

[Driad]

39 minutes ago, saber5055 said:

Otherwise I guess SNL could be making fun of the Saber font.

You claim you are not responsible for the Saber font ?   🙂

[saber5055]

4 minutes ago, Driad said:

You claim you are not responsible for the Saber font ?   🙂

LOL! Busted!

[zoey1996]

All this talk of fonts makes me miss The Middle even more!  Youngest child Brick was obsessed with fonts, to the point of organizing a font club at school. 

[24k Kate]

16 hours ago, zoey1996 said:

All this talk of fonts makes me miss The Middle even more!  Youngest child Brick was obsessed with fonts, to the point of organizing a font club at school. 

Me too! We also call our weekly Val Pak coupons the Font Pak.

[illdoc]

18 hours ago, zoey1996 said:

Youngest child Brick was obsessed with fonts, to the point of organizing a font club at school. 

And a font podcast!

[saber5055]

21 hours ago, zoey1996 said:

All this talk of fonts makes me miss The Middle even more!  Youngest child Brick was obsessed with fonts, to the point of organizing a font club at school. 

When I worked pre-press at a book printer, my nickname was The Font Queen. True! When I got a new job as art director/associate editor at a magazine and was in charge of all the Mac computers, on my first day I organized all the font folders on everyone's computer. Also true!

[saber5055]

Kudos again to @Prevailing Wind's post. I'm editing an obituary and because of it I got a laugh from this misplaced modifier:

"Don will be remembered by all who knew him as a genuinely good guy."

I'm considering leaving it ... you know, to honor those people who thought he was a jerk. Or people who want to forget him.

[Clanstarling]

On 8/7/2020 at 10:07 AM, saber5055 said:

PW, those are some of the funniest funnies ever. My favorite might be Papyrus and Comic Sans. It reminded me of this greatest SNL video ever, starring Ryan Gosling. The last frame made me LOL so hard I almost fell off my chair. The link is to the YouTube video.

SNL Papyrus sketch

Even funnier is I have two clients I do advertising for. One uses Papyrus, the other wants Comic Sans font. Enough said.

I also loved the Oxford comma one, especially after the many convos had here and on other threads about it. And non-sequitur reminds me of my former editor, who taught me to stop using them after telling me I wrote like a National Geographic writer. After I said, "Thanks," he replied that they had the worst writers of all magazines. Lesson learned!

The misplaced modifier reminds me of the old news story about the man who got shot in the fracas.

In fact, so many of what you posted are so good, I'm going to send them to Former Editor. I know he will get a kick out of them, and send them on to his other writer friends.

So thanks! Well done PW.

I just showed the SNL papyrus video with my artist/graphic designer daughter. She loved it. Apparently her classmates had many discussions about Avatar and the papyrus font. 

[peeayebee]

On 8/6/2020 at 9:40 AM, Prevailing Wind said:

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

I learned a new word!

On 8/6/2020 at 6:51 PM, saber5055 said:

Right now I’m reading a horror book in Braille. Something terrible is about to happen, I can feel it.

😄

[saber5055]

31 minutes ago, peeayebee said:

I learned a new word!

So did I, I had to look it up. Of course, I've already forgotten what it means ...

[peeayebee]

I not only forgot what it meant, I forgot what the word was.

[saber5055]

I’ve decided it’s time for some Friday Funnies. Whether these succeed is strictly up to you.

This week on Jokes That Need No Punchline: Captain Hook walked into a second-hand store.

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, “Sure. 20.”

I bought a BB gun from a Tyrannosaurus. He’s a small-arms dealer.

This is weird. Everyone at the office is naming their food. Today I had a sandwich named Bill. Yesterday I had leftover lasagna named Karen.

My friend is so upset, he’s missing one piece to his 5,000-piece puzzle. He thinks that’s bad, I’m missing 4,999 pieces to mine.

Hey, did you hear the new joke about the boxer? I can’t remember the punch line.

I went to a coffee shop yesterday and ordered a coffee with no cream. The barista said, “You’ll have to order it without milk, we’re out of cream.”

This was a freak accident. A photographer was trying to take a group photo when a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him. Witnesses say the people being photographed tried to warn him.

Hey guys, I was told to describe myself in five words. I wrote “lazy.”

And now for some sad news ... The person who invented the boomerang hand grenade died.

Okay, I’m done with trying to be a people pleaser. If that’s okay with you guys.

Edited August 21, 2020 by saber5055

[Trey]

1 hour ago, saber5055 said:

This was a freak accident. A photographer was trying to take a group photo when a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him. Witnesses say the people being photographed tried to warn him.

Hilarious!!

[saber5055]

2 hours ago, Trey said:

Hilarious!!

I heard that joke multiple times and never got it. I had to do an online search for the explanation. So extra GOOD FOR YOU! that you caught it first time. You: Yeay. Me: Duh.

[Clanstarling]

17 hours ago, saber5055 said:

I heard that joke multiple times and never got it. I had to do an online search for the explanation. So extra GOOD FOR YOU! that you caught it first time. You: Yeay. Me: Duh.

Yeah, I think I need the explanation.

[Browncoat]

22 hours ago, saber5055 said:

This was a freak accident. A photographer was trying to take a group photo when a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him. Witnesses say the people being photographed tried to warn him.

It took reading it twice (more closely the second time) for me to get it.  I'll spoiler the explanation:

The people were saying cheese, and the photographer didn't realize they were warning him.

[Clanstarling]

22 hours ago, Browncoat said:

It took reading it twice (more closely the second time) for me to get it.  I'll spoiler the explanation:

Thank you! I should have gotten there, but I never would have. LOL.

[zoey1996]

Monday funny - I'm either late for last Thursday, or early for this Thursday!

I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be!

[Browncoat]

I am inordinately thrilled to have a thread for Season 37.

[Clanstarling]

16 hours ago, Browncoat said:

I am inordinately thrilled to have a thread for Season 37.

Me too. 🙂

[saber5055]

I thought about @Prevailing Wind when I drove by this Official Roadside Attraction on Tuesday. The BW pic is what it used to look like; the color pic is now. Some things do not improve with age. This is Sauk chieftain Black Hawk, near Black Hawk State Park, Rock Island, Illinois. He used to guard a big shopping plaza. Now he's surrounded by ... nothing.

                 

 

 

 

 

[Prevailing Wind]

I love it!  Thanks!!

 

[saber5055]

The Sunday Funnies Volume 1.

Who was the fastest hockey player ever? Wayne Jetsky.

If I could have lunch in the Walnut Room with anyone, dead or alive, it would definitely be alive.

Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks, “Is this whiskey?” And the other says, “Yes, but not as whiskey as whobbing a bank.”

Here’s a household tip. Tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? Why not boil five gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

I didn’t mention this before, but I’m dating a guy who likes Picasso and Mexican food. Talk about artsy fartsy.

My neighbor blames my gravel for making him fall, but it was his own dumb ass phalt.

Hey, what do you want to bet that Carol Baskin wins Dancing With The Stars when all of the other contestants disappear.

You know sin city is Las Vegas. Do you know what den city is? Mass over volume.

Now read carefully because I’m only going to write this once.
This.

Edited September 28, 2020 by saber5055
Because you do is not the same as do you.

[saber5055]

For @ams1001. I hope you are having  a nice day.